Pornography killing marriage.January 2 2012 at 10:27 AM
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Please help me with ideas or advice that can help me deal with my situation. My hubby since introduction of mobile phone internet and internet has become I think obsessed with pornography. He access porn via his mobile and laptop. Its gone to the extent now that he's using his mobile phone and digital camera to sneak shots of PNG women/girls unknown. I confronted him and he said to stop 3 years ago but he still does at my back. I even confronted him and told him that I would report him to the police but he still carries on. Am tired, fed up and want to quit coz he's become very violent since he started watching porn. We've been married for 11 yrs and have children. I am afraid to tell my kids.
Re: Pornography killing marriage.No score for this post
|January 2 2012, 12:43 PM |
You don't have to tell your Children - its gona ruin their future lifes - if they find out themselves its will be good in a way so use that as to educate them but life's choices are theirs.
This porno movies or pitctures affects the very core of human's affectional and emotional desires. It affects every humans heart,mind and soul.Man is made to lust for sexual desires but there are moral ethics/boundaries to go by to fullfill this sexual desire in both sexs. People watching these movies have some cracy ideas eg changing their partners, group sex, anal sex etc. Its the uncontrolble sex desire that drives to extremes.
I guess it will take time - be pataient and develop a mutual conversation between your partner and talk it over. Its a cancer and its developed for a long time so it will take time. Remember you are fighting against natures desire for sex but man in a greedy way has taken further to fuel this desire. Just like sportspeople take medicinces or tablets to enhance their performance. Likewiese watching these pictures enachance their desire and want to try any styles and try to do sex in every place where possible. I guess you don't resist his advances to try some sex styles - you may lose him and probalby end up separatly but the inocent kids will be the victims. Gently tell him - is it right we can act and do things behond the animals do. Put some reasoning to him - again as I have said its a battle against man's greatest desire - sex. Human is created around sex so hope you luck in the future.
Re PasinNo score for this post
|January 2 2012, 1:07 PM |
Pasin, thanks for the tot. Much appreciated.
Re: Pornography killing marriage.No score for this post
|January 3 2012, 10:58 AM |
Everyone has personal demons and sometimes these demons become habitual and then addictive. Your husband is a porn addict, and just like drugs he needs his daily fix. He will not change without help and i'm sorry to say that in PNG counselling services are not available, it is such a sad state of affairs.
What you have written now is a great warning sign, his addiction is growing out of control, and just like a drug addict he will soon want more. You have said 1. he is becoming more violent, 2. he is taking pictures of girls without consent, 3. he is watching porn all the time. My dear, these will only escalate. He is on the brink, if not already passed the point of rape. Rape in marriage is a common occurence and i hope he has not reached that stage yet, but from there he will escalate to raping another woman.
My dear i don't wish to scare you, but from what you have written, i feel scared for you and your children. I suggest you plan an intervention. You need to
1. Disable his access to the internet at home and on his phone
2. Confront him in a safe and secure environment (Away from the children, preferably with a brother or male cousin of yours who can protect you should things get ugly, and they may)
3. Give him time to think (that may mean moving out of the house and taking the kids to your parents, etc,)
4. If you are a church going woman, get your pastor to talk with him, alone at first and then as a couple.
5. If worse comes to worse you may have to legally separate and divorce him. It may be tough and many people may not agree with you but the safety of your children and you comes first.
I'm sorry that all the things i have written are bleak, and i realise it all seems cold but i have been an addict and i can tell you that it is a chain i don't ever want to feel again. So try with all your heart to help him because although he won't admit it he needs you now more than ever.
Re:Pornography killing marriageNo score for this post
|January 3 2012, 8:10 PM |
Wim2012, thank you for sharing your experience and thought. He has come to the stage where I'd say is bedroom rape. I told him off and advised and threatened to report him to the cops, which I don't want to coz it will be an embarrassment to the whole family, tribe and clan as they are all committed church going people and he is a graduate theologian. I cannot disable or grab a hold of his mobile and laptop as he protects them with his life. His laptop requires finger print access and mobile phone is locked with password. We are presently living apart (his move) saying he needs time to think but I don't think so. Now that he is away from me, its getting worse, just by looking at the amount of money spent on units for internet access. I was shocked just a week ago, trying to Google some topics on internet and had pop up on porn sites. I have spoken to him myself and our church pastor spoke to him 3 yrs ago and he said to stop but i just found out last week, he hasn't. I will be getting a pastor to talk to him as per your advice and also both of us together. I know sooner or later he will be caught redhanded by cops. That would be the worst day of my life. I told him that if he wants our marriage to survive, he has to help me help himself for only he can make the decision to change and not me. It breaks my heart to see him so involved in church and related activities and yet slave to porn. I asked him to tell me why he does that and he doesnt say anything. At one stage he even asked me to watch with him and i outright refused and gave him 2 options:1. Me or 2. Porn. He choose 1 only for a time. I can only pray and yes, all the cold and bleak options you said is happening. If worse comes to worse divorce is my last option and am willing to take that path even it hurts coz my life and my children lives important. I want to be alive and see my children grow up. Wim2012 and pasin, thanks for being a blessing to a stranger.
Re: Pornography killing marriage.No score for this post
|January 4 2012, 5:56 PM |
How many times a week do you have sex ?
Maybe he is going there because you don't have sex much nowadays. You could try to spice up your sex life by doing it in all the different kind of ways. Thats just my suggestion.
Re: Porngraphy killing marriageNo score for this post
|January 4 2012, 6:47 PM |
Batman, thanks for the suggestion. That department does not require fulfilment. That's well managed and that's why am finding it difficult trying to understand why he's so into it.
Re: Porngraphy killing marriageNo score for this post
|January 5 2012, 2:08 PM |
Firstly I'm sorry to hear what you are going thru. I read that you actually confronted him 3 years ago and that lead to nowhere. I would suggest that rather than confronting him again. it would be good if you be good to him and use your wifely charm to find out what he is into Porn. You mention to Batman that most important department doesnt require fulfilment but is that according to your husband or you?. However, I'm not implying that it is but thats only my take. This is what you need to discover for yourself and you will not find this on the internet. You obviously find porn to be revolting and certainly your husband NOT but there are other school of thought which suggest that some couples marriage would benefit from the occassional show so to speak. Notice that I said Couples not husband or wife.
Be gentle maybe even a bit seductive will go a long way in seeking the truth from your husband.
Alternative thought.No score for this post
|January 6 2012, 5:11 PM |
Different point of view dear lady.
you husband is obviously indulging in porn, because he is seeking what he is not getting in his relationshi with you. The same reason mostly, but not always, that men and women have affairs. We men are very simple creatures. Feed us well, and f--k us even better, and we will do whatever you want.
Why don't you set aside your reticence ofr your predjudices or whatever. Even though he is your husband, treat him like a lover. Screw him better than any pornstar could. Don't be embarrased about anything you do together, after all he is your husband. Even make movies if he wants to, and compare them against the pornstar movies. I am sure you can do better with someone you love, than an actor starring in a porn movie. If he then seeks gratification elsewhere, then ditch him. For he is obviously no good.
From what i have seen in my lifetime, most wives,after a few years,grudgingly give their husband a quick one in the missionary position only,and thn only do it reluctantly. You never know. If you put some effort into your love life you may enjoy it too. Use sex toys if need be. Anything goes in love aand war.:)
In life, as in everthing, You get out what you put in,less frictional losses.
Sorry about that last phrase, but as an Engineer that is how I best explain it. In other words if you make an effort so will he. Don't nag him about it, and as I said, if, despite all your best effort,s he still continues then leave and never look back.
Re: Pornography killing marriage.No score for this post
|January 6 2012, 6:42 PM |
Well, without being too judgmental on anybody ; when I do it with Bat-woman, we do it in all the freaking ways possible.
And that is why Batman never fly's away from Bat-woman.
Batman is not interested in Superwoman or Spider-woman or even Wonder-woman....Wonder-woman maybe can do a few wonders but she is NO WHERE NEAR as good as Bat-woman. I only dream about BAT-WOMAN.
Good God.No score for this post
|January 6 2012, 9:36 PM |
you have restored my faith in idiocy. I assume this lady was serious, in her questions.
mentalNo score for this post
|January 17 2012, 11:57 AM |
Hi Victim, Iam sadden by your situation here. Iam a male in my 30s. I was once addicted to porn and my wife was suffering from what you going through. HOw ever I want o share my part of story how I got my self into it. It all started this way after all our glory day sof dating and honey moons was over and marriage, jobs and kids took over, it kind of changes the way my Wife and I used to make love. I was kind of wanting it every night, 2twice in a day if we were alone but my wife grew tired. SOme times she would sleep as Iam not beside or she's so tired that she dose off so soon. Sex was like a once in a forthnite for me. Manany time I was pissed off and beleive me twice I had to give my self an hand job because my wife was already asleep no matter how much time a did those signals we normally do when one of us wants to get laid. So to keep away my immotion and sexual frustations, I found Porn to be sort a fun thing that would get my mind out of all this. That's when i became addicted.
Anyways my wife then started to realise this and on our anniversarry night we both addmitted the couses of the changes and we found our solution. we have about 4 sex in a week or sum time 2 in a week when we both are so tired.
I want you to look at some of your actions that might be contributing to this......you the one who could help me.
Pornography Killing MarriageNo score for this post
|January 17 2012, 8:53 PM |
Hi Rexy, Batman, Ralph and Mental, Thank you all for your views and contribution. Ralph and Batman, sexwise when we first got married he always complains that he can't put up with my sex drive. Its like once everyday and twice on weekends, so its like seven days a week, which is a healthy sexual relationship. We try different positions or styles. About the time mobile phones and internet access became available, all these changed. He wanted to have sex everyday, which was ok by me as he was taking the lead but then I realised something else. He became obsessed with anal sex and penis enlargement, which I found disgusting. I told him politely that anal sex is a no go for me as it would be detrimental to my health with serious health problems later on in life due to my current condition. I also advised him against penis enlargement saying he should be content with what he has. Otherwise he might encounter health problems later on in life and I will be the one who will bear the pain of helping him deal with it. Another thing as I mentioned in my original post, he has become violent. In the bedroom, there is no emotion when we have sex. Its like he's physically having sex with me but in his mind, he's with somebody else. He has this faraway look on his face and he's not intune with my feelings and emotions. And mind you he gets real rough. Alot of times, I sustain injuries and have to treat myself at home using home remedies or first aid because I don't want to go to the hospital or private clinics and they ask me alot of questions as to how I sustain those injuries. Right now am worried about my life. Am scared to death I might get killed while having sex. I have politely asked him to try and explain it so I will try and see it from his point of view and try my best understand him to accomodate it. He does not say anything or explain why.........Mental, good on you and your half for resolving yours. For us, he does not like discussing this issue which makes it very difficult for me. Just a question if you guys can shade some light from your personal experience or others experience that you know. Do you jerk off or get sexually aroused when you access porn? Thanks! Victim
Re: Pornography Killing MarriageNo score for this post
|January 18 2012, 3:42 AM |
Have you thought of seeking help from a professional? Maybe this thing is demonic or something. I mean, you did say your husband was a theologian? Maybe he slipped and ended up with the wrong god?
I have been married about 20 years and have never been interested in Porn. I tried looking at some when I was younger but it did not do anything for me. I still think my partner is very attractive but I can only manage sex once or twice a week. I work really long hours so I worry about my partner thinking that I am not interested in her. I even had erectile problems at one stage which scared the hell out of me and had my wife in tears. Cut my weight down and I am back to about once a week when I am not working away.
I think men need to keep busy with their hands, doing things, I guess if you are just sitting around the house reading bibles and stuff that can't be healthy. He needs to occupy his mind with things other than sex, cooking, baking, gardening, fishing or woodworking should be helpful.
I really feel sorry for you, I wish I had his sex drive and want to do it every day but the truth is, I love my partner and many times, I am interested in making her enjoy it more than me. Maybe you should share some of our messages with him, see what happens or else, maybe get a good friend of yours to direct him to this thread. It may help him to see how other men are responding to your problems.
Either way, I hope your kids do not catch him doing this because some of your kids might go down this road if dad is doing it.
Re Thank you MadiwanNo score for this post
|January 18 2012, 7:00 AM |
Yes, he was a church minister but got kicked out coz of moral issues. He had alot of past problems in his school days or churches he worked with that the schools and churches kicked him out for having serious moral issues with women. As for professional help, I have only been to a church minister and will see another one again. Am still looking around for some counseling services but can't seem to find one. I will keep trying. I have also discussed some of views shared here with him already and yes I will get someone to direct him to this site to see and read for himself all the good responses. You have raised another valid point which I use to remain him. He would always be by my side helping out at home, cooking, baking, shopping, fishing, do market, laundry, cleaning round the house, handyman jobs at home, etc. I miss that with him, its not that I miss his assistance in home duties etc, its the times we spent together, side by side laughing and joking and doing these things and the bond shared during those times thats missing now. Its been replaced by laptop and mobile internet or cds. My other fear now is for my kids. When he's around or they are with him, they use his laptop and mobile to play games or watch movies downloaded onto the harddrives. I have already issued him strict instructions to supervise them when they are using his devices as my kids are very good at computers and access all files on the hard drive during explorations. As you said am scared they might walk the same road he's walking now. I have already discussed sex and pornography with them already in simple terms, especially the difference between those two as part of our normal routine educational talks during our little family meetings. I can't stop them or keep watching them. If they stumble into it, at least I did my part in educating them and yes, they know basically what pornography is and what sex is with true love. I will keep on trying and praying till I exhaust all avenues to help him and me solve this problem, otherwise I will take my very last option. Thank you again for you alls insight, views and experiences shared on this issue. You've been a blessing. Much appreciated. Victim
Just leave himNo score for this post
|January 18 2012, 8:04 PM |
Just leave him, if he doesn't listen to you anymore
Re: Just leave himNo score for this post
|January 25 2012, 5:53 PM |
You just can not leave him. I guess you loved him and married him in the first instance. From your correspondes you seem to be a well educated woman.
You have laid out the ingredients that goes with people who watch Porns. You see - people who are producing these porns are pros - they do it for money, they enlarge their penis or girls do their stuff to work in thesee industies.
Anal sex is what they do in porns - when your hubby sees the large penis - he reckons he should have one big one as that and do the anal sex. Nothing is simple to fix that quick, one grave danger your hubby may try out his fantasy on someone else - then you may find your self in a position to whether continue to love him or forsake him. Marriage is not that simple - two people may have to work together but the hubby seems to have his idea of sex and marriage being influenced by him watching porn pros.
Don't give up hope cause when you came out this problem - you will be a better person and you'll be experienced to help others in these problems. If there is difficut and dark moment you going through - there is always a bright side at the end of the tunnel.
Your hubby knows deep inside him its morally wrong and since he was a minister - his consenious is troubling him. If you run away - that will be running away from your problem -if you stick by him and work on it - you will definitely win his utmost trust. Again I may repeat - if your hubby may try on someone else with his enlarged penis and his fantasy on anual sex, the love you had for him is destroyed. Thats something for you to decide the path you gona take - you have not mention whether he is trying on someone else but am just saying.
Talk to him and look for some signs- sure he has some moral integrity in him and knows its wrong and if he admits its the addiction he has.Work slowly into it and love him - i hope with GOD's mercy you be victories
Be StrongNo score for this post
|February 3 2012, 12:13 AM |
Victim, thanx for ur bravery in talking about this situation! I myself have gone through this situation and know what it feels like to have a husband under the strong hold of pornography....I struggled to get my husband to realize what it's done to me, our marriage and our family. It took me over 3 years to get my message across and thank God for him opening my husbands eyes to the hurt, anger and pain his addiction has caused to me and our family. My encouragement to u is to be strong and do not allow urselfto feel discouraged or degraded by his physical assaults, constant lies, inability to put porn on a backseat to u and ur family. If it has come to a physically abusive relationship, it's good to get itself out and separate to protect itself and ur children. But don't involve ur kids into this adult problems, they r innocent and they also love their father....anything u say or do to hurt their father will affect them and that's not what's best for them, let urself and ur husband sort it out without them having to know any details. I think the only thing that kept me going and kept our family together was prayer, constant prayer, when I felt hurt, when my husband was physically and verbally abusive, when I wanted to give up....I always asked God to give me peace, to carry my burdens and carry my heartaches away. Ur a Christian woman as I can see from ur post, always ask God for his guidance and He will lead u to where u need to be :) Be strong sister :) with love and God bless u n ur family :)
Re: Be strongNo score for this post
|February 3 2012, 10:06 AM |
Thanks Jenny. I will be strong n continue talking to my Creator. Only HE will see me tru dis. Much appreciated.
Porn is an HobbieNo score for this post
|June 10 2012, 2:01 AM |
While i consider the damage done to the victim, i would say that your husband has taken porn as an hobbie and can't resist it.
Pornography is seen as an urgly human behaviour but we do not realise our own very lifes are centred around it. cause we are all humans of the Animal Kingdom ands posses the instinct and desires of sex.
Socally and cultural sex has been restrict to openly talk about, demonstrate or record and present in any form of media storage. its breaking of this noms and morals of ethic that we are concerned but SEX is love and SEX is ART. Its like someone worshiping rugby league (NRL) 0r Digicel Cup - PNG.
Is not only the males involved this days but the woman folk are already participating in porn. Porn exposes the multple ways of making love and enjoying sex apart from the traditional missionary position. Therefore the victim should involve herself and discover the different ways and employ them. Curiocity Kills say goes.. your hubby will finally drawn himself away and lose interest when he can have it in his own home. Conservative woman will force husbands to learn sex technics via pornographic media and uterlise them with woman who can provide the best sex.
We can't run away from it or shield PNG from the exposure of Pornographic World. I love porn as Art but I am not crazy. Watch porn and masturbate than seeking sex and end up with HIV, it also helps with maintaining and keeping an healthy heart.
So its up to the state to legalise porn industry alone with legal prostitution in the country considering the restriction to the young (under 18). With Mobile Phones and digital cameras and PCs with programs to make home motion pictures, we can't stop pornography and reduce the number of people invovled in it.
I believe Over 50% of all phone, camera or PC owners are facinated with pornographic staff and are keeping and passing them around. There are markets on the streets in every town in PNG, with vendors selling CDs & Fash Drives containing such movies and pictures. Only teach moral ethics to the mass population through AWARENESS CAMPAIGNS like HIV/AIDS & ALCOHOL for people to make own choices.
By the way:- Could anyone out there whos knows the address to Web sites that has PNG and the Pacific PORN please provide them. I am fed up with foreign and studio acted material. Am facinated by the beauty of SEX and the ART involved.
Many Thanks.. Dont get me wrong because my life is my own and what i want is my own.