This is a complicated dish that takes awhile to get right. With luck you can serve it up every 20-30 years. It livens up any get together from 125 to 1500.

Ingredients:
1. 3-20 elders
2. 1-12 paid church staff
3. 1 self centered, materialistic culture in a lost world with a cultural philosophy shift occuring
4. 80-90 ministries
5. A 30 page 4 color brochure of the ministry programs
6. Extra room on church sign for "exciting" and "dynamic"
7. Many church members who attend for reasons other than a relationship with God through Christ.
8. Liberal handfuls of apathy to training, mentoring, discipling or passing your faith to the next generation.
9. Many children

First, prepare the church.

Begin by establishing the precident of selecting stong, worldy business leaders as elders. They must have dominant personalities. They should be doers who get things done. They should be financially sucessful so that the community will look up to them. Make every effort to limit those with passions about spirituality, Bible teaching, righteous disciplines, Godly relationship and Holy living. These things tend to bog down fun church events and make folks feel uncomfortable in classes and during conversation about their spiritual life.

When the elders have prepared a solid business model for church management, you are ready to add the staff.

The staff must be drawn with lofty visions of ministry but then strictly evaluated on 1.) the numeric growth of the congregation, 2.) the ammount of money given each week and 3.) to what degree the
LEAST commited sunday morning attendee felt the service to be dynamic and exciting.

Now that the staff is in place, carefully indoctrinate the fellowship.

Great care must be taken to not direct the faith of the members to God as revealed in the Bible through Christ. This is far to complicated and uncontrolable a tast. That would take a miraculous incarnation of the Holy Spirit. I have difficulty trusting that will happen so I prefer to tell folks that I understand everything about God and I share my understanding as the complete truth. Make sure that you have well thought out arguements to any variation of your understanding of God and be ready to promptly trample out any assumed or presummed divergent conversations. Be very wary and fearful of any thoughts that are different because that could spoil the whole recipe at this point. Most importanly, never give the impression that you are actually considering any opinions other than your own when vigorously stamping out heresy. This only gives the appearance of weakness and might encourage the divergent thinkers.


Congradulations, at this point you have created a solid church that is ready to grow. Plant it in a demographically sound neighborhood and get ready to worship yourself.

Now you are ready to publish a book about your amazing growth(Donnie can get you a copy of Madison's book). This will be great for the ego of you ministry staff. It will also solidify the authority of your elders. Try to see if a percentage of the book can go to the church's "Building Faith Fund" for the new building, school, retirement home, baseball fields and in-line skating rink.

Next, begin advertising the exciting and dynamic ministries to the community. Do not add Jesus or the Bible or Christian relationship to any of these. Also, it is important to have no expectation of new visitors. They must never feel uncomfortable. The two most important selling points are 1.) your kids are going to have a lot more fun at church than you ever did and 2.) doughnuts, doughnuts, doughnuts. I recommend actually having an adult class that is doughnut themed (ie Krispee Kreme Khristians, Jesus fills my doughnut hole, Dunk your stale life in the coffee of Christian Family).

Once the new growth members are there, tell them they do not need to spiritually train their children. That is the churches job. That is why we have an exciting and dynamic children's ministry.

Carefully prepare the children. Wow them with the latest in entertainment. Videos, puppets, cartoons. Do not let relationship with teachers form. Do not train the parents to raise their chldren in Holiness.

Now bring the parents in. Encourage the parents to provide everything that their child needs to suceed in the world. Put them in Christian schools that are mirrors of the world validated by "Christian in name only". Teach them they can do what they want as long as they are with the riht kind of "Chistians."

At 7-12 years begin answering developmentally appropriate questions about eternity and dying with glib retorts about judgement and hell. Frequently ask them in sunday school to raise their hands if they are going to heaven.

Cook's tip. When one child in a peer group makes the decsion to be baptized, really pressure the others. Peer pressure is a fantastic method to complete this portion of cooking.

Now is the important time in the preparation. When the kids reach high school really encourage their worldly development. They must play sports or do band or choir or excell in school. Make sure these are celebraed by the church. When they graduate list these items in a way that shows the congregations identifies the chld through those things. Next get the child to get disciplined about themselves. They must do well in college, work, graduate/professional school.

The preparer must be very caerful to seperate from the child at this point. As child child starts to say adolescent and naive things about their understaning of the Bible and life with God, be very agresive to cut them down. Vigorously and forcefully rip out any doctrine that is in error and embarrass and ridicule the child. It is important to degrade their Bible study, motives, personal worth to God, etc. Say things like, that generation, those rebels, these younger folks (insert condecending comment). Even when the child has amazing insight into life in Christ do not acknowledge. It is important that these event be remembered so pour it on. Most importantly, defer from having any substantial relationship with the child that might validate your correction of this child.

Now step away as the confused child wanders from the church fellowship. I let this cook on high for 5-10 years. The child must be alloweed to turn on God, try other faith systems, dabble in sexual immorality or drug abuse in search of the truth they thought was in God.

Finally, when the child is married and/or has a child they will almost always wants to come back and try God again. It is important to remember the 2 selling points. 1.) Their children will have a lot more fun than they remembered at church and 2.) doughnuts.

Now, this Bible confused, still spiritually immature, self-centered, self-absorbed, impatient, deeply-hurt child will sit through several weeks of the same classes they remembered as a child. The doughnut will be better than they remembered. When the child says, "this just isn't dynamic and exciting enough, I need more. We need to change some things at this church." Your change agent is done.

Turn them loose on the teen, young adult and college groups. These guys are just waiting for SOMEONE to reach out to them with something.

What ever you do do not try to develop relationship with this newly formed change agent. Do not lisen to their story. Do not reach out to their family. Resort back to the same condeceding, patronization that will bring out the most dynamic and exciting but unchristian responses. Sit back and enjoy.

This recipe used by permission. Just one of many, I am sure.
allan

Allan,

Here’s an e-mail…

Sent: Friday, July 29, 2005 8:47 AM
Subject: Grandma's Recipe Thread at Concerned Members

Just thought you might have some initial impressions about the "Grandma's Recipe" thread at CM. It's an odd piece. It starts out with what seems to be satire against the Change Movement, but then it swings over and seems to play down the conservative side that supports strong, Bible beliefs. The "child" involved becomes confused and seems to reject spiritual concepts because of strong conservative influences that opposed "free thinkers" and that deterred any liberal thoughts or ideas which may have conflicted with biblical truth. So where's this piece going? Has its author become psychologically disturbed over the recent discussions in another thread? In some portions, I sensed mixed feelings of sour grapes, hurt feelings, and ill will. The interjection of the word "rebels" (which appeared in the other thread) also suggests this.

Thanks,
[Signed]

Hi--Donnie, THanks for your nice words in another thread...will say a few here as well.
My thoughts as I read the piece were about the ending. I think people may not realize that those opposed to the change movement are actually not opposing the people sitting in the pews coming in to hear the messages and listen to the music, etc. Our "beef" is not with the new Christians or those coming back to the church. We agree to love and disciple them. Our (at least my) beef is with the leadership that becomes increasingly deceptive over time, disregards Biblical examples of decision making in the church and steals (perhaps an overstatement) from the church tithes. In this "new style church" I have a single friend who was taken into a room with two male pastors (at her Baptist church)and told she had to re-sign her church covenant because she had told a couple of people that she disagreed with some things the pastor was doing...the pastor said this constituted breaking her covenant to "follow the leaders" of the church. This is not an isolated example of strong arm tactics to get people who have opposing views to leave the church. As the Saddleback model is followed, everybody and their brother gets paid--80% of my old churches tithes went to staff salaries (my husband was on the finance committe--this is a non-exagerated figure). These things are all supported by the Purpose Driven Church. So, again, while we love the people who are returning to church, we are concerned at the disillusionment they will surely feel when they learn that it is built not on the solid rock of Christ but is a house of cards built by man. In my humble opinion, KC.

By the way, I really loved the beginning of the article...Allan hits the nail on the head about the treatment of children at Purpose Driven churches. He lets you see that they are entertained but not Biblically trained, kept safe in their classes but have no relationships with the teachers, etc. I thought it was great in that aspect...the last part I wondered if he was slamming the opposers of this trend by saying we should love the people anyway? Or still providing satire? Maybe Allan can clarify his thoughts on the last part of the piece? In general I thought it was right on!

Donnie,

I am a teacher and healer. I am not one to worry about the concerns addressed in the email.

I was trying to just stimulate some thought.

What we are seeing today in PDC/church growth movement is not new. If we are humble, Christ-centered, God-fearing and honest God's church's response to it can be true. And, souls will not be lost.

In all things, my own sin has help get us to where we are. I applaud this discussion for seeking the truth. I have to humbly return on my knees to God and pray that He will continue to write His truth on my heart.

Thanks for the chance to clarify Donnie.
allan

Just curious. Is there Biblical authority for using sarcasm. Sarcasm seems to be a commonly used tactic these days when one person wants to criticize an individual or group of individuals. Ed

I am anxious to see if anyone else responds to your question. My initial thoughts are these: the Bible certainly does not only contain literal and concrete verses. We see Jesus using parables and in the Old Testament we see language trends of that day.
Satire is "exposing human folly through irony, sarcasm or wit". The Bible would support the exposing of human folly. Perhaps you are thinking of the verse admonishing us to "speak the truth in love". I guess I enjoyed the piece because I saw it as an exposure through wit rather than reading it as sarcastic. It is certainly hard to read a "tone" into a piece with out knowing the person writing so only Allan may know how he intended it!
Good question Ed. Any other thoughts out there?? KC

Ed, I think Christ and Paul used wit and sarcasm. The Sermon on the Mount was laced with sarcasm about the Jewish approach to righteousness. Several of Jesus's parables were given in a shocking way that mocked the culture status quo. In Galatians, Paul was pretty sarcastic about the Gatians ability to become justified through circumcision.

Thank you KC for your generosity in calling mine- "wit."

I was actually trying to be more narative. I think that is completely Biblical.

KC, I appreciate your story about your friend who was confronted about sharing disagreement with the leadership. So much for the priesthood of believers.

Speaking of recently being confronted. Ken has talked alot about the extortion of funds from the membership. I have recently been confronted with an even more destructive extortion in the growth movement: my time. Once you volunteer to teach or serve you repeated get asked and expected to participate. Many churches are on the pony express ministry philosophy. They ride you until you fall over dead. Then the leaders sit around and say, "he must have not been cut out for the job."

I was taught alot this winter leading a study on 1 Timothy. It was clear that Timothy had been prayed over repeated by groups of elders. His spiritual ministry was clearly laid out and he had several, including Paul, watching over him and holding him accountable.

1 Timothy 1:12 has become one of my favorites.
12And I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who hath enabled me, for that he counted me faithful, putting me into the ministry

I love the truth that Christ has outlined my ministry, not the involvement minister. Jesus Christ trusts me to trust Him in finishing the work He has given me. And, all the grace, faith and love that I need is going to come straight from Christ to finish my task. What encouragement, freedom and peace. I am learning slowly, by God's grace, to say NO to what I know to be untruthful at my church.

How many souls have been destroyed because completing ministry tasks were more important to leadership than a participating individual's spiritual health? I pray for elders and professional ministers to realize the grave nature of their continued blindness to this responsibility.

About the end of the first post, I was just trying to generate some conversation. I think we are in a Romans 14 time. Who is right and who is wrong? Paul's answer: both.

Within our fellowship we have listened and talked about "thus saith the Lord" on several topics. Some of these including Justification and worship and some specific moral responses to the gospel. But, we have struggled with the doctrine of each Christian called to "feed the sheep", to whole heartedly seek after "Christ living in me" and the Godly relationship of Christian community. I would say discipleship to sum that up but that word does have a great deal of baggage.

Some of those weaknesses in our faith, our doctrine and our faithful practice has allowed our leadership and membership to get to where we are now. We are now vulnerable to church growth ministry system idolitry. This same thing happened 35 years ago in Gainsville, Florida. We failed to learn from that experience.

It is vital to discuss the abuses, the doctinal error and the spiritual pitfalls. I, personally, need to be encouraged that I am not the only one in the world who disagrees with things that are happening.

But, we also have to be as vigorously seeking relationship with those who are seeking truth in dangerous waters. Why? Because God has given me some truth in my life. He has also charged me with sharing it. If more people have the truth they will not be vulnerable to leaders who worship something other than Christ.

Christ came to earth to live with us so His truth would be revealed. We have to live with others. You can not feed the sheep unless you shepherd them. That means a large measure of grace for behavioral as well as doctrinal error in those we are slowly leading into a more complete knowledge of Christ. That takes years but what fun times it is.

I would like to hear thoughts on what to pray for and where God is leading you to a stronger relationship and ministry.
allan

Love to read your thoughts.
Say, your mention of the busyness in the Purpose Driven church is right on the money. Rick Warren says if people are busy rowing they won't have time to rock the boat. He says people need to be excited about new visions so they keep having new projects to be involved in (and yet my old church of 3500 refused, when asked, to have a pastor "on call" for emergency spiritual needs and refused to get the people involved in a 24 hour prayer ministry because they didnt think there was enough interest). The main problem being if you don't want to get involved in a particular event (and all the events are large and need lots of people to make it work) then you are viewed as a dissenter and they will move on to other people.
It reminds me of when I was in college and there was a particular campus ministry that really wanted all or none of you. If you said "no" to them, you were saying "no" to God (according to them). I decided to get out and get involved in my local church instead.
The thing I think about is that it is not "all about me" as they say in the PDC but it is also not "all about others"--but it IS all about God. If He wants me busy then great but if I am too busy to sit and listen, to pray and to hear, to read my Bible and be inspired and enlightened...then there is something wrong. My Christianity is not only about my church attendance and activities but encompasses my entire life. My Master is not my church but my God and He has never steered me wrong when I have taken (and had) the time to listen. His yoke is not burdensome.
OK, now I am rambling... I do like to hear of your journey into insight into the PDC program. KC

Thank you all. But back to the my original question, is sarcasm an appropriate action on the part of today's christian? If it is approved, are there inferrences that must be considered that restrict the action such as the intent on the part of the individual? This is not a criticism of the original post but a heart felt question. Thanks, ER

Your original question was "is there Biblical authority for using sarcasm" which was answered. Your re-phrasing, which I would contend is a different question altogether, is if sarcasm is an appropriate vehicle for today's Christian to use. As Allen said, he felt it was more narrative so perhaps your question would be better on a separate thread so we don't get confused thinking it is in reference to this piece.
Personally, I don't like sarcasm as a tool of communication but I think that is just my personal preference. When you try to answer seriously to someone's sarcasm they will often say "I'm just joking--can't you take a joke?" which limits real discussion. Just my opinion, and again I just didn't really read this piece and see sarcasm so I am speaking generally. Any other thoughts? KC

Actually the questions wasnt really answered, examples were given of times where Paul or others seemed to used sarcasm, so by the example of those Apostles it was infered it was ok or authorized.

However, those Apostles, as well as possibly using appropriate sarcasm such as at Pentacost when they were speaking in tounges, also healed, performed miracles, spoke often of speaking in tounges, delivered people from demon possesion or control, spoke of going to the Elders to be prayed over and annointed with oil
for healing, spoke of prophecy and prophesied, amoung other miraculous things.

However, this isnt proof text for the Church of Christ or any Church that they are valid for today. So I would say even if they used possibly sarcasm, our charge is to speak the truth in love, not speak the Truth by sarcastic references.

Still the article made a very strong point, just maybe not in a way that will be recieved gladly.

Interesting--I almost used the same argument to one of your brethren who used the example of Jesus anger in the temple to justify his own hostilities but I was afraid of getting "shot down" so I just let it go. Again, I agree with your points, I just think I read the piece differently than you did...it spoke to me and perhaps what you are saying is that it will not speak to or change the minds of those in the program because they will read it as sarcastic...that may be true, I was looking at it as a piece revealing truth in an interesting way (like CS Lewis "Screwtape Letters"). Anyway, I think we have hashed it to death now. Ready to move on to new topics? KC

David Keys- Thank you. I believe you hit on a great truth in the matter.
Sarcasm: Wit or cynical mockery?
My opinion is that wit can obviously be a very effective method of pointing out the foibles of others. Unfortunately few people appear to be adept at the practice. Mocking sacasm however apperars everywhere and must be easy to produce. I ask why it is that Christians on all sides of the spectrum find it necessary to cut and slash at each other using such an unbiblical method? Mocking sarcasm seems to only produce discord and factions making the split in our brotherhood even more difficult to repair. I anguish over how we speak to each other. We are not Paul.
KC- I appreciate your responses and perhaps this should be a new thread. I will end here. Thank you again,
ER