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Signs Outside of Churches

March 31 2011 at 6:25 PM
Dr. Bill Crump  (no login)
from IP address 74.240.208.38

Churches often resort to "cute" sentiments on their signs out front. Here are a number of those sentiments. If known, the type of church is indicated in parentheses. Feel free to add others that you have seen.

Don't give up! Moses was once a basket case! (Covenant Church)

Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will take you back. (Church of Christ)

If you don't like the way you were born...try being born again. (Missionary Baptist)

Free coffee. Everlasting life. Yes membership has its privileges. (United Church [female pastor])

ATM inside: Atonement--Truth--Mercy (Assembly of God)

Be as good a person as your pet believes you are. (Evangelical Lutheran)

God does not believe in atheists. Therefore atheists do not exist. (Baptist)

Let's meet at My house Sunday before the game. -- God (Lutheran)

What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand? (not given)

Forgive your enemies--it messes with their heads. (Baptist)

You're on heaven's most wanted list. (Assembly of God)

Jesus--coming soon. (not given)

Don't be so open-minded. Your brains fall out. (church name includes "Assembly" but not Assembly of God)

Can't sleep? Counting sheep? Talk to the shepherd. (not given)

You may party in hell but you will be the barbque [sic]! (generic church name)

God so loved the world that He did not send a committee. (Christian Church--Disciples of Christ)

Keep using My name in vain. I'll make rush hour longer. -- God (Reformed Church)

Tomorrows [sic] forcast [sic] God reigns and the Son shines! (not given)

We believe in UFO's [sic] Unity, Forgiveness and Outreach. (generic church name)

To be almost saved is to be totally lost. (not given)

If God had a refrigerator your picture would be on it. (Baptist)

Life stinks. We have a pew for you. (Baptist)

Read the Bible--it will scare the hell out of you. (Baptist)

There are some questions that can't be answered by Google. (Presbyterian)

Wal Mart [sic] isn't the only saving place in town. (Baptist)

Source: http://www.godvine.com/Hilarious-and-Unique-Signs-Outside-of-Church-262.html


 
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AuthorReply
Dr. Bill Crump
(no login)
74.179.243.105

Re: Signs Outside of Churches

March 31 2011, 9:03 PM 

We don't care what you wear. (Baptist--personal observation)

 
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Dr. Bill Crump
(no login)
74.240.239.201

More Signs

April 2 2011, 10:08 AM 

(Most of these don't include the denominations.)

CH__CH
What's Missing? (U R)

Sign Broken
Message Inside

It takes a lot of faith to be an atheist (Baptist--Later, someone smashed the sign.)

Jesus loves Osama
But Osama hates Jesus (This second line was hand-written beneath.)

Santa or Jesus?
Believe in one and be happy for a year
Believe in the other and be happy for life

The proper way to ask in [sic] on your knees!

Godisnowhere [sic] (The letters were too close together. The sign was supposed to say "God is now here," but it looked like "God is nowhere.")

Have a Jesus day!

Seven days without church makes [sic] one weak

All my children, turn to the guiding light as the world turns.

Church is not a spectator sport (with image of a snowboarder on a mountain)

Salvation: Don't leave earth without it (Baptist)

AC and JC inside (summertime sign)

God is NOT away on vacation and did NOT leave you in charge

If you think its [sic] hot outside
You should go to hell

Feeling burdened? Come in for a faith lift

If your [sic] heading in the wrong direction
God allows uturns [sic]

Git [sic]
R
Done
For Jesus!

Jesus is returning
Resistance is futile (Baptist--Was that inspired by a Star Trek movie?)

God is dead--Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead--God

Jesus died hard so you could live free (It refers to the movie.)

Not Christian?
Dude, you're going to hell! (Baptist--Later, someone smashed the sign.)

Happy Atheist's Day

God is 4 rizzle (in a ghetto)

Would you worship Jesus if he scored 10,000 test runs?

Check out God's MySpace: The Bible (United Church of Christ)

Iraq--Shoot 'em
In the dark
Then nuke 'em
Till they glow. (Bible Baptist)

God created sex.
Isn't God great!! (Christian Reformed)

Don't let your
Worries kill you
Let the church help

Avoid truth decay. Brush up on your Bible.

God's last name is not Damnit.

God is here 4 U. Where R U at? (This message was suggested for a sign but was rejected.)

Want to get into heaven? Inquire within.

Message: Ahoy--Avast--Aye--Arrr (Church of Christ)


 
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Dr. Bill Crump
(no login)
74.240.239.201

Re: More Signs

April 2 2011, 12:05 PM 

Here is the source for the previous group of signs:

http://www.somethingawful.com/d/comedy-goldmine/dumb-church-signs.php

 
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Donnie
(Login Donnie.Cruz)
ConcernedMembersMadison
99.177.249.211

Re: More Signs

April 4 2011, 3:07 AM 

"Seven days without prayer makes one weak." (Quoted by/in Firm Foundation)

 
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Donnie
(Login Donnie.Cruz)
ConcernedMembersMadison
99.177.249.211

Re: Signs Outside of Churches

April 14 2011, 2:35 AM 

  • "STAYING IN BED SHOUTING, OH GOD! DOES NOT CONSTITUTE GOING TO CHURCH" [Catholic Church]

  • "ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY" [Assemblies of God]

  • "PRAYER - WIRELESS ACCESS TO GOD WITH NO ROAMING FEE" [United Pentecostal]

  • "WE.R.BAPTIST! NO PROTESTANT" [Baptist Church]

  • "IF YOU THINK ITS NOT HERE IMAGINE HELL" [Church of God]

  • "THE MOST POWERFUL POSITION IS ON YOUR KNEES" [Baptist Church]

  • "SALVATION GUARANTEED - OR YOUR SINS CHEERFULLY REFUNDED!"

  • "JESUS SAYS I WILL MAKE MY HOME WITH YOU" [Baptist Church]


_____________________________

Source: http://www.oddee.com/item_86516.aspx

 
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Dr. Bill Crump
(no login)
74.240.208.101

Re: Signs Outside of Churches

May 29 2011, 1:18 PM 

A LOOSE TONGUE
OFTEN GETS INTO
A TIGHT PLACE (Church of God)

WHOEVER'S PRAYING
4 SNOW PLEEZ STOP! (United Methodist)

 
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mister clemson
(no login)
174.253.188.62

hmmmm......

June 3 2011, 3:53 PM 

Yawn

 
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Donnie
(Login Donnie.Cruz)
ConcernedMembersMadison
99.177.249.211

Re: Signs Outside of Churches

June 3 2011, 4:51 PM 

[linked image]

 
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Dr. Bill Crump
(no login)
74.179.7.106

Re: Signs Outside of Churches

June 3 2011, 5:41 PM 

God is the potter
Not Harry (Baptist)

Trespassers will be baptized (notice in a church parking lot)

If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.

Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.

How will you spend eternity--Smoking or Non-smoking?

No God--No peace. Know God--Know Peace.

Free Trip to Heaven. Details inside!

Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.

In the dark? Follow the Son.

Happiness is sharing chocolate with a friend. (Lutheran)

God is like Coke
He's the real thing! (Lutheran)

Facebook You have one new friend request from Jesus
Confirm Ignore (Presbyterian)

Toot'n Tell or Go to Hell (Catholic)

Even Satan believes in God (Baptist)

Morning Service--"Preparing for Marriage"
Evening Service--"A Look at Hell"

Adam blamed Eve, Eve blamed the snake, and the snake didn't have a leg to stand on.

As you pass this little church, be sure to plan a visit, so when at last you're carried in, God won't ask, "Who is it?"

Speak well of your enemies. After all, you made them.

All services are different. We leave the repeats to TV.

Let us help you study for your final exams.

Source: http://www.guy-sports.com/funny/funny_church_signs.htm#Ten_of_The_Best_Witty_and_Funny_Church_Signs

 
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...........................THE BOOK

What Happened at the Madison Church of Christ?


There are thousands of churches being taken over across America.

This book is only about one of those churches. It's about the Madison Church Of Christ. By studying the methods used here along with the resource references you might be able to inoculate your church. At the very least you will recognize the signs early on.

Many of the current members of the Madison Church of Christ still don't know what happened.
Some never will know! This book is for them as well.

Madison Church of Christ was a 60 year old church. At one time it was one of the largest churches in the US, and the largest Church of Christ.

It thrived for many years on the vision of it's elders and those of it's ministers. Those visions undoubtably came from the the inspired word of Jesus Christ.

At sometime in the last 10 years there was a deliberate plan by a majority of the elders to take the Madison Church of Christ into a more worldly realm.

They used secrecy, covert planning, and outside sources to scheme and to change the format and direction of the Madison Church of Christ.

The Elders knew that the membership would never approve such a plan. Using the tools of the "Community Church Movement"(consultants, books, seminars, meetings,planters,seeders) they slowly started initiating change so it was never noticed by the members until it was too late.....

At the heart of the plan was the fact that old members were going to be driven off so new techniques could be used to go out and reach the unchurched through new "Contemporary Holy Entertainment" methods developed by the "Community Church Movement"

Old members had to be kept on board long enough to get their plans ready, or the funds would not be there to pay for the new building. So by the plans very nature, it had to be secret.

The church had no plan in effect to renew or approve elders. There was never any need. The elders had always been "as approved by God". 10 of the last 15 elders would begin to shed some doubt on that.

The Elders did not even need a majority at first, because some of the elders went along unwittingly.

This edition starts shortly after some of the members begin to smell something strange in January 2001. Later editions may go back and fill in some of the timeline.

To even start to understand whats happening here, you must read the background materials in the first of the book.

This is only the first edition, and not the end. New editions will be printed as needed. To keep abreast of current changes, please visit our web site; http://www.concernedmembers.com/madison

Here is the list of players;

5 Godly Elders
10 Not so Godly Elders
120 "Deacons" (allegiance unknown)
2,800 - 4,000 church "members"
2 "teners" (people who have publicly confessed to have broken all ten commandments)
Unknown number of "sinners" (This is what the 10 elders call us.)
Unknown number of "demons" (Flying everywhere, to many to count)
 

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