A huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.

"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, and knocked it completely over.

"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"

"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and in just over nine seconds, ran a hundred yard dash.

"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"

The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"


Did you hear about the football coach who got married?

He thought he was getting a tight end, but wound up with a wide receiver!

Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won
tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football game
before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so.

"I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!"

They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large,
grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless
back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half.

They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.

"I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where we came in."

This was in the "Bob Levey's Washington" column in the Washington Post. Every year he compiles and prints the "Best T-shirts of the Summer"

1. (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won

2. So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me

3. I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy

4. God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends

5. If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going

6. At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All... I Just Can't Remember It All

7. My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips

8. I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do

9. (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah

10. If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?

11. Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount

12. Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog

13. No, It Doesn't Hurt (on a "well-tattooed gentleman")

14. (on the back of a passing motorcyclist) If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off

15. I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now

16. (Over the outline of the state of Minnesota) My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor

17. Veni, Vidi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.

18. What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About

19. I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian

20. (on the Front) Yale Is Just One Big Party (on the back) With a $25,000 Cover Charge

21. Coffee, Chocolate, Men...Some Things Are Just Better Rich

22. Liberal Arts Major...Will Think For Money

23. Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional

24. IRS-Be Audit You Can Be

25. Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.

26. If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen

27. Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship

28. The Old Pro...Often Wrong...Never In Doubt

29. If At First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't For You

30. Old Age Comes at a Bad Time

31. In America, Anyone Can Be President.
That's One of the Risks You Take.

32. First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.