Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever...... Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this). Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before".


The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them...... I just never saw one mounted and framed."

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for example...

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for
a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's
done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi Darling", he says,
"Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?

Three travelers, an American, a Russian, and an Egyptian, were circumnavigating the globe a la Jules Verne. The Russian man put his hand out and reached down into the clouds.

Aaah! he said. Were right over my homeland.

How can you tell? asked the American.

I can feel the cold air. he replied.

A few days later the African man put his hand through the clouds.

Aah were right over my homeland. he said.

How do you know that? asked the Russian.

I can feel the heat of the desert.

Several more days later the American put his hand through the clouds.

Aah, were right over New York. The Russian and the African were amazed.

How do you know all of that?! they exclaimed.

The American pulled his hand in and held it up for them to see. My watch is missing.

Recently, the Love Bug Virus circled the globe, damaging computers in its path. There have recently been some new mutations or variations of this virus that you should be aware of.

* The I Love You, But Im Shy virus never actually invades your computer, but collects data about it worshipfully from afar.

* The Love The One Youre With virus hangs around your computer, but the whole thing is just temporary until it can find the computer that it really wants to invade.

* The Happily Married virus invades only one computer and stays with it for life.

* The Unhappily Married virus spends a long time negotiateting with a computer, finally invades it, and then strays to other computers from time to time.

* The I Want A Divorce virus sends repeated, hard-to-read messages that your computer isnt working and takes half of your computers best data in an ugly network session.

* The Stalker virus spends unnatural amounts of time monitoring your computer, collecting data your computer has thrown away and tries to record all of its functions. And it writes rude messages to any other computer with which yours connects on any regular basis.

* The Forever Single virus causes your computer to focus solely on other computers with which it is totally incompatible or prove generally unavailable.

* The Deadbeat virus invades your computer, spawns an entirely new database, then refuses to help update it as it grows.

Its a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! Whos been eating my porridge? he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! Whos been eating my porridge? he roars.

Mommy Bear points her finger through the door from the kitchen and yells, For Petes sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mommy Bear who got up first.

It was Mommy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mommy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mommy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mommy Bear who set the table. It was Mommy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cats water and food dish. And now that youve decided to come downstairs and grace me with your presence listen good because Im only going to say this one more time I havent made the stupid porridge yet!!