One day Greenhouse, with premature ejaculation problems went to a doctor. The doctor said, "Whenever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle yourself." So he went out and bought a starter pistol.

Luckily, when he got home his wife was already naked in bed, ready for him, so they got in the 69 position and started in.

Soon he felt the urge to shoot his load, so he fired the pistol.

The next day he went to the doctor. The doctor asked him how it went. He said, "Not too good. My wife bit off three inches of my dick and my neighbour came out of the closet naked with his hands up."

Greenhouse & his wife are on the brink of divorce and decides to go visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife what is the problem.

Mrs Greenhouse responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."

The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?"

Greenhouse replies, " Well not exactly, it's she that suffers, not me."

A young innocent girl (?) is about to go on her 1st date and is given
some word of advise and warning by her mother; "Look darling, they all
want the same, so do be very careful and don't you ever let him;
1.) kiss your lips. Your lips are as soft as rose petals and will
shrivel,
2.) Or touch your breast. They are like of thin crystal and can
shatter,
and
3.) Never ever to touch your "private" part. That one is like a "GRILL"
and will burn everything coming to touch it."

The girl is off full of excitement and anxiety, and Mom waits and waits
until just after midnight when she's back. "How was it?" asks mom.

"Oh mom, it was absolutely fantastic, and I think I'm in love!"

"Lets not go too fast dear. And did he tried to come too close?"

"Well, yes, he did and I did as you said and he was absolutely careful
not to hurt or harm me!"

"What do you mean careful, did you let him do something?"

"Not exactly mom, see it was like that. First he wanted to kiss me and
I told him what you said, and he stopped.

Then he went to touch my breast and again I told him what you said, and
he stopped.
Then he slowly went under my skirt close to the private
part, and I told him what you said, and he then took his hands out and
said; "What a coincidence, I happen to have a nice piece of "Fillet"
and would love to put it in your "Grill" to cook!!"

"WHAT?!?" screams the mother, "I knew that bastard is no different to
the others. You hopefully stopped him there too, didn't you?"

"Well, not really mom. You see, he promised to be careful and was very
careful not to "burn" his fillet. Every now and then he took it out and
had me "taste it" to see if it was cooked or not."

Your doctor has scheduled you for an autopsy on ___________ at _______ AM/PM. St. Amgems Hospital wants you to be prepared for what should be an eventful time. This guide should answer the most common questions in regard to your procedure. Please call your doctor's office if you have any further questions. Please remember, autopsies are performed on an "as needed" procedure. If you, or a qualified Medical Examiner chooses to cancel your autopsy, the Pathology department requires 24 hours notice.


WHAT IS AN AUTOPSY?
As advanced as medical science is, sometimes we need more thorough procedures to find out why your living status has been impaired. An autopsy can include CAT scans, X-rays, and surgical evaluation.

WILL IT INVOLVE SURGERY?
Yes. At times when there is a lack of obvious traumatic impact, surgery is needed. Your doctor may wish to examine your vital organs. This involves removal of the organs for the purpose of study. The contents of your stomach will also be examined, so we urge you not to take anything by mouth for 12 (twelve) hours before cessation of your existence or the procedure.

WILL IT HURT?
We certainly hope not. If at any time you're feeling uncomfortable, please feel free to alert the pathologist.

WHAT SHOULD I BRING?
We recommend a very large, empty suitcase. Ideally, your family should sign a "permission for disposal" form. If this has been done, you'll be provided with an effects bag and all unwanted matter will be disposed of in a device affectionately known as "Chuckie". It can also be helpful for you to bring anything that might have contributed to your current condition. This can include any drugs containers from medications you might have ingested.

WHEN CAN I RETURN TO WORK?
Not for a while. We suggest you worry about this after your autopsy.

WILL I HAVE A SCAR?
We take vanity in consideration. You may have a large "Y" shaped incision on your torso. There may also be some scalp incisions that can be covered by a competent professional.

WILL YOU LAUGH AT MY WEENIE?
Yes. Pathology is a profession fraught with stress and alcoholism. Your doctor may already have placed you in the Weenie Relocation Program (WRP) which means your weenie might end up in any number of body cavities, at the whim of your doctor. Should you not want us to laugh at your weenie, we suggest you dispose of it beforehand.

We at St. Amgems want your autopsy to be a positive experience and promise to treat your earthly remains with dignity and respect (aside from the weenie dealie). Please refer to our brochures "Cadaver's Bill of rights" and "So You're Dead. What Next?" for more information.

Remember, here at St. Amgems, our day starts when yours ends!