(Login Ozrical) Big Bad Mod from IP address 84.64.61.182
OK all. The number of jokes we are getting lately is beginning to clog up the forum so we have decided to have a single thread for all jokes people want to post. Be it a gut-buster sent to you by email or one of Patrick's "Attila the Hun once quipped" antiques please post all your jokes on this thread only. New joke posts will be deleted.
All jokes will remain on here for approximately one week then we'll have a tidy up so that it doesn't become a pain in the ass to read.
So, bring it on!
This message has been edited by Ozrical from IP address 195.92.41.134 on Jun 14, 2007 1:30 PM This message has been edited by Ozrical from IP address 195.92.41.134 on May 2, 2007 12:19 PM This message has been edited by Ozrical from IP address 84.64.61.182 on Apr 29, 2007 4:24 PM
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?"
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well,how was it?"
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
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"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just **** off and leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
3. The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.
5. Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. Remember, no one is listening until you fart.
7. Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments
10. Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. Have you ever lent someone a 20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreens.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
20. There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.
21. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.
22. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
24. When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our bottom. From there on in, life gets worse
25. The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.
Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know
skinny white man goes into a lift and looks at a huge black man who says "before you ask 7ft tall, 350lbs, 20" d**k and my balls weigh 3lbs each, Turner Brown" White guy faints, when he comes too he asks the black man to say that agin. Black man repeats his stats and says "my names Turner Brown" thank **** for that, i thought you said "TURN AROUND!"
www.digital-angels.co.uk bringing you what you want
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
With that, Mrs. Smith fainted
Rob Marea Weekend 1.8 16v 115 ELX
AlexW (no login) 89.240.209.26
Get Bupa now!
May 12 2007, 11:23 AM
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously. "Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?" The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."
If any ever tells you, you don't know Jack Schitt, read on..
WHO IS JACK SCHITT ?
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find
ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well,
thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had
one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt,
and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high
school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with
them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt
Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a
rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six
children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout
childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens
nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd,
and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently
returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well...last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.
A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Eye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle."
The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"
The Geordie said "Just the one, Marra."
The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?
"£124,237.64" replied the Geordie.
The manager choked and exclaimed "£124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?"
"Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I
took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"
"Ner, nah......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his ladyfriend and I said......... 'Well, since ya weekend's f**ked, you might as
well gan fishing."
A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot. The bartender is curious and askes him "every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."
This message has been edited by Tommy_K from IP address 88.106.157.68 on May 14, 2007 9:14 PM
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.
The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.
The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.
"That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor. "I mean business," the city slicker replied.
A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said. "Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him.
"Yeah," the yuppie replied. "If I can iron out a few problems." "Problems?" asked the proprietor. "Yeah," replied the yuppie, "I think I planted that last batch too close together."
patrick (no login) 81.178.105.203
Re: The official BOO joke thread - UPDATED
May 16 2007, 4:52 AM
A white bloke is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes the bloke makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the bloke knows, he's in a beddroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them
and begins to explore the house.
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is thickly covered in $100 bills.
Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits.
They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.
As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; It's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one,
"I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to
be filthy rich, but why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me
Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.
But there was a problem.
Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;
Metal,
Wood,
Stone,
anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her.
Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired.
What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted, and the prince went away sadly .
The second prince brought diamonds.??
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
:-[
The third prince approached. He told the princess,
"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer)
M&M's of course.?? They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
The year is 2057 and John and Maureen land on Mars, after accumulating Frequent Flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and start talking about sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do."
The couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it is still narrow."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull,his member grows wider and wider until it is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, and they made mad, passionate love.
The next day, the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways.
As they walked along, John asks, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was absolutely wonderful! How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.
Rob Marea Weekend 1.8 16v 115 ELX
AlexW (no login) 84.13.109.108
HM Revenue & Customs
May 19 2007, 8:40 PM
The only thing that HM Revenue & Customs has not taxed yet is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.
HOWEVER, effective 1st January 2007, the penis will now be taxed according to size.
The brackets are as follows:
10 - 12" Luxury Tax £300.00
8 - 10" Pole Tax £250.00
5 - 8" Privilege Tax £150.00
3 - 5" Nuisance Tax £30.00
Males exceeding 12" must file capital gains.
Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a tax refund.
An Englishman is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee,
croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum,
sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who,
nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: "You English folk eat the whole bread??"
Englishman (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only
eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it,
transform them into croissants and sell them to England." The Frenchman
has a smirk on his face.
The Englishman listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"
Englishman: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all
the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform
them into jam, and sell the jam to England."
After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: "Do you have sex in
France?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
Englishman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
Englishman: "We don't. In England, we put them in a container, recycle
them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France."
A man is driving down a road
A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction.
As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out of his wondow and yells "B**CH!!"
They continue on their way
As the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.
If only men would listen!
Two alligators were relaxing in the swamp talking.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand howyou kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, and we was the same size askids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin', boy?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator.
"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"
"Down 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawls up into one of them Lexus and wait fer one to open the cardoor. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the sh*t out of 'em, and eat'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain'tgettin'any real nourishment."
"See, by the time you get done shakin' the sh*t out of a Politician, thereain'tnothin' left but
an ******* and a briefcase!" ***************************
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they gotcaught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained.
"I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared,
and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski
holiday upnorth about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... now keep that smile for the rest of the day.)
***********************
A small boy gets separated from his father at a funfair, and asks apoliceman to help find him.
"What's your father like?" asks the policeman.
"Er, beer and women." -------------------------------------------
Mary gets married and has 17 children. Her husband dies, she marriesagain and has another 17 children.
The second husband dies, and a monthlater, so does Mary.
At her funeral the priest looks down at Mary in her coffin, and says:"Thank God, the two of them are together at last."
"Who do you mean, Father?" asked a mourner. "Her first husband or hersecond?"
"Actually," says the priest, "I was talking about her legs." -------------------------------------------------------
A small boy comes home carrying a football.
"Where did you get that from?" asks his mother, suspicion in her voice.
"I found it," he tells her
"Are you sure it was lost?"
"Oh yes. I saw some other boys looking for it." --------------------------------------------------------
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers.
"Doctor said to give up Keee-Babs. I said 'No, no-no'"
While redecorating a church, three nuns become extremely hot and sweaty in their habits, so Mother Superior says, "Let's take our clothes off, and work naked."
The other two nuns disapprove, and ask, "What if someone sees us?"
But the Mother Superior says, "Don't worry, no one will see us, we'll just lock the door."
So the other nuns agree, strip down and return to work.
Suddenly, they hear a knock at the door, and grab their clothes in a panic.
Mother Superior runs to the door and calls through, "Who is it?"
"Blind man," a man's voice comes back.
So she opens the door, and lets in the blind man, who turns to the nuns and says, "Great tits, ladies, now where do you want these blinds?"
AlexW (no login) 89.242.238.93
Re-incarnation!
May 25 2007, 9:23 PM
Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".
The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".
St Peter replied " You can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
You're ovulating" explained the rooster, don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Brian
Well just relax and let it happen"
So he did and a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him ...ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,
"Brian, wake up you dirty bastard, you're ****ting in the bed"
A drunken man walks into a bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around he sees 3 tattoed bikers sitting at a corner table.
He staggers over to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest one in the face and says, 'I went by your granny's house today and i saw her buck naked. Man, she's a fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is a real bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says, 'I got it on with your granny and she's good. The best i ever had.'
The biker buddies are starting to get really mad. But the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your granny liked it!'
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and says,
'Grandad, you're drunk...go home!'
Dear editor,
I've never written to you before, but i need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.
I've suspected for some time my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs... 'phone rings but if i answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out a lot recently. 'Just some friends from work, you don't know them.' She says.
I once picked up her mobile to see what time it was and she went berserk, and screamed that i should never touch her phone again, and why was i checking up on her.
Last night she went out for the third time this week, and i thought i'd check up on her. I decided to park my Harley next to the garage, and hide behind it, so i can get a good view of the whole street when she comes home.
It was that moment, while crouching behind my Harley, that i noticed that one of the valve covers on the engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.
Is this something i can fix myself, or do i need to take it back to the dealer?
Thanks Bob.
Bruce enters a bar, in Sydney, carrying an aligator, and says to the patrons,
'Here's the deal. I'll open this 'gator's mouth and place my genitals inside.'
The 'gator will close it's mouth for one minute, then open it. I'll remove my unit unscathed.
If it works, everyone buys me a drink.
The crowd agrees.
He drops his kek's and put's his privates in the 'gator's mouth. And the gator closes it's mouth.
After 1 minute, he grabs an empty beer bottle and bangs the 'gator on the head. The 'gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed.
Everyone buys him a drink. Then he says, 'I'll pay anyone A$100 who's willing to give it a try.'
After a while, a hand goes up at the back of the bar. It's a blonde.
'I'll give it a try,' she says, 'but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.'
TOO OLD TO PLAY FOOTBALL. TOO YOUNG TO PLAY GOLF
(no login) 90.240.15.124
Re: The official BOO joke thread - UPDATED
May 25 2007, 10:53 PM
Father bull and son bull, chewing away one day,
When the son shouts out dad look the farmers left the gate open to the shemoos,
lets run down down before he gets back and FU*K one.
The father replies,no son lets walk down and FU*K them ALL.
(no login) 90.240.15.124
Re: The official BOO joke thread - UPDATED
May 25 2007, 11:27 PM
Guy breaks up with his wife,he is realy down,
so his mate suggests he comes over on Friday for a some drinks and cards and a laugh.
so he says ye ok thanks,Friday comes he goes round there's a few other mates there, they have some drink and play cards one by one the rest leave its just him and his mate
Then the mates wife comes home,comes in and says al have a hand to,so she's playing to,she is sitting opposite to him, she drops something and asks him if he could get it,says it's over by you.
He bends down to look and she flashes him sharon stone style,he is a bit flusterd gets up and says i need some water goes to the kitchen
she follows him asks him if he liked what he saw,he says yes,she say you can have it but it will cost you £300,come round tomorrow afternoon.
So he does and bangs her always for a good two hours realy goes at it. Later her husband comes home asks was jimmy here this afternoon,she gets a bit paniky thinks i better say he was here in case he knows he was.
so she says ye why. He says a good he came by work this morning said he realy needed to borrow £300 AND THAT HE WOULD LEAVE IT WITH YOU>
There were 2 flea's on a woman's chuff. 1 was a mugger, and the other was a junky. How can you tell them apart?
1 was hiding in the bush, and the other was sniffing crack.
Which is the odd one out?
1. Toaster?
2. Spa pool?
3. Dishwasher?
4. Woman?
Answer. Toaster. It's the only one that doesn't drip when it's f****d!
Paddy went for an IQ test. He had to put the word 'Contagious' into a sentence.
'That's easy' said Paddy. 'I asked my mate to dig a hole, and it took the c**t ages!'
What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine? You hug a woman when you put your load in!
Notice out side my local hospital "Guard dogs operating"
patrick (no login) 85.210.47.175
Re: The official BOO joke thread - UPDATED
June 4 2007, 4:07 PM
Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.
When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol' mate, how we gonna tell who owns which sodding pig?"
Paddy says "Well Paddy, I'll cut one a ta' ears off my sodding pig, and ten we can tell 'em apart" "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
This worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said "Your sodding pig has chewed the ear offa my sodding pig. Now we got two sodding pigs with on one ear each. How we gonna tell who owns which sodding pig?"
"Well Paddy" said Paddy "I'll cut ta other ear off my sodding pig. Ten we'll av two sodding pigs and only one of them will avan ear" "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
Again this worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy again stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said "Your sodding pig has chewed the other ear offa my sodding pig. Now we got two sodding pigs with no sodding ears!" "How we gonna tell who owns which
sodding pig?" "Ah tis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy "I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut ta tail offa my sodding pig, ten we'll av two sodding pigs with no sodding ears and only one sodding tail." "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
Another couple of weeks went by, and you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more. "PADDY!" shouted Paddy "YOUR SODDING PIG HAS CHEWED THE SODDING TAIL OFFA MY SODDING PIG AND NOW WE GOT TWO SODDING PIGS WITH NO SODDING EARS AND NO SODDING TAILS !! HOW THE HELL ARE WE EVER GONNA SODDING TELL 'EM APART?!"
.
.
.
.
.
"Ah sod it!" says Paddy "How's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one."
Emma (no login) 82.39.247.120
Re: The official BOO joke thread - UPDATED
June 5 2007, 11:02 AM
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man Of Your House."
He stormed out to his wife in the kitchen and> announced, "From now on,you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is LAW. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The f*ckin' funeral director would be my first guess."
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.
I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, permanent."
Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went "T'PAU!"
I said "Don't you mean KAPOW??
He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm2frightened of lapels."
He said, "You've got cholera."
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.
I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue.
I couldn't put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
He said, "No, this is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first"
He went "Baah" and I went "Moo"
He said "You're closest"
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
A man walks into a bar in Chicago 5 pm and orders three whiskeys. Not one after another but all three at once. The bartender is a bit puzzled about this unusual request but doesn't say anything and gives the man what he wants: three whiskeys side by side on the bar counter. The man drinks them one by one, pays the bill and leaves. The next day he's back 5 pm and makes the same order: Three whiskeys at once.
This is repeated the following day, and every day for two weeks. In the end the curiosity gets the better of the bartender. Not to be nosey, he says, but you have come in here every single day for the last two weeks and ordered your three whiskeys. Could you tell me why? Most people order them one a time. Oh, says the man, the answer is quite simple. I have two brothers. One of them lives in New York, one lives in San Francisco, and we are very close. To honour our friendship we each go into a bar 5 pm and order three whiskeys, silently drinking to each others health and pretend that we are all gathered in the same place. The bartender nods, finally he understands the reason behind this odd ritual and does not think about it after this. This repeats itself for another four months. The man comes every day 5 pm and the bartender serves him the three drinks.
Then something happens. The man shows up at the usual time one afternoon but this time he only orders two whiskeys. The bartender is concerned and a little later he summons up his courage and says: Not to be nosey but every single day for the last four and a half months you have come here to order three whiskeys. Now you are ordering two. I know it is none of my business but I just hope that nothing bad has happened to your family. Nothing has happened, says the man cheerful as ever. What then? asks the bartender. The answer is simple, says the man. I have quit drinking.
A man is committed to a mental hospital with severe paranoia.
One day, he's in his room and can hear a voice saying, "24, 24, 24, 24"... over and over...
It goes on, all day and night and the man can't figure out where this voice is coming from.
The next morning, he notices a small hole in the wall and it soon becomes clear that the voice is coming from here.
"24, 24, 24, 24"...the voice keeps chanting...
Cautiously, the man approaches the hole and his suspicions are confirmed as the voice is obviously coming from the hole.
"24, 24, 24, 24....."
Carefully and gingerly he moves his eye towards the hole to see the source of his torment.
"24, 24, 24, 24....."
As his eye reaches the hole, a finger shoots out and jabs him hard in the eye.
"25, 25, 25, 25...."
Rob Mk.2 Marea Weekend 1.8 16v 115 ELX
axle (no login) 90.197.243.167
Re: The official BOO joke thread - UPDATED
June 11 2007, 3:38 PM
Farmer gets a phone call from his foreman."I've just run over a pig and its under the tractor wheels still alive,What shall i do?,"Shoot it then bury it"said the farmer, Twenty minutes later he gets another call. " I done that gaffer" said the foreman,"Now, what shall I do with his speed camera and hat?"
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!"
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan. " Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did
Rob Mk.2 Marea Weekend 1.8 16v 115 ELX
AlexW (no login) 89.242.225.89
Re: The official BOO joke thread - UPDATED
June 13 2007, 9:50 PM
THIS NUN TOOK A TAXI AND COULD NOT HELP NOTICING THAT THE DRIVER KEPT TURNING AND STARING AT HER . SHE ASKED HIM WHY HE WAS DOING THIS AND THE TAXI DRIVER ADMITTED THAT IT HAD BEEN HIS LIFE LONG AMBITION TO BE KISSED BY A NUN AND QUITE ESPECIALLY ONE AS BEAUTIFUL AS HER .
THE NUN GAVE THIS SOME THOUGHT, EXPLAINED THAT WHILE SUCH A THING WAS NOT OUT OF THE QUESTION SHE WOULD NEED THE ASSURANCE THAT HE WAS UNMARRIED AND A CATHOLIC . HE GAVE HIS ASSURANCE ,DROVE DOWN AN ALLEYWAY, GOT INTO THE BACK OF THE TAXI AND THEY HAD A TERRIFIC TIME . WHEN THEY DROVE OFF THE NUN NOTICED THAT THE DRIVER WAS CRYING AND ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER . " I HAVE SINNED" HE SAID ." I LIED TO YOU AND ASK FOR FORGIVENESS I AM JEWISH AND MARRIED "
THATS OKAY SAID THE NUN " MY NAME IS TREVOR AND IM GOING TO A FANCY DRESS BALL "
Graham NZ (no login) 125.239.65.211
Re: The official BOO joke thread - UPDATED
June 14 2007, 11:48 AM
Two old women were at the local Bingo. One turns to the other and says:
'Did you come on the bus, Beryl'.
'Yes, Gladys' she replied. 'But i made it look like an asthma attack'.
Here are 12 of the finest double-entendres that were aired on TV & Radio
1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
2. New ZealandRugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside him. "
3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - " Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."
5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??"
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, " So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have toleave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters - "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
"Doctor said to give up Keee-Babs. I said 'No, no-no'"
man has an appointment to see a nurse for an anual checkup. The nurse says to the man 'you really must stop masturbating'
'why?' asks the man.
The nurse replies 'well, I'm trying to examine you'.
I miss my HGT!!
AlexW (no login) 78.144.32.168
Re: The official BOO joke thread
June 25 2007, 8:24 PM
Bono, the lead singer of the band U2 is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.
He is playing a U2 concert in Glasgow, when he asks the audience for total quiet.
Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.
Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice with a broad Scottish accent, from near the front of the crowd, pierces the silence.............
"Well bloody stop doin it then!"
Anonymous (no login) 213.123.44.130
Why we like the British
June 29 2007, 11:01 AM
Why We Like The British - FROM BRITISH NEWSPAPERS
1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)
2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)
3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)
A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."
4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."
5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".
6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."
8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on ! then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."
9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."
10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."
12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways! !"
14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."
Anonymous (no login) 213.123.44.130
Plans for the 2012 London Olympics
June 29 2007, 11:02 AM
As you may know, East London will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012. What you may not know, is that many aspects of the games have been especially altered to embrace the culture of the area. A copy of these changes has been leaked and is reproduced below.
OPENING CEREMONY
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city. The flame will be contained in a large, overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.
THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic games East London's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
100 Metres Sprint - Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
110 Metres hurdles - As above, but with added obstacles (car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls, etc).
Hammer - Competitors may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge, etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.
Fencing - Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.
Shooting - A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller, or Securicor style wages delivery man. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic pistol, or a sawn-off 12 bore shotgun.
Boxing - Entry to the boxing event will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager, while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
Cycling Time Trials - Competitors will be asked to break in to the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home, all against the clock.
Cycling pursuit - As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Fiji rugby sevens team, who will witness the theft.
Modern Pentathlon - Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.
Swimming Events - All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels. Once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised. Please note that the synchronised swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool. The specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve".
The Marathon - A safe route has yet to be decided.
Men's 50km Walk - Unfortunately, this event will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Stratford, especially anyone that appears to be mincing.
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford Health in the Community, anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing and music by The
Walthamstow Community Choir. The flame will be extinguished by riot police water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham supporters.
The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break in and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.
police have carried out a controlled explosion on a suspiscious car in Liverpool, it had not been hotwired, had a full set of wheels and even had the stereo in it.
A brand new store has just opened in London that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:-
"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kid and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 -These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.
The 1st floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.
Hear the one about the terrorist in glasgow who was on fire after he drove into the airport and started running around. He has now been done for smoking in public.
Andy
Anonymous (no login) 213.123.44.130
Re: The official BOO joke thread
July 6 2007, 10:40 AM
A Russian ocean liner was making a transatlantic voyage to New York.
From the deck, there were some clouds visible on the far horizon.
One couple, Boris and Natasha, were arguing about whether the weather was going to turn worse. Just then, General Rudolf Karpov, a high-ranking member of the Communist Party Politburo, walked past.
The couple sought his views about the weather. He looked at the horizon and then stated that it would start to rain within the next twelve hours.
“Well then, that settles it. He agrees with me!” said Natasha, smugly.
“And what makes his opinion so infallible?” retorted her husband Boris.
“Because, of course, Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear.”
- - - - - - - - - -
A tribal chieftain in a tropical jungle area decided that he needed a throne to signify his exalted position. He commanded the royal craftsmen to fashion a throne carved from the local teak wood. He was pleased with the result as he sat on his new throne.
After several weeks, the tropical humidity started to wear down the teak, and the chieftain commanded a new throne, carved from ivory, be made. When it was delivered, the old teak throne was carried up by the servants and stored in an attic in the chief’s thatched hut.
There was really nothing wrong with it, but the chief became bored with the ivory throne after a time, and commanded that a new one cast of solid gold be made for him. When it was delivered to him, the old ivory throne was carried up to the attic to be stored with the teak throne.
The gold from the throne twinkled in the chief’s eye as he settled himself on his glittering new perch. After a few moments, however, the roof above the chief gave way from the weight of the other thrones, falling upon him and, regrettably, killing him instantly.
Which goes to show once again that people who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.
- - - - - - - - - -
I wondered why the baseball appeared to be getting bigger. Then it hit me.
****
Police were called to the day-care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
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Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and left leg? He's all right now.
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The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
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To try writing with a broken pencil is pointless.
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When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
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The short psychic who escaped from jail was a small medium at large.
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A thief who shoplifted a calendar got twelve months.
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A thief slipped and fell in wet cement and broke his leg. He became a hardened criminal.
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Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
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We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
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When the smog lifts in Los Angeles... UCLA.
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The math teacher went crazy writing on the blackboard. He really did a number on it.
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The geology professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
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The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
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If you take your USB flash drive for a run, you could jog your memory.
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The dentist and the manicurist fought tooth and nail.
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I was fixing the roof and slipped and fell off. Besides breaking my ankle, I came down with a case of shingles.
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What are four hundred rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare line.
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A good pun is its own reword.
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Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
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A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
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A pessimist's blood type is always B-negative.
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My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
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Dijon vu: The same mustard as before.
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I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
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A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
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Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
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I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
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I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
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Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
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Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
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Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
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Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
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Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
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A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
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Without geometry, life is pointless.
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When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
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Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
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When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
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A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
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What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
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In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
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A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
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Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and I'll show you A-flat minor.
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When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
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The man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
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The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
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A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
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A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
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A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
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A plateau is a high form of flattery.
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The short fortuneteller who escaped from jail was a small medium at large.
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Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
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When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
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Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
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Santa's helpers are subordinate Clauses.
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Acupuncture is a jab well done.
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Practice safe eating – always use condiments.
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If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?
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A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
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Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
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Banning the bra was a big flop.
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A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
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Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
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Income Tax: Capitol punishment.
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A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be.
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Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.
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A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats, and the police didn't have anything to go on.
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Old age: When actions creak louder than words.
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Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation.
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Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
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Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard tines?
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Why won't melons elope in Las Vegas? They cantaloupe.
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Q: What do Christmas and a crab on the beach have in common?
A: They both involve sandy claws.
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Archeologist: a man whose career lies in ruins.
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Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.
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Did you hear about the snake who gave birth to a bouncing baby boa?
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Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant, so I gave him a pizza my mind.
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The competition at a local dog show was pretty ruff.
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Q: How did the pig with laryngitis feel?
A: Dis-gruntled.
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Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. (Groucho Marx)
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I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
(W.C. Fields)
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A man wrote ten puns entered them in a contest. He figured with that many entries, he would win something. As the list of winners and their submissions was being read, he was confident one of his entries would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Anonymous (no login) 213.123.44.130
Re: The official BOO joke thread
July 6 2007, 3:27 PM
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember.
My kids came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left
for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning
Boss, Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?".
She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake . Followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday!".
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
AlexW (no login) 89.243.174.81
Re: The official BOO joke thread
July 10 2007, 4:37 PM
A young couple wanted to join a church.
The reverend told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.
You must abstain from sex for one whole month."
The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.
When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the
husband obviously very depressed.
You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the Reverend inquired.
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain
from sex for the required month..." the young man replied sadly.
The Reverend asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult.... However, we managed to abstain
through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use
of prayer, we managed to abstain."
"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer,
reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off carnal
thoughts.
One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When
she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way
with her right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.
"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated
the Reverend.
"We know.." said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at
Homebase either..."
One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!" "Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies. "There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Tesco Club card points as well". So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks". That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturb%ted into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer printed the following: i) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. ii) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet iii) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. iv) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. v) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. vi) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better........ Thank you for shopping at Tesco.
"Doctor said to give up Keee-Babs. I said 'No, no-no'" My Members Page
donny lad (no login) 82.34.248.121
Re: The official BOO joke thread
July 15 2007, 5:20 PM
To My Dearest Wife,
During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:
We will wake the kids - 54 times
It's too late - 15 times
I'm too tired - 42 times
It's too early - 12 times
It's too hot - 18 times
Pretending to be asleep - 31 times
The neighbors will hear - 9 times
Headache or backache - 26 times
Sunburn - 10 times
Your mother will hear us - 9 times
Not in the mood - 21 times
Watching the late show - 17 times
Too sore - 26 times
New hairdo - 6 times
Wrong time of the month - 14 times
You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times
Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??
Love, Your Hubby
To My Dearest Husband,
I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:
Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times
Did not come home at all - 36 times
Did not come - 21 times
Came too soon - 38 times
Went soft before you got it in - 19 times
Cramps in your leg - 16 times
Working too late - 33 times
You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times
Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times
You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times
You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times
You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times
You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times
Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times
The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"
Three tortoises, Phil, John and Dave, decide to go on a picnic. So Dave
packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the
picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there. When they get there Dave unpacks the food and beer.
"OK Phil give me the bottle opener."
"I didn't bring it," says Phil. "I thought you packed it."
Dave gets worried, He turns to John, "Did you bring the bottle opener?"
Naturally John didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home
without a bottle opener. Dave and John beg Phil to go back for it.
But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that
they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Phil sets off down the
road at a steady pace.
Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Dave and John are starving,
but a promise is a promise.
Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.
Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each,
and just as they are about to eat it, Phil pops up from behind a rock and
shouts........
,
,
,
,
,
,
,"I KNEW IT!!. ......................I'M NOT F**KING GOING!"
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
1fatBEAVER (no login) 194.176.105.36
Re: The official BOO joke thread
July 21 2007, 12:56 AM
a bloke was caught having an affair by his wife. she decided on revenge. she offered him a blowjob, sliced off his willy and threw it out of the window. it landed on an unsuspecting paddy and micks windscreen as they drove past, paddy turn and says to mick, "did you see the cock on that moth"
scotty (no login) 84.67.91.251
Re: The official BOO joke thread
July 21 2007, 2:31 AM
Paddy and mick,walking home from the pub,pissed one night,, paddy drukenly!! falls down a deep hole that was clearley marked by the correct messures as road works. Any way he is in the hole,Mick shouts down are ye ok pad!! to witch he says no i think i broke something??,, Mick shouts down what did you brake pad says dont know to dark to see??? so mick says am gona throw you down a match te see what the problem is pad, so he throws it down,,paddy is striking away like a mad man with this match!! then shouts up this fcuking match aint working!! to witch Mick replies STRANGE that!! pad,, it did the last time i used it!!.
Anonymous (no login) 62.136.133.128
Re: The official BOO joke thread
July 21 2007, 9:24 AM
A Nun & a priest were crossing the Sahara Desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After along period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this looks pretty grim.." "I know, father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
"I agree," says the Father. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
"Anything, Father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?"
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes, Sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis . Could I see yours?"
"I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied, lifting his robe.
"Oh Father, may I touch it?"
This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can produce life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes, it is, Sister."
"Oh Father that's wonderful, stick it in the camel and let's get the F** k out of here."
Anonymous (no login) 62.136.133.128
Re: The official BOO joke thread
July 22 2007, 4:20 PM
The headlines today....
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Afghanistan, Taleban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United Kingdom that if military action against Afghanistan & Iraq continues, Taleban authorities will cut off Britain's supply of paper shop store managers. And if this action does not yield sufficient results, taxi drivers will be next, followed by BT customer service reps, Travelodge receptionists, Tube Station staff, McDonalds workers and off licence cashiers.
In further news, Tesco have revealed the name of the organisation behind last weeks bomb threats. Police have warned the public to be on the look out for members of Aldi Qaeda.
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100-years-old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."
One day a man and woman were standing outside the nursing home casually having a drink and a smoke. After being outside for a while it started to rain on them. Suddenly, the man took out a condom, cut off the tip, and slipped it over his cigarette. The lady asked, "What's that for?" He replied, "It's to keep my cigarette dry when I'm outside smoking and it starts to rain." The lady said, "That's a pretty nifty idea." The following day the old lady went to the drugstore to get some condoms. She walked in and told the clerk, "I'd like some condoms please." The clerk looked at the old lady, rather baffled at why she would need condoms. However, he asked, "What brand would you like, Madam?" The old lady smiled and replied, "I don't care what brand you give me, as long as it fits a Camel."
(Premier Login FiatBravo) Forum Owner 204.104.55.242
Fishy Joke
July 23 2007, 10:36 AM
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail (the punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark," came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed........." . . . . . . . . . . . . I've found Cod and I'm a prawn again Christian!
AlexW (no login) 89.243.167.99
Re: The official BOO joke thread
July 24 2007, 8:10 PM
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of
the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill
you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his
back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's
impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you
in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him,
and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across
the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the
Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous
brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's
tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a
man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last
request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse,....alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him
square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully for the last time. I
said, "BRING POSSE".
A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on
board, bound for Chester Zoo.
They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver fears he will get
the sack if they don't get there on time. He decides to try and thumb a
lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry driver pulls over.
"Where are you going ?" asks the Irish chap. "Do us a favour mate and
take these to Chester Zoo for me" says the driver, "and here's a hundred
quid for your troubles."
"Happy days," says the Irish fella, and loads the monkeys onto his
truck and gets on his way. The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck
and is there for a good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back
down the motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags
him down again.
"What are you playing at," he fumes, "I told you to take them to
Chester Zoo!"
"I did," says the Irish fella, "but there's still fifty quid left so now we're going
Blonde LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away.......... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooo, can you see Florida .???"
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
AlexW (no login) 84.13.73.46
Re: The official BOO joke thread
August 11 2007, 11:52 AM
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a
preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and
subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is
almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you
ready to find Jesus?"
"Yes I am" replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the
river.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't." The preacher, shocked at the answer,
dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time.
He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my
brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I have not found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the
water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up.
The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found
Jesus?"
The drunk coughs and splutters and wipes his eyes, catches his breath and
says to the preacher,
Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.
"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.
"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."
"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"
A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes
into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and
says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll
forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.
************
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his
wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband,
rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps
his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
**************
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number
of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a
terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle
slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about
it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the
compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his
wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong,
Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this
tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't " she exclaimed. "Yes, I did." he replied. "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh... she got fired too."
************
A couple had been married for 50 years They were sitting at the
breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we
were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said.
"We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago ."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times." Where upon, the two
stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the
little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you
today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied
Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your porridge."
A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds and the breeze was warm and gentle. A perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely West Coaster Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until Hamish took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman Hamish had ever seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, Hamish started to get "those feelings" again.
He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and, realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk ?"
Mick was having trouble with my computer.
So he called Ian, the computer guy, to come over.
Ian clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
He gave Mick a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, Mick called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
Ian replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
Mick didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T Error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"
Ian grinned... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error Before?"
"No," Mick replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
I have just bought a new car with a very clever cd/dvd player in it. It has voice activated controls so if I shout "Country and Western" it will play Dolly Parton. If I shout "Rock" it will play Guns 'n' Roses.
I was driving through town at the weekend and some little brats ran in front of my car. I shouted out "Fu*king kids" and it played Gary Glitter.
***********
My next door neighbour is an 80 year old lady who has her grandson living with her. Apparently, last week he said to his gran, "Have you seen my pills that I have to take , they... err ... have the letters LSD printed on the side of them" His gran replied, "F*ck your pills.................... have you seen those dragons in the kitchen?"
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday ?
"I'd love to be eight again." she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they went to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favourite lolly and M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted.
He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
"I meant my dress size, you f****** t*t"
The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he's bound to get it wrong!
A woman sitting in a restaurant suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Paddy and Murphy sitting at the next table turned to look at her.
"Kin ya swaller?" asked Paddy.
The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.
"Kin ya breathe?" asked Murphy.
The woman shook her head No!!!
With that, Paddy walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her backside.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
Paddy swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer. Murphy said in admiration
"Ya know Paddy, I'd heard of that bloody Hind-Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it".
Rob Mk.2 Marea Weekend 1.8 16v 115 ELX
AlexW (no login) 89.243.174.139
Re: The official BOO joke thread
August 23 2007, 5:28 PM
A Florida couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about an African black bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis .
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No, it's turned black".
AlexW (no login) 89.242.75.167
Re: The official BOO joke thread
August 29 2007, 4:08 PM
A nun walks into the Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a
chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought
this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother.
We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a
talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it
your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's
name in vain today!!!
"Goodness, Sister" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must
tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster,
540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit
the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And
it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it
hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that
didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom
what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my
ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud
of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God,
this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off,
with my ball still clutched in his paws!!
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as
the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling,
and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped
out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across
her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
A young punk gets on a bus and sits down in directly across from an old man.
The young punk has spiked green, purple and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His entire face and body are covered with piercings and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers.
The old man stares at the young punk as the bus travels across the city.
Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, "What are you looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot... I thought you might be my son."
axle (no login) 90.202.145.133
Re: The official BOO joke thread
August 31 2007, 5:52 PM
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India ..
The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mr. Manager, I am ready."
The manager said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar."
Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for Dell technical support. Perhaps you have spoken to him. I think I have.
There was a chicken and a horse playing together on a farm one day. The horse fell into a mud pit and yelled to the chicken to run to the house and get the farmer. The chicken ran to the house and the farmer was nowhere to be found. So, it got into the farmer's BMW and pulled the horse out with it.
The next day the chicken and the horse were playing on the farm again. This time the chicken fell into the mud pit and yelled to the horse to get help. So, the horse stood over the mud pit and told the chicken to grab on to his penis and he'd pull him out. The chicken grabbed on and, indeed, the horse pulled him out.
The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
Little Johnny walks in to his parent’s bedroom to find his Dad giving his Mum one.
His Dad smirks and throws a pillow at him saying "get out of here".
A couple of hours later Dad hears a commotion coming from Johnnie’s bedroom. He goes in to find Johnny giving Grandma one, to which Johnny says "ain't so funny when it’s your Mother is it?"
Rob Mk.2 Marea Weekend 1.8 16v 115 ELX
AlexW (no login) 84.13.101.14
Jesus is watching you!
September 8 2007, 9:49 PM
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"
Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus"
Ian (no login) 135.196.131.194
Re: The official BOO joke thread
September 13 2007, 2:24 PM
Has anyone heard of that new Renault with a compartment in the boot where you can hide your kids?
Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.
After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers:
"Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate £100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."
The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord, It must not be changed."
"Well," says the Nescafe man, "We anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, we will increase our offer to £300 million. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."
Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
Finally, the Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate £500 million - that's half a billion quid - to the great Catholic church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'.
Please consider it." And he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some Good news," he announces, "and some bad news..... The good news is that the Church will come into £500 million."
"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.
-
-
-
-
"We're losing the Hovis Account."
Rob Mk.2 Marea Weekend 1.8 16v 115 ELX
stephen01 (no login) 82.47.119.179
Re: The official BOO joke thread
October 15 2007, 1:19 PM
The Living Statues
Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life.
You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."
And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.
After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.
Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"
stephen01 (no login) 82.47.119.179
Re: The official BOO joke thread
October 15 2007, 1:30 PM
this woman and a baby went to the doctor’s, he examined the baby, checked its weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
‘Breast fed’ the woman replied.
‘Well, strip down to your waist’ the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Asking her to get dressed he said ‘No wonder this baby is under weight! You don’t have any milk’
‘I know’ she said, ‘I’m his grandmother, but I’m glad I came’
A businessman was about to go on a long business trip, and was worried that his wife would cheat on him while he was gone. So to prevent this, he visited the local sex shop in order to buy his wife a vibrator to keep her occupied in his absence.
After examining the products, he hadn't found an appropriately amazing vibrator and asked the store clerk for help. The store clerk recommended the "Voodoo Dick."
"How does it work?" asked the businessman.
The clerk unwrapped the Voodoo Dick from its ceremonial tiki box and said to it, "Voodoo Dick that door." The vibrator flew out of the box and attacked the door with such vigor that the door split in half.
"Fantastic," said the man. "I'll take it!"
He instructed his wife on how to use the Voodoo Dick and left on his business trip. Soon, his wife decided to try it out and said the magic words: "Voodoo Dick my pussy."
The Voodoo Dick flew out of the box and gave her orgasm after orgasm. But soon it became too much, and she couldn't figure out how to make it stop. So she got into her car and began driving to the hospital, swerving so much that she got pulled over by the police. The policeman asked her why she was driving so recklessly and she explained to him that she had a Voodoo Dick inside her that wouldn't leave her alone.
The policeman looked at her skeptically and said, "Voodoo Dick, my ass."
Martin (no login) 62.200.20.13
Re: The official BOO joke thread
October 16 2007, 11:04 AM
One for all us married men.....
A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.'
'You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your willy was chopped off in the crash and we were unable to find it.'
Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, 'You've got a £9000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch.'
The bloke perks up at this.
'So the thing is' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed.
So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'
So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.
'So' says the doctor 'Have you spoken with your wife?'
40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very friendly person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker
WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
And finally.....
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrualcycle.For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.
Brittany was on her deathbed, with her husband Adam at her side.
She kept trying to tell him something, but he kept saying, "Shhhh, don't worry now darling, just rest."
"But honey," she whispered, "I need to make a confession before I die... I slept with your brother, your best friend, and your father."
"Don't worry about it, sweetie," replied Adam as he wiped the tears from Brittany's cheek, "I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"
A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.
The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."
The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."
The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."
The the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."
The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."
The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."
Graham NZ (no login) 121.73.58.52
Re: The official BOO joke thread
October 19 2007, 7:45 PM
A couple we kissing and cuddling in a car. The woman whisper's into her partner's ear: 'Kiss me where it's wet'.
So he took her to Weston!
Two men are on opposite sides of the earth. One is walking a tightrope. The other is getting a blowjob by a 90-year-old woman.
Both get the exact same thought at the exact same time.
Paddy the Irish farmer is said to be shocked at finding out that all his cows have Blue Tongue.
"Bejesus", he said, "I didn't even know they had mobiles..."
Rob Mk.2 Marea Weekend 1.8 16v 115 ELX
AlexW (no login) 89.242.230.21
Re: The official BOO joke thread
October 21 2007, 10:27 AM
AT THE NATIONAL GALLLERY IN LONDON A HUSBAND AND WIFE WERE STARING AT A PICTURE IN COMPLETE CONFUSION .THE PAINTING DEPICTED THREE TOTALLY NAKED BLACK MEN SITTING ON A PARK BENCH ;TWO OF THE FIGURES HAD BLACK WILLIES ,THE ONE IN THE MIDDLE HAD A PINK WILLY.
THE CURATOR OF THE GALLERY CAME BY,NOTICED THE COUPLES CONCERN AND OFFERED HIS INTERPRETATION OF THE PAINTING:AT SOME LENGTH HE EXPLAINED HOW IT DEPICTED THE SEXUAL EMASCULATION OF BLACK MEN IN A PREDOMINANTLY WHITE , PATRIARCHAL SOCIETY , GOING ON TO SAY THAT SOME CRITICS BELIEVED THAT THE PINK WILLY ALSO REFLECTED THE CULTURAL AND SOCIOLOGICAL OPPRESSION EXPIERIENCED BY GAY MEN IN A CONTEMPORARY SOCIETY .
AFTER THE CURATOR HAD GONE , A MAN APPROACHED THE COUPLE AND ASKED WHETHER THEY WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHAT THE PAINTING WAS REALLY ABOUT .
"WHY WOULD YOU CLAIM TO BE MORE OF AN EXPERT THAN THE CURATOR ?"
HE REPLIED THAT HE WAS THE MAN WHO PAINTED THE PICTURE
"THERE ARE NO BLACK MEN DEPICTED AT ALL ;THEY ARE JUST THREE COALMINERS AND THE GUY IN THE MIDDLE WENT HOME FOR LUNCH
Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.
The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter''s room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!"
"It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn't even know that she drank!"
"Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and you''ll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms! I didn't even know that she had a penis!"
An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''
*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess.''
*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.
''Your third wish?'' asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. ''Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?'' she asks.
*** POOF ***
There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, ''Bet you're sorry you had me neutered.''
Kate (Login -x-Kate-x-) Events Organiser 88.106.160.220
Re: The official BOO joke thread
October 30 2007, 4:47 PM
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, ''What are you carrying?''
''Melons,'' the blonde replies.
''Cool," the guy says. "If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?''
The blonde giggles and says, ''If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them.''
mistresshgt (no login) 80.7.238.126
Re: The official BOO joke thread
October 31 2007, 6:52 AM
man pinches his wifes arse and says "if you firm this up you could get rid of your girdle". later that night in bed he squeezes her tits and says "if you firm these up you could get rid of your bra". she grabbed his dick and said "if you firmed this up i could get rid of the gardener, the milkman and your f***ing brother)!!!
mistresshgt (no login) 80.7.238.126
Re: The official BOO joke thread
October 31 2007, 7:01 AM
a donkey and a chicken are out in the field when the donkey falls down a hole. the chicken races over and jumps in the farmers B.M.W. ties one end of a rope to the car and the other to the donkey and pulls him out. the next day they are out in the field again and the chicken falls down the hole. he tells the donkey to run and get the farmers B.M.W. but instead the donkey just walks over to the hole, stands over it and drops his c**k into in and the chicken climbs out.
moral of the story is when you are hung like a donkey you dont need a B.M.W. to pull a chick!!!!!!!
steve (no login) 80.249.49.1
Re: The official BOO joke thread
October 31 2007, 6:36 PM
kate beat you too it
MickN69HLX (no login) 194.176.105.35
Re: The official BOO joke thread
November 5 2007, 3:56 AM
Whats the difference between PMT and BSE, one attacks the cows brain and sends it ****ing mental and apparently the other's an agricultural problem...
man goes to the doctors, he says "i have a very embarassing problem, every time i maturbate, i shout NEWCASTLE UNITED FOREVER. Dont worry the docs says, all wankers do it...
a woman takes an innocent young lad home for sex and wants a 69. whats that he asks? she tells him "you put your head between my legs and i do the same to you" when doing it, she farts, she says sorry, lets try again, she farts again! he gets up and starts to get dressed, what you doing she asks, !i'm not hanging around for another F*CKING 67 of those...
a wife gets naked and asks hubby, "what turns you on more? my pretty face or my sexy body? hubby looks her up and down and replies, " your fu*king sense of humour...
went to the cemetery yesterday. there were four grave diggers walking around with a coffin. i went back today and they were still there, i thought to my self these fu*kers have lost the plot...
a bloke comes back from tha amazon with a cock sucking frog. he hands it to his wife, who asks "what shall i do with that??" he says "teach it to cook and fu*k off"...
whats the difference between getting caught by a speed camera and going down on your lady friend??? when you go down on your woman, you can actually see the c*nt behind the bush...
london police are in trouble again i see, they have just shot a bus load of thalidomide muslims who were suspected of bringing small arms into the country...
There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children.
One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in there perfect car, they saw an elf by the side of the road, being the perfect people they were they picked him up.
Well as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with the elf, somehow they got into an accident. Two people died and one lived.
Who died and who lived?
The perfect woman, because the perfect man and elves aren't real.
His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde .
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.Clyde responded,
"Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after he accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me,and said, "How are you feeling?"
Which airline?
A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.
He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an off duty flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself: "Damn, she doesn't work for Delta."
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.
Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk."
This time the woman turned on him "What the Hell do you want?"
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said "Ahhhhh, Ryanair!!!
Axle (no login) 90.198.50.43
Re: The official BOO joke thread
November 16 2007, 5:24 PM
Einstein's theory
On 14th March next it will be the anniversary of Einstein's birth. He would have been 128.
Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed, and postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection.
This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.
Axle (no login) 90.198.50.43
Re: The official BOO joke thread
November 16 2007, 5:30 PM
Anxious Cab Driver
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
AlexW (no login) 78.144.100.245
Re: The official BOO joke thread
November 17 2007, 9:57 AM
macca interview...
Journalist: "Would you ever go down on one knee again?"
Macca: "I'd prefer it if you'd call her Heather"
dougie (no login) 77.102.140.51
Re: The official BOO joke thread
November 22 2007, 8:29 PM
Tributes are being paid to Scotland this morning after the entire country laughed itself to death.
The alarm was first raised at around 10pm last night as thousands of phone calls and text messages went unanswered.
Small groups of volunteers from Berwick-Upon-Tweed and Carlisle ventured north just after midnight only to find houses full of dead people gathered around still blaring television sets.
By dawn, as RAF helicopters flew over deserted city streets, it was clear that the whole country had suffered a catastrophic abdominal rupture.
Wayne Hayes, a special constable from Northumberland, said: "We went into one house in Dunbar and found three men sitting on the sofa with huge smiles on their faces, still holding cans of 70 shilling. They seemed to be at peace."
He added: "In a house near Edinburgh we found a man face down on the living room floor with his trousers and pants round his knees.
"It seems he may have been showing his bare buttocks to the television when he keeled over."
Roy Hobbs, a civil engineer from Northampton, said: "I got a call from my friend Ian in Stirling at about 9.50pm.
"He was already laughing when I answered the phone, but after about 25 minutes of the most vigorous and uncontrollable hilarity, everything suddenly went very quiet."
Moving tributes are already being placed along the Scotland-England border with many mourners opting to leave a simple bag of chips or a deep fried bunch of flowers.
Gary (no login) 193.195.77.34
Re: The official BOO joke thread
November 24 2007, 8:51 PM
What do women and Clouds have in common?
When they both F**K off it's normally a nice day.....
Paddy pulls alongside a lorry. 'Oi driver, you're losing your load.' Driver shouts 'F*** off.'
5 miles further Paddy does the same again. And yet again, the driver tells him to F*** off.
When Paddy does it the third time, the driver shouts: 'Will you F*** off, i'm gritting the road.'
England football team are to change their shirts from 3 lions to 3 tampons, to represent the worst F***ing period they've ever had.
A vampire bat arrives back at the roost with blood all over it's face. All the other bats are excited and ask where he got it from.
'Follow me'.
He took them over the hill, over two rivers and into a dark forest.
'See that tree over there?'
'Yes said the group.'
'Well i didn't!'
A penis says to his balls, 'Ok lads, get ready, i'm taking you to a party.'
The balls reply, ' You liar, you always go inside and leave us outside, knocking.'
TOO OLD TO PLAY FOOTBALL. TOO YOUNG TO PLAY GOLF
AlexW (no login) 89.242.203.81
Re: The official BOO joke thread
December 1 2007, 3:12 PM
A young man called Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away. He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies dept and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time .
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers. Good old Ron sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:
Dear Sasha,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady i bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean.In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time , as no doubt many other hands will touch them before i have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love
Ron..
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing
Mattman (no login) 84.9.234.185
How Many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?
December 2 2007, 5:53 PM
pilfered from various other forums:
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 to hijack the thread and ask how to change the horn
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says,
'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you...
she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.'
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out,
'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her
Seb (no login) 63.85.75.253
Re: The official BOO joke thread
January 15 2008, 1:13 PM
SAS selection
An Englishman, Jock and Irishman have just passed SAS Selection training in Breacon.
The O/C approaches them and says......well done there chaps just one last thing to prove your metal and continuation of training you will have to carry out the following task.
He approaches the Englishman and whispers 'right here's an SLR with a fully charged magazine now go into the house round the corner your wife and kids are there...go and put a bullet through their heads'
The Englishman immediately refuses and is sent to the Platform.
The same question is asked to the Jock...he swigs a bottle of bells mulls it over and cries 'I just cannee do that!!!'
When he approaches paddy he immediately accepts and charges off to the house....the O/C looks on.
A few moment passes before all you can here is screaming. The O/C immediately runs into the house to find Paddy stabbing his wife and kids with a knife.
O/C 'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING??'
Paddy replies 'SOME B*STARD CHARGED MY MAGAZINE WITH BLANKS!!!'
A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No,we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No,we haven't got any ****ing bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No,are you deaf?! We haven't got any f**king bread,ask me again and I'll nail your f**king beak to the bar you irritating b**tard of a f**king bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?
Remember, a dog is not just for Christmas. With any luck there'll be enough left for sandwiches on Boxing Day too!
"Doctor said to give up Keee-Babs. I said 'No, no-no'" My Members Page
A middle aged woman is in court for shoplifting."What did you steal" asked the judge,"A tin of peaches" replied the woman. "How many peaches were in the can" asked the judge."six" replied the woman."In that case I will give you six weeks in jail" said the judge. The husband, Who was sat near the front, stood up and said "Your Honour, She took a large tin of peas as well"
A state trooper pulls a car over for speeding. In the car is an old lady who is hard of hearing and her husband.
When the trooper asks the lady for her driver's license the lady responds, "Heh, what did he say?"
The old man speaks up as he says, "HE NEEDS YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE."
A few minutes later the trooper comes back to the car and says, "Ma'am I see you're from Florida."
The old lady comments, "Heh, what did he say?"
The old man speaks up as he says, "HE SEES YOU'RE FROM FLORIDA.'" The old lady nods her head, "Yup."
The trooper mutters, "Boy, one time, I got the worst piece of ass I ever had in Florida."
The old lady replies, "Heh, what did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!"
In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.
'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just Answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew shewas in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued...
It has been reported that an employee for Ansett Australia (Airlines), who happened to have the last name of Gay, got on a plane recently using the company's 'Free Flight' offer for staff. However, when Mr Gay tried to take his seat, he found it being occupied by a fare paying passenger. So, not to make a fuss, he simply chose another seat.
Unknown to Mr Gay, another Ansett flight at the airport experienced mechanical problems. The passengers of this flight were being re-routed to various other airplanies. A few were put on Mr Gay's flight and anyone who was holding a 'free' ticket was being 'bumped'. Ansett officials, armed with a list of these 'freebee' ticket holders boarded the plane, as is the practise, to remove them in favour of fare paying passengers.
Of course, our Mr Gay was not sitting in his assigned seat as you may remember, so when the Ticket Agent approached the seat where Mr Gay was supposed to be sitting, she asked a startled customer "Are you Gay?". The man, shyly nodded that he was, at which point she demanded "Then you have to get off the plane." Mr Gay, overhearing what the agent has said, tried to clear up the situation:
"You've got the wrong man, I'm Gay!".
This caused an angry third passenger to yell
"Hell, I'm gay too! They can't kick us all off!".
Confusion reigned as more and more passengers began yelling that Ansett had no right to remove gays from their flights. It is reported that Ansett have refused to comment on the incident.
53,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a "Geordies Are Not Stupid"
convention.
Alan Shearer addresses the crowd "We are all here today to prove to the
world that Geordies are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please ?"
Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
Shearer asks him "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says,"Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.
Then the Geordies start chanting "Give him another chance! Give him
another chance!"
Shearer says "Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and
global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance.
So he asks "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds Gazza eventually says,"Ninety?"
Shearer looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is
disheartened and Gazza starts crying.
But then the 53,000 Geordies begin to yell and wave their hands shouting
"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
Shearer, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good Eventually says,
" What is 2 plus 2?"
Silence hangs over the stadium. Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole
minute eventually says, "Four?"
Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordie
>crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and
scream .............
"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. Many of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, 'Hello, sir. Can you please tell me why you're here to see the doctor today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick,' he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The receptionist replied, 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.'
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
This message has been edited by keviwal from IP address 81.105.54.232 on Mar 18, 2008 12:25 AM
seb (no login) 63.85.75.253
Re: The official BOO joke thread
March 18 2008, 11:30 AM
Whats the difference between your mum and a pile of dead babies...
your mum isnt in my garage
-------------------
how do you stop a baby crawling in circle...
nail its other hand to the floor
--------------------
how do you stop a baby from drowning....
take your foot off its head
--------------------
A woman was at home ironing her husbands shirts, when there was a knock at the door.
When she opened it a man was standing there and he asked "Do you have a vagina?" Shocked, she slammed the door in his face.
Later the same morning there was another knock at the door,
she opened it and the same man was there, again, he asked, "Do you have a vagina?"
She was so upset that she phoned her husband at work. When he heard her story he became so angry that he decided to return home immediately .
Later that evening there was a knock at the door. The husband said quietly to his wife "I'll hide behind the door, if it's the same guy, answer 'yes' to his question, because I want to find out what he's really up to.
She opened the door...Sure enough the same guy is stood there,
again he asked her "Do you have a Vagina?
"Yes" the woman replied.
"Good,...in that case, tell that c**t of a husband of your,s to start using it and tell him to leave my wife's alone... Otherwise I'll rip his f**ing balls off"
----------------------------
An airline pilot is halfway across the atlantic ocean when all four engines cut out, he and the co-pilot try everything they know to re-start the engines without result. Knowing that at best they can only glide without power for half an hour before crashing into the sea, he calls the senior air stewardess into the cockpit and explains the situation and the fact they will all probably die.
The stewardess is totally distraught and announces to the surprise of both pilots. "I can't die, I am still a virgin, I will never know what was like, to feel like a real woman!"The pilot said. "I can help you with that."
With that the pilot undid his seat straps, stood up, tore off his shirt and said. "Iron that, and then make me a coffee."
----------------------------
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at my bank. There was only one lady at the window, (an Asian lady) who was trying to exchange Yen for Dollars. She was a little irritated, she asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady replies, "Fluc you white people too!"
seb (no login) 63.85.75.253
Re: The official BOO joke thread
March 18 2008, 11:39 AM
This morning, on the way to the Preston Market, I rear-ended a little Hyundai Getz sedan at the lights at the corner of Bell Street.
The chap who was driving the Getz got out ... and he was a dwarf!!!! And he was angry !!!!!!!!!
"I'll have you know ," he said, drawing himself up to his full 2ft 11in., "I'm not happy........"
"OK," I said, "Which one are you then?"
seb (no login) 63.85.75.253
Re: The official BOO joke thread
March 18 2008, 11:40 AM
what happened to all jokes stay on for one week eh? eh? EH? xx
seb (no login) 63.85.75.253
Re: The official BOO joke thread
March 25 2008, 5:33 PM
father and daughter
One day a father takes his young daughter to the doctors because she keeps being sick in the morning.
After the doctor has looked at the mans daughter he leads the father into a back room and says.
I think your daughter is pregnant is she sexually active
father replys, no she just lies there like a sack of **** like her mother !!!!!!!!
axle (no login) 90.202.145.118
Re: The official BOO joke thread
March 27 2008, 4:00 PM
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel
schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on
Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband
checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided
to send an email to his wife. However, he left out one letter in her
email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives
and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and
saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2007
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now
and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has
been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful
as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
stephen01 (Login stephendrake01) BOO Member 82.45.65.200
Re: The official BOO joke thread
March 31 2008, 9:16 PM
A gay chap, looking for lawful employment, notices a sign outside a garage
'MECHANIC WANTED'
He minces into the office and says to the governor, "I'm the mechanic you're looking for!"
The governor, an homophobic from way back, takes one look at him and seriously doubts his suitability.
"This isn't an hairdresser's, Doris. You'll get your nails dirty here."
"One! My name isn't Doris, it's Lional. Two! I've yet to meet my match around a combustion engine's big end, or cam-shaft. Why I can even tell the make and model of a car by the feel of its ignition key introduced into my arse!" He says defiantly.
This, the governor's got to see.
"Okay, drop your pants and bend," he says.
Lionel duly obliges and the governor selects a key from a panel behind his desk. Gingerly, he inserts it in Lional's nether-region.
"Easy," says Lionel, "Ford Mondeo."
Sure enough, the key was for a Ford Mondeo, but still the governor isn't convinced.
"You saw me take it from the panel," he said.
"I did not!" says Lionel indignantly.
"Okay, put your hands over your eyes, we'll try again."
Lionel does as he is told and the governor takes another key from the panel.
"Vauxhall Victor!" screams Lionel triumphantly.
Sure enough, the key was for a Vauxhall Victor. Looks like the governor is going to have to hire him or face the law courts for discriminating. But all is not lost, he devises a opt-out.
"One more," he says, "get it right and the job's your's." Instead of an ignition key, the governor palms a spark-plug and works that into Lionel's rear end.
"Oooooh," croons Lionel, "you've stumped me there, but that's Champion."
FARM KID
(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wo nder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
'What are you doing?' she asked.
'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.
' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.
'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.
'Love dress? But you're naked!'
'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained.
'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'
The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home.. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
' What are you doing?' he asked.
'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.
'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?
Rob Mk.2 Marea Weekend 1.8 16v 115 ELX - Bigger IS better !
Mon: Stayed in
Tue: Stayed in
Wed: Stayed in
Thu: Stayed in
Fri: Stayed in
Sat: Stayed in
Sun: Stayed in but i got a shag...
If heaven is a place on earth why is it such a hell of a place to live.
Alex (no login) 81.149.54.145
Re: The official BOO joke thread
May 7 2008, 3:53 PM
The Italian Virgin
Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous.
But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairylegs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."
So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."
Anonymous (no login) 90.202.145.221
Re: The official BOO joke thread
May 20 2008, 9:49 PM
The Wongs
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a
Caucasian baby boy. 'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the
new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's
don't make a white, so I think we will name him..
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
P.S. Bull and Pisa Schitt have given birth to a little bruiser son, Tuff.
NOTE: PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO ANYONE WHO NEEDS A LAUGH. REMEMBER: LAUGHING LOWERS THE BLOOD PRESSURE
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura,
Kate and Sarah .
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other
as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even
though it's only for £32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they
want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite
foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Rob Mk.2 Marea Weekend 1.8 16v 115 ELX - Bigger IS better !
Von (no login) 86.29.230.45
The official BOO joke thread
June 9 2008, 3:06 PM
Tony the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young laying hens (pullets) and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs.
Tony kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Tony could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
Farmer Tony's favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Tony noticed old Gordon's bell hadn't rung at all!
Tony went to investigate. All the other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to farmer Tony's amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do the business and walk on to the next one.
Tony was so proud of Gordon, he entered him in the West Berks County Fair and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Peace Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Do you know a Pullitician called Gordon?
axle (no login) 90.202.145.238
Re: The official BOO joke thread
June 14 2008, 10:01 AM
Jack rang his boss one morning."Sorry boss", he said,"I can't come in to work this morning, My Head aches, got pains in my stomach, I feel terrible, even my leg hurts"."Well" replied the boss,"I really need you today, We have a big order needs sorting out" Sorry boss but I really don't feel up to it". "what I do when I feel like that Is to tell my wife I need "special attention" If you get my meaning,(nudge ,nudge, wink, wink)"the boss said,"it seems to work for me". "ok Said Jack, I'll give it a go". An hour later he rings the boss again. "Great boss",he said, "done the trick,I'll be in in 20 minutes. By the way,You have a nice house"
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.' 'Sure,' they said, 'you’re welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?' 'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.
'You're joking!' was the response.
'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'
'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her...... He's naked, too!!! He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'
'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'
'Can you do two for me now?'
'Sure, what do you want?'
'First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.'
'Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his d*ck off to teach him a lesson.'
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.
'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.....'
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!" The woman continues, "And look at this, Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.... "
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, can be evil bitches. Don't mess with them!
Rob Mk.2 Marea Weekend 1.8 16v 115 ELX - Bigger IS better !
Proof if ever was needed of the intellectual superiority of us southerners
The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in
Swindon, Wiltshire. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water
tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon,
and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow
Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (eg the abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains
the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels:
A,E,I,O and U
Q. What is the fibula
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure
A. A Roman Emperor
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like
umbrellas
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its
meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Q. What is a turbine
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
Rob Mk.2 Marea Weekend 1.8 16v 115 ELX - Bigger IS better !
A few minutes before the church services started, the
> congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
> Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
>
>
>
> Everyone started screaming and running for the front
> entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get
> away from evil incarnate.
>
>
> Soon the church was empty except for one elderly
> gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving,
> seemingly oblivious
> to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his
> presence.
>
>
>
> So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know
> who I am?'
>
>
> The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
>
>
> 'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
>
>
> 'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
>
>
> 'Don't you realize I can kill you with one
> word?' asked Satan.
>
>
> 'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old
> man, in an even tone.
>
>
> 'Did you know that I can cause you profound,
> horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
>
>
> 'Yep,' was the calm reply.
>
>
> 'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
>
>
> ' Nope,' said the old man.
>
>
> More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why
> aren't you
> afraid of me?'
>
>
> The man calmly replied,
>
>
> 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me? Your Honor, I think I need adifferent attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? ________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. ________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? ________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! _____________________________________________
