At what age would you allow your son/daughter to keep condoms?
Would you insist on them buying them or would you buy them?
If you knew your son/daughter was going to have or having sex would you allow it in your house? If so, at what age?
Do you think it is possible to keep kids from having sex if that's what they want to do?
At what age did you lose your virginity?
Is virginity important? Why do you think it is/isn't?
Are kids becoming active younger because of all the media about it?
Wow,I feel like I'm getting the third degree here!
These are hard questions to answer because so much depends on the kid's personality and circumstances but with that qualification here goes-
At what age would you allow your son/daughter to keep condoms? = Once a kid starts driving- 16 in most places, kids consider themselves grown and you have virtually no control over where they go or what they do. So if they want condoms- better they have them so they can do it safely.
Would you insist on them buying them or would you buy them? = Don't see how that matters. I know a lot of people will say either way- you are "encouraging/endorsing" sex- but see above.
If you knew your son/daughter was going to have or having sex would you allow it in your house? If so, at what age? = I wouldn't make it that easy for them- but with both parents working these days kids have no problem finding a empty house in the afternoons. In my case my wife was home but by their teens the kids were usually away with friends in the afternoons.
Do you think it is possible to keep kids from having sex if that's what they want to do? = Not unless you keep them locked up 24hrs/day. The best you can do is make sure they know the risks and use protection.
At what age did you lose your virginity? = 18 and I was late- but I was a nerdy kid.
Is virginity important? Why do you think it is/isn't? = It's a nice thought but it's disease and pregnancy prevention that really matters.
Are kids becoming active younger because of all the media about it? = Teens were having sex long before it was in media. What their peers are doing is what really influences them.
Well not uncomfortable as much as it's just difficult to give simple pat answers to complex questions when so much depends on unforeseeable circumstances. I remember when I was a young married I had "all the answers" about raising kids- only to find out they didn't work in real life and how little control a parent really has when kids become teens and develop their own social life. The more you try to control them the more rebellious they get- especially since most of the time they are away at school or out with friends where you have no control at all. But they never got into any serious trouble and all turned out to be successful well adjusted adults.
At what age would you allow your son/daughter to keep condoms?
I would hope that it wouldn't be before they turn 16. Kids today are encouraged to grow up way too soon. I say, let them be a kid, preferably until they graduate from high school. Being an adult is not all it is cracked up to be, so I think it is better to be a kid while they can.
Would you insist on them buying them or would you buy them?
I don't think I would buy condoms for my children. I think if they are resposible enough for sex they should be able to select their own condoms.
If you knew your son/daughter was going to have or having sex would you allow it in your house? If so, at what age?
Nope, sorry. I would not knowingly have my teen sons having sex under my roof. They have to find another place to do that. I don't want anyone to think I am condoning such activity.
Do you think it is possible to keep kids from having sex if that's what they want to do?
Kids will figure out a way if they really want to do it. Kids back when I was young just brought a blanket and did it in a nearby woods/field. See next response.
At what age did you lose your virginity?
I was 19, and I thought I was the last person in my generation to do it. I didn't even care about the girl. It was just an opportunity to get past the viginity thing, and it wasn't a great experience. I would recommend to anyone that they save their virginity for someone they care about and want to be intimate with. I think I waited so long to first have sex because, 1) I was a painfully-shy and awkward teen, and 2) My parents did a good job of convincing me that I would RUIN MY LIFE by getting a veneral disease and/or getting a girl pregnant and having to abandon my life plans to support a child. If your kid is someone like me, then this tactic might work in delaying their first sexual experience.
Is virginity important? Why do you think it is/isn't?
I think it is important, but not for moral, good/bad reasons. I just think that having sex marks a change, leaving childhood behind and entering a more adult world. As I already mentioned, that happens soon enough without pushing to do it at an early age.
Are kids becoming active younger because of all the media about it?
I this so, yes. I think various media, and role models in entertainment industries, all promote sexuality at earlier and earlier ages. Nobody wants to feel left behind or nerdy, so they might think they need to have sex because "everyone is doing it." Truth is, everyone is not doing it, but the ones who aren't take a lot of grief for their decision to wait.
Note: I am the father of boys. I would not be surprised if my views were even more conservative if I had daughters.
Years ago, I heard that saving one's virginity until they are adult was a growing trend among young people. I don't know how prevalent that is or if it might be limited to those with strongly-held religious beliefs. I think there is a segment of youth who either want to save that part of themselves for someone special and/or who believe sex for sex-sake is over-rated and not the exciting experience some imagine.
For all I know, a lot of kids might just be pleasuring themselves rather than with a partner . . the ultimate safe sex. Actually, I know a number of ladies in their 30's, 40's and later who admit to masturbating to relieve sexual tension and to do so without rushing into an ill-advised relationship. Certainly there is much greater access to images on the internet compared to the pre-computer days. I cannot imagine my parents' generation talking about that, but people my age and younger (actually, the women admit it more than the men I know) don't seem to think it is a big deal.
I appreciate your input Bob and Nat. Thanks for taking time to respond.
My son is younger than your recommendations and unfortunately no longer a virgin. I am at a bit of a loss as I don't want to give my blessing (I think he is seriously to young) - but I don't want him unprotected either. I sure am not ready for grandkids and he is a long way from being ready to be a father (which we have discussed.) But I also know that once I lost mine I wasnt going to stop, and this girl is close enough to be accessible. I spoke with her mom and she has put her daughter on birth control, and pretty much feels this is just a natural part of kids growing up. And I know it is. Just happening sooner than I thought. Looks like a trip to Walgreens.
I realize I could blister his butt - but I doubt that would stop it - and might make it worse. I am still toiling with whether its better for them to have a safe place (ie home) or have them out and about. Nobody told me thered be days like these.
Sure thing Jay. Well raising kids is certainly and interesting adventure. When my kids were little I wished they were big so we could have intelligent conversations and go places and do things together- then when they got big I wished they were little again!
In any case, I hope you will stick around, this forum needs more regular posters. As the name says we talk about everything under the sun here- and some that are over it.
and there certainly isn't just one way to go about it. Some parents are super strict, and that seems to work for them. Some are lenient and understanding, and that can work too. As everyone says, kids are individuals, and what works best for one doesn't always work with others.
One thing I would tell new parents is that it is best to be strict early on, and when the kids get to be teens you have them trained to an extent and you can lighten up. I've seen parents be lenient with their young children and the kid grows up thinking they can do whatever they want and don't have to respect authority. I think those parents aren't doing the kid or society any favors. Kids need limits, and consequences. That said, since the idea is to rear a responsible adult who can stand on their own feet, parents need to let teens increasingly make decisions and figure out what works and what doesn't. A child that grows up always heeding their parents' instructions is ill-prepared to make the decisions every adult should be able to make.
(By the way, I tended to be more of a strict parent, but my sons were just 9 and 6 when my ex and I divorced. I wasn't in the family home anymore, and if I tried to parent them too much during times they were with me, I got a lot of flack from family members who'd say, "They are only with you every other weekend. Don't make them do chores with you. Take them out to eat, to movies, to have fun with them." My ex didn't trust anyone to do work around the house (not even me), so my sons didn't learn to contribute as much to the household work as I would have liked. Even now, my sons are not too interested in cleaning, cooking or anything that takes much effort. That is certainly not the way I was raised . . but then my parents were married until the day my father died. My Dad was the preverbial king-of-the-castle", and us kids did what he told us to do. It was a different time.).
Definitely not easy. But I can't complain that much. He has had his fair share of spankings and I was pretty strict. He cleans his room (most of the time), he helps out with the yard and the pool. He makes decent grades. I guess I should have seen it coming - he never had a time when he thought girls were "yucky" - he has always been interested. I guess I just thought he would at least make it to high school.
I told him I would take him to the store, but he had to buy them, and with his money. (Although I figure I will buy a box later and keep them around, I dont want him to broke to be safe.) Next uncomfortable step - making sure he knows how to use them. Suggestions? If it was summer I would do it after a swim, but dont have that luxury unfortunately. Maybe just before bed. Grrr... Ever have those moments when every choice seems bad for one reason or another?
I know that one popular way to demonstrate application of condoms is to put them over a banana. I would think that if you checked youtube there would be a video demonstrating the technique. That would be my approach . . "Watch this, and then if you have any questions, come ask me."
It amazes me all the things you can find on youtube.
Big trip to the store last night. It was a nerve-wracking for both of us I think, but mission accomplished. Banana strategy worked well - though a little embarrassing (again for both of us) - but based on everything I'm sure he knows how to use them.
Wow - welcome to the new world.
Between us I was worried when I found out and more worried when I realized he hadn't worn anything the first few times. Relieved when I found out the girl was on the pill - although that doesn't prevent disease obviously. But from what her mother says they were each others first - she was on the pill already for other reasons. So - and i feel very irresponsible as a parent for feeling this way, but - I am kind of glad his first time was "old fashioned" - he will have to live most of the rest of his life having to think about that and protect himself. Definitely not ready for a kid...or disease - but being pretty much able to take both out of the mix, I guess that's the way I would have wanted it - just wish it had been a few years down the road.
Thank you all for your help and support! I will try to talk about something else now.
Good to hear things have worked out alright, Jay. And it's good that apparently the girl's mother has been understanding and civil about it.
As for the Banana embarrassment, I can't help feeling that if we handled sexual matters with more candor and less embarrassment it would be better for everyone. Right-wing conservatives have this delusion that if we don't talk about sex kids wont do it. But kids will still do it- but they will do it ignorantly.
Have definitely learned that lesson. I am very glad that we talk and that I even know this is going on. As awkward as this has been - would be worse if he was out there unprotected. I am still debating the "sex at home" thing. Part of me says its safer. Part of me says its irresponsible. Grr. I will say she is cute - he has good taste. And then I think "What would I say after they came out of his room???"
I understand what you're saying Jay. I'm conflicted too when it comes to how cooperative parents should be.
You want to be understanding and tolerant and yet not go so far as to appear to endorse and encourage it.
Thats why I draw the line at providing the house for their activity. That's just making it too easy for them!
At what age would you allow your son/daughter to keep condoms?
As soon as he can fit them. I saw this thing about condoms for kids in europe. Good idea, especially these days!
Would you insist on them buying them or would you buy them?
I would buy them I guess. Either way.
If you knew your son/daughter was going to have or having sex would you allow it in your house? If so, at what age?
Not sure - I guess it would depend on who they were with and how their parents felt about it. But I wish I'd started earlier than I did. I guess generally i'd rather have my kids in the house instead of in the back of some car or out where they could get caught or worse. Plus, I figure they are more likely to use condoms if they are home. To much bother if your in a car or outside somewhere (trust me on that one.)
Do you think it is possible to keep kids from having sex if that's what they want to do?
Nope.
At what age did you lose your virginity? 15 but I got interested about 11 - if I could have I would have lost it sooner.
Is virginity important? Why do you think it is/isn't?
Not really. Safety is important. Hopefully, it's going to happen sooner or later - my vote is sooner. Obviously, disease and pregnancy are huge issues - but I'm not that worried about virginity.
Are kids becoming active younger because of all the media about it?
Hard to say - probably. But wasn't Juliet like 14 and they were calling her an "old maid"? So I really think once the hormones kick in, stuff starts happening. Theres a lot of history on this lol.
I read the thread and think you handled it WAY COOL! Wish you had been my dad. I especially hear ya about being glad his first time was "old fashioned" - so was mine - in fact it was a while before I ever used a condom. Kids! But nothing like first feeling. OMG! We may learn how to last longer, but that first time getting it wet - awesome!
What was the trip to buy them like? You dont say how old he is but based on everything I'm guessing young enough that the person selling them would notice. How did all that go down? Wish I could have been there for that lol. I've seen some pretty young dudes buying them. Yea - I'm envious lol.
Glad to hear your views, John. I hope you will stick around and participate in our other discussions.
We talk about a lot of interesting things here but need more regular posters to keep the forum going.
Well don't wait for something interesting to come along- start a new topic anytime.
We are always looking for new things to talk about!
We barely have enough people here to keep this forum going so new blood is much welcomed.
I guess it's time for me to put them in a little more obvious location. Yikes! (Definitely not ready!)
But to answer the questions:
I guess I would allow them as soon as I thought it was a possibility they were going to have sex. (Apparently, that's now.)
I wouldn't insist on them buying them, but I would strongly encourage it. (I think I would follow this dad's lead and take them. I do think if you are old enough to have sex, you should be mature enough to buy protection - but I'd rather they have them than not either way.)
In the house - that's a tough one. I guess I would - but only if the girls (or guys)parents knew what was going on. I do think it is especially dangerous to be out and about. I dont know how I would handle this one yet. (I guess I better figure that out!)
No one kept me from having sex. I think its possible to educate them. Not sure you can "stop" them.
I think LOSING your virginity is important. Im not sure that virginity is. I lost mine early. I don't regret it. But I have heard a lot of horror stories. I think how it happens has a lot to do with your mindset later. A good experience doesnt mean everything will always be great, but a bad experience sure can mess you up. In the end, most people are going to have sex. I would want it to be with someone they care about - and when they know what they are doing. I got one out of two lol. No idea what I was doing!
It feels like they are, but i know a lot of history that says once the hormones kick in theres someone doing it. I know there have been incidents locally. Some younger than my two. I know mine "experiment" and Im pretty sure neither of them has lost their virginity. Both of them have had their first kiss. And my oldest has a couple of friends who spend the nite, but from what I understand its pretty normal exploring. I did with a couple of my friends.
So I guess heres a related question: is oral sex "sex"?
"is oral sex "sex"?" Ah, the Bill Clinton Monica Lewinsky question. I suppose that depends on what your definition of "sex" is. If it's that sex is an act to procreation than no- you can't get pregnant from oral sex. On the other hand you can get pregnant from artificial insemination with no physical contact at all so who knows anything these days.
Pretty personal questions. Don't expect a straight answer. Both of our children are grown. The oldest moved as far away as possible, the other will be getting married this summer and will be moving just as far in the other direction. They're both in their twenties.
I didn't marry until I was past 30. But where I'm from, getting married in your teens is, or was, common. That's what has changed more than anything over the years. People get married later, if they marry at all. There have been times when people were less likely to marry than now for a variety of reasons. One reason was because they didn't want children. I believe there is more pressure to marry these days but also to marry later. Funny, isn't it?
I don't think virginity is so important unless you're plannning on becoming a religious and entering a community. That's not so common anymore, however. Otherwise, we tend to make rather too much of it, I think. But apparently it still generates a lot of interest.
