REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known. ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
...placemats -- they only show up when there's food on the table.
...mascara -- they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
...bike helmets --they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.
...copiers -- you need them in reproduction but that's about it.
...lava lamps -- fun to look at it but not all that bright.
...bank accounts -- without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
...high heels --they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
...mini skirts --if your not careful they'll creep up your legs.
...handguns -- keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.
¿ßÀYÆN (no login)
Re: ¦A¨Ó¬B½ì
January 17 2004, 10:31 AM
¥@¶¡¤W³Ì¬rªº¬O¬Æ»ò? ¬Ý§¹¦Û¦³µª®×...
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. He wanted to continue living in their downtown luxury apartment with his new lover so he asked his wife to move out and get another place.
His wife agreed to this, provided that he would give her 3 days alone at the apartment to pack up her things.
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the half-eaten shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly the apartment began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive carpet.
Finally, they could not take it any longer and decided to move.
They could not find a buyer for their stinky apartment so they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home ..including the curtain rods.
60 F above zero:
Floridians turn on the heat.
People in Canada plant gardens.
50 F above zero:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Canada sunbathe.
40 F above zero:
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Canada drive with the windows down.
32 F above zero:
Distilled water freezes.
Ends swimming season in Canada.
20 F above zero:
Floridians put on coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
People in Canada throw on a flannel shirt.
15 F above zero:
NC landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Canada have the last cookout before it gets cold.
Zero F :
People in Miami all die.
People in Canada close the windows.
10 F below zero:
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Canada get out their winter coats.
25 F below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Canada are selling cookies door to door.
40 F below zero:
Washington, DC runs out of hot air.
People in Canada let the dogs sleep indoors.
100 F below zero:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians get frustrated because they can't start the pickup truck on the first try.
460 F below zero:
ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale).
Canada public schools may close.
500 F below zero:
Hell freezes over.
People in Canada start saying..."Cold 'nuff fer ya?"
¿ßÀYÆN (no login)
Re: ¦A¨Ó¬B½ì
February 17 2004, 12:21 PM
TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your maths on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?
JOHN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!
*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!
*-*-*-*-*
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
*-*-*-*-*-*
Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Johnny : "Because George still had the axe in his hand."
*-*-*-*-*-*
Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
*-*-*-*-*-*
Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Pupil : A teacher.
***************
And that, my friends, is why I never become a teacher.
¿ßÀYÆN (no login)
WHAT A DIFFERENCE 30 YEARS MAKES
February 23 2004, 1:04 PM
1972: Long hair
2002: Longing for hair
1972: The perfect high
2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund
1972: Acid rock
2002: Acid reflux
1972: Moving to California because it's cool
2002: Moving to California because it's warm
1972: Growing pot
2002: Growing pot belly
1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step. If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you.
