DHP <over intercom>: Okay, we're going to have a little villain round-table up here to see whether or not we should let you suffer for a few more hours or just end your lives ASAP. Don't go anywhere.
NNIRK <over intercom, distant>: So what did you guys want?
LANCE <over intercom, distant>: I was thinking Italian.
DHP <over intercom, distant>: But I just had Italian for lunch!
LANCE <over intercom, distant>: Watch me not care.
[*CLICK*]
[VIPER turns around in his seat.]
VIPER: BRING ME BACK A CANNOLI OR SOMETHING, COULD YA?
ALAIR: What kind of person would willingly call himself a villain?
ONIKO: A poorly-written one.
[A brick bounces off his head.]
ONIKO: Goody, more head trauma.
MAX: So what now?
SHERL: I guess we wait.
[ALL sit patiently for a few minutes, growing increasingly bored. Eventually VIPER turns around, lifts up the back of the seat and hops in, closing it behind him.]
ALAIR: ...what are you doing?
VIPER <muffled>: Looking for treasure. People drop neat stuff in the seat cushions all the time, don'cha know. Hey, someone pass me a flashlight or someth- oh, never mind.
[A quiet click is heard, and the seat cover begins glowing.
VIPER <muffled>: See, when I was but a wee lad, I used to go couch spelunking all the time. Scared mom and pop real good one time when I disappeared into an Ottoman and didn't come out for three days. Heh. Ooh, what's this?
[The seat swings open and a remote control flies out, landing in SHERL's lap. The light goes out and VIPER leaps out of the seat with a perfect three-point landing.]
BRANDT: ...you think it works?
SHERL: Only one way to find out.
[SHERL points the remote at the screen and presses a button.]
---
[SCENE: A dingy brown room, illuminated by a single light bulb hanging from the ceiling. The RANGER of Quake fame sits at a brown desk, smoking a cigarette. He stubs it out and looks wearily at the camera.]
RANGER: I knew the graphics in this series were completely out of control and that something was wrong, seven years ago. I was at Slipgate Central. Normally in Slipgate Central, everything's brown, the sky is brown, foggy brown, dark brown, light brown, every day it just gets browner and browner and browner. You wake up one day and you go, "I'm not going on duty." Your CO goes, "Why not, you get shot?" "No, it's too brown! I dunno if it's dawn or dusk! I don't even know why the sun bothers to come out!"
And then you wake up, and it's the brownest day you've ever seen. And the next day, it's even browner! And that's usually the day when you look at your axe and go, "Hey, maybe I should cut my hand off, to see color."
But in that day in Slipgate Central... in four days I experienced five climates. Rainy castles, underground lakes, abandoned warehouses, frick'n lava caves! On the last day, there was a military base, Quake's soldiers, and some giant spiny thing... together! And I hadn't done drugs! Because when you step through a slipgate and you hear rumbling, and you go to look, you have an expectation. And it's not fat, chainsaw-wielding guys with some elder god behind them. That's... not... right! They don't even write about that kind of shit in the Bible! And I imagine if a prophet had seen that kind of thing, after he wiped the poop out of his pants he'd have told us about it!
[He massages his temples with one gloved hand and continues.]
RANGER: I was supposed to be on duty next week and I said I'm taking leave, I'm scared to death. 'Cause I know what the next thing's gonna be: Stroggos. And there will come a time, mark my words, when there will be a season of just great big Icaruses that fall from the sky. Oh yeah, look at me like I'm nuts, you'll see Willard Scott... Willard Scott... he smiles so much I don't think he has a central nervous system. Willard Scott will be standing in front of the Big Gun dressed in an Imp suit, and Flyers will be bouncing off his head. And he'll be going, "Flying heads, flying heads, what can I say? Back to you."
---
ONIKO: Ooh, "The Daily Show With Flynn Taggart." I saw their expose on the affair between Hunter and Deimos. Good stuff.
SHERL: Let's see what else is on...
[*CLICK*]
---
[SCENE: Inside an empty club in Southtown. BILLY KANE and his band are finishing up one of their sets as GEESE HOWARD, dressed in a well-tailored buisness suit - he doesn't wear that kimono and hakama *all* the time, you know - walks in. Seeing him enter, BILLY nods to him.]
BILLY: 'Ey, boss! I'll be with you in a few. [to his bandmates] I'll see you blokes later, eh?
[GEESE walks towards the stage, impassively looking around the club. BILLY's bandmates give him a wide berth as he strolls past, knowing full well what he is capable of. Eventually his gaze falls on a guitar placed on a metal stand, still plugged into a speaker. This does not go unnoticed by BILLY.]
BILLY: Ey, boss, uh... you play?
GEESE: ...of course not, why would I?
BILLY: Well, you was lookin' at it like... 'ey, my bad. [turns and heads for a side door labeled "EMPLOYEES ONLY"] I won't be long, boss.
[BILLY enters and shuts the door, leaving GEESE alone in the club. He looks at the guitar, then at the door, then back at the guitar. He picks it up, accidentally plucking one of the strings in the process. Wincing slightly at the sudden noise, he quickly puts his hand over the string to mute the noise, then reaches over and turns down the volume on the speaker. Glancing over to the side door, he lifts the guitar and begins to play... rather well, interestingly enough. Satisfied with his skills, he begins to sing...]
GEESE:
PREDICTABLE!
I was in my office when Terry kicked down the door
He was screaming, "GEEEEESE!"
And I said, "PREDICTABLE!"
Then that Shiranui bimbo appears out of nowhere and she's all,
"Shiranui Mai, mairimasu!"
And I said, "PREDICTABLE!"
So later I'm at the bar
And Billy Kane shows up
And he says, "Hey hey hey!"
And I said, "PREDICTABLE!"
Cause this is my Southtown of Predictability!
And this is my Southtown of Predictability!
And this is my Southtown of Predictability!
Then I'm leaving my office at 6 P.M
And I'm walking to my limo wearing my hakama
Kim Kaphwan walks up and he shouts, "You evil cannot be forgiven!"
And I say, "PREDICTABLE!"
Then I'm managing a business deal
And Officer Hon-Fu jumps out and screams,
"Geese Howard! You're under arrest for-"
And I say "PREDICTABLE!"
And then I meant Krauser.
I said, "Evening, Krauser. Anything new?"
He says, "Nope."
And I said, "alright..."
Cause this is my Southtown of Predictability!
And this is my Southtown of Predictability!
[Arching an eyebrow, GEESE allows himself a small smile at his skill... until someone behind him begins applauding. Spooked, GEESE hurries to put the guitar back on it's holder, nearly dropping it in the process. Quickly recollecting himself, he angrily points to a grinning BILLY.]
GEESE: You didn't see that.
---
ALAIR: Great, now that tune's going to be stuck in my head for the rest of the week.
[*CLICK*]
---
[SCENE: An orange curtain, covered in glitter, sparkles, and other shiny stuff. A man in a blue tuxedo (also covered in glitter, sparkles, and other shiny stuff) is standing in front of it, grinning widely, his hair slicked back with enough grease to lube up every porn star on the west coast... twice. His smile is even greasier, if you can imagine it. Bouncy 50's infomercial music begins, and continues throughought.]
ANNOUNCER MAN: Say friends! Has THIS ever happened to YOU?
[The scene changes to a GUY in an apartment, watching wrestling. HULK HOGAN comes onto his TV.]
HOGAN: So wha'cha gonna do, brutha, when Hulkamania runs wild on YOU??
[The GUY blinks, and a look of pure terror crosses his face.]
GUY: I... I don't know... what am I going todo? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO??
[The GUY leaps out of a nearby window, screaming insanely. The screaming stops a few seconds later as he hits the pavement with a wet "thud." Cut back to the ANNOUNCER MAN from before.]
ANNOUNCER MAN: Yes, Hulkamania could run wild on you at any time, and without warning, and sadly, most people are unprepared! But we at SysCorpComTech have YOUR best interests in mind!
[He points to you as he says this, still grinning. He holds this pose for a good five seconds before lowering his arm and continuing.]
ANNOUNCER MAN: That is why we have developed the Hulkamania Preparation Kit!
[He steps to the side as the curtain pulls back and the camera zooms in, revealing a metal briefcase sitting on top of a pedestal. The briefcase is adorned with a crossed-out picture of Hulk Hogan's face.]
ANNOUNCER MAN <v.o.>: It contains all the things you need to prepare yourself for those times when Hulkamania comes a-calling! Inside you'll find the following items:
[A text crawl scrolls up from the bottom of the screen as he lists the items.]
Duct tape
Mentos
A vial of Denis Leary's blood
Fifty yards of yarn
A bronze statue of a monkey's head
A 128-ounce container of Tang
Rey Mysterio
A microwave burrito
A pink fuzzy steering wheel cover
The complete cinematic works of Ron Jeremy on Beta cassettes
Powdered lark vomit...
[Cut to downtown Tokyo. Or any big city, for that matter. ANNOUNCER MAN is standing in the middle of the (oddly empty) street, still grinning like an idiot.]
ANNOUNCER MAN: ...and Mecha Geese Howard!
[A fifty-foot tall metal replica of the Ratio-6 SNK boss steps out from behind one of the buildings. A Generic Gundam runs toward MGH, brandishing a beam sword, but just as it reaches MGH, MGH grabs it and hurls it down a side street, causing it to crash into a building and explode for no real reason.]
MGH <synthesized>: PREDICTABLE!
ANNOUNCER MAN: So buy the Hulkamania Preparation Kit today at your favorite retail store, and you'll know what to do when Hulkamania tries to run wild on you!
[ANNOUNCER MAN gives you a thumbs up as the screen fades to black.]
---
SHERL: Gah, infomercials.
BRANDT: Mecha Geese Howard in downtown Tokyo? Boy, that brings back memories...
SHERL ...right.
[*CLICK*]
---
ICE: Where do you expect them to put it, man? They don't have anything. They're from some nest... or something.
DUB: ...nest? You rented that room to agents of NESTS?
[IGNIZOKT and ZERRO walk back into the living room.]
IGNIZOKT: We are the overlords of NESTS and our technology is advanced beyond all that you can possibly comprehend with one hundred percent of your brain.
DUB: Oh, is that so? ...and what is so "advanced" about it?
IGNIZOKT: Well for one thing NESTS HQ has one-third less gravity than your Earth. I don't know if you can understand but our aerial techniques for initiating combination attacks are beyond all measurement.
DUB: ...so what you're saying is NESTS is more advanced because you can perform cross-ups?
---
ALAIR: Hey, Team Unplugged Funky Force!
SHERL: Bo-ring.
[*CLICK*]
---
[SCENE: The top of a hill in the middle of a misty pine forest. All is quiet, but trumpet music begins to slowly fade in as the unmistakable form of the Metal Slug appears. Then, as
the background music reaches full crescendo (Soldier's Morning (Destroy and Win)) it is revealed that the Metal Slug is strapped to the back of a heavily built man wearing combat boots, camoflage pants, a brown T-shirt and olive vest, with a camoflage bandanna tied around his head. He continues to jog up the hill in perfect cadence to the music, showing no visible signs of straining under the immense weight he carries. The camera follows him through the forest as the music continues playing. Eventually, a burst of static is heard. The man reaches behind him and pulls out a small field radio.]
MAN: Hmm?
[Someone on the other end says something, but the words can't be heard clearly over the static. The man has no apparent trouble, however.]
MAN: Hmm.
[Putting the radio back behind his back, the man runs offscreen.]
[Cut to a brick-paved street in a small war-torn town. Dozens of soldiers in green uniforms and helmets are milling about, patrolling the area, restocking their tanks' ammunition, cooking dinner over an open flame, or working on their tan. In the middle of it all is GENERAL MORDEN, surveying the scene from atop a huge multi-turreted tank with no small sense of satisfaction. Near the outskirts of the town, two soldiers are having a conversation.]
SOLDIER 1: So he actually charges after you on a *camel?*
SOLDIER 2: Hey, it had a gun mounted on the side.
SOLDIER 1: So wha'd you do?
SOLDIER 2: Well, I just said, "look, I'm trying to get out of this alive too." Then I remembered I left my rifle just behind me, so I started stepping backwards with my hands in the air like so...
[The SOLDIER begins stepping backwards with his hands in the air, but ends up bumping into someone. He turns around to confront him, but...]
SOLDIER 2: Hey, watch where you're- AAAHHH!!
[He falls to the ground and begins crawling backwards in abject horror before pointing a shaking finger at the man.]
SOLDIER: S-S-Slugata Sanshiro!!
[Upon hearing the hapless soldier utter this name, the other soldiers scream and recoil in abject horror. MORDEN turns to look at SLUGATA with hatred burning in his eyes.]
MORDEN: You...
[The view changes to the man from the beginning of the commercial standing with his arms crossed in front of his chest... and yes, he's still carrying the Metal Slug on his back. The words "Capt. Slugata Sanshiro, Sparrows Special Unit" appear on the bottom of the screen. He quickly uncrosses his arms, revealing two large high-caliber rifles. Cut back to MORDEN, who points to SLUGATA.]
MORDEN: GET HIM!!
[The next few scenes are nothing less than complete and utter carnage, the sole source of which is SLUGATA, as illustrated by quick cuts and shots where he hurls potato masher-style grenades at a group of soldiers; fires dual uzis offscreen; puts a soldier in a headlock and beats him over the head with a tonfa; lights a soldier on fire with a flamethrower, who then bumps into a group of soldiers and lights *them* on fire in turn; completely destroys a tank with a barrage of rockets; and knocks out a soldier with a punch glove. The montage ends with SLUGATA commandeering a Bradley missile launcher and setting it on auto-destruct, causing it to plow head-first into MORDEN's tank, destroying it in a tremendous explosion. When the smoke clears, MORDEN is left lying on top of the wreckage, still in one piece but badly scorched. SLUGATA climbs on top of what once was the General's tank and surveys the battlefield: The roads are covered with craters, soldiers are strewn hither and yon, and piles of scrap that were once tanks and trucks lie about, all serving as reminders of what was once a proud military victory. MORDEN coughs up a cloud of smoke, and strains to look up at his conqueror.]
MORDEN: Slugata Sanshiro... why?
[Grabbing MORDEN by the neck, SLUGATA carries him into the ruins of an arcade and over to the Neo-Geo machine (which, remarkably, is still working). With a look of pure range upon his face, he drags his index finger across the buttons and holds up in front of MORDEN's face.]
MORDEN: D-dust??
[SLUGATA walks outside of the arcade, rears his arm back and hurls MORDEN into the air. Undoing the buckles keeping the Metal Slug attached to his back, SLUGATA lets the tank drop to the ground with a heavy thud. Boarding the tank, he aims the main cannon at the still-airborne dictator and fires. The POV changes to that of the shell as it heads straight for MORDEN, and just before impact it switches back to SLUGATA as he pokes his head out of the hatch and watches the fireworks. Looking around the town he nods in satisfaction, then goes back into the Metal Slug and drives off.]
ANNOUNCER: Metal Slug: Play it now or SLUGATA SANSHIRO WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND KICK YOUR ASS!
---
THIEF: ...yeah, right. Like some burly Japanese asshole with a toy tank strapped to his back is going to fucking scare *me*. Back me up, bitches.
[Silence.]
THIEF: Hey, I said- ...eh?
[THIEF looks around to see VIPER and ONIKO at a Neo-Geo arcade cabinet, MAX and ALAIR with Neo-Geo Pockets and SHERL at a computer running an emulator. Three guesses as to what they're playing.]
THIEF: You goddamned pussies. I can't believe you're actually afraid of-
[A shadow looms over THIEF. He looks up in annoyance.]
THIEF: Hey, what the fuck do you- [pales] ...oh, shit.
[The shadow belongs to none other than SLUGATA SANSHIRO, who currently has a Real Damn Pissed expression on his face.]
THIEF: S-slugata Sans-s-shiro... how nice of you to-URK!
[SLUGATA picks up THIEF by the throat, slams him face-first into the ground, pulls the Metal Slug off of his back (with one hand, no less) and brings it down on THIEF with a resounding crunch, then picks it back up to find THIEF plastered to the bottom. Scraping him off with a baton, he sets the tank back down and drives off to parts unknown.]
VIPER: Man, the Mecha Slug is awesome.
ONIKO: That it is young Viper, that it is.
LANCE <over intercom>: We have returned from... hey, what the hell are you goons doing down there?? Sit down and get back to suffering!
[Small crane arms lower from the ceiling and grab the computer, arcade cabinet and Neo-Geo Pockets. ALL grumble and reluctantly take their seats.]
LANCE <over inercom>: ...and where did you get THAT little device, Sherly? You don't know where it's been!
[Another crane arm drops down and yanks the remote out of SHERL's grasp.]
SHERL: Hey!
MAX: Man, I hope that guy doesn't find out that I was playing Gals Fighters...
Posted on Feb 25, 2004, 4:04 PM from IP address 24.195.121.126