Fear and MiSTing in Quasispace

Hi, and welcome to Fear and MiSTing in Quasispace, the discussion board for Quasispace Portal Theater 3000. Please note the following rules concerning posting:

1. Anyone is permitted to shadow-MiST, as long as you're courteous and introduce yourself (preferably on Transmissions From Quasispace) before you begin actually contributing to this madness.

2. This board handles MiSTing in the following manner:

3. The current admins of this board are eonsinger and t.ogre. Not Wanderer, not the Black Snotling, not your aunt Flora. Don't go crying to them if you have any problems regarding this board. (In the same vein, this board and the other Ballad are separate entities, so keep that in mind, and try not to get us mixed up.)

4. When selecting an avatar, keep in mind that this is a crew of lovable self-inserted screwups, so no twinks or established characters. In fact, a plain old human would be a good idea. Fancy that! ^_^

[ Episode 104 is posted. Episode 105 is in editing. Episode 106 will hopefully start in January. ]

[ADMIN] THESE BOARDS ARE NOW LOCKED.

by (Login mot-b-team)
Forum Owner

Please go to the new boards at http://www.quasispace.org.

Thank you.

t.ogre
qwfh

Posted on Mar 26, 2004, 10:28 PM
from IP address 66.25.131.77

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Tagline thread, yo. Everybody line up with your sweet taglines ready for inspection. (nt)

by Chimera, Sacred Lord of the Tagline (no login)

Who's goin' tagline thread huntin'? We's goin' tagline thread huntin'!

...sorry.

Posted on Mar 9, 2004, 10:28 PM
from IP address 172.173.229.90

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Soooo not a furry -- honest: Dragomorph [nt]

by Dragomorph (no login)

Really.

Posted on Mar 10, 2004, 3:30 PM
from IP address 66.165.22.121

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Back in the U.S.S.A. -- O. Hakubi (nt)

by O. Hakubi (no login)

Note: First initial, last name.

Posted on Mar 10, 2004, 4:09 PM
from IP address 24.195.121.126

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He's the Undefeated of the West! [nt]

by The General appears (no login)



Posted on Mar 10, 2004, 4:50 PM
from IP address 141.152.46.51

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Coffin Line-Dancing - Demonicuss Krinn (nt)

by Demon K. (no login)

What can I say, I'm a Lincoln Rhyme fan.

Posted on Mar 10, 2004, 5:19 PM
from IP address 64.61.217.215

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Nameless Everpresent Girlfriend:

by Idiotbox (no login)

Mind you, that may not be appropriate, given how I've never actually written for FAJ. Should I stick with it?

Posted on Mar 10, 2004, 6:22 PM
from IP address 213.249.179.58

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She uses weird things -- Alair (nt)

by Alair (no login)

They are useful, after all.

Posted on Mar 10, 2004, 10:47 PM
from IP address 172.155.164.169

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...okay, after much deliberation...

by O. Hakubi (no login)

...I would like to change my tagline to "Aroused and intrigued by Alair's tagline."

Thankyouthatisall.

Posted on Mar 16, 2004, 5:28 PM
from IP address 24.195.121.126

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Surprisingly not David Cassidy II -

by (no login)



Posted on Mar 10, 2004, 10:47 PM
from IP address 216.175.99.252

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"I deorderize with a chunk of salt.":

by (no login)



Posted on Mar 11, 2004, 12:48 AM
from IP address 129.22.38.154

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<insert generic tagline here> -- [nt]

by t.ogre (no login)



Posted on Mar 11, 2004, 7:57 AM
from IP address 66.25.131.77

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Gauranteed, got more on his mind than you -

by (no login)

Blam.

Posted on Mar 15, 2004, 7:44 PM
from IP address 64.178.96.5

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He's got a social disease! - Viper the Hedgehog [nt]

by Schwere Viper (no login)

o/~ He is sick, he is sick, he is sick, sick, sick...o/~

Posted on Mar 15, 2004, 11:01 PM
from IP address 203.153.233.208

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What episode is this for again? Cause I forgot if I contributed or not. ^^; (nt)

by Mark Poa (no login)

Say what?

Posted on Mar 17, 2004, 10:32 PM
from IP address 210.14.31.18

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One-oh-fahve. [nt]

by (Login SchwereViper)

PC's still broken.

Posted on Mar 18, 2004, 10:41 PM
from IP address 203.153.233.209

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In that case: "Goes down great with milk, Mark Poa"

by Mark Poa (no login)

no text

Posted on Mar 24, 2004, 7:19 PM
from IP address 210.14.31.18

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Taking a running leap at a rolling donut on a gravel driveway - Chimera (nt)

by Chimera (no login)

Or something, anyways.

Posted on Mar 25, 2004, 3:48 PM
from IP address 172.146.74.113

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Status of editing/sketches and stuff.

by Cosmos (no login)

Okay, just so everyone knows, I expect to finish going through all of ep 105 (in the big honking compile) by the end of this week. I'm ready to start plugging sketches into it, so if anyone who's already written one has last minute tweaks to make, now would be a good time.

People can help me out by doing the following things:

-find the sketch done by Penfold and Lainer. (Yes, I am that lazy, and I don't wanna go looking for it.)
-Go through the chapters and make me a list of everyone who contributed to the riffing this episode, once that's done, we can post it here and people can start thinking of their taglines. (And remember, if you don't think one up for yourself, I *will* make one up for you).
-Nominate stingers, only one has jumped out at me, and it's a little long.
-Did someone do the copyright notices for this episode? Because, as previously stated, I am *not* doing them this time. The editing is more than enough to make my head explode.

I also have a few last questions about the setting. I know we were thinking about doing the soap opera thing, but so far, there hasn't been much done on that angle. If we're still doing it, I'll try to work it in on my sketch, but at this point, I'd just say save it for a later fic (maybe one that overdoes the angst and melodrama). Second, is Nnirk supposed to show up as a sidekick or not?

That's about it. Knock on wood, I should be able to wrap this up shortly.

Cosmos

Posted on Mar 9, 2004, 6:23 PM
from IP address 68.165.46.123

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Links and notes and Nnirks and tasty freshly squeezed vitreous humour.

by Chimera, helper of the holy status-bearer (no login)

This is the thread for Lainer/Penfold's sketch. Note that some revisions were suggested, but I don't think Penfold or Lainer have acted upon them yet.

http://www.network54.com/Hide/Forum/message?forumid=162270&messageid=1072131520

And yeah, you're pretty damn lazy, this is on the same SCREEN as your post. [smirk]

Anyways, that one, Oniko's, and my sketches ALL need more proofreading (well, mine less so, now that you've gone over it).

As far as your sketch with Nnirk goes, throw him in if you want. Or don't. Lance and Shade don't seem too adverse and we do need to at least keep him local and available for the ongoing Krinn thing.

And as to the lack of soap opera-ing, I've brought this up previously (in that very thread I linked to above, in fact). I've additionally already encorporated that into my outline for the finale. Heh. Consider this our 'Out of Character' episode, more than anything else. So feel free to do what you want, we'll pack the soap opera on hard when the Good Krinn comes by, maybe? Or maybe in the third ep of the Krinn story arc, when Good Krinn and Nnirk combine?

As for my tagline, I'm still thinkin'. I'll set up a seperate tagline thing, just to make things easier on people.

Posted on Mar 9, 2004, 10:23 PM
from IP address 172.173.229.90

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RE: My skitbreak/funny, lack of

by Lainer (no login)

I'm thinking about completely rewriting the skit based around Penfold's commercials. I had an idea a few weeks ago, and it seems even more appropriate now that there's a corporation involved. You all know how much deadlines mean to me, but I'll try to have it mostly done by Thursday.

Also, I'll handle the copyrights to make up for skipping out on the editing this time around.

Keep Left-->

Posted on Mar 10, 2004, 1:38 AM
from IP address 216.175.99.252

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Okay.

by Cosmos (no login)

Is Nnirk still doing the Cobra Commander impression?

Cosmos
And when I say I'm being lazy, I damn well mean it.

Posted on Mar 10, 2004, 4:01 PM
from IP address 68.165.44.140

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My thoughts...

by Nnirk S. (no login)

Concerning Nnirk and Ep 106...

My thoughts was that Nnirk could pop up and act as an assisstant Mad to Lance and DHP, giving his main reason for aiding is to "hurt Thief". About his "Cobra Commander" impression, I figured that he'd passed the majority of the yslmarri DNA already (making him look more like a minor yun-ti than full-bore snakeman) and give him the nifty ability to temporary nullity Thief's psychic abilities.

I could give more info and thoughts upon request.

Posted on Mar 10, 2004, 5:13 PM
from IP address 64.61.217.215

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That's pretty much what I was thinkin', really.

by Chimera (no login)

Fact I was wondering if Nnirk could deliberately 'hold onto' the lizard DNA (which anybody with a brain would obviously want to do, given the array of powerful people in QS), or if his body would instinctively process the foriegn matter out as he regenerates.

Posted on Mar 10, 2004, 7:45 PM
from IP address 172.162.32.225

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Nnirk's Anatomy

by Demon/Nnirk (no login)

As much as Nnirk would love to hold on to the ysmarri DNA, any foreign material would be removed as he heals. He'll only have enough remaining to last through ep 106, then it'll be gone.

DHP (knocking on bathroom door): Hurry up in there man! My back teeth are floating!
NNIRK (from inside): Hold your bladder, I have rogue genetic material to pass.
*Insert Funny Remark Here*

Posted on Mar 10, 2004, 10:26 PM
from IP address 64.61.218.118

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Well, you could start with what a minor yun-ti looks like.

by Cosmos (no login)

I must be slacking on my geekdom.

Cosmos

Posted on Mar 11, 2004, 5:47 PM
from IP address 68.165.46.124

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Must be; it's only D&D 3e.

by Lainer (no login)

Imagine Cobra Commander right after getting zapped with the animografy beam by the alien invaders. Or King Hiss without the tentacles.

On second thought, knowing that would probably make you nerdier than knowing the D&D Monster Manual.

Posted on Mar 11, 2004, 8:22 PM
from IP address 216.175.99.252

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Wasssss once...a man...

by Demon K. (no login)

Lainer pretty much hit on the head with his description. Nnirk (as he does now) looks pretty much normal, with a few reptile-like features (such as small patches of scales, snake-like eyes [Not to be confused with Snake-Eyes], the habit of hissing, etc.

Posted on Mar 11, 2004, 10:02 PM
from IP address 64.61.217.138

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Copyrights + free gift

by Lainer (no login)

Tenchi Muyo!, No Need for Tenchi, Samurai Space Opera, Magical Girl Pretty Sammy, Daughter of Darkness, and every related character are property of AIC/Pioneer. The Guyver and related characters are property of Yoshiki Takaya. Street Fighter Alpha, Dan, Akuma, Chun Li, Zangief, Morrigan, Lilith, and Demitri are propery of CAPCOM. Duke Nukem is surprisingly still property of 3D Realms. Lara Croft is property of Eidos plc. Jedi Knight: Dark Forces 2 is property of Lucasfilm Ltd. and Lucasarts EC LLC. The Playstation is property of Sony Computer Entertainment. Woolworths is property of Woolworths (is property of Woolworths is property of-). X-Men, Wolverine, Rouge, and Spiderman are property of Marvel Enterprises, Inc. Castlevania, Alucard, and the Belmont bloodline are property of Konami Digital Entertainment. Pokemon, Pikachu, Mewtwo, and all related characters are property of Nintendo Co., Ltd. Bram Stokers Dracula is property of Columbia/Tristar and, um, Bram Stoker. Samurai Pizza Cats and all related characters are property of Tatsunoko Production Co. and Saban International. Fist of the North Star is property of Neo Motion Pictures and Tetsuo Hara. Ah! My Goddess! and all related characters are property of AIC studios.

I need a drink.

Also:

HAY GUYS! I FOUND THE SECRET!

http://www.tmffa.com/old/m/mst-causality05.txt

Posted on Mar 10, 2004, 4:44 AM
from IP address 216.175.99.252

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Huh. So someone already MiSTed TOA?

by Cosmos (no login)

I'm not sure that's a good thing. Isn't there some convention about not doing a fic someone else has already done?

Cosmos

Posted on Mar 10, 2004, 4:00 PM
from IP address 68.165.44.140

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That comment better not be suggesting what I think its suggesting. [nt]

by Idiotbox (no login)

.

Posted on Mar 10, 2004, 6:18 PM
from IP address 213.249.179.58

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Calm yourself.

by Cosmos (no login)

I was actually more along the lines of wondering if we needed to contact the first group as a courtesy or something. I would be damn pissed off to have to scrap an episode.

Cosmos

Posted on Mar 11, 2004, 5:50 PM
from IP address 68.165.46.124

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Hasn't really stopped people in the past.

by Dragomorph (no login)

Hell, one of the fics I MiSTed was already MiSTed elsewhere. If nothing else, it provides different perspectives on something.

Dragomorph
"And if he gave permission, what the hey?"

Posted on Mar 10, 2004, 7:57 PM
from IP address 66.165.22.121

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Good points. (nt)

by Cosmos (no login)

Wheeeee!

Posted on Mar 11, 2004, 5:51 PM
from IP address 68.165.46.124

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Finished my last check.

by Cosmos (no login)

Or at least as much as my tired eyes will allow. Now waiting for sketches (namly mine) and the word from the nitpickers (ready?).

Cosmos

Posted on Mar 14, 2004, 11:47 PM
from IP address 68.165.40.144

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The intro to ep105. Finally. But on the plus side, uh, there's a lot of it.

by Chimera (no login)

(A, Shade, I did pretty much everything in your outline, except the thing about Lance 'trapping' Brandt to get t.ogre's compliance. It's already long enough, and besides, it'd make more sense for him to do it when t.ogre and Brandt are in the theater together. B, uh, it's long. Hopefully not TOO long. C, hopefully Lance is written well. I was a tad worried about that, since I'm doing so much with him here.)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Another day in oblivion.

Slowly his eyes crept open, staring up at an infinite expanse of shimmering randomness. It was like melting watercolors, dancing on all sides. The formless effluvia of uncountable alternate realities.

It really looses its charm after you're there for almost a week, it really, really does. Also it tends to have very odd effects on the functionality of the brain.

But on the plus side, he wasn't there alone.

"You certainly are not!" Said the shape which loomed up into his vision on the left side.

"Why, good morning Mister Shirt," Lance said cheerfully.

"Top o' the mornin' to you too, Lance m'boy!" Mister Shirt said in his thick Irish accent that often wandered into a Scottish accent. "You're looking well today. Not insane at all!"

"Nope! Perfectly sane."

"Perfectly!"

"Running on an even keel."

"As sound as cottage cheese lying on the sandwalk in August."

"Abso-yessie-posi-lutely!"

"Wait, which one of us is which, again? I lost track."

This happened far more often than it probably should.

"That last one was you, Lance." Pantsie said as he loomed in from the right, his zipper-lined mouth working as he spoke. "You can tell, because, you know. No accent. Also, there's the lack of buttons. And I don't think you're a 50/50 Cotton/Nylon blend. At least, not yet."

"You're right! I'm no more than 25% cotton, if I remember my biology correctly. And the only button I have, I got after that drinking contest, and- well, nevermind that. What is it we were planning to do today?"

"What do we always do, Pantsie?" Mister Shirt said, his buttons forming a grin.

Pantsie danced about. "Try to take over the worl-"

Mister Shirt and Lance took turns bitchslapping him.

"Sorry, I lost my head. Hm... I say we look at the clouds of nothingness and see what beautiful shapes we can make out."

This was, in fact, what he did every day. Every damn day. Every goddamn, stinking, worthless day. Partly because not long ago he'd lost the energy to stand, and was reduced to lying on his back. This didn't do much to reduce the view, it was the same in the other directions, too... so he didn't mind it any.

It was Lance's turn to start. "Well, let's see, that up there? That looks like t.ogre being bent over by a hydraulic press until his spine caves, forcing his face into his own sphincter, and as he dies, he can feel his ass-muscles twitching and clenching feebly around his own nose from the agony."

"Hey yeah, I can see that, laddie! That little thing off to the side being the bloodspurt, right?"

"Right in one, Mister Shirt," Lance said with a friendly smile. "And that, that there, that's Brandt being thrown into a men's maximum security prison due to some bureaucratic error, where he comes to understand the meaning of suffering at the hands of dozens if not hundreds of large, lonely prisoners, none of whom have so much as a liquid ounce of lube, not one of which wants to just cuddle, until the very sight of his body makes the guards puke and blood oozes from every orifice, and-"

"Not that we have anything against gay people," Pantsie hurriedly put in.

"Oh, no! Not at all," Lance agreed.

"Except that little asshole Brandt," Pantsie added. Pantsie was a good egg. Helped remind him of his hatreds. And God knows, there's not much else that'll keep you alive for almost a week despite a lack of food or water. Except maybe a long marathon of Babylon 5.

"Now, what about THAT cloud?" Mister Shirt querried.

"THAT one is a large dark menacing Latino man in evil-looking armor carved with cabalistic symbols and adorned with handcrafted fetishes undoubtedly gleaned from the butchered remains of the many foes he has felled in battle."

"Hola, Lance," the man said.

"Oooh, and this cloud TALKS!" Pantsie called cheerfully.

The man drew a sizable handgun, pointing it at Pantsie.

"It talks AND it has a gun! That's so cool!" Pantsie crowed. Then Pantsie added, "Ouch!" as he was blasted into a shredded cloud of fabric. Lance blinked down at his now-bared arm where it still hung in midair, fingers still cupped as if using the pants-puppet's zipper for a mouth.

"You son of a bitch! Get him, Mister Shirt!" Lance snapped, and hurled his shirt at the man.

Mister Shirt grabbed ahold of the intruder in their little rainbow world, violently wrestling back and forth with him, trying to get his sleeves up and around the man's murderous neck. All the while he shouted, "Suck my shilegleah, ye bloody gaffertoad!" And then something about, "Ye gonna ready yerself to be kissin' me blarney stones now, laddie!?" And then finally, as he reared up, about to triumphantly break his foe's neck, he screamed out, "ERIN GO BRALESS, MOTHERFUCKA-"

Except that it was about then that the man annoyedly tore Mister Shirt in half.

"AAAAGHH! YOU MURDEROUS BASTARD! HE'S GOT TWO LITTLE VESTS AND AN UNDERSHIRT AT HOME WHO DEPEND ON HIM!" Lance roared.

Mister Undies made as if to enter the fray, but the man pointed his gun at Lance's crotch, snapping, "Your Fruit of the Looms better stand down, boy!" Then transferred his aim to Lance's face.

Mister Undies decided that discretion was the better part of valor. He always HAD been a bit of a coward. Lance, however, was still pissed... waving his arms. "Yeah, big man, threatening a guy wasted away by hunger and thirst. Just come into reach! I'll teach you not to kill helpless pants in the prime of their lives-"

The man interrupted, saying sharply, "Shut up! I'm here to get you OUT of here!"

That stopped him short. After a moment, Lance asked slowly, "...You are? Just who ARE you?"

"My name is Willias Muerte IV... they call me the Great Death."

"Well Bob, let's get the fuck out of here."

Muerte gave Lance a hard look, before activating his hands-free mic and murmuring, "Going to need a planar bridge for two." He paused, as Lance waved Mister Undies wildly. Muerte sighed and added, "Make that three."

To Lance, he snapped, "Now put those back on!" Another pause, before he said into the radio, "No, no! Not you, sir! Not at all. Him." Muerte sighed, and said defeatedly, "Yes, sir."

Turning the radio off, Muerte scowled at Lance. "Are you happy now? I have to shoot myself as punishment for snapping at the boss." With that, he put his gun to his head, and blew everything from his neck up into a fine pink mist. His headless body stayed balanced and upright a moment more, before slumping to the side.

Lance blinked for a moment at the corpse, before grinning broadly, and saying, "Yes, I am. Thank you." Then a great wrenching force took hold of him and he blacked out.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Nnnnng..." Lance groaned out.

"It's the return of gravity that did it for you, Lance m'boy. Couldn't be avoided. But you'll be fine, now." A deep, cultured voice murmured.

"Nnnnng...?" Lance queried.

"Yes, really. You've had a dunk in our Saiyan Rejuvenation Chamber. We've got nutrients and such being pumped into you as we speak, and there's aromatherapy candles; Margerie, my acupuncturist, has all of your chi points properly stimulated; Terrance has given you a deeply clensing high colonic; Bobby's given that matted fur of yours a restorative shampooing and styling; Hadji has flensed your chakras with his ritual knives; and Akiko, my personal masseuse, is now giving you an extremely, extremely thorough massage with my favorite hand-mixed brand of warming cinnamon oils."

"Mmmmmm..." Lance groaned again, this time for entirely different reasons.

"She does have quite a nice touch, doesn't she?"

"Ooooohhh." Lance nodded in agreement. This was helping his mood, a lot.

"Okay, now that you're feeling better, I have a few words to say to you."

"Hnnnnn...?" Lance asked drowsily.

"t.ogre. Brandt Delacroix. Puns."

Lance shot up to a seated position instantly, jangling the IV bags hooked into his veins and the hundreds of slender steel needles sticking out of his skin, cinnamon massage oil dripping off his fur. His voice was a rumbling growl. "What?"

Though he was instantly aware, his eyes were more reluctant to work, after untold time staring into a shimmering rainbow hell. Where the other speaker stood, Lance could only make out a tall, slender shadow. At head level, he could make out a pair of reflections of himself... mirrored sunglasses, he realized after a moment. The man said, mildly, "I have an offer for you. If you come to work for me, help in my experiments, then you'll get those two. In chains, humiliated, heads on a platter, however you like. And I'll see to it that you're paid for your time, a mercenary of your caliber should hardly leave her penniless, correct?" There was a slight pause, before he added cheerfully, "If you don't agree, I toss you back into the void and shut the door forever. What do you say?"

For a short moment, Lance blinked at the other man, before asking, simply, "Well fuck, what do you think I'm going to say?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not too long later, the the shadowy man and Lance were both riding through the corridors of the huge base Lance had woken in. As to where the base was, or its purpose, Lance could not even guess. Often they would pass by unbreakable one-way windows looking into isolated labs, and in each a different and odd activity was taking place. It wasn't easy to glimpse their contents, at the pace that the exquisitely endowed centaurs they were riding. The shadowy man had the female and availed himself of the useful handholds, Lance found himself clinging as best he could to the male without getting too grossed out. At least Lance himself wasn't naked for the ride... he'd been supplied with replacements for Mister Shirt and Pantsie, may their souls rest in peace.

"Uh, so... what about these things we're riding, here?" Lance finally had to ask.

"Oh, these? The last two centaurs in existance," his new patron said casually.

"The last?"

"Oh yes. I had all of the others annihilated. That makes this mated pair that much more valuable."

"...right," Lance found himself muttering, directing his attention to the lab they were passing. Inside, it was filled with water, and half a dozen dolphins therein swam about. They seemed to be encapsulated in streamlined body armor, with strapped-on torpedo launchers and laser guns, and were at the moment murdering largely helpless elderly swimmers.

Lance started to ask, but the shadowy man seemed to have detected the direction of Lance's gaze and smirked, saying, "Hey, a species can only tolerate being petted and squeaked at by pink bipedal freaks for so long. I'm just helping them get revenge."

"For a small fee." Lance said astutely.

"For certain services, actually," He said brightly. "You'd be astonished how much money can be made when I'm the biggest supplier of cute dolphins to the beastiality community. Care for one yourself? You look like you could still stand to unwind."

"Uh, put me down for 'none'. In fact, less than none, if that's at all possible."

"Oh, sure it's possible." He flipped open his cellphone and murmured into it, "Willias, have several dolphins killed for Lance, would you?"

A deep male voice answered promptly, "Will do, Mister R!" In the background there was the sound of a chainsaw and pained squeaks.

When Lance gave the man a horrified look, he seemed to misinterpret. "Oh, don't worry, I can feed the carcasses into my vegetarian chili. No real loss. But we'd best get rid of the witness. Willias? Kill yourself." From over the phone, there was a muffled sigh and a single gunshot.

"...right." Lance suspected he'd be saying that a lot. "So just where are we goi- what the hell's going on in there?"

Following the direction of Lance's pointed finger, the other man said innocently, "Why, that's our infant research center."

"Infant research!? But that's a barbeque! And those are real baby-back ribs! With what appears to be a delicious smokey barbeque sauce being applied to them!"

"Food companies have to research into undiscovered taste sensations all the time. Besides, you didn't say a thing about what you had at breakfast." Seeming to sense a little unease (not to mention nausea) growing in his companion, the man went on grandly, "Look, Lance. The thing is that I have obligations. An obligation to my stockholders, to the universal economy, and to myself. Perhaps a few people get hurt in the process, but somebody has to do it. Somebody has to train the next generation of serial killers via intensive sensory deprivation and virtual reality; somebody has to teach cats how to steal the breath of small children; somebody has to distribute the 'Go Crazy' pills to postal workers, Republicans, and scientists; somebody had to tip Falwell off about those damn gay Teletubbies; somebody had to cancel Star Trek; somebody had to co-ordinate rifle fire from the grassy knoll; somebody had to be there to sell those xenomorph eggs to that kindergarten; and damnit, somebody had to be there to craft and orchestrate that whole religious movement about two thousand years ago-"

"Hey, look, as long as I come out of here with the memories of two hideous deaths, I can overlook a whole lot of things." Lance paused, glancing into the next window, and shuttered. "A whole lot of big things, even when they're humping each other."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"This is the portal room. Here, my technicians will project you to t.ogre's location. Go ahead and jump in." He gestured with a flourish.

"Uh, it looks like a giant industrial blender."

"Those are just the trans-universal tachyon emitting rotors. Oh, and nevermind the blood smeared along the walls."

Lance growled. "Fucksake. Fine. I don't care. Lets get this thing started."

Anonymous techs began to push buttons, levers were pulled, and the rotors at the far end of the tunnel began to spin into blurred discs. The motor gave off a high, whining howl, and breeze coming from the rotors to play across Lance's fur.

Lance started forward, but the man caught his arm, saying mildly, "Hold on, one last thing you're going to need sooner or later, Lance m'boy. Here." He held out a rather fancy wristwatch, "You're going to want to guard this very carefully."

"Why?" Lance asked, taking the watch. "Does it have a stopwatch function?"

The man frowned, faintly. "No, it do- okay, actually, it does, now that I think about it. But the main function is to switch your soul-toggle to Evil Self-Insertion Mode."

Lance blinked, twisting to look over at the other. "What?"

"Well, at the moment, you're in Heel-Turn Villian Mode, which isn't an infrequent upgrade for many Anti-Heroes. This means that you're going to inevitably either be defeated, because all villians get theirs in the end, or you're going to be converted back to good through some contrived method. Usually this entails a blow to the head to 'fix' your brain, a'la just about every cartoon in the 80's. Or possibly it will involve a few hackneyed, cliche-laiden speeches to remind you of the honor and glory you used to be party to. Or God forbid, a fucking intervention. In other words, no matter what, you're screwed."

Lance stared blankly, so the man went on.

"This, however, will turn you into an Evil Self-Insertion. This means that the author clearly favors you and thus you'll win out in virtually any situation. Hell, it would take god-like power to even cause you mild humiliation, and this will always be quickly retified. You'll be simply unbeatable... and we won't have to worry about a repeat of those last.... incidents."

Lance considered the watch, before asking in a dazed tone, "Are there any side-effects?"

"Mainly there's the problem that you'll come up with a really shitty catchphrase and you'll spout it at least once or twice an episode just before facing off with somebody. You'll want to watch out for that."

"Huh." Lance strapped the watch securely around his wrist. "I don't feel any different. Except there's this sudden odd rush of confidance and feelings of omnipotence."

"Yeah, you'll get that. Now, get along in there and kick t.ogre's ass."

Lance nodded, and started into the portal.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At that moment, the furthest thing from t.ogre's mind was Lance, or bad movies, or even wrestling.

"Go, Frodo! RUUUN!" t.ogre bellowed as he brought Whack, the ancient elven runic steel chair, up over his head, threatening the horrid thing advancing from the cave mouth towards them on its many legs. The chair glowed with a cold blue light.

"But t, you're sure to be killed!" Frodo protested where he stood at t.ogre's side with his sword Sting, the blade glowing like t.ogre's.

"This? This is nothing after a hardcore Dusty Rhodes match! Go!"

Frodo hesitated a moment more, before nodding and darting off behind t.ogre. t.gore gave a grin and murmured, "Okay, you son of a bitch, now that we're alone. Let's finish this so I can stop feeling like such a goddamn nerd for being here."

As if understanding him, the horror rose up on its hind hairs, displaying its glue-sticky underbelly and waving tangled tendrils of hair. A thick growl came out of it, that almost sounded like words, given in a strange, stacatto pattern. "You... DO NOT... understand, how badly... I will kick your... ass... you... wrestling pussy..."

t.ogre growled low. "You damn evil hairpiece, I don't even know how you got away from William Shatner, but he'll have to go to hell to get you back!" And with that, he charged, his chair coming around... only to see the hairpiece get suddenly pierced from behind by the slim blade of a katana. "What? ...LANCE!?"

The mercenary fox-man stepped from the shadows, slinging the hairpiece from the tip of his katana into the darkness. t.ogre's eyes involentarily followed its flightpath... how had Lance killed this unkillable beast with such supernatural ease? His gaze shot back to Lance, as the mercenary took up an offensive stance, whispering coldly, "Finally, my revenge be upon ye, t.ogre. Justice's blade shall not be merciful!" With this, he leapt at t.ogre, his katana slashing out.

t.ogre does not remember the fight well, only in pictures. Memories of being helplessly slapped around with the flat of Lance's sword, of having his flesh being playfully slashed in a dozen places, his clothes cut away. In the end, he lay dazed and nearly dead on the floor of the cave. A contemptuous slap of Lance's sword caught Whack and tossed it aside. The katana leapt up with supernatural agility to touch lightly beneath t.ogre's chin. The wrestler instinctively lifted his head back from the lethal edge, but the sword moved with, touching lightly on his skin.

"Now... you die." Lance murmured softly, starting to very, very slowly push his sword forward. He wanted this to last.

"Excellent job, Lance! Now step away so we can secure the prisoner."

Under normal circumstances, Lance would have ignored the voice, or simply thrust home in order to ensure that he got his kill before he was restrained. Except that this voice reduced him to gasping, his eyes bugging out as he stammered, "Muerte!?"

"Willias Muerte VI. At your service. Now put the pointy down so we can torture him inhumanely, okay?"

Lance's eyes narrowed coldly. "We can't take that risk. I have to destroy him now!"

"Do I get a say in this?" t.ogre slurred out weakly.

"Are you fucking kidding? Somebody portal him outta here." Muerte said drily, before a portal sprung open and swallowed up t.ogre just as Lance was pushing his sword home. The swordblade thrust through the glow impotently, drawing no blood.

Lance rounded on Muerte, hissing through gritted teeth, "My revenge be upon ye, Muerte! Justice's blade shall not be merciful!" And proceeded to slit Muerte from his buttocks to his neck and rip his spine out. Blinking down at the bloody spine, he muttered, "Okay, maybe that was going too far." Then a portal took hold of him and stole him away.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"What the hell was that!?" Lance demanded as he popped back into the shadowed man's base.

"I told you, Lance. You can have him AFTER I'm done with him, not before." He held up a hand, grinning broadly. "I can assure you, Lance... we will not be doing anything to him that he will enjoy. Consider it some small compensation for his sins before you deliver the coup de grace."

"Koo day grah?"

"It's a French thing. You're too manly to get it. Nevermind. Why not have a drink in the Employee Lounge, I'll call you when we need you again."

With a frustrated sigh, Lance nodded his agreement and started down the stairs he was directed towards.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The lounge turned out to be somewhat like Lance envisioned, having spent some time in the interdimensional nexus that was Dream City. Creatures of all manner and description ranged throughout the immense chamber. The walls were drab green concrete, the floor was tiled in an unrecoverably stained white, and the ceiling was coated in accoustic panels and banks of flourescent lights even MORE stained. There was only one feature in the room (apart from the long cafeteria counter, cash registers, tables, and their occupants, and some doors to get in and out of room, and all the litter, and... look, you get the goddamn idea), and this was a huge digital display high up on one wall. It worked much like a stadium scoreboard, using backlit red dots. At the moment it was displaying a counter that currently read at 27 seconds. A little board next to the counter read, "Time Since Last World Consumed".

At 29 seconds, the timer restarted at 00:00:00. Before it got to 00:00:13, it restarted again. Each time it did, a ear-shatteringly loud buzzer would sound and balloons and party streamers would flood down from the ceiling, and all of the occupants of the room would absently pick up a nearby horn or rattle or noisemaker or kazoo and use it passionlessly. Then they would set it down, flick the streamers and balloons off their food (or not, depending on how picky they were) and go on eating.

After a moment of staring, Lance shrugged inwardly and went to the counter. He steered a wide birth around the baby back ribs and vegetarian chilli, considered the haggis before deciding that the odds of it being from an actual sheep were miniscule. And besides, he wasn't nearly crazy enough to eat it if it were real. In the end, he settled for a slice of cheesecake drizzled with cherry sauce. As he got to the register, they waved him through without a charge, though one person shoved a rattle in his free hand before he could avoid it.

Turning resignedly, he looked out over the cafeteria for a place to sit down.

Off to one side, Muerte waved, smiling. Lance studiously, even meticulously ignored him and headed for one of a pair of empty seats. As he started that way, a small winged creature took one of them. It seemed to be some kind of reptile judging from its scaley nature. And it could have, if Lance were less of a wuss, been described as 'cute'. He/she/it was having what looked like a slice of pizza, holding the slice with its tail as it greeted friends. Set on the plate still was a noisemaker with a colorful paper roll.

Lance sat beside it, setting down his rattle and plate, and was just about to take a bite from his cheesecake when the buzzer went off. He winced, glaring up at the counter.

"Oh hell. Oh bloody hell. Oh bloody hell!" The creature beside him muttered with growing panic. His thick British accent was apparent despite the fear lacing his tone. He had set the noisemaker to his lips and was blowing it with greater and greater desperation. His snout, however, refused to form a tight enough seal, and all he got were hissing noises. Lance blinked over at him, wondering what the fuss was.

That's when the shadow fell over them. "PLEASE MAKE USE OF YOUR NOISEMAKER. YOU HAVE 20 SECONDS TO COMPLY." Lance whipped around and found himself staring down the barrel of a 7.62mm machine gun, mounted on the side of an immense bipedal robot.

He snorted, asking sardonically, "Don't you know the boss says I'm immortal?" Beside him, the scaled thing counterpointed Lance's bravado with quick blowing hisses.

"YOUR CIVIL RIGHTS ARE CURRENTLY REVOKED. YOU HAVE FIFTEEN SECONDS TO COMPLY."

"Fuck... you better do what he says, man!" The scaled creature blurted, before going back to blowing into his noisemaker.

"IF YOU CANNOT AFFORD A COFFIN, A MASS GRAVE WILL BE APPOINTED FOR YOU. YOU HAVE TEN SECONDS TO COMPLY."

Lance eyed his rattle, eyed the scaled creature's noisemaker, before casually swapping the two.

"AMMUNITION SELECTION COMPLETED - CYANIDE-TIPPED HYPER EXPLOSIVE NITROGLYCERINE HYPERVELOCITY SHELLS SELECTED. YOU HAVE FIVE SECONDS TO COMPLY."

Setting the noisemaker to his more flexible snout, he blew out a flat, unenthusiastic note towards the camera pickup of the robot, as the scaled creature frantically swung the rattle about. With that, the robot turned, and marched off towards another person who was having trouble with his kazoo.

"Man, thanks a lot!" The scaled creature said, reaching out to shake Lance's hand. When Lance gave his hand up, the scaled creature shook it rapidly, saying, "But, uh, if you were immortal, why did you bother to blow it yourself?"

"And get my clothes chewed up? Hell with that. What is it with all the noise and the counter, anyways?"

"Well, the boss thinks it's good for employee moral if they share in the sense of triumph he recieves every time he continues in his quest to stomp out all that's good in the universe. Again though, I gotta thank you."

"Uh, I was also wondering why you had a noisemaker, when you should know by now you can't use it." Lance asked with a frown.

'That's not my fault. You have to use whatever noise device you're given. To maintain the harmony, you understand. And nearly nobody is brave enough to trade 'em... if the boss catches you, will, that's it, you'll snuff it. Just like that."

"Huh. Anyways, what's your name? And, uh, what are you?"

The scaled creature grinned. "My name's Darkhorse, I'm what's referred to as a Pterid. You can call me DHP, if you want. Or Darkhorse. Or Darkie, but some people might think that's racist, and nobody wants that. Or Horsie, I guess, but then people will think I'm giving you piggy-back rides all the time like some little kid. Or maybe Pterie? Sort of like a petri dish, but, uh, completely different. Except that I guess I do hold some bacteria, I mean, who doesn't? And-"

Lance swiftly broke in, "Okay, okay! I get it, Dark. My name's Lance." He paused, considering the Pterid. "So tell me, what're you doing here?"

Dark started to speak when the buzzer sounded again. The rattle was picked up and shook. Even as he did, he went on, "Well, I, uh, can't exactly tell you. Partly I'm working to get enough money for... for something. The thing I can't tell you about. Once I have the money, I can hire some people here, to, er. Y'know."

"Yeah, the thing you can't tell me."

"Bingo."

"Look, Dark... You know, I could use somebody to watch my back around here. I have a feeling that I might get skunked one of these days... and I don't really have a lot more to use my paycheck towards. What do you say?"

"It's the least I can do." Dark said with a smile. "Now, when do I start watching your back?"

"Uh, right now." Lance said, taking a generous bite of his cheesecake.

"Oh, well then, my first duty will be to tell you that that's not cheesecake."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Across the room, Muerte VII was still eating his babyback ribs, watching idly as Lance spit out a mouthful of cake and frantically wiped at his tongue with his napkin, at least until the Pterid said something about 'that napkin's not made out of cloth'.

Slowly, the shadow behead Muerte grew thicker, until it was the size of a man. From it issued a quiet murmur, "Now, look at how he's already abusing the gifts I've given him, hiring that little gimp on! You'll have to watch him close for me, Muerte. Very close indeed."

Muerte nodded without looking up, a hand casually sliding down to his hip to check on the safety strap on his pistol. Yeah, this was a duty he could come to like.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At that very moment, t.ogre was waking up on the table to which he'd been strapped. Most of his wounds were partly healed by advanced technology, but the powerful anesthetics which saw to his conciousness and his pain left him heavily dazed. Slowly his eyes blinked open, the world a blurred haze about him.

"How are you doing today, Mister t.ogre?" Asked the Rock.

t.ogre blinked.

"Well, he's awake, I just saw him blink." Said another Rock.

"Indeed, he did. Phil can see the blink, even from where Phil diligently mops the corner of this chamber." Said a third Rock.

t.ogre blinked again.

"There's another one. If he keeps this up we could get a rhythm going." Said a fourth Rock.

t.ogre muttered thickly, "Holy shit... I'm... I'm in hell! Lance killed me, and I'm in hell!"

"Now, now. Relax, Mister Wrestler Man. We'll put you back under so you can finish healing up." Said one of the Rocks. He gave a nod to another Rock, saying, "Go ahead and inject him, Muerte."

That Rock nodded, and stepped forward. He branished a syringe with a needle the length of a pool cue.

"Gah! Get away from me with that thing!" t.ogre blurted, recoiling.

"Don't worry, t.ogre." His voice blurred then through the ringing in his ears, but t.ogre could've sworn the man said, "The Rock says, this won't sting a bit."

t.ogre's vision turned red, and that's about all he remembers about THAT.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Right this way, Lance, you'll see your experimentees. We've got both Brandt and t.ogre in their number, as well as a few others you might recognize. We were going to bring in this being, Nnirk, but he's far too dangerous... we're keeping him in isolation for now."

"That's fine. My beef is with Krinn anyways, not this Nnirk guy." Lance said as they jogged down the stairs into the experimentation wing, followed closely by Darkhorse.

"Alright. Annnnd... here we are." With a flourish, he pushed open the double doors, to reveal a scene of carnage. Doctors, nurses, and guards groaned and clutched at themselves. Many were bent into pretzels or twisted into knots of various complex types, from sheepshanks to Fruedian slipknots. One man had been Senton-bombed through his own face. This man, Lance realized, was Muerte. Or... what was left of him, anyways.

Lance rounded on his employer, asking coldly, "What the hell happened?"

The shadowy figure scowled. "The bastard must have escaped." Keying his cellphone, he snapped, "Muerte! Mobilize the security team to find t.ogre! And shoot yourself for incompetance!" Lance heard a gunshot from the cellphone as the shadow flipped it shut.

"I don't mind telling you, this really does very little to inspire me about the quality of your word." Lance said with deceptive softness.

"Yeah! Ye great sod!" Darkhorse snapped in support.

His employer made placating gestures. "Now, now, Lance. Look here, on the other restraint tables. For whatever reason, perhaps in a delirium, t.ogre failed to notice and free his compatriots. See, Brandt Delacroix, and Oniko... old friends of yours, I trust?"

Lance nodded, his eyes narrowing to slits.

The man went on. "These are Max and Viper, new compatriots to these fools... other sinners, for you to punish, hm?"

Lance began to nod reluctantly. There was still some good to be done here.

"And here, on the end, two new... 'friends'. Fools whom you will teach never to follow down the path of corruption which these others have followed. This is Alair," he said, gesturing at one of the tables near the end. This one held a pretty girl that stood perhaps 5'10" (when standing upright and not drugged to the gills), with brown hair and green eyes. "A psychic visitor from the future, I've, er, borrowed her from her parent corporation for this experiment. Don't worry, Self-Inserts are largely immune to psychic powers."

Moving past her, the shadow gestured at the last table. "This is Sherlock." Sherlock proved to be an anthromorph, like Lance... except his genotype was that of a feline rather than vulpine. It would have stood a little above average, with thick fur and a long tail. "This one's an alien, a martial artist, able to use ESP and ice magic- kind of a furry grab-bag."

Darkhorse said, sharply, "Now, sir, it's sexual harassment to refer to this person's scrotum as a 'furry grab-bag'."

For a long moment, the shadowy man stared at Darkhorse, before saying, perhaps more sharply, "These will be your experiments for now, until t.ogre is recovered and can be forcably introduced to pain once more. Now, head for the portal room, they will send you to the site of your experiment. By the time you get there, your experimentees will already be in their place."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Only a few minutes later, Lance and Darkhorse walked out of the portal and came out just outside of their new home for the next few... hours, perhaps.

About them was a low hill coated thickly with wild grass, whispering and rustling dramatically as the cold wind whisked through it. Behind them stood a huge mansion, a beautiful and ancient structure which loomed over the landscape. Somehow it was vaguely forboding, its gothic windows staring out balefully at a human world too cowardly to intrude on this forsaken place. Beside the entrance, a bronze plaque was set in stone, and it read in high, arching letters: WINDSWEPT MANOR.

"Well, isn't this overdramatic?" Darkhorse commented.

"Yeah, no shit. Let's get inside before we catch cold." Lance said, rubbing his hands together as he stepped up towards the door.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At that moment, in the theater, Brandt was struggling to wake up. "Ugh... what hit me? This time, I mean."

He didn't really expect an answer, so it made him jolt with surprise when Oniko said, idly, "I think a 20cc dose of sodium runningjokitol. I could be wrong though. Maybe it was 30ccs of hackneyed contrividen. I really gotta catch up on my ER before I can be sure."

"Oniko? You're here?" Brandt croaked, lifting his head and prying open his eyes.

"Yep. Not just me, either! See, there's Max. Poor dumb fucker. And Viper." Those two waved as Oniko mentioned their names, the latter already holding a Mega-Ultra-Large cup of Bloaty Cola and taking long sips from the straw.

"Uh." Brandt's brow furrowed. "No, why should I?"

Oniko sighed, muttering, "Man, I envy your coping skills. Anyways, everybody, this is Brandt "Bishie" Delacroix. I know he looks all cute an' innocent an' kitten-like, but you'll want to stay the fuck out of reach, anyways. Trust me."

"Hi, Brandt. I envy your coping skills too." Alair said sourly. "I wouldn't mind forgetting being kidnapped and held in what looks like a Victorian era theater. Do you know what they did to women in Victorian times? I read all about it in history class!" Alair said.

"No. Please. Tell us all about it." Sherlock muttered tiredly. He lay back in his seat, clutching his head. Apparently, sodium runningjokitol caused migraines in his species.

"Oh, well, see, they'd take women, and grind them up into pate, and-"

The intercom crackled to life. "That'll be quite enough of this chatter!" A familiar voice growled.

Brandt and Oniko blinked, both shooting up straight.

"Lance...?" Oniko whispered under his breath.

There was a smile in Lance's voice as he continued, "That's right, you evil little bastard! I'm baaaack!" A dramatic chord played.

Brandt blurted, "You can't be... I annihilated you!" When the others in the theater gave him an odd look, he added hurriedly, "It was an accident, I swear."

"Accident my ass... now everybody park it! I'm about to show you a god-awful fic and you dipshits are going to get to watch every single second of it. You try to squeeze your eyes shut to stop the pain, you get killed. You piss me off, you get killed. You spill your popcorn, you get killed. In fact, come to think of it, practically anything you do can and will get you killed." Lance paused, before crooning, "Especially you, Brandt. Go ahead, boy. Make a pun for me. Make my fuckin' day."

Brandt shuddered, muttering, "Yeah, uh... thanks for the offer, but I think I'll just sit here. Quietly."

"Oh? What about the rest of you?" Lance purred.

Everyone called back hurriedly, "Oh, that's okay- that's fine, we're good- yeah, what the pussy said- you mean me?- no, Sherlock, I mean Brandt, he's a pussy- Oh, I see, he DOES look kind of limpwristed-"

"Okay! Shut up! It's show time!" Lance called out, before looking over at Darkhorse. "Hit the switch, my lackey."

"Can do, Mister L." Darkhorse said with a toothy grin, hitting the On switch that was well within Lance's reach.

The riffers took their seats as the screen began to scroll the classic 10...9...8...7...6...

"Just to warn you guys, you may want to secure some suicide methods," Max said casually.

"What?" Alair demanded. "Oh, come on, it can't be THAT bad..."

"That's what everybody thinks their first time," Brandt muttered defeatedly.

...5...4...3...2...1...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Posted on Feb 25, 2004, 12:17 AM
from IP address 172.200.157.37

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Here, when you point out errors to me, don't mention this one:

by Chimera (no login)

>Brandt and Oniko blinked, both shooting up straight.
>
>"Lance...?" Oniko whispered under his breath.

I got it already. I was trying to equal out the parts more and forgot Oniko hadn't met Lance.

Posted on Feb 25, 2004, 4:40 AM
from IP address 172.200.157.37

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I browsed through it...

by Demon K. (no login)

looked good. I'll read more into it later.


Posted on Feb 25, 2004, 2:29 PM
from IP address 64.61.217.68

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Here's what I got.

by Cosmos (no login)

Yes, the first thing I do is nit-pick. (I can't help it, it's a disease). That said, I was laughing out loud at parts of this, so good job, Chimera.

------

> a mercenary of your caliber should hardly leave her penniless, correct?

'here'

------

>It wasn't easy to glimpse their contents, at the pace that the exquisitely endowed centaurs they were riding.

[Not sure, maybe?]

It wasn't easy to glimpse their contents, 'given' the pace 'of' the exquisitely endowed centaurs they were riding.

------

> Lance paused, glancing into the next window, and shuttered.

'shuddered'

------

> Lance growled. "Fucksake. Fine. I don't care. Lets get this thing started."

'Let's'

------

> t.gore gave a grin and murmured, "Okay, you son of a bitch, now
> that we're alone. Let's finish this so I can stop feeling like such
> a goddamn nerd for being here."

[t.gore? ^_^]

------

[Small question, when Shadowy guy was telling Lance about Nnirk, if Lance hasn't seen him yet, why would he assume he has any connection to Krinn?]

------

> Sherlock proved to be an anthromorph, like Lance... except his
> genotype was that of a feline rather than vulpine.

[I don't think genotype is quite the word you want to use here. It refers to a beings unique genetic makeup, two people can look remarkably the same (have the same phenotype) but still have different genotypes. </grad student lecture>]

------

> "Uh." Brandt's brow furrowed. "No, why should I?"

[Who or what (other than head trauma) is Brandt reacting to?]

------

Your usual excellent (and somewhat nauseating) work. ^_^

I have to point out though, if we're looking to trim a little length on this thing, we could cut the entire 'riding on the centaurs-seeing the experiments' bit without losing any plot.

Posted on Feb 25, 2004, 9:01 PM
from IP address 12.73.132.172

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Intro 1.1, with Cosmos' fixes (FEEL the power of fixes!)

by Chimera (no login)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Another day in oblivion.

Slowly his eyes crept open, staring up at an infinite expanse of shimmering randomness. It was like melting watercolors, dancing on all sides. The formless effluvia of uncountable alternate realities.

It really looses its charm after you're there for almost a week, it really, really does. Also it tends to have very odd effects on the functionality of the brain.

But on the plus side, he wasn't there alone.

"You certainly are not!" Said the shape which loomed up into his vision on the left side.

"Why, good morning Mister Shirt," Lance said cheerfully.

"Top o' the mornin' to you too, Lance m'boy!" Mister Shirt said in his thick Irish accent that often wandered into a Scottish accent. "You're looking well today. Not insane at all!"

"Nope! Perfectly sane."

"Perfectly!"

"Running on an even keel."

"As sound as cottage cheese lying on the sandwalk in August."

"Abso-yessie-posi-lutely!"

"Wait, which one of us is which, again? I lost track."

This happened far more often than it probably should.

"That last one was you, Lance." Pantsie said as he loomed in from the right, his zipper-lined mouth working as he spoke. "You can tell, because, you know. No accent. Also, there's the lack of buttons. And I don't think you're a 50/50 Cotton/Nylon blend. At least, not yet."

"You're right! I'm no more than 25% cotton, if I remember my biology correctly. And the only button I have, I got after that drinking contest, and- well, nevermind that. What is it we were planning to do today?"

"What do we always do, Pantsie?" Mister Shirt said, his buttons forming a grin.

Pantsie danced about. "Try to take over the worl-"

Mister Shirt and Lance took turns bitchslapping him.

"Sorry, I lost my head. Hm... I say we look at the clouds of nothingness and see what beautiful shapes we can make out."

This was, in fact, what he did every day. Every damn day. Every goddamn, stinking, worthless day. Partly because not long ago he'd lost the energy to stand, and was reduced to lying on his back. This didn't do much to reduce the view, it was the same in the other directions, too... so he didn't mind it any.

It was Lance's turn to start. "Well, let's see, that up there? That looks like t.ogre being bent over by a hydraulic press until his spine caves, forcing his face into his own sphincter, and as he dies, he can feel his ass-muscles twitching and clenching feebly around his own nose from the agony."

"Hey yeah, I can see that, laddie! That little thing off to the side being the bloodspurt, right?"

"Right in one, Mister Shirt," Lance said with a friendly smile. "And that, that there, that's Brandt being thrown into a men's maximum security prison due to some bureaucratic error, where he comes to understand the meaning of suffering at the hands of dozens if not hundreds of large, lonely prisoners, none of whom have so much as a liquid ounce of lube, not one of which wants to just cuddle, until the very sight of his body makes the guards puke and blood oozes from every orifice, and-"

"Not that we have anything against gay people," Pantsie hurriedly put in.

"Oh, no! Not at all," Lance agreed.

"Except that little asshole Brandt," Pantsie added. Pantsie was a good egg. Helped remind him of his hatreds. And God knows, there's not much else that'll keep you alive for almost a week despite a lack of food or water. Except maybe a long marathon of Babylon 5.

"Now, what about THAT cloud?" Mister Shirt querried.

"THAT one is a large dark menacing Latino man in evil-looking armor carved with cabalistic symbols and adorned with handcrafted fetishes undoubtedly gleaned from the butchered remains of the many foes he has felled in battle."

"Hola, Lance," the man said.

"Oooh, and this cloud TALKS!" Pantsie called cheerfully.

The man drew a sizable handgun, pointing it at Pantsie.

"It talks AND it has a gun! That's so cool!" Pantsie crowed. Then Pantsie added, "Ouch!" as he was blasted into a shredded cloud of fabric. Lance blinked down at his now-bared arm where it still hung in midair, fingers still cupped as if using the pants-puppet's zipper for a mouth.

"You son of a bitch! Get him, Mister Shirt!" Lance snapped, and hurled his shirt at the man.

Mister Shirt grabbed ahold of the intruder in their little rainbow world, violently wrestling back and forth with him, trying to get his sleeves up and around the man's murderous neck. All the while he shouted, "Suck my shilegleah, ye bloody gaffertoad!" And then something about, "Ye gonna ready yerself to be kissin' me blarney stones now, laddie!?" And then finally, as he reared up, about to triumphantly break his foe's neck, he screamed out, "ERIN GO BRALESS, MOTHERFUCKA-"

Except that it was about then that the man annoyedly tore Mister Shirt in half.

"AAAAGHH! YOU MURDEROUS BASTARD! HE'S GOT TWO LITTLE VESTS AND AN UNDERSHIRT AT HOME WHO DEPEND ON HIM!" Lance roared.

Mister Undies made as if to enter the fray, but the man pointed his gun at Lance's crotch, snapping, "Your Fruit of the Looms better stand down, boy!" Then transferred his aim to Lance's face.

Mister Undies decided that discretion was the better part of valor. He always HAD been a bit of a coward. Lance, however, was still pissed... waving his arms. "Yeah, big man, threatening a guy wasted away by hunger and thirst. Just come into reach! I'll teach you not to kill helpless pants in the prime of their lives-"

The man interrupted, saying sharply, "Shut up! I'm here to get you OUT of here!"

That stopped him short. After a moment, Lance asked slowly, "...You are? Just who ARE you?"

"My name is Willias Muerte IV... they call me the Great Death."

"Well Bob, let's get the fuck out of here."

Muerte gave Lance a hard look, before activating his hands-free mic and murmuring, "Going to need a planar bridge for two." He paused, as Lance waved Mister Undies wildly. Muerte sighed and added, "Make that three."

To Lance, he snapped, "Now put those back on!" Another pause, before he said into the radio, "No, no! Not you, sir! Not at all. Him." Muerte sighed, and said defeatedly, "Yes, sir."

Turning the radio off, Muerte scowled at Lance. "Are you happy now? I have to shoot myself as punishment for snapping at the boss." With that, he put his gun to his head, and blew everything from his neck up into a fine pink mist. His headless body stayed balanced and upright a moment more, before slumping to the side.

Lance blinked for a moment at the corpse, before grinning broadly, and saying, "Yes, I am. Thank you." Then a great wrenching force took hold of him and he blacked out.

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"Nnnnng..." Lance groaned out.

"It's the return of gravity that did it for you, Lance m'boy. Couldn't be avoided. But you'll be fine, now." A deep, cultured voice murmured.

"Nnnnng...?" Lance queried.

"Yes, really. You've had a dunk in our Saiyan Rejuvenation Chamber. We've got nutrients and such being pumped into you as we speak, and there's aromatherapy candles; Margerie, my acupuncturist, has all of your chi points properly stimulated; Terrance has given you a deeply clensing high colonic; Bobby's given that matted fur of yours a restorative shampooing and styling; Hadji has flensed your chakras with his ritual knives; and Akiko, my personal masseuse, is now giving you an extremely, extremely thorough massage with my favorite hand-mixed brand of warming cinnamon oils."

"Mmmmmm..." Lance groaned again, this time for entirely different reasons.

"She does have quite a nice touch, doesn't she?"

"Ooooohhh." Lance nodded in agreement. This was helping his mood, a lot.

"Okay, now that you're feeling better, I have a few words to say to you."

"Hnnnnn...?" Lance asked drowsily.

"t.ogre. Brandt Delacroix. Puns."

Lance shot up to a seated position instantly, jangling the IV bags hooked into his veins and the hundreds of slender steel needles sticking out of his skin, cinnamon massage oil dripping off his fur. His voice was a rumbling growl. "What?"

Though he was instantly aware, his eyes were more reluctant to work, after untold time staring into a shimmering rainbow hell. Where the other speaker stood, Lance could only make out a tall, slender shadow. At head level, he could make out a pair of reflections of himself... mirrored sunglasses, he realized after a moment. The man said, mildly, "I have an offer for you. If you come to work for me, help in my experiments, then you'll get those two. In chains, humiliated, heads on a platter, however you like. And I'll see to it that you're paid for your time, a mercenary of your caliber should hardly leave here penniless, correct?" There was a slight pause, before he added cheerfully, "If you don't agree, I toss you back into the void and shut the door forever. What do you say?"

For a short moment, Lance blinked at the other man, before asking, simply, "Well fuck, what do you think I'm going to say?"

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Not too long later, the the shadowy man and Lance were both riding through the corridors of the huge base Lance had woken in. As to where the base was, or its purpose, Lance could not even guess. Often they would pass by unbreakable one-way windows looking into isolated labs, and in each a different and odd activity was taking place. It wasn't easy to glimpse their contents, given the pace of the exquisitely endowed centaurs they were riding. The shadowy man had the female and availed himself of the useful handholds, Lance found himself clinging as best he could to the male without getting too grossed out. At least Lance himself wasn't naked for the ride... he'd been supplied with replacements for Mister Shirt and Pantsie, may their souls rest in peace.

"Uh, so... what about these things we're riding, here?" Lance finally had to ask.

"Oh, these? The last two centaurs in existance," his new patron said casually.

"The last?"

"Oh yes. I had all of the others annihilated. That makes this mated pair that much more valuable."

"...right," Lance found himself muttering, directing his attention to the lab they were passing. Inside, it was filled with water, and half a dozen dolphins therein swam about. They seemed to be encapsulated in streamlined body armor, with strapped-on torpedo launchers and laser guns, and were at the moment murdering largely helpless elderly swimmers.

Lance started to ask, but the shadowy man seemed to have detected the direction of Lance's gaze and smirked, saying, "Hey, a species can only tolerate being petted and squeaked at by pink bipedal freaks for so long. I'm just helping them get revenge."

"For a small fee." Lance said astutely.

"For certain services, actually," He said brightly. "You'd be astonished how much money can be made when I'm the biggest supplier of cute dolphins to the beastiality community. Care for one yourself? You look like you could still stand to unwind."

"Uh, put me down for 'none'. In fact, less than none, if that's at all possible."

"Oh, sure it's possible." He flipped open his cellphone and murmured into it, "Willias, have several dolphins killed for Lance, would you?"

A deep male voice answered promptly, "Will do, Mister R!" In the background there was the sound of a chainsaw and pained squeaks.

When Lance gave the man a horrified look, he seemed to misinterpret. "Oh, don't worry, I can feed the carcasses into my vegetarian chili. No real loss. But we'd best get rid of the witness. Willias? Kill yourself." From over the phone, there was a muffled sigh and a single gunshot.

"...right." Lance suspected he'd be saying that a lot. "So just where are we goi- what the hell's going on in there?"

Following the direction of Lance's pointed finger, the other man said innocently, "Why, that's our infant research center."

"Infant research!? But that's a barbeque! And those are real baby-back ribs! With what appears to be a delicious smokey barbeque sauce being applied to them!"

"Food companies have to research into undiscovered taste sensations all the time. Besides, you didn't say a thing about what you had at breakfast." Seeming to sense a little unease (not to mention nausea) growing in his companion, the man went on grandly, "Look, Lance. The thing is that I have obligations. An obligation to my stockholders, to the universal economy, and to myself. Perhaps a few people get hurt in the process, but somebody has to do it. Somebody has to train the next generation of serial killers via intensive sensory deprivation and virtual reality; somebody has to teach cats how to steal the breath of small children; somebody has to distribute the 'Go Crazy' pills to postal workers, Republicans, and scientists; somebody had to tip Falwell off about those damn gay Teletubbies; somebody had to cancel Star Trek; somebody had to co-ordinate rifle fire from the grassy knoll; somebody had to be there to sell those xenomorph eggs to that kindergarten; and damnit, somebody had to be there to craft and orchestrate that whole religious movement about two thousand years ago-"

"Hey, look, as long as I come out of here with the memories of two hideous deaths, I can overlook a whole lot of things." Lance paused, glancing into the next window, and shuddered. "A whole lot of big things, even when they're humping each other."

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"This is the portal room. Here, my technicians will project you to t.ogre's location. Go ahead and jump in." He gestured with a flourish.

"Uh, it looks like a giant industrial blender."

"Those are just the trans-universal tachyon emitting rotors. Oh, and nevermind the blood smeared along the walls."

Lance growled. "Fucksake. Fine. I don't care. Let's get this thing started."

Anonymous techs began to push buttons, levers were pulled, and the rotors at the far end of the tunnel began to spin into blurred discs. The motor gave off a high, whining howl, and breeze coming from the rotors to play across Lance's fur.

Lance started forward, but the man caught his arm, saying mildly, "Hold on, one last thing you're going to need sooner or later, Lance m'boy. Here." He held out a rather fancy wristwatch, "You're going to want to guard this very carefully."

"Why?" Lance asked, taking the watch. "Does it have a stopwatch function?"

The man frowned, faintly. "No, it do- okay, actually, it does, now that I think about it. But the main function is to switch your soul-toggle to Evil Self-Insertion Mode."

Lance blinked, twisting to look over at the other. "What?"

"Well, at the moment, you're in Heel-Turn Villian Mode, which isn't an infrequent upgrade for many Anti-Heroes. This means that you're going to inevitably either be defeated, because all villians get theirs in the end, or you're going to be converted back to good through some contrived method. Usually this entails a blow to the head to 'fix' your brain, a'la just about every cartoon in the 80's. Or possibly it will involve a few hackneyed, cliche-laiden speeches to remind you of the honor and glory you used to be party to. Or God forbid, a fucking intervention. In other words, no matter what, you're screwed."

Lance stared blankly, so the man went on.

"This, however, will turn you into an Evil Self-Insertion. This means that the author clearly favors you and thus you'll win out in virtually any situation. Hell, it would take god-like power to even cause you mild humiliation, and this will always be quickly retified. You'll be simply unbeatable... and we won't have to worry about a repeat of those last.... incidents."

Lance considered the watch, before asking in a dazed tone, "Are there any side-effects?"

"Mainly there's the problem that you'll come up with a really shitty catchphrase and you'll spout it at least once or twice an episode just before facing off with somebody. You'll want to watch out for that."

"Huh." Lance strapped the watch securely around his wrist. "I don't feel any different. Except there's this sudden odd rush of confidance and feelings of omnipotence."

"Yeah, you'll get that. Now, get along in there and kick t.ogre's ass."

Lance nodded, and started into the portal.

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At that moment, the furthest thing from t.ogre's mind was Lance, or bad movies, or even wrestling.

"Go, Frodo! RUUUN!" t.ogre bellowed as he brought Whack, the ancient elven runic steel chair, up over his head, threatening the horrid thing advancing from the cave mouth towards them on its many legs. The chair glowed with a cold blue light.

"But t, you're sure to be killed!" Frodo protested where he stood at t.ogre's side with his sword Sting, the blade glowing like t.ogre's.

"This? This is nothing after a hardcore Dusty Rhodes match! Go!"

Frodo hesitated a moment more, before nodding and darting off behind t.ogre. t.ogre gave a grin and murmured, "Okay, you son of a bitch, now that we're alone. Let's finish this so I can stop feeling like such a goddamn nerd for being here."

As if understanding him, the horror rose up on its hind hairs, displaying its glue-sticky underbelly and waving tangled tendrils of hair. A thick growl came out of it, that almost sounded like words, given in a strange, stacatto pattern. "You... DO NOT... understand, how badly... I will kick your... ass... you... wrestling pussy..."

t.ogre growled low. "You damn evil hairpiece, I don't even know how you got away from William Shatner, but he'll have to go to hell to get you back!" And with that, he charged, his chair coming around... only to see the hairpiece get suddenly pierced from behind by the slim blade of a katana. "What? ...LANCE!?"

The mercenary fox-man stepped from the shadows, slinging the hairpiece from the tip of his katana into the darkness. t.ogre's eyes involentarily followed its flightpath... how had Lance killed this unkillable beast with such supernatural ease? His gaze shot back to Lance, as the mercenary took up an offensive stance, whispering coldly, "Finally, my revenge be upon ye, t.ogre. Justice's blade shall not be merciful!" With this, he leapt at t.ogre, his katana slashing out.

t.ogre does not remember the fight well, only in pictures. Memories of being helplessly slapped around with the flat of Lance's sword, of having his flesh being playfully slashed in a dozen places, his clothes cut away. In the end, he lay dazed and nearly dead on the floor of the cave. A contemptuous flick of Lance's sword caught Whack and tossed it aside. The katana leapt up with supernatural agility to touch lightly beneath t.ogre's chin. The wrestler instinctively lifted his head back from the lethal edge, but the sword moved with, touching lightly on his skin.

"Now... you die." Lance murmured softly, starting to very, very slowly push his sword forward. He wanted this to last.

"Excellent job, Lance! Now step away so we can secure the prisoner."

Under normal circumstances, Lance would have ignored the voice, or simply thrust home in order to ensure that he got his kill before he was restrained. Except that this voice reduced him to gasping, his eyes bugging out as he stammered, "Muerte!?"

"Willias Muerte VI. At your service. Now put the pointy down so we can torture him inhumanely, okay?"

Lance's eyes narrowed coldly. "We can't take that risk. I have to destroy him now!"

"Do I get a say in this?" t.ogre slurred out weakly.

"Are you fucking kidding? Somebody portal him outta here." Muerte said drily, before a portal sprung open and swallowed up t.ogre just as Lance was pushing his sword home. The swordblade thrust through the glow impotently, drawing no blood.

Lance rounded on Muerte, hissing through gritted teeth, "My revenge be upon ye, Muerte! Justice's blade shall not be merciful!" And proceeded to slit Muerte from his buttocks to his neck and rip his spine out. Blinking down at the bloody spine, he muttered, "Okay, maybe that was going too far." Then a portal took hold of him and stole him away.

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"What the hell was that!?" Lance demanded as he popped back into the shadowed man's base.

"I told you, Lance. You can have him AFTER I'm done with him, not before." He held up a hand, grinning broadly. "I can assure you, Lance... we will not be doing anything to him that he will enjoy. Consider it some small compensation for his sins before you deliver the coup de grace."

"Koo day grah?"

"It's a French thing. You're too manly to get it. Nevermind. Why not have a drink in the Employee Lounge, I'll call you when we need you again."

With a frustrated sigh, Lance nodded his agreement and started down the stairs he was directed towards.

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The lounge turned out to be somewhat like Lance envisioned, having spent some time in the interdimensional nexus that was Dream City. Creatures of all manner and description ranged throughout the immense chamber. The walls were drab green concrete, the floor was tiled in an unrecoverably stained white, and the ceiling was coated in accoustic panels and banks of flourescent lights even MORE stained. There was only one feature in the room (apart from the long cafeteria counter, cash registers, tables, and their occupants, and some doors to get in and out of room, and all the litter, and... look, you get the goddamn idea), and this was a huge digital display high up on one wall. It worked much like a stadium scoreboard, using backlit red dots. At the moment it was displaying a counter that currently read at 27 seconds. A little board next to the counter read, "Time Since Last World Consumed".

At 29 seconds, the timer restarted at 00:00:00. Before it got to 00:00:13, it restarted again. Each time it did, a ear-shatteringly loud buzzer would sound and balloons and party streamers would flood down from the ceiling, and all of the occupants of the room would absently pick up a nearby horn or rattle or noisemaker or kazoo and use it passionlessly. Then they would set it down, flick the streamers and balloons off their food (or not, depending on how picky they were) and go on eating.

After a moment of staring, Lance shrugged inwardly and went to the counter. He steered a wide birth around the baby back ribs and vegetarian chilli, considered the haggis before deciding that the odds of it being from an actual sheep were miniscule. And besides, he wasn't nearly crazy enough to eat it if it were real. In the end, he settled for a slice of cheesecake drizzled with cherry sauce. As he got to the register, they waved him through without a charge, though one person shoved a rattle in his free hand before he could avoid it.

Turning resignedly, he looked out over the cafeteria for a place to sit down.

Off to one side, Muerte waved, smiling. Lance studiously, even meticulously ignored him and headed for one of a pair of empty seats. As he started that way, a small winged creature took one of them. It seemed to be some kind of reptile judging from its scaley nature. And it could have, if Lance were less of a wuss, been described as 'cute'. He/she/it was having what looked like a slice of pizza, holding the slice with its tail as it greeted friends. Set on the plate still was a noisemaker with a colorful paper roll.

Lance sat beside it, setting down his rattle and plate, and was just about to take a bite from his cheesecake when the buzzer went off. He winced, glaring up at the counter.

"Oh hell. Oh bloody hell. Oh bloody hell!" The creature beside him muttered with growing panic. His thick British accent was apparent despite the fear lacing his tone. He had set the noisemaker to his lips and was blowing it with greater and greater desperation. His snout, however, refused to form a tight enough seal, and all he got were hissing noises. Lance blinked over at him, wondering what the fuss was.

That's when the shadow fell over them. "PLEASE MAKE USE OF YOUR NOISEMAKER. YOU HAVE 20 SECONDS TO COMPLY." Lance whipped around and found himself staring down the barrel of a 7.62mm machine gun, mounted on the side of an immense bipedal robot.

He snorted, asking sardonically, "Don't you know the boss says I'm immortal?" Beside him, the scaled thing counterpointed Lance's bravado with quick blowing hisses.

"YOUR CIVIL RIGHTS ARE CURRENTLY REVOKED. YOU HAVE FIFTEEN SECONDS TO COMPLY."

"Fuck... you better do what he says, man!" The scaled creature blurted, before going back to blowing into his noisemaker.

"IF YOU CANNOT AFFORD A COFFIN, A MASS GRAVE WILL BE APPOINTED FOR YOU. YOU HAVE TEN SECONDS TO COMPLY."

Lance eyed his rattle, eyed the scaled creature's noisemaker, before casually swapping the two.

"AMMUNITION SELECTION COMPLETED - CYANIDE-TIPPED MEGA-EXPLOSIVE NITROGLYCERINE HYPERVELOCITY SHELLS SELECTED. YOU HAVE FIVE SECONDS TO COMPLY."

Setting the noisemaker to his more flexible snout, he blew out a flat, unenthusiastic note towards the camera pickup of the robot, as the scaled creature frantically swung the rattle about. With that, the robot turned, and marched off towards another person who was having trouble with his kazoo.

"Man, thanks a lot!" The scaled creature said, reaching out to shake Lance's hand. When Lance gave his hand up, the scaled creature shook it rapidly, saying, "But, uh, if you were immortal, why did you bother to blow it yourself?"

"And get my clothes chewed up? Hell with that. What is it with all the noise and the counter, anyways?"

"Well, the boss thinks it's good for employee moral if they share in the sense of triumph he recieves every time he continues in his quest to stomp out all that's good in the universe. Again though, I gotta thank you."

"Uh, I was also wondering why you had a noisemaker, when you should know by now you can't use it." Lance asked with a frown.

'That's not my fault. You have to use whatever noise device you're given. To maintain the harmony, you understand. And nearly nobody is brave enough to trade 'em... if the boss catches you, will, that's it, you'll snuff it. Just like that."

"Huh. Anyways, what's your name? And, uh, what are you?"

The scaled creature grinned. "My name's Darkhorse, I'm what's referred to as a Pterid. You can call me DHP, if you want. Or Darkhorse. Or Darkie, but some people might think that's racist, and nobody wants that. Or Horsie, I guess, but then people will think I'm giving you piggy-back rides all the time like some little kid. Or maybe Pterie? Sort of like a petri dish, but, uh, completely different. Except that I guess I do hold some bacteria, I mean, who doesn't? And-"

Lance swiftly broke in, "Okay, okay! I get it, Dark. My name's Lance." He paused, considering the Pterid. "So tell me, what're you doing here?"

Dark started to speak when the buzzer sounded again. The rattle was picked up and shook. Even as he did, he went on, "Well, I, uh, can't exactly tell you. Partly I'm working to get enough money for... for something. The thing I can't tell you about. Once I have the money, I can hire some people here, to, er. Y'know."

"Yeah, the thing you can't tell me."

"Bingo."

"Look, Dark... You know, I could use somebody to watch my back around here. I have a feeling that I might get skunked one of these days... and I don't really have a lot more to use my paycheck towards. What do you say?"

"It's the least I can do." Dark said with a smile. "Now, when do I start watching your back?"

"Uh, right now." Lance said, taking a generous bite of his cheesecake.

"Oh, well then, my first duty will be to tell you that that's not cheesecake."

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Across the room, Muerte VII was still eating his babyback ribs, watching idly as Lance spit out a mouthful of cake and frantically wiped at his tongue with his napkin, at least until the Pterid said something about 'that napkin's not made out of cloth'.

Slowly, the shadow behead Muerte grew thicker, until it was the size of a man. From it issued a quiet murmur, "Now, look at how he's already abusing the gifts I've given him, hiring that little gimp on! You'll have to watch him close for me, Muerte. Very close indeed."

Muerte nodded without looking up, a hand casually sliding down to his hip to check on the safety strap on his pistol. Yeah, this was a duty he could come to like.

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At that very moment, t.ogre was waking up on the table to which he'd been strapped. Most of his wounds were partly healed by advanced technology, but the powerful anesthetics which still swirled through his system left him heavily dazed. Slowly his eyes blinked open, only barely able to make out the smeared blur of a accoustic-tiled ceiling, and a face.

"How are you doing today, Mister t.ogre?" Asked the Rock.

t.ogre blinked.

"Well, he's awake, I just saw him blink." Said another Rock.

"Indeed, he did. Phil can see the blink, even from where Phil diligently mops the corner of this chamber." Said a third Rock.

t.ogre blinked again.

"There's another one. If he keeps this up we could get a rhythm going." Said a fourth Rock.

t.ogre muttered thickly, "Holy shit... I'm... I'm in hell! Lance killed me, and I'm in hell!"

"Now, now. Relax, Mister Wrestler Man. We'll put you back under so you can finish healing up." Said one of the Rocks. He gave a nod to another Rock, saying, "Go ahead and inject him, Muerte."

That Rock nodded, and stepped forward. He branished a syringe with a needle the length of a pool cue.

"Gah! Get away from me with that thing!" t.ogre blurted, recoiling.

"Don't worry, t.ogre." His voice blurred then through the ringing in his ears, but t.ogre could've sworn the man said, "The Rock says, this won't sting a bit."

t.ogre's vision turned red, and that's about all he remembers about THAT.

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"Right this way, Lance, you'll see your experimentees. We've got both Brandt and t.ogre in their number, as well as a few others you might recognize. We were going to bring in this being, Nnirk, who is some form of demon. He's far too dangerous, however... we're keeping him in isolation for now."

"That's fine. Only demon I've got a beef with is Krinn anyways, not this Nnirk guy." Lance said as they jogged down the stairs into the experimentation wing, followed closely by Darkhorse.

"Alright. Annnnd... here we are." With a flourish, he pushed open the double doors, to reveal a scene of carnage. Doctors, nurses, and guards groaned and clutched at themselves. Many were bent into pretzels or twisted into knots of various complex types, from sheepshanks to Fruedian slipknots. One man had been Senton-bombed through his own face. This man, Lance realized, was Muerte. Or... what was left of him, anyways.

Lance rounded on his employer, asking coldly, "What the hell happened?"

The shadowy figure scowled. "The bastard must have escaped." Keying his cellphone, he snapped, "Muerte! Mobilize the security team to find t.ogre! And shoot yourself for incompetance!" Lance heard a gunshot from the cellphone as the shadow flipped it shut.

"I don't mind telling you, this really does very little to inspire me about the quality of your word." Lance said with deceptive softness.

"Yeah! Ye great sod!" Darkhorse snapped in support.

His employer made placating gestures. "Now, now, Lance. Look here, on the other restraint tables. For whatever reason, perhaps in a delirium, t.ogre failed to notice and free his compatriots. See, Brandt Delacroix, and Oniko... old friends of yours, I trust?"

Lance nodded, his eyes narrowing to slits.

The man went on. "These are Max and Viper, new compatriots to these fools... other sinners, for you to punish, hm?"

Lance began to nod reluctantly. There was still some good to be done here.

"And here, on the end, two new... 'friends'. Fools whom you will teach never to follow down the path of corruption which these others have followed. This is Alair," he said, gesturing at one of the tables near the end. This one held a pretty girl that stood perhaps 5'10" (when standing upright and not drugged to the gills), with brown hair and green eyes. "A psychic visitor from the future, I've, er, borrowed her from her parent corporation for this experiment. Don't worry, Self-Inserts are largely immune to psychic powers."

Moving past her, the shadow gestured at the last table. "This is Sherlock." Sherlock proved to be an anthromorph, like Lance... except his yiffytype was that of a feline rather than vulpine. It would have stood a little above average, with thick fur and a long tail. "This one's an alien, a martial artist, able to use ESP and ice magic- kind of a furry grab-bag."

Darkhorse said, sharply, "Now, sir, it's sexual harassment to refer to this person's scrotum as a 'furry grab-bag'."

For a long moment, the shadowy man stared at Darkhorse, before saying, perhaps more sharply, "These will be your experiments for now, until t.ogre is recovered and can be forcably introduced to pain once more. Now, head for the portal room, they will send you to the site of your experiment. By the time you get there, your experimentees will already be in their place."

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Only a few minutes later, Lance and Darkhorse walked out of the portal and came out just outside of their new home for the next few... hours, perhaps.

About them was a low hill coated thickly with wild grass, whispering and rustling dramatically as the cold wind whisked through it. Behind them stood a huge mansion, a beautiful and ancient structure which loomed over the landscape. Somehow it was vaguely forboding, its gothic windows staring out balefully at a human world too cowardly to intrude on this forsaken place. Beside the entrance, a bronze plaque was set in stone, and it read in high, arching letters: WINDSWEPT MANOR.

"Well, isn't this overdramatic?" Darkhorse commented.

"Yeah, no shit. Let's get inside before we catch cold." Lance said, rubbing his hands together as he stepped up towards the door.

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At that moment, in the theater, Brandt was struggling to wake up. "Ugh... what hit me? This time, I mean."

He didn't really expect an answer, so it made him jolt with surprise when Oniko said, idly, "I think a 20cc dose of sodium runningjokitol. I could be wrong though. Maybe it was 30ccs of hackneyed contrividen. I really gotta catch up on my ER before I can be sure."

"Oniko? You're here?" Brandt croaked, lifting his head and prying open his eyes.

"Yep. Not just me, either! See, there's Max. Poor dumb fucker. And Viper. Remember them?" Those two waved as Oniko mentioned their names, the latter already holding a Mega-Ultra-Large cup of Bloaty Cola and taking long sips from the straw.

"Uh." Brandt's brow furrowed. "No, why should I?"

Oniko sighed, muttering, "Man, I envy your coping skills. Anyways, everybody, this is Brandt "Bishie" Delacroix. I know he looks all cute an' innocent an' kitten-like, but you'll want to stay the fuck out of reach, anyways. Trust me."

"Hi, Brandt. I envy your coping skills too." Alair said sourly. "I wouldn't mind forgetting being kidnapped and held in what looks like a Victorian era theater. Do you know what they did to women in Victorian times? I read all about it in history class!" Alair said.

"No. Please. Tell us all about it." Sherlock muttered tiredly. He lay back in his seat, clutching his head. Apparently, sodium runningjokitol caused migraines in his species.

"Oh, well, see, they'd take women, and grind them up into pate, and-"

The intercom crackled to life. "That'll be quite enough of this chatter!" A familiar voice growled.

Brandt blinked, shooting up straight. "Lance...?" He whispered under his breath. Oniko shot him a confused look.

There was a smile in Lance's voice as he continued, "That's right, you evil little bastard! I'm baaaack!" A dramatic chord played.

Brandt blurted, "You can't be... I annihilated you!" When the others in the theater gave him an odd look, he added hurriedly, "It was an accident, I swear."

"Jesus, you just have to blow up everything, don'cha?" Oniko asked irritably.

"Accident my ass... now everybody park it! I'm about to show you a god-awful fic and you dipshits are going to get to watch every single second of it. You try to squeeze your eyes shut to stop the pain, you get killed. You piss me off, you get killed. You spill your popcorn, you get killed. In fact, come to think of it, practically anything you do can and will get you killed." Lance paused, before crooning, "Especially you, Brandt. Go ahead, boy. Make a pun for me. Make my fuckin' day."

Brandt shuddered, muttering, "Yeah, uh... thanks for the offer, but I think I'll just sit here. Quietly."

"Oh? What about the rest of you?" Lance purred.

Everyone called back hurriedly, "Oh, that's okay- that's fine, we're good- yeah, what the pussy said- you mean me?- no, Sherlock, I mean Brandt, he's a pussy- Oh, I see, he DOES look kind of limpwristed-"

"Okay! Shut up! It's show time!" Lance called out, before looking over at Darkhorse. "Hit the switch, my lackey."

"Can do, Mister L." Darkhorse said with a toothy grin, hitting the On switch that was well within Lance's reach.

The riffers took their seats as the screen began to scroll the classic 10...9...8...7...6...

"Just to warn you guys, you may want to secure some suicide methods," Max said casually.

"What?" Alair demanded. "Oh, come on, it can't be THAT bad..."

"That's what everybody thinks their first time," Brandt muttered defeatedly.

...5...4...3...2...1...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Posted on Feb 25, 2004, 10:52 PM
from IP address 172.171.52.142

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*Well* now.

by Lysander (no login)

So I think, "Hmm, maybe I should check the QS MiSTing board?" Then I thought "Naaaaah, nothing ever happens there." And then I thought "But why not check anyway?"

And I find... this.

You, my man, are a funny, funny person. I conceed to your infanitly supperior humor gland. Awesome.

As far as length is concerned, I, personally, would not worry about it. I've never complained that something's too long; if its funny, I just want more of it. Hell, when I was reading MOT I actually looked forward to the skits more than the MiSTing of the fic itself.

So... yeah. Good work there. Give Thief a sex treat. Or something. Just... away from me, please.

Posted on Feb 26, 2004, 10:52 AM
from IP address 208.151.120.30

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That, sir, was a work of art. [nt]

by Schwere Viper (no login)

...even if I was unusually quiet.

Posted on Feb 27, 2004, 6:07 AM
from IP address 211.26.98.3

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I hate your rotten, filthy, stinking guts...

by Shade (no login)

But mainly because this makes what I had written look like the collective works of RyogaMKN.

Nice going, Chim-Chim. Yes, Lance was *mad* out-of-character, but I forgive it because he's been that way from the start and I never did anything about it, and the fact that he's (more) insane this episode.

Plus the fact that it was the funniest Goddamn thing I've read in years.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go wallow in my own feelings of inadequacy.

Posted on Feb 27, 2004, 11:50 PM
from IP address 152.163.253.3

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Hey, hey, don't feel inadaquete, I liked your extro for ep 104.

by Chimera (no login)

Anyways, if you've got any specific dialogue/mannerism changes to make Lance a little more in character, I'd do my best to incorporate it. (Though of course as you said, keeping in mind that he's undergone a fairly mind-warping experience.)

Posted on Feb 28, 2004, 10:01 PM
from IP address 172.149.6.142

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Naw, don't worry about it.

by Shade (no login)

And, for the record, the extro to ep 103 didn't do much other then get through that part of the story with a few laughs. You, you can do that with thick layers of funny.

I'm just not a humor writer, s'all.

Posted on Feb 29, 2004, 12:28 AM
from IP address 64.12.96.198

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Intro 1.2. (99% of the changes are in the last bit). Avatars talk more, theater described.

by Chimera (no login)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Another day in oblivion.

Slowly his eyes crept open, staring up at an infinite expanse of shimmering randomness. It was like melting watercolors, dancing on all sides. The formless effluvia of uncountable alternate realities.

It really looses its charm after you're there for almost a week, it really, really does. Also it tends to have very odd effects on the functionality of the brain.

But on the plus side, he wasn't there alone.

"You certainly are not!" Said the shape which loomed up into his vision on the left side.

"Why, good morning Mister Shirt," Lance said cheerfully.

"Top o' the mornin' to you too, Lance m'boy!" Mister Shirt said in his thick Irish accent that often wandered into a Scottish accent. "You're looking well today. Not insane at all!"

"Nope! Perfectly sane."

"Perfectly!"

"Running on an even keel."

"As sound as cottage cheese lying on the sandwalk in August."

"Abso-yessie-posi-lutely!"

"Wait, which one of us is which, again? I lost track."

This happened far more often than it probably should.

"That last one was you, Lance." Pantsie said as he loomed in from the right, his zipper-lined mouth working as he spoke. "You can tell, because, you know. No accent. Also, there's the lack of buttons. And I don't think you're a 50/50 Cotton/Nylon blend. At least, not yet."

"You're right! I'm no more than 25% cotton, if I remember my biology correctly. And the only button I have, I got after that drinking contest, and- well, nevermind that. What is it we were planning to do today?"

"What do we always do, Pantsie?" Mister Shirt said, his buttons forming a grin.

Pantsie danced about. "Try to take over the worl-"

Mister Shirt and Lance took turns bitchslapping him.

"Sorry, I lost my head. Hm... I say we look at the clouds of nothingness and see what beautiful shapes we can make out."

This was, in fact, what he did every day. Every damn day. Every goddamn, stinking, worthless day. Partly because not long ago he'd lost the energy to stand, and was reduced to lying on his back. This didn't do much to reduce the view, it was the same in the other directions, too... so he didn't mind it any.

It was Lance's turn to start. "Well, let's see, that up there? That looks like t.ogre being bent over by a hydraulic press until his spine caves, forcing his face into his own sphincter, and as he dies, he can feel his ass-muscles twitching and clenching feebly around his own nose from the agony."

"Hey yeah, I can see that, laddie! That little thing off to the side being the bloodspurt, right?"

"Right in one, Mister Shirt," Lance said with a friendly smile. "And that, that there, that's Brandt being thrown into a men's maximum security prison due to some bureaucratic error, where he comes to understand the meaning of suffering at the hands of dozens if not hundreds of large, lonely prisoners, none of whom have so much as a liquid ounce of lube, not one of which wants to just cuddle, until the very sight of his body makes the guards puke and blood oozes from every orifice, and-"

"Not that we have anything against gay people," Pantsie hurriedly put in.

"Oh, no! Not at all," Lance agreed.

"Except that little asshole Brandt," Pantsie added. Pantsie was a good egg. Helped remind him of his hatreds. And God knows, there's not much else that'll keep you alive for almost a week despite a lack of food or water. Except maybe a long marathon of Babylon 5.

"Now, what about THAT cloud?" Mister Shirt querried.

"THAT one is a large dark menacing Latino man in evil-looking armor carved with cabalistic symbols and adorned with handcrafted fetishes undoubtedly gleaned from the butchered remains of the many foes he has felled in battle."

"Hola, Lance," the man said.

"Oooh, and this cloud TALKS!" Pantsie called cheerfully.

The man drew a sizable handgun, pointing it at Pantsie.

"It talks AND it has a gun! That's so cool!" Pantsie crowed. Then Pantsie added, "Ouch!" as he was blasted into a shredded cloud of fabric. Lance blinked down at his now-bared arm where it still hung in midair, fingers still cupped as if using the pants-puppet's zipper for a mouth.

"You son of a bitch! Get him, Mister Shirt!" Lance snapped, and hurled his shirt at the man.

Mister Shirt grabbed ahold of the intruder in their little rainbow world, violently wrestling back and forth with him, trying to get his sleeves up and around the man's murderous neck. All the while he shouted, "Suck my shilegleah, ye bloody gaffertoad!" And then something about, "Ye gonna ready yerself to be kissin' me blarney stones now, laddie!?" And then finally, as he reared up, about to triumphantly break his foe's neck, he screamed out, "ERIN GO BRALESS, MOTHERFUCKA-"

Except that it was about then that the man annoyedly tore Mister Shirt in half.

"AAAAGHH! YOU MURDEROUS BASTARD! HE'S GOT TWO LITTLE VESTS AND AN UNDERSHIRT AT HOME WHO DEPEND ON HIM!" Lance roared.

Mister Undies made as if to enter the fray, but the man pointed his gun at Lance's crotch, snapping, "Your Fruit of the Looms better stand down, boy!" Then transferred his aim to Lance's face.

Mister Undies decided that discretion was the better part of valor. He always HAD been a bit of a coward. Lance, however, was still pissed... waving his arms. "Yeah, big man, threatening a guy wasted away by hunger and thirst. Just come into reach! I'll teach you not to kill helpless pants in the prime of their lives-"

The man interrupted, saying sharply, "Shut up! I'm here to get you OUT of here!"

That stopped him short. After a moment, Lance asked slowly, "...You are? Just who ARE you?"

"My name is Willias Muerte IV... they call me the Great Death."

"Well Bob, let's get the fuck out of here."

Muerte gave Lance a hard look, before activating his hands-free mic and murmuring, "Going to need a planar bridge for two." He paused, as Lance waved Mister Undies wildly. Muerte sighed and added, "Make that three."

To Lance, he snapped, "Now put those back on!" Another pause, before he said into the radio, "No, no! Not you, sir! Not at all. Him." Muerte sighed, and said defeatedly, "Yes, sir."

Turning the radio off, Muerte scowled at Lance. "Are you happy now? I have to shoot myself as punishment for snapping at the boss." With that, he put his gun to his head, and blew everything from his neck up into a fine pink mist. His headless body stayed balanced and upright a moment more, before slumping to the side.

Lance blinked for a moment at the corpse, before grinning broadly, and saying, "Yes, I am. Thank you." Then a great wrenching force took hold of him and he blacked out.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Nnnnng..." Lance groaned out.

"It's the return of gravity that did it for you, Lance m'boy. Couldn't be avoided. But you'll be fine, now." A deep, cultured voice murmured.

"Nnnnng...?" Lance queried.

"Yes, really. You've had a dunk in our Saiyan Rejuvenation Chamber. We've got nutrients and such being pumped into you as we speak, and there's aromatherapy candles; Margerie, my acupuncturist, has all of your chi points properly stimulated; Terrance has given you a deeply clensing high colonic; Bobby's given that matted fur of yours a restorative shampooing and styling; Hadji has flensed your chakras with his ritual knives; and Akiko, my personal masseuse, is now giving you an extremely, extremely thorough massage with my favorite hand-mixed brand of warming cinnamon oils."

"Mmmmmm..." Lance groaned again, this time for entirely different reasons.

"She does have quite a nice touch, doesn't she?"

"Ooooohhh." Lance nodded in agreement. This was helping his mood, a lot.

"Okay, now that you're feeling better, I have a few words to say to you."

"Hnnnnn...?" Lance asked drowsily.

"t.ogre. Brandt Delacroix. Puns."

Lance shot up to a seated position instantly, jangling the IV bags hooked into his veins and the hundreds of slender steel needles sticking out of his skin, cinnamon massage oil dripping off his fur. His voice was a rumbling growl. "What?"

Though he was instantly aware, his eyes were more reluctant to work, after untold time staring into a shimmering rainbow hell. Where the other speaker stood, Lance could only make out a tall, slender shadow. At head level, he could make out a pair of reflections of himself... mirrored sunglasses, he realized after a moment. The man said, mildly, "I have an offer for you. If you come to work for me, help in my experiments, then you'll get those two. In chains, humiliated, heads on a platter, however you like. And I'll see to it that you're paid for your time, a mercenary of your caliber should hardly leave here penniless, correct?" There was a slight pause, before he added cheerfully, "If you don't agree, I toss you back into the void and shut the door forever. What do you say?"

For a short moment, Lance blinked at the other man, before asking, simply, "Well fuck, what do you think I'm going to say?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not too long later, the the shadowy man and Lance were both riding through the corridors of the huge base Lance had woken in. As to where the base was, or its purpose, Lance could not even guess. Often they would pass by unbreakable one-way windows looking into isolated labs, and in each a different and odd activity was taking place. It wasn't easy to glimpse their contents, given the pace of the exquisitely endowed centaurs they were riding. The shadowy man had the female and availed himself of the useful handholds, Lance found himself clinging as best he could to the male without getting too grossed out. At least Lance himself wasn't naked for the ride... he'd been supplied with replacements for Mister Shirt and Pantsie, may their souls rest in peace.

"Uh, so... what about these things we're riding, here?" Lance finally had to ask.

"Oh, these? The last two centaurs in existance," his new patron said casually.

"The last?"

"Oh yes. I had all of the others annihilated. That makes this mated pair that much more valuable."

"...right," Lance found himself muttering, directing his attention to the lab they were passing. Inside, it was filled with water, and half a dozen dolphins therein swam about. They seemed to be encapsulated in streamlined body armor, with strapped-on torpedo launchers and laser guns, and were at the moment murdering largely helpless elderly swimmers.

Lance started to ask, but the shadowy man seemed to have detected the direction of Lance's gaze and smirked, saying, "Hey, a species can only tolerate being petted and squeaked at by pink bipedal freaks for so long. I'm just helping them get revenge."

"For a small fee." Lance said astutely.

"For certain services, actually," He said brightly. "You'd be astonished how much money can be made when I'm the biggest supplier of cute dolphins to the beastiality community. Care for one yourself? You look like you could still stand to unwind."

"Uh, put me down for 'none'. In fact, less than none, if that's at all possible."

"Oh, sure it's possible." He flipped open his cellphone and murmured into it, "Willias, have several dolphins killed for Lance, would you?"

A deep male voice answered promptly, "Will do, Mister R!" In the background there was the sound of a chainsaw and pained squeaks.

When Lance gave the man a horrified look, he seemed to misinterpret. "Oh, don't worry, I can feed the carcasses into my vegetarian chili. No real loss. But we'd best get rid of the witness. Willias? Kill yourself." From over the phone, there was a muffled sigh and a single gunshot.

"...right." Lance suspected he'd be saying that a lot. "So just where are we goi- what the hell's going on in there?"

Following the direction of Lance's pointed finger, the other man said innocently, "Why, that's our infant research center."

"Infant research!? But that's a barbeque! And those are real baby-back ribs! With what appears to be a delicious smokey barbeque sauce being applied to them!"

"Food companies have to research into undiscovered taste sensations all the time. Besides, you didn't say a thing about what you had at breakfast." Seeming to sense a little unease (not to mention nausea) growing in his companion, the man went on grandly, "Look, Lance. The thing is that I have obligations. An obligation to my stockholders, to the universal economy, and to myself. Perhaps a few people get hurt in the process, but somebody has to do it. Somebody has to train the next generation of serial killers via intensive sensory deprivation and virtual reality; somebody has to teach cats how to steal the breath of small children; somebody has to distribute the 'Go Crazy' pills to postal workers, Republicans, and scientists; somebody had to tip Falwell off about those damn gay Teletubbies; somebody had to cancel Star Trek; somebody had to co-ordinate rifle fire from the grassy knoll; somebody had to be there to sell those xenomorph eggs to that kindergarten; and damnit, somebody had to be there to craft and orchestrate that whole religious movement about two thousand years ago-"

"Hey, look, as long as I come out of here with the memories of Brandt and t.ogre's hideous deaths, I can overlook a whole lot of things." Lance paused, glancing into the next window, and shuddered. "A whole lot of big things, even when they're humping each other."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"This is the portal room. Here, my technicians will project you to t.ogre's location. Go ahead and jump in." He gestured with a flourish.

"Uh, it looks like a giant industrial blender."

"Those are just the trans-universal tachyon emitting rotors. Oh, and nevermind the blood smeared along the walls."

Lance growled. "Fucksake. Fine. I don't care. Let's get this thing started."

Anonymous techs began to push buttons, levers were pulled, and the rotors at the far end of the tunnel began to spin into blurred discs. The motor gave off a high, whining howl, and breeze coming from the rotors to play across Lance's fur.

Lance started forward, but the man caught his arm, saying mildly, "Hold on, one last thing you're going to need sooner or later, Lance m'boy. Here." He held out a rather fancy wristwatch, "You're going to want to guard this very carefully."

"Why?" Lance asked, taking the watch. "Does it have a stopwatch function?"

The man frowned, faintly. "No, it do- okay, actually, it does, now that I think about it. But the main function is to switch your soul-toggle to Evil Self-Insertion Mode."

Lance blinked, twisting to look over at the other. "What?"

"Well, at the moment, you're in Heel-Turn Villian Mode, which isn't an infrequent upgrade for many Anti-Heroes. This means that you're going to inevitably either be defeated, because all villians get theirs in the end, or you're going to be converted back to good through some contrived method. Usually this entails a blow to the head to 'fix' your brain, a'la just about every cartoon in the 80's. Or possibly it will involve a few hackneyed, cliche-laiden speeches to remind you of the honor and glory you used to be party to. Or God forbid, a fucking intervention. In other words, no matter what, you're screwed."

Lance stared blankly, so the man went on.

"This, however, will turn you into an Evil Self-Insertion. This means that the author clearly favors you and thus you'll win out in virtually any situation. Hell, it would take god-like power to even cause you mild humiliation, and this will always be quickly retified. You'll be simply unbeatable... and we won't have to worry about a repeat of those last.... incidents."

Lance considered the watch, before asking in a dazed tone, "Are there any side-effects?"

"Mainly there's the problem that you'll come up with a really shitty catchphrase and you'll spout it at least once or twice an episode just before facing off with somebody. You'll want to watch out for that."

"Huh." Lance strapped the watch securely around his wrist. "I don't feel any different. Except there's this sudden odd rush of confidance and feelings of omnipotence."

"Yeah, you'll get that. Now, get along in there and kick t.ogre's ass."

Lance nodded, and started into the portal.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At that moment, the furthest thing from t.ogre's mind was Lance, or bad movies, or even wrestling.

"Go, Frodo! RUUUN!" t.ogre bellowed as he brought Whack, the ancient elven runic steel chair, up over his head, threatening the horrid thing advancing from the cave mouth towards them on its many legs. The chair glowed with a cold blue light.

"But t, you're sure to be killed!" Frodo protested where he stood at t.ogre's side with his sword Sting, the blade glowing like t.ogre's.

"This? This is nothing after a hardcore Dusty Rhodes match! Go!"

Frodo hesitated a moment more, before nodding and darting off behind t.ogre. t.ogre gave a grin and murmured, "Okay, you son of a bitch, now that we're alone. Let's finish this so I can stop feeling like such a goddamn nerd for being here."

As if understanding him, the horror rose up on its hind hairs, displaying its glue-sticky underbelly and waving tangled tendrils of hair. A thick growl came out of it, that almost sounded like words, given in a strange, stacatto pattern. "You... DO NOT... understand, how badly... I will kick your... ass... you... wrestling pussy..."

t.ogre growled low. "You damn evil hairpiece, I don't even know how you got away from William Shatner, but he'll have to go to hell to get you back!" And with that, he charged, his chair coming around... only to see the hairpiece get suddenly pierced from behind by the slim blade of a katana. "What? ...LANCE!?"

The mercenary fox-man stepped from the shadows, slinging the hairpiece from the tip of his katana into the darkness. t.ogre's eyes involentarily followed its flightpath... how had Lance killed this unkillable beast with such supernatural ease? His gaze shot back to Lance, as the mercenary took up an offensive stance, whispering coldly, "Finally, my revenge be upon ye, t.ogre. Justice's blade shall not be merciful!" With this, he leapt at t.ogre, his katana slashing out.

t.ogre does not remember the fight well, only in pictures. Memories of being helplessly slapped around with the flat of Lance's sword, of having his flesh being playfully slashed in a dozen places, his clothes cut away. In the end, he lay dazed and nearly dead on the floor of the cave. A contemptuous flick of Lance's sword caught Whack and tossed it aside. The katana leapt up with supernatural agility to press gently beneath t.ogre's chin. The wrestler instinctively lifted his head back from the lethal edge, but the sword moved with, touching lightly on his skin.

"Now... you die." Lance murmured softly, starting to very, very slowly push his sword forward. He wanted this to last.

"Excellent job, Lance! Now step away so we can secure the prisoner."

Under normal circumstances, Lance would have ignored the voice, or simply thrust home in order to ensure that he got his kill before he was restrained. Except that this voice reduced him to gasping, his eyes bugging out as he stammered, "Muerte!?"

"Willias Muerte VI. At your service. Now put the pointy down so we can torture him inhumanely, okay?"

Lance's eyes narrowed coldly. "We can't take that risk. I have to destroy him now!"

"Do I get a say in this?" t.ogre slurred out weakly.

"Are you fucking kidding? Somebody portal him outta here." Muerte said drily, before a portal sprung open and swallowed up t.ogre just as Lance was pushing his sword home. The swordblade thrust through the glow impotently, drawing no blood.

Lance rounded on Muerte, hissing through gritted teeth, "My revenge be upon ye, Muerte! Justice's blade shall not be merciful!" And proceeded to slit Muerte from his buttocks to his neck and rip his spine out. Blinking down at the bloody spine, he muttered, "Okay, maybe that was going too far." Then a portal took hold of him and stole him away.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"What the hell was that!?" Lance demanded as he popped back into the shadowed man's base.

"I told you, Lance. You can have him AFTER I'm done with him, not before." He held up a hand, grinning broadly. "I can assure you, Lance... we will not be doing anything to him that he will enjoy. Consider it some small compensation for his sins before you deliver the coup de grace."

"Koo day grah?"

"It's a French thing. You're too manly to get it. Nevermind. Why not have a drink in the Employee Lounge, I'll call you when we need you again."

With a frustrated sigh, Lance nodded his agreement and started down the stairs he was directed towards.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The lounge turned out to be somewhat like Lance envisioned, having spent some time in the interdimensional nexus that was Dream City. Creatures of all manner and description ranged throughout the immense chamber. The walls were drab green concrete, the floor was tiled in an unrecoverably stained white, and the ceiling was coated in accoustic panels and banks of flourescent lights even MORE stained. There was only one feature in the room (apart from the long cafeteria counter, cash registers, tables, and their occupants, and some doors to get in and out of room, and all the litter, and... look, you get the goddamn idea), and this was a huge digital display high up on one wall. It worked much like a stadium scoreboard, using backlit red dots. At the moment it was displaying a counter that currently read at 27 seconds. A little board next to the counter read, "Time Since Last World Consumed".

At 29 seconds, the timer restarted at 00:00:00. Before it got to 00:00:13, it restarted again. Each time it did, a ear-shatteringly loud buzzer would sound and balloons and party streamers would flood down from the ceiling, and all of the occupants of the room would absently pick up a nearby horn or rattle or noisemaker or kazoo and use it passionlessly. Then they would set it down, flick the streamers and balloons off their food (or not, depending on how picky they were) and go on eating.

After a moment of staring, Lance shrugged inwardly and went to the counter. He steered a wide birth around the baby back ribs and vegetarian chilli, considered the haggis before deciding that the odds of it being from an actual sheep were miniscule. And besides, he wasn't nearly crazy enough to eat it if it were real. In the end, he settled for a slice of cheesecake drizzled with cherry sauce. As he got to the register, they waved him through without a charge, though one person shoved a rattle in his free hand before he could avoid it.

Turning resignedly, he looked out over the cafeteria for a place to sit down.

Off to one side, Muerte waved, smiling. Lance studiously, even meticulously ignored him and headed for one of a pair of empty seats. As he started that way, a small winged creature took one of them. It seemed to be some kind of reptile judging from its scaley nature. And it could have, if Lance were less of a wuss, been described as 'cute'. He/she/it was having what looked like a slice of pizza, holding the slice with its tail as it greeted friends. Set on the plate still was a noisemaker with a colorful paper roll.

Lance sat beside it, setting down his rattle and plate, and was just about to take a bite from his cheesecake when the buzzer went off. He winced, glaring up at the counter.

"Oh hell. Oh bloody hell. Oh bloody hell!" The creature beside him muttered with growing panic. His thick British accent was apparent despite the fear lacing his tone. He had set the noisemaker to his lips and was blowing it with greater and greater desperation. His snout, however, refused to form a tight enough seal, and all he got were hissing noises. Lance blinked over at him, wondering what the fuss was.

That's when the shadow fell over them. "PLEASE MAKE USE OF YOUR NOISEMAKER. YOU HAVE 20 SECONDS TO COMPLY." Lance whipped around and found himself staring down the barrel of a 7.62mm machine gun, mounted on the side of an immense bipedal robot.

He snorted, asking sardonically, "Don't you know the boss says I'm immortal?" Beside him, the scaled thing counterpointed Lance's bravado with quick blowing hisses.

"YOUR CIVIL RIGHTS ARE CURRENTLY REVOKED. YOU HAVE FIFTEEN SECONDS TO COMPLY."

"Fuck... you better do what he says, man!" The scaled creature blurted, before going back to blowing into his noisemaker.

"IF YOU CANNOT AFFORD A COFFIN, A MASS GRAVE WILL BE APPOINTED FOR YOU. YOU HAVE TEN SECONDS TO COMPLY."

Lance eyed his rattle, eyed the scaled creature's noisemaker, before casually swapping the two.

"AMMUNITION SELECTION COMPLETED - CYANIDE-TIPPED MEGA-EXPLOSIVE NITROGLYCERINE HYPERVELOCITY SHELLS SELECTED. YOU HAVE FIVE SECONDS TO COMPLY."

Setting the noisemaker to his more flexible snout, he blew out a flat, unenthusiastic note towards the camera pickup of the robot, as the scaled creature frantically swung the rattle about. With that, the robot turned, and marched off towards another person who was having trouble with his kazoo.

"Man, thanks a lot!" The scaled creature said, reaching out to shake Lance's hand. When Lance gave his hand up, the scaled creature shook it rapidly, saying, "But, uh, if you were immortal, why did you bother to blow it yourself?"

"And get my clothes chewed up? Hell with that. What is it with all the noise and the counter, anyways?"

"Well, the boss thinks it's good for employee moral if they share in the sense of triumph he recieves every time he continues in his quest to stomp out all that's good in the universe. Again though, I gotta thank you."

"Uh, I was also wondering why you had a noisemaker, when you should know by now you can't use it." Lance asked with a frown.

'That's not my fault. You have to use whatever noise device you're given. To maintain the harmony, you understand. And nearly nobody is brave enough to trade 'em... if the boss catches you, well, that's it, you'll snuff it. Just like that."

"Huh. Anyways, what's your name? And, uh, what are you?"

The scaled creature grinned. "My name's Darkhorse, I'm what's referred to as a Pterid. You can call me DHP, if you want. Or Darkhorse. Or Darkie, but some people might think that's racist, and nobody wants that. Or Horsie, I guess, but then people will think I'm giving you piggy-back rides all the time like some little kid. Or maybe Pterie? Sort of like a petri dish, but, uh, completely different. Except that I guess I do hold some bacteria, I mean, who doesn't? And-"

Lance swiftly broke in, "Okay, okay! I get it, Dark. My name's Lance." He paused, considering the Pterid. "So tell me, what're you doing here?"

Dark started to speak when the buzzer sounded again. The rattle was picked up and shook. When Dark gave him a look, Lance rolled his eyes and gave a bland toot on his noisemaker. Even as he did, Dark went on, "Well, I, uh, can't exactly tell you. Partly I'm working to get enough money for... for something. The thing I can't tell you about. Once I have the money, I can hire some people here, to, er. Y'know."

"Yeah, the thing you can't tell me."

"Bingo."

"Look, Dark... You know, I could use somebody to watch my back around here. I have a feeling that I might get skunked one of these days... and I don't really have a lot more to use my paycheck towards. What do you say?"

"It's the least I can do." Dark said with a smile. "Now, when do I start watching your back?"

"Uh, right now." Lance said, taking a generous bite of his cheesecake.

"Oh, well then, my first duty will be to tell you that that's not cheesecake."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Across the room, Muerte VII was still eating his babyback ribs, watching idly as Lance spat out a mouthful of cake and frantically wiped at his tongue with his napkin, at least until the Pterid said something about 'that napkin's not made out of cloth'.

Slowly, the shadow behead Muerte grew thicker, until it was the size of a man. From it issued a quiet murmur, "Now, look at how he's already abusing the gifts I've given him, hiring that little gimp on! You'll have to watch him close for me, Muerte. Very close indeed."

Muerte nodded without looking up, a hand casually sliding down to his hip to check on the safety strap on his pistol. Yeah, this was a duty he could come to like.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At that very moment, t.ogre was waking up on the table to which he'd been strapped. Most of his wounds were partly healed by advanced technology, but the powerful anesthetics which still swirled through his system left him heavily dazed. Slowly his eyes blinked open, only barely able to make out the smeared blur of a accoustic-tiled ceiling, and a face.

"How are you doing today, Mister t.ogre?" Asked the Rock.

t.ogre blinked.

"Well, he's awake, I just saw him blink." Said another Rock.

"Indeed, he did. Phil can see the blink, even from where Phil diligently mops the corner of this chamber." Said a third Rock.

t.ogre blinked again.

"There's another one. If he keeps this up we could get a rhythm going." Said a fourth Rock.

t.ogre muttered thickly, "Holy shit... I'm... I'm in hell! Lance killed me, and I'm in hell!"

"Now, now. Relax, Mister Wrestler Man. We'll put you back under so you can finish healing up." Said one of the Rocks. He gave a nod to another Rock, saying, "Go ahead and inject him, Muerte."

That Rock nodded, and stepped forward. He branished a syringe with a needle the length of a pool cue.

"Gah! Get away from me with that thing!" t.ogre blurted, recoiling.

"Don't worry, t.ogre." His voice blurred then through the ringing in his ears, but t.ogre could've sworn the man said, "The Rock says, this won't sting a bit."

t.ogre's vision turned red, and that's about all he remembers about THAT.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Right this way, Lance, you'll see your experimentees. We've got both Brandt and t.ogre in their number, as well as a few others you might recognize. We were going to bring in this being, Nnirk, who is some form of demon. He's far too dangerous, however... we're keeping him in isolation for now."

"That's fine. Only demon I've got a beef with is Krinn anyways, not this Nnirk guy." Lance said as they jogged down the stairs into the experimentation wing, followed closely by Darkhorse.

"Alright. Annnnd... here we are." With a flourish, he pushed open the double doors, to reveal a scene of carnage. Doctors, nurses, and guards groaned and clutched at themselves. Many were bent into pretzels or twisted into knots of various complex types, from sheepshanks to Fruedian slipknots. One man had been Senton-bombed through his own face. This man, Lance realized, was Muerte. Or... what was left of him, anyways.

Lance rounded on his employer, asking coldly, "What the hell happened?"

The shadowy figure scowled. "The bastard must have escaped." Keying his cellphone, he snapped, "Muerte! Mobilize the security team to find t.ogre! And shoot yourself for incompetance!" Lance heard a gunshot from the cellphone as the shadow flipped it shut.

"I don't mind telling you, this really does very little to inspire me about the quality of your word." Lance said with deceptive softness.

"Yeah! Ye great sod!" Darkhorse snapped in support.

His employer made placating gestures. "Now, now, Lance. Look here, on the other restraint tables. For whatever reason, perhaps in a delirium, t.ogre failed to notice and free his compatriots. See, Brandt Delacroix, and Oniko... old friends of yours, I trust?"

Lance, about to say something else, paused. His glare shifted away from his employer, to the tables.

The man went on. "These are Max and Viper, new compatriots to these fools... other sinners, for you to punish, hm?"

Lance began to nod reluctantly. There was still some good to be done here.

"And here, on the end, two new... 'friends'. Fools whom you will teach never to follow down the path of corruption which these others have followed. This is Alair," he said, gesturing at one of the tables near the end. This one held a pretty girl that stood perhaps 5'10" (when standing upright and not drugged to the gills), with brown hair and green eyes. "A psychic visitor from the future, I've, er, borrowed her from her parent corporation for this experiment. Don't worry, Self-Inserts are largely immune to psychic powers."

Moving past her, the shadow gestured at the last table. "This is Sherlock." Sherlock proved to be an anthromorph, like Lance... except his yiffytype was that of a feline rather than vulpine. It would have stood a little above average, with thick fur and a long tail. "This one's an alien, a martial artist, able to use ESP and ice magic- kind of a furry grab-bag."

Darkhorse said, sharply, "Now, sir, it's sexual harassment to refer to this person's scrotum as a 'furry grab-bag'."

For a long moment, the shadowy man stared at Darkhorse, before saying, perhaps more sharply, "These will be your experiments for now, until t.ogre is recaptured and can be forcably introduced to pain once more. Now, head for the portal room, they will send you to the site of your experiment. By the time you get there, your experimentees will already be in their place."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Only a few minutes later, Lance and Darkhorse walked out of the portal and came out just outside of their new home for the next few hours.

About them was a low hill coated thickly with wild grass, whispering and rustling dramatically as the cold wind whisked through it. Behind them stood a huge mansion, a beautiful and ancient structure which loomed over the landscape. Somehow it was vaguely forboding, its gothic windows staring out balefully at a human world too cowardly to intrude on this forsaken place. Beside the entrance, a bronze plaque was set in stone, and it read in high, arching letters: WINDSWEPT MANOR.

"Well, isn't this overdramatic?" Darkhorse commented.

"Yeah, no shit. Let's get inside before we catch cold." Lance said, rubbing his hands together as he stepped up towards the door.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At that moment, in the theater, Brandt was struggling to wake up. "Ugh... what hit me? This time, I mean."

He didn't really expect an answer, so it made him jolt with surprise when Oniko said, idly, "I think a 20cc dose of sodium runningjokitol. I could be wrong though. Maybe it was 30ccs of hackneyed contrividen. I really gotta catch up on my ER before I can be sure."

"Oniko?" Brandt croaked, lifting his head and prying open his eyes, seeing Oniko seated on the back of a seat not far in front of him. He was facing towards the back, idly watching the projection booth to see who had ahold of them.

Oniko smirked sardonically. "Yep. Not just me, either. Check it out, we've got company."

Next to him sat a young man with a bar clamp, staring at Oniko with fascination, and beside HIM was a crimson hedgehog that stood on two feet. Odd. On Brandt's left, a brown-haired, green-eyed woman sat. There was a tingle of psionic interferance from her, the way two radios will squeal when the antennae are flicked together. He blinked, before glancing over the other way. There was another source of psionic interferance, though the type of signature was different. It came from that catman seated near the middle aisle, surely.

Brandt muttered, "What're you doing here, Oniko...?"

"Captured at the end of the last feature. The theater of the grassy knoll was a decent change, but... look at this, man. Swanky." Oniko pointed up towards the seats. Obediently, Brandt followed his pointed finger, taking in the details of the theater as his mind started to come back together. Almost endless ranks of seats extended behind them in ascending rows. The seats were genuine wood, well-padded, apolstered with rich crimson velvety fabric. Beyond the seats, he could see the walls were covered in thick red curtains strung from the ceiling. Peeking down at them was an old-fashioned projection window, with leaded glass styled to look like an immense eye peering down at them. Brandt shuddered and looked away, back towards the front. The screen differed from what he was used to, too... much larger, with an actual stage and stage lights before it, an orchestra pit, and an old-style asbestos curtain. Above, chandeliers the size of vans hung over their heads, making him a little uneasy considering the experience of the past few hours. All in all it represented unthinkable luxury in the time most of them had been born.

"Oh my. Think about watching the 'Sound of Music', here!" Brandt breathed out, forgetting his discomfort.

"Oh something good, like Wild N Willing Wetnurses 4, the Lactinator!" Viper shouted gleefully.

"Not that you could enjoy that properly, seeing how you're not anatomically correct," Max said casually.

"Goddamnit, don't you start!" Viper snapped.

Oniko gave Brandt a look, before saying, "Anyways, say hi to our old friends, yet again. Max. Poor dumb fucker. And Viper. Remember them?" Those two waved as Oniko mentioned their names. The latter still had a pair of tank shell protruding from the back of his skull. He didn't seem to take much notice, absorbed as he was in drinking from his Mega-Ultra-Large cup of Bloaty Cola and taking long sips from the straw.

Viper grinned around his straw. "Course the boy remembers us! How can you forget me? I'm just plain unforgettable, I tell y-"

"I'm sorry, I don't remember you." Brandt interrupted gently, his brow furrowing. "Why should I?"

Max rolled his eyes, while Viper whimpered in dismay.

Oniko sighed, muttering, "Man, I envy your coping skills. Anyways, everybody, this is Brandt "Bishie" Delacroix. I know he looks all cute an' innocent an' kitten-like, but you'll want to stay the fuck out of reach, anyways. Trust me."

"Hi, Brandt. I envy your coping skills too." Alair said sourly. "I wouldn't mind forgetting being kidnapped and held in what looks like a Victorian era theater. Do you know what they did to women in Victorian times? I read all about it in history class!" Alair said.

"No. Please. Tell us all about it." Sherlock muttered tiredly. He lay back in his seat, clutching his head. Apparently, sodium runningjokitol caused migraines in his species.

"Oh, well, see, they'd take women, and grind them up into pate, and-"

The intercom crackled to life. "That'll be quite enough of this chatter!" A familiar voice growled.

Brandt blinked, shooting up straight. "Lance...?" He whispered under his breath. Oniko shot him a confused look.

There was a smile in Lance's voice as he continued, "That's right, you evil little bastard! I'm baaaack!" A dramatic chord played.

Brandt blurted, "You can't be... I annihilated you!" When the others in the theater gave him an odd look, he added hurriedly, "It was an accident, I swear."

"Jesus, you're just a regular psychic Typhoid Mary, aren't you?" Max asked irritably.

"Accident my ass... now everybody park it! I'm about to show you a god-awful fic and you dipshits are going to get to watch every single second of it. You try to squeeze your eyes shut to stop the pain, you get killed. You piss me off, you get killed. You spill your popcorn, you get killed. In fact, come to think of it, practically anything you do can and will get you killed." Lance paused, before crooning, "Especially you, Brandt. Go ahead, boy. Make a pun for me. Make my fuckin' day."

Brandt shuddered, muttering, "Yeah, uh... thanks for the offer, but I think I'll just sit here. Quietly."

"Oh? What about the rest of you?" Lance purred.

Everyone called back hurriedly, "Oh, that's okay- that's fine, we're good- yeah, what the pussy said- you mean me?- no, Sherlock, I mean Brandt, he's a pussy- Oh, I see, he DOES look kind of limpwristed-"

"Okay! Shut up! It's show time!" Lance called out, before looking over at Darkhorse. "Hit the switch, my lackey."

"Can do, Mister L." Darkhorse said with a toothy grin, hitting the On switch that was well within Lance's reach.

The riffers took their seats as the screen began to scroll the classic countdown: ...10...9...8...

Viper muttered, "I just hope he didn't try to do to Lance what he almost did to me during one of the bathroom breaks."

Oniko blinked and glanced over. "You too?"

Viper blinked, his eyes widening and starting to well up. "But... but he said that I was the only one for him..."

Brandt, Sherlock, and Alair winced as one. Alair muttered sharply, "Somebody make those images stop coming out of his head..."

Sherlock winced and reached over, slapping the tankshell protruding from Viper's head.

Viper's eyes trained in different directions as he went on, "Glah boo zeen hans gruber zo lou keanu reeves is the devil..."

"I guess gibberish IS a step up," Alair said, sighing with relief.

...7...6..5...4...

"Just to warn you guys, you may want to secure some suicide methods," Max said casually.

"What?" Sherlock demanded. "Oh, come on, it can't be THAT bad..."

"That's what everybody thinks their first time," Brandt muttered defeatedly, before reaching out to telekinetically pop the tankshell back an inch.

"Thanks!" Viper said intelligably. "Just in time for me to watch this- wait, push it back in! Push it back in! ...damnit."

...3...2...1...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Posted on Feb 28, 2004, 10:20 PM
from IP address 172.149.6.142

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Two spelling corrections:

by Lysander (no login)

Slowly, the shadow behead Muerte grew thicker, until it was the size of a man.

I think you mean "behind" instead of "behead" there. Though considering who that's in reference too, maybe not. Hmm.

also had a pair of tank shell protruding from his head.

Shells.

Lysander
"Thank you, and good day."

Posted on Mar 1, 2004, 8:38 PM
from IP address 208.151.120.54

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Okay, irony overload[nt]

by Lainer (no login)

Pretty freak'n flowers!

Posted on Mar 2, 2004, 4:21 AM
from IP address 64.168.27.28

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Well, yeah. [N/T]

by Lysander (no login)




Posted on Mar 2, 2004, 11:00 AM
from IP address 208.151.120.54

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Idea for 105/106...

by (no login)

The current episodes take place in a castle owned by an evil magician (who may even be working for the supreme mad scientist). He has decided to leave temporarily because a scrying told him that the most effective way to spread chaos would be to leave his castle for whoever will find it.

About a day later, Lance winds up in the castle. He finds the tools that can bring him his revenge. He uses a summoning spell (from a summonings made easy book) to bring DHP. Then he tries to bring in everyone who was in the theater with him in 101, especially t.ogre, eonsinger, and Searcher. However, the only one from that group that he gets is Brandt; because Max, Oniko, and Viper were nearby, they get grabbed as well. However, there are not yet the six required for a viewing of a fic, so he summons people at random and gets Alair and Sherlock.

The setup of the castle itself lends itself to security. The fic itself is being shown in the great hall using an illusion on the wall. For attacking the riffers, Lance can throw spells from wands and summon creatures using scrolls. Lance and DHP are not in a booth, but in a seperate room watching the riffers through a crystal ball.

I'm thinking that the ending would involve Brandt remembering that, even though he doesn't have enough power to teleport them out of this dimension, he can teleport them elsewhere in the current dimension, like to Lance's room. A heated battle ensues, which ends by Lance banishing them all away and having to start fresh with new captives.

This is just an idea, mind you. Tell me what you think.

Posted on Feb 5, 2004, 2:25 PM
from IP address 165.95.7.5

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Write it

by 20X3 Lainer (no login)

Please, anyone, we need these damn skits.

Keep Left-->

Posted on Feb 5, 2004, 3:43 PM
from IP address 64.165.200.33

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Don't wuss out, Lainer.

by Chimera (no login)

We've already got our setup for 105, remember? And don't worry, it won't be long before I finish the intro.

Got most of the setup for 106 too, in fact.

For those impatient people, the locale is Redcliffe Manor, a very genteel Victorian-era setting, appropriate for the whole soap opera thing. Lance will be described as a dark-eyed 'rake' and the women will coo. It's sad.

So if some other people have ideas for sketches, go ahead. Odds are you won't write anything which'll be THAT wrong. Note that Lainer and Penfold wrote theirs without a hitch. There's the second and third breaks, and the finale to still be done. I'm planning on taking one of the others, probably. Though I guess if we continue to have no volunteers at all... Jesus.

Anyways, I don't want Zem to feel too crushed here, feel free to keep it in mind for a future episode. New options for settings and outlines are always welcome.

This reminds me, I hafta go back and edit Brandt's shirt back on in the MiSTing, for the whole Krinn thing to work...

Posted on Feb 5, 2004, 10:35 PM
from IP address 172.161.192.239

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Skit shit.

by O. Hakubi (no login)

Unexpected 'Fic Break happens, and in a fit of boredom someone begins digging around in the seat cushions. They find a remote, and begin flipping through channels. Hilarity ensues. In essence this is an excuse for me to use up all the skits and shit I've written in one vanglorious burst of energy. Assuming of course I can overcome my apathy to do so.

...who's in the theater again?

Also, if someone can figure out if I "donated" the Hulkamania Prevention Kit skit to MOT I'd appreciate it, doubly so if someone could locate it for me.

--OH

Posted on Feb 6, 2004, 5:05 PM
from IP address 24.195.121.126

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You stow that skit, Hudson!

by Chimera (no login)

In the theater we've got Brandt, Sherlock, Alair, Viper, Oniko, and Max. Darkhorse is Lance's Mad Assistant. Nnirk was also captured last episode, so he's in the neighborhood if you want to do something with him.

As far as the 'donation' thing, just ask to have it back. I doubt they'd begrudge you it. Can't help you find it though.

-Chimera
How do I get out of this chickenskit outfit?

Posted on Feb 6, 2004, 5:38 PM
from IP address 172.161.192.239

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Looking for this?

by Idiotbox (no login)

[SCENE: An orange curtain, covered in glitter, sparkles, and other shiny stuff. A man in a blue tuxedo (also covered in glitter, sparkles, and other shiny stuff) is standing in front of it, grinning widely, his hair slicked back with enough grease to lube up every porn star on the west coast... twice. His smile is even greasier, if you can imagine it. Bouncy 50's infomercial music begins, and continues throughought.]

ANNOUNCER MAN: Say friends! Has THIS ever happened to YOU?

[The scene changes to a GUY in an apartment, watching wrestling. HULK HOGAN comes onto his TV.]

HOGAN: So wha'cha gonna do, brutha, when Hulkamania runs wild on YOU??

[The GUY blinks, and a look of pure terror crosses his face.]

GUY: I... I don't know... what am I going todo? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO??

[The GUY leaps out of a nearby window, screaming insanely. The screaming stops a few seconds later as he hits the pavement with a wet "thud." Cut back to the ANNOUNCER MAN from before.]

ANNOUNCER MAN: Yes, Hulkamania could run wild on you at any time, and without warning, and sadly, most people are unprepared! But we at SysCorpComTech have YOUR best interests in mind!

[He points to you as he says this, still grinning. He holds this pose for a good five seconds before lowering his arm and continuing.]

ANNOUNCER MAN: That is why we have developed the Hulkamania Preparation Kit!

[He steps to the side as the curtain pulls back and the camera zooms in, revealing a metal briefcase sitting on top of a pedestal. The briefcase is adorned with a crossed-out picture of Hulk Hogan's face.]

ANNOUNCER MAN <v.o.>: It contains all the things you need to prepare yourself for those times when Hulkamania comes a-calling! Inside you'll find the following items:

[A text crawl scrolls up from the bottom of the screen as he lists the items.]

Duct tape
Mentos
A vial of Denis Leary's blood
Fifty yards of yarn
A bronze statue of a monkey's head
A 128-ounce container of Tang
Rey Mysterio
A microwave burrito
A pink fuzzy steering wheel cover
The complete cinematic works of Ron Jeremy on Beta cassettes
Powdered lark vomit...

[Cut to downtown Tokyo. Or any big city, for that matter. ANNOUNCER MAN is standing in the middle of the (oddly empty) street, still grinning like an idiot.]

ANNOUNCER MAN: ...and Mecha Geese Howard!

[A fifty-foot tall metal replica of the Ratio-6 SNK boss steps out from behind one of the buildings. A Generic Gundam runs toward MGH, brandishing a beam sword, but just as it reaches MGH, MGH grabs it and hurls it down a side street, causing it to crash into a building and explode for no real reason.]

MGH <synthesized>: PREDICTABLE!
ANNOUNCER MAN: So buy the Hulkamania Preparation Kit today at your favorite retail store, and you'll know what to do when Hulkamania tries to run wild on you!

[ANNOUNCER MAN gives you a thumbs up as the screen fades to black.]

---

The full thread, including all the notes made at the time are at:

http://www.network54.com/Hide/Forum/message?forumid=162270&messageid=1055745098

[Now please excuse me for a moment while I scrub my face clean of all the mess caused by Network54 bursting several major blood vessels in my head.]

Posted on Feb 6, 2004, 8:18 PM
from IP address 213.249.179.33

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Huzzah! Thank you! (nt)

by O. Hakubi (no login)

Mecha Geese Howard > *

Posted on Feb 7, 2004, 3:05 PM
from IP address 24.195.121.126

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Look at me, I can crap out skits in fifteen minutes! While browsing for porn, no less!

by RoPOH (no login)

Crap out being used fairly literally.

-

DHP <over intercom>: Okay, we're going to have a little villain round-table up here to see whether or not we should let you suffer for a few more hours or just end your lives ASAP. Don't go anywhere.
NNIRK <over intercom, distant>: So what did you guys want?
LANCE <over intercom, distant>: I was thinking Italian.
DHP <over intercom, distant>: But I just had Italian for lunch!
LANCE <over intercom, distant>: Watch me not care.
[*CLICK*]

[VIPER turns around in his seat.]
VIPER: BRING ME BACK A CANNOLI OR SOMETHING, COULD YA?
ALAIR: What kind of person would willingly call himself a villain?
ONIKO: A poorly-written one.
[A brick bounces off his head.]
ONIKO: Goody, more head trauma.
MAX: So what now?
SHERL: I guess we wait.
[ALL sit patiently for a few minutes, growing increasingly bored. Eventually VIPER turns around, lifts up the back of the seat and hops in, closing it behind him.]
ALAIR: ...what are you doing?
VIPER <muffled>: Looking for treasure. People drop neat stuff in the seat cushions all the time, don'cha know. Hey, someone pass me a flashlight or someth- oh, never mind.
[A quiet click is heard, and the seat cover begins glowing.
VIPER <muffled>: See, when I was but a wee lad, I used to go couch spelunking all the time. Scared mom and pop real good one time when I disappeared into an Ottoman and didn't come out for three days. Heh. Ooh, what's this?
[The seat swings open and a remote control flies out, landing in SHERL's lap. The light goes out and VIPER leaps out of the seat with a perfect three-point landing.]
BRANDT: ...you think it works?
SHERL: Only one way to find out.
[SHERL points the remote at the screen and presses a button.]

---

[SCENE: A dingy brown room, illuminated by a single light bulb hanging from the ceiling. The RANGER of Quake fame sits at a brown desk, smoking a cigarette. He stubs it out and looks wearily at the camera.]

RANGER: I knew the graphics in this series were completely out of control and that something was wrong, seven years ago. I was at Slipgate Central. Normally in Slipgate Central, everything's brown, the sky is brown, foggy brown, dark brown, light brown, every day it just gets browner and browner and browner. You wake up one day and you go, "I'm not going on duty." Your CO goes, "Why not, you get shot?" "No, it's too brown! I dunno if it's dawn or dusk! I don't even know why the sun bothers to come out!"

And then you wake up, and it's the brownest day you've ever seen. And the next day, it's even browner! And that's usually the day when you look at your axe and go, "Hey, maybe I should cut my hand off, to see color."

But in that day in Slipgate Central... in four days I experienced five climates. Rainy castles, underground lakes, abandoned warehouses, frick'n lava caves! On the last day, there was a military base, Quake's soldiers, and some giant spiny thing... together! And I hadn't done drugs! Because when you step through a slipgate and you hear rumbling, and you go to look, you have an expectation. And it's not fat, chainsaw-wielding guys with some elder god behind them. That's... not... right! They don't even write about that kind of shit in the Bible! And I imagine if a prophet had seen that kind of thing, after he wiped the poop out of his pants he'd have told us about it!

[He massages his temples with one gloved hand and continues.]

RANGER: I was supposed to be on duty next week and I said I'm taking leave, I'm scared to death. 'Cause I know what the next thing's gonna be: Stroggos. And there will come a time, mark my words, when there will be a season of just great big Icaruses that fall from the sky. Oh yeah, look at me like I'm nuts, you'll see Willard Scott... Willard Scott... he smiles so much I don't think he has a central nervous system. Willard Scott will be standing in front of the Big Gun dressed in an Imp suit, and Flyers will be bouncing off his head. And he'll be going, "Flying heads, flying heads, what can I say? Back to you."

---

ONIKO: Ooh, "The Daily Show With Flynn Taggart." I saw their expose on the affair between Hunter and Deimos. Good stuff.
SHERL: Let's see what else is on...
[*CLICK*]

---

[SCENE: Inside an empty club in Southtown. BILLY KANE and his band are finishing up one of their sets as GEESE HOWARD, dressed in a well-tailored buisness suit - he doesn't wear that kimono and hakama *all* the time, you know - walks in. Seeing him enter, BILLY nods to him.]

BILLY: 'Ey, boss! I'll be with you in a few. [to his bandmates] I'll see you blokes later, eh?

[GEESE walks towards the stage, impassively looking around the club. BILLY's bandmates give him a wide berth as he strolls past, knowing full well what he is capable of. Eventually his gaze falls on a guitar placed on a metal stand, still plugged into a speaker. This does not go unnoticed by BILLY.]

BILLY: Ey, boss, uh... you play?
GEESE: ...of course not, why would I?
BILLY: Well, you was lookin' at it like... 'ey, my bad. [turns and heads for a side door labeled "EMPLOYEES ONLY"] I won't be long, boss.

[BILLY enters and shuts the door, leaving GEESE alone in the club. He looks at the guitar, then at the door, then back at the guitar. He picks it up, accidentally plucking one of the strings in the process. Wincing slightly at the sudden noise, he quickly puts his hand over the string to mute the noise, then reaches over and turns down the volume on the speaker. Glancing over to the side door, he lifts the guitar and begins to play... rather well, interestingly enough. Satisfied with his skills, he begins to sing...]

GEESE:

PREDICTABLE!

I was in my office when Terry kicked down the door
He was screaming, "GEEEEESE!"
And I said, "PREDICTABLE!"

Then that Shiranui bimbo appears out of nowhere and she's all,
"Shiranui Mai, mairimasu!"
And I said, "PREDICTABLE!"

So later I'm at the bar
And Billy Kane shows up
And he says, "Hey hey hey!"
And I said, "PREDICTABLE!"

Cause this is my Southtown of Predictability!
And this is my Southtown of Predictability!
And this is my Southtown of Predictability!

Then I'm leaving my office at 6 P.M
And I'm walking to my limo wearing my hakama
Kim Kaphwan walks up and he shouts, "You evil cannot be forgiven!"
And I say, "PREDICTABLE!"

Then I'm managing a business deal
And Officer Hon-Fu jumps out and screams,
"Geese Howard! You're under arrest for-"
And I say "PREDICTABLE!"

And then I meant Krauser.
I said, "Evening, Krauser. Anything new?"
He says, "Nope."
And I said, "alright..."

Cause this is my Southtown of Predictability!
And this is my Southtown of Predictability!

[Arching an eyebrow, GEESE allows himself a small smile at his skill... until someone behind him begins applauding. Spooked, GEESE hurries to put the guitar back on it's holder, nearly dropping it in the process. Quickly recollecting himself, he angrily points to a grinning BILLY.]

GEESE: You didn't see that.

---

ALAIR: Great, now that tune's going to be stuck in my head for the rest of the week.
[*CLICK*]

---

[SCENE: An orange curtain, covered in glitter, sparkles, and other shiny stuff. A man in a blue tuxedo (also covered in glitter, sparkles, and other shiny stuff) is standing in front of it, grinning widely, his hair slicked back with enough grease to lube up every porn star on the west coast... twice. His smile is even greasier, if you can imagine it. Bouncy 50's infomercial music begins, and continues throughought.]

ANNOUNCER MAN: Say friends! Has THIS ever happened to YOU?

[The scene changes to a GUY in an apartment, watching wrestling. HULK HOGAN comes onto his TV.]

HOGAN: So wha'cha gonna do, brutha, when Hulkamania runs wild on YOU??

[The GUY blinks, and a look of pure terror crosses his face.]

GUY: I... I don't know... what am I going todo? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO??

[The GUY leaps out of a nearby window, screaming insanely. The screaming stops a few seconds later as he hits the pavement with a wet "thud." Cut back to the ANNOUNCER MAN from before.]

ANNOUNCER MAN: Yes, Hulkamania could run wild on you at any time, and without warning, and sadly, most people are unprepared! But we at SysCorpComTech have YOUR best interests in mind!

[He points to you as he says this, still grinning. He holds this pose for a good five seconds before lowering his arm and continuing.]

ANNOUNCER MAN: That is why we have developed the Hulkamania Preparation Kit!

[He steps to the side as the curtain pulls back and the camera zooms in, revealing a metal briefcase sitting on top of a pedestal. The briefcase is adorned with a crossed-out picture of Hulk Hogan's face.]

ANNOUNCER MAN <v.o.>: It contains all the things you need to prepare yourself for those times when Hulkamania comes a-calling! Inside you'll find the following items:

[A text crawl scrolls up from the bottom of the screen as he lists the items.]

Duct tape
Mentos
A vial of Denis Leary's blood
Fifty yards of yarn
A bronze statue of a monkey's head
A 128-ounce container of Tang
Rey Mysterio
A microwave burrito
A pink fuzzy steering wheel cover
The complete cinematic works of Ron Jeremy on Beta cassettes
Powdered lark vomit...

[Cut to downtown Tokyo. Or any big city, for that matter. ANNOUNCER MAN is standing in the middle of the (oddly empty) street, still grinning like an idiot.]

ANNOUNCER MAN: ...and Mecha Geese Howard!

[A fifty-foot tall metal replica of the Ratio-6 SNK boss steps out from behind one of the buildings. A Generic Gundam runs toward MGH, brandishing a beam sword, but just as it reaches MGH, MGH grabs it and hurls it down a side street, causing it to crash into a building and explode for no real reason.]

MGH <synthesized>: PREDICTABLE!
ANNOUNCER MAN: So buy the Hulkamania Preparation Kit today at your favorite retail store, and you'll know what to do when Hulkamania tries to run wild on you!

[ANNOUNCER MAN gives you a thumbs up as the screen fades to black.]

---

SHERL: Gah, infomercials.
BRANDT: Mecha Geese Howard in downtown Tokyo? Boy, that brings back memories...
SHERL ...right.
[*CLICK*]

---

ICE: Where do you expect them to put it, man? They don't have anything. They're from some nest... or something.
DUB: ...nest? You rented that room to agents of NESTS?

[IGNIZOKT and ZERRO walk back into the living room.]

IGNIZOKT: We are the overlords of NESTS and our technology is advanced beyond all that you can possibly comprehend with one hundred percent of your brain.
DUB: Oh, is that so? ...and what is so "advanced" about it?
IGNIZOKT: Well for one thing NESTS HQ has one-third less gravity than your Earth. I don't know if you can understand but our aerial techniques for initiating combination attacks are beyond all measurement.
DUB: ...so what you're saying is NESTS is more advanced because you can perform cross-ups?

---

ALAIR: Hey, Team Unplugged Funky Force!
SHERL: Bo-ring.
[*CLICK*]

---

[SCENE: The top of a hill in the middle of a misty pine forest. All is quiet, but trumpet music begins to slowly fade in as the unmistakable form of the Metal Slug appears. Then, as
the background music reaches full crescendo (Soldier's Morning (Destroy and Win)) it is revealed that the Metal Slug is strapped to the back of a heavily built man wearing combat boots, camoflage pants, a brown T-shirt and olive vest, with a camoflage bandanna tied around his head. He continues to jog up the hill in perfect cadence to the music, showing no visible signs of straining under the immense weight he carries. The camera follows him through the forest as the music continues playing. Eventually, a burst of static is heard. The man reaches behind him and pulls out a small field radio.]

MAN: Hmm?

[Someone on the other end says something, but the words can't be heard clearly over the static. The man has no apparent trouble, however.]

MAN: Hmm.

[Putting the radio back behind his back, the man runs offscreen.]

[Cut to a brick-paved street in a small war-torn town. Dozens of soldiers in green uniforms and helmets are milling about, patrolling the area, restocking their tanks' ammunition, cooking dinner over an open flame, or working on their tan. In the middle of it all is GENERAL MORDEN, surveying the scene from atop a huge multi-turreted tank with no small sense of satisfaction. Near the outskirts of the town, two soldiers are having a conversation.]

SOLDIER 1: So he actually charges after you on a *camel?*
SOLDIER 2: Hey, it had a gun mounted on the side.
SOLDIER 1: So wha'd you do?
SOLDIER 2: Well, I just said, "look, I'm trying to get out of this alive too." Then I remembered I left my rifle just behind me, so I started stepping backwards with my hands in the air like so...

[The SOLDIER begins stepping backwards with his hands in the air, but ends up bumping into someone. He turns around to confront him, but...]

SOLDIER 2: Hey, watch where you're- AAAHHH!!

[He falls to the ground and begins crawling backwards in abject horror before pointing a shaking finger at the man.]

SOLDIER: S-S-Slugata Sanshiro!!

[Upon hearing the hapless soldier utter this name, the other soldiers scream and recoil in abject horror. MORDEN turns to look at SLUGATA with hatred burning in his eyes.]

MORDEN: You...

[The view changes to the man from the beginning of the commercial standing with his arms crossed in front of his chest... and yes, he's still carrying the Metal Slug on his back. The words "Capt. Slugata Sanshiro, Sparrows Special Unit" appear on the bottom of the screen. He quickly uncrosses his arms, revealing two large high-caliber rifles. Cut back to MORDEN, who points to SLUGATA.]

MORDEN: GET HIM!!

[The next few scenes are nothing less than complete and utter carnage, the sole source of which is SLUGATA, as illustrated by quick cuts and shots where he hurls potato masher-style grenades at a group of soldiers; fires dual uzis offscreen; puts a soldier in a headlock and beats him over the head with a tonfa; lights a soldier on fire with a flamethrower, who then bumps into a group of soldiers and lights *them* on fire in turn; completely destroys a tank with a barrage of rockets; and knocks out a soldier with a punch glove. The montage ends with SLUGATA commandeering a Bradley missile launcher and setting it on auto-destruct, causing it to plow head-first into MORDEN's tank, destroying it in a tremendous explosion. When the smoke clears, MORDEN is left lying on top of the wreckage, still in one piece but badly scorched. SLUGATA climbs on top of what once was the General's tank and surveys the battlefield: The roads are covered with craters, soldiers are strewn hither and yon, and piles of scrap that were once tanks and trucks lie about, all serving as reminders of what was once a proud military victory. MORDEN coughs up a cloud of smoke, and strains to look up at his conqueror.]

MORDEN: Slugata Sanshiro... why?

[Grabbing MORDEN by the neck, SLUGATA carries him into the ruins of an arcade and over to the Neo-Geo machine (which, remarkably, is still working). With a look of pure range upon his face, he drags his index finger across the buttons and holds up in front of MORDEN's face.]

MORDEN: D-dust??

[SLUGATA walks outside of the arcade, rears his arm back and hurls MORDEN into the air. Undoing the buckles keeping the Metal Slug attached to his back, SLUGATA lets the tank drop to the ground with a heavy thud. Boarding the tank, he aims the main cannon at the still-airborne dictator and fires. The POV changes to that of the shell as it heads straight for MORDEN, and just before impact it switches back to SLUGATA as he pokes his head out of the hatch and watches the fireworks. Looking around the town he nods in satisfaction, then goes back into the Metal Slug and drives off.]

ANNOUNCER: Metal Slug: Play it now or SLUGATA SANSHIRO WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND KICK YOUR ASS!

---

THIEF: ...yeah, right. Like some burly Japanese asshole with a toy tank strapped to his back is going to fucking scare *me*. Back me up, bitches.
[Silence.]
THIEF: Hey, I said- ...eh?
[THIEF looks around to see VIPER and ONIKO at a Neo-Geo arcade cabinet, MAX and ALAIR with Neo-Geo Pockets and SHERL at a computer running an emulator. Three guesses as to what they're playing.]
THIEF: You goddamned pussies. I can't believe you're actually afraid of-
[A shadow looms over THIEF. He looks up in annoyance.]
THIEF: Hey, what the fuck do you- [pales] ...oh, shit.
[The shadow belongs to none other than SLUGATA SANSHIRO, who currently has a Real Damn Pissed expression on his face.]
THIEF: S-slugata Sans-s-shiro... how nice of you to-URK!
[SLUGATA picks up THIEF by the throat, slams him face-first into the ground, pulls the Metal Slug off of his back (with one hand, no less) and brings it down on THIEF with a resounding crunch, then picks it back up to find THIEF plastered to the bottom. Scraping him off with a baton, he sets the tank back down and drives off to parts unknown.]
VIPER: Man, the Mecha Slug is awesome.
ONIKO: That it is young Viper, that it is.
LANCE <over intercom>: We have returned from... hey, what the hell are you goons doing down there?? Sit down and get back to suffering!
[Small crane arms lower from the ceiling and grab the computer, arcade cabinet and Neo-Geo Pockets. ALL grumble and reluctantly take their seats.]
MAX: Man, I hope that guy doesn't find out that I was playing Queen of Fighters...


Posted on Feb 14, 2004, 10:04 PM
from IP address 24.195.121.126

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Not bad.

by Idiotbox (no login)

MAX: Man, I hope that guy doesn't find out that I was playing Queen of Fighters...

Max is referring to SNK Gals Fighter, right?

So, at last count, we now have two break skits but no intro or outro [unless Penfold's anime commercials are supposed to be part of the ending; in which case we're only missing half an ending]. Also:

Do we have any more commercials still left over?

What's the deal with Team Unplugged Funky Force? Are we going to put the rest of those skits into the Pocket Dimension?

Posted on Feb 15, 2004, 8:54 AM
from IP address 213.249.179.33

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I was wondering that too.

by Lainer (no login)

Oniko, you sure you didn't mean Queen of Heart?

Posted on Feb 15, 2004, 8:35 PM
from IP address 64.165.200.33

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It's supposed to be Gals Fighter. Right, sorry. (nt)

by O. Hakubi (no login)



Posted on Feb 16, 2004, 2:54 AM
from IP address 24.195.121.126

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Cool. Couple things, though...

by Chimera (no login)

A) Is this meant to be the midpoint, or late sketch?

B) You may want to take out Nnirk. He's not in the commercial sketch and if he was, his presence would prevent it from working as it stands. Unless somebody establishes in the midpoint sketch that Nnirk has recovered and joined as one of Lance's sidekicks.

C) To Idiotbox - Yes, we have many commercials left over. About eight or nine. Hell, another one features Geese Howard. That guy gets around more than Thief at a bisexual pediphile mixer. ...Or something.

Posted on Feb 24, 2004, 10:02 PM
from IP address 172.200.157.37

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Speaking of sketches...

by Cosmos (no login)

I'm not sure how many we have, or where they're going, but I can take one if no one else volunteers.

Cosmos

Posted on Feb 25, 2004, 9:03 PM
from IP address 12.73.132.172

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Current status of sketches

by Chimera (no login)

A) Intro: finished, by moi. (At least, after it gets nitpicked over, it'll be finished.)

B) First sketch: finished, by Penfold and Lainer.

C) Midpoint sketch, unclaimed.

D) Late fic sketch: finished, Oniko

E) Extro sketch, unclaimed.

Course, the order isn't set in stone. Also I thought I'd claim another (in part because nobody else has gone for it, but also because, uh, because), so feel free to grab one of the remaining two, and I'll take the other.

Posted on Feb 26, 2004, 12:58 AM
from IP address 172.171.52.142

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I guess I'll take midpoint, if no one else jumps for it.

by Cosmos (no login)

On that note, could I get a few details on what the inside of the theater looks like?

Posted on Feb 28, 2004, 12:50 PM
from IP address 12.73.133.48

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Sure, I'll add some theater description on my next go-by. (nt)

by Chimera (no login)



Posted on Feb 28, 2004, 10:11 PM
from IP address 172.149.6.142

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This brings what I like to call "teh omg funay."

by Lysander (no login)

Only one thing, though: no one does anything about the remote that they could use to just switch the channels after the fic comes back on. Someone'll have to do something about that. Good sketch, though.

Lysander "PREDICTABLE!"

Posted on Feb 16, 2004, 11:01 AM
from IP address 208.151.120.42

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I'll stick a little robot arm in there that grabs it, how about that? (nt)

by O. Hakubi (no login)

Recycle your humor.

Posted on Feb 16, 2004, 4:45 PM
from IP address 24.195.121.126

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Sure, that works. [S/T]

by Lysander (no login)

...What might also be funny is a little bit more stuff during the villains council, basically pulling in all sorts of villains from all over the place. "Okay, so what do we do?" "I say we kill them." "Ermac, aErmac, that just doesn't cary the professional *flare* that is that you need in a job like this!" "So what would you do, Cobra?" "That's Cobra Commander, Bonzo Madrid. Now, listen closely; we rig up a--" "Is this gonna take long?" "Shut up, It." "But I have to go to the bathroom!" "Shut *up*! So, my plan is, we..." And so on and so forth. Just a suggestion.

Posted on Feb 16, 2004, 7:52 PM
from IP address 208.151.120.42

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That Sketch = TOP TIER (nt)

by Demon K. (no login)

de nada

Posted on Feb 16, 2004, 1:54 PM
from IP address 64.61.217.46

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Fixed.

by O. Hakubi (no login)

DHP <over intercom>: Okay, we're going to have a little villain round-table up here to see whether or not we should let you suffer for a few more hours or just end your lives ASAP. Don't go anywhere.
NNIRK <over intercom, distant>: So what did you guys want?
LANCE <over intercom, distant>: I was thinking Italian.
DHP <over intercom, distant>: But I just had Italian for lunch!
LANCE <over intercom, distant>: Watch me not care.
[*CLICK*]

[VIPER turns around in his seat.]
VIPER: BRING ME BACK A CANNOLI OR SOMETHING, COULD YA?
ALAIR: What kind of person would willingly call himself a villain?
ONIKO: A poorly-written one.
[A brick bounces off his head.]
ONIKO: Goody, more head trauma.
MAX: So what now?
SHERL: I guess we wait.
[ALL sit patiently for a few minutes, growing increasingly bored. Eventually VIPER turns around, lifts up the back of the seat and hops in, closing it behind him.]
ALAIR: ...what are you doing?
VIPER <muffled>: Looking for treasure. People drop neat stuff in the seat cushions all the time, don'cha know. Hey, someone pass me a flashlight or someth- oh, never mind.
[A quiet click is heard, and the seat cover begins glowing.
VIPER <muffled>: See, when I was but a wee lad, I used to go couch spelunking all the time. Scared mom and pop real good one time when I disappeared into an Ottoman and didn't come out for three days. Heh. Ooh, what's this?
[The seat swings open and a remote control flies out, landing in SHERL's lap. The light goes out and VIPER leaps out of the seat with a perfect three-point landing.]
BRANDT: ...you think it works?
SHERL: Only one way to find out.
[SHERL points the remote at the screen and presses a button.]

---

[SCENE: A dingy brown room, illuminated by a single light bulb hanging from the ceiling. The RANGER of Quake fame sits at a brown desk, smoking a cigarette. He stubs it out and looks wearily at the camera.]

RANGER: I knew the graphics in this series were completely out of control and that something was wrong, seven years ago. I was at Slipgate Central. Normally in Slipgate Central, everything's brown, the sky is brown, foggy brown, dark brown, light brown, every day it just gets browner and browner and browner. You wake up one day and you go, "I'm not going on duty." Your CO goes, "Why not, you get shot?" "No, it's too brown! I dunno if it's dawn or dusk! I don't even know why the sun bothers to come out!"

And then you wake up, and it's the brownest day you've ever seen. And the next day, it's even browner! And that's usually the day when you look at your axe and go, "Hey, maybe I should cut my hand off, to see color."

But in that day in Slipgate Central... in four days I experienced five climates. Rainy castles, underground lakes, abandoned warehouses, frick'n lava caves! On the last day, there was a military base, Quake's soldiers, and some giant spiny thing... together! And I hadn't done drugs! Because when you step through a slipgate and you hear rumbling, and you go to look, you have an expectation. And it's not fat, chainsaw-wielding guys with some elder god behind them. That's... not... right! They don't even write about that kind of shit in the Bible! And I imagine if a prophet had seen that kind of thing, after he wiped the poop out of his pants he'd have told us about it!

[He massages his temples with one gloved hand and continues.]

RANGER: I was supposed to be on duty next week and I said I'm taking leave, I'm scared to death. 'Cause I know what the next thing's gonna be: Stroggos. And there will come a time, mark my words, when there will be a season of just great big Icaruses that fall from the sky. Oh yeah, look at me like I'm nuts, you'll see Willard Scott... Willard Scott... he smiles so much I don't think he has a central nervous system. Willard Scott will be standing in front of the Big Gun dressed in an Imp suit, and Flyers will be bouncing off his head. And he'll be going, "Flying heads, flying heads, what can I say? Back to you."

---

ONIKO: Ooh, "The Daily Show With Flynn Taggart." I saw their expose on the affair between Hunter and Deimos. Good stuff.
SHERL: Let's see what else is on...
[*CLICK*]

---

[SCENE: Inside an empty club in Southtown. BILLY KANE and his band are finishing up one of their sets as GEESE HOWARD, dressed in a well-tailored buisness suit - he doesn't wear that kimono and hakama *all* the time, you know - walks in. Seeing him enter, BILLY nods to him.]

BILLY: 'Ey, boss! I'll be with you in a few. [to his bandmates] I'll see you blokes later, eh?

[GEESE walks towards the stage, impassively looking around the club. BILLY's bandmates give him a wide berth as he strolls past, knowing full well what he is capable of. Eventually his gaze falls on a guitar placed on a metal stand, still plugged into a speaker. This does not go unnoticed by BILLY.]

BILLY: Ey, boss, uh... you play?
GEESE: ...of course not, why would I?
BILLY: Well, you was lookin' at it like... 'ey, my bad. [turns and heads for a side door labeled "EMPLOYEES ONLY"] I won't be long, boss.

[BILLY enters and shuts the door, leaving GEESE alone in the club. He looks at the guitar, then at the door, then back at the guitar. He picks it up, accidentally plucking one of the strings in the process. Wincing slightly at the sudden noise, he quickly puts his hand over the string to mute the noise, then reaches over and turns down the volume on the speaker. Glancing over to the side door, he lifts the guitar and begins to play... rather well, interestingly enough. Satisfied with his skills, he begins to sing...]

GEESE:

PREDICTABLE!

I was in my office when Terry kicked down the door
He was screaming, "GEEEEESE!"
And I said, "PREDICTABLE!"

Then that Shiranui bimbo appears out of nowhere and she's all,
"Shiranui Mai, mairimasu!"
And I said, "PREDICTABLE!"

So later I'm at the bar
And Billy Kane shows up
And he says, "Hey hey hey!"
And I said, "PREDICTABLE!"

Cause this is my Southtown of Predictability!
And this is my Southtown of Predictability!
And this is my Southtown of Predictability!

Then I'm leaving my office at 6 P.M
And I'm walking to my limo wearing my hakama
Kim Kaphwan walks up and he shouts, "You evil cannot be forgiven!"
And I say, "PREDICTABLE!"

Then I'm managing a business deal
And Officer Hon-Fu jumps out and screams,
"Geese Howard! You're under arrest for-"
And I say "PREDICTABLE!"

And then I meant Krauser.
I said, "Evening, Krauser. Anything new?"
He says, "Nope."
And I said, "alright..."

Cause this is my Southtown of Predictability!
And this is my Southtown of Predictability!

[Arching an eyebrow, GEESE allows himself a small smile at his skill... until someone behind him begins applauding. Spooked, GEESE hurries to put the guitar back on it's holder, nearly dropping it in the process. Quickly recollecting himself, he angrily points to a grinning BILLY.]

GEESE: You didn't see that.

---

ALAIR: Great, now that tune's going to be stuck in my head for the rest of the week.
[*CLICK*]

---

[SCENE: An orange curtain, covered in glitter, sparkles, and other shiny stuff. A man in a blue tuxedo (also covered in glitter, sparkles, and other shiny stuff) is standing in front of it, grinning widely, his hair slicked back with enough grease to lube up every porn star on the west coast... twice. His smile is even greasier, if you can imagine it. Bouncy 50's infomercial music begins, and continues throughought.]

ANNOUNCER MAN: Say friends! Has THIS ever happened to YOU?

[The scene changes to a GUY in an apartment, watching wrestling. HULK HOGAN comes onto his TV.]

HOGAN: So wha'cha gonna do, brutha, when Hulkamania runs wild on YOU??

[The GUY blinks, and a look of pure terror crosses his face.]

GUY: I... I don't know... what am I going todo? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO??

[The GUY leaps out of a nearby window, screaming insanely. The screaming stops a few seconds later as he hits the pavement with a wet "thud." Cut back to the ANNOUNCER MAN from before.]

ANNOUNCER MAN: Yes, Hulkamania could run wild on you at any time, and without warning, and sadly, most people are unprepared! But we at SysCorpComTech have YOUR best interests in mind!

[He points to you as he says this, still grinning. He holds this pose for a good five seconds before lowering his arm and continuing.]

ANNOUNCER MAN: That is why we have developed the Hulkamania Preparation Kit!

[He steps to the side as the curtain pulls back and the camera zooms in, revealing a metal briefcase sitting on top of a pedestal. The briefcase is adorned with a crossed-out picture of Hulk Hogan's face.]

ANNOUNCER MAN <v.o.>: It contains all the things you need to prepare yourself for those times when Hulkamania comes a-calling! Inside you'll find the following items:

[A text crawl scrolls up from the bottom of the screen as he lists the items.]

Duct tape
Mentos
A vial of Denis Leary's blood
Fifty yards of yarn
A bronze statue of a monkey's head
A 128-ounce container of Tang
Rey Mysterio
A microwave burrito
A pink fuzzy steering wheel cover
The complete cinematic works of Ron Jeremy on Beta cassettes
Powdered lark vomit...

[Cut to downtown Tokyo. Or any big city, for that matter. ANNOUNCER MAN is standing in the middle of the (oddly empty) street, still grinning like an idiot.]

ANNOUNCER MAN: ...and Mecha Geese Howard!

[A fifty-foot tall metal replica of the Ratio-6 SNK boss steps out from behind one of the buildings. A Generic Gundam runs toward MGH, brandishing a beam sword, but just as it reaches MGH, MGH grabs it and hurls it down a side street, causing it to crash into a building and explode for no real reason.]

MGH <synthesized>: PREDICTABLE!
ANNOUNCER MAN: So buy the Hulkamania Preparation Kit today at your favorite retail store, and you'll know what to do when Hulkamania tries to run wild on you!

[ANNOUNCER MAN gives you a thumbs up as the screen fades to black.]

---

SHERL: Gah, infomercials.
BRANDT: Mecha Geese Howard in downtown Tokyo? Boy, that brings back memories...
SHERL ...right.
[*CLICK*]

---

ICE: Where do you expect them to put it, man? They don't have anything. They're from some nest... or something.
DUB: ...nest? You rented that room to agents of NESTS?

[IGNIZOKT and ZERRO walk back into the living room.]

IGNIZOKT: We are the overlords of NESTS and our technology is advanced beyond all that you can possibly comprehend with one hundred percent of your brain.
DUB: Oh, is that so? ...and what is so "advanced" about it?
IGNIZOKT: Well for one thing NESTS HQ has one-third less gravity than your Earth. I don't know if you can understand but our aerial techniques for initiating combination attacks are beyond all measurement.
DUB: ...so what you're saying is NESTS is more advanced because you can perform cross-ups?

---

ALAIR: Hey, Team Unplugged Funky Force!
SHERL: Bo-ring.
[*CLICK*]

---

[SCENE: The top of a hill in the middle of a misty pine forest. All is quiet, but trumpet music begins to slowly fade in as the unmistakable form of the Metal Slug appears. Then, as
the background music reaches full crescendo (Soldier's Morning (Destroy and Win)) it is revealed that the Metal Slug is strapped to the back of a heavily built man wearing combat boots, camoflage pants, a brown T-shirt and olive vest, with a camoflage bandanna tied around his head. He continues to jog up the hill in perfect cadence to the music, showing no visible signs of straining under the immense weight he carries. The camera follows him through the forest as the music continues playing. Eventually, a burst of static is heard. The man reaches behind him and pulls out a small field radio.]

MAN: Hmm?

[Someone on the other end says something, but the words can't be heard clearly over the static. The man has no apparent trouble, however.]

MAN: Hmm.

[Putting the radio back behind his back, the man runs offscreen.]

[Cut to a brick-paved street in a small war-torn town. Dozens of soldiers in green uniforms and helmets are milling about, patrolling the area, restocking their tanks' ammunition, cooking dinner over an open flame, or working on their tan. In the middle of it all is GENERAL MORDEN, surveying the scene from atop a huge multi-turreted tank with no small sense of satisfaction. Near the outskirts of the town, two soldiers are having a conversation.]

SOLDIER 1: So he actually charges after you on a *camel?*
SOLDIER 2: Hey, it had a gun mounted on the side.
SOLDIER 1: So wha'd you do?
SOLDIER 2: Well, I just said, "look, I'm trying to get out of this alive too." Then I remembered I left my rifle just behind me, so I started stepping backwards with my hands in the air like so...

[The SOLDIER begins stepping backwards with his hands in the air, but ends up bumping into someone. He turns around to confront him, but...]

SOLDIER 2: Hey, watch where you're- AAAHHH!!

[He falls to the ground and begins crawling backwards in abject horror before pointing a shaking finger at the man.]

SOLDIER: S-S-Slugata Sanshiro!!

[Upon hearing the hapless soldier utter this name, the other soldiers scream and recoil in abject horror. MORDEN turns to look at SLUGATA with hatred burning in his eyes.]

MORDEN: You...

[The view changes to the man from the beginning of the commercial standing with his arms crossed in front of his chest... and yes, he's still carrying the Metal Slug on his back. The words "Capt. Slugata Sanshiro, Sparrows Special Unit" appear on the bottom of the screen. He quickly uncrosses his arms, revealing two large high-caliber rifles. Cut back to MORDEN, who points to SLUGATA.]

MORDEN: GET HIM!!

[The next few scenes are nothing less than complete and utter carnage, the sole source of which is SLUGATA, as illustrated by quick cuts and shots where he hurls potato masher-style grenades at a group of soldiers; fires dual uzis offscreen; puts a soldier in a headlock and beats him over the head with a tonfa; lights a soldier on fire with a flamethrower, who then bumps into a group of soldiers and lights *them* on fire in turn; completely destroys a tank with a barrage of rockets; and knocks out a soldier with a punch glove. The montage ends with SLUGATA commandeering a Bradley missile launcher and setting it on auto-destruct, causing it to plow head-first into MORDEN's tank, destroying it in a tremendous explosion. When the smoke clears, MORDEN is left lying on top of the wreckage, still in one piece but badly scorched. SLUGATA climbs on top of what once was the General's tank and surveys the battlefield: The roads are covered with craters, soldiers are strewn hither and yon, and piles of scrap that were once tanks and trucks lie about, all serving as reminders of what was once a proud military victory. MORDEN coughs up a cloud of smoke, and strains to look up at his conqueror.]

MORDEN: Slugata Sanshiro... why?

[Grabbing MORDEN by the neck, SLUGATA carries him into the ruins of an arcade and over to the Neo-Geo machine (which, remarkably, is still working). With a look of pure range upon his face, he drags his index finger across the buttons and holds up in front of MORDEN's face.]

MORDEN: D-dust??

[SLUGATA walks outside of the arcade, rears his arm back and hurls MORDEN into the air. Undoing the buckles keeping the Metal Slug attached to his back, SLUGATA lets the tank drop to the ground with a heavy thud. Boarding the tank, he aims the main cannon at the still-airborne dictator and fires. The POV changes to that of the shell as it heads straight for MORDEN, and just before impact it switches back to SLUGATA as he pokes his head out of the hatch and watches the fireworks. Looking around the town he nods in satisfaction, then goes back into the Metal Slug and drives off.]

ANNOUNCER: Metal Slug: Play it now or SLUGATA SANSHIRO WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND KICK YOUR ASS!

---

THIEF: ...yeah, right. Like some burly Japanese asshole with a toy tank strapped to his back is going to fucking scare *me*. Back me up, bitches.
[Silence.]
THIEF: Hey, I said- ...eh?
[THIEF looks around to see VIPER and ONIKO at a Neo-Geo arcade cabinet, MAX and ALAIR with Neo-Geo Pockets and SHERL at a computer running an emulator. Three guesses as to what they're playing.]
THIEF: You goddamned pussies. I can't believe you're actually afraid of-
[A shadow looms over THIEF. He looks up in annoyance.]
THIEF: Hey, what the fuck do you- [pales] ...oh, shit.
[The shadow belongs to none other than SLUGATA SANSHIRO, who currently has a Real Damn Pissed expression on his face.]
THIEF: S-slugata Sans-s-shiro... how nice of you to-URK!
[SLUGATA picks up THIEF by the throat, slams him face-first into the ground, pulls the Metal Slug off of his back (with one hand, no less) and brings it down on THIEF with a resounding crunch, then picks it back up to find THIEF plastered to the bottom. Scraping him off with a baton, he sets the tank back down and drives off to parts unknown.]
VIPER: Man, the Mecha Slug is awesome.
ONIKO: That it is young Viper, that it is.
LANCE <over intercom>: We have returned from... hey, what the hell are you goons doing down there?? Sit down and get back to suffering!
[Small crane arms lower from the ceiling and grab the computer, arcade cabinet and Neo-Geo Pockets. ALL grumble and reluctantly take their seats.]
LANCE <over inercom>: ...and where did you get THAT little device, Sherly? You don't know where it's been!
[Another crane arm drops down and yanks the remote out of SHERL's grasp.]
SHERL: Hey!
MAX: Man, I hope that guy doesn't find out that I was playing Gals Fighters...



Posted on Feb 25, 2004, 4:04 PM
from IP address 24.195.121.126

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I'm still diggin' it, BUT...

by Demon K. (no login)

...after reading Chimera's intro, if Nnirk is still locked away, you may have to change your intro text a bit. Just replace DHP for Nnirk, it should work out fine.


Just checking continuity, is all.

Posted on Feb 25, 2004, 9:30 PM
from IP address 64.61.218.129

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106 question and terrible idea.

by (no login)

The question is, are the same people going to be in the theater in 106, or what?

And the terrible idea is:

From Leb Industries, the makers of Quimquaff, comes a new drink to help you lose weight! New low-fat Quimfast!

Posted on Feb 18, 2004, 4:12 PM
from IP address 165.95.7.5

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You realize that's not funny. You also realize that it's not even vaugly original. (n/t)

by Shade (no login)

Honestly.

Posted on Feb 18, 2004, 6:21 PM
from IP address 152.163.253.3

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106?

by (no login)

Okay, I've heard that ep. 106 is scheduled to begin in January? Anybody have a specific date?

Posted on Jan 13, 2004, 11:19 AM
from IP address 24.194.131.82

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It's still scheduled for January

by Lainer (no login)

In much the same way that Duke Nukem Foever is scheduled for Christmas 1998.

Keep Left-->

Posted on Jan 13, 2004, 2:31 PM
from IP address 216.175.92.58

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Speaking of which...

by t.ogre (no login)


...what are the 'fics we're using for 106 (part two of the Reign of Fox-ian Terror)?

t.ogre
qwfh

Posted on Jan 14, 2004, 4:29 AM
from IP address 143.166.255.16

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Try not to kill yourself: It's the rest of 'Tales of Adam'. (nt)

by Chimera (no login)

[sighs and gets out a knife to cut down t.ogre's gently swinging corpse] I knew that'd happen.

Posted on Jan 14, 2004, 6:23 PM
from IP address 172.154.30.72

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Need me to pick up the trash?

by (no login)

I suppose if I should contribute anything to this thing, it'll be to carry the body to the curb for the trash.

Posted on Jan 14, 2004, 9:43 PM
from IP address 24.194.131.82

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Hell no! t.ogre's my buddy!

by Chimera (no login)

We should at least chop him up and flush him so a part of him will always linger with us, at least in the septic system.

I'd put him on the compost heap... but he doesn't strike me as a vegetarian (not enough of a pussy), and meat-eater's digestive system can have a bad effect on plants, I understand.

Least, that's what Cosmos tells me she's learned from her murders.

-Chimera

Posted on Jan 15, 2004, 9:17 PM
from IP address 172.147.212.80

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Wood chipper. [nods sagely] [n/t]

by t.ogre (no login)



Posted on Jan 16, 2004, 1:07 AM
from IP address 143.166.255.18

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I learned what from what, now?

by Cosmos (no login)

No, no, no. Blood is actually good for plants, it's a source of nitrogen. Why do you think the sites of great battles are always described as looking green and lush in the following years? All the carnage amounts to a heavy dose of fertilizer. No, the problem is that the meat itself attracts scavengers.

...and that's Masters not murders you psychotic little deviant.

Cosmos


Posted on Jan 16, 2004, 8:02 PM
from IP address 12.73.131.155

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Wait, what?

by Chimera, FED to the world (no login)

Masters? Murders? Eh. Whatever, I wasn't listening anyways, I was staring at- uh. Nevermind.

Actually, I knew that blood was great for plants, but at one time a friend of mine who works at a plant nursery said that the feces (and logically the intestines) of meat-eaters couldn't be used for fertilizer, having something to do with the bacteria.

And we all know that after t.ogre has committed suicide, he'd hate so much for his feces to possibly wilt the tulip planter.

-Chimera
Hey! I'm a Fucking Evil Deviant, get it right!

Posted on Jan 16, 2004, 10:12 PM
from IP address 172.130.113.3

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True.

by Cosmos (no login)

I wouldn't recommend using them for food crops, but there's no reason it couldn't be used for ornamentals. By the way, I refuse to believe I'm having this conversation.

Cosmos

Posted on Jan 17, 2004, 4:02 PM
from IP address 12.73.132.207

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Weren't we going to do one of the ToA-parters along with something else though?

by Alair (no login)

I'm not sure it would really be necessary, but I think that was the plan at one point.

Posted on Jan 14, 2004, 9:45 PM
from IP address 172.130.85.33

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Yeah, but...

by t.ogre (no login)


We had discussed using the rest of "The Last Cardcaptor" or whatever the hell that story was called, but it's being pushed back to 107, for when t.ogre is actually back in the theater.

t.ogre
qwfh

Posted on Jan 15, 2004, 3:41 AM
from IP address 143.166.255.16

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I take it, then, that we are in the market for fodder? [N/T]

by Lysander (no login)

Fodder's something I'm good at finding. I wish I wasn't.

Posted on Jan 15, 2004, 9:10 PM
from IP address 208.151.120.10

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Not at this time.

by t.ogre (no login)


From what I recall, we have 'fics through 107. We've only done HALF of ToA, and 107 was supposed to be the rest of the Cardcaptor thing with the Cabbit story of which Cosmos was so fond, if I remember properly.

So we're looking at a minimum of three months before we need more material.

But thanks for the offer, you masochist. ;-)

t.ogre
qwfh

Posted on Jan 16, 2004, 1:11 AM
from IP address 143.166.255.18

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Yeah, but, see, like, wasn't the second half of ToA too short for one episode? [N/T]

by Lysander (no login)

Wasn't that what we (or I should say, you guys) decided?

Posted on Jan 16, 2004, 10:36 AM
from IP address 208.151.120.33

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Um, no.

by t,ogre (no login)

It's just about as long as what we've done thus far (which means it's about forty "chapters" too long for any rational person to read).

I don't think we're gonna have any problem filling an entire episode with what's left.

t.ogre
qwfh

Posted on Jan 16, 2004, 8:48 PM
from IP address 66.25.143.182

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Oh. Well, then, I'll just be fading back into the boardworks now. Don't mind me. [N/T]

by Lysander (no login)

*rustle rustle rustle*

Posted on Jan 17, 2004, 1:43 AM
from IP address 208.151.120.33

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Can ya' be more specific? (N/T)

by (no login)

:-/

Posted on Jan 14, 2004, 12:02 PM
from IP address 24.194.131.82

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Late January. [nt]

by The General (no login)

Really

Posted on Jan 14, 2004, 6:01 PM
from IP address 209.158.205.142

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Ah, thanks. [nt] :-)

by (no login)



Posted on Jan 15, 2004, 11:31 AM
from IP address 24.194.131.82

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*** UPDATE -- PLEASE READ ***

by t.ogre (no login)

Unless someone else posts the chapters, 106 won't be starting until after 10 February.

I've got some RL stuff going on right now that's kinda in the way of me getting anything done here, and, as such, until it's resolved, I will not be functional here for the time being (i.e., if I'm here at all, it'll be very seldom).

Please bear with me. The last couple of days have been rather traumatic for me, and I'm coping the best I can. After 10 February, all should be clear on my front to sally forth upon our new adventure.

I apologize for the delay.

t.ogre
qwfh

Posted on Jan 28, 2004, 1:19 AM
from IP address 143.166.255.18

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Hell, I think we can wait

by Lainer (no login)

Plus, we haven't even called seats yet.

Posted on Jan 28, 2004, 4:48 PM
from IP address 216.175.114.238

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Actually, we haven't decided anything apart from the choice of fic.

by Idiotbox (no login)

The rest of ToA, right?

But, yeah, we can probably put stuff like setting, mads and seats off until later.

Posted on Jan 28, 2004, 6:26 PM
from IP address 213.249.179.79

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There's still one big hurdle to clear anyway.

by Cosmos (no login)

We still need to know what happens in 105. Until we have all the skits finished, I don't think we should move on to 106. I don't think it'd be too good an idea to get two episodes behind in skits.

Posted on Jan 29, 2004, 5:40 PM
from IP address 12.73.135.26

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No problem. [nt]

by The General (no login)



Posted on Jan 29, 2004, 9:46 PM
from IP address 141.152.50.105

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UMGAH!!

by (no login)

Impatience is kinda a bad feeling, isn't it? Shut up, Shade.

Anywho, I was wondering who was supposed to write the opening, middle, and closing sketches for 105? None of them are done, unless I miss my guess. Wouldn't now be a good time to sort of get them out of the way, since, as we all know, we're just the speediest bunch of workers this side of Sanity Line.

-Sherlock
"I dunno... it just--just seems to make sense, is all."

Posted on Jan 19, 2004, 7:19 PM
from IP address 68.168.168.253

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Well, they don't necessarily have to be completed...

by t.ogre (no login)


...we just need to know what the next setting is going to be before we start 106.

I personally would like to see us back in the original theater for 107, but that's just me.

t.ogre
qwfh

Posted on Jan 20, 2004, 1:15 AM
from IP address 143.166.255.16

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Ooh! Idea!

by Lysander (no login)

The setting for 107 is a theater that the Mysterious Evil Villain (TM) created specifically for Lance.

That means that the structure itself has been pain-stakingly engineered, down to the last smallest detail, to be the ultimate personification of tort--oh, who am I kidding? Its just a cheap factory-made knockoff. So, it means that the theater has several things designed to do things like stop riffers from getting out of hand, but since its been made to make a profit above all else, not all of them work right. Some of them have been slightly saturated with the Spirit Of The MMKTM, and as such do slightly goofy and unexpected things.

Etc.



Posted on Jan 20, 2004, 10:38 AM
from IP address 208.151.120.50

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That's a good idea... which reminds me:

by O. Hakubi (no login)

We don't know who TEH SUPAR-SEKRIT MISTERY VILLAIN ZOMG is going to be. Any plans, or is it going to be another palette-swap?

--O. Hakubi
"That's three drinks right there."

Posted on Jan 20, 2004, 2:53 PM
from IP address 24.195.121.126

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It's like this (and like that and like this-)

by Chimera (no login)

I have the intro, working from Shade's notes (mostly). Lainer and Penfold already did the first sketch (which is also our commercial break). Midpoint break, third break, and finale are all open, however I plan on calling at least one of them.

And Lysander, technically we kind of already HAVE that sort of thing ALL the time. Except with the MMKness, it's just general goofiness.

As far as the ubervillian, I had some ideas, but none which I thought would fly. Some of the more amusing rejects:

A) Tom Servo. Yes, THE Tom Servo. Why? Well, in several sketches in MST3k, there are very strong hints at Tom's dealings with organized crime syndicates and various evil during the 500 years he spent off the Satelite of Love.

B) From Starcraft, the Overmind's retarded younger brother, striking out on his own.

C) Wanderer. He's got plenty of reasons to have gone mad and it'd be an amusing Metal Gear Solid 2 type twist for him to be working with Searcher. Rejected this one immediately though... can't imagine he'd go for it and we're tied enough to MOT without adding this on.

D) The Toyman, from the old Superfriends TV show. He's enough of a dumbass screwup to belong on the cast and he has the exact sort of 'toys' that the Mads have been using to cause the riffers pain. Additionally, the space station in ep 102 was exactly the kind of dumbass thing he'd own.

E) Briefly toyed with the idea of borrowing the Drab Lord or the Soveriegn of Sorrow. Amusing image, bad idea.

F) I considered using either a villian from Lance's past, or one from Brandt's... since they're the only guy with archenemies mentioned in their charguides, as far as I know. However, I figured some might object... additionally, both villians are fairly serious guys and therefore not great for comedy.

G) Brainiac, from the Superman canon. After all, Quasispace IS kinda like the multi-planar zone into which the Kryptonians threw General Zod and their other exiles.

H) Related to E, establish that every world in Quasispace is actually a videogame dimension and make the main villian Motherbrain. Past episodes would need to be edited to change 'he' to 'she', of course...

I) Triphids! w00t!

J) I briefly considered making the main villian Borf, from Space Ace. Why? He's cool. That's about it.

As far as what I'm really going to settle on, I'm not sure yet. Course, if one of these somehow miraculously gets enormous acclaim, I s'pose I might hafta put him in the intro sketch.

Posted on Jan 21, 2004, 12:30 AM
from IP address 172.168.245.188

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I vote for John Romero's head on a stick. (nt)

by O. Hakubi (no login)

*re-reads Chimera's post*

...holy crap.

*takes three drinks, then reads this post again and takes a fourth*

Posted on Jan 21, 2004, 3:32 PM
from IP address 24.195.121.126

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Actually, no, fuck that.

by O. Hakubi (no login)

I vote for a combination empire builder-media mogul that's employing the QPT thing as the first foray into a new market/territory. More details to come if anyone gives a damn.

--O. Hakubi
"It's called Socratic Irony and loaded questions."

Posted on Jan 23, 2004, 2:17 PM
from IP address 24.195.121.126

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Actually, I'd considered something on a similar line...

by Chimera (no login)

If you kept up with the edits, you might've noticed the Manhunt ref being thrown in. That was kind of a hidden bit of foreshadowing for what sort of villian I might use.

Same principle as your Running Man/Manhunt thing, almost.

Posted on Jan 24, 2004, 1:30 AM
from IP address 172.158.190.54

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Why can't we just have something relatively plain instead?

by Idiotbox (no login)

Something like, I don't know, a generic Marvel villian or a Transformer? Or, hell just a regular human like one of the SNK bosses?

Posted on Jan 21, 2004, 6:47 PM
from IP address 213.249.148.252

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Because those would all be stupid and woefully anticlimactic. (n/t)

by Shade (no login)

Also, you're an idiot.

Posted on Jan 23, 2004, 1:03 AM
from IP address 152.163.253.3

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I kinda liked the Servo one

by Zelyhon (no login)

...But being new here, I don't think that counts for much. In this vein of thought, here are some other probably rejects that were brought to my petty, finals clogged brain as I read those ideas.

(a) Desty Nova from Battle Angel Alita (I'm not yet sure of the policy on drawing upon compete characters from other series to insert, since I am new and couldn't find anything in the guides about it.) This seems like just the sort of twisted, karmic experiment he'd pull for his own amusement.

(b) Along with the character taking thing, Xellos would be an interesting one to have manipulating the strings of the character's destiny for amusement.

(c) A Puchuu. With all the oddness in Excel Saga, they wouldn't be that far out of place, at least in my opinion.

(d) A Mage: the Ascension Son of Ether, attempting to cause humans to reach ascension through the shattering of sanity. They're just the test case.

These are just some ideas. If you find them to be inappropriate or otherwise plain stupid, please respond with whatever seething barbs of hatred you deem are necessary for the crime.

Posted on Jan 22, 2004, 12:43 AM
from IP address 67.121.170.21

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Actually...

by Shade (no login)

Lance's Archnemesis From The Past is dead. Lance ripped his throat out with his bare hands.

So that wouldn't really work.

Posted on Jan 23, 2004, 12:59 AM
from IP address 152.163.253.3

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Also, I'm not sure any of the more goofy suggestions would work.

by Shade (no login)

I mean, ep 103 kind of established that The Mystery Villain scares the crap out of quite a few people.*

But then, he could just turn out of have a voice modifier, and keeps in the shadows to hide his identitey so people won't laugh at him, so what do i know?

(Well, Lainer anyway, and he could just be a wuss. I dunno.)

Posted on Jan 23, 2004, 1:04 AM
from IP address 152.163.253.3

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Well how about...

by (no login)

What about Flavia from the Roman Story Arc of MST3K? I know she's a copyrighted character but I think she'd be a pretty good MAD. I mean she could use the victims as a test to see if the fanfic can drive Pearl, Bobo, and Brain Guy insane or something like that.

Posted on Jan 23, 2004, 3:38 PM
from IP address 64.80.233.194

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That may be the stupidest thing I've ever even heard of. (n/t)

by Shade (no login)

...

Posted on Jan 23, 2004, 10:19 PM
from IP address 152.163.253.3

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You mean the Mystery Villian isn't Searcher? [nt]

by The General (no login)

Huh.

Posted on Jan 23, 2004, 3:59 PM
from IP address 141.152.50.105

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No, you giant lug wrench, The secret mystery villainTM is not Searcher. [N/T]

by Lysander (no login)

Searcher and the Secret Mysterious VillainTM have three phone conversations. Helloooooo?

Posted on Jan 23, 2004, 6:34 PM
from IP address 208.151.120.56

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... Why would we make him a mystery villain the very episode after his first appearance?

by Shade did not include text (no login)

Oy

Posted on Jan 23, 2004, 10:21 PM
from IP address 152.163.253.3

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I've got one suggestion.

by Demon K. (no login)

I mean, with the various characters suggested so far (and that the fact that I geeked out and bought a action figure of him), I figured, heck, let's make the Uber-Secret Villian Starscream.

Yep, from Transformers. THAT Starscream.

I figure that, for motivation, he's planning to dump Megatron into a theater to drive him mad so he can take over, and he's been using the Quasi-Krewe as guinnea-pigs.

Or heck, let's create a Trivumerate of Evil (or at least annoying) Robots and team Starscream, Tom Servo, Bender, and any others that fit the bill to do the job.


Demon K.
--What can I say, Energon Starscream is leet.

Posted on Jan 24, 2004, 1:24 AM
from IP address 64.61.217.76

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Agreementing

by Lainer (no login)

Also, suggestating that Servo be replaced with HK-47.

Meatbags-->

Posted on Jan 24, 2004, 5:45 PM
from IP address 216.175.114.238

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I guess I might be the only one that feels this way, but-

by Cosmos (no login)

-I always assumed that our mysterious villain would be a character of our own creation at the very least, and at best, one of the riffers would volunteer. This is my personal opinion, but I find it kind of cheesy to plop an established character from somewhere else into Quasispace. We're all very creative people, and if we can't think up something for ourselves, that's kind of sad.

This could be a great setup for the second season, too. In the final episode of season 1, we reveal that the villain is actually so-and-so, then end it on a cliffhanger with he/she/it seemingly at the mercy of a horde of angry riffers. In the second season, our villain bribes/blackmails one or more of the riffers to help him/her/it escape and the season progresses as the riffers pursue the fleeing villain through various theaters. He/she/it can set up automated theaters to catch/slow/destroy the riffers or hire/bribe/blackmail various riffers as Mads. The riffers are now fighting through the theaters with a clear goal of killing the mysterious villain (and optionally the villain can have the one piece of technology needed to get everyone out of Quasispace).

I don't know, am I the only one thinking along these lines?

Cosmos

Posted on Jan 24, 2004, 7:57 PM
from IP address 12.73.132.20

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That actually was kinda my original intention.

by Shade (no login)

'Cept without the 'Chasing him through Quasispace' deal, but I tend not to think that far ahead.

But gosh darnit, everyone else seemed to be having so much fun.

Posted on Jan 25, 2004, 12:13 AM
from IP address 152.163.253.3

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The original character thing seemed to be a given, yes.

by O. Hakubi (no login)

Also - and this is just personal opinion - it would be nice if, after 107, the characters were returned home temporarily. Six months, we'll say. Mostly for the sake of any side stories, filler or character development (HA!) that may occur or need to take place. Also, it could make for a halfway decent "you've ruined my plans, blah blah blah, I will return" moment.

Caring strangely too much about this...

Posted on Jan 25, 2004, 12:35 AM
from IP address 24.195.121.126

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Some thoughts.

by Idiotbox (no login)

If the characters were allowed to leave Quasispace at the end of the season then, we could start the second season [if we ever get that far] with a revenge type plot e.g. character A follows character B back into the theatre to get revenge on character B. Or something.

Also, if the mystery villain turns out to be one of the riffers would having it be someone who no one else suspects [say Cosmos] would have the most dramatic effect, right?

Further to that pint, does it make more sense if said character is someone whose been around since the beginning [say the first two episodes]?

Posted on Jan 27, 2004, 11:14 AM
from IP address 213.249.179.79

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It's a given that I/we would use an original char. The rejects are there for fun.

by Chimera (no login)

Call it the 'what if' post.

Though as I said at the bottom, if for some reason most of Quasispace jumped up and shouted in one voice, WE MUST HAVE TOYMAN (or Tom Servo or the Triphids), than obviously I would've had to make him our villian.

On a side note about the Starscream/whatever triumverate, while this is a funny idea, we already have about half a dozen non-player characters already. Let's not add in ninety more we need to keep track of... at the very least, let's kill off some old ones.

THIEF: [hefts a hammer] Magical Wrench Fairy go squish now!
[*WHAM*]

Posted on Jan 25, 2004, 5:11 AM
from IP address 172.157.15.60

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Why not have the mother/fatherbrain Phil be the major badguy?

by Zelyhon (no login)

You know, trying to mold one of the riffers into the one that the Phils are seeking...


Well, I found it amusing. As a side note, if we ever need characters, I have stored characters from far too many RPs I never got going that could be (ab)used on a whim.

Posted on Jan 26, 2004, 11:24 PM
from IP address 67.121.169.243

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I suppose an original character could work...

by Demon K. (no login)

...probably should work.

I have this one villian character named Mister Blank (quickie summary - think 'Centuries-old, self-healing shapeshifting assassin') I've been using on-and-off (on a few mesageboards) and I suppose, if you like him, we can use him.

But not as the Uber-Secret-Bad.

I have the idea of, just as the USB hired Lance Walker to monitor the Quasi-Krewe, the USB hired Mister Blank to monitor Walker (secretly, of course). Should Lance lose control of the 'experiment', Blank steps in and takes over. Oniko suggested that 'our heroes' go back home after this grand adventure, heck, we could have Blank do the "I'll send you back to Dream City if you let me go" deal. Then for second season, we could bring him back occasionaly (along with the USB, whenever we figure out who/what he/she/it is.

Then again, it's just an idea. Let me know if this seems workable and I'll add more to Blank's bio.


Demon K.
--Who likes typing (with apostrophes)

Posted on Jan 25, 2004, 2:12 PM
from IP address 64.61.217.54

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Hmmm.

by t.ogre (no login)

First, I must say watching Shade respond to the posts is like watching Simon Cowell during "American Idol" auditions. I'm amused.

As far as an ubervillain, I don't think we even need to address that yet. I wouldn't mind seeing Searcher return as the watcher, and have Shade battle Searcher at the end of 107, but I'd like to see the ubervillain stay in the background for quite a while, with hints and clues about him/her/it/whatever, but in no way do we need to introduce or even address the ubervillain in 107, especially since we're in the middle of the first season (13 episodes per season, remember?).

Oh, and Chimera, I've got some ideas about the ubervillian. I'll e-mail you.

t.ogre
qwfh

Posted on Jan 29, 2004, 4:05 AM
from IP address 143.166.226.18

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Shade has nothing on Simon Cowell.

by Idiotbox (no login)

/I must say watching Shade respond to the posts is like watching Simon Cowell during "American Idol" auditions./

If you thought that was something, you should have seen him on the original Pop Idol over here. Ouch.

Posted on Jan 29, 2004, 12:08 PM
from IP address 213.249.179.79

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Err, is that good or bad? (n/t)

by Shade (no login)

Haven't had television in over a year.

Posted on Jan 29, 2004, 2:52 PM
from IP address 152.163.253.3

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ep 104 obscure

by 20X3 Lainer (no login)

I was going to put this off for a few more days, but I just found it half done on my computer, so I figured what the hell, and ended up finishing it. A few of these might overlap with the music list, and I honestly don't care.

VIPER: I'd like to introduce the President, the President's husband, and her
mistress.

---

DRAGO <Aladdin>: Good teens take off their clothes!

Lainer: I don't know, on the one hand, some people might not get it. On the other hand, if you *haven't* heard of it, you probably haven't been on the internet long enough.

---

> Jasmine hung her head low ignoring the bidding war, she did not even
> look to see her new master.

ZANDAR <Papa Lazarou>: Your my wife, now.
M: Mozanrath?

---

> He has been trying to
> find the secret to imortality.

COSMOS <Ally>: Why doesn't he just use cinnabar, mercury and arsenic?
M <Bob>: He says it disagrees with his stomach.

---

M: No, that's a fake dick. *That's* a wrap.
[M points to a mass of fruit salad held together with Glad Wrap, marching around
the tank. It holds a sign reading, "Get the fuck off my house. Bitch."]

---

> "Actually we are here for information, we wanna know where we can find
> Francis Newman Stien." Kaitlin said.

ZANDAR <Asuka>: STIEN!

---

ZANDAR <mob>: Learn to read, motherfucker!
M <Ally>: No, I-
ZANDAR <mob>: I said learn to read! [mimes beating M with a bat]
M <Ally>: I can't- OH GOD!

---

DRAGO <Dave>: And if that stream should become a rushing torrent, a raging
cataract, why I shall ford that womanly river...

---

> Ally gets three more wishes!

DRAGO <Ally>: How about... a beer mug that never runs out of beer?
M <genie>: Your wish is my command.
[DRAGO mimes picking up and drinking a beer mug]
DRAGO <Ally>: Hmm, this is pretty good. How about two more of these?

Lainer: I'm not sure if this counts as obscure, but I'm going to tell you about it anyways. FOX's children's programing segment used to have a quartly magazine that was sent to subscibers, and they'd have some sort of original comic based on whatever shows were on at that time. Well, in one issue they had a comic for Mad Jack the Pirate where Jack and his first mate Snuk were trapped in the middle of a desert. Snuk found a genie's bottle, and the above situation took place. Needless to say, Jack looked about ready to turn Snuk into two half Snuks after the end of the comic.

---

> Far from camp, in the cold desert night the ghost of the bare wench
> dropped cheryl on the cold rocky ground.

M <ghost>: Crap! Ran out of Pathos. Now where did I leave that Fetter...?

---

DRAGO <professor Schwarr, the root beer drinking man>: Now, Mr. Johnson, if we
could discuss those punch cards...

---

> in the phoenix sub-urbs...

SDR: Tenchi was hitting on Athena, Sephiroth was working off his community
service, and Aki was angsting... *again*.

Lainer: yeah, okay, I'm sorry. I know the thing about injokes, but it just seemed to fit. There's this MUX that I used to frequent called phoenix where all the characters are from either anime or video games. Needless to say, interesting situations arouse.

---

> meanwhile back in the living room...

NNIRK <southern accent>: Operator? Get me room 321, please.

---

DAVID: Maybe I should've just shouted 'HAMMER TIME!'
DUB: ...no. No, you shouldn't. Ever.

---

> "OH YES OH YEAH."

DUB: That was the best track off the '1977' album! I can see screaming it out
during orgasm.


---

DAVID: But without any miners, you can't get the diamond, and then you can't buy
the Runaway Five's freedom, and- [notices others staring] ...never mind.

---

NNIRK: Excuse me, creepy narrator, but you've already told us you were pinned
with absolutely no possibility of escape. How exactly would you manage to
forfeit your life?
MAX: Simple. Bite his tongue and bleed to death.
SDR: Or use an eyelash and a fingernail.

---

> She tried to rationalize it again. Somebody dressed up as a vampyre to
> play a joke on her,

DAVID <Mark Kendall>: I do not look like a vampire!

Lainer: from the early Jim Carrey movie Once Bitten. After Carrey gets turned into a vampire he starts wearing all black clothing, a black trench coat, and black sunglasses. While he's going to a halloween party with his girlfirend every keeps stopping him and telling him that he has a great vampire costume, which causes him to respond with the above. It's true too, he looked more like the Terminator.

---

DUB <boy>: My life is dead, my soul is dead, my love is dead, my little cactus I
bought in Arizona is dead.

---

DUB: Psh. Put away the Blackfire elemental before Joseph tracks you down, pussy.

---

T.OGRE <Joe C>: Yo, kid! Tell 'em what yer name is!
BRANDT: [bolts to his feet, upsetting EON] My name is BRAAAAAAANNNNN-

--

LAINER: Kick ass! A soul labret!

--

EON <Andrew>: I've got a feeling. A feeling I can't hide... oh, no.

--

> I guess that means that he goes to my school.* She noticed that she was
shaking
> and stopped.

THIEF <Kyra>: Yeah, that's enough thinking about Samsung in one day.

--
> "My dad always tells me that I’m just like my grandmother when she was
> twelve Erica," Kyra replied to her best friend.

BRANDT <Kyra>: Yeah, want to see the necklace she left me? That's odd, I wonder
why it's pointing down the hallway.

Lainer: The resemblances between Kyra and Escaflowne's Hitmomi are made later on in the fic, but I got the first one. Huzzah. This one's refering to Hitomi's magic necklace that points in the direction of really bad events.

Editing note: I'm an idiot for not noticing this, but I should have dropped the "yeah" from that line. I thought Kyra's friend was talking...

--

> Now that brought whispers from the class. "I wonder if he’ll be able to
> speak Japanese," whispered a boy.

ROBBIE: Yes, but only in his Sailor Soldier form.

Lainer: I took this one from a stupid Sailor Moon fic that I think either Dragomorph or Meagan MSTed. If it wasn't them, then I don't have the slightest idea who did it.

--

BRANDT: That's one hell of a gaze attack.

Another editing note, and this one's obvious enough that I'm surprised that no one caught it.

--

BRANDT: Because Der Kommisar's in town.
ALL <nodding sagely>: Whoa-oooh.

--

> "I know I’ve sensed it before, but now I forgot where."
>
> "That’s the same with us Kyra," said Kristen.

KAO: These people must be related to Shinnosuke.

--

LAINER <Kristen>: That's because they don't have women in America, sweetie.
THIEF: Not since O'Neill's Plague, at least.

--

LAINER <Kyo>: We must search for "him."
EON <Benitora>: Yes, it could only be "him" behind this.
KAO <Yuya>: But can we really defeat "him?"
BRANDT <Sanada>: We can only hope, for if "he" rises we'll revert to Civil War.
ROBBIE: JUST FUCKING SAY HIS NAME ALREADY!
[Beat.]
LAINER <Kyo>: Yes, "he" is the cause of all this evil.
[ROBBIE seethes.]

--

When he heard the

BRANDT: -music years before, but the man there said the music wouldn't play?

> sound,

BRANDT: I was wrong? Nng! I blame you for this! [points a finger at the
entrance] Bang!

--

> Her senses suddenly sensed that presence again and she quickly shot her
> head up again.

T.OGRE: Cracking it against the cabinet, stumbling into the cabinet of dolls,
before finally collapsing atop the pile of life-saving junk mail.

Lainer: The junk mail might be throwing me off, but isn't this how you save the Babblefish in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy game?

--

> Kyra quickly ran to her window and opened it.

LAINER <Clarissa>: Oh, hey Sam.
[A guitar twangs in the background.]

Lainer: From Melissa Joan Hart's first TV show, Clarissa Explains It All. Sam would always, and only, enter the scene by climbing in through Clarissa's bedroom window. It should be noted that I like this TV show far more than I really should.

--

But it suddenly glowed

T.OGRE: -causing the Matrix-born mirror to stop working. She'd go to see Sparrow
in the morning to have it repaired.

--

BRANDT: Aaahhh! Its the thing from the end of THE LURKING HORROR! Run for your
life before it kills us all!

--

THIEF: At which point her body launched an infant out the window at Mach 12 who
grew old and crash-landed in a grave on the other side of the planet.
ROBBIE: I'm not even going to ask.

Lainer: And Robbie shouldn't have to, since he's probably seen it. Thief's refering to a british Xbox commercial.

--

> As she looked out the window at the lake, she noticed a ripple in the
> surface.

JAKE <Sanford>: Now y'all stop tossin' my wine in the lake!

--

GEN: Geez, John Haloren's surfacing *again*. Doesn't anyone know how to hide a
body in a lake anymore?

Lainer: Actually, the whole point of this riff was to have Jake make it; this was way before Gen's time. It's a referance to Francis Ford Coppola's first film, Dementia 13.

--

CHAR <looking at the magazine>: Seems like transparent miniskirts are in, and
women's rights are out. What a surprise.

Lainer: At the time I wrote that, miniskirts with transperant butts were aperantly all the rage in Japan.

--

> It
> pushed its head down inside the tight denim and ran down, splitting her
> jeans open as it moved down her panties.

ICE: Well, it had to do that; to stop her from suffocating.
ONIKO: Yea. If its moment of indecisiveness had caused her to die, then it could
never have lived with itself.

Lainer: Yeah, okay, I'm never going to live this one down. This is a referance to the hentai game Nocturnal Illusion. At one point the main character gets attacked by one of his housemates wearing a suit of evil armor. He stops her, but after geting the armor off he finds that she's unconcous. He then removes all of her clothing except her panties under the pretense that they might be preventing her from breathing, but that still doesn't solve anything. If you then choose not to remove her panties, you get text similar to the above. For the record I heard about the game from Sharkey (http://www.solidsharkey.com/nocturnal.html) and SA (http://somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=466); I've actually never played a Hentai game.

--

> She cried out and tossed, her eyes closed and face
> flushed, as the three serpent-heads sucked her breasts

GEN: -trying very hard to ignore the fact that Lord Tyler was taking up most of
the room.

--

> one stretching inside her body from
> that one spot within her,

GEN: -also known as the biological thermonuclear bomb that the alien race hid in
her clone body.

--

> and she shrieked as a long serpent thrust up
> between her legs and parted the lips of her vagina.

ONIKO: However, there was already a Remington water-pistol pressed in there by a
Dare the lesbian assassin.

--

ONIKO: If you don't kill him with the one correct object in the game within five
turns, he'll keep getting angrier and angrier until he'll appear to calm down
only to rip you to shreds with his oversized teeth. [nods sagely]

--

JAKE <Jessica Fletcher>: I don't know about the rest of the world, but Cabot
Cove has been quiet lately.

--

CHAR: ...then came the Night Wraith brigade and then they overwhelmed the moon
frogs and then the Yellow Priest knew he was fucked.

--


Posted on Nov 2, 2003, 11:14 PM
from IP address 216.175.96.145

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Only a couple.

by Penfold (no login)

VIPER: I'd like to introduce the President, the President's husband, and her
mistress.

---

DRAGO <Aladdin>: Good teens take off their clothes!

Lainer: I don't know, on the one hand, some people might not get it. On the other hand, if you *haven't* heard of it, you probably haven't been on the internet long enough.

---

> Jasmine hung her head low ignoring the bidding war, she did not even
> look to see her new master.

ZANDAR <Papa Lazarou>: Your my wife, now.
M: Mozanrath?

---

> He has been trying to
> find the secret to imortality.

COSMOS <Ally>: Why doesn't he just use cinnabar, mercury and arsenic?
M <Bob>: He says it disagrees with his stomach.

---

M: No, that's a fake dick. *That's* a wrap.
[M points to a mass of fruit salad held together with Glad Wrap, marching around
the tank. It holds a sign reading, "Get the fuck off my house. Bitch."]

---

> "Actually we are here for information, we wanna know where we can find
> Francis Newman Stien." Kaitlin said.

ZANDAR <Asuka>: STIEN!

---

ZANDAR <mob>: Learn to read, motherfucker!
M <Ally>: No, I-
ZANDAR <mob>: I said learn to read! [mimes beating M with a bat]
M <Ally>: I can't- OH GOD!

---

DRAGO <Dave>: And if that stream should become a rushing torrent, a raging
cataract, why I shall ford that womanly river...

---

> Ally gets three more wishes!

DRAGO <Ally>: How about... a beer mug that never runs out of beer?
M <genie>: Your wish is my command.
[DRAGO mimes picking up and drinking a beer mug]
DRAGO <Ally>: Hmm, this is pretty good. How about two more of these?

Lainer: I'm not sure if this counts as obscure, but I'm going to tell you about it anyways. FOX's children's programing segment used to have a quartly magazine that was sent to subscibers, and they'd have some sort of original comic based on whatever shows were on at that time. Well, in one issue they had a comic for Mad Jack the Pirate where Jack and his first mate Snuk were trapped in the middle of a desert. Snuk found a genie's bottle, and the above situation took place. Needless to say, Jack looked about ready to turn Snuk into two half Snuks after the end of the comic.

---

> Far from camp, in the cold desert night the ghost of the bare wench
> dropped cheryl on the cold rocky ground.

M <ghost>: Crap! Ran out of Pathos. Now where did I leave that Fetter...?

---

DRAGO <professor Schwarr, the root beer drinking man>: Now, Mr. Johnson, if we
could discuss those punch cards...

---

> in the phoenix sub-urbs...

SDR: Tenchi was hitting on Athena, Sephiroth was working off his community
service, and Aki was angsting... *again*.

Lainer: yeah, okay, I'm sorry. I know the thing about injokes, but it just seemed to fit. There's this MUX that I used to frequent called phoenix where all the characters are from either anime or video games. Needless to say, interesting situations arouse.

---

> meanwhile back in the living room...

NNIRK <southern accent>: Operator? Get me room 321, please.

---

DAVID: Maybe I should've just shouted 'HAMMER TIME!'
DUB: ...no. No, you shouldn't. Ever.

Penfold: A reference to MC Hammer that should probably go in the Riffola Musica section. I'll have to agree with dub's response, by the way.

---

> "OH YES OH YEAH."

DUB: That was the best track off the '1977' album! I can see screaming it out
during orgasm.


---

DAVID: But without any miners, you can't get the diamond, and then you can't buy
the Runaway Five's freedom, and- [notices others staring] ...never mind.

---

NNIRK: Excuse me, creepy narrator, but you've already told us you were pinned
with absolutely no possibility of escape. How exactly would you manage to
forfeit your life?
MAX: Simple. Bite his tongue and bleed to death.
SDR: Or use an eyelash and a fingernail.

---

> She tried to rationalize it again. Somebody dressed up as a vampyre to
> play a joke on her,

DAVID <Mark Kendall>: I do not look like a vampire!

Lainer: from the early Jim Carrey movie Once Bitten. After Carrey gets turned into a vampire he starts wearing all black clothing, a black trench coat, and black sunglasses. While he's going to a halloween party with his girlfirend every keeps stopping him and telling him that he has a great vampire costume, which causes him to respond with the above. It's true too, he looked more like the Terminator.

---

DUB <boy>: My life is dead, my soul is dead, my love is dead, my little cactus I
bought in Arizona is dead.

---

DUB: Psh. Put away the Blackfire elemental before Joseph tracks you down, pussy.

---

T.OGRE <Joe C>: Yo, kid! Tell 'em what yer name is!
BRANDT: [bolts to his feet, upsetting EON] My name is BRAAAAAAANNNNN-

Penfold: More Musica. This is the beginning to Kid Rock's "Bawidaba," or something close to it.

--

LAINER: Kick ass! A soul labret!

--

EON <Andrew>: I've got a feeling. A feeling I can't hide... oh, no.

--

> I guess that means that he goes to my school.* She noticed that she was
shaking
> and stopped.

THIEF <Kyra>: Yeah, that's enough thinking about Samsung in one day.

Penfold: "Samsung means 'to come.'" This was a flash that was linked to on the Ballad a couple months before we started this episode.

--
> "My dad always tells me that I’m just like my grandmother when she was
> twelve Erica," Kyra replied to her best friend.

BRANDT <Kyra>: Yeah, want to see the necklace she left me? That's odd, I wonder
why it's pointing down the hallway.

Lainer: The resemblances between Kyra and Escaflowne's Hitmomi are made later on in the fic, but I got the first one. Huzzah. This one's refering to Hitomi's magic necklace that points in the direction of really bad events.

Editing note: I'm an idiot for not noticing this, but I should have dropped the "yeah" from that line. I thought Kyra's friend was talking...

--

> Now that brought whispers from the class. "I wonder if he’ll be able to
> speak Japanese," whispered a boy.

ROBBIE: Yes, but only in his Sailor Soldier form.

Lainer: I took this one from a stupid Sailor Moon fic that I think either Dragomorph or Meagan MSTed. If it wasn't them, then I don't have the slightest idea who did it.

--

BRANDT: That's one hell of a gaze attack.

Another editing note, and this one's obvious enough that I'm surprised that no one caught it.

--

BRANDT: Because Der Kommisar's in town.
ALL <nodding sagely>: Whoa-oooh.

--

> "I know I’ve sensed it before, but now I forgot where."
>
> "That’s the same with us Kyra," said Kristen.

KAO: These people must be related to Shinnosuke.

Penfold: Shinnosuke is the broom-weilding guardian of Ryugenzawa in Ranma 1/2. His memory holds information almost as well as the average net holds water.

--

LAINER <Kristen>: That's because they don't have women in America, sweetie.
THIEF: Not since O'Neill's Plague, at least.

--

LAINER <Kyo>: We must search for "him."
EON <Benitora>: Yes, it could only be "him" behind this.
KAO <Yuya>: But can we really defeat "him?"
BRANDT <Sanada>: We can only hope, for if "he" rises we'll revert to Civil War.
ROBBIE: JUST FUCKING SAY HIS NAME ALREADY!
[Beat.]
LAINER <Kyo>: Yes, "he" is the cause of all this evil.
[ROBBIE seethes.]

--

When he heard the

BRANDT: -music years before, but the man there said the music wouldn't play?

> sound,

BRANDT: I was wrong? Nng! I blame you for this! [points a finger at the
entrance] Bang!

--

> Her senses suddenly sensed that presence again and she quickly shot her
> head up again.

T.OGRE: Cracking it against the cabinet, stumbling into the cabinet of dolls,
before finally collapsing atop the pile of life-saving junk mail.

Lainer: The junk mail might be throwing me off, but isn't this how you save the Babblefish in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy game?

--

> Kyra quickly ran to her window and opened it.

LAINER <Clarissa>: Oh, hey Sam.
[A guitar twangs in the background.]

Lainer: From Melissa Joan Hart's first TV show, Clarissa Explains It All. Sam would always, and only, enter the scene by climbing in through Clarissa's bedroom window. It should be noted that I like this TV show far more than I really should.

--

But it suddenly glowed

T.OGRE: -causing the Matrix-born mirror to stop working. She'd go to see Sparrow
in the morning to have it repaired.

--

BRANDT: Aaahhh! Its the thing from the end of THE LURKING HORROR! Run for your
life before it kills us all!

--

THIEF: At which point her body launched an infant out the window at Mach 12 who
grew old and crash-landed in a grave on the other side of the planet.
ROBBIE: I'm not even going to ask.

Lainer: And Robbie shouldn't have to, since he's probably seen it. Thief's refering to a british Xbox commercial.

--

> As she looked out the window at the lake, she noticed a ripple in the
> surface.

JAKE <Sanford>: Now y'all stop tossin' my wine in the lake!

Penfold: I'm assuming that this Sanford has male progeny, as in "Sanford and Son."

--

GEN: Geez, John Haloren's surfacing *again*. Doesn't anyone know how to hide a
body in a lake anymore?

Lainer: Actually, the whole point of this riff was to have Jake make it; this was way before Gen's time. It's a referance to Francis Ford Coppola's first film, Dementia 13.
Penfold: ...I'm not sure I want to know...

--

CHAR <looking at the magazine>: Seems like transparent miniskirts are in, and
women's rights are out. What a surprise.

Lainer: At the time I wrote that, miniskirts with transperant butts were aperantly all the rage in Japan.

--

> It
> pushed its head down inside the tight denim and ran down, splitting her
> jeans open as it moved down her panties.

ICE: Well, it had to do that; to stop her from suffocating.
ONIKO: Yea. If its moment of indecisiveness had caused her to die, then it could
never have lived with itself.

Lainer: Yeah, okay, I'm never going to live this one down. This is a referance to the hentai game Nocturnal Illusion. At one point the main character gets attacked by one of his housemates wearing a suit of evil armor. He stops her, but after geting the armor off he finds that she's unconcous. He then removes all of her clothing except her panties under the pretense that they might be preventing her from breathing, but that still doesn't solve anything. If you then choose not to remove her panties, you get text similar to the above. For the record I heard about the game from Sharkey (http://www.solidsharkey.com/nocturnal.html) and SA (http://somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=466); I've actually never played a Hentai game.

--

> She cried out and tossed, her eyes closed and face
> flushed, as the three serpent-heads sucked her breasts

GEN: -trying very hard to ignore the fact that Lord Tyler was taking up most of
the room.

--

> one stretching inside her body from
> that one spot within her,

GEN: -also known as the biological thermonuclear bomb that the alien race hid in
her clone body.

Penfold: Is the the "Jean Bomb" (that ain't a typo) from Uncanny X-Men?

--

> and she shrieked as a long serpent thrust up
> between her legs and parted the lips of her vagina.

ONIKO: However, there was already a Remington water-pistol pressed in there by a
Dare the lesbian assassin.

--

ONIKO: If you don't kill him with the one correct object in the game within five
turns, he'll keep getting angrier and angrier until he'll appear to calm down
only to rip you to shreds with his oversized teeth. [nods sagely]

--

JAKE <Jessica Fletcher>: I don't know about the rest of the world, but Cabot
Cove has been quiet lately.

Penfold: From "Murder, She Wrote." If you visited Cabot Cove, Maine, it was to kill someone. If not, you were either the victim or framed for the murder.

--

CHAR: ...then came the Night Wraith brigade and then they overwhelmed the moon
frogs and then the Yellow Priest knew he was fucked.

--



Posted on Nov 3, 2003, 1:27 AM
from IP address 24.130.81.205

Respond to this message

Return to Index

Couple more, left some.

by Chimera (no login)

VIPER: I'd like to introduce the President, the President's husband, and her mistress.

---

DRAGO <Aladdin>: Good teens take off their clothes!

Lainer: I don't know, on the one hand, some people might not get it. On the other hand, if you *haven't* heard of it, you probably haven't been on the internet long enough.

---

> Jasmine hung her head low ignoring the bidding war, she did not even
> look to see her new master.

ZANDAR <Papa Lazarou>: Your my wife, now.
M: Mozanrath?

---

> He has been trying to
> find the secret to imortality.

COSMOS <Ally>: Why doesn't he just use cinnabar, mercury and arsenic?
M <Bob>: He says it disagrees with his stomach.

---

M: No, that's a fake dick. *That's* a wrap.
[M points to a mass of fruit salad held together with Glad Wrap, marching around
the tank. It holds a sign reading, "Get the fuck off my house. Bitch."]

---

> "Actually we are here for information, we wanna know where we can find
> Francis Newman Stien." Kaitlin said.

ZANDAR <Asuka>: STIEN!

---

ZANDAR <mob>: Learn to read, motherfucker!
M <Ally>: No, I-
ZANDAR <mob>: I said learn to read! [mimes beating M with a bat]
M <Ally>: I can't- OH GOD!

Chimera: From the www.sixsixfive.com website, a new take on the 'fight against illiteracy' programs.

---

DRAGO <Dave>: And if that stream should become a rushing torrent, a raging cataract, why I shall ford that womanly river...

Chimera: From 'The Kids in the Hall'... Dave talks about how he's the Guy Who's Okay About Menstration, and goes on in exhaustive detail about how he can handle even the heaviest flows.

---

> Ally gets three more wishes!

DRAGO <Ally>: How about... a beer mug that never runs out of beer?
M <genie>: Your wish is my command.
[DRAGO mimes picking up and drinking a beer mug]
DRAGO <Ally>: Hmm, this is pretty good. How about two more of these?

Lainer: I'm not sure if this counts as obscure, but I'm going to tell you about it anyways. FOX's children's programing segment used to have a quartly magazine that was sent to subscibers, and they'd have some sort of original comic based on whatever shows were on at that time. Well, in one issue they had a comic for Mad Jack the Pirate where Jack and his first mate Snuk were trapped in the middle of a desert. Snuk found a genie's bottle, and the above situation took place. Needless to say, Jack looked about ready to turn Snuk into two half Snuks after the end of the comic.

---

> Far from camp, in the cold desert night the ghost of the bare wench
> dropped cheryl on the cold rocky ground.

M <ghost>: Crap! Ran out of Pathos. Now where did I leave that Fetter...?

---

DRAGO <professor Schwarr, the root beer drinking man>: Now, Mr. Johnson, if we could discuss those punch cards...

---

> in the phoenix sub-urbs...

SDR: Tenchi was hitting on Athena, Sephiroth was working off his community service, and Aki was angsting... *again*.

Lainer: yeah, okay, I'm sorry. I know the thing about injokes, but it just seemed to fit. There's this MUX that I used to frequent called phoenix where all the characters are from either anime or video games. Needless to say, interesting situations arouse.

---

> meanwhile back in the living room...

NNIRK <southern accent>: Operator? Get me room 321, please.

---

DAVID: Maybe I should've just shouted 'HAMMER TIME!'
DUB: ...no. No, you shouldn't. Ever.

Penfold: A reference to MC Hammer that should probably go in the Riffola Musica section. I'll have to agree with dub's response, by the way.
Chimera: Sadly I feel COMPELLED to shout 'HAMMERTIME!' whenever somebody shouts STOP. It's a sickness, I know!

---

> "OH YES OH YEAH."

DUB: That was the best track off the '1977' album! I can see screaming it out during orgasm.

---

DAVID: But without any miners, you can't get the diamond, and then you can't buy the Runaway Five's freedom, and- [notices others staring] ...never mind.

---

NNIRK: Excuse me, creepy narrator, but you've already told us you were pinned with absolutely no possibility of escape. How exactly would you manage to forfeit your life?
MAX: Simple. Bite his tongue and bleed to death.
SDR: Or use an eyelash and a fingernail.

---

> She tried to rationalize it again. Somebody dressed up as a vampyre to
> play a joke on her,

DAVID <Mark Kendall>: I do not look like a vampire!

Lainer: from the early Jim Carrey movie Once Bitten. After Carrey gets turned into a vampire he starts wearing all black clothing, a black trench coat, and black sunglasses. While he's going to a halloween party with his girlfirend every keeps stopping him and telling him that he has a great vampire costume, which causes him to respond with the above. It's true too, he looked more like the Terminator.

---

DUB <boy>: My life is dead, my soul is dead, my love is dead, my little cactus I bought in Arizona is dead.

---

DUB: Psh. Put away the Blackfire elemental before Joseph tracks you down, pussy.

---

T.OGRE <Joe C>: Yo, kid! Tell 'em what yer name is!
BRANDT: [bolts to his feet, upsetting EON] My name is BRAAAAAAANNNNN-

Penfold: More Musica. This is the beginning to Kid Rock's "Bawidaba," or something close to it.

--

LAINER: Kick ass! A soul labret!



--

EON <Andrew>: I've got a feeling. A feeling I can't hide... oh, no.

--

> I guess that means that he goes to my school.* She noticed that she was shaking
> and stopped.

THIEF <Kyra>: Yeah, that's enough thinking about Samsung in one day.

Penfold: "Samsung means 'to come.'" This was a flash that was linked to on the Ballad a couple months before we started this episode.

--
> "My dad always tells me that I’m just like my grandmother when she was
> twelve Erica," Kyra replied to her best friend.

BRANDT <Kyra>: Yeah, want to see the necklace she left me? That's odd, I wonder why it's pointing down the hallway.

Lainer: The resemblances between Kyra and Escaflowne's Hitmomi are made later on in the fic, but I got the first one. Huzzah. This one's refering to Hitomi's magic necklace that points in the direction of really bad events.

Editing note: I'm an idiot for not noticing this, but I should have dropped the "yeah" from that line. I thought Kyra's friend was talking...

--

> Now that brought whispers from the class. "I wonder if he’ll be able to
> speak Japanese," whispered a boy.

ROBBIE: Yes, but only in his Sailor Soldier form.

Lainer: I took this one from a stupid Sailor Moon fic that I think either Dragomorph or Meagan MSTed. If it wasn't them, then I don't have the slightest idea who did it.

--

BRANDT: That's one hell of a gaze attack.

Another editing note, and this one's obvious enough that I'm surprised that no one caught it.

--

BRANDT: Because Der Kommisar's in town.
ALL <nodding sagely>: Whoa-oooh.

Chimera: Man, I disguised a LOT of music riffs as normal ones, didn't I?

--

> "I know I’ve sensed it before, but now I forgot where."
>
> "That’s the same with us Kyra," said Kristen.

KAO: These people must be related to Shinnosuke.

Penfold: Shinnosuke is the broom-weilding guardian of Ryugenzawa in Ranma 1/2. His memory holds information almost as well as the average net holds water.

--

LAINER <Kristen>: That's because they don't have women in America, sweetie.
THIEF: Not since O'Neill's Plague, at least.

--

LAINER <Kyo>: We must search for "him."
EON <Benitora>: Yes, it could only be "him" behind this.
KAO <Yuya>: But can we really defeat "him?"
BRANDT <Sanada>: We can only hope, for if "he" rises we'll revert to Civil War.
ROBBIE: JUST FUCKING SAY HIS NAME ALREADY!
[Beat.]
LAINER <Kyo>: Yes, "he" is the cause of all this evil.
[ROBBIE seethes.]

--

When he heard the

BRANDT: -music years before, but the man there said the music wouldn't play?

> sound,

BRANDT: I was wrong? Nng! I blame you for this! [points a finger at the entrance] Bang!

Chimera: The first bit's actually a music ref to Don McLean's "The Day the Music Died". The second bit's just Brandt getting frustrated and blaming the door.

--

> Her senses suddenly sensed that presence again and she quickly shot her
> head up again.

T.OGRE: Cracking it against the cabinet, stumbling into the cabinet of dolls, before finally collapsing atop the pile of life-saving junk mail.

Lainer: The junk mail might be throwing me off, but isn't this how you save the Babblefish in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy game?
Chimera: Nope. "The Kids in the Hall", this is Kevin MacDonald's tale of how junk mail saved his life (by stopping the bleeding from his head when he cracked it on a cabinet by standing up too fast). Fun guess though.

--

> Kyra quickly ran to her window and opened it.

LAINER <Clarissa>: Oh, hey Sam.
[A guitar twangs in the background.]

Lainer: From Melissa Joan Hart's first TV show, Clarissa Explains It All. Sam would always, and only, enter the scene by climbing in through Clarissa's bedroom window. It should be noted that I like this TV show far more than I really should.

--

But it suddenly glowed

T.OGRE: -causing the Matrix-born mirror to stop working. She'd go to see Sparrow in the morning to have it repaired.

Chimera: This is a reference to David Drake's Northworld trilogy. See, these artificers in the Northworld use this sub-universe called the Matrix to craft things. A glowing magic necklace interfered with the mirror's connection to the Matrix, causing this princess chick to need to see Sparrow to get it fixed.

--

BRANDT: Aaahhh! Its the thing from the end of THE LURKING HORROR! Run for your life before it kills us all!

--

THIEF: At which point her body launched an infant out the window at Mach 12 who grew old and crash-landed in a grave on the other side of the planet.
ROBBIE: I'm not even going to ask.

Lainer: And Robbie shouldn't have to, since he's probably seen it. Thief's refering to a british Xbox commercial.

--

> As she looked out the window at the lake, she noticed a ripple in the
> surface.

JAKE <Sanford>: Now y'all stop tossin' my wine in the lake!

Penfold: I'm assuming that this Sanford has male progeny, as in "Sanford and Son."
Chimera: Yep. See, Sanford was always drinking Ripple wine...

--

GEN: Geez, John Haloren's surfacing *again*. Doesn't anyone know how to hide a body in a lake anymore?

Lainer: Actually, the whole point of this riff was to have Jake make it; this was way before Gen's time. It's a referance to Francis Ford Coppola's first film, Dementia 13.
Penfold: ...I'm not sure I want to know...

--

CHAR <looking at the magazine>: Seems like transparent miniskirts are in, and women's rights are out. What a surprise.

Lainer: At the time I wrote that, miniskirts with transperant butts were apparently all the rage in Japan.

--

> It
> pushed its head down inside the tight denim and ran down, splitting her
> jeans open as it moved down her panties.

ICE: Well, it had to do that; to stop her from suffocating.
ONIKO: Yea. If its moment of indecisiveness had caused her to die, then it could never have lived with itself.

Lainer: Yeah, okay, I'm never going to live this one down. This is a referance to the hentai game Nocturnal Illusion. At one point the main character gets attacked by one of his housemates wearing a suit of evil armor. He stops her, but after geting the armor off he finds that she's unconcous. He then removes all of her clothing except her panties under the pretense that they might be preventing her from breathing, but that still doesn't solve anything. If you then choose not to remove her panties, you get text similar to the above. For the record I heard about the game from Sharkey (http://www.solidsharkey.com/nocturnal.html) and SA (http://somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=466); I've actually never played a Hentai game.

--

> She cried out and tossed, her eyes closed and face
> flushed, as the three serpent-heads sucked her breasts

GEN: -trying very hard to ignore the fact that Lord Tyler was taking up most of the room.

Chimera: In Heavy Metal 2000, evildoer Tyler sucks on heroine Julie's breasts. It stuck with me because it's the only sex scene in a movie which should've been overflowing with them.

--

> one stretching inside her body from
> that one spot within her,

GEN: -also known as the biological thermonuclear bomb that the alien race hid in her clone body.

Penfold: Is the the "Jean Bomb" (that ain't a typo) from Uncanny X-Men?
Chimera: Nope. It's a reference to 'Imposter', a seemingly unknown film with Gary Sinese about a government gone (understandably) mad with paranoia trying to find bio-nukes that aliens hid in artificial humans.

--

> and she shrieked as a long serpent thrust up
> between her legs and parted the lips of her vagina.

ONIKO: However, there was already a Remington water-pistol pressed in there by a Dare the lesbian assassin.

--

ONIKO: If you don't kill him with the one correct object in the game within five turns, he'll keep getting angrier and angrier until he'll appear to calm down only to rip you to shreds with his oversized teeth. [nods sagely]

--

JAKE <Jessica Fletcher>: I don't know about the rest of the world, but Cabot Cove has been quiet lately.

Penfold: From "Murder, She Wrote." If you visited Cabot Cove, Maine, it was to kill someone. If not, you were either the victim or framed for the murder.

--

CHAR: ...then came the Night Wraith brigade and then they overwhelmed the moon frogs and then the Yellow Priest knew he was fucked.

--

Posted on Nov 3, 2003, 3:00 AM
from IP address 172.134.114.54

Respond to this message

Return to Index

More obscure than I thought...

by Dragomorph (no login)

VIPER: I'd like to introduce the President, the President's husband, and her mistress.

Dragomorph: Oy vey, this is hard to explain... I don't know a DANG thing about the movie this is from. I just remember hearing a snippet of it in a commercial for what I THINK is a movie channel, or something in England. It's actually bastardized to fit the situation. Anybody know? I think it's a National Lampoon film, or something.

---

DRAGO <Aladdin>: Good teens take off their clothes!

Lainer: I don't know, on the one hand, some people might not get it. On the other hand, if you *haven't* heard of it, you probably haven't been on the internet long enough.

---
> Jasmine hung her head low ignoring the bidding war, she did not even
> look to see her new master.

ZANDAR <Papa Lazarou>: Your my wife, now.
M: Mozanrath?

Dragomorph: Don't know much 'bout the former, but Mozanrath was a villain from the TV version of Aladdin, and quite possibly the only example of a Disney villain who can honestly be described as "bish." Incidentally, that's the wrong "your," damnit.

---
> He has been trying to
> find the secret to imortality.

COSMOS <Ally>: Why doesn't he just use cinnabar, mercury and arsenic?
M <Bob>: He says it disagrees with his stomach.

Dragomorph: Bwa ha. You can TELL I wrote this riff during my Asian History class. Cinnabar, mercury and arsenic is the Daoist formula for immortality. Not that it WORKED, of course...

---
M: No, that's a fake dick. *That's* a wrap.
[M points to a mass of fruit salad held together with Glad Wrap, marching around
the tank. It holds a sign reading, "Get the fuck off my house. Bitch."]

---
> "Actually we are here for information, we wanna know where we can find
> Francis Newman Stien." Kaitlin said.

ZANDAR <Asuka>: STIEN!

---

ZANDAR <mob>: Learn to read, motherfucker!
M <Ally>: No, I-
ZANDAR <mob>: I said learn to read! [mimes beating M with a bat]
M <Ally>: I can't- OH GOD!

Chimera: From the www.sixsixfive.com website, a new take on the 'fight against illiteracy' programs.

---

DRAGO <Dave>: And if that stream should become a rushing torrent, a raging cataract, why I shall ford that womanly river...

Chimera: From 'The Kids in the Hall'... Dave talks about how he's the Guy Who's Okay About Menstration, and goes on in exhaustive detail about how he can handle even the heaviest flows.

---

> Ally gets three more wishes!

DRAGO <Ally>: How about... a beer mug that never runs out of beer?
M <genie>: Your wish is my command.
[DRAGO mimes picking up and drinking a beer mug]
DRAGO <Ally>: Hmm, this is pretty good. How about two more of these?

Lainer: I'm not sure if this counts as obscure, but I'm going to tell you about it anyways. FOX's children's programing segment used to have a quartly magazine that was sent to subscibers, and they'd have some sort of original comic based on whatever shows were on at that time. Well, in one issue they had a comic for Mad Jack the Pirate where Jack and his first mate Snuk were trapped in the middle of a desert. Snuk found a genie's bottle, and the above situation took place. Needless to say, Jack looked about ready to turn Snuk into two half Snuks after the end of the comic.

---

> Far from camp, in the cold desert night the ghost of the bare wench
> dropped cheryl on the cold rocky ground.

M <ghost>: Crap! Ran out of Pathos. Now where did I leave that Fetter...?

---

DRAGO <professor Schwarr, the root beer drinking man>: Now, Mr. Johnson, if we could discuss those punch cards...

---

> in the phoenix sub-urbs...

SDR: Tenchi was hitting on Athena, Sephiroth was working off his community service, and Aki was angsting... *again*.

Lainer: yeah, okay, I'm sorry. I know the thing about injokes, but it just seemed to fit. There's this MUX that I used to frequent called phoenix where all the characters are from either anime or video games. Needless to say, interesting situations arouse.

---

> meanwhile back in the living room...

NNIRK <southern accent>: Operator? Get me room 321, please.

---

DAVID: Maybe I should've just shouted 'HAMMER TIME!'
DUB: ...no. No, you shouldn't. Ever.

Penfold: A reference to MC Hammer that should probably go in the Riffola Musica section. I'll have to agree with dub's response, by the way.
Chimera: Sadly I feel COMPELLED to shout 'HAMMERTIME!' whenever somebody shouts STOP. It's a sickness, I know!

---

> "OH YES OH YEAH."

DUB: That was the best track off the '1977' album! I can see screaming it out during orgasm.

---

DAVID: But without any miners, you can't get the diamond, and then you can't buy the Runaway Five's freedom, and- [notices others staring] ...never mind.

Dragomorph: Half-assed Earthbound reference. One of the sidequests requires you to get a diamond from some miners who are having problems in their cave. Incidentally, I am between the second and the fourth best riffer in this group. ^_^

---

NNIRK: Excuse me, creepy narrator, but you've already told us you were pinned with absolutely no possibility of escape. How exactly would you manage to forfeit your life?
MAX: Simple. Bite his tongue and bleed to death.
SDR: Or use an eyelash and a fingernail.

---

> She tried to rationalize it again. Somebody dressed up as a vampyre to
> play a joke on her,

DAVID <Mark Kendall>: I do not look like a vampire!

Lainer: from the early Jim Carrey movie Once Bitten. After Carrey gets turned into a vampire he starts wearing all black clothing, a black trench coat, and black sunglasses. While he's going to a halloween party with his girlfirend every keeps stopping him and telling him that he has a great vampire costume, which causes him to respond with the above. It's true too, he looked more like the Terminator.

---

DUB <boy>: My life is dead, my soul is dead, my love is dead, my little cactus I bought in Arizona is dead.

---

DUB: Psh. Put away the Blackfire elemental before Joseph tracks you down, pussy.

---

T.OGRE <Joe C>: Yo, kid! Tell 'em what yer name is!
BRANDT: [bolts to his feet, upsetting EON] My name is BRAAAAAAANNNNN-

Penfold: More Musica. This is the beginning to Kid Rock's "Bawidaba," or something close to it.

--

LAINER: Kick ass! A soul labret!

--

EON <Andrew>: I've got a feeling. A feeling I can't hide... oh, no.

--

> I guess that means that he goes to my school.* She noticed that she was shaking
> and stopped.

THIEF <Kyra>: Yeah, that's enough thinking about Samsung in one day.

Penfold: "Samsung means 'to come.'" This was a flash that was linked to on the Ballad a couple months before we started this episode.

--

> "My dad always tells me that I’m just like my grandmother when she was
> twelve Erica," Kyra replied to her best friend.

BRANDT <Kyra>: Yeah, want to see the necklace she left me? That's odd, I wonder why it's pointing down the hallway.

Lainer: The resemblances between Kyra and Escaflowne's Hitmomi are made later on in the fic, but I got the first one. Huzzah. This one's refering to Hitomi's magic necklace that points in the direction of really bad events.
Editing note: I'm an idiot for not noticing this, but I should have dropped the "yeah" from that line. I thought Kyra's friend was talking...

--

> Now that brought whispers from the class. "I wonder if he’ll be able to
> speak Japanese," whispered a boy.

ROBBIE: Yes, but only in his Sailor Soldier form.

Lainer: I took this one from a stupid Sailor Moon fic that I think either Dragomorph or Meagan MSTed. If it wasn't them, then I don't have the slightest idea who did it.
Dragomorph: Doesn't sound like one I did...
--

BRANDT: That's one hell of a gaze attack.

Another editing note, and this one's obvious enough that I'm surprised that no one caught it.

--

BRANDT: Because Der Kommisar's in town.
ALL <nodding sagely>: Whoa-oooh.

Chimera: Man, I disguised a LOT of music riffs as normal ones, didn't I?

--
> "I know I’ve sensed it before, but now I forgot where."
>
> "That’s the same with us Kyra," said Kristen.

KAO: These people must be related to Shinnosuke.

Penfold: Shinnosuke is the broom-weilding guardian of Ryugenzawa in Ranma 1/2. His memory holds information almost as well as the average net holds water.

--

LAINER <Kristen>: That's because they don't have women in America, sweetie.
THIEF: Not since O'Neill's Plague, at least.

--

LAINER <Kyo>: We must search for "him."
EON <Benitora>: Yes, it could only be "him" behind this.
KAO <Yuya>: But can we really defeat "him?"
BRANDT <Sanada>: We can only hope, for if "he" rises we'll revert to Civil War.
ROBBIE: JUST FUCKING SAY HIS NAME ALREADY!
[Beat.]
LAINER <Kyo>: Yes, "he" is the cause of all this evil.
[ROBBIE seethes.]

Dragomorph: This is mocking the half-assed fansub job in the B-rated anime "Samurai Deeper Kyo," possibly the only anime set in the time of Nobunaga that STILL manages to stuff Tokyo Tower in by the last episode. Basically, for half the show, the characters refer to a "him" without telling us who "he" is, and then even when it's revealed who "he" is, they STILL freaking say "him." Shitty, shitty anime.

--
When he heard the

BRANDT: -music years before, but the man there said the music wouldn't play?

> sound,

BRANDT: I was wrong? Nng! I blame you for this! [points a finger at the entrance] Bang!

Chimera: The first bit's actually a music ref to Don McLean's "The Day the Music Died". The second bit's just Brandt getting frustrated and blaming the door.

--

> Her senses suddenly sensed that presence again and she quickly shot her
> head up again.

T.OGRE: Cracking it against the cabinet, stumbling into the cabinet of dolls, before finally collapsing atop the pile of life-saving junk mail.

Lainer: The junk mail might be throwing me off, but isn't this how you save the Babblefish in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy game?
Chimera: Nope. "The Kids in the Hall", this is Kevin MacDonald's tale of how junk mail saved his life (by stopping the bleeding from his head when he cracked it on a cabinet by standing up too fast). Fun guess though.

--

> Kyra quickly ran to her window and opened it.

LAINER <Clarissa>: Oh, hey Sam.
[A guitar twangs in the background.]

Lainer: From Melissa Joan Hart's first TV show, Clarissa Explains It All. Sam would always, and only, enter the scene by climbing in through Clarissa's bedroom window. It should be noted that I like this TV show far more than I really should.

--

But it suddenly glowed

T.OGRE: -causing the Matrix-born mirror to stop working. She'd go to see Sparrow in the morning to have it repaired.

Chimera: This is a reference to David Drake's Northworld trilogy. See, these artificers in the Northworld use this sub-universe called the Matrix to craft things. A glowing magic necklace interfered with the mirror's connection to the Matrix, causing this princess chick to need to see Sparrow to get it fixed.

--

BRANDT: Aaahhh! Its the thing from the end of THE LURKING HORROR! Run for your life before it kills us all!

--

THIEF: At which point her body launched an infant out the window at Mach 12 who grew old and crash-landed in a grave on the other side of the planet.
ROBBIE: I'm not even going to ask.

Lainer: And Robbie shouldn't have to, since he's probably seen it. Thief's refering to a british Xbox commercial.

--

> As she looked out the window at the lake, she noticed a ripple in the
> surface.

JAKE <Sanford>: Now y'all stop tossin' my wine in the lake!

Penfold: I'm assuming that this Sanford has male progeny, as in "Sanford and Son."
Chimera: Yep. See, Sanford was always drinking Ripple wine...

--

GEN: Geez, John Haloren's surfacing *again*. Doesn't anyone know how to hide a body in a lake anymore?

Lainer: Actually, the whole point of this riff was to have Jake make it; this was way before Gen's time. It's a referance to Francis Ford Coppola's first film, Dementia 13.
Penfold: ...I'm not sure I want to know...

--

CHAR <looking at the magazine>: Seems like transparent miniskirts are in, and women's rights are out. What a surprise.

Lainer: At the time I wrote that, miniskirts with transperant butts were apparently all the rage in Japan.

--

> It
> pushed its head down inside the tight denim and ran down, splitting her
> jeans open as it moved down her panties.

ICE: Well, it had to do that; to stop her from suffocating.
ONIKO: Yea. If its moment of indecisiveness had caused her to die, then it could never have lived with itself.

Lainer: Yeah, okay, I'm never going to live this one down. This is a referance to the hentai game Nocturnal Illusion. At one point the main character gets attacked by one of his housemates wearing a suit of evil armor. He stops her, but after geting the armor off he finds that she's unconcous. He then removes all of her clothing except her panties under the pretense that they might be preventing her from breathing, but that still doesn't solve anything. If you then choose not to remove her panties, you get text similar to the above. For the record I heard about the game from Sharkey (http://www.solidsharkey.com/nocturnal.html) and SA (http://somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=466); I've actually never played a Hentai game.
Dragomorph: Suuuure you haven't.

--

> She cried out and tossed, her eyes closed and face
> flushed, as the three serpent-heads sucked her breasts

GEN: -trying very hard to ignore the fact that Lord Tyler was taking up most of the room.

Chimera: In Heavy Metal 2000, evildoer Tyler sucks on heroine Julie's breasts. It stuck with me because it's the only sex scene in a movie which should've been overflowing with them.

--
> one stretching inside her body from
> that one spot within her,

GEN: -also known as the biological thermonuclear bomb that the alien race hid in her clone body.

Penfold: Is the the "Jean Bomb" (that ain't a typo) from Uncanny X-Men?
Chimera: Nope. It's a reference to 'Imposter', a seemingly unknown film with Gary Sinese about a government gone (understandably) mad with paranoia trying to find bio-nukes that aliens hid in artificial humans.

--

> and she shrieked as a long serpent thrust up
> between her legs and parted the lips of her vagina.

ONIKO: However, there was already a Remington water-pistol pressed in there by a Dare the lesbian assassin.

--

ONIKO: If you don't kill him with the one correct object in the game within five turns, he'll keep getting angrier and angrier until he'll appear to calm down only to rip you to shreds with his oversized teeth. [nods sagely]

--

JAKE <Jessica Fletcher>: I don't know about the rest of the world, but Cabot Cove has been quiet lately.

Penfold: From "Murder, She Wrote." If you visited Cabot Cove, Maine, it was to kill someone. If not, you were either the victim or framed for the murder.

--

CHAR: ...then came the Night Wraith brigade and then they overwhelmed the moon frogs and then the Yellow Priest knew he was fucked.

--

Drago addition: Because I believe in giving credit where it's due, and because I'm a smug little bunnydragon:

SDR <Vampyre>: I'm a VAMPYRE!
NNIRK <Abby>: No, I'm a mage, and you're a BOX.

Drago: This is about as obscure as I get. While on the surface, it's a basic Vampire ref, it's actually a reference to a very, VERY specific event. A friend of a friend of mine apparently was at a hotel one night where a Vampire: The Masquerade LARP was taking place. While in the bathroom, some foolish person assumed he was part of the game as well and walked up to him, stating, "I'm a VAMPIRE!" My friend's friend, aware of the game in question, replied, "No, I'm a mage, and you're a box." Even went to the GM and informed him of this, so for the rest of the night the poor sod was a box. Har har.

Posted on Nov 3, 2003, 4:06 AM
from IP address 66.165.22.121

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A few minor additions.

by Schwere Viper (no login)

VIPER: I'd like to introduce the President, the President's husband, and her mistress.

Dragomorph: Oy vey, this is hard to explain... I don't know a DANG thing about the movie this is from. I just remember hearing a snippet of it in a commercial for what I THINK is a movie channel, or something in England. It's actually bastardized to fit the situation. Anybody know? I think it's a National Lampoon film, or something.

---

DRAGO <Aladdin>: Good teens take off their clothes!

Lainer: I don't know, on the one hand, some people might not get it. On the other hand, if you *haven't* heard of it, you probably haven't been on the internet long enough.

---
> Jasmine hung her head low ignoring the bidding war, she did not even
> look to see her new master.

ZANDAR <Papa Lazarou>: Your my wife, now.
M: Mozanrath?

Dragomorph: Don't know much 'bout the former, but Mozanrath was a villain from the TV version of Aladdin, and quite possibly the only example of a Disney villain who can honestly be described as "bish." Incidentally, that's the wrong "your," damnit.

---
> He has been trying to
> find the secret to imortality.

COSMOS <Ally>: Why doesn't he just use cinnabar, mercury and arsenic?
M <Bob>: He says it disagrees with his stomach.

Dragomorph: Bwa ha. You can TELL I wrote this riff during my Asian History class. Cinnabar, mercury and arsenic is the Daoist formula for immortality. Not that it WORKED, of course...

---

M: No, that's a fake dick. *That's* a wrap.
[M points to a mass of fruit salad held together with Glad Wrap, marching around
the tank. It holds a sign reading, "Get the fuck off my house. Bitch."]

Viper: This? Oh, this! This is just one of my mind pukes. Dismiss with a chuckle. ^_^

---
> "Actually we are here for information, we wanna know where we can find
> Francis Newman Stien." Kaitlin said.

ZANDAR <Asuka>: STIEN!

---

ZANDAR <mob>: Learn to read, motherfucker!
M <Ally>: No, I-
ZANDAR <mob>: I said learn to read! [mimes beating M with a bat]
M <Ally>: I can't- OH GOD!

Chimera: From the www.sixsixfive.com website, a new take on the 'fight against illiteracy' programs.

---

DRAGO <Dave>: And if that stream should become a rushing torrent, a raging cataract, why I shall ford that womanly river...

Chimera: From 'The Kids in the Hall'... Dave talks about how he's the Guy Who's Okay About Menstration, and goes on in exhaustive detail about how he can handle even the heaviest flows.

---

> Ally gets three more wishes!

DRAGO <Ally>: How about... a beer mug that never runs out of beer?
M <genie>: Your wish is my command.
[DRAGO mimes picking up and drinking a beer mug]
DRAGO <Ally>: Hmm, this is pretty good. How about two more of these?

Lainer: I'm not sure if this counts as obscure, but I'm going to tell you about it anyways. FOX's children's programing segment used to have a quartly magazine that was sent to subscibers, and they'd have some sort of original comic based on whatever shows were on at that time. Well, in one issue they had a comic for Mad Jack the Pirate where Jack and his first mate Snuk were trapped in the middle of a desert. Snuk found a genie's bottle, and the above situation took place. Needless to say, Jack looked about ready to turn Snuk into two half Snuks after the end of the comic.

---

> Far from camp, in the cold desert night the ghost of the bare wench
> dropped cheryl on the cold rocky ground.

M <ghost>: Crap! Ran out of Pathos. Now where did I leave that Fetter...?

---

DRAGO <professor Schwarr, the root beer drinking man>: Now, Mr. Johnson, if we could discuss those punch cards...

---

> in the phoenix sub-urbs...

SDR: Tenchi was hitting on Athena, Sephiroth was working off his community service, and Aki was angsting... *again*.

Lainer: yeah, okay, I'm sorry. I know the thing about injokes, but it just seemed to fit. There's this MUX that I used to frequent called phoenix where all the characters are from either anime or video games. Needless to say, interesting situations arose.

---

> meanwhile back in the living room...

NNIRK <southern accent>: Operator? Get me room 321, please.

---

DAVID: Maybe I should've just shouted 'HAMMER TIME!'
DUB: ...no. No, you shouldn't. Ever.

Penfold: A reference to MC Hammer that should probably go in the Riffola Musica section. I'll have to agree with dub's response, by the way.
Chimera: Sadly I feel COMPELLED to shout 'HAMMERTIME!' whenever somebody shouts STOP. It's a sickness, I know!

---

> "OH YES OH YEAH."

DUB: That was the best track off the '1977' album! I can see screaming it out during orgasm.

---

DAVID: But without any miners, you can't get the diamond, and then you can't buy the Runaway Five's freedom, and- [notices others staring] ...never mind.

Dragomorph: Half-assed Earthbound reference. One of the sidequests requires you to get a diamond from some miners who are having problems in their cave. Incidentally, I am between the second and the fourth best riffer in this group. ^_^

---

NNIRK: Excuse me, creepy narrator, but you've already told us you were pinned with absolutely no possibility of escape. How exactly would you manage to forfeit your life?
MAX: Simple. Bite his tongue and bleed to death.
SDR: Or use an eyelash and a fingernail.

---

> She tried to rationalize it again. Somebody dressed up as a vampyre to
> play a joke on her,

DAVID <Mark Kendall>: I do not look like a vampire!

Lainer: from the early Jim Carrey movie Once Bitten. After Carrey gets turned into a vampire he starts wearing all black clothing, a black trench coat, and black sunglasses. While he's going to a halloween party with his girlfirend every keeps stopping him and telling him that he has a great vampire costume, which causes him to respond with the above. It's true too, he looked more like the Terminator.

---

DUB <boy>: My life is dead, my soul is dead, my love is dead, my little cactus I bought in Arizona is dead.

---

DUB: Psh. Put away the Blackfire elemental before Joseph tracks you down, pussy.

---

T.OGRE <Joe C>: Yo, kid! Tell 'em what yer name is!
BRANDT: [bolts to his feet, upsetting EON] My name is BRAAAAAAANNNNN-

Penfold: More Musica. This is the beginning to Kid Rock's "Bawidaba," or something close to it.

--

LAINER: Kick ass! A soul labret!

--

EON <Andrew>: I've got a feeling. A feeling I can't hide... oh, no.

--

> I guess that means that he goes to my school.* She noticed that she was shaking
> and stopped.

THIEF <Kyra>: Yeah, that's enough thinking about Samsung in one day.

Penfold: "Samsung means 'to come.'" This was a flash that was linked to on the Ballad a couple months before we started this episode.

Viper: It was a by a Korean woman who apparently felt like Samsung came to her house and screwed her. Literally. I'm sorry I ever posted that link. T_T

--

> "My dad always tells me that I’m just like my grandmother when she was
> twelve Erica," Kyra replied to her best friend.

BRANDT <Kyra>: Yeah, want to see the necklace she left me? That's odd, I wonder why it's pointing down the hallway.

Lainer: The resemblances between Kyra and Escaflowne's Hitmomi are made later on in the fic, but I got the first one. Huzzah. This one's refering to Hitomi's magic necklace that points in the direction of really bad events.
Editing note: I'm an idiot for not noticing this, but I should have dropped the "yeah" from that line. I thought Kyra's friend was talking...

--

> Now that brought whispers from the class. "I wonder if he’ll be able to
> speak Japanese," whispered a boy.

ROBBIE: Yes, but only in his Sailor Soldier form.

Lainer: I took this one from a stupid Sailor Moon fic that I think either Dragomorph or Meagan MSTed. If it wasn't them, then I don't have the slightest idea who did it.
Dragomorph: Doesn't sound like one I did...
--

BRANDT: That's one hell of a gaze attack.

Another editing note, and this one's obvious enough that I'm surprised that no one caught it.

Viper: ...Pokemon?

--

BRANDT: Because Der Kommisar's in town.
ALL <nodding sagely>: Whoa-oooh.

Chimera: Man, I disguised a LOT of music riffs as normal ones, didn't I?

--
> "I know I’ve sensed it before, but now I forgot where."
>
> "That’s the same with us Kyra," said Kristen.

KAO: These people must be related to Shinnosuke.

Penfold: Shinnosuke is the broom-weilding guardian of Ryugenzawa in Ranma 1/2. His memory holds information almost as well as the average net holds water.

--

LAINER <Kristen>: That's because they don't have women in America, sweetie.
THIEF: Not since O'Neill's Plague, at least.

--

LAINER <Kyo>: We must search for "him."
EON <Benitora>: Yes, it could only be "him" behind this.
KAO <Yuya>: But can we really defeat "him?"
BRANDT <Sanada>: We can only hope, for if "he" rises we'll revert to Civil War.
ROBBIE: JUST FUCKING SAY HIS NAME ALREADY!
[Beat.]
LAINER <Kyo>: Yes, "he" is the cause of all this evil.
[ROBBIE seethes.]

Dragomorph: This is mocking the half-assed fansub job in the B-rated anime "Samurai Deeper Kyo," possibly the only anime set in the time of Nobunaga that STILL manages to stuff Tokyo Tower in by the last episode. Basically, for half the show, the characters refer to a "him" without telling us who "he" is, and then even when it's revealed who "he" is, they STILL freaking say "him." Shitty, shitty anime.

--
When he heard the

BRANDT: -music years before, but the man there said the music wouldn't play?

> sound,

BRANDT: I was wrong? Nng! I blame you for this! [points a finger at the entrance] Bang!

Chimera: The first bit's actually a music ref to Don McLean's "The Day the Music Died". The second bit's just Brandt getting frustrated and blaming the door.

--

> Her senses suddenly sensed that presence again and she quickly shot her
> head up again.

T.OGRE: Cracking it against the cabinet, stumbling into the cabinet of dolls, before finally collapsing atop the pile of life-saving junk mail.

Lainer: The junk mail might be throwing me off, but isn't this how you save the Babblefish in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy game?
Chimera: Nope. "The Kids in the Hall", this is Kevin MacDonald's tale of how junk mail saved his life (by stopping the bleeding from his head when he cracked it on a cabinet by standing up too fast). Fun guess though.

--

> Kyra quickly ran to her window and opened it.

LAINER <Clarissa>: Oh, hey Sam.
[A guitar twangs in the background.]

Lainer: From Melissa Joan Hart's first TV show, Clarissa Explains It All. Sam would always, and only, enter the scene by climbing in through Clarissa's bedroom window. It should be noted that I like this TV show far more than I really should.

--

But it suddenly glowed

T.OGRE: -causing the Matrix-born mirror to stop working. She'd go to see Sparrow in the morning to have it repaired.

Chimera: This is a reference to David Drake's Northworld trilogy. See, these artificers in the Northworld use this sub-universe called the Matrix to craft things. A glowing magic necklace interfered with the mirror's connection to the Matrix, causing this princess chick to need to see Sparrow to get it fixed.

--

BRANDT: Aaahhh! Its the thing from the end of THE LURKING HORROR! Run for your life before it kills us all!

--

THIEF: At which point her body launched an infant out the window at Mach 12 who grew old and crash-landed in a grave on the other side of the planet.
ROBBIE: I'm not even going to ask.

Lainer: And Robbie shouldn't have to, since he's probably seen it. Thief's refering to a british Xbox commercial.

--

> As she looked out the window at the lake, she noticed a ripple in the
> surface.

JAKE <Sanford>: Now y'all stop tossin' my wine in the lake!

Penfold: I'm assuming that this Sanford has male progeny, as in "Sanford and Son."
Chimera: Yep. See, Sanford was always drinking Ripple wine...

--

GEN: Geez, John Haloren's surfacing *again*. Doesn't anyone know how to hide a body in a lake anymore?

Lainer: Actually, the whole point of this riff was to have Jake make it; this was way before Gen's time. It's a referance to Francis Ford Coppola's first film, Dementia 13.
Penfold: ...I'm not sure I want to know...

--

CHAR <looking at the magazine>: Seems like transparent miniskirts are in, and women's rights are out. What a surprise.

Lainer: At the time I wrote that, miniskirts with transperant butts were apparently all the rage in Japan.

--

> It
> pushed its head down inside the tight denim and ran down, splitting her
> jeans open as it moved down her panties.

ICE: Well, it had to do that; to stop her from suffocating.
ONIKO: Yea. If its moment of indecisiveness had caused her to die, then it could never have lived with itself.

Lainer: Yeah, okay, I'm never going to live this one down. This is a referance to the hentai game Nocturnal Illusion. At one point the main character gets attacked by one of his housemates wearing a suit of evil armor. He stops her, but after geting the armor off he finds that she's unconcous. He then removes all of her clothing except her panties under the pretense that they might be preventing her from breathing, but that still doesn't solve anything. If you then choose not to remove her panties, you get text similar to the above. For the record I heard about the game from Sharkey (http://www.solidsharkey.com/nocturnal.html) and SA (http://somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=466); I've actually never played a Hentai game.
Dragomorph: Suuuure you haven't.
Viper: I have. ^_______^

--

> She cried out and tossed, her eyes closed and face
> flushed, as the three serpent-heads sucked her breasts

GEN: -trying very hard to ignore the fact that Lord Tyler was taking up most of the room.

Chimera: In Heavy Metal 2000, evildoer Tyler sucks on heroine Julie's breasts. It stuck with me because it's the only sex scene in a movie which should've been overflowing with them.

--

> one stretching inside her body from
> that one spot within her,

GEN: -also known as the biological thermonuclear bomb that the alien race hid in her clone body.

Penfold: Is the the "Jean Bomb" (that ain't a typo) from Uncanny X-Men?
Chimera: Nope. It's a reference to 'Imposter', a seemingly unknown film with Gary Sinese about a government gone (understandably) mad with paranoia trying to find bio-nukes that aliens hid in artificial humans.

--

> and she shrieked as a long serpent thrust up
> between her legs and parted the lips of her vagina.

ONIKO: However, there was already a Remington water-pistol pressed in there by a Dare the lesbian assassin.

--

ONIKO: If you don't kill him with the one correct object in the game within five turns, he'll keep getting angrier and angrier until he'll appear to calm down only to rip you to shreds with his oversized teeth. [nods sagely]

--

JAKE <Jessica Fletcher>: I don't know about the rest of the world, but Cabot Cove has been quiet lately.

Penfold: From "Murder, She Wrote." If you visited Cabot Cove, Maine, it was to kill someone. If not, you were either the victim or framed for the murder.

--

CHAR: ...then came the Night Wraith brigade and then they overwhelmed the moon frogs and then the Yellow Priest knew he was fucked.

--

Drago addition: Because I believe in giving credit where it's due, and because I'm a smug little bunnydragon:

SDR <Vampyre>: I'm a VAMPYRE!
NNIRK <Abby>: No, I'm a mage, and you're a BOX.

Drago: This is about as obscure as I get. While on the surface, it's a basic Vampire ref, it's actually a reference to a very, VERY specific event. A friend of a friend of mine apparently was at a hotel one night where a Vampire: The Masquerade LARP was taking place. While in the bathroom, some foolish person assumed he was part of the game as well and walked up to him, stating, "I'm a VAMPIRE!" My friend's friend, aware of the game in question, replied, "No, I'm a mage, and you're a box." Even went to the GM and informed him of this, so for the rest of the night the poor sod was a box. Har har.


Posted on Nov 3, 2003, 5:57 AM
from IP address 211.26.97.81

Respond to this message

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Are you guys just not doing the Beatles refs so I'll have something to look for? Heh.

by (no login)

VIPER: I'd like to introduce the President, the President's husband, and her mistress.

Dragomorph: Oy vey, this is hard to explain... I don't know a DANG thing about the movie this is from. I just remember hearing a snippet of it in a commercial for what I THINK is a movie channel, or something in England. It's actually bastardized to fit the situation. Anybody know? I think it's a National Lampoon film, or something.

---

DRAGO <Aladdin>: Good teens take off their clothes!

Lainer: I don't know, on the one hand, some people might not get it. On the other hand, if you *haven't* heard of it, you probably haven't been on the internet long enough.
Sherlock: Really, Lainer. Give them the horrid details. It's basically an Aladdin thing. There was some controversy as to what he was saying in that scene where Aladdin visits the princess outside her room, and the tiger comes at him. In place of the original line, some people thought the above line could be heard with a different voice. Never heard it myself. Check the Urban Legends Reference Page.

---
> Jasmine hung her head low ignoring the bidding war, she did not even
> look to see her new master.

ZANDAR <Papa Lazarou>: Your my wife, now.
M: Mozanrath?

Dragomorph: Don't know much 'bout the former, but Mozanrath was a villain from the TV version of Aladdin, and quite possibly the only example of a Disney villain who can honestly be described as "bish." Incidentally, that's the wrong "your," damnit.

---
> He has been trying to
> find the secret to imortality.

COSMOS <Ally>: Why doesn't he just use cinnabar, mercury and arsenic?
M <Bob>: He says it disagrees with his stomach.

Dragomorph: Bwa ha. You can TELL I wrote this riff during my Asian History class. Cinnabar, mercury and arsenic is the Daoist formula for immortality. Not that it WORKED, of course...

---

M: No, that's a fake dick. *That's* a wrap.
[M points to a mass of fruit salad held together with Glad Wrap, marching around
the tank. It holds a sign reading, "Get the fuck off my house. Bitch."]

Viper: This? Oh, this! This is just one of my mind pukes. Dismiss with a chuckle. ^_^

---
> "Actually we are here for information, we wanna know where we can find
> Francis Newman Stien." Kaitlin said.

ZANDAR <Asuka>: STIEN!

---

ZANDAR <mob>: Learn to read, motherfucker!
M <Ally>: No, I-
ZANDAR <mob>: I said learn to read! [mimes beating M with a bat]
M <Ally>: I can't- OH GOD!

Chimera: From the www.sixsixfive.com website, a new take on the 'fight against illiteracy' programs.

---

DRAGO <Dave>: And if that stream should become a rushing torrent, a raging cataract, why I shall ford that womanly river...

Chimera: From 'The Kids in the Hall'... Dave talks about how he's the Guy Who's Okay About Menstration, and goes on in exhaustive detail about how he can handle even the heaviest flows.

---

> Ally gets three more wishes!

DRAGO <Ally>: How about... a beer mug that never runs out of beer?
M <genie>: Your wish is my command.
[DRAGO mimes picking up and drinking a beer mug]
DRAGO <Ally>: Hmm, this is pretty good. How about two more of these?

Lainer: I'm not sure if this counts as obscure, but I'm going to tell you about it anyways. FOX's children's programing segment used to have a quartly magazine that was sent to subscibers, and they'd have some sort of original comic based on whatever shows were on at that time. Well, in one issue they had a comic for Mad Jack the Pirate where Jack and his first mate Snuk were trapped in the middle of a desert. Snuk found a genie's bottle, and the above situation took place. Needless to say, Jack looked about ready to turn Snuk into two half Snuks after the end of the comic.

---

> Far from camp, in the cold desert night the ghost of the bare wench
> dropped cheryl on the cold rocky ground.

M <ghost>: Crap! Ran out of Pathos. Now where did I leave that Fetter...?

---

DRAGO <professor Schwarr, the root beer drinking man>: Now, Mr. Johnson, if we could discuss those punch cards...

---

> in the phoenix sub-urbs...

SDR: Tenchi was hitting on Athena, Sephiroth was working off his community service, and Aki was angsting... *again*.

Lainer: yeah, okay, I'm sorry. I know the thing about injokes, but it just seemed to fit. There's this MUX that I used to frequent called phoenix where all the characters are from either anime or video games. Needless to say, interesting situations arose.

---

> meanwhile back in the living room...

NNIRK <southern accent>: Operator? Get me room 321, please.

---

DAVID: Maybe I should've just shouted 'HAMMER TIME!'
DUB: ...no. No, you shouldn't. Ever.

Penfold: A reference to MC Hammer that should probably go in the Riffola Musica section. I'll have to agree with dub's response, by the way.
Chimera: Sadly I feel COMPELLED to shout 'HAMMERTIME!' whenever somebody shouts STOP. It's a sickness, I know!

---

> "OH YES OH YEAH."

DUB: That was the best track off the '1977' album! I can see screaming it out during orgasm.

---

DAVID: But without any miners, you can't get the diamond, and then you can't buy the Runaway Five's freedom, and- [notices others staring] ...never mind.

Dragomorph: Half-assed Earthbound reference. One of the sidequests requires you to get a diamond from some miners who are having problems in their cave. Incidentally, I am between the second and the fourth best riffer in this group. ^_^

---

NNIRK: Excuse me, creepy narrator, but you've already told us you were pinned with absolutely no possibility of escape. How exactly would you manage to forfeit your life?
MAX: Simple. Bite his tongue and bleed to death.
SDR: Or use an eyelash and a fingernail.

---

> She tried to rationalize it again. Somebody dressed up as a vampyre to
> play a joke on her,

DAVID <Mark Kendall>: I do not look like a vampire!

Lainer: from the early Jim Carrey movie Once Bitten. After Carrey gets turned into a vampire he starts wearing all black clothing, a black trench coat, and black sunglasses. While he's going to a halloween party with his girlfirend every keeps stopping him and telling him that he has a great vampire costume, which causes him to respond with the above. It's true too, he looked more like the Terminator.

---

DUB <boy>: My life is dead, my soul is dead, my love is dead, my little cactus I bought in Arizona is dead.

---

DUB: Psh. Put away the Blackfire elemental before Joseph tracks you down, pussy.

---

T.OGRE <Joe C>: Yo, kid! Tell 'em what yer name is!
BRANDT: [bolts to his feet, upsetting EON] My name is BRAAAAAAANNNNN-

Penfold: More Musica. This is the beginning to Kid Rock's "Bawidaba," or something close to it.

--

LAINER: Kick ass! A soul labret!

--

EON <Andrew>: I've got a feeling. A feeling I can't hide... oh, no.

Sherlock: This has to be the fourth or fifth Beatles ref that I've been able to get before anyone else. It's the song "I've Got a Feeling."

--

> I guess that means that he goes to my school.* She noticed that she was shaking
> and stopped.

THIEF <Kyra>: Yeah, that's enough thinking about Samsung in one day.

Penfold: "Samsung means 'to come.'" This was a flash that was linked to on the Ballad a couple months before we started this episode.

Viper: It was a by a Korean woman who apparently felt like Samsung came to her house and screwed her. Literally. I'm sorry I ever posted that link. T_T

--

> "My dad always tells me that I’m just like my grandmother when she was
> twelve Erica," Kyra replied to her best friend.

BRANDT <Kyra>: Yeah, want to see the necklace she left me? That's odd, I wonder why it's pointing down the hallway.

Lainer: The resemblances between Kyra and Escaflowne's Hitmomi are made later on in the fic, but I got the first one. Huzzah. This one's refering to Hitomi's magic necklace that points in the direction of really bad events.
Editing note: I'm an idiot for not noticing this, but I should have dropped the "yeah" from that line. I thought Kyra's friend was talking...

--

> Now that brought whispers from the class. "I wonder if he’ll be able to
> speak Japanese," whispered a boy.

ROBBIE: Yes, but only in his Sailor Soldier form.

Lainer: I took this one from a stupid Sailor Moon fic that I think either Dragomorph or Meagan MSTed. If it wasn't them, then I don't have the slightest idea who did it.
Dragomorph: Doesn't sound like one I did...
--

BRANDT: That's one hell of a gaze attack.

Another editing note, and this one's obvious enough that I'm surprised that no one caught it.

Viper: ...Pokemon?

--

BRANDT: Because Der Kommisar's in town.
ALL <nodding sagely>: Whoa-oooh.

Chimera: Man, I disguised a LOT of music riffs as normal ones, didn't I?

--
> "I know I’ve sensed it before, but now I forgot where."
>
> "That’s the same with us Kyra," said Kristen.

KAO: These people must be related to Shinnosuke.

Penfold: Shinnosuke is the broom-weilding guardian of Ryugenzawa in Ranma 1/2. His memory holds information almost as well as the average net holds water.

--

LAINER <Kristen>: That's because they don't have women in America, sweetie.
THIEF: Not since O'Neill's Plague, at least.

--

LAINER <Kyo>: We must search for "him."
EON <Benitora>: Yes, it could only be "him" behind this.
KAO <Yuya>: But can we really defeat "him?"
BRANDT <Sanada>: We can only hope, for if "he" rises we'll revert to Civil War.
ROBBIE: JUST FUCKING SAY HIS NAME ALREADY!
[Beat.]
LAINER <Kyo>: Yes, "he" is the cause of all this evil.
[ROBBIE seethes.]

Dragomorph: This is mocking the half-assed fansub job in the B-rated anime "Samurai Deeper Kyo," possibly the only anime set in the time of Nobunaga that STILL manages to stuff Tokyo Tower in by the last episode. Basically, for half the show, the characters refer to a "him" without telling us who "he" is, and then even when it's revealed who "he" is, they STILL freaking say "him." Shitty, shitty anime.

--
When he heard the

BRANDT: -music years before, but the man there said the music wouldn't play?

> sound,

BRANDT: I was wrong? Nng! I blame you for this! [points a finger at the entrance] Bang!

Chimera: The first bit's actually a music ref to Don McLean's "The Day the Music Died". The second bit's just Brandt getting frustrated and blaming the door.
[BUZZZZ!]
Sherlock: Don McLean's song is called "American Pie." Bitch.

--

> Her senses suddenly sensed that presence again and she quickly shot her
> head up again.

T.OGRE: Cracking it against the cabinet, stumbling into the cabinet of dolls, before finally collapsing atop the pile of life-saving junk mail.

Lainer: The junk mail might be throwing me off, but isn't this how you save the Babblefish in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy game?
Chimera: Nope. "The Kids in the Hall", this is Kevin MacDonald's tale of how junk mail saved his life (by stopping the bleeding from his head when he cracked it on a cabinet by standing up too fast). Fun guess though.

--

> Kyra quickly ran to her window and opened it.

LAINER <Clarissa>: Oh, hey Sam.
[A guitar twangs in the background.]

Lainer: From Melissa Joan Hart's first TV show, Clarissa Explains It All. Sam would always, and only, enter the scene by climbing in through Clarissa's bedroom window. It should be noted that I like this TV show far more than I really should.

--

But it suddenly glowed

T.OGRE: -causing the Matrix-born mirror to stop working. She'd go to see Sparrow in the morning to have it repaired.

Chimera: This is a reference to David Drake's Northworld trilogy. See, these artificers in the Northworld use this sub-universe called the Matrix to craft things. A glowing magic necklace interfered with the mirror's connection to the Matrix, causing this princess chick to need to see Sparrow to get it fixed.

--

BRANDT: Aaahhh! Its the thing from the end of THE LURKING HORROR! Run for your life before it kills us all!

--

THIEF: At which point her body launched an infant out the window at Mach 12 who grew old and crash-landed in a grave on the other side of the planet.
ROBBIE: I'm not even going to ask.

Lainer: And Robbie shouldn't have to, since he's probably seen it. Thief's refering to a british Xbox commercial.

--

> As she looked out the window at the lake, she noticed a ripple in the
> surface.

JAKE <Sanford>: Now y'all stop tossin' my wine in the lake!

Penfold: I'm assuming that this Sanford has male progeny, as in "Sanford and Son."
Chimera: Yep. See, Sanford was always drinking Ripple wine...

--

GEN: Geez, John Haloren's surfacing *again*. Doesn't anyone know how to hide a body in a lake anymore?

Lainer: Actually, the whole point of this riff was to have Jake make it; this was way before Gen's time. It's a referance to Francis Ford Coppola's first film, Dementia 13.
Penfold: ...I'm not sure I want to know...

--

CHAR <looking at the magazine>: Seems like transparent miniskirts are in, and women's rights are out. What a surprise.

Lainer: At the time I wrote that, miniskirts with transperant butts were apparently all the rage in Japan.

--

> It
> pushed its head down inside the tight denim and ran down, splitting her
> jeans open as it moved down her panties.

ICE: Well, it had to do that; to stop her from suffocating.
ONIKO: Yea. If its moment of indecisiveness had caused her to die, then it could never have lived with itself.

Lainer: Yeah, okay, I'm never going to live this one down. This is a referance to the hentai game Nocturnal Illusion. At one point the main character gets attacked by one of his housemates wearing a suit of evil armor. He stops her, but after geting the armor off he finds that she's unconcous. He then removes all of her clothing except her panties under the pretense that they might be preventing her from breathing, but that still doesn't solve anything. If you then choose not to remove her panties, you get text similar to the above. For the record I heard about the game from Sharkey (http://www.solidsharkey.com/nocturnal.html) and SA (http://somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=466); I've actually never played a Hentai game.
Dragomorph: Suuuure you haven't.
Viper: I have. ^_______^

--

> She cried out and tossed, her eyes closed and face
> flushed, as the three serpent-heads sucked her breasts

GEN: -trying very hard to ignore the fact that Lord Tyler was taking up most of the room.

Chimera: In Heavy Metal 2000, evildoer Tyler sucks on heroine Julie's breasts. It stuck with me because it's the only sex scene in a movie which should've been overflowing with them.

--

> one stretching inside her body from
> that one spot within her,

GEN: -also known as the biological thermonuclear bomb that the alien race hid in her clone body.

Penfold: Is the the "Jean Bomb" (that ain't a typo) from Uncanny X-Men?
Chimera: Nope. It's a reference to 'Imposter', a seemingly unknown film with Gary Sinese about a government gone (understandably) mad with paranoia trying to find bio-nukes that aliens hid in artificial humans.

--

> and she shrieked as a long serpent thrust up
> between her legs and parted the lips of her vagina.

ONIKO: However, there was already a Remington water-pistol pressed in there by a Dare the lesbian assassin.

--

ONIKO: If you don't kill him with the one correct object in the game within five turns, he'll keep getting angrier and angrier until he'll appear to calm down only to rip you to shreds with his oversized teeth. [nods sagely]

--

JAKE <Jessica Fletcher>: I don't know about the rest of the world, but Cabot Cove has been quiet lately.

Penfold: From "Murder, She Wrote." If you visited Cabot Cove, Maine, it was to kill someone. If not, you were either the victim or framed for the murder.

--

CHAR: ...then came the Night Wraith brigade and then they overwhelmed the moon frogs and then the Yellow Priest knew he was fucked.

--

Drago addition: Because I believe in giving credit where it's due, and because I'm a smug little bunnydragon:

SDR <Vampyre>: I'm a VAMPYRE!
NNIRK <Abby>: No, I'm a mage, and you're a BOX.

Drago: This is about as obscure as I get. While on the surface, it's a basic Vampire ref, it's actually a reference to a very, VERY specific event. A friend of a friend of mine apparently was at a hotel one night where a Vampire: The Masquerade LARP was taking place. While in the bathroom, some foolish person assumed he was part of the game as well and walked up to him, stating, "I'm a VAMPIRE!" My friend's friend, aware of the game in question, replied, "No, I'm a mage, and you're a box." Even went to the GM and informed him of this, so for the rest of the night the poor sod was a box. Har har.

Posted on Nov 3, 2003, 6:22 PM
from IP address 68.168.168.152

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I know a few...

by Demon K. (no login)

VIPER: I'd like to introduce the President, the President's husband, and her mistress.

Dragomorph: Oy vey, this is hard to explain... I don't know a DANG thing about the movie this is from. I just remember hearing a snippet of it in a commercial for what I THINK is a movie channel, or something in England. It's actually bastardized to fit the situation. Anybody know? I think it's a National Lampoon film, or something.

---

DRAGO <Aladdin>: Good teens take off their clothes!

Lainer: I don't know, on the one hand, some people might not get it. On the other hand, if you *haven't* heard of it, you probably haven't been on the internet long enough.
Sherlock: Really, Lainer. Give them the horrid details. It's basically an Aladdin thing. There was some controversy as to what he was saying in that scene where Aladdin visits the princess outside her room, and the tiger comes at him. In place of the original line, some people thought the above line could be heard with a different voice. Never heard it myself. Check the Urban Legends Reference Page.

---
> Jasmine hung her head low ignoring the bidding war, she did not even
> look to see her new master.

ZANDAR <Papa Lazarou>: Your my wife, now.
M: Mozanrath?

Dragomorph: Don't know much 'bout the former, but Mozanrath was a villain from the TV version of Aladdin, and quite possibly the only example of a Disney villain who can honestly be described as "bish." Incidentally, that's the wrong "your," damnit.

---
> He has been trying to
> find the secret to imortality.

COSMOS <Ally>: Why doesn't he just use cinnabar, mercury and arsenic?
M <Bob>: He says it disagrees with his stomach.

Dragomorph: Bwa ha. You can TELL I wrote this riff during my Asian History class. Cinnabar, mercury and arsenic is the Daoist formula for immortality. Not that it WORKED, of course...

---

M: No, that's a fake dick. *That's* a wrap.
[M points to a mass of fruit salad held together with Glad Wrap, marching around
the tank. It holds a sign reading, "Get the fuck off my house. Bitch."]

Viper: This? Oh, this! This is just one of my mind pukes. Dismiss with a chuckle. ^_^

---
> "Actually we are here for information, we wanna know where we can find
> Francis Newman Stien." Kaitlin said.

ZANDAR <Asuka>: STIEN!

---

ZANDAR <mob>: Learn to read, motherfucker!
M <Ally>: No, I-
ZANDAR <mob>: I said learn to read! [mimes beating M with a bat]
M <Ally>: I can't- OH GOD!

Chimera: From the www.sixsixfive.com website, a new take on the 'fight against illiteracy' programs.

---

DRAGO <Dave>: And if that stream should become a rushing torrent, a raging cataract, why I shall ford that womanly river...

Chimera: From 'The Kids in the Hall'... Dave talks about how he's the Guy Who's Okay About Menstration, and goes on in exhaustive detail about how he can handle even the heaviest flows.

---

> Ally gets three more wishes!

DRAGO <Ally>: How about... a beer mug that never runs out of beer?
M <genie>: Your wish is my command.
[DRAGO mimes picking up and drinking a beer mug]
DRAGO <Ally>: Hmm, this is pretty good. How about two more of these?

Lainer: I'm not sure if this counts as obscure, but I'm going to tell you about it anyways. FOX's children's programing segment used to have a quartly magazine that was sent to subscibers, and they'd have some sort of original comic based on whatever shows were on at that time. Well, in one issue they had a comic for Mad Jack the Pirate where Jack and his first mate Snuk were trapped in the middle of a desert. Snuk found a genie's bottle, and the above situation took place. Needless to say, Jack looked about ready to turn Snuk into two half Snuks after the end of the comic.

---

> Far from camp, in the cold desert night the ghost of the bare wench
> dropped cheryl on the cold rocky ground.

M <ghost>: Crap! Ran out of Pathos. Now where did I leave that Fetter...?

---

DRAGO <professor Schwarr, the root beer drinking man>: Now, Mr. Johnson, if we could discuss those punch cards...

---

> in the phoenix sub-urbs...

SDR: Tenchi was hitting on Athena, Sephiroth was working off his community service, and Aki was angsting... *again*.

Lainer: yeah, okay, I'm sorry. I know the thing about injokes, but it just seemed to fit. There's this MUX that I used to frequent called phoenix where all the characters are from either anime or video games. Needless to say, interesting situations arose.

---

> meanwhile back in the living room...

NNIRK <southern accent>: Operator? Get me room 321, please.

---

DAVID: Maybe I should've just shouted 'HAMMER TIME!'
DUB: ...no. No, you shouldn't. Ever.

Penfold: A reference to MC Hammer that should probably go in the Riffola Musica section. I'll have to agree with dub's response, by the way.
Chimera: Sadly I feel COMPELLED to shout 'HAMMERTIME!' whenever somebody shouts STOP. It's a sickness, I know!

---

> "OH YES OH YEAH."

DUB: That was the best track off the '1977' album! I can see screaming it out during orgasm.

---

DAVID: But without any miners, you can't get the diamond, and then you can't buy the Runaway Five's freedom, and- [notices others staring] ...never mind.

Dragomorph: Half-assed Earthbound reference. One of the sidequests requires you to get a diamond from some miners who are having problems in their cave. Incidentally, I am between the second and the fourth best riffer in this group. ^_^

---

NNIRK: Excuse me, creepy narrator, but you've already told us you were pinned with absolutely no possibility of escape. How exactly would you manage to forfeit your life?
MAX: Simple. Bite his tongue and bleed to death.
SDR: Or use an eyelash and a fingernail.

---

> She tried to rationalize it again. Somebody dressed up as a vampyre to
> play a joke on her,

DAVID <Mark Kendall>: I do not look like a vampire!

Lainer: from the early Jim Carrey movie Once Bitten. After Carrey gets turned into a vampire he starts wearing all black clothing, a black trench coat, and black sunglasses. While he's going to a halloween party with his girlfirend every keeps stopping him and telling him that he has a great vampire costume, which causes him to respond with the above. It's true too, he looked more like the Terminator.

---

DUB <boy>: My life is dead, my soul is dead, my love is dead, my little cactus I bought in Arizona is dead.

Krinn: This one's mine. Taken from Don Harmon's foreward in Heavy 3P0, a Scud: the Disposable Assassin TPB.

---

DUB: Psh. Put away the Blackfire elemental before Joseph tracks you down, pussy.

---

T.OGRE <Joe C>: Yo, kid! Tell 'em what yer name is!
BRANDT: [bolts to his feet, upsetting EON] My name is BRAAAAAAANNNNN-

Penfold: More Musica. This is the beginning to Kid Rock's "Bawidaba," or something close to it.

--

LAINER: Kick ass! A soul labret!

--

EON <Andrew>: I've got a feeling. A feeling I can't hide... oh, no.

Sherlock: This has to be the fourth or fifth Beatles ref that I've been able to get before anyone else. It's the song "I've Got a Feeling."

--

> I guess that means that he goes to my school.* She noticed that she was shaking
> and stopped.

THIEF <Kyra>: Yeah, that's enough thinking about Samsung in one day.

Penfold: "Samsung means 'to come.'" This was a flash that was linked to on the Ballad a couple months before we started this episode.

Viper: It was a by a Korean woman who apparently felt like Samsung came to her house and screwed her. Literally. I'm sorry I ever posted that link. T_T

--

> "My dad always tells me that I’m just like my grandmother when she was
> twelve Erica," Kyra replied to her best friend.

BRANDT <Kyra>: Yeah, want to see the necklace she left me? That's odd, I wonder why it's pointing down the hallway.

Lainer: The resemblances between Kyra and Escaflowne's Hitmomi are made later on in the fic, but I got the first one. Huzzah. This one's refering to Hitomi's magic necklace that points in the direction of really bad events.
Editing note: I'm an idiot for not noticing this, but I should have dropped the "yeah" from that line. I thought Kyra's friend was talking...

--

> Now that brought whispers from the class. "I wonder if he’ll be able to
> speak Japanese," whispered a boy.

ROBBIE: Yes, but only in his Sailor Soldier form.

Lainer: I took this one from a stupid Sailor Moon fic that I think either Dragomorph or Meagan MSTed. If it wasn't them, then I don't have the slightest idea who did it.
Dragomorph: Doesn't sound like one I did...
--

BRANDT: That's one hell of a gaze attack.

Another editing note, and this one's obvious enough that I'm surprised that no one caught it.

Viper: ...Pokemon?
Krinn:...D&D reference?

--

BRANDT: Because Der Kommisar's in town.
ALL <nodding sagely>: Whoa-oooh.

Chimera: Man, I disguised a LOT of music riffs as normal ones, didn't I?

--
> "I know I’ve sensed it before, but now I forgot where."
>
> "That’s the same with us Kyra," said Kristen.

KAO: These people must be related to Shinnosuke.

Penfold: Shinnosuke is the broom-weilding guardian of Ryugenzawa in Ranma 1/2. His memory holds information almost as well as the average net holds water.

--

LAINER <Kristen>: That's because they don't have women in America, sweetie.
THIEF: Not since O'Neill's Plague, at least.

--

LAINER <Kyo>: We must search for "him."
EON <Benitora>: Yes, it could only be "him" behind this.
KAO <Yuya>: But can we really defeat "him?"
BRANDT <Sanada>: We can only hope, for if "he" rises we'll revert to Civil War.
ROBBIE: JUST FUCKING SAY HIS NAME ALREADY!
[Beat.]
LAINER <Kyo>: Yes, "he" is the cause of all this evil.
[ROBBIE seethes.]

Dragomorph: This is mocking the half-assed fansub job in the B-rated anime "Samurai Deeper Kyo," possibly the only anime set in the time of Nobunaga that STILL manages to stuff Tokyo Tower in by the last episode. Basically, for half the show, the characters refer to a "him" without telling us who "he" is, and then even when it's revealed who "he" is, they STILL freaking say "him." Shitty, shitty anime.

--
When he heard the

BRANDT: -music years before, but the man there said the music wouldn't play?

> sound,

BRANDT: I was wrong? Nng! I blame you for this! [points a finger at the entrance] Bang!

Chimera: The first bit's actually a music ref to Don McLean's "The Day the Music Died". The second bit's just Brandt getting frustrated and blaming the door.
[BUZZZZ!]
Sherlock: Don McLean's song is called "American Pie." Bitch.

--

> Her senses suddenly sensed that presence again and she quickly shot her
> head up again.

T.OGRE: Cracking it against the cabinet, stumbling into the cabinet of dolls, before finally collapsing atop the pile of life-saving junk mail.

Lainer: The junk mail might be throwing me off, but isn't this how you save the Babblefish in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy game?
Chimera: Nope. "The Kids in the Hall", this is Kevin MacDonald's tale of how junk mail saved his life (by stopping the bleeding from his head when he cracked it on a cabinet by standing up too fast). Fun guess though.

--

> Kyra quickly ran to her window and opened it.

LAINER <Clarissa>: Oh, hey Sam.
[A guitar twangs in the background.]

Lainer: From Melissa Joan Hart's first TV show, Clarissa Explains It All. Sam would always, and only, enter the scene by climbing in through Clarissa's bedroom window. It should be noted that I like this TV show far more than I really should.

--

But it suddenly glowed

T.OGRE: -causing the Matrix-born mirror to stop working. She'd go to see Sparrow in the morning to have it repaired.

Chimera: This is a reference to David Drake's Northworld trilogy. See, these artificers in the Northworld use this sub-universe called the Matrix to craft things. A glowing magic necklace interfered with the mirror's connection to the Matrix, causing this princess chick to need to see Sparrow to get it fixed.

--

BRANDT: Aaahhh! Its the thing from the end of THE LURKING HORROR! Run for your life before it kills us all!

Krinn: Possible H.P. Lovecraft reference to either the short story "The Lurking Horror" or the movie of the same name.

--

THIEF: At which point her body launched an infant out the window at Mach 12 who grew old and crash-landed in a grave on the other side of the planet.
ROBBIE: I'm not even going to ask.

Lainer: And Robbie shouldn't have to, since he's probably seen it. Thief's refering to a british Xbox commercial.

--

> As she looked out the window at the lake, she noticed a ripple in the
> surface.

JAKE <Sanford>: Now y'all stop tossin' my wine in the lake!

Penfold: I'm assuming that this Sanford has male progeny, as in "Sanford and Son."
Chimera: Yep. See, Sanford was always drinking Ripple wine...

--

GEN: Geez, John Haloren's surfacing *again*. Doesn't anyone know how to hide a body in a lake anymore?

Lainer: Actually, the whole point of this riff was to have Jake make it; this was way before Gen's time. It's a referance to Francis Ford Coppola's first film, Dementia 13.
Penfold: ...I'm not sure I want to know...

--

CHAR <looking at the magazine>: Seems like transparent miniskirts are in, and women's rights are out. What a surprise.

Lainer: At the time I wrote that, miniskirts with transperant butts were apparently all the rage in Japan.

--

> It
> pushed its head down inside the tight denim and ran down, splitting her
> jeans open as it moved down her panties.

ICE: Well, it had to do that; to stop her from suffocating.
ONIKO: Yea. If its moment of indecisiveness had caused her to die, then it could never have lived with itself.

Lainer: Yeah, okay, I'm never going to live this one down. This is a referance to the hentai game Nocturnal Illusion. At one point the main character gets attacked by one of his housemates wearing a suit of evil armor. He stops her, but after geting the armor off he finds that she's unconcous. He then removes all of her clothing except her panties under the pretense that they might be preventing her from breathing, but that still doesn't solve anything. If you then choose not to remove her panties, you get text similar to the above. For the record I heard about the game from Sharkey (http://www.solidsharkey.com/nocturnal.html) and SA (http://somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=466); I've actually never played a Hentai game.
Dragomorph: Suuuure you haven't.
Viper: I have. ^_______^

--

> She cried out and tossed, her eyes closed and face
> flushed, as the three serpent-heads sucked her breasts

GEN: -trying very hard to ignore the fact that Lord Tyler was taking up most of the room.

Chimera: In Heavy Metal 2000, evildoer Tyler sucks on heroine Julie's breasts. It stuck with me because it's the only sex scene in a movie which should've been overflowing with them.

--

> one stretching inside her body from
> that one spot within her,

GEN: -also known as the biological thermonuclear bomb that the alien race hid in her clone body.

Penfold: Is the the "Jean Bomb" (that ain't a typo) from Uncanny X-Men?
Chimera: Nope. It's a reference to 'Imposter', a seemingly unknown film with Gary Sinese about a government gone (understandably) mad with paranoia trying to find bio-nukes that aliens hid in artificial humans.

--

> and she shrieked as a long serpent thrust up
> between her legs and parted the lips of her vagina.

ONIKO: However, there was already a Remington water-pistol pressed in there by a Dare the lesbian assassin.

--

ONIKO: If you don't kill him with the one correct object in the game within five turns, he'll keep getting angrier and angrier until he'll appear to calm down only to rip you to shreds with his oversized teeth. [nods sagely]

--

JAKE <Jessica Fletcher>: I don't know about the rest of the world, but Cabot Cove has been quiet lately.

Penfold: From "Murder, She Wrote." If you visited Cabot Cove, Maine, it was to kill someone. If not, you were either the victim or framed for the murder.

--

CHAR: ...then came the Night Wraith brigade and then they overwhelmed the moon frogs and then the Yellow Priest knew he was fucked.

Krinn. Another Lovecraft reference, this time to "The Dream Quest of Unknown Kadath". BTW, it's not 'Night Wraith', it's 'nightgaunt'.

--

Drago addition: Because I believe in giving credit where it's due, and because I'm a smug little bunnydragon:

SDR <Vampyre>: I'm a VAMPYRE!
NNIRK <Abby>: No, I'm a mage, and you're a BOX.

Drago: This is about as obscure as I get. While on the surface, it's a basic Vampire ref, it's actually a reference to a very, VERY specific event. A friend of a friend of mine apparently was at a hotel one night where a Vampire: The Masquerade LARP was taking place. While in the bathroom, some foolish person assumed he was part of the game as well and walked up to him, stating, "I'm a VAMPIRE!" My friend's friend, aware of the game in question, replied, "No, I'm a mage, and you're a box." Even went to the GM and informed him of this, so for the rest of the night the poor sod was a box. Har har.



Posted on Nov 3, 2003, 6:49 PM
from IP address 64.61.217.108

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Just one, that I owe a better explanation of at some point.

by (no login)

VIPER: I'd like to introduce the President, the President's husband, and her mistress.

Dragomorph: Oy vey, this is hard to explain... I don't know a DANG thing about the movie this is from. I just remember hearing a snippet of it in a commercial for what I THINK is a movie channel, or something in England. It's actually bastardized to fit the situation. Anybody know? I think it's a National Lampoon film, or something.

---

DRAGO <Aladdin>: Good teens take off their clothes!

Lainer: I don't know, on the one hand, some people might not get it. On the other hand, if you *haven't* heard of it, you probably haven't been on the internet long enough.
Sherlock: Really, Lainer. Give them the horrid details. It's basically an Aladdin thing. There was some controversy as to what he was saying in that scene where Aladdin visits the princess outside her room, and the tiger comes at him. In place of the original line, some people thought the above line could be heard with a different voice. Never heard it myself. Check the Urban Legends Reference Page.

---
> Jasmine hung her head low ignoring the bidding war, she did not even
> look to see her new master.

ZANDAR <Papa Lazarou>: Your my wife, now.
M: Mozanrath?

Dragomorph: Don't know much 'bout the former, but Mozanrath was a villain from the TV version of Aladdin, and quite possibly the only example of a Disney villain who can honestly be described as "bish." Incidentally, that's the wrong "your," damnit.

---
> He has been trying to
> find the secret to imortality.

COSMOS <Ally>: Why doesn't he just use cinnabar, mercury and arsenic?
M <Bob>: He says it disagrees with his stomach.

Dragomorph: Bwa ha. You can TELL I wrote this riff during my Asian History class. Cinnabar, mercury and arsenic is the Daoist formula for immortality. Not that it WORKED, of course...

---

M: No, that's a fake dick. *That's* a wrap.
[M points to a mass of fruit salad held together with Glad Wrap, marching around
the tank. It holds a sign reading, "Get the fuck off my house. Bitch."]

Viper: This? Oh, this! This is just one of my mind pukes. Dismiss with a chuckle. ^_^

---
> "Actually we are here for information, we wanna know where we can find
> Francis Newman Stien." Kaitlin said.

ZANDAR <Asuka>: STIEN!

---

ZANDAR <mob>: Learn to read, motherfucker!
M <Ally>: No, I-
ZANDAR <mob>: I said learn to read! [mimes beating M with a bat]
M <Ally>: I can't- OH GOD!

Chimera: From the www.sixsixfive.com website, a new take on the 'fight against illiteracy' programs.

---

DRAGO <Dave>: And if that stream should become a rushing torrent, a raging cataract, why I shall ford that womanly river...

Chimera: From 'The Kids in the Hall'... Dave talks about how he's the Guy Who's Okay About Menstration, and goes on in exhaustive detail about how he can handle even the heaviest flows.

---

> Ally gets three more wishes!

DRAGO <Ally>: How about... a beer mug that never runs out of beer?
M <genie>: Your wish is my command.
[DRAGO mimes picking up and drinking a beer mug]
DRAGO <Ally>: Hmm, this is pretty good. How about two more of these?

Lainer: I'm not sure if this counts as obscure, but I'm going to tell you about it anyways. FOX's children's programing segment used to have a quartly magazine that was sent to subscibers, and they'd have some sort of original comic based on whatever shows were on at that time. Well, in one issue they had a comic for Mad Jack the Pirate where Jack and his first mate Snuk were trapped in the middle of a desert. Snuk found a genie's bottle, and the above situation took place. Needless to say, Jack looked about ready to turn Snuk into two half Snuks after the end of the comic.

---

> Far from camp, in the cold desert night the ghost of the bare wench
> dropped cheryl on the cold rocky ground.

M <ghost>: Crap! Ran out of Pathos. Now where did I leave that Fetter...?

---

DRAGO <professor Schwarr, the root beer drinking man>: Now, Mr. Johnson, if we could discuss those punch cards...

---

> in the phoenix sub-urbs...

SDR: Tenchi was hitting on Athena, Sephiroth was working off his community service, and Aki was angsting... *again*.

Lainer: yeah, okay, I'm sorry. I know the thing about injokes, but it just seemed to fit. There's this MUX that I used to frequent called phoenix where all the characters are from either anime or video games. Needless to say, interesting situations arose.

---

> meanwhile back in the living room...

NNIRK <southern accent>: Operator? Get me room 321, please.

---

DAVID: Maybe I should've just shouted 'HAMMER TIME!'
DUB: ...no. No, you shouldn't. Ever.

Penfold: A reference to MC Hammer that should probably go in the Riffola Musica section. I'll have to agree with dub's response, by the way.
Chimera: Sadly I feel COMPELLED to shout 'HAMMERTIME!' whenever somebody shouts STOP. It's a sickness, I know!

---

> "OH YES OH YEAH."

DUB: That was the best track off the '1977' album! I can see screaming it out during orgasm.

---

DAVID: But without any miners, you can't get the diamond, and then you can't buy the Runaway Five's freedom, and- [notices others staring] ...never mind.

Dragomorph: Half-assed Earthbound reference. One of the sidequests requires you to get a diamond from some miners who are having problems in their cave. Incidentally, I am between the second and the fourth best riffer in this group. ^_^

---

NNIRK: Excuse me, creepy narrator, but you've already told us you were pinned with absolutely no possibility of escape. How exactly would you manage to forfeit your life?
MAX: Simple. Bite his tongue and bleed to death.
SDR: Or use an eyelash and a fingernail.

SD: Okay, I haven't actually /read/ the story in question, but I've seen enough references that I think it's valid. SDR is referring to a Star Trek Mary Sue; I don't remember if it's original or TNG. I do remember that she was Empathic, Alien, Angsty, and committed suicide after playing matchmaker for the Captain via - you guessed it - an eyelash and a fingernail.
SD: I'll Google for the reference again eventually, I think.

---

> She tried to rationalize it again. Somebody dressed up as a vampyre to
> play a joke on her,

DAVID <Mark Kendall>: I do not look like a vampire!

Lainer: from the early Jim Carrey movie Once Bitten. After Carrey gets turned into a vampire he starts wearing all black clothing, a black trench coat, and black sunglasses. While he's going to a halloween party with his girlfirend every keeps stopping him and telling him that he has a great vampire costume, which causes him to respond with the above. It's true too, he looked more like the Terminator.

---

DUB <boy>: My life is dead, my soul is dead, my love is dead, my little cactus I bought in Arizona is dead.

Krinn: This one's mine. Taken from Don Harmon's foreward in Heavy 3P0, a Scud: the Disposable Assassin TPB.

---

DUB: Psh. Put away the Blackfire elemental before Joseph tracks you down, pussy.

---

T.OGRE <Joe C>: Yo, kid! Tell 'em what yer name is!
BRANDT: [bolts to his feet, upsetting EON] My name is BRAAAAAAANNNNN-

Penfold: More Musica. This is the beginning to Kid Rock's "Bawidaba," or something close to it.

--

LAINER: Kick ass! A soul labret!

--

EON <Andrew>: I've got a feeling. A feeling I can't hide... oh, no.

Sherlock: This has to be the fourth or fifth Beatles ref that I've been able to get before anyone else. It's the song "I've Got a Feeling."

--

> I guess that means that he goes to my school.* She noticed that she was shaking
> and stopped.

THIEF <Kyra>: Yeah, that's enough thinking about Samsung in one day.

Penfold: "Samsung means 'to come.'" This was a flash that was linked to on the Ballad a couple months before we started this episode.

Viper: It was a by a Korean woman who apparently felt like Samsung came to her house and screwed her. Literally. I'm sorry I ever posted that link. T_T

--

> "My dad always tells me that I’m just like my grandmother when she was
> twelve Erica," Kyra replied to her best friend.

BRANDT <Kyra>: Yeah, want to see the necklace she left me? That's odd, I wonder why it's pointing down the hallway.

Lainer: The resemblances between Kyra and Escaflowne's Hitmomi are made later on in the fic, but I got the first one. Huzzah. This one's refering to Hitomi's magic necklace that points in the direction of really bad events.
Editing note: I'm an idiot for not noticing this, but I should have dropped the "yeah" from that line. I thought Kyra's friend was talking...

--

> Now that brought whispers from the class. "I wonder if he’ll be able to
> speak Japanese," whispered a boy.

ROBBIE: Yes, but only in his Sailor Soldier form.

Lainer: I took this one from a stupid Sailor Moon fic that I think either Dragomorph or Meagan MSTed. If it wasn't them, then I don't have the slightest idea who did it.
Dragomorph: Doesn't sound like one I did...
--

BRANDT: That's one hell of a gaze attack.

Another editing note, and this one's obvious enough that I'm surprised that no one caught it.

Viper: ...Pokemon?
Krinn: ...D&D reference?

--

BRANDT: Because Der Kommisar's in town.
ALL <nodding sagely>: Whoa-oooh.

Chimera: Man, I disguised a LOT of music riffs as normal ones, didn't I?

--
> "I know I’ve sensed it before, but now I forgot where."
>
> "That’s the same with us Kyra," said Kristen.

KAO: These people must be related to Shinnosuke.

Penfold: Shinnosuke is the broom-weilding guardian of Ryugenzawa in Ranma 1/2. His memory holds information almost as well as the average net holds water.

--

LAINER <Kristen>: That's because they don't have women in America, sweetie.
THIEF: Not since O'Neill's Plague, at least.

--

LAINER <Kyo>: We must search for "him."
EON <Benitora>: Yes, it could only be "him" behind this.
KAO <Yuya>: But can we really defeat "him?"
BRANDT <Sanada>: We can only hope, for if "he" rises we'll revert to Civil War.
ROBBIE: JUST FUCKING SAY HIS NAME ALREADY!
[Beat.]
LAINER <Kyo>: Yes, "he" is the cause of all this evil.
[ROBBIE seethes.]

Dragomorph: This is mocking the half-assed fansub job in the B-rated anime "Samurai Deeper Kyo," possibly the only anime set in the time of Nobunaga that STILL manages to stuff Tokyo Tower in by the last episode. Basically, for half the show, the characters refer to a "him" without telling us who "he" is, and then even when it's revealed who "he" is, they STILL freaking say "him." Shitty, shitty anime.

--
When he heard the

BRANDT: -music years before, but the man there said the music wouldn't play?

> sound,

BRANDT: I was wrong? Nng! I blame you for this! [points a finger at the entrance] Bang!

Chimera: The first bit's actually a music ref to Don McLean's "The Day the Music Died". The second bit's just Brandt getting frustrated and blaming the door.
[BUZZZZ!]
Sherlock: Don McLean's song is called "American Pie." Bitch.

--

> Her senses suddenly sensed that presence again and she quickly shot her
> head up again.

T.OGRE: Cracking it against the cabinet, stumbling into the cabinet of dolls, before finally collapsing atop the pile of life-saving junk mail.

Lainer: The junk mail might be throwing me off, but isn't this how you save the Babblefish in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy game?
Chimera: Nope. "The Kids in the Hall", this is Kevin MacDonald's tale of how junk mail saved his life (by stopping the bleeding from his head when he cracked it on a cabinet by standing up too fast). Fun guess though.

--

> Kyra quickly ran to her window and opened it.

LAINER <Clarissa>: Oh, hey Sam.
[A guitar twangs in the background.]

Lainer: From Melissa Joan Hart's first TV show, Clarissa Explains It All. Sam would always, and only, enter the scene by climbing in through Clarissa's bedroom window. It should be noted that I like this TV show far more than I really should.

--

But it suddenly glowed

T.OGRE: -causing the Matrix-born mirror to stop working. She'd go to see Sparrow in the morning to have it repaired.

Chimera: This is a reference to David Drake's Northworld trilogy. See, these artificers in the Northworld use this sub-universe called the Matrix to craft things. A glowing magic necklace interfered with the mirror's connection to the Matrix, causing this princess chick to need to see Sparrow to get it fixed.

--

BRANDT: Aaahhh! Its the thing from the end of THE LURKING HORROR! Run for your life before it kills us all!

Krinn: Possible H.P. Lovecraft reference to either the short story "The Lurking Horror" or the movie of the same name.

--

THIEF: At which point her body launched an infant out the window at Mach 12 who grew old and crash-landed in a grave on the other side of the planet.
ROBBIE: I'm not even going to ask.

Lainer: And Robbie shouldn't have to, since he's probably seen it. Thief's refering to a british Xbox commercial.

--

> As she looked out the window at the lake, she noticed a ripple in the
> surface.

JAKE <Sanford>: Now y'all stop tossin' my wine in the lake!

Penfold: I'm assuming that this Sanford has male progeny, as in "Sanford and Son."
Chimera: Yep. See, Sanford was always drinking Ripple wine...

--

GEN: Geez, John Haloren's surfacing *again*. Doesn't anyone know how to hide a body in a lake anymore?

Lainer: Actually, the whole point of this riff was to have Jake make it; this was way before Gen's time. It's a referance to Francis Ford Coppola's first film, Dementia 13.
Penfold: ...I'm not sure I want to know...

--

CHAR <looking at the magazine>: Seems like transparent miniskirts are in, and women's rights are out. What a surprise.

Lainer: At the time I wrote that, miniskirts with transperant butts were apparently all the rage in Japan.

--

> It
> pushed its head down inside the tight denim and ran down, splitting her
> jeans open as it moved down her panties.

ICE: Well, it had to do that; to stop her from suffocating.
ONIKO: Yea. If its moment of indecisiveness had caused her to die, then it could never have lived with itself.

Lainer: Yeah, okay, I'm never going to live this one down. This is a referance to the hentai game Nocturnal Illusion. At one point the main character gets attacked by one of his housemates wearing a suit of evil armor. He stops her, but after geting the armor off he finds that she's unconcous. He then removes all of her clothing except her panties under the pretense that they might be preventing her from breathing, but that still doesn't solve anything. If you then choose not to remove her panties, you get text similar to the above. For the record I heard about the game from Sharkey (http://www.solidsharkey.com/nocturnal.html) and SA (http://somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=466); I've actually never played a Hentai game.
Dragomorph: Suuuure you haven't.
Viper: I have. ^_______^

--

> She cried out and tossed, her eyes closed and face
> flushed, as the three serpent-heads sucked her breasts

GEN: -trying very hard to ignore the fact that Lord Tyler was taking up most of the room.

Chimera: In Heavy Metal 2000, evildoer Tyler sucks on heroine Julie's breasts. It stuck with me because it's the only sex scene in a movie which should've been overflowing with them.

--

> one stretching inside her body from
> that one spot within her,

GEN: -also known as the biological thermonuclear bomb that the alien race hid in her clone body.

Penfold: Is the the "Jean Bomb" (that ain't a typo) from Uncanny X-Men?
Chimera: Nope. It's a reference to 'Imposter', a seemingly unknown film with Gary Sinese about a government gone (understandably) mad with paranoia trying to find bio-nukes that aliens hid in artificial humans.

--

> and she shrieked as a long serpent thrust up
> between her legs and parted the lips of her vagina.

ONIKO: However, there was already a Remington water-pistol pressed in there by a Dare the lesbian assassin.

--

ONIKO: If you don't kill him with the one correct object in the game within five turns, he'll keep getting angrier and angrier until he'll appear to calm down only to rip you to shreds with his oversized teeth. [nods sagely]

--

JAKE <Jessica Fletcher>: I don't know about the rest of the world, but Cabot Cove has been quiet lately.

Penfold: From "Murder, She Wrote." If you visited Cabot Cove, Maine, it was to kill someone. If not, you were either the victim or framed for the murder.

--

CHAR: ...then came the Night Wraith brigade and then they overwhelmed the moon frogs and then the Yellow Priest knew he was fucked.

Krinn. Another Lovecraft reference, this time to "The Dream Quest of Unknown Kadath". BTW, it's not 'Night Wraith', it's 'nightgaunt'.

--

Drago addition: Because I believe in giving credit where it's due, and because I'm a smug little bunnydragon:

SDR <Vampyre>: I'm a VAMPYRE!
NNIRK <Abby>: No, I'm a mage, and you're a BOX.

Drago: This is about as obscure as I get. While on the surface, it's a basic Vampire ref, it's actually a reference to a very, VERY specific event. A friend of a friend of mine apparently was at a hotel one night where a Vampire: The Masquerade LARP was taking place. While in the bathroom, some foolish person assumed he was part of the game as well and walked up to him, stating, "I'm a VAMPIRE!" My friend's friend, aware of the game in question, replied, "No, I'm a mage, and you're a box." Even went to the GM and informed him of this, so for the rest of the night the poor sod was a box. Har har.


Posted on Nov 3, 2003, 10:38 PM
from IP address 204.186.211.77

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Nobody's gotten my only obscure ref?

by t.ogre (no login)

VIPER: I'd like to introduce the President, the President's husband, and her mistress.

Dragomorph: Oy vey, this is hard to explain... I don't know a DANG thing about the movie this is from. I just remember hearing a snippet of it in a commercial for what I THINK is a movie channel, or something in England. It's actually bastardized to fit the situation. Anybody know? I think it's a National Lampoon film, or something.

---

DRAGO <Aladdin>: Good teens take off their clothes!

Lainer: I don't know, on the one hand, some people might not get it. On the other hand, if you *haven't* heard of it, you probably haven't been on the internet long enough.
Sherlock: Really, Lainer. Give them the horrid details. It's basically an Aladdin thing. There was some controversy as to what he was saying in that scene where Aladdin visits the princess outside her room, and the tiger comes at him. In place of the original line, some people thought the above line could be heard with a different voice. Never heard it myself. Check the Urban Legends Reference Page.

---
> Jasmine hung her head low ignoring the bidding war, she did not even
> look to see her new master.

ZANDAR <Papa Lazarou>: Your my wife, now.
M: Mozanrath?

Dragomorph: Don't know much 'bout the former, but Mozanrath was a villain from the TV version of Aladdin, and quite possibly the only example of a Disney villain who can honestly be described as "bish." Incidentally, that's the wrong "your," damnit.

---
> He has been trying to
> find the secret to imortality.

COSMOS <Ally>: Why doesn't he just use cinnabar, mercury and arsenic?
M <Bob>: He says it disagrees with his stomach.

Dragomorph: Bwa ha. You can TELL I wrote this riff during my Asian History class. Cinnabar, mercury and arsenic is the Daoist formula for immortality. Not that it WORKED, of course...

---

M: No, that's a fake dick. *That's* a wrap.
[M points to a mass of fruit salad held together with Glad Wrap, marching around
the tank. It holds a sign reading, "Get the fuck off my house. Bitch."]

Viper: This? Oh, this! This is just one of my mind pukes. Dismiss with a chuckle. ^_^

---
> "Actually we are here for information, we wanna know where we can find
> Francis Newman Stien." Kaitlin said.

ZANDAR <Asuka>: STIEN!

---

ZANDAR <mob>: Learn to read, motherfucker!
M <Ally>: No, I-
ZANDAR <mob>: I said learn to read! [mimes beating M with a bat]
M <Ally>: I can't- OH GOD!

Chimera: From the www.sixsixfive.com website, a new take on the 'fight against illiteracy' programs.

---

DRAGO <Dave>: And if that stream should become a rushing torrent, a raging cataract, why I shall ford that womanly river...

Chimera: From 'The Kids in the Hall'... Dave talks about how he's the Guy Who's Okay About Menstration, and goes on in exhaustive detail about how he can handle even the heaviest flows.

---

> Ally gets three more wishes!

DRAGO <Ally>: How about... a beer mug that never runs out of beer?
M <genie>: Your wish is my command.
[DRAGO mimes picking up and drinking a beer mug]
DRAGO <Ally>: Hmm, this is pretty good. How about two more of these?

Lainer: I'm not sure if this counts as obscure, but I'm going to tell you about it anyways. FOX's children's programing segment used to have a quartly magazine that was sent to subscibers, and they'd have some sort of original comic based on whatever shows were on at that time. Well, in one issue they had a comic for Mad Jack the Pirate where Jack and his first mate Snuk were trapped in the middle of a desert. Snuk found a genie's bottle, and the above situation took place. Needless to say, Jack looked about ready to turn Snuk into two half Snuks after the end of the comic.

---

> Far from camp, in the cold desert night the ghost of the bare wench
> dropped cheryl on the cold rocky ground.

M <ghost>: Crap! Ran out of Pathos. Now where did I leave that Fetter...?

---

DRAGO <professor Schwarr, the root beer drinking man>: Now, Mr. Johnson, if we could discuss those punch cards...

---

> in the phoenix sub-urbs...

SDR: Tenchi was hitting on Athena, Sephiroth was working off his community service, and Aki was angsting... *again*.

Lainer: yeah, okay, I'm sorry. I know the thing about injokes, but it just seemed to fit. There's this MUX that I used to frequent called phoenix where all the characters are from either anime or video games. Needless to say, interesting situations arose.

---

> meanwhile back in the living room...

NNIRK <southern accent>: Operator? Get me room 321, please.

---

DAVID: Maybe I should've just shouted 'HAMMER TIME!'
DUB: ...no. No, you shouldn't. Ever.

Penfold: A reference to MC Hammer that should probably go in the Riffola Musica section. I'll have to agree with dub's response, by the way.
Chimera: Sadly I feel COMPELLED to shout 'HAMMERTIME!' whenever somebody shouts STOP. It's a sickness, I know!

---

> "OH YES OH YEAH."

DUB: That was the best track off the '1977' album! I can see screaming it out during orgasm.

---

DAVID: But without any miners, you can't get the diamond, and then you can't buy the Runaway Five's freedom, and- [notices others staring] ...never mind.

Dragomorph: Half-assed Earthbound reference. One of the sidequests requires you to get a diamond from some miners who are having problems in their cave. Incidentally, I am between the second and the fourth best riffer in this group. ^_^

---

NNIRK: Excuse me, creepy narrator, but you've already told us you were pinned with absolutely no possibility of escape. How exactly would you manage to forfeit your life?
MAX: Simple. Bite his tongue and bleed to death.
SDR: Or use an eyelash and a fingernail.

SD: Okay, I haven't actually /read/ the story in question, but I've seen enough references that I think it's valid. SDR is referring to a Star Trek Mary Sue; I don't remember if it's original or TNG. I do remember that she was Empathic, Alien, Angsty, and committed suicide after playing matchmaker for the Captain via - you guessed it - an eyelash and a fingernail.
SD: I'll Google for the reference again eventually, I think.

---

> She tried to rationalize it again. Somebody dressed up as a vampyre to
> play a joke on her,

DAVID <Mark Kendall>: I do not look like a vampire!

Lainer: from the early Jim Carrey movie Once Bitten. After Carrey gets turned into a vampire he starts wearing all black clothing, a black trench coat, and black sunglasses. While he's going to a halloween party with his girlfirend every keeps stopping him and telling him that he has a great vampire costume, which causes him to respond with the above. It's true too, he looked more like the Terminator.

---

DUB <boy>: My life is dead, my soul is dead, my love is dead, my little cactus I bought in Arizona is dead.

Krinn: This one's mine. Taken from Don Harmon's foreward in Heavy 3P0, a Scud: the Disposable Assassin TPB.

---

DUB: Psh. Put away the Blackfire elemental before Joseph tracks you down, pussy.

---

T.OGRE <Joe C>: Yo, kid! Tell 'em what yer name is!
BRANDT: [bolts to his feet, upsetting EON] My name is BRAAAAAAANNNNN-

Penfold: More Musica. This is the beginning to Kid Rock's "Bawidaba," or something close to it.

--

LAINER: Kick ass! A soul labret!

--

EON <Andrew>: I've got a feeling. A feeling I can't hide... oh, no.

Sherlock: This has to be the fourth or fifth Beatles ref that I've been able to get before anyone else. It's the song "I've Got a Feeling."

--

> I guess that means that he goes to my school.* She noticed that she was shaking
> and stopped.

THIEF <Kyra>: Yeah, that's enough thinking about Samsung in one day.

Penfold: "Samsung means 'to come.'" This was a flash that was linked to on the Ballad a couple months before we started this episode.

Viper: It was a by a Korean woman who apparently felt like Samsung came to her house and screwed her. Literally. I'm sorry I ever posted that link. T_T

--

> "My dad always tells me that I’m just like my grandmother when she was
> twelve Erica," Kyra replied to her best friend.

BRANDT <Kyra>: Yeah, want to see the necklace she left me? That's odd, I wonder why it's pointing down the hallway.

Lainer: The resemblances between Kyra and Escaflowne's Hitmomi are made later on in the fic, but I got the first one. Huzzah. This one's refering to Hitomi's magic necklace that points in the direction of really bad events.
Editing note: I'm an idiot for not noticing this, but I should have dropped the "yeah" from that line. I thought Kyra's friend was talking...

--

> Now that brought whispers from the class. "I wonder if he’ll be able to
> speak Japanese," whispered a boy.

ROBBIE: Yes, but only in his Sailor Soldier form.

Lainer: I took this one from a stupid Sailor Moon fic that I think either Dragomorph or Meagan MSTed. If it wasn't them, then I don't have the slightest idea who did it.
Dragomorph: Doesn't sound like one I did...
--

BRANDT: That's one hell of a gaze attack.

Another editing note, and this one's obvious enough that I'm surprised that no one caught it.

Viper: ...Pokemon?
Krinn: ...D&D reference?
t.ogre: Hell, if Chimera wrote it, it's probably a Constantine or Preacher ref. Speaking of which, Chimmie, Keanu is playing John Constantine. Movie goes into production in January.

--

BRANDT: Because Der Kommisar's in town.
ALL <nodding sagely>: Whoa-oooh.

Chimera: Man, I disguised a LOT of music riffs as normal ones, didn't I?
t.ogre: Duh. Who didn't move this over to the music riffs page? It's "Der Kommisar" by the late Falco.

--
> "I know I’ve sensed it before, but now I forgot where."
>
> "That’s the same with us Kyra," said Kristen.

KAO: These people must be related to Shinnosuke.

Penfold: Shinnosuke is the broom-weilding guardian of Ryugenzawa in Ranma 1/2. His memory holds information almost as well as the average net holds water.

--

LAINER <Kristen>: That's because they don't have women in America, sweetie.
THIEF: Not since O'Neill's Plague, at least.

t.ogre: C'mon! Does *anyone* else realize that Frank Herbert wrote something other than the "Dune" books? It's a reference to "The White Plague." O'Neill sets off a retributive strike after his wife and kids are killed by an IRA bomb via a gender-specific plague. Go find it at your local used bookstore and read it. NOW.
--

LAINER <Kyo>: We must search for "him."
EON <Benitora>: Yes, it could only be "him" behind this.
KAO <Yuya>: But can we really defeat "him?"
BRANDT <Sanada>: We can only hope, for if "he" rises we'll revert to Civil War.
ROBBIE: JUST FUCKING SAY HIS NAME ALREADY!
[Beat.]
LAINER <Kyo>: Yes, "he" is the cause of all this evil.
[ROBBIE seethes.]

Dragomorph: This is mocking the half-assed fansub job in the B-rated anime "Samurai Deeper Kyo," possibly the only anime set in the time of Nobunaga that STILL manages to stuff Tokyo Tower in by the last episode. Basically, for half the show, the characters refer to a "him" without telling us who "he" is, and then even when it's revealed who "he" is, they STILL freaking say "him." Shitty, shitty anime.

--
When he heard the

BRANDT: -music years before, but the man there said the music wouldn't play?

> sound,

BRANDT: I was wrong? Nng! I blame you for this! [points a finger at the entrance] Bang!

Chimera: The first bit's actually a music ref to Don McLean's "The Day the Music Died". The second bit's just Brandt getting frustrated and blaming the door.
[BUZZZZ!]
Sherlock: Don McLean's song is called "American Pie." Bitch.

--

> Her senses suddenly sensed that presence again and she quickly shot her
> head up again.

T.OGRE: Cracking it against the cabinet, stumbling into the cabinet of dolls, before finally collapsing atop the pile of life-saving junk mail.

Lainer: The junk mail might be throwing me off, but isn't this how you save the Babblefish in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy game?
Chimera: Nope. "The Kids in the Hall", this is Kevin MacDonald's tale of how junk mail saved his life (by stopping the bleeding from his head when he cracked it on a cabinet by standing up too fast). Fun guess though.

--

> Kyra quickly ran to her window and opened it.

LAINER <Clarissa>: Oh, hey Sam.
[A guitar twangs in the background.]

Lainer: From Melissa Joan Hart's first TV show, Clarissa Explains It All. Sam would always, and only, enter the scene by climbing in through Clarissa's bedroom window. It should be noted that I like this TV show far more than I really should.
t.ogre: Admit it, it's got nothin' to do with the show. It's all about Melissa Joan Hart, ain't it?

--

But it suddenly glowed

T.OGRE: -causing the Matrix-born mirror to stop working. She'd go to see Sparrow in the morning to have it repaired.

Chimera: This is a reference to David Drake's Northworld trilogy. See, these artificers in the Northworld use this sub-universe called the Matrix to craft things. A glowing magic necklace interfered with the mirror's connection to the Matrix, causing this princess chick to need to see Sparrow to get it fixed.

--

BRANDT: Aaahhh! Its the thing from the end of THE LURKING HORROR! Run for your life before it kills us all!

Krinn: Possible H.P. Lovecraft reference to either the short story "The Lurking Horror" or the movie of the same name.

--

THIEF: At which point her body launched an infant out the window at Mach 12 who grew old and crash-landed in a grave on the other side of the planet.
ROBBIE: I'm not even going to ask.

Lainer: And Robbie shouldn't have to, since he's probably seen it. Thief's refering to a british Xbox commercial.

--

> As she looked out the window at the lake, she noticed a ripple in the
> surface.

JAKE <Sanford>: Now y'all stop tossin' my wine in the lake!

Penfold: I'm assuming that this Sanford has male progeny, as in "Sanford and Son."
Chimera: Yep. See, Sanford was always drinking Ripple wine...

--

GEN: Geez, John Haloren's surfacing *again*. Doesn't anyone know how to hide a body in a lake anymore?

Lainer: Actually, the whole point of this riff was to have Jake make it; this was way before Gen's time. It's a referance to Francis Ford Coppola's first film, Dementia 13.
Penfold: ...I'm not sure I want to know...

--

CHAR <looking at the magazine>: Seems like transparent miniskirts are in, and women's rights are out. What a surprise.

Lainer: At the time I wrote that, miniskirts with transperant butts were apparently all the rage in Japan.

--

> It
> pushed its head down inside the tight denim and ran down, splitting her
> jeans open as it moved down her panties.

ICE: Well, it had to do that; to stop her from suffocating.
ONIKO: Yea. If its moment of indecisiveness had caused her to die, then it could never have lived with itself.

Lainer: Yeah, okay, I'm never going to live this one down. This is a referance to the hentai game Nocturnal Illusion. At one point the main character gets attacked by one of his housemates wearing a suit of evil armor. He stops her, but after geting the armor off he finds that she's unconcous. He then removes all of her clothing except her panties under the pretense that they might be preventing her from breathing, but that still doesn't solve anything. If you then choose not to remove her panties, you get text similar to the above. For the record I heard about the game from Sharkey (http://www.solidsharkey.com/nocturnal.html) and SA (http://somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=466); I've actually never played a Hentai game.
Dragomorph: Suuuure you haven't.
Viper: I have. ^_______^

--

> She cried out and tossed, her eyes closed and face
> flushed, as the three serpent-heads sucked her breasts

GEN: -trying very hard to ignore the fact that Lord Tyler was taking up most of the room.

Chimera: In Heavy Metal 2000, evildoer Tyler sucks on heroine Julie's breasts. It stuck with me because it's the only sex scene in a movie which should've been overflowing with them.

--

> one stretching inside her body from
> that one spot within her,

GEN: -also known as the biological thermonuclear bomb that the alien race hid in her clone body.

Penfold: Is the the "Jean Bomb" (that ain't a typo) from Uncanny X-Men?
Chimera: Nope. It's a reference to 'Imposter', a seemingly unknown film with Gary Sinese about a government gone (understandably) mad with paranoia trying to find bio-nukes that aliens hid in artificial humans.
t.ogre: Holy crap. I thought I was the only person that had ever seen that movie.

--

> and she shrieked as a long serpent thrust up
> between her legs and parted the lips of her vagina.

ONIKO: However, there was already a Remington water-pistol pressed in there by a Dare the lesbian assassin.

--

ONIKO: If you don't kill him with the one correct object in the game within five turns, he'll keep getting angrier and angrier until he'll appear to calm down only to rip you to shreds with his oversized teeth. [nods sagely]

--

JAKE <Jessica Fletcher>: I don't know about the rest of the world, but Cabot Cove has been quiet lately.

Penfold: From "Murder, She Wrote." If you visited Cabot Cove, Maine, it was to kill someone. If not, you were either the victim or framed for the murder.

--

CHAR: ...then came the Night Wraith brigade and then they overwhelmed the moon frogs and then the Yellow Priest knew he was fucked.

Krinn. Another Lovecraft reference, this time to "The Dream Quest of Unknown Kadath". BTW, it's not 'Night Wraith', it's 'nightgaunt'.

--

Drago addition: Because I believe in giving credit where it's due, and because I'm a smug little bunnydragon:

SDR <Vampyre>: I'm a VAMPYRE!
NNIRK <Abby>: No, I'm a mage, and you're a BOX.

Drago: This is about as obscure as I get. While on the surface, it's a basic Vampire ref, it's actually a reference to a very, VERY specific event. A friend of a friend of mine apparently was at a hotel one night where a Vampire: The Masquerade LARP was taking place. While in the bathroom, some foolish person assumed he was part of the game as well and walked up to him, stating, "I'm a VAMPIRE!" My friend's friend, aware of the game in question, replied, "No, I'm a mage, and you're a box." Even went to the GM and informed him of this, so for the rest of the night the poor sod was a box. Har har.

Posted on Nov 5, 2003, 7:06 AM
from IP address 143.166.226.19

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No, but you did explain it during editing, I just wanted to let you get it. Aren't I nice?

by Chimera, the nice guy. So so nice. Nicey nice (no login)

VIPER: I'd like to introduce the President, the President's husband, and her mistress.

Dragomorph: Oy vey, this is hard to explain... I don't know a DANG thing about the movie this is from. I just remember hearing a snippet of it in a commercial for what I THINK is a movie channel, or something in England. It's actually bastardized to fit the situation. Anybody know? I think it's a National Lampoon film, or something.

---

DRAGO <Aladdin>: Good teens take off their clothes!

Lainer: I don't know, on the one hand, some people might not get it. On the other hand, if you *haven't* heard of it, you probably haven't been on the internet long enough.
Sherlock: Really, Lainer. Give them the horrid details. It's basically an Aladdin thing. There was some controversy as to what he was saying in that scene where Aladdin visits the princess outside her room, and the tiger comes at him. In place of the original line, some people thought the above line could be heard with a different voice. Never heard it myself. Check the Urban Legends Reference Page.

---
> Jasmine hung her head low ignoring the bidding war, she did not even
> look to see her new master.

ZANDAR <Papa Lazarou>: Your my wife, now.
M: Mozanrath?

Dragomorph: Don't know much 'bout the former, but Mozanrath was a villain from the TV version of Aladdin, and quite possibly the only example of a Disney villain who can honestly be described as "bish." Incidentally, that's the wrong "your," damnit.

---
> He has been trying to
> find the secret to imortality.

COSMOS <Ally>: Why doesn't he just use cinnabar, mercury and arsenic?
M <Bob>: He says it disagrees with his stomach.

Dragomorph: Bwa ha. You can TELL I wrote this riff during my Asian History class. Cinnabar, mercury and arsenic is the Daoist formula for immortality. Not that it WORKED, of course...

---

M: No, that's a fake dick. *That's* a wrap.
[M points to a mass of fruit salad held together with Glad Wrap, marching around
the tank. It holds a sign reading, "Get the fuck off my house. Bitch."]

Viper: This? Oh, this! This is just one of my mind pukes. Dismiss with a chuckle. ^_^

---
> "Actually we are here for information, we wanna know where we can find
> Francis Newman Stien." Kaitlin said.

ZANDAR <Asuka>: STIEN!

---

ZANDAR <mob>: Learn to read, motherfucker!
M <Ally>: No, I-
ZANDAR <mob>: I said learn to read! [mimes beating M with a bat]
M <Ally>: I can't- OH GOD!

Chimera: From the www.sixsixfive.com website, a new take on the 'fight against illiteracy' programs.

---

DRAGO <Dave>: And if that stream should become a rushing torrent, a raging cataract, why I shall ford that womanly river...

Chimera: From 'The Kids in the Hall'... Dave talks about how he's the Guy Who's Okay About Menstration, and goes on in exhaustive detail about how he can handle even the heaviest flows.

---

> Ally gets three more wishes!

DRAGO <Ally>: How about... a beer mug that never runs out of beer?
M <genie>: Your wish is my command.
[DRAGO mimes picking up and drinking a beer mug]
DRAGO <Ally>: Hmm, this is pretty good. How about two more of these?

Lainer: I'm not sure if this counts as obscure, but I'm going to tell you about it anyways. FOX's children's programing segment used to have a quartly magazine that was sent to subscibers, and they'd have some sort of original comic based on whatever shows were on at that time. Well, in one issue they had a comic for Mad Jack the Pirate where Jack and his first mate Snuk were trapped in the middle of a desert. Snuk found a genie's bottle, and the above situation took place. Needless to say, Jack looked about ready to turn Snuk into two half Snuks after the end of the comic.

---

> Far from camp, in the cold desert night the ghost of the bare wench
> dropped cheryl on the cold rocky ground.

M <ghost>: Crap! Ran out of Pathos. Now where did I leave that Fetter...?

Chimera: What, nobody's played White Wolf's 'Wraith'? In it, you play ghosts, who have Pathos instead of Bloodpool or Rage, they get it from 'Fetters'... objects, places, or people who tie the ghost to the mortal world.

---

DRAGO <professor Schwarr, the root beer drinking man>: Now, Mr. Johnson, if we could discuss those punch cards...

---

> in the phoenix sub-urbs...

SDR: Tenchi was hitting on Athena, Sephiroth was working off his community service, and Aki was angsting... *again*.

Lainer: yeah, okay, I'm sorry. I know the thing about injokes, but it just seemed to fit. There's this MUX that I used to frequent called phoenix where all the characters are from either anime or video games. Needless to say, interesting situations arose.

---

> meanwhile back in the living room...

NNIRK <southern accent>: Operator? Get me room 321, please.

---

DAVID: Maybe I should've just shouted 'HAMMER TIME!'
DUB: ...no. No, you shouldn't. Ever.

Penfold: A reference to MC Hammer that should probably go in the Riffola Musica section. I'll have to agree with dub's response, by the way.
Chimera: Sadly I feel COMPELLED to shout 'HAMMERTIME!' whenever somebody shouts STOP. It's a sickness, I know!

---

> "OH YES OH YEAH."

DUB: That was the best track off the '1977' album! I can see screaming it out during orgasm.

---

DAVID: But without any miners, you can't get the diamond, and then you can't buy the Runaway Five's freedom, and- [notices others staring] ...never mind.

Dragomorph: Half-assed Earthbound reference. One of the sidequests requires you to get a diamond from some miners who are having problems in their cave. Incidentally, I am between the second and the fourth best riffer in this group. ^_^

---

NNIRK: Excuse me, creepy narrator, but you've already told us you were pinned with absolutely no possibility of escape. How exactly would you manage to forfeit your life?
MAX: Simple. Bite his tongue and bleed to death.
SDR: Or use an eyelash and a fingernail.

SD: Okay, I haven't actually /read/ the story in question, but I've seen enough references that I think it's valid. SDR is referring to a Star Trek Mary Sue; I don't remember if it's original or TNG. I do remember that she was Empathic, Alien, Angsty, and committed suicide after playing matchmaker for the Captain via - you guessed it - an eyelash and a fingernail.
SD: I'll Google for the reference again eventually, I think.
Chimera: Would it be wrong of me to say that I love watching a woman Google for the reference? Mmm, yeah...

---

> She tried to rationalize it again. Somebody dressed up as a vampyre to
> play a joke on her,

DAVID <Mark Kendall>: I do not look like a vampire!

Lainer: from the early Jim Carrey movie Once Bitten. After Carrey gets turned into a vampire he starts wearing all black clothing, a black trench coat, and black sunglasses. While he's going to a halloween party with his girlfirend every keeps stopping him and telling him that he has a great vampire costume, which causes him to respond with the above. It's true too, he looked more like the Terminator.

---

DUB <boy>: My life is dead, my soul is dead, my love is dead, my little cactus I bought in Arizona is dead.

Krinn: This one's mine. Taken from Don Harmon's foreward in Heavy 3P0, a Scud: the Disposable Assassin TPB.

---

DUB: Psh. Put away the Blackfire elemental before Joseph tracks you down, pussy.

Chimera: I'm again surprised nobody got this. Joseph's the hero of the crappy PS2/PC game 'Summoner', he can summon this black burning elemental guy which the fic reminded me of.

---

T.OGRE <Joe C>: Yo, kid! Tell 'em what yer name is!
BRANDT: [bolts to his feet, upsetting EON] My name is BRAAAAAAANNNNN-

Penfold: More Musica. This is the beginning to Kid Rock's "Bawidaba," or something close to it.

--

> "You telling me. I always have a chill every time he looks at me with
> those eyes. It feels like if those eyes pierced my soul."

LAINER: Kick ass! A soul labret!

Chimera: A labret is a lip piercing. I s'pose I could've also gone with a medusa piercing, but I like the word labret.

--

EON <Andrew>: I've got a feeling. A feeling I can't hide... oh, no.

Sherlock: This has to be the fourth or fifth Beatles ref that I've been able to get before anyone else. It's the song "I've Got a Feeling."

--

> I guess that means that he goes to my school.* She noticed that she was shaking
> and stopped.

THIEF <Kyra>: Yeah, that's enough thinking about Samsung in one day.

Penfold: "Samsung means 'to come.'" This was a flash that was linked to on the Ballad a couple months before we started this episode.
Viper: It was a by a Korean woman who apparently felt like Samsung came to her house and screwed her. Literally. I'm sorry I ever posted that link. T_T
Chimera: Actually, I never saw your link... so don't feel TOO responsible. Also, you better cut back on those faces before we call you Emoticoboy.

--

> "My dad always tells me that I’m just like my grandmother when she was
> twelve Erica," Kyra replied to her best friend.

BRANDT <Kyra>: Yeah, want to see the necklace she left me? That's odd, I wonder why it's pointing down the hallway.

Lainer: The resemblances between Kyra and Escaflowne's Hitmomi are made later on in the fic, but I got the first one. Huzzah. This one's refering to Hitomi's magic necklace that points in the direction of really bad events.
Editing note: I'm an idiot for not noticing this, but I should have dropped the "yeah" from that line. I thought Kyra's friend was talking...

--

> Now that brought whispers from the class. "I wonder if he’ll be able to
> speak Japanese," whispered a boy.

ROBBIE: Yes, but only in his Sailor Soldier form.

Lainer: I took this one from a stupid Sailor Moon fic that I think either Dragomorph or Meagan MSTed. If it wasn't them, then I don't have the slightest idea who did it.
Dragomorph: Doesn't sound like one I did...

--

BRANDT: That's one hell of a gaze attack.

Another editing note, and this one's obvious enough that I'm surprised that no one caught it.

Viper: ...Pokemon?
Krinn: ...D&D reference?
t.ogre: Hell, if Chimera wrote it, it's probably a Constantine or Preacher ref. Speaking of which, Chimmie, Keanu is playing John Constantine. Movie goes into production in January.
Chimera: Now now, I've restrained myself to a maximum of two of each per episode, and I didn't do ANY in this time- Wait, did you say fucking Keanu? [slits his wrists]

--

BRANDT: Because Der Kommisar's in town.
ALL <nodding sagely>: Whoa-oooh.

Chimera: Man, I disguised a LOT of music riffs as normal ones, didn't I?
t.ogre: Duh. Who didn't move this over to the music riffs page? It's "Der Kommisar" by the late Falco.
Chimera: To our fans (Hello to both of you), the guy who makes the Musica page just hits 'Find' and type in 'singing'. This has been a Behind the Scenes look at Quasispace. Don't forget to describe it to your psychiatrist.

--
> "I know I’ve sensed it before, but now I forgot where."
>
> "That’s the same with us Kyra," said Kristen.

KAO: These people must be related to Shinnosuke.

Penfold: Shinnosuke is the broom-weilding guardian of Ryugenzawa in Ranma 1/2. His memory holds information almost as well as the average net holds water.

--

LAINER <Kristen>: That's because they don't have women in America, sweetie.
THIEF: Not since O'Neill's Plague, at least.

t.ogre: C'mon! Does *anyone* else realize that Frank Herbert wrote something other than the "Dune" books? It's a reference to "The White Plague." O'Neill sets off a retributive strike after his wife and kids are killed by an IRA bomb via a gender-specific plague. Go find it at your local used bookstore and read it. NOW.

--

LAINER <Kyo>: We must search for "him."
EON <Benitora>: Yes, it could only be "him" behind this.
KAO <Yuya>: But can we really defeat "him?"
BRANDT <Sanada>: We can only hope, for if "he" rises we'll revert to Civil War.
ROBBIE: JUST FUCKING SAY HIS NAME ALREADY!
[Beat.]
LAINER <Kyo>: Yes, "he" is the cause of all this evil.
[ROBBIE seethes.]

Dragomorph: This is mocking the half-assed fansub job in the B-rated anime "Samurai Deeper Kyo," possibly the only anime set in the time of Nobunaga that STILL manages to stuff Tokyo Tower in by the last episode. Basically, for half the show, the characters refer to a "him" without telling us who "he" is, and then even when it's revealed who "he" is, they STILL freaking say "him." Shitty, shitty anime.

--
When he heard the

BRANDT: -music years before, but the man there said the music wouldn't play?

> sound,

BRANDT: I was wrong? Nng! I blame you for this! [points a finger at the entrance] Bang!

Chimera: The first bit's actually a music ref to Don McLean's "The Day the Music Died". The second bit's just Brandt getting frustrated and blaming the door to set up another, er, 'joke' I guess we could call it.
[BUZZZZ!]
Sherlock: Don McLean's song is called "American Pie." Bitch.
Chimera: Haha! I'm just too lazy to look it up. Thanks for doing my work, sucka.

--

> Her senses suddenly sensed that presence again and she quickly shot her
> head up again.

T.OGRE: Cracking it against the cabinet, stumbling into the cabinet of dolls, before finally collapsing atop the pile of life-saving junk mail.

Lainer: The junk mail might be throwing me off, but isn't this how you save the Babblefish in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy game?
Chimera: Nope. "The Kids in the Hall", this is Kevin MacDonald's tale of how junk mail saved his life (by stopping the bleeding from his head when he cracked it on a cabinet by standing up too fast). Fun guess though.

--

> Kyra quickly ran to her window and opened it.

LAINER <Clarissa>: Oh, hey Sam.
[A guitar twangs in the background.]

Lainer: From Melissa Joan Hart's first TV show, Clarissa Explains It All. Sam would always, and only, enter the scene by climbing in through Clarissa's bedroom window. It should be noted that I like this TV show far more than I really should.
t.ogre: Admit it, it's got nothin' to do with the show. It's all about Melissa Joan Hart, ain't it?

--

But it suddenly glowed

T.OGRE: -causing the Matrix-born mirror to stop working. She'd go to see Sparrow in the morning to have it repaired.

Chimera: This is a reference to David Drake's Northworld trilogy. See, these artificers in the Northworld use this sub-universe called the Matrix to craft things. A glowing magic necklace interfered with the mirror's connection to the Matrix, causing this princess chick to need to see Sparrow to get it fixed.

--

BRANDT: Aaahhh! Its the thing from the end of THE LURKING HORROR! Run for your life before it kills us all!

Krinn: Possible H.P. Lovecraft reference to either the short story "The Lurking Horror" or the movie of the same name.

--

THIEF: At which point her body launched an infant out the window at Mach 12 who grew old and crash-landed in a grave on the other side of the planet.
ROBBIE: I'm not even going to ask.

Lainer: And Robbie shouldn't have to, since he's probably seen it. Thief's refering to a british Xbox commercial.

--

> As she looked out the window at the lake, she noticed a ripple in the
> surface.

JAKE <Sanford>: Now y'all stop tossin' my wine in the lake!

Penfold: I'm assuming that this Sanford has male progeny, as in "Sanford and Son."
Chimera: Yep. See, Sanford was always drinking Ripple wine...

--

GEN: Geez, John Haloren's surfacing *again*. Doesn't anyone know how to hide a body in a lake anymore?

Lainer: Actually, the whole point of this riff was to have Jake make it; this was way before Gen's time. It's a referance to Francis Ford Coppola's first film, Dementia 13.
Penfold: ...I'm not sure I want to know...

--

CHAR <looking at the magazine>: Seems like transparent miniskirts are in, and women's rights are out. What a surprise.

Lainer: At the time I wrote that, miniskirts with transperant butts were apparently all the rage in Japan.

--

> It
> pushed its head down inside the tight denim and ran down, splitting her
> jeans open as it moved down her panties.

ICE: Well, it had to do that; to stop her from suffocating.
ONIKO: Yea. If its moment of indecisiveness had caused her to die, then it could never have lived with itself.

Lainer: Yeah, okay, I'm never going to live this one down. This is a referance to the hentai game Nocturnal Illusion. At one point the main character gets attacked by one of his housemates wearing a suit of evil armor. He stops her, but after geting the armor off he finds that she's unconcous. He then removes all of her clothing except her panties under the pretense that they might be preventing her from breathing, but that still doesn't solve anything. If you then choose not to remove her panties, you get text similar to the above. For the record I heard about the game from Sharkey (http://www.solidsharkey.com/nocturnal.html) and SA (http://somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=466); I've actually never played a Hentai game.
Dragomorph: Suuuure you haven't.
Viper: I have. ^_______^

--

> She cried out and tossed, her eyes closed and face
> flushed, as the three serpent-heads sucked her breasts

GEN: -trying very hard to ignore the fact that Lord Tyler was taking up most of the room.

Chimera: In Heavy Metal 2000, evildoer Tyler sucks on heroine Julie's breasts. It stuck with me because it's the only sex scene in a movie which should've been overflowing with them.

--

> one stretching inside her body from
> that one spot within her,

GEN: -also known as the biological thermonuclear bomb that the alien race hid in her clone body.

Penfold: Is the the "Jean Bomb" (that ain't a typo) from Uncanny X-Men?
Chimera: Nope. It's a reference to 'Imposter', a seemingly unknown film with Gary Sinese about a government gone (understandably) mad with paranoia trying to find bio-nukes that aliens hid in artificial humans.
t.ogre: Holy crap. I thought I was the only person that had ever seen that movie.
Chimera: It's like we're twins seperated at birth. Except for the differences in age and racial background and all.

--

> and she shrieked as a long serpent thrust up
> between her legs and parted the lips of her vagina.

ONIKO: However, there was already a Remington water-pistol pressed in there by a Dare the lesbian assassin.

Chimera: Dare's from a couple Eric Van Lustbader books, there was one scene where she had sex with another woman using the previously mentioned toy. By the way, she's an assassin who's also a lesbian, not an assassin OF lesbians.

--

ONIKO: If you don't kill him with the one correct object in the game within five turns, he'll keep getting angrier and angrier until he'll appear to calm down only to rip you to shreds with his oversized teeth. [nods sagely]

--

JAKE <Jessica Fletcher>: I don't know about the rest of the world, but Cabot Cove has been quiet lately.

Penfold: From "Murder, She Wrote." If you visited Cabot Cove, Maine, it was to kill someone. If not, you were either the victim or framed for the murder.

--

CHAR: ...then came the Night Wraith brigade and then they overwhelmed the moon frogs and then the Yellow Priest knew he was fucked.

Krinn. Another Lovecraft reference, this time to "The Dream Quest of Unknown Kadath". BTW, it's not 'Night Wraith', it's 'nightgaunt'.

--

Drago addition: Because I believe in giving credit where it's due, and because I'm a smug little bunnydragon:

SDR <Vampyre>: I'm a VAMPYRE!
NNIRK <Abby>: No, I'm a mage, and you're a BOX.

Drago: This is about as obscure as I get. While on the surface, it's a basic Vampire ref, it's actually a reference to a very, VERY specific event. A friend of a friend of mine apparently was at a hotel one night where a Vampire: The Masquerade LARP was taking place. While in the bathroom, some foolish person assumed he was part of the game as well and walked up to him, stating, "I'm a VAMPIRE!" My friend's friend, aware of the game in question, replied, "No, I'm a mage, and you're a box." Even went to the GM and informed him of this, so for the rest of the night the poor sod was a box. Har har.

Posted on Nov 5, 2003, 2:37 PM
from IP address 172.136.181.95

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...this has... a disturbing lack of metal. Rock harder next time.

by O. Hakubi (no login)

VIPER: I'd like to introduce the President, the President's husband, and her mistress.

Dragomorph: Oy vey, this is hard to explain... I don't know a DANG thing about the movie this is from. I just remember hearing a snippet of it in a commercial for what I THINK is a movie channel, or something in England. It's actually bastardized to fit the situation. Anybody know? I think it's a National Lampoon film, or something.

---

DRAGO <Aladdin>: Good teens take off their clothes!

Lainer: I don't know, on the one hand, some people might not get it. On the other hand, if you *haven't* heard of it, you probably haven't been on the internet long enough.
Sherlock: Really, Lainer. Give them the horrid details. It's basically an Aladdin thing. There was some controversy as to what he was saying in that scene where Aladdin visits the princess outside her room, and the tiger comes at him. In place of the original line, some people thought the above line could be heard with a different voice. Never heard it myself. Check the Urban Legends Reference Page.

---
> Jasmine hung her head low ignoring the bidding war, she did not even
> look to see her new master.

ZANDAR <Papa Lazarou>: Your my wife, now.
M: Mozanrath?

Dragomorph: Don't know much 'bout the former, but Mozanrath was a villain from the TV version of Aladdin, and quite possibly the only example of a Disney villain who can honestly be described as "bish." Incidentally, that's the wrong "your," damnit.

---
> He has been trying to
> find the secret to imortality.

COSMOS <Ally>: Why doesn't he just use cinnabar, mercury and arsenic?
M <Bob>: He says it disagrees with his stomach.

Dragomorph: Bwa ha. You can TELL I wrote this riff during my Asian History class. Cinnabar, mercury and arsenic is the Daoist formula for immortality. Not that it WORKED, of course...

---

M: No, that's a fake dick. *That's* a wrap.
[M points to a mass of fruit salad held together with Glad Wrap, marching around
the tank. It holds a sign reading, "Get the fuck off my house. Bitch."]

Viper: This? Oh, this! This is just one of my mind pukes. Dismiss with a chuckle. ^_^

---
> "Actually we are here for information, we wanna know where we can find
> Francis Newman Stien." Kaitlin said.

ZANDAR <Asuka>: STIEN!

---

ZANDAR <mob>: Learn to read, motherfucker!
M <Ally>: No, I-
ZANDAR <mob>: I said learn to read! [mimes beating M with a bat]
M <Ally>: I can't- OH GOD!

Chimera: From the www.sixsixfive.com website, a new take on the 'fight against illiteracy' programs.

---

DRAGO <Dave>: And if that stream should become a rushing torrent, a raging cataract, why I shall ford that womanly river...

Chimera: From 'The Kids in the Hall'... Dave talks about how he's the Guy Who's Okay About Menstration, and goes on in exhaustive detail about how he can handle even the heaviest flows.

---

> Ally gets three more wishes!

DRAGO <Ally>: How about... a beer mug that never runs out of beer?
M <genie>: Your wish is my command.
[DRAGO mimes picking up and drinking a beer mug]
DRAGO <Ally>: Hmm, this is pretty good. How about two more of these?

Lainer: I'm not sure if this counts as obscure, but I'm going to tell you about it anyways. FOX's children's programing segment used to have a quartly magazine that was sent to subscibers, and they'd have some sort of original comic based on whatever shows were on at that time. Well, in one issue they had a comic for Mad Jack the Pirate where Jack and his first mate Snuk were trapped in the middle of a desert. Snuk found a genie's bottle, and the above situation took place. Needless to say, Jack looked about ready to turn Snuk into two half Snuks after the end of the comic.

---

> Far from camp, in the cold desert night the ghost of the bare wench
> dropped cheryl on the cold rocky ground.

M <ghost>: Crap! Ran out of Pathos. Now where did I leave that Fetter...?

Chimera: What, nobody's played White Wolf's 'Wraith'? In it, you play ghosts, who have Pathos instead of Bloodpool or Rage, they get it from 'Fetters'... objects, places, or people who tie the ghost to the mortal world.

---

DRAGO <professor Schwarr, the root beer drinking man>: Now, Mr. Johnson, if we could discuss those punch cards...

---

> in the phoenix sub-urbs...

SDR: Tenchi was hitting on Athena, Sephiroth was working off his community service, and Aki was angsting... *again*.

Lainer: yeah, okay, I'm sorry. I know the thing about injokes, but it just seemed to fit. There's this MUX that I used to frequent called phoenix where all the characters are from either anime or video games. Needless to say, interesting situations arose.

---

> meanwhile back in the living room...

NNIRK <southern accent>: Operator? Get me room 321, please.

Oniko: Ray Stevens reference. The song "Shriner's Convention" features Bubba trying to contact Coy in said room, and he says that to the operator.

---

DAVID: Maybe I should've just shouted 'HAMMER TIME!'
DUB: ...no. No, you shouldn't. Ever.

Penfold: A reference to MC Hammer that should probably go in the Riffola Musica section. I'll have to agree with dub's response, by the way.
Chimera: Sadly I feel COMPELLED to shout 'HAMMERTIME!' whenever somebody shouts STOP. It's a sickness, I know!

---

> "OH YES OH YEAH."

DUB: That was the best track off the '1977' album! I can see screaming it out during orgasm.

Oniko: A reference to "Oh Yeah," a song on Ash's "1977" album, which was released in... 1996.

---

DAVID: But without any miners, you can't get the diamond, and then you can't buy the Runaway Five's freedom, and- [notices others staring] ...never mind.

Dragomorph: Half-assed Earthbound reference. One of the sidequests requires you to get a diamond from some miners who are having problems in their cave. Incidentally, I am between the second and the fourth best riffer in this group. ^_^

---

NNIRK: Excuse me, creepy narrator, but you've already told us you were pinned with absolutely no possibility of escape. How exactly would you manage to forfeit your life?
MAX: Simple. Bite his tongue and bleed to death.
SDR: Or use an eyelash and a fingernail.

SD: Okay, I haven't actually /read/ the story in question, but I've seen enough references that I think it's valid. SDR is referring to a Star Trek Mary Sue; I don't remember if it's original or TNG. I do remember that she was Empathic, Alien, Angsty, and committed suicide after playing matchmaker for the Captain via - you guessed it - an eyelash and a fingernail.
SD: I'll Google for the reference again eventually, I think.
Chimera: Would it be wrong of me to say that I love watching a woman Google for the reference? Mmm, yeah...
Oniko: Wow. I've heard of Internet fetishes, but this is the first *Internet* fetish I've ever seen.

---

> She tried to rationalize it again. Somebody dressed up as a vampyre to
> play a joke on her,

DAVID <Mark Kendall>: I do not look like a vampire!

Lainer: from the early Jim Carrey movie Once Bitten. After Carrey gets turned into a vampire he starts wearing all black clothing, a black trench coat, and black sunglasses. While he's going to a halloween party with his girlfirend every keeps stopping him and telling him that he has a great vampire costume, which causes him to respond with the above. It's true too, he looked more like the Terminator.

---

DUB <boy>: My life is dead, my soul is dead, my love is dead, my little cactus I bought in Arizona is dead.

Krinn: This one's mine. Taken from Don Harmon's foreward in Heavy 3P0, a Scud: the Disposable Assassin TPB.

---

DUB: Psh. Put away the Blackfire elemental before Joseph tracks you down, pussy.

Chimera: I'm again surprised nobody got this. Joseph's the hero of the crappy PS2/PC game 'Summoner', he can summon this black burning elemental guy which the fic reminded me of.

---

T.OGRE <Joe C>: Yo, kid! Tell 'em what yer name is!
BRANDT: [bolts to his feet, upsetting EON] My name is BRAAAAAAANNNNN-

Penfold: More Musica. This is the beginning to Kid Rock's "Bawidaba," or something close to it.

--

> "You telling me. I always have a chill every time he looks at me with
> those eyes. It feels like if those eyes pierced my soul."

LAINER: Kick ass! A soul labret!

Chimera: A labret is a lip piercing. I s'pose I could've also gone with a medusa piercing, but I like the word labret.

--

EON <Andrew>: I've got a feeling. A feeling I can't hide... oh, no.

Sherlock: This has to be the fourth or fifth Beatles ref that I've been able to get before anyone else. It's the song "I've Got a Feeling."

--

> I guess that means that he goes to my school.* She noticed that she was shaking
> and stopped.

THIEF <Kyra>: Yeah, that's enough thinking about Samsung in one day.

Penfold: "Samsung means 'to come.'" This was a flash that was linked to on the Ballad a couple months before we started this episode.
Viper: It was a by a Korean woman who apparently felt like Samsung came to her house and screwed her. Literally. I'm sorry I ever posted that link. T_T
Chimera: Actually, I never saw your link... so don't feel TOO responsible. Also, you better cut back on those faces before we call you Emoticoboy.

--

> "My dad always tells me that I’m just like my grandmother when she was
> twelve Erica," Kyra replied to her best friend.

BRANDT <Kyra>: Yeah, want to see the necklace she left me? That's odd, I wonder why it's pointing down the hallway.

Lainer: The resemblances between Kyra and Escaflowne's Hitmomi are made later on in the fic, but I got the first one. Huzzah. This one's refering to Hitomi's magic necklace that points in the direction of really bad events.
Editing note: I'm an idiot for not noticing this, but I should have dropped the "yeah" from that line. I thought Kyra's friend was talking...

--

> Now that brought whispers from the class. "I wonder if he’ll be able to
> speak Japanese," whispered a boy.

ROBBIE: Yes, but only in his Sailor Soldier form.

Lainer: I took this one from a stupid Sailor Moon fic that I think either Dragomorph or Meagan MSTed. If it wasn't them, then I don't have the slightest idea who did it.
Dragomorph: Doesn't sound like one I did...

--

BRANDT: That's one hell of a gaze attack.

Another editing note, and this one's obvious enough that I'm surprised that no one caught it.

Viper: ...Pokemon?
Krinn: ...D&D reference?
t.ogre: Hell, if Chimera wrote it, it's probably a Constantine or Preacher ref. Speaking of which, Chimmie, Keanu is playing John Constantine. Movie goes into production in January.
Chimera: Now now, I've restrained myself to a maximum of two of each per episode, and I didn't do ANY in this time- Wait, did you say fucking Keanu? [slits his wrists]

--

BRANDT: Because Der Kommisar's in town.
ALL <nodding sagely>: Whoa-oooh.

Chimera: Man, I disguised a LOT of music riffs as normal ones, didn't I?
t.ogre: Duh. Who didn't move this over to the music riffs page? It's "Der Kommisar" by the late Falco.
Chimera: To our fans (Hello to both of you), the guy who makes the Musica page just hits 'Find' and type in 'singing'. This has been a Behind the Scenes look at Quasispace. Don't forget to describe it to your psychiatrist.

--
> "I know I’ve sensed it before, but now I forgot where."
>
> "That’s the same with us Kyra," said Kristen.

KAO: These people must be related to Shinnosuke.

Penfold: Shinnosuke is the broom-weilding guardian of Ryugenzawa in Ranma 1/2. His memory holds information almost as well as the average net holds water.

--

LAINER <Kristen>: That's because they don't have women in America, sweetie.
THIEF: Not since O'Neill's Plague, at least.

t.ogre: C'mon! Does *anyone* else realize that Frank Herbert wrote something other than the "Dune" books? It's a reference to "The White Plague." O'Neill sets off a retributive strike after his wife and kids are killed by an IRA bomb via a gender-specific plague. Go find it at your local used bookstore and read it. NOW.

--

LAINER <Kyo>: We must search for "him."
EON <Benitora>: Yes, it could only be "him" behind this.
KAO <Yuya>: But can we really defeat "him?"
BRANDT <Sanada>: We can only hope, for if "he" rises we'll revert to Civil War.
ROBBIE: JUST FUCKING SAY HIS NAME ALREADY!
[Beat.]
LAINER <Kyo>: Yes, "he" is the cause of all this evil.
[ROBBIE seethes.]

Dragomorph: This is mocking the half-assed fansub job in the B-rated anime "Samurai Deeper Kyo," possibly the only anime set in the time of Nobunaga that STILL manages to stuff Tokyo Tower in by the last episode. Basically, for half the show, the characters refer to a "him" without telling us who "he" is, and then even when it's revealed who "he" is, they STILL freaking say "him." Shitty, shitty anime.

--
When he heard the

BRANDT: -music years before, but the man there said the music wouldn't play?

> sound,

BRANDT: I was wrong? Nng! I blame you for this! [points a finger at the entrance] Bang!

Chimera: The first bit's actually a music ref to Don McLean's "The Day the Music Died". The second bit's just Brandt getting frustrated and blaming the door to set up another, er, 'joke' I guess we could call it.
[BUZZZZ!]
Sherlock: Don McLean's song is called "American Pie." Bitch.
Chimera: Haha! I'm just too lazy to look it up. Thanks for doing my work, sucka.

--

> Her senses suddenly sensed that presence again and she quickly shot her
> head up again.

T.OGRE: Cracking it against the cabinet, stumbling into the cabinet of dolls, before finally collapsing atop the pile of life-saving junk mail.

Lainer: The junk mail might be throwing me off, but isn't this how you save the Babblefish in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy game?
Chimera: Nope. "The Kids in the Hall", this is Kevin MacDonald's tale of how junk mail saved his life (by stopping the bleeding from his head when he cracked it on a cabinet by standing up too fast). Fun guess though.

--

> Kyra quickly ran to her window and opened it.

LAINER <Clarissa>: Oh, hey Sam.
[A guitar twangs in the background.]

Lainer: From Melissa Joan Hart's first TV show, Clarissa Explains It All. Sam would always, and only, enter the scene by climbing in through Clarissa's bedroom window. It should be noted that I like this TV show far more than I really should.
t.ogre: Admit it, it's got nothin' to do with the show. It's all about Melissa Joan Hart, ain't it?

--

But it suddenly glowed

T.OGRE: -causing the Matrix-born mirror to stop working. She'd go to see Sparrow in the morning to have it repaired.

Chimera: This is a reference to David Drake's Northworld trilogy. See, these artificers in the Northworld use this sub-universe called the Matrix to craft things. A glowing magic necklace interfered with the mirror's connection to the Matrix, causing this princess chick to need to see Sparrow to get it fixed.

--

BRANDT: Aaahhh! Its the thing from the end of THE LURKING HORROR! Run for your life before it kills us all!

Krinn: Possible H.P. Lovecraft reference to either the short story "The Lurking Horror" or the movie of the same name.

--

THIEF: At which point her body launched an infant out the window at Mach 12 who grew old and crash-landed in a grave on the other side of the planet.
ROBBIE: I'm not even going to ask.

Lainer: And Robbie shouldn't have to, since he's probably seen it. Thief's refering to a british Xbox commercial.

--

> As she looked out the window at the lake, she noticed a ripple in the
> surface.

JAKE <Sanford>: Now y'all stop tossin' my wine in the lake!

Penfold: I'm assuming that this Sanford has male progeny, as in "Sanford and Son."
Chimera: Yep. See, Sanford was always drinking Ripple wine...

--

GEN: Geez, John Haloren's surfacing *again*. Doesn't anyone know how to hide a body in a lake anymore?

Lainer: Actually, the whole point of this riff was to have Jake make it; this was way before Gen's time. It's a referance to Francis Ford Coppola's first film, Dementia 13.
Penfold: ...I'm not sure I want to know...

--

CHAR <looking at the magazine>: Seems like transparent miniskirts are in, and women's rights are out. What a surprise.

Lainer: At the time I wrote that, miniskirts with transperant butts were apparently all the rage in Japan.

--

> It
> pushed its head down inside the tight denim and ran down, splitting her
> jeans open as it moved down her panties.

ICE: Well, it had to do that; to stop her from suffocating.
ONIKO: Yea. If its moment of indecisiveness had caused her to die, then it could never have lived with itself.

Lainer: Yeah, okay, I'm never going to live this one down. This is a referance to the hentai game Nocturnal Illusion. At one point the main character gets attacked by one of his housemates wearing a suit of evil armor. He stops her, but after geting the armor off he finds that she's unconcous. He then removes all of her clothing except her panties under the pretense that they might be preventing her from breathing, but that still doesn't solve anything. If you then choose not to remove her panties, you get text similar to the above. For the record I heard about the game from Sharkey (http://www.solidsharkey.com/nocturnal.html) and SA (http://somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=466); I've actually never played a Hentai game.
Dragomorph: Suuuure you haven't.
Viper: I have. ^_______^

--

> She cried out and tossed, her eyes closed and face
> flushed, as the three serpent-heads sucked her breasts

GEN: -trying very hard to ignore the fact that Lord Tyler was taking up most of the room.

Chimera: In Heavy Metal 2000, evildoer Tyler sucks on heroine Julie's breasts. It stuck with me because it's the only sex scene in a movie which should've been overflowing with them.

--

> one stretching inside her body from
> that one spot within her,

GEN: -also known as the biological thermonuclear bomb that the alien race hid in her clone body.

Penfold: Is the the "Jean Bomb" (that ain't a typo) from Uncanny X-Men?
Chimera: Nope. It's a reference to 'Imposter', a seemingly unknown film with Gary Sinese about a government gone (understandably) mad with paranoia trying to find bio-nukes that aliens hid in artificial humans.
t.ogre: Holy crap. I thought I was the only person that had ever seen that movie.
Chimera: It's like we're twins seperated at birth. Except for the differences in age and racial background and all.

--

> and she shrieked as a long serpent thrust up
> between her legs and parted the lips of her vagina.

ONIKO: However, there was already a Remington water-pistol pressed in there by a Dare the lesbian assassin.

Chimera: Dare's from a couple Eric Van Lustbader books, there was one scene where she had sex with another woman using the previously mentioned toy. By the way, she's an assassin who's also a lesbian, not an assassin OF lesbians.

--

ONIKO: If you don't kill him with the one correct object in the game within five turns, he'll keep getting angrier and angrier until he'll appear to calm down only to rip you to shreds with his oversized teeth. [nods sagely]

--

JAKE <Jessica Fletcher>: I don't know about the rest of the world, but Cabot Cove has been quiet lately.

Penfold: From "Murder, She Wrote." If you visited Cabot Cove, Maine, it was to kill someone. If not, you were either the victim or framed for the murder.

--

CHAR: ...then came the Night Wraith brigade and then they overwhelmed the moon frogs and then the Yellow Priest knew he was fucked.

Krinn. Another Lovecraft reference, this time to "The Dream Quest of Unknown Kadath". BTW, it's not 'Night Wraith', it's 'nightgaunt'.

--

Drago addition: Because I believe in giving credit where it's due, and because I'm a smug little bunnydragon:

SDR <Vampyre>: I'm a VAMPYRE!
NNIRK <Abby>: No, I'm a mage, and you're a BOX.

Drago: This is about as obscure as I get. While on the surface, it's a basic Vampire ref, it's actually a reference to a very, VERY specific event. A friend of a friend of mine apparently was at a hotel one night where a Vampire: The Masquerade LARP was taking place. While in the bathroom, some foolish person assumed he was part of the game as well and walked up to him, stating, "I'm a VAMPIRE!" My friend's friend, aware of the game in question, replied, "No, I'm a mage, and you're a box." Even went to the GM and informed him of this, so for the rest of the night the poor sod was a box. Har har.

Posted on Nov 5, 2003, 10:07 PM
from IP address 24.195.121.126

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Obscurity tracks. Two, three days old.

by (no login)

VIPER: I'd like to introduce the President, the President's husband, and her mistress.

Dragomorph: Oy vey, this is hard to explain... I don't know a DANG thing about the movie this is from. I just remember hearing a snippet of it in a commercial
for what I THINK is a movie channel, or something in England. It's actually bastardized to fit the situation. Anybody know? I think it's a National Lampoon
film, or something.

---

DRAGO <Aladdin>: Good teens take off their clothes!

Lainer: I don't know, on the one hand, some people might not get it. On the other hand, if you *haven't* heard of it, you probably haven't been on the internet
long enough.
Sherlock: Really, Lainer. Give them the horrid details. It's basically an Aladdin thing. There was some controversy as to what he was saying in that scene
where Aladdin visits the princess outside her room, and the tiger comes at him. In place of the original line, some people thought the above line could
be heard with a different voice. Never heard it myself. Check the Urban Legends Reference Page.

---
> Jasmine hung her head low ignoring the bidding war, she did not even
> look to see her new master.

ZANDAR <Papa Lazarou>: Your my wife, now.
M: Mozanrath?

Dragomorph: Don't know much 'bout the former, but Mozanrath was a villain from the TV version of Aladdin, and quite possibly the only example of a Disney
villain who can honestly be described as "bish." Incidentally, that's the wrong "your," damnit.

---
> He has been trying to
> find the secret to imortality.

COSMOS <Ally>: Why doesn't he just use cinnabar, mercury and arsenic?
M <Bob>: He says it disagrees with his stomach.

Dragomorph: Bwa ha. You can TELL I wrote this riff during my Asian History class. Cinnabar, mercury and arsenic is the Daoist formula for immortality. Not
that it WORKED, of course...

---

M: No, that's a fake dick. *That's* a wrap.
[M points to a mass of fruit salad held together with Glad Wrap, marching around
the tank. It holds a sign reading, "Get the fuck off my house. Bitch."]

Viper: This? Oh, this! This is just one of my mind pukes. Dismiss with a chuckle. ^_^

---
> "Actually we are here for information, we wanna know where we can find
> Francis Newman Stien." Kaitlin said.

ZANDAR <Asuka>: STIEN!

---

ZANDAR <mob>: Learn to read, motherfucker!
M <Ally>: No, I-
ZANDAR <mob>: I said learn to read! [mimes beating M with a bat]
M <Ally>: I can't- OH GOD!

Chimera: From the www.sixsixfive.com website, a new take on the 'fight against illiteracy' programs.

---

DRAGO <Dave>: And if that stream should become a rushing torrent, a raging cataract, why I shall ford that womanly river...

Chimera: From 'The Kids in the Hall'... Dave talks about how he's the Guy Who's Okay About Menstration, and goes on in exhaustive detail about how he can
handle even the heaviest flows.

---

> Ally gets three more wishes!

DRAGO <Ally>: How about... a beer mug that never runs out of beer?
M <genie>: Your wish is my command.
[DRAGO mimes picking up and drinking a beer mug]
DRAGO <Ally>: Hmm, this is pretty good. How about two more of these?

Lainer: I'm not sure if this counts as obscure, but I'm going to tell you about it anyways. FOX's children's programing segment used to have a quartly magazine
that was sent to subscibers, and they'd have some sort of original comic based on whatever shows were on at that time. Well, in one issue they had a comic
for Mad Jack the Pirate where Jack and his first mate Snuk were trapped in the middle of a desert. Snuk found a genie's bottle, and the above situation
took place. Needless to say, Jack looked about ready to turn Snuk into two half Snuks after the end of the comic.

---

> Far from camp, in the cold desert night the ghost of the bare wench
> dropped cheryl on the cold rocky ground.

M <ghost>: Crap! Ran out of Pathos. Now where did I leave that Fetter...?

Chimera: What, nobody's played White Wolf's 'Wraith'? In it, you play ghosts, who have Pathos instead of Bloodpool or Rage, they get it from 'Fetters'...
objects, places, or people who tie the ghost to the mortal world.

---

DRAGO <professor Schwarr, the root beer drinking man>: Now, Mr. Johnson, if we could discuss those punch cards...

Lysander: Oy. This one's kind of reaching. Its a refference to "Kirby House: the X-child," a text adventure/Interactive Fiction game by Jesse Berneko. The whole thing is basically a big parody on X-files by putting it in a college atmosphere. For example, the cigarette-smoking man becomes Professor Schwar the root beer drinking man. He walks around with two people dressed in suits and sunglasses and basically looking like Matrix agents and forces you to drink drugged root beers. Kinda silly.

---

> in the phoenix sub-urbs...

SDR: Tenchi was hitting on Athena, Sephiroth was working off his community service, and Aki was angsting... *again*.

Lainer: yeah, okay, I'm sorry. I know the thing about injokes, but it just seemed to fit. There's this MUX that I used to frequent called phoenix where
all the characters are from either anime or video games. Needless to say, interesting situations arose.

---

> meanwhile back in the living room...

NNIRK <southern accent>: Operator? Get me room 321, please.

Oniko: Ray Stevens reference. The song "Shriner's Convention" features Bubba trying to contact Coy in said room, and he says that to the operator.

---

DAVID: Maybe I should've just shouted 'HAMMER TIME!'
DUB: ...no. No, you shouldn't. Ever.

Penfold: A reference to MC Hammer that should probably go in the Riffola Musica section. I'll have to agree with dub's response, by the way.
Chimera: Sadly I feel COMPELLED to shout 'HAMMERTIME!' whenever somebody shouts STOP. It's a sickness, I know!

---

> "OH YES OH YEAH."

DUB: That was the best track off the '1977' album! I can see screaming it out during orgasm.

Oniko: A reference to "Oh Yeah," a song on Ash's "1977" album, which was released in... 1996.

---

DAVID: But without any miners, you can't get the diamond, and then you can't buy the Runaway Five's freedom, and- [notices others staring] ...never mind.

Dragomorph: Half-assed Earthbound reference. One of the sidequests requires you to get a diamond from some miners who are having problems in their cave.
Incidentally, I am between the second and the fourth best riffer in this group. ^_^

---

NNIRK: Excuse me, creepy narrator, but you've already told us you were pinned with absolutely no possibility of escape. How exactly would you manage to
forfeit your life?
MAX: Simple. Bite his tongue and bleed to death.
SDR: Or use an eyelash and a fingernail.

SD: Okay, I haven't actually /read/ the story in question, but I've seen enough references that I think it's valid. SDR is referring to a Star Trek Mary
Sue; I don't remember if it's original or TNG. I do remember that she was Empathic, Alien, Angsty, and committed suicide after playing matchmaker for the
Captain via - you guessed it - an eyelash and a fingernail.
SD: I'll Google for the reference again eventually, I think.
Chimera: Would it be wrong of me to say that I love watching a woman Google for the reference? Mmm, yeah...
Oniko: Wow. I've heard of Internet fetishes, but this is the first *Internet* fetish I've ever seen.

---

> She tried to rationalize it again. Somebody dressed up as a vampyre to
> play a joke on her,

DAVID <Mark Kendall>: I do not look like a vampire!

Lainer: from the early Jim Carrey movie Once Bitten. After Carrey gets turned into a vampire he starts wearing all black clothing, a black trench coat,
and black sunglasses. While he's going to a halloween party with his girlfirend every keeps stopping him and telling him that he has a great vampire costume,
which causes him to respond with the above. It's true too, he looked more like the Terminator.

---

DUB <boy>: My life is dead, my soul is dead, my love is dead, my little cactus I bought in Arizona is dead.

Krinn: This one's mine. Taken from Don Harmon's foreward in Heavy 3P0, a Scud: the Disposable Assassin TPB.

---

DUB: Psh. Put away the Blackfire elemental before Joseph tracks you down, pussy.

Chimera: I'm again surprised nobody got this. Joseph's the hero of the crappy PS2/PC game 'Summoner', he can summon this black burning elemental guy which
the fic reminded me of.

---

T.OGRE <Joe C>: Yo, kid! Tell 'em what yer name is!
BRANDT: [bolts to his feet, upsetting EON] My name is BRAAAAAAANNNNN-

Penfold: More Musica. This is the beginning to Kid Rock's "Bawidaba," or something close to it.

--

> "You telling me. I always have a chill every time he looks at me with
> those eyes. It feels like if those eyes pierced my soul."

LAINER: Kick ass! A soul labret!

Chimera: A labret is a lip piercing. I s'pose I could've also gone with a medusa piercing, but I like the word labret.
Lysander <Hobbs>: I like the word labret. Labret labret labret labret labret labret labret labret. <normal> ...Are we gonna have to make an obscure riffs page for the obscure riffs page? Jesus Christ I hope not.

--

EON <Andrew>: I've got a feeling. A feeling I can't hide... oh, no.

Sherlock: This has to be the fourth or fifth Beatles ref that I've been able to get before anyone else. It's the song "I've Got a Feeling."

--

> I guess that means that he goes to my school.* She noticed that she was shaking
> and stopped.

THIEF <Kyra>: Yeah, that's enough thinking about Samsung in one day.

Penfold: "Samsung means 'to come.'" This was a flash that was linked to on the Ballad a couple months before we started this episode.
Viper: It was a by a Korean woman who apparently felt like Samsung came to her house and screwed her. Literally. I'm sorry I ever posted that link. T_T
Chimera: Actually, I never saw your link... so don't feel TOO responsible. Also, you better cut back on those faces before we call you Emoticoboy.
Lysander: stfu roflmaoomgwtf^________________^;;;; :)(F)(A)
Okay, I'm done now. Are you proud, you bastard?

--

> "My dad always tells me that I’m just like my grandmother when she was
> twelve Erica," Kyra replied to her best friend.

BRANDT <Kyra>: Yeah, want to see the necklace she left me? That's odd, I wonder why it's pointing down the hallway.

Lainer: The resemblances between Kyra and Escaflowne's Hitmomi are made later on in the fic, but I got the first one. Huzzah. This one's refering to Hitomi's
magic necklace that points in the direction of really bad events.
Editing note: I'm an idiot for not noticing this, but I should have dropped the "yeah" from that line. I thought Kyra's friend was talking...

--

> Now that brought whispers from the class. "I wonder if he’ll be able to
> speak Japanese," whispered a boy.

ROBBIE: Yes, but only in his Sailor Soldier form.

Lainer: I took this one from a stupid Sailor Moon fic that I think either Dragomorph or Meagan MSTed. If it wasn't them, then I don't have the slightest
idea who did it.
Dragomorph: Doesn't sound like one I did...

--

BRANDT: That's one hell of a gaze attack.

Another editing note, and this one's obvious enough that I'm surprised that no one caught it.

Viper: ...Pokemon?
Krinn: ...D&D reference?
t.ogre: Hell, if Chimera wrote it, it's probably a Constantine or Preacher ref. Speaking of which, Chimmie, Keanu is playing John Constantine. Movie goes
into production in January.
Chimera: Now now, I've restrained myself to a maximum of two of each per episode, and I didn't do ANY in this time- Wait, did you say fucking Keanu? [slits
his wrists]

--

BRANDT: Because Der Kommisar's in town.
ALL <nodding sagely>: Whoa-oooh.

Chimera: Man, I disguised a LOT of music riffs as normal ones, didn't I?
t.ogre: Duh. Who didn't move this over to the music riffs page? It's "Der Kommisar" by the late Falco.
Chimera: To our fans (Hello to both of you), the guy who makes the Musica page just hits 'Find' and type in 'singing'. This has been a Behind the Scenes
look at Quasispace. Don't forget to describe it to your psychiatrist.

--
> "I know I’ve sensed it before, but now I forgot where."
>
> "That’s the same with us Kyra," said Kristen.

KAO: These people must be related to Shinnosuke.

Penfold: Shinnosuke is the broom-weilding guardian of Ryugenzawa in Ranma 1/2. His memory holds information almost as well as the average net holds water.

--

LAINER <Kristen>: That's because they don't have women in America, sweetie.
THIEF: Not since O'Neill's Plague, at least.

t.ogre: C'mon! Does *anyone* else realize that Frank Herbert wrote something other than the "Dune" books? It's a reference to "The White Plague." O'Neill
sets off a retributive strike after his wife and kids are killed by an IRA bomb via a gender-specific plague. Go find it at your local used bookstore and
read it. NOW.

--

LAINER <Kyo>: We must search for "him."
EON <Benitora>: Yes, it could only be "him" behind this.
KAO <Yuya>: But can we really defeat "him?"
BRANDT <Sanada>: We can only hope, for if "he" rises we'll revert to Civil War.
ROBBIE: JUST FUCKING SAY HIS NAME ALREADY!
[Beat.]
LAINER <Kyo>: Yes, "he" is the cause of all this evil.
[ROBBIE seethes.]

Dragomorph: This is mocking the half-assed fansub job in the B-rated anime "Samurai Deeper Kyo," possibly the only anime set in the time of Nobunaga that
STILL manages to stuff Tokyo Tower in by the last episode. Basically, for half the show, the characters refer to a "him" without telling us who "he" is,
and then even when it's revealed who "he" is, they STILL freaking say "him." Shitty, shitty anime.

--
When he heard the

BRANDT: -music years before, but the man there said the music wouldn't play?

> sound,

BRANDT: I was wrong? Nng! I blame you for this! [points a finger at the entrance] Bang!

Chimera: The first bit's actually a music ref to Don McLean's "The Day the Music Died". The second bit's just Brandt getting frustrated and blaming the
door to set up another, er, 'joke' I guess we could call it.
[BUZZZZ!]
Sherlock: Don McLean's song is called "American Pie." Bitch.
Chimera: Haha! I'm just too lazy to look it up. Thanks for doing my work, sucka.

--

> Her senses suddenly sensed that presence again and she quickly shot her
> head up again.

T.OGRE: Cracking it against the cabinet, stumbling into the cabinet of dolls, before finally collapsing atop the pile of life-saving junk mail.

Lainer: The junk mail might be throwing me off, but isn't this how you save the Babblefish in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy game?
Chimera: Nope. "The Kids in the Hall", this is Kevin MacDonald's tale of how junk mail saved his life (by stopping the bleeding from his head when he cracked
it on a cabinet by standing up too fast). Fun guess though.
Lysander: And for the record, our local text adventure guru here would just like to take a moment and say that the way to solve teh bablefish puzzle is to: hang your gown on the hook (thus making you naked in front of the Vogans, Ford, later Zafod and Trillian, etc., etc., but never mind those glitches; this is the '80s), stop the drain with something I can't remember (damnit, damnit, sonofabitch), block the robot pannel with Ford's satchel, and put the junkmail which you had better have picked up at the beginning of the game or you're screwed on top of the satchel. This has been another... amazing fact!

--

> Kyra quickly ran to her window and opened it.

LAINER <Clarissa>: Oh, hey Sam.
[A guitar twangs in the background.]

Lainer: From Melissa Joan Hart's first TV show, Clarissa Explains It All. Sam would always, and only, enter the scene by climbing in through Clarissa's
bedroom window. It should be noted that I like this TV show far more than I really should.
t.ogre: Admit it, it's got nothin' to do with the show. It's all about Melissa Joan Hart, ain't it?

--

But it suddenly glowed

T.OGRE: -causing the Matrix-born mirror to stop working. She'd go to see Sparrow in the morning to have it repaired.

Chimera: This is a reference to David Drake's Northworld trilogy. See, these artificers in the Northworld use this sub-universe called the Matrix to craft
things. A glowing magic necklace interfered with the mirror's connection to the Matrix, causing this princess chick to need to see Sparrow to get it fixed.

--

BRANDT: Aaahhh! Its the thing from the end of THE LURKING HORROR! Run for your life before it kills us all!

Krinn: Possible H.P. Lovecraft reference to either the short story "The Lurking Horror" or the movie of the same name.
Lysander: Actually, its to the (surprise, surprise) Infocom Interactive Fiction game. It may be just a IF-translation of the book to IF, I don't know, because I haen't read it, but its entirely possible since that was Infocom's one and only forae into the world of horror. Aaanyway, at the end of it you have this showdown-type thing with a huge mass of Evil (TM) that has tentacles. Its (somehow) plugged itself into the college's (which is where the "story" takes place) network, and is using the internet to spread its lies and decpetion of EVIL! (I *knew* it! The Gater corporation is really just a congealed blob! Now where'd I put that reworked copy of MS Blast?) You end up "beating" it by sticking the frayed end of an electrical chord into the knee-high water, electrocuting the thing to death. (you've got boots on.) The mass then promptly morphs into this weird huge bird-thing with a lot of very big teeth, which you "defeat" by throwing this red-hot stone at it. Then you pick up the stone and it cracks open, a miniature version of the thing you just killed flitting out and flying away. That's the end. No, I'm not goddamn happy with it either.

--

THIEF: At which point her body launched an infant out the window at Mach 12 who grew old and crash-landed in a grave on the other side of the planet.
ROBBIE: I'm not even going to ask.

Lainer: And Robbie shouldn't have to, since he's probably seen it. Thief's refering to a british Xbox commercial.

--

> As she looked out the window at the lake, she noticed a ripple in the
> surface.

JAKE <Sanford>: Now y'all stop tossin' my wine in the lake!

Penfold: I'm assuming that this Sanford has male progeny, as in "Sanford and Son."
Chimera: Yep. See, Sanford was always drinking Ripple wine...

--

GEN: Geez, John Haloren's surfacing *again*. Doesn't anyone know how to hide a body in a lake anymore?

Lainer: Actually, the whole point of this riff was to have Jake make it; this was way before Gen's time. It's a referance to Francis Ford Coppola's first
film, Dementia 13.
Penfold: ...I'm not sure I want to know...

--

CHAR <looking at the magazine>: Seems like transparent miniskirts are in, and women's rights are out. What a surprise.

Lainer: At the time I wrote that, miniskirts with transperant butts were apparently all the rage in Japan.

--

> It
> pushed its head down inside the tight denim and ran down, splitting her
> jeans open as it moved down her panties.

ICE: Well, it had to do that; to stop her from suffocating.
ONIKO: Yea. If its moment of indecisiveness had caused her to die, then it could never have lived with itself.

Lainer: Yeah, okay, I'm never going to live this one down. This is a referance to the hentai game Nocturnal Illusion. At one point the main character gets
attacked by one of his housemates wearing a suit of evil armor. He stops her, but after geting the armor off he finds that she's unconcous. He then removes
all of her clothing except her panties under the pretense that they might be preventing her from breathing, but that still doesn't solve anything. If you
then choose not to remove her panties, you get text similar to the above. For the record I heard about the game from Sharkey (http://www.solidsharkey.com/nocturnal.html)
and SA (http://somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=466); I've actually never played a Hentai game.
Dragomorph: Suuuure you haven't.
Viper: I have. ^_______^

--

> She cried out and tossed, her eyes closed and face
> flushed, as the three serpent-heads sucked her breasts

GEN: -trying very hard to ignore the fact that Lord Tyler was taking up most of the room.

Chimera: In Heavy Metal 2000, evildoer Tyler sucks on heroine Julie's breasts. It stuck with me because it's the only sex scene in a movie which should've
been overflowing with them.

--

> one stretching inside her body from
> that one spot within her,

GEN: -also known as the biological thermonuclear bomb that the alien race hid in her clone body.

Penfold: Is the the "Jean Bomb" (that ain't a typo) from Uncanny X-Men?
Chimera: Nope. It's a reference to 'Imposter', a seemingly unknown film with Gary Sinese about a government gone (understandably) mad with paranoia trying
to find bio-nukes that aliens hid in artificial humans.
t.ogre: Holy crap. I thought I was the only person that had ever seen that movie.
Chimera: It's like we're twins seperated at birth. Except for the differences in age and racial background and all.
Lysander: Don't worry about it. Just forget the incident ever happened. The computer is your friend.

--

> and she shrieked as a long serpent thrust up
> between her legs and parted the lips of her vagina.

ONIKO: However, there was already a Remington water-pistol pressed in there by a Dare the lesbian assassin.

Chimera: Dare's from a couple Eric Van Lustbader books, there was one scene where she had sex with another woman using the previously mentioned toy. By
the way, she's an assassin who's also a lesbian, not an assassin OF lesbians.

--

ONIKO: If you don't kill him with the one correct object in the game within five turns, he'll keep getting angrier and angrier until he'll appear to calm
down only to rip you to shreds with his oversized teeth. [nods sagely]

Lysander: Goddamnit. I have to stop doing this. See, this is a refference to the (horribly clunky) Adventure Game Toolkit game system for creating text adventures which reached a level of semi-popularity in the late '80s and early '90s. The earlier versions were meant mostly for fantasy-type games, and had several default responses cued in in an attempt to make the game creation itself as uncomplex as possible. One of them was the NPC-creation section. You could create the NPC's name, the description of the NPC in the room description (Bart is standing here), a description of the NPC for when you type "What now? Examine Bart" ("Bart is 5-foot 6 inches tall and has a rather fat gut. A small pistol is tucked into his wasteband." (typing "What now? examine pistol" at this point will earn you a "you see nothing special"; anything else will earn you "I don't understand the word "pistol", unless of course the person actually programmed in that particular object, in which case the pistol comment will be on a separate line to alert you of this, or there is a different pistol somewhere else in the game, in which case the game will respond with "I see no pistol here." But anyway.)), responses to being pushed, pulled or touched, talked to ("What now? talk to Bart"), responses to being asked about objects, responses to being asked about specific objects, and a "friendly/hostile" flag. If the flag is set to hostile, you then have to set how many turns you have in the room before he will attack, and what object you use to kill him with. The problem here is that you have to give only one object; you can't give more than one, which means that although the basterd sword *could* slay both the ogre and the kobalt, only the bastard sword will slay the ogre or the kobalt; if you tried, say, shooting the kobalt with a crossbow, you could stand there all day shooting at it and it JUST WOULDN'tT DIE. Additionally, the way it dealt with hostile creatures was always the same: it would block you from leaving (how, you ask? Don't ask, gentle reader.), say "The hungry, sex-crazed tentacle demon in the corner is getting angrier!" each time you do something and the timer hasn't run out for it to attack, then as your death message say that "The hungry, sex-crazed tentacle demon in the corner seems to calm down for a moment, then suddenly attacks! The hungry, sex-crazed tentacle demon in the corner's moth opens, revealing rows of incredibly sharp teeth that look too big to fit in its mouth, a fact which you become incredibly aware of as those same teeth bite you into many many pieces!" Sadly, however, this exact same message would play even if what was attacking was, say, Bart, or a Firby, or a curtain of sencient slime... you get the idea. For added fun, whenever you attack, you have to either throw the offending object at the thing or shoot him with it, and the person or thing always wrythes around before disappearing in a cloud of thick green smoke, which nicely does away with having to deal with dead body objects. This resulted in such golden comedy moments as attempting to give the puse bottle to the naive of hearts before he bites you into a million tiny pieces, resulting in throwing it at him and making him disappear in a cloud of smoke. Uh huh.

--

JAKE <Jessica Fletcher>: I don't know about the rest of the world, but Cabot Cove has been quiet lately.

Penfold: From "Murder, She Wrote." If you visited Cabot Cove, Maine, it was to kill someone. If not, you were either the victim or framed for the murder.
Lysander: Fuck *that* place, man. I'm moving to Pleasantville.

--

CHAR: ...then came the Night Wraith brigade and then they overwhelmed the moon frogs and then the Yellow Priest knew he was fucked.

Krinn. Another Lovecraft reference, this time to "The Dream Quest of Unknown Kadath". BTW, it's not 'Night Wraith', it's 'nightgaunt'.

--

Drago addition: Because I believe in giving credit where it's due, and because I'm a smug little bunnydragon:

SDR <Vampyre>: I'm a VAMPYRE!
NNIRK <Abby>: No, I'm a mage, and you're a BOX.

Drago: This is about as obscure as I get. While on the surface, it's a basic Vampire ref, it's actually a reference to a very, VERY specific event. A friend
of a friend of mine apparently was at a hotel one night where a Vampire: The Masquerade LARP was taking place. While in the bathroom, some foolish person
assumed he was part of the game as well and walked up to him, stating, "I'm a VAMPIRE!" My friend's friend, aware of the game in question, replied, "No,
I'm a mage, and you're a box." Even went to the GM and informed him of this, so for the rest of the night the poor sod was a box. Har har.

Posted on Nov 7, 2003, 8:24 PM
from IP address 208.151.120.73

Respond to this message

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Fixing a few things here.

by Cosmos (no login)

VIPER: I'd like to introduce the President, the President's husband, and her mistress.

Dragomorph: Oy vey, this is hard to explain... I don't know a DANG thing about the movie this is from. I just remember hearing a snippet of it in a commercial
for what I THINK is a movie channel, or something in England. It's actually bastardized to fit the situation. Anybody know? I think it's a National Lampoon
film, or something.

---

DRAGO <Aladdin>: Good teens take off their clothes!

Lainer: I don't know, on the one hand, some people might not get it. On the other hand, if you *haven't* heard of it, you probably haven't been on the internet
long enough.
Sherlock: Really, Lainer. Give them the horrid details. It's basically an Aladdin thing. There was some controversy as to what he was saying in that scene
where Aladdin visits the princess outside her room, and the tiger comes at him. In place of the original line, some people thought the above line could
be heard with a different voice. Never heard it myself. Check the Urban Legends Reference Page.

---
> Jasmine hung her head low ignoring the bidding war, she did not even
> look to see her new master.

ZANDAR <Papa Lazarou>: You're my wife, now.
M: Mozanrath?

Dragomorph: Don't know much 'bout the former, but Mozanrath was a villain from the TV version of Aladdin, and quite possibly the only example of a Disney
villain who can honestly be described as "bish."

---
> He has been trying to
> find the secret to imortality.

COSMOS <Ally>: Why doesn't he just use cinnabar, mercury and arsenic?
M <Bob>: He says it disagrees with his stomach.

Dragomorph: Bwa ha. You can TELL I wrote this riff during my Asian History class. Cinnabar, mercury and arsenic is the Daoist formula for immortality. Not
that it WORKED, of course...

---

M: No, that's a fake dick. *That's* a wrap.
[M points to a mass of fruit salad held together with Glad Wrap, marching around
the tank. It holds a sign reading, "Get the fuck off my house. Bitch."]

Viper: This? Oh, this! This is just one of my mind pukes. Dismiss with a chuckle. ^_^

---
> "Actually we are here for information, we wanna know where we can find
> Francis Newman Stien." Kaitlin said.

ZANDAR <Asuka>: STIEN!

---

ZANDAR <mob>: Learn to read, motherfucker!
M <Ally>: No, I-
ZANDAR <mob>: I said learn to read! [mimes beating M with a bat]
M <Ally>: I can't- OH GOD!

Chimera: From the www.sixsixfive.com website, a new take on the 'fight against illiteracy' programs.

---

DRAGO <Dave>: And if that stream should become a rushing torrent, a raging cataract, why I shall ford that womanly river...

Chimera: From 'The Kids in the Hall'... Dave talks about how he's the Guy Who's Okay About Menstration, and goes on in exhaustive detail about how he can
handle even the heaviest flows.

---

> Ally gets three more wishes!

DRAGO <Ally>: How about... a beer mug that never runs out of beer?
M <genie>: Your wish is my command.
[DRAGO mimes picking up and drinking a beer mug]
DRAGO <Ally>: Hmm, this is pretty good. How about two more of these?

Lainer: I'm not sure if this counts as obscure, but I'm going to tell you about it anyways. FOX's children's programing segment used to have a quartly magazine
that was sent to subscibers, and they'd have some sort of original comic based on whatever shows were on at that time. Well, in one issue they had a comic
for Mad Jack the Pirate where Jack and his first mate Snuk were trapped in the middle of a desert. Snuk found a genie's bottle, and the above situation
took place. Needless to say, Jack looked about ready to turn Snuk into two half Snuks after the end of the comic.

---

> Far from camp, in the cold desert night the ghost of the bare wench
> dropped cheryl on the cold rocky ground.

M <ghost>: Crap! Ran out of Pathos. Now where did I leave that Fetter...?

Chimera: What, nobody's played White Wolf's 'Wraith'? In it, you play ghosts, who have Pathos instead of Bloodpool or Rage, they get it from 'Fetters'...
objects, places, or people who tie the ghost to the mortal world.
Cosmos: I find it disturbing that I know this and I haven't played the damn game.

---

DRAGO <professor Schwarr, the root beer drinking man>: Now, Mr. Johnson, if we could discuss those punch cards...

Lysander: Oy. This one's kind of reaching. Its a refference to "Kirby House: the X-child," a text adventure/Interactive Fiction game by Jesse Berneko. The whole thing is basically a big parody on X-files by putting it in a college atmosphere. For example, the cigarette-smoking man becomes Professor Schwar the root beer drinking man. He walks around with two people dressed in suits and sunglasses and basically looking like Matrix agents and forces you to drink drugged root beers. Kinda silly.

---

> in the phoenix sub-urbs...

SDR: Tenchi was hitting on Athena, Sephiroth was working off his community service, and Aki was angsting... *again*.

Lainer: yeah, okay, I'm sorry. I know the thing about injokes, but it just seemed to fit. There's this MUX that I used to frequent called phoenix where
all the characters are from either anime or video games. Needless to say, interesting situations arose.

---

> meanwhile back in the living room...

NNIRK <southern accent>: Operator? Get me room 321, please.

Oniko: Ray Stevens reference. The song "Shriner's Convention" features Bubba trying to contact Coy in said room, and he says that to the operator.

---

DAVID: Maybe I should've just shouted 'HAMMER TIME!'
DUB: ...no. No, you shouldn't. Ever.

Penfold: A reference to MC Hammer that should probably go in the Riffola Musica section. I'll have to agree with dub's response, by the way.
Chimera: Sadly I feel COMPELLED to shout 'HAMMERTIME!' whenever somebody shouts STOP. It's a sickness, I know!

---

> "OH YES OH YEAH."

DUB: That was the best track off the '1977' album! I can see screaming it out during orgasm.

Oniko: A reference to "Oh Yeah," a song on Ash's "1977" album, which was released in... 1996.

---

DAVID: But without any miners, you can't get the diamond, and then you can't buy the Runaway Five's freedom, and- [notices others staring] ...never mind.

Dragomorph: Half-assed Earthbound reference. One of the sidequests requires you to get a diamond from some miners who are having problems in their cave.
Incidentally, I am between the second and the fourth best riffer in this group. ^_^

---

NNIRK: Excuse me, creepy narrator, but you've already told us you were pinned with absolutely no possibility of escape. How exactly would you manage to
forfeit your life?
MAX: Simple. Bite his tongue and bleed to death.
SDR: Or use an eyelash and a fingernail.

SD: Okay, I haven't actually /read/ the story in question, but I've seen enough references that I think it's valid. SDR is referring to a Star Trek Mary
Sue; I don't remember if it's original or TNG. I do remember that she was Empathic, Alien, Angsty, and committed suicide after playing matchmaker for the
Captain via - you guessed it - an eyelash and a fingernail.
SD: I'll Google for the reference again eventually, I think.
Chimera: Would it be wrong of me to say that I love watching a woman Google for the reference? Mmm, yeah...
Oniko: Wow. I've heard of Internet fetishes, but this is the first *Internet* fetish I've ever seen.
Cosmos: That's our Chimera for you.

---

> She tried to rationalize it again. Somebody dressed up as a vampyre to
> play a joke on her,

DAVID <Mark Kendall>: I do not look like a vampire!

Lainer: from the early Jim Carrey movie Once Bitten. After Carrey gets turned into a vampire he starts wearing all black clothing, a black trench coat,
and black sunglasses. While he's going to a halloween party with his girlfirend every keeps stopping him and telling him that he has a great vampire costume,
which causes him to respond with the above. It's true too, he looked more like the Terminator.

---

DUB <boy>: My life is dead, my soul is dead, my love is dead, my little cactus I bought in Arizona is dead.

Krinn: This one's mine. Taken from Don Harmon's foreward in Heavy 3P0, a Scud: the Disposable Assassin TPB.

---

DUB: Psh. Put away the Blackfire elemental before Joseph tracks you down, pussy.

Chimera: I'm again surprised nobody got this. Joseph's the hero of the crappy PS2/PC game 'Summoner', he can summon this black burning elemental guy which
the fic reminded me of.

---

T.OGRE <Joe C>: Yo, kid! Tell 'em what yer name is!
BRANDT: [bolts to his feet, upsetting EON] My name is BRAAAAAAANNNNN-

Penfold: More Musica. This is the beginning to Kid Rock's "Bawidaba," or something close to it.

--

> "You telling me. I always have a chill every time he looks at me with
> those eyes. It feels like if those eyes pierced my soul."

LAINER: Kick ass! A soul labret!

Chimera: A labret is a lip piercing. I s'pose I could've also gone with a medusa piercing, but I like the word labret.
Lysander <Hobbs>: I like the word labret. Labret labret labret labret labret labret labret labret. <normal> ...Are we gonna have to make an obscure riffs page for the obscure riffs page? Jesus Christ I hope not.

--

EON <Andrew>: I've got a feeling. A feeling I can't hide... oh, no.

Sherlock: This has to be the fourth or fifth Beatles ref that I've been able to get before anyone else. It's the song "I've Got a Feeling."

--

> I guess that means that he goes to my school.* She noticed that she was shaking
> and stopped.

THIEF <Kyra>: Yeah, that's enough thinking about Samsung in one day.

Penfold: "Samsung means 'to come.'" This was a flash that was linked to on the Ballad a couple months before we started this episode.
Viper: It was a by a Korean woman who apparently felt like Samsung came to her house and screwed her. Literally. I'm sorry I ever posted that link. T_T
Chimera: Actually, I never saw your link... so don't feel TOO responsible. Also, you better cut back on those faces before we call you Emoticoboy.
Lysander: stfu roflmaoomgwtf^________________^;;;; :)(F)(A)
Okay, I'm done now. Are you proud, you bastard?

--

> "My dad always tells me that I’m just like my grandmother when she was
> twelve Erica," Kyra replied to her best friend.

BRANDT <Kyra>: Want to see the necklace she left me? That's odd, I wonder why it's pointing down the hallway.

Lainer: The resemblances between Kyra and Escaflowne's Hitmomi are made later on in the fic, but I got the first one. Huzzah. This one's refering to Hitomi's
magic necklace that points in the direction of really bad events.

--

> Now that brought whispers from the class. "I wonder if he’ll be able to
> speak Japanese," whispered a boy.

ROBBIE: Yes, but only in his Sailor Soldier form.

Lainer: I took this one from a stupid Sailor Moon fic that I think either Dragomorph or Meagan MSTed. If it wasn't them, then I don't have the slightest idea who did it.
Dragomorph: Doesn't sound like one I did...

--

BRANDT: That's one hell of a gaze attack.

Another editing note, and this one's obvious enough that I'm surprised that no one caught it.

Viper: ...Pokemon?
Krinn: ...D&D reference?
t.ogre: Hell, if Chimera wrote it, it's probably a Constantine or Preacher ref. Speaking of which, Chimmie, Keanu is playing John Constantine. Movie goes into production in January.
Chimera: Now now, I've restrained myself to a maximum of two of each per episode, and I didn't do ANY in this time- Wait, did you say fucking Keanu? [slits his wrists]
Cosmos: Someone want to tell me what the editing note is so I can fix it? 'Cause apparently it's so obvious I'm still missing it.

--

BRANDT: Because Der Kommisar's in town.
ALL <nodding sagely>: Whoa-oooh.

Chimera: Man, I disguised a LOT of music riffs as normal ones, didn't I?
t.ogre: Duh. Who didn't move this over to the music riffs page? It's "Der Kommisar" by the late Falco.
Chimera: To our fans (Hello to both of you), the guy who makes the Musica page just hits 'Find' and type in 'singing'. This has been a Behind the Scenes look at Quasispace. Don't forget to describe it to your psychiatrist.

--

> "I know I’ve sensed it before, but now I forgot where."
>
> "That’s the same with us Kyra," said Kristen.

KAO: These people must be related to Shinnosuke.

Penfold: Shinnosuke is the broom-weilding guardian of Ryugenzawa in Ranma 1/2. His memory holds information almost as well as the average net holds water.

--

LAINER <Kristen>: That's because they don't have women in America, sweetie.
THIEF: Not since O'Neill's Plague, at least.

t.ogre: C'mon! Does *anyone* else realize that Frank Herbert wrote something other than the "Dune" books? It's a reference to "The White Plague." O'Neill sets off a retributive strike after his wife and kids are killed by an IRA bomb via a gender-specific plague. Go find it at your local used bookstore and read it. NOW.

--

LAINER <Kyo>: We must search for "him."
EON <Benitora>: Yes, it could only be "him" behind this.
KAO <Yuya>: But can we really defeat "him?"
BRANDT <Sanada>: We can only hope, for if "he" rises we'll revert to Civil War.
ROBBIE: JUST FUCKING SAY HIS NAME ALREADY!
[Beat.]
LAINER <Kyo>: Yes, "he" is the cause of all this evil.
[ROBBIE seethes.]

Dragomorph: This is mocking the half-assed fansub job in the B-rated anime "Samurai Deeper Kyo," possibly the only anime set in the time of Nobunaga that STILL manages to stuff Tokyo Tower in by the last episode. Basically, for half the show, the characters refer to a "him" without telling us who "he" is, and then even when it's revealed who "he" is, they STILL freaking say "him." Shitty, shitty anime.
Cosmos: In the offical release they translated that as 'The Lord', which is slightly less stupid, I guess.

--

When he heard the

BRANDT: -music years before, but the man there said the music wouldn't play?

> sound,

BRANDT: I was wrong? Nng! I blame you for this! [points a finger at the entrance] Bang!

Chimera: The first bit's actually a music ref to Don McLean's "The Day the Music Died". The second bit's just Brandt getting frustrated and blaming the
door to set up another, er, 'joke' I guess we could call it.
[BUZZZZ!]
Sherlock: Don McLean's song is called "American Pie." Bitch.
Chimera: Haha! I'm just too lazy to look it up. Thanks for doing my work, sucka.

--

> Her senses suddenly sensed that presence again and she quickly shot her
> head up again.

T.OGRE: Cracking it against the cabinet, stumbling into the cabinet of dolls, before finally collapsing atop the pile of life-saving junk mail.

Lainer: The junk mail might be throwing me off, but isn't this how you save the Babblefish in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy game?
Chimera: Nope. "The Kids in the Hall", this is Kevin MacDonald's tale of how junk mail saved his life (by stopping the bleeding from his head when he cracked
it on a cabinet by standing up too fast). Fun guess though.
Lysander: And for the record, our local text adventure guru here would just like to take a moment and say that the way to solve teh bablefish puzzle is to: hang your gown on the hook (thus making you naked in front of the Vogans, Ford, later Zafod and Trillian, etc., etc., but never mind those glitches; this is the '80s), stop the drain with something I can't remember (damnit, damnit, sonofabitch), block the robot pannel with Ford's satchel, and put the junkmail which you had better have picked up at the beginning of the game or you're screwed on top of the satchel. This has been another... amazing fact!

--

> Kyra quickly ran to her window and opened it.

LAINER <Clarissa>: Oh, hey Sam.
[A guitar twangs in the background.]

Lainer: From Melissa Joan Hart's first TV show, Clarissa Explains It All. Sam would always, and only, enter the scene by climbing in through Clarissa's
bedroom window. It should be noted that I like this TV show far more than I really should.
t.ogre: Admit it, it's got nothin' to do with the show. It's all about Melissa Joan Hart, ain't it?

--

But it suddenly glowed

T.OGRE: -causing the Matrix-born mirror to stop working. She'd go to see Sparrow in the morning to have it repaired.

Chimera: This is a reference to David Drake's Northworld trilogy. See, these artificers in the Northworld use this sub-universe called the Matrix to craft
things. A glowing magic necklace interfered with the mirror's connection to the Matrix, causing this princess chick to need to see Sparrow to get it fixed.

--

BRANDT: Aaahhh! Its the thing from the end of THE LURKING HORROR! Run for your life before it kills us all!

Krinn: Possible H.P. Lovecraft reference to either the short story "The Lurking Horror" or the movie of the same name.
Lysander: Actually, its to the (surprise, surprise) Infocom Interactive Fiction game. It may be just a IF-translation of the book to IF, I don't know, because I haen't read it, but its entirely possible since that was Infocom's one and only forae into the world of horror. Aaanyway, at the end of it you have this showdown-type thing with a huge mass of Evil (TM) that has tentacles. Its (somehow) plugged itself into the college's (which is where the "story" takes place) network, and is using the internet to spread its lies and decpetion of EVIL! (I *knew* it! The Gater corporation is really just a congealed blob! Now where'd I put that reworked copy of MS Blast?) You end up "beating" it by sticking the frayed end of an electrical chord into the knee-high water, electrocuting the thing to death. (you've got boots on.) The mass then promptly morphs into this weird huge bird-thing with a lot of very big teeth, which you "defeat" by throwing this red-hot stone at it. Then you pick up the stone and it cracks open, a miniature version of the thing you just killed flitting out and flying away. That's the end. No, I'm not goddamn happy with it either.

--

THIEF: At which point her body launched an infant out the window at Mach 12 who grew old and crash-landed in a grave on the other side of the planet.
ROBBIE: I'm not even going to ask.

Lainer: And Robbie shouldn't have to, since he's probably seen it. Thief's refering to a british Xbox commercial.

--

> As she looked out the window at the lake, she noticed a ripple in the
> surface.

JAKE <Sanford>: Now y'all stop tossin' my wine in the lake!

Penfold: I'm assuming that this Sanford has male progeny, as in "Sanford and Son."
Chimera: Yep. See, Sanford was always drinking Ripple wine...

--

JAKE <sighing>: Geez, John Haloren's surfacing *again*. Doesn't anyone know how to hide a body in a lake anymore?

Lainer: It's a referance to Francis Ford Coppola's first film, Dementia 13.
Penfold: ...I'm not sure I want to know...

--

CHAR <looking at the magazine>: Seems like transparent miniskirts are in, and women's rights are out. What a surprise.

Lainer: At the time I wrote that, miniskirts with transperant butts were apparently all the rage in Japan.

--

> It
> pushed its head down inside the tight denim and ran down, splitting her
> jeans open as it moved down her panties.

ICE: Well, it had to do that; to stop her from suffocating.
ONIKO: Yea. If its moment of indecisiveness had caused her to die, then it could never have lived with itself.

Lainer: Yeah, okay, I'm never going to live this one down. This is a referance to the hentai game Nocturnal Illusion. At one point the main character gets attacked by one of his housemates wearing a suit of evil armor. He stops her, but after geting the armor off he finds that she's unconcous. He then removes all of her clothing except her panties under the pretense that they might be preventing her from breathing, but that still doesn't solve anything. If you then choose not to remove her panties, you get text similar to the above. For the record I heard about the game from Sharkey (http://www.solidsharkey.com/nocturnal.html)
and SA (http://somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=466); I've actually never played a Hentai game.
Dragomorph: Suuuure you haven't.
Viper: I have. ^_______^

--

> She cried out and tossed, her eyes closed and face
> flushed, as the three serpent-heads sucked her breasts

GEN: -trying very hard to ignore the fact that Lord Tyler was taking up most of the room.

Chimera: In Heavy Metal 2000, evildoer Tyler sucks on heroine Julie's breasts. It stuck with me because it's the only sex scene in a movie which should've been overflowing with them.

--

> one stretching inside her body from
> that one spot within her,

GEN: -also known as the biological thermonuclear bomb that the alien race hid in her clone body.

Penfold: Is the the "Jean Bomb" (that ain't a typo) from Uncanny X-Men?
Chimera: Nope. It's a reference to 'Imposter', a seemingly unknown film with Gary Sinese about a government gone (understandably) mad with paranoia trying to find bio-nukes that aliens hid in artificial humans.
t.ogre: Holy crap. I thought I was the only person that had ever seen that movie.
Chimera: It's like we're twins seperated at birth. Except for the differences in age and racial background and all.
Lysander: Don't worry about it. Just forget the incident ever happened. The computer is your friend.

--

> and she shrieked as a long serpent thrust up
> between her legs and parted the lips of her vagina.

ONIKO: However, there was already a Remington water-pistol pressed in there by a Dare the lesbian assassin.

Chimera: Dare's from a couple Eric Van Lustbader books, there was one scene where she had sex with another woman using the previously mentioned toy. By the way, she's an assassin who's also a lesbian, not an assassin OF lesbians.
Cosmos: Good to know.

--

ONIKO: If you don't kill him with the one correct object in the game within five turns, he'll keep getting angrier and angrier until he'll appear to calm
down only to rip you to shreds with his oversized teeth. [nods sagely]

Lysander: Goddamnit. I have to stop doing this. See, this is a refference to the (horribly clunky) Adventure Game Toolkit game system for creating text adventures which reached a level of semi-popularity in the late '80s and early '90s. The earlier versions were meant mostly for fantasy-type games, and had several default responses cued in in an attempt to make the game creation itself as uncomplex as possible. One of them was the NPC-creation section. You could create the NPC's name, the description of the NPC in the room description (Bart is standing here), a description of the NPC for when you type "What now? Examine Bart" ("Bart is 5-foot 6 inches tall and has a rather fat gut. A small pistol is tucked into his wasteband." (typing "What now? examine pistol" at this point will earn you a "you see nothing special"; anything else will earn you "I don't understand the word "pistol", unless of course the person actually programmed in that particular object, in which case the pistol comment will be on a separate line to alert you of this, or there is a different pistol somewhere else in the game, in which case the game will respond with "I see no pistol here." But anyway.)), responses to being pushed, pulled or touched, talked to ("What now? talk to Bart"), responses to being asked about objects, responses to being asked about specific objects, and a "friendly/hostile" flag. If the flag is set to hostile, you then have to set how many turns you have in the room before he will attack, and what object you use to kill him with. The problem here is that you have to give only one object; you can't give more than one, which means that although the basterd sword *could* slay both the ogre and the kobalt, only the bastard sword will slay the ogre or the kobalt; if you tried, say, shooting the kobalt with a crossbow, you could stand there all day shooting at it and it JUST WOULDN'tT DIE. Additionally, the way it dealt with hostile creatures was always the same: it would block you from leaving (how, you ask? Don't ask, gentle reader.), say "The hungry, sex-crazed tentacle demon in the corner is getting angrier!" each time you do something and the timer hasn't run out for it to attack, then as your death message say that "The hungry, sex-crazed tentacle demon in the corner seems to calm down for a moment, then suddenly attacks! The hungry, sex-crazed tentacle demon in the corner's moth opens, revealing rows of incredibly sharp teeth that look too big to fit in its mouth, a fact which you become incredibly aware of as those same teeth bite you into many many pieces!" Sadly, however, this exact same message would play even if what was attacking was, say, Bart, or a Firby, or a curtain of sencient slime... you get the idea. For added fun, whenever you attack, you have to either throw the offending object at the thing or shoot him with it, and the person or thing always wrythes around before disappearing in a cloud of thick green smoke, which nicely does away with having to deal with dead body objects. This resulted in such golden comedy moments as attempting to give the puse bottle to the naive of hearts before he bites you into a million tiny pieces, resulting in throwing it at him and making him disappear in a cloud of smoke. Uh huh.
Cosmos: Good Grief! Will you stop that? That's way too much background for *one damn line*!

--

JAKE <Jessica Fletcher>: I don't know about the rest of the world, but Cabot Cove has been quiet lately.

Penfold: From "Murder, She Wrote." If you visited Cabot Cove, Maine, it was to kill someone. If not, you were either the victim or framed for the murder.
Lysander: Fuck *that* place, man. I'm moving to Pleasantville.

--

CHAR: ...then came the Night Wraith brigade and then they overwhelmed the moon frogs and then the Yellow Priest knew he was fucked.

Krinn. Another Lovecraft reference, this time to "The Dream Quest of Unknown Kadath". BTW, it's not 'Night Wraith', it's 'nightgaunt'.

--

Drago addition: Because I believe in giving credit where it's due, and because I'm a smug little bunnydragon:

SDR <Vampyre>: I'm a VAMPYRE!
NNIRK <Abby>: No, I'm a mage, and you're a BOX.

Drago: This is about as obscure as I get. While on the surface, it's a basic Vampire ref, it's actually a reference to a very, VERY specific event. A friend
of a friend of mine apparently was at a hotel one night where a Vampire: The Masquerade LARP was taking place. While in the bathroom, some foolish person
assumed he was part of the game as well and walked up to him, stating, "I'm a VAMPIRE!" My friend's friend, aware of the game in question, replied, "No,
I'm a mage, and you're a box." Even went to the GM and informed him of this, so for the rest of the night the poor sod was a box. Har har.

Posted on Nov 7, 2003, 10:16 PM
from IP address 12.73.133.200

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Sargasm.

by O. Hakubi (no login)

VIPER: I'd like to introduce the President, the President's husband, and her mistress.

Dragomorph: Oy vey, this is hard to explain... I don't know a DANG thing about the movie this is from. I just remember hearing a snippet of it in a commercial
for what I THINK is a movie channel, or something in England. It's actually bastardized to fit the situation. Anybody know? I think it's a National Lampoon
film, or something.

---

DRAGO <Aladdin>: Good teens take off their clothes!

Lainer: I don't know, on the one hand, some people might not get it. On the other hand, if you *haven't* heard of it, you probably haven't been on the internet
long enough.
Sherlock: Really, Lainer. Give them the horrid details. It's basically an Aladdin thing. There was some controversy as to what he was saying in that scene
where Aladdin visits the princess outside her room, and the tiger comes at him. In place of the original line, some people thought the above line could
be heard with a different voice. Never heard it myself. Check the Urban Legends Reference Page.

---
> Jasmine hung her head low ignoring the bidding war, she did not even
> look to see her new master.

ZANDAR <Papa Lazarou>: You're my wife, now.
M: Mozanrath?

Dragomorph: Don't know much 'bout the former, but Mozanrath was a villain from the TV version of Aladdin, and quite possibly the only example of a Disney
villain who can honestly be described as "bish."

---
> He has been trying to
> find the secret to imortality.

COSMOS <Ally>: Why doesn't he just use cinnabar, mercury and arsenic?
M <Bob>: He says it disagrees with his stomach.

Dragomorph: Bwa ha. You can TELL I wrote this riff during my Asian History class. Cinnabar, mercury and arsenic is the Daoist formula for immortality. Not
that it WORKED, of course...

---

M: No, that's a fake dick. *That's* a wrap.
[M points to a mass of fruit salad held together with Glad Wrap, marching around
the tank. It holds a sign reading, "Get the fuck off my house. Bitch."]

Viper: This? Oh, this! This is just one of my mind pukes. Dismiss with a chuckle. ^_^

---
> "Actually we are here for information, we wanna know where we can find
> Francis Newman Stien." Kaitlin said.

ZANDAR <Asuka>: STIEN!

---

ZANDAR <mob>: Learn to read, motherfucker!
M <Ally>: No, I-
ZANDAR <mob>: I said learn to read! [mimes beating M with a bat]
M <Ally>: I can't- OH GOD!

Chimera: From the www.sixsixfive.com website, a new take on the 'fight against illiteracy' programs.

---

DRAGO <Dave>: And if that stream should become a rushing torrent, a raging cataract, why I shall ford that womanly river...

Chimera: From 'The Kids in the Hall'... Dave talks about how he's the Guy Who's Okay About Menstration, and goes on in exhaustive detail about how he can
handle even the heaviest flows.

---

> Ally gets three more wishes!

DRAGO <Ally>: How about... a beer mug that never runs out of beer?
M <genie>: Your wish is my command.
[DRAGO mimes picking up and drinking a beer mug]
DRAGO <Ally>: Hmm, this is pretty good. How about two more of these?

Lainer: I'm not sure if this counts as obscure, but I'm going to tell you about it anyways. FOX's children's programing segment used to have a quartly magazine
that was sent to subscibers, and they'd have some sort of original comic based on whatever shows were on at that time. Well, in one issue they had a comic
for Mad Jack the Pirate where Jack and his first mate Snuk were trapped in the middle of a desert. Snuk found a genie's bottle, and the above situation
took place. Needless to say, Jack looked about ready to turn Snuk into two half Snuks after the end of the comic.

---

> Far from camp, in the cold desert night the ghost of the bare wench
> dropped cheryl on the cold rocky ground.

M <ghost>: Crap! Ran out of Pathos. Now where did I leave that Fetter...?

Chimera: What, nobody's played White Wolf's 'Wraith'? In it, you play ghosts, who have Pathos instead of Bloodpool or Rage, they get it from 'Fetters'...
objects, places, or people who tie the ghost to the mortal world.
Cosmos: I find it disturbing that I know this and I haven't played the damn game.

---

DRAGO <professor Schwarr, the root beer drinking man>: Now, Mr. Johnson, if we could discuss those punch cards...

Lysander: Oy. This one's kind of reaching. Its a refference to "Kirby House: the X-child," a text adventure/Interactive Fiction game by Jesse Berneko. The whole thing is basically a big parody on X-files by putting it in a college atmosphere. For example, the cigarette-smoking man becomes Professor Schwar the root beer drinking man. He walks around with two people dressed in suits and sunglasses and basically looking like Matrix agents and forces you to drink drugged root beers. Kinda silly.

---

> in the phoenix sub-urbs...

SDR: Tenchi was hitting on Athena, Sephiroth was working off his community service, and Aki was angsting... *again*.

Lainer: yeah, okay, I'm sorry. I know the thing about injokes, but it just seemed to fit. There's this MUX that I used to frequent called phoenix where
all the characters are from either anime or video games. Needless to say, interesting situations arose.

---

> meanwhile back in the living room...

NNIRK <southern accent>: Operator? Get me room 321, please.

Oniko: Ray Stevens reference. The song "Shriner's Convention" features Bubba trying to contact Coy in said room, and he says that to the operator.

---

DAVID: Maybe I should've just shouted 'HAMMER TIME!'
DUB: ...no. No, you shouldn't. Ever.

Penfold: A reference to MC Hammer that should probably go in the Riffola Musica section. I'll have to agree with dub's response, by the way.
Chimera: Sadly I feel COMPELLED to shout 'HAMMERTIME!' whenever somebody shouts STOP. It's a sickness, I know!

---

> "OH YES OH YEAH."

DUB: That was the best track off the '1977' album! I can see screaming it out during orgasm.

Oniko: A reference to "Oh Yeah," a song on Ash's "1977" album, which was released in... 1996.

---

DAVID: But without any miners, you can't get the diamond, and then you can't buy the Runaway Five's freedom, and- [notices others staring] ...never mind.

Dragomorph: Half-assed Earthbound reference. One of the sidequests requires you to get a diamond from some miners who are having problems in their cave.
Incidentally, I am between the second and the fourth best riffer in this group. ^_^

---

NNIRK: Excuse me, creepy narrator, but you've already told us you were pinned with absolutely no possibility of escape. How exactly would you manage to
forfeit your life?
MAX: Simple. Bite his tongue and bleed to death.
SDR: Or use an eyelash and a fingernail.

SD: Okay, I haven't actually /read/ the story in question, but I've seen enough references that I think it's valid. SDR is referring to a Star Trek Mary
Sue; I don't remember if it's original or TNG. I do remember that she was Empathic, Alien, Angsty, and committed suicide after playing matchmaker for the
Captain via - you guessed it - an eyelash and a fingernail.
SD: I'll Google for the reference again eventually, I think.
Chimera: Would it be wrong of me to say that I love watching a woman Google for the reference? Mmm, yeah...
Oniko: Wow. I've heard of Internet fetishes, but this is the first *Internet* fetish I've ever seen.
Cosmos: That's our Chimera for you.

---

> She tried to rationalize it again. Somebody dressed up as a vampyre to
> play a joke on her,

DAVID <Mark Kendall>: I do not look like a vampire!

Lainer: from the early Jim Carrey movie Once Bitten. After Carrey gets turned into a vampire he starts wearing all black clothing, a black trench coat,
and black sunglasses. While he's going to a halloween party with his girlfirend every keeps stopping him and telling him that he has a great vampire costume,
which causes him to respond with the above. It's true too, he looked more like the Terminator.

---

DUB <boy>: My life is dead, my soul is dead, my love is dead, my little cactus I bought in Arizona is dead.

Krinn: This one's mine. Taken from Don Harmon's foreward in Heavy 3P0, a Scud: the Disposable Assassin TPB.

---

DUB: Psh. Put away the Blackfire elemental before Joseph tracks you down, pussy.

Chimera: I'm again surprised nobody got this. Joseph's the hero of the crappy PS2/PC game 'Summoner', he can summon this black burning elemental guy which
the fic reminded me of.

---

T.OGRE <Joe C>: Yo, kid! Tell 'em what yer name is!
BRANDT: [bolts to his feet, upsetting EON] My name is BRAAAAAAANNNNN-

Penfold: More Musica. This is the beginning to Kid Rock's "Bawidaba," or something close to it.

--

> "You telling me. I always have a chill every time he looks at me with
> those eyes. It feels like if those eyes pierced my soul."

LAINER: Kick ass! A soul labret!

Chimera: A labret is a lip piercing. I s'pose I could've also gone with a medusa piercing, but I like the word labret.
Lysander <Hobbs>: I like the word labret. Labret labret labret labret labret labret labret labret. <normal> ...Are we gonna have to make an obscure riffs page for the obscure riffs page? Jesus Christ I hope not.

--

EON <Andrew>: I've got a feeling. A feeling I can't hide... oh, no.

Sherlock: This has to be the fourth or fifth Beatles ref that I've been able to get before anyone else. It's the song "I've Got a Feeling."

--

> I guess that means that he goes to my school.* She noticed that she was shaking
> and stopped.

THIEF <Kyra>: Yeah, that's enough thinking about Samsung in one day.

Penfold: "Samsung means 'to come.'" This was a flash that was linked to on the Ballad a couple months before we started this episode.
Viper: It was a by a Korean woman who apparently felt like Samsung came to her house and screwed her. Literally. I'm sorry I ever posted that link. T_T
Chimera: Actually, I never saw your link... so don't feel TOO responsible. Also, you better cut back on those faces before we call you Emoticoboy.
Lysander: stfu roflmaoomgwtf^________________^;;;; :)(F)(A)
Okay, I'm done now. Are you proud, you bastard?

--

> "My dad always tells me that I’m just like my grandmother when she was
> twelve Erica," Kyra replied to her best friend.

BRANDT <Kyra>: Want to see the necklace she left me? That's odd, I wonder why it's pointing down the hallway.

Lainer: The resemblances between Kyra and Escaflowne's Hitmomi are made later on in the fic, but I got the first one. Huzzah. This one's refering to Hitomi's
magic necklace that points in the direction of really bad events.

--

> Now that brought whispers from the class. "I wonder if he’ll be able to
> speak Japanese," whispered a boy.

ROBBIE: Yes, but only in his Sailor Soldier form.

Lainer: I took this one from a stupid Sailor Moon fic that I think either Dragomorph or Meagan MSTed. If it wasn't them, then I don't have the slightest idea who did it.
Dragomorph: Doesn't sound like one I did...

--

BRANDT: That's one hell of a gaze attack.

Another editing note, and this one's obvious enough that I'm surprised that no one caught it.

Viper: ...Pokemon?
Krinn: ...D&D reference?
t.ogre: Hell, if Chimera wrote it, it's probably a Constantine or Preacher ref. Speaking of which, Chimmie, Keanu is playing John Constantine. Movie goes into production in January.
Chimera: Now now, I've restrained myself to a maximum of two of each per episode, and I didn't do ANY in this time- Wait, did you say fucking Keanu? [slits his wrists]
Cosmos: Someone want to tell me what the editing note is so I can fix it? 'Cause apparently it's so obvious I'm still missing it.

--

BRANDT: Because Der Kommisar's in town.
ALL <nodding sagely>: Whoa-oooh.

Chimera: Man, I disguised a LOT of music riffs as normal ones, didn't I?
t.ogre: Duh. Who didn't move this over to the music riffs page? It's "Der Kommisar" by the late Falco.
Chimera: To our fans (Hello to both of you), the guy who makes the Musica page just hits 'Find' and type in 'singing'. This has been a Behind the Scenes look at Quasispace. Don't forget to describe it to your psychiatrist.

--

> "I know I’ve sensed it before, but now I forgot where."
>
> "That’s the same with us Kyra," said Kristen.

KAO: These people must be related to Shinnosuke.

Penfold: Shinnosuke is the broom-weilding guardian of Ryugenzawa in Ranma 1/2. His memory holds information almost as well as the average net holds water.

--

LAINER <Kristen>: That's because they don't have women in America, sweetie.
THIEF: Not since O'Neill's Plague, at least.

t.ogre: C'mon! Does *anyone* else realize that Frank Herbert wrote something other than the "Dune" books? It's a reference to "The White Plague." O'Neill sets off a retributive strike after his wife and kids are killed by an IRA bomb via a gender-specific plague. Go find it at your local used bookstore and read it. NOW.

--

LAINER <Kyo>: We must search for "him."
EON <Benitora>: Yes, it could only be "him" behind this.
KAO <Yuya>: But can we really defeat "him?"
BRANDT <Sanada>: We can only hope, for if "he" rises we'll revert to Civil War.
ROBBIE: JUST FUCKING SAY HIS NAME ALREADY!
[Beat.]
LAINER <Kyo>: Yes, "he" is the cause of all this evil.
[ROBBIE seethes.]

Dragomorph: This is mocking the half-assed fansub job in the B-rated anime "Samurai Deeper Kyo," possibly the only anime set in the time of Nobunaga that STILL manages to stuff Tokyo Tower in by the last episode. Basically, for half the show, the characters refer to a "him" without telling us who "he" is, and then even when it's revealed who "he" is, they STILL freaking say "him." Shitty, shitty anime.
Cosmos: In the offical release they translated that as 'The Lord', which is slightly less stupid, I guess.

--

When he heard the

BRANDT: -music years before, but the man there said the music wouldn't play?

> sound,

BRANDT: I was wrong? Nng! I blame you for this! [points a finger at the entrance] Bang!

Chimera: The first bit's actually a music ref to Don McLean's "The Day the Music Died". The second bit's just Brandt getting frustrated and blaming the
door to set up another, er, 'joke' I guess we could call it.
[BUZZZZ!]
Sherlock: Don McLean's song is called "American Pie." Bitch.
Chimera: Haha! I'm just too lazy to look it up. Thanks for doing my work, sucka.

--

> Her senses suddenly sensed that presence again and she quickly shot her
> head up again.

T.OGRE: Cracking it against the cabinet, stumbling into the cabinet of dolls, before finally collapsing atop the pile of life-saving junk mail.

Lainer: The junk mail might be throwing me off, but isn't this how you save the Babblefish in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy game?
Chimera: Nope. "The Kids in the Hall", this is Kevin MacDonald's tale of how junk mail saved his life (by stopping the bleeding from his head when he cracked
it on a cabinet by standing up too fast). Fun guess though.
Lysander: And for the record, our local text adventure guru here would just like to take a moment and say that the way to solve teh bablefish puzzle is to: hang your gown on the hook (thus making you naked in front of the Vogans, Ford, later Zafod and Trillian, etc., etc., but never mind those glitches; this is the '80s), stop the drain with something I can't remember (damnit, damnit, sonofabitch), block the robot pannel with Ford's satchel, and put the junkmail which you had better have picked up at the beginning of the game or you're screwed on top of the satchel. This has been another... amazing fact!

--

> Kyra quickly ran to her window and opened it.

LAINER <Clarissa>: Oh, hey Sam.
[A guitar twangs in the background.]

Lainer: From Melissa Joan Hart's first TV show, Clarissa Explains It All. Sam would always, and only, enter the scene by climbing in through Clarissa's
bedroom window. It should be noted that I like this TV show far more than I really should.
t.ogre: Admit it, it's got nothin' to do with the show. It's all about Melissa Joan Hart, ain't it?

--

But it suddenly glowed

T.OGRE: -causing the Matrix-born mirror to stop working. She'd go to see Sparrow in the morning to have it repaired.

Chimera: This is a reference to David Drake's Northworld trilogy. See, these artificers in the Northworld use this sub-universe called the Matrix to craft
things. A glowing magic necklace interfered with the mirror's connection to the Matrix, causing this princess chick to need to see Sparrow to get it fixed.

--

BRANDT: Aaahhh! Its the thing from the end of THE LURKING HORROR! Run for your life before it kills us all!

Krinn: Possible H.P. Lovecraft reference to either the short story "The Lurking Horror" or the movie of the same name.
Lysander: Actually, its to the (surprise, surprise) Infocom Interactive Fiction game. It may be just a IF-translation of the book to IF, I don't know, because I haen't read it, but its entirely possible since that was Infocom's one and only forae into the world of horror. Aaanyway, at the end of it you have this showdown-type thing with a huge mass of Evil (TM) that has tentacles. Its (somehow) plugged itself into the college's (which is where the "story" takes place) network, and is using the internet to spread its lies and decpetion of EVIL! (I *knew* it! The Gater corporation is really just a congealed blob! Now where'd I put that reworked copy of MS Blast?) You end up "beating" it by sticking the frayed end of an electrical chord into the knee-high water, electrocuting the thing to death. (you've got boots on.) The mass then promptly morphs into this weird huge bird-thing with a lot of very big teeth, which you "defeat" by throwing this red-hot stone at it. Then you pick up the stone and it cracks open, a miniature version of the thing you just killed flitting out and flying away. That's the end. No, I'm not goddamn happy with it either.

--

THIEF: At which point her body launched an infant out the window at Mach 12 who grew old and crash-landed in a grave on the other side of the planet.
ROBBIE: I'm not even going to ask.

Lainer: And Robbie shouldn't have to, since he's probably seen it. Thief's refering to a british Xbox commercial.

--

> As she looked out the window at the lake, she noticed a ripple in the
> surface.

JAKE <Sanford>: Now y'all stop tossin' my wine in the lake!

Penfold: I'm assuming that this Sanford has male progeny, as in "Sanford and Son."
Chimera: Yep. See, Sanford was always drinking Ripple wine...

--

JAKE <sighing>: Geez, John Haloren's surfacing *again*. Doesn't anyone know how to hide a body in a lake anymore?

Lainer: It's a referance to Francis Ford Coppola's first film, Dementia 13.
Penfold: ...I'm not sure I want to know...

--

CHAR <looking at the magazine>: Seems like transparent miniskirts are in, and women's rights are out. What a surprise.

Lainer: At the time I wrote that, miniskirts with transperant butts were apparently all the rage in Japan.

--

> It
> pushed its head down inside the tight denim and ran down, splitting her
> jeans open as it moved down her panties.

ICE: Well, it had to do that; to stop her from suffocating.
ONIKO: Yea. If its moment of indecisiveness had caused her to die, then it could never have lived with itself.

Lainer: Yeah, okay, I'm never going to live this one down. This is a referance to the hentai game Nocturnal Illusion. At one point the main character gets attacked by one of his housemates wearing a suit of evil armor. He stops her, but after geting the armor off he finds that she's unconcous. He then removes all of her clothing except her panties under the pretense that they might be preventing her from breathing, but that still doesn't solve anything. If you then choose not to remove her panties, you get text similar to the above. For the record I heard about the game from Sharkey (http://www.solidsharkey.com/nocturnal.html)
and SA (http://somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=466); I've actually never played a Hentai game.
Dragomorph: Suuuure you haven't.
Viper: I have. ^_______^

--

> She cried out and tossed, her eyes closed and face
> flushed, as the three serpent-heads sucked her breasts

GEN: -trying very hard to ignore the fact that Lord Tyler was taking up most of the room.

Chimera: In Heavy Metal 2000, evildoer Tyler sucks on heroine Julie's breasts. It stuck with me because it's the only sex scene in a movie which should've been overflowing with them.

--

> one stretching inside her body from
> that one spot within her,

GEN: -also known as the biological thermonuclear bomb that the alien race hid in her clone body.

Penfold: Is the the "Jean Bomb" (that ain't a typo) from Uncanny X-Men?
Chimera: Nope. It's a reference to 'Imposter', a seemingly unknown film with Gary Sinese about a government gone (understandably) mad with paranoia trying to find bio-nukes that aliens hid in artificial humans.
t.ogre: Holy crap. I thought I was the only person that had ever seen that movie.
Chimera: It's like we're twins seperated at birth. Except for the differences in age and racial background and all.
Lysander: Don't worry about it. Just forget the incident ever happened. The computer is your friend.

--

> and she shrieked as a long serpent thrust up
> between her legs and parted the lips of her vagina.

ONIKO: However, there was already a Remington water-pistol pressed in there by a Dare the lesbian assassin.

Chimera: Dare's from a couple Eric Van Lustbader books, there was one scene where she had sex with another woman using the previously mentioned toy. By the way, she's an assassin who's also a lesbian, not an assassin OF lesbians.
Cosmos: Good to know.

--

ONIKO: If you don't kill him with the one correct object in the game within five turns, he'll keep getting angrier and angrier until he'll appear to calm
down only to rip you to shreds with his oversized teeth. [nods sagely]

Lysander: Goddamnit. I have to stop doing this. See, this is a refference to the (horribly clunky) Adventure Game Toolkit game system for creating text adventures which reached a level of semi-popularity in the late '80s and early '90s. The earlier versions were meant mostly for fantasy-type games, and had several default responses cued in in an attempt to make the game creation itself as uncomplex as possible. One of them was the NPC-creation section. You could create the NPC's name, the description of the NPC in the room description (Bart is standing here), a description of the NPC for when you type "What now? Examine Bart" ("Bart is 5-foot 6 inches tall and has a rather fat gut. A small pistol is tucked into his wasteband." (typing "What now? examine pistol" at this point will earn you a "you see nothing special"; anything else will earn you "I don't understand the word "pistol", unless of course the person actually programmed in that particular object, in which case the pistol comment will be on a separate line to alert you of this, or there is a different pistol somewhere else in the game, in which case the game will respond with "I see no pistol here." But anyway.)), responses to being pushed, pulled or touched, talked to ("What now? talk to Bart"), responses to being asked about objects, responses to being asked about specific objects, and a "friendly/hostile" flag. If the flag is set to hostile, you then have to set how many turns you have in the room before he will attack, and what object you use to kill him with. The problem here is that you have to give only one object; you can't give more than one, which means that although the basterd sword *could* slay both the ogre and the kobalt, only the bastard sword will slay the ogre or the kobalt; if you tried, say, shooting the kobalt with a crossbow, you could stand there all day shooting at it and it JUST WOULDN'tT DIE. Additionally, the way it dealt with hostile creatures was always the same: it would block you from leaving (how, you ask? Don't ask, gentle reader.), say "The hungry, sex-crazed tentacle demon in the corner is getting angrier!" each time you do something and the timer hasn't run out for it to attack, then as your death message say that "The hungry, sex-crazed tentacle demon in the corner seems to calm down for a moment, then suddenly attacks! The hungry, sex-crazed tentacle demon in the corner's moth opens, revealing rows of incredibly sharp teeth that look too big to fit in its mouth, a fact which you become incredibly aware of as those same teeth bite you into many many pieces!" Sadly, however, this exact same message would play even if what was attacking was, say, Bart, or a Firby, or a curtain of sencient slime... you get the idea. For added fun, whenever you attack, you have to either throw the offending object at the thing or shoot him with it, and the person or thing always wrythes around before disappearing in a cloud of thick green smoke, which nicely does away with having to deal with dead body objects. This resulted in such golden comedy moments as attempting to give the puse bottle to the naive of hearts before he bites you into a million tiny pieces, resulting in throwing it at him and making him disappear in a cloud of smoke. Uh huh.
Cosmos: Good Grief! Will you stop that? That's way too much background for *one damn line*!
Oniko: He can't help it, he's sitting on the Chair Under the Spotlight (TM).

--

JAKE <Jessica Fletcher>: I don't know about the rest of the world, but Cabot Cove has been quiet lately.

Penfold: From "Murder, She Wrote." If you visited Cabot Cove, Maine, it was to kill someone. If not, you were either the victim or framed for the murder.
Lysander: Fuck *that* place, man. I'm moving to Pleasantville.

--

CHAR: ...then came the Night Wraith brigade and then they overwhelmed the moon frogs and then the Yellow Priest knew he was fucked.

Krinn. Another Lovecraft reference, this time to "The Dream Quest of Unknown Kadath". BTW, it's not 'Night Wraith', it's 'nightgaunt'.

--

Drago addition: Because I believe in giving credit where it's due, and because I'm a smug little bunnydragon:

SDR <Vampyre>: I'm a VAMPYRE!
NNIRK <Abby>: No, I'm a mage, and you're a BOX.

Drago: This is about as obscure as I get. While on the surface, it's a basic Vampire ref, it's actually a reference to a very, VERY specific event. A friend
of a friend of mine apparently was at a hotel one night where a Vampire: The Masquerade LARP was taking place. While in the bathroom, some foolish person
assumed he was part of the game as well and walked up to him, stating, "I'm a VAMPIRE!" My friend's friend, aware of the game in question, replied, "No,
I'm a mage, and you're a box." Even went to the GM and informed him of this, so for the rest of the night the poor sod was a box. Har har.



Posted on Nov 7, 2003, 11:41 PM
from IP address 24.195.121.126

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One correction, and we still need at least one thing here filled in.

by Chimera (no login)

VIPER: I'd like to introduce the President, the President's husband, and her mistress.

Dragomorph: Oy vey, this is hard to explain... I don't know a DANG thing about the movie this is from. I just remember hearing a snippet of it in a commercial
for what I THINK is a movie channel, or something in England. It's actually bastardized to fit the situation. Anybody know? I think it's a National Lampoon
film, or something.

---

DRAGO <Aladdin>: Good teens take off their clothes!

Lainer: I don't know, on the one hand, some people might not get it. On the other hand, if you *haven't* heard of it, you probably haven't been on the internet
long enough.
Sherlock: Really, Lainer. Give them the horrid details. It's basically an Aladdin thing. There was some controversy as to what he was saying in that scene
where Aladdin visits the princess outside her room, and the tiger comes at him. In place of the original line, some people thought the above line could
be heard with a different voice. Never heard it myself. Check the Urban Legends Reference Page.

---
> Jasmine hung her head low ignoring the bidding war, she did not even
> look to see her new master.

ZANDAR <Papa Lazarou>: You're my wife, now.
M: Mozanrath?

Dragomorph: Don't know much 'bout the former, but Mozanrath was a villain from the TV version of Aladdin, and quite possibly the only example of a Disney
villain who can honestly be described as "bish."

---
> He has been trying to
> find the secret to imortality.

COSMOS <Ally>: Why doesn't he just use cinnabar, mercury and arsenic?
M <Bob>: He says it disagrees with his stomach.

Dragomorph: Bwa ha. You can TELL I wrote this riff during my Asian History class. Cinnabar, mercury and arsenic is the Daoist formula for immortality. Not
that it WORKED, of course...

---

M: No, that's a fake dick. *That's* a wrap.
[M points to a mass of fruit salad held together with Glad Wrap, marching around
the tank. It holds a sign reading, "Get the fuck off my house. Bitch."]

Viper: This? Oh, this! This is just one of my mind pukes. Dismiss with a chuckle. ^_^

---
> "Actually we are here for information, we wanna know where we can find
> Francis Newman Stien." Kaitlin said.

ZANDAR <Asuka>: STIEN!

---

ZANDAR <mob>: Learn to read, motherfucker!
M <Ally>: No, I-
ZANDAR <mob>: I said learn to read! [mimes beating M with a bat]
M <Ally>: I can't- OH GOD!

Chimera: From the www.sixsixfive.com website, a new take on the 'fight against illiteracy' programs.

---

DRAGO <Dave>: And if that stream should become a rushing torrent, a raging cataract, why I shall ford that womanly river...

Chimera: From 'The Kids in the Hall'... Dave talks about how he's the Guy Who's Okay About Menstration, and goes on in exhaustive detail about how he can
handle even the heaviest flows.

---

> Ally gets three more wishes!

DRAGO <Ally>: How about... a beer mug that never runs out of beer?
M <genie>: Your wish is my command.
[DRAGO mimes picking up and drinking a beer mug]
DRAGO <Ally>: Hmm, this is pretty good. How about two more of these?

Lainer: I'm not sure if this counts as obscure, but I'm going to tell you about it anyways. FOX's children's programing segment used to have a quartly magazine
that was sent to subscibers, and they'd have some sort of original comic based on whatever shows were on at that time. Well, in one issue they had a comic
for Mad Jack the Pirate where Jack and his first mate Snuk were trapped in the middle of a desert. Snuk found a genie's bottle, and the above situation
took place. Needless to say, Jack looked about ready to turn Snuk into two half Snuks after the end of the comic.

---

> Far from camp, in the cold desert night the ghost of the bare wench
> dropped cheryl on the cold rocky ground.

M <ghost>: Crap! Ran out of Pathos. Now where did I leave that Fetter...?

Chimera: What, nobody's played White Wolf's 'Wraith'? In it, you play ghosts, who have Pathos instead of Bloodpool or Rage, they get it from 'Fetters'...
objects, places, or people who tie the ghost to the mortal world.
Cosmos: I find it disturbing that I know this and I haven't played the damn game.

---

DRAGO <professor Schwarr, the root beer drinking man>: Now, Mr. Johnson, if we could discuss those punch cards...

Lysander: Oy. This one's kind of reaching. Its a refference to "Kirby House: the X-child," a text adventure/Interactive Fiction game by Jesse Berneko. The whole thing is basically a big parody on X-files by putting it in a college atmosphere. For example, the cigarette-smoking man becomes Professor Schwar the root beer drinking man. He walks around with two people dressed in suits and sunglasses and basically looking like Matrix agents and forces you to drink drugged root beers. Kinda silly.

---

> in the phoenix sub-urbs...

SDR: Tenchi was hitting on Athena, Sephiroth was working off his community service, and Aki was angsting... *again*.

Lainer: yeah, okay, I'm sorry. I know the thing about injokes, but it just seemed to fit. There's this MUX that I used to frequent called phoenix where
all the characters are from either anime or video games. Needless to say, interesting situations arose.

---

> meanwhile back in the living room...

NNIRK <southern accent>: Operator? Get me room 321, please.

Oniko: Ray Stevens reference. The song "Shriner's Convention" features Bubba trying to contact Coy in said room, and he says that to the operator.

---

DAVID: Maybe I should've just shouted 'HAMMER TIME!'
DUB: ...no. No, you shouldn't. Ever.

Penfold: A reference to MC Hammer that should probably go in the Riffola Musica section. I'll have to agree with dub's response, by the way.
Chimera: Sadly I feel COMPELLED to shout 'HAMMERTIME!' whenever somebody shouts STOP. It's a sickness, I know!

---

> "OH YES OH YEAH."

DUB: That was the best track off the '1977' album! I can see screaming it out during orgasm.

Oniko: A reference to "Oh Yeah," a song on Ash's "1977" album, which was released in... 1996.

---

DAVID: But without any miners, you can't get the diamond, and then you can't buy the Runaway Five's freedom, and- [notices others staring] ...never mind.

Dragomorph: Half-assed Earthbound reference. One of the sidequests requires you to get a diamond from some miners who are having problems in their cave.
Incidentally, I am between the second and the fourth best riffer in this group. ^_^

---

NNIRK: Excuse me, creepy narrator, but you've already told us you were pinned with absolutely no possibility of escape. How exactly would you manage to
forfeit your life?
MAX: Simple. Bite his tongue and bleed to death.
SDR: Or use an eyelash and a fingernail.

SD: Okay, I haven't actually /read/ the story in question, but I've seen enough references that I think it's valid. SDR is referring to a Star Trek Mary
Sue; I don't remember if it's original or TNG. I do remember that she was Empathic, Alien, Angsty, and committed suicide after playing matchmaker for the
Captain via - you guessed it - an eyelash and a fingernail.
SD: I'll Google for the reference again eventually, I think.
Chimera: Would it be wrong of me to say that I love watching a woman Google for the reference? Mmm, yeah...
Oniko: Wow. I've heard of Internet fetishes, but this is the first *Internet* fetish I've ever seen.
Cosmos: That's our Chimera for you.

---

> She tried to rationalize it again. Somebody dressed up as a vampyre to
> play a joke on her,

DAVID <Mark Kendall>: I do not look like a vampire!

Lainer: from the early Jim Carrey movie Once Bitten. After Carrey gets turned into a vampire he starts wearing all black clothing, a black trench coat,
and black sunglasses. While he's going to a halloween party with his girlfirend every keeps stopping him and telling him that he has a great vampire costume,
which causes him to respond with the above. It's true too, he looked more like the Terminator.

---

DUB <boy>: My life is dead, my soul is dead, my love is dead, my little cactus I bought in Arizona is dead.

Krinn: This one's mine. Taken from Don Harmon's foreward in Heavy 3P0, a Scud: the Disposable Assassin TPB.

---

DUB: Psh. Put away the Blackfire elemental before Joseph tracks you down, pussy.

Chimera: I'm again surprised nobody got this. Joseph's the hero of the crappy PS2/PC game 'Summoner', he can summon this black burning elemental guy which
the fic reminded me of.

---

T.OGRE <Joe C>: Yo, kid! Tell 'em what yer name is!
BRANDT: [bolts to his feet, upsetting EON] My name is BRAAAAAAANNNNN-

Penfold: More Musica. This is the beginning to Kid Rock's "Bawidaba," or something close to it.

--

> "You telling me. I always have a chill every time he looks at me with
> those eyes. It feels like if those eyes pierced my soul."

LAINER: Kick ass! A soul labret!

Chimera: A labret is a lip piercing. I s'pose I could've also gone with a medusa piercing, but I like the word labret.
Lysander <Hobbs>: I like the word labret. Labret labret labret labret labret labret labret labret. <normal> ...Are we gonna have to make an obscure riffs page for the obscure riffs page? Jesus Christ I hope not.

--

EON <Andrew>: I've got a feeling. A feeling I can't hide... oh, no.

Sherlock: This has to be the fourth or fifth Beatles ref that I've been able to get before anyone else. It's the song "I've Got a Feeling."

--

> I guess that means that he goes to my school.* She noticed that she was shaking
> and stopped.

THIEF <Kyra>: Yeah, that's enough thinking about Samsung in one day.

Penfold: "Samsung means 'to come.'" This was a flash that was linked to on the Ballad a couple months before we started this episode.
Viper: It was a by a Korean woman who apparently felt like Samsung came to her house and screwed her. Literally. I'm sorry I ever posted that link. T_T
Chimera: Actually, I never saw your link... so don't feel TOO responsible. Also, you better cut back on those faces before we call you Emoticoboy.
Lysander: stfu roflmaoomgwtf^________________^;;;; :)(F)(A)
Okay, I'm done now. Are you proud, you bastard?
Chimera: Like you need help from me to do that.

--

> "My dad always tells me that I’m just like my grandmother when she was
> twelve Erica," Kyra replied to her best friend.

BRANDT <Kyra>: Want to see the necklace she left me? That's odd, I wonder why it's pointing down the hallway.

Lainer: The resemblances between Kyra and Escaflowne's Hitmomi are made later on in the fic, but I got the first one. Huzzah. This one's refering to Hitomi's
magic necklace that points in the direction of really bad events.

--

> Now that brought whispers from the class. "I wonder if he’ll be able to
> speak Japanese," whispered a boy.

ROBBIE: Yes, but only in his Sailor Soldier form.

Lainer: I took this one from a stupid Sailor Moon fic that I think either Dragomorph or Meagan MSTed. If it wasn't them, then I don't have the slightest idea who did it.
Dragomorph: Doesn't sound like one I did...

--

BRANDT: That's one hell of a gaze attack.

Another editing note, and this one's obvious enough that I'm surprised that no one caught it.

Viper: ...Pokemon?
Krinn: ...D&D reference?
t.ogre: Hell, if Chimera wrote it, it's probably a Constantine or Preacher ref. Speaking of which, Chimmie, Keanu is playing John Constantine. Movie goes into production in January.
Chimera: Now now, I've restrained myself to a maximum of two of each per episode, and I only did ONE this time- Wait, did you say fucking Keanu? [slits his wrists]
Cosmos: Someone want to tell me what the editing note is so I can fix it? 'Cause apparently it's so obvious I'm still missing it.

--

BRANDT: Because Der Kommisar's in town.
ALL <nodding sagely>: Whoa-oooh.

Chimera: Man, I disguised a LOT of music riffs as normal ones, didn't I?
t.ogre: Duh. Who didn't move this over to the music riffs page? It's "Der Kommisar" by the late Falco.
Chimera: To our fans (Hello to both of you), the guy who makes the Musica page just hits 'Find' and type in 'singing'. This has been a Behind the Scenes look at Quasispace. Don't forget to describe it to your psychiatrist.

--

> "I know I’ve sensed it before, but now I forgot where."
>
> "That’s the same with us Kyra," said Kristen.

KAO: These people must be related to Shinnosuke.

Penfold: Shinnosuke is the broom-weilding guardian of Ryugenzawa in Ranma 1/2. His memory holds information almost as well as the average net holds water.

--

LAINER <Kristen>: That's because they don't have women in America, sweetie.
THIEF: Not since O'Neill's Plague, at least.

t.ogre: C'mon! Does *anyone* else realize that Frank Herbert wrote something other than the "Dune" books? It's a reference to "The White Plague." O'Neill sets off a retributive strike after his wife and kids are killed by an IRA bomb via a gender-specific plague. Go find it at your local used bookstore and read it. NOW.

--

LAINER <Kyo>: We must search for "him."
EON <Benitora>: Yes, it could only be "him" behind this.
KAO <Yuya>: But can we really defeat "him?"
BRANDT <Sanada>: We can only hope, for if "he" rises we'll revert to Civil War.
ROBBIE: JUST FUCKING SAY HIS NAME ALREADY!
[Beat.]
LAINER <Kyo>: Yes, "he" is the cause of all this evil.
[ROBBIE seethes.]

Dragomorph: This is mocking the half-assed fansub job in the B-rated anime "Samurai Deeper Kyo," possibly the only anime set in the time of Nobunaga that STILL manages to stuff Tokyo Tower in by the last episode. Basically, for half the show, the characters refer to a "him" without telling us who "he" is, and then even when it's revealed who "he" is, they STILL freaking say "him." Shitty, shitty anime.
Cosmos: In the offical release they translated that as 'The Lord', which is slightly less stupid, I guess.

--

When he heard the

BRANDT: -music years before, but the man there said the music wouldn't play?

> sound,

BRANDT: I was wrong? Nng! I blame you for this! [points a finger at the entrance] Bang!

Chimera: The first bit's actually a music ref to Don McLean's "The Day the Music Died". The second bit's just Brandt getting frustrated and blaming the
door to set up another, er, 'joke' I guess we could call it.
[BUZZZZ!]
Sherlock: Don McLean's song is called "American Pie." Bitch.
Chimera: Haha! I'm just too lazy to look it up. Thanks for doing my work, sucka.

--

> Her senses suddenly sensed that presence again and she quickly shot her
> head up again.

T.OGRE: Cracking it against the cabinet, stumbling into the cabinet of dolls, before finally collapsing atop the pile of life-saving junk mail.

Lainer: The junk mail might be throwing me off, but isn't this how you save the Babblefish in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy game?
Chimera: Nope. "The Kids in the Hall", this is Kevin MacDonald's tale of how junk mail saved his life (by stopping the bleeding from his head when he cracked
it on a cabinet by standing up too fast). Fun guess though.
Lysander: And for the record, our local text adventure guru here would just like to take a moment and say that the way to solve teh bablefish puzzle is to: hang your gown on the hook (thus making you naked in front of the Vogans, Ford, later Zafod and Trillian, etc., etc., but never mind those glitches; this is the '80s), stop the drain with something I can't remember (damnit, damnit, sonofabitch), block the robot pannel with Ford's satchel, and put the junkmail which you had better have picked up at the beginning of the game or you're screwed on top of the satchel. This has been another... amazing fact!
Chimera: [sigh] A, most of us took the gown back off the hook and put it back on, you freak. B, you stop the drain with your TOWEL, you fool! How in the name of Barbara Streisand's black soul could you forget the TOWEL!?



--

> Kyra quickly ran to her window and opened it.

LAINER <Clarissa>: Oh, hey Sam.
[A guitar twangs in the background.]

Lainer: From Melissa Joan Hart's first TV show, Clarissa Explains It All. Sam would always, and only, enter the scene by climbing in through Clarissa's
bedroom window. It should be noted that I like this TV show far more than I really should.
t.ogre: Admit it, it's got nothin' to do with the show. It's all about Melissa Joan Hart, ain't it?

--

But it suddenly glowed

T.OGRE: -causing the Matrix-born mirror to stop working. She'd go to see Sparrow in the morning to have it repaired.

Chimera: This is a reference to David Drake's Northworld trilogy. See, these artificers in the Northworld use this sub-universe called the Matrix to craft
things. A glowing magic necklace interfered with the mirror's connection to the Matrix, causing this princess chick to need to see Sparrow to get it fixed.

--

BRANDT: Aaahhh! Its the thing from the end of THE LURKING HORROR! Run for your life before it kills us all!

Krinn: Possible H.P. Lovecraft reference to either the short story "The Lurking Horror" or the movie of the same name.
Lysander: Actually, its to the (surprise, surprise) Infocom Interactive Fiction game. It may be just a IF-translation of the book to IF, I don't know, because I haen't read it, but its entirely possible since that was Infocom's one and only forae into the world of horror. Aaanyway, at the end of it you have this showdown-type thing with a huge mass of Evil (TM) that has tentacles. Its (somehow) plugged itself into the college's (which is where the "story" takes place) network, and is using the internet to spread its lies and decpetion of EVIL! (I *knew* it! The Gater corporation is really just a congealed blob! Now where'd I put that reworked copy of MS Blast?) You end up "beating" it by sticking the frayed end of an electrical chord into the knee-high water, electrocuting the thing to death. (you've got boots on.) The mass then promptly morphs into this weird huge bird-thing with a lot of very big teeth, which you "defeat" by throwing this red-hot stone at it. Then you pick up the stone and it cracks open, a miniature version of the thing you just killed flitting out and flying away. That's the end. No, I'm not goddamn happy with it either.

--

THIEF: At which point her body launched an infant out the window at Mach 12 who grew old and crash-landed in a grave on the other side of the planet.
ROBBIE: I'm not even going to ask.

Lainer: And Robbie shouldn't have to, since he's probably seen it. Thief's refering to a british Xbox commercial.

--

> As she looked out the window at the lake, she noticed a ripple in the
> surface.

JAKE <Sanford>: Now y'all stop tossin' my wine in the lake!

Penfold: I'm assuming that this Sanford has male progeny, as in "Sanford and Son."
Chimera: Yep. See, Sanford was always drinking Ripple wine...

--

JAKE <sighing>: Geez, John Haloren's surfacing *again*. Doesn't anyone know how to hide a body in a lake anymore?

Lainer: It's a referance to Francis Ford Coppola's first film, Dementia 13.
Penfold: ...I'm not sure I want to know...

--

CHAR <looking at the magazine>: Seems like transparent miniskirts are in, and women's rights are out. What a surprise.

Lainer: At the time I wrote that, miniskirts with transperant butts were apparently all the rage in Japan.

--

> It
> pushed its head down inside the tight denim and ran down, splitting her
> jeans open as it moved down her panties.

ICE: Well, it had to do that; to stop her from suffocating.
ONIKO: Yea. If its moment of indecisiveness had caused her to die, then it could never have lived with itself.

Lainer: Yeah, okay, I'm never going to live this one down. This is a referance to the hentai game Nocturnal Illusion. At one point the main character gets attacked by one of his housemates wearing a suit of evil armor. He stops her, but after geting the armor off he finds that she's unconcous. He then removes all of her clothing except her panties under the pretense that they might be preventing her from breathing, but that still doesn't solve anything. If you then choose not to remove her panties, you get text similar to the above. For the record I heard about the game from Sharkey (http://www.solidsharkey.com/nocturnal.html)
and SA (http://somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=466); I've actually never played a Hentai game.
Dragomorph: Suuuure you haven't.
Viper: I have. ^_______^

--

> She cried out and tossed, her eyes closed and face
> flushed, as the three serpent-heads sucked her breasts

GEN: -trying very hard to ignore the fact that Lord Tyler was taking up most of the room.

Chimera: In Heavy Metal 2000, evildoer Tyler sucks on heroine Julie's breasts. It stuck with me because it's the only sex scene in a movie which should've been overflowing with them.

--

> one stretching inside her body from
> that one spot within her,

GEN: -also known as the biological thermonuclear bomb that the alien race hid in her clone body.

Penfold: Is the the "Jean Bomb" (that ain't a typo) from Uncanny X-Men?
Chimera: Nope. It's a reference to 'Imposter', a seemingly unknown film with Gary Sinese about a government gone (understandably) mad with paranoia trying to find bio-nukes that aliens hid in artificial humans.
t.ogre: Holy crap. I thought I was the only person that had ever seen that movie.
Chimera: It's like we're twins seperated at birth. Except for the differences in age and racial background and all.
Lysander: Don't worry about it. Just forget the incident ever happened. The computer is your friend.

--

> and she shrieked as a long serpent thrust up
> between her legs and parted the lips of her vagina.

ONIKO: However, there was already a Remington water-pistol pressed in there by a Dare the lesbian assassin.

Chimera: Dare's from a couple Eric Van Lustbader books, there was one scene where she had sex with another woman using the previously mentioned toy. By the way, she's an assassin who's also a lesbian, not an assassin OF lesbians.
Cosmos: Good to know.

--

ONIKO: If you don't kill him with the one correct object in the game within five turns, he'll keep getting angrier and angrier until he'll appear to calm
down only to rip you to shreds with his oversized teeth. [nods sagely]

Lysander: Goddamnit. I have to stop doing this. See, this is a refference to the (horribly clunky) Adventure Game Toolkit game system for creating text adventures which reached a level of semi-popularity in the late '80s and early '90s. The earlier versions were meant mostly for fantasy-type games, and had several default responses cued in in an attempt to make the game creation itself as uncomplex as possible. One of them was the NPC-creation section. You could create the NPC's name, the description of the NPC in the room description (Bart is standing here), a description of the NPC for when you type "What now? Examine Bart" ("Bart is 5-foot 6 inches tall and has a rather fat gut. A small pistol is tucked into his wasteband." (typing "What now? examine pistol" at this point will earn you a "you see nothing special"; anything else will earn you "I don't understand the word "pistol", unless of course the person actually programmed in that particular object, in which case the pistol comment will be on a separate line to alert you of this, or there is a different pistol somewhere else in the game, in which case the game will respond with "I see no pistol here." But anyway.)), responses to being pushed, pulled or touched, talked to ("What now? talk to Bart"), responses to being asked about objects, responses to being asked about specific objects, and a "friendly/hostile" flag. If the flag is set to hostile, you then have to set how many turns you have in the room before he will attack, and what object you use to kill him with. The problem here is that you have to give only one object; you can't give more than one, which means that although the basterd sword *could* slay both the ogre and the kobalt, only the bastard sword will slay the ogre or the kobalt; if you tried, say, shooting the kobalt with a crossbow, you could stand there all day shooting at it and it JUST WOULDN'tT DIE. Additionally, the way it dealt with hostile creatures was always the same: it would block you from leaving (how, you ask? Don't ask, gentle reader.), say "The hungry, sex-crazed tentacle demon in the corner is getting angrier!" each time you do something and the timer hasn't run out for it to attack, then as your death message say that "The hungry, sex-crazed tentacle demon in the corner seems to calm down for a moment, then suddenly attacks! The hungry, sex-crazed tentacle demon in the corner's moth opens, revealing rows of incredibly sharp teeth that look too big to fit in its mouth, a fact which you become incredibly aware of as those same teeth bite you into many many pieces!" Sadly, however, this exact same message would play even if what was attacking was, say, Bart, or a Firby, or a curtain of sencient slime... you get the idea. For added fun, whenever you attack, you have to either throw the offending object at the thing or shoot him with it, and the person or thing always wrythes around before disappearing in a cloud of thick green smoke, which nicely does away with having to deal with dead body objects. This resulted in such golden comedy moments as attempting to give the puse bottle to the naive of hearts before he bites you into a million tiny pieces, resulting in throwing it at him and making him disappear in a cloud of smoke. Uh huh.
Cosmos: Good Grief! Will you stop that? That's way too much background for *one damn line*!
Oniko: He can't help it, he's sitting on the Chair Under the Spotlight (TM).

--

JAKE <Jessica Fletcher>: I don't know about the rest of the world, but Cabot Cove has been quiet lately.

Penfold: From "Murder, She Wrote." If you visited Cabot Cove, Maine, it was to kill someone. If not, you were either the victim or framed for the murder.
Lysander: Fuck *that* place, man. I'm moving to Pleasantville.

--

CHAR: ...then came the Night Wraith brigade and then they overwhelmed the moon frogs and then the Yellow Priest knew he was fucked.

Krinn. Another Lovecraft reference, this time to "The Dream Quest of Unknown Kadath". BTW, it's not 'Night Wraith', it's 'nightgaunt'.

--

Drago addition: Because I believe in giving credit where it's due, and because I'm a smug little bunnydragon:

SDR <Vampyre>: I'm a VAMPYRE!
NNIRK <Abby>: No, I'm a mage, and you're a BOX.

Drago: This is about as obscure as I get. While on the surface, it's a basic Vampire ref, it's actually a reference to a very, VERY specific event. A friend
of a friend of mine apparently was at a hotel one night where a Vampire: The Masquerade LARP was taking place. While in the bathroom, some foolish person
assumed he was part of the game as well and walked up to him, stating, "I'm a VAMPIRE!" My friend's friend, aware of the game in question, replied, "No,
I'm a mage, and you're a box." Even went to the GM and informed him of this, so for the rest of the night the poor sod was a box. Har har.

Posted on Nov 8, 2003, 12:48 AM
from IP address 172.132.10.171

Respond to this message

Return to Index

Editing. AKA deleting every one of Pond's damn comments.

by 20X3 Lainer (no login)

VIPER: I'd like to introduce the President, the President's husband, and her mistress.

Dragomorph: Oy vey, this is hard to explain... I don't know a DANG thing about the movie this is from. I just remember hearing a snippet of it in a commercial
for what I THINK is a movie channel, or something in England. It's actually bastardized to fit the situation. Anybody know? I think it's a National Lampoon
film, or something.

---

DRAGO <Aladdin>: Good teens take off their clothes!

Lainer: I don't know, on the one hand, some people might not get it. On the other hand, if you *haven't* heard of it, you probably haven't been on the internet
long enough.
Sherlock: Really, Lainer. Give them the horrid details. It's basically an Aladdin thing. There was some controversy as to what he was saying in that scene
where Aladdin visits the princess outside her room, and the tiger comes at him. In place of the original line, some people thought the above line could
be heard with a different voice. Never heard it myself. Check the Urban Legends Reference Page.

---
> Jasmine hung her head low ignoring the bidding war, she did not even
> look to see her new master.

ZANDAR <Papa Lazarou>: You're my wife, now.
M: Mozanrath?

Dragomorph: Don't know much 'bout the former, but Mozanrath was a villain from the TV version of Aladdin, and quite possibly the only example of a Disney
villain who can honestly be described as "bish."
Lainer: Oh, hey, I remember him. Mostly because he was the only awesome character Disney made between between Donald Duck and Ron Stoppable.

---
> He has been trying to
> find the secret to imortality.

COSMOS <Ally>: Why doesn't he just use cinnabar, mercury and arsenic?
M <Bob>: He says it disagrees with his stomach.

Dragomorph: Bwa ha. You can TELL I wrote this riff during my Asian History class. Cinnabar, mercury and arsenic is the Daoist formula for immortality. Not
that it WORKED, of course...

---
> "Actually we are here for information, we wanna know where we can find
> Francis Newman Stien." Kaitlin said.

ZANDAR <Asuka>: STIEN!

---

ZANDAR <mob>: Learn to read, motherfucker!
M <Ally>: No, I-
ZANDAR <mob>: I said learn to read! [mimes beating M with a bat]
M <Ally>: I can't- OH GOD!

Chimera: From the www.sixsixfive.com website, a new take on the 'fight against illiteracy' programs.

---

DRAGO <Dave>: And if that stream should become a rushing torrent, a raging cataract, why I shall ford that womanly river...

Chimera: From 'The Kids in the Hall'... Dave talks about how he's the Guy Who's Okay About Menstration, and goes on in exhaustive detail about how he can
handle even the heaviest flows.

---

> Far from camp, in the cold desert night the ghost of the bare wench
> dropped cheryl on the cold rocky ground.

M <ghost>: Crap! Ran out of Pathos. Now where did I leave that Fetter...?

Chimera: What, nobody's played White Wolf's 'Wraith'? In it, you play ghosts, who have Pathos instead of Bloodpool or Rage, they get it from 'Fetters'...
objects, places, or people who tie the ghost to the mortal world.
Cosmos: I find it disturbing that I know this and I haven't played the damn game.

---

DRAGO <professor Schwarr, the root beer drinking man>: Now, Mr. Johnson, if we could discuss those punch cards...

Lysander: Oy. This one's kind of reaching. Its a refference to "Kirby House: the X-child," a text adventure/Interactive Fiction game by Jesse Berneko. The whole thing is basically a big parody on X-files by putting it in a college atmosphere. For example, the cigarette-smoking man becomes Professor Schwar the root beer drinking man. He walks around with two people dressed in suits and sunglasses and basically looking like Matrix agents and forces you to drink drugged root beers. Kinda silly.

---

> in the phoenix sub-urbs...

SDR: Tenchi was hitting on Athena, Sephiroth was working off his community service, and Aki was angsting... *again*.

Lainer: yeah, okay, I'm sorry. I know the thing about injokes, but it just seemed to fit. There's this MUX that I used to frequent called phoenix where
all the characters are from either anime or video games. Needless to say, interesting situations arose.

--

DAVID: But without any miners, you can't get the diamond, and then you can't buy the Runaway Five's freedom, and- [notices others staring] ...never mind.

Dragomorph: Half-assed Earthbound reference. One of the sidequests requires you to get a diamond from some miners who are having problems in their cave.
Incidentally, I am between the second and the fourth best riffer in this group. ^_^

---

NNIRK: Excuse me, creepy narrator, but you've already told us you were pinned with absolutely no possibility of escape. How exactly would you manage to
forfeit your life?
MAX: Simple. Bite his tongue and bleed to death.
SDR: Or use an eyelash and a fingernail.

SD: Okay, I haven't actually /read/ the story in question, but I've seen enough references that I think it's valid. SDR is referring to a Star Trek Mary
Sue; I don't remember if it's original or TNG. I do remember that she was Empathic, Alien, Angsty, and committed suicide after playing matchmaker for the
Captain via - you guessed it - an eyelash and a fingernail.
SD: I'll Google for the reference again eventually, I think.
Chimera: Would it be wrong of me to say that I love watching a woman Google for the reference? Mmm, yeah...
Oniko: Wow. I've heard of Internet fetishes, but this is the first *Internet* fetish I've ever seen.
Cosmos: That's our Chimera for you.

---

> She tried to rationalize it again. Somebody dressed up as a vampyre to
> play a joke on her,

DAVID <Mark Kendall>: I do not look like a vampire!

Lainer: from the early Jim Carrey movie Once Bitten. After Carrey gets turned into a vampire he starts wearing all black clothing, a black trench coat,
and black sunglasses. While he's going to a halloween party with his girlfirend every keeps stopping him and telling him that he has a great vampire costume,
which causes him to respond with the above. It's true too, he looked more like the Terminator.

---

DUB <boy>: My life is dead, my soul is dead, my love is dead, my little cactus I bought in Arizona is dead.

Krinn: This one's mine. Taken from Don Harmon's foreward in Heavy 3P0, a Scud: the Disposable Assassin TPB.

---

DUB: Psh. Put away the Blackfire elemental before Joseph tracks you down, pussy.

Chimera: I'm again surprised nobody got this. Joseph's the hero of the crappy PS2/PC game 'Summoner', he can summon this black burning elemental guy which
the fic reminded me of.

--

> "You telling me. I always have a chill every time he looks at me with
> those eyes. It feels like if those eyes pierced my soul."

LAINER: Kick ass! A soul labret!

Chimera: A labret is a lip piercing. I s'pose I could've also gone with a medusa piercing, but I like the word labret.
Lysander <Hobbs>: I like the word labret. Labret labret labret labret labret labret labret labret. <normal> ...Are we gonna have to make an obscure riffs page for the obscure riffs page? Jesus Christ I hope not.
Lainer: Calvin and Hobbs is obscure now? That's it, the world's no longer worth living in.

--

> I guess that means that he goes to my school.* She noticed that she was shaking
> and stopped.

THIEF <Kyra>: Yeah, that's enough thinking about Samsung in one day.

Penfold: "Samsung means 'to come.'" This was a flash that was linked to on the Ballad a couple months before we started this episode.
Viper: It was a by a Korean woman who apparently felt like Samsung came to her house and screwed her. Literally. I'm sorry I ever posted that link. T_T

--

> "My dad always tells me that I’m just like my grandmother when she was
> twelve Erica," Kyra replied to her best friend.

BRANDT <Kyra>: Want to see the necklace she left me? That's odd, I wonder why it's pointing down the hallway.

Lainer: The resemblances between Kyra and Escaflowne's Hitmomi are made later on in the fic, but I got the first one. Huzzah. This one's refering to Hitomi's
magic necklace that points in the direction of really bad events.

--

> Now that brought whispers from the class. "I wonder if he’ll be able to
> speak Japanese," whispered a boy.

ROBBIE: Yes, but only in his Sailor Soldier form.

Lainer: I took this one from a stupid Sailor Moon fic that I think either Dragomorph or Meagan MSTed. If it wasn't them, then I don't have the slightest idea who did it.
Dragomorph: Doesn't sound like one I did...
Lainer: Okay, in case I can't track down the story, the general plot went like this: Some time between the first and second or second and third seasons a foriegn exchange student enters Usagi's class. The sailor tramps offer to meet her at the airport, where they are instantly attacked by an OMG TOTALLY NEW ENEMY ITS SO ORIGINAL! They get their asses handed to them until a new sailor (Earth or Galaxy or something along those lines) shows up and frags the MotW in a single hit. She then disappears and the kids find the transpher student who, as it so happens, can not speak a word of Japanese. I thought it was the silliest thing ever written, but that was a long time ago.

--

BRANDT: That's one hell of a gaze attack.

Another editing note, and this one's obvious enough that I'm surprised that no one caught it.

Cosmos: Someone want to tell me what the editing note is so I can fix it? 'Cause apparently it's so obvious I'm still missing it.
Lainer: Well, maybe we should hire a technician instead, 'cause Brandt's V-chip is on the fritz.

--

> "I know I’ve sensed it before, but now I forgot where."
>
> "That’s the same with us Kyra," said Kristen.

KAO: These people must be related to Shinnosuke.

Penfold: Shinnosuke is the broom-weilding guardian of Ryugenzawa in Ranma 1/2. His memory holds information almost as well as the average net holds water.

--

LAINER <Kristen>: That's because they don't have women in America, sweetie.
THIEF: Not since O'Neill's Plague, at least.

t.ogre: C'mon! Does *anyone* else realize that Frank Herbert wrote something other than the "Dune" books? It's a reference to "The White Plague." O'Neill sets off a retributive strike after his wife and kids are killed by an IRA bomb via a gender-specific plague. Go find it at your local used bookstore and read it. NOW.

--

LAINER <Kyo>: We must search for "him."
EON <Benitora>: Yes, it could only be "him" behind this.
KAO <Yuya>: But can we really defeat "him?"
BRANDT <Sanada>: We can only hope, for if "he" rises we'll revert to Civil War.
ROBBIE: JUST FUCKING SAY HIS NAME ALREADY!
[Beat.]
LAINER <Kyo>: Yes, "he" is the cause of all this evil.
[ROBBIE seethes.]

Dragomorph: This is mocking the half-assed fansub job in the B-rated anime "Samurai Deeper Kyo," possibly the only anime set in the time of Nobunaga that STILL manages to stuff Tokyo Tower in by the last episode. Basically, for half the show, the characters refer to a "him" without telling us who "he" is, and then even when it's revealed who "he" is, they STILL freaking say "him." Shitty, shitty anime.
Cosmos: In the offical release they translated that as 'The Lord', which is slightly less stupid, I guess.

--

When he heard the

BRANDT: -music years before, but the man there said the music wouldn't play?

> sound,

BRANDT: I was wrong? Nng! I blame you for this! [points a finger at the entrance] Bang!

Chimera: The first bit's actually a music ref to Don McLean's "American Pie". The second bit's just Brandt getting frustrated and blaming the
door to set up another, er, 'joke' I guess we could call it.
Lainer: That's funny, because I could have sworn that there was no door.

--

> Her senses suddenly sensed that presence again and she quickly shot her
> head up again.

T.OGRE: Cracking it against the cabinet, stumbling into the cabinet of dolls, before finally collapsing atop the pile of life-saving junk mail.

Chimera: "The Kids in the Hall", this is Kevin MacDonald's tale of how junk mail saved his life (by stopping the bleeding from his head when he cracked
it on a cabinet by standing up too fast).

--

> Kyra quickly ran to her window and opened it.

LAINER <Clarissa>: Oh, hey Sam.
[A guitar twangs in the background.]

Lainer: From Melissa Joan Hart's first TV show, Clarissa Explains It All. Sam would always, and only, enter the scene by climbing in through Clarissa's
bedroom window. It should be noted that I like this TV show far more than I really should.
t.ogre: Admit it, it's got nothin' to do with the show. It's all about Melissa Joan Hart, ain't it?

--

But it suddenly glowed

T.OGRE: -causing the Matrix-born mirror to stop working. She'd go to see Sparrow in the morning to have it repaired.

Chimera: This is a reference to David Drake's Northworld trilogy. See, these artificers in the Northworld use this sub-universe called the Matrix to craft
things. A glowing magic necklace interfered with the mirror's connection to the Matrix, causing this princess chick to need to see Sparrow to get it fixed.

--

BRANDT: Aaahhh! Its the thing from the end of THE LURKING HORROR! Run for your life before it kills us all!

Krinn: Possible H.P. Lovecraft reference to either the short story "The Lurking Horror" or the movie of the same name.
Lysander: Actually, its to the (surprise, surprise) Infocom Interactive Fiction game. It may be just a IF-translation of the book to IF, I don't know, because I haen't read it, but its entirely possible since that was Infocom's one and only forae into the world of horror. Aaanyway, the "final boss" is this weird huge bird-thing with a lot of very big teeth, which you "defeat" by throwing this red-hot stone at it. Then you pick up the stone and it cracks open, a miniature version of the thing you just killed flitting out and flying away. That's the end. No, I'm not goddamn happy with it either.

--

THIEF: At which point her body launched an infant out the window at Mach 12 who grew old and crash-landed in a grave on the other side of the planet.
ROBBIE: I'm not even going to ask.

Lainer: And Robbie shouldn't have to, since he's probably seen it. Thief's refering to a british Xbox commercial.

--

> As she looked out the window at the lake, she noticed a ripple in the
> surface.

JAKE <Sanford>: Now y'all stop tossin' my wine in the lake!

Penfold: I'm assuming that this Sanford has male progeny, as in "Sanford and Son."
Chimera: Yep. See, Sanford was always drinking Ripple wine...

--

JAKE <sighing>: Geez, John Haloren's surfacing *again*. Doesn't anyone know how to hide a body in a lake anymore?

Lainer: It's a referance to Francis Ford Coppola's first film, Dementia 13.
Penfold: ...I'm not sure I want to know...

--

> It
> pushed its head down inside the tight denim and ran down, splitting her
> jeans open as it moved down her panties.

ICE: Well, it had to do that; to stop her from suffocating.
ONIKO: Yea. If its moment of indecisiveness had caused her to die, then it could never have lived with itself.

Lainer: Yeah, okay, I'm never going to live this one down. This is a referance to the hentai game Nocturnal Illusion. At one point the main character gets attacked by one of his housemates wearing a suit of evil armor. He stops her, but after geting the armor off he finds that she's unconcous. He then removes all of her clothing except her panties under the pretense that they might be preventing her from breathing, but that still doesn't solve anything. If you then choose not to remove her panties, you get text similar to the above. For the record I heard about the game from Sharkey (http://www.solidsharkey.com/nocturnal.html)
and SA (http://somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=466); I've actually never played a Hentai game.
Dragomorph: Suuuure you haven't.
Viper: I have. ^_______^

--

> She cried out and tossed, her eyes closed and face
> flushed, as the three serpent-heads sucked her breasts

GEN: -trying very hard to ignore the fact that Lord Tyler was taking up most of the room.

Chimera: In Heavy Metal 2000, evildoer Tyler sucks on heroine Julie's breasts. It stuck with me because it's the only sex scene in a movie which should've been overflowing with them.

--

> one stretching inside her body from
> that one spot within her,

GEN: -also known as the biological thermonuclear bomb that the alien race hid in her clone body.

Chimera: It's a reference to 'Imposter', a seemingly unknown film with Gary Sinese about a government gone (understandably) mad with paranoia trying to find bio-nukes that aliens hid in artificial humans.
t.ogre: Holy crap. I thought I was the only person that had ever seen that movie.
Chimera: It's like we're twins seperated at birth. Except for the differences in age and racial background and all.
Lainer: What about me? I'm the one that wrote the damn line. Also, the movie was based on a Philip K. Dick short story. And the movie itself was a twenty five minute short with an unneccesary Johnny Mnemonic-esk story thrown in the middle.

--

> and she shrieked as a long serpent thrust up
> between her legs and parted the lips of her vagina.

ONIKO: However, there was already a Remington water-pistol pressed in there by a Dare the lesbian assassin.

Chimera: Dare's from a couple Eric Van Lustbader books, there was one scene where she had sex with another woman using the previously mentioned toy. By the way, she's an assassin who's also a lesbian, not an assassin OF lesbians.
Cosmos: Good to know.

--

ONIKO: If you don't kill him with the one correct object in the game within five turns, he'll keep getting angrier and angrier until he'll appear to calm
down only to rip you to shreds with his oversized teeth. [nods sagely]

Lysander: This is an obtuse referance to the pathetic AI of NPCs in early text based games.
Lainer: Someone is going to have to be the designated driver, because I'm drunk on power.

--

JAKE <Jessica Fletcher>: I don't know about the rest of the world, but Cabot Cove has been quiet lately.

Penfold: From "Murder, She Wrote." If you visited Cabot Cove, Maine, it was to kill someone. If not, you were either the victim or framed for the murder.
Lysander: Fuck *that* place, man. I'm moving to Pleasantville.

--

CHAR: ...then came the Night Wraith brigade and then they overwhelmed the moon frogs and then the Yellow Priest knew he was fucked.

Krinn. Another Lovecraft reference, this time to "The Dream Quest of Unknown Kadath". BTW, it's not 'Night Wraith', it's 'nightgaunt'.

--

Drago addition: Because I believe in giving credit where it's due, and because I'm a smug little bunnydragon:

SDR <Vampyre>: I'm a VAMPYRE!
NNIRK <Abby>: No, I'm a mage, and you're a BOX.

Drago: This is about as obscure as I get. While on the surface, it's a basic Vampire ref, it's actually a reference to a very, VERY specific event. A friend
of a friend of mine apparently was at a hotel one night where a Vampire: The Masquerade LARP was taking place. While in the bathroom, some foolish person
assumed he was part of the game as well and walked up to him, stating, "I'm a VAMPIRE!" My friend's friend, aware of the game in question, replied, "No,
I'm a mage, and you're a box." Even went to the GM and informed him of this, so for the rest of the night the poor sod was a box. Har har.

---

> meanwhile back in the living room...

NNIRK <southern accent>: Operator? Get me room 321, please.

Oniko: Ray Stevens reference. The song "Shriner's Convention" features Bubba trying to contact Coy in said room, and he says that to the operator.
---

DAVID: Maybe I should've just shouted 'HAMMER TIME!'
DUB: ...no. No, you shouldn't. Ever.

Penfold: A reference to MC Hammer that should probably go in the Riffola Musica section. I'll have to agree with dub's response, by the way.
Chimera: Sadly I feel COMPELLED to shout 'HAMMERTIME!' whenever somebody shouts STOP. It's a sickness, I know!

---

> "OH YES OH YEAH."

DUB: That was the best track off the '1977' album! I can see screaming it out during orgasm.

Oniko: A reference to "Oh Yeah," a song on Ash's "1977" album, which was released in... 1996.

---

T.OGRE <Joe C>: Yo, kid! Tell 'em what yer name is!
BRANDT: [bolts to his feet, upsetting EON] My name is BRAAAAAAANNNNN-

Penfold: More Musica. This is the beginning to Kid Rock's "Bawidaba," or something close to it.

--

EON <Andrew>: I've got a feeling. A feeling I can't hide... oh, no.

Sherlock: This has to be the fourth or fifth Beatles ref that I've been able to get before anyone else. It's the song "I've Got a Feeling."

--

BRANDT: Because Der Kommisar's in town.
ALL <nodding sagely>: Whoa-oooh.

Chimera: Man, I disguised a LOT of music riffs as normal ones, didn't I?
t.ogre: Duh. Who didn't move this over to the music riffs page? It's "Der Kommisar" by the late Falco.
Chimera: To our fans (Hello to both of you), the guy who makes the Musica page just hits 'Find' and type in 'singing'. This has been a Behind the Scenes look at Quasispace. Don't forget to describe it to your psychiatrist.

Posted on Nov 8, 2003, 3:54 AM
from IP address 64.166.22.216

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Just the one riff [and a hamfisted attempt at summarizing Lysander].

by Idiotbox (no login)

VIPER: I'd like to introduce the President, the President's husband, and her mistress.

Dragomorph: Oy vey, this is hard to explain... I don't know a DANG thing about the movie this is from. I just remember hearing a snippet of it in a commercial
for what I THINK is a movie channel, or something in England. It's actually bastardized to fit the situation. Anybody know? I think it's a National Lampoon
film, or something.

---

DRAGO <Aladdin>: Good teens take off their clothes!

Lainer: I don't know, on the one hand, some people might not get it. On the other hand, if you *haven't* heard of it, you probably haven't been on the internet
long enough.
Sherlock: Really, Lainer. Give them the horrid details. It's basically an Aladdin thing. There was some controversy as to what he was saying in that scene
where Aladdin visits the princess outside her room, and the tiger comes at him. In place of the original line, some people thought the above line could
be heard with a different voice. Never heard it myself. Check the Urban Legends Reference Page.

---
> Jasmine hung her head low ignoring the bidding war, she did not even
> look to see her new master.

ZANDAR <Papa Lazarou>: You're my wife, now.
M: Mozanrath?

Dragomorph: Don't know much 'bout the former, but Mozanrath was a villain from the TV version of Aladdin, and quite possibly the only example of a Disney
villain who can honestly be described as "bish."
Idiotbox: Wow, my first MST and I manage a riff that apparently no one else can get. I guess I should be proud of myself. Anyway, this would be a reference to a quaint little British comedy called the League of Gentlemen. Specifically, its a reference to the first episode of the second series when the circus comes to town. Papa Lazarou was the circus owner who kidnapped women.

---
> He has been trying to
> find the secret to imortality.

COSMOS <Ally>: Why doesn't he just use cinnabar, mercury and arsenic?
M <Bob>: He says it disagrees with his stomach.

Dragomorph: Bwa ha. You can TELL I wrote this riff during my Asian History class. Cinnabar, mercury and arsenic is the Daoist formula for immortality. Not
that it WORKED, of course...

---

M: No, that's a fake dick. *That's* a wrap.
[M points to a mass of fruit salad held together with Glad Wrap, marching around
the tank. It holds a sign reading, "Get the fuck off my house. Bitch."]

Viper: This? Oh, this! This is just one of my mind pukes. Dismiss with a chuckle. ^_^

---
> "Actually we are here for information, we wanna know where we can find
> Francis Newman Stien." Kaitlin said.

ZANDAR <Asuka>: STIEN!

---

ZANDAR <mob>: Learn to read, motherfucker!
M <Ally>: No, I-
ZANDAR <mob>: I said learn to read! [mimes beating M with a bat]
M <Ally>: I can't- OH GOD!

Chimera: From the www.sixsixfive.com website, a new take on the 'fight against illiteracy' programs.

---

DRAGO <Dave>: And if that stream should become a rushing torrent, a raging cataract, why I shall ford that womanly river...

Chimera: From 'The Kids in the Hall'... Dave talks about how he's the Guy Who's Okay About Menstration, and goes on in exhaustive detail about how he can
handle even the heaviest flows.

---

> Ally gets three more wishes!

DRAGO <Ally>: How about... a beer mug that never runs out of beer?
M <genie>: Your wish is my command.
[DRAGO mimes picking up and drinking a beer mug]
DRAGO <Ally>: Hmm, this is pretty good. How about two more of these?

Lainer: I'm not sure if this counts as obscure, but I'm going to tell you about it anyways. FOX's children's programing segment used to have a quartly magazine
that was sent to subscibers, and they'd have some sort of original comic based on whatever shows were on at that time. Well, in one issue they had a comic
for Mad Jack the Pirate where Jack and his first mate Snuk were trapped in the middle of a desert. Snuk found a genie's bottle, and the above situation
took place. Needless to say, Jack looked about ready to turn Snuk into two half Snuks after the end of the comic.

---

> Far from camp, in the cold desert night the ghost of the bare wench
> dropped cheryl on the cold rocky ground.

M <ghost>: Crap! Ran out of Pathos. Now where did I leave that Fetter...?

Chimera: What, nobody's played White Wolf's 'Wraith'? In it, you play ghosts, who have Pathos instead of Bloodpool or Rage, they get it from 'Fetters'...
objects, places, or people who tie the ghost to the mortal world.
Cosmos: I find it disturbing that I know this and I haven't played the damn game.

---

DRAGO <professor Schwarr, the root beer drinking man>: Now, Mr. Johnson, if we could discuss those punch cards...

Lysander: Oy. This one's kind of reaching. Its a reference to "Kirby House: the X-child," a text adventure/Interactive Fiction game by Jesse Berneko.

---

> in the phoenix sub-urbs...

SDR: Tenchi was hitting on Athena, Sephiroth was working off his community service, and Aki was angsting... *again*.

Lainer: yeah, okay, I'm sorry. I know the thing about injokes, but it just seemed to fit. There's this MUX that I used to frequent called phoenix where
all the characters are from either anime or video games. Needless to say, interesting situations arose.

---

> meanwhile back in the living room...

NNIRK <southern accent>: Operator? Get me room 321, please.

Oniko: Ray Stevens reference. The song "Shriner's Convention" features Bubba trying to contact Coy in said room, and he says that to the operator.

---

DAVID: Maybe I should've just shouted 'HAMMER TIME!'
DUB: ...no. No, you shouldn't. Ever.

Penfold: A reference to MC Hammer that should probably go in the Riffola Musica section. I'll have to agree with dub's response, by the way.
Chimera: Sadly I feel COMPELLED to shout 'HAMMERTIME!' whenever somebody shouts STOP. It's a sickness, I know!

---

> "OH YES OH YEAH."

DUB: That was the best track off the '1977' album! I can see screaming it out during orgasm.

Oniko: A reference to "Oh Yeah," a song on Ash's "1977" album, which was released in... 1996.

---

DAVID: But without any miners, you can't get the diamond, and then you can't buy the Runaway Five's freedom, and- [notices others staring] ...never mind.

Dragomorph: Half-assed Earthbound reference. One of the sidequests requires you to get a diamond from some miners who are having problems in their cave.
Incidentally, I am between the second and the fourth best riffer in this group. ^_^

---

NNIRK: Excuse me, creepy narrator, but you've already told us you were pinned with absolutely no possibility of escape. How exactly would you manage to
forfeit your life?
MAX: Simple. Bite his tongue and bleed to death.
SDR: Or use an eyelash and a fingernail.

SD: Okay, I haven't actually /read/ the story in question, but I've seen enough references that I think it's valid. SDR is referring to a Star Trek Mary
Sue; I don't remember if it's original or TNG. I do remember that she was Empathic, Alien, Angsty, and committed suicide after playing matchmaker for the
Captain via - you guessed it - an eyelash and a fingernail.
SD: I'll Google for the reference again eventually, I think.
Chimera: Would it be wrong of me to say that I love watching a woman Google for the reference? Mmm, yeah...
Oniko: Wow. I've heard of Internet fetishes, but this is the first *Internet* fetish I've ever seen.
Cosmos: That's our Chimera for you.

---

> She tried to rationalize it again. Somebody dressed up as a vampyre to
> play a joke on her,

DAVID <Mark Kendall>: I do not look like a vampire!

Lainer: from the early Jim Carrey movie Once Bitten. After Carrey gets turned into a vampire he starts wearing all black clothing, a black trench coat,
and black sunglasses. While he's going to a halloween party with his girlfirend every keeps stopping him and telling him that he has a great vampire costume,
which causes him to respond with the above. It's true too, he looked more like the Terminator.

---

DUB <boy>: My life is dead, my soul is dead, my love is dead, my little cactus I bought in Arizona is dead.

Krinn: This one's mine. Taken from Don Harmon's foreward in Heavy 3P0, a Scud: the Disposable Assassin TPB.

---

DUB: Psh. Put away the Blackfire elemental before Joseph tracks you down, pussy.

Chimera: I'm again surprised nobody got this. Joseph's the hero of the crappy PS2/PC game 'Summoner', he can summon this black burning elemental guy which
the fic reminded me of.

---

T.OGRE <Joe C>: Yo, kid! Tell 'em what yer name is!
BRANDT: [bolts to his feet, upsetting EON] My name is BRAAAAAAANNNNN-

Penfold: More Musica. This is the beginning to Kid Rock's "Bawidaba," or something close to it.

--

> "You telling me. I always have a chill every time he looks at me with
> those eyes. It feels like if those eyes pierced my soul."

LAINER: Kick ass! A soul labret!

Chimera: A labret is a lip piercing. I s'pose I could've also gone with a medusa piercing, but I like the word labret.

--

EON <Andrew>: I've got a feeling. A feeling I can't hide... oh, no.

Sherlock: This has to be the fourth or fifth Beatles ref that I've been able to get before anyone else. It's the song "I've Got a Feeling."

--

> I guess that means that he goes to my school.* She noticed that she was shaking
> and stopped.

THIEF <Kyra>: Yeah, that's enough thinking about Samsung in one day.

Penfold: "Samsung means 'to come.'" This was a flash that was linked to on the Ballad a couple months before we started this episode.
Viper: It was a by a Korean woman who apparently felt like Samsung came to her house and screwed her. Literally. I'm sorry I ever posted that link. T_T
Chimera: Actually, I never saw your link... so don't feel TOO responsible. Also, you better cut back on those faces before we call you Emoticoboy.

--

> "My dad always tells me that I’m just like my grandmother when she was
> twelve Erica," Kyra replied to her best friend.

BRANDT <Kyra>: Want to see the necklace she left me? That's odd, I wonder why it's pointing down the hallway.

Lainer: The resemblances between Kyra and Escaflowne's Hitmomi are made later on in the fic, but I got the first one. Huzzah. This one's refering to Hitomi's
magic necklace that points in the direction of really bad events.

--

> Now that brought whispers from the class. "I wonder if he’ll be able to
> speak Japanese," whispered a boy.

ROBBIE: Yes, but only in his Sailor Soldier form.

Lainer: I took this one from a stupid Sailor Moon fic that I think either Dragomorph or Meagan MSTed. If it wasn't them, then I don't have the slightest idea who did it.
Dragomorph: Doesn't sound like one I did...

--

BRANDT: That's one hell of a gaze attack.

Another editing note, and this one's obvious enough that I'm surprised that no one caught it.

Viper: ...Pokemon?
Krinn: ...D&D reference?
t.ogre: Hell, if Chimera wrote it, it's probably a Constantine or Preacher ref. Speaking of which, Chimmie, Keanu is playing John Constantine. Movie goes into production in January.
Chimera: Now now, I've restrained myself to a maximum of two of each per episode, and I only did ONE this time- Wait, did you say fucking Keanu? [slits his wrists]
Cosmos: Someone want to tell me what the editing note is so I can fix it? 'Cause apparently it's so obvious I'm still missing it.

--

BRANDT: Because Der Kommisar's in town.
ALL <nodding sagely>: Whoa-oooh.

Chimera: Man, I disguised a LOT of music riffs as normal ones, didn't I?
t.ogre: Duh. Who didn't move this over to the music riffs page? It's "Der Kommisar" by the late Falco.
Chimera: To our fans (Hello to both of you), the guy who makes the Musica page just hits 'Find' and type in 'singing'. This has been a Behind the Scenes look at Quasispace. Don't forget to describe it to your psychiatrist.

--

> "I know I’ve sensed it before, but now I forgot where."
>
> "That’s the same with us Kyra," said Kristen.

KAO: These people must be related to Shinnosuke.

Penfold: Shinnosuke is the broom-weilding guardian of Ryugenzawa in Ranma 1/2. His memory holds information almost as well as the average net holds water.

--

LAINER <Kristen>: That's because they don't have women in America, sweetie.
THIEF: Not since O'Neill's Plague, at least.

t.ogre: C'mon! Does *anyone* else realize that Frank Herbert wrote something other than the "Dune" books? It's a reference to "The White Plague." O'Neill sets off a retributive strike after his wife and kids are killed by an IRA bomb via a gender-specific plague. Go find it at your local used bookstore and read it. NOW.

--

LAINER <Kyo>: We must search for "him."
EON <Benitora>: Yes, it could only be "him" behind this.
KAO <Yuya>: But can we really defeat "him?"
BRANDT <Sanada>: We can only hope, for if "he" rises we'll revert to Civil War.
ROBBIE: JUST FUCKING SAY HIS NAME ALREADY!
[Beat.]
LAINER <Kyo>: Yes, "he" is the cause of all this evil.
[ROBBIE seethes.]

Dragomorph: This is mocking the half-assed fansub job in the B-rated anime "Samurai Deeper Kyo," possibly the only anime set in the time of Nobunaga that STILL manages to stuff Tokyo Tower in by the last episode. Basically, for half the show, the characters refer to a "him" without telling us who "he" is, and then even when it's revealed who "he" is, they STILL freaking say "him." Shitty, shitty anime.
Cosmos: In the offical release they translated that as 'The Lord', which is slightly less stupid, I guess.

--

When he heard the

BRANDT: -music years before, but the man there said the music wouldn't play?

> sound,

BRANDT: I was wrong? Nng! I blame you for this! [points a finger at the entrance] Bang!

Chimera: The first bit's actually a music ref to Don McLean's "The Day the Music Died". The second bit's just Brandt getting frustrated and blaming the
door to set up another, er, 'joke' I guess we could call it.
[BUZZZZ!]
Sherlock: Don McLean's song is called "American Pie." Bitch.
Chimera: Haha! I'm just too lazy to look it up. Thanks for doing my work, sucka.

--

> Her senses suddenly sensed that presence again and she quickly shot her
> head up again.

T.OGRE: Cracking it against the cabinet, stumbling into the cabinet of dolls, before finally collapsing atop the pile of life-saving junk mail.

Lainer: The junk mail might be throwing me off, but isn't this how you save the Babblefish in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy game?
Chimera: Nope. "The Kids in the Hall", this is Kevin MacDonald's tale of how junk mail saved his life (by stopping the bleeding from his head when he cracked
it on a cabinet by standing up too fast). Fun guess though.

--

> Kyra quickly ran to her window and opened it.

LAINER <Clarissa>: Oh, hey Sam.
[A guitar twangs in the background.]

Lainer: From Melissa Joan Hart's first TV show, Clarissa Explains It All. Sam would always, and only, enter the scene by climbing in through Clarissa's
bedroom window. It should be noted that I like this TV show far more than I really should.
t.ogre: Admit it, it's got nothin' to do with the show. It's all about Melissa Joan Hart, ain't it?

--

But it suddenly glowed

T.OGRE: -causing the Matrix-born mirror to stop working. She'd go to see Sparrow in the morning to have it repaired.

Chimera: This is a reference to David Drake's Northworld trilogy. See, these artificers in the Northworld use this sub-universe called the Matrix to craft
things. A glowing magic necklace interfered with the mirror's connection to the Matrix, causing this princess chick to need to see Sparrow to get it fixed.

--

BRANDT: Aaahhh! Its the thing from the end of THE LURKING HORROR! Run for your life before it kills us all!

Krinn: Possible H.P. Lovecraft reference to either the short story "The Lurking Horror" or the movie of the same name.
Idiotbox: Or, as Lysander pointed out in too many words, its referring to the Interactive Fiction game.

--

THIEF: At which point her body launched an infant out the window at Mach 12 who grew old and crash-landed in a grave on the other side of the planet.
ROBBIE: I'm not even going to ask.

Lainer: And Robbie shouldn't have to, since he's probably seen it. Thief's refering to a british Xbox commercial.

--

> As she looked out the window at the lake, she noticed a ripple in the
> surface.

JAKE <Sanford>: Now y'all stop tossin' my wine in the lake!

Penfold: I'm assuming that this Sanford has male progeny, as in "Sanford and Son."
Chimera: Yep. See, Sanford was always drinking Ripple wine...

--

JAKE <sighing>: Geez, John Haloren's surfacing *again*. Doesn't anyone know how to hide a body in a lake anymore?

Lainer: It's a referance to Francis Ford Coppola's first film, Dementia 13.
Penfold: ...I'm not sure I want to know...

--

CHAR <looking at the magazine>: Seems like transparent miniskirts are in, and women's rights are out. What a surprise.

Lainer: At the time I wrote that, miniskirts with transperant butts were apparently all the rage in Japan.

--

> It
> pushed its head down inside the tight denim and ran down, splitting her
> jeans open as it moved down her panties.

ICE: Well, it had to do that; to stop her from suffocating.
ONIKO: Yea. If its moment of indecisiveness had caused her to die, then it could never have lived with itself.

Lainer: Yeah, okay, I'm never going to live this one down. This is a referance to the hentai game Nocturnal Illusion. At one point the main character gets attacked by one of his housemates wearing a suit of evil armor. He stops her, but after geting the armor off he finds that she's unconcous. He then removes all of her clothing except her panties under the pretense that they might be preventing her from breathing, but that still doesn't solve anything. If you then choose not to remove her panties, you get text similar to the above. For the record I heard about the game from Sharkey (http://www.solidsharkey.com/nocturnal.html)
and SA (http://somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=466); I've actually never played a Hentai game.
Dragomorph: Suuuure you haven't.
Viper: I have. ^_______^

--

> She cried out and tossed, her eyes closed and face
> flushed, as the three serpent-heads sucked her breasts

GEN: -trying very hard to ignore the fact that Lord Tyler was taking up most of the room.

Chimera: In Heavy Metal 2000, evildoer Tyler sucks on heroine Julie's breasts. It stuck with me because it's the only sex scene in a movie which should've been overflowing with them.

--

> one stretching inside her body from
> that one spot within her,

GEN: -also known as the biological thermonuclear bomb that the alien race hid in her clone body.

Penfold: Is the the "Jean Bomb" (that ain't a typo) from Uncanny X-Men?
Chimera: Nope. It's a reference to 'Imposter', a seemingly unknown film with Gary Sinese about a government gone (understandably) mad with paranoia trying to find bio-nukes that aliens hid in artificial humans.
t.ogre: Holy crap. I thought I was the only person that had ever seen that movie.
Chimera: It's like we're twins seperated at birth. Except for the differences in age and racial background and all.

--

> and she shrieked as a long serpent thrust up
> between her legs and parted the lips of her vagina.

ONIKO: However, there was already a Remington water-pistol pressed in there by a Dare the lesbian assassin.

Chimera: Dare's from a couple Eric Van Lustbader books, there was one scene where she had sex with another woman using the previously mentioned toy. By the way, she's an assassin who's also a lesbian, not an assassin OF lesbians.
Cosmos: Good to know.

--

ONIKO: If you don't kill him with the one correct object in the game within five turns, he'll keep getting angrier and angrier until he'll appear to calm
down only to rip you to shreds with his oversized teeth. [nods sagely]

Idiotbox: In a nutshell, its apparently a reference to the Adventure Game Toolkit. That's as much as I could get out of Lysander's rambling.

--

JAKE <Jessica Fletcher>: I don't know about the rest of the world, but Cabot Cove has been quiet lately.

Penfold: From "Murder, She Wrote." If you visited Cabot Cove, Maine, it was to kill someone. If not, you were either the victim or framed for the murder.

--

CHAR: ...then came the Night Wraith brigade and then they overwhelmed the moon frogs and then the Yellow Priest knew he was fucked.

Krinn. Another Lovecraft reference, this time to "The Dream Quest of Unknown Kadath". BTW, it's not 'Night Wraith', it's 'nightgaunt'.

--

Drago addition: Because I believe in giving credit where it's due, and because I'm a smug little bunnydragon:

SDR <Vampyre>: I'm a VAMPYRE!
NNIRK <Abby>: No, I'm a mage, and you're a BOX.

Drago: This is about as obscure as I get. While on the surface, it's a basic Vampire ref, it's actually a reference to a very, VERY specific event. A friend
of a friend of mine apparently was at a hotel one night where a Vampire: The Masquerade LARP was taking place. While in the bathroom, some foolish person
assumed he was part of the game as well and walked up to him, stating, "I'm a VAMPIRE!" My friend's friend, aware of the game in question, replied, "No,
I'm a mage, and you're a box." Even went to the GM and informed him of this, so for the rest of the night the poor sod was a box. Har har.

-

[Also, if you'll excuse me for a moment, I think I need to do some venting at Lysander:

You talk WAY too much. On top of that, your still not paying attention to your *fucking* spelling. I mean, can it really be that hard to use a spellchecker for once in your miserable life? And while I'm on a tangent, did you take anything away from that asskicking Wanderer and Shade gave you a while back? Because, at least from where I stand, you haven't changed much.]

Posted on Nov 8, 2003, 4:31 AM
from IP address 213.249.179.14

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Merged. And could someone *coughLainercough* move the music riffs into the Riffola Musica?

by Cosmos (no login)

VIPER: I'd like to introduce the President, the President's husband, and her mistress.

Dragomorph: Oy vey, this is hard to explain... I don't know a DANG thing about the movie this is from. I just remember hearing a snippet of it in a commercial
for what I THINK is a movie channel, or something in England. It's actually bastardized to fit the situation. Anybody know? I think it's a National Lampoon
film, or something.

---

DRAGO <Aladdin>: Good teens take off their clothes!

Lainer: I don't know, on the one hand, some people might not get it. On the other hand, if you *haven't* heard of it, you probably haven't been on the internet
long enough.
Sherlock: Really, Lainer. Give them the horrid details. It's basically an Aladdin thing. There was some controversy as to what he was saying in that scene
where Aladdin visits the princess outside her room, and the tiger comes at him. In place of the original line, some people thought the above line could
be heard with a different voice. Never heard it myself. Check the Urban Legends Reference Page.

---
> Jasmine hung her head low ignoring the bidding war, she did not even
> look to see her new master.

ZANDAR <Papa Lazarou>: You're my wife, now.
M: Mozanrath?

Dragomorph: Don't know much 'bout the former, but Mozanrath was a villain from the TV version of Aladdin, and quite possibly the only example of a Disney
villain who can honestly be described as "bish."
Lainer: Oh, hey, I remember him. Mostly because he was the only awesome character Disney made between between Donald Duck and Ron Stoppable.
Idiotbox: Wow, my first MST and I manage a riff that apparently no one else can get. I guess I should be proud of myself. Anyway, this would be a reference to a quaint little British comedy called the League of Gentlemen. Specifically, its a reference to the first episode of the second series when the circus comes to town. Papa Lazarou was the circus owner who kidnapped women.

---
> He has been trying to
> find the secret to imortality.

COSMOS <Ally>: Why doesn't he just use cinnabar, mercury and arsenic?
M <Bob>: He says it disagrees with his stomach.

Dragomorph: Bwa ha. You can TELL I wrote this riff during my Asian History class. Cinnabar, mercury and arsenic is the Daoist formula for immortality. Not
that it WORKED, of course...

---

> "Actually we are here for information, we wanna know where we can find
> Francis Newman Stien." Kaitlin said.

ZANDAR <Asuka>: STIEN!

---

ZANDAR <mob>: Learn to read, motherfucker!
M <Ally>: No, I-
ZANDAR <mob>: I said learn to read! [mimes beating M with a bat]
M <Ally>: I can't- OH GOD!

Chimera: From the www.sixsixfive.com website, a new take on the 'fight against illiteracy' programs.

---

DRAGO <Dave>: And if that stream should become a rushing torrent, a raging cataract, why I shall ford that womanly river...

Chimera: From 'The Kids in the Hall'... Dave talks about how he's the Guy Who's Okay About Menstration, and goes on in exhaustive detail about how he can
handle even the heaviest flows.

---

> Far from camp, in the cold desert night the ghost of the bare wench
> dropped cheryl on the cold rocky ground.

M <ghost>: Crap! Ran out of Pathos. Now where did I leave that Fetter...?

Chimera: What, nobody's played White Wolf's 'Wraith'? In it, you play ghosts, who have Pathos instead of Bloodpool or Rage, they get it from 'Fetters'...
objects, places, or people who tie the ghost to the mortal world.
Cosmos: I find it disturbing that I know this and I haven't played the damn game.

---

DRAGO <professor Schwarr, the root beer drinking man>: Now, Mr. Johnson, if we could discuss those punch cards...

Lysander: Oy. This one's kind of reaching. Its a refference to "Kirby House: the X-child," a text adventure/Interactive Fiction game by Jesse Berneko. The whole thing is basically a big parody on X-files by putting it in a college atmosphere. For example, the cigarette-smoking man becomes Professor Schwar the root beer drinking man. He walks around with two people dressed in suits and sunglasses and basically looking like Matrix agents and forces you to drink drugged root beers. Kinda silly.

---

> in the phoenix sub-urbs...

SDR: Tenchi was hitting on Athena, Sephiroth was working off his community service, and Aki was angsting... *again*.

Lainer: yeah, okay, I'm sorry. I know the thing about injokes, but it just seemed to fit. There's this MUX that I used to frequent called phoenix where
all the characters are from either anime or video games. Needless to say, interesting situations arose.

--

DAVID: But without any miners, you can't get the diamond, and then you can't buy the Runaway Five's freedom, and- [notices others staring] ...never mind.

Dragomorph: Half-assed Earthbound reference. One of the sidequests requires you to get a diamond from some miners who are having problems in their cave.
Incidentally, I am between the second and the fourth best riffer in this group. ^_^

---

NNIRK: Excuse me, creepy narrator, but you've already told us you were pinned with absolutely no possibility of escape. How exactly would you manage to
forfeit your life?
MAX: Simple. Bite his tongue and bleed to death.
SDR: Or use an eyelash and a fingernail.

SD: Okay, I haven't actually /read/ the story in question, but I've seen enough references that I think it's valid. SDR is referring to a Star Trek Mary
Sue; I don't remember if it's original or TNG. I do remember that she was Empathic, Alien, Angsty, and committed suicide after playing matchmaker for the
Captain via - you guessed it - an eyelash and a fingernail.
SD: I'll Google for the reference again eventually, I think.
Chimera: Would it be wrong of me to say that I love watching a woman Google for the reference? Mmm, yeah...
Oniko: Wow. I've heard of Internet fetishes, but this is the first *Internet* fetish I've ever seen.
Cosmos: That's our Chimera for you.

---

> She tried to rationalize it again. Somebody dressed up as a vampyre to
> play a joke on her,

DAVID <Mark Kendall>: I do not look like a vampire!

Lainer: from the early Jim Carrey movie Once Bitten. After Carrey gets turned into a vampire he starts wearing all black clothing, a black trench coat,
and black sunglasses. While he's going to a halloween party with his girlfirend every keeps stopping him and telling him that he has a great vampire costume,
which causes him to respond with the above. It's true too, he looked more like the Terminator.

---

DUB <boy>: My life is dead, my soul is dead, my love is dead, my little cactus I bought in Arizona is dead.

Krinn: This one's mine. Taken from Don Harmon's foreward in Heavy 3P0, a Scud: the Disposable Assassin TPB.

---

DUB: Psh. Put away the Blackfire elemental before Joseph tracks you down, pussy.

Chimera: I'm again surprised nobody got this. Joseph's the hero of the crappy PS2/PC game 'Summoner', he can summon this black burning elemental guy which
the fic reminded me of.

--

> "You telling me. I always have a chill every time he looks at me with
> those eyes. It feels like if those eyes pierced my soul."

LAINER: Kick ass! A soul labret!

Chimera: A labret is a lip piercing. I s'pose I could've also gone with a medusa piercing, but I like the word labret.

--

> I guess that means that he goes to my school.* She noticed that she was shaking
> and stopped.

THIEF <Kyra>: Yeah, that's enough thinking about Samsung in one day.

Penfold: "Samsung means 'to come.'" This was a flash that was linked to on the Ballad a couple months before we started this episode.
Viper: It was a by a Korean woman who apparently felt like Samsung came to her house and screwed her. Literally. I'm sorry I ever posted that link. T_T
Chimera: Actually, I never saw your link... so don't feel TOO responsible. Also, you better cut back on those faces before we call you Emoticoboy.

--

> "My dad always tells me that I’m just like my grandmother when she was
> twelve Erica," Kyra replied to her best friend.

BRANDT <Kyra>: Want to see the necklace she left me? That's odd, I wonder why it's pointing down the hallway.

Lainer: The resemblances between Kyra and Escaflowne's Hitmomi are made later on in the fic, but I got the first one. Huzzah. This one's refering to Hitomi's
magic necklace that points in the direction of really bad events.

--

> Now that brought whispers from the class. "I wonder if he’ll be able to
> speak Japanese," whispered a boy.

ROBBIE: Yes, but only in his Sailor Soldier form.

Lainer: I took this one from a stupid Sailor Moon fic that I think either Dragomorph or Meagan MSTed. If it wasn't them, then I don't have the slightest idea who did it.
Dragomorph: Doesn't sound like one I did...
Lainer: Okay, in case I can't track down the story, the general plot went like this: Some time between the first and second or second and third seasons a foriegn exchange student enters Usagi's class. The sailor tramps offer to meet her at the airport, where they are instantly attacked by an OMG TOTALLY NEW ENEMY ITS SO ORIGINAL! They get their asses handed to them until a new sailor (Earth or Galaxy or something along those lines) shows up and frags the MotW in a single hit. She then disappears and the kids find the transfer student who, as it so happens, can not speak a word of Japanese. I thought it was the silliest thing ever written, but that was a long time ago.

--

> "I know I’ve sensed it before, but now I forgot where."
>
> "That’s the same with us Kyra," said Kristen.

KAO: These people must be related to Shinnosuke.

Penfold: Shinnosuke is the broom-weilding guardian of Ryugenzawa in Ranma 1/2. His memory holds information almost as well as the average net holds water.

--

LAINER <Kristen>: That's because they don't have women in America, sweetie.
THIEF: Not since O'Neill's Plague, at least.

t.ogre: C'mon! Does *anyone* else realize that Frank Herbert wrote something other than the "Dune" books? It's a reference to "The White Plague." O'Neill sets off a retributive strike after his wife and kids are killed by an IRA bomb via a gender-specific plague. Go find it at your local used bookstore and read it. NOW.

--

LAINER <Kyo>: We must search for "him."
EON <Benitora>: Yes, it could only be "him" behind this.
KAO <Yuya>: But can we really defeat "him?"
BRANDT <Sanada>: We can only hope, for if "he" rises we'll revert to Civil War.
ROBBIE: JUST FUCKING SAY HIS NAME ALREADY!
[Beat.]
LAINER <Kyo>: Yes, "he" is the cause of all this evil.
[ROBBIE seethes.]

Dragomorph: This is mocking the half-assed fansub job in the B-rated anime "Samurai Deeper Kyo," possibly the only anime set in the time of Nobunaga that STILL manages to stuff Tokyo Tower in by the last episode. Basically, for half the show, the characters refer to a "him" without telling us who "he" is, and then even when it's revealed who "he" is, they STILL freaking say "him." Shitty, shitty anime.
Cosmos: In the offical release they translated that as 'The Lord', which is slightly less stupid, I guess.

--

When he heard the

BRANDT: -music years before, but the man there said the music wouldn't play?

> sound,

BRANDT: I was wrong? Nng! I blame you for this! [points a finger at the entrance] Bang!

Chimera: The first bit's actually a music ref to Don McLean's "The Day the Music Died". The second bit's just Brandt getting frustrated and blaming the door to set up another, er, 'joke' I guess we could call it.
[BUZZZZ!]
Sherlock: Don McLean's song is called "American Pie." Bitch.
Chimera: Haha! I'm just too lazy to look it up. Thanks for doing my work, sucka.
Lainer: That's funny, because I could have sworn that there was no door.

--

> Her senses suddenly sensed that presence again and she quickly shot her
> head up again.

T.OGRE: Cracking it against the cabinet, stumbling into the cabinet of dolls, before finally collapsing atop the pile of life-saving junk mail.

Chimera: "The Kids in the Hall", this is Kevin MacDonald's tale of how junk mail saved his life (by stopping the bleeding from his head when he cracked
it on a cabinet by standing up too fast).

--

> Kyra quickly ran to her window and opened it.

LAINER <Clarissa>: Oh, hey Sam.
[A guitar twangs in the background.]

Lainer: From Melissa Joan Hart's first TV show, Clarissa Explains It All. Sam would always, and only, enter the scene by climbing in through Clarissa's
bedroom window. It should be noted that I like this TV show far more than I really should.
t.ogre: Admit it, it's got nothin' to do with the show. It's all about Melissa Joan Hart, ain't it?

--

But it suddenly glowed

T.OGRE: -causing the Matrix-born mirror to stop working. She'd go to see Sparrow in the morning to have it repaired.

Chimera: This is a reference to David Drake's Northworld trilogy. See, these artificers in the Northworld use this sub-universe called the Matrix to craft
things. A glowing magic necklace interfered with the mirror's connection to the Matrix, causing this princess chick to need to see Sparrow to get it fixed.

--

BRANDT: Aaahhh! Its the thing from the end of THE LURKING HORROR! Run for your life before it kills us all!

Krinn: Possible H.P. Lovecraft reference to either the short story "The Lurking Horror" or the movie of the same name.
Lysander: Actually, its to the (surprise, surprise) Infocom Interactive Fiction game. It may be just a IF-translation of the book to IF, I don't know, because I haen't read it, but its entirely possible since that was Infocom's one and only foray into the world of horror. Aaanyway, the "final boss" is this weird huge bird-thing with a lot of very big teeth, which you "defeat" by throwing this red-hot stone at it. Then you pick up the stone and it cracks open, a miniature version of the thing you just killed flitting out and flying away. That's the end. No, I'm not goddamn happy with it either.

--

THIEF: At which point her body launched an infant out the window at Mach 12 who grew old and crash-landed in a grave on the other side of the planet.
ROBBIE: I'm not even going to ask.

Lainer: And Robbie shouldn't have to, since he's probably seen it. Thief's refering to a british Xbox commercial.

--

> As she looked out the window at the lake, she noticed a ripple in the
> surface.

JAKE <Sanford>: Now y'all stop tossin' my wine in the lake!

Penfold: I'm assuming that this Sanford has male progeny, as in "Sanford and Son."
Chimera: Yep. See, Sanford was always drinking Ripple wine...

--

JAKE <sighing>: Geez, John Haloren's surfacing *again*. Doesn't anyone know how to hide a body in a lake anymore?

Lainer: It's a referance to Francis Ford Coppola's first film, Dementia 13.
Penfold: ...I'm not sure I want to know...

--

> It
> pushed its head down inside the tight denim and ran down, splitting her
> jeans open as it moved down her panties.

ICE: Well, it had to do that; to stop her from suffocating.
ONIKO: Yea. If its moment of indecisiveness had caused her to die, then it could never have lived with itself.

Lainer: Yeah, okay, I'm never going to live this one down. This is a referance to the hentai game Nocturnal Illusion. At one point the main character gets attacked by one of his housemates wearing a suit of evil armor. He stops her, but after geting the armor off he finds that she's unconcous. He then removes all of her clothing except her panties under the pretense that they might be preventing her from breathing, but that still doesn't solve anything. If you then choose not to remove her panties, you get text similar to the above. For the record I heard about the game from Sharkey (http://www.solidsharkey.com/nocturnal.html)
and SA (http://somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=466); I've actually never played a Hentai game.
Dragomorph: Suuuure you haven't.
Viper: I have. ^_______^

--

> She cried out and tossed, her eyes closed and face
> flushed, as the three serpent-heads sucked her breasts

GEN: -trying very hard to ignore the fact that Lord Tyler was taking up most of the room.

Chimera: In Heavy Metal 2000, evildoer Tyler sucks on heroine Julie's breasts. It stuck with me because it's the only sex scene in a movie which should've been overflowing with them.

--

> one stretching inside her body from
> that one spot within her,

GEN: -also known as the biological thermonuclear bomb that the alien race hid in her clone body.

Chimera: It's a reference to 'Imposter', a seemingly unknown film with Gary Sinese about a government gone (understandably) mad with paranoia trying to find bio-nukes that aliens hid in artificial humans.
t.ogre: Holy crap. I thought I was the only person that had ever seen that movie.
Chimera: It's like we're twins seperated at birth. Except for the differences in age and racial background and all.
Lainer: What about me? I'm the one that wrote the damn line. Also, the movie was based on a Philip K. Dick short story. And the movie itself was a twenty five minute short with an unneccesary Johnny Mnemonic-esk story thrown in the middle.

--

> and she shrieked as a long serpent thrust up
> between her legs and parted the lips of her vagina.

ONIKO: However, there was already a Remington water-pistol pressed in there by a Dare the lesbian assassin.

Chimera: Dare's from a couple Eric Van Lustbader books, there was one scene where she had sex with another woman using the previously mentioned toy. By the way, she's an assassin who's also a lesbian, not an assassin OF lesbians.
Cosmos: Good to know.

--

ONIKO: If you don't kill him with the one correct object in the game within five turns, he'll keep getting angrier and angrier until he'll appear to calm
down only to rip you to shreds with his oversized teeth. [nods sagely]

Lysander: This is an obtuse referance to the pathetic AI of NPCs in early text based games.
Lainer: Someone is going to have to be the designated driver, because I'm drunk on power.

--

JAKE <Jessica Fletcher>: I don't know about the rest of the world, but Cabot Cove has been quiet lately.

Penfold: From "Murder, She Wrote." If you visited Cabot Cove, Maine, it was to kill someone. If not, you were either the victim or framed for the murder.

--

CHAR: ...then came the Night Wraith brigade and then they overwhelmed the moon frogs and then the Yellow Priest knew he was fucked.

Krinn. Another Lovecraft reference, this time to "The Dream Quest of Unknown Kadath". BTW, it's not 'Night Wraith', it's 'nightgaunt'.

--

Drago addition: Because I believe in giving credit where it's due, and because I'm a smug little bunnydragon:

SDR <Vampyre>: I'm a VAMPYRE!
NNIRK <Abby>: No, I'm a mage, and you're a BOX.

Drago: This is about as obscure as I get. While on the surface, it's a basic Vampire ref, it's actually a reference to a very, VERY specific event. A friend
of a friend of mine apparently was at a hotel one night where a Vampire: The Masquerade LARP was taking place. While in the bathroom, some foolish person
assumed he was part of the game as well and walked up to him, stating, "I'm a VAMPIRE!" My friend's friend, aware of the game in question, replied, "No,
I'm a mage, and you're a box." Even went to the GM and informed him of this, so for the rest of the night the poor sod was a box. Har har.



*****To be moved into Riffola Musica Obscura****

---

> meanwhile back in the living room...

NNIRK <southern accent>: Operator? Get me room 321, please.

Oniko: Ray Stevens reference. The song "Shriner's Convention" features Bubba trying to contact Coy in said room, and he says that to the operator.
---

DAVID: Maybe I should've just shouted 'HAMMER TIME!'
DUB: ...no. No, you shouldn't. Ever.

Penfold: A reference to MC Hammer that should probably go in the Riffola Musica section. I'll have to agree with dub's response, by the way.
Chimera: Sadly I feel COMPELLED to shout 'HAMMERTIME!' whenever somebody shouts STOP. It's a sickness, I know!

---

> "OH YES OH YEAH."

DUB: That was the best track off the '1977' album! I can see screaming it out during orgasm.

Oniko: A reference to "Oh Yeah," a song on Ash's "1977" album, which was released in... 1996.

---

T.OGRE <Joe C>: Yo, kid! Tell 'em what yer name is!
BRANDT: [bolts to his feet, upsetting EON] My name is BRAAAAAAANNNNN-

Penfold: More Musica. This is the beginning to Kid Rock's "Bawidaba," or something close to it.

--

EON <Andrew>: I've got a feeling. A feeling I can't hide... oh, no.

Sherlock: This has to be the fourth or fifth Beatles ref that I've been able to get before anyone else. It's the song "I've Got a Feeling."

--

BRANDT: Because Der Kommisar's in town.
ALL <nodding sagely>: Whoa-oooh.

Chimera: Man, I disguised a LOT of music riffs as normal ones, didn't I?
t.ogre: Duh. Who didn't move this over to the music riffs page? It's "Der Kommisar" by the late Falco.
Chimera: To our fans (Hello to both of you), the guy who makes the Musica page just hits 'Find' and type in 'singing'. This has been a Behind the Scenes look at Quasispace. Don't forget to describe it to your psychiatrist.

Posted on Nov 8, 2003, 2:47 PM
from IP address 12.73.130.159

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By the way, you got the Wraith reference wrong. (n/t)

by (Login Jonatan)

The rules are fairly obvious on the subject.

Posted on Nov 9, 2003, 9:23 AM
from IP address 193.10.185.3

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Argh, rats. (n/t)

by (Login Jonatan)

What are you looking at?

Posted on Nov 9, 2003, 6:08 PM
from IP address 193.10.185.3

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When you mention an error, it DOES help when you offer a specific correction.

by Chimera (no login)

On a side note, you're a jerk for IDing yourself. I wanted to go, "Who are you? WHOOOO AAAAARREEE YOUUUU!?"

-Chimera
PS: I'm looking at you, punk. What'cha gonna do? What'cha gonna d-OW! OW! Okay, okay, stop! Uncle!

Posted on Nov 9, 2003, 7:17 PM
from IP address 172.211.78.227

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Hey, Chimera!

by t.ogre (no login)

> Chimera: It's like we're twins seperated at birth. Except for the differences in age and racial background and all.

Holy crap. You're *white*?

t.ogre
qwfh

Posted on Nov 9, 2003, 10:09 PM
from IP address 143.166.226.19

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Oh, now, that's just silly.

by Chimera (no login)

I mean, c'mon, I'm not whi- [looks down at his hands] AAAGH! WHICH ONE OF YOU DID THIS!?

Ahem. Out of curiousity, why couldn't I be Asian or Hispanic or something?

THIEF: Maybe t.ogre's every race except for white. Process of elimination, you know.
ME: So, you've managed to insult him with EVERY one of your Unwarranted Racial Attacks.
THIEF: Yeah! Ain' it cool?

-Chimera


Posted on Nov 11, 2003, 9:33 PM
from IP address 172.156.30.30

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Yeah, but wasn't that the point?

by t.ogre, who's Irish, actually (no login)

> Ahem. Out of curiousity, why couldn't I be Asian or Hispanic or something?

Because it wouldn't have been as funny.

Duh.

t.ogre
qwfh

Posted on Dec 15, 2003, 10:41 PM
from IP address 143.166.255.17

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Yeah, but I hate preaching.

by (Login Jonatan)

I mean, I'm not the one to start explaining things to people who know better unless they ask for it. But you just did, so here goes:

You don't gain Pathos from Fetters. You gain Pathos from Passions. Specifically, if your character is attuned to a certain Passion, she can siphon off Pathos from people and other things experiencing that Passion strongly.

Fetters are the chains that bind you to the Skinlands and allow you to maintain an existance in the bleak reflection that is the Shadowlands. They are things that mean a lot to you, and which you can't let go of. If all of your Fetters are destroyed or lost, you plunge into the Tempest. This is Very Bad. Of course, if you manage to resolve all your Fetters (making sure your son gets a secure life so you don't have to watch over him, ensuring your favorite park won't get paved over, bringing your murderer into justice, etc.) you're free to roam everywhere.

There's the specifics. You happy now?


> On a side note, you're a jerk for IDing yourself.

Hey, thanks. It warms my heart to hear that you hold me in such high esteem.

> I wanted to go, "Who are you? WHOOOO AAAAARREEE YOUUUU!?"

But you did anyway, so no loss, hey?

> -Chimera
> PS: I'm looking at you, punk. What'cha gonna do? What'cha gonna d-OW! OW! Okay, okay, stop! Uncle!

Thassright, bitch. How's feelin' uppity now, huh?

Posted on Jan 6, 2004, 9:05 AM
from IP address 193.10.185.3

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Short clarification.

by Meagen the Long-Forgotten One (no login)

> Now that brought whispers from the class. "I wonder if he’ll be able to
> speak Japanese," whispered a boy.

ROBBIE: Yes, but only in his Sailor Soldier form.

Lainer: I took this one from a stupid Sailor Moon fic that I think either Dragomorph or Meagan MSTed. If it wasn't them, then I don't have the slightest idea who did it.
Dragomorph: Doesn't sound like one I did...

Uh, that was me. Except I didn't MiST the thing... I *wrote* it. One of my first attempts at English fanfiction, and as Lainer mentionned, it was pretty damn bad. I donated it for MiSTing a while ago. Happy to see I've managed to give some people lasting nightmares!

Meagen

(Useless clarification: It was set after the 5th season, the main character was Sailor Andromeda, and it was notable in its over-use of the verb "to look" in various forms. The reason she could only speak Japanease while transformed, which wasn't revealed in the one episode I did write, was that she had a time-travel soul thing going on, so the girl and the Sailor were not quite the same person.)

Posted on Jan 10, 2004, 5:29 PM
from IP address 62.21.67.215

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Stupid, stupid, STUPID...!!

by (no login)

Can I put in some late entries for the Riffola Obscura? I think I may have some obscure gags that I left unchecked in there.

Posted on Jan 26, 2004, 7:01 PM
from IP address 81.178.213.38

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104 is posted.

by t.ogre (no login)

Obscura and Musica to be posted, hopefully before I go home.

That is all.

t.ogre
qwfh

Posted on Dec 19, 2003, 2:00 AM
from IP address 143.166.226.17

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One small error...

by Demon K./Nnirk S. (no login)

In looking at the Mads listed for Ep 104, you have "Ssucinomed Nnirk". Minor error, easily fixed by switching the words around.

Nnirk S.
--Just observing...

Posted on Dec 24, 2003, 1:53 AM
from IP address 64.61.217.104

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D'OH!

by t.ogre (no login)


With all that worry about spelling the names backwards, I neglected to check the order of the names.

Fixed.

t.ogre
qwfh

Posted on Dec 24, 2003, 10:19 PM
from IP address 143.166.255.16

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Good job...

by (no login)

Excellent work on 104 (despite that one error). Can't wait to see how 105 turns out.

Posted on Jan 5, 2004, 11:41 PM
from IP address 24.194.131.82

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Hey! Hey everybody!

by Lainer (no login)

It's... it's... fanmail! We haven't had fanmail since hamster emailed everybody.

...

Wow, that's not a very good track record.

Keep Left-->

Posted on Jan 6, 2004, 4:01 AM
from IP address 64.168.24.187

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Review Review

by (no login)

Whenever I read a story, I always review it, a good writer must also be a good reviewer. So I kind of feel obligated to review it. Don't worry, that's not a bad thing.

Posted on Jan 6, 2004, 10:26 AM
from IP address 24.194.131.82

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[SKIT] And this is why I'm going to hell.

by 20X3 *BEEP* (no login)

This is the skit for Penfold's commercials, but since I couldn't find them all I just put in blanks where they're supposed to go. Also I couldn't remember which one of the Tenchi girls was naked, so that might need to be fixed. R&R PLZ :)

---
ALAIR: So ends another thrilling chapter of Adam.
ONIKO: Hmm, the next chapter seems to be coming up a bit slow. What's the matter Lance? Did the film kick your projector's ass?
[ONIKO is crushed beneath a 22 TONNE weight]
LANCE <over intercom>: Thanks Petrid. As I was about to say, there is no next chapter.
[beat]
ALAIR: Say what?
LANCE <over intercom>: I'm letting you go. There's more people I need to stuff in here, and I'm renting by the hour. So if you'd be so kind as to sit your asses down for some commercials, I'll get Petrid to start ringing up your home dimensions.
MAX: Well, this has been relatively less painful than I had expected.
VIPER: I don't buy this for a second! [points at the projection booth] Answer me this one question Lance, if that is your real name. If we're so unimportant, then why'd you lock us up in the first place?
LANCE <over intercom>: Because.
VIPER: Oh, okay. That makes sense. [sits down]
ONIKO [sitting on top of weight, completely unharmed]: Little does Lance know that *my* home world got blown up! What a buffoon! [laughs]
[ALAIR looks at ONIKO and facepalms]
THIEF: About damn time. To celebrate, I'm inviting everyone to an anime marathon at my place.
MAX: I'm in. [OTHERS glare at him] Sorry. Reflex.
LANCE <over intercom>: Hey! Did I not just tell you to get your posteriors into their upright viewing postitions? Besides Thief, you're not leaving.
[The theater becomes a little more silent than is normal.]
LANCE <over intercom>: Aftr what you pulled in the Street Fighter fic, I'm going to make sure that you don't see the light of day for a long, long time.
THIEF <eerily calm>: Stealing me from a parallel dimension, I'll forget; it's happened before. Boring me with second rate public masturbation, that too; it's also happened often enough. But denying me the chance to rape anime boy's mind and body in the comfort of my own home-
MAX: Hey!
THIEF: That is going too far!
SHERL <pleading>: C'mon Thief, take one for the team.
[THIEF ignores SHERL, and concentrates on the projection booth. In an instant THIEF disappears, replaced by a very surprised LANCE. THIEF now stands at the controls of the projection booth.]
LANCE: [shouting at the projection booth] ...Sonuvabitch! Petrid I told you to keep the psionics barrier up! [LANCE stops as he realises that he is surrounded by five of his prisioners] Er...
SHERL: So... you still going to let us go?
LANCE: Yes?
ONIKO: Oh, okay then.
[The OTHERS back away from LANCE and sit down (several seats away from him)]
THIEF <over intercom>: Yosho's House of Bokkens? Guyver Outfiter's liquidation sale? I'd be embarrassed to strangle a hooker with this film. Luckily I brought my own for just such an occasion.
SHERL: That's a bad sign, right?
---
Tenchi Scouts
---
ALAIR: Glad to see that FOX's high standards of programing haven't diminished.
VIPER <sniffling>: And that poor Ayeka. She must be so cold in that outfit.
ONIKO: Dude, Ayeka was naked.
VIPER <sniffling>: Ayeka was *completely* naked? [cries noisily]
ONIKO: You sure that warhead's in right?
VIPER <crying>: Operating at eighty four percent efficiency with minor fuel leakage, not that *you* would care you *monster*!
BRANDT <over intercom>: Hey, when did you guys all get down there?
ALL: BRANDT!
BRANDT <over intercom>: Who? I mean, yes?
ALAIR: Quickly! Get us out of here!
BRANDT <over intercom>: Oh, sure, um... which button was that? Was it... oh fiddlesticks.
MAX: Fiddlesticks? Brandt, what does fiddlesticks-
---
Sailor Hunter D
---
SHERL: To be honest, I might watch that. After having consumed more alcoholic beverages than I have fingers, but still.
ALAIR: Okay Brandt, get us out of here this time!
THIEF <over intercom>: I wouldn't worry about Brandt. That last outburst of extreme violence probably knocked him out for a good half hour.
ALL: DAMNIT!
ONIKO <looking at his dress>: You don't think that she'd try to kill me, do you? i mean, it's not like I'm a real sailor soldier anyways, right?
THIEF <over intercom>: I wouldn't worry. She couldn't find you unless someone called her and told her where you were. [LICK] Oh geezae, did that cound like a phone hanging up? 'Cause it definatly wasn't a phone hanging up.
ONIKO: Omigod! Thief's trying to kill me! I mean actively this time! [grabs onto VIPER] Hide me cute mascot character!
VIPER <still visibly depressed>: Hide yourself you insensitive brute.
ONIKO: SEGA whore!
VIPER: Sony slut!
ALAIR: [completely ignoreing ONIKO & VIPER] You know, I can't help but feel as if these commercials are somehow familiar.
MAX: Yeah, i got that feeling too, but my mental shielding won't let me remember why.
ALAIR: oh shit! Close your eyes Max!
MAX: Why?
ALAIR: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAX-
---
Neon Genesis Pokemon
---
ALAIR: ...Max?
[MAX makes an unintelligible sound as foam slowly oozes from his mouth]
ALAIR: Well, it looks like it's down to us fo- [ALAIR looks over and sees ONIKO and VIPER engaged in a heated popcorn battle.]
VIPER: Wait mode scrub!
ONIKO: Spoony bard!
ALAIR: -two.
SHERL: But we survived Thief's trilogy of commercials. That means he has to let us go! [Alair just stares at SHERL] Right? [ALAIR slowly and deliberatly shakes her head] Oh.
[pause]
SHERL: Hey, Oniko's evil twin's body is gone.
ALAIR: Yeah, it is. Funny we didn't notice it sooner.
LANCE: Don't look at me. I thought you people ate him.
THIEF <over intercom>: Awwwww, it's over already? I was waiting for Max to start speaking in tounges.
LANCE: All right Thief, you can stop now. We all know you don't have anything worse than that.
THIEF <over intercom>: Well, that would all depend on how much power I can dump into the dampening field.
[beat]
SHERL: Is that a bad-
ALAIR: Yes, Sherlock, that is a bad sign. If there were a list of bad signs, then that particualr sign would be printed on a separate, laminated sheet of paper in its own folder.
SHERL: That doesn't sound good.
---
[SCENE: The entrance of Wardenclyffe Towers Bookstore. COSMOS is sitting behind the counter, cleaning a paint ball grenade launcher. ONIKO is standing in front of the counter, waving his arms and, apperently, attempting to haggle a price on the pile of books in front of him. Their conversation is muted.]
ANNOUNCER: For two years Quasispace has been the most watched holovision program in four universes.
[COSMOS, finished with her cleaning, calmly picks it up and fires a paint ball grenade into ONIKO's face. He explodes into plushies of a super deformed Hunter S. Thompson.]
ANN: You've laughed with them.
[SCENE: The front of a classroom. "Show & Tell" is written on the blackboard. To the left of the shot is the teacher's desk, behind which LAINER is sitting/teaching/sleeping. KRINN is standing in the center of the shot; holding one of his lost heads and wrapping up his presentation. He walks off, and is followed up by KAOPHYRE, pulling a large, covered cage on screen. She smiles widely and pulls off the cover, revealing a captured KIM KAP HWAN.]
ANN: You've cried with them.
[SCENE: S.D.RYUKAGE stands in front of a group including ROBBIE, T.OGRE, THIEF, and DRAGOMORPH.]
SDR: One of you... is the father.
[ROBBIE and T.OGRE look shocked. THIEF grins. DRAGOMOPH just looks confused.]
ANN: But now... see them like you've never seen them before!
[SCENE: LANCE and SHERLOCK are sitting in a waiting room at opposite ends of a couch. A table with magazinesis in front of them.]
SHERL: So... been waiting wrong?
[LANCE grunts. SHERLOCK looks around the room a few more times before reaching for a magazine. At the same time LANCE reachs out for the same magazine. Their hands touch and they look at each other.]
LANCE: Have your eyes... always been so blue?
SHERL: I thought you'd never ask.
ANN: UNCUT AND UNCENSORED!
[SCENE: BRANDT and THIEF are standing at opposite ends of the shot. The wall behind them has a very obvious seem running down the center of the screen.]
BRANDT: Who are-
THIEF: How could-
[The words "Hot Monkey Sex" flash on the bottom of the screen. They both look down and seemingly read them.]
BRANDT & THIEF: Ahh.
ANN: And that's not all!
---
Thief stood next to one of the booth's speakers, humming along with the screams of agony coming from the theater. I should have thought of this last time, he thought. Of course, last time he didn't have a shield generator to counteract the force of the fourth wall snapping in two. According to the booth's controls he had maybe another three minutes before the shields failed and the theater collapsed into an interdimensional quasar, so Thief was going to enjoy every last second.

But something was interfering with his enjoyment; something that sounded like rustling in the ceiling crawl space. Thief picked up a conveniently placed broom and gave the acoustic tiles a good hard prod, sending it and a dust humanoid shaped falling to the floor. As the figure got up Thief recognized it as the rather alive corpse of Oniko's evil twin. He coughed a few times, and then posed with his hands on his hips.

"Impressive!" Oniko's twin said in an overly dramatic tone," but do you even know who are dealing with?!"

"You're Oniko's evil twin," Thief plainly stated.

"WRONG!" The twin quickly spun around so that he was facing away from Thief. He then ruffled his hair and unbuttoned the top button of his shirt, and turned back to Thief," I am Oniko's *Evil* Twin!"

"Of course."

"Now you must be asking yourself: 'Why would Oniko's Evil Twin risk sneaking back into the theater, nay, into the very heart of evil ITSELF?!'" OET said while making equally dramatic hand movements.

"Actually I was wondering what part of your body would offer the least resistance to this broom handle, but I won't interrupt you."

"To join you Lance! To be part of your vast evil empire as it sweeps over the planet to-"

"I'm not Lance."

"-subjugate the helpless innocents! Together, Seacher, we can control it-"

"Again, no."

"-and from an empire that will last for centuries. All shall hail the name Il Palazzo-sama!"

"All right, fine," Thief said, cutting him off as he grew more and more impatient," Go and find that Petrid thing that ran off when I got here." Thief turned his attention back to the console and found that the level of horror had fallen to mid-range groans of discomfort. On screen Sherlock and Lance, both missing their shirts, were standing in front of an open refrigerator. Oniko suddenly said something about product placement, and the screams returned to an acceptable level. Thief sighed, relieved.

"Ah ha!" Oniko's evil twin called out, still standing in the exact spot he was before," With his back turned, my plan can now come to fruitation! I never intended to assist him at all, instead I used my incredible powers of persuasion to gain his trust, all the while biding my time to wait for the... time... to come when I could strike! All that has come before is merely prelude to the unimaginable evil of my reign! O-hohohohohohoho!"

Thief casually reached over and pressed a red button on the console. A self targeting laser slid out of the ceiling, sighted Oniko's evil twin, and shot him, vaporizing him instantly. 'When are these brats going to stop stealing my evil schtick?' Thief asked himself rhetorically, 'They seem to get worse each time.' He switched off the film and started recharging the shield batteries.
---
ALAIR: So... is that what walking in on your parents having sex is like?
ONIKO: Conversely, it's still better than half the DBZ movies.
ALAIR: Sherlock, how you holding up? You were... in that... a lot...
[SHERL is staring wide eyed at the screen, much like a deer caught in headlights. He is about to say something when he is instantly transformed into a large snowman. ALAIR frowns, and leans over to see LANCE's condition. He shares SHERL's expression, but still has enough control over his body to lean forward and stand up. He slowly turns to face the projection booth. There is a high pitched whine, and where LANCE once stood now stands a confused and disoriented THIEF.]
THIEF: ...uh?
VIPER: Awesome! Lance just teleported himself through sheer power of hatred!
ALAIR <exasperated>: That doesn't make any sense!
VIPER: Duh, I said it was awesome.
ONIKO: So, Lance? You still going to, ya'know, let us go?
LANCE <over intercom>: You know, I would, I really would, except that someone dumped all the transporter's power into the shields. Plus I'm feeling a good deal less sympathetic.
[As one the (conscious) OTHERS turn to THIEF, with expressions that don't need to be described.]
THIEF: What? You all would have done the same thing.
LANCE <over intercom>: We're going to take a short break while I get everything fixed up here. And just so you know, Yosho's House of Bokkens has provided free samples located underneath your seats. I'm sure you'll put them to good use.
[THIEF starts to put up a psionic shield, but is knocked upside the head by ONIKO's bokken. Four minutes later he is laid out on the floor, mildly cuncused and surrounded by half a dozen broken bokkens. ALAIR, ONIKO, and VIPER are sitting in their seats, massaging their sore wrists.]
MAX: Uh...
ALAIR: Max! Are you okay?
MAX: Yeah... I guess so. But, what happened to Brandt? And where'd that festive snowman come from?
VIPER: You don't remember anything?
MAX: I remember you and Oniko fighting, and the Alair was trying to shout something at me, and then-
ALAIR: STOP! That's okay Max, it's not important.
MAX: Oh, all right. So, when's the fic going to start back up?

Posted on Dec 22, 2003, 5:18 PM
from IP address 64.168.24.187

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Don't worry about the commercials.

by Penfold (no login)

After I posted them, I noticed there were a couple of mistakes. I'll post the fixed skits to this thread in a couple of days.

Yes, prereaders are a good thing to have.

No, I don't use any.

Also, given the Quasispaceploitation in the second half of your skit, I have a question to ask: Would you be interested in another commercial from me? I have a mostly-completed script for a commercial that features dub and eonsinger. I should be able to finish that up sometime after Christmas.

I promise to have someone preread it before I post. ^^;;


-Penfold
That attention whore thing is acting up again. Good or bad, the results *will* be bizzare.

Posted on Dec 22, 2003, 9:15 PM
from IP address 24.130.81.205

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I'm startin' to think this is less the Soap Opera ep and more the Fourth Wall Breaking ep.

by Chimera (no login)

Funny though. I'll have a list of minor corrections and such sometime after Christmas... mostly since all of our major nitpickers seem to be fairly busy, so I figure I'll help them out a touch.

And perhaps a minor touch of rewriting, once we nail down the setting better, of course.

As far as adding more commercials? Well, might be kinda long with another commerical... additionally, unless the new commercial would also work with the whole 'dystopic future anime' theme, I don't think it would fit in well.

However, more commercials are always welcome, since they can be used at SOME point (in the worst case scenario, we can make a collection of commercials and put them on the website as independant shorts). I've still got a list of most of the commercials around here somewhere, and I'm sure other people have their own.

Posted on Dec 23, 2003, 10:45 PM
from IP address 172.162.118.241

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My character - Some points

by (no login)

[SHERLOCK sits down in a leather office chair behind a desk. He is wearing a business suit to match his fur, and glasses that shouldn't fit on the sides of his head without human-shaped ears, and yet they are. He picks up a paper on the desk, clears his throat several times, and begins reading.]

SHERLOCK: Konbanwa. As the president and sole member of the "People For the Rights of Brian Sherlock's Avatar," I would like to object in the strongest possible terms for the misuse of myself in a Quasispace Skit Sequence, or QSS.

[He stands up and takes a laser pointer out of his pocket. We walks over to a screen which has a visual representation of the sketch we have just seen. He points the laser pointer to the screen.]

SHERLOCK: For example, in this scene:

[SCENE]
[LANCE grunts. SHERLOCK looks around the room a few more times before reaching for a magazine. At the same time LANCE reachs out for the same magazine. Their hands touch and they look at each other.]
LANCE: Have your eyes... always been so blue?
SHERL: I thought you'd never ask.
[/SCENE]

SHERLOCK: ...Sherlock's eyes have been described as blue, when they are, in fact -- if you read the avatar -- green. Also, in this section here:

[SCENE]
ALAIR: Sherlock, how you holding up? You were... in that... a lot...
[SHERL is staring wide eyed at the screen, much like a deer caught in headlights. He is about to say something when he is instantly transformed into a large snowman.
[/SCENE]

SHERLOCK: ...Sherlock has clearly gone into shock. While I applaud the author on his decent use of Sherlock's ice magic backfire, Sherlock commonly gets angry, rather than shocked, if something like this were to ever have happened to him. Not only would he be angry, but he would be loudly contemplating the consequences he would inflict on the one who made this material available. [Raises voice] Perhaps creating a field of Absolute Zero around his NADS!! [clears throat] And, as a note --[produces a small index card]-- Brian has jotted down that Sherlock should then sneeze, and turn into a snowman that way, and be unable to get out, only a muffled "Shit" audible thereafter.

[SHERLOCK sets down the index card, and goes back to his office chair.]

SHERLOCK: If these changes are acceptable, please file the acceptance letter before Friday. Thank you.

-Sherlock

Posted on Dec 23, 2003, 11:03 PM
from IP address 68.233.106.204

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*inarticulate grunt*

by O. Hakubi (no login)

1) Same homeworld as Cosmos. That is, the one that still exists.

2) He makes references to Segata Sanshiro. Why would he hate Sega? They made Panzer Dragoon Orta, damn it.

3)

But quite frankly, this - as well as most every other series of nitpicks anyone else has to offer - can be ignored, seeing as the only characters that are actually important are Brandt and Thief. So knock it off, all of you. Nobody likes a hanger-on.

--OH

Posted on Dec 24, 2003, 6:23 PM
from IP address 24.195.121.126

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And here they are!

by Penfold (no login)

Just to help you along, I only found two errors when the riffers talk about what they just saw:

1) Ayeka is not the naked one, Kiyone is. The princess isn't wearing much more than the cop, though.

2) Tenchi Scouts is on CN's Toonami lineup, and Neon Genesis Pokemon is on Fox. I was trying for the worst places to put Tenchi and Evangelion parodies.

(Actually, I can think of even worse place than Fox to put Eva/Pokemon, but I wasn't going to write Neon Exodus Pokemon. There's a limit to how many crossovers, cameos and other references I can jam into a single work. ^^)

Anyway...


----------------------------------
Tenchi Scouts

[SCENE: Inside the Masaki Shrine. KATSUHITO and TENCHI are having what appears to be an important conversation.]

NARRATOR <VO>: When Destiny calls, we all must answer.

KATSUHITO: Tenchi, I have groomed you for this day, all the while hoping it would never come. Take this sword and revive the Scouts of Heaven and Earth. It is our only chance.

[KATSUHITO hands Tenchi-ken to TENCHI. Cut to TENCHI. As he touches the Tenchi-ken, he is engulfed in a bright light.]

NARRATOR <VO>: But sometimes, Destiny forgets the little details...

[The light subsides, revealing TENCHI in a fuku similar in design to Eternal Sailor Moon's.]

TENCHI: Um... Grandpa?

KATSUHITO: That is something best explained by my daughter.

TENCHI: But... Mom's been dead for years.

KATSUHITO: *That* is something best explained by your father.

[Cut to Tenchi's room. NOBUYUKI is talking to a normally-dressed TENCHI.]

NARRATOR <VO>: ...and Destiny's been known to forget the big details.

NOBUYUKI: It's a long story involving an ill-tempered half-dragon prince, a magic bucket, and your father drowning in a cursed spring in China.

TENCHI: Wait... you're not my father?

NOBUYUKI: Your grandfather and I haven't been totally honest with you. We're not father and son. We're mother and daughter.

[CU of TENCHI, who looks horrified.]

NOBUYUKI: Do you know what some people would give for a little of that cursed water?

[Cut to living room of Masaki house. Fuku-clad Tenchi stands in front of the other Scouts of Heaven and Earth: RYOKO, who is wearing a gigantic hoop skirt. AYEKA, who is in what can only be described as purple leather dental floss. MIHOSHI, still in her GP uniform, but straining under the weight of an enormous wig, within which several cabbits have built an apartment complex. WASHU, wearing platform shoes that make her taller than anyone, save Mihoshi's Maison Hairdo. KIYONE, who wears only a (badly) edited-on teal one-piece bikini.]

NARRATOR <VO>: The battle to save two worlds begins...

MIHOSHI <about to cry>: This thing is heavy! And I think that cabbit is selling drugs in the stairwell, but I don't have enough evidence to make an arrest!

[WASHU takes a step, and begins to lose her balance. She grabs MIHOSHI'S hair for support.]

WASHU: Don't these things come with anti-gravity stabilizers and inertia dampening fields?

[WASHU screams as she falls, dragging MIHOSHI to the floor with her.]

NARRATOR <VO>: ...right after everyone gets properly dressed.

AYEKA: This is degrading! What kind of deviant would expect a woman to wear, let alone fight, in this... this... *this*!?

KIYONE: At least the budget didn't run out before they got to your costume.

NARRATOR <VO>: Tenchi Scouts. Weekdays at 4:30. Only on Toonami.

RYOKO: How am I supposed to fight in this? I can't even move without knocking people over!

AYEKA: It looks much better than the tacky outfits you usually wear.

RYOKO: Come here and say that to my face!

AYEKA: I'd love to, but I can't get any closer without stepping on your skirt.

[RYOKO and AYEKA begin to argue.]

NARRATOR <VO>: Action and high fashion. What more could you want?


--------------------------------
Sailor Hunter D

[SCENE: A forest at night. MAMORU walks down a path. Clouds rapidly cover the night sky.]

NARRATOR <VO>: It was a time of fear...

[Lightning flashes, whiting out the screen for an instant. When the flash subsides, there is a WOMAN, shrouded in shadow, behind MAMORU. She is wearing a white dress, and though everything above her neck is in shadow, it is clear that she has a rather unique set of pigtails. After a moment MAMORU realizes that someone is behind him, and turns to face her. To say that he is shocked to see the WOMAN is an understatement.]

WOMAN: You have something that I want...

[Camera tilts up. The clouds part, revealing the full Moon. MAMORU screams.]

NARRATOR <VO>: It was an age of terror...

[Cut to busy town square. Camera focuses on two teenagers: a BLOND GIRL with curly hair, and a BLUE HAIRED GIRL, with a ponytail. The girls walk to the center of the square, and each takes out a henshin stick.]

BLOND GIRL: [raises henshin stick] Lunar Shining Light Sparkly Crystal Power, make-up!

BLUE HAIRED GIRL: [raises henshin stick] Flowing Water Shiny Star Jewel Power, make-up!

RANDOM CITIZEN: Senshi! Run for your lives!

[Scene periodically switches between the citizens running for cover, and the two naked, glowing girls going through an elaborate ballet as water, stars, hearts, and flashing lights swirl around them, and form the pieces of their fukus. Eventually, the transformations end.]

BLOND GIRL: [Strikes silly poses] We are the Pretty Soldiers of...

[Camera pulls back, revealling an empty town square. BLOND GIRL stops posing and sweatdrops.]

BLOND GIRL: Where is everybody?

BLUE HAIRED GIRL: Who cares? Let's destroy the town.

[BLUE HAIRED GIRL looks at a house and smirks. She raises her hands...]

BLUE HAIRED GIRL: Rushing Water Stream That Doesn't Do Any Damage But Nobody Wants To Get Hit By Attack!

[As she speaks, the occupants of the house evacuate, with their possessions. By the time the animation for BLUR HAIRED GIRL's attack finishes, the house is stripped of everything, even the furniture and the plants in the garden.]

NARRATOR <VO>: But there was one person with the power to fight the menace...

[Cut to the inside of a house. MAMORU, now wearing a jacket with a suspiciously high collar, and MOTOKI, talk to "D," a little girl with pink hair.]

"D": She's telling the truth. I am a Dhenshi - a half-Senshi. But that's not all. My name is Tsukino Usagi, though the Senshi call me Chibi-Usa so I'm not mistaken for my mother. Most people call me "D" for short.

MOTOKI: But there's no D in your name...

CHIBI-USA: Don't confuse the issue with the facts!

MAMORU: I thought most Dhenshi gave in to their Senshi side.

CHIBI-USA: It might have something to do with this...

[CHIBI-USA takes off a glove, revealing a FACE in her palm.]

CHIBI-USA: I think it's some sort of entity that's keeping me from giving in. It might also be here to guide me through my battles...

FACE: Chibi! Chibi!

CHIBI-USA: ...but that's all it ever says! If it's speaking in code, I haven't figured it out yet.

FACE: Chibi!

CHIBI-USA: [puts glove back on] Oh, shut up!

NARRATOR <VO>: Witness the battle to save humanity.

[Cut to open field. CHIBI-USA faces off with the Senshi who attacked the town.]

BLOND GIRL: Give it up, Dhenshi! You know you're not as powerful as a real Senshi!

BLUE HAIRED GIRL: Rushing Water -- OW! OW! OW!

BLOND GIRL: Kawaii Heart -- KYAAA!

[Before they can complete their attack calls, both Senshi are pelted with rapid-fire hearts, knocking them on their fuku-clad rears.]

CHIBI-USA: [blows smoke off wand] You may be stronger, but Dhenshi don't have to go through a ten second animation for every attack.

FACE: Chibi!

CHIBI-USA: You're some kind of Pokemon, aren't you?

FACE: Chibi! Chibi!

[Cut to shot of "Sailor Hunter D" DVD case.]

NARRATOR <VO>: Sailor Hunter D: the Movie, now availible on DVD. Own it today.


-----------------------------
Neon Genesis Pokemon


[SCENE: A locker room. GARY, in a black plug suit, addresses ASH, MISTY, and BROCK, who are in two-tone blue, red, and white plug suits, respectively.]

NARRATOR <VO>: It's a war fought by children...

GARY: You three just sit back and watch. With me and Umbreon, Pallet Town-3 won't have to worry about the Legendary Pokemon for very long.

[GARY's Cheerleaders begin to cheer. No, your eyes aren't going bad - they were *not* in the scene a moment ago.]

ASH: No, really, *are* they Pokemon?

MISTY: I'm beginning to wonder, myself...

[Cut to command center. JESSIE, JAMES and MEOWTH sit at consoles, while DELIA KETCHUM and NURSE JOY argue. On the monitors, a Pikachu - five stories tall and with a power cable - and a proportinally larger Onix face off against an enormous Moltres.]

NARRATOR <VO>: It's easy to see who the bad guys are...

NURSE JOY: It's too late. Even if we catch Moltres in the Master Ball, its flame has become too hot. The ball will become a miniature sun and burn through the Geofront armor.

DELIA: We have to take that chance. It's either that, or let it burn the city.

JAMES: It's melting through the first armor layer!

JESSIE: Internal temperature rising...

MEOWTH: If youse guys are gonna do something, it better be soon!

BROCK <over speaker, monotone>: There is only one option. Onix... Rock Throw.

[Cut to Pallet Town-3. Onix chucks the oversized pokeball that was in its mouth at Moltres, bouncing it off the firebird's head. Moltres is sucked into the ball without disturbing its momentum. Camera follows the now red hot ball as it flies off to the Moon.]

NARRATOR <VO>: ...or is it?

[Cut to interrior of an entry plug. Plug suit clad MISTY is beginning to wake up. Periodic explosions outside shake the plug and seem to hurt her.]

MISTY: I... understand now. [explosion] And you're going to learn it the hard way! Corsola, surface and Spike Cannon!

[Cut to lake surface, where a destroyer sits. The water beneath it begins to glow, just before the ship is engulfed in a blast of green energy shaped like a cross. When it subsides, Corsola surfaces underneath the damaged ship, holding it aloft in its coral horns. The giant Pokemon fires glowing spikes into the destroyer, reducing it to metal shavings in a matter of moments.]

NARRATOR <VO>: It's a war no one really understands...

[Cut to Terminal Dogma. A FEAROW flies up to the giant Pokemon crucified there. It looks about as surprised as the freakish-looking bird can get.]

FEAROW <girl's voice>: This is MewTwo! But if it's here, where has the Pokemon League been keeping Mew?

[In the backgroud, Pikachu, which now has a S2 engine instead of a power cord, finishes off Corsola with a Quick Attack, then turns and Thunderbolts FEAROW, which drops out of the air like a rock. FEAROW changes into a plug suit clad girl. Cut to entry plug interrior.]

ASH <astonished>: It's true, Duplica really is the Seventeenth Pokemon...

NARRATOR <VO>: ...and everyone has their own agenda.

[Cut to PROFESSOR OAK's office. It is large and cavernous, like the Geofront visible through the window. On the floor is the Sephirothic Tree. Actually, upon closer inspection, it appears to be a flow chart depicting Cloud Strife's backstory... at least, that would explain why parts of it are crossed out. OAK is engaged in a conversation with PROFESSOR ELM.]

ELM: Team Rocket will be angry about this. They weren't happy when Zapdos invaded the computer system. They won't be happy when they find out that the Legendary Pokemon took Umbreon over directly.

OAK: I'll handle Giovanni and the old men. You make sure that they can't connect me to Gary. Recruiting Major Ketchum's son raised their suspicions. If they find out the Fourth Pokemon Trainer was my own grandson...

ELM: You have the same last name...

[A beat.]

OAK: Really? Well, I never said the cover-up would be easy, now did I?

NARRATOR <VO>: ...but what price will be paid for choosing the wrong side?

[Cut to stratosphere above Kanto. Pikachu is suspended in the air by nine Alakazam. Around them is the "Sephirothic Tree," exactly as it was seen in Oak's office. Pikachu, or rather Ash inside the entry plug, is being addressed by a fifty-mile tall Brock. There is no audio.]

NARRATOR <VO>: Coming this January, Neon Genesis Pokemon. Right here on Kids WB.


Posted on Dec 26, 2003, 12:35 AM
from IP address 24.130.81.205

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Oh yeah, speaking of Pokévas...

by O. Hakubi (no login)

http://pictureposter.allbrand.nu/pictures/onikohakubi/evachu.jpg

Work safe and topical.

--OH

Posted on Dec 26, 2003, 3:53 PM
from IP address 24.195.121.126

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That is profoundly wrong on too many levels.

by Idiotbox (no login)

I like. Keep making them, bud.

Posted on Dec 27, 2003, 2:23 PM
from IP address 213.249.148.247

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Ain't mine. I just find 'em. (nt)

by O. Hakubi (no login)



Posted on Dec 27, 2003, 3:48 PM
from IP address 24.195.121.126

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Just when you think you've seen it all...

by (no login)

Something like this comes along and completely changes your perspective on reality.

Posted on Dec 28, 2003, 2:24 PM
from IP address 24.194.131.82

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...

by (no login)

That whole Neon Genesis Pokemon thing was freaky, disturbing, and totally whacked. Yet in some twisted way, it all makes sense.

Posted on Dec 28, 2003, 2:30 PM
from IP address 24.194.131.82

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[Sketch news]...

by (no login)

I can't fucking do it.

I type, I brainstorm, I put my brain under unhealthy amounts of strain, and I break expensive hardware, but I can't fucking make this work.

I could putter out a couple megabytes worth of excuses, but I think I'll just apologise, note that I am a complete failure, and give a general idea for the setting.


Lance get's yanked out of the empty hell he was sent to at the end of ep 101, and the Evil Shadowy guy who we might want to name one of these days offers to give t. ogre's head on a platter if he works for them, specifaccly, aiding in their 'experiment'. If he refuses, he goes right back where they found him.

Seeing as there really is no choice, he agrees, and, just as a precaution, is givin stupidly effective powers Self-Extraction style to make sure there isn't yet another repeat of the past three incidents. (Only three of the episodes had anything to do with the Evil guys running the show, for those keeping track.)

Lance doesn't waste any time in capturing t. ogre, albeit he has to be physically restrained from killing him right away as the Shadowy guy wants t. ogre in the experiment.

Just incase t. ogre refuses to comply, Lance does Something Terrible offscreen to Brandt (For the record he gives Brandt a chunk of his power that, if Lance wants it to, will completely irradicate Brandt and leave only Thief) so that he can keep t. ogre where he wants him without a fuss. The inevitable brain damage that would result in simply restraining him doesn't fit into the budget.

Somewhere along the line Lance hires finacially cghallenged limy brit DarkHorse Pterid, gets to like him, and hires him as his co-mad. Shadowy Guy doesn't like this one bit, and assignes one of his boys to watch Lance to make sure that he doesn't do anything even more stupid.

Just before the experiment's supposed to begin, t. ogre escapes from where he was being held (I like to imagine that he wakes up all whoosy, sees his captors as a bunch of Rock clones, and goes into a mad homicidal frenzy) giving Lance's loyalty a good swift kick in the shins. In a true cluster fuck, they quickly grab a seventh experimentee to replace t. ogre while they look for him.

This all mostly takes place in the Soap-Opera dimension, as Lance found it fitting, him being the Man-Back-From-The-Dead.


Yes, I realise this is crap.


Sorry again.

Posted on Dec 23, 2003, 10:13 PM
from IP address 152.163.253.3

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I sympathize deeply, I truly do.

by Chimera (no login)

Hell, I was on the verge of giving somebody else the intro to 104 when I finally broke the block.

So are you still holding out for writing it yourself, or do you want someone to take it? Since you dibsed it, it's your call as to whom you'd like to pass it to. I could, if you'd like... I'm wanting to get some writing done for this episode.

Posted on Dec 23, 2003, 10:36 PM
from IP address 172.162.118.241

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Though I can't stand the thought of ditching it...

by Shade (no login)

If I don't, it'll never get written.

Chim-Chim, I'm gonna go ahead and give it to you if you want it.

Now I shall sulk, and try to console myself with the fact that my writer's block isn't as bad as Mike Noonan's.

That's a joke, son.

Anyways, sorry again, and hopefully I'll be able to make up for it come next episode.

Posted on Dec 24, 2003, 9:43 PM
from IP address 64.12.96.202

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So in perusing the boards this fine evening...

by t.ogre (no login)

...I failed to find any sketches for Episode 105.

Do we currently have any completed sketches? Or for that matter, do we know where the break(s) will be?

No hurry, just looking for a status update.

Oh, and my lazy ass should have 104 up this week.

t.ogre
qwfh

Posted on Dec 15, 2003, 10:43 PM
from IP address 143.166.255.17

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If, by chance, there's a half time break...

by Schwere Viper (no login)

...then this little bauble might fit in just before the sketch...
--------
[A scene slides in with four Playboy bunnies with top hats and canes on a stage. Some perky music with a fast tempo starts up, and the following song is sung in a big, splashy musical number.]

Golly gosh, it looks as if it's time for a sketch just now,
Right here in episode...one-oh-fiiive,
Grab a snack, a glass of wine, and park your ass back down now,
Here in episode one-oh-fiiive!

MiSTing, laughs and violence in a day long show,
Crispy fried out back in Theif's hot oiiil... (You're wasting it!)
Come on down and take a peek at freakish hentai beasts,
And Mary Sues with plots to foooil... (Ooh!)

If you find what we all do disgusting and distasteful,
Right here in episode...one-oh-fiiiive,
Just relax and shut your mouth because you're fucking whining,
About a goddamned tee-ecks-tee fiiile!

[All singers explode. Mid-way sketch begins.]
--------
***I HAVE DIED FIVE TIMES OVER***

Viper

Posted on Dec 16, 2003, 5:28 AM
from IP address 211.26.96.229

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Nope, no sketches.

by Cosmos (no login)

I'm not entirely sure we even have a setting... not that I can speak about taking too much time on things. Although I will get some editing done this next week. Promise.

Cosmos

Posted on Dec 16, 2003, 5:26 PM
from IP address 12.73.134.105

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No hurry.

by t.ogre (no login)


I was just wonderin'.

The reason I was asking about the sketches is because I was thinking about calling seats for the next episode sometime in January. But if we don't know where we are, then we can't know where we've been, and without that frame of reference we lose the chance to make riffs that involve the immediate environment.

That's all. No biggie.

t.ogre
qwfh

Posted on Dec 16, 2003, 10:08 PM
from IP address 143.166.255.18

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Actually, we have one skit.

by Lainer (no login)

Last night I finished writing up the break skit for Penfold's commercials. Due to problems with my internet connection (mostly about how ass mad the fine folks at earthlink are) the soonest I can have it up is on friday.

Can't help with the setting issues though.

Posted on Dec 17, 2003, 5:52 PM
from IP address 64.168.24.187

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I know I'm new, but could I try writing one?

by Zelyhon (no login)

I'd like to try writing one if that is an option. I realize that I have little to no experience, but hey, you gotta start somewhere. In order to do this, I would need who is in the theater and who the Mad is (I wasn't here when it was worked on) and maybe a basic thought to elaborate on in the skit. If you don't want someone so new woking immediately, I understand. I just thought I'd like to try getting my feet wet as soon as I could.

Posted on Dec 22, 2003, 2:16 PM
from IP address 67.121.189.100

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Sorry, but I think we'd prefer to keep it with the regulars. Also, I'm a jerk. (nt)

by Chimera (no login)



Posted on Dec 23, 2003, 2:42 AM
from IP address 172.165.38.211

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That's fine by me

by Zelyhon (no login)

I understand that I haven't proven myself yet, so I'll try working on a couple before I try writing one of those.

Posted on Dec 23, 2003, 11:55 AM
from IP address 67.121.168.150

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Hey, who was writing the blurb for 104?

by t.ogre (no login)


Or do I need to do that myself?

I'd like to get the final copy of 104 posted this weekend.

t.ogre
qwfh

Posted on Dec 5, 2003, 12:09 AM
from IP address 143.166.255.18

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This is what we ended up with.

by Penfold (no login)

http://www.network54.com/Hide/Forum/message?forumid=189404&messageid=1068059138

That was the last thing said about it, other than Cosmos and Chimera wanting to change the episode title based on what I wrote.


-Penfold

Posted on Dec 5, 2003, 1:21 AM
from IP address 24.130.81.205

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Okay, so we're using this?

by t.ogre (no login)

Okay, so unless we have some objections, I'll be using the blurb below. As well, what were the options on the title?

==========

Demonstrating yet again that we are completely devoid of self-preservation instincts, we spiral into a soul-crushing bad acid trip that contains creepy hive-mind janitors, Transformazoids, purple thong panties... and the bunnies. Oh, dear Lord, the bunnies.

And that's just our stuff.

Former featured author Hamster once again lights up our lives with "Disney Girls Sex Slave Auction." The title says it all. "Mother of Cthulhu" gives us insights into the early days of a famous author. Sam Vimes petitions an author to give him a yaoi scene in "Of Things to Come." In "Abby Meets a Vampyre," Abby meets a vampire... er, <i>vampyre</i> with a unique solution to impotence. "The Lone Cardcaptor," our only clean source of pain, is really just the dub of Card Captor Sakura, only with a lot of pointless angst. "Maga-Tsumi" features yet another creature that decided to have sex, despite the fact it can't climax. If that wasn't bad enough, we've found (much to our chagrin) several lost chapters to Bureau 13, which we spread liberally throughout the episode. It's our first ever Compendium of Pain.

==========

I just like the word "compendium."

t.ogre
qwfh

Posted on Dec 5, 2003, 3:18 AM
from IP address 143.166.255.16

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Looks good to me.

by Chimera (no login)

And the title options were "The Gang's All Here" and "Beware Thief's Shorts". Cosmos and I both voted for the second.

Posted on Dec 10, 2003, 2:07 AM
from IP address 172.136.207.12

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Well, hell, could somebody with a nice cable modem move the chapters to the editing board?

by Chimera (no login)

My connection's been fucking me every time I start trying.

Hey, I wanted to wait for the say-so of my other editors, but given the amount of time that's passed... hm. What is it that Cosmos said? [Thinks back...]

COSMOS: Damnit, Thief, stop with the telekinesis! I know that's not a breeze!
THIEF: Is it my fault you wore a skirt?

No, no, that wasn't it...

COSMOS: Silence gives assent.

That's it! Quietude lends approval. [nod] Anyways, if nobody moves the post over soon, I'll just do it myself, I s'pose... though it'll be hours and hours... [sniffle]

-Chimera
He'd step on a puppy for a cable modem. Or for fun, whatever.

Posted on Nov 26, 2003, 8:08 PM
from IP address 172.134.69.94

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I got it.

by t.ogre (Login t.ogre)
Moderators

Not like I'm doing anything else at work right now.

Should have it all transferred before midnight.

*** EDIT ***
Finished at approximately 10PM GMT-6.

Feel free to begin the editing.

t.ogre
qwfh



    
This message has been edited by t.ogre from IP address 143.166.255.18 on Nov 26, 2003 11:05 PM

Posted on Nov 26, 2003, 10:27 PM
from IP address 143.166.255.18

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And on that note...what's the link for the uncut TOA fic?

by (no login)

I was thinking, since I have some free time over the 4-day weekend, I could either get all the copywrite information down for Tales of Adam, or dunk my head into that vat of lemon juice, open my eyes and inhale deeply, as I had previously planned...I mean to say, it's a major cross between the two...

Additionally, what was the last TOA chapter that we did? Just so I don't go beyond this episode and all.

-Sherlock
"No, I didn't burn all your mags! Now get me the blowtorch!!"

Posted on Nov 27, 2003, 1:14 AM
from IP address 68.233.106.59

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The lemon juice might be less painful.

by t.ogre (no login)


http://users3.ev1.net/~mlgarrett/quasispace/mistings/TAO_complete_carat.txt

And we got through "chapter" 5 of 'fic 4.

t.ogre
qwfh

Posted on Nov 28, 2003, 1:39 AM
from IP address 143.166.226.19

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PROTEST! RIFF! [nt]

by Schwere Viper (no login)

lolol pwned

Posted on Nov 27, 2003, 6:50 AM
from IP address 211.26.96.78

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Viper, you ignorant slut. [N/T]

by Lysander (no login)

wtfomgroflmao:)

Posted on Nov 27, 2003, 3:48 PM
from IP address 216.204.90.160

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"Tales of Adam" hits the airwaves! Run for your life!

by t.ogre (no login)

>
> The meeting of a new friend!
> by A. Richmond
>
> It was a nice clear sunny day around the Masaki home, when there
> was suddenly an electric storm. From which a tall, well bulit man
> fell with a sickening crunch. Soon a shadow fell upon him. So the
> tale begins!
>
> chapter 1: hi there!
>
> The first person to discover the stranger, was by Mihoshi, whose
> reaction was a scream when she tripped over him, oblivous the fact
> that he was lying in plain sight. Tenchi came to see what the
> comotion was and was shocked to find Mihoshi sprawled on the floor
> next to some guy lying in an awkward position that signaled bad
> injurys. "What the hell is going on, now?" came Ryoko's voice, before
> Tenchi had a second thought. "My, my, who's this?" enquired Ryoko
> with some surprise, "and should he be lying like that?"
>
> The stranger was wearing a plain black baseball cap pulled down so
> that his face didn't show above his jaw, a baggy shirt with a double
> shoulder holster which contained two fully automatic 9 mm Uzis'. A
> pair of baggy black jeans on which hung a mobile phone, strapped to
> his right leg is what looked like a shotgun but it had almost no
> stock or barrel, he was wearing a strange looking watch with lots of
> strange looking coloured balls on the strap and in his hands he had a
> small metalic object and a ninja sword with the kanji for 'elemental
> bakemono nihonto' ( elemental monster sword) etched on the hilt. At
> his waist hung two beautfully crafted knives with hanldes decorated
> with snakes which were in the scabbards for them which were decorated
> with black widow spiders, and on the back of his jeans hung a combat
> knife and to complement his outfit he wore a black pair of boots
> which where tall enough to hide a throwing knife in each.
>
> Ryoko stood there, and decided to state the obvious "he certinly
> likes black doesn't he?", everybody just ignored this comment which
> annoyed Ryoko. "Well hadn't we better try to see who this guy is and
> tend to his injurys?"came Washu's voice, scaring everyone half to
> death.
>
> chapter 2: who are you?
>
> It was a full two days' to even get him to lie straight without
> adding even more injurys, by now the only people who hadn't seen the
> stanger was Minagai, Kiyone and Sasami. Even Ayeka had quick look at
> the stranger was. Washu had noticed that his body seemed to be
> healing at an extremely rapid rate while he slept, almost like in the
> vampire tales like Dracula.
>
> At lunch Tenchi asked how the stranger was doing, washu's answer was:
> "he seems to be human but he heals at a rapid rate, I estimate that
> he will be awake with in three days at the least. I don't seem to be
> able to pry that hat out off of his head, it's almost as if it's
> being held by some invisible force," thats when Ryoko replied "Its
> just that your a wimp! I'm surpised that you can sit up in bed on
> your own, squirt". "now, now, girls theres no need to be so mean at
> this time or anytime for that matter! so just get along" said
> Tenchi, amazed at himself for making his little speech decided to sit
> there quietly for the rest of the morning. After lunch Washu noticed
> that the stranger had moved almost as if he was sleeping, she was
> pleased that she had manged to remove his weapons apart from the
> scabard for the sword and that damn object in his hand!, she was
> dying to find out what it did!
>
> chapter 3: Its' gonna be a long day
>
> It was the very next day that Washu decided to see she could pry the
> hat off his head and that object from his hand, just to see what it
> did!, she told herself "it's all in the aid of science!", "bullshit"
> replied her mind. When she got down to her lab she got a surprise,
> the subject was gone! After a bit of searching she discovered that he
> had fallen off the table and was lying face down on the floor, when
> she tried to lift him she found he was rather light and that she
> could carry him anywhere without any effort then finally she went and
> got some breakfast, when she returned she found Ryoko trying to
> remove the hat!, "so you wanted to try it too?" said Washu,
> surprising Ryoko. Ryoko's reply was spat out at Washu, "I thought
> that since you were trying to get the hat off, I would come and help.
> But it seems stuck and I can't cut it at all.", "YOU DID WHAT!"
> screamed Washu, gathering herself, she said "you don't try to cut his
> hat off incase you injure him." "I was only trying to help you"
> replied Ryoko and with that she teleported to go and pick on Ayeka.
> "Good, she's gone" said Washu under her breath.
>
> That afternoon after lunch Washu decided that she would give up
> trying to remove the hat and object from the stranger as she had been
> trying all morning. It was when Washu gave up she noticed that he had
> an ear-ring in his left ear and the jewel in it was black and that he
> had a cross hanging around his neck and this was also made from the
> black jewel and it was engraved with 'G.F. warrior' in really small
> writing. She also noticed that he needed a shave and that while he
> was recovering he still grew a beard but it wasn't growing very fast,
> which puzzled Washu, but then again this is nothing new. Washu then
> decided to leave him in peace for today.
>
> chapter 4: getting up!
>
> When Washu went to check on him she was mildly surprised to find him
> floating in mid-air, then after a while it dawned on her that he was
> floating on his own! Washu called Ryoko who was really shocked and
> this disbanded that it was Ryoko playing a trick! then as mysteriosly
> as he began to float he began to descend, feeling a lot of different
> emotions, Washu looked at Ryoko then went and had lunch. After lunch
> Tenchi came and had a look and he was more shocked that Washu was
> because the stranger was sitting up!, Tenchi shot out of the lab and
> ran straight into Washu, "h..h...he's u..up," gathering himself
> Tenchi said "he's", "up" replied Washu and ran in to the lab to
> find.....
>
> chapter 5: surprise!
>
> The stranger sitting up still alseep! but sitting up anyway, then
> Washu poked him in the ribs to be sure that he was still asleep, and
> to her surprise she got a sleepy "fuck off!", a bit miffed she
> slapped him and got the same reaction and with that she decided to
> let him be and just observe him.
>
> She sat there all day not moving and happened. Then at three in the
> morning she crawled in to a make-shift bed next to him so if anything
> happened she would know. When she a woke she got a shock the stranger
> was gone, when she sat up there was an even bigger surprise, the
> stranger moved her to where he was, where it was comfortable, and lay
> where she was, where it was not as comfortable. She tried to poke him
> but stopped incase there was more responce than she was ready for.


Posted on Aug 6, 2003, 10:35 PM
from IP address 143.166.226.19

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Do I still have it? Also, Washu's hat fetish.

by (no login)

>
> The meeting of a new friend!
> by A. Richmond
>
> It was a nice clear sunny day around the Masaki home, when there
> was suddenly an electric storm. From which a tall, well bulit man
> fell with a sickening crunch. Soon a shadow fell upon him. So the
> tale begins!
>
> chapter 1: hi there!

ONIKO: Hi!
VIPER <Abe>: Follow me.
ONIKO: Okay.
[VIPER and ONIKO get out of their seats and tiptoe around the
theater.]

>
> The first person to discover the stranger, was by Mihoshi, whose
> reaction was a scream when she tripped over him, oblivous the fact
> that he was lying in plain sight. Tenchi came to see what the
> comotion was and was shocked to find Mihoshi sprawled on the floor
> next to some guy lying in an awkward position that signaled bad
> injurys.

SHERLOCK: The fact that he had his head up his arse was a
dead giveaway.
BRANDT <Guy>: Mad Gears... coming... escape while... you can...

> "What the hell is going on, now?" came Ryoko's voice, before
> Tenchi had a second thought. "My, my, who's this?" enquired Ryoko
> with some surprise, "and should he be lying like that?"

SHERLOCK: Of course he should. He worked for the Clintons.

>
> The stranger was wearing a plain black baseball cap pulled down so
> that his face didn't show above his jaw,

ALAIR: Clark Steel?

> a baggy shirt with a double
> shoulder holster which contained two fully automatic 9 mm Uzis'.

ALAIR: I seem to recall that private citizens owning full-auto weaponry
is... oh, what's the word...
MAX: Illegal?
ALAIR: Yes, thank you.

> A
> pair of baggy black jeans on which hung a mobile phone, strapped to
> his right leg is what looked like a shotgun but it had almost no
> stock or barrel,

VIPER: ...and a noticeable lack of lock and smoke, too.
MAX: Sawed-off's illegal too, I think.
ONIKO: Oh, pshaw. He's far too l33t to be arrested on minor stuff like
illegal firearms.

> he was wearing a strange looking watch with lots of
> strange looking coloured balls on the strap and in his hands he had a
> small metalic object and a ninja sword with the kanji for 'elemental
> bakemono nihonto' ( elemental monster sword) etched on the hilt.

BRANDT: Is it an elemental sword made by monsters, a sword from elemental
monsters, or a monster's sword from an elemental?
VIPER <Karsh>: Yes.
ONIKO: I'm thinkin' it should've been "uguna yanki nihontou." [He grins.] Not that
I'm one to talk, though...

[It should be something like, "kouseitan'i kaijuu nihontou"... I think.
He's saying "stupid white-boy/Yankee sword," for the record.]

> At
> his waist hung two beautfully crafted knives with hanldes decorated
> with snakes which were in the scabbards for them which were decorated
> with black widow spiders, and on the back of his jeans hung a combat
> knife and to complement his outfit he wore a black pair of boots
> which where tall enough to hide a throwing knife in each.

MAX: He's other ShadowRun Street Samurai ever created.

>
> Ryoko stood there, and decided to state the obvious "he certinly
> likes black doesn't he?",

BRANDT: ...and he'll never go back.

> everybody just ignored this comment which
> annoyed Ryoko. "Well hadn't we better try to see who this guy is and
> tend to his injurys?"came Washu's voice, scaring everyone half to
> death.
>
> chapter 2: who are you?
>
> It was a full two days' to even get him to lie straight

BRANDT <guy>: I am a crook.
SHERLOCK: No, no, no...

> without
> adding even more injurys, by now the only people who hadn't seen the
> stanger was Minagai, Kiyone and Sasami. Even Ayeka had quick look at
> the stranger was. Washu had noticed that his body seemed to be
> healing at an extremely rapid rate while he slept, almost like in the
> vampire tales like Dracula.

MAX <Gabe>: I'm okay... my mutant healing power is kicking in.
SHERLOCK <Tycho>: You don't have a mutant healing power.
MAX <Gabe>: Well... shit.

>
> At lunch Tenchi asked how the stranger was doing, washu's answer was:
> "he seems to be human but he heals at a rapid rate, I estimate that
> he will be awake with in three days at the least. I don't seem to be
> able to pry that hat out off of his head, it's almost as if it's
> being held by some invisible force,"

ONIKO: He must get his hats at the same place as Raiden.
ALAIR: It's the Terry Bogard Effect. If you really want it off, try
getting him to say, "okay!"

> thats when Ryoko replied "Its
> just that your a wimp! I'm surpised that you can sit up in bed on
> your own, squirt". "now, now, girls theres no need to be so mean at
> this time or anytime for that matter! so just get along" said
> Tenchi, amazed at himself for making his little speech

MAX: The same speech he makes *every single day.*

> decided to sit
> there quietly for the rest of the morning. After lunch Washu noticed
> that the stranger had moved almost as if he was sleeping, she was
> pleased that she had manged to remove his weapons apart from the
> scabard for the sword and that damn object in his hand!, she was
> dying to find out what it did!

THIEF: Lady, it's nothing special. You've probably got one just like
it shoved under your bed.
MAX: ...and why does *she* care, anyway? It's not as if anything's
shown any sort of strange phenomena. Aside from the whole "appearing
out of nowhere" thing, anyway.
SHERLOCK: I'm just curious as to why every bizzare event in Japan is
centered around Tenchi's house.

>
> chapter 3: Its' gonna be a long day
>
> It was the very next day that Washu decided to see she could pry the
> hat off his head and that object from his hand, just to see what it
> did!, she told herself "it's all in the aid of science!",

ONIKO: Science!
[VIPER plays a quick 80's synth riff on a portable keyboard.]
MAX: Okay, so she tried getting his hat off-
[THIEF chuckles.]
MAX: ...but couldn't, and she's going to try now. Is it just me, or
did continuity just go out the window?

> "bullshit"
> replied her mind. When she got down to her lab she got a surprise,
> the subject was gone! After a bit of searching she discovered that he
> had fallen off the table and was lying face down on the floor, when
> she tried to lift him she found he was rather light and that she
> could carry him anywhere without any effort then finally she went and

VIPER: ...threw him into the fairy fountain to get more arrows!
MAX: I always thought that was a weird thing to wish for.
BRANDT: Yeah, he could've wished for world peace.
MAX: ...something like that, yeah. But more bombs? What was he on?
ONIKO: The Magic Powder. Duh.

> got some breakfast, when she returned she found Ryoko trying to
> remove the hat!, "so you wanted to try it too?" said Washu,
> surprising Ryoko. Ryoko's reply was spat out at Washu, "I thought
> that since you were trying to get the hat off, I would come and help.
> But it seems stuck and I can't cut it at all.",

VIPER: Admantium hats. Spiffy.
MAX: Could be Gundanium.
VIPER: What's the difference?
MAX: Well, one is...
[Long pause.]
MAX: I have no freakin' clue.

> "YOU DID WHAT!"
> screamed Washu, gathering herself, she said "you don't try to cut his
> hat off incase you injure him." "I was only trying to help you"
> replied Ryoko and with that she teleported to go and pick on Ayeka.
> "Good, she's gone" said Washu under her breath.
>
> That afternoon after lunch Washu decided that she would give up
> trying to remove the hat and object from the stranger as she had been
> trying all morning.

ALAIR: Washu, admit it: You're obsessed.
VIPER <Washu as Tycho>: I'm the king of hats!

> It was when Washu gave up she noticed that he had
> an ear-ring in his left ear and the jewel in it was black and that he
> had a cross hanging around his neck and this was also made from the
> black jewel and

VIPER <singing>: She saw a line of cars and they're all painted black...

> it was engraved with 'G.F. warrior' in really small
> writing.

MAX: Oh, a Final Fantasy VIII crossover. Super.

> She also noticed that he needed a shave and that while he
> was recovering he still grew a beard but it wasn't growing very fast,
> which puzzled Washu, but then again this is nothing new. Washu then
> decided to leave him in peace for today.
>
> chapter 4: getting up!
>
> When Washu went to check on him she was mildly surprised to find him
> floating in mid-air, then after a while it dawned on her that he was
> floating on his own!

SHERLOCK <Venkman>: He sleeps above his covers. *Four feet* above his
covers.

> Washu called Ryoko who was really shocked and
> this disbanded that it was Ryoko playing a trick! then as mysteriosly
> as he began to float he began to descend, feeling a lot of different
> emotions, Washu looked at Ryoko then went and had lunch. After lunch
> Tenchi came and had a look and he was more shocked that Washu was
> because the stranger was sitting up!,

MAX: What's with all the drama? It's just some guy sitting up!
SHERLOCK: It's the *self-insertion author* sitting up. There's a
difference.

> Tenchi shot out of the lab and
> ran straight into Washu, "h..h...he's u..up," gathering himself
> Tenchi said "he's", "up" replied Washu and ran in to the lab to
> find.....

BRANDT: A check for one billion dollars!
VIPER <The Green Herring>: ...woah. [he O_O's] I WANT THAT!
ONIKO <Twelve>: No. These are my billion dollars. 'Sides, I'm going to
spend them all today anyway.
VIPER <TGH>: On what?
[Dramatic pause.]
ONIKO <Twelve>: ...breaking shit.

>
> chapter 5: surprise!
>
> The stranger sitting up still alseep! but sitting up anyway, then
> Washu poked him in the ribs to be sure that he was still asleep, and
> to her surprise she got a sleepy "fuck off!", a bit miffed she
> slapped him and got the same reaction and with that she decided to
> let him be and just observe him.

[ALL pull out plastic dishes with brains in them.]

>
> She sat there all day not moving and happened. Then at three in the
> morning she crawled in to a make-shift bed next to him so if anything
> happened she would know.

MAX: Not that there's any sort of alarm or camera she could set up in
her lab, no sir...

> When she a woke she got a shock the stranger
> was gone, when she sat up there was an even bigger surprise, the
> stranger moved her to where he was, where it was comfortable, and lay
> where she was, where it was not as comfortable. She tried to poke him
> but stopped incase there was more responce than she was ready for.

MAX: Yeah, he could... I don't know, *explode* or something if you poke
him the wrong way.
THIEF: Or he could explode if you poked him the *right* way.
MAX: What're you... ew.

Posted on Aug 6, 2003, 10:51 PM
from IP address 24.195.121.126

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Now all we need is the support group

by Teen Sensation Lainer (no login)

>
> The meeting of a new friend!
> by A. Richmond
>
> It was a nice clear sunny day around the Masaki home, when there
> was suddenly an electric storm. From which a tall, well bulit man
> fell with a sickening crunch. Soon a shadow fell upon him.

SHERLOCK: It fell with more of a pleasantly smelling crunch.

> So the tale begins!
>
> chapter 1: hi there!

ONIKO: Hi!
VIPER <Abe>: Follow me.
ONIKO: Okay.
[VIPER and ONIKO get out of their seats and tiptoe around the
theater.]

>
> The first person to discover the stranger, was by Mihoshi, whose
> reaction was a scream when she tripped over him, oblivous the fact
> that he was lying in plain sight. Tenchi came to see what the
> comotion was and was shocked to find Mihoshi sprawled on the floor
> next to some guy lying in an awkward position that signaled bad
> injurys.

ALAIR <Washu>: I keep telling them that the robo-Mihoshi's soft skin is just a cover for the sharp, jagged metal parts under the surface.
SHERLOCK: The fact that he had his head up his arse was a
dead giveaway.
BRANDT <Guy>: Mad Gears... coming... escape while... you can...

> "What the hell is going on, now?" came Ryoko's voice, before
> Tenchi had a second thought. "My, my, who's this?" enquired Ryoko
> with some surprise, "and should he be lying like that?"

SHERLOCK: Of course he should. He worked for the Clintons.

>
> The stranger was wearing a plain black baseball cap pulled down so
> that his face didn't show above his jaw,

ALAIR: Clark Steel?

> a baggy shirt with a double
> shoulder holster which contained two fully automatic 9 mm Uzis'.

ALAIR: I seem to recall that private citizens owning full-auto weaponry
is... oh, what's the word...
MAX: Illegal?
ALAIR: Yes, thank you.

> A
> pair of baggy black jeans on which hung a mobile phone, strapped to
> his right leg is what looked like a shotgun but it had almost no
> stock or barrel,

VIPER: ...and a noticeable lack of lock and smoke, too.
MAX: Sawed-off's illegal too, I think.
ONIKO: Oh, pshaw. He's far too l33t to be arrested on minor stuff like
illegal firearms.

> he was wearing a strange looking watch with lots of
> strange looking coloured balls on the strap and in his hands he had a
> small metalic object and a ninja sword with the kanji for 'elemental
> bakemono nihonto' ( elemental monster sword) etched on the hilt.

BRANDT: Is it an elemental sword made by monsters, a sword from elemental
monsters, or a monster's sword from an elemental?
VIPER <Karsh>: Yes.
ONIKO: I'm thinkin' it should've been "uguna yanki nihontou." [He grins.] Not that
I'm one to talk, though...

[It should be something like, "kouseitan'i kaijuu nihontou"... I think.
He's saying "stupid white-boy/Yankee sword," for the record.]

> At
> his waist hung two beautfully crafted knives with hanldes decorated
> with snakes which were in the scabbards for them which were decorated
> with black widow spiders,

ALAIR: Actually, that's not a decoration.
VIPER <Adam>: Get them off! Get them off!

> and on the back of his jeans hung a combat
> knife and to complement his outfit he wore a black pair of boots
> which where tall enough to hide a throwing knife in each.

MAX: He's other ShadowRun Street Samurai ever created.

[the only?]

>
> Ryoko stood there, and decided to state the obvious "he certinly
> likes black doesn't he?",

BRANDT: ...and he'll never go back.
VIPER: And if you'd open up his chest you'd find a black heart.
MAX: And that red door he's got with him, that's black too.

> everybody just ignored this comment which
> annoyed Ryoko. "Well hadn't we better try to see who this guy is and
> tend to his injurys?"came Washu's voice, scaring everyone half to
> death.
>
> chapter 2: who are you?

ALAIR: I'm Alair, the atypical psychic cyborg girl with a mysterious past.
VIPER: I'm Viper, the atypical cute mascot thing.
SHERLOCK: I'm Batman.
BRANDT: I'm Brandt, the atypical anime/video game fanboy.
ONIKO: I'm Oniko, the atypical anime/video game fanboy.
MAX: I'm Max, the atypical anime/video... er...

>
> It was a full two days' to even get him to lie straight

BRANDT <guy>: I am a crook.
SHERLOCK: No, no, no...

> without
> adding even more injurys, by now the only people who hadn't seen the
> stanger was Minagai, Kiyone and Sasami. Even Ayeka had quick look at
> the stranger was. Washu had noticed that his body seemed to be
> healing at an extremely rapid rate while he slept, almost like in the
> vampire tales like Dracula.

MAX <Gabe>: I'm okay... my mutant healing power is kicking in.
SHERLOCK <Tycho>: You don't have a mutant healing power.
MAX <Gabe>: Well... shit.

>
> At lunch Tenchi asked how the stranger was doing, washu's answer was:

THIEF <Washu>: Stranger? What strnger? Say, this is a nice stew, huh?

> "he seems to be human but he heals at a rapid rate, I estimate that
> he will be awake with in three days at the least. I don't seem to be
> able to pry that hat out off of his head, it's almost as if it's
> being held by some invisible force,"

ONIKO: He must get his hats at the same place as Raiden.
ALAIR: It's the Terry Bogard Effect. If you really want it off, try
getting him to say, "okay!"

> thats when Ryoko replied "Its
> just that your a wimp! I'm surpised that you can sit up in bed on
> your own, squirt". "now, now, girls theres no need to be so mean at
> this time or anytime for that matter! so just get along" said
> Tenchi, amazed at himself for making his little speech

MAX: The same speech he makes *every single day.*

> decided to sit
> there quietly for the rest of the morning. After lunch Washu noticed
> that the stranger had moved almost as if he was sleeping, she was
> pleased that she had manged to remove his weapons apart from the
> scabard for the sword and that damn object in his hand!, she was
> dying to find out what it did!

THIEF: Lady, it's nothing special. You've probably got one just like
it shoved under your bed.
MAX: ...and why does *she* care, anyway? It's not as if anything's
shown any sort of strange phenomena. Aside from the whole "appearing
out of nowhere" thing, anyway.
SHERLOCK: I'm just curious as to why every bizzare event in Japan is
centered around Tenchi's house.

>
> chapter 3: Its' gonna be a long day
>
> It was the very next day that Washu decided to see she could pry the
> hat off his head and that object from his hand, just to see what it
> did!, she told herself "it's all in the aid of science!",

ONIKO: Science!
[VIPER plays a quick 80's synth riff on a portable keyboard.]
MAX: Okay, so she tried getting his hat off-
[THIEF chuckles.]
MAX: ...but couldn't, and she's going to try now. Is it just me, or
did continuity just go out the window?

> "bullshit"
> replied her mind.

ALAIR: As did the readers.
ONIKO: Bullshit.
SHERLOCK: Bullshit.
VIPER: Pachinko.
[ALL glare at VIPER]

> When she got down to her lab she got a surprise,
> the subject was gone! After a bit of searching she discovered that he
> had fallen off the table and was lying face down on the floor, when
> she tried to lift him she found he was rather light and that she
> could carry him anywhere without any effort then finally she went and

VIPER: ...threw him into the fairy fountain to get more arrows!
MAX: I always thought that was a weird thing to wish for.
BRANDT: Yeah, he could've wished for world peace.
MAX: ...something like that, yeah. But more bombs? What was he on?
ONIKO: The Magic Powder. Duh.

> got some breakfast, when she returned she found Ryoko trying to
> remove the hat!, "so you wanted to try it too?" said Washu,
> surprising Ryoko. Ryoko's reply was spat out at Washu, "I thought
> that since you were trying to get the hat off, I would come and help.
> But it seems stuck and I can't cut it at all.",

VIPER: Admantium hats. Spiffy.
MAX: Could be Gundanium.
VIPER: What's the difference?
MAX: Well, one is...
[Long pause.]
MAX: I have no freakin' clue.

> "YOU DID WHAT!"
> screamed Washu, gathering herself, she said "you don't try to cut his
> hat off incase you injure him." "I was only trying to help you"
> replied Ryoko and with that she teleported to go and pick on Ayeka.
> "Good, she's gone" said Washu under her breath.
>
> That afternoon after lunch Washu decided that she would give up
> trying to remove the hat and object from the stranger as she had been
> trying all morning.

ALAIR: Washu, admit it: You're obsessed.
VIPER <Washu as Tycho>: I'm the king of hats!

> It was when Washu gave up she noticed that he had
> an ear-ring in his left ear and the jewel in it was black and that he
> had a cross hanging around his neck and this was also made from the
> black jewel and

VIPER <singing>: She saw a line of cars and they're all painted black...

> it was engraved with 'G.F. warrior' in really small
> writing.

SHERLOCK: That's funny, I thought that the Garden Fungus warriors disbanded.
MAX: Oh, a Final Fantasy VIII crossover. Super.

[Actually yes. The stupidly long list of crossovers is in the next chapter]

> She also noticed that he needed a shave and that while he
> was recovering he still grew a beard but it wasn't growing very fast,
> which puzzled Washu, but then again this is nothing new. Washu then
> decided to leave him in peace for today.
>
> chapter 4: getting up!

THIEF: Doesn't look much different from here.

>
> When Washu went to check on him she was mildly surprised to find him
> floating in mid-air, then after a while it dawned on her that he was
> floating on his own!

SHERLOCK <Venkman>: He sleeps above his covers. *Four feet* above his
covers.

[You stole my song ref and my Ghostbusters line. Only because of Slugata am I allowing you to live- Lainer]

> Washu called Ryoko who was really shocked and
> this disbanded that it was Ryoko playing a trick!

MAX: You haven't ruled out the invisible gnomes yet though.

> then as mysteriosly
> as he began to float he began to descend, feeling a lot of different
> emotions, Washu looked at Ryoko then went and had lunch.

MAX: Surge of emotions, looks at Ryoko, has "lunch". I'm getting some conflicting messages here.
ONIKO: That's because you still have morals.
MAX: Oh, right, duh.

> After lunch
> Tenchi came and had a look and he was more shocked that Washu was
> because the stranger was sitting up!,

MAX: What's with all the drama? It's just some guy sitting up!
SHERLOCK: It's the *self-insertion author* sitting up. There's a
difference.

> Tenchi shot out of the lab and
> ran straight into Washu, "h..h...he's u..up," gathering himself
> Tenchi said "he's", "up" replied Washu and ran in to the lab to
> find.....

BRANDT: A check for one billion dollars!
VIPER <The Green Herring>: ...woah. [he O_O's] I WANT THAT!
ONIKO <Twelve>: No. These are my billion dollars. 'Sides, I'm going to
spend them all today anyway.
VIPER <TGH>: On what?
[Dramatic pause.]
ONIKO <Twelve>: ...breaking shit.

>
> chapter 5: surprise!

ALL: AHHH!
ONIKO: Stop doing that!

>
> The stranger sitting up still alseep! but sitting up anyway, then
> Washu poked him in the ribs to be sure that he was still asleep, and
> to her surprise she got a sleepy "fuck off!", a bit miffed she
> slapped him and got the same reaction and with that she decided to
> let him be and just observe him.

[ALL pull out plastic dishes with brains in them.]

>
> She sat there all day not moving and happened. Then at three in the
> morning she crawled in to a make-shift bed next to him so if anything
> happened she would know.

MAX: Not that there's any sort of alarm or camera she could set up in
her lab, no sir...

> When she a woke she got a shock the stranger
> was gone, when she sat up there was an even bigger surprise, the
> stranger moved her to where he was, where it was comfortable, and lay
> where she was, where it was not as comfortable.

VIPER: I'm confused.
ALAIR: What about?
VIPER: Well, first he switched places with her.
ALAIR: Right.
VIPER: And then he covered Washu in Lays potato chips.
ONIKO: Yes.
VIPER: And later went on to save the Floozlies from the evil Garbos.
SHERLOCK: Uh-huh.
VIPER: But... then what?
BRANDT: He went to Narnia and became a wonderful princess.
VIPER: Oh, okay now it makes sense.
[ALAIR screams and throttles VIPER]

> She tried to poke him
> but stopped incase there was more responce than she was ready for.

MAX: Yeah, he could... I don't know, *explode* or something if you poke
him the wrong way.
THIEF: Or he could explode if you poked him the *right* way.
MAX: What're you... ew.

Posted on Aug 7, 2003, 12:00 AM
from IP address 64.168.27.50

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Return to Index

This fic seems rushed. Good thing these riffs aren't!

by Penfold (no login)

>
> The meeting of a new friend!
> by A. Richmond
>
> It was a nice clear sunny day around the Masaki home, when there
> was suddenly an electric storm. From which a tall, well bulit man
> fell

BRANDT <singing>: It's raining men! Hallejulah, it's raining men! Amen!
[ALL stare at BRANDT.]

> with a sickening crunch. Soon a shadow fell upon him.

SHERLOCK: It fell with more of a pleasantly smelling crunch.

> So the tale begins!
>
> chapter 1: hi there!

ONIKO: Hi!
VIPER <Abe>: Follow me.
ONIKO: Okay.
[VIPER and ONIKO get out of their seats and tiptoe around the
theater.]

>
> The first person to discover the stranger, was by Mihoshi, whose
> reaction was a scream when she tripped over him, oblivous the fact
> that he was lying in plain sight. Tenchi came to see what the
> comotion was and was shocked to find Mihoshi sprawled on the floor
> next to some guy lying in an awkward position that signaled bad
> injurys.

ALAIR <Washu>: I keep telling them that the robo-Mihoshi's soft skin is just a cover for the sharp, jagged metal parts under the surface.
SHERLOCK: The fact that he had his head up his arse was a
dead giveaway.
BRANDT <Guy>: Mad Gears... coming... escape while... you can...

> "What the hell is going on, now?" came Ryoko's voice, before
> Tenchi had a second thought. "My, my, who's this?" enquired Ryoko
> with some surprise, "and should he be lying like that?"

SHERLOCK: Of course he should. He worked for the Clintons.

[OR]

ALAIR <Tenchi>: Technically, the British are lying, if anyone. He's just repeating their intelligence without confirmation from the CIA.

>
> The stranger was wearing a plain black baseball cap pulled down so
> that his face didn't show above his jaw,

ALAIR: Clark Steel?

> a baggy shirt with a double
> shoulder holster which contained two fully automatic 9 mm Uzis'.

ALAIR: I seem to recall that private citizens owning full-auto weaponry
is... oh, what's the word...
MAX: Illegal?
ALAIR: Yes, thank you.

> A
> pair of baggy black jeans on which hung a mobile phone, strapped to
> his right leg is what looked like a shotgun but it had almost no
> stock or barrel,

VIPER: ...and a noticeable lack of lock and smoke, too.
MAX: Sawed-off's illegal too, I think.
ONIKO: Oh, pshaw. He's far too l33t to be arrested on minor stuff like
illegal firearms.

> he was wearing a strange looking watch with lots of
> strange looking coloured balls on the strap and in his hands he had a
> small metalic object and a ninja sword with the kanji for 'elemental
> bakemono nihonto' ( elemental monster sword) etched on the hilt.

BRANDT: Is it an elemental sword made by monsters, a sword from elemental
monsters, or a monster's sword from an elemental?
VIPER <Karsh>: Yes.
ONIKO: I'm thinkin' it should've been "uguna yanki nihontou." [He grins.] Not that
I'm one to talk, though...

[It should be something like, "kouseitan'i kaijuu nihontou"... I think.
He's saying "stupid white-boy/Yankee sword," for the record.]

> At
> his waist hung two beautfully crafted knives with hanldes decorated
> with snakes which were in the scabbards for them which were decorated
> with black widow spiders,

ALAIR: Actually, that's not a decoration.
VIPER <Adam>: Get them off! Get them off!

> and on the back of his jeans hung a combat
> knife and to complement his outfit he wore a black pair of boots
> which where tall enough to hide a throwing knife in each.

MAX: He's other ShadowRun Street Samurai ever created.
ALAIR: ...all that to describe his weapons, and we don't even know his hair color yet.

[the only?]

>
> Ryoko stood there, and decided to state the obvious "he certinly
> likes black doesn't he?",

BRANDT: ...and he'll never go back.
VIPER: And if you'd open up his chest you'd find a black heart.
MAX: And that red door he's got with him, that's black too.

> everybody just ignored this comment which
> annoyed Ryoko. "Well hadn't we better try to see who this guy is and
> tend to his injurys?"came Washu's voice, scaring everyone half to
> death.
>
> chapter 2: who are you?

ALAIR: I'm Alair, the atypical psychic cyborg girl with a mysterious past.
VIPER: I'm Viper, the atypical cute mascot thing.
SHERLOCK: I'm Batman.
BRANDT: I'm Brandt, the atypical anime/video game fanboy.
ONIKO: I'm Oniko, the atypical anime/video game fanboy.
MAX: I'm Max, the atypical anime/video... er...

[OR, after Sherlock's]

BRANDT: I am the Terror that Flaps in the Night. I am the... [notices ONIKO glaring at him] ...guy with the foot in his mouth. Sorry.

>
> It was a full two days' to even get him to lie straight

BRANDT <guy>: I am a crook.
SHERLOCK: No, no, no...

> without
> adding even more injurys, by now the only people who hadn't seen the
> stanger was Minagai, Kiyone and Sasami. Even Ayeka had quick look at
> the stranger was. Washu had noticed that his body seemed to be
> healing at an extremely rapid rate while he slept, almost like in the
> vampire tales like Dracula.

MAX <Gabe>: I'm okay... my mutant healing power is kicking in.
SHERLOCK <Tycho>: You don't have a mutant healing power.
MAX <Gabe>: Well... shit.

>
> At lunch Tenchi asked how the stranger was doing, washu's answer was:

THIEF <Washu>: Stranger? What strnger? Say, this is a nice stew, huh?

> "he seems to be human but he heals at a rapid rate, I estimate that
> he will be awake with in three days at the least. I don't seem to be
> able to pry that hat out off of his head, it's almost as if it's
> being held by some invisible force,"

ONIKO: He must get his hats at the same place as Raiden.
ALAIR: It's the Terry Bogard Effect. If you really want it off, try
getting him to say, "okay!"

> thats when Ryoko replied "Its
> just that your a wimp! I'm surpised that you can sit up in bed on
> your own, squirt". "now, now, girls theres no need to be so mean at
> this time or anytime for that matter! so just get along" said
> Tenchi, amazed at himself for making his little speech

MAX: The same speech he makes *every single day.*

> decided to sit
> there quietly for the rest of the morning. After lunch Washu noticed
> that the stranger had moved almost as if he was sleeping, she was
> pleased that she had manged to remove his weapons apart from the
> scabard for the sword and that damn object in his hand!, she was
> dying to find out what it did!

THIEF: Lady, it's nothing special. You've probably got one just like
it shoved under your bed.
MAX: ...and why does *she* care, anyway? It's not as if anything's
shown any sort of strange phenomena. Aside from the whole "appearing
out of nowhere" thing, anyway.
SHERLOCK: I'm just curious as to why every bizzare event in Japan is
centered around Tenchi's house.

>
> chapter 3: Its' gonna be a long day

ALAIR: Not for us! If all the chapters are this short, we'll be out of here in-
LANCE <over intercom>: There are five fics with a total of eighty-two chapters.
ALAIR: -about a week.

>
> It was the very next day that Washu decided to see she could pry the
> hat off his head and that object from his hand, just to see what it
> did!, she told herself "it's all in the aid of science!",

ONIKO: Science!
[VIPER plays a quick 80's synth riff on a portable keyboard.]
MAX: Okay, so she tried getting his hat off-
[THIEF chuckles.]
MAX: ...but couldn't, and she's going to try now. Is it just me, or
did continuity just go out the window?

> "bullshit"
> replied her mind.

ALAIR: As did the readers.
ONIKO: Bullshit.
SHERLOCK: Bullshit.
VIPER: Pachinko.
[ALL glare at VIPER]

> When she got down to her lab she got a surprise,
> the subject was gone! After a bit of searching she discovered that he
> had fallen off the table and was lying face down on the floor, when
> she tried to lift him she found he was rather light and that she
> could carry him anywhere without any effort then finally she went and

VIPER: ...threw him into the fairy fountain to get more arrows!
MAX: I always thought that was a weird thing to wish for.
BRANDT: Yeah, he could've wished for world peace.
MAX: ...something like that, yeah. But more bombs? What was he on?
ONIKO: The Magic Powder. Duh.

> got some breakfast, when she returned she found Ryoko trying to
> remove the hat!, "so you wanted to try it too?" said Washu,
> surprising Ryoko. Ryoko's reply was spat out at Washu, "I thought
> that since you were trying to get the hat off, I would come and help.
> But it seems stuck and I can't cut it at all.",

VIPER: Admantium hats. Spiffy.
MAX: Could be Gundanium.
VIPER: What's the difference?
MAX: Well, one is...
[Long pause.]
MAX: I have no freakin' clue.

> "YOU DID WHAT!"
> screamed Washu, gathering herself, she said "you don't try to cut his
> hat off incase you injure him." "I was only trying to help you"
> replied Ryoko and with that she teleported to go and pick on Ayeka.
> "Good, she's gone" said Washu under her breath.
>
> That afternoon after lunch Washu decided that she would give up
> trying to remove the hat and object from the stranger as she had been
> trying all morning.

ALAIR: Washu, admit it: You're obsessed.
VIPER <Washu as Tycho>: I'm the king of hats!

> It was when Washu gave up she noticed that he had
> an ear-ring in his left ear and the jewel in it was black and that he
> had a cross hanging around his neck and this was also made from the
> black jewel and

VIPER <singing>: She saw a line of cars and they're all painted black...

> it was engraved with 'G.F. warrior' in really small
> writing.

SHERLOCK: That's funny, I thought that the Garden Fungus warriors disbanded.
MAX: Oh, a Final Fantasy VIII crossover. Super.

[Actually yes. The stupidly long list of crossovers is in the next chapter]

> She also noticed that he needed a shave and that while he
> was recovering he still grew a beard but it wasn't growing very fast,
> which puzzled Washu, but then again this is nothing new. Washu then
> decided to leave him in peace for today.
>
> chapter 4: getting up!

THIEF: Doesn't look much different from here.

>
> When Washu went to check on him she was mildly surprised to find him
> floating in mid-air, then after a while it dawned on her that he was
> floating on his own!

SHERLOCK <Venkman>: He sleeps above his covers. *Four feet* above his
covers.

[You stole my song ref and my Ghostbusters line. Only because of Slugata am I allowing you to live- Lainer]

> Washu called Ryoko who was really shocked and
> this disbanded that it was Ryoko playing a trick!

MAX: You haven't ruled out the invisible gnomes yet though.

> then as mysteriosly
> as he began to float he began to descend, feeling a lot of different
> emotions, Washu looked at Ryoko then went and had lunch.

MAX: Surge of emotions, looks at Ryoko, has "lunch". I'm getting some conflicting messages here.
ONIKO: That's because you still have morals.
MAX: Oh, right, duh.

> After lunch
> Tenchi came and had a look and he was more shocked that Washu was
> because the stranger was sitting up!,

MAX: What's with all the drama? It's just some guy sitting up!
SHERLOCK: It's the *self-insertion author* sitting up. There's a
difference.

> Tenchi shot out of the lab and
> ran straight into Washu, "h..h...he's u..up," gathering himself
> Tenchi said "he's", "up" replied Washu and ran in to the lab to
> find.....

BRANDT: A check for one billion dollars!
VIPER <The Green Herring>: ...woah. [he O_O's] I WANT THAT!
ONIKO <Twelve>: No. These are my billion dollars. 'Sides, I'm going to
spend them all today anyway.
VIPER <TGH>: On what?
[Dramatic pause.]
ONIKO <Twelve>: ...breaking shit.

>
> chapter 5: surprise!

ALL: AHHH!
ONIKO: Stop doing that!

>
> The stranger sitting up still alseep! but sitting up anyway, then
> Washu poked him in the ribs to be sure that he was still asleep, and
> to her surprise she got a sleepy "fuck off!", a bit miffed she
> slapped him and got the same reaction and with that she decided to
> let him be and just observe him.

[ALL pull out plastic dishes with brains in them.]

>
> She sat there all day not moving and happened. Then at three in the
> morning she crawled in to a make-shift bed next to him so if anything
> happened she would know.

MAX: Not that there's any sort of alarm or camera she could set up in
her lab, no sir...

> When she a woke she got a shock the stranger
> was gone, when she sat up there was an even bigger surprise, the
> stranger moved her to where he was, where it was comfortable, and lay
> where she was, where it was not as comfortable.

VIPER: I'm confused.
ALAIR: What about?
VIPER: Well, first he switched places with her.
ALAIR: Right.
VIPER: And then he covered Washu in Lays potato chips.
ONIKO: Yes.
VIPER: And later went on to save the Floozlies from the evil Garbos.
SHERLOCK: Uh-huh.
VIPER: But... then what?
BRANDT: He went to Narnia and became a wonderful princess.
VIPER: Oh, okay now it makes sense.
[ALAIR screams and throttles VIPER]

> She tried to poke him
> but stopped incase there was more responce than she was ready for.

MAX: Yeah, he could... I don't know, *explode* or something if you poke
him the wrong way.
THIEF: Or he could explode if you poked him the *right* way.
MAX: What're you... ew.



Posted on Aug 7, 2003, 12:13 AM
from IP address 24.130.81.205

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That's the most exciting amount of NOTHING I've ever seen.

by Dragomorph (no login)

>
> The meeting of a new friend!
> by A. Richmond

ONIKO: Just your standard Richmond, indistinguishable from all the other Richmonds...

>
> It was a nice clear sunny day around the Masaki home, when there
> was suddenly an electric storm.

MAX: Because as we all know, electric storms are inclined to occur during clear sunny days. Damnit.
BRANDT <singing>: Lightning's striking agaiiin...

From which a tall, well bulit man
> fell with a sickening crunch. Soon a shadow fell upon him.

SHERLOCK: It fell with more of a pleasantly smelling crunch.

> So the tale begins!


ALAIR: Now is the beginning of a fantastic story! Journey with us to the cave of monsters!

>
> chapter 1: hi there!

ONIKO: Hi!
VIPER <Abe>: Follow me.
ONIKO: Okay.
[VIPER and ONIKO get out of their seats and tiptoe around the
theater.]

>
> The first person to discover the stranger, was by Mihoshi, whose
> reaction was a scream when she tripped over him, oblivous the fact
> that he was lying in plain sight.

SHERLOCK: Mihoshi herself, not far away, was relatively unfazed.

Tenchi came to see what the
> comotion was and was shocked to find Mihoshi sprawled on the floor

THIEF: ...with a camera, a jar of lube, and a large bottle of sake stuck in her --
[MAX grabs THIEF's head with his clamp and throws him up into the air. THIEF lands several rows back.]
ONIKO: And in the Toonami version, it'd be "tea," but that's not the point right now.

> next to some guy lying in an awkward position that signaled bad
> injurys.

ALAIR <Washu>: I keep telling them that the robo-Mihoshi's soft skin is just a cover for the sharp, jagged metal parts under the surface.
SHERLOCK: The fact that he had his head up his arse was a
dead giveaway.
BRANDT <Guy>: Mad Gears... coming... escape while... you can...

> "What the hell is going on, now?" came Ryoko's voice, before
> Tenchi had a second thought. "My, my, who's this?" enquired Ryoko
> with some surprise, "and should he be lying like that?"

SHERLOCK: Of course he should. He worked for the Clintons.

>
> The stranger was wearing a plain black baseball cap pulled down so
> that his face didn't show above his jaw,

ALAIR: Clark Steel?

> a baggy shirt with a double
> shoulder holster which contained two fully automatic 9 mm Uzis'.

ALAIR: I seem to recall that private citizens owning full-auto weaponry
is... oh, what's the word...
MAX: Illegal?
ALAIR: Yes, thank you.

> A
> pair of baggy black jeans on which hung a mobile phone, strapped to
> his right leg is what looked like a shotgun but it had almost no
> stock or barrel,

VIPER: ...and a noticeable lack of lock and smoke, too.
MAX: Sawed-off's illegal too, I think.
ONIKO: Oh, pshaw. He's far too l33t to be arrested on minor stuff like
illegal firearms.

> he was wearing a strange looking watch with lots of
> strange looking coloured balls on the strap

BRANDT: ...which he'd gotten from the inside of a cereal box along with his Buzz Lightyear secret decoder ring.

and in his hands he had a
> small metalic object and a ninja sword with the kanji for 'elemental
> bakemono nihonto' ( elemental monster sword) etched on the hilt.

BRANDT: Is it an elemental sword made by monsters, a sword from elemental
monsters, or a monster's sword from an elemental?
VIPER <Karsh>: Yes.
ONIKO: I'm thinkin' it should've been "uguna yanki nihontou." [He grins.] Not that
I'm one to talk, though...

[It should be something like, "kouseitan'i kaijuu nihontou"... I think.
He's saying "stupid white-boy/Yankee sword," for the record.]

> At
> his waist hung two beautfully crafted knives with hanldes decorated
> with snakes which were in the scabbards for them which were decorated
> with black widow spiders,

ALAIR: Actually, that's not a decoration.
VIPER <Adam>: Get them off! Get them off!

> and on the back of his jeans hung a combat
> knife and to complement his outfit he wore a black pair of boots
> which where tall enough to hide a throwing knife in each.

MAX: He's other ShadowRun Street Samurai ever created.
[the only?]
SHERLOCK: Unwelcoming apparel and loaded to the teeth with weapons. Sounds like another beautful day on the streets of LA.

>
> Ryoko stood there, and decided to state the obvious "he certinly
> likes black doesn't he?",

BRANDT: ...and he'll never go back.
VIPER: And if you'd open up his chest you'd find a black heart.
MAX: And that red door he's got with him, that's black too.

> everybody just ignored this comment which
> annoyed Ryoko. "Well hadn't we better try to see who this guy is and
> tend to his injurys?"came Washu's voice, scaring everyone half to
> death.
>
> chapter 2: who are you?

ALAIR: I'm Alair, the atypical psychic cyborg girl with a mysterious past.
VIPER: I'm Viper, the atypical cute mascot thing.
SHERLOCK: I'm Batman.
BRANDT: I'm Brandt, the atypical anime/video game fanboy.
ONIKO: I'm Oniko, the atypical anime/video game fanboy.
MAX: I'm Max, the atypical anime/video... er...

>
> It was a full two days' to even get him to lie straight

BRANDT <guy>: I am a crook.
SHERLOCK: No, no, no...

> without
> adding even more injurys, by now the only people who hadn't seen the
> stanger was Minagai, Kiyone and Sasami.

VIPER: But Mulder was there, frantically trying to get people to notice him before the next murders occurred. Too bad he was strapped to the bed at the time.

Even Ayeka had quick look at
> the stranger was. Washu had noticed that his body seemed to be
> healing at an extremely rapid rate while he slept, almost like in the
> vampire tales like Dracula.

MAX <Gabe>: I'm okay... my mutant healing power is kicking in.
SHERLOCK <Tycho>: You don't have a mutant healing power.
MAX <Gabe>: Well... shit.

>
> At lunch Tenchi asked how the stranger was doing, washu's answer was:

THIEF <Washu>: Stranger? What strnger? Say, this is a nice stew, huh?

> "he seems to be human but he heals at a rapid rate, I estimate that
> he will be awake with in three days at the least. I don't seem to be
> able to pry that hat out off of his head, it's almost as if it's
> being held by some invisible force,"

ONIKO: He must get his hats at the same place as Raiden.
ALAIR: It's the Terry Bogard Effect. If you really want it off, try
getting him to say, "okay!"

> thats when Ryoko replied "Its
> just that your a wimp! I'm surpised that you can sit up in bed on
> your own, squirt".

ALAIR: It's not her fault! She just needs to beat Hercules so she can get the Yellow Trinity first!

"now, now, girls theres no need to be so mean at
> this time or anytime for that matter! so just get along" said
> Tenchi, amazed at himself for making his little speech

MAX: The same speech he makes *every single day.*

> decided to sit
> there quietly for the rest of the morning. After lunch Washu noticed
> that the stranger had moved almost as if he was sleeping, she was
> pleased that she had manged to remove his weapons apart from the
> scabard for the sword and that damn object in his hand!, she was
> dying to find out what it did!

THIEF: Lady, it's nothing special. You've probably got one just like
it shoved under your bed.
MAX: ...and why does *she* care, anyway? It's not as if anything's
shown any sort of strange phenomena. Aside from the whole "appearing
out of nowhere" thing, anyway.
SHERLOCK: I'm just curious as to why every bizzare event in Japan is
centered around Tenchi's house.

>
> chapter 3: Its' gonna be a long day
>
> It was the very next day that Washu decided to see she could pry the
> hat off his head and that object from his hand, just to see what it
> did!, she told herself "it's all in the aid of science!",

ONIKO: Science!
[VIPER plays a quick 80's synth riff on a portable keyboard.]
MAX: Okay, so she tried getting his hat off-
[THIEF chuckles.]
MAX: ...but couldn't, and she's going to try now. Is it just me, or
did continuity just go out the window?

> "bullshit"
> replied her mind.

ALAIR: As did the readers.
ONIKO: Bullshit.
SHERLOCK: Bullshit.
VIPER: Pachinko.
[ALL glare at VIPER]

> When she got down to her lab she got a surprise,
> the subject was gone! After a bit of searching she discovered that he
> had fallen off the table and was lying face down on the floor, when
> she tried to lift him she found he was rather light and that she
> could carry him anywhere without any effort then finally she went and

VIPER: ...threw him into the fairy fountain to get more arrows!
MAX: I always thought that was a weird thing to wish for.
BRANDT: Yeah, he could've wished for world peace.
MAX: ...something like that, yeah. But more bombs? What was he on?
ONIKO: The Magic Powder. Duh.

> got some breakfast, when she returned she found Ryoko trying to
> remove the hat!, "so you wanted to try it too?" said Washu,
> surprising Ryoko. Ryoko's reply was spat out at Washu, "I thought
> that since you were trying to get the hat off, I would come and help.
> But it seems stuck and I can't cut it at all.",

VIPER: Admantium hats. Spiffy.
MAX: Could be Gundanium.
VIPER: What's the difference?
MAX: Well, one is...
[Long pause.]
MAX: I have no freakin' clue.

> "YOU DID WHAT!"
> screamed Washu, gathering herself, she said "you don't try to cut his
> hat off incase you injure him." "I was only trying to help you"
> replied Ryoko and with that she teleported to go and pick on Ayeka.
> "Good, she's gone" said Washu under her breath.

ONIKO <Washu>: Okay, guys, break out the tequila and nachos!
[ALL whoop and holler.]

>
> That afternoon after lunch Washu decided that she would give up
> trying to remove the hat and object from the stranger as she had been
> trying all morning.

ALAIR: Washu, admit it: You're obsessed.
VIPER <Washu as Tycho>: I'm the king of hats!

> It was when Washu gave up she noticed that he had
> an ear-ring in his left ear and the jewel in it was black

ALL: Shock.
SHERLOCK: I've seen more color in penguins.
ALAIR: Wait, so is it the left ear or the right ear that means you're gay?
ONIKO: I dunno, let's ask. Hey Brandt!
BRANDT: Well, I think it's -- wait, why are you asking me?
ONIKO <innocently>: No reason.

and that he
> had a cross hanging around his neck and this was also made from the
> black jewel and

VIPER <singing>: She saw a line of cars and they're all painted black...

> it was engraved with 'G.F. warrior' in really small
> writing.

SHERLOCK: That's funny, I thought that the Garden Fungus warriors disbanded.
MAX: Oh, a Final Fantasy VIII crossover. Super.
[Actually yes. The stupidly long list of crossovers is in the next chapter]

> She also noticed that he needed a shave and that while he
> was recovering he still grew a beard but it wasn't growing very fast,
> which puzzled Washu, but then again this is nothing new. Washu then
> decided to leave him in peace for today.

VIPER: Of course, tomorrow it was going to be tickle-tortures and loud music *all* *freaking* *day.*

>
> chapter 4: getting up!

THIEF: Doesn't look much different from here.

>
> When Washu went to check on him she was mildly surprised to find him
> floating in mid-air, then after a while it dawned on her that he was
> floating on his own!

BRANDT <blankly>: Light as a feather, stiff as a board...
SHERLOCK <Venkman>: He sleeps above his covers. *Four feet* above his
covers.
[You stole my song ref and my Ghostbusters line. Only because of Slugata am I allowing you to live- Lainer]

> Washu called Ryoko who was really shocked and
> this disbanded that it was Ryoko playing a trick!

MAX: You haven't ruled out the invisible gnomes yet though.

> then as mysteriosly
> as he began to float he began to descend, feeling a lot of different
> emotions, Washu looked at Ryoko then went and had lunch.

MAX: Surge of emotions, looks at Ryoko, has "lunch". I'm getting some conflicting messages here.
ONIKO: That's because you still have morals.
MAX: Oh, right, duh.
ALAIR <Marge>: First I was nervous, then anxious, then wary, then apprehensive, then... kind of sleepy, then worried, and then concerned.

> After lunch
> Tenchi came and had a look and he was more shocked that Washu was
> because the stranger was sitting up!,

MAX: What's with all the drama? It's just some guy sitting up!
SHERLOCK: It's the *self-insertion author* sitting up. There's a
difference.

> Tenchi shot out of the lab and
> ran straight into Washu, "h..h...he's u..up," gathering himself
> Tenchi said "he's", "up" replied Washu and ran in to the lab to
> find.....

BRANDT: A check for one billion dollars!
VIPER <The Green Herring>: ...woah. [he O_O's] I WANT THAT!
ONIKO <Twelve>: No. These are my billion dollars. 'Sides, I'm going to
spend them all today anyway.
VIPER <TGH>: On what?
[Dramatic pause.]
ONIKO <Twelve>: ...breaking shit.

>
> chapter 5: surprise!

ALL: AHHH!
ONIKO: Stop doing that!

>
> The stranger sitting up still alseep!

SHERLOCK: So that's five chapters consisting of our hero sleeping, then.
VIPER: This fic brought to you by Andy Warhol.

>but sitting up anyway, then
> Washu poked him in the ribs to be sure that he was still asleep, and
> to her surprise she got a sleepy "fuck off!", a bit miffed she
> slapped him and got the same reaction and with that she decided to
> let him be and just observe him.

[ALL pull out plastic dishes with brains in them.]

>
> She sat there all day not moving and happened. Then at three in the
> morning she crawled in to a make-shift bed next to him so if anything
> happened she would know.

MAX: Not that there's any sort of alarm or camera she could set up in
her lab, no sir...

> When she a woke she got a shock the stranger
> was gone, when she sat up there was an even bigger surprise, the
> stranger moved her to where he was, where it was comfortable, and lay
> where she was, where it was not as comfortable.

VIPER: I'm confused.
ALAIR: What about?
VIPER: Well, first he switched places with her.
ALAIR: Right.
VIPER: And then he covered Washu in Lays potato chips.
ONIKO: Yes.
VIPER: And later went on to save the Floozlies from the evil Garbos.
SHERLOCK: Uh-huh.
VIPER: But... then what?
BRANDT: He went to Narnia and became a wonderful princess.
VIPER: Oh, okay now it makes sense.
[ALAIR screams and throttles VIPER]

> She tried to poke him
> but stopped incase there was more responce than she was ready for.

MAX: Yeah, he could... I don't know, *explode* or something if you poke
him the wrong way.
THIEF: Or he could explode if you poked him the *right* way.
MAX: What're you... ew.

Posted on Aug 7, 2003, 12:39 AM
from IP address 67.75.233.239

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Return to Index

Merged, with a question.

by Dragomorph (no login)

[Sorry, Penfold, my memory's a bit poor. Who the fuck are you? --Drago]

>
> The meeting of a new friend!
> by A. Richmond

ONIKO: Just your standard Richmond, indistinguishable from all the other Richmonds...

>
> It was a nice clear sunny day around the Masaki home, when there
> was suddenly an electric storm.

MAX: Because as we all know, electric storms are inclined to occur during clear sunny days. Damnit.
BRANDT <singing>: Lightning's striking agaiiin...

>From which a tall, well bulit man
> fell with a sickening crunch.

BRANDT <singing>: It's raining men! Hallejulah, it's raining men! Amen!
[ALL stare at BRANDT.]

>Soon a shadow fell upon him.

SHERLOCK: It fell with more of a pleasantly smelling crunch.

> So the tale begins!

ALAIR: Now is the beginning of a fantastic story! Journey with us to the cave of monsters!

>
> chapter 1: hi there!

ONIKO: Hi!
VIPER <Abe>: Follow me.
ONIKO: Okay.
[VIPER and ONIKO get out of their seats and tiptoe around the
theater.]

>
> The first person to discover the stranger, was by Mihoshi, whose
> reaction was a scream when she tripped over him, oblivous the fact
> that he was lying in plain sight.

SHERLOCK: Mihoshi herself, not far away, was relatively unfazed.

>Tenchi came to see what the
> comotion was and was shocked to find Mihoshi sprawled on the floor

THIEF: ...with a camera, a jar of lube, and a large bottle of sake stuck in her --
[MAX grabs THIEF's head with his clamp and throws him up into the air. THIEF lands several rows back.]
ONIKO: And in the Toonami version, it'd be "tea," but that's not the point right now.

> next to some guy lying in an awkward position that signaled bad
> injurys.

ALAIR <Washu>: I keep telling them that the robo-Mihoshi's soft skin is just a cover for the sharp, jagged metal parts under the surface.
SHERLOCK: The fact that he had his head up his arse was a
dead giveaway.
BRANDT <Guy>: Mad Gears... coming... escape while... you can...

> "What the hell is going on, now?" came Ryoko's voice, before
> Tenchi had a second thought. "My, my, who's this?" enquired Ryoko
> with some surprise, "and should he be lying like that?"

SHERLOCK: Of course he should. He worked for the Clintons.
[OR]
ALAIR <Tenchi>: Technically, the British are lying, if anyone. He's just repeating their intelligence without confirmation from the CIA.

>
> The stranger was wearing a plain black baseball cap pulled down so
> that his face didn't show above his jaw,

ALAIR: Clark Steel?

> a baggy shirt with a double
> shoulder holster which contained two fully automatic 9 mm Uzis'.

ALAIR: I seem to recall that private citizens owning full-auto weaponry
is... oh, what's the word...
MAX: Illegal?
ALAIR: Yes, thank you.

> A
> pair of baggy black jeans on which hung a mobile phone, strapped to
> his right leg is what looked like a shotgun but it had almost no
> stock or barrel,

VIPER: ...and a noticeable lack of lock and smoke, too.
MAX: Sawed-off's illegal too, I think.
ONIKO: Oh, pshaw. He's far too l33t to be arrested on minor stuff like
illegal firearms.

> he was wearing a strange looking watch with lots of
> strange looking coloured balls on the strap

BRANDT: ...which he'd gotten from the inside of a cereal box along with his Buzz Lightyear secret decoder ring.

>and in his hands he had a
> small metalic object and a ninja sword with the kanji for 'elemental
> bakemono nihonto' ( elemental monster sword) etched on the hilt.

BRANDT: Is it an elemental sword made by monsters, a sword from elemental
monsters, or a monster's sword from an elemental?
VIPER <Karsh>: Yes.
ONIKO: I'm thinkin' it should've been "uguna yanki nihontou." [He grins.] Not that
I'm one to talk, though...
[It should be something like, "kouseitan'i kaijuu nihontou"... I think.
He's saying "stupid white-boy/Yankee sword," for the record.]

> At
> his waist hung two beautfully crafted knives with hanldes decorated
> with snakes which were in the scabbards for them which were decorated
> with black widow spiders,

ALAIR: Actually, that's not a decoration.
VIPER <Adam>: Get them off! Get them off!

> and on the back of his jeans hung a combat
> knife and to complement his outfit he wore a black pair of boots
> which where tall enough to hide a throwing knife in each.

MAX: He's other ShadowRun Street Samurai ever created.
[the only?]
SHERLOCK: Unwelcoming apparel and loaded to the teeth with weapons. Sounds like another beautful day on the streets of LA.

>
> Ryoko stood there, and decided to state the obvious "he certinly
> likes black doesn't he?",

BRANDT: ...and he'll never go back.
VIPER: And if you'd open up his chest you'd find a black heart.
MAX: And that red door he's got with him, that's black too.

> everybody just ignored this comment which
> annoyed Ryoko. "Well hadn't we better try to see who this guy is and
> tend to his injurys?"came Washu's voice, scaring everyone half to
> death.
>
> chapter 2: who are you?

ALAIR: I'm Alair, the atypical psychic cyborg girl with a mysterious past.
VIPER: I'm Viper, the atypical cute mascot thing.
SHERLOCK: I'm Batman.
BRANDT: I'm Brandt, the atypical anime/video game fanboy.
ONIKO: I'm Oniko, the atypical anime/video game fanboy.
MAX: I'm Max, the atypical anime/video... er...
[OR, after Sherlock's]
BRANDT: I am the Terror that Flaps in the Night. I am the... [notices ONIKO glaring at him] ...guy with the foot in his mouth. Sorry.

>
> It was a full two days' to even get him to lie straight

BRANDT <guy>: I am a crook.
SHERLOCK: No, no, no...

> without
> adding even more injurys, by now the only people who hadn't seen the
> stanger was Minagai, Kiyone and Sasami.

VIPER: But Mulder was there, frantically trying to get people to notice him before the next murders occurred. Too bad he was strapped to the bed at the time.

>Even Ayeka had quick look at
> the stranger was. Washu had noticed that his body seemed to be
> healing at an extremely rapid rate while he slept, almost like in the
> vampire tales like Dracula.

MAX <Gabe>: I'm okay... my mutant healing power is kicking in.
SHERLOCK <Tycho>: You don't have a mutant healing power.
MAX <Gabe>: Well... shit.

>
> At lunch Tenchi asked how the stranger was doing, washu's answer was:

THIEF <Washu>: Stranger? What stranger? Say, this is a nice stew, huh?

> "he seems to be human but he heals at a rapid rate, I estimate that
> he will be awake with in three days at the least. I don't seem to be
> able to pry that hat out off of his head, it's almost as if it's
> being held by some invisible force,"

ONIKO: He must get his hats at the same place as Raiden.
ALAIR: It's the Terry Bogard Effect. If you really want it off, try
getting him to say, "okay!"

> thats when Ryoko replied "Its
> just that your a wimp! I'm surpised that you can sit up in bed on
> your own, squirt".

ALAIR: It's not her fault! She just needs to beat Hercules so she can get the Yellow Trinity first!

>"now, now, girls theres no need to be so mean at
> this time or anytime for that matter! so just get along" said
> Tenchi, amazed at himself for making his little speech

MAX: The same speech he makes *every single day.*

> decided to sit
> there quietly for the rest of the morning. After lunch Washu noticed
> that the stranger had moved almost as if he was sleeping, she was
> pleased that she had manged to remove his weapons apart from the
> scabard for the sword and that damn object in his hand!, she was
> dying to find out what it did!

THIEF: Lady, it's nothing special. You've probably got one just like
it shoved under your bed.
MAX: ...and why does *she* care, anyway? It's not as if anything's
shown any sort of strange phenomena. Aside from the whole "appearing
out of nowhere" thing, anyway.
SHERLOCK: I'm just curious as to why every bizzare event in Japan is
centered around Tenchi's house.

>
> chapter 3: Its' gonna be a long day

ALAIR: Not for us! If all the chapters are this short, we'll be out of here in-
LANCE <over intercom>: There are five fics with a total of eighty-two chapters.
ALAIR: -about a week.

>
> It was the very next day that Washu decided to see she could pry the
> hat off his head and that object from his hand, just to see what it
> did!, she told herself "it's all in the aid of science!",

ONIKO: Science!
[VIPER plays a quick 80's synth riff on a portable keyboard.]
MAX: Okay, so she tried getting his hat off-
[THIEF chuckles.]
MAX: ...but couldn't, and she's going to try now. Is it just me, or
did continuity just go out the window?

> "bullshit"
> replied her mind.

ALAIR: As did the readers.
ONIKO: Bullshit.
SHERLOCK: Bullshit.
VIPER: Pachinko.
[ALL glare at VIPER]

> When she got down to her lab she got a surprise,
> the subject was gone! After a bit of searching she discovered that he
> had fallen off the table and was lying face down on the floor, when
> she tried to lift him she found he was rather light and that she
> could carry him anywhere without any effort then finally she went and

VIPER: ...threw him into the fairy fountain to get more arrows!
MAX: I always thought that was a weird thing to wish for.
BRANDT: Yeah, he could've wished for world peace.
MAX: ...something like that, yeah. But more bombs? What was he on?
ONIKO: The Magic Powder. Duh.

> got some breakfast, when she returned she found Ryoko trying to
> remove the hat!, "so you wanted to try it too?" said Washu,
> surprising Ryoko. Ryoko's reply was spat out at Washu, "I thought
> that since you were trying to get the hat off, I would come and help.
> But it seems stuck and I can't cut it at all.",

VIPER: Admantium hats. Spiffy.
MAX: Could be Gundanium.
VIPER: What's the difference?
MAX: Well, one is...
[Long pause.]
MAX: I have no freakin' clue.

> "YOU DID WHAT!"
> screamed Washu, gathering herself, she said "you don't try to cut his
> hat off incase you injure him." "I was only trying to help you"
> replied Ryoko and with that she teleported to go and pick on Ayeka.
> "Good, she's gone" said Washu under her breath.

ONIKO <Washu>: Okay, guys, break out the tequila and nachos!
[ALL whoop and holler.]

>
> That afternoon after lunch Washu decided that she would give up
> trying to remove the hat and object from the stranger as she had been
> trying all morning.

ALAIR: Washu, admit it: You're obsessed.
VIPER <Washu as Tycho>: I'm the king of hats!

> It was when Washu gave up she noticed that he had
> an ear-ring in his left ear and the jewel in it was black

ALL: Shock.
SHERLOCK: I've seen more color in penguins.
ALAIR: Wait, so is it the left ear or the right ear that means you're gay?
ONIKO: I dunno, let's ask. Hey Brandt!
BRANDT: Well, I think it's -- wait, why are you asking me?
ONIKO <innocently>: No reason.

>and that he
> had a cross hanging around his neck and this was also made from the
> black jewel and

VIPER <singing>: She saw a line of cars and they're all painted black...

> it was engraved with 'G.F. warrior' in really small
> writing.

SHERLOCK: That's funny, I thought that the Garden Fungus warriors disbanded.
MAX: Oh, a Final Fantasy VIII crossover. Super.
[Actually yes. The stupidly long list of crossovers is in the next chapter]

> She also noticed that he needed a shave and that while he
> was recovering he still grew a beard but it wasn't growing very fast,
> which puzzled Washu, but then again this is nothing new. Washu then
> decided to leave him in peace for today.

VIPER: Of course, tomorrow it was going to be tickle-tortures and loud music *all* *freaking* *day.*

>
> chapter 4: getting up!

THIEF: Doesn't look much different from here.

>
> When Washu went to check on him she was mildly surprised to find him
> floating in mid-air, then after a while it dawned on her that he was
> floating on his own!

BRANDT <blankly>: Light as a feather, stiff as a board...
SHERLOCK <Venkman>: He sleeps above his covers. *Four feet* above his
covers.
[You stole my song ref and my Ghostbusters line. Only because of Slugata am I allowing you to live- Lainer]

> Washu called Ryoko who was really shocked and
> this disbanded that it was Ryoko playing a trick!

MAX: You haven't ruled out the invisible gnomes yet though.

> then as mysteriosly
> as he began to float he began to descend, feeling a lot of different
> emotions, Washu looked at Ryoko then went and had lunch.

MAX: Surge of emotions, looks at Ryoko, has "lunch". I'm getting some conflicting messages here.
ONIKO: That's because you still have morals.
MAX: Oh, right, duh.
ALAIR <Marge>: First I was nervous, then anxious, then wary, then apprehensive, then... kind of sleepy, then worried, and then concerned.

> After lunch
> Tenchi came and had a look and he was more shocked that Washu was
> because the stranger was sitting up!,

MAX: What's with all the drama? It's just some guy sitting up!
SHERLOCK: It's the *self-insertion author* sitting up. There's a
difference.

> Tenchi shot out of the lab and
> ran straight into Washu, "h..h...he's u..up," gathering himself
> Tenchi said "he's", "up" replied Washu and ran in to the lab to
> find.....

BRANDT: A check for one billion dollars!
VIPER <The Green Herring>: ...woah. [he O_O's] I WANT THAT!
ONIKO <Twelve>: No. These are my billion dollars. 'Sides, I'm going to
spend them all today anyway.
VIPER <TGH>: On what?
[Dramatic pause.]
ONIKO <Twelve>: ...breaking shit.

>
> chapter 5: surprise!

ALL: AHHH!
ONIKO: Stop doing that!

>
> The stranger sitting up still alseep!

SHERLOCK: So that's five chapters consisting of our hero sleeping, then.
VIPER: This fic brought to you by Andy Warhol.

>but sitting up anyway, then
> Washu poked him in the ribs to be sure that he was still asleep, and
> to her surprise she got a sleepy "fuck off!", a bit miffed she
> slapped him and got the same reaction and with that she decided to
> let him be and just observe him.

[ALL pull out plastic dishes with brains in them.]

>
> She sat there all day not moving and happened. Then at three in the
> morning she crawled in to a make-shift bed next to him so if anything
> happened she would know.

MAX: Not that there's any sort of alarm or camera she could set up in
her lab, no sir...

> When she a woke she got a shock the stranger
> was gone, when she sat up there was an even bigger surprise, the
> stranger moved her to where he was, where it was comfortable, and lay
> where she was, where it was not as comfortable.

VIPER: I'm confused.
ALAIR: What about?
VIPER: Well, first he switched places with her.
ALAIR: Right.
VIPER: And then he covered Washu in Lays potato chips.
ONIKO: Yes.
VIPER: And later went on to save the Floozlies from the evil Garbos.
SHERLOCK: Uh-huh.
VIPER: But... then what?
BRANDT: He went to Narnia and became a wonderful princess.
VIPER: Oh, okay now it makes sense.
[ALAIR screams and throttles VIPER]

> She tried to poke him
> but stopped incase there was more responce than she was ready for.

MAX: Yeah, he could... I don't know, *explode* or something if you poke
him the wrong way.
THIEF: Or he could explode if you poked him the *right* way.
MAX: What're you... ew.

Posted on Aug 7, 2003, 12:52 AM
from IP address 67.75.233.239

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Penfold = Z. (nt) (nr)

by (no login)



Posted on Aug 7, 2003, 12:58 AM
from IP address 24.195.121.126

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Thank you kindly. [nr]

by Dragomorph (no login)

I thought it sounded familiar, but couldn't remember.

I shall now promptly escort myself to the ***DEAD*** section. Thank you.

Dragomorph
***I HAVE DIED***

Posted on Aug 7, 2003, 2:35 AM
from IP address 67.75.194.100

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Sorry 'bout that. [nr]

by Penfold (no login)

The last time I posted on the social board, I used Penfold. Since I signed the message as Z (I don't know which handle was used out of force of habit), and nobody asked me to identify myself, I figured everybody understood that Penfold was another handle of mine.

...that line of reasoning would probably have worked better if I posted more often.

I'm going to do what I should have done a week ago, and make a formal announcement about my new handle.

Once again, I'm sorry about the confusion.


-Penfold

Posted on Aug 7, 2003, 4:01 AM
from IP address 24.130.81.205

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We meet at last, Mr... "Asskicker", you say?

by Alair (no login)

[Sorry, Penfold, my memory's a bit poor. Who the fuck are you? --Drago]

>
> The meeting of a new friend!
> by A. Richmond

ONIKO: Just your standard Richmond, indistinguishable from all the other Richmonds...

>
> It was a nice clear sunny day around the Masaki home, when there
> was suddenly an electric storm.

MAX: Because as we all know, electric storms are inclined to occur during clear sunny days. Damnit.
BRANDT <singing>: Lightning's striking agaiiin...

>From which a tall, well bulit man
> fell with a sickening crunch.

VIPER <Man>: ... I think I fell on my keys.
BRANDT <singing>: It's raining men! Hallejulah, it's raining men! Amen!
[ALL stare at BRANDT.]

>Soon a shadow fell upon him.

SHERLOCK: It fell with more of a pleasantly smelling crunch.

> So the tale begins!

ALAIR: Now is the beginning of a fantastic story! Journey with us to the cave of monsters!

>
> chapter 1: hi there!

ONIKO: hi! how've you been?
VIPER <Abe>: Follow me.
ONIKO: Okay.
[VIPER and ONIKO get out of their seats and tiptoe around the
theater.]

>
> The first person to discover the stranger, was by Mihoshi,

ALAIR: So... the person who discovered the stranger was standing by Mihoshi then?

> whose
> reaction was a scream when she tripped over him, oblivous the fact
> that he was lying in plain sight.

SHERLOCK: Mihoshi herself, not far away, was relatively unfazed.

>Tenchi came to see what the
> comotion was and was shocked to find Mihoshi sprawled on the floor

THIEF: ...with a camera, a jar of lube, and a large bottle of sake stuck in her --
[MAX grabs THIEF's head with his clamp and throws him up into the air. THIEF lands several rows back.]
ONIKO: And in the Toonami version, it'd be "tea," but that's not the point right now.

> next to some guy lying in an awkward position that signaled bad
> injurys.

ALAIR <Washu>: I keep telling them that the robo-Mihoshi's soft skin is just a cover for the sharp, jagged metal parts under the surface.
SHERLOCK: The fact that he had his head up his arse was a
dead giveaway.
BRANDT <Guy>: Mad Gears... coming... escape while... you can...
ONIKO: But were his injuries bad enough to save the President?

> "What the hell is going on, now?" came Ryoko's voice, before
> Tenchi had a second thought.

MAX: Of course, this being Tenchi that can take awhile.

> "My, my, who's this?" enquired Ryoko
> with some surprise, "and should he be lying like that?"

SHERLOCK: Of course he should. He worked for the Clintons.
[OR]
ALAIR <Tenchi>: Technically, the British are lying, if anyone. He's just repeating their intelligence without confirmation from the CIA.

>
> The stranger was wearing a plain black baseball cap pulled down so
> that his face didn't show above his jaw,

ALAIR: Clark Steel?

> a baggy shirt with a double
> shoulder holster which contained two fully automatic 9 mm Uzis'.

ALAIR: I seem to recall that private citizens owning full-auto weaponry
is... oh, what's the word...
MAX: Illegal?
ALAIR: Yes, thank you.

> A
> pair of baggy black jeans on which hung a mobile phone, strapped to
> his right leg is what looked like a shotgun but it had almost no
> stock or barrel,

VIPER: ...and a noticeable lack of lock and smoke, too.
MAX: Sawed-off's illegal too, I think.
ONIKO: Oh, pshaw. He's far too l33t to be arrested on minor stuff like
illegal firearms.

> he was wearing a strange looking watch with lots of
> strange looking coloured balls on the strap

BRANDT: ...which he'd gotten from the inside of a cereal box along with his Buzz Lightyear secret decoder ring.

>and in his hands he had a
> small metalic object and a ninja sword with the kanji for 'elemental
> bakemono nihonto' ( elemental monster sword) etched on the hilt.

BRANDT: Is it an elemental sword made by monsters, a sword from elemental
monsters, or a monster's sword from an elemental?
VIPER <Karsh>: Yes.
ONIKO: I'm thinkin' it should've been "uguna yanki nihontou." [He grins.] Not that
I'm one to talk, though...
[It should be something like, "kouseitan'i kaijuu nihontou"... I think.
He's saying "stupid white-boy/Yankee sword," for the record.]

> At
> his waist hung two beautfully crafted knives with hanldes decorated
> with snakes which were in the scabbards for them which were decorated
> with black widow spiders,

ALAIR: Actually, that's not a decoration.
VIPER <Adam>: Get them off! Get them off!

> and on the back of his jeans hung a combat
> knife and to complement his outfit he wore a black pair of boots
> which where tall enough to hide a throwing knife in each.

MAX: He's every other ShadowRun Street Samurai ever created.
[the only?]
SHERLOCK: Unwelcoming apparel and loaded to the teeth with weapons. Sounds like another beautful day on the streets of LA.

>
> Ryoko stood there, and decided to state the obvious "he certinly
> likes black doesn't he?",

BRANDT: ...and he'll never go back.
VIPER: And if you'd open up his chest you'd find a black heart.
MAX: And that red door he's got with him, that's black too.

> everybody just ignored this comment which
> annoyed Ryoko.

ALAIR: And the Circle of Life is completed again, or something.

> "Well hadn't we better try to see who this guy is and
> tend to his injurys?"came Washu's voice, scaring everyone half to
> death.
>
> chapter 2:


ALAIR: You mean page 2, right?

> who are you?

ALAIR: I'm Alair, the atypical psychic corporate agent with a mysterious past.
VIPER: I'm Viper, the atypical cute mascot thing.
SHERLOCK: I'm Batman.
BRANDT: I'm Brandt, the atypical anime/video game fanboy.
ONIKO: I'm Oniko, the atypical anime/video game fanboy.
MAX: I'm Max, the atypical anime/video... er...
[OR, after Sherlock's]
BRANDT: I am the Terror that Flaps in the Night. I am the... [notices ONIKO glaring at him] ...guy with the foot in his mouth. Sorry.

>
> It was a full two days' to even get him to lie straight

BRANDT <guy>: I am a crook.
SHERLOCK: No, no, no...

> without
> adding even more injurys, by now the only people who hadn't seen the
> stanger was Minagai, Kiyone and Sasami.

VIPER: But Mulder was there, frantically trying to get people to notice him before the next murders occurred. Too bad he was strapped to the bed at the time.

>Even Ayeka had quick look at
> the stranger was.

BRANDT: The stranger was what now?
MAX: And what's so 'even Ayeka' about that? She's a pushy snoop.

> Washu had noticed that his body seemed to be
> healing at an extremely rapid rate while he slept, almost like in the
> vampire tales like Dracula.

BRANDT: I remember that part!
[VIPER jumps up from his seat and lies down on the floor with his arms crossed over his chest and eyes closed in front of the screen. ONIKO approaches with trepidition.]
ONIKO <Jonathon Harker>: His body seems to be healing at an extremely rapid rate as he sleeps!
VIPER <Dracula>: [Opens his eyes] Cool, ain't it? Oh! Hey, check this out!
[VIPER turns into a bat with an overdramatic puff of brimstone]
ONIKO <Jonathon Harker>: Ye gods man!
[They return to their seats, VIPER turning back to normal above his.]
VIPER: ... and I'm sticking to my seat now.
MAX <Gabe>: I'm okay... my mutant healing power is kicking in.
SHERLOCK <Tycho>: You don't have a mutant healing power.
MAX <Gabe>: Well... shit.

>
> At lunch Tenchi asked how the stranger was doing, washu's answer was:

THIEF <Washu>: Stranger? What stranger? Say, this is a nice stew, huh?

> "he seems to be human but he heals at a rapid rate,

BRANDT: They give Mutant Healing Factors out in cereal boxes these days.

> I estimate that
> he will be awake with in three days at the least. I don't seem to be
> able to pry that hat out off of his head, it's almost as if it's
> being held by some invisible force,"

VIPER: That or super glue, Washu. Which do you think?
ONIKO: He must get his hats at the same place as Raiden.
ALAIR: It's the Terry Bogard Effect. If you really want it off, try
getting him to say, "okay!"

> thats when Ryoko replied "Its
> just that your a wimp! I'm surpised that you can sit up in bed on
> your own, squirt".

ALAIR: It's not her fault! She just needs to beat Hercules so she can get the Yellow Trinity first!

>"now, now, girls theres no need to be so mean at
> this time or anytime for that matter! so just get along" said
> Tenchi, amazed at himself for making his little speech

MAX: The same speech he makes *every single day.*

> decided to sit
> there quietly for the rest of the morning. After lunch Washu noticed
> that the stranger had moved almost as if he was sleeping,


ALAIR: ... gasp?

> she was
> pleased that she had manged to remove his weapons apart from the
> scabard for the sword and that damn object in his hand!, she was
> dying to find out what it did!

THIEF: Lady, it's nothing special. You've probably got one just like
it shoved under your bed.
MAX: ...and why does *she* care, anyway? It's not as if anything's
shown any sort of strange phenomena. Aside from the whole "appearing
out of nowhere" thing, anyway.
SHERLOCK: I'm just curious as to why every bizzare event in Japan is
centered around Tenchi's house.

>
> chapter 3:


ALAIR: PAGE Three. If even that.

> Its' gonna be a long day

ALAIR: [Brightens] Not for us! If all the chapters are this short, we'll be out of here in-
LANCE <over intercom>: There are five fics with a total of eighty-two chapters.
ALAIR: -about a week.

>
> It was the very next day that Washu decided to see she could pry the
> hat off his head and that object from his hand, just to see what it
> did!, she told herself "it's all in the aid of science!",

ONIKO: Science!
[VIPER plays a quick 80's synth riff on a portable keyboard.]
MAX: Okay, so she tried getting his hat off-
[THIEF chuckles.]
MAX: ...but couldn't, and she's going to try now. Is it just me, or
did continuity just go out the window?

> "bullshit"
> replied her mind.

MAX: As did the readers.
ONIKO: Bullshit.
SHERLOCK: Bullshit.
VIPER: Pachinko.
[ALL glare at VIPER]
ALAIR <Washu's mind>: "Mom, she's picking on me!" "I wonder if I left the washing machine running" "Does anyone here like cheese?" "Voices!"
[ALL slowly turn to stare at ALAIR]
ALAIR: What?
ONIKO: You wouldn't happen to have a psychotic alter-ego, would you?
ALAIR: ... not that I know of?
ONIKO: Good.

> When she got down to her lab she got a surprise,
> the subject was gone! After a bit of searching she discovered that he
> had fallen off the table and was lying face down on the floor,

ONIKO: Does that really take "a bit of searching" to notice?
ALAIR: He has been protected from the Terrible Secret of Space. [She nods sagely]

> when
> she tried to lift him she found he was rather light and that she
> could carry him anywhere without any effort then finally she went and

VIPER: ...threw him into the fairy fountain to get more arrows!
MAX: I always thought that was a weird thing to wish for.
BRANDT: Yeah, he could've wished for world peace.
MAX: ...something like that, yeah. But more bombs? What was he on?
ONIKO: The Magic Powder. Duh.

> got some breakfast, when she returned she found Ryoko trying to
> remove the hat!, "so you wanted to try it too?" said Washu,
> surprising Ryoko. Ryoko's reply was spat out at Washu, "I thought
> that since you were trying to get the hat off, I would come and help.
> But it seems stuck and I can't cut it at all.",

VIPER: Admantium hats. Spiffy.
MAX: Could be Gundanium.
VIPER: What's the difference?
MAX: Well, one is...
[Long pause.]
MAX: I have no freakin' clue.

> "YOU DID WHAT!" screamed Washu,

SHERLOCK <Washu>: What you say?!

> gathering herself, she said "you don't try to cut his
> hat off incase you injure him."

ALAIR: Um... how likely would that be? Is the top of his head really unusually pointy, or something?

> "I was only trying to help you"
> replied Ryoko and with that she teleported to go and pick on Ayeka.
> "Good, she's gone" said Washu under her breath.

BRANDT: Washu, couldn't you at least try to be a better mother?
ONIKO <Washu>: Okay, guys, break out the tequila and nachos!
[ALL whoop and holler.]

>
> That afternoon after lunch Washu decided that she would give up
> trying to remove the hat and object from the stranger as she had been
> trying all morning.

ALAIR: Washu, admit it: You're obsessed.
VIPER <Washu as Tycho>: I'm the king of hats!

> It was when Washu gave up she noticed that he had
> an ear-ring in his left ear and the jewel in it was black

ALL: Shock.
SHERLOCK: I've seen more color in penguins.
ALAIR: Wait, so is it the left ear or the right ear that means you're gay?
ONIKO: I dunno, let's ask. Hey Brandt!
BRANDT: Well, I think it's -- wait, why are you asking me?
ONIKO <innocently>: No reason.

>and that he
> had a cross hanging around his neck and this was also made from the
> black jewel and

VIPER <singing>: She saw a line of cars and they're all painted black...

> it was engraved with 'G.F. warrior' in really small
> writing.


ONIKO <Thief>: I call it 'Sub-Sub Script'. You owe me fifteen cents just for reading that, by the way.
SHERLOCK: That's funny, I thought that the Garden Fungus warriors disbanded.
MAX: Oh, a Final Fantasy VIII crossover. Super.
[Actually yes. The stupidly long list of crossovers is in the next chapter]

> She also noticed that he needed a shave and that while he
> was recovering he still grew a beard but it wasn't growing very fast,
> which puzzled Washu,

ALAIR: Why? That's pefectly normal.

> but then again this is nothing new. Washu then
> decided to leave him in peace for today.

VIPER: Of course, tomorrow it was going to be tickle-tortures and loud music *all* *freaking* *day.*

>
> chapter 4: getting up!

THIEF: Doesn't look much different from here.

>
> When Washu went to check on him she was mildly surprised to find him
> floating in mid-air, then after a while it dawned on her that he was
> floating on his own!

MAX <sadly>: Washu's as dumb as a bag of rocks in this one, isn't she?
BRANDT <blankly>: Light as a feather, stiff as a board...
SHERLOCK <Venkman>: He sleeps above his covers. *Four feet* above his
covers.
[You stole my song ref and my Ghostbusters line. Only because of Slugata am I allowing you to live- Lainer]

> Washu called Ryoko who was really shocked and
> this disbanded that it was Ryoko playing a trick!

MAX: You haven't ruled out the invisible gnomes yet though.

> then as mysteriosly
> as he began to float he began to descend, feeling a lot of different
> emotions, Washu looked at Ryoko then went and had lunch.

ALAIR <Washu>: Wow, a brand new mystey to sol... Oh, forget it. I'm going to have an egg sandwich.
MAX: Surge of emotions, looks at Ryoko, has "lunch". I'm getting some conflicting messages here.
ONIKO: That's because you still have morals.
MAX: Oh, right, duh.
BRANDT <Marge>: First I was nervous, then anxious, then wary, then apprehensive, then... kind of sleepy, then worried, and then concerned.

> After lunch
> Tenchi came and had a look and he was more shocked that Washu was
> because the stranger was sitting up!,

THIEF: Now stay. Stay... Good stranger! Can you play dead? Oh yes you can, yes you can!
MAX: What's with all the drama? It's just some guy sitting up!
SHERLOCK: It's the *self-insertion author* sitting up. There's a
difference.

> Tenchi shot out of the lab and
> ran straight into Washu, "h..h...he's u..up," gathering himself
> Tenchi said "he's", "up" replied Washu and ran in to the lab to
> find.....

BRANDT: A check for one billion dollars!
VIPER <The Green Herring>: ...woah. [he O_O's] I WANT THAT!
ONIKO <Twelve>: No. These are my billion dollars. 'Sides, I'm going to
spend them all today anyway.
VIPER <TGH>: On what?
[Dramatic pause.]
ONIKO <Twelve>: ...breaking shit.

>
> chapter 5: surprise!

ALL: AHHH!
ONIKO: Stop doing that!
ALAIR: ... a paragraph. One lousy paragraph that so called chapter was.

>
> The stranger sitting up still alseep!

SHERLOCK: So that's five chapters consisting of our hero sleeping, then.
VIPER: This fic brought to you by Andy Warhol.

>but sitting up anyway, then

ALAIR: --- he grabbed the remote, started flipping channels, belched, and scatched at his stomache. Still asleep!
BRANDT: Amazing.

> Washu poked him in the ribs to be sure that he was still asleep, and
> to her surprise she got a sleepy "fuck off!", a bit miffed she
> slapped him and got the same reaction and with that she decided to
> let him be and just observe him.

[ALL pull out plastic dishes with brains in them.]

>
> She sat there all day not moving and happened. Then at three in the
> morning she crawled in to a make-shift bed next to him so if anything
> happened she would know.

MAX: Not that there's any sort of alarm or camera she could set up in
her lab, no sir...

> When she a woke she got a shock the stranger
> was gone, when she sat up there was an even bigger surprise, the
> stranger moved her to where he was, where it was comfortable, and lay
> where she was, where it was not as comfortable.

VIPER: I'm confused.
ALAIR: What about?
VIPER: Well, first he switched places with her.
ALAIR: Right.
VIPER: And then he covered Washu in Lays potato chips.
ONIKO: Yes.
VIPER: And later went on to save the Floozlies from the evil Garbos.
SHERLOCK: Uh-huh.
VIPER: But... then what?
BRANDT: He went to Narnia and became a wonderful princess.
VIPER: Oh, okay now it makes sense.
[ALAIR screams and throttles VIPER]

> She tried to poke him
> but stopped incase there was more responce than she was ready for.

MAX: Yeah, he could... I don't know, *explode* or something if you poke
him the wrong way.
THIEF: Or he could explode if you poked him the *right* way.
MAX: What're you... ew.
ALAIR <Washu>: Oh dear, he's floating again.
[Pause]
MAX: ... okay, that works, I guess.


Posted on Aug 7, 2003, 1:26 AM
from IP address 172.146.50.100

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All this work for two lil' quips. I'm slipping... :(

by Krinn (no login)

>
> The meeting of a new friend!

MAX: If I see Barney pop up here, I'm killing something.

> by A. Richmond

ONIKO: Just your standard Richmond, indistinguishable from all the other Richmonds...

>
> It was a nice clear sunny day around the Masaki home, when there
> was suddenly an electric storm.

MAX: Because as we all know, electric storms are inclined to occur during clear sunny days. Damnit.
BRANDT <singing>: Lightning's striking agaiiin...

>From which a tall, well bulit man
> fell with a sickening crunch.

VIPER <Man>: ... I think I fell on my keys.
BRANDT <singing>: It's raining men! Hallejulah, it's raining men! Amen!
[ALL stare at BRANDT.]

>Soon a shadow fell upon him.

SHERLOCK: It fell with more of a pleasantly smelling crunch.

> So the tale begins!

ALAIR: Now is the beginning of a fantastic story! Journey with us to the cave of monsters!

>
> chapter 1: hi there!

ONIKO: hi! how've you been?
VIPER <Abe>: Follow me.
ONIKO: Okay.
[VIPER and ONIKO get out of their seats and tiptoe around the theater.]

>
> The first person to discover the stranger, was by Mihoshi,

ALAIR: So... the person who discovered the stranger was standing by Mihoshi then?

> whose
> reaction was a scream when she tripped over him, oblivous the fact
> that he was lying in plain sight.

SHERLOCK: Mihoshi herself, not far away, was relatively unfazed.

>Tenchi came to see what the
> comotion was and was shocked to find Mihoshi sprawled on the floor

THIEF: ...with a camera, a jar of lube, and a large bottle of sake stuck in her --
[MAX grabs THIEF's head with his clamp and throws him up into the air. THIEF lands several rows back.]
ONIKO: And in the Toonami version, it'd be "tea," but that's not the point right now.

> next to some guy lying in an awkward position that signaled bad
> injurys.

ALAIR <Washu>: I keep telling them that the robo-Mihoshi's soft skin is just a cover for the sharp, jagged metal parts under the surface.
SHERLOCK: The fact that he had his head up his arse was a dead giveaway.
BRANDT <Guy>: Mad Gears... coming... escape while... you can...
ONIKO: But were his injuries bad enough to save the President?

> "What the hell is going on, now?" came Ryoko's voice, before
> Tenchi had a second thought.

MAX: Of course, this being Tenchi that can take awhile.

> "My, my, who's this?" enquired Ryoko
> with some surprise, "and should he be lying like that?"

SHERLOCK: Of course he should. He worked for the Clintons.
[OR]
ALAIR <Tenchi>: Technically, the British are lying, if anyone. He's just repeating their intelligence without confirmation from the CIA.

>
> The stranger was wearing a plain black baseball cap pulled down so
> that his face didn't show above his jaw,

ALAIR: Clark Steel?

> a baggy shirt with a double
> shoulder holster which contained two fully automatic 9 mm Uzis'.

ALAIR: I seem to recall that private citizens owning full-auto weaponry is... oh, what's the word...
MAX: Illegal?
ALAIR: Yes, thank you.

> A
> pair of baggy black jeans on which hung a mobile phone, strapped to
> his right leg is what looked like a shotgun but it had almost no
> stock or barrel,

VIPER: ...and a noticeable lack of lock and smoke, too.
MAX: Sawed-off's illegal too, I think.
ONIKO: Oh, pshaw. He's far too l33t to be arrested on minor stuff like illegal firearms.

> he was wearing a strange looking watch with lots of
> strange looking coloured balls on the strap

BRANDT: ...which he'd gotten from the inside of a cereal box along with his Buzz Lightyear secret decoder ring.

>and in his hands he had a
> small metalic object and a ninja sword with the kanji for 'elemental
> bakemono nihonto' ( elemental monster sword) etched on the hilt.

BRANDT: Is it an elemental sword made by monsters, a sword from elemental monsters, or a monster's sword from an elemental?
VIPER <Karsh>: Yes.
ONIKO: I'm thinkin' it should've been "uguna yanki nihontou." [He grins.] Not that I'm one to talk, though...
[It should be something like, "kouseitan'i kaijuu nihontou"... I think.
He's saying "stupid white-boy/Yankee sword," for the record.]

> At
> his waist hung two beautfully crafted knives with hanldes decorated
> with snakes which were in the scabbards for them which were decorated
> with black widow spiders,

ALAIR: Actually, that's not a decoration.
VIPER <Adam>: Get them off! Get them off!

> and on the back of his jeans hung a combat
> knife and to complement his outfit he wore a black pair of boots
> which where tall enough to hide a throwing knife in each.

MAX: He's every other ShadowRun Street Samurai ever created.
[the only?]
SHERLOCK: Unwelcoming apparel and loaded to the teeth with weapons. Sounds like another beautful day on the streets of LA.

>
> Ryoko stood there, and decided to state the obvious "he certinly
> likes black doesn't he?",

BRANDT: ...and he'll never go back.
VIPER: And if you'd open up his chest you'd find a black heart.
MAX: And that red door he's got with him, that's black too.

> everybody just ignored this comment which
> annoyed Ryoko.

ALAIR: And the Circle of Life is completed again, or something.

> "Well hadn't we better try to see who this guy is and
> tend to his injurys?"came Washu's voice, scaring everyone half to
> death.
>
> chapter 2:


ALAIR: You mean page 2, right?

> who are you?

ALAIR: I'm Alair, the atypical psychic corporate agent with a mysterious past.
VIPER: I'm Viper, the atypical cute mascot thing.
SHERLOCK: I'm Batman.
BRANDT: I'm Brandt, the atypical anime/video game fanboy.
ONIKO: I'm Oniko, the atypical anime/video game fanboy.
MAX: I'm Max, the atypical anime/video... er...
[OR, after Sherlock's]
BRANDT: I am the Terror that Flaps in the Night. I am the... [notices ONIKO glaring at him] ...guy with the foot in his mouth. Sorry.

>
> It was a full two days' to even get him to lie straight

BRANDT <guy>: I am a crook.
SHERLOCK: No, no, no...

> without
> adding even more injurys, by now the only people who hadn't seen the
> stanger was Minagai, Kiyone and Sasami.

VIPER: But Mulder was there, frantically trying to get people to notice him before the next murders occurred. Too bad he was strapped to the bed at the time.

>Even Ayeka had quick look at
> the stranger was.

BRANDT: The stranger was what now?
MAX: And what's so 'even Ayeka' about that? She's a pushy snoop.

> Washu had noticed that his body seemed to be
> healing at an extremely rapid rate while he slept, almost like in the
> vampire tales like Dracula.

BRANDT: I remember that part!
[VIPER jumps up from his seat and lies down on the floor with his arms crossed over his chest and eyes closed in front of the screen. ONIKO approaches with trepidition.]
ONIKO <Jonathon Harker>: His body seems to be healing at an extremely rapid rate as he sleeps!
VIPER <Dracula>: [Opens his eyes] Cool, ain't it? Oh! Hey, check this out!
[VIPER turns into a bat with an overdramatic puff of brimstone]
ONIKO <Jonathon Harker>: Ye gods man!
[They return to their seats, VIPER turning back to normal above his.]
VIPER: ... and I'm sticking to my seat now.
MAX <Gabe>: I'm okay... my mutant healing power is kicking in.
SHERLOCK <Tycho>: You don't have a mutant healing power.
MAX <Gabe>: Well... shit.

>
> At lunch Tenchi asked how the stranger was doing, washu's answer was:

THIEF <Washu>: Stranger? What stranger? Say, this is a nice stew, huh?

> "he seems to be human but he heals at a rapid rate,

BRANDT: They give Mutant Healing Factors out in cereal boxes these days.

> I estimate that
> he will be awake with in three days at the least. I don't seem to be
> able to pry that hat out off of his head, it's almost as if it's
> being held by some invisible force,"

VIPER: That or super glue, Washu. Which do you think?
ONIKO: He must get his hats at the same place as Raiden.
ALAIR: It's the Terry Bogard Effect. If you really want it off, try getting him to say, "okay!"

> thats when Ryoko replied "Its
> just that your a wimp! I'm surpised that you can sit up in bed on
> your own, squirt".

ALAIR: It's not her fault! She just needs to beat Hercules so she can get the Yellow Trinity first!

>"now, now, girls theres no need to be so mean at
> this time or anytime for that matter! so just get along" said
> Tenchi, amazed at himself for making his little speech

MAX: The same speech he makes *every single day.*

> decided to sit
> there quietly for the rest of the morning. After lunch Washu noticed
> that the stranger had moved almost as if he was sleeping,


ALAIR: ... gasp?

> she was
> pleased that she had manged to remove his weapons apart from the
> scabard for the sword and that damn object in his hand!, she was
> dying to find out what it did!

THIEF: Lady, it's nothing special. You've probably got one just like it shoved under your bed.
MAX: ...and why does *she* care, anyway? It's not as if anything's shown any sort of strange phenomena. Aside from the whole "appearing out of nowhere" thing, anyway.
SHERLOCK: I'm just curious as to why every bizzare event in Japan is centered around Tenchi's house.
ONIKO: Or in Nermia.

>
> chapter 3:


ALAIR: PAGE Three. If even that.

> Its' gonna be a long day

ALAIR: [Brightens] Not for us! If all the chapters are this short, we'll be out of here in-
LANCE <over intercom>: There are five fics with a total of eighty-two chapters.
ALAIR: -about a week.

>
> It was the very next day that Washu decided to see she could pry the
> hat off his head and that object from his hand, just to see what it
> did!, she told herself "it's all in the aid of science!",

ONIKO: Science!
[VIPER plays a quick 80's synth riff on a portable keyboard.]
MAX: Okay, so she tried getting his hat off-
[THIEF chuckles.]
MAX: ...but couldn't, and she's going to try now. Is it just me, or did continuity just go out the window?

> "bullshit"
> replied her mind.

MAX: As did the readers.
ONIKO: Bullshit.
SHERLOCK: Bullshit.
VIPER: Pachinko.
[ALL glare at VIPER]
ALAIR <Washu's mind>: "Mom, she's picking on me!" "I wonder if I left the washing machine running" "Does anyone here like cheese?" "Voices!"
[ALL slowly turn to stare at ALAIR]
ALAIR: What?
ONIKO: You wouldn't happen to have a psychotic alter-ego, would you?
ALAIR: ... not that I know of?
ONIKO: Good.

> When she got down to her lab she got a surprise,
> the subject was gone! After a bit of searching she discovered that he
> had fallen off the table and was lying face down on the floor,

ONIKO: Does that really take "a bit of searching" to notice?
ALAIR: He has been protected from the Terrible Secret of Space. [She nods sagely]

> when
> she tried to lift him she found he was rather light and that she
> could carry him anywhere without any effort then finally she went and

VIPER: ...threw him into the fairy fountain to get more arrows!
MAX: I always thought that was a weird thing to wish for.
BRANDT: Yeah, he could've wished for world peace.
MAX: ...something like that, yeah. But more bombs? What was he on?
ONIKO: The Magic Powder. Duh.

> got some breakfast, when she returned she found Ryoko trying to
> remove the hat!, "so you wanted to try it too?" said Washu,
> surprising Ryoko. Ryoko's reply was spat out at Washu, "I thought
> that since you were trying to get the hat off, I would come and help.
> But it seems stuck and I can't cut it at all.",

VIPER: Admantium hats. Spiffy.
MAX: Could be Gundanium.
VIPER: What's the difference?
MAX: Well, one is...
[Long pause.]
MAX: I have no freakin' clue.

> "YOU DID WHAT!" screamed Washu,

SHERLOCK <Washu>: What you say?!

> gathering herself, she said "you don't try to cut his
> hat off incase you injure him."

ALAIR: Um... how likely would that be? Is the top of his head really unusually pointy, or something?

> "I was only trying to help you"
> replied Ryoko and with that she teleported to go and pick on Ayeka.
> "Good, she's gone" said Washu under her breath.

BRANDT: Washu, couldn't you at least try to be a better mother?
ONIKO <Washu>: Okay, guys, break out the tequila and nachos!
[ALL whoop and holler.]

>
> That afternoon after lunch Washu decided that she would give up
> trying to remove the hat and object from the stranger as she had been
> trying all morning.

ALAIR: Washu, admit it: You're obsessed.
VIPER <Washu as Tycho>: I'm the king of hats!

> It was when Washu gave up she noticed that he had
> an ear-ring in his left ear and the jewel in it was black

ALL: Shock.
SHERLOCK: I've seen more color in penguins.
ALAIR: Wait, so is it the left ear or the right ear that means you're gay?
ONIKO: I dunno, let's ask. Hey Brandt!
BRANDT: Well, I think it's -- wait, why are you asking me?
ONIKO <innocently>: No reason.

>and that he
> had a cross hanging around his neck and this was also made from the
> black jewel and

VIPER <singing>: She saw a line of cars and they're all painted black...

> it was engraved with 'G.F. warrior' in really small
> writing.


ONIKO <Thief>: I call it 'Sub-Sub Script'. You owe me fifteen cents just for reading that, by the way.
SHERLOCK: That's funny, I thought that the Garden Fungus warriors disbanded.
MAX: Oh, a Final Fantasy VIII crossover. Super.
[Actually yes. The stupidly long list of crossovers is in the next chapter]

> She also noticed that he needed a shave and that while he
> was recovering he still grew a beard but it wasn't growing very fast,
> which puzzled Washu,

ALAIR: Why? That's pefectly normal.

> but then again this is nothing new. Washu then
> decided to leave him in peace for today.

VIPER: Of course, tomorrow it was going to be tickle-tortures and loud music *all* *freaking* *day.*

>
> chapter 4: getting up!

THIEF: Doesn't look much different from here.

>
> When Washu went to check on him she was mildly surprised to find him
> floating in mid-air, then after a while it dawned on her that he was
> floating on his own!

MAX <sadly>: Washu's as dumb as a bag of rocks in this one, isn't she?
BRANDT <blankly>: Light as a feather, stiff as a board...
SHERLOCK <Venkman>: He sleeps above his covers. *Four feet* above his covers.
[You stole my song ref and my Ghostbusters line. Only because of Slugata am I allowing you to live- Lainer]

> Washu called Ryoko who was really shocked and
> this disbanded that it was Ryoko playing a trick!

MAX: You haven't ruled out the invisible gnomes yet though.

> then as mysteriosly
> as he began to float he began to descend, feeling a lot of different
> emotions, Washu looked at Ryoko then went and had lunch.

ALAIR <Washu>: Wow, a brand new mystey to sol... Oh, forget it. I'm going to have an egg sandwich.
MAX: Surge of emotions, looks at Ryoko, has "lunch". I'm getting some conflicting messages here.
ONIKO: That's because you still have morals.
MAX: Oh, right, duh.
BRANDT <Marge>: First I was nervous, then anxious, then wary, then apprehensive, then... kind of sleepy, then worried, and then concerned.

> After lunch
> Tenchi came and had a look and he was more shocked that Washu was
> because the stranger was sitting up!,

THIEF: Now stay. Stay... Good stranger! Can you play dead? Oh yes you can, yes you can!
MAX: What's with all the drama? It's just some guy sitting up!
SHERLOCK: It's the *self-insertion author* sitting up. There's a difference.

> Tenchi shot out of the lab and
> ran straight into Washu,

THIEF: -Leaving a large hole in Washu quite similiar to a tank shell...

> "h..h...he's u..up," gathering himself
> Tenchi said "he's", "up" replied Washu and ran in to the lab to
> find.....

BRANDT: A check for one billion dollars!
VIPER <The Green Herring>: ...woah. [he O_O's] I WANT THAT!
ONIKO <Twelve>: No. These are my billion dollars. 'Sides, I'm going to spend them all today anyway.
VIPER <TGH>: On what?
[Dramatic pause.]
ONIKO <Twelve>: ...breaking shit.

>
> chapter 5: surprise!

ALL: AHHH!
ONIKO: Stop doing that!
ALAIR: ... a paragraph. One lousy paragraph that so called chapter was.

>
> The stranger sitting up still alseep!

SHERLOCK: So that's five chapters consisting of our hero sleeping, then.
VIPER: This fic brought to you by Andy Warhol.

>but sitting up anyway, then

ALAIR: --- he grabbed the remote, started flipping channels, belched, and scatched at his stomache. Still asleep!
BRANDT: Amazing.

> Washu poked him in the ribs to be sure that he was still asleep, and
> to her surprise she got a sleepy "fuck off!", a bit miffed she
> slapped him and got the same reaction and with that she decided to
> let him be and just observe him.

[ALL pull out plastic dishes with brains in them.]

>
> She sat there all day not moving and happened. Then at three in the
> morning she crawled in to a make-shift bed next to him so if anything
> happened she would know.

MAX: Not that there's any sort of alarm or camera she could set up in her lab, no sir...

> When she a woke she got a shock the stranger
> was gone, when she sat up there was an even bigger surprise, the
> stranger moved her to where he was, where it was comfortable, and lay
> where she was, where it was not as comfortable.

VIPER: I'm confused.
ALAIR: What about?
VIPER: Well, first he switched places with her.
ALAIR: Right.
VIPER: And then he covered Washu in Lays potato chips.
ONIKO: Yes.
VIPER: And later went on to save the Floozlies from the evil Garbos.
SHERLOCK: Uh-huh.
VIPER: But... then what?
BRANDT: He went to Narnia and became a wonderful princess.
VIPER: Oh, okay now it makes sense.
[ALAIR screams and throttles VIPER]

> She tried to poke him
> but stopped incase there was more responce than she was ready for.

MAX: Yeah, he could... I don't know, *explode* or something if you poke him the wrong way.
THIEF: Or he could explode if you poked him the *right* way.
MAX: What're you... ew.
ALAIR <Washu>: Oh dear, he's floating again.
[Pause]
MAX: ... okay, that works, I guess.

Posted on Aug 7, 2003, 1:46 AM
from IP address 64.61.217.159

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A new record for number of riffs added by me! (I think the old record was two)

by (no login)

> The meeting of a new friend!

MAX: If I see Barney pop up here, I'm killing something.

> by A. Richmond

ONIKO: Just your standard Richmond, indistinguishable from all the other Richmonds...

>
> It was a nice clear sunny day around the Masaki home, when there
> was suddenly an electric storm.

MAX: Because as we all know, electric storms are inclined to occur during clear sunny days. Damnit.
BRANDT <singing>: Lightning's striking agaiiin...

>From which a tall, well bulit man
> fell with a sickening crunch.

VIPER <Man>: ... I think I fell on my keys.
BRANDT <singing>: It's raining men! Hallejulah, it's raining men! Amen!
[ALL stare at BRANDT.]

>Soon a shadow fell upon him.

SHERLOCK: It fell with more of a pleasantly smelling crunch.

> So the tale begins!

ALAIR: Now is the beginning of a fantastic story! Journey with us to the cave of monsters!

>
> chapter 1: hi there!

ONIKO: hi! how've you been?
VIPER <Abe>: Follow me.
ONIKO: Okay.
[VIPER and ONIKO get out of their seats and tiptoe around the theater.]

>
> The first person to discover the stranger, was by Mihoshi,

ALAIR: So... the person who discovered the stranger was standing by Mihoshi then?

> whose
> reaction was a scream when she tripped over him, oblivous the fact
> that he was lying in plain sight.

SHERLOCK: Mihoshi herself, not far away, was relatively unfazed.

>Tenchi came to see what the
> comotion was and was shocked to find Mihoshi sprawled on the floor

THIEF: ...with a camera, a jar of lube, and a large bottle of sake stuck in her --
[MAX grabs THIEF's head with his clamp and throws him up into the air. THIEF lands several rows back.]
ONIKO: And in the Toonami version, it'd be "tea," but that's not the point right now.

> next to some guy lying in an awkward position that signaled bad
> injurys.

ALAIR <Washu>: I keep telling them that the robo-Mihoshi's soft skin is just a cover for the sharp, jagged metal parts under the surface.
SHERLOCK: The fact that he had his head up his arse was a dead giveaway.
BRANDT <Guy>: Mad Gears... coming... escape while... you can...
ONIKO: But were his injuries bad enough to save the President?

> "What the hell is going on, now?" came Ryoko's voice, before
> Tenchi had a second thought.

MAX: Of course, this being Tenchi that can take awhile.

> "My, my, who's this?" enquired Ryoko
> with some surprise, "and should he be lying like that?"

SHERLOCK: Of course he should. He worked for the Clintons.
[OR]
ALAIR <Tenchi>: Technically, the British are lying, if anyone. He's just repeating their intelligence without confirmation from the CIA.

>
> The stranger was wearing a plain black baseball cap pulled down so
> that his face didn't show above his jaw,

ALAIR: Clark Steel?

> a baggy shirt with a double
> shoulder holster which contained two fully automatic 9 mm Uzis'.

ALAIR: I seem to recall that private citizens owning full-auto weaponry is... oh, what's the word...
MAX: Illegal?
ALAIR: Yes, thank you.

> A
> pair of baggy black jeans on which hung a mobile phone, strapped to
> his right leg is what looked like a shotgun but it had almost no
> stock or barrel,

VIPER: ...and a noticeable lack of lock and smoke, too.
MAX: Sawed-off's illegal too, I think.
ONIKO: Oh, pshaw. He's far too l33t to be arrested on minor stuff like illegal firearms.

> he was wearing a strange looking watch with lots of
> strange looking coloured balls on the strap

BRANDT: ...which he'd gotten from the inside of a cereal box along with his Buzz Lightyear secret decoder ring.

>and in his hands he had a
> small metalic object and a ninja sword with the kanji for 'elemental
> bakemono nihonto' ( elemental monster sword) etched on the hilt.

BRANDT: Is it an elemental sword made by monsters, a sword from elemental monsters, or a monster's sword from an elemental?
VIPER <Karsh>: Yes.
ONIKO: I'm thinkin' it should've been "uguna yanki nihontou." [He grins.] Not that I'm one to talk, though...
[It should be something like, "kouseitan'i kaijuu nihontou"... I think.
He's saying "stupid white-boy/Yankee sword," for the record.]

> At
> his waist hung two beautfully crafted knives with hanldes decorated
> with snakes which were in the scabbards for them which were decorated
> with black widow spiders,

ALAIR: Actually, that's not a decoration.
VIPER <Adam>: Get them off! Get them off!

> and on the back of his jeans hung a combat
> knife and to complement his outfit he wore a black pair of boots
> which where tall enough to hide a throwing knife in each.

MAX: He's every other ShadowRun Street Samurai ever created.
[the only?]
SHERLOCK: Unwelcoming apparel and loaded to the teeth with weapons. Sounds like another beautful day on the streets of LA.

>
> Ryoko stood there, and decided to state the obvious "he certinly
> likes black doesn't he?",

BRANDT: ...and he'll never go back.
VIPER: And if you'd open up his chest you'd find a black heart.
MAX: And that red door he's got with him, that's black too.

> everybody just ignored this comment which
> annoyed Ryoko.

ALAIR: And the Circle of Life is completed again, or something.

> "Well hadn't we better try to see who this guy is and
> tend to his injurys?"came Washu's voice, scaring everyone half to
> death.
>
> chapter 2:


ALAIR: You mean page 2, right?

> who are you?

ALAIR: I'm Alair, the atypical psychic corporate agent with a mysterious past.
VIPER: I'm Viper, the atypical cute mascot thing.
SHERLOCK: I'm Batman.
BRANDT: I'm Brandt, the atypical anime/video game fanboy.
ONIKO: I'm Oniko, the atypical anime/video game fanboy.
MAX: I'm Max, the atypical anime/video... er...
[OR, after Sherlock's]
BRANDT: I am the Terror that Flaps in the Night. I am the... [notices ONIKO glaring at him] ...guy with the foot in his mouth. Sorry.

>
> It was a full two days' to even get him to lie straight

BRANDT <guy>: I am a crook.
SHERLOCK: No, no, no...

> without
> adding even more injurys, by now the only people who hadn't seen the
> stanger was Minagai, Kiyone and Sasami.

VIPER: But Mulder was there, frantically trying to get people to notice him before the next murders occurred. Too bad he was strapped to the bed at the time.

>Even Ayeka had quick look at
> the stranger was.

BRANDT: The stranger was what now?
MAX: And what's so 'even Ayeka' about that? She's a pushy snoop.

> Washu had noticed that his body seemed to be
> healing at an extremely rapid rate while he slept, almost like in the
> vampire tales like Dracula.

BRANDT: I remember that part!
[VIPER jumps up from his seat and lies down on the floor with his arms crossed over his chest and eyes closed in front of the screen. ONIKO approaches with trepidition.]
ONIKO <Jonathon Harker>: His body seems to be healing at an extremely rapid rate as he sleeps!
VIPER <Dracula>: [Opens his eyes] Cool, ain't it? Oh! Hey, check this out!
[VIPER turns into a bat with an overdramatic puff of brimstone]
ONIKO <Jonathon Harker>: Ye gods man!
[They return to their seats, VIPER turning back to normal above his.]
VIPER: ... and I'm sticking to my seat now.
MAX <Gabe>: I'm okay... my mutant healing power is kicking in.
SHERLOCK <Tycho>: You don't have a mutant healing power.
MAX <Gabe>: Well... shit.

>
> At lunch Tenchi asked how the stranger was doing, washu's answer was:

THIEF <Washu>: Stranger? What stranger? Say, this is a nice stew, huh?

> "he seems to be human but he heals at a rapid rate,

BRANDT: They give Mutant Healing Factors out in cereal boxes these days.

> I estimate that
> he will be awake with in three days at the least. I don't seem to be
> able to pry that hat out off of his head, it's almost as if it's
> being held by some invisible force,"

VIPER: That or super glue, Washu. Which do you think?
ONIKO: He must get his hats at the same place as Raiden.
ALAIR: It's the Terry Bogard Effect. If you really want it off, try getting him to say, "okay!"

> thats when Ryoko replied "Its
> just that your a wimp! I'm surpised that you can sit up in bed on
> your own, squirt".

ALAIR: It's not her fault! She just needs to beat Hercules so she can get the Yellow Trinity first!

>"now, now, girls theres no need to be so mean at
> this time or anytime for that matter! so just get along" said
> Tenchi, amazed at himself for making his little speech

MAX: The same speech he makes *every single day.*

> decided to sit
> there quietly for the rest of the morning. After lunch Washu noticed
> that the stranger had moved almost as if he was sleeping,


ALAIR: ... gasp?

> she was
> pleased that she had manged to remove his weapons apart from the
> scabard for the sword and that damn object in his hand!, she was
> dying to find out what it did!

THIEF: Lady, it's nothing special. You've probably got one just like it shoved under your bed.
MAX: ...and why does *she* care, anyway? It's not as if anything's shown any sort of strange phenomena. Aside from the whole "appearing out of nowhere" thing, anyway.
SHERLOCK: I'm just curious as to why every bizzare event in Japan is centered around Tenchi's house.
ONIKO: Or in Nermia.

>
> chapter 3:


ALAIR: PAGE Three. If even that.

> Its' gonna be a long day

ALAIR: [Brightens] Not for us! If all the chapters are this short, we'll be out of here in-
LANCE <over intercom>: There are five fics with a total of eighty-two chapters.
ALAIR: -about a week.

>
> It was the very next day that Washu decided to see she could pry the
> hat off his head and that object from his hand, just to see what it
> did!, she told herself "it's all in the aid of science!",

ONIKO: Science!
[VIPER plays a quick 80's synth riff on a portable keyboard.]
MAX: Okay, so she tried getting his hat off-
[THIEF chuckles.]
MAX: ...but couldn't, and she's going to try now. Is it just me, or did continuity just go out the window?

> "bullshit"
> replied her mind.

MAX: As did the readers.
ONIKO: Bullshit.
SHERLOCK: Bullshit.
VIPER: Pachinko.
[ALL glare at VIPER]
ALAIR <Washu's mind>: "Mom, she's picking on me!" "I wonder if I left the washing machine running" "Does anyone here like cheese?" "Voices!"
[ALL slowly turn to stare at ALAIR]
ALAIR: What?
ONIKO: You wouldn't happen to have a psychotic alter-ego, would you?
ALAIR: ... not that I know of?
ONIKO: Good.

> When she got down to her lab she got a surprise,
> the subject was gone! After a bit of searching she discovered that he
> had fallen off the table and was lying face down on the floor,

ONIKO: Does that really take "a bit of searching" to notice?
ALAIR: He has been protected from the Terrible Secret of Space. [She nods sagely]

> when
> she tried to lift him she found he was rather light and that she
> could carry him anywhere without any effort then finally she went and

VIPER: ...threw him into the fairy fountain to get more arrows!
MAX: I always thought that was a weird thing to wish for.
BRANDT: Yeah, he could've wished for world peace.
MAX: ...something like that, yeah. But more bombs? What was he on?
ONIKO: The Magic Powder. Duh.

> got some breakfast, when she returned she found Ryoko trying to
> remove the hat!, "so you wanted to try it too?" said Washu,
> surprising Ryoko. Ryoko's reply was spat out at Washu, "I thought
> that since you were trying to get the hat off, I would come and help.
> But it seems stuck and I can't cut it at all.",

VIPER: Admantium hats. Spiffy.
MAX: Could be Gundanium.
VIPER: What's the difference?
MAX: Well, one is...
[Long pause.]
MAX: I have no freakin' clue.

> "YOU DID WHAT!" screamed Washu,

SHERLOCK <Washu>: What you say?!

> gathering herself, she said "you don't try to cut his
> hat off incase you injure him."

ALAIR: Um... how likely would that be? Is the top of his head really unusually pointy, or something?

> "I was only trying to help you"
> replied Ryoko and with that she teleported to go and pick on Ayeka.
> "Good, she's gone" said Washu under her breath.

BRANDT: Washu, couldn't you at least try to be a better mother?
ONIKO <Washu>: Okay, guys, break out the tequila and nachos!
[ALL whoop and holler.]

>
> That afternoon after lunch Washu decided that she would give up
> trying to remove the hat and object from the stranger as she had been
> trying all morning.

ALAIR: Washu, admit it: You're obsessed.
VIPER <Washu as Tycho>: I'm the king of hats!

> It was when Washu gave up she noticed that he had
> an ear-ring in his left ear and the jewel in it was black

ALL: Shock.
SHERLOCK: I've seen more color in penguins.
ALAIR: Wait, so is it the left ear or the right ear that means you're gay?
ONIKO: I dunno, let's ask. Hey Brandt!
BRANDT: Well, I think it's -- wait, why are you asking me?
ONIKO <innocently>: No reason.

>and that he
> had a cross hanging around his neck and this was also made from the
> black jewel and

VIPER <singing>: She saw a line of cars and they're all painted black...

> it was engraved with 'G.F. warrior' in really small
> writing.


ONIKO <Thief>: I call it 'Sub-Sub Script'. You owe me fifteen cents just for reading that, by the way.
SHERLOCK: That's funny, I thought that the Garden Fungus warriors disbanded.
MAX: Oh, a Final Fantasy VIII crossover. Super.
[Actually yes. The stupidly long list of crossovers is in the next chapter]

> She also noticed that he needed a shave and that while he
> was recovering he still grew a beard but it wasn't growing very fast,
> which puzzled Washu,

ALAIR: Why? That's pefectly normal.

> but then again this is nothing new. Washu then
> decided to leave him in peace for today.

VIPER: Of course, tomorrow it was going to be tickle-tortures and loud music *all* *freaking* *day.*

>
> chapter 4: getting up!

THIEF: Doesn't look much different from here.

>
> When Washu went to check on him she was mildly surprised to find him
> floating in mid-air, then after a while it dawned on her that he was
> floating on his own!

MAX <sadly>: Washu's as dumb as a bag of rocks in this one, isn't she?
BRANDT <blankly>: Light as a feather, stiff as a board...
SHERLOCK <Venkman>: He sleeps above his covers. *Four feet* above his covers.
[You stole my song ref and my Ghostbusters line. Only because of Slugata am I allowing you to live- Lainer]

> Washu called Ryoko who was really shocked and
> this disbanded that it was Ryoko playing a trick!

MAX: You haven't ruled out the invisible gnomes yet though.

> then as mysteriosly
> as he began to float he began to descend, feeling a lot of different
> emotions, Washu looked at Ryoko then went and had lunch.

ALAIR <Washu>: Wow, a brand new mystey to sol... Oh, forget it. I'm going to have an egg sandwich.
MAX: Surge of emotions, looks at Ryoko, has "lunch". I'm getting some conflicting messages here.
ONIKO: That's because you still have morals.
MAX: Oh, right, duh.
BRANDT <Marge>: First I was nervous, then anxious, then wary, then apprehensive, then... kind of sleepy, then worried, and then concerned.

> After lunch
> Tenchi came and had a look and he was more shocked that Washu was
> because the stranger was sitting up!,

THIEF: Now stay. Stay... Good stranger! Can you play dead? Oh yes you can, yes you can!
MAX: What's with all the drama? It's just some guy sitting up!
SHERLOCK: It's the *self-insertion author* sitting up. There's a difference.

> Tenchi shot out of the lab and
> ran straight into Washu,

THIEF: -Leaving a large hole in Washu quite similiar to a tank shell...

> "h..h...he's u..up," gathering himself
> Tenchi said "he's", "up" replied Washu and ran in to the lab to
> find.....

BRANDT: A check for one billion dollars!
VIPER <The Green Herring>: ...woah. [he O_O's] I WANT THAT!
ONIKO <Twelve>: No. These are my billion dollars. 'Sides, I'm going to spend them all today anyway.
VIPER <TGH>: On what?
[Dramatic pause.]
ONIKO <Twelve>: ...breaking shit.

>
> chapter 5: surprise!

ALL: AHHH!
ONIKO: Stop doing that!
ALAIR: ... a paragraph. One lousy paragraph that so called chapter was.

>
> The stranger sitting up still alseep!

SHERLOCK: So that's five chapters consisting of our hero sleeping, then.
VIPER: This fic brought to you by Andy Warhol.

>but sitting up anyway, then

ALAIR: --- he grabbed the remote, started flipping channels, belched, and scatched at his stomache. Still asleep!
BRANDT: Amazing.

> Washu poked him in the ribs to be sure that he was still asleep, and
> to her surprise she got a sleepy "fuck off!", a bit miffed she
> slapped him and got the same reaction and with that she decided to
> let him be and just observe him.

[ALL pull out plastic dishes with brains in them.]

>
> She sat there all day not moving and happened. Then at three in the
> morning she crawled in to a make-shift bed next to him so if anything
> happened she would know.

MAX: Not that there's any sort of alarm or camera she could set up in her lab, no sir...

> When she a woke she got a shock the stranger
> was gone, when she sat up there was an even bigger surprise, the
> stranger moved her to where he was, where it was comfortable, and lay
> where she was, where it was not as comfortable.

VIPER: I'm confused.
ALAIR: What about?
VIPER: Well, first he switched places with her.
ALAIR: Right.
VIPER: And then he covered Washu in Lays potato chips.
ONIKO: Yes.
VIPER: And later went on to save the Floozlies from the evil Garbos.
SHERLOCK: Uh-huh.
VIPER: But... then what?
BRANDT: He went to Narnia and became a wonderful princess.
VIPER: Oh, okay now it makes sense.
[ALAIR screams and throttles VIPER]

> She tried to poke him
> but stopped incase there was more responce than she was ready for.

MAX: Yeah, he could... I don't know, *explode* or something if you poke him the wrong way.
THIEF: Or he could explode if you poked him the *right* way.
MAX: What're you... ew.
ALAIR <Washu>: Oh dear, he's floating again.
[Pause]
MAX: ... okay, that works, I guess.

Posted on Aug 7, 2003, 4:12 AM
from IP address 209.178.149.46

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Curse all of you and your closer timezones!

by Schwere Viper (no login)

> The meeting of a new friend!

MAX: If I see Barney pop up here, I'm killing something.

> by A. Richmond

ONIKO: Just your standard Richmond, indistinguishable from all the other Richmonds...

>
> It was a nice clear sunny day around the Masaki home, when there
> was suddenly an electric storm.

MAX: Because as we all know, electric storms are inclined to occur during clear sunny days. Damnit.
BRANDT <singing>: Lightning's striking agaiiin-
VIPER <singing>: -THUN-DAH-STRUCK! YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, THUN-DAH-STRUCK!

>From which a tall, well bulit man
> fell with a sickening crunch.

VIPER <Man>: ... I think I fell on my keys.
BRANDT <singing>: It's raining men! Hallejulah, it's raining men! Amen!
[ALL stare at BRANDT.]

>Soon a shadow fell upon him.

SHERLOCK: It fell with more of a pleasantly smelling crunch.

> So the tale begins!

ALAIR: Now is the beginning of a fantastic story! Journey with us to the cave of monsters!

>
> chapter 1: hi there!

ONIKO: Hi! How've you been?
VIPER <Abe>: Follow me.
ONIKO: Okay.
[VIPER and ONIKO get out of their seats and tiptoe around the theater.]

>
> The first person to discover the stranger, was by Mihoshi,

ALAIR: So... the person who discovered the stranger was standing by Mihoshi then?

> whose
> reaction was a scream when she tripped over him, oblivous the fact
> that he was lying in plain sight.

SHERLOCK: Mihoshi herself, not far away, was relatively unfazed.

>Tenchi came to see what the
> comotion was and was shocked to find Mihoshi sprawled on the floor

THIEF: ...with a camera, a jar of lube, and a large bottle of sake stuck in her --
[MAX grabs THIEF's head with his clamp and throws him up into the air. THIEF lands several rows back.]
ONIKO: And in the Toonami version, it'd be "tea," but that's not the point right now.

> next to some guy lying in an awkward position that signaled bad
> injurys.

ALAIR <Washu>: I keep telling them that the robo-Mihoshi's soft skin is just a cover for the sharp, jagged metal parts under the surface.
SHERLOCK: The fact that he had his head up his arse was a dead giveaway.
BRANDT <Guy>: Mad Gears... coming... escape while... you can...
ONIKO: But were his injuries bad enough to save the President?

> "What the hell is going on, now?" came Ryoko's voice, before
> Tenchi had a second thought.

MAX: Of course, this being Tenchi that can take awhile.

> "My, my, who's this?" enquired Ryoko
> with some surprise, "and should he be lying like that?"

SHERLOCK: Of course he should. He worked for the Clintons.
[OR]
ALAIR <Tenchi>: Technically, the British are lying, if anyone. He's just repeating their intelligence without confirmation from the CIA.

>
> The stranger was wearing a plain black baseball cap pulled down so
> that his face didn't show above his jaw,

ALAIR: Clark Steel?

> a baggy shirt with a double
> shoulder holster which contained two fully automatic 9 mm Uzis'.

ALAIR: I seem to recall that private citizens owning full-auto weaponry is... oh, what's the word...
MAX: Illegal?
ALAIR: Yes, thank you.

> A
> pair of baggy black jeans on which hung a mobile phone, strapped to
> his right leg is what looked like a shotgun but it had almost no
> stock or barrel,

VIPER: ...and a noticeable lack of lock and smoke, too.
MAX: Sawed-off's illegal too, I think.
ONIKO: Oh, pshaw. He's far too l33t to be arrested on minor stuff like illegal firearms.

> he was wearing a strange looking watch with lots of
> strange looking coloured balls on the strap

BRANDT: ...which he'd gotten from the inside of a cereal box along with his Buzz Lightyear secret decoder ring.

>and in his hands he had a
> small metalic object and a ninja sword with the kanji for 'elemental
> bakemono nihonto' ( elemental monster sword) etched on the hilt.

BRANDT: Is it an elemental sword made by monsters, a sword from elemental monsters, or a monster's sword from an elemental?
VIPER <Karsh>: Yes.
ONIKO: I'm thinkin' it should've been "uguna yanki nihontou." [He grins.] Not that I'm one to talk, though...
[It should be something like, "kouseitan'i kaijuu nihontou"... I think.
He's saying "stupid white-boy/Yankee sword," for the record.]

> At
> his waist hung two beautfully crafted knives with hanldes decorated
> with snakes which were in the scabbards for them which were decorated
> with black widow spiders,

ALAIR: Actually, that's not a decoration.
VIPER <Adam>: Get them off! Get them off!

> and on the back of his jeans hung a combat
> knife and to complement his outfit he wore a black pair of boots
> which where tall enough to hide a throwing knife in each.

MAX: He's every other ShadowRun Street Samurai ever created.
[the only?]
SHERLOCK: Unwelcoming apparel and loaded to the teeth with weapons. Sounds like another beautful day on the streets of LA.

>
> Ryoko stood there, and decided to state the obvious "he certinly
> likes black doesn't he?",

BRANDT: ...and he'll never go back.
VIPER: And if you'd open up his chest you'd find a black heart.
MAX: And that red door he's got with him, that's black too.

> everybody just ignored this comment which
> annoyed Ryoko.

ALAIR: And the Circle of Life is completed again, or something.

> "Well hadn't we better try to see who this guy is and
> tend to his injurys?"came Washu's voice, scaring everyone half to
> death.
>
> chapter 2:


ALAIR: You mean page 2, right?

> who are you?

ALAIR: I'm Alair, the atypical psychic corporate agent with a mysterious past.
VIPER: I'm Viper, the atypical cute mascot thing.
SHERLOCK: I'm Batman.
BRANDT: I'm Brandt, the atypical anime/video game fanboy.
ONIKO: I'm Oniko, the atypical anime/video game fanboy.
MAX: I'm Max, the atypical anime/video... er...
[OR, after Sherlock's]
BRANDT: I am the Terror that Flaps in the Night. I am the... [notices ONIKO glaring at him] ...guy with the foot in his mouth. Sorry.

>
> It was a full two days' to even get him to lie straight

BRANDT <guy>: I am a crook.
SHERLOCK: No, no, no...

> without
> adding even more injurys, by now the only people who hadn't seen the
> stanger was Minagai, Kiyone and Sasami.

VIPER: But Mulder was there, frantically trying to get people to notice him before the next murders occurred. Too bad he was strapped to the bed at the time.

>Even Ayeka had quick look at
> the stranger was.

BRANDT: The stranger was what now?
MAX: And what's so 'even Ayeka' about that? She's a pushy snoop.

> Washu had noticed that his body seemed to be
> healing at an extremely rapid rate while he slept, almost like in the
> vampire tales like Dracula.

BRANDT: I remember that part!
[VIPER jumps up from his seat and lies down on the floor with his arms crossed over his chest and eyes closed in front of the screen. ONIKO approaches with trepidition.]
ONIKO <Jonathon Harker>: His body seems to be healing at an extremely rapid rate as he sleeps!
VIPER <Dracula>: [Opens his eyes] Cool, ain't it? Oh! Hey, check this out!
[VIPER turns into a bat with an overdramatic puff of brimstone]
ONIKO <Jonathon Harker>: Ye gods man!
[They return to their seats, VIPER turning back to normal above his.]
VIPER: ... and I'm sticking to my seat now.
MAX <Gabe>: I'm okay... my mutant healing power is kicking in.
SHERLOCK <Tycho>: You don't have a mutant healing power.
MAX <Gabe>: Well... shit.

>
> At lunch Tenchi asked how the stranger was doing, washu's answer was:

THIEF <Washu>: Stranger? What stranger? Say, this is a nice stew, huh?

> "he seems to be human but he heals at a rapid rate,

BRANDT: They give Mutant Healing Factors out in cereal boxes these days.

> I estimate that
> he will be awake with in three days at the least. I don't seem to be
> able to pry that hat out off of his head, it's almost as if it's
> being held by some invisible force,"

VIPER: That or super glue, Washu. Which do you think?
ONIKO: He must get his hats at the same place as Raiden.
ALAIR: It's the Terry Bogard Effect. If you really want it off, try getting him to say, "okay!"

> thats when Ryoko replied "Its
> just that your a wimp! I'm surpised that you can sit up in bed on
> your own, squirt".

ALAIR: It's not her fault! She just needs to beat Hercules so she can get the Yellow Trinity first!

>"now, now, girls theres no need to be so mean at
> this time or anytime for that matter! so just get along" said
> Tenchi, amazed at himself for making his little speech

MAX: The same speech he makes *every single day.*

> decided to sit
> there quietly for the rest of the morning. After lunch Washu noticed
> that the stranger had moved almost as if he was sleeping,

VIPER <Washu>: Dear Christ, he rolled over! WHAT ABOMINATION OF MAN IS THIS!?
ALAIR: ... gasp?

> she was
> pleased that she had manged to remove his weapons apart from the
> scabard for the sword and that damn object in his hand!, she was
> dying to find out what it did!

THIEF: Lady, it's nothing special. You've probably got one just like it shoved under your bed.
MAX: ...and why does *she* care, anyway? It's not as if anything's shown any sort of strange phenomena. Aside from the whole "appearing out of nowhere" thing, anyway.
SHERLOCK: I'm just curious as to why every bizzare event in Japan is centered around Tenchi's house.
ONIKO: Or in Nermia.

>
> chapter 3:


ALAIR: PAGE Three. If even that.

> Its' gonna be a long day

ALAIR: [Brightens] Not for us! If all the chapters are this short, we'll be out of here in-
LANCE <over intercom>: There are five fics with a total of eighty-two chapters.
ALAIR: -about a week.

>
> It was the very next day that Washu decided to see she could pry the
> hat off his head and that object from his hand, just to see what it
> did!, she told herself "it's all in the aid of science!",

ONIKO: Science!
[VIPER plays a quick 80's synth riff on a portable keyboard.]
MAX: Okay, so she tried getting his hat off-
[THIEF chuckles.]
MAX: ...but couldn't, and she's going to try now. Is it just me, or did continuity just go out the window?

> "bullshit"
> replied her mind.

MAX: As did the readers.
ONIKO: Bullshit.
SHERLOCK: Bullshit.
VIPER: Pachinko.
[ALL glare at VIPER]
ALAIR <Washu's mind>: "Mom, she's picking on me!" "I wonder if I left the washing machine running" "Does anyone here like cheese?" "Voices!"
[ALL slowly turn to stare at ALAIR]
ALAIR: What?
ONIKO: You wouldn't happen to have a psychotic alter-ego, would you?
ALAIR: ... not that I know of?
ONIKO: Good.

> When she got down to her lab she got a surprise,
> the subject was gone! After a bit of searching she discovered that he
> had fallen off the table and was lying face down on the floor,

ONIKO: Does that really take "a bit of searching" to notice?
ALAIR: He has been protected from the Terrible Secret of Space. [She nods sagely]

> when
> she tried to lift him she found he was rather light and that she
> could carry him anywhere without any effort then finally she went and

VIPER: ...threw him into the fairy fountain to get more arrows!
MAX: I always thought that was a weird thing to wish for.
BRANDT: Yeah, he could've wished for world peace.
MAX: ...something like that, yeah. But more bombs? What was he on?
ONIKO: The Magic Powder. Duh.

> got some breakfast, when she returned she found Ryoko trying to
> remove the hat!, "so you wanted to try it too?" said Washu,
> surprising Ryoko. Ryoko's reply was spat out at Washu, "I thought
> that since you were trying to get the hat off, I would come and help.
> But it seems stuck and I can't cut it at all.",

VIPER: Admantium hats. Spiffy.
MAX: Could be Gundanium.
VIPER: What's the difference?
MAX: Well, one is...
[Long pause.]
MAX: I have no freakin' clue.

> "YOU DID WHAT!" screamed Washu,

SHERLOCK <Washu>: What you say?!

> gathering herself, she said "you don't try to cut his
> hat off incase you injure him."

ALAIR: Um... how likely would that be? Is the top of his head really unusually pointy, or something?
VIPER: Anyone else getting 'Spider: The Video Game' flashbacks?
[Silence.]
VIPER: Dang.

> "I was only trying to help you"
> replied Ryoko and with that she teleported to go and pick on Ayeka.
> "Good, she's gone" said Washu under her breath.

BRANDT: Washu, couldn't you at least try to be a better mother?
ONIKO <Washu>: Okay, guys, break out the tequila and nachos!
[ALL whoop and holler.]

>
> That afternoon after lunch Washu decided that she would give up
> trying to remove the hat and object from the stranger as she had been
> trying all morning.

ALAIR: Washu, admit it: You're obsessed.
VIPER <Washu as Tycho>: I'm the king of hats!

> It was when Washu gave up she noticed that he had
> an ear-ring in his left ear and the jewel in it was black

ALL: Shock.
SHERLOCK: I've seen more color in penguins.
ALAIR: Wait, so is it the left ear or the right ear that means you're gay?
ONIKO: I dunno, let's ask. Hey Brandt!
BRANDT: Well, I think it's -- wait, why are you asking me?
ONIKO <innocently>: No reason.

>and that he
> had a cross hanging around his neck and this was also made from the
> black jewel and

VIPER <singing>: She saw a line of cars and they're all painted black...

> it was engraved with 'G.F. warrior' in really small
> writing.


ONIKO <Thief>: I call it 'Sub-Sub Script'. You owe me fifteen cents just for reading that, by the way.
SHERLOCK: That's funny, I thought that the Garden Fungus warriors disbanded.
MAX: Oh, a Final Fantasy VIII crossover. Super.
[Actually yes. The stupidly long list of crossovers is in the next chapter]

> She also noticed that he needed a shave and that while he
> was recovering he still grew a beard but it wasn't growing very fast,
> which puzzled Washu,

ALAIR: Why? That's pefectly normal.

> but then again this is nothing new. Washu then
> decided to leave him in peace for today.

VIPER: Of course, tomorrow it was going to be tickle-tortures and loud music *all* *freaking* *day.*

>
> chapter 4: getting up!

THIEF: Doesn't look much different from here.

>
> When Washu went to check on him she was mildly surprised to find him
> floating in mid-air, then after a while it dawned on her that he was
> floating on his own!

MAX <sadly>: Washu's as dumb as a bag of rocks in this one, isn't she?
BRANDT <blankly>: Light as a feather, stiff as a board...
SHERLOCK <Venkman>: He sleeps above his covers. *Four feet* above his covers.
[You stole my song ref and my Ghostbusters line. Only because of Slugata am I allowing you to live- Lainer]

> Washu called Ryoko who was really shocked and
> this disbanded that it was Ryoko playing a trick!

MAX: You haven't ruled out the invisible gnomes yet though.

> then as mysteriosly
> as he began to float he began to descend, feeling a lot of different
> emotions, Washu looked at Ryoko then went and had lunch.

ALAIR <Washu>: Wow, a brand new mystey to sol... Oh, forget it. I'm going to have an egg sandwich.
MAX: Surge of emotions, looks at Ryoko, has "lunch". I'm getting some conflicting messages here.
ONIKO: That's because you still have morals.
MAX: Oh, right, duh.
BRANDT <Marge>: First I was nervous, then anxious, then wary, then apprehensive, then... kind of sleepy, then worried, and then concerned.

> After lunch
> Tenchi came and had a look and he was more shocked that Washu was
> because the stranger was sitting up!,

THIEF: Now stay. Stay... Good stranger! Can you play dead? Oh yes you can, yes you can!
MAX: What's with all the drama? It's just some guy sitting up!
SHERLOCK: It's the *self-insertion author* sitting up. There's a difference.

> Tenchi shot out of the lab and
> ran straight into Washu,

THIEF: -Leaving a large hole in Washu quite similiar to a tank shell...

> "h..h...he's u..up," gathering himself
> Tenchi said "he's", "up" replied Washu and ran in to the lab to
> find.....

BRANDT: A check for one billion dollars!
VIPER <The Green Herring>: ...woah. [he O_O's] I WANT THAT!
ONIKO <Twelve>: No. These are my billion dollars. 'Sides, I'm going to spend them all today anyway.
VIPER <TGH>: On what?
[Dramatic pause.]
ONIKO <Twelve>: ...breaking shit.

>
> chapter 5: surprise!

ALL: AHHH!
ONIKO: Stop doing that!
ALAIR: ... a paragraph. One lousy paragraph that so called chapter was.

>
> The stranger sitting up still alseep!

SHERLOCK: So that's five chapters consisting of our hero sleeping, then.
VIPER: This fic brought to you by Andy Warhol.

>but sitting up anyway, then

ALAIR: --- he grabbed the remote, started flipping channels, belched, and scatched at his stomache. Still asleep!
BRANDT: Amazing.

> Washu poked him in the ribs to be sure that he was still asleep, and
> to her surprise she got a sleepy "fuck off!", a bit miffed she
> slapped him and got the same reaction and with that she decided to
> let him be and just observe him.

[ALL pull out plastic dishes with brains in them.]

>
> She sat there all day not moving and happened. Then at three in the
> morning she crawled in to a make-shift bed next to him so if anything
> happened she would know.

MAX: Not that there's any sort of alarm or camera she could set up in her lab, no sir...
VIPER: Well if there was, you'd have to hit space and 'n' together to go into crawl mode, get under the table and wait for it to move across to the other room to avoid the screen flashing red with gas.
ONIKO <game show host>: Naaaaaame That Reference!
BRANDT: Answers on a postcard please, to...

> When she a woke she got a shock the stranger
> was gone, when she sat up there was an even bigger surprise, the
> stranger moved her to where he was, where it was comfortable, and lay
> where she was, where it was not as comfortable.

VIPER: I'm confused.
ALAIR: What about?
VIPER: Well, first he switched places with her.
ALAIR: Right.
VIPER: And then he covered Washu in Lays potato chips.
ONIKO: Yes.
VIPER: And later went on to save the Floozlies from the evil Garbos.
SHERLOCK: Uh-huh.
VIPER: But... then what?
BRANDT: He went to Narnia and became a wonderful princess.
VIPER: Oh, okay. Now it makes sense.
[ALAIR screams and throttles VIPER.]

> She tried to poke him
> but stopped incase there was more responce than she was ready for.

MAX: Yeah, he could... I don't know, *explode* or something if you poke him the wrong way.
THIEF: Or he could explode if you poked him the *right* way.
MAX: What're you... ew.
VIPER <Chipmunk>: Oh no! You pressed the blow up the word rib!
BRANDT <deep-voiced>: Wait a minute, how could there be a blow up the world rib just-
[*BLAM*]
ALAIR <Washu>: Oh dear, he's floating again.
[Pause]
MAX: ... okay, that works, I guess.

Posted on Aug 7, 2003, 5:39 AM
from IP address 210.50.106.122

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No witty message title to speak of.

by Cruton (no login)

> The meeting of a new friend!

MAX: If I see Barney pop up here, I'm killing something.

> by A. Richmond

ONIKO: Just your standard Richmond, indistinguishable from all the other Richmonds...

>
> It was a nice clear sunny day around the Masaki home, when there
> was suddenly an electric storm.

MAX: Because as we all know, electric storms are inclined to occur during clear sunny days. Damnit.
BRANDT <singing>: Lightning's striking agaiiin-
VIPER <singing>: -THUN-DAH-STRUCK! YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, THUN-DAH-STRUCK!

>From which a tall, well bulit man
> fell with a sickening crunch.

VIPER <Man>: ... I think I fell on my keys.
BRANDT <singing>: It's raining men! Hallejulah, it's raining men! Amen!
[ALL stare at BRANDT.]

>Soon a shadow fell upon him.

SHERLOCK: It fell with more of a pleasantly smelling crunch.

> So the tale begins!

ALAIR: Now is the beginning of a fantastic story! Journey with us to the cave of monsters!

>
> chapter 1: hi there!

ONIKO: Hi! How've you been?
VIPER <Abe>: Follow me.
ONIKO: Okay.
[VIPER and ONIKO get out of their seats and tiptoe around the theater.]

>
> The first person to discover the stranger, was by Mihoshi,

ALAIR: So... the person who discovered the stranger was standing by Mihoshi then?
VIPER: He or she shall, for the duration of the fic, be referred to as Mel.

> whose
> reaction was a scream when she tripped over him, oblivous the fact
> that he was lying in plain sight.

SHERLOCK: Mihoshi herself, not far away, was relatively unfazed.

>Tenchi came to see what the
> comotion was and was shocked to find Mihoshi sprawled on the floor

THIEF: ...with a camera, a jar of lube, and a large bottle of sake stuck in her --
[MAX grabs THIEF's head with his clamp and throws him up into the air. THIEF lands several rows back.]
ONIKO: And in the Toonami version, it'd be "tea," but that's not the point right now.

> next to some guy lying in an awkward position that signaled bad
> injurys.

ALAIR <Washu>: I keep telling them that the robo-Mihoshi's soft skin is just a cover for the sharp, jagged metal parts under the surface.
SHERLOCK: The fact that he had his head up his arse was a dead giveaway.
BRANDT <Guy>: Mad Gears... coming... escape while... you can...
ONIKO: But were his injuries bad enough to save the President?

> "What the hell is going on, now?" came Ryoko's voice, before
> Tenchi had a second thought.

MAX: Of course, this being Tenchi that can take awhile.

> "My, my, who's this?" enquired Ryoko
> with some surprise, "and should he be lying like that?"

SHERLOCK: Of course he should. He worked for the Clintons.
[OR]
ALAIR <Tenchi>: Technically, the British are lying, if anyone. He's just repeating their intelligence without confirmation from the CIA.

>
> The stranger was wearing a plain black baseball cap pulled down so
> that his face didn't show above his jaw,

ALAIR: Clark Steel?

> a baggy shirt with a double
> shoulder holster which contained two fully automatic 9 mm Uzis'.

ALAIR: I seem to recall that private citizens owning full-auto weaponry is... oh, what's the word...
MAX: Illegal?
ALAIR: Yes, thank you.

> A
> pair of baggy black jeans on which hung a mobile phone, strapped to
> his right leg is what looked like a shotgun but it had almost no
> stock or barrel,

VIPER: ...and a noticeable lack of lock and smoke, too.
MAX: Sawed-off's illegal too, I think.
ONIKO: Oh, pshaw. He's far too l33t to be arrested on minor stuff like illegal firearms.

> he was wearing a strange looking watch with lots of
> strange looking coloured balls on the strap

BRANDT: ...which he'd gotten from the inside of a cereal box along with his Buzz Lightyear secret decoder ring.

>and in his hands he had a
> small metalic object and a ninja sword with the kanji for 'elemental
> bakemono nihonto' ( elemental monster sword) etched on the hilt.

BRANDT: Is it an elemental sword made by monsters, a sword from elemental monsters, or a monster's sword from an elemental?
VIPER <Karsh>: Yes.
ONIKO: I'm thinkin' it should've been "uguna yanki nihontou." [He grins.] Not that I'm one to talk, though...
[It should be something like, "kouseitan'i kaijuu nihontou"... I think.
He's saying "stupid white-boy/Yankee sword," for the record.]

> At
> his waist hung two beautfully crafted knives with hanldes decorated
> with snakes which were in the scabbards for them which were decorated
> with black widow spiders,

ALAIR: Actually, that's not a decoration.
VIPER <Adam>: Get them off! Get them off!

> and on the back of his jeans hung a combat
> knife and to complement his outfit he wore a black pair of boots
> which where tall enough to hide a throwing knife in each.

MAX: He's every other ShadowRun Street Samurai ever created.
[the only?]
SHERLOCK: Unwelcoming apparel and loaded to the teeth with weapons. Sounds like another beautful day on the streets of LA.

>
> Ryoko stood there, and decided to state the obvious "he certinly
> likes black doesn't he?",

BRANDT: ...and he'll never go back.
VIPER: And if you'd open up his chest you'd find a black heart.
MAX: And that red door he's got with him, that's black too.

> everybody just ignored this comment which
> annoyed Ryoko.

ALAIR: And the Circle of Life is completed again, or something.

> "Well hadn't we better try to see who this guy is and
> tend to his injurys?"came Washu's voice, scaring everyone half to
> death.

ALAIR <Ryoko>: Heal him? Have you finally gone insane?
MAX <Washu>: Huh? Wha....why wouldn't we...?
ONIKO <Tenchi>: Look at all that stuff! Can you imagine how much that's worth to a pawn shop? I'm honestly shocked that didn't occur to you.
[Pause. MAX taps his forehead a couple of times.]
MAX <Washu>: Oooh. Right. Right.

>
> chapter 2:


ALAIR: You mean page 2, right?

> who are you?

ALAIR: I'm Alair, the atypical psychic corporate agent with a mysterious past.
VIPER: I'm Viper, the atypical cute mascot thing.
SHERLOCK: I'm Batman.
BRANDT: I'm Brandt, the atypical anime/video game fanboy.
ONIKO: I'm Oniko, the atypical anime/video game fanboy.
MAX: I'm Max, the atypical anime/video... er...
[OR, after Sherlock's]
BRANDT: I am the Terror that Flaps in the Night. I am the... [notices ONIKO glaring at him] ...guy with the foot in his mouth. Sorry.

>
> It was a full two days' to even get him to lie straight

BRANDT <guy>: I am a crook.
SHERLOCK: No, no, no...

> without
> adding even more injurys, by now the only people who hadn't seen the
> stanger was Minagai, Kiyone and Sasami.

VIPER: But Mulder was there, frantically trying to get people to notice him before the next murders occurred. Too bad he was strapped to the bed at the time.

>Even Ayeka had quick look at
> the stranger was.

BRANDT: The stranger was what now?
MAX: And what's so 'even Ayeka' about that? She's a pushy snoop.

> Washu had noticed that his body seemed to be
> healing at an extremely rapid rate while he slept, almost like in the
> vampire tales like Dracula.

BRANDT: I remember that part!
[VIPER jumps up from his seat and lies down on the floor with his arms crossed over his chest and eyes closed in front of the screen. ONIKO approaches with trepidition.]
ONIKO <Jonathon Harker>: His body seems to be healing at an extremely rapid rate as he sleeps!
VIPER <Dracula>: [Opens his eyes] Cool, ain't it? Oh! Hey, check this out!
[VIPER turns into a bat with an overdramatic puff of brimstone]
ONIKO <Jonathon Harker>: Ye gods man!
[They return to their seats, VIPER turning back to normal above his.]
VIPER: ... and I'm sticking to my seat now.
MAX <Gabe>: I'm okay... my mutant healing power is kicking in.
SHERLOCK <Tycho>: You don't have a mutant healing power.
MAX <Gabe>: Well... shit.

>
> At lunch Tenchi asked how the stranger was doing, washu's answer was:

THIEF <Washu>: Stranger? What stranger? Say, this is a nice stew, huh?

> "he seems to be human but he heals at a rapid rate,

BRANDT: They give Mutant Healing Factors out in cereal boxes these days.

> I estimate that
> he will be awake with in three days at the least. I don't seem to be
> able to pry that hat out off of his head, it's almost as if it's
> being held by some invisible force,"

VIPER: That or super glue, Washu. Which do you think?
ONIKO: He must get his hats at the same place as Raiden.
ALAIR: It's the Terry Bogard Effect. If you really want it off, try getting him to say, "okay!"

> thats when Ryoko replied "Its
> just that your a wimp! I'm surpised that you can sit up in bed on
> your own, squirt".

ALAIR: It's not her fault! She just needs to beat Hercules so she can get the Yellow Trinity first!

>"now, now, girls theres no need to be so mean at
> this time or anytime for that matter! so just get along" said
> Tenchi, amazed at himself for making his little speech

MAX: The same speech he makes *every single day.*

> decided to sit
> there quietly for the rest of the morning. After lunch Washu noticed
> that the stranger had moved almost as if he was sleeping,

VIPER <Washu>: Dear Christ, he rolled over! WHAT ABOMINATION OF MAN IS THIS!?
ALAIR: ... gasp?

> she was
> pleased that she had manged to remove his weapons apart from the
> scabard for the sword and that damn object in his hand!, she was
> dying to find out what it did!

THIEF: Lady, it's nothing special. You've probably got one just like it shoved under your bed.
MAX: ...and why does *she* care, anyway? It's not as if anything's shown any sort of strange phenomena. Aside from the whole "appearing out of nowhere" thing, anyway.
SHERLOCK: I'm just curious as to why every bizzare event in Japan is centered around Tenchi's house.
ONIKO: Or in Nermia.

>
> chapter 3:


ALAIR: PAGE Three. If even that.

> Its' gonna be a long day

ALAIR: [Brightens] Not for us! If all the chapters are this short, we'll be out of here in-
LANCE <over intercom>: There are five fics with a total of eighty-two chapters.
ALAIR: -about a week.

>
> It was the very next day that Washu decided to see she could pry the
> hat off his head and that object from his hand, just to see what it
> did!, she told herself "it's all in the aid of science!",

ONIKO: Science!
[VIPER plays a quick 80's synth riff on a portable keyboard.]
MAX: Okay, so she tried getting his hat off-
[THIEF chuckles.]
MAX: ...but couldn't, and she's going to try now. Is it just me, or did continuity just go out the window?

> "bullshit"
> replied her mind.

MAX: As did the readers.
ONIKO: Bullshit.
SHERLOCK: Bullshit.
VIPER: Pachinko.
[ALL glare at VIPER]
ALAIR <Washu's mind>: "Mom, she's picking on me!" "I wonder if I left the washing machine running" "Does anyone here like cheese?" "Voices!"
[ALL slowly turn to stare at ALAIR]
ALAIR: What?
ONIKO: You wouldn't happen to have a psychotic alter-ego, would you?
ALAIR: ... not that I know of?
ONIKO: Good.

> When she got down to her lab she got a surprise,
> the subject was gone! After a bit of searching she discovered that he
> had fallen off the table and was lying face down on the floor,

ONIKO: Does that really take "a bit of searching" to notice?
ALAIR: He has been protected from the Terrible Secret of Space. [She nods sagely]

> when
> she tried to lift him she found he was rather light and that she
> could carry him anywhere without any effort then finally she went and

VIPER: ...threw him into the fairy fountain to get more arrows!
MAX: I always thought that was a weird thing to wish for.
BRANDT: Yeah, he could've wished for world peace.
MAX: ...something like that, yeah. But more bombs? What was he on?
ONIKO: The Magic Powder. Duh.

> got some breakfast, when she returned she found Ryoko trying to
> remove the hat!, "so you wanted to try it too?" said Washu,
> surprising Ryoko.

BRANDT <Ryoko>: Haven't you heard? He who removes this hat becomes right king of all Britons.

>Ryoko's reply was spat out at Washu, "I thought
> that since you were trying to get the hat off, I would come and help.
> But it seems stuck and I can't cut it at all.",

VIPER: Admantium hats. Spiffy.
MAX: Could be Gundanium.
VIPER: What's the difference?
MAX: Well, one is...
[Long pause.]
MAX: I have no freakin' clue.

> "YOU DID WHAT!" screamed Washu,

SHERLOCK <Washu>: What you say?!

> gathering herself, she said "you don't try to cut his
> hat off incase you injure him."

ALAIR: Um... how likely would that be? Is the top of his head really unusually pointy, or something?
VIPER: Anyone else getting 'Spider: The Video Game' flashbacks?
[Silence.]
VIPER: Dang.

> "I was only trying to help you"
> replied Ryoko and with that she teleported to go and pick on Ayeka.
> "Good, she's gone" said Washu under her breath.

BRANDT: Washu, couldn't you at least try to be a better mother?
ONIKO <Washu>: Okay, guys, break out the tequila and nachos!
[ALL whoop and holler.]

>
> That afternoon after lunch Washu decided that she would give up
> trying to remove the hat and object from the stranger as she had been
> trying all morning.

ALAIR: Washu, admit it: You're obsessed.
VIPER <Washu as Tycho>: I'm the king of hats!

> It was when Washu gave up she noticed that he had
> an ear-ring in his left ear and the jewel in it was black

ALL: Shock.
SHERLOCK: I've seen more color in penguins.
ALAIR: Wait, so is it the left ear or the right ear that means you're gay?
ONIKO: I dunno, let's ask. Hey Brandt!
BRANDT: Well, I think it's -- wait, why are you asking me?
ONIKO <innocently>: No reason.

>and that he
> had a cross hanging around his neck and this was also made from the
> black jewel and

VIPER <singing>: She saw a line of cars and they're all painted black...

> it was engraved with 'G.F. warrior' in really small
> writing.


ONIKO <Thief>: I call it 'Sub-Sub Script'. You owe me fifteen cents just for reading that, by the way.
SHERLOCK: That's funny, I thought that the Garden Fungus warriors disbanded.
MAX: Oh, a Final Fantasy VIII crossover. Super.
[Actually yes. The stupidly long list of crossovers is in the next chapter]

> She also noticed that he needed a shave and that while he
> was recovering he still grew a beard but it wasn't growing very fast,
> which puzzled Washu,

ALAIR: Why? That's pefectly normal.

> but then again this is nothing new. Washu then
> decided to leave him in peace for today.

VIPER: Of course, tomorrow it was going to be tickle-tortures and loud music *all* *freaking* *day.*

>
> chapter 4: getting up!

THIEF: Doesn't look much different from here.

>
> When Washu went to check on him she was mildly surprised to find him
> floating in mid-air, then after a while it dawned on her that he was
> floating on his own!

MAX <sadly>: Washu's as dumb as a bag of rocks in this one, isn't she?
BRANDT <blankly>: Light as a feather, stiff as a board...
SHERLOCK <Venkman>: He sleeps above his covers. *Four feet* above his covers.
[You stole my song ref and my Ghostbusters line. Only because of Slugata am I allowing you to live- Lainer]

> Washu called Ryoko who was really shocked and
> this disbanded that it was Ryoko playing a trick!

MAX: You haven't ruled out the invisible gnomes yet though.
SHERLOCK: All the former members of That It Was Ryoko Playing A Trick went back to their former lives, except for Zack, who moved to Germany and had a botched sex change operation. With this, punk disco had died.

> then as mysteriosly
> as he began to float he began to descend, feeling a lot of different
> emotions, Washu looked at Ryoko then went and had lunch.

ALAIR <Washu>: Wow, a brand new mystey to sol... Oh, forget it. I'm going to have an egg sandwich.
MAX: Surge of emotions, looks at Ryoko, has "lunch". I'm getting some conflicting messages here.
ONIKO: That's because you still have morals.
MAX: Oh, right, duh.
BRANDT <Marge>: First I was nervous, then anxious, then wary, then apprehensive, then... kind of sleepy, then worried, and then concerned.

> After lunch
> Tenchi came and had a look and he was more shocked that Washu was
> because the stranger was sitting up!,

THIEF: Now stay. Stay... Good stranger! Can you play dead? Oh yes you can, yes you can!
MAX: What's with all the drama? It's just some guy sitting up!
SHERLOCK: It's the *self-insertion author* sitting up. There's a difference.

> Tenchi shot out of the lab and
> ran straight into Washu,

THIEF: -Leaving a large hole in Washu quite similiar to a tank shell...

> "h..h...he's u..up," gathering himself
> Tenchi said "he's", "up" replied Washu and ran in to the lab to
> find.....

BRANDT: A check for one billion dollars!
VIPER <The Green Herring>: ...woah. [he O_O's] I WANT THAT!
ONIKO <Twelve>: No. These are my billion dollars. 'Sides, I'm going to spend them all today anyway.
VIPER <TGH>: On what?
[Dramatic pause.]
ONIKO <Twelve>: ...breaking shit.

>
> chapter 5: surprise!

ALL: AHHH!
ONIKO: Stop doing that!
ALAIR: ... a paragraph. One lousy paragraph that so called chapter was.

>
> The stranger sitting up still alseep!

SHERLOCK: So that's five chapters consisting of our hero sleeping, then.
VIPER: This fic brought to you by Andy Warhol.

>but sitting up anyway, then

ALAIR: --- he grabbed the remote, started flipping channels, belched, and scatched at his stomache. Still asleep!
BRANDT: Amazing.

> Washu poked him in the ribs to be sure that he was still asleep, and
> to her surprise she got a sleepy "fuck off!", a bit miffed she
> slapped him and got the same reaction and with that she decided to
> let him be and just observe him.

[ALL pull out plastic dishes with brains in them.]

>
> She sat there all day not moving and happened.
ALAIR: It can still be debated if she was an act of God or just a coincidence.
>Then at three in the
> morning she crawled in to a make-shift bed next to him so if anything
> happened she would know.

MAX: Not that there's any sort of alarm or camera she could set up in her lab, no sir...
VIPER: Well if there was, you'd have to hit space and 'n' together to go into crawl mode, get under the table and wait for it to move across to the other room to avoid the screen flashing red with gas.
ONIKO <game show host>: Naaaaaame That Reference!
BRANDT: Answers on a postcard please, to...

> When she a woke she got a shock the stranger
> was gone, when she sat up there was an even bigger surprise, the
> stranger moved her to where he was, where it was comfortable, and lay
> where she was, where it was not as comfortable.

VIPER: I'm confused.
ALAIR: What about?
VIPER: Well, first he switched places with her.
ALAIR: Right.
VIPER: And then he covered Washu in Lays potato chips.
ONIKO: Yes.
VIPER: And later went on to save the Floozlies from the evil Garbos.
SHERLOCK: Uh-huh.
VIPER: But... then what?
BRANDT: He went to Narnia and became a wonderful princess.
VIPER: Oh, okay. Now it makes sense.
[ALAIR screams and throttles VIPER.]

> She tried to poke him
> but stopped incase there was more responce than she was ready for.

MAX: Yeah, he could... I don't know, *explode* or something if you poke him the wrong way.
THIEF: Or he could explode if you poked him the *right* way.
MAX: What're you... ew.
VIPER <Chipmunk>: Oh no! You pressed the blow up the word rib!
BRANDT <deep-voiced>: Wait a minute, how could there be a blow up the world rib just-
[*BLAM*]
ALAIR <Washu>: Oh dear, he's floating again.
[Pause]
MAX: ... okay, that works, I guess.


Posted on Aug 7, 2003, 9:54 AM
from IP address 66.72.196.52

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[To echo Viper's sentiment] Curse you people and your closer timezones!

by Idiotbox (no login)

[Three riffs. Three riffs, dammit! Ahem. If mine look OOC [which they probably are] blame it on a toxic beerslam of me being in a hurry and me being bitter at everyone for taking all the good riffs.]

> The meeting of a new friend!

MAX: If I see Barney pop up here, I'm killing something.

> by A. Richmond

ONIKO: Just your standard Richmond, indistinguishable from all the other Richmonds...

>
> It was a nice clear sunny day around the Masaki home, when there
> was suddenly an electric storm.

MAX: Because as we all know, electric storms are inclined to occur during clear sunny days. Damnit.
BRANDT <singing>: Lightning's striking agaiiin-
VIPER <singing>: -THUN-DAH-STRUCK! YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, THUN-DAH-STRUCK!

>From which a tall, well bulit man

BRANDT: A tall, well bulit man?
ALAIR: Its just a typo. Ignore it.
MAX: But a typo for what?
ONIKO: Bullet?
VIPER: Bobbit?
SHERLOCK: A tall, well bobbitized man?
[Pause.]
ALAIR: Nevermind.

> fell with a sickening crunch.

VIPER <Man>: ... I think I fell on my keys.
BRANDT <singing>: It's raining men! Hallejulah, it's raining men! Amen!
[ALL stare at BRANDT.]

>Soon a shadow fell upon him.

ONIKO: Great, Mr. Dark is stealing the Great Protoon, again.
SHERLOCK: It fell with more of a pleasantly smelling crunch.

> So the tale begins!

ALAIR: Now is the beginning of a fantastic story! Journey with us to the cave of monsters!
VIPER <Singing>: City dweller, sucessful feller, thought to himself, oops I've got a lot of money...

>
> chapter 1: hi there!

ONIKO: Hi! How've you been?
VIPER <Abe>: Follow me.
ONIKO: Okay.
[VIPER and ONIKO get out of their seats and tiptoe around the theater.]

>
> The first person to discover the stranger, was by Mihoshi,

ALAIR: So... the person who discovered the stranger was standing by Mihoshi then?
VIPER: He or she shall, for the duration of the fic, be referred to as Mel.

> whose
> reaction was a scream when she tripped over him, oblivous the fact
> that he was lying in plain sight.

SHERLOCK: Mihoshi herself, not far away, was relatively unfazed.

>Tenchi came to see what the
> comotion was and was shocked to find Mihoshi sprawled on the floor

THIEF: ...with a camera, a jar of lube, and a large bottle of sake stuck in her --
[MAX grabs THIEF's head with his clamp and throws him up into the air. THIEF lands several rows back.]
ONIKO: And in the Toonami version, it'd be "tea," but that's not the point right now.

> next to some guy lying in an awkward position that signaled bad
> injurys.

ALAIR <Washu>: I keep telling them that the robo-Mihoshi's soft skin is just a cover for the sharp, jagged metal parts under the surface.
SHERLOCK: The fact that he had his head up his arse was a dead giveaway.
BRANDT <Guy>: Mad Gears... coming... escape while... you can...
ONIKO: But were his injuries bad enough to save the President?

> "What the hell is going on, now?" came Ryoko's voice, before
> Tenchi had a second thought.

MAX: Of course, this being Tenchi that can take awhile.

> "My, my, who's this?" enquired Ryoko
> with some surprise, "and should he be lying like that?"

SHERLOCK: Of course he should. He worked for the Clintons.
[OR]
ALAIR <Tenchi>: Technically, the British are lying, if anyone. He's just repeating their intelligence without confirmation from the CIA.

>
> The stranger was wearing a plain black baseball cap pulled down so
> that his face didn't show above his jaw,

ALAIR: Clark Steel?

> a baggy shirt with a double
> shoulder holster which contained two fully automatic 9 mm Uzis'.

ONIKO: Mary Sue alert.
ALAIR: I seem to recall that private citizens owning full-auto weaponry is... oh, what's the word...
MAX: Illegal?
ALAIR: Yes, thank you.

> A
> pair of baggy black jeans on which hung a mobile phone, strapped to
> his right leg is what looked like a shotgun but it had almost no
> stock or barrel,

VIPER: ...and a noticeable lack of lock and smoke, too.
MAX: Sawed-off's illegal too, I think.
ONIKO: Oh, pshaw. He's far too l33t to be arrested on minor stuff like illegal firearms.

> he was wearing a strange looking watch with lots of
> strange looking coloured balls on the strap

BRANDT: ...which he'd gotten from the inside of a cereal box along with his Buzz Lightyear secret decoder ring.

>and in his hands he had a
> small metalic object and a ninja sword with the kanji for 'elemental
> bakemono nihonto' ( elemental monster sword) etched on the hilt.

BRANDT: Is it an elemental sword made by monsters, a sword from elemental monsters, or a monster's sword from an elemental?
VIPER <Karsh>: Yes.
ONIKO: I'm thinkin' it should've been "uguna yanki nihontou." [He grins.] Not that I'm one to talk, though...
[It should be something like, "kouseitan'i kaijuu nihontou"... I think.
He's saying "stupid white-boy/Yankee sword," for the record.]

> At
> his waist hung two beautfully crafted knives with hanldes decorated
> with snakes which were in the scabbards for them which were decorated
> with black widow spiders,

ALAIR: Actually, that's not a decoration.
VIPER <Adam>: Get them off! Get them off!

> and on the back of his jeans hung a combat
> knife and to complement his outfit he wore a black pair of boots
> which where tall enough to hide a throwing knife in each.

MAX: He's every other ShadowRun Street Samurai ever created.
[the only?]
SHERLOCK: Unwelcoming apparel and loaded to the teeth with weapons. Sounds like another beautful day on the streets of LA.

>
> Ryoko stood there, and decided to state the obvious "he certinly
> likes black doesn't he?",

BRANDT: ...and he'll never go back.
VIPER: And if you'd open up his chest you'd find a black heart.
MAX: And that red door he's got with him, that's black too.

> everybody just ignored this comment which
> annoyed Ryoko.

ALAIR: And the Circle of Life is completed again, or something.

> "Well hadn't we better try to see who this guy is and
> tend to his injurys?"came Washu's voice, scaring everyone half to
> death.

ALAIR <Ryoko>: Heal him? Have you finally gone insane?
MAX <Washu>: Huh? Wha....why wouldn't we...?
ONIKO <Tenchi>: Look at all that stuff! Can you imagine how much that's worth to a pawn shop? I'm honestly shocked that didn't occur to you.
[Pause. MAX taps his forehead a couple of times.]
MAX <Washu>: Oooh. Right. Right.

>
> chapter 2:


ALAIR: You mean page 2, right?

> who are you?

ALAIR: I'm Alair, the atypical psychic corporate agent with a mysterious past.
VIPER: I'm Viper, the atypical cute mascot thing.
SHERLOCK: I'm Batman.
BRANDT: I'm Brandt, the atypical anime/video game fanboy.
ONIKO: I'm Oniko, the atypical anime/video game fanboy.
MAX: I'm Max, the atypical anime/video... er...
[OR, after Sherlock's]
BRANDT: I am the Terror that Flaps in the Night. I am the... [notices ONIKO glaring at him] ...guy with the foot in his mouth. Sorry.

>
> It was a full two days' to even get him to lie straight

BRANDT <guy>: I am a crook.
SHERLOCK: No, no, no...

> without
> adding even more injurys, by now the only people who hadn't seen the
> stanger was Minagai, Kiyone and Sasami.

VIPER: But Mulder was there, frantically trying to get people to notice him before the next murders occurred. Too bad he was strapped to the bed at the time.

>Even Ayeka had quick look at
> the stranger was.

BRANDT: The stranger was what now?
MAX: And what's so 'even Ayeka' about that? She's a pushy snoop.

> Washu had noticed that his body seemed to be
> healing at an extremely rapid rate while he slept, almost like in the
> vampire tales like Dracula.

BRANDT: I remember that part!
[VIPER jumps up from his seat and lies down on the floor with his arms crossed over his chest and eyes closed in front of the screen. ONIKO approaches with trepidition.]
ONIKO <Jonathon Harker>: His body seems to be healing at an extremely rapid rate as he sleeps!
VIPER <Dracula>: [Opens his eyes] Cool, ain't it? Oh! Hey, check this out!
[VIPER turns into a bat with an overdramatic puff of brimstone]
ONIKO <Jonathon Harker>: Ye gods man!
[They return to their seats, VIPER turning back to normal above his.]
VIPER: ... and I'm sticking to my seat now.
MAX <Gabe>: I'm okay... my mutant healing power is kicking in.
SHERLOCK <Tycho>: You don't have a mutant healing power.
MAX <Gabe>: Well... shit.

>
> At lunch Tenchi asked how the stranger was doing, washu's answer was:

THIEF <Washu>: Stranger? What stranger? Say, this is a nice stew, huh?

> "he seems to be human but he heals at a rapid rate,

BRANDT: They give Mutant Healing Factors out in cereal boxes these days.

> I estimate that
> he will be awake with in three days at the least. I don't seem to be
> able to pry that hat out off of his head, it's almost as if it's
> being held by some invisible force,"

VIPER: That or super glue, Washu. Which do you think?
ONIKO: He must get his hats at the same place as Raiden.
ALAIR: It's the Terry Bogard Effect. If you really want it off, try getting him to say, "okay!"

> thats when Ryoko replied "Its
> just that your a wimp! I'm surpised that you can sit up in bed on
> your own, squirt".

ALAIR: It's not her fault! She just needs to beat Hercules so she can get the Yellow Trinity first!

>"now, now, girls theres no need to be so mean at
> this time or anytime for that matter! so just get along" said
> Tenchi, amazed at himself for making his little speech

MAX: The same speech he makes *every single day.*

> decided to sit
> there quietly for the rest of the morning. After lunch Washu noticed
> that the stranger had moved almost as if he was sleeping,

VIPER <Washu>: Dear Christ, he rolled over! WHAT ABOMINATION OF MAN IS THIS!?
ALAIR: ... gasp?

> she was
> pleased that she had manged to remove his weapons apart from the
> scabard for the sword and that damn object in his hand!, she was
> dying to find out what it did!

THIEF: Lady, it's nothing special. You've probably got one just like it shoved under your bed.
MAX: ...and why does *she* care, anyway? It's not as if anything's shown any sort of strange phenomena. Aside from the whole "appearing out of nowhere" thing, anyway.
SHERLOCK: I'm just curious as to why every bizzare event in Japan is centered around Tenchi's house.
ONIKO: Or in Nermia.

>
> chapter 3:


ALAIR: PAGE Three. If even that.

> Its' gonna be a long day

ALAIR: [Brightens] Not for us! If all the chapters are this short, we'll be out of here in-
LANCE <over intercom>: There are five fics with a total of eighty-two chapters.
ALAIR: -about a week.

>
> It was the very next day that Washu decided to see she could pry the
> hat off his head and that object from his hand, just to see what it
> did!, she told herself "it's all in the aid of science!",

ONIKO: Science!
[VIPER plays a quick 80's synth riff on a portable keyboard.]
MAX: Okay, so she tried getting his hat off-
[THIEF chuckles.]
MAX: ...but couldn't, and she's going to try now. Is it just me, or did continuity just go out the window?

> "bullshit"
> replied her mind.

MAX: As did the readers.
ONIKO: Bullshit.
SHERLOCK: Bullshit.
VIPER: Pachinko.
[ALL glare at VIPER]
ALAIR <Washu's mind>: "Mom, she's picking on me!" "I wonder if I left the washing machine running" "Does anyone here like cheese?" "Voices!"
[ALL slowly turn to stare at ALAIR]
ALAIR: What?
ONIKO: You wouldn't happen to have a psychotic alter-ego, would you?
ALAIR: ... not that I know of?
ONIKO: Good.

> When she got down to her lab she got a surprise,
> the subject was gone! After a bit of searching she discovered that he
> had fallen off the table and was lying face down on the floor,

ONIKO: Does that really take "a bit of searching" to notice?
ALAIR: He has been protected from the Terrible Secret of Space. [She nods sagely]

> when
> she tried to lift him she found he was rather light and that she
> could carry him anywhere without any effort then finally she went and

VIPER: ...threw him into the fairy fountain to get more arrows!
MAX: I always thought that was a weird thing to wish for.
BRANDT: Yeah, he could've wished for world peace.
MAX: ...something like that, yeah. But more bombs? What was he on?
ONIKO: The Magic Powder. Duh.

> got some breakfast, when she returned she found Ryoko trying to
> remove the hat!, "so you wanted to try it too?" said Washu,
> surprising Ryoko.

BRANDT <Ryoko>: Haven't you heard? He who removes this hat becomes right king of all Britons.

>Ryoko's reply was spat out at Washu, "I thought
> that since you were trying to get the hat off, I would come and help.
> But it seems stuck and I can't cut it at all.",

VIPER: Admantium hats. Spiffy.
MAX: Could be Gundanium.
VIPER: What's the difference?
MAX: Well, one is...
[Long pause.]
MAX: I have no freakin' clue.

> "YOU DID WHAT!" screamed Washu,

SHERLOCK <Washu>: What you say?!

> gathering herself, she said "you don't try to cut his
> hat off incase you injure him."

ALAIR: Um... how likely would that be? Is the top of his head really unusually pointy, or something?
VIPER: Anyone else getting 'Spider: The Video Game' flashbacks?
[Silence.]
VIPER: Dang.

> "I was only trying to help you"
> replied Ryoko and with that she teleported to go and pick on Ayeka.
> "Good, she's gone" said Washu under her breath.

BRANDT: Washu, couldn't you at least try to be a better mother?
ONIKO <Washu>: Okay, guys, break out the tequila and nachos!
[ALL whoop and holler.]

>
> That afternoon after lunch Washu decided that she would give up
> trying to remove the hat and object from the stranger as she had been
> trying all morning.

ALAIR: Washu, admit it: You're obsessed.
VIPER <Washu as Tycho>: I'm the king of hats!

> It was when Washu gave up she noticed that he had
> an ear-ring in his left ear and the jewel in it was black

ALL: Shock.
SHERLOCK: I've seen more color in penguins.
ALAIR: Wait, so is it the left ear or the right ear that means you're gay?
ONIKO: I dunno, let's ask. Hey Brandt!
BRANDT: Well, I think it's -- wait, why are you asking me?
ONIKO <innocently>: No reason.

>and that he
> had a cross hanging around his neck and this was also made from the
> black jewel and

VIPER <singing>: She saw a line of cars and they're all painted black...

> it was engraved with 'G.F. warrior' in really small
> writing.

ONIKO <Thief>: I call it 'Sub-Sub Script'. You owe me fifteen cents just for reading that, by the way.
SHERLOCK: That's funny, I thought that the Garden Fungus warriors disbanded.
MAX: Oh, a Final Fantasy VIII crossover. Super.
[Actually yes. The stupidly long list of crossovers is in the next chapter]

> She also noticed that he needed a shave and that while he
> was recovering he still grew a beard but it wasn't growing very fast,
> which puzzled Washu,

ALAIR: Why? That's pefectly normal.

> but then again this is nothing new. Washu then
> decided to leave him in peace for today.

VIPER: Of course, tomorrow it was going to be tickle-tortures and loud music *all* *freaking* *day.*

>
> chapter 4: getting up!

THIEF: Doesn't look much different from here.

>
> When Washu went to check on him she was mildly surprised to find him
> floating in mid-air, then after a while it dawned on her that he was
> floating on his own!

MAX <sadly>: Washu's as dumb as a bag of rocks in this one, isn't she?
BRANDT <blankly>: Light as a feather, stiff as a board...
SHERLOCK <Venkman>: He sleeps above his covers. *Four feet* above his covers.
[You stole my song ref and my Ghostbusters line. Only because of Slugata am I allowing you to live- Lainer]

> Washu called Ryoko who was really shocked and
> this disbanded that it was Ryoko playing a trick!

MAX: You haven't ruled out the invisible gnomes yet though.
SHERLOCK: All the former members of That It Was Ryoko Playing A Trick went back to their former lives, except for Zack, who moved to Germany and had a botched sex change operation. With this, punk disco had died.

> then as mysteriosly
> as he began to float he began to descend, feeling a lot of different
> emotions, Washu looked at Ryoko then went and had lunch.

ALAIR <Washu>: Wow, a brand new mystey to sol... Oh, forget it. I'm going to have an egg sandwich.
MAX: Surge of emotions, looks at Ryoko, has "lunch". I'm getting some conflicting messages here.
ONIKO: That's because you still have morals.
MAX: Oh, right, duh.
BRANDT <Marge>: First I was nervous, then anxious, then wary, then apprehensive, then... kind of sleepy, then worried, and then concerned.

> After lunch
> Tenchi came and had a look and he was more shocked that Washu was
> because the stranger was sitting up!,

THIEF: Now stay. Stay... Good stranger! Can you play dead? Oh yes you can, yes you can!
MAX: What's with all the drama? It's just some guy sitting up!
SHERLOCK: It's the *self-insertion author* sitting up. There's a difference.

> Tenchi shot out of the lab and
> ran straight into Washu,

THIEF: -Leaving a large hole in Washu quite similiar to a tank shell...

> "h..h...he's u..up," gathering himself
> Tenchi said "he's", "up" replied Washu and ran in to the lab to
> find.....

BRANDT: A check for one billion dollars!
VIPER <The Green Herring>: ...woah. [he O_O's] I WANT THAT!
ONIKO <Twelve>: No. These are my billion dollars. 'Sides, I'm going to spend them all today anyway.
VIPER <TGH>: On what?
[Dramatic pause.]
ONIKO <Twelve>: ...breaking shit.

>
> chapter 5: surprise!

ALL: AHHH!
ONIKO: Stop doing that!
ALAIR: ... a paragraph. One lousy paragraph that so called chapter was.

>
> The stranger sitting up still alseep!

SHERLOCK: So that's five chapters consisting of our hero sleeping, then.
VIPER: This fic brought to you by Andy Warhol.

>but sitting up anyway, then

ALAIR: --- he grabbed the remote, started flipping channels, belched, and scatched at his stomache. Still asleep!
BRANDT: Amazing.

> Washu poked him in the ribs to be sure that he was still asleep, and
> to her surprise she got a sleepy "fuck off!", a bit miffed she
> slapped him and got the same reaction and with that she decided to
> let him be and just observe him.

[ALL pull out plastic dishes with brains in them.]

>
> She sat there all day not moving and happened.
ALAIR: It can still be debated if she was an act of God or just a coincidence.
>Then at three in the
> morning she crawled in to a make-shift bed next to him so if anything
> happened she would know.

MAX: Not that there's any sort of alarm or camera she could set up in her lab, no sir...
VIPER: Well if there was, you'd have to hit space and 'n' together to go into crawl mode, get under the table and wait for it to move across to the other room to avoid the screen flashing red with gas.
ONIKO <game show host>: Naaaaaame That Reference!
BRANDT: Answers on a postcard please, to...

> When she a woke she got a shock the stranger
> was gone, when she sat up there was an even bigger surprise, the
> stranger moved her to where he was, where it was comfortable, and lay
> where she was, where it was not as comfortable.

VIPER: I'm confused.
ALAIR: What about?
VIPER: Well, first he switched places with her.
ALAIR: Right.
VIPER: And then he covered Washu in Lays potato chips.
ONIKO: Yes.
VIPER: And later went on to save the Floozlies from the evil Garbos.
SHERLOCK: Uh-huh.
VIPER: But... then what?
BRANDT: He went to Narnia and became a wonderful princess.
VIPER: Oh, okay. Now it makes sense.
[ALAIR screams and throttles VIPER.]

> She tried to poke him
> but stopped incase there was more responce than she was ready for.

MAX: Yeah, he could... I don't know, *explode* or something if you poke him the wrong way.
THIEF: Or he could explode if you poked him the *right* way.
MAX: What're you... ew.
VIPER <Chipmunk>: Oh no! You pressed the blow up the word rib!
BRANDT <deep-voiced>: Wait a minute, how could there be a blow up the world rib just-
[*BLAM*]
ALAIR <Washu>: Oh dear, he's floating again.
[Pause]
MAX: ... okay, that works, I guess.

Posted on Aug 7, 2003, 1:53 PM
from IP address 195.93.49.9

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What timezone would that be?[nr]

by Teen Sensation Lainer (no login)

Just curious. We stopped doing the "We Are Here" thing shortly before dub arrived and since everyone became *very* acquainted with Pond's state, you're the only one here whose location is still a mystery.

Keep Left-->

Posted on Aug 7, 2003, 10:02 PM
from IP address 64.168.27.50

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Standard GMT [England]

by Idiotbox (no login)

Same as Robbie and DHP last time I checked. And if you want to press the issue it would probably be better to take this over to the social board.

Posted on Aug 8, 2003, 1:12 PM
from IP address 195.93.49.9

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Gala riffing!

by (no login)

> The meeting of a new friend!

MAX: If I see Barney pop up here, I'm killing something.

> by A. Richmond

ONIKO: Just your standard Richmond, indistinguishable from all the other Richmonds...

>
> It was a nice clear sunny day around the Masaki home, when there
> was suddenly an electric storm.

MAX: Because as we all know, electric storms are inclined to occur during clear sunny days. Damnit.
BRANDT <singing>: Lightning's striking agaiiin-
VIPER <singing>: -THUN-DAH-STRUCK! YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, THUN-DAH-STRUCK!

>From which a tall, well bulit man

BRANDT: A tall, well bulit man?
ALAIR: Its just a typo. Ignore it.
MAX: But a typo for what?
ONIKO: Bullet?
VIPER: Bobbit?
SHERLOCK: A tall, well bobbitized man?
[Pause.]
ALAIR: Nevermind.

> fell with a sickening crunch.

VIPER <Man>: ... I think I fell on my keys.
BRANDT <singing>: It's raining men! Hallejulah, it's raining men! Amen!
[ALL stare at BRANDT.]

>Soon a shadow fell upon him.

ONIKO: Great, Mr. Dark is stealing the Great Protoon, again.
SHERLOCK: It fell with more of a pleasantly smelling crunch.
VIPER: It's Zato-1!

> So the tale begins!

ALAIR: Now is the beginning of a fantastic story! Journey with us to the cave of monsters!
VIPER <Singing>: City dweller, sucessful feller, thought to himself, oops I've got a lot of money...

>
> chapter 1: hi there!

ONIKO: Hi! How've you been?
VIPER <Abe>: Follow me.
ONIKO: Okay.
[VIPER and ONIKO get out of their seats and tiptoe around the theater.]

>
> The first person to discover the stranger, was by Mihoshi,

ALAIR: So... the person who discovered the stranger was standing by Mihoshi then?
VIPER: He or she shall, for the duration of the fic, be referred to as Mel.
ONIKO: Probably a she... What guy would call himself MEL?!
[Everyone else stares at Oniko]
ONIKO: ...what?

> whose
> reaction was a scream when she tripped over him, oblivous the fact
> that he was lying in plain sight.

SHERLOCK: Mihoshi herself, not far away, was relatively unfazed.
MAX: Must've been following a butterfly.

>Tenchi came to see what the
> comotion was and was shocked to find Mihoshi sprawled on the floor

THIEF: ...with a camera, a jar of lube, and a large bottle of sake stuck in her --
[MAX grabs THIEF's head with his clamp and throws him up into the air. THIEF lands several rows back.]
ONIKO: And in the Toonami version, it'd be "tea," but that's not the point right now.

> next to some guy lying in an awkward position that signaled bad
> injurys.

ALAIR <Washu>: I keep telling them that the robo-Mihoshi's soft skin is just a cover for the sharp, jagged metal parts under the surface.
SHERLOCK: The fact that he had his head up his arse was a dead giveaway.
BRANDT <Guy>: Mad Gears... coming... escape while... you can...
ONIKO: But were his injuries bad enough to save the President?

> "What the hell is going on, now?" came Ryoko's voice, before
> Tenchi had a second thought.

MAX: Of course, this being Tenchi that can take awhile.

> "My, my, who's this?" enquired Ryoko
> with some surprise, "and should he be lying like that?"

SHERLOCK: Of course he should. He worked for the Clintons.
[OR]
ALAIR <Tenchi>: Technically, the British are lying, if anyone. He's just repeating their intelligence without confirmation from the CIA.

>
> The stranger was wearing a plain black baseball cap pulled down so
> that his face didn't show above his jaw,

ALAIR: Clark Steel?

> a baggy shirt with a double
> shoulder holster which contained two fully automatic 9 mm Uzis'.

ONIKO: Mary Sue alert.
SHERLOCK: <singing> He's an Uzi lover!
ALAIR: I seem to recall that private citizens owning full-auto weaponry is... oh, what's the word...
MAX: Illegal?
ALAIR: Yes, thank you.

> A
> pair of baggy black jeans on which hung a mobile phone, strapped to
> his right leg is what looked like a shotgun but it had almost no
> stock or barrel,

VIPER: ...and a noticeable lack of lock and smoke, too.
MAX: Sawed-off's illegal too, I think.
ONIKO: Oh, pshaw. He's far too l33t to be arrested on minor stuff like illegal firearms.

> he was wearing a strange looking watch with lots of
> strange looking coloured balls on the strap

BRANDT: ...which he'd gotten from the inside of a cereal box along with his Buzz Lightyear secret decoder ring.

>and in his hands he had a
> small metalic object and a ninja sword with the kanji for 'elemental
> bakemono nihonto' ( elemental monster sword) etched on the hilt.

BRANDT: Is it an elemental sword made by monsters, a sword from elemental monsters, or a monster's sword from an elemental?
VIPER <Karsh>: Yes.
MAX: Maybe a bit from part A, a bit from part B, and a dollop of part C?
ONIKO: I'm thinkin' it should've been "uguna yanki nihontou." [He grins.] Not that I'm one to talk, though...
[It should be something like, "kouseitan'i kaijuu nihontou"... I think.
He's saying "stupid white-boy/Yankee sword," for the record.]

> At
> his waist hung two beautfully crafted knives with hanldes decorated
> with snakes which were in the scabbards for them which were decorated
> with black widow spiders,

ALAIR: Actually, that's not a decoration.
VIPER <Adam>: Get them off! Get them off!

> and on the back of his jeans hung a combat
> knife and to complement his outfit he wore a black pair of boots
> which where tall enough to hide a throwing knife in each.

MAX: He's every other ShadowRun Street Samurai ever created.
[the only?]
SHERLOCK: Unwelcoming apparel and loaded to the teeth with weapons. Sounds like another beautful day on the streets of LA.

>
> Ryoko stood there, and decided to state the obvious "he certinly
> likes black doesn't he?",

BRANDT: ...and he'll never go back.
VIPER: And if you'd open up his chest you'd find a black heart.
MAX: And that red door he's got with him, that's black too.

> everybody just ignored this comment which
> annoyed Ryoko.

ALAIR: And the Circle of Life is completed again, or something.

> "Well hadn't we better try to see who this guy is and
> tend to his injurys?"came Washu's voice, scaring everyone half to
> death.

ALAIR <Ryoko>: Heal him? Have you finally gone insane?
MAX <Washu>: Huh? Wha....why wouldn't we...?
ONIKO <Tenchi>: Look at all that stuff! Can you imagine how much that's worth to a pawn shop? I'm honestly shocked that didn't occur to you.
[Pause. MAX taps his forehead a couple of times.]
MAX <Washu>: Oooh. Right. Right.

>
> chapter 2:


ALAIR: You mean page 2, right?

> who are you?

ALAIR: I'm Alair, the atypical psychic corporate agent with a mysterious past.
VIPER: I'm Viper, the atypical cute mascot thing.
SHERLOCK: I'm Batman.
BRANDT: I'm Brandt, the atypical anime/video game fanboy.
ONIKO: I'm Oniko, the atypical anime/video game fanboy.
MAX: I'm Max, the atypical anime/video... er...
[OR, after Sherlock's]
BRANDT: I am the Terror that Flaps in the Night. I am the... [notices ONIKO glaring at him] ...guy with the foot in his mouth. Sorry.

>
> It was a full two days' to even get him to lie straight

BRANDT <guy>: I am a crook.
SHERLOCK: No, no, no...

> without
> adding even more injurys, by now the only people who hadn't seen the
> stanger was Minagai, Kiyone and Sasami.

VIPER: But Mulder was there, frantically trying to get people to notice him before the next murders occurred. Too bad he was strapped to the bed at the time.
MAX: Well, that must've been a REALLY bad landing.

>Even Ayeka had quick look at
> the stranger was.

BRANDT: The stranger was what now?
MAX: And what's so 'even Ayeka' about that? She's a pushy snoop.

> Washu had noticed that his body seemed to be
> healing at an extremely rapid rate while he slept, almost like in the
> vampire tales like Dracula.

BRANDT: I remember that part!
[VIPER jumps up from his seat and lies down on the floor with his arms crossed over his chest and eyes closed in front of the screen. ONIKO approaches with trepidition.]
ONIKO <Jonathon Harker>: His body seems to be healing at an extremely rapid rate as he sleeps!
VIPER <Dracula>: [Opens his eyes] Cool, ain't it? Oh! Hey, check this out!
[VIPER turns into a bat with an overdramatic puff of brimstone]
ONIKO <Jonathon Harker>: Ye gods man!
[They return to their seats, VIPER turning back to normal above his.]
VIPER: ... and I'm sticking to my seat now.
MAX <Gabe>: I'm okay... my mutant healing power is kicking in.
SHERLOCK <Tycho>: You don't have a mutant healing power.
MAX <Gabe>: Well... shit.

>
> At lunch Tenchi asked how the stranger was doing, washu's answer was:

THIEF <Washu>: Stranger? What stranger? Say, this is a nice stew, huh?

> "he seems to be human but he heals at a rapid rate,

BRANDT: They give Mutant Healing Factors out in cereal boxes these days.

> I estimate that
> he will be awake with in three days at the least. I don't seem to be
> able to pry that hat out off of his head, it's almost as if it's
> being held by some invisible force,"

VIPER: That or super glue, Washu. Which do you think?
ONIKO: He must get his hats at the same place as Raiden.
ALAIR: It's the Terry Bogard Effect. If you really want it off, try getting him to say, "okay!"

> thats when Ryoko replied "Its
> just that your a wimp! I'm surpised that you can sit up in bed on
> your own, squirt".

ALAIR: It's not her fault! She just needs to beat Hercules so she can get the Yellow Trinity first!

>"now, now, girls theres no need to be so mean at
> this time or anytime for that matter! so just get along" said
> Tenchi, amazed at himself for making his little speech

MAX: The same speech he makes *every single day.*
ONIKO: Yeah, they'd sure like to *get along* with Tenchi...

> decided to sit
> there quietly for the rest of the morning. After lunch Washu noticed
> that the stranger had moved almost as if he was sleeping,

VIPER <Washu>: Dear Christ, he rolled over! WHAT ABOMINATION OF MAN IS THIS!?
ALAIR: ... gasp?

> she was
> pleased that she had manged to remove his weapons apart from the
> scabard for the sword and that damn object in his hand!, she was
> dying to find out what it did!

THIEF: Lady, it's nothing special. You've probably got one just like it shoved under your bed.
MAX: ...and why does *she* care, anyway? It's not as if anything's shown any sort of strange phenomena. Aside from the whole "appearing out of nowhere" thing, anyway.
SHERLOCK: I'm just curious as to why every bizzare event in Japan is centered around Tenchi's house.
ONIKO: Or in Nermia.
MAX: Or in Juuban.

>
> chapter 3:


ALAIR: PAGE Three. If even that.

> Its' gonna be a long day

ALAIR: [Brightens] Not for us! If all the chapters are this short, we'll be out of here in-
LANCE <over intercom>: There are five fics with a total of eighty-two chapters.
ALAIR: -about a week.

>
> It was the very next day that Washu decided to see she could pry the
> hat off his head and that object from his hand, just to see what it
> did!, she told herself "it's all in the aid of science!",

ONIKO: Science!
[VIPER plays a quick 80's synth riff on a portable keyboard.]
ONIKO: <singing> It's poetry in motion! And now she's aking love to me!
MAX: Okay, so she tried getting his hat off-
[THIEF chuckles.]
MAX: ...but couldn't, and she's going to try now. Is it just me, or did continuity just go out the window?

> "bullshit"
> replied her mind.

MAX: As did the readers.
ONIKO: Bullshit.
SHERLOCK: Bullshit.
VIPER: Pachinko.
[ALL glare at VIPER]
ALAIR <Washu's mind>: "Mom, she's picking on me!" "I wonder if I left the washing machine running" "Does anyone here like cheese?" "Voices!"
[ALL slowly turn to stare at ALAIR]
ALAIR: What?
ONIKO: You wouldn't happen to have a psychotic alter-ego, would you?
ALAIR: ... not that I know of?
ONIKO: Good.

> When she got down to her lab she got a surprise,
> the subject was gone! After a bit of searching she discovered that he
> had fallen off the table and was lying face down on the floor,

ONIKO: Does that really take "a bit of searching" to notice?
ALAIR: He has been protected from the Terrible Secret of Space. [She nods sagely]

> when
> she tried to lift him she found he was rather light and that she
> could carry him anywhere without any effort then finally she went and

VIPER: ...threw him into the fairy fountain to get more arrows!
MAX: I always thought that was a weird thing to wish for.
BRANDT: Yeah, he could've wished for world peace.
MAX: ...something like that, yeah. But more bombs? What was he on?
ONIKO: The Magic Powder. Duh.

> got some breakfast, when she returned she found Ryoko trying to
> remove the hat!, "so you wanted to try it too?" said Washu,
> surprising Ryoko.

BRANDT <Ryoko>: Haven't you heard? He who removes this hat becomes right king of all Britons.

>Ryoko's reply was spat out at Washu, "I thought
> that since you were trying to get the hat off, I would come and help.
> But it seems stuck and I can't cut it at all.",

VIPER: Admantium hats. Spiffy.
MAX: Could be Gundanium.
VIPER: What's the difference?
MAX: Well, one is...
[Long pause.]
MAX: I have no freakin' clue.

> "YOU DID WHAT!" screamed Washu,

SHERLOCK <Washu>: What you say?!

> gathering herself, she said "you don't try to cut his
> hat off incase you injure him."

ALAIR: Um... how likely would that be? Is the top of his head really unusually pointy, or something?
VIPER: Anyone else getting 'Spider: The Video Game' flashbacks?
[Silence.]
VIPER: Dang.

> "I was only trying to help you"
> replied Ryoko and with that she teleported to go and pick on Ayeka.
> "Good, she's gone" said Washu under her breath.

BRANDT: Washu, couldn't you at least try to be a better mother?
ONIKO <Washu>: Okay, guys, break out the tequila and nachos!
[ALL whoop and holler.]

>
> That afternoon after lunch Washu decided that she would give up
> trying to remove the hat and object from the stranger as she had been
> trying all morning.

ALAIR: Washu, admit it: You're obsessed.
VIPER <Washu as Tycho>: I'm the king of hats!

> It was when Washu gave up she noticed that he had
> an ear-ring in his left ear and the jewel in it was black

ALL: Shock.
SHERLOCK: I've seen more color in penguins.
ALAIR: Wait, so is it the left ear or the right ear that means you're gay?
ONIKO: I dunno, let's ask. Hey Brandt!
BRANDT: Well, I think it's -- wait, why are you asking me?
ONIKO <innocently>: No reason.

>and that he
> had a cross hanging around his neck and this was also made from the
> black jewel and

VIPER <singing>: She saw a line of cars and they're all painted black...

> it was engraved with 'G.F. warrior' in really small
> writing.

ONIKO <Thief>: I call it 'Sub-Sub Script'. You owe me fifteen cents just for reading that, by the way.
SHERLOCK: That's funny, I thought that the Garden Fungus warriors disbanded.
MAX: Oh, a Final Fantasy VIII crossover. Super.
[Actually yes. The stupidly long list of crossovers is in the next chapter]

> She also noticed that he needed a shave and that while he
> was recovering he still grew a beard but it wasn't growing very fast,
> which puzzled Washu,

ALAIR: Why? That's pefectly normal.

> but then again this is nothing new. Washu then
> decided to leave him in peace for today.

VIPER: Of course, tomorrow it was going to be tickle-tortures and loud music *all* *freaking* *day.*

>
> chapter 4: getting up!

THIEF: Doesn't look much different from here.

>
> When Washu went to check on him she was mildly surprised to find him
> floating in mid-air, then after a while it dawned on her that he was
> floating on his own!

MAX <sadly>: Washu's as dumb as a bag of rocks in this one, isn't she?
BRANDT <blankly>: Light as a feather, stiff as a board...
SHERLOCK <Venkman>: He sleeps above his covers. *Four feet* above his covers.
[You stole my song ref and my Ghostbusters line. Only because of Slugata am I allowing you to live- Lainer]

> Washu called Ryoko who was really shocked and
> this disbanded that it was Ryoko playing a trick!

MAX: You haven't ruled out the invisible gnomes yet though.
SHERLOCK: All the former members of That It Was Ryoko Playing A Trick went back to their former lives, except for Zack, who moved to Germany and had a botched sex change operation. With this, punk disco had died.
ONIKO: He could be sleeping on a glass table, you know.
MAX: Isn't that for walking on water?

> then as mysteriosly
> as he began to float he began to descend, feeling a lot of different
> emotions, Washu looked at Ryoko then went and had lunch.

ALAIR <Washu>: Wow, a brand new mystey to sol... Oh, forget it. I'm going to have an egg sandwich.
MAX: Surge of emotions, looks at Ryoko, has "lunch". I'm getting some conflicting messages here.
ONIKO: That's because you still have morals.
MAX: Oh, right, duh.
BRANDT <Marge>: First I was nervous, then anxious, then wary, then apprehensive, then... kind of sleepy, then worried, and then concerned.

> After lunch
> Tenchi came and had a look and he was more shocked that Washu was
> because the stranger was sitting up!,

THIEF: Now stay. Stay... Good stranger! Can you play dead? Oh yes you can, yes you can!
MAX: What's with all the drama? It's just some guy sitting up!
SHERLOCK: It's the *self-insertion author* sitting up. There's a difference.

> Tenchi shot out of the lab and
> ran straight into Washu,

THIEF: -Leaving a large hole in Washu quite similiar to a tank shell...
Max: Tenchi must be really on the caffeine.

> "h..h...he's u..up," gathering himself
> Tenchi said "he's", "up" replied Washu and ran in to the lab to
> find.....

BRANDT: A check for one billion dollars!
VIPER <The Green Herring>: ...woah. [he O_O's] I WANT THAT!
ONIKO <Twelve>: No. These are my billion dollars. 'Sides, I'm going to spend them all today anyway.
VIPER <TGH>: On what?
[Dramatic pause.]
ONIKO <Twelve>: ...breaking shit.

>
> chapter 5: surprise!

ALL: AHHH!
ONIKO: Stop doing that!
ALAIR: ... a paragraph. One lousy paragraph that so called chapter was.

>
> The stranger sitting up still alseep!

SHERLOCK: So that's five chapters consisting of our hero sleeping, then.
MAX: Yeah, but he's SITTING UP now!
VIPER: This fic brought to you by Andy Warhol.

>but sitting up anyway, then

ALAIR: --- he grabbed the remote, started flipping channels, belched, and scatched at his stomache. Still asleep!
BRANDT: Amazing.

> Washu poked him in the ribs to be sure that he was still asleep, and
> to her surprise she got a sleepy "fuck off!", a bit miffed she
> slapped him and got the same reaction and with that she decided to
> let him be and just observe him.

[ALL pull out plastic dishes with brains in them.]

>
> She sat there all day not moving and happened.

ALAIR: It can still be debated if she was an act of God or just a coincidence.

>Then at three in the
> morning she crawled in to a make-shift bed next to him so if anything
> happened she would know.

MAX: Not that there's any sort of alarm or camera she could set up in her lab, no sir...
VIPER: Well if there was, you'd have to hit space and 'n' together to go into crawl mode, get under the table and wait for it to move across to the other room to avoid the screen flashing red with gas.
ONIKO <game show host>: Naaaaaame That Reference!
BRANDT: Answers on a postcard please, to...

> When she a woke she got a shock the stranger
> was gone, when she sat up there was an even bigger surprise, the
> stranger moved her to where he was, where it was comfortable, and lay
> where she was, where it was not as comfortable.

VIPER: I'm confused.
ALAIR: What about?
VIPER: Well, first he switched places with her.
ALAIR: Right.
VIPER: And then he covered Washu in Lays potato chips.
ONIKO: Yes.
VIPER: And later went on to save the Floozlies from the evil Garbos.
SHERLOCK: Uh-huh.
VIPER: But... then what?
BRANDT: He went to Narnia and became a wonderful princess.
VIPER: Oh, okay. Now it makes sense.
[ALAIR screams and throttles VIPER.]

> She tried to poke him
> but stopped incase there was more responce than she was ready for.

MAX: Yeah, he could... I don't know, *explode* or something if you poke him the wrong way.
THIEF: Or he could explode if you poked him the *right* way.
MAX: What're you... ew.
VIPER <Chipmunk>: Oh no! You pressed the blow up the word rib!
BRANDT <deep-voiced>: Wait a minute, how could there be a blow up the world rib just-
[*BLAM*]
ALAIR <Washu>: Oh dear, he's floating again.
[Pause]
MAX: ... okay, that works, I guess.

Posted on Aug 8, 2003, 12:12 PM
from IP address 195.92.168.171

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See the laws of physics subject to mutilation, not to mention the Head Wound Foundation!

by Chimera, he's only got 95 or so riffs, damnit (no login)

[Personally I think we should shorten SHERLOCK to SHERL or similar, to try to make the names a somewhat similar length... -Chimera]

> The meeting of a new friend!

MAX: If I see Barney pop up here, I'm killing something.
[OR]
THIEF: [grins like a razored sickle, templing his fingers] A very special friend, named Death. Time to get aquainted...
ONIKO: Jesus, pace yourself, you've got to keep up that energy through the whole fic!

> by A. Richmond

ONIKO: Just your standard Richmond, indistinguishable from all the other Richmonds...

>
> It was a nice clear sunny day around the Masaki home, when there
> was suddenly an electric storm.

MAX: Because as we all know, electric storms are inclined to occur during clear sunny days. Damnit.
BRANDT <singing>: Lightning's striking agaiiin-
VIPER <singing>: -THUN-DAH-STRUCK! YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, THUN-DAH-STRUCK!

>From which a tall, well bulit man

BRANDT: A tall, well bulit man?
ALAIR: Its just a typo. Ignore it.
MAX: But a typo for what?
ONIKO: Bullet?
VIPER: Bobbit?
SHERLOCK: A tall, well bobbitized man?
[Pause.]
ALAIR: Nevermind.

> fell with a sickening crunch.

VIPER <Man>: ... I think I fell on my keys.
BRANDT <singing>: It's raining men! Hallejulah, it's raining men! Amen!
[ALL stare at BRANDT.]

>Soon a shadow fell upon him.

ONIKO: Great, Mr. Dark is stealing the Great Protoon, again.
SHERLOCK: It fell with more of a pleasantly smelling crunch.
VIPER: It's Zato-1!

> So the tale begins!

ALAIR: Now is the beginning of a fantastic story! Journey with us to the cave of monsters!
VIPER <Singing>: City dweller, sucessful feller, thought to himself, oops I've got a lot of money...

>
> chapter 1: hi there!

ONIKO: Hi! How've you been?
VIPER <Abe>: Follow me.
ONIKO: Okay.
[VIPER and ONIKO get out of their seats and tiptoe around the theater.]

>
> The first person to discover the stranger, was by Mihoshi,

ALAIR: So... the person who discovered the stranger was standing by Mihoshi then?
VIPER: He or she shall, for the duration of the fic, be referred to as Mel.
ONIKO: Probably a she... What guy would call himself MEL?!
[Everyone else stares at ONIKO, BRANDT quite angrily]
ONIKO: ...what?

> whose
> reaction was a scream when she tripped over him, oblivous the fact
> that he was lying in plain sight.

SHERLOCK: Mihoshi herself, not far away, was relatively unfazed.
MAX: Must've been following a butterfly.
THIEF: Well, now there's no question as to Mel's sex. I know which tools to bring.
ALIAR: [wide-eyed] Tools...?
ONIKO: Don't ask. Trust me.

> Tenchi came to see what the
> comotion was and was shocked to find Mihoshi sprawled on the floor

THIEF: -with a camera, a jar of lube, and a large bottle of sake stuck in her --
[MAX grabs THIEF's head with his clamp and throws him up into the air. THIEF lands several rows back.]
ONIKO: And in the Toonami version, it'd be "tea," but that's not the point right now.

> next to some guy lying in an awkward position that signaled bad
> injurys.

ALAIR <Washu>: I keep telling them that the robo-Mihoshi's soft skin is just a cover for the sharp, jagged metal parts under the surface.
SHERLOCK: The fact that he had his head up his arse was a dead giveaway.
BRANDT <Guy>: Mad Gears... coming... escape while... you can...
ONIKO: But were his injuries bad enough to save the President?

> "What the hell is going on, now?" came Ryoko's voice, before
> Tenchi had a second thought.

MAX: Of course, this being Tenchi that can take awhile.
ONIKO: In Tenchi's defense, how well would YOU think around all those hot chicks who all want to jump your bones?
MAX: ...good point.

> "My, my, who's this?" enquired Ryoko
> with some surprise, "and should he be lying like that?"

SHERLOCK: Of course he should. He worked for the Clintons.
[OR]
ALAIR <Tenchi>: Technically, the British are lying, if anyone. He's just repeating their intelligence without confirmation from the CIA.
VIPER: Should we be talking about that when we're trying to KEEP from killing ourselves?

>
> The stranger was wearing a plain black baseball cap pulled down so
> that his face didn't show above his jaw,

ALAIR: Clark Steel?
BRANDT: He's trying to hide his tiny eyes and large mouth so he can pass as 'one of them'.

> a baggy shirt with a double
> shoulder holster which contained two fully automatic 9 mm Uzis'.

ONIKO: Mary Sue alert.
BRANDT: Given that you can't fit Uzis into shoulder holsters? Yes.
SHERLOCK: <singing> He's an Uzi lover!
ALAIR: I seem to recall that private citizens owning full-auto weaponry is... oh, what's the word...
MAX: Illegal?
ALAIR: Yes, thank you.

> A
> pair of baggy black jeans on which hung a mobile phone,

VIPER: Gasp! He must be a drug dealer!

> strapped to
> his right leg is what looked like a shotgun but it had almost no
> stock or barrel,

VIPER: ...and a noticeable lack of lock and smoke, too.
MAX: Sawed-off's illegal too, I think.
ONIKO: Oh, pshaw. He's far too l33t to be arrested on minor stuff like illegal firearms.
BRANDT: Yeah, but he'll still regret it when Boulder comes to take it back.

> he was wearing a strange looking watch with lots of
> strange looking coloured balls on the strap

BRANDT: ...which he'd gotten from the inside of a cereal box along with his Buzz Lightyear secret decoder ring.

> and in his hands he had a
> small metalic object and a ninja sword with the kanji for 'elemental
> bakemono nihonto' ( elemental monster sword) etched on the hilt.

BRANDT: Is it an elemental sword made by monsters, a sword from elemental monsters, or a monster's sword from an elemental?
VIPER <Karsh>: Yes.
MAX: Maybe a bit from part A, a bit from part B, and a dollop of part C?
ONIKO: I'm thinkin' it should've been "uguna yanki nihontou." [He grins.] Not that I'm one to talk, though...
BRANDT <helpfully>: You mean "kouseitan'i kaijuu nihontou"?
MAX: NEVER! CORRECT! SHINJI! ASSHOLE! [smacks BRANDT]
ONIKO: The hell?

[It should be something like, "kouseitan'i kaijuu nihontou"... I think. He's saying "stupid white-boy/Yankee sword," for the record.]

> At
> his waist hung two beautfully crafted knives with hanldes decorated
> with snakes which were in the scabbards for them which were decorated
> with black widow spiders,

ALAIR: Actually, that's not a decoration.
VIPER <Adam>: Get them off! Get them off!

> and on the back of his jeans hung a combat
> knife and to complement his outfit he wore a black pair of boots
> which where tall enough to hide a throwing knife in each.

MAX: He's every other ShadowRun Street Samurai ever created.
[the only?]
SHERLOCK: Unwelcoming apparel and loaded to the teeth with weapons. Sounds like another beautful day on the streets of LA.
BRANDT: Really guys, I'm from LA, and it's not-
VIPER: HE'S FROM LOS ANGELOS!?
[ALL hide behind the seats.]
BRANDT: Not this again...

>
> Ryoko stood there, and decided to state the obvious "he certinly
> likes black doesn't he?",

BRANDT: -and he'll never go back.
VIPER: And if you'd open up his chest you'd find a black heart.
MAX: And that red door he's got with him, that's black too.
[OR, rewording Max's line...]
MAX: And that red door with him he wants painted black, too.

> everybody just ignored this comment which
> annoyed Ryoko.

ALAIR: And the Circle of Life is completed again, or something.
ONIKO <Ryoko>: Well if nobody's going to pay attention to me I'll just go and [starts taking off his shirt] strip naked and drink "tea".
[NONE pay attention to him.]
ONIKO: I SAID I'LL STRIP NAKED! AND DRINK "TEA"!
[ALL continue to blandly watch the screen as he takes off his pants.]
ONIKO: NAKED! VERY VERY NAKED! [pause] LOOK AT MEEEE!
LANCE: [poking ONIKO with a cattleprod] Sit back down, you freak.
[ONIKO sits and crosses his arms over his naked chest with a harrumpf.]

> "Well hadn't we better try to see who this guy is and
> tend to his injurys?"came Washu's voice, scaring everyone half to
> death.

ALAIR <Ryoko>: Heal him? Have you finally gone insane?
MAX <Washu>: Huh? Wha....why wouldn't we...?
ONIKO <Tenchi>: Look at all that stuff! Can you imagine how much that's worth to a pawn shop? I'm honestly shocked that didn't occur to you.
[Pause. MAX taps his forehead a couple of times.]
MAX <Washu>: Oooh. Right. Right.

>
> chapter 2:


ALAIR: You mean page 2, right?

> who are you?

ALAIR: I'm Alair, the atypical psychic corporate agent with a mysterious past.
VIPER: I'm Viper, the atypical cute mascot thing.
SHERLOCK: I'm Batman.
BRANDT: I'm Brandt, the atypical anime/video game fanboy.
ONIKO: I'm Oniko, the atypical anime/video game fanboy.
MAX: I'm Max, the atypical anime/video... er...
[OR, after Sherlock's]
BRANDT: I am the Terror that Flaps in the Night. I am the... [notices ONIKO glaring at him] ...guy with the foot in his mouth. Sorry.

>
> It was a full two days' to even get him to lie straight

BRANDT <guy>: I am a crook.
SHERLOCK: No, no, no...

> without
> adding even more injurys, by now the only people who hadn't seen the
> stanger was Minagai, Kiyone and Sasami.

VIPER: But Mulder was there, frantically trying to get people to notice him before the next murders occurred. Too bad he was strapped to the bed at the time.
MAX: Well, that must've been a REALLY bad landing.

> Even Ayeka had quick look at
> the stranger was.

BRANDT: The stranger was what now?
MAX: And what's so 'even Ayeka' about that? She's a pushy snoop.

> Washu had noticed that his body seemed to be
> healing at an extremely rapid rate while he slept, almost like in the
> vampire tales like Dracula.

BRANDT: I remember that part!
[VIPER jumps up from his seat and lies down on the floor with his arms crossed over his chest and eyes closed in front of the screen. ONIKO approaches with trepidition.]
ONIKO <Jonathon Harker>: His body seems to be healing at an extremely rapid rate as he sleeps!
VIPER <Dracula>: [Opens his eyes] Cool, ain't it? Oh! Hey, check this out!
[VIPER turns into a bat with an overdramatic puff of brimstone]
ONIKO <Jonathon Harker>: Ye gods man!
[They return to their seats, VIPER turning back to normal above his.]
VIPER: ... and I'm sticking to my seat now.
[OR]
MAX <Gabe>: I'm okay... my mutant healing power is kicking in.
SHERLOCK <Tycho>: You don't have a mutant healing power.
MAX <Gabe>: Well... shit.

>
> At lunch Tenchi asked how the stranger was doing, washu's answer was:

THIEF <Washu>: Stranger? What stranger? Say, this is a nice stew, huh?
[OR]
THIEF <Washu>: Oh, the stranger's fine. Well marbled with a rather piquant aftertaste. I mean, he's GOOD. Isn't he...? [leers]
VIPER: Great line from the show!
THIEF <confused>: What show?

> "he seems to be human but he heals at a rapid rate,

BRANDT: They give Mutant Healing Factors out in cereal boxes these days.

> I estimate that
> he will be awake with in three days at the least. I don't seem to be
> able to pry that hat out off of his head,

THIEF <Washu>: Thank God I just happened to have this bonesaw on me. Pity about the apolstery though...

> it's almost as if it's
> being held by some invisible force,"

VIPER: That or super glue, Washu. Which do you think?
ONIKO: He must get his hats at the same place as Raiden.
ALAIR: It's the Terry Bogard Effect. If you really want it off, try getting him to say, "okay!"

> thats when Ryoko replied "Its
> just that your a wimp! I'm surpised that you can sit up in bed on
> your own, squirt".

ALAIR: It's not her fault! She just needs to beat Hercules so she can get the Yellow Trinity first!

>"now, now, girls theres no need to be so mean at
> this time or anytime for that matter!

BRANDT <Tenchi>: However, if you cast 'Haste', the layers of time will allow you to be mean as much as you want.

> so just get along" said
> Tenchi, amazed at himself for making his little speech

MAX: The same speech he makes *every single day.*
VIPER: Twice on Sundays.
ONIKO: Yeah, they'd sure like to *get along* with Tenchi...

> decided to sit
> there quietly for the rest of the morning.

ONIKO <Tenchi, muttering angrily>: Why did I have to give the speach so early? Man, that's my best move! How will I get through lunch?

> After lunch Washu noticed
> that the stranger had moved almost as if he was sleeping,

VIPER <Washu>: Dear Christ, he rolled over! WHAT ABOMINATION OF MAN IS THIS!?
ALAIR: ... gasp?

> she was
> pleased that she had manged to remove his weapons

BRANDT: Whoa, she can undo straps and open buckles? I guess that's just the sort of thing that the finest scientific mind in the greater galaxy is capable of, and we lesser peons can only aspire to bask in her glory.
SHERLOCK: The sarcasm generator's overloaded captain! She can't take n'more!

> apart from the
> scabard for the sword and that damn object in his hand!, she was
> dying to find out what it did!

THIEF: Lady, it's nothing special. You've probably got one just like it shoved under your bed.
MAX: ...and why does *she* care, anyway? It's not as if anything's shown any sort of strange phenomena. Aside from the whole "appearing out of nowhere" thing, anyway.
SHERLOCK: I'm just curious as to why every bizzare event in Japan is centered around Tenchi's house.
ONIKO: Or in Nermia.
MAX: Or in Juuban.

>
> chapter 3:

ALAIR: PAGE Three. If even that.

> Its' gonna be a long day

ALAIR: [Brightens] Not for us! If all the chapters are this short, we'll be out of here in-
LANCE <over intercom>: There are five fics with a total of eighty-two chapters.
ALAIR: -about a week.

[Got to make that longer than a 'week'...]

>
> It was the very next day that Washu decided to see she could pry the
> hat off his head and that object from his hand, just to see what it
> did!, she told herself "it's all in the aid of science!",

ONIKO: Science!
[VIPER plays a quick 80's synth riff on a portable keyboard.]
ONIKO: <singing> It's poetry in motion! And now she's aking love to me!
MAX: Okay, so she tried getting his hat off-
[THIEF chuckles.]
MAX: ...but couldn't, and she's going to try now. Is it just me, or did continuity just go out the window?

['Aking' love to me? -Chimera]

> "bullshit"
> replied her mind.

MAX: As did the readers.
ONIKO: Bullshit.
SHERLOCK: Bullshit.
VIPER: Pachinko.
[ALL glare at VIPER]
ALAIR <Washu's mind>: "Mom, she's picking on me!" "I wonder if I left the washing machine running" "Does anyone here like cheese?" "Voices!"
[ALL slowly turn to stare at ALAIR]
ALAIR: What?
ONIKO: You wouldn't happen to have a psychotic alter-ego, would you?
ALAIR: ... not that I know of?
ONIKO: Good.
BRANDT: Oh, come on, Oniko, that sort of thing only happens in the movies.
[Long, awkward silence.]

> When she got down to her lab she got a surprise,
> the subject was gone!

THIEF <Washu>: And the horde of Cabbits didn't seem to be hungry for their morning feeding! Why, this mystery is more perplexing than the quandry of how to remove a hat!

> After a bit of searching she discovered that he
> had fallen off the table and was lying face down on the floor,

ONIKO: Does that really take "a bit of searching" to notice?
ALAIR: He has been protected from the Terrible Secret of Space. [She nods sagely]

> when
> she tried to lift him she found he was rather light and that she
> could carry him anywhere without any effort then finally she went and

VIPER: ...threw him into the fairy fountain to get more arrows!
MAX: I always thought that was a weird thing to wish for.
BRANDT: Yeah, he could've wished for world peace. Or at the very least for the live-action Sailor Moon to be good.
MAX: ...something like that, yeah. But more bombs? What was he on?
ONIKO: The Magic Powder. Duh.

> got some breakfast, when she returned she found Ryoko trying to
> remove the hat!, "so you wanted to try it too?" said Washu,
> surprising Ryoko.

BRANDT <Ryoko>: Haven't you heard? He who removes this hat becomes right king of all Britons.

> Ryoko's reply was spat out at Washu, "I thought
> that since you were trying to get the hat off, I would come and help.
> But it seems stuck and I can't cut it at all.",

VIPER: Admantium hats. Spiffy.
MAX: Could be Gundanium.
VIPER: What's the difference?
MAX: Well, one is...
[Long pause.]
MAX: I have no freakin' clue.
[OR, from the pause]
BRANDT: [eyeroll] One of them is painted the American colors. The other is-
MAX: Uh, several of the Gundams were red, white, and blue.
BRANDT: What're you talking about? The American colors are puce and burnt umber.
MAX: What? What're you talking about! [his eyes widen] You're from a dystopic future, aren't you!? Is the statue of liberty okay!?
BRANDT: Oh, sure! They've been keeping the verdigris off the stumps and everything-
MAX: [clutching his head] Nooooo! You bastards, you blew it up! [pauses, trying to catch his breath] At least tell me, is the anime okay?
BRANDT <puzzled>: Annie-may? What is this... annie-may?
MAX: [clutching his head harder] DEAR SWEET GOD NOOOOOOOOOO-
ALAIR: That was mean!
BRANDT: I was kidding! You know I was kidding, right Max?
MAX: -OOOOOOOOOOOOO-
BRANDT: Oh, er... maybe not.
MAX: -OOOOOOOOOOOOO-

> "YOU DID WHAT!" screamed Washu,

SHERLOCK <Washu>: What you say?!
MAX: -OOOOOOOOOOOOO-

> gathering herself, she said "you don't try to cut his
> hat off incase you injure him."

ALAIR: Um... how likely would that be? Is the top of his head really unusually pointy, or something?
VIPER: Anyone else getting 'Spider: The Video Game' flashbacks?
[Silence.]
VIPER: Dang.
MAX: -OOOOOOOOOOOOO-

> "I was only trying to help you"
> replied Ryoko

ALAIR: Well, shit, there goes any possibility of being in character.
MAX: -OOOOOOOOOOOOO-
ONIKO: For the love of MMK! Somebody shut him up!
VIPER: Well, maybe he's okay.
SHERLOCK: He hasn't even inhaled yet.
MAX: -OOOOOOOOOOOOO-
THIEF: Well, we CO