Fear and MiSTing in Quasispace

Hi, and welcome to Fear and MiSTing in Quasispace, the discussion board for Quasispace Portal Theater 3000. Please note the following rules concerning posting:

1. Anyone is permitted to shadow-MiST, as long as you're courteous and introduce yourself (preferably on Transmissions From Quasispace) before you begin actually contributing to this madness.

2. This board handles MiSTing in the following manner:

3. The current admins of this board are eonsinger and t.ogre. Not Wanderer, not the Black Snotling, not your aunt Flora. Don't go crying to them if you have any problems regarding this board. (In the same vein, this board and the other Ballad are separate entities, so keep that in mind, and try not to get us mixed up.)

4. When selecting an avatar, keep in mind that this is a crew of lovable self-inserted screwups, so no twinks or established characters. In fact, a plain old human would be a good idea. Fancy that! ^_^

[ Episode 104 is posted. Episode 105 is in editing. Episode 106 will hopefully start in January. ]

[ADMIN] THESE BOARDS ARE NOW LOCKED.

by (Login mot-b-team)
Forum Owner

Please go to the new boards at http://www.quasispace.org.

Thank you.

t.ogre
qwfh

Posted on Mar 26, 2004, 10:28 PM
from IP address 66.25.131.77

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Tagline thread, yo. Everybody line up with your sweet taglines ready for inspection. (nt)

by Chimera, Sacred Lord of the Tagline (no login)

Who's goin' tagline thread huntin'? We's goin' tagline thread huntin'!

...sorry.

Posted on Mar 9, 2004, 10:28 PM
from IP address 172.173.229.90

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Soooo not a furry -- honest: Dragomorph [nt]

by Dragomorph (no login)

Really.

Posted on Mar 10, 2004, 3:30 PM
from IP address 66.165.22.121

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Back in the U.S.S.A. -- O. Hakubi (nt)

by O. Hakubi (no login)

Note: First initial, last name.

Posted on Mar 10, 2004, 4:09 PM
from IP address 24.195.121.126

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He's the Undefeated of the West! [nt]

by The General appears (no login)



Posted on Mar 10, 2004, 4:50 PM
from IP address 141.152.46.51

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Coffin Line-Dancing - Demonicuss Krinn (nt)

by Demon K. (no login)

What can I say, I'm a Lincoln Rhyme fan.

Posted on Mar 10, 2004, 5:19 PM
from IP address 64.61.217.215

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Nameless Everpresent Girlfriend:

by Idiotbox (no login)

Mind you, that may not be appropriate, given how I've never actually written for FAJ. Should I stick with it?

Posted on Mar 10, 2004, 6:22 PM
from IP address 213.249.179.58

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She uses weird things -- Alair (nt)

by Alair (no login)

They are useful, after all.

Posted on Mar 10, 2004, 10:47 PM
from IP address 172.155.164.169

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...okay, after much deliberation...

by O. Hakubi (no login)

...I would like to change my tagline to "Aroused and intrigued by Alair's tagline."

Thankyouthatisall.

Posted on Mar 16, 2004, 5:28 PM
from IP address 24.195.121.126

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Surprisingly not David Cassidy II -

by (no login)



Posted on Mar 10, 2004, 10:47 PM
from IP address 216.175.99.252

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"I deorderize with a chunk of salt.":

by (no login)



Posted on Mar 11, 2004, 12:48 AM
from IP address 129.22.38.154

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<insert generic tagline here> -- [nt]

by t.ogre (no login)



Posted on Mar 11, 2004, 7:57 AM
from IP address 66.25.131.77

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Gauranteed, got more on his mind than you -

by (no login)

Blam.

Posted on Mar 15, 2004, 7:44 PM
from IP address 64.178.96.5

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He's got a social disease! - Viper the Hedgehog [nt]

by Schwere Viper (no login)

o/~ He is sick, he is sick, he is sick, sick, sick...o/~

Posted on Mar 15, 2004, 11:01 PM
from IP address 203.153.233.208

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What episode is this for again? Cause I forgot if I contributed or not. ^^; (nt)

by Mark Poa (no login)

Say what?

Posted on Mar 17, 2004, 10:32 PM
from IP address 210.14.31.18

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One-oh-fahve. [nt]

by (Login SchwereViper)

PC's still broken.

Posted on Mar 18, 2004, 10:41 PM
from IP address 203.153.233.209

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In that case: "Goes down great with milk, Mark Poa"

by Mark Poa (no login)

no text

Posted on Mar 24, 2004, 7:19 PM
from IP address 210.14.31.18

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Taking a running leap at a rolling donut on a gravel driveway - Chimera (nt)

by Chimera (no login)

Or something, anyways.

Posted on Mar 25, 2004, 3:48 PM
from IP address 172.146.74.113

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Status of editing/sketches and stuff.

by Cosmos (no login)

Okay, just so everyone knows, I expect to finish going through all of ep 105 (in the big honking compile) by the end of this week. I'm ready to start plugging sketches into it, so if anyone who's already written one has last minute tweaks to make, now would be a good time.

People can help me out by doing the following things:

-find the sketch done by Penfold and Lainer. (Yes, I am that lazy, and I don't wanna go looking for it.)
-Go through the chapters and make me a list of everyone who contributed to the riffing this episode, once that's done, we can post it here and people can start thinking of their taglines. (And remember, if you don't think one up for yourself, I *will* make one up for you).
-Nominate stingers, only one has jumped out at me, and it's a little long.
-Did someone do the copyright notices for this episode? Because, as previously stated, I am *not* doing them this time. The editing is more than enough to make my head explode.

I also have a few last questions about the setting. I know we were thinking about doing the soap opera thing, but so far, there hasn't been much done on that angle. If we're still doing it, I'll try to work it in on my sketch, but at this point, I'd just say save it for a later fic (maybe one that overdoes the angst and melodrama). Second, is Nnirk supposed to show up as a sidekick or not?

That's about it. Knock on wood, I should be able to wrap this up shortly.

Cosmos

Posted on Mar 9, 2004, 6:23 PM
from IP address 68.165.46.123

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Links and notes and Nnirks and tasty freshly squeezed vitreous humour.

by Chimera, helper of the holy status-bearer (no login)

This is the thread for Lainer/Penfold's sketch. Note that some revisions were suggested, but I don't think Penfold or Lainer have acted upon them yet.

http://www.network54.com/Hide/Forum/message?forumid=162270&messageid=1072131520

And yeah, you're pretty damn lazy, this is on the same SCREEN as your post. [smirk]

Anyways, that one, Oniko's, and my sketches ALL need more proofreading (well, mine less so, now that you've gone over it).

As far as your sketch with Nnirk goes, throw him in if you want. Or don't. Lance and Shade don't seem too adverse and we do need to at least keep him local and available for the ongoing Krinn thing.

And as to the lack of soap opera-ing, I've brought this up previously (in that very thread I linked to above, in fact). I've additionally already encorporated that into my outline for the finale. Heh. Consider this our 'Out of Character' episode, more than anything else. So feel free to do what you want, we'll pack the soap opera on hard when the Good Krinn comes by, maybe? Or maybe in the third ep of the Krinn story arc, when Good Krinn and Nnirk combine?

As for my tagline, I'm still thinkin'. I'll set up a seperate tagline thing, just to make things easier on people.

Posted on Mar 9, 2004, 10:23 PM
from IP address 172.173.229.90

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RE: My skitbreak/funny, lack of

by Lainer (no login)

I'm thinking about completely rewriting the skit based around Penfold's commercials. I had an idea a few weeks ago, and it seems even more appropriate now that there's a corporation involved. You all know how much deadlines mean to me, but I'll try to have it mostly done by Thursday.

Also, I'll handle the copyrights to make up for skipping out on the editing this time around.

Keep Left-->

Posted on Mar 10, 2004, 1:38 AM
from IP address 216.175.99.252

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Okay.

by Cosmos (no login)

Is Nnirk still doing the Cobra Commander impression?

Cosmos
And when I say I'm being lazy, I damn well mean it.

Posted on Mar 10, 2004, 4:01 PM
from IP address 68.165.44.140

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My thoughts...

by Nnirk S. (no login)

Concerning Nnirk and Ep 106...

My thoughts was that Nnirk could pop up and act as an assisstant Mad to Lance and DHP, giving his main reason for aiding is to "hurt Thief". About his "Cobra Commander" impression, I figured that he'd passed the majority of the yslmarri DNA already (making him look more like a minor yun-ti than full-bore snakeman) and give him the nifty ability to temporary nullity Thief's psychic abilities.

I could give more info and thoughts upon request.

Posted on Mar 10, 2004, 5:13 PM
from IP address 64.61.217.215

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That's pretty much what I was thinkin', really.

by Chimera (no login)

Fact I was wondering if Nnirk could deliberately 'hold onto' the lizard DNA (which anybody with a brain would obviously want to do, given the array of powerful people in QS), or if his body would instinctively process the foriegn matter out as he regenerates.

Posted on Mar 10, 2004, 7:45 PM
from IP address 172.162.32.225

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Nnirk's Anatomy

by Demon/Nnirk (no login)

As much as Nnirk would love to hold on to the ysmarri DNA, any foreign material would be removed as he heals. He'll only have enough remaining to last through ep 106, then it'll be gone.

DHP (knocking on bathroom door): Hurry up in there man! My back teeth are floating!
NNIRK (from inside): Hold your bladder, I have rogue genetic material to pass.
*Insert Funny Remark Here*

Posted on Mar 10, 2004, 10:26 PM
from IP address 64.61.218.118

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Well, you could start with what a minor yun-ti looks like.

by Cosmos (no login)

I must be slacking on my geekdom.

Cosmos

Posted on Mar 11, 2004, 5:47 PM
from IP address 68.165.46.124

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Must be; it's only D&D 3e.

by Lainer (no login)

Imagine Cobra Commander right after getting zapped with the animografy beam by the alien invaders. Or King Hiss without the tentacles.

On second thought, knowing that would probably make you nerdier than knowing the D&D Monster Manual.

Posted on Mar 11, 2004, 8:22 PM
from IP address 216.175.99.252

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Wasssss once...a man...

by Demon K. (no login)

Lainer pretty much hit on the head with his description. Nnirk (as he does now) looks pretty much normal, with a few reptile-like features (such as small patches of scales, snake-like eyes [Not to be confused with Snake-Eyes], the habit of hissing, etc.

Posted on Mar 11, 2004, 10:02 PM
from IP address 64.61.217.138

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Copyrights + free gift

by Lainer (no login)

Tenchi Muyo!, No Need for Tenchi, Samurai Space Opera, Magical Girl Pretty Sammy, Daughter of Darkness, and every related character are property of AIC/Pioneer. The Guyver and related characters are property of Yoshiki Takaya. Street Fighter Alpha, Dan, Akuma, Chun Li, Zangief, Morrigan, Lilith, and Demitri are propery of CAPCOM. Duke Nukem is surprisingly still property of 3D Realms. Lara Croft is property of Eidos plc. Jedi Knight: Dark Forces 2 is property of Lucasfilm Ltd. and Lucasarts EC LLC. The Playstation is property of Sony Computer Entertainment. Woolworths is property of Woolworths (is property of Woolworths is property of-). X-Men, Wolverine, Rouge, and Spiderman are property of Marvel Enterprises, Inc. Castlevania, Alucard, and the Belmont bloodline are property of Konami Digital Entertainment. Pokemon, Pikachu, Mewtwo, and all related characters are property of Nintendo Co., Ltd. Bram Stokers Dracula is property of Columbia/Tristar and, um, Bram Stoker. Samurai Pizza Cats and all related characters are property of Tatsunoko Production Co. and Saban International. Fist of the North Star is property of Neo Motion Pictures and Tetsuo Hara. Ah! My Goddess! and all related characters are property of AIC studios.

I need a drink.

Also:

HAY GUYS! I FOUND THE SECRET!

http://www.tmffa.com/old/m/mst-causality05.txt

Posted on Mar 10, 2004, 4:44 AM
from IP address 216.175.99.252

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Huh. So someone already MiSTed TOA?

by Cosmos (no login)

I'm not sure that's a good thing. Isn't there some convention about not doing a fic someone else has already done?

Cosmos

Posted on Mar 10, 2004, 4:00 PM
from IP address 68.165.44.140

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That comment better not be suggesting what I think its suggesting. [nt]

by Idiotbox (no login)

.

Posted on Mar 10, 2004, 6:18 PM
from IP address 213.249.179.58

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Calm yourself.

by Cosmos (no login)

I was actually more along the lines of wondering if we needed to contact the first group as a courtesy or something. I would be damn pissed off to have to scrap an episode.

Cosmos

Posted on Mar 11, 2004, 5:50 PM
from IP address 68.165.46.124

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Hasn't really stopped people in the past.

by Dragomorph (no login)

Hell, one of the fics I MiSTed was already MiSTed elsewhere. If nothing else, it provides different perspectives on something.

Dragomorph
"And if he gave permission, what the hey?"

Posted on Mar 10, 2004, 7:57 PM
from IP address 66.165.22.121

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Good points. (nt)

by Cosmos (no login)

Wheeeee!

Posted on Mar 11, 2004, 5:51 PM
from IP address 68.165.46.124

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Finished my last check.

by Cosmos (no login)

Or at least as much as my tired eyes will allow. Now waiting for sketches (namly mine) and the word from the nitpickers (ready?).

Cosmos

Posted on Mar 14, 2004, 11:47 PM
from IP address 68.165.40.144

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The intro to ep105. Finally. But on the plus side, uh, there's a lot of it.

by Chimera (no login)

(A, Shade, I did pretty much everything in your outline, except the thing about Lance 'trapping' Brandt to get t.ogre's compliance. It's already long enough, and besides, it'd make more sense for him to do it when t.ogre and Brandt are in the theater together. B, uh, it's long. Hopefully not TOO long. C, hopefully Lance is written well. I was a tad worried about that, since I'm doing so much with him here.)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Another day in oblivion.

Slowly his eyes crept open, staring up at an infinite expanse of shimmering randomness. It was like melting watercolors, dancing on all sides. The formless effluvia of uncountable alternate realities.

It really looses its charm after you're there for almost a week, it really, really does. Also it tends to have very odd effects on the functionality of the brain.

But on the plus side, he wasn't there alone.

"You certainly are not!" Said the shape which loomed up into his vision on the left side.

"Why, good morning Mister Shirt," Lance said cheerfully.

"Top o' the mornin' to you too, Lance m'boy!" Mister Shirt said in his thick Irish accent that often wandered into a Scottish accent. "You're looking well today. Not insane at all!"

"Nope! Perfectly sane."

"Perfectly!"

"Running on an even keel."

"As sound as cottage cheese lying on the sandwalk in August."

"Abso-yessie-posi-lutely!"

"Wait, which one of us is which, again? I lost track."

This happened far more often than it probably should.

"That last one was you, Lance." Pantsie said as he loomed in from the right, his zipper-lined mouth working as he spoke. "You can tell, because, you know. No accent. Also, there's the lack of buttons. And I don't think you're a 50/50 Cotton/Nylon blend. At least, not yet."

"You're right! I'm no more than 25% cotton, if I remember my biology correctly. And the only button I have, I got after that drinking contest, and- well, nevermind that. What is it we were planning to do today?"

"What do we always do, Pantsie?" Mister Shirt said, his buttons forming a grin.

Pantsie danced about. "Try to take over the worl-"

Mister Shirt and Lance took turns bitchslapping him.

"Sorry, I lost my head. Hm... I say we look at the clouds of nothingness and see what beautiful shapes we can make out."

This was, in fact, what he did every day. Every damn day. Every goddamn, stinking, worthless day. Partly because not long ago he'd lost the energy to stand, and was reduced to lying on his back. This didn't do much to reduce the view, it was the same in the other directions, too... so he didn't mind it any.

It was Lance's turn to start. "Well, let's see, that up there? That looks like t.ogre being bent over by a hydraulic press until his spine caves, forcing his face into his own sphincter, and as he dies, he can feel his ass-muscles twitching and clenching feebly around his own nose from the agony."

"Hey yeah, I can see that, laddie! That little thing off to the side being the bloodspurt, right?"

"Right in one, Mister Shirt," Lance said with a friendly smile. "And that, that there, that's Brandt being thrown into a men's maximum security prison due to some bureaucratic error, where he comes to understand the meaning of suffering at the hands of dozens if not hundreds of large, lonely prisoners, none of whom have so much as a liquid ounce of lube, not one of which wants to just cuddle, until the very sight of his body makes the guards puke and blood oozes from every orifice, and-"

"Not that we have anything against gay people," Pantsie hurriedly put in.

"Oh, no! Not at all," Lance agreed.

"Except that little asshole Brandt," Pantsie added. Pantsie was a good egg. Helped remind him of his hatreds. And God knows, there's not much else that'll keep you alive for almost a week despite a lack of food or water. Except maybe a long marathon of Babylon 5.

"Now, what about THAT cloud?" Mister Shirt querried.

"THAT one is a large dark menacing Latino man in evil-looking armor carved with cabalistic symbols and adorned with handcrafted fetishes undoubtedly gleaned from the butchered remains of the many foes he has felled in battle."

"Hola, Lance," the man said.

"Oooh, and this cloud TALKS!" Pantsie called cheerfully.

The man drew a sizable handgun, pointing it at Pantsie.

"It talks AND it has a gun! That's so cool!" Pantsie crowed. Then Pantsie added, "Ouch!" as he was blasted into a shredded cloud of fabric. Lance blinked down at his now-bared arm where it still hung in midair, fingers still cupped as if using the pants-puppet's zipper for a mouth.

"You son of a bitch! Get him, Mister Shirt!" Lance snapped, and hurled his shirt at the man.

Mister Shirt grabbed ahold of the intruder in their little rainbow world, violently wrestling back and forth with him, trying to get his sleeves up and around the man's murderous neck. All the while he shouted, "Suck my shilegleah, ye bloody gaffertoad!" And then something about, "Ye gonna ready yerself to be kissin' me blarney stones now, laddie!?" And then finally, as he reared up, about to triumphantly break his foe's neck, he screamed out, "ERIN GO BRALESS, MOTHERFUCKA-"

Except that it was about then that the man annoyedly tore Mister Shirt in half.

"AAAAGHH! YOU MURDEROUS BASTARD! HE'S GOT TWO LITTLE VESTS AND AN UNDERSHIRT AT HOME WHO DEPEND ON HIM!" Lance roared.

Mister Undies made as if to enter the fray, but the man pointed his gun at Lance's crotch, snapping, "Your Fruit of the Looms better stand down, boy!" Then transferred his aim to Lance's face.

Mister Undies decided that discretion was the better part of valor. He always HAD been a bit of a coward. Lance, however, was still pissed... waving his arms. "Yeah, big man, threatening a guy wasted away by hunger and thirst. Just come into reach! I'll teach you not to kill helpless pants in the prime of their lives-"

The man interrupted, saying sharply, "Shut up! I'm here to get you OUT of here!"

That stopped him short. After a moment, Lance asked slowly, "...You are? Just who ARE you?"

"My name is Willias Muerte IV... they call me the Great Death."

"Well Bob, let's get the fuck out of here."

Muerte gave Lance a hard look, before activating his hands-free mic and murmuring, "Going to need a planar bridge for two." He paused, as Lance waved Mister Undies wildly. Muerte sighed and added, "Make that three."

To Lance, he snapped, "Now put those back on!" Another pause, before he said into the radio, "No, no! Not you, sir! Not at all. Him." Muerte sighed, and said defeatedly, "Yes, sir."

Turning the radio off, Muerte scowled at Lance. "Are you happy now? I have to shoot myself as punishment for snapping at the boss." With that, he put his gun to his head, and blew everything from his neck up into a fine pink mist. His headless body stayed balanced and upright a moment more, before slumping to the side.

Lance blinked for a moment at the corpse, before grinning broadly, and saying, "Yes, I am. Thank you." Then a great wrenching force took hold of him and he blacked out.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Nnnnng..." Lance groaned out.

"It's the return of gravity that did it for you, Lance m'boy. Couldn't be avoided. But you'll be fine, now." A deep, cultured voice murmured.

"Nnnnng...?" Lance queried.

"Yes, really. You've had a dunk in our Saiyan Rejuvenation Chamber. We've got nutrients and such being pumped into you as we speak, and there's aromatherapy candles; Margerie, my acupuncturist, has all of your chi points properly stimulated; Terrance has given you a deeply clensing high colonic; Bobby's given that matted fur of yours a restorative shampooing and styling; Hadji has flensed your chakras with his ritual knives; and Akiko, my personal masseuse, is now giving you an extremely, extremely thorough massage with my favorite hand-mixed brand of warming cinnamon oils."

"Mmmmmm..." Lance groaned again, this time for entirely different reasons.

"She does have quite a nice touch, doesn't she?"

"Ooooohhh." Lance nodded in agreement. This was helping his mood, a lot.

"Okay, now that you're feeling better, I have a few words to say to you."

"Hnnnnn...?" Lance asked drowsily.

"t.ogre. Brandt Delacroix. Puns."

Lance shot up to a seated position instantly, jangling the IV bags hooked into his veins and the hundreds of slender steel needles sticking out of his skin, cinnamon massage oil dripping off his fur. His voice was a rumbling growl. "What?"

Though he was instantly aware, his eyes were more reluctant to work, after untold time staring into a shimmering rainbow hell. Where the other speaker stood, Lance could only make out a tall, slender shadow. At head level, he could make out a pair of reflections of himself... mirrored sunglasses, he realized after a moment. The man said, mildly, "I have an offer for you. If you come to work for me, help in my experiments, then you'll get those two. In chains, humiliated, heads on a platter, however you like. And I'll see to it that you're paid for your time, a mercenary of your caliber should hardly leave her penniless, correct?" There was a slight pause, before he added cheerfully, "If you don't agree, I toss you back into the void and shut the door forever. What do you say?"

For a short moment, Lance blinked at the other man, before asking, simply, "Well fuck, what do you think I'm going to say?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not too long later, the the shadowy man and Lance were both riding through the corridors of the huge base Lance had woken in. As to where the base was, or its purpose, Lance could not even guess. Often they would pass by unbreakable one-way windows looking into isolated labs, and in each a different and odd activity was taking place. It wasn't easy to glimpse their contents, at the pace that the exquisitely endowed centaurs they were riding. The shadowy man had the female and availed himself of the useful handholds, Lance found himself clinging as best he could to the male without getting too grossed out. At least Lance himself wasn't naked for the ride... he'd been supplied with replacements for Mister Shirt and Pantsie, may their souls rest in peace.

"Uh, so... what about these things we're riding, here?" Lance finally had to ask.

"Oh, these? The last two centaurs in existance," his new patron said casually.

"The last?"

"Oh yes. I had all of the others annihilated. That makes this mated pair that much more valuable."

"...right," Lance found himself muttering, directing his attention to the lab they were passing. Inside, it was filled with water, and half a dozen dolphins therein swam about. They seemed to be encapsulated in streamlined body armor, with strapped-on torpedo launchers and laser guns, and were at the moment murdering largely helpless elderly swimmers.

Lance started to ask, but the shadowy man seemed to have detected the direction of Lance's gaze and smirked, saying, "Hey, a species can only tolerate being petted and squeaked at by pink bipedal freaks for so long. I'm just helping them get revenge."

"For a small fee." Lance said astutely.

"For certain services, actually," He said brightly. "You'd be astonished how much money can be made when I'm the biggest supplier of cute dolphins to the beastiality community. Care for one yourself? You look like you could still stand to unwind."

"Uh, put me down for 'none'. In fact, less than none, if that's at all possible."

"Oh, sure it's possible." He flipped open his cellphone and murmured into it, "Willias, have several dolphins killed for Lance, would you?"

A deep male voice answered promptly, "Will do, Mister R!" In the background there was the sound of a chainsaw and pained squeaks.

When Lance gave the man a horrified look, he seemed to misinterpret. "Oh, don't worry, I can feed the carcasses into my vegetarian chili. No real loss. But we'd best get rid of the witness. Willias? Kill yourself." From over the phone, there was a muffled sigh and a single gunshot.

"...right." Lance suspected he'd be saying that a lot. "So just where are we goi- what the hell's going on in there?"

Following the direction of Lance's pointed finger, the other man said innocently, "Why, that's our infant research center."

"Infant research!? But that's a barbeque! And those are real baby-back ribs! With what appears to be a delicious smokey barbeque sauce being applied to them!"

"Food companies have to research into undiscovered taste sensations all the time. Besides, you didn't say a thing about what you had at breakfast." Seeming to sense a little unease (not to mention nausea) growing in his companion, the man went on grandly, "Look, Lance. The thing is that I have obligations. An obligation to my stockholders, to the universal economy, and to myself. Perhaps a few people get hurt in the process, but somebody has to do it. Somebody has to train the next generation of serial killers via intensive sensory deprivation and virtual reality; somebody has to teach cats how to steal the breath of small children; somebody has to distribute the 'Go Crazy' pills to postal workers, Republicans, and scientists; somebody had to tip Falwell off about those damn gay Teletubbies; somebody had to cancel Star Trek; somebody had to co-ordinate rifle fire from the grassy knoll; somebody had to be there to sell those xenomorph eggs to that kindergarten; and damnit, somebody had to be there to craft and orchestrate that whole religious movement about two thousand years ago-"

"Hey, look, as long as I come out of here with the memories of two hideous deaths, I can overlook a whole lot of things." Lance paused, glancing into the next window, and shuttered. "A whole lot of big things, even when they're humping each other."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"This is the portal room. Here, my technicians will project you to t.ogre's location. Go ahead and jump in." He gestured with a flourish.

"Uh, it looks like a giant industrial blender."

"Those are just the trans-universal tachyon emitting rotors. Oh, and nevermind the blood smeared along the walls."

Lance growled. "Fucksake. Fine. I don't care. Lets get this thing started."

Anonymous techs began to push buttons, levers were pulled, and the rotors at the far end of the tunnel began to spin into blurred discs. The motor gave off a high, whining howl, and breeze coming from the rotors to play across Lance's fur.

Lance started forward, but the man caught his arm, saying mildly, "Hold on, one last thing you're going to need sooner or later, Lance m'boy. Here." He held out a rather fancy wristwatch, "You're going to want to guard this very carefully."

"Why?" Lance asked, taking the watch. "Does it have a stopwatch function?"

The man frowned, faintly. "No, it do- okay, actually, it does, now that I think about it. But the main function is to switch your soul-toggle to Evil Self-Insertion Mode."

Lance blinked, twisting to look over at the other. "What?"

"Well, at the moment, you're in Heel-Turn Villian Mode, which isn't an infrequent upgrade for many Anti-Heroes. This means that you're going to inevitably either be defeated, because all villians get theirs in the end, or you're going to be converted back to good through some contrived method. Usually this entails a blow to the head to 'fix' your brain, a'la just about every cartoon in the 80's. Or possibly it will involve a few hackneyed, cliche-laiden speeches to remind you of the honor and glory you used to be party to. Or God forbid, a fucking intervention. In other words, no matter what, you're screwed."

Lance stared blankly, so the man went on.

"This, however, will turn you into an Evil Self-Insertion. This means that the author clearly favors you and thus you'll win out in virtually any situation. Hell, it would take god-like power to even cause you mild humiliation, and this will always be quickly retified. You'll be simply unbeatable... and we won't have to worry about a repeat of those last.... incidents."

Lance considered the watch, before asking in a dazed tone, "Are there any side-effects?"

"Mainly there's the problem that you'll come up with a really shitty catchphrase and you'll spout it at least once or twice an episode just before facing off with somebody. You'll want to watch out for that."

"Huh." Lance strapped the watch securely around his wrist. "I don't feel any different. Except there's this sudden odd rush of confidance and feelings of omnipotence."

"Yeah, you'll get that. Now, get along in there and kick t.ogre's ass."

Lance nodded, and started into the portal.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At that moment, the furthest thing from t.ogre's mind was Lance, or bad movies, or even wrestling.

"Go, Frodo! RUUUN!" t.ogre bellowed as he brought Whack, the ancient elven runic steel chair, up over his head, threatening the horrid thing advancing from the cave mouth towards them on its many legs. The chair glowed with a cold blue light.

"But t, you're sure to be killed!" Frodo protested where he stood at t.ogre's side with his sword Sting, the blade glowing like t.ogre's.

"This? This is nothing after a hardcore Dusty Rhodes match! Go!"

Frodo hesitated a moment more, before nodding and darting off behind t.ogre. t.gore gave a grin and murmured, "Okay, you son of a bitch, now that we're alone. Let's finish this so I can stop feeling like such a goddamn nerd for being here."

As if understanding him, the horror rose up on its hind hairs, displaying its glue-sticky underbelly and waving tangled tendrils of hair. A thick growl came out of it, that almost sounded like words, given in a strange, stacatto pattern. "You... DO NOT... understand, how badly... I will kick your... ass... you... wrestling pussy..."

t.ogre growled low. "You damn evil hairpiece, I don't even know how you got away from William Shatner, but he'll have to go to hell to get you back!" And with that, he charged, his chair coming around... only to see the hairpiece get suddenly pierced from behind by the slim blade of a katana. "What? ...LANCE!?"

The mercenary fox-man stepped from the shadows, slinging the hairpiece from the tip of his katana into the darkness. t.ogre's eyes involentarily followed its flightpath... how had Lance killed this unkillable beast with such supernatural ease? His gaze shot back to Lance, as the mercenary took up an offensive stance, whispering coldly, "Finally, my revenge be upon ye, t.ogre. Justice's blade shall not be merciful!" With this, he leapt at t.ogre, his katana slashing out.

t.ogre does not remember the fight well, only in pictures. Memories of being helplessly slapped around with the flat of Lance's sword, of having his flesh being playfully slashed in a dozen places, his clothes cut away. In the end, he lay dazed and nearly dead on the floor of the cave. A contemptuous slap of Lance's sword caught Whack and tossed it aside. The katana leapt up with supernatural agility to touch lightly beneath t.ogre's chin. The wrestler instinctively lifted his head back from the lethal edge, but the sword moved with, touching lightly on his skin.

"Now... you die." Lance murmured softly, starting to very, very slowly push his sword forward. He wanted this to last.

"Excellent job, Lance! Now step away so we can secure the prisoner."

Under normal circumstances, Lance would have ignored the voice, or simply thrust home in order to ensure that he got his kill before he was restrained. Except that this voice reduced him to gasping, his eyes bugging out as he stammered, "Muerte!?"

"Willias Muerte VI. At your service. Now put the pointy down so we can torture him inhumanely, okay?"

Lance's eyes narrowed coldly. "We can't take that risk. I have to destroy him now!"

"Do I get a say in this?" t.ogre slurred out weakly.

"Are you fucking kidding? Somebody portal him outta here." Muerte said drily, before a portal sprung open and swallowed up t.ogre just as Lance was pushing his sword home. The swordblade thrust through the glow impotently, drawing no blood.

Lance rounded on Muerte, hissing through gritted teeth, "My revenge be upon ye, Muerte! Justice's blade shall not be merciful!" And proceeded to slit Muerte from his buttocks to his neck and rip his spine out. Blinking down at the bloody spine, he muttered, "Okay, maybe that was going too far." Then a portal took hold of him and stole him away.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"What the hell was that!?" Lance demanded as he popped back into the shadowed man's base.

"I told you, Lance. You can have him AFTER I'm done with him, not before." He held up a hand, grinning broadly. "I can assure you, Lance... we will not be doing anything to him that he will enjoy. Consider it some small compensation for his sins before you deliver the coup de grace."

"Koo day grah?"

"It's a French thing. You're too manly to get it. Nevermind. Why not have a drink in the Employee Lounge, I'll call you when we need you again."

With a frustrated sigh, Lance nodded his agreement and started down the stairs he was directed towards.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The lounge turned out to be somewhat like Lance envisioned, having spent some time in the interdimensional nexus that was Dream City. Creatures of all manner and description ranged throughout the immense chamber. The walls were drab green concrete, the floor was tiled in an unrecoverably stained white, and the ceiling was coated in accoustic panels and banks of flourescent lights even MORE stained. There was only one feature in the room (apart from the long cafeteria counter, cash registers, tables, and their occupants, and some doors to get in and out of room, and all the litter, and... look, you get the goddamn idea), and this was a huge digital display high up on one wall. It worked much like a stadium scoreboard, using backlit red dots. At the moment it was displaying a counter that currently read at 27 seconds. A little board next to the counter read, "Time Since Last World Consumed".

At 29 seconds, the timer restarted at 00:00:00. Before it got to 00:00:13, it restarted again. Each time it did, a ear-shatteringly loud buzzer would sound and balloons and party streamers would flood down from the ceiling, and all of the occupants of the room would absently pick up a nearby horn or rattle or noisemaker or kazoo and use it passionlessly. Then they would set it down, flick the streamers and balloons off their food (or not, depending on how picky they were) and go on eating.

After a moment of staring, Lance shrugged inwardly and went to the counter. He steered a wide birth around the baby back ribs and vegetarian chilli, considered the haggis before deciding that the odds of it being from an actual sheep were miniscule. And besides, he wasn't nearly crazy enough to eat it if it were real. In the end, he settled for a slice of cheesecake drizzled with cherry sauce. As he got to the register, they waved him through without a charge, though one person shoved a rattle in his free hand before he could avoid it.

Turning resignedly, he looked out over the cafeteria for a place to sit down.

Off to one side, Muerte waved, smiling. Lance studiously, even meticulously ignored him and headed for one of a pair of empty seats. As he started that way, a small winged creature took one of them. It seemed to be some kind of reptile judging from its scaley nature. And it could have, if Lance were less of a wuss, been described as 'cute'. He/she/it was having what looked like a slice of pizza, holding the slice with its tail as it greeted friends. Set on the plate still was a noisemaker with a colorful paper roll.

Lance sat beside it, setting down his rattle and plate, and was just about to take a bite from his cheesecake when the buzzer went off. He winced, glaring up at the counter.

"Oh hell. Oh bloody hell. Oh bloody hell!" The creature beside him muttered with growing panic. His thick British accent was apparent despite the fear lacing his tone. He had set the noisemaker to his lips and was blowing it with greater and greater desperation. His snout, however, refused to form a tight enough seal, and all he got were hissing noises. Lance blinked over at him, wondering what the fuss was.

That's when the shadow fell over them. "PLEASE MAKE USE OF YOUR NOISEMAKER. YOU HAVE 20 SECONDS TO COMPLY." Lance whipped around and found himself staring down the barrel of a 7.62mm machine gun, mounted on the side of an immense bipedal robot.

He snorted, asking sardonically, "Don't you know the boss says I'm immortal?" Beside him, the scaled thing counterpointed Lance's bravado with quick blowing hisses.

"YOUR CIVIL RIGHTS ARE CURRENTLY REVOKED. YOU HAVE FIFTEEN SECONDS TO COMPLY."

"Fuck... you better do what he says, man!" The scaled creature blurted, before going back to blowing into his noisemaker.

"IF YOU CANNOT AFFORD A COFFIN, A MASS GRAVE WILL BE APPOINTED FOR YOU. YOU HAVE TEN SECONDS TO COMPLY."

Lance eyed his rattle, eyed the scaled creature's noisemaker, before casually swapping the two.

"AMMUNITION SELECTION COMPLETED - CYANIDE-TIPPED HYPER EXPLOSIVE NITROGLYCERINE HYPERVELOCITY SHELLS SELECTED. YOU HAVE FIVE SECONDS TO COMPLY."

Setting the noisemaker to his more flexible snout, he blew out a flat, unenthusiastic note towards the camera pickup of the robot, as the scaled creature frantically swung the rattle about. With that, the robot turned, and marched off towards another person who was having trouble with his kazoo.

"Man, thanks a lot!" The scaled creature said, reaching out to shake Lance's hand. When Lance gave his hand up, the scaled creature shook it rapidly, saying, "But, uh, if you were immortal, why did you bother to blow it yourself?"

"And get my clothes chewed up? Hell with that. What is it with all the noise and the counter, anyways?"

"Well, the boss thinks it's good for employee moral if they share in the sense of triumph he recieves every time he continues in his quest to stomp out all that's good in the universe. Again though, I gotta thank you."

"Uh, I was also wondering why you had a noisemaker, when you should know by now you can't use it." Lance asked with a frown.

'That's not my fault. You have to use whatever noise device you're given. To maintain the harmony, you understand. And nearly nobody is brave enough to trade 'em... if the boss catches you, will, that's it, you'll snuff it. Just like that."

"Huh. Anyways, what's your name? And, uh, what are you?"

The scaled creature grinned. "My name's Darkhorse, I'm what's referred to as a Pterid. You can call me DHP, if you want. Or Darkhorse. Or Darkie, but some people might think that's racist, and nobody wants that. Or Horsie, I guess, but then people will think I'm giving you piggy-back rides all the time like some little kid. Or maybe Pterie? Sort of like a petri dish, but, uh, completely different. Except that I guess I do hold some bacteria, I mean, who doesn't? And-"

Lance swiftly broke in, "Okay, okay! I get it, Dark. My name's Lance." He paused, considering the Pterid. "So tell me, what're you doing here?"

Dark started to speak when the buzzer sounded again. The rattle was picked up and shook. Even as he did, he went on, "Well, I, uh, can't exactly tell you. Partly I'm working to get enough money for... for something. The thing I can't tell you about. Once I have the money, I can hire some people here, to, er. Y'know."

"Yeah, the thing you can't tell me."

"Bingo."

"Look, Dark... You know, I could use somebody to watch my back around here. I have a feeling that I might get skunked one of these days... and I don't really have a lot more to use my paycheck towards. What do you say?"

"It's the least I can do." Dark said with a smile. "Now, when do I start watching your back?"

"Uh, right now." Lance said, taking a generous bite of his cheesecake.

"Oh, well then, my first duty will be to tell you that that's not cheesecake."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Across the room, Muerte VII was still eating his babyback ribs, watching idly as Lance spit out a mouthful of cake and frantically wiped at his tongue with his napkin, at least until the Pterid said something about 'that napkin's not made out of cloth'.

Slowly, the shadow behead Muerte grew thicker, until it was the size of a man. From it issued a quiet murmur, "Now, look at how he's already abusing the gifts I've given him, hiring that little gimp on! You'll have to watch him close for me, Muerte. Very close indeed."

Muerte nodded without looking up, a hand casually sliding down to his hip to check on the safety strap on his pistol. Yeah, this was a duty he could come to like.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At that very moment, t.ogre was waking up on the table to which he'd been strapped. Most of his wounds were partly healed by advanced technology, but the powerful anesthetics which saw to his conciousness and his pain left him heavily dazed. Slowly his eyes blinked open, the world a blurred haze about him.

"How are you doing today, Mister t.ogre?" Asked the Rock.

t.ogre blinked.

"Well, he's awake, I just saw him blink." Said another Rock.

"Indeed, he did. Phil can see the blink, even from where Phil diligently mops the corner of this chamber." Said a third Rock.

t.ogre blinked again.

"There's another one. If he keeps this up we could get a rhythm going." Said a fourth Rock.

t.ogre muttered thickly, "Holy shit... I'm... I'm in hell! Lance killed me, and I'm in hell!"

"Now, now. Relax, Mister Wrestler Man. We'll put you back under so you can finish healing up." Said one of the Rocks. He gave a nod to another Rock, saying, "Go ahead and inject him, Muerte."

That Rock nodded, and stepped forward. He branished a syringe with a needle the length of a pool cue.

"Gah! Get away from me with that thing!" t.ogre blurted, recoiling.

"Don't worry, t.ogre." His voice blurred then through the ringing in his ears, but t.ogre could've sworn the man said, "The Rock says, this won't sting a bit."

t.ogre's vision turned red, and that's about all he remembers about THAT.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Right this way, Lance, you'll see your experimentees. We've got both Brandt and t.ogre in their number, as well as a few others you might recognize. We were going to bring in this being, Nnirk, but he's far too dangerous... we're keeping him in isolation for now."

"That's fine. My beef is with Krinn anyways, not this Nnirk guy." Lance said as they jogged down the stairs into the experimentation wing, followed closely by Darkhorse.

"Alright. Annnnd... here we are." With a flourish, he pushed open the double doors, to reveal a scene of carnage. Doctors, nurses, and guards groaned and clutched at themselves. Many were bent into pretzels or twisted into knots of various complex types, from sheepshanks to Fruedian slipknots. One man had been Senton-bombed through his own face. This man, Lance realized, was Muerte. Or... what was left of him, anyways.

Lance rounded on his employer, asking coldly, "What the hell happened?"

The shadowy figure scowled. "The bastard must have escaped." Keying his cellphone, he snapped, "Muerte! Mobilize the security team to find t.ogre! And shoot yourself for incompetance!" Lance heard a gunshot from the cellphone as the shadow flipped it shut.

"I don't mind telling you, this really does very little to inspire me about the quality of your word." Lance said with deceptive softness.

"Yeah! Ye great sod!" Darkhorse snapped in support.

His employer made placating gestures. "Now, now, Lance. Look here, on the other restraint tables. For whatever reason, perhaps in a delirium, t.ogre failed to notice and free his compatriots. See, Brandt Delacroix, and Oniko... old friends of yours, I trust?"

Lance nodded, his eyes narrowing to slits.

The man went on. "These are Max and Viper, new compatriots to these fools... other sinners, for you to punish, hm?"

Lance began to nod reluctantly. There was still some good to be done here.

"And here, on the end, two new... 'friends'. Fools whom you will teach never to follow down the path of corruption which these others have followed. This is Alair," he said, gesturing at one of the tables near the end. This one held a pretty girl that stood perhaps 5'10" (when standing upright and not drugged to the gills), with brown hair and green eyes. "A psychic visitor from the future, I've, er, borrowed her from her parent corporation for this experiment. Don't worry, Self-Inserts are largely immune to psychic powers."

Moving past her, the shadow gestured at the last table. "This is Sherlock." Sherlock proved to be an anthromorph, like Lance... except his genotype was that of a feline rather than vulpine. It would have stood a little above average, with thick fur and a long tail. "This one's an alien, a martial artist, able to use ESP and ice magic- kind of a furry grab-bag."

Darkhorse said, sharply, "Now, sir, it's sexual harassment to refer to this person's scrotum as a 'furry grab-bag'."

For a long moment, the shadowy man stared at Darkhorse, before saying, perhaps more sharply, "These will be your experiments for now, until t.ogre is recovered and can be forcably introduced to pain once more. Now, head for the portal room, they will send you to the site of your experiment. By the time you get there, your experimentees will already be in their place."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Only a few minutes later, Lance and Darkhorse walked out of the portal and came out just outside of their new home for the next few... hours, perhaps.

About them was a low hill coated thickly with wild grass, whispering and rustling dramatically as the cold wind whisked through it. Behind them stood a huge mansion, a beautiful and ancient structure which loomed over the landscape. Somehow it was vaguely forboding, its gothic windows staring out balefully at a human world too cowardly to intrude on this forsaken place. Beside the entrance, a bronze plaque was set in stone, and it read in high, arching letters: WINDSWEPT MANOR.

"Well, isn't this overdramatic?" Darkhorse commented.

"Yeah, no shit. Let's get inside before we catch cold." Lance said, rubbing his hands together as he stepped up towards the door.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At that moment, in the theater, Brandt was struggling to wake up. "Ugh... what hit me? This time, I mean."

He didn't really expect an answer, so it made him jolt with surprise when Oniko said, idly, "I think a 20cc dose of sodium runningjokitol. I could be wrong though. Maybe it was 30ccs of hackneyed contrividen. I really gotta catch up on my ER before I can be sure."

"Oniko? You're here?" Brandt croaked, lifting his head and prying open his eyes.

"Yep. Not just me, either! See, there's Max. Poor dumb fucker. And Viper." Those two waved as Oniko mentioned their names, the latter already holding a Mega-Ultra-Large cup of Bloaty Cola and taking long sips from the straw.

"Uh." Brandt's brow furrowed. "No, why should I?"

Oniko sighed, muttering, "Man, I envy your coping skills. Anyways, everybody, this is Brandt "Bishie" Delacroix. I know he looks all cute an' innocent an' kitten-like, but you'll want to stay the fuck out of reach, anyways. Trust me."

"Hi, Brandt. I envy your coping skills too." Alair said sourly. "I wouldn't mind forgetting being kidnapped and held in what looks like a Victorian era theater. Do you know what they did to women in Victorian times? I read all about it in history class!" Alair said.

"No. Please. Tell us all about it." Sherlock muttered tiredly. He lay back in his seat, clutching his head. Apparently, sodium runningjokitol caused migraines in his species.

"Oh, well, see, they'd take women, and grind them up into pate, and-"

The intercom crackled to life. "That'll be quite enough of this chatter!" A familiar voice growled.

Brandt and Oniko blinked, both shooting up straight.

"Lance...?" Oniko whispered under his breath.

There was a smile in Lance's voice as he continued, "That's right, you evil little bastard! I'm baaaack!" A dramatic chord played.

Brandt blurted, "You can't be... I annihilated you!" When the others in the theater gave him an odd look, he added hurriedly, "It was an accident, I swear."

"Accident my ass... now everybody park it! I'm about to show you a god-awful fic and you dipshits are going to get to watch every single second of it. You try to squeeze your eyes shut to stop the pain, you get killed. You piss me off, you get killed. You spill your popcorn, you get killed. In fact, come to think of it, practically anything you do can and will get you killed." Lance paused, before crooning, "Especially you, Brandt. Go ahead, boy. Make a pun for me. Make my fuckin' day."

Brandt shuddered, muttering, "Yeah, uh... thanks for the offer, but I think I'll just sit here. Quietly."

"Oh? What about the rest of you?" Lance purred.

Everyone called back hurriedly, "Oh, that's okay- that's fine, we're good- yeah, what the pussy said- you mean me?- no, Sherlock, I mean Brandt, he's a pussy- Oh, I see, he DOES look kind of limpwristed-"

"Okay! Shut up! It's show time!" Lance called out, before looking over at Darkhorse. "Hit the switch, my lackey."

"Can do, Mister L." Darkhorse said with a toothy grin, hitting the On switch that was well within Lance's reach.

The riffers took their seats as the screen began to scroll the classic 10...9...8...7...6...

"Just to warn you guys, you may want to secure some suicide methods," Max said casually.

"What?" Alair demanded. "Oh, come on, it can't be THAT bad..."

"That's what everybody thinks their first time," Brandt muttered defeatedly.

...5...4...3...2...1...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Posted on Feb 25, 2004, 12:17 AM
from IP address 172.200.157.37

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Here, when you point out errors to me, don't mention this one:

by Chimera (no login)

>Brandt and Oniko blinked, both shooting up straight.
>
>"Lance...?" Oniko whispered under his breath.

I got it already. I was trying to equal out the parts more and forgot Oniko hadn't met Lance.

Posted on Feb 25, 2004, 4:40 AM
from IP address 172.200.157.37

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I browsed through it...

by Demon K. (no login)

looked good. I'll read more into it later.


Posted on Feb 25, 2004, 2:29 PM
from IP address 64.61.217.68

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Here's what I got.

by Cosmos (no login)

Yes, the first thing I do is nit-pick. (I can't help it, it's a disease). That said, I was laughing out loud at parts of this, so good job, Chimera.

------

> a mercenary of your caliber should hardly leave her penniless, correct?

'here'

------

>It wasn't easy to glimpse their contents, at the pace that the exquisitely endowed centaurs they were riding.

[Not sure, maybe?]

It wasn't easy to glimpse their contents, 'given' the pace 'of' the exquisitely endowed centaurs they were riding.

------

> Lance paused, glancing into the next window, and shuttered.

'shuddered'

------

> Lance growled. "Fucksake. Fine. I don't care. Lets get this thing started."

'Let's'

------

> t.gore gave a grin and murmured, "Okay, you son of a bitch, now
> that we're alone. Let's finish this so I can stop feeling like such
> a goddamn nerd for being here."

[t.gore? ^_^]

------

[Small question, when Shadowy guy was telling Lance about Nnirk, if Lance hasn't seen him yet, why would he assume he has any connection to Krinn?]

------

> Sherlock proved to be an anthromorph, like Lance... except his
> genotype was that of a feline rather than vulpine.

[I don't think genotype is quite the word you want to use here. It refers to a beings unique genetic makeup, two people can look remarkably the same (have the same phenotype) but still have different genotypes. </grad student lecture>]

------

> "Uh." Brandt's brow furrowed. "No, why should I?"

[Who or what (other than head trauma) is Brandt reacting to?]

------

Your usual excellent (and somewhat nauseating) work. ^_^

I have to point out though, if we're looking to trim a little length on this thing, we could cut the entire 'riding on the centaurs-seeing the experiments' bit without losing any plot.

Posted on Feb 25, 2004, 9:01 PM
from IP address 12.73.132.172

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Intro 1.1, with Cosmos' fixes (FEEL the power of fixes!)

by Chimera (no login)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Another day in oblivion.

Slowly his eyes crept open, staring up at an infinite expanse of shimmering randomness. It was like melting watercolors, dancing on all sides. The formless effluvia of uncountable alternate realities.

It really looses its charm after you're there for almost a week, it really, really does. Also it tends to have very odd effects on the functionality of the brain.

But on the plus side, he wasn't there alone.

"You certainly are not!" Said the shape which loomed up into his vision on the left side.

"Why, good morning Mister Shirt," Lance said cheerfully.

"Top o' the mornin' to you too, Lance m'boy!" Mister Shirt said in his thick Irish accent that often wandered into a Scottish accent. "You're looking well today. Not insane at all!"

"Nope! Perfectly sane."

"Perfectly!"

"Running on an even keel."

"As sound as cottage cheese lying on the sandwalk in August."

"Abso-yessie-posi-lutely!"

"Wait, which one of us is which, again? I lost track."

This happened far more often than it probably should.

"That last one was you, Lance." Pantsie said as he loomed in from the right, his zipper-lined mouth working as he spoke. "You can tell, because, you know. No accent. Also, there's the lack of buttons. And I don't think you're a 50/50 Cotton/Nylon blend. At least, not yet."

"You're right! I'm no more than 25% cotton, if I remember my biology correctly. And the only button I have, I got after that drinking contest, and- well, nevermind that. What is it we were planning to do today?"

"What do we always do, Pantsie?" Mister Shirt said, his buttons forming a grin.

Pantsie danced about. "Try to take over the worl-"

Mister Shirt and Lance took turns bitchslapping him.

"Sorry, I lost my head. Hm... I say we look at the clouds of nothingness and see what beautiful shapes we can make out."

This was, in fact, what he did every day. Every damn day. Every goddamn, stinking, worthless day. Partly because not long ago he'd lost the energy to stand, and was reduced to lying on his back. This didn't do much to reduce the view, it was the same in the other directions, too... so he didn't mind it any.

It was Lance's turn to start. "Well, let's see, that up there? That looks like t.ogre being bent over by a hydraulic press until his spine caves, forcing his face into his own sphincter, and as he dies, he can feel his ass-muscles twitching and clenching feebly around his own nose from the agony."

"Hey yeah, I can see that, laddie! That little thing off to the side being the bloodspurt, right?"

"Right in one, Mister Shirt," Lance said with a friendly smile. "And that, that there, that's Brandt being thrown into a men's maximum security prison due to some bureaucratic error, where he comes to understand the meaning of suffering at the hands of dozens if not hundreds of large, lonely prisoners, none of whom have so much as a liquid ounce of lube, not one of which wants to just cuddle, until the very sight of his body makes the guards puke and blood oozes from every orifice, and-"

"Not that we have anything against gay people," Pantsie hurriedly put in.

"Oh, no! Not at all," Lance agreed.

"Except that little asshole Brandt," Pantsie added. Pantsie was a good egg. Helped remind him of his hatreds. And God knows, there's not much else that'll keep you alive for almost a week despite a lack of food or water. Except maybe a long marathon of Babylon 5.

"Now, what about THAT cloud?" Mister Shirt querried.

"THAT one is a large dark menacing Latino man in evil-looking armor carved with cabalistic symbols and adorned with handcrafted fetishes undoubtedly gleaned from the butchered remains of the many foes he has felled in battle."

"Hola, Lance," the man said.

"Oooh, and this cloud TALKS!" Pantsie called cheerfully.

The man drew a sizable handgun, pointing it at Pantsie.

"It talks AND it has a gun! That's so cool!" Pantsie crowed. Then Pantsie added, "Ouch!" as he was blasted into a shredded cloud of fabric. Lance blinked down at his now-bared arm where it still hung in midair, fingers still cupped as if using the pants-puppet's zipper for a mouth.

"You son of a bitch! Get him, Mister Shirt!" Lance snapped, and hurled his shirt at the man.

Mister Shirt grabbed ahold of the intruder in their little rainbow world, violently wrestling back and forth with him, trying to get his sleeves up and around the man's murderous neck. All the while he shouted, "Suck my shilegleah, ye bloody gaffertoad!" And then something about, "Ye gonna ready yerself to be kissin' me blarney stones now, laddie!?" And then finally, as he reared up, about to triumphantly break his foe's neck, he screamed out, "ERIN GO BRALESS, MOTHERFUCKA-"

Except that it was about then that the man annoyedly tore Mister Shirt in half.

"AAAAGHH! YOU MURDEROUS BASTARD! HE'S GOT TWO LITTLE VESTS AND AN UNDERSHIRT AT HOME WHO DEPEND ON HIM!" Lance roared.

Mister Undies made as if to enter the fray, but the man pointed his gun at Lance's crotch, snapping, "Your Fruit of the Looms better stand down, boy!" Then transferred his aim to Lance's face.

Mister Undies decided that discretion was the better part of valor. He always HAD been a bit of a coward. Lance, however, was still pissed... waving his arms. "Yeah, big man, threatening a guy wasted away by hunger and thirst. Just come into reach! I'll teach you not to kill helpless pants in the prime of their lives-"

The man interrupted, saying sharply, "Shut up! I'm here to get you OUT of here!"

That stopped him short. After a moment, Lance asked slowly, "...You are? Just who ARE you?"

"My name is Willias Muerte IV... they call me the Great Death."

"Well Bob, let's get the fuck out of here."

Muerte gave Lance a hard look, before activating his hands-free mic and murmuring, "Going to need a planar bridge for two." He paused, as Lance waved Mister Undies wildly. Muerte sighed and added, "Make that three."

To Lance, he snapped, "Now put those back on!" Another pause, before he said into the radio, "No, no! Not you, sir! Not at all. Him." Muerte sighed, and said defeatedly, "Yes, sir."

Turning the radio off, Muerte scowled at Lance. "Are you happy now? I have to shoot myself as punishment for snapping at the boss." With that, he put his gun to his head, and blew everything from his neck up into a fine pink mist. His headless body stayed balanced and upright a moment more, before slumping to the side.

Lance blinked for a moment at the corpse, before grinning broadly, and saying, "Yes, I am. Thank you." Then a great wrenching force took hold of him and he blacked out.

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"Nnnnng..." Lance groaned out.

"It's the return of gravity that did it for you, Lance m'boy. Couldn't be avoided. But you'll be fine, now." A deep, cultured voice murmured.

"Nnnnng...?" Lance queried.

"Yes, really. You've had a dunk in our Saiyan Rejuvenation Chamber. We've got nutrients and such being pumped into you as we speak, and there's aromatherapy candles; Margerie, my acupuncturist, has all of your chi points properly stimulated; Terrance has given you a deeply clensing high colonic; Bobby's given that matted fur of yours a restorative shampooing and styling; Hadji has flensed your chakras with his ritual knives; and Akiko, my personal masseuse, is now giving you an extremely, extremely thorough massage with my favorite hand-mixed brand of warming cinnamon oils."

"Mmmmmm..." Lance groaned again, this time for entirely different reasons.

"She does have quite a nice touch, doesn't she?"

"Ooooohhh." Lance nodded in agreement. This was helping his mood, a lot.

"Okay, now that you're feeling better, I have a few words to say to you."

"Hnnnnn...?" Lance asked drowsily.

"t.ogre. Brandt Delacroix. Puns."

Lance shot up to a seated position instantly, jangling the IV bags hooked into his veins and the hundreds of slender steel needles sticking out of his skin, cinnamon massage oil dripping off his fur. His voice was a rumbling growl. "What?"

Though he was instantly aware, his eyes were more reluctant to work, after untold time staring into a shimmering rainbow hell. Where the other speaker stood, Lance could only make out a tall, slender shadow. At head level, he could make out a pair of reflections of himself... mirrored sunglasses, he realized after a moment. The man said, mildly, "I have an offer for you. If you come to work for me, help in my experiments, then you'll get those two. In chains, humiliated, heads on a platter, however you like. And I'll see to it that you're paid for your time, a mercenary of your caliber should hardly leave here penniless, correct?" There was a slight pause, before he added cheerfully, "If you don't agree, I toss you back into the void and shut the door forever. What do you say?"

For a short moment, Lance blinked at the other man, before asking, simply, "Well fuck, what do you think I'm going to say?"

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Not too long later, the the shadowy man and Lance were both riding through the corridors of the huge base Lance had woken in. As to where the base was, or its purpose, Lance could not even guess. Often they would pass by unbreakable one-way windows looking into isolated labs, and in each a different and odd activity was taking place. It wasn't easy to glimpse their contents, given the pace of the exquisitely endowed centaurs they were riding. The shadowy man had the female and availed himself of the useful handholds, Lance found himself clinging as best he could to the male without getting too grossed out. At least Lance himself wasn't naked for the ride... he'd been supplied with replacements for Mister Shirt and Pantsie, may their souls rest in peace.

"Uh, so... what about these things we're riding, here?" Lance finally had to ask.

"Oh, these? The last two centaurs in existance," his new patron said casually.

"The last?"

"Oh yes. I had all of the others annihilated. That makes this mated pair that much more valuable."

"...right," Lance found himself muttering, directing his attention to the lab they were passing. Inside, it was filled with water, and half a dozen dolphins therein swam about. They seemed to be encapsulated in streamlined body armor, with strapped-on torpedo launchers and laser guns, and were at the moment murdering largely helpless elderly swimmers.

Lance started to ask, but the shadowy man seemed to have detected the direction of Lance's gaze and smirked, saying, "Hey, a species can only tolerate being petted and squeaked at by pink bipedal freaks for so long. I'm just helping them get revenge."

"For a small fee." Lance said astutely.

"For certain services, actually," He said brightly. "You'd be astonished how much money can be made when I'm the biggest supplier of cute dolphins to the beastiality community. Care for one yourself? You look like you could still stand to unwind."

"Uh, put me down for 'none'. In fact, less than none, if that's at all possible."

"Oh, sure it's possible." He flipped open his cellphone and murmured into it, "Willias, have several dolphins killed for Lance, would you?"

A deep male voice answered promptly, "Will do, Mister R!" In the background there was the sound of a chainsaw and pained squeaks.

When Lance gave the man a horrified look, he seemed to misinterpret. "Oh, don't worry, I can feed the carcasses into my vegetarian chili. No real loss. But we'd best get rid of the witness. Willias? Kill yourself." From over the phone, there was a muffled sigh and a single gunshot.

"...right." Lance suspected he'd be saying that a lot. "So just where are we goi- what the hell's going on in there?"

Following the direction of Lance's pointed finger, the other man said innocently, "Why, that's our infant research center."

"Infant research!? But that's a barbeque! And those are real baby-back ribs! With what appears to be a delicious smokey barbeque sauce being applied to them!"

"Food companies have to research into undiscovered taste sensations all the time. Besides, you didn't say a thing about what you had at breakfast." Seeming to sense a little unease (not to mention nausea) growing in his companion, the man went on grandly, "Look, Lance. The thing is that I have obligations. An obligation to my stockholders, to the universal economy, and to myself. Perhaps a few people get hurt in the process, but somebody has to do it. Somebody has to train the next generation of serial killers via intensive sensory deprivation and virtual reality; somebody has to teach cats how to steal the breath of small children; somebody has to distribute the 'Go Crazy' pills to postal workers, Republicans, and scientists; somebody had to tip Falwell off about those damn gay Teletubbies; somebody had to cancel Star Trek; somebody had to co-ordinate rifle fire from the grassy knoll; somebody had to be there to sell those xenomorph eggs to that kindergarten; and damnit, somebody had to be there to craft and orchestrate that whole religious movement about two thousand years ago-"

"Hey, look, as long as I come out of here with the memories of two hideous deaths, I can overlook a whole lot of things." Lance paused, glancing into the next window, and shuddered. "A whole lot of big things, even when they're humping each other."

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"This is the portal room. Here, my technicians will project you to t.ogre's location. Go ahead and jump in." He gestured with a flourish.

"Uh, it looks like a giant industrial blender."

"Those are just the trans-universal tachyon emitting rotors. Oh, and nevermind the blood smeared along the walls."

Lance growled. "Fucksake. Fine. I don't care. Let's get this thing started."

Anonymous techs began to push buttons, levers were pulled, and the rotors at the far end of the tunnel began to spin into blurred discs. The motor gave off a high, whining howl, and breeze coming from the rotors to play across Lance's fur.

Lance started forward, but the man caught his arm, saying mildly, "Hold on, one last thing you're going to need sooner or later, Lance m'boy. Here." He held out a rather fancy wristwatch, "You're going to want to guard this very carefully."

"Why?" Lance asked, taking the watch. "Does it have a stopwatch function?"

The man frowned, faintly. "No, it do- okay, actually, it does, now that I think about it. But the main function is to switch your soul-toggle to Evil Self-Insertion Mode."

Lance blinked, twisting to look over at the other. "What?"

"Well, at the moment, you're in Heel-Turn Villian Mode, which isn't an infrequent upgrade for many Anti-Heroes. This means that you're going to inevitably either be defeated, because all villians get theirs in the end, or you're going to be converted back to good through some contrived method. Usually this entails a blow to the head to 'fix' your brain, a'la just about every cartoon in the 80's. Or possibly it will involve a few hackneyed, cliche-laiden speeches to remind you of the honor and glory you used to be party to. Or God forbid, a fucking intervention. In other words, no matter what, you're screwed."

Lance stared blankly, so the man went on.

"This, however, will turn you into an Evil Self-Insertion. This means that the author clearly favors you and thus you'll win out in virtually any situation. Hell, it would take god-like power to even cause you mild humiliation, and this will always be quickly retified. You'll be simply unbeatable... and we won't have to worry about a repeat of those last.... incidents."

Lance considered the watch, before asking in a dazed tone, "Are there any side-effects?"

"Mainly there's the problem that you'll come up with a really shitty catchphrase and you'll spout it at least once or twice an episode just before facing off with somebody. You'll want to watch out for that."

"Huh." Lance strapped the watch securely around his wrist. "I don't feel any different. Except there's this sudden odd rush of confidance and feelings of omnipotence."

"Yeah, you'll get that. Now, get along in there and kick t.ogre's ass."

Lance nodded, and started into the portal.

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At that moment, the furthest thing from t.ogre's mind was Lance, or bad movies, or even wrestling.

"Go, Frodo! RUUUN!" t.ogre bellowed as he brought Whack, the ancient elven runic steel chair, up over his head, threatening the horrid thing advancing from the cave mouth towards them on its many legs. The chair glowed with a cold blue light.

"But t, you're sure to be killed!" Frodo protested where he stood at t.ogre's side with his sword Sting, the blade glowing like t.ogre's.

"This? This is nothing after a hardcore Dusty Rhodes match! Go!"

Frodo hesitated a moment more, before nodding and darting off behind t.ogre. t.ogre gave a grin and murmured, "Okay, you son of a bitch, now that we're alone. Let's finish this so I can stop feeling like such a goddamn nerd for being here."

As if understanding him, the horror rose up on its hind hairs, displaying its glue-sticky underbelly and waving tangled tendrils of hair. A thick growl came out of it, that almost sounded like words, given in a strange, stacatto pattern. "You... DO NOT... understand, how badly... I will kick your... ass... you... wrestling pussy..."

t.ogre growled low. "You damn evil hairpiece, I don't even know how you got away from William Shatner, but he'll have to go to hell to get you back!" And with that, he charged, his chair coming around... only to see the hairpiece get suddenly pierced from behind by the slim blade of a katana. "What? ...LANCE!?"

The mercenary fox-man stepped from the shadows, slinging the hairpiece from the tip of his katana into the darkness. t.ogre's eyes involentarily followed its flightpath... how had Lance killed this unkillable beast with such supernatural ease? His gaze shot back to Lance, as the mercenary took up an offensive stance, whispering coldly, "Finally, my revenge be upon ye, t.ogre. Justice's blade shall not be merciful!" With this, he leapt at t.ogre, his katana slashing out.

t.ogre does not remember the fight well, only in pictures. Memories of being helplessly slapped around with the flat of Lance's sword, of having his flesh being playfully slashed in a dozen places, his clothes cut away. In the end, he lay dazed and nearly dead on the floor of the cave. A contemptuous flick of Lance's sword caught Whack and tossed it aside. The katana leapt up with supernatural agility to touch lightly beneath t.ogre's chin. The wrestler instinctively lifted his head back from the lethal edge, but the sword moved with, touching lightly on his skin.

"Now... you die." Lance murmured softly, starting to very, very slowly push his sword forward. He wanted this to last.

"Excellent job, Lance! Now step away so we can secure the prisoner."

Under normal circumstances, Lance would have ignored the voice, or simply thrust home in order to ensure that he got his kill before he was restrained. Except that this voice reduced him to gasping, his eyes bugging out as he stammered, "Muerte!?"

"Willias Muerte VI. At your service. Now put the pointy down so we can torture him inhumanely, okay?"

Lance's eyes narrowed coldly. "We can't take that risk. I have to destroy him now!"

"Do I get a say in this?" t.ogre slurred out weakly.

"Are you fucking kidding? Somebody portal him outta here." Muerte said drily, before a portal sprung open and swallowed up t.ogre just as Lance was pushing his sword home. The swordblade thrust through the glow impotently, drawing no blood.

Lance rounded on Muerte, hissing through gritted teeth, "My revenge be upon ye, Muerte! Justice's blade shall not be merciful!" And proceeded to slit Muerte from his buttocks to his neck and rip his spine out. Blinking down at the bloody spine, he muttered, "Okay, maybe that was going too far." Then a portal took hold of him and stole him away.

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"What the hell was that!?" Lance demanded as he popped back into the shadowed man's base.

"I told you, Lance. You can have him AFTER I'm done with him, not before." He held up a hand, grinning broadly. "I can assure you, Lance... we will not be doing anything to him that he will enjoy. Consider it some small compensation for his sins before you deliver the coup de grace."

"Koo day grah?"

"It's a French thing. You're too manly to get it. Nevermind. Why not have a drink in the Employee Lounge, I'll call you when we need you again."

With a frustrated sigh, Lance nodded his agreement and started down the stairs he was directed towards.

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The lounge turned out to be somewhat like Lance envisioned, having spent some time in the interdimensional nexus that was Dream City. Creatures of all manner and description ranged throughout the immense chamber. The walls were drab green concrete, the floor was tiled in an unrecoverably stained white, and the ceiling was coated in accoustic panels and banks of flourescent lights even MORE stained. There was only one feature in the room (apart from the long cafeteria counter, cash registers, tables, and their occupants, and some doors to get in and out of room, and all the litter, and... look, you get the goddamn idea), and this was a huge digital display high up on one wall. It worked much like a stadium scoreboard, using backlit red dots. At the moment it was displaying a counter that currently read at 27 seconds. A little board next to the counter read, "Time Since Last World Consumed".

At 29 seconds, the timer restarted at 00:00:00. Before it got to 00:00:13, it restarted again. Each time it did, a ear-shatteringly loud buzzer would sound and balloons and party streamers would flood down from the ceiling, and all of the occupants of the room would absently pick up a nearby horn or rattle or noisemaker or kazoo and use it passionlessly. Then they would set it down, flick the streamers and balloons off their food (or not, depending on how picky they were) and go on eating.

After a moment of staring, Lance shrugged inwardly and went to the counter. He steered a wide birth around the baby back ribs and vegetarian chilli, considered the haggis before deciding that the odds of it being from an actual sheep were miniscule. And besides, he wasn't nearly crazy enough to eat it if it were real. In the end, he settled for a slice of cheesecake drizzled with cherry sauce. As he got to the register, they waved him through without a charge, though one person shoved a rattle in his free hand before he could avoid it.

Turning resignedly, he looked out over the cafeteria for a place to sit down.

Off to one side, Muerte waved, smiling. Lance studiously, even meticulously ignored him and headed for one of a pair of empty seats. As he started that way, a small winged creature took one of them. It seemed to be some kind of reptile judging from its scaley nature. And it could have, if Lance were less of a wuss, been described as 'cute'. He/she/it was having what looked like a slice of pizza, holding the slice with its tail as it greeted friends. Set on the plate still was a noisemaker with a colorful paper roll.

Lance sat beside it, setting down his rattle and plate, and was just about to take a bite from his cheesecake when the buzzer went off. He winced, glaring up at the counter.

"Oh hell. Oh bloody hell. Oh bloody hell!" The creature beside him muttered with growing panic. His thick British accent was apparent despite the fear lacing his tone. He had set the noisemaker to his lips and was blowing it with greater and greater desperation. His snout, however, refused to form a tight enough seal, and all he got were hissing noises. Lance blinked over at him, wondering what the fuss was.

That's when the shadow fell over them. "PLEASE MAKE USE OF YOUR NOISEMAKER. YOU HAVE 20 SECONDS TO COMPLY." Lance whipped around and found himself staring down the barrel of a 7.62mm machine gun, mounted on the side of an immense bipedal robot.

He snorted, asking sardonically, "Don't you know the boss says I'm immortal?" Beside him, the scaled thing counterpointed Lance's bravado with quick blowing hisses.

"YOUR CIVIL RIGHTS ARE CURRENTLY REVOKED. YOU HAVE FIFTEEN SECONDS TO COMPLY."

"Fuck... you better do what he says, man!" The scaled creature blurted, before going back to blowing into his noisemaker.

"IF YOU CANNOT AFFORD A COFFIN, A MASS GRAVE WILL BE APPOINTED FOR YOU. YOU HAVE TEN SECONDS TO COMPLY."

Lance eyed his rattle, eyed the scaled creature's noisemaker, before casually swapping the two.

"AMMUNITION SELECTION COMPLETED - CYANIDE-TIPPED MEGA-EXPLOSIVE NITROGLYCERINE HYPERVELOCITY SHELLS SELECTED. YOU HAVE FIVE SECONDS TO COMPLY."

Setting the noisemaker to his more flexible snout, he blew out a flat, unenthusiastic note towards the camera pickup of the robot, as the scaled creature frantically swung the rattle about. With that, the robot turned, and marched off towards another person who was having trouble with his kazoo.

"Man, thanks a lot!" The scaled creature said, reaching out to shake Lance's hand. When Lance gave his hand up, the scaled creature shook it rapidly, saying, "But, uh, if you were immortal, why did you bother to blow it yourself?"

"And get my clothes chewed up? Hell with that. What is it with all the noise and the counter, anyways?"

"Well, the boss thinks it's good for employee moral if they share in the sense of triumph he recieves every time he continues in his quest to stomp out all that's good in the universe. Again though, I gotta thank you."

"Uh, I was also wondering why you had a noisemaker, when you should know by now you can't use it." Lance asked with a frown.

'That's not my fault. You have to use whatever noise device you're given. To maintain the harmony, you understand. And nearly nobody is brave enough to trade 'em... if the boss catches you, will, that's it, you'll snuff it. Just like that."

"Huh. Anyways, what's your name? And, uh, what are you?"

The scaled creature grinned. "My name's Darkhorse, I'm what's referred to as a Pterid. You can call me DHP, if you want. Or Darkhorse. Or Darkie, but some people might think that's racist, and nobody wants that. Or Horsie, I guess, but then people will think I'm giving you piggy-back rides all the time like some little kid. Or maybe Pterie? Sort of like a petri dish, but, uh, completely different. Except that I guess I do hold some bacteria, I mean, who doesn't? And-"

Lance swiftly broke in, "Okay, okay! I get it, Dark. My name's Lance." He paused, considering the Pterid. "So tell me, what're you doing here?"

Dark started to speak when the buzzer sounded again. The rattle was picked up and shook. Even as he did, he went on, "Well, I, uh, can't exactly tell you. Partly I'm working to get enough money for... for something. The thing I can't tell you about. Once I have the money, I can hire some people here, to, er. Y'know."

"Yeah, the thing you can't tell me."

"Bingo."

"Look, Dark... You know, I could use somebody to watch my back around here. I have a feeling that I might get skunked one of these days... and I don't really have a lot more to use my paycheck towards. What do you say?"

"It's the least I can do." Dark said with a smile. "Now, when do I start watching your back?"

"Uh, right now." Lance said, taking a generous bite of his cheesecake.

"Oh, well then, my first duty will be to tell you that that's not cheesecake."

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Across the room, Muerte VII was still eating his babyback ribs, watching idly as Lance spit out a mouthful of cake and frantically wiped at his tongue with his napkin, at least until the Pterid said something about 'that napkin's not made out of cloth'.

Slowly, the shadow behead Muerte grew thicker, until it was the size of a man. From it issued a quiet murmur, "Now, look at how he's already abusing the gifts I've given him, hiring that little gimp on! You'll have to watch him close for me, Muerte. Very close indeed."

Muerte nodded without looking up, a hand casually sliding down to his hip to check on the safety strap on his pistol. Yeah, this was a duty he could come to like.

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At that very moment, t.ogre was waking up on the table to which he'd been strapped. Most of his wounds were partly healed by advanced technology, but the powerful anesthetics which still swirled through his system left him heavily dazed. Slowly his eyes blinked open, only barely able to make out the smeared blur of a accoustic-tiled ceiling, and a face.

"How are you doing today, Mister t.ogre?" Asked the Rock.

t.ogre blinked.

"Well, he's awake, I just saw him blink." Said another Rock.

"Indeed, he did. Phil can see the blink, even from where Phil diligently mops the corner of this chamber." Said a third Rock.

t.ogre blinked again.

"There's another one. If he keeps this up we could get a rhythm going." Said a fourth Rock.

t.ogre muttered thickly, "Holy shit... I'm... I'm in hell! Lance killed me, and I'm in hell!"

"Now, now. Relax, Mister Wrestler Man. We'll put you back under so you can finish healing up." Said one of the Rocks. He gave a nod to another Rock, saying, "Go ahead and inject him, Muerte."

That Rock nodded, and stepped forward. He branished a syringe with a needle the length of a pool cue.

"Gah! Get away from me with that thing!" t.ogre blurted, recoiling.

"Don't worry, t.ogre." His voice blurred then through the ringing in his ears, but t.ogre could've sworn the man said, "The Rock says, this won't sting a bit."

t.ogre's vision turned red, and that's about all he remembers about THAT.

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"Right this way, Lance, you'll see your experimentees. We've got both Brandt and t.ogre in their number, as well as a few others you might recognize. We were going to bring in this being, Nnirk, who is some form of demon. He's far too dangerous, however... we're keeping him in isolation for now."

"That's fine. Only demon I've got a beef with is Krinn anyways, not this Nnirk guy." Lance said as they jogged down the stairs into the experimentation wing, followed closely by Darkhorse.

"Alright. Annnnd... here we are." With a flourish, he pushed open the double doors, to reveal a scene of carnage. Doctors, nurses, and guards groaned and clutched at themselves. Many were bent into pretzels or twisted into knots of various complex types, from sheepshanks to Fruedian slipknots. One man had been Senton-bombed through his own face. This man, Lance realized, was Muerte. Or... what was left of him, anyways.

Lance rounded on his employer, asking coldly, "What the hell happened?"

The shadowy figure scowled. "The bastard must have escaped." Keying his cellphone, he snapped, "Muerte! Mobilize the security team to find t.ogre! And shoot yourself for incompetance!" Lance heard a gunshot from the cellphone as the shadow flipped it shut.

"I don't mind telling you, this really does very little to inspire me about the quality of your word." Lance said with deceptive softness.

"Yeah! Ye great sod!" Darkhorse snapped in support.

His employer made placating gestures. "Now, now, Lance. Look here, on the other restraint tables. For whatever reason, perhaps in a delirium, t.ogre failed to notice and free his compatriots. See, Brandt Delacroix, and Oniko... old friends of yours, I trust?"

Lance nodded, his eyes narrowing to slits.

The man went on. "These are Max and Viper, new compatriots to these fools... other sinners, for you to punish, hm?"

Lance began to nod reluctantly. There was still some good to be done here.

"And here, on the end, two new... 'friends'. Fools whom you will teach never to follow down the path of corruption which these others have followed. This is Alair," he said, gesturing at one of the tables near the end. This one held a pretty girl that stood perhaps 5'10" (when standing upright and not drugged to the gills), with brown hair and green eyes. "A psychic visitor from the future, I've, er, borrowed her from her parent corporation for this experiment. Don't worry, Self-Inserts are largely immune to psychic powers."

Moving past her, the shadow gestured at the last table. "This is Sherlock." Sherlock proved to be an anthromorph, like Lance... except his yiffytype was that of a feline rather than vulpine. It would have stood a little above average, with thick fur and a long tail. "This one's an alien, a martial artist, able to use ESP and ice magic- kind of a furry grab-bag."

Darkhorse said, sharply, "Now, sir, it's sexual harassment to refer to this person's scrotum as a 'furry grab-bag'."

For a long moment, the shadowy man stared at Darkhorse, before saying, perhaps more sharply, "These will be your experiments for now, until t.ogre is recovered and can be forcably introduced to pain once more. Now, head for the portal room, they will send you to the site of your experiment. By the time you get there, your experimentees will already be in their place."

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Only a few minutes later, Lance and Darkhorse walked out of the portal and came out just outside of their new home for the next few... hours, perhaps.

About them was a low hill coated thickly with wild grass, whispering and rustling dramatically as the cold wind whisked through it. Behind them stood a huge mansion, a beautiful and ancient structure which loomed over the landscape. Somehow it was vaguely forboding, its gothic windows staring out balefully at a human world too cowardly to intrude on this forsaken place. Beside the entrance, a bronze plaque was set in stone, and it read in high, arching letters: WINDSWEPT MANOR.

"Well, isn't this overdramatic?" Darkhorse commented.

"Yeah, no shit. Let's get inside before we catch cold." Lance said, rubbing his hands together as he stepped up towards the door.

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At that moment, in the theater, Brandt was struggling to wake up. "Ugh... what hit me? This time, I mean."

He didn't really expect an answer, so it made him jolt with surprise when Oniko said, idly, "I think a 20cc dose of sodium runningjokitol. I could be wrong though. Maybe it was 30ccs of hackneyed contrividen. I really gotta catch up on my ER before I can be sure."

"Oniko? You're here?" Brandt croaked, lifting his head and prying open his eyes.

"Yep. Not just me, either! See, there's Max. Poor dumb fucker. And Viper. Remember them?" Those two waved as Oniko mentioned their names, the latter already holding a Mega-Ultra-Large cup of Bloaty Cola and taking long sips from the straw.

"Uh." Brandt's brow furrowed. "No, why should I?"

Oniko sighed, muttering, "Man, I envy your coping skills. Anyways, everybody, this is Brandt "Bishie" Delacroix. I know he looks all cute an' innocent an' kitten-like, but you'll want to stay the fuck out of reach, anyways. Trust me."

"Hi, Brandt. I envy your coping skills too." Alair said sourly. "I wouldn't mind forgetting being kidnapped and held in what looks like a Victorian era theater. Do you know what they did to women in Victorian times? I read all about it in history class!" Alair said.

"No. Please. Tell us all about it." Sherlock muttered tiredly. He lay back in his seat, clutching his head. Apparently, sodium runningjokitol caused migraines in his species.

"Oh, well, see, they'd take women, and grind them up into pate, and-"

The intercom crackled to life. "That'll be quite enough of this chatter!" A familiar voice growled.

Brandt blinked, shooting up straight. "Lance...?" He whispered under his breath. Oniko shot him a confused look.

There was a smile in Lance's voice as he continued, "That's right, you evil little bastard! I'm baaaack!" A dramatic chord played.

Brandt blurted, "You can't be... I annihilated you!" When the others in the theater gave him an odd look, he added hurriedly, "It was an accident, I swear."

"Jesus, you just have to blow up everything, don'cha?" Oniko asked irritably.

"Accident my ass... now everybody park it! I'm about to show you a god-awful fic and you dipshits are going to get to watch every single second of it. You try to squeeze your eyes shut to stop the pain, you get killed. You piss me off, you get killed. You spill your popcorn, you get killed. In fact, come to think of it, practically anything you do can and will get you killed." Lance paused, before crooning, "Especially you, Brandt. Go ahead, boy. Make a pun for me. Make my fuckin' day."

Brandt shuddered, muttering, "Yeah, uh... thanks for the offer, but I think I'll just sit here. Quietly."

"Oh? What about the rest of you?" Lance purred.

Everyone called back hurriedly, "Oh, that's okay- that's fine, we're good- yeah, what the pussy said- you mean me?- no, Sherlock, I mean Brandt, he's a pussy- Oh, I see, he DOES look kind of limpwristed-"

"Okay! Shut up! It's show time!" Lance called out, before looking over at Darkhorse. "Hit the switch, my lackey."

"Can do, Mister L." Darkhorse said with a toothy grin, hitting the On switch that was well within Lance's reach.

The riffers took their seats as the screen began to scroll the classic 10...9...8...7...6...

"Just to warn you guys, you may want to secure some suicide methods," Max said casually.

"What?" Alair demanded. "Oh, come on, it can't be THAT bad..."

"That's what everybody thinks their first time," Brandt muttered defeatedly.

...5...4...3...2...1...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Posted on Feb 25, 2004, 10:52 PM
from IP address 172.171.52.142

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*Well* now.

by Lysander (no login)

So I think, "Hmm, maybe I should check the QS MiSTing board?" Then I thought "Naaaaah, nothing ever happens there." And then I thought "But why not check anyway?"

And I find... this.

You, my man, are a funny, funny person. I conceed to your infanitly supperior humor gland. Awesome.

As far as length is concerned, I, personally, would not worry about it. I've never complained that something's too long; if its funny, I just want more of it. Hell, when I was reading MOT I actually looked forward to the skits more than the MiSTing of the fic itself.

So... yeah. Good work there. Give Thief a sex treat. Or something. Just... away from me, please.

Posted on Feb 26, 2004, 10:52 AM
from IP address 208.151.120.30

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That, sir, was a work of art. [nt]

by Schwere Viper (no login)

...even if I was unusually quiet.

Posted on Feb 27, 2004, 6:07 AM
from IP address 211.26.98.3

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I hate your rotten, filthy, stinking guts...

by Shade (no login)

But mainly because this makes what I had written look like the collective works of RyogaMKN.

Nice going, Chim-Chim. Yes, Lance was *mad* out-of-character, but I forgive it because he's been that way from the start and I never did anything about it, and the fact that he's (more) insane this episode.

Plus the fact that it was the funniest Goddamn thing I've read in years.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go wallow in my own feelings of inadequacy.

Posted on Feb 27, 2004, 11:50 PM
from IP address 152.163.253.3

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Hey, hey, don't feel inadaquete, I liked your extro for ep 104.

by Chimera (no login)

Anyways, if you've got any specific dialogue/mannerism changes to make Lance a little more in character, I'd do my best to incorporate it. (Though of course as you said, keeping in mind that he's undergone a fairly mind-warping experience.)

Posted on Feb 28, 2004, 10:01 PM
from IP address 172.149.6.142

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Naw, don't worry about it.

by Shade (no login)

And, for the record, the extro to ep 103 didn't do much other then get through that part of the story with a few laughs. You, you can do that with thick layers of funny.

I'm just not a humor writer, s'all.

Posted on Feb 29, 2004, 12:28 AM
from IP address 64.12.96.198

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Intro 1.2. (99% of the changes are in the last bit). Avatars talk more, theater described.

by Chimera (no login)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Another day in oblivion.

Slowly his eyes crept open, staring up at an infinite expanse of shimmering randomness. It was like melting watercolors, dancing on all sides. The formless effluvia of uncountable alternate realities.

It really looses its charm after you're there for almost a week, it really, really does. Also it tends to have very odd effects on the functionality of the brain.

But on the plus side, he wasn't there alone.

"You certainly are not!" Said the shape which loomed up into his vision on the left side.

"Why, good morning Mister Shirt," Lance said cheerfully.

"Top o' the mornin' to you too, Lance m'boy!" Mister Shirt said in his thick Irish accent that often wandered into a Scottish accent. "You're looking well today. Not insane at all!"

"Nope! Perfectly sane."

"Perfectly!"

"Running on an even keel."

"As sound as cottage cheese lying on the sandwalk in August."

"Abso-yessie-posi-lutely!"

"Wait, which one of us is which, again? I lost track."

This happened far more often than it probably should.

"That last one was you, Lance." Pantsie said as he loomed in from the right, his zipper-lined mouth working as he spoke. "You can tell, because, you know. No accent. Also, there's the lack of buttons. And I don't think you're a 50/50 Cotton/Nylon blend. At least, not yet."

"You're right! I'm no more than 25% cotton, if I remember my biology correctly. And the only button I have, I got after that drinking contest, and- well, nevermind that. What is it we were planning to do today?"

"What do we always do, Pantsie?" Mister Shirt said, his buttons forming a grin.

Pantsie danced about. "Try to take over the worl-"

Mister Shirt and Lance took turns bitchslapping him.

"Sorry, I lost my head. Hm... I say we look at the clouds of nothingness and see what beautiful shapes we can make out."

This was, in fact, what he did every day. Every damn day. Every goddamn, stinking, worthless day. Partly because not long ago he'd lost the energy to stand, and was reduced to lying on his back. This didn't do much to reduce the view, it was the same in the other directions, too... so he didn't mind it any.

It was Lance's turn to start. "Well, let's see, that up there? That looks like t.ogre being bent over by a hydraulic press until his spine caves, forcing his face into his own sphincter, and as he dies, he can feel his ass-muscles twitching and clenching feebly around his own nose from the agony."

"Hey yeah, I can see that, laddie! That little thing off to the side being the bloodspurt, right?"

"Right in one, Mister Shirt," Lance said with a friendly smile. "And that, that there, that's Brandt being thrown into a men's maximum security prison due to some bureaucratic error, where he comes to understand the meaning of suffering at the hands of dozens if not hundreds of large, lonely prisoners, none of whom have so much as a liquid ounce of lube, not one of which wants to just cuddle, until the very sight of his body makes the guards puke and blood oozes from every orifice, and-"

"Not that we have anything against gay people," Pantsie hurriedly put in.

"Oh, no! Not at all," Lance agreed.

"Except that little asshole Brandt," Pantsie added. Pantsie was a good egg. Helped remind him of his hatreds. And God knows, there's not much else that'll keep you alive for almost a week despite a lack of food or water. Except maybe a long marathon of Babylon 5.

"Now, what about THAT cloud?" Mister Shirt querried.

"THAT one is a large dark menacing Latino man in evil-looking armor carved with cabalistic symbols and adorned with handcrafted fetishes undoubtedly gleaned from the butchered remains of the many foes he has felled in battle."

"Hola, Lance," the man said.

"Oooh, and this cloud TALKS!" Pantsie called cheerfully.

The man drew a sizable handgun, pointing it at Pantsie.

"It talks AND it has a gun! That's so cool!" Pantsie crowed. Then Pantsie added, "Ouch!" as he was blasted into a shredded cloud of fabric. Lance blinked down at his now-bared arm where it still hung in midair, fingers still cupped as if using the pants-puppet's zipper for a mouth.

"You son of a bitch! Get him, Mister Shirt!" Lance snapped, and hurled his shirt at the man.

Mister Shirt grabbed ahold of the intruder in their little rainbow world, violently wrestling back and forth with him, trying to get his sleeves up and around the man's murderous neck. All the while he shouted, "Suck my shilegleah, ye bloody gaffertoad!" And then something about, "Ye gonna ready yerself to be kissin' me blarney stones now, laddie!?" And then finally, as he reared up, about to triumphantly break his foe's neck, he screamed out, "ERIN GO BRALESS, MOTHERFUCKA-"

Except that it was about then that the man annoyedly tore Mister Shirt in half.

"AAAAGHH! YOU MURDEROUS BASTARD! HE'S GOT TWO LITTLE VESTS AND AN UNDERSHIRT AT HOME WHO DEPEND ON HIM!" Lance roared.

Mister Undies made as if to enter the fray, but the man pointed his gun at Lance's crotch, snapping, "Your Fruit of the Looms better stand down, boy!" Then transferred his aim to Lance's face.

Mister Undies decided that discretion was the better part of valor. He always HAD been a bit of a coward. Lance, however, was still pissed... waving his arms. "Yeah, big man, threatening a guy wasted away by hunger and thirst. Just come into reach! I'll teach you not to kill helpless pants in the prime of their lives-"

The man interrupted, saying sharply, "Shut up! I'm here to get you OUT of here!"

That stopped him short. After a moment, Lance asked slowly, "...You are? Just who ARE you?"

"My name is Willias Muerte IV... they call me the Great Death."

"Well Bob, let's get the fuck out of here."

Muerte gave Lance a hard look, before activating his hands-free mic and murmuring, "Going to need a planar bridge for two." He paused, as Lance waved Mister Undies wildly. Muerte sighed and added, "Make that three."

To Lance, he snapped, "Now put those back on!" Another pause, before he said into the radio, "No, no! Not you, sir! Not at all. Him." Muerte sighed, and said defeatedly, "Yes, sir."

Turning the radio off, Muerte scowled at Lance. "Are you happy now? I have to shoot myself as punishment for snapping at the boss." With that, he put his gun to his head, and blew everything from his neck up into a fine pink mist. His headless body stayed balanced and upright a moment more, before slumping to the side.

Lance blinked for a moment at the corpse, before grinning broadly, and saying, "Yes, I am. Thank you." Then a great wrenching force took hold of him and he blacked out.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Nnnnng..." Lance groaned out.

"It's the return of gravity that did it for you, Lance m'boy. Couldn't be avoided. But you'll be fine, now." A deep, cultured voice murmured.

"Nnnnng...?" Lance queried.

"Yes, really. You've had a dunk in our Saiyan Rejuvenation Chamber. We've got nutrients and such being pumped into you as we speak, and there's aromatherapy candles; Margerie, my acupuncturist, has all of your chi points properly stimulated; Terrance has given you a deeply clensing high colonic; Bobby's given that matted fur of yours a restorative shampooing and styling; Hadji has flensed your chakras with his ritual knives; and Akiko, my personal masseuse, is now giving you an extremely, extremely thorough massage with my favorite hand-mixed brand of warming cinnamon oils."

"Mmmmmm..." Lance groaned again, this time for entirely different reasons.

"She does have quite a nice touch, doesn't she?"

"Ooooohhh." Lance nodded in agreement. This was helping his mood, a lot.

"Okay, now that you're feeling better, I have a few words to say to you."

"Hnnnnn...?" Lance asked drowsily.

"t.ogre. Brandt Delacroix. Puns."

Lance shot up to a seated position instantly, jangling the IV bags hooked into his veins and the hundreds of slender steel needles sticking out of his skin, cinnamon massage oil dripping off his fur. His voice was a rumbling growl. "What?"

Though he was instantly aware, his eyes were more reluctant to work, after untold time staring into a shimmering rainbow hell. Where the other speaker stood, Lance could only make out a tall, slender shadow. At head level, he could make out a pair of reflections of himself... mirrored sunglasses, he realized after a moment. The man said, mildly, "I have an offer for you. If you come to work for me, help in my experiments, then you'll get those two. In chains, humiliated, heads on a platter, however you like. And I'll see to it that you're paid for your time, a mercenary of your caliber should hardly leave here penniless, correct?" There was a slight pause, before he added cheerfully, "If you don't agree, I toss you back into the void and shut the door forever. What do you say?"

For a short moment, Lance blinked at the other man, before asking, simply, "Well fuck, what do you think I'm going to say?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not too long later, the the shadowy man and Lance were both riding through the corridors of the huge base Lance had woken in. As to where the base was, or its purpose, Lance could not even guess. Often they would pass by unbreakable one-way windows looking into isolated labs, and in each a different and odd activity was taking place. It wasn't easy to glimpse their contents, given the pace of the exquisitely endowed centaurs they were riding. The shadowy man had the female and availed himself of the useful handholds, Lance found himself clinging as best he could to the male without getting too grossed out. At least Lance himself wasn't naked for the ride... he'd been supplied with replacements for Mister Shirt and Pantsie, may their souls rest in peace.

"Uh, so... what about these things we're riding, here?" Lance finally had to ask.

"Oh, these? The last two centaurs in existance," his new patron said casually.

"The last?"

"Oh yes. I had all of the others annihilated. That makes this mated pair that much more valuable."

"...right," Lance found himself muttering, directing his attention to the lab they were passing. Inside, it was filled with water, and half a dozen dolphins therein swam about. They seemed to be encapsulated in streamlined body armor, with strapped-on torpedo launchers and laser guns, and were at the moment murdering largely helpless elderly swimmers.

Lance started to ask, but the shadowy man seemed to have detected the direction of Lance's gaze and smirked, saying, "Hey, a species can only tolerate being petted and squeaked at by pink bipedal freaks for so long. I'm just helping them get revenge."

"For a small fee." Lance said astutely.

"For certain services, actually," He said brightly. "You'd be astonished how much money can be made when I'm the biggest supplier of cute dolphins to the beastiality community. Care for one yourself? You look like you could still stand to unwind."

"Uh, put me down for 'none'. In fact, less than none, if that's at all possible."

"Oh, sure it's possible." He flipped open his cellphone and murmured into it, "Willias, have several dolphins killed for Lance, would you?"

A deep male voice answered promptly, "Will do, Mister R!" In the background there was the sound of a chainsaw and pained squeaks.

When Lance gave the man a horrified look, he seemed to misinterpret. "Oh, don't worry, I can feed the carcasses into my vegetarian chili. No real loss. But we'd best get rid of the witness. Willias? Kill yourself." From over the phone, there was a muffled sigh and a single gunshot.

"...right." Lance suspected he'd be saying that a lot. "So just where are we goi- what the hell's going on in there?"

Following the direction of Lance's pointed finger, the other man said innocently, "Why, that's our infant research center."

"Infant research!? But that's a barbeque! And those are real baby-back ribs! With what appears to be a delicious smokey barbeque sauce being applied to them!"

"Food companies have to research into undiscovered taste sensations all the time. Besides, you didn't say a thing about what you had at breakfast." Seeming to sense a little unease (not to mention nausea) growing in his companion, the man went on grandly, "Look, Lance. The thing is that I have obligations. An obligation to my stockholders, to the universal economy, and to myself. Perhaps a few people get hurt in the process, but somebody has to do it. Somebody has to train the next generation of serial killers via intensive sensory deprivation and virtual reality; somebody has to teach cats how to steal the breath of small children; somebody has to distribute the 'Go Crazy' pills to postal workers, Republicans, and scientists; somebody had to tip Falwell off about those damn gay Teletubbies; somebody had to cancel Star Trek; somebody had to co-ordinate rifle fire from the grassy knoll; somebody had to be there to sell those xenomorph eggs to that kindergarten; and damnit, somebody had to be there to craft and orchestrate that whole religious movement about two thousand years ago-"

"Hey, look, as long as I come out of here with the memories of Brandt and t.ogre's hideous deaths, I can overlook a whole lot of things." Lance paused, glancing into the next window, and shuddered. "A whole lot of big things, even when they're humping each other."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"This is the portal room. Here, my technicians will project you to t.ogre's location. Go ahead and jump in." He gestured with a flourish.

"Uh, it looks like a giant industrial blender."

"Those are just the trans-universal tachyon emitting rotors. Oh, and nevermind the blood smeared along the walls."

Lance growled. "Fucksake. Fine. I don't care. Let's get this thing started."

Anonymous techs began to push buttons, levers were pulled, and the rotors at the far end of the tunnel began to spin into blurred discs. The motor gave off a high, whining howl, and breeze coming from the rotors to play across Lance's fur.

Lance started forward, but the man caught his arm, saying mildly, "Hold on, one last thing you're going to need sooner or later, Lance m'boy. Here." He held out a rather fancy wristwatch, "You're going to want to guard this very carefully."

"Why?" Lance asked, taking the watch. "Does it have a stopwatch function?"

The man frowned, faintly. "No, it do- okay, actually, it does, now that I think about it. But the main function is to switch your soul-toggle to Evil Self-Insertion Mode."

Lance blinked, twisting to look over at the other. "What?"

"Well, at the moment, you're in Heel-Turn Villian Mode, which isn't an infrequent upgrade for many Anti-Heroes. This means that you're going to inevitably either be defeated, because all villians get theirs in the end, or you're going to be converted back to good through some contrived method. Usually this entails a blow to the head to 'fix' your brain, a'la just about every cartoon in the 80's. Or possibly it will involve a few hackneyed, cliche-laiden speeches to remind you of the honor and glory you used to be party to. Or God forbid, a fucking intervention. In other words, no matter what, you're screwed."

Lance stared blankly, so the man went on.

"This, however, will turn you into an Evil Self-Insertion. This means that the author clearly favors you and thus you'll win out in virtually any situation. Hell, it would take god-like power to even cause you mild humiliation, and this will always be quickly retified. You'll be simply unbeatable... and we won't have to worry about a repeat of those last.... incidents."

Lance considered the watch, before asking in a dazed tone, "Are there any side-effects?"

"Mainly there's the problem that you'll come up with a really shitty catchphrase and you'll spout it at least once or twice an episode just before facing off with somebody. You'll want to watch out for that."

"Huh." Lance strapped the watch securely around his wrist. "I don't feel any different. Except there's this sudden odd rush of confidance and feelings of omnipotence."

"Yeah, you'll get that. Now, get along in there and kick t.ogre's ass."

Lance nodded, and started into the portal.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At that moment, the furthest thing from t.ogre's mind was Lance, or bad movies, or even wrestling.

"Go, Frodo! RUUUN!" t.ogre bellowed as he brought Whack, the ancient elven runic steel chair, up over his head, threatening the horrid thing advancing from the cave mouth towards them on its many legs. The chair glowed with a cold blue light.

"But t, you're sure to be killed!" Frodo protested where he stood at t.ogre's side with his sword Sting, the blade glowing like t.ogre's.

"This? This is nothing after a hardcore Dusty Rhodes match! Go!"

Frodo hesitated a moment more, before nodding and darting off behind t.ogre. t.ogre gave a grin and murmured, "Okay, you son of a bitch, now that we're alone. Let's finish this so I can stop feeling like such a goddamn nerd for being here."

As if understanding him, the horror rose up on its hind hairs, displaying its glue-sticky underbelly and waving tangled tendrils of hair. A thick growl came out of it, that almost sounded like words, given in a strange, stacatto pattern. "You... DO NOT... understand, how badly... I will kick your... ass... you... wrestling pussy..."

t.ogre growled low. "You damn evil hairpiece, I don't even know how you got away from William Shatner, but he'll have to go to hell to get you back!" And with that, he charged, his chair coming around... only to see the hairpiece get suddenly pierced from behind by the slim blade of a katana. "What? ...LANCE!?"

The mercenary fox-man stepped from the shadows, slinging the hairpiece from the tip of his katana into the darkness. t.ogre's eyes involentarily followed its flightpath... how had Lance killed this unkillable beast with such supernatural ease? His gaze shot back to Lance, as the mercenary took up an offensive stance, whispering coldly, "Finally, my revenge be upon ye, t.ogre. Justice's blade shall not be merciful!" With this, he leapt at t.ogre, his katana slashing out.

t.ogre does not remember the fight well, only in pictures. Memories of being helplessly slapped around with the flat of Lance's sword, of having his flesh being playfully slashed in a dozen places, his clothes cut away. In the end, he lay dazed and nearly dead on the floor of the cave. A contemptuous flick of Lance's sword caught Whack and tossed it aside. The katana leapt up with supernatural agility to press gently beneath t.ogre's chin. The wrestler instinctively lifted his head back from the lethal edge, but the sword moved with, touching lightly on his skin.

"Now... you die." Lance murmured softly, starting to very, very slowly push his sword forward. He wanted this to last.

"Excellent job, Lance! Now step away so we can secure the prisoner."

Under normal circumstances, Lance would have ignored the voice, or simply thrust home in order to ensure that he got his kill before he was restrained. Except that this voice reduced him to gasping, his eyes bugging out as he stammered, "Muerte!?"

"Willias Muerte VI. At your service. Now put the pointy down so we can torture him inhumanely, okay?"

Lance's eyes narrowed coldly. "We can't take that risk. I have to destroy him now!"

"Do I get a say in this?" t.ogre slurred out weakly.

"Are you fucking kidding? Somebody portal him outta here." Muerte said drily, before a portal sprung open and swallowed up t.ogre just as Lance was pushing his sword home. The swordblade thrust through the glow impotently, drawing no blood.

Lance rounded on Muerte, hissing through gritted teeth, "My revenge be upon ye, Muerte! Justice's blade shall not be merciful!" And proceeded to slit Muerte from his buttocks to his neck and rip his spine out. Blinking down at the bloody spine, he muttered, "Okay, maybe that was going too far." Then a portal took hold of him and stole him away.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"What the hell was that!?" Lance demanded as he popped back into the shadowed man's base.

"I told you, Lance. You can have him AFTER I'm done with him, not before." He held up a hand, grinning broadly. "I can assure you, Lance... we will not be doing anything to him that he will enjoy. Consider it some small compensation for his sins before you deliver the coup de grace."

"Koo day grah?"

"It's a French thing. You're too manly to get it. Nevermind. Why not have a drink in the Employee Lounge, I'll call you when we need you again."

With a frustrated sigh, Lance nodded his agreement and started down the stairs he was directed towards.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The lounge turned out to be somewhat like Lance envisioned, having spent some time in the interdimensional nexus that was Dream City. Creatures of all manner and description ranged throughout the immense chamber. The walls were drab green concrete, the floor was tiled in an unrecoverably stained white, and the ceiling was coated in accoustic panels and banks of flourescent lights even MORE stained. There was only one feature in the room (apart from the long cafeteria counter, cash registers, tables, and their occupants, and some doors to get in and out of room, and all the litter, and... look, you get the goddamn idea), and this was a huge digital display high up on one wall. It worked much like a stadium scoreboard, using backlit red dots. At the moment it was displaying a counter that currently read at 27 seconds. A little board next to the counter read, "Time Since Last World Consumed".

At 29 seconds, the timer restarted at 00:00:00. Before it got to 00:00:13, it restarted again. Each time it did, a ear-shatteringly loud buzzer would sound and balloons and party streamers would flood down from the ceiling, and all of the occupants of the room would absently pick up a nearby horn or rattle or noisemaker or kazoo and use it passionlessly. Then they would set it down, flick the streamers and balloons off their food (or not, depending on how picky they were) and go on eating.

After a moment of staring, Lance shrugged inwardly and went to the counter. He steered a wide birth around the baby back ribs and vegetarian chilli, considered the haggis before deciding that the odds of it being from an actual sheep were miniscule. And besides, he wasn't nearly crazy enough to eat it if it were real. In the end, he settled for a slice of cheesecake drizzled with cherry sauce. As he got to the register, they waved him through without a charge, though one person shoved a rattle in his free hand before he could avoid it.

Turning resignedly, he looked out over the cafeteria for a place to sit down.

Off to one side, Muerte waved, smiling. Lance studiously, even meticulously ignored him and headed for one of a pair of empty seats. As he started that way, a small winged creature took one of them. It seemed to be some kind of reptile judging from its scaley nature. And it could have, if Lance were less of a wuss, been described as 'cute'. He/she/it was having what looked like a slice of pizza, holding the slice with its tail as it greeted friends. Set on the plate still was a noisemaker with a colorful paper roll.

Lance sat beside it, setting down his rattle and plate, and was just about to take a bite from his cheesecake when the buzzer went off. He winced, glaring up at the counter.

"Oh hell. Oh bloody hell. Oh bloody hell!" The creature beside him muttered with growing panic. His thick British accent was apparent despite the fear lacing his tone. He had set the noisemaker to his lips and was blowing it with greater and greater desperation. His snout, however, refused to form a tight enough seal, and all he got were hissing noises. Lance blinked over at him, wondering what the fuss was.

That's when the shadow fell over them. "PLEASE MAKE USE OF YOUR NOISEMAKER. YOU HAVE 20 SECONDS TO COMPLY." Lance whipped around and found himself staring down the barrel of a 7.62mm machine gun, mounted on the side of an immense bipedal robot.

He snorted, asking sardonically, "Don't you know the boss says I'm immortal?" Beside him, the scaled thing counterpointed Lance's bravado with quick blowing hisses.

"YOUR CIVIL RIGHTS ARE CURRENTLY REVOKED. YOU HAVE FIFTEEN SECONDS TO COMPLY."

"Fuck... you better do what he says, man!" The scaled creature blurted, before going back to blowing into his noisemaker.

"IF YOU CANNOT AFFORD A COFFIN, A MASS GRAVE WILL BE APPOINTED FOR YOU. YOU HAVE TEN SECONDS TO COMPLY."

Lance eyed his rattle, eyed the scaled creature's noisemaker, before casually swapping the two.

"AMMUNITION SELECTION COMPLETED - CYANIDE-TIPPED MEGA-EXPLOSIVE NITROGLYCERINE HYPERVELOCITY SHELLS SELECTED. YOU HAVE FIVE SECONDS TO COMPLY."

Setting the noisemaker to his more flexible snout, he blew out a flat, unenthusiastic note towards the camera pickup of the robot, as the scaled creature frantically swung the rattle about. With that, the robot turned, and marched off towards another person who was having trouble with his kazoo.

"Man, thanks a lot!" The scaled creature said, reaching out to shake Lance's hand. When Lance gave his hand up, the scaled creature shook it rapidly, saying, "But, uh, if you were immortal, why did you bother to blow it yourself?"

"And get my clothes chewed up? Hell with that. What is it with all the noise and the counter, anyways?"

"Well, the boss thinks it's good for employee moral if they share in the sense of triumph he recieves every time he continues in his quest to stomp out all that's good in the universe. Again though, I gotta thank you."

"Uh, I was also wondering why you had a noisemaker, when you should know by now you can't use it." Lance asked with a frown.

'That's not my fault. You have to use whatever noise device you're given. To maintain the harmony, you understand. And nearly nobody is brave enough to trade 'em... if the boss catches you, well, that's it, you'll snuff it. Just like that."

"Huh. Anyways, what's your name? And, uh, what are you?"

The scaled creature grinned. "My name's Darkhorse, I'm what's referred to as a Pterid. You can call me DHP, if you want. Or Darkhorse. Or Darkie, but some people might think that's racist, and nobody wants that. Or Horsie, I guess, but then people will think I'm giving you piggy-back rides all the time like some little kid. Or maybe Pterie? Sort of like a petri dish, but, uh, completely different. Except that I guess I do hold some bacteria, I mean, who doesn't? And-"

Lance swiftly broke in, "Okay, okay! I get it, Dark. My name's Lance." He paused, considering the Pterid. "So tell me, what're you doing here?"

Dark started to speak when the buzzer sounded again. The rattle was picked up and shook. When Dark gave him a look, Lance rolled his eyes and gave a bland toot on his noisemaker. Even as he did, Dark went on, "Well, I, uh, can't exactly tell you. Partly I'm working to get enough money for... for something. The thing I can't tell you about. Once I have the money, I can hire some people here, to, er. Y'know."

"Yeah, the thing you can't tell me."

"Bingo."

"Look, Dark... You know, I could use somebody to watch my back around here. I have a feeling that I might get skunked one of these days... and I don't really have a lot more to use my paycheck towards. What do you say?"

"It's the least I can do." Dark said with a smile. "Now, when do I start watching your back?"

"Uh, right now." Lance said, taking a generous bite of his cheesecake.

"Oh, well then, my first duty will be to tell you that that's not cheesecake."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Across the room, Muerte VII was still eating his babyback ribs, watching idly as Lance spat out a mouthful of cake and frantically wiped at his tongue with his napkin, at least until the Pterid said something about 'that napkin's not made out of cloth'.

Slowly, the shadow behead Muerte grew thicker, until it was the size of a man. From it issued a quiet murmur, "Now, look at how he's already abusing the gifts I've given him, hiring that little gimp on! You'll have to watch him close for me, Muerte. Very close indeed."

Muerte nodded without looking up, a hand casually sliding down to his hip to check on the safety strap on his pistol. Yeah, this was a duty he could come to like.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At that very moment, t.ogre was waking up on the table to which he'd been strapped. Most of his wounds were partly healed by advanced technology, but the powerful anesthetics which still swirled through his system left him heavily dazed. Slowly his eyes blinked open, only barely able to make out the smeared blur of a accoustic-tiled ceiling, and a face.

"How are you doing today, Mister t.ogre?" Asked the Rock.

t.ogre blinked.

"Well, he's awake, I just saw him blink." Said another Rock.

"Indeed, he did. Phil can see the blink, even from where Phil diligently mops the corner of this chamber." Said a third Rock.

t.ogre blinked again.

"There's another one. If he keeps this up we could get a rhythm going." Said a fourth Rock.

t.ogre muttered thickly, "Holy shit... I'm... I'm in hell! Lance killed me, and I'm in hell!"

"Now, now. Relax, Mister Wrestler Man. We'll put you back under so you can finish healing up." Said one of the Rocks. He gave a nod to another Rock, saying, "Go ahead and inject him, Muerte."

That Rock nodded, and stepped forward. He branished a syringe with a needle the length of a pool cue.

"Gah! Get away from me with that thing!" t.ogre blurted, recoiling.

"Don't worry, t.ogre." His voice blurred then through the ringing in his ears, but t.ogre could've sworn the man said, "The Rock says, this won't sting a bit."

t.ogre's vision turned red, and that's about all he remembers about THAT.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Right this way, Lance, you'll see your experimentees. We've got both Brandt and t.ogre in their number, as well as a few others you might recognize. We were going to bring in this being, Nnirk, who is some form of demon. He's far too dangerous, however... we're keeping him in isolation for now."

"That's fine. Only demon I've got a beef with is Krinn anyways, not this Nnirk guy." Lance said as they jogged down the stairs into the experimentation wing, followed closely by Darkhorse.

"Alright. Annnnd... here we are." With a flourish, he pushed open the double doors, to reveal a scene of carnage. Doctors, nurses, and guards groaned and clutched at themselves. Many were bent into pretzels or twisted into knots of various complex types, from sheepshanks to Fruedian slipknots. One man had been Senton-bombed through his own face. This man, Lance realized, was Muerte. Or... what was left of him, anyways.

Lance rounded on his employer, asking coldly, "What the hell happened?"

The shadowy figure scowled. "The bastard must have escaped." Keying his cellphone, he snapped, "Muerte! Mobilize the security team to find t.ogre! And shoot yourself for incompetance!" Lance heard a gunshot from the cellphone as the shadow flipped it shut.

"I don't mind telling you, this really does very little to inspire me about the quality of your word." Lance said with deceptive softness.

"Yeah! Ye great sod!" Darkhorse snapped in support.

His employer made placating gestures. "Now, now, Lance. Look here, on the other restraint tables. For whatever reason, perhaps in a delirium, t.ogre failed to notice and free his compatriots. See, Brandt Delacroix, and Oniko... old friends of yours, I trust?"

Lance, about to say something else, paused. His glare shifted away from his employer, to the tables.

The man went on. "These are Max and Viper, new compatriots to these fools... other sinners, for you to punish, hm?"

Lance began to nod reluctantly. There was still some good to be done here.

"And here, on the end, two new... 'friends'. Fools whom you will teach never to follow down the path of corruption which these others have followed. This is Alair," he said, gesturing at one of the tables near the end. This one held a pretty girl that stood perhaps 5'10" (when standing upright and not drugged to the gills), with brown hair and green eyes. "A psychic visitor from the future, I've, er, borrowed her from her parent corporation for this experiment. Don't worry, Self-Inserts are largely immune to psychic powers."

Moving past her, the shadow gestured at the last table. "This is Sherlock." Sherlock proved to be an anthromorph, like Lance... except his yiffytype was that of a feline rather than vulpine. It would have stood a little above average, with thick fur and a long tail. "This one's an alien, a martial artist, able to use ESP and ice magic- kind of a furry grab-bag."

Darkhorse said, sharply, "Now, sir, it's sexual harassment to refer to this person's scrotum as a 'furry grab-bag'."

For a long moment, the shadowy man stared at Darkhorse, before saying, perhaps more sharply, "These will be your experiments for now, until t.ogre is recaptured and can be forcably introduced to pain once more. Now, head for the portal room, they will send you to the site of your experiment. By the time you get there, your experimentees will already be in their place."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Only a few minutes later, Lance and Darkhorse walked out of the portal and came out just outside of their new home for the next few hours.

About them was a low hill coated thickly with wild grass, whispering and rustling dramatically as the cold wind whisked through it. Behind them stood a huge mansion, a beautiful and ancient structure which loomed over the landscape. Somehow it was vaguely forboding, its gothic windows staring out balefully at a human world too cowardly to intrude on this forsaken place. Beside the entrance, a bronze plaque was set in stone, and it read in high, arching letters: WINDSWEPT MANOR.

"Well, isn't this overdramatic?" Darkhorse commented.

"Yeah, no shit. Let's get inside before we catch cold." Lance said, rubbing his hands together as he stepped up towards the door.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At that moment, in the theater, Brandt was struggling to wake up. "Ugh... what hit me? This time, I mean."

He didn't really expect an answer, so it made him jolt with surprise when Oniko said, idly, "I think a 20cc dose of sodium runningjokitol. I could be wrong though. Maybe it was 30ccs of hackneyed contrividen. I really gotta catch up on my ER before I can be sure."

"Oniko?" Brandt croaked, lifting his head and prying open his eyes, seeing Oniko seated on the back of a seat not far in front of him. He was facing towards the back, idly watching the projection booth to see who had ahold of them.

Oniko smirked sardonically. "Yep. Not just me, either. Check it out, we've got company."

Next to him sat a young man with a bar clamp, staring at Oniko with fascination, and beside HIM was a crimson hedgehog that stood on two feet. Odd. On Brandt's left, a brown-haired, green-eyed woman sat. There was a tingle of psionic interferance from her, the way two radios will squeal when the antennae are flicked together. He blinked, before glancing over the other way. There was another source of psionic interferance, though the type of signature was different. It came from that catman seated near the middle aisle, surely.

Brandt muttered, "What're you doing here, Oniko...?"

"Captured at the end of the last feature. The theater of the grassy knoll was a decent change, but... look at this, man. Swanky." Oniko pointed up towards the seats. Obediently, Brandt followed his pointed finger, taking in the details of the theater as his mind started to come back together. Almost endless ranks of seats extended behind them in ascending rows. The seats were genuine wood, well-padded, apolstered with rich crimson velvety fabric. Beyond the seats, he could see the walls were covered in thick red curtains strung from the ceiling. Peeking down at them was an old-fashioned projection window, with leaded glass styled to look like an immense eye peering down at them. Brandt shuddered and looked away, back towards the front. The screen differed from what he was used to, too... much larger, with an actual stage and stage lights before it, an orchestra pit, and an old-style asbestos curtain. Above, chandeliers the size of vans hung over their heads, making him a little uneasy considering the experience of the past few hours. All in all it represented unthinkable luxury in the time most of them had been born.

"Oh my. Think about watching the 'Sound of Music', here!" Brandt breathed out, forgetting his discomfort.

"Oh something good, like Wild N Willing Wetnurses 4, the Lactinator!" Viper shouted gleefully.

"Not that you could enjoy that properly, seeing how you're not anatomically correct," Max said casually.

"Goddamnit, don't you start!" Viper snapped.

Oniko gave Brandt a look, before saying, "Anyways, say hi to our old friends, yet again. Max. Poor dumb fucker. And Viper. Remember them?" Those two waved as Oniko mentioned their names. The latter still had a pair of tank shell protruding from the back of his skull. He didn't seem to take much notice, absorbed as he was in drinking from his Mega-Ultra-Large cup of Bloaty Cola and taking long sips from the straw.

Viper grinned around his straw. "Course the boy remembers us! How can you forget me? I'm just plain unforgettable, I tell y-"

"I'm sorry, I don't remember you." Brandt interrupted gently, his brow furrowing. "Why should I?"

Max rolled his eyes, while Viper whimpered in dismay.

Oniko sighed, muttering, "Man, I envy your coping skills. Anyways, everybody, this is Brandt "Bishie" Delacroix. I know he looks all cute an' innocent an' kitten-like, but you'll want to stay the fuck out of reach, anyways. Trust me."

"Hi, Brandt. I envy your coping skills too." Alair said sourly. "I wouldn't mind forgetting being kidnapped and held in what looks like a Victorian era theater. Do you know what they did to women in Victorian times? I read all about it in history class!" Alair said.

"No. Please. Tell us all about it." Sherlock muttered tiredly. He lay back in his seat, clutching his head. Apparently, sodium runningjokitol caused migraines in his species.

"Oh, well, see, they'd take women, and grind them up into pate, and-"

The intercom crackled to life. "That'll be quite enough of this chatter!" A familiar voice growled.

Brandt blinked, shooting up straight. "Lance...?" He whispered under his breath. Oniko shot him a confused look.

There was a smile in Lance's voice as he continued, "That's right, you evil little bastard! I'm baaaack!" A dramatic chord played.

Brandt blurted, "You can't be... I annihilated you!" When the others in the theater gave him an odd look, he added hurriedly, "It was an accident, I swear."

"Jesus, you're just a regular psychic Typhoid Mary, aren't you?" Max asked irritably.

"Accident my ass... now everybody park it! I'm about to show you a god-awful fic and you dipshits are going to get to watch every single second of it. You try to squeeze your eyes shut to stop the pain, you get killed. You piss me off, you get killed. You spill your popcorn, you get killed. In fact, come to think of it, practically anything you do can and will get you killed." Lance paused, before crooning, "Especially you, Brandt. Go ahead, boy. Make a pun for me. Make my fuckin' day."

Brandt shuddered, muttering, "Yeah, uh... thanks for the offer, but I think I'll just sit here. Quietly."

"Oh? What about the rest of you?" Lance purred.

Everyone called back hurriedly, "Oh, that's okay- that's fine, we're good- yeah, what the pussy said- you mean me?- no, Sherlock, I mean Brandt, he's a pussy- Oh, I see, he DOES look kind of limpwristed-"

"Okay! Shut up! It's show time!" Lance called out, before looking over at Darkhorse. "Hit the switch, my lackey."

"Can do, Mister L." Darkhorse said with a toothy grin, hitting the On switch that was well within Lance's reach.

The riffers took their seats as the screen began to scroll the classic countdown: ...10...9...8...

Viper muttered, "I just hope he didn't try to do to Lance what he almost did to me during one of the bathroom breaks."

Oniko blinked and glanced over. "You too?"

Viper blinked, his eyes widening and starting to well up. "But... but he said that I was the only one for him..."

Brandt, Sherlock, and Alair winced as one. Alair muttered sharply, "Somebody make those images stop coming out of his head..."

Sherlock winced and reached over, slapping the tankshell protruding from Viper's head.

Viper's eyes trained in different directions as he went on, "Glah boo zeen hans gruber zo lou keanu reeves is the devil..."

"I guess gibberish IS a step up," Alair said, sighing with relief.

...7...6..5...4...

"Just to warn you guys, you may want to secure some suicide methods," Max said casually.

"What?" Sherlock demanded. "Oh, come on, it can't be THAT bad..."

"That's what everybody thinks their first time," Brandt muttered defeatedly, before reaching out to telekinetically pop the tankshell back an inch.

"Thanks!" Viper said intelligably. "Just in time for me to watch this- wait, push it back in! Push it back in! ...damnit."

...3...2...1...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Posted on Feb 28, 2004, 10:20 PM
from IP address 172.149.6.142

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Two spelling corrections:

by Lysander (no login)

Slowly, the shadow behead Muerte grew thicker, until it was the size of a man.

I think you mean "behind" instead of "behead" there. Though considering who that's in reference too, maybe not. Hmm.

also had a pair of tank shell protruding from his head.

Shells.

Lysander
"Thank you, and good day."

Posted on Mar 1, 2004, 8:38 PM
from IP address 208.151.120.54

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Okay, irony overload[nt]

by Lainer (no login)

Pretty freak'n flowers!

Posted on Mar 2, 2004, 4:21 AM
from IP address 64.168.27.28

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Well, yeah. [N/T]

by Lysander (no login)




Posted on Mar 2, 2004, 11:00 AM
from IP address 208.151.120.54

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Idea for 105/106...

by (no login)

The current episodes take place in a castle owned by an evil magician (who may even be working for the supreme mad scientist). He has decided to leave temporarily because a scrying told him that the most effective way to spread chaos would be to leave his castle for whoever will find it.

About a day later, Lance winds up in the castle. He finds the tools that can bring him his revenge. He uses a summoning spell (from a summonings made easy book) to bring DHP. Then he tries to bring in everyone who was in the theater with him in 101, especially t.ogre, eonsinger, and Searcher. However, the only one from that group that he gets is Brandt; because Max, Oniko, and Viper were nearby, they get grabbed as well. However, there are not yet the six required for a viewing of a fic, so he summons people at random and gets Alair and Sherlock.

The setup of the castle itself lends itself to security. The fic itself is being shown in the great hall using an illusion on the wall. For attacking the riffers, Lance can throw spells from wands and summon creatures using scrolls. Lance and DHP are not in a booth, but in a seperate room watching the riffers through a crystal ball.

I'm thinking that the ending would involve Brandt remembering that, even though he doesn't have enough power to teleport them out of this dimension, he can teleport them elsewhere in the current dimension, like to Lance's room. A heated battle ensues, which ends by Lance banishing them all away and having to start fresh with new captives.

This is just an idea, mind you. Tell me what you think.

Posted on Feb 5, 2004, 2:25 PM
from IP address 165.95.7.5

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Write it

by 20X3 Lainer (no login)

Please, anyone, we need these damn skits.

Keep Left-->

Posted on Feb 5, 2004, 3:43 PM
from IP address 64.165.200.33

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Don't wuss out, Lainer.

by Chimera (no login)

We've already got our setup for 105, remember? And don't worry, it won't be long before I finish the intro.

Got most of the setup for 106 too, in fact.

For those impatient people, the locale is Redcliffe Manor, a very genteel Victorian-era setting, appropriate for the whole soap opera thing. Lance will be described as a dark-eyed 'rake' and the women will coo. It's sad.

So if some other people have ideas for sketches, go ahead. Odds are you won't write anything which'll be THAT wrong. Note that Lainer and Penfold wrote theirs without a hitch. There's the second and third breaks, and the finale to still be done. I'm planning on taking one of the others, probably. Though I guess if we continue to have no volunteers at all... Jesus.

Anyways, I don't want Zem to feel too crushed here, feel free to keep it in mind for a future episode. New options for settings and outlines are always welcome.

This reminds me, I hafta go back and edit Brandt's shirt back on in the MiSTing, for the whole Krinn thing to work...

Posted on Feb 5, 2004, 10:35 PM
from IP address 172.161.192.239

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Skit shit.

by O. Hakubi (no login)

Unexpected 'Fic Break happens, and in a fit of boredom someone begins digging around in the seat cushions. They find a remote, and begin flipping through channels. Hilarity ensues. In essence this is an excuse for me to use up all the skits and shit I've written in one vanglorious burst of energy. Assuming of course I can overcome my apathy to do so.

...who's in the theater again?

Also, if someone can figure out if I "donated" the Hulkamania Prevention Kit skit to MOT I'd appreciate it, doubly so if someone could locate it for me.

--OH

Posted on Feb 6, 2004, 5:05 PM
from IP address 24.195.121.126

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You stow that skit, Hudson!

by Chimera (no login)

In the theater we've got Brandt, Sherlock, Alair, Viper, Oniko, and Max. Darkhorse is Lance's Mad Assistant. Nnirk was also captured last episode, so he's in the neighborhood if you want to do something with him.

As far as the 'donation' thing, just ask to have it back. I doubt they'd begrudge you it. Can't help you find it though.

-Chimera
How do I get out of this chickenskit outfit?

Posted on Feb 6, 2004, 5:38 PM
from IP address 172.161.192.239

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Looking for this?

by Idiotbox (no login)

[SCENE: An orange curtain, covered in glitter, sparkles, and other shiny stuff. A man in a blue tuxedo (also covered in glitter, sparkles, and other shiny stuff) is standing in front of it, grinning widely, his hair slicked back with enough grease to lube up every porn star on the west coast... twice. His smile is even greasier, if you can imagine it. Bouncy 50's infomercial music begins, and continues throughought.]

ANNOUNCER MAN: Say friends! Has THIS ever happened to YOU?

[The scene changes to a GUY in an apartment, watching wrestling. HULK HOGAN comes onto his TV.]

HOGAN: So wha'cha gonna do, brutha, when Hulkamania runs wild on YOU??

[The GUY blinks, and a look of pure terror crosses his face.]

GUY: I... I don't know... what am I going todo? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO??

[The GUY leaps out of a nearby window, screaming insanely. The screaming stops a few seconds later as he hits the pavement with a wet "thud." Cut back to the ANNOUNCER MAN from before.]

ANNOUNCER MAN: Yes, Hulkamania could run wild on you at any time, and without warning, and sadly, most people are unprepared! But we at SysCorpComTech have YOUR best interests in mind!

[He points to you as he says this, still grinning. He holds this pose for a good five seconds before lowering his arm and continuing.]

ANNOUNCER MAN: That is why we have developed the Hulkamania Preparation Kit!

[He steps to the side as the curtain pulls back and the camera zooms in, revealing a metal briefcase sitting on top of a pedestal. The briefcase is adorned with a crossed-out picture of Hulk Hogan's face.]

ANNOUNCER MAN <v.o.>: It contains all the things you need to prepare yourself for those times when Hulkamania comes a-calling! Inside you'll find the following items:

[A text crawl scrolls up from the bottom of the screen as he lists the items.]

Duct tape
Mentos
A vial of Denis Leary's blood
Fifty yards of yarn
A bronze statue of a monkey's head
A 128-ounce container of Tang
Rey Mysterio
A microwave burrito
A pink fuzzy steering wheel cover
The complete cinematic works of Ron Jeremy on Beta cassettes
Powdered lark vomit...

[Cut to downtown Tokyo. Or any big city, for that matter. ANNOUNCER MAN is standing in the middle of the (oddly empty) street, still grinning like an idiot.]

ANNOUNCER MAN: ...and Mecha Geese Howard!

[A fifty-foot tall metal replica of the Ratio-6 SNK boss steps out from behind one of the buildings. A Generic Gundam runs toward MGH, brandishing a beam sword, but just as it reaches MGH, MGH grabs it and hurls it down a side street, causing it to crash into a building and explode for no real reason.]

MGH <synthesized>: PREDICTABLE!
ANNOUNCER MAN: So buy the Hulkamania Preparation Kit today at your favorite retail store, and you'll know what to do when Hulkamania tries to run wild on you!

[ANNOUNCER MAN gives you a thumbs up as the screen fades to black.]

---

The full thread, including all the notes made at the time are at:

http://www.network54.com/Hide/Forum/message?forumid=162270&messageid=1055745098

[Now please excuse me for a moment while I scrub my face clean of all the mess caused by Network54 bursting several major blood vessels in my head.]

Posted on Feb 6, 2004, 8:18 PM
from IP address 213.249.179.33

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Huzzah! Thank you! (nt)

by O. Hakubi (no login)

Mecha Geese Howard > *

Posted on Feb 7, 2004, 3:05 PM
from IP address 24.195.121.126

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Look at me, I can crap out skits in fifteen minutes! While browsing for porn, no less!

by RoPOH (no login)

Crap out being used fairly literally.

-

DHP <over intercom>: Okay, we're going to have a little villain round-table up here to see whether or not we should let you suffer for a few more hours or just end your lives ASAP. Don't go anywhere.
NNIRK <over intercom, distant>: So what did you guys want?
LANCE <over intercom, distant>: I was thinking Italian.
DHP <over intercom, distant>: But I just had Italian for lunch!
LANCE <over intercom, distant>: Watch me not care.
[*CLICK*]

[VIPER turns around in his seat.]
VIPER: BRING ME BACK A CANNOLI OR SOMETHING, COULD YA?
ALAIR: What kind of person would willingly call himself a villain?
ONIKO: A poorly-written one.
[A brick bounces off his head.]
ONIKO: Goody, more head trauma.
MAX: So what now?
SHERL: I guess we wait.
[ALL sit patiently for a few minutes, growing increasingly bored. Eventually VIPER turns around, lifts up the back of the seat and hops in, closing it behind him.]
ALAIR: ...what are you doing?
VIPER <muffled>: Looking for treasure. People drop neat stuff in the seat cushions all the time, don'cha know. Hey, someone pass me a flashlight or someth- oh, never mind.
[A quiet click is heard, and the seat cover begins glowing.
VIPER <muffled>: See, when I was but a wee lad, I used to go couch spelunking all the time. Scared mom and pop real good one time when I disappeared into an Ottoman and didn't come out for three days. Heh. Ooh, what's this?
[The seat swings open and a remote control flies out, landing in SHERL's lap. The light goes out and VIPER leaps out of the seat with a perfect three-point landing.]
BRANDT: ...you think it works?
SHERL: Only one way to find out.
[SHERL points the remote at the screen and presses a button.]

---

[SCENE: A dingy brown room, illuminated by a single light bulb hanging from the ceiling. The RANGER of Quake fame sits at a brown desk, smoking a cigarette. He stubs it out and looks wearily at the camera.]

RANGER: I knew the graphics in this series were completely out of control and that something was wrong, seven years ago. I was at Slipgate Central. Normally in Slipgate Central, everything's brown, the sky is brown, foggy brown, dark brown, light brown, every day it just gets browner and browner and browner. You wake up one day and you go, "I'm not going on duty." Your CO goes, "Why not, you get shot?" "No, it's too brown! I dunno if it's dawn or dusk! I don't even know why the sun bothers to come out!"

And then you wake up, and it's the brownest day you've ever seen. And the next day, it's even browner! And that's usually the day when you look at your axe and go, "Hey, maybe I should cut my hand off, to see color."

But in that day in Slipgate Central... in four days I experienced five climates. Rainy castles, underground lakes, abandoned warehouses, frick'n lava caves! On the last day, there was a military base, Quake's soldiers, and some giant spiny thing... together! And I hadn't done drugs! Because when you step through a slipgate and you hear rumbling, and you go to look, you have an expectation. And it's not fat, chainsaw-wielding guys with some elder god behind them. That's... not... right! They don't even write about that kind of shit in the Bible! And I imagine if a prophet had seen that kind of thing, after he wiped the poop out of his pants he'd have told us about it!

[He massages his temples with one gloved hand and continues.]

RANGER: I was supposed to be on duty next week and I said I'm taking leave, I'm scared to death. 'Cause I know what the next thing's gonna be: Stroggos. And there will come a time, mark my words, when there will be a season of just great big Icaruses that fall from the sky. Oh yeah, look at me like I'm nuts, you'll see Willard Scott... Willard Scott... he smiles so much I don't think he has a central nervous system. Willard Scott will be standing in front of the Big Gun dressed in an Imp suit, and Flyers will be bouncing off his head. And he'll be going, "Flying heads, flying heads, what can I say? Back to you."

---

ONIKO: Ooh, "The Daily Show With Flynn Taggart." I saw their expose on the affair between Hunter and Deimos. Good stuff.
SHERL: Let's see what else is on...
[*CLICK*]

---

[SCENE: Inside an empty club in Southtown. BILLY KANE and his band are finishing up one of their sets as GEESE HOWARD, dressed in a well-tailored buisness suit - he doesn't wear that kimono and hakama *all* the time, you know - walks in. Seeing him enter, BILLY nods to him.]

BILLY: 'Ey, boss! I'll be with you in a few. [to his bandmates] I'll see you blokes later, eh?

[GEESE walks towards the stage, impassively looking around the club. BILLY's bandmates give him a wide berth as he strolls past, knowing full well what he is capable of. Eventually his gaze falls on a guitar placed on a metal stand, still plugged into a speaker. This does not go unnoticed by BILLY.]

BILLY: Ey, boss, uh... you play?
GEESE: ...of course not, why would I?
BILLY: Well, you was lookin' at it like... 'ey, my bad. [turns and heads for a side door labeled "EMPLOYEES ONLY"] I won't be long, boss.

[BILLY enters and shuts the door, leaving GEESE alone in the club. He looks at the guitar, then at the door, then back at the guitar. He picks it up, accidentally plucking one of the strings in the process. Wincing slightly at the sudden noise, he quickly puts his hand over the string to mute the noise, then reaches over and turns down the volume on the speaker. Glancing over to the side door, he lifts the guitar and begins to play... rather well, interestingly enough. Satisfied with his skills, he begins to sing...]

GEESE:

PREDICTABLE!

I was in my office when Terry kicked down the door
He was screaming, "GEEEEESE!"
And I said, "PREDICTABLE!"

Then that Shiranui bimbo appears out of nowhere and she's all,
"Shiranui Mai, mairimasu!"
And I said, "PREDICTABLE!"

So later I'm at the bar
And Billy Kane shows up
And he says, "Hey hey hey!"
And I said, "PREDICTABLE!"

Cause this is my Southtown of Predictability!
And this is my Southtown of Predictability!
And this is my Southtown of Predictability!

Then I'm leaving my office at 6 P.M
And I'm walking to my limo wearing my hakama
Kim Kaphwan walks up and he shouts, "You evil cannot be forgiven!"
And I say, "PREDICTABLE!"

Then I'm managing a business deal
And Officer Hon-Fu jumps out and screams,
"Geese Howard! You're under arrest for-"
And I say "PREDICTABLE!"

And then I meant Krauser.
I said, "Evening, Krauser. Anything new?"
He says, "Nope."
And I said, "alright..."

Cause this is my Southtown of Predictability!
And this is my Southtown of Predictability!

[Arching an eyebrow, GEESE allows himself a small smile at his skill... until someone behind him begins applauding. Spooked, GEESE hurries to put the guitar back on it's holder, nearly dropping it in the process. Quickly recollecting himself, he angrily points to a grinning BILLY.]

GEESE: You didn't see that.

---

ALAIR: Great, now that tune's going to be stuck in my head for the rest of the week.
[*CLICK*]

---

[SCENE: An orange curtain, covered in glitter, sparkles, and other shiny stuff. A man in a blue tuxedo (also covered in glitter, sparkles, and other shiny stuff) is standing in front of it, grinning widely, his hair slicked back with enough grease to lube up every porn star on the west coast... twice. His smile is even greasier, if you can imagine it. Bouncy 50's infomercial music begins, and continues throughought.]

ANNOUNCER MAN: Say friends! Has THIS ever happened to YOU?

[The scene changes to a GUY in an apartment, watching wrestling. HULK HOGAN comes onto his TV.]

HOGAN: So wha'cha gonna do, brutha, when Hulkamania runs wild on YOU??

[The GUY blinks, and a look of pure terror crosses his face.]

GUY: I... I don't know... what am I going todo? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO??

[The GUY leaps out of a nearby window, screaming insanely. The screaming stops a few seconds later as he hits the pavement with a wet "thud." Cut back to the ANNOUNCER MAN from before.]

ANNOUNCER MAN: Yes, Hulkamania could run wild on you at any time, and without warning, and sadly, most people are unprepared! But we at SysCorpComTech have YOUR best interests in mind!

[He points to you as he says this, still grinning. He holds this pose for a good five seconds before lowering his arm and continuing.]

ANNOUNCER MAN: That is why we have developed the Hulkamania Preparation Kit!

[He steps to the side as the curtain pulls back and the camera zooms in, revealing a metal briefcase sitting on top of a pedestal. The briefcase is adorned with a crossed-out picture of Hulk Hogan's face.]

ANNOUNCER MAN <v.o.>: It contains all the things you need to prepare yourself for those times when Hulkamania comes a-calling! Inside you'll find the following items:

[A text crawl scrolls up from the bottom of the screen as he lists the items.]

Duct tape
Mentos
A vial of Denis Leary's blood
Fifty yards of yarn
A bronze statue of a monkey's head
A 128-ounce container of Tang
Rey Mysterio
A microwave burrito
A pink fuzzy steering wheel cover
The complete cinematic works of Ron Jeremy on Beta cassettes
Powdered lark vomit...

[Cut to downtown Tokyo. Or any big city, for that matter. ANNOUNCER MAN is standing in the middle of the (oddly empty) street, still grinning like an idiot.]

ANNOUNCER MAN: ...and Mecha Geese Howard!

[A fifty-foot tall metal replica of the Ratio-6 SNK boss steps out from behind one of the buildings. A Generic Gundam runs toward MGH, brandishing a beam sword, but just as it reaches MGH, MGH grabs it and hurls it down a side street, causing it to crash into a building and explode for no real reason.]

MGH <synthesized>: PREDICTABLE!
ANNOUNCER MAN: So buy the Hulkamania Preparation Kit today at your favorite retail store, and you'll know what to do when Hulkamania tries to run wild on you!

[ANNOUNCER MAN gives you a thumbs up as the screen fades to black.]

---

SHERL: Gah, infomercials.
BRANDT: Mecha Geese Howard in downtown Tokyo? Boy, that brings back memories...
SHERL ...right.
[*CLICK*]

---

ICE: Where do you expect them to put it, man? They don't have anything. They're from some nest... or something.
DUB: ...nest? You rented that room to agents of NESTS?

[IGNIZOKT and ZERRO walk back into the living room.]

IGNIZOKT: We are the overlords of NESTS and our technology is advanced beyond all that you can possibly comprehend with one hundred percent of your brain.
DUB: Oh, is that so? ...and what is so "advanced" about it?
IGNIZOKT: Well for one thing NESTS HQ has one-third less gravity than your Earth. I don't know if you can understand but our aerial techniques for initiating combination attacks are beyond all measurement.
DUB: ...so what you're saying is NESTS is more advanced because you can perform cross-ups?

---

ALAIR: Hey, Team Unplugged Funky Force!
SHERL: Bo-ring.
[*CLICK*]

---

[SCENE: The top of a hill in the middle of a misty pine forest. All is quiet, but trumpet music begins to slowly fade in as the unmistakable form of the Metal Slug appears. Then, as
the background music reaches full crescendo (Soldier's Morning (Destroy and Win)) it is revealed that the Metal Slug is strapped to the back of a heavily built man wearing combat boots, camoflage pants, a brown T-shirt and olive vest, with a camoflage bandanna tied around his head. He continues to jog up the hill in perfect cadence to the music, showing no visible signs of straining under the immense weight he carries. The camera follows him through the forest as the music continues playing. Eventually, a burst of static is heard. The man reaches behind him and pulls out a small field radio.]

MAN: Hmm?

[Someone on the other end says something, but the words can't be heard clearly over the static. The man has no apparent trouble, however.]

MAN: Hmm.

[Putting the radio back behind his back, the man runs offscreen.]

[Cut to a brick-paved street in a small war-torn town. Dozens of soldiers in green uniforms and helmets are milling about, patrolling the area, restocking their tanks' ammunition, cooking dinner over an open flame, or working on their tan. In the middle of it all is GENERAL MORDEN, surveying the scene from atop a huge multi-turreted tank with no small sense of satisfaction. Near the outskirts of the town, two soldiers are having a conversation.]

SOLDIER 1: So he actually charges after you on a *camel?*
SOLDIER 2: Hey, it had a gun mounted on the side.
SOLDIER 1: So wha'd you do?
SOLDIER 2: Well, I just said, "look, I'm trying to get out of this alive too." Then I remembered I left my rifle just behind me, so I started stepping backwards with my hands in the air like so...

[The SOLDIER begins stepping backwards with his hands in the air, but ends up bumping into someone. He turns around to confront him, but...]

SOLDIER 2: Hey, watch where you're- AAAHHH!!

[He falls to the ground and begins crawling backwards in abject horror before pointing a shaking finger at the man.]

SOLDIER: S-S-Slugata Sanshiro!!

[Upon hearing the hapless soldier utter this name, the other soldiers scream and recoil in abject horror. MORDEN turns to look at SLUGATA with hatred burning in his eyes.]

MORDEN: You...

[The view changes to the man from the beginning of the commercial standing with his arms crossed in front of his chest... and yes, he's still carrying the Metal Slug on his back. The words "Capt. Slugata Sanshiro, Sparrows Special Unit" appear on the bottom of the screen. He quickly uncrosses his arms, revealing two large high-caliber rifles. Cut back to MORDEN, who points to SLUGATA.]

MORDEN: GET HIM!!

[The next few scenes are nothing less than complete and utter carnage, the sole source of which is SLUGATA, as illustrated by quick cuts and shots where he hurls potato masher-style grenades at a group of soldiers; fires dual uzis offscreen; puts a soldier in a headlock and beats him over the head with a tonfa; lights a soldier on fire with a flamethrower, who then bumps into a group of soldiers and lights *them* on fire in turn; completely destroys a tank with a barrage of rockets; and knocks out a soldier with a punch glove. The montage ends with SLUGATA commandeering a Bradley missile launcher and setting it on auto-destruct, causing it to plow head-first into MORDEN's tank, destroying it in a tremendous explosion. When the smoke clears, MORDEN is left lying on top of the wreckage, still in one piece but badly scorched. SLUGATA climbs on top of what once was the General's tank and surveys the battlefield: The roads are covered with craters, soldiers are strewn hither and yon, and piles of scrap that were once tanks and trucks lie about, all serving as reminders of what was once a proud military victory. MORDEN coughs up a cloud of smoke, and strains to look up at his conqueror.]

MORDEN: Slugata Sanshiro... why?

[Grabbing MORDEN by the neck, SLUGATA carries him into the ruins of an arcade and over to the Neo-Geo machine (which, remarkably, is still working). With a look of pure range upon his face, he drags his index finger across the buttons and holds up in front of MORDEN's face.]

MORDEN: D-dust??

[SLUGATA walks outside of the arcade, rears his arm back and hurls MORDEN into the air. Undoing the buckles keeping the Metal Slug attached to his back, SLUGATA lets the tank drop to the ground with a heavy thud. Boarding the tank, he aims the main cannon at the still-airborne dictator and fires. The POV changes to that of the shell as it heads straight for MORDEN, and just before impact it switches back to SLUGATA as he pokes his head out of the hatch and watches the fireworks. Looking around the town he nods in satisfaction, then goes back into the Metal Slug and drives off.]

ANNOUNCER: Metal Slug: Play it now or SLUGATA SANSHIRO WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND KICK YOUR ASS!

---

THIEF: ...yeah, right. Like some burly Japanese asshole with a toy tank strapped to his back is going to fucking scare *me*. Back me up, bitches.
[Silence.]
THIEF: Hey, I said- ...eh?
[THIEF looks around to see VIPER and ONIKO at a Neo-Geo arcade cabinet, MAX and ALAIR with Neo-Geo Pockets and SHERL at a computer running an emulator. Three guesses as to what they're playing.]
THIEF: You goddamned pussies. I can't believe you're actually afraid of-
[A shadow looms over THIEF. He looks up in annoyance.]
THIEF: Hey, what the fuck do you- [pales] ...oh, shit.
[The shadow belongs to none other than SLUGATA SANSHIRO, who currently has a Real Damn Pissed expression on his face.]
THIEF: S-slugata Sans-s-shiro... how nice of you to-URK!
[SLUGATA picks up THIEF by the throat, slams him face-first into the ground, pulls the Metal Slug off of his back (with one hand, no less) and brings it down on THIEF with a resounding crunch, then picks it back up to find THIEF plastered to the bottom. Scraping him off with a baton, he sets the tank back down and drives off to parts unknown.]
VIPER: Man, the Mecha Slug is awesome.
ONIKO: That it is young Viper, that it is.
LANCE <over intercom>: We have returned from... hey, what the hell are you goons doing down there?? Sit down and get back to suffering!
[Small crane arms lower from the ceiling and grab the computer, arcade cabinet and Neo-Geo Pockets. ALL grumble and reluctantly take their seats.]
MAX: Man, I hope that guy doesn't find out that I was playing Queen of Fighters...


Posted on Feb 14, 2004, 10:04 PM
from IP address 24.195.121.126

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Not bad.

by Idiotbox (no login)

MAX: Man, I hope that guy doesn't find out that I was playing Queen of Fighters...

Max is referring to SNK Gals Fighter, right?

So, at last count, we now have two break skits but no intro or outro [unless Penfold's anime commercials are supposed to be part of the ending; in which case we're only missing half an ending]. Also:

Do we have any more commercials still left over?

What's the deal with Team Unplugged Funky Force? Are we going to put the rest of those skits into the Pocket Dimension?

Posted on Feb 15, 2004, 8:54 AM
from IP address 213.249.179.33

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I was wondering that too.

by Lainer (no login)

Oniko, you sure you didn't mean Queen of Heart?

Posted on Feb 15, 2004, 8:35 PM
from IP address 64.165.200.33

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It's supposed to be Gals Fighter. Right, sorry. (nt)

by O. Hakubi (no login)



Posted on Feb 16, 2004, 2:54 AM
from IP address 24.195.121.126

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Cool. Couple things, though...

by Chimera (no login)

A) Is this meant to be the midpoint, or late sketch?

B) You may want to take out Nnirk. He's not in the commercial sketch and if he was, his presence would prevent it from working as it stands. Unless somebody establishes in the midpoint sketch that Nnirk has recovered and joined as one of Lance's sidekicks.

C) To Idiotbox - Yes, we have many commercials left over. About eight or nine. Hell, another one features Geese Howard. That guy gets around more than Thief at a bisexual pediphile mixer. ...Or something.

Posted on Feb 24, 2004, 10:02 PM
from IP address 172.200.157.37

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Speaking of sketches...

by Cosmos (no login)

I'm not sure how many we have, or where they're going, but I can take one if no one else volunteers.

Cosmos

Posted on Feb 25, 2004, 9:03 PM
from IP address 12.73.132.172

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Current status of sketches

by Chimera (no login)

A) Intro: finished, by moi. (At least, after it gets nitpicked over, it'll be finished.)

B) First sketch: finished, by Penfold and Lainer.

C) Midpoint sketch, unclaimed.

D) Late fic sketch: finished, Oniko

E) Extro sketch, unclaimed.

Course, the order isn't set in stone. Also I thought I'd claim another (in part because nobody else has gone for it, but also because, uh, because), so feel free to grab one of the remaining two, and I'll take the other.

Posted on Feb 26, 2004, 12:58 AM
from IP address 172.171.52.142

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I guess I'll take midpoint, if no one else jumps for it.

by Cosmos (no login)

On that note, could I get a few details on what the inside of the theater looks like?

Posted on Feb 28, 2004, 12:50 PM
from IP address 12.73.133.48

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Sure, I'll add some theater description on my next go-by. (nt)

by Chimera (no login)



Posted on Feb 28, 2004, 10:11 PM
from IP address 172.149.6.142

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This brings what I like to call "teh omg funay."

by Lysander (no login)

Only one thing, though: no one does anything about the remote that they could use to just switch the channels after the fic comes back on. Someone'll have to do something about that. Good sketch, though.

Lysander "PREDICTABLE!"

Posted on Feb 16, 2004, 11:01 AM
from IP address 208.151.120.42

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I'll stick a little robot arm in there that grabs it, how about that? (nt)

by O. Hakubi (no login)

Recycle your humor.

Posted on Feb 16, 2004, 4:45 PM
from IP address 24.195.121.126

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Sure, that works. [S/T]

by Lysander (no login)

...What might also be funny is a little bit more stuff during the villains council, basically pulling in all sorts of villains from all over the place. "Okay, so what do we do?" "I say we kill them." "Ermac, aErmac, that just doesn't cary the professional *flare* that is that you need in a job like this!" "So what would you do, Cobra?" "That's Cobra Commander, Bonzo Madrid. Now, listen closely; we rig up a--" "Is this gonna take long?" "Shut up, It." "But I have to go to the bathroom!" "Shut *up*! So, my plan is, we..." And so on and so forth. Just a suggestion.

Posted on Feb 16, 2004, 7:52 PM
from IP address 208.151.120.42

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That Sketch = TOP TIER (nt)

by Demon K. (no login)

de nada

Posted on Feb 16, 2004, 1:54 PM
from IP address 64.61.217.46

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Fixed.

by O. Hakubi (no login)

DHP <over intercom>: Okay, we're going to have a little villain round-table up here to see whether or not we should let you suffer for a few more hours or just end your lives ASAP. Don't go anywhere.
NNIRK <over intercom, distant>: So what did you guys want?
LANCE <over intercom, distant>: I was thinking Italian.
DHP <over intercom, distant>: But I just had Italian for lunch!
LANCE <over intercom, distant>: Watch me not care.
[*CLICK*]

[VIPER turns around in his seat.]
VIPER: BRING ME BACK A CANNOLI OR SOMETHING, COULD YA?
ALAIR: What kind of person would willingly call himself a villain?
ONIKO: A poorly-written one.
[A brick bounces off his head.]
ONIKO: Goody, more head trauma.
MAX: So what now?
SHERL: I guess we wait.
[ALL sit patiently for a few minutes, growing increasingly bored. Eventually VIPER turns around, lifts up the back of the seat and hops in, closing it behind him.]
ALAIR: ...what are you doing?
VIPER <muffled>: Looking for treasure. People drop neat stuff in the seat cushions all the time, don'cha know. Hey, someone pass me a flashlight or someth- oh, never mind.
[A quiet click is heard, and the seat cover begins glowing.
VIPER <muffled>: See, when I was but a wee lad, I used to go couch spelunking all the time. Scared mom and pop real good one time when I disappeared into an Ottoman and didn't come out for three days. Heh. Ooh, what's this?
[The seat swings open and a remote control flies out, landing in SHERL's lap. The light goes out and VIPER leaps out of the seat with a perfect three-point landing.]
BRANDT: ...you think it works?
SHERL: Only one way to find out.
[SHERL points the remote at the screen and presses a button.]

---

[SCENE: A dingy brown room, illuminated by a single light bulb hanging from the ceiling. The RANGER of Quake fame sits at a brown desk, smoking a cigarette. He stubs it out and looks wearily at the camera.]

RANGER: I knew the graphics in this series were completely out of control and that something was wrong, seven years ago. I was at Slipgate Central. Normally in Slipgate Central, everything's brown, the sky is brown, foggy brown, dark brown, light brown, every day it just gets browner and browner and browner. You wake up one day and you go, "I'm not going on duty." Your CO goes, "Why not, you get shot?" "No, it's too brown! I dunno if it's dawn or dusk! I don't even know why the sun bothers to come out!"

And then you wake up, and it's the brownest day you've ever seen. And the next day, it's even browner! And that's usually the day when you look at your axe and go, "Hey, maybe I should cut my hand off, to see color."

But in that day in Slipgate Central... in four days I experienced five climates. Rainy castles, underground lakes, abandoned warehouses, frick'n lava caves! On the last day, there was a military base, Quake's soldiers, and some giant spiny thing... together! And I hadn't done drugs! Because when you step through a slipgate and you hear rumbling, and you go to look, you have an expectation. And it's not fat, chainsaw-wielding guys with some elder god behind them. That's... not... right! They don't even write about that kind of shit in the Bible! And I imagine if a prophet had seen that kind of thing, after he wiped the poop out of his pants he'd have told us about it!

[He massages his temples with one gloved hand and continues.]

RANGER: I was supposed to be on duty next week and I said I'm taking leave, I'm scared to death. 'Cause I know what the next thing's gonna be: Stroggos. And there will come a time, mark my words, when there will be a season of just great big Icaruses that fall from the sky. Oh yeah, look at me like I'm nuts, you'll see Willard Scott... Willard Scott... he smiles so much I don't think he has a central nervous system. Willard Scott will be standing in front of the Big Gun dressed in an Imp suit, and Flyers will be bouncing off his head. And he'll be going, "Flying heads, flying heads, what can I say? Back to you."

---

ONIKO: Ooh, "The Daily Show With Flynn Taggart." I saw their expose on the affair between Hunter and Deimos. Good stuff.
SHERL: Let's see what else is on...
[*CLICK*]

---

[SCENE: Inside an empty club in Southtown. BILLY KANE and his band are finishing up one of their sets as GEESE HOWARD, dressed in a well-tailored buisness suit - he doesn't wear that kimono and hakama *all* the time, you know - walks in. Seeing him enter, BILLY nods to him.]

BILLY: 'Ey, boss! I'll be with you in a few. [to his bandmates] I'll see you blokes later, eh?

[GEESE walks towards the stage, impassively looking around the club. BILLY's bandmates give him a wide berth as he strolls past, knowing full well what he is capable of. Eventually his gaze falls on a guitar placed on a metal stand, still plugged into a speaker. This does not go unnoticed by BILLY.]

BILLY: Ey, boss, uh... you play?
GEESE: ...of course not, why would I?
BILLY: Well, you was lookin' at it like... 'ey, my bad. [turns and heads for a side door labeled "EMPLOYEES ONLY"] I won't be long, boss.

[BILLY enters and shuts the door, leaving GEESE alone in the club. He looks at the guitar, then at the door, then back at the guitar. He picks it up, accidentally plucking one of the strings in the process. Wincing slightly at the sudden noise, he quickly puts his hand over the string to mute the noise, then reaches over and turns down the volume on the speaker. Glancing over to the side door, he lifts the guitar and begins to play... rather well, interestingly enough. Satisfied with his skills, he begins to sing...]

GEESE:

PREDICTABLE!

I was in my office when Terry kicked down the door
He was screaming, "GEEEEESE!"
And I said, "PREDICTABLE!"

Then that Shiranui bimbo appears out of nowhere and she's all,
"Shiranui Mai, mairimasu!"
And I said, "PREDICTABLE!"

So later I'm at the bar
And Billy Kane shows up
And he says, "Hey hey hey!"
And I said, "PREDICTABLE!"

Cause this is my Southtown of Predictability!
And this is my Southtown of Predictability!
And this is my Southtown of Predictability!

Then I'm leaving my office at 6 P.M
And I'm walking to my limo wearing my hakama
Kim Kaphwan walks up and he shouts, "You evil cannot be forgiven!"
And I say, "PREDICTABLE!"

Then I'm managing a business deal
And Officer Hon-Fu jumps out and screams,
"Geese Howard! You're under arrest for-"
And I say "PREDICTABLE!"

And then I meant Krauser.
I said, "Evening, Krauser. Anything new?"
He says, "Nope."
And I said, "alright..."

Cause this is my Southtown of Predictability!
And this is my Southtown of Predictability!

[Arching an eyebrow, GEESE allows himself a small smile at his skill... until someone behind him begins applauding. Spooked, GEESE hurries to put the guitar back on it's holder, nearly dropping it in the process. Quickly recollecting himself, he angrily points to a grinning BILLY.]

GEESE: You didn't see that.

---

ALAIR: Great, now that tune's going to be stuck in my head for the rest of the week.
[*CLICK*]

---

[SCENE: An orange curtain, covered in glitter, sparkles, and other shiny stuff. A man in a blue tuxedo (also covered in glitter, sparkles, and other shiny stuff) is standing in front of it, grinning widely, his hair slicked back with enough grease to lube up every porn star on the west coast... twice. His smile is even greasier, if you can imagine it. Bouncy 50's infomercial music begins, and continues throughought.]

ANNOUNCER MAN: Say friends! Has THIS ever happened to YOU?

[The scene changes to a GUY in an apartment, watching wrestling. HULK HOGAN comes onto his TV.]

HOGAN: So wha'cha gonna do, brutha, when Hulkamania runs wild on YOU??

[The GUY blinks, and a look of pure terror crosses his face.]

GUY: I... I don't know... what am I going todo? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO??

[The GUY leaps out of a nearby window, screaming insanely. The screaming stops a few seconds later as he hits the pavement with a wet "thud." Cut back to the ANNOUNCER MAN from before.]

ANNOUNCER MAN: Yes, Hulkamania could run wild on you at any time, and without warning, and sadly, most people are unprepared! But we at SysCorpComTech have YOUR best interests in mind!

[He points to you as he says this, still grinning. He holds this pose for a good five seconds before lowering his arm and continuing.]

ANNOUNCER MAN: That is why we have developed the Hulkamania Preparation Kit!

[He steps to the side as the curtain pulls back and the camera zooms in, revealing a metal briefcase sitting on top of a pedestal. The briefcase is adorned with a crossed-out picture of Hulk Hogan's face.]

ANNOUNCER MAN <v.o.>: It contains all the things you need to prepare yourself for those times when Hulkamania comes a-calling! Inside you'll find the following items:

[A text crawl scrolls up from the bottom of the screen as he lists the items.]

Duct tape
Mentos
A vial of Denis Leary's blood
Fifty yards of yarn
A bronze statue of a monkey's head
A 128-ounce container of Tang
Rey Mysterio
A microwave burrito
A pink fuzzy steering wheel cover
The complete cinematic works of Ron Jeremy on Beta cassettes
Powdered lark vomit...

[Cut to downtown Tokyo. Or any big city, for that matter. ANNOUNCER MAN is standing in the middle of the (oddly empty) street, still grinning like an idiot.]

ANNOUNCER MAN: ...and Mecha Geese Howard!

[A fifty-foot tall metal replica of the Ratio-6 SNK boss steps out from behind one of the buildings. A Generic Gundam runs toward MGH, brandishing a beam sword, but just as it reaches MGH, MGH grabs it and hurls it down a side street, causing it to crash into a building and explode for no real reason.]

MGH <synthesized>: PREDICTABLE!
ANNOUNCER MAN: So buy the Hulkamania Preparation Kit today at your favorite retail store, and you'll know what to do when Hulkamania tries to run wild on you!

[ANNOUNCER MAN gives you a thumbs up as the screen fades to black.]

---

SHERL: Gah, infomercials.
BRANDT: Mecha Geese Howard in downtown Tokyo? Boy, that brings back memories...
SHERL ...right.
[*CLICK*]

---

ICE: Where do you expect them to put it, man? They don't have anything. They're from some nest... or something.
DUB: ...nest? You rented that room to agents of NESTS?

[IGNIZOKT and ZERRO walk back into the living room.]

IGNIZOKT: We are the overlords of NESTS and our technology is advanced beyond all that you can possibly comprehend with one hundred percent of your brain.
DUB: Oh, is that so? ...and what is so "advanced" about it?
IGNIZOKT: Well for one thing NESTS HQ has one-third less gravity than your Earth. I don't know if you can understand but our aerial techniques for initiating combination attacks are beyond all measurement.
DUB: ...so what you're saying is NESTS is more advanced because you can perform cross-ups?

---

ALAIR: Hey, Team Unplugged Funky Force!
SHERL: Bo-ring.
[*CLICK*]

---

[SCENE: The top of a hill in the middle of a misty pine forest. All is quiet, but trumpet music begins to slowly fade in as the unmistakable form of the Metal Slug appears. Then, as
the background music reaches full crescendo (Soldier's Morning (Destroy and Win)) it is revealed that the Metal Slug is strapped to the back of a heavily built man wearing combat boots, camoflage pants, a brown T-shirt and olive vest, with a camoflage bandanna tied around his head. He continues to jog up the hill in perfect cadence to the music, showing no visible signs of straining under the immense weight he carries. The camera follows him through the forest as the music continues playing. Eventually, a burst of static is heard. The man reaches behind him and pulls out a small field radio.]

MAN: Hmm?

[Someone on the other end says something, but the words can't be heard clearly over the static. The man has no apparent trouble, however.]

MAN: Hmm.

[Putting the radio back behind his back, the man runs offscreen.]

[Cut to a brick-paved street in a small war-torn town. Dozens of soldiers in green uniforms and helmets are milling about, patrolling the area, restocking their tanks' ammunition, cooking dinner over an open flame, or working on their tan. In the middle of it all is GENERAL MORDEN, surveying the scene from atop a huge multi-turreted tank with no small sense of satisfaction. Near the outskirts of the town, two soldiers are having a conversation.]

SOLDIER 1: So he actually charges after you on a *camel?*
SOLDIER 2: Hey, it had a gun mounted on the side.
SOLDIER 1: So wha'd you do?
SOLDIER 2: Well, I just said, "look, I'm trying to get out of this alive too." Then I remembered I left my rifle just behind me, so I started stepping backwards with my hands in the air like so...

[The SOLDIER begins stepping backwards with his hands in the air, but ends up bumping into someone. He turns around to confront him, but...]

SOLDIER 2: Hey, watch where you're- AAAHHH!!

[He falls to the ground and begins crawling backwards in abject horror before pointing a shaking finger at the man.]

SOLDIER: S-S-Slugata Sanshiro!!

[Upon hearing the hapless soldier utter this name, the other soldiers scream and recoil in abject horror. MORDEN turns to look at SLUGATA with hatred burning in his eyes.]

MORDEN: You...

[The view changes to the man from the beginning of the commercial standing with his arms crossed in front of his chest... and yes, he's still carrying the Metal Slug on his back. The words "Capt. Slugata Sanshiro, Sparrows Special Unit" appear on the bottom of the screen. He quickly uncrosses his arms, revealing two large high-caliber rifles. Cut back to MORDEN, who points to SLUGATA.]

MORDEN: GET HIM!!

[The next few scenes are nothing less than complete and utter carnage, the sole source of which is SLUGATA, as illustrated by quick cuts and shots where he hurls potato masher-style grenades at a group of soldiers; fires dual uzis offscreen; puts a soldier in a headlock and beats him over the head with a tonfa; lights a soldier on fire with a flamethrower, who then bumps into a group of soldiers and lights *them* on fire in turn; completely destroys a tank with a barrage of rockets; and knocks out a soldier with a punch glove. The montage ends with SLUGATA commandeering a Bradley missile launcher and setting it on auto-destruct, causing it to plow head-first into MORDEN's tank, destroying it in a tremendous explosion. When the smoke clears, MORDEN is left lying on top of the wreckage, still in one piece but badly scorched. SLUGATA climbs on top of what once was the General's tank and surveys the battlefield: The roads are covered with craters, soldiers are strewn hither and yon, and piles of scrap that were once tanks and trucks lie about, all serving as reminders of what was once a proud military victory. MORDEN coughs up a cloud of smoke, and strains to look up at his conqueror.]

MORDEN: Slugata Sanshiro... why?

[Grabbing MORDEN by the neck, SLUGATA carries him into the ruins of an arcade and over to the Neo-Geo machine (which, remarkably, is still working). With a look of pure range upon his face, he drags his index finger across the buttons and holds up in front of MORDEN's face.]

MORDEN: D-dust??

[SLUGATA walks outside of the arcade, rears his arm back and hurls MORDEN into the air. Undoing the buckles keeping the Metal Slug attached to his back, SLUGATA lets the tank drop to the ground with a heavy thud. Boarding the tank, he aims the main cannon at the still-airborne dictator and fires. The POV changes to that of the shell as it heads straight for MORDEN, and just before impact it switches back to SLUGATA as he pokes his head out of the hatch and watches the fireworks. Looking around the town he nods in satisfaction, then goes back into the Metal Slug and drives off.]

ANNOUNCER: Metal Slug: Play it now or SLUGATA SANSHIRO WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND KICK YOUR ASS!

---

THIEF: ...yeah, right. Like some burly Japanese asshole with a toy tank strapped to his back is going to fucking scare *me*. Back me up, bitches.
[Silence.]
THIEF: Hey, I said- ...eh?
[THIEF looks around to see VIPER and ONIKO at a Neo-Geo arcade cabinet, MAX and ALAIR with Neo-Geo Pockets and SHERL at a computer running an emulator. Three guesses as to what they're playing.]
THIEF: You goddamned pussies. I can't believe you're actually afraid of-
[A shadow looms over THIEF. He looks up in annoyance.]
THIEF: Hey, what the fuck do you- [pales] ...oh, shit.
[The shadow belongs to none other than SLUGATA SANSHIRO, who currently has a Real Damn Pissed expression on his face.]
THIEF: S-slugata Sans-s-shiro... how nice of you to-URK!
[SLUGATA picks up THIEF by the throat, slams him face-first into the ground, pulls the Metal Slug off of his back (with one hand, no less) and brings it down on THIEF with a resounding crunch, then picks it back up to find THIEF plastered to the bottom. Scraping him off with a baton, he sets the tank back down and drives off to parts unknown.]
VIPER: Man, the Mecha Slug is awesome.
ONIKO: That it is young Viper, that it is.
LANCE <over intercom>: We have returned from... hey, what the hell are you goons doing down there?? Sit down and get back to suffering!
[Small crane arms lower from the ceiling and grab the computer, arcade cabinet and Neo-Geo Pockets. ALL grumble and reluctantly take their seats.]
LANCE <over inercom>: ...and where did you get THAT little device, Sherly? You don't know where it's been!
[Another crane arm drops down and yanks the remote out of SHERL's grasp.]
SHERL: Hey!
MAX: Man, I hope that guy doesn't find out that I was playing Gals Fighters...



Posted on Feb 25, 2004, 4:04 PM
from IP address 24.195.121.126

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I'm still diggin' it, BUT...

by Demon K. (no login)

...after reading Chimera's intro, if Nnirk is still locked away, you may have to change your intro text a bit. Just replace DHP for Nnirk, it should work out fine.


Just checking continuity, is all.

Posted on Feb 25, 2004, 9:30 PM
from IP address 64.61.218.129

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106 question and terrible idea.

by (no login)

The question is, are the same people going to be in the theater in 106, or what?

And the terrible idea is:

From Leb Industries, the makers of Quimquaff, comes a new drink to help you lose weight! New low-fat Quimfast!

Posted on Feb 18, 2004, 4:12 PM
from IP address 165.95.7.5

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You realize that's not funny. You also realize that it's not even vaugly original. (n/t)

by Shade (no login)

Honestly.

Posted on Feb 18, 2004, 6:21 PM
from IP address 152.163.253.3

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106?

by (no login)

Okay, I've heard that ep. 106 is scheduled to begin in January? Anybody have a specific date?

Posted on Jan 13, 2004, 11:19 AM
from IP address 24.194.131.82

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It's still scheduled for January

by Lainer (no login)

In much the same way that Duke Nukem Foever is scheduled for Christmas 1998.

Keep Left-->

Posted on Jan 13, 2004, 2:31 PM
from IP address 216.175.92.58

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Speaking of which...

by t.ogre (no login)


...what are the 'fics we're using for 106 (part two of the Reign of Fox-ian Terror)?

t.ogre
qwfh

Posted on Jan 14, 2004, 4:29 AM
from IP address 143.166.255.16

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Try not to kill yourself: It's the rest of 'Tales of Adam'. (nt)

by Chimera (no login)

[sighs and gets out a knife to cut down t.ogre's gently swinging corpse] I knew that'd happen.

Posted on Jan 14, 2004, 6:23 PM
from IP address 172.154.30.72

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Need me to pick up the trash?

by (no login)

I suppose if I should contribute anything to this thing, it'll be to carry the body to the curb for the trash.

Posted on Jan 14, 2004, 9:43 PM
from IP address 24.194.131.82

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Hell no! t.ogre's my buddy!

by Chimera (no login)

We should at least chop him up and flush him so a part of him will always linger with us, at least in the septic system.

I'd put him on the compost heap... but he doesn't strike me as a vegetarian (not enough of a pussy), and meat-eater's digestive system can have a bad effect on plants, I understand.

Least, that's what Cosmos tells me she's learned from her murders.

-Chimera

Posted on Jan 15, 2004, 9:17 PM
from IP address 172.147.212.80

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Wood chipper. [nods sagely] [n/t]

by t.ogre (no login)



Posted on Jan 16, 2004, 1:07 AM
from IP address 143.166.255.18

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I learned what from what, now?

by Cosmos (no login)

No, no, no. Blood is actually good for plants, it's a source of nitrogen. Why do you think the sites of great battles are always described as looking green and lush in the following years? All the carnage amounts to a heavy dose of fertilizer. No, the problem is that the meat itself attracts scavengers.

...and that's Masters not murders you psychotic little deviant.

Cosmos


Posted on Jan 16, 2004, 8:02 PM
from IP address 12.73.131.155

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Wait, what?

by Chimera, FED to the world (no login)

Masters? Murders? Eh. Whatever, I wasn't listening anyways, I was staring at- uh. Nevermind.

Actually, I knew that blood was great for plants, but at one time a friend of mine who works at a plant nursery said that the feces (and logically the intestines) of meat-eaters couldn't be used for fertilizer, having something to do with the bacteria.

And we all know that after t.ogre has committed suicide, he'd hate so much for his feces to possibly wilt the tulip planter.

-Chimera
Hey! I'm a Fucking Evil Deviant, get it right!

Posted on Jan 16, 2004, 10:12 PM
from IP address 172.130.113.3

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True.

by Cosmos (no login)

I wouldn't recommend using them for food crops, but there's no reason it couldn't be used for ornamentals. By the way, I refuse to believe I'm having this conversation.

Cosmos

Posted on Jan 17, 2004, 4:02 PM
from IP address 12.73.132.207

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Weren't we going to do one of the ToA-parters along with something else though?

by Alair (no login)

I'm not sure it would really be necessary, but I think that was the plan at one point.

Posted on Jan 14, 2004, 9:45 PM
from IP address 172.130.85.33

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Yeah, but...

by t.ogre (no login)


We had discussed using the rest of "The Last Cardcaptor" or whatever the hell that story was called, but it's being pushed back to 107, for when t.ogre is actually back in the theater.

t.ogre
qwfh

Posted on Jan 15, 2004, 3:41 AM
from IP address 143.166.255.16

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I take it, then, that we are in the market for fodder? [N/T]

by Lysander (no login)

Fodder's something I'm good at finding. I wish I wasn't.

Posted on Jan 15, 2004, 9:10 PM
from IP address 208.151.120.10

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Not at this time.

by t.ogre (no login)


From what I recall, we have 'fics through 107. We've only done HALF of ToA, and 107 was supposed to be the rest of the Cardcaptor thing with the Cabbit story of which Cosmos was so fond, if I remember properly.

So we're looking at a minimum of three months before we need more material.

But thanks for the offer, you masochist. ;-)

t.ogre
qwfh

Posted on Jan 16, 2004, 1:11 AM
from IP address 143.166.255.18

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Yeah, but, see, like, wasn't the second half of ToA too short for one episode? [N/T]

by Lysander (no login)

Wasn't that what we (or I should say, you guys) decided?

Posted on Jan 16, 2004, 10:36 AM
from IP address 208.151.120.33

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Um, no.

by t,ogre (no login)

It's just about as long as what we've done thus far (which means it's about forty "chapters" too long for any rational person to read).

I don't think we're gonna have any problem filling an entire episode with what's left.

t.ogre
qwfh

Posted on Jan 16, 2004, 8:48 PM
from IP address 66.25.143.182

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Oh. Well, then, I'll just be fading back into the boardworks now. Don't mind me. [N/T]

by Lysander (no login)

*rustle rustle rustle*

Posted on Jan 17, 2004, 1:43 AM
from IP address 208.151.120.33

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Can ya' be more specific? (N/T)

by (no login)

:-/

Posted on Jan 14, 2004, 12:02 PM
from IP address 24.194.131.82

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Late January. [nt]

by The General (no login)

Really

Posted on Jan 14, 2004, 6:01 PM
from IP address 209.158.205.142

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Ah, thanks. [nt] :-)

by (no login)



Posted on Jan 15, 2004, 11:31 AM
from IP address 24.194.131.82

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*** UPDATE -- PLEASE READ ***

by t.ogre (no login)

Unless someone else posts the chapters, 106 won't be starting until after 10 February.

I've got some RL stuff going on right now that's kinda in the way of me getting anything done here, and, as such, until it's resolved, I will not be functional here for the time being (i.e., if I'm here at all, it'll be very seldom).

Please bear with me. The last couple of days have been rather traumatic for me, and I'm coping the best I can. After 10 February, all should be clear on my front to sally forth upon our new adventure.

I apologize for the delay.

t.ogre
qwfh

Posted on Jan 28, 2004, 1:19 AM
from IP address 143.166.255.18

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Hell, I think we can wait

by Lainer (no login)

Plus, we haven't even called seats yet.

Posted on Jan 28, 2004, 4:48 PM
from IP address 216.175.114.238

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Actually, we haven't decided anything apart from the choice of fic.

by Idiotbox (no login)

The rest of ToA, right?

But, yeah, we can probably put stuff like setting, mads and seats off until later.

Posted on Jan 28, 2004, 6:26 PM
from IP address 213.249.179.79

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There's still one big hurdle to clear anyway.

by Cosmos (no login)

We still need to know what happens in 105. Until we have all the skits finished, I don't think we should move on to 106. I don't think it'd be too good an idea to get two episodes behind in skits.

Posted on Jan 29, 2004, 5:40 PM
from IP address 12.73.135.26

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No problem. [nt]

by The General (no login)



Posted on Jan 29, 2004, 9:46 PM
from IP address 141.152.50.105

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UMGAH!!

by (no login)

Impatience is kinda a bad feeling, isn't it? Shut up, Shade.

Anywho, I was wondering who was supposed to write the opening, middle, and closing sketches for 105? None of them are done, unless I miss my guess. Wouldn't now be a good time to sort of get them out of the way, since, as we all know, we're just the speediest bunch of workers this side of Sanity Line.

-Sherlock
"I dunno... it just--just seems to make sense, is all."

Posted on Jan 19, 2004, 7:19 PM
from IP address 68.168.168.253

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Well, they don't necessarily have to be completed...

by t.ogre (no login)


...we just need to know what the next setting is going to be before we start 106.

I personally would like to see us back in the original theater for 107, but that's just me.

t.ogre
qwfh

Posted on Jan 20, 2004, 1:15 AM
from IP address 143.166.255.16

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Ooh! Idea!

by Lysander (no login)

The setting for 107 is a theater that the Mysterious Evil Villain (TM) created specifically for Lance.

That means that the structure itself has been pain-stakingly engineered, down to the last smallest detail, to be the ultimate personification of tort--oh, who am I kidding? Its just a cheap factory-made knockoff. So, it means that the theater has several things designed to do things like stop riffers from getting out of hand, but since its been made to make a profit above all else, not all of them work right. Some of them have been slightly saturated with the Spirit Of The MMKTM, and as such do slightly goofy and unexpected things.

Etc.



Posted on Jan 20, 2004, 10:38 AM
from IP address 208.151.120.50

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That's a good idea... which reminds me:

by O. Hakubi (no login)

We don't know who TEH SUPAR-SEKRIT MISTERY VILLAIN ZOMG is going to be. Any plans, or is it going to be another palette-swap?

--O. Hakubi
"That's three drinks right there."

Posted on Jan 20, 2004, 2:53 PM
from IP address 24.195.121.126

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It's like this (and like that and like this-)

by Chimera (no login)

I have the intro, working from Shade's notes (mostly). Lainer and Penfold already did the first sketch (which is also our commercial break). Midpoint break, third break, and finale are all open, however I plan on calling at least one of them.

And Lysander, technically we kind of already HAVE that sort of thing ALL the time. Except with the MMKness, it's just general goofiness.

As far as the ubervillian, I had some ideas, but none which I thought would fly. Some of the more amusing rejects:

A) Tom Servo. Yes, THE Tom Servo. Why? Well, in several sketches in MST3k, there are very strong hints at Tom's dealings with organized crime syndicates and various evil during the 500 years he spent off the Satelite of Love.

B) From Starcraft, the Overmind's retarded younger brother, striking out on his own.

C) Wanderer. He's got plenty of reasons to have gone mad and it'd be an amusing Metal Gear Solid 2 type twist for him to be working with Searcher. Rejected this one immediately though... can't imagine he'd go for it and we're tied enough to MOT without adding this on.

D) The Toyman, from the old Superfriends TV show. He's enough of a dumbass screwup to belong on the cast and he has the exact sort of 'toys' that the Mads have been using to cause the riffers pain. Additionally, the space station in ep 102 was exactly the kind of dumbass thing he'd own.

E) Briefly toyed with the idea of borrowing the Drab Lord or the Soveriegn of Sorrow. Amusing image, bad idea.

F) I considered using either a villian from Lance's past, or one from Brandt's... since they're the only guy with archenemies mentioned in their charguides, as far as I know. However, I figured some might object... additionally, both villians are fairly serious guys and therefore not great for comedy.

G) Brainiac, from the Superman canon. After all, Quasispace IS kinda like the multi-planar zone into which the Kryptonians threw General Zod and their other exiles.

H) Related to E, establish that every world in Quasispace is actually a videogame dimension and make the main villian Motherbrain. Past episodes would need to be edited to change 'he' to 'she', of course...

I) Triphids! w00t!

J) I briefly considered making the main villian Borf, from Space Ace. Why? He's cool. That's about it.

As far as what I'm really going to settle on, I'm not sure yet. Course, if one of these somehow miraculously gets enormous acclaim, I s'pose I might hafta put him in the intro sketch.

Posted on Jan 21, 2004, 12:30 AM
from IP address 172.168.245.188

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I vote for John Romero's head on a stick. (nt)

by O. Hakubi (no login)

*re-reads Chimera's post*

...holy crap.

*takes three drinks, then reads this post again and takes a fourth*

Posted on Jan 21, 2004, 3:32 PM
from IP address 24.195.121.126

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Actually, no, fuck that.

by O. Hakubi (no login)

I vote for a combination empire builder-media mogul that's employing the QPT thing as the first foray into a new market/territory. More details to come if anyone gives a damn.

--O. Hakubi
"It's called Socratic Irony and loaded questions."

Posted on Jan 23, 2004, 2:17 PM
from IP address 24.195.121.126

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Actually, I'd considered something on a similar line...

by Chimera (no login)

If you kept up with the edits, you might've noticed the Manhunt ref being thrown in. That was kind of a hidden bit of foreshadowing for what sort of villian I might use.

Same principle as your Running Man/Manhunt thing, almost.

Posted on Jan 24, 2004, 1:30 AM
from IP address 172.158.190.54

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Why can't we just have something relatively plain instead?

by Idiotbox (no login)

Something like, I don't know, a generic Marvel villian or a Transformer? Or, hell just a regular human like one of the SNK bosses?

Posted on Jan 21, 2004, 6:47 PM
from IP address 213.249.148.252

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Because those would all be stupid and woefully anticlimactic. (n/t)

by Shade (no login)

Also, you're an idiot.

Posted on Jan 23, 2004, 1:03 AM
from IP address 152.163.253.3

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I kinda liked the Servo one

by Zelyhon (no login)

...But being new here, I don't think that counts for much. In this vein of thought, here are some other probably rejects that were brought to my petty, finals clogged brain as I read those ideas.

(a) Desty Nova from Battle Angel Alita (I'm not yet sure of the policy on drawing upon compete characters from other series to insert, since I am new and couldn't find anything in the guides about it.) This seems like just the sort of twisted, karmic experiment he'd pull for his own amusement.

(b) Along with the character taking thing, Xellos would be an interesting one to have manipulating the strings of the character's destiny for amusement.

(c) A Puchuu. With all the oddness in Excel Saga, they wouldn't be that far out of place, at least in my opinion.

(d) A Mage: the Ascension Son of Ether, attempting to cause humans to reach ascension through the shattering of sanity. They're just the test case.

These are just some ideas. If you find them to be inappropriate or otherwise plain stupid, please respond with whatever seething barbs of hatred you deem are necessary for the crime.

Posted on Jan 22, 2004, 12:43 AM
from IP address 67.121.170.21

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Actually...

by Shade (no login)

Lance's Archnemesis From The Past is dead. Lance ripped his throat out with his bare hands.

So that wouldn't really work.

Posted on Jan 23, 2004, 12:59 AM
from IP address 152.163.253.3

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Also, I'm not sure any of the more goofy suggestions would work.

by Shade (no login)

I mean, ep 103 kind of established that The Mystery Villain scares the crap out of quite a few people.*

But then, he could just turn out of have a voice modifier, and keeps in the shadows to hide his identitey so people won't laugh at him, so what do i know?

(Well, Lainer anyway, and he could just be a wuss. I dunno.)

Posted on Jan 23, 2004, 1:04 AM
from IP address 152.163.253.3

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Well how about...

by (no login)

What about Flavia from the Roman Story Arc of MST3K? I know she's a copyrighted character but I think she'd be a pretty good MAD. I mean she could use the victims as a test to see if the fanfic can drive Pearl, Bobo, and Brain Guy insane or something like that.

Posted on Jan 23, 2004, 3:38 PM
from IP address 64.80.233.194

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That may be the stupidest thing I've ever even heard of. (n/t)

by Shade (no login)

...

Posted on Jan 23, 2004, 10:19 PM
from IP address 152.163.253.3

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You mean the Mystery Villian isn't Searcher? [nt]

by The General (no login)

Huh.

Posted on Jan 23, 2004, 3:59 PM
from IP address 141.152.50.105

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No, you giant lug wrench, The secret mystery villainTM is not Searcher. [N/T]

by Lysander (no login)

Searcher and the Secret Mysterious VillainTM have three phone conversations. Helloooooo?

Posted on Jan 23, 2004, 6:34 PM
from IP address 208.151.120.56

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... Why would we make him a mystery villain the very episode after his first appearance?

by Shade did not include text (no login)

Oy

Posted on Jan 23, 2004, 10:21 PM
from IP address 152.163.253.3

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I've got one suggestion.

by Demon K. (no login)

I mean, with the various characters suggested so far (and that the fact that I geeked out and bought a action figure of him), I figured, heck, let's make the Uber-Secret Villian Starscream.

Yep, from Transformers. THAT Starscream.

I figure that, for motivation, he's planning to dump Megatron into a theater to drive him mad so he can take over, and he's been using the Quasi-Krewe as guinnea-pigs.

Or heck, let's create a Trivumerate of Evil (or at least annoying) Robots and team Starscream, Tom Servo, Bender, and any others that fit the bill to do the job.


Demon K.
--What can I say, Energon Starscream is leet.

Posted on Jan 24, 2004, 1:24 AM
from IP address 64.61.217.76

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Agreementing

by Lainer (no login)

Also, suggestating that Servo be replaced with HK-47.

Meatbags-->

Posted on Jan 24, 2004, 5:45 PM
from IP address 216.175.114.238

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I guess I might be the only one that feels this way, but-

by Cosmos (no login)

-I always assumed that our mysterious villain would be a character of our own creation at the very least, and at best, one of the riffers would volunteer. This is my personal opinion, but I find it kind of cheesy to plop an established character from somewhere else into Quasispace. We're all very creative people, and if we can't think up something for ourselves, that's kind of sad.

This could be a great setup for the second season, too. In the final episode of season 1, we reveal that the villain is actually so-and-so, then end it on a cliffhanger with he/she/it seemingly at the mercy of a horde of angry riffers. In the second season, our villain bribes/blackmails one or more of the riffers to help him/her/it escape and the season progresses as the riffers pursue the fleeing villain through various theaters. He/she/it can set up automated theaters to catch/slow/destroy the riffers or hire/bribe/blackmail various riffers as Mads. The riffers are now fighting through the theaters with a clear goal of killing the mysterious villain (and optionally the villain can have the one piece of technology needed to get everyone out of Quasispace).

I don't know, am I the only one thinking along these lines?

Cosmos

Posted on Jan 24, 2004, 7:57 PM
from IP address 12.73.132.20

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That actually was kinda my original intention.

by Shade (no login)

'Cept without the 'Chasing him through Quasispace' deal, but I tend not to think that far ahead.

But gosh darnit, everyone else seemed to be having so much fun.

Posted on Jan 25, 2004, 12:13 AM
from IP address 152.163.253.3

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The original character thing seemed to be a given, yes.

by O. Hakubi (no login)

Also - and this is just personal opinion - it would be nice if, after 107, the characters were returned home temporarily. Six months, we'll say. Mostly for the sake of any side stories, filler or character development (HA!) that may occur or need to take place. Also, it could make for a halfway decent "you've ruined my plans, blah blah blah, I will return" moment.

Caring strangely too much about this...

Posted on Jan 25, 2004, 12:35 AM
from IP address 24.195.121.126

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Some thoughts.

by Idiotbox (no login)

If the characters were allowed to leave Quasispace at the end of the season then, we could start the second season [if we ever get that far] with a revenge type plot e.g. character A follows character B back into the theatre to get revenge on character B. Or something.

Also, if the mystery villain turns out to be one of the riffers would having it be someone who no one else suspects [say Cosmos] would have the most dramatic effect, right?

Further to that pint, does it make more sense if said character is someone whose been around since the beginning [say the first two episodes]?

Posted on Jan 27, 2004, 11:14 AM
from IP address 213.249.179.79

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It's a given that I/we would use an original char. The rejects are there for fun.

by Chimera (no login)

Call it the 'what if' post.

Though as I said at the bottom, if for some reason most of Quasispace jumped up and shouted in one voice, WE MUST HAVE TOYMAN (or Tom Servo or the Triphids), than obviously I would've had to make him our villian.

On a side note about the Starscream/whatever triumverate, while this is a funny idea, we already have about half a dozen non-player characters already. Let's not add in ninety more we need to keep track of... at the very least, let's kill off some old ones.

THIEF: [hefts a hammer] Magical Wrench Fairy go squish now!
[*WHAM*]

Posted on Jan 25, 2004, 5:11 AM
from IP address 172.157.15.60

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Why not have the mother/fatherbrain Phil be the major badguy?

by Zelyhon (no login)

You know, trying to mold one of the riffers into the one that the Phils are seeking...


Well, I found it amusing. As a side note, if we ever need characters, I have stored characters from far too many RPs I never got going that could be (ab)used on a whim.

Posted on Jan 26, 2004, 11:24 PM
from IP address 67.121.169.243

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I suppose an original character could work...

by Demon K. (no login)

...probably should work.

I have this one villian character named Mister Blank (quickie summary - think 'Centuries-old, self-healing shapeshifting assassin') I've been using on-and-off (on a few mesageboards) and I suppose, if you like him, we can use him.

But not as the Uber-Secret-Bad.

I have the idea of, just as the USB hired Lance Walker to monitor the Quasi-Krewe, the USB hired Mister Blank to monitor Walker (secretly, of course). Should Lance lose control of the 'experiment', Blank steps in and takes over. Oniko suggested that 'our heroes' go back home after this grand adventure, heck, we could have Blank do the "I'll send you back to Dream City if you let me go" deal. Then for second season, we could bring him back occasionaly (along with the USB, whenever we figure out who/what he/she/it is.

Then again, it's just an idea. Let me know if this seems workable and I'll add more to Blank's bio.


Demon K.
--Who likes typing (with apostrophes)

Posted on Jan 25, 2004, 2:12 PM
from IP address 64.61.217.54

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Hmmm.

by t.ogre (no login)

First, I must say watching Shade respond to the posts is like watching Simon Cowell during "American Idol" auditions. I'm amused.

As far as an ubervillain, I don't think we even need to address that yet. I wouldn't mind seeing Searcher return as the watcher, and have Shade battle Searcher at the end of 107, but I'd like to see the ubervillain stay in the background for quite a while, with hints and clues about him/her/it/whatever, but in no way do we need to introduce or even address the ubervillain in 107, especially since we're in the middle of the first season (13 episodes per season, remember?).

Oh, and Chimera, I've got some ideas about the ubervillian. I'll e-mail you.

t.ogre
qwfh

Posted on Jan 29, 2004, 4:05 AM
from IP address 143.166.226.18

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Shade has nothing on Simon Cowell.

by Idiotbox (no login)

/I must say watching Shade respond to the posts is like watching Simon Cowell during "American Idol" auditions./

If you thought that was something, you should have seen him on the original Pop Idol over here. Ouch.

Posted on Jan 29, 2004, 12:08 PM
from IP address 213.249.179.79

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Err, is that good or bad? (n/t)

by Shade (no login)

Haven't had television in over a year.

Posted on Jan 29, 2004, 2:52 PM
from IP address 152.163.253.3

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ep 104 obscure

by 20X3 Lainer (no login)

I was going to put this off for a few more days, but I just found it half done on my computer, so I figured what the hell, and ended up finishing it. A few of these might overlap with the music list, and I honestly don't care.

VIPER: I'd like to introduce the President, the President's husband, and her
mistress.

---

DRAGO <Aladdin>: Good teens take off their clothes!

Lainer: I don't know, on the one hand, some people might not get it. On the other hand, if you *haven't* heard of it, you probably haven't been on the internet long enough.

---

> Jasmine hung her head low ignoring the bidding war, she did not even
> look to see her new master.

ZANDAR <Papa Lazarou>: Your my wife, now.
M: Mozanrath?

---

> He has been trying to
> find the secret to imortality.

COSMOS <Ally>: Why doesn't he just use cinnabar, mercury and arsenic?
M <Bob>: He says it disagrees with his stomach.

---

M: No, that's a fake dick. *That's* a wrap.
[M points to a mass of fruit salad held together with Glad Wrap, marching around
the tank. It holds a sign reading, "Get the fuck off my house. Bitch."]

---

> "Actually we are here for information, we wanna know where we can find
> Francis Newman Stien." Kaitlin said.

ZANDAR <Asuka>: STIEN!

---

ZANDAR <mob>: Learn to read, motherfucker!
M <Ally>: No, I-
ZANDAR <mob>: I said learn to read! [mimes beating M with a bat]
M <Ally>: I can't- OH GOD!

---

DRAGO <Dave>: And if that stream should become a rushing torrent, a raging
cataract, why I shall ford that womanly river...

---

> Ally gets three more wishes!

DRAGO <Ally>: How about... a beer mug that never runs out of beer?
M <genie>: Your wish is my command.
[DRAGO mimes picking up and drinking a beer mug]
DRAGO <Ally>: Hmm, this is pretty good. How about two more of these?

Lainer: I'm not sure if this counts as obscure, but I'm going to tell you about it anyways. FOX's children's programing segment used to have a quartly magazine that was sent to subscibers, and they'd have some sort of original comic based on whatever shows were on at that time. Well, in one issue they had a comic for Mad Jack the Pirate where Jack and his first mate Snuk were trapped in the middle of a desert. Snuk found a genie's bottle, and the above situation took place. Needless to say, Jack looked about ready to turn Snuk into two half Snuks after the end of the comic.

---

> Far from camp, in the cold desert night the ghost of the bare wench
> dropped cheryl on the cold rocky ground.

M <ghost>: Crap! Ran out of Pathos. Now where did I leave that Fetter...?

---

DRAGO <professor Schwarr, the root beer drinking man>: Now, Mr. Johnson, if we
could discuss those punch cards...

---

> in the phoenix sub-urbs...

SDR: Tenchi was hitting on Athena, Sephiroth was working off his community
service, and Aki was angsting... *again*.

Lainer: yeah, okay, I'm sorry. I know the thing about injokes, but it just seemed to fit. There's this MUX that I used to frequent called phoenix where all the characters are from either anime or video games. Needless to say, interesting situations arouse.

---

> meanwhile back in the living room...

NNIRK <southern accent>: Operator? Get me room 321, please.

---

DAVID: Maybe I should've just shouted 'HAMMER TIME!'
DUB: ...no. No, you shouldn't. Ever.

---

> "OH YES OH YEAH."

DUB: That was the best track off the '1977' album! I can see screaming it out
during orgasm.


---

DAVID: But without any miners, you can't get the diamond, and then you can't buy
the Runaway Five's freedom, and- [notices others staring] ...never mind.

---

NNIRK: Excuse me, creepy narrator, but you've already told us you were pinned
with absolutely no possibility of escape. How exactly would you manage to
forfeit your life?
MAX: Simple. Bite his tongue and bleed to death.
SDR: Or use an eyelash and a fingernail.

---

> She tried to rationalize it again. Somebody dressed up as a vampyre to
> play a joke on her,

DAVID <Mark Kendall>: I do not look like a vampire!

Lainer: from the early Jim Carrey movie Once Bitten. After Carrey gets turned into a vampire he starts wearing all black clothing, a black trench coat, and black sunglasses. While he's going to a halloween party with his girlfirend every keeps stopping him and telling him that he has a great vampire costume, which causes him to respond with the above. It's true too, he looked more like the Terminator.

---

DUB <boy>: My life is dead, my soul is dead, my love is dead, my little cactus I
bought in Arizona is dead.

---

DUB: Psh. Put away the Blackfire elemental before Joseph tracks you down, pussy.

---

T.OGRE <Joe C>: Yo, kid! Tell 'em what yer name is!
BRANDT: [bolts to his feet, upsetting EON] My name is BRAAAAAAANNNNN-

--

LAINER: Kick ass! A soul labret!

--

EON <Andrew>: I've got a feeling. A feeling I can't hide... oh, no.

--

> I guess that means that he goes to my school.* She noticed that she was
shaking
> and stopped.

THIEF <Kyra>: Yeah, that's enough thinking about Samsung in one day.

--
> "My dad always tells me that I’m just like my grandmother when she was
> twelve Erica," Kyra replied to her best friend.

BRANDT <Kyra>: Yeah, want to see the necklace she left me? That's odd, I wonder
why it's pointing down the hallway.

Lainer: The resemblances between Kyra and Escaflowne's Hitmomi are made later on in the fic, but I got the first one. Huzzah. This one's refering to Hitomi's magic necklace that points in the direction of really bad events.

Editing note: I'm an idiot for not noticing this, but I should have dropped the "yeah" from that line. I thought Kyra's friend was talking...

--

> Now that brought whispers from the class. "I wonder if he’ll be able to
> speak Japanese," whispered a boy.

ROBBIE: Yes, but only in his Sailor Soldier form.

Lainer: I took this one from a stupid Sailor Moon fic that I think either Dragomorph or Meagan MSTed. If it wasn't them, then I don't have the slightest idea who did it.

--

BRANDT: That's one hell of a gaze attack.

Another editing note, and this one's obvious enough that I'm surprised that no one caught it.

--

BRANDT: Because Der Kommisar's in town.
ALL <nodding sagely>: Whoa-oooh.

--

> "I know I’ve sensed it before, but now I forgot where."
>
> "That’s the same with us Kyra," said Kristen.

KAO: These people must be related to Shinnosuke.

--

LAINER <Kristen>: That's because they don't have women in America, sweetie.
THIEF: Not since O'Neill's Plague, at least.

--

LAINER <Kyo>: We must search for "him."
EON <Benitora>: Yes, it could only be "him" behind this.
KAO <Yuya>: But can we really defeat "him?"
BRANDT <Sanada>: We can only hope, for if "he" rises we'll revert to Civil War.
ROBBIE: JUST FUCKING SAY HIS NAME ALREADY!
[Beat.]
LAINER <Kyo>: Yes, "he" is the cause of all this evil.
[ROBBIE seethes.]

--

When he heard the

BRANDT: -music years before, but the man there said the music wouldn't play?

> sound,

BRANDT: I was wrong? Nng! I blame you for this! [points a finger at the
entrance] Bang!

--

> Her senses suddenly sensed that presence again and she quickly shot her
> head up again.

T.OGRE: Cracking it against the cabinet, stumbling into the cabinet of dolls,
before finally collapsing atop the pile of life-saving junk mail.

Lainer: The junk mail might be throwing me off, but isn't this how you save the Babblefish in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy game?

--

> Kyra quickly ran to her window and opened it.

LAINER <Clarissa>: Oh, hey Sam.
[A guitar twangs in the background.]

Lainer: From Melissa Joan Hart's first TV show, Clarissa Explains It All. Sam would always, and only, enter the scene by climbing in through Clarissa's bedroom window. It should be noted that I like this TV show far more than I really should.

--

But it suddenly glowed

T.OGRE: -causing the Matrix-born mirror to stop working. She'd go to see Sparrow
in the morning to have it repaired.

--

BRANDT: Aaahhh! Its the thing from the end of THE LURKING HORROR! Run for your
life before it kills us all!

--

THIEF: At which point her body launched an infant out the window at Mach 12 who
grew old and crash-landed in a grave on the other side of the planet.
ROBBIE: I'm not even going to ask.

Lainer: And Robbie shouldn't have to, since he's probably seen it. Thief's refering to a british Xbox commercial.

--

> As she looked out the window at the lake, she noticed a ripple in the
> surface.

JAKE <Sanford>: Now y'all stop tossin' my wine in the lake!

--

GEN: Geez, John Haloren's surfacing *again*. Doesn't anyone know how to hide a
body in a lake anymore?

Lainer: Actually, the whole point of this riff was to have Jake make it; this was way before Gen's time. It's a referance to Francis Ford Coppola's first film, Dementia 13.

--

CHAR <looking at the magazine>: Seems like transparent miniskirts are in, and
women's rights are out. What a surprise.

Lainer: At the time I wrote that, miniskirts with transperant butts were aperantly all the rage in Japan.

--

> It
> pushed its head down inside the tight denim and ran down, splitting her
> jeans open as it moved down her panties.

ICE: Well, it had to do that; to stop her from suffocating.
ONIKO: Yea. If its moment of indecisiveness had caused her to die, then it could
never have lived with itself.

Lainer: Yeah, okay, I'm never going to live this one down. This is a referance to the hentai game Nocturnal Illusion. At one point the main character gets attacked by one of his housemates wearing a suit of evil armor. He stops her, but after geting the armor off he finds that she's unconcous. He then removes all of her clothing except her panties under the pretense that they might be preventing her from breathing, but that still doesn't solve anything. If you then choose not to remove her panties, you get text similar to the above. For the record I heard about the game from Sharkey (http://www.solidsharkey.com/nocturnal.html) and SA (http://somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=466); I've actually never played a Hentai game.

--

> She cried out and tossed, her eyes closed and face
> flushed, as the three serpent-heads sucked her breasts

GEN: -trying very hard to ignore the fact that Lord Tyler was taking up most of
the room.

--

> one stretching inside her body from
> that one spot within her,

GEN: -also known as the biological thermonuclear bomb that the alien race hid in
her clone body.

--

> and she shrieked as a long serpent thrust up
> between her legs and parted the lips of her vagina.

ONIKO: However, there was already a Remington water-pistol pressed in there by a
Dare the lesbian assassin.

--

ONIKO: If you don't kill him with the one correct object in the game within five
turns, he'll keep getting angrier and angrier until he'll appear to calm down
only to rip you to shreds with his oversized teeth. [nods sagely]

--

JAKE <Jessica Fletcher>: I don't know about the rest of the world, but Cabot
Cove has been quiet lately.

--

CHAR: ...then came the Night Wraith brigade and then they overwhelmed the moon
frogs and then the Yellow Priest knew he was fucked.

--


Posted on Nov 2, 2003, 11:14 PM
from IP address 216.175.96.145

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Only a couple.

by Penfold (no login)

VIPER: I'd like to introduce the President, the President's husband, and her
mistress.

---

DRAGO <Aladdin>: Good teens take off their clothes!

Lainer: I don't know, on the one hand, some people might not get it. On the other hand, if you *haven't* heard of it, you probably haven't been on the internet long enough.

---

> Jasmine hung her head low ignoring the bidding war, she did not even
> look to see her new master.

ZANDAR <Papa Lazarou>: Your my wife, now.
M: Mozanrath?

---

> He has been trying to
> find the secret to imortality.

COSMOS <Ally>: Why doesn't he just use cinnabar, mercury and arsenic?
M <Bob>: He says it disagrees with his stomach.

---

M: No, that's a fake dick. *That's* a wrap.
[M points to a mass of fruit salad held together with Glad Wrap, marching around
the tank. It holds a sign reading, "Get the fuck off my house. Bitch."]

---

> "Actually we are here for information, we wanna know where we can find
> Francis Newman Stien." Kaitlin said.

ZANDAR <Asuka>: STIEN!

---

ZANDAR <mob>: Learn to read, motherfucker!
M <Ally>: No, I-
ZANDAR <mob>: I said learn to read! [mimes beating M with a bat]
M <Ally>: I can't- OH GOD!

---

DRAGO <Dave>: And if that stream should become a rushing torrent, a raging
cataract, why I shall ford that womanly river...

---

> Ally gets three more wishes!

DRAGO <Ally>: How about... a beer mug that never runs out of beer?
M <genie>: Your wish is my command.
[DRAGO mimes picking up and drinking a beer mug]
DRAGO <Ally>: Hmm, this is pretty good. How about two more of these?

Lainer: I'm not sure if this counts as obscure, but I'm going to tell you about it anyways. FOX's children's programing segment used to have a quartly magazine that was sent to subscibers, and they'd have some sort of original comic based on whatever shows were on at that time. Well, in one issue they had a comic for Mad Jack the Pirate where Jack and his first mate Snuk were trapped in the middle of a desert. Snuk found a genie's bottle, and the above situation took place. Needless to say, Jack looked about ready to turn Snuk into two half Snuks after the end of the comic.

---

> Far from camp, in the cold desert night the ghost of the bare wench
> dropped cheryl on the cold rocky ground.

M <ghost>: Crap! Ran out of Pathos. Now where did I leave that Fetter...?

---

DRAGO <professor Schwarr, the root beer drinking man>: Now, Mr. Johnson, if we
could discuss those punch cards...

---

> in the phoenix sub-urbs...

SDR: Tenchi was hitting on Athena, Sephiroth was working off his community
service, and Aki was angsting... *again*.

Lainer: yeah, okay, I'm sorry. I know the thing about injokes, but it just seemed to fit. There's this MUX that I used to frequent called phoenix where all the characters are from either anime or video games. Needless to say, interesting situations arouse.

---

> meanwhile back in the living room...

NNIRK <southern accent>: Operator? Get me room 321, please.

---

DAVID: Maybe I should've just shouted 'HAMMER TIME!'
DUB: ...no. No, you shouldn't. Ever.

Penfold: A reference to MC Hammer that should probably go in the Riffola Musica section. I'll have to agree with dub's response, by the way.

---

> "OH YES OH YEAH."

DUB: That was the best track off the '1977' album! I can see screaming it out
during orgasm.


---

DAVID: But without any miners, you can't get the diamond, and then you can't buy
the Runaway Five's freedom, and- [notices others staring] ...never mind.

---

NNIRK: Excuse me, creepy narrator, but you've already told us you were pinned
with absolutely no possibility of escape. How exactly would you manage to
forfeit your life?
MAX: Simple. Bite his tongue and bleed to death.
SDR: Or use an eyelash and a fingernail.

---

> She tried to rationalize it again. Somebody dressed up as a vampyre to
> play a joke on her,

DAVID <Mark Kendall>: I do not look like a vampire!

Lainer: from the early Jim Carrey movie Once Bitten. After Carrey gets turned into a vampire he starts wearing all black clothing, a black trench coat, and black sunglasses. While he's going to a halloween party with his girlfirend every keeps stopping him and telling him that he has a great vampire costume, which causes him to respond with the above. It's true too, he looked more like the Terminator.

---

DUB <boy>: My life is dead, my soul is dead, my love is dead, my little cactus I
bought in Arizona is dead.

---

DUB: Psh. Put away the Blackfire elemental before Joseph tracks you down, pussy.

---

T.OGRE <Joe C>: Yo, kid! Tell 'em what yer name is!
BRANDT: [bolts to his feet, upsetting EON] My name is BRAAAAAAANNNNN-

Penfold: More Musica. This is the beginning to Kid Rock's "Bawidaba," or something close to it.

--

LAINER: Kick ass! A soul labret!

--

EON <Andrew>: I've got a feeling. A feeling I can't hide... oh, no.

--

> I guess that means that he goes to my school.* She noticed that she was
shaking
> and stopped.

THIEF <Kyra>: Yeah, that's enough thinking about Samsung in one day.

Penfold: "Samsung means 'to come.'" This was a flash that was linked to on the Ballad a couple months before we started this episode.

--
> "My dad always tells me that I’m just like my grandmother when she was
> twelve Erica," Kyra replied to her best friend.

BRANDT <Kyra>: Yeah, want to see the necklace she left me? That's odd, I wonder
why it's pointing down the hallway.

Lainer: The resemblances between Kyra and Escaflowne's Hitmomi are made later on in the fic, but I got the first one. Huzzah. This one's refering to Hitomi's magic necklace that points in the direction of really bad events.

Editing note: I'm an idiot for not noticing this, but I should have dropped the "yeah" from that line. I thought Kyra's friend was talking...

--

> Now that brought whispers from the class. "I wonder if he’ll be able to
> speak Japanese," whispered a boy.

ROBBIE: Yes, but only in his Sailor Soldier form.

Lainer: I took this one from a stupid Sailor Moon fic that I think either Dragomorph or Meagan MSTed. If it wasn't them, then I don't have the slightest idea who did it.

--

BRANDT: That's one hell of a gaze attack.

Another editing note, and this one's obvious enough that I'm surprised that no one caught it.

--

BRANDT: Because Der Kommisar's in town.
ALL <nodding sagely>: Whoa-oooh.

--

> "I know I’ve sensed it before, but now I forgot where."
>
> "That’s the same with us Kyra," said Kristen.

KAO: These people must be related to Shinnosuke.

Penfold: Shinnosuke is the broom-weilding guardian of Ryugenzawa in Ranma 1/2. His memory holds information almost as well as the average net holds water.

--

LAINER <Kristen>: That's because they don't have women in America, sweetie.
THIEF: Not since O'Neill's Plague, at least.

--

LAINER <Kyo>: We must search for "him."
EON <Benitora>: Yes, it could only be "him" behind this.
KAO <Yuya>: But can we really defeat "him?"
BRANDT <Sanada>: We can only hope, for if "he" rises we'll revert to Civil War.
ROBBIE: JUST FUCKING SAY HIS NAME ALREADY!
[Beat.]
LAINER <Kyo>: Yes, "he" is the cause of all this evil.
[ROBBIE seethes.]

--

When he heard the

BRANDT: -music years before, but the man there said the music wouldn't play?

> sound,

BRANDT: I was wrong? Nng! I blame you for this! [points a finger at the
entrance] Bang!

--

> Her senses suddenly sensed that presence again and she quickly shot her
> head up again.

T.OGRE: Cracking it against the cabinet, stumbling into the cabinet of dolls,
before finally collapsing atop the pile of life-saving junk mail.

Lainer: The junk mail might be throwing me off, but isn't this how you save the Babblefish in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy game?

--

> Kyra quickly ran to her window and opened it.

LAINER <Clarissa>: Oh, hey Sam.
[A guitar twangs in the background.]

Lainer: From Melissa Joan Hart's first TV show, Clarissa Explains It All. Sam would always, and only, enter the scene by climbing in through Clarissa's bedroom window. It should be noted that I like this TV show far more than I really should.

--

But it suddenly glowed

T.OGRE: -causing the Matrix-born mirror to stop working. She'd go to see Sparrow
in the morning to have it repaired.

--

BRANDT: Aaahhh! Its the thing from the end of THE LURKING HORROR! Run for your
life before it kills us all!

--

THIEF: At which point her body launched an infant out the window at Mach 12 who
grew old and crash-landed in a grave on the other side of the planet.
ROBBIE: I'm not even going to ask.

Lainer: And Robbie shouldn't have to, since he's probably seen it. Thief's refering to a british Xbox commercial.

--

> As she looked out the window at the lake, she noticed a ripple in the
> surface.

JAKE <Sanford>: Now y'all stop tossin' my wine in the lake!

Penfold: I'm assuming that this Sanford has male progeny, as in "Sanford and Son."

--

GEN: Geez, John Haloren's surfacing *again*. Doesn't anyone know how to hide a
body in a lake anymore?

Lainer: Actually, the whole point of this riff was to have Jake make it; this was way before Gen's time. It's a referance to Francis Ford Coppola's first film, Dementia 13.
Penfold: ...I'm not sure I want to know...

--

CHAR <looking at the magazine>: Seems like transparent miniskirts are in, and
women's rights are out. What a surprise.

Lainer: At the time I wrote that, miniskirts with transperant butts were aperantly all the rage in Japan.

--

> It
> pushed its head down inside the tight denim and ran down, splitting her
> jeans open as it moved down her panties.

ICE: Well, it had to do that; to stop her from suffocating.
ONIKO: Yea. If its moment of indecisiveness had caused her to die, then it could
never have lived with itself.

Lainer: Yeah, okay, I'm never going to live this one down. This is a referance to the hentai game Nocturnal Illusion. At one point the main character gets attacked by one of his housemates wearing a suit of evil armor. He stops her, but after geting the armor off he finds that she's unconcous. He then removes all of her clothing except her panties under the pretense that they might be preventing her from breathing, but that still doesn't solve anything. If you then choose not to remove her panties, you get text similar to the above. For the record I heard about the game from Sharkey (http://www.solidsharkey.com/nocturnal.html) and SA (http://somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=466); I've actually never played a Hentai game.

--

> She cried out and tossed, her eyes closed and face
> flushed, as the three serpent-heads sucked her breasts

GEN: -trying very hard to ignore the fact that Lord Tyler was taking up most of
the room.

--

> one stretching inside her body from
> that one spot within her,

GEN: -also known as the biological thermonuclear bomb that the alien race hid in
her clone body.

Penfold: Is the the "Jean Bomb" (that ain't a typo) from Uncanny X-Men?

--

> and she shrieked as a long serpent thrust up
> between her legs and parted the lips of her vagina.

ONIKO: However, there was already a Remington water-pistol pressed in there by a
Dare the lesbian assassin.

--

ONIKO: If you don't kill him with the one correct object in the game within five
turns, he'll keep getting angrier and angrier until he'll appear to calm down
only to rip you to shreds with his oversized teeth. [nods sagely]

--

JAKE <Jessica Fletcher>: I don't know about the rest of the world, but Cabot
Cove has been quiet lately.

Penfold: From "Murder, She Wrote." If you visited Cabot Cove, Maine, it was to kill someone. If not, you were either the victim or framed for the murder.

--

CHAR: ...then came the Night Wraith brigade and then they overwhelmed the moon
frogs and then the Yellow Priest knew he was fucked.

--



Posted on Nov 3, 2003, 1:27 AM
from IP address 24.130.81.205

Respond to this message

Return to Index

Couple more, left some.

by Chimera (no login)

VIPER: I'd like to introduce the President, the President's husband, and her mistress.

---

DRAGO <Aladdin>: Good teens take off their clothes!

Lainer: I don't know, on the one hand, some people might not get it. On the other hand, if you *haven't* heard of it, you probably haven't been on the internet long enough.

---

> Jasmine hung her head low ignoring the bidding war, she did not even
> look to see her new master.

ZANDAR <Papa Lazarou>: Your my wife, now.
M: Mozanrath?

---

> He has been trying to
> find the secret to imortality.

COSMOS <Ally>: Why doesn't he just use cinnabar, mercury and arsenic?
M <Bob>: He says it disagrees with his stomach.

---

M: No, that's a fake dick. *That's* a wrap.
[M points to a mass of fruit salad held together with Glad Wrap, marching around
the tank. It holds a sign reading, "Get the fuck off my house. Bitch."]

---

> "Actually we are here for information, we wanna know where we can find
> Francis Newman Stien." Kaitlin said.

ZANDAR <Asuka>: STIEN!

---

ZANDAR <mob>: Learn to read, motherfucker!
M <Ally>: No, I-
ZANDAR <mob>: I said learn to read! [mimes beating M with a bat]
M <Ally>: I can't- OH GOD!

Chimera: From the www.sixsixfive.com website, a new take on the 'fight against illiteracy' programs.

---

DRAGO <Dave>: And if that stream should become a rushing torrent, a raging cataract, why I shall ford that womanly river...

Chimera: From 'The Kids in the Hall'... Dave talks about how he's the Guy Who's Okay About Menstration, and goes on in exhaustive detail about how he can handle even the heaviest flows.

---

> Ally gets three more wishes!

DRAGO <Ally>: How about... a beer mug that never runs out of beer?
M <genie>: Your wish is my command.
[DRAGO mimes picking up and drinking a beer mug]
DRAGO <Ally>: Hmm, this is pretty good. How about two more of these?

Lainer: I'm not sure if this counts as obscure, but I'm going to tell you about it anyways. FOX's children's programing segment used to have a quartly magazine that was sent to subscibers, and they'd have some sort of original comic based on whatever shows were on at that time. Well, in one issue they had a comic for Mad Jack the Pirate where Jack and his first mate Snuk were trapped in the middle of a desert. Snuk found a genie's bottle, and the above situation took place. Needless to say, Jack looked about ready to turn Snuk into two half Snuks after the end of the comic.

---

> Far from camp, in the cold desert night the ghost of the bare wench
> dropped cheryl on the cold rocky ground.

M <ghost>: Crap! Ran out of Pathos. Now where did I leave that Fetter...?

---

DRAGO <professor Schwarr, the root beer drinking man>: Now, Mr. Johnson, if we could discuss those punch cards...

---

> in the phoenix sub-urbs...

SDR: Tenchi was hitting on Athena, Sephiroth was working off his community service, and Aki was angsting... *again*.

Lainer: yeah, okay, I'm sorry. I know the thing about injokes, but it just seemed to fit. There's this MUX that I used to frequent called phoenix where all the characters are from either anime or video games. Needless to say, interesting situations arouse.

---

> meanwhile back in the living room...

NNIRK <southern accent>: Operator? Get me room 321, please.

---

DAVID: Maybe I should've just shouted 'HAMMER TIME!'
DUB: ...no. No, you shouldn't. Ever.

Penfold: A reference to MC Hammer that should probably go in the Riffola Musica section. I'll have to agree with dub's response, by the way.
Chimera: Sadly I feel COMPELLED to shout 'HAMMERTIME!' whenever somebody shouts STOP. It's a sickness, I know!

---

> "OH YES OH YEAH."

DUB: That was the best track off the '1977' album! I can see screaming it out during orgasm.

---

DAVID: But without any miners, you can't get the diamond, and then you can't buy the Runaway Five's freedom, and- [notices others staring] ...never mind.

---

NNIRK: Excuse me, creepy narrator, but you've already told us you were pinned with absolutely no possibility of escape. How exactly would you manage to forfeit your life?
MAX: Simple. Bite his tongue and bleed to death.
SDR: Or use an eyelash and a fingernail.

---

> She tried to rationalize it again. Somebody dressed up as a vampyre to
> play a joke on her,

DAVID <Mark Kendall>: I do not look like a vampire!

Lainer: from the early Jim Carrey movie Once Bitten. After Carrey gets turned into a vampire he starts wearing all black clothing, a black trench coat, and black sunglasses. While he's going to a halloween party with his girlfirend every keeps stopping him and telling him that he has a great vampire costume, which causes him to respond with the above. It's true too, he looked more like the Terminator.

---

DUB <boy>: My life is dead, my soul is dead, my love is dead, my little cactus I bought in Arizona is dead.

---

DUB: Psh. Put away the Blackfire elemental before Joseph tracks you down, pussy.

---

T.OGRE <Joe C>: Yo, kid! Tell 'em what yer name is!
BRANDT: [bolts to his feet, upsetting EON] My name is BRAAAAAAANNNNN-

Penfold: More Musica. This is the beginning to Kid Rock's "Bawidaba," or something close to it.

--

LAINER: Kick ass! A soul labret!



--

EON <Andrew>: I've got a feeling. A feeling I can't hide... oh, no.

--

> I guess that means that he goes to my school.* She noticed that she was shaking
> and stopped.

THIEF <Kyra>: Yeah, that's enough thinking about Samsung in one day.

Penfold: "Samsung means 'to come.'" This was a flash that was linked to on the Ballad a couple months before we started this episode.

--
> "My dad always tells me that I’m just like my grandmother when she was
> twelve Erica," Kyra replied to her best friend.

BRANDT <Kyra>: Yeah, want to see the necklace she left me? That's odd, I wonder why it's pointing down the hallway.

Lainer: The resemblances between Kyra and Escaflowne's Hitmomi are made later on in the fic, but I got the first one. Huzzah. This one's refering to Hitomi's magic necklace that points in the direction of really bad events.

Editing note: I'm an idiot for not noticing this, but I should have dropped the "yeah" from that line. I thought Kyra's friend was talking...

--

> Now that brought whispers from the class. "I wonder if he’ll be able to
> speak Japanese," whispered a boy.

ROBBIE: Yes, but only in his Sailor Soldier form.

Lainer: I took this one from a stupid Sailor Moon fic that I think either Dragomorph or Meagan MSTed. If it wasn't them, then I don't have the slightest idea who did it.

--

BRANDT: That's one hell of a gaze attack.

Another editing note, and this one's obvious enough that I'm surprised that no one caught it.

--

BRANDT: Because Der Kommisar's in town.
ALL <nodding sagely>: Whoa-oooh.

Chimera: Man, I disguised a LOT of music riffs as normal ones, didn't I?

--

> "I know I’ve sensed it before, but now I forgot where."
>
> "That’s the same with us Kyra," said Kristen.

KAO: These people must be related to Shinnosuke.

Penfold: Shinnosuke is the broom-weilding guardian of Ryugenzawa in Ranma 1/2. His memory holds information almost as well as the average net holds water.

--

LAINER <Kristen>: That's because they don't have women in America, sweetie.
THIEF: Not since O'Neill's Plague, at least.

--

LAINER <Kyo>: We must search for "him."
EON <Benitora>: Yes, it could only be "him" behind this.
KAO <Yuya>: But can we really defeat "him?"
BRANDT <Sanada>: We can only hope, for if "he" rises we'll revert to Civil War.
ROBBIE: JUST FUCKING SAY HIS NAME ALREADY!
[Beat.]
LAINER <Kyo>: Yes, "he" is the cause of all this evil.
[ROBBIE seethes.]

--

When he heard the

BRANDT: -music years before, but the man there said the music wouldn't play?

> sound,

BRANDT: I was wrong? Nng! I blame you for this! [points a finger at the entrance] Bang!

Chimera: The first bit's actually a music ref to Don McLean's "The Day the Music Died". The second bit's just Brandt getting frustrated and blaming the door.

--

> Her senses suddenly sensed that presence again and she quickly shot her
> head up again.

T.OGRE: Cracking it against the cabinet, stumbling into the cabinet of dolls, before finally collapsing atop the pile of life-saving junk mail.

Lainer: The junk mail might be throwing me off, but isn't this how you save the Babblefish in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy game?
Chimera: Nope. "The Kids in the Hall", this is Kevin MacDonald's tale of how junk mail saved his life (by stopping the bleeding from his head when he cracked it on a cabinet by standing up too fast). Fun guess though.

--

> Kyra quickly ran to her window and opened it.

LAINER <Clarissa>: Oh, hey Sam.
[A guitar twangs in the background.]

Lainer: From Melissa Joan Hart's first TV show, Clarissa Explains It All. Sam would always, and only, enter the scene by climbing in through Clarissa's bedroom window. It should be noted that I like this TV show far more than I really should.

--

But it suddenly glowed

T.OGRE: -causing the Matrix-born mirror to stop working. She'd go to see Sparrow in the morning to have it repaired.

Chimera: This is a reference to David Drake's Northworld trilogy. See, these artificers in the Northworld use this sub-universe called the Matrix to craft things. A glowing magic necklace interfered with the mirror's connection to the Matrix, causing this princess chick to need to see Sparrow to get it fixed.

--

BRANDT: Aaahhh! Its the thing from the end of THE LURKING HORROR! Run for your life before it kills us all!

--

THIEF: At which point her body launched an infant out the window at Mach 12 who grew old and crash-landed in a grave on the other side of the planet.
ROBBIE: I'm not even going to ask.

Lainer: And Robbie shouldn't have to, since he's probably seen it. Thief's refering to a british Xbox commercial.

--

> As she looked out the window at the lake, she noticed a ripple in the
> surface.

JAKE <Sanford>: Now y'all stop tossin' my wine in the lake!

Penfold: I'm assuming that this Sanford has male progeny, as in "Sanford and Son."
Chimera: Yep. See, Sanford was always drinking Ripple wine...

--

GEN: Geez, John Haloren's surfacing *again*. Doesn't anyone know how to hide a body in a lake anymore?

Lainer: Actually, the whole point of this riff was to have Jake make it; this was way before Gen's time. It's a referance to Francis Ford Coppola's first film, Dementia 13.
Penfold: ...I'm not sure I want to know...

--

CHAR <looking at the magazine>: Seems like transparent miniskirts are in, and women's rights are out. What a surprise.

Lainer: At the time I wrote that, miniskirts with transperant butts were apparently all the rage in Japan.

--

> It
> pushed its head down inside the tight denim and ran down, splitting her
> jeans open as it moved down her panties.

ICE: Well, it had to do that; to stop her from suffocating.
ONIKO: Yea. If its moment of indecisiveness had caused her to die, then it could never have lived with itself.

Lainer: Yeah, okay, I'm never going to live this one down. This is a referance to the hentai game Nocturnal Illusion. At one point the main character gets attacked by one of his housemates wearing a suit of evil armor. He stops her, but after geting the armor off he finds that she's unconcous. He then removes all of her clothing except her panties under the pretense that they might be preventing her from breathing, but that still doesn't solve anything. If you then choose not to remove her panties, you get text similar to the above. For the record I heard about the game from Sharkey (http://www.solidsharkey.com/nocturnal.html) and SA (http://somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=466); I've actually never played a Hentai game.

--

> She cried out and tossed, her eyes closed and face
> flushed, as the three serpent-heads sucked her breasts

GEN: -trying very hard to ignore the fact that Lord Tyler was taking up most of the room.

Chimera: In Heavy Metal 2000, evildoer Tyler sucks on heroine Julie's breasts. It stuck with me because it's the only sex scene in a movie which should've been overflowing with them.

--

> one stretching inside her body from
> that one spot within her,

GEN: -also known as the biological thermonuclear bomb that the alien race hid in her clone body.

Penfold: Is the the "Jean Bomb" (that ain't a typo) from Uncanny X-Men?
Chimera: Nope. It's a reference to 'Imposter', a seemingly unknown film with Gary Sinese about a government gone (understandably) mad with paranoia trying to find bio-nukes that aliens hid in artificial humans.

--

> and she shrieked as a long serpent thrust up
> between her legs and parted the lips of her vagina.

ONIKO: However, there was already a Remington water-pistol pressed in there by a Dare the lesbian assassin.

--

ONIKO: If you don't kill him with the one correct object in the game within five turns, he'll keep getting angrier and angrier until he'll appear to calm down only to rip you to shreds with his oversized teeth. [nods sagely]

--

JAKE <Jessica Fletcher>: I don't know about the rest of the world, but Cabot Cove has been quiet lately.

Penfold: From "Murder, She Wrote." If you visited Cabot Cove, Maine, it was to kill someone. If not, you were either the victim or framed for the murder.

--

CHAR: ...then came the Night Wraith brigade and then they overwhelmed the moon frogs and then the Yellow Priest knew he was fucked.

--

Posted on Nov 3, 2003, 3:00 AM
from IP address 172.134.114.54

Respond to this message

Return to Index

More obscure than I thought...

by Dragomorph (no login)

VIPER: I'd like to introduce the President, the President's husband, and her mistress.

Dragomorph: Oy vey, this is hard to explain... I don't know a DANG thing about the movie this is from. I just remember hearing a snippet of it in a commercial for what I THINK is a movie channel, or something in England. It's actually bastardized to fit the situation. Anybody know? I think it's a National Lampoon film, or something.

---

DRAGO <Aladdin>: Good teens take off their clothes!

Lainer: I don't know, on the one hand, some people might not get it. On the other hand, if you *haven't* heard of it, you probably haven't been on the internet long enough.

---
> Jasmine hung her head low ignoring the bidding war, she did not even
> look to see her new master.

ZANDAR <Papa Lazarou>: Your my wife, now.
M: Mozanrath?

Dragomorph: Don't know much 'bout the former, but Mozanrath was a villain from the TV version of Aladdin, and quite possibly the only example of a Disney villain who can honestly be described as "bish." Incidentally, that's the wrong "your," damnit.

---
> He has been trying to
> find the secret to imortality.

COSMOS <Ally>: Why doesn't he just use cinnabar, mercury and arsenic?
M <Bob>: He says it disagrees with his stomach.

Dragomorph: Bwa ha. You can TELL I wrote this riff during my Asian History class. Cinnabar, mercury and arsenic is the Daoist formula for immortality. Not that it WORKED, of course...

---
M: No, that's a fake dick. *That's* a wrap.
[M points to a mass of fruit salad held together with Glad Wrap, marching around
the tank. It holds a sign reading, "Get the fuck off my house. Bitch."]

---
> "Actually we are here for information, we wanna know where we can find
> Francis Newman Stien." Kaitlin said.

ZANDAR <Asuka>: STIEN!

---

ZANDAR <mob>: Learn to read, motherfucker!
M <Ally>: No, I-
ZANDAR <mob>: I said learn to read! [mimes beating M with a bat]
M <Ally>: I can't- OH GOD!

Chimera: From the www.sixsixfive.com website, a new take on the 'fight against illiteracy' programs.

---

DRAGO <Dave>: And if that stream should become a rushing torrent, a raging cataract, why I shall ford that womanly river...

Chimera: From 'The Kids in the Hall'... Dave talks about how he's the Guy Who's Okay About Menstration, and goes on in exhaustive detail about how he can handle even the heaviest flows.

---

> Ally gets three more wishes!

DRAGO <Ally>: How about... a beer mug that never runs out of beer?
M <genie>: Your wish is my command.
[DRAGO mimes picking up and drinking a beer mug]
DRAGO <Ally>: Hmm, this is pretty good. How about two more of these?

Lainer: I'm not sure if this counts as obscure, but I'm going to tell you about it anyways. FOX's children's programing segment used to have a quartly magazine that was sent to subscibers, and they'd have some sort of original comic based on whatever shows were on at that time. Well, in one issue they had a comic for Mad Jack the Pirate where Jack and his first mate Snuk were trapped in the middle of a desert. Snuk found a genie's bottle, and the above situation took place. Needless to say, Jack looked about ready to turn Snuk into two half Snuks after the end of the comic.

---

> Far from camp, in the cold desert night the ghost of the bare wench
> dropped cheryl on the cold rocky ground.

M <ghost>: Crap! Ran out of Pathos. Now where did I leave that Fetter...?

---

DRAGO <professor Schwarr, the root beer drinking man>: Now, Mr. Johnson, if we could discuss those punch cards...

---

> in the phoenix sub-urbs...

SDR: Tenchi was hitting on Athena, Sephiroth was working off his community service, and Aki was angsting... *again*.

Lainer: yeah, okay, I'm sorry. I know the thing about injokes, but it just seemed to fit. There's this MUX that I used to frequent called phoenix where all the characters are from either anime or video games. Needless to say, interesting situations arouse.

---

> meanwhile back in the living room...

NNIRK <southern accent>: Operator? Get me room 321, please.

---

DAVID: Maybe I should've just shouted 'HAMMER TIME!'
DUB: ...no. No, you shouldn't. Ever.

Penfold: A reference to MC Hammer that should probably go in the Riffola Musica section. I'll have to agree with dub's response, by the way.
Chimera: Sadly I feel COMPELLED to shout 'HAMMERTIME!' whenever somebody shouts STOP. It's a sickness, I know!

---

> "OH YES OH YEAH."

DUB: That was the best track off the '1977' album! I can see screaming it out during orgasm.

---

DAVID: But without any miners, you can't get the diamond, and then you can't buy the Runaway Five's freedom, and- [notices others staring] ...never mind.

Dragomorph: Half-assed Earthbound reference. One of the sidequests requires you to get a diamond from some miners who are having problems in their cave. Incidentally, I am between the second and the fourth best riffer in this group. ^_^

---

NNIRK: Excuse me, creepy narrator, but you've already told us you were pinned with absolutely no possibility of escape. How exactly would you manage to forfeit your life?
MAX: Simple. Bite his tongue and bleed to death.
SDR: Or use an eyelash and a fingernail.

---

> She tried to rationalize it again. Somebody dressed up as a vampyre to
> play a joke on her,

DAVID <Mark Kendall>: I do not look like a vampire!

Lainer: from the early Jim Carrey movie Once Bitten. After Carrey gets turned into a vampire he starts wearing all black clothing, a black trench coat, and black sunglasses. While he's going to a halloween party with his girlfirend every keeps stopping him and telling him that he has a great vampire costume, which causes him to respond with the above. It's true too, he looked more like the Terminator.

---

DUB <boy>: My life is dead, my soul is dead, my love is dead, my little cactus I bought in Arizona is dead.

---

DUB: Psh. Put away the Blackfire elemental before Joseph tracks you down, pussy.

---

T.OGRE <Joe C>: Yo, kid! Tell 'em what yer name is!
BRANDT: [bolts to his feet, upsetting EON] My name is BRAAAAAAANNNNN-

Penfold: More Musica. This is the beginning to Kid Rock's "Bawidaba," or something close to it.

--

LAINER: Kick ass! A soul labret!

--

EON <Andrew>: I've got a feeling. A feeling I can't hide... oh, no.

--

> I guess that means that he goes to my school.* She noticed that she was shaking
> and stopped.

THIEF <Kyra>: Yeah, that's enough thinking about Samsung in one day.

Penfold: "Samsung means 'to come.'" This was a flash that was linked to on the Ballad a couple months before we started this episode.

--

> "My dad always tells me that I’m just like my grandmother when she was
> twelve Erica," Kyra replied to her best friend.

BRANDT <Kyra>: Yeah, want to see the necklace she left me? That's odd, I wonder why it's pointing down the hallway.

Lainer: The resemblances between Kyra and Escaflowne's Hitmomi are made later on in the fic, but I got the first one. Huzzah. This one's refering to Hitomi's magic necklace that points in the direction of really bad events.
Editing note: I'm an idiot for not noticing this, but I should have dropped the "yeah" from that line. I thought Kyra's friend was talking...

--

> Now that brought whispers from the class. "I wonder if he’ll be able to
> speak Japanese," whispered a boy.

ROBBIE: Yes, but only in his Sailor Soldier form.

Lainer: I took this one from a stupid Sailor Moon fic that I think either Dragomorph or Meagan MSTed. If it wasn't them, then I don't have the slightest idea who did it.
Dragomorph: Doesn't sound like one I did...
--

BRANDT: That's one hell of a gaze attack.

Another editing note, and this one's obvious enough that I'm surprised that no one caught it.

--

BRANDT: Because Der Kommisar's in town.
ALL <nodding sagely>: Whoa-oooh.

Chimera: Man, I disguised a LOT of music riffs as normal ones, didn't I?

--
> "I know I’ve sensed it before, but now I forgot where."
>
> "That’s the same with us Kyra," said Kristen.

KAO: These people must be related to Shinnosuke.

Penfold: Shinnosuke is the broom-weilding guardian of Ryugenzawa in Ranma 1/2. His memory holds information almost as well as the average net holds water.

--

LAINER <Kristen>: That's because they don't have women in America, sweetie.
THIEF: Not since O'Neill's Plague, at least.

--

LAINER <Kyo>: We must search for "him."
EON <Benitora>: Yes, it could only be "him" behind this.
KAO <Yuya>: But can we really defeat "him?"
BRANDT <Sanada>: We can only hope, for if "he" rises we'll revert to Civil War.
ROBBIE: JUST FUCKING SAY HIS NAME ALREADY!
[Beat.]
LAINER <Kyo>: Yes, "he" is the cause of all this evil.
[ROBBIE seethes.]

Dragomorph: This is mocking the half-assed fansub job in the B-rated anime "Samurai Deeper Kyo," possibly the only anime set in the time of Nobunaga that STILL manages to stuff Tokyo Tower in by the last episode. Basically, for half the show, the characters refer to a "him" without telling us who "he" is, and then even when it's revealed who "he" is, they STILL freaking say "him." Shitty, shitty anime.

--
When he heard the

BRANDT: -music years before, but the man there said the music wouldn't play?

> sound,

BRANDT: I was wrong? Nng! I blame you for this! [points a finger at the entrance] Bang!

Chimera: The first bit's actually a music ref to Don McLean's "The Day the Music Died". The second bit's just Brandt getting frustrated and blaming the door.

--

> Her senses suddenly sensed that presence again and she quickly shot her
> head up again.

T.OGRE: Cracking it against the cabinet, stumbling into the cabinet of dolls, before finally collapsing atop the pile of life-saving junk mail.

Lainer: The junk mail might be throwing me off, but isn't this how you save the Babblefish in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy game?
Chimera: Nope. "The Kids in the Hall", this is Kevin MacDonald's tale of how junk mail saved his life (by stopping the bleeding from his head when he cracked it on a cabinet by standing up too fast). Fun guess though.

--

> Kyra quickly ran to her window and opened it.

LAINER <Clarissa>: Oh, hey Sam.
[A guitar twangs in the background.]

Lainer: From Melissa Joan Hart's first TV show, Clarissa Explains It All. Sam would always, and only, enter the scene by climbing in through Clarissa's bedroom window. It should be noted that I like this TV show far more than I really should.

--

But it suddenly glowed

T.OGRE: -causing the Matrix-born mirror to stop working. She'd go to see Sparrow in the morning to have it repaired.

Chimera: This is a reference to David Drake's Northworld trilogy. See, these artificers in the Northworld use this sub-universe called the Matrix to craft things. A glowing magic necklace interfered with the mirror's connection to the Matrix, causing this princess chick to need to see Sparrow to get it fixed.

--

BRANDT: Aaahhh! Its the thing from the end of THE LURKING HORROR! Run for your life before it kills us all!

--

THIEF: At which point her body launched an infant out the window at Mach 12 who grew old and crash-landed in a grave on the other side of the planet.
ROBBIE: I'm not even going to ask.

Lainer: And Robbie shouldn't have to, since he's probably seen it. Thief's refering to a british Xbox commercial.

--

> As she looked out the window at the lake, she noticed a ripple in the
> surface.

JAKE <Sanford>: Now y'all stop tossin' my wine in the lake!

Penfold: I'm assuming that this Sanford has male progeny, as in "Sanford and Son."
Chimera: Yep. See, Sanford was always drinking Ripple wine...

--

GEN: Geez, John Haloren's surfacing *again*. Doesn't anyone know how to hide a body in a lake anymore?

Lainer: Actually, the whole point of this riff was to have Jake make it; this was way before Gen's time. It's a referance to Francis Ford Coppola's first film, Dementia 13.
Penfold: ...I'm not sure I want to know...

--

CHAR <looking at the magazine>: Seems like transparent miniskirts are in, and women's rights are out. What a surprise.

Lainer: At the time I wrote that, miniskirts with transperant butts were apparently all the rage in Japan.

--

> It
> pushed its head down inside the tight denim and ran down, splitting her
> jeans open as it moved down her panties.

ICE: Well, it had to do that; to stop her from suffocating.
ONIKO: Yea. If its moment of indecisiveness had caused her to die, then it could never have lived with itself.

Lainer: Yeah, okay, I'm never going to live this one down. This is a referance to the hentai game Nocturnal Illusion. At one point the main character gets attacked by one of his housemates wearing a suit of evil armor. He stops her, but after geting the armor off he finds that she's unconcous. He then removes all of her clothing except her panties under the pretense that they might be preventing her from breathing, but that still doesn't solve anything. If you then choose not to remove her panties, you get text similar to the above. For the record I heard about the game from Sharkey (http://www.solidsharkey.com/nocturnal.html) and SA (http://somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=466); I've actually never played a Hentai game.
Dragomorph: Suuuure you haven't.

--

> She cried out and tossed, her eyes closed and face
> flushed, as the three serpent-heads sucked her breasts

GEN: -trying very hard to ignore the fact that Lord Tyler was taking up most of the room.

Chimera: In Heavy Metal 2000, evildoer Tyler sucks on heroine Julie's breasts. It stuck with me because it's the only sex scene in a movie which should've been overflowing with them.

--
> one stretching inside her body from
> that one spot within her,

GEN: -also known as the biological thermonuclear bomb that the alien race hid in her clone body.

Penfold: Is the the "Jean Bomb" (that ain't a typo) from Uncanny X-Men?
Chimera: Nope. It's a reference to 'Imposter', a seemingly unknown film with Gary Sinese about a government gone (understandably) mad with paranoia trying to find bio-nukes that aliens hid in artificial humans.

--

> and she shrieked as a long serpent thrust up
> between her legs and parted the lips of her vagina.

ONIKO: However, there was already a Remington water-pistol pressed in there by a Dare the lesbian assassin.

--

ONIKO: If you don't kill him with the one correct object in the game within five turns, he'll keep getting angrier and angrier until he'll appear to calm down only to rip you to shreds with his oversized teeth. [nods sagely]

--

JAKE <Jessica Fletcher>: I don't know about the rest of the world, but Cabot Cove has been quiet lately.

Penfold: From "Murder, She Wrote." If you visited Cabot Cove, Maine, it was to kill someone. If not, you were either the victim or framed for the murder.

--

CHAR: ...then came the Night Wraith brigade and then they overwhelmed the moon frogs and then the Yellow Priest knew he was fucked.

--

Drago addition: Because I believe in giving credit where it's due, and because I'm a smug little bunnydragon:

SDR <Vampyre>: I'm a VAMPYRE!
NNIRK <Abby>: No, I'm a mage, and you're a BOX.

Drago: This is about as obscure as I get. While on the surface, it's a basic Vampire ref, it's actually a reference to a very, VERY specific event. A friend of a friend of mine apparently was at a hotel one night where a Vampire: The Masquerade LARP was taking place. While in the bathroom, some foolish person assumed he was part of the game as well and walked up to him, stating, "I'm a VAMPIRE!" My friend's friend, aware of the game in question, replied, "No, I'm a mage, and you're a box." Even went to the GM and informed him of this, so for the rest of the night the poor sod was a box. Har har.

Posted on Nov 3, 2003, 4:06 AM
from IP address 66.165.22.121

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A few minor additions.

by Schwere Viper (no login)

VIPER: I'd like to introduce the President, the President's husband, and her mistress.

Dragomorph: Oy vey, this is hard to explain... I don't know a DANG thing about the movie this is from. I just remember hearing a snippet of it in a commercial for what I THINK is a movie channel, or something in England. It's actually bastardized to fit the situation. Anybody know? I think it's a National Lampoon film, or something.

---

DRAGO <Aladdin>: Good teens take off their clothes!

Lainer: I don't know, on the one hand, some people might not get it. On the other hand, if you *haven't* heard of it, you probably haven't been on the internet long enough.

---
> Jasmine hung her head low ignoring the bidding war, she did not even
> look to see her new master.

ZANDAR <Papa Lazarou>: Your my wife, now.
M: Mozanrath?

Dragomorph: Don't know much 'bout the former, but Mozanrath was a villain from the TV version of Aladdin, and quite possibly the only example of a Disney villain who can honestly be described as "bish." Incidentally, that's the wrong "your," damnit.

---
> He has been trying to
> find the secret to imortality.

COSMOS <Ally>: Why doesn't he just use cinnabar, mercury and arsenic?
M <Bob>: He says it disagrees with his stomach.

Dragomorph: Bwa ha. You can TELL I wrote this riff during my Asian History class. Cinnabar, mercury and arsenic is the Daoist formula for immortality. Not that it WORKED, of course...

---

M: No, that's a fake dick. *That's* a wrap.
[M points to a mass of fruit salad held together with Glad Wrap, marching around
the tank. It holds a sign reading, "Get the fuck off my house. Bitch."]

Viper: This? Oh, this! This is just one of my mind pukes. Dismiss with a chuckle. ^_^

---
> "Actually we are here for information, we wanna know where we can find
> Francis Newman Stien." Kaitlin said.

ZANDAR <Asuka>: STIEN!

---

ZANDAR <mob>: Learn to read, motherfucker!
M <Ally>: No, I-
ZANDAR <mob>: I said learn to read! [mimes beating M with a bat]
M <Ally>: I can't- OH GOD!

Chimera: From the www.sixsixfive.com website, a new take on the 'fight against illiteracy' programs.

---

DRAGO <Dave>: And if that stream should become a rushing torrent, a raging cataract, why I shall ford that womanly river...

Chimera: From 'The Kids in the Hall'... Dave talks about how he's the Guy Who's Okay About Menstration, and goes on in exhaustive detail about how he can handle even the heaviest flows.

---

> Ally gets three more wishes!

DRAGO <Ally>: How about... a beer mug that never runs out of beer?
M <genie>: Your wish is my command.
[DRAGO mimes picking up and drinking a beer mug]
DRAGO <Ally>: Hmm, this is pretty good. How about two more of these?

Lainer: I'm not sure if this counts as obscure, but I'm going to tell you about it anyways. FOX's children's programing segment used to have a quartly magazine that was sent to subscibers, and they'd have some sort of original comic based on whatever shows were on at that time. Well, in one issue they had a comic for Mad Jack the Pirate where Jack and his first mate Snuk were trapped in the middle of a desert. Snuk found a genie's bottle, and the above situation took place. Needless to say, Jack looked about ready to turn Snuk into two half Snuks after the end of the comic.

---

> Far from camp, in the cold desert night the ghost of the bare wench
> dropped cheryl on the cold rocky ground.

M <ghost>: Crap! Ran out of Pathos. Now where did I leave that Fetter...?

---

DRAGO <professor Schwarr, the root beer drinking man>: Now, Mr. Johnson, if we could discuss those punch cards...

---

> in the phoenix sub-urbs...

SDR: Tenchi was hitting on Athena, Sephiroth was working off his community service, and Aki was angsting... *again*.

Lainer: yeah, okay, I'm sorry. I know the thing about injokes, but it just seemed to fit. There's this MUX that I used to frequent called phoenix where all the characters are from either anime or video games. Needless to say, interesting situations arose.

---

> meanwhile back in the living room...

NNIRK <southern accent>: Operator? Get me room 321, please.

---

DAVID: Maybe I should've just shouted 'HAMMER TIME!'
DUB: ...no. No, you shouldn't. Ever.

Penfold: A reference to MC Hammer that should probably go in the Riffola Musica section. I'll have to agree with dub's response, by the way.
Chimera: Sadly I feel COMPELLED to shout 'HAMMERTIME!' whenever somebody shouts STOP. It's a sickness, I know!

---

> "OH YES OH YEAH."

DUB: That was the best track off the '1977' album! I can see screaming it out during orgasm.

---

DAVID: But without any miners, you can't get the diamond, and then you can't buy the Runaway Five's freedom, and- [notices others staring] ...never mind.

Dragomorph: Half-assed Earthbound reference. One of the sidequests requires you to get a diamond from some miners who are having problems in their cave. Incidentally, I am between the second and the fourth best riffer in this group. ^_^

---

NNIRK: Excuse me, creepy narrator, but you've already told us you were pinned with absolutely no possibility of escape. How exactly would you manage to forfeit your life?
MAX: Simple. Bite his tongue and bleed to death.
SDR: Or use an eyelash and a fingernail.

---

> She tried to rationalize it again. Somebody dressed up as a vampyre to
> play a joke on her,

DAVID <Mark Kendall>: I do not look like a vampire!

Lainer: from the early Jim Carrey movie Once Bitten. After Carrey gets turned into a vampire he starts wearing all black clothing, a black trench coat, and black sunglasses. While he's going to a halloween party with his girlfirend every keeps stopping him and telling him that he has a great vampire costume, which causes him to respond with the above. It's true too, he looked more like the Terminator.

---

DUB <boy>: My life is dead, my soul is dead, my love is dead, my little cactus I bought in Arizona is dead.

---

DUB: Psh. Put away the Blackfire elemental before Joseph tracks you down, pussy.

---

T.OGRE <Joe C>: Yo, kid! Tell 'em what yer name is!
BRANDT: [bolts to his feet, upsetting EON] My name is BRAAAAAAANNNNN-

Penfold: More Musica. This is the beginning to Kid Rock's "Bawidaba," or something close to it.

--

LAINER: Kick ass! A soul labret!

--

EON <Andrew>: I've got a feeling. A feeling I can't hide... oh, no.

--

> I guess that means that he goes to my school.* She noticed that she was shaking
> and stopped.

THIEF <Kyra>: Yeah, that's enough thinking about Samsung in one day.

Penfold: "Samsung means 'to come.'" This was a flash that was linked to on the Ballad a couple months before we started this episode.

Viper: It was a by a Korean woman who apparently felt like Samsung came to her house and screwed her. Literally. I'm sorry I ever posted that link. T_T

--

> "My dad always tells me that I’m just like my grandmother when she was
> twelve Erica," Kyra replied to her best friend.

BRANDT <Kyra>: Yeah, want to see the necklace she left me? That's odd, I wonder why it's pointing down the hallway.

Lainer: The resemblances between Kyra and Escaflowne's Hitmomi are made later on in the fic, but I got the first one. Huzzah. This one's refering to Hitomi's magic necklace that points in the direction of really bad events.
Editing note: I'm an idiot for not noticing this, but I should have dropped the "yeah" from that line. I thought Kyra's friend was talking...

--

> Now that brought whispers from the class. "I wonder if he’ll be able to
> speak Japanese," whispered a boy.

ROBBIE: Yes, but only in his Sailor Soldier form.

Lainer: I took this one from a stupid Sailor Moon fic that I think either Dragomorph or Meagan MSTed. If it wasn't them, then I don't have the slightest idea who did it.
Dragomorph: Doesn't sound like one I did...
--

BRANDT: That's one hell of a gaze attack.

Another editing note, and this one's obvious enough that I'm surprised that no one caught it.

Viper: ...Pokemon?

--

BRANDT: Because Der Kommisar's in town.
ALL <nodding sagely>: Whoa-oooh.

Chimera: Man, I disguised a LOT of music riffs as normal ones, didn't I?

--
> "I know I’ve sensed it before, but now I forgot where."
>
> "That’s the same with us Kyra," said Kristen.

KAO: These people must be related to Shinnosuke.

Penfold: Shinnosuke is the broom-weilding guardian of Ryugenzawa in Ranma 1/2. His memory holds information almost as well as the average net holds water.

--

LAINER <Kristen>: That's because they don't have women in America, sweetie.
THIEF: Not since O'Neill's Plague, at least.

--

LAINER <Kyo>: We must search for "him."
EON <Benitora>: Yes, it could only be "him" behind this.
KAO <Yuya>: But can we really defeat "him?"
BRANDT <Sanada>: We can only hope, for if "he" rises we'll revert to Civil War.
ROBBIE: JUST FUCKING SAY HIS NAME ALREADY!
[Beat.]
LAINER <Kyo>: Yes, "he" is the cause of all this evil.
[ROBBIE seethes.]

Dragomorph: This is mocking the half-assed fansub job in the B-rated anime "Samurai Deeper Kyo," possibly the only anime set in the time of Nobunaga that STILL manages to stuff Tokyo Tower in by the last episode. Basically, for half the show, the characters refer to a "him" without telling us who "he" is, and then even when it's revealed who "he" is, they STILL freaking say "him." Shitty, shitty anime.

--
When he heard the

BRANDT: -music years before, but the man there said the music wouldn't play?

> sound,

BRANDT: I was wrong? Nng! I blame you for this! [points a finger at the entrance] Bang!

Chimera: The first bit's actually a music ref to Don McLean's "The Day the Music Died". The second bit's just Brandt getting frustrated and blaming the door.

--

> Her senses suddenly sensed that presence again and she quickly shot her
> head up again.

T.OGRE: Cracking it against the cabinet, stumbling into the cabinet of dolls, before finally collapsing atop the pile of life-saving junk mail.

Lainer: The junk mail might be throwing me off, but isn't this how you save the Babblefish in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy game?
Chimera: Nope. "The Kids in the Hall", this is Kevin MacDonald's tale of how junk mail saved his life (by stopping the bleeding from his head when he cracked it on a cabinet by standing up too fast). Fun guess though.

--

> Kyra quickly ran to her window and opened it.

LAINER <Clarissa>: Oh, hey Sam.
[A guitar twangs in the background.]

Lainer: From Melissa Joan Hart's first TV show, Clarissa Explains It All. Sam would always, and only, enter the scene by climbing in through Clarissa's bedroom window. It should be noted that I like this TV show far more than I really should.

--

But it suddenly glowed

T.OGRE: -causing the Matrix-born mirror to stop working. She'd go to see Sparrow in the morning to have it repaired.

Chimera: This is a reference to David Drake's Northworld trilogy. See, these artificers in the Northworld use this sub-universe called the Matrix to craft things. A glowing magic necklace interfered with the mirror's connection to the Matrix, causing this princess chick to need to see Sparrow to get it fixed.

--

BRANDT: Aaahhh! Its the thing from the end of THE LURKING HORROR! Run for your life before it kills us all!

--

THIEF: At which point her body launched an infant out the window at Mach 12 who grew old and crash-landed in a grave on the other side of the planet.
ROBBIE: I'm not even going to ask.

Lainer: And Robbie shouldn't have to, since he's probably seen it. Thief's refering to a british Xbox commercial.

--

> As she looked out the window at the lake, she noticed a ripple in the
> surface.

JAKE <Sanford>: Now y'all stop tossin' my wine in the lake!

Penfold: I'm assuming that this Sanford has male progeny, as in "Sanford and Son."
Chimera: Yep. See, Sanford was always drinking Ripple wine...

--

GEN: Geez, John Haloren's surfacing *again*. Doesn't anyone know how to hide a body in a lake anymore?

Lainer: Actually, the whole point of this riff was to have Jake make it; this was way before Gen's time. It's a referance to Francis Ford Coppola's first film, Dementia 13.
Penfold: ...I'm not sure I want to know...

--

CHAR <looking at the magazine>: Seems like transparent miniskirts are in, and women's rights are out. What a surprise.

Lainer: At the time I wrote that, miniskirts with transperant butts were apparently all the rage in Japan.

--

> It
> pushed its head down inside the tight denim and ran down, splitting her
> jeans open as it moved down her panties.

ICE: Well, it had to do that; to stop her from suffocating.
ONIKO: Yea. If its moment of indecisiveness had caused her to die, then it could never have lived with itself.

Lainer: Yeah, okay, I'm never going to live this one down. This is a referance to the hentai game Nocturnal Illusion. At one point the main character gets attacked by one of his housemates wearing a suit of evil armor. He stops her, but after geting the armor off he finds that she's unconcous. He then removes all of her clothing except her panties under the pretense that they might be preventing her from breathing, but that still doesn't solve anything. If you then choose not to remove her panties, you get text similar to the above. For the record I heard about the game from Sharkey (http://www.solidsharkey.com/nocturnal.html) and SA (http://somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=466); I've actually never played a Hentai game.
Dragomorph: Suuuure you haven't.
Viper: I have. ^_______^

--

> She cried out and tossed, her eyes closed and face
> flushed, as the three serpent-heads sucked her breasts

GEN: -trying very hard to ignore the fact that Lord Tyler was taking up most of the room.

Chimera: In Heavy Metal 2000, evildoer Tyler sucks on heroine Julie's breasts. It stuck with me because it's the only sex scene in a movie which should've been overflowing with them.

--

> one stretching inside her body from
> that one spot within her,

GEN: -also known as the biological thermonuclear bomb that the alien race hid in her clone body.

Penfold: Is the the "Jean Bomb" (that ain't a typo) from Uncanny X-Men?
Chimera: Nope. It's a reference to 'Imposter', a seemingly unknown film with Gary Sinese about a government gone (understandably) mad with paranoia trying to find bio-nukes that aliens hid in artificial humans.

--

> and she shrieked as a long serpent thrust up
> between her legs and parted the lips of her vagina.

ONIKO: However, there was already a Remington water-pistol pressed in there by a Dare the lesbian assassin.

--

ONIKO: If you don't kill him with the one correct object in the game within five turns, he'll keep getting angrier and angrier until he'll appear to calm down only to rip you to shreds with his oversized teeth. [nods sagely]

--

JAKE <Jessica Fletcher>: I don't know about the rest of the world, but Cabot Cove has been quiet lately.

Penfold: From "Murder, She Wrote." If you visited Cabot Cove, Maine, it was to kill someone. If not, you were either the victim or framed for the murder.

--

CHAR: ...then came the Night Wraith brigade and then they overwhelmed the moon frogs and then the Yellow Priest knew he was fucked.

--

Drago addition: Because I believe in giving credit where it's due, and because I'm a smug little bunnydragon:

SDR <Vampyre>: I'm a VAMPYRE!
NNIRK <Abby>: No, I'm a mage, and you're a BOX.

Drago: This is about as obscure as I get. While on the surface, it's a basic Vampire ref, it's actually a reference to a very, VERY specific event. A friend of a friend of mine apparently was at a hotel one night where a Vampire: The Masquerade LARP was taking place. While in the bathroom, some foolish person assumed he was part of the game as well and walked up to him, stating, "I'm a VAMPIRE!" My friend's friend, aware of the game in question, replied, "No, I'm a mage, and you're a box." Even went to the GM and informed him of this, so for the rest of the night the poor sod was a box. Har har.


Posted on Nov 3, 2003, 5:57 AM
from IP address 211.26.97.81

Respond to this message

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Are you guys just not doing the Beatles refs so I'll have something to look for? Heh.

by (no login)

VIPER: I'd like to introduce the President, the President's husband, and her mistress.

Dragomorph: Oy vey, this is hard to explain... I don't know a DANG thing about the movie this is from. I just remember hearing a snippet of it in a commercial for what I THINK is a movie channel, or something in England. It's actually bastardized to fit the situation. Anybody know? I think it's a National Lampoon film, or something.

---

DRAGO <Aladdin>: Good teens take off their clothes!

Lainer: I don't know, on the one hand, some people might not get it. On the other hand, if you *haven't* heard of it, you probably haven't been on the internet long enough.
Sherlock: Really, Lainer. Give them the horrid details. It's basically an Aladdin thing. There was some controversy as to what he was saying in that scene where Aladdin visits the princess outside her room, and the tiger comes at him. In place of the original line, some people thought the above line could be heard with a different voice. Never heard it myself. Check the Urban Legends Reference Page.

---
> Jasmine hung her head low ignoring the bidding war, she did not even
> look to see her new master.

ZANDAR <Papa Lazarou>: Your my wife, now.
M: Mozanrath?

Dragomorph: Don't know much 'bout the former, but Mozanrath was a villain from the TV version of Aladdin, and quite possibly the only example of a Disney villain who can honestly be described as "bish." Incidentally, that's the wrong "your," damnit.

---
> He has been trying to
> find the secret to imortality.

COSMOS <Ally>: Why doesn't he just use cinnabar, mercury and arsenic?
M <Bob>: He says it disagrees with his stomach.

Dragomorph: Bwa ha. You can TELL I wrote this riff during my Asian History class. Cinnabar, mercury and arsenic is the Daoist formula for immortality. Not that it WORKED, of course...

---

M: No, that's a fake dick. *That's* a wrap.
[M points to a mass of fruit salad held together with Glad Wrap, marching around
the tank. It holds a sign reading, "Get the fuck off my house. Bitch."]

Viper: This? Oh, this! This is just one of my mind pukes. Dismiss with a chuckle. ^_^

---
> "Actually we are here for information, we wanna know where we can find
> Francis Newman Stien." Kaitlin said.

ZANDAR <Asuka>: STIEN!

---

ZANDAR <mob>: Learn to read, motherfucker!
M <Ally>: No, I-
ZANDAR <mob>: I said learn to read! [mimes beating M with a bat]
M <Ally>: I can't- OH GOD!

Chimera: From the www.sixsixfive.com website, a new take on the 'fight against illiteracy' programs.

---

DRAGO <Dave>: And if that stream should become a rushing torrent, a raging cataract, why I shall ford that womanly river...

Chimera: From 'The Kids in the Hall'... Dave talks about how he's the Guy Who's Okay About Menstration, and goes on in exhaustive detail about how he can handle even the heaviest flows.

---

> Ally gets three more wishes!

DRAGO <Ally>: How about... a beer mug that never runs out of beer?
M <genie>: Your wish is my command.
[DRAGO mimes picking up and drinking a beer mug]
DRAGO <Ally>: Hmm, this is pretty good. How about two more of these?

Lainer: I'm not sure if this counts as obscure, but I'm going to tell you about it anyways. FOX's children's programing segment used to have a quartly magazine that was sent to subscibers, and they'd have some sort of original comic based on whatever shows were on at that time. Well, in one issue they had a comic for Mad Jack the Pirate where Jack and his first mate Snuk were trapped in the middle of a desert. Snuk found a genie's bottle, and the above situation took place. Needless to say, Jack looked about ready to turn Snuk into two half Snuks after the end of the comic.

---

> Far from camp, in the cold desert night the ghost of the bare wench
> dropped cheryl on the cold rocky ground.

M <ghost>: Crap! Ran out of Pathos. Now where did I leave that Fetter...?

---

DRAGO <professor Schwarr, the root beer drinking man>: Now, Mr. Johnson, if we could discuss those punch cards...

---

> in the phoenix sub-urbs...

SDR: Tenchi was hitting on Athena, Sephiroth was working off his community service, and Aki was angsting... *again*.

Lainer: yeah, okay, I'm sorry. I know the thing about injokes, but it just seemed to fit. There's this MUX that I used to frequent called phoenix where all the characters are from either anime or video games. Needless to say, interesting situations arose.

---

> meanwhile back in the living room...

NNIRK <southern accent>: Operator? Get me room 321, please.

---

DAVID: Maybe I should've just shouted 'HAMMER TIME!'
DUB: ...no. No, you shouldn't. Ever.

Penfold: A reference to MC Hammer that should probably go in the Riffola Musica section. I'll have to agree with dub's response, by the way.
Chimera: Sadly I feel COMPELLED to shout 'HAMMERTIME!' whenever somebody shouts STOP. It's a sickness, I know!

---

> "OH YES OH YEAH."

DUB: That was the best track off the '1977' album! I can see screaming it out during orgasm.

---

DAVID: But without any miners, you can't get the diamond, and then you can't buy the Runaway Five's freedom, and- [notices others staring] ...never mind.

Dragomorph: Half-assed Earthbound reference. One of the sidequests requires you to get a diamond from some miners who are having problems in their cave. Incidentally, I am between the second and the fourth best riffer in this group. ^_^

---

NNIRK: Excuse me, creepy narrator, but you've already told us you were pinned with absolutely no possibility of escape. How exactly would you manage to forfeit your life?
MAX: Simple. Bite his tongue and bleed to death.
SDR: Or use an eyelash and a fingernail.

---

> She tried to rationalize it again. Somebody dressed up as a vampyre to
> play a joke on her,

DAVID <Mark Kendall>: I do not look like a vampire!

Lainer: from the early Jim Carrey movie Once Bitten. After Carrey gets turned into a vampire he starts wearing all black clothing, a black trench coat, and black sunglasses. While he's going to a halloween party with his girlfirend every keeps stopping him and telling him that he has a great vampire costume, which causes him to respond with the above. It's true too, he looked more like the Terminator.

---

DUB <boy>: My life is dead, my soul is dead, my love is dead, my little cactus I bought in Arizona is dead.

---

DUB: Psh. Put away the Blackfire elemental before Joseph tracks you down, pussy.

---

T.OGRE <Joe C>: Yo, kid! Tell 'em what yer name is!
BRANDT: [bolts to his feet, upsetting EON] My name is BRAAAAAAANNNNN-

Penfold: More Musica. This is the beginning to Kid Rock's "Bawidaba," or something close to it.

--

LAINER: Kick ass! A soul labret!

--

EON <Andrew>: I've got a feeling. A feeling I can't hide... oh, no.

Sherlock: This has to be the fourth or fifth Beatles ref that I've been able to get before anyone else. It's the song "I've Got a Feeling."

--

> I guess that means that he goes to my school.* She noticed that she was shaking
> and stopped.

THIEF <Kyra>: Yeah, that's enough thinking about Samsung in one day.

Penfold: "Samsung means 'to come.'" This was a flash that was linked to on the Ballad a couple months before we started this episode.

Viper: It was a by a Korean woman who apparently felt like Samsung came to her house and screwed her. Literally. I'm sorry I ever posted that link. T_T

--

> "My dad always tells me that I’m just like my grandmother when she was
> twelve Erica," Kyra replied to her best friend.

BRANDT <Kyra>: Yeah, want to see the necklace she left me? That's odd, I wonder why it's pointing down the hallway.

Lainer: The resemblances between Kyra and Escaflowne's Hitmomi are made later on in the fic, but I got the first one. Huzzah. This one's refering to Hitomi's magic necklace that points in the direction of really bad events.
Editing note: I'm an idiot for not noticing this, but I should have dropped the "yeah" from that line. I thought Kyra's friend was talking...

--

> Now that brought whispers from the class. "I wonder if he’ll be able to
> speak Japanese," whispered a boy.

ROBBIE: Yes, but only in his Sailor Soldier form.

Lainer: I took this one from a stupid Sailor Moon fic that I think either Dragomorph or Meagan MSTed. If it wasn't them, then I don't have the slightest idea who did it.
Dragomorph: Doesn't sound like one I did...
--

BRANDT: That's one hell of a gaze attack.

Another editing note, and this one's obvious enough that I'm surprised that no one caught it.

Viper: ...Pokemon?

--

BRANDT: Because Der Kommisar's in town.
ALL <nodding sagely>: Whoa-oooh.

Chimera: Man, I disguised a LOT of music riffs as normal ones, didn't I?

--
> "I know I’ve sensed it before, but now I forgot where."
>
> "That’s the same with us Kyra," said Kristen.

KAO: These people must be related to Shinnosuke.

Penfold: Shinnosuke is the broom-weilding guardian of Ryugenzawa in Ranma 1/2. His memory holds information almost as well as the average net holds water.

--

LAINER <Kristen>: That's because they don't have women in America, sweetie.
THIEF: Not since O'Neill's Plague, at least.

--

LAINER <Kyo>: We must search for "him."
EON <Benitora>: Yes, it could only be "him" behind this.
KAO <Yuya>: But can we really defeat "him?"
BRANDT <Sanada>: We can only hope, for if "he" rises we'll revert to Civil War.
ROBBIE: JUST FUCKING SAY HIS NAME ALREADY!
[Beat.]
LAINER <Kyo>: Yes, "he" is the cause of all this evil.
[ROBBIE seethes.]

Dragomorph: This is mocking the half-assed fansub job in the B-rated anime "Samurai Deeper Kyo," possibly the only anime set in the time of Nobunaga that STILL manages to stuff Tokyo Tower in by the last episode. Basically, for half the show, the characters refer to a "him" without telling us who "he" is, and then even when it's revealed who "he" is, they STILL freaking say "him." Shitty, shitty anime.

--
When he heard the

BRANDT: -music years before, but the man there said the music wouldn't play?

> sound,

BRANDT: I was wrong? Nng! I blame you for this! [points a finger at the entrance] Bang!

Chimera: The first bit's actually a music ref to Don McLean's "The Day the Music Died". The second bit's just Brandt getting frustrated and blaming the door.
[BUZZZZ!]
Sherlock: Don McLean's song is called "American Pie." Bitch.

--

> Her senses suddenly sensed that presence again and she quickly shot her
> head up again.

T.OGRE: Cracking it against the cabinet, stumbling into the cabinet of dolls, before finally collapsing atop the pile of life-saving junk mail.

Lainer: The junk mail might be throwing me off, but isn't this how you save the Babblefish in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy game?
Chimera: Nope. "The Kids in the Hall", this is Kevin MacDonald's tale of how junk mail saved his life (by stopping the bleeding from his head when he cracked it on a cabinet by standing up too fast). Fun guess though.

--

> Kyra quickly ran to her window and opened it.

LAINER <Clarissa>: Oh, hey Sam.
[A guitar twangs in the background.]

Lainer: From Melissa Joan Hart's first TV show, Clarissa Explains It All. Sam would always, and only, enter the scene by climbing in through Clarissa's bedroom window. It should be noted that I like this TV show far more than I really should.

--

But it suddenly glowed

T.OGRE: -causing the Matrix-born mirror to stop working. She'd go to see Sparrow in the morning to have it repaired.

Chimera: This is a reference to David Drake's Northworld trilogy. See, these artificers in the Northworld use this sub-universe called the Matrix to craft things. A glowing magic necklace interfered with the mirror's connection to the Matrix, causing this princess chick to need to see Sparrow to get it fixed.

--

BRANDT: Aaahhh! Its the thing from the end of THE LURKING HORROR! Run for your life before it kills us all!

--

THIEF: At which point her body launched an infant out the window at Mach 12 who grew old and crash-landed in a grave on the other side of the planet.
ROBBIE: I'm not even going to ask.

Lainer: And Robbie shouldn't have to, since he's probably seen it. Thief's refering to a british Xbox commercial.

--

> As she looked out the window at the lake, she noticed a ripple in the
> surface.

JAKE <Sanford>: Now y'all stop tossin' my wine in the lake!

Penfold: I'm assuming that this Sanford has male progeny, as in "Sanford and Son."
Chimera: Yep. See, Sanford was always drinking Ripple wine...

--

GEN: Geez, John Haloren's surfacing *again*. Doesn't anyone know how to hide a body in a lake anymore?

Lainer: Actually, the whole point of this riff was to have Jake make it; this was way before Gen's time. It's a referance to Francis Ford Coppola's first film, Dementia 13.
Penfold: ...I'm not sure I want to know...

--

CHAR <looking at the magazine>: Seems like transparent miniskirts are in, and women's rights are out. What a surprise.

Lainer: At the time I wrote that, miniskirts with transperant butts were apparently all the rage in Japan.

--

> It
> pushed its head down inside the tight denim and ran down, splitting her
> jeans open as it moved down her panties.

ICE: Well, it had to do that; to stop her from suffocating.
ONIKO: Yea. If its moment of indecisiveness had caused her to die, then it could never have lived with itself.

Lainer: Yeah, okay, I'm never going to live this one down. This is a referance to the hentai game Nocturnal Illusion. At one point the main character gets attacked by one of his housemates wearing a suit of evil armor. He stops her, but after geting the armor off he finds that she's unconcous. He then removes all of her clothing except her panties under the pretense that they might be preventing her from breathing, but that still doesn't solve anything. If you then choose not to remove her panties, you get text similar to the above. For the record I heard about the game from Sharkey (http://www.solidsharkey.com/nocturnal.html) and SA (http://somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=466); I've actually never played a Hentai game.
Dragomorph: Suuuure you haven't.
Viper: I have. ^_______^

--

> She cried out and tossed, her eyes closed and face
> flushed, as the three serpent-heads sucked her breasts

GEN: -trying very hard to ignore the fact that Lord Tyler was taking up most of the room.

Chimera: In Heavy Metal 2000, evildoer Tyler sucks on heroine Julie's breasts. It stuck with me because it's the only sex scene in a movie which should've been overflowing with them.

--

> one stretching inside her body from
> that one spot within her,

GEN: -also known as the biological thermonuclear bomb that the alien race hid in her clone body.

Penfold: Is the the "Jean Bomb" (that ain't a typo) from Uncanny X-Men?
Chimera: Nope. It's a reference to 'Imposter', a seemingly unknown film with Gary Sinese about a government gone (understandably) mad with paranoia trying to find bio-nukes that aliens hid in artificial humans.

--

> and she shrieked as a long serpent thrust up
> between her legs and parted the lips of her vagina.

ONIKO: However, there was already a Remington water-pistol pressed in there by a Dare the lesbian assassin.

--

ONIKO: If you don't kill him with the one correct object in the game within five turns, he'll keep getting angrier and angrier until he'll appear to calm down only to rip you to shreds with his oversized teeth. [nods sagely]

--

JAKE <Jessica Fletcher>: I don't know about the rest of the world, but Cabot Cove has been quiet lately.

Penfold: From "Murder, She Wrote." If you visited Cabot Cove, Maine, it was to kill someone. If not, you were either the victim or framed for the murder.

--

CHAR: ...then came the Night Wraith brigade and then they overwhelmed the moon frogs and then the Yellow Priest knew he was fucked.

--

Drago addition: Because I believe in giving credit where it's due, and because I'm a smug little bunnydragon:

SDR <Vampyre>: I'm a VAMPYRE!
NNIRK <Abby>: No, I'm a mage, and you're a BOX.

Drago: This is about as obscure as I get. While on the surface, it's a basic Vampire ref, it's actually a reference to a very, VERY specific event. A friend of a friend of mine apparently was at a hotel one night where a Vampire: The Masquerade LARP was taking place. While in the bathroom, some foolish person assumed he was part of the game as well and walked up to him, stating, "I'm a VAMPIRE!" My friend's friend, aware of the game in question, replied, "No, I'm a mage, and you're a box." Even went to the GM and informed him of this, so for the rest of the night the poor sod was a box. Har har.

Posted on Nov 3, 2003, 6:22 PM
from IP address 68.168.168.152

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I know a few...

by Demon K. (no login)

VIPER: I'd like to introduce the President, the President's husband, and her mistress.

Dragomorph: Oy vey, this is hard to explain... I don't know a DANG thing about the movie this is from. I just remember hearing a snippet of it in a commercial for what I THINK is a movie channel, or something in England. It's actually bastardized to fit the situation. Anybody know? I think it's a National Lampoon film, or something.

---

DRAGO <Aladdin>: Good teens take off their clothes!

Lainer: I don't know, on the one hand, some people might not get it. On the other hand, if you *haven't* heard of it, you probably haven't been on the internet long enough.
Sherlock: Really, Lainer. Give them the horrid details. It's basically an Aladdin thing. There was some controversy as to what he was saying in that scene where Aladdin visits the princess outside her room, and the tiger comes at him. In place of the original line, some people thought the above line could be heard with a different voice. Never heard it myself. Check the Urban Legends Reference Page.

---
> Jasmine hung her head low ignoring the bidding war, she did not even
> look to see her new master.

ZANDAR <Papa Lazarou>: Your my wife, now.
M: Mozanrath?

Dragomorph: Don't know much 'bout the former, but Mozanrath was a villain from the TV version of Aladdin, and quite possibly the only example of a Disney villain who can honestly be described as "bish." Incidentally, that's the wrong "your," damnit.

---
> He has been trying to
> find the secret to imortality.

COSMOS <Ally>: Why doesn't he just use cinnabar, mercury and arsenic?
M <Bob>: He says it disagrees with his stomach.

Dragomorph: Bwa ha. You can TELL I wrote this riff during my Asian History class. Cinnabar, mercury and arsenic is the Daoist formula for immortality. Not that it WORKED, of course...

---

M: No, that's a fake dick. *That's* a wrap.
[M points to a mass of fruit salad held together with Glad Wrap, marching around
the tank. It holds a sign reading, "Get the fuck off my house. Bitch."]

Viper: This? Oh, this! This is just one of my mind pukes. Dismiss with a chuckle. ^_^

---
> "Actually we are here for information, we wanna know where we can find
> Francis Newman Stien." Kaitlin said.

ZANDAR <Asuka>: STIEN!

---

ZANDAR <mob>: Learn to read, motherfucker!
M <Ally>: No, I-
ZANDAR <mob>: I said learn to read! [mimes beating M with a bat]
M <Ally>: I can't- OH GOD!

Chimera: From the www.sixsixfive.com website, a new take on the 'fight against illiteracy' programs.

---

DRAGO <Dave>: And if that stream should become a rushing torrent, a raging cataract, why I shall ford that womanly river...

Chimera: From 'The Kids in the Hall'... Dave talks about how he's the Guy Who's Okay About Menstration, and goes on in exhaustive detail about how he can handle even the heaviest flows.

---

> Ally gets three more wishes!

DRAGO <Ally>: How about... a beer mug that never runs out of beer?
M <genie>: Your wish is my command.
[DRAGO mimes picking up and drinking a beer mug]
DRAGO <Ally>: Hmm, this is pretty good. How about two more of these?

Lainer: I'm not sure if this counts as obscure, but I'm going to tell you about it anyways. FOX's children's programing segment used to have a quartly magazine that was sent to subscibers, and they'd have some sort of original comic based on whatever shows were on at that time. Well, in one issue they had a comic for Mad Jack the Pirate where Jack and his first mate Snuk were trapped in the middle of a desert. Snuk found a genie's bottle, and the above situation took place. Needless to say, Jack looked about ready to turn Snuk into two half Snuks after the end of the comic.

---

> Far from camp, in the cold desert night the ghost of the bare wench
> dropped cheryl on the cold rocky ground.

M <ghost>: Crap! Ran out of Pathos. Now where did I leave that Fetter...?

---

DRAGO <professor Schwarr, the root beer drinking man>: Now, Mr. Johnson, if we could discuss those punch cards...

---

> in the phoenix sub-urbs...

SDR: Tenchi was hitting on Athena, Sephiroth was working off his community service, and Aki was angsting... *again*.

Lainer: yeah, okay, I'm sorry. I know the thing about injokes, but it just seemed to fit. There's this MUX that I used to frequent called phoenix where all the characters are from either anime or video games. Needless to say, interesting situations arose.

---

> meanwhile back in the living room...

NNIRK <southern accent>: Operator? Get me room 321, please.

---

DAVID: Maybe I should've just shouted 'HAMMER TIME!'
DUB: ...no. No, you shouldn't. Ever.

Penfold: A reference to MC Hammer that should probably go in the Riffola Musica section. I'll have to agree with dub's response, by the way.
Chimera: Sadly I feel COMPELLED to shout 'HAMMERTIME!' whenever somebody shouts STOP. It's a sickness, I know!

---

> "OH YES OH YEAH."

DUB: That was the best track off the '1977' album! I can see screaming it out during orgasm.

---

DAVID: But without any miners, you can't get the diamond, and then you can't buy the Runaway Five's freedom, and- [notices others staring] ...never mind.

Dragomorph: Half-assed Earthbound reference. One of the sidequests requires you to get a diamond from some miners who are having problems in their cave. Incidentally, I am between the second and the fourth best riffer in this group. ^_^

---

NNIRK: Excuse me, creepy narrator, but you've already told us you were pinned with absolutely no possibility of escape. How exactly would you manage to forfeit your life?
MAX: Simple. Bite his tongue and bleed to death.
SDR: Or use an eyelash and a fingernail.

---

> She tried to rationalize it again. Somebody dressed up as a vampyre to
> play a joke on her,

DAVID <Mark Kendall>: I do not look like a vampire!

Lainer: from the early Jim Carrey movie Once Bitten. After Carrey gets turned into a vampire he starts wearing all black clothing, a black trench coat, and black sunglasses. While he's going to a halloween party with his girlfirend every keeps stopping him and telling him that he has a great vampire costume, which causes him to respond with the above. It's true too, he looked more like the Terminator.

---

DUB <boy>: My life is dead, my soul is dead, my love is dead, my little cactus I bought in Arizona is dead.

Krinn: This one's mine. Taken from Don Harmon's foreward in Heavy 3P0, a Scud: the Disposable Assassin TPB.

---

DUB: Psh. Put away the Blackfire elemental before Joseph tracks you down, pussy.

---

T.OGRE <Joe C>: Yo, kid! Tell 'em what yer name is!
BRANDT: [bolts to his feet, upsetting EON] My name is BRAAAAAAANNNNN-

Penfold: More Musica. This is the beginning to Kid Rock's "Bawidaba," or something close to it.

--

LAINER: Kick ass! A soul labret!

--

EON <Andrew>: I've got a feeling. A feeling I can't hide... oh, no.

Sherlock: This has to be the fourth or fifth Beatles ref that I've been able to get before anyone else. It's the song "I've Got a Feeling."

--

> I guess that means that he goes to my school.* She noticed that she was shaking
> and stopped.

THIEF <Kyra>: Yeah, that's enough thinking about Samsung in one day.

Penfold: "Samsung means 'to come.'" This was a flash that was linked to on the Ballad a couple months before we started this episode.

Viper: It was a by a Korean woman who apparently felt like Samsung came to her house and screwed her. Literally. I'm sorry I ever posted that link. T_T

--

> "My dad always tells me that I’m just like my grandmother when she was
> twelve Erica," Kyra replied to her best friend.

BRANDT <Kyra>: Yeah, want to see the necklace she left me? That's odd, I wonder why it's pointing down the hallway.

Lainer: The resemblances between Kyra and Escaflowne's Hitmomi are made later on in the fic, but I got the first one. Huzzah. This one's refering to Hitomi's magic necklace that points in the direction of really bad events.
Editing note: I'm an idiot for not noticing this, but I should have dropped the "yeah" from that line. I thought Kyra's friend was talking...

--

> Now that brought whispers from the class. "I wonder if he’ll be able to
> speak Japanese," whispered a boy.

ROBBIE: Yes, but only in his Sailor Soldier form.

Lainer: I took this one from a stupid Sailor Moon fic that I think either Dragomorph or Meagan MSTed. If it wasn't them, then I don't have the slightest idea who did it.
Dragomorph: Doesn't sound like one I did...
--

BRANDT: That's one hell of a gaze attack.

Another editing note, and this one's obvious enough that I'm surprised that no one caught it.

Viper: ...Pokemon?
Krinn:...D&D reference?

--

BRANDT: Because Der Kommisar's in town.
ALL <nodding sagely>: Whoa-oooh.

Chimera: Man, I disguised a LOT of music riffs as normal ones, didn't I?

--
> "I know I’ve sensed it before, but now I forgot where."
>
> "That’s the same with us Kyra," said Kristen.

KAO: These people must be related to Shinnosuke.

Penfold: Shinnosuke is the broom-weilding guardian of Ryugenzawa in Ranma 1/2. His memory holds information almost as well as the average net holds water.

--

LAINER <Kristen>: That's because they don't have women in America, sweetie.
THIEF: Not since O'Neill's Plague, at least.

--

LAINER <Kyo>: We must search for "him."
EON <Benitora>: Yes, it could only be "him" behind this.
KAO <Yuya>: But can we really defeat "him?"
BRANDT <Sanada>: We can only hope, for if "he" rises we'll revert to Civil War.
ROBBIE: JUST FUCKING SAY HIS NAME ALREADY!
[Beat.]
LAINER <Kyo>: Yes, "he" is the cause of all this evil.
[ROBBIE seethes.]

Dragomorph: This is mocking the half-assed fansub job in the B-rated anime "Samurai Deeper Kyo," possibly the only anime set in the time of Nobunaga that STILL manages to stuff Tokyo Tower in by the last episode. Basically, for half the show, the characters refer to a "him" without telling us who "he" is, and then even when it's revealed who "he" is, they STILL freaking say "him." Shitty, shitty anime.

--
When he heard the

BRANDT: -music years before, but the man there said the music wouldn't play?

> sound,

BRANDT: I was wrong? Nng! I blame you for this! [points a finger at the entrance] Bang!

Chimera: The first bit's actually a music ref to Don McLean's "The Day the Music Died". The second bit's just Brandt getting frustrated and blaming the door.
[BUZZZZ!]
Sherlock: Don McLean's song is called "American Pie." Bitch.

--

> Her senses suddenly sensed that presence again and she quickly shot her
> head up again.

T.OGRE: Cracking it against the cabinet, stumbling into the cabinet of dolls, before finally collapsing atop the pile of life-saving junk mail.

Lainer: The junk mail might be throwing me off, but isn't this how you save the Babblefish in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy game?
Chimera: Nope. "The Kids in the Hall", this is Kevin MacDonald's tale of how junk mail saved his life (by stopping the bleeding from his head when he cracked it on a cabinet by standing up too fast). Fun guess though.

--

> Kyra quickly ran to her window and opened it.

LAINER <Clarissa>: Oh, hey Sam.
[A guitar twangs in the background.]

Lainer: From Melissa Joan Hart's first TV show, Clarissa Explains It All. Sam would always, and only, enter the scene by climbing in through Clarissa's bedroom window. It should be noted that I like this TV show far more than I really should.

--

But it suddenly glowed

T.OGRE: -causing the Matrix-born mirror to stop working. She'd go to see Sparrow in the morning to have it repaired.

Chimera: This is a reference to David Drake's Northworld trilogy. See, these artificers in the Northworld use this sub-universe called the Matrix to craft things. A glowing magic necklace interfered with the mirror's connection to the Matrix, causing this princess chick to need to see Sparrow to get it fixed.

--

BRANDT: Aaahhh! Its the thing from the end of THE LURKING HORROR! Run for your life before it kills us all!

Krinn: Possible H.P. Lovecraft reference to either the short story "The Lurking Horror" or the movie of the same name.

--

THIEF: At which point her body launched an infant out the window at Mach 12 who grew old and crash-landed in a grave on the other side of the planet.
ROBBIE: I'm not even going to ask.

Lainer: And Robbie shouldn't have to, since he's probably seen it. Thief's refering to a british Xbox commercial.

--

> As she looked out the window at the lake, she noticed a ripple in the
> surface.

JAKE <Sanford>: Now y'all stop tossin' my wine in the lake!

Penfold: I'm assuming that this Sanford has male progeny, as in "Sanford and Son."
Chimera: Yep. See, Sanford was always drinking Ripple wine...

--

GEN: Geez, John Haloren's surfacing *again*. Doesn't anyone know how to hide a body in a lake anymore?

Lainer: Actually, the whole point of this riff was to have Jake make it; this was way before Gen's time. It's a referance to Francis Ford Coppola's first film, Dementia 13.
Penfold: ...I'm not sure I want to know...

--

CHAR <looking at the magazine>: Seems like transparent miniskirts are in, and women's rights are out. What a surprise.

Lainer: At the time I wrote that, miniskirts with transperant butts were apparently all the rage in Japan.

--

> It
> pushed its head down inside the tight denim and ran down, splitting her
> jeans open as it moved down her panties.

ICE: Well, it had to do that; to stop her from suffocating.
ONIKO: Yea. If its moment of indecisiveness had caused her to die, then it could never have lived with itself.

Lainer: Yeah, okay, I'm never going to live this one down. This is a referance to the hentai game Nocturnal Illusion. At one point the main character gets attacked by one of his housemates wearing a suit of evil armor. He stops her, but after geting the armor off he finds that she's unconcous. He then removes all of her clothing except her panties under the pretense that they might be preventing her from breathing, but that still doesn't solve anything. If you then choose not to remove her panties, you get text similar to the above. For the record I heard about the game from Sharkey (http://www.solidsharkey.com/nocturnal.html) and SA (http://somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=466); I've actually never played a Hentai game.
Dragomorph: Suuuure you haven't.
Viper: I have. ^_______^

--

> She cried out and tossed, her eyes closed and face
> flushed, as the three serpent-heads sucked her breasts

GEN: -trying very hard to ignore the fact that Lord Tyler was taking up most of the room.

Chimera: In Heavy Metal 2000, evildoer Tyler sucks on heroine Julie's breasts. It stuck with me because it's the only sex scene in a movie which should've been overflowing with them.

--

> one stretching inside her body from
> that one spot within her,

GEN: -also known as the biological thermonuclear bomb that the alien race hid in her clone body.

Penfold: Is the the "Jean Bomb" (that ain't a typo) from Uncanny X-Men?
Chimera: Nope. It's a reference to 'Imposter', a seemingly unknown film with Gary Sinese about a government gone (understandably) mad with paranoia trying to find bio-nukes that aliens hid in artificial humans.

--

> and she shrieked as a long serpent thrust up
> between her legs and parted the lips of her vagina.

ONIKO: However, there was already a Remington water-pistol pressed in there by a Dare the lesbian assassin.

--

ONIKO: If you don't kill him with the one correct object in the game within five turns, he'll keep getting angrier and angrier until he'll appear to calm down only to rip you to shreds with his oversized teeth. [nods sagely]

--

JAKE <Jessica Fletcher>: I don't know about the rest of the world, but Cabot Cove has been quiet lately.

Penfold: From "Murder, She Wrote." If you visited Cabot Cove, Maine, it was to kill someone. If not, you were either the victim or framed for the murder.

--

CHAR: ...then came the Night Wraith brigade and then they overwhelmed the moon frogs and then the Yellow Priest knew he was fucked.

Krinn. Another Lovecraft reference, this time to "The Dream Quest of Unknown Kadath". BTW, it's not 'Night Wraith', it's 'nightgaunt'.

--

Drago addition: Because I believe in giving credit where it's due, and because I'm a smug little bunnydragon:

SDR <Vampyre>: I'm a VAMPYRE!
NNIRK <Abby>: No, I'm a mage, and you're a BOX.

Drago: This is about as obscure as I get. While on the surface, it's a basic Vampire ref, it's actually a reference to a very, VERY specific event. A friend of a friend of mine apparently was at a hotel one night where a Vampire: The Masquerade LARP was taking place. While in the bathroom, some foolish person assumed he was part of the game as well and walked up to him, stating, "I'm a VAMPIRE!" My friend's friend, aware of the game in question, replied, "No, I'm a mage, and you're a box." Even went to the GM and informed him of this, so for the rest of the night the poor sod was a box. Har har.



Posted on Nov 3, 2003, 6:49 PM
from IP address 64.61.217.108

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Just one, that I owe a better explanation of at some point.

by (no login)

VIPER: I'd like to introduce the President, the President's husband, and her mistress.

Dragomorph: Oy vey, this is hard to explain... I don't know a DANG thing about the movie this is from. I just remember hearing a snippet of it in a commercial for what I THINK is a movie channel, or something in England. It's actually bastardized to fit the situation. Anybody know? I think it's a National Lampoon film, or something.

---

DRAGO <Aladdin>: Good teens take off their clothes!

Lainer: I don't know, on the one hand, some people might not get it. On the other hand, if you *haven't* heard of it, you probably haven't been on the internet long enough.
Sherlock: Really, Lainer. Give them the horrid details. It's basically an Aladdin thing. There was some controversy as to what he was saying in that scene where Aladdin visits the princess outside her room, and the tiger comes at him. In place of the original line, some people thought the above line could be heard with a different voice. Never heard it myself. Check the Urban Legends Reference Page.

---
> Jasmine hung her head low ignoring the bidding war, she did not even
> look to see her new master.

ZANDAR <Papa Lazarou>: Your my wife, now.
M: Mozanrath?

Dragomorph: Don't know much 'bout the former, but Mozanrath was a villain from the TV version of Aladdin, and quite possibly the only example of a Disney villain who can honestly be described as "bish." Incidentally, that's the wrong "your," damnit.

---
> He has been trying to
> find the secret to imortality.

COSMOS <Ally>: Why doesn't he just use cinnabar, mercury and arsenic?
M <Bob>: He says it disagrees with his stomach.

Dragomorph: Bwa ha. You can TELL I wrote this riff during my Asian History class. Cinnabar, mercury and arsenic is the Daoist formula for immortality. Not that it WORKED, of course...

---

M: No, that's a fake dick. *That's* a wrap.
[M points to a mass of fruit salad held together with Glad Wrap, marching around
the tank. It holds a sign reading, "Get the fuck off my house. Bitch."]

Viper: This? Oh, this! This is just one of my mind pukes. Dismiss with a chuckle. ^_^

---
> "Actually we are here for information, we wanna know where we can find
> Francis Newman Stien." Kaitlin said.

ZANDAR <Asuka>: STIEN!

---

ZANDAR <mob>: Learn to read, motherfucker!
M <Ally>: No, I-
ZANDAR <mob>: I said learn to read! [mimes beating M with a bat]
M <Ally>: I can't- OH GOD!

Chimera: From the www.sixsixfive.com website, a new take on the 'fight against illiteracy' programs.

---

DRAGO <Dave>: And if that stream should become a rushing torrent, a raging cataract, why I shall ford that womanly river...

Chimera: From 'The Kids in the Hall'... Dave talks about how he's the Guy Who's Okay About Menstration, and goes on in exhaustive detail about how he can handle even the heaviest flows.

---

> Ally gets three more wishes!

DRAGO <Ally>: How about... a beer mug that never runs out of beer?
M <genie>: Your wish is my command.
[DRAGO mimes picking up and drinking a beer mug]
DRAGO <Ally>: Hmm, this is pretty good. How about two more of these?

Lainer: I'm not sure if this counts as obscure, but I'm going to tell you about it anyways. FOX's children's programing segment used to have a quartly magazine that was sent to subscibers, and they'd have some sort of original comic based on whatever shows were on at that time. Well, in one issue they had a comic for Mad Jack the Pirate where Jack and his first mate Snuk were trapped in the middle of a desert. Snuk found a genie's bottle, and the above situation took place. Needless to say, Jack looked about ready to turn Snuk into two half Snuks after the end of the comic.

---

> Far from camp, in the cold desert night the ghost of the bare wench
> dropped cheryl on the cold rocky ground.

M <ghost>: Crap! Ran out of Pathos. Now where did I leave that Fetter...?

---

DRAGO <professor Schwarr, the root beer drinking man>: Now, Mr. Johnson, if we could discuss those punch cards...

---

> in the phoenix sub-urbs...

SDR: Tenchi was hitting on Athena, Sephiroth was working off his community service, and Aki was angsting... *again*.

Lainer: yeah, okay, I'm sorry. I know the thing about injokes, but it just seemed to fit. There's this MUX that I used to frequent called phoenix where all the characters are from either anime or video games. Needless to say, interesting situations arose.

---

> meanwhile back in the living room...

NNIRK <southern accent>: Operator? Get me room 321, please.

---

DAVID: Maybe I should've just shouted 'HAMMER TIME!'
DUB: ...no. No, you shouldn't. Ever.

Penfold: A reference to MC Hammer that should probably go in the Riffola Musica section. I'll have to agree with dub's response, by the way.
Chimera: Sadly I feel COMPELLED to shout 'HAMMERTIME!' whenever somebody shouts STOP. It's a sickness, I know!

---

> "OH YES OH YEAH."

DUB: That was the best track off the '1977' album! I can see screaming it out during orgasm.

---

DAVID: But without any miners, you can't get the diamond, and then you can't buy the Runaway Five's freedom, and- [notices others staring] ...never mind.

Dragomorph: Half-assed Earthbound reference. One of the sidequests requires you to get a diamond from some miners who are having problems in their cave. Incidentally, I am between the second and the fourth best riffer in this group. ^_^

---

NNIRK: Excuse me, creepy narrator, but you've already told us you were pinned with absolutely no possibility of escape. How exactly would you manage to forfeit your life?
MAX: Simple. Bite his tongue and bleed to death.
SDR: Or use an eyelash and a fingernail.

SD: Okay, I haven't actually /read/ the story in question, but I've seen enough references that I think it's valid. SDR is referring to a Star Trek Mary Sue; I don't remember if it's original or TNG. I do remember that she was Empathic, Alien, Angsty, and committed suicide after playing matchmaker for the Captain via - you guessed it - an eyelash and a fingernail.
SD: I'll Google for the reference again eventually, I think.

---

> She tried to rationalize it again. Somebody dressed up as a vampyre to
> play a joke on her,

DAVID <Mark Kendall>: I do not look like a vampire!

Lainer: from the early Jim Carrey movie Once Bitten. After Carrey gets turned into a vampire he starts wearing all black clothing, a black trench coat, and black sunglasses. While he's going to a halloween party with his girlfirend every keeps stopping him and telling him that he has a great vampire costume, which causes him to respond with the above. It's true too, he looked more like the Terminator.

---

DUB <boy>: My life is dead, my soul is dead, my love is dead, my little cactus I bought in Arizona is dead.

Krinn: This one's mine. Taken from Don Harmon's foreward in Heavy 3P0, a Scud: the Disposable Assassin TPB.

---

DUB: Psh. Put away the Blackfire elemental before Joseph tracks you down, pussy.

---

T.OGRE <Joe C>: Yo, kid! Tell 'em what yer name is!
BRANDT: [bolts to his feet, upsetting EON] My name is BRAAAAAAANNNNN-

Penfold: More Musica. This is the beginning to Kid Rock's "Bawidaba," or something close to it.

--

LAINER: Kick ass! A soul labret!

--

EON <Andrew>: I've got a feeling. A feeling I can't hide... oh, no.

Sherlock: This has to be the fourth or fifth Beatles ref that I've been able to get before anyone else. It's the song "I've Got a Feeling."

--

> I guess that means that he goes to my school.* She noticed that she was shaking
> and stopped.

THIEF <Kyra>: Yeah, that's enough thinking about Samsung in one day.

Penfold: "Samsung means 'to come.'" This was a flash that was linked to on the Ballad a couple months before we started this episode.

Viper: It was a by a Korean woman who apparently felt like Samsung came to her house and screwed her. Literally. I'm sorry I ever posted that link. T_T

--

> "My dad always tells me that I’m just like my grandmother when she was
> twelve Erica," Kyra replied to her best friend.

BRANDT <Kyra>: Yeah, want to see the necklace she left me? That's odd, I wonder why it's pointing down the hallway.

Lainer: The resemblances between Kyra and Escaflowne's Hitmomi are made later on in the fic, but I got the first one. Huzzah. This one's refering to Hitomi's magic necklace that points in the direction of really bad events.
Editing note: I'm an idiot for not noticing this, but I should have dropped the "yeah" from that line. I thought Kyra's friend was talking...

--

> Now that brought whispers from the class. "I wonder if he’ll be able to
> speak Japanese," whispered a boy.

ROBBIE: Yes, but only in his Sailor Soldier form.

Lainer: I took this one from a stupid Sailor Moon fic that I think either Dragomorph or Meagan MSTed. If it wasn't them, then I don't have the slightest idea who did it.
Dragomorph: Doesn't sound like one I did...
--

BRANDT: That's one hell of a gaze attack.

Another editing note, and this one's obvious enough that I'm surprised that no one caught it.

Viper: ...Pokemon?
Krinn: ...D&D reference?

--

BRANDT: Because Der Kommisar's in town.
ALL <nodding sagely>: Whoa-oooh.

Chimera: Man, I disguised a LOT of music riffs as normal ones, didn't I?

--
> "I know I’ve sensed it before, but now I forgot where."
>
> "That’s the same with us Kyra," said Kristen.

KAO: These people must be related to Shinnosuke.

Penfold: Shinnosuke is the broom-weilding guardian of Ryugenzawa in Ranma 1/2. His memory holds information almost as well as the average net holds water.

--

LAINER <Kristen>: That's because they don't have women in America, sweetie.
THIEF: Not since O'Neill's Plague, at least.

--

LAINER <Kyo>: We must search for "him."
EON <Benitora>: Yes, it could only be "him" behind this.
KAO <Yuya>: But can we really defeat "him?"
BRANDT <Sanada>: We can only hope, for if "he" rises we'll revert to Civil War.
ROBBIE: JUST FUCKING SAY HIS NAME ALREADY!
[Beat.]
LAINER <Kyo>: Yes, "he" is the cause of all this evil.
[ROBBIE seethes.]

Dragomorph: This is mocking the half-assed fansub job in the B-rated anime "Samurai Deeper Kyo," possibly the only anime set in the time of Nobunaga that STILL manages to stuff Tokyo Tower in by the last episode. Basically, for half the show, the characters refer to a "him" without telling us who "he" is, and then even when it's revealed who "he" is, they STILL freaking say "him." Shitty, shitty anime.

--
When he heard the

BRANDT: -music years before, but the man there said the music wouldn't play?

> sound,

BRANDT: I was wrong? Nng! I blame you for this! [points a finger at the entrance] Bang!

Chimera: The first bit's actually a music ref to Don McLean's "The Day the Music Died". The second bit's just Brandt getting frustrated and blaming the door.
[BUZZZZ!]
Sherlock: Don McLean's song is called "American Pie." Bitch.

--

> Her senses suddenly sensed that presence again and she quickly shot her
> head up again.

T.OGRE: Cracking it against the cabinet, stumbling into the cabinet of dolls, before finally collapsing atop the pile of life-saving junk mail.

Lainer: The junk mail might be throwing me off, but isn't this how you save the Babblefish in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy game?
Chimera: Nope. "The Kids in the Hall", this is Kevin MacDonald's tale of how junk mail saved his life (by stopping the bleeding from his head when he cracked it on a cabinet by standing up too fast). Fun guess though.

--

> Kyra quickly ran to her window and opened it.

LAINER <Clarissa>: Oh, hey Sam.
[A guitar twangs in the background.]

Lainer: From Melissa Joan Hart's first TV show, Clarissa Explains It All. Sam would always, and only, enter the scene by climbing in through Clarissa's bedroom window. It should be noted that I like this TV show far more than I really should.

--

But it suddenly glowed

T.OGRE: -causing the Matrix-born mirror to stop working. She'd go to see Sparrow in the morning to have it repaired.

Chimera: This is a reference to David Drake's Northworld trilogy. See, these artificers in the Northworld use this sub-universe called the Matrix to craft things. A glowing magic necklace interfered with the mirror's connection to the Matrix, causing this princess chick to need to see Sparrow to get it fixed.

--

BRANDT: Aaahhh! Its the thing from the end of THE LURKING HORROR! Run for your life before it kills us all!

Krinn: Possible H.P. Lovecraft reference to either the short story "The Lurking Horror" or the movie of the same name.

--

THIEF: At which point her body launched an infant out the window at Mach 12 who grew old and crash-landed in a grave on the other side of the planet.
ROBBIE: I'm not even going to ask.

Lainer: And Robbie shouldn't have to, since he's probably seen it. Thief's refering to a british Xbox commercial.

--

> As she looked out the window at the lake, she noticed a ripple in the
> surface.

JAKE <Sanford>: Now y'all stop tossin' my wine in the lake!

Penfold: I'm assuming that this Sanford has male progeny, as in "Sanford and Son."
Chimera: Yep. See, Sanford was always drinking Ripple wine...

--

GEN: Geez, John Haloren's surfacing *again*. Doesn't anyone know how to hide a body in a lake anymore?

Lainer: Actually, the whole point of this riff was to have Jake make it; this was way before Gen's time. It's a referance to Francis Ford Coppola's first film, Dementia 13.
Penfold: ...I'm not sure I want to know...

--

CHAR <looking at the magazine>: Seems like transparent miniskirts are in, and women's rights are out. What a surprise.

Lainer: At the time I wrote that, miniskirts with transperant butts were apparently all the rage in Japan.

--

> It
> pushed its head down inside the tight denim and ran down, splitting her
> jeans open as it moved down her panties.

ICE: Well, it had to do that; to stop her from suffocating.
ONIKO: Yea. If its moment of indecisiveness had caused her to die, then it could never have lived with itself.

Lainer: Yeah, okay, I'm never going to live this one down. This is a referance to the hentai game Nocturnal Illusion. At one point the main character gets attacked by one of his housemates wearing a suit of evil armor. He stops her, but after geting the armor off he finds that she's unconcous. He then removes all of her clothing except her panties under the pretense that they might be preventing her from breathing, but that still doesn't solve anything. If you then choose not to remove her panties, you get text similar to the above. For the record I heard about the game from Sharkey (http://www.solidsharkey.com/nocturnal.html) and SA (http://somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=466); I've actually never played a Hentai game.
Dragomorph: Suuuure you haven't.
Viper: I have. ^_______^

--

> She cried out and tossed, her eyes closed and face
> flushed, as the three serpent-heads sucked her breasts

GEN: -trying very hard to ignore the fact that Lord Tyler was taking up most of the room.

Chimera: In Heavy Metal 2000, evildoer Tyler sucks on heroine Julie's breasts. It stuck with me because it's the only sex scene in a movie which should've been overflowing with them.

--

> one stretching inside her body from
> that one spot within her,

GEN: -also known as the biological thermonuclear bomb that the alien race hid in her clone body.

Penfold: Is the the "Jean Bomb" (that ain't a typo) from Uncanny X-Men?
Chimera: Nope. It's a reference to 'Imposter', a seemingly unknown film with Gary Sinese about a government gone (understandably) mad with paranoia trying to find bio-nukes that aliens hid in artificial humans.

--

> and she shrieked as a long serpent thrust up
> between her legs and parted the lips of her vagina.

ONIKO: However, there was already a Remington water-pistol pressed in there by a Dare the lesbian assassin.

--

ONIKO: If you don't kill him with the one correct object in the game within five turns, he'll keep getting angrier and angrier until he'll appear to calm down only to rip you to shreds with his oversized teeth. [nods sagely]

--

JAKE <Jessica Fletcher>: I don't know about the rest of the world, but Cabot Cove has been quiet lately.

Penfold: From "Murder, She Wrote." If you visited Cabot Cove, Maine, it was to kill someone. If not, you were either the victim or framed for the murder.

--

CHAR: ...then came the Night Wraith brigade and then they overwhelmed the moon frogs and then the Yellow Priest knew he was fucked.

Krinn. Another Lovecraft reference, this time to "The Dream Quest of Unknown Kadath". BTW, it's not 'Night Wraith', it's 'nightgaunt'.

--

Drago addition: Because I believe in giving credit where it's due, and because I'm a smug little bunnydragon:

SDR <Vampyre>: I'm a VAMPYRE!
NNIRK <Abby>: No, I'm a mage, and you're a BOX.

Drago: This is about as obscure as I get. While on the surface, it's a basic Vampire ref, it's actually a reference to a very, VERY specific event. A friend of a friend of mine apparently was at a hotel one night where a Vampire: The Masquerade LARP was taking place. While in the bathroom, some foolish person assumed he was part of the game as well and walked up to him, stating, "I'm a VAMPIRE!" My friend's friend, aware of the game in question, replied, "No, I'm a mage, and you're a box." Even went to the GM and informed him of this, so for the rest of the night the poor sod was a box. Har har.


Posted on Nov 3, 2003, 10:38 PM
from IP address 204.186.211.77

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Nobody's gotten my only obscure ref?

by t.ogre (no login)

VIPER: I'd like to introduce the President, the President's husband, and her mistress.

Dragomorph: Oy vey, this is hard to explain... I don't know a DANG thing about the movie this is from. I just remember hearing a snippet of it in a commercial for what I THINK is a movie channel, or something in England. It's actually bastardized to fit the situation. Anybody know? I think it's a National Lampoon film, or something.

---

DRAGO <Aladdin>: Good teens take off their clothes!

Lainer: I don't know, on the one hand, some people might not get it. On the other hand, if you *haven't* heard of it, you probably haven't been on the internet long enough.
Sherlock: Really, Lainer. Give them the horrid details. It's basically an Aladdin thing. There was some controversy as to what he was saying in that scene where Aladdin visits the princess outside her room, and the tiger comes at him. In place of the original line, some people thought the above line could be heard with a different voice. Never heard it myself. Check the Urban Legends Reference Page.

---
> Jasmine hung her head low ignoring the bidding war, she did not even
> look to see her new master.

ZANDAR <Papa Lazarou>: Your my wife, now.
M: Mozanrath?

Dragomorph: Don't know much 'bout the former, but Mozanrath was a villain from the TV version of Aladdin, and quite possibly the only example of a Disney villain who can honestly be described as "bish." Incidentally, that's the wrong "your," damnit.

---
> He has been trying to
> find the secret to imortality.

COSMOS <Ally>: Why doesn't he just use cinnabar, mercury and arsenic?
M <Bob>: He says it disagrees with his stomach.

Dragomorph: Bwa ha. You can TELL I wrote this riff during my Asian History class. Cinnabar, mercury and arsenic is the Daoist formula for immortality. Not that it WORKED, of course...

---

M: No, that's a fake dick. *That's* a wrap.
[M points to a mass of fruit salad held together with Glad Wrap, marching around
the tank. It holds a sign reading, "Get the fuck off my house. Bitch."]

Viper: This? Oh, this! This is just one of my mind pukes. Dismiss with a chuckle. ^_^

---
> "Actually we are here for information, we wanna know where we can find
> Francis Newman Stien." Kaitlin said.

ZANDAR <Asuka>: STIEN!

---

ZANDAR <mob>: Learn to read, motherfucker!
M <Ally>: No, I-
ZANDAR <mob>: I said learn to read! [mimes beating M with a bat]
M <Ally>: I can't- OH GOD!

Chimera: From the www.sixsixfive.com website, a new take on the 'fight against illiteracy' programs.

---

DRAGO <Dave>: And if that stream should become a rushing torrent, a raging cataract, why I shall ford that womanly river...

Chimera: From 'The Kids in the Hall'... Dave talks about how he's the Guy Who's Okay About Menstration, and goes on in exhaustive detail about how he can handle even the heaviest flows.

---

> Ally gets three more wishes!

DRAGO <Ally>: How about... a beer mug that never runs out of beer?
M <genie>: Your wish is my command.
[DRAGO mimes picking up and drinking a beer mug]
DRAGO <Ally>: Hmm, this is pretty good. How about two more of these?

Lainer: I'm not sure if this counts as obscure, but I'm going to tell you about it anyways. FOX's children's programing segment used to have a quartly magazine that was sent to subscibers, and they'd have some sort of original comic based on whatever shows were on at that time. Well, in one issue they had a comic for Mad Jack the Pirate where Jack and his first mate Snuk were trapped in the middle of a desert. Snuk found a genie's bottle, and the above situation took place. Needless to say, Jack looked about ready to turn Snuk into two half Snuks after the end of the comic.

---

> Far from camp, in the cold desert night the ghost of the bare wench
> dropped cheryl on the cold rocky ground.

M <ghost>: Crap! Ran out of Pathos. Now where did I leave that Fetter...?

---

DRAGO <professor Schwarr, the root beer drinking man>: Now, Mr. Johnson, if we could discuss those punch cards...

---

> in the phoenix sub-urbs...

SDR: Tenchi was hitting on Athena, Sephiroth was working off his community service, and Aki was angsting... *again*.

Lainer: yeah, okay, I'm sorry. I know the thing about injokes, but it just seemed to fit. There's this MUX that I used to frequent called phoenix where all the characters are from either anime or video games. Needless to say, interesting situations arose.

---

> meanwhile back in the living room...

NNIRK <southern accent>: Operator? Get me room 321, please.

---

DAVID: Maybe I should've just shouted 'HAMMER TIME!'
DUB: ...no. No, you shouldn't. Ever.

Penfold: A reference to MC Hammer that should probably go in the Riffola Musica section. I'll have to agree with dub's response, by the way.
Chimera: Sadly I feel COMPELLED to shout 'HAMMERTIME!' whenever somebody shouts STOP. It's a sickness, I know!

---

> "OH YES OH YEAH."

DUB: That was the best track off the '1977' album! I can see screaming it out during orgasm.

---

DAVID: But without any miners, you can't get the diamond, and then you can't buy the Runaway Five's freedom, and- [notices others staring] ...never mind.

Dragomorph: Half-assed Earthbound reference. One of the sidequests requires you to get a diamond from some miners who are having problems in their cave. Incidentally, I am between the second and the fourth best riffer in this group. ^_^

---

NNIRK: Excuse me, creepy narrator, but you've already told us you were pinned with absolutely no possibility of escape. How exactly would you manage to forfeit your life?
MAX: Simple. Bite his tongue and bleed to death.
SDR: Or use an eyelash and a fingernail.

SD: Okay, I haven't actually /read/ the story in question, but I've seen enough references that I think it's valid. SDR is referring to a Star Trek Mary Sue; I don't remember if it's original or TNG. I do remember that she was Empathic, Alien, Angsty, and committed suicide after playing matchmaker for the Captain via - you guessed it - an eyelash and a fingernail.
SD: I'll Google for the reference again eventually, I think.

---

> She tried to rationalize it again. Somebody dressed up as a vampyre to
> play a joke on her,

DAVID <Mark Kendall>: I do not look like a vampire!

Lainer: from the early Jim Carrey movie Once Bitten. After Carrey gets turned into a vampire he starts wearing all black clothing, a black trench coat, and black sunglasses. While he's going to a halloween party with his girlfirend every keeps stopping him and telling him that he has a great vampire costume, which causes him to respond with the above. It's true too, he looked more like the Terminator.

---

DUB <boy>: My life is dead, my soul is dead, my love is dead, my little cactus I bought in Arizona is dead.

Krinn: This one's mine. Taken from Don Harmon's foreward in Heavy 3P0, a Scud: the Disposable Assassin TPB.

---

DUB: Psh. Put away the Blackfire elemental before Joseph tracks you down, pussy.

---

T.OGRE <Joe C>: Yo, kid! Tell 'em what yer name is!
BRANDT: [bolts to his feet, upsetting EON] My name is BRAAAAAAANNNNN-

Penfold: More Musica. This is the beginning to Kid Rock's "Bawidaba," or something close to it.

--

LAINER: Kick ass! A soul labret!

--

EON <Andrew>: I've got a feeling. A feeling I can't hide... oh, no.

Sherlock: This has to be the fourth or fifth Beatles ref that I've been able to get before anyone else. It's the song "I've Got a Feeling."

--

> I guess that means that he goes to my school.* She noticed that she was shaking
> and stopped.

THIEF <Kyra>: Yeah, that's enough thinking about Samsung in one day.

Penfold: "Samsung means 'to come.'" This was a flash that was linked to on the Ballad a couple months before we started this episode.

Viper: It was a by a Korean woman who apparently felt like Samsung came to her house and screwed her. Literally. I'm sorry I ever posted that link. T_T

--

> "My dad always tells me that I’m just like my grandmother when she was
> twelve Erica," Kyra replied to her best friend.

BRANDT <Kyra>: Yeah, want to see the necklace she left me? That's odd, I wonder why it's pointing down the hallway.

Lainer: The resemblances between Kyra and Escaflowne's Hitmomi are made later on in the fic, but I got the first one. Huzzah. This one's refering to Hitomi's magic necklace that points in the direction of really bad events.
Editing note: I'm an idiot for not noticing this, but I should have dropped the "yeah" from that line. I thought Kyra's friend was talking...

--

> Now that brought whispers from the class. "I wonder if he’ll be able to
> speak Japanese," whispered a boy.

ROBBIE: Yes, but only in his Sailor Soldier form.

Lainer: I took this one from a stupid Sailor Moon fic that I think either Dragomorph or Meagan MSTed. If it wasn't them, then I don't have the slightest idea who did it.
Dragomorph: Doesn't sound like one I did...
--

BRANDT: That's one hell of a gaze attack.

Another editing note, and this one's obvious enough that I'm surprised that no one caught it.

Viper: ...Pokemon?
Krinn: ...D&D reference?
t.ogre: Hell, if Chimera wrote it, it's probably a Constantine or Preacher ref. Speaking of which, Chimmie, Keanu is playing John Constantine. Movie goes into production in January.

--

BRANDT: Because Der Kommisar's in town.
ALL <nodding sagely>: Whoa-oooh.

Chimera: Man, I disguised a LOT of music riffs as normal ones, didn't I?
t.ogre: Duh. Who didn't move this over to the music riffs page? It's "Der Kommisar" by the late Falco.

--
> "I know I’ve sensed it before, but now I forgot where."
>
> "That’s the same with us Kyra," said Kristen.

KAO: These people must be related to Shinnosuke.

Penfold: Shinnosuke is the broom-weilding guardian of Ryugenzawa in Ranma 1/2. His memory holds information almost as well as the average net holds water.

--

LAINER <Kristen>: That's because they don't have women in America, sweetie.
THIEF: Not since O'Neill's Plague, at least.

t.ogre: C'mon! Does *anyone* else realize that Frank Herbert wrote something other than the "Dune" books? It's a reference to "The White Plague." O'Neill sets off a retributive strike after his wife and kids are killed by an IRA bomb via a gender-specific plague. Go find it at your local used bookstore and read it. NOW.
--

LAINER <Kyo>: We must search for "him."
EON <Benitora>: Yes, it could only be "him" behind this.
KAO <Yuya>: But can we really defeat "him?"
BRANDT <Sanada>: We can only hope, for if "he" rises we'll revert to Civil War.
ROBBIE: JUST FUCKING SAY HIS NAME ALREADY!
[Beat.]
LAINER <Kyo>: Yes, "he" is the cause of all this evil.
[ROBBIE seethes.]

Dragomorph: This is mocking the half-assed fansub job in the B-rated anime "Samurai Deeper Kyo," possibly the only anime set in the time of Nobunaga that STILL manages to stuff Tokyo Tower in by the last episode. Basically, for half the show, the characters refer to a "him" without telling us who "he" is, and then even when it's revealed who "he" is, they STILL freaking say "him." Shitty, shitty anime.

--
When he heard the

BRANDT: -music years before, but the man there said the music wouldn't play?

> sound,

BRANDT: I was wrong? Nng! I blame you for this! [points a finger at the entrance] Bang!

Chimera: The first bit's actually a music ref to Don McLean's "The Day the Music Died". The second bit's just Brandt getting frustrated and blaming the door.
[BUZZZZ!]
Sherlock: Don McLean's song is called "American Pie." Bitch.

--

> Her senses suddenly sensed that presence again and she quickly shot her
> head up again.

T.OGRE: Cracking it against the cabinet, stumbling into the cabinet of dolls, before finally collapsing atop the pile of life-saving junk mail.

Lainer: The junk mail might be throwing me off, but isn't this how you save the Babblefish in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy game?
Chimera: Nope. "The Kids in the Hall", this is Kevin MacDonald's tale of how junk mail saved his life (by stopping the bleeding from his head when he cracked it on a cabinet by standing up too fast). Fun guess though.

--

> Kyra quickly ran to her window and opened it.

LAINER <Clarissa>: Oh, hey Sam.
[A guitar twangs in the background.]

Lainer: From Melissa Joan Hart's first TV show, Clarissa Explains It All. Sam would always, and only, enter the scene by climbing in through Clarissa's bedroom window. It should be noted that I like this TV show far more than I really should.
t.ogre: Admit it, it's got nothin' to do with the show. It's all about Melissa Joan Hart, ain't it?

--

But it suddenly glowed

T.OGRE: -causing the Matrix-born mirror to stop working. She'd go to see Sparrow in the morning to have it repaired.

Chimera: This is a reference to David Drake's Northworld trilogy. See, these artificers in the Northworld use this sub-universe called the Matrix to craft things. A glowing magic necklace interfered with the mirror's connection to the Matrix, causing this princess chick to need to see Sparrow to get it fixed.

--

BRANDT: Aaahhh! Its the thing from the end of THE LURKING HORROR! Run for your life before it kills us all!

Krinn: Possible H.P. Lovecraft reference to either the short story "The Lurking Horror" or the movie of the same name.

--

THIEF: At which point her body launched an infant out the window at Mach 12 who grew old and crash-landed in a grave on the other side of the planet.
ROBBIE: I'm not even going to ask.

Lainer: And Robbie shouldn't have to, since he's probably seen it. Thief's refering to a british Xbox commercial.

--

> As she looked out the window at the lake, she noticed a ripple in the
> surface.

JAKE <Sanford>: Now y'all stop tossin' my wine in the lake!

Penfold: I'm assuming that this Sanford has male progeny, as in "Sanford and Son."
Chimera: Yep. See, Sanford was always drinking Ripple wine...

--

GEN: Geez, John Haloren's surfacing *again*. Doesn't anyone know how to hide a body in a lake anymore?

Lainer: Actually, the whole point of this riff was to have Jake make it; this was way before Gen's time. It's a referance to Francis Ford Coppola's first film, Dementia 13.
Penfold: ...I'm not sure I want to know...

--

CHAR <looking at the magazine>: Seems like transparent miniskirts are in, and women's rights are out. What a surprise.

Lainer: At the time I wrote that, miniskirts with transperant butts were apparently all the rage in Japan.

--

> It
> pushed its head down inside the tight denim and ran down, splitting her
> jeans open as it moved down her panties.

ICE: Well, it had to do that; to stop her from suffocating.
ONIKO: Yea. If its moment of indecisiveness had caused her to die, then it could never have lived with itself.

Lainer: Yeah, okay, I'm never going to live this one down. This is a referance to the hentai game Nocturnal Illusion. At one point the main character gets attacked by one of his housemates wearing a suit of evil armor. He stops her, but after geting the armor off he finds that she's unconcous. He then removes all of her clothing except her panties under the pretense that they might be preventing her from breathing, but that still doesn't solve anything. If you then choose not to remove her panties, you get text similar to the above. For the record I heard about the game from Sharkey (http://www.solidsharkey.com/nocturnal.html) and SA (http://somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=466); I've actually never played a Hentai game.
Dragomorph: Suuuure you haven't.
Viper: I have. ^_______^

--

> She cried out and tossed, her eyes closed and face
> flushed, as the three serpent-heads sucked her breasts

GEN: -trying very hard to ignore the fact that Lord Tyler was taking up most of the room.

Chimera: In Heavy Metal 2000, evildoer Tyler sucks on heroine Julie's breasts. It stuck with me because it's the only sex scene in a movie which should've been overflowing with them.

--

> one stretching inside her body from
> that one spot within her,

GEN: -also known as the biological thermonuclear bomb that the alien race hid in her clone body.

Penfold: Is the the "Jean Bomb" (that ain't a typo) from Uncanny X-Men?
Chimera: Nope. It's a reference to 'Imposter', a seemingly unknown film with Gary Sinese about a government gone (understandably) mad with paranoia trying to find bio-nukes that aliens hid in artificial humans.
t.ogre: Holy crap. I thought I was the only person that had ever seen that movie.

--

> and she shrieked as a long serpent thrust up
> between her legs and parted the lips of her vagina.

ONIKO: However, there was already a Remington water-pistol pressed in there by a Dare the lesbian assassin.

--

ONIKO: If you don't kill him with the one correct object in the game within five turns, he'll keep getting angrier and angrier until he'll appear to calm down only to rip you to shreds with his oversized teeth. [nods sagely]

--

JAKE <Jessica Fletcher>: I don't know about the rest of the world, but Cabot Cove has been quiet lately.

Penfold: From "Murder, She Wrote." If you visited Cabot Cove, Maine, it was to kill someone. If not, you were either the victim or framed for the murder.

--

CHAR: ...then came the Night Wraith brigade and then they overwhelmed the moon frogs and then the Yellow Priest knew he was fucked.

Krinn. Another Lovecraft reference, this time to "The Dream Quest of Unknown Kadath". BTW, it's not 'Night Wraith', it's 'nightgaunt'.

--

Drago addition: Because I believe in giving credit where it's due, and because I'm a smug little bunnydragon:

SDR <Vampyre>: I'm a VAMPYRE!
NNIRK <Abby>: No, I'm a mage, and you're a BOX.

Drago: This is about as obscure as I get. While on the surface, it's a basic Vampire ref, it's actually a reference to a very, VERY specific event. A friend of a friend of mine apparently was at a hotel one night where a Vampire: The Masquerade LARP was taking place. While in the bathroom, some foolish person assumed he was part of the game as well and walked up to him, stating, "I'm a VAMPIRE!" My friend's friend, aware of the game in question, replied, "No, I'm a mage, and you're a box." Even went to the GM and informed him of this, so for the rest of the night the poor sod was a box. Har har.

Posted on Nov 5, 2003, 7:06 AM
from IP address 143.166.226.19

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No, but you did explain it during editing, I just wanted to let you get it. Aren't I nice?

by Chimera, the nice guy. So so nice. Nicey nice (no login)

VIPER: I'd like to introduce the President, the President's husband, and her mistress.

Dragomorph: Oy vey, this is hard to explain... I don't know a DANG thing about the movie this is from. I just remember hearing a snippet of it in a commercial for what I THINK is a movie channel, or something in England. It's actually bastardized to fit the situation. Anybody know? I think it's a National Lampoon film, or something.

---

DRAGO <Aladdin>: Good teens take off their clothes!

Lainer: I don't know, on the one hand, some people might not get it. On the other hand, if you *haven't* heard of it, you probably haven't been on the internet long enough.
Sherlock: Really, Lainer. Give them the horrid details. It's basically an Aladdin thing. There was some controversy as to what he was saying in that scene where Aladdin visits the princess outside her room, and the tiger comes at him. In place of the original line, some people thought the above line could be heard with a different voice. Never heard it myself. Check the Urban Legends Reference Page.

---
> Jasmine hung her head low ignoring the bidding war, she did not even
> look to see her new master.

ZANDAR <Papa Lazarou>: Your my wife, now.
M: Mozanrath?

Dragomorph: Don't know much 'bout the former, but Mozanrath was a villain from the TV version of Aladdin, and quite possibly the only example of a Disney villain who can honestly be described as "bish." Incidentally, that's the wrong "your," damnit.

---
> He has been trying to
> find the secret to imortality.

COSMOS <Ally>: Why doesn't he just use cinnabar, mercury and arsenic?
M <Bob>: He says it disagrees with his stomach.

Dragomorph: Bwa ha. You can TELL I wrote this riff during my Asian History class. Cinnabar, mercury and arsenic is the Daoist formula for immortality. Not that it WORKED, of course...

---

M: No, that's a fake dick. *That's* a wrap.
[M points to a mass of fruit salad held together with Glad Wrap, marching around
the tank. It holds a sign reading, "Get the fuck off my house. Bitch."]

Viper: This? Oh, this! This is just one of my mind pukes. Dismiss with a chuckle. ^_^

---
> "Actually we are here for information, we wanna know where we can find
> Francis Newman Stien." Kaitlin said.

ZANDAR <Asuka>: STIEN!

---

ZANDAR <mob>: Learn to read, motherfucker!
M <Ally>: No, I-
ZANDAR <mob>: I said learn to read! [mimes beating M with a bat]
M <Ally>: I can't- OH GOD!

Chimera: From the www.sixsixfive.com website, a new take on the 'fight against illiteracy' programs.

---

DRAGO <Dave>: And if that stream should become a rushing torrent, a raging cataract, why I shall ford that womanly river...

Chimera: From 'The Kids in the Hall'... Dave talks about how he's the Guy Who's Okay About Menstration, and goes on in exhaustive detail about how he can handle even the heaviest flows.

---

> Ally gets three more wishes!

DRAGO <Ally>: How about... a beer mug that never runs out of beer?
M <genie>: Your wish is my command.
[DRAGO mimes picking up and drinking a beer mug]
DRAGO <Ally>: Hmm, this is pretty good. How about two more of these?

Lainer: I'm not sure if this counts as obscure, but I'm going to tell you about it anyways. FOX's children's programing segment used to have a quartly magazine that was sent to subscibers, and they'd have some sort of original comic based on whatever shows were on at that time. Well, in one issue they had a comic for Mad Jack the Pirate where Jack and his first mate Snuk were trapped in the middle of a desert. Snuk found a genie's bottle, and the above situation took place. Needless to say, Jack looked about ready to turn Snuk into two half Snuks after the end of the comic.

---

> Far from camp, in the cold desert night the ghost of the bare wench
> dropped cheryl on the cold rocky ground.

M <ghost>: Crap! Ran out of Pathos. Now where did I leave that Fetter...?

Chimera: What, nobody's played White Wolf's 'Wraith'? In it, you play ghosts, who have Pathos instead of Bloodpool or Rage, they get it from 'Fetters'... objects, places, or people who tie the ghost to the mortal world.

---

DRAGO <professor Schwarr, the root beer drinking man>: Now, Mr. Johnson, if we could discuss those punch cards...

---

> in the phoenix sub-urbs...

SDR: Tenchi was hitting on Athena, Sephiroth was working off his community service, and Aki was angsting... *again*.

Lainer: yeah, okay, I'm sorry. I know the thing about injokes, but it just seemed to fit. There's this MUX that I used to frequent called phoenix where all the characters are from either anime or video games. Needless to say, interesting situations arose.

---

> meanwhile back in the living room...

NNIRK <southern accent>: Operator? Get me room 321, please.

---

DAVID: Maybe I should've just shouted 'HAMMER TIME!'
DUB: ...no. No, you shouldn't. Ever.

Penfold: A reference to MC Hammer that should probably go in the Riffola Musica section. I'll have to agree with dub's response, by the way.
Chimera: Sadly I feel COMPELLED to shout 'HAMMERTIME!' whenever somebody shouts STOP. It's a sickness, I know!

---

> "OH YES OH YEAH."

DUB: That was the best track off the '1977' album! I can see screaming it out during orgasm.

---

DAVID: But without any miners, you can't get the diamond, and then you can't buy the Runaway Five's freedom, and- [notices others staring] ...never mind.

Dragomorph: Half-assed Earthbound reference. One of the sidequests requires you to get a diamond from some miners who are having problems in their cave. Incidentally, I am between the second and the fourth best riffer in this group. ^_^

---

NNIRK: Excuse me, creepy narrator, but you've already told us you were pinned with absolutely no possibility of escape. How exactly would you manage to forfeit your life?
MAX: Simple. Bite his tongue and bleed to death.
SDR: Or use an eyelash and a fingernail.

SD: Okay, I haven't actually /read/ the story in question, but I've seen enough references that I think it's valid. SDR is referring to a Star Trek Mary Sue; I don't remember if it's original or TNG. I do remember that she was Empathic, Alien, Angsty, and committed suicide after playing matchmaker for the Captain via - you guessed it - an eyelash and a fingernail.
SD: I'll Google for the reference again eventually, I think.
Chimera: Would it be wrong of me to say that I love watching a woman Google for the reference? Mmm, yeah...

---

> She tried to rationalize it again. Somebody dressed up as a vampyre to
> play a joke on her,

DAVID <Mark Kendall>: I do not look like a vampire!

Lainer: from the early Jim Carrey movie Once Bitten. After Carrey gets turned into a vampire he starts wearing all black clothing, a black trench coat, and black sunglasses. While he's going to a halloween party with his girlfirend every keeps stopping him and telling him that he has a great vampire costume, which causes him to respond with the above. It's true too, he looked more like the Terminator.

---

DUB <boy>: My life is dead, my soul is dead, my love is dead, my little cactus I bought in Arizona is dead.

Krinn: This one's mine. Taken from Don Harmon's foreward in Heavy 3P0, a Scud: the Disposable Assassin TPB.

---

DUB: Psh. Put away the Blackfire elemental before Joseph tracks you down, pussy.

Chimera: I'm again surprised nobody got this. Joseph's the hero of the crappy PS2/PC game 'Summoner', he can summon this black burning elemental guy which the fic reminded me of.

---

T.OGRE <Joe C>: Yo, kid! Tell 'em what yer name is!
BRANDT: [bolts to his feet, upsetting EON] My name is BRAAAAAAANNNNN-

Penfold: More Musica. This is the beginning to Kid Rock's "Bawidaba," or something close to it.

--

> "You telling me. I always have a chill every time he looks at me with
> those eyes. It feels like if those eyes pierced my soul."

LAINER: Kick ass! A soul labret!

Chimera: A labret is a lip piercing. I s'pose I could've also gone with a medusa piercing, but I like the word labret.

--

EON <Andrew>: I've got a feeling. A feeling I can't hide... oh, no.

Sherlock: This has to be the fourth or fifth Beatles ref that I've been able to get before anyone else. It's the song "I've Got a Feeling."

--

> I guess that means that he goes to my school.* She noticed that she was shaking
> and stopped.

THIEF <Kyra>: Yeah, that's enough thinking about Samsung in one day.

Penfold: "Samsung means 'to come.'" This was a flash that was linked to on the Ballad a couple months before we started this episode.
Viper: It was a by a Korean woman who apparently felt like Samsung came to her house and screwed her. Literally. I'm sorry I ever posted that link. T_T
Chimera: Actually, I never saw your link... so don't feel TOO responsible. Also, you better cut back on those faces before we call you Emoticoboy.

--

> "My dad always tells me that I’m just like my grandmother when she was
> twelve Erica," Kyra replied to her best friend.

BRANDT <Kyra>: Yeah, want to see the necklace she left me? That's odd, I wonder why it's pointing down the hallway.

Lainer: The resemblances between Kyra and Escaflowne's Hitmomi are made later on in the fic, but I got the first one. Huzzah. This one's refering to Hitomi's magic necklace that points in the direction of really bad events.
Editing note: I'm an idiot for not noticing this, but I should have dropped the "yeah" from that line. I thought Kyra's friend was talking...

--

> Now that brought whispers from the class. "I wonder if he’ll be able to
> speak Japanese," whispered a boy.

ROBBIE: Yes, but only in his Sailor Soldier form.

Lainer: I took this one from a stupid Sailor Moon fic that I think either Dragomorph or Meagan MSTed. If it wasn't them, then I don't have the slightest idea who did it.
Dragomorph: Doesn't sound like one I did...

--

BRANDT: That's one hell of a gaze attack.

Another editing note, and this one's obvious enough that I'm surprised that no one caught it.

Viper: ...Pokemon?
Krinn: ...D&D reference?
t.ogre: Hell, if Chimera wrote it, it's probably a Constantine or Preacher ref. Speaking of which, Chimmie, Keanu is playing John Constantine. Movie goes into production in January.
Chimera: Now now, I've restrained myself to a maximum of two of each per episode, and I didn't do ANY in this time- Wait, did you say fucking Keanu? [slits his wrists]

--

BRANDT: Because Der Kommisar's in town.
ALL <nodding sagely>: Whoa-oooh.

Chimera: Man, I disguised a LOT of music riffs as normal ones, didn't I?
t.ogre: Duh. Who didn't move this over to the music riffs page? It's "Der Kommisar" by the late Falco.
Chimera: To our fans (Hello to both of you), the guy who makes the Musica page just hits 'Find' and type in 'singing'. This has been a Behind the Scenes look at Quasispace. Don't forget to describe it to your psychiatrist.

--
> "I know I’ve sensed it before, but now I forgot where."
>
> "That’s the same with us Kyra," said Kristen.

KAO: These people must be related to Shinnosuke.

Penfold: Shinnosuke is the broom-weilding guardian of Ryugenzawa in Ranma 1/2. His memory holds information almost as well as the average net holds water.

--

LAINER <Kristen>: That's because they don't have women in America, sweetie.
THIEF: Not since O'Neill's Plague, at least.

t.ogre: C'mon! Does *anyone* else realize that Frank Herbert wrote something other than the "Dune" books? It's a reference to "The White Plague." O'Neill sets off a retributive strike after his wife and kids are killed by an IRA bomb via a gender-specific plague. Go find it at your local used bookstore and read it. NOW.

--

LAINER <Kyo>: We must search for "him."
EON <Benitora>: Yes, it could only be "him" behind this.
KAO <Yuya>: But can we really defeat "him?"
BRANDT <Sanada>: We can only hope, for if "he" rises we'll revert to Civil War.
ROBBIE: JUST FUCKING SAY HIS NAME ALREADY!
[Beat.]
LAINER <Kyo>: Yes, "he" is the cause of all this evil.
[ROBBIE seethes.]

Dragomorph: This is mocking the half-assed fansub job in the B-rated anime "Samurai Deeper Kyo," possibly the only anime set in the time of Nobunaga that STILL manages to stuff Tokyo Tower in by the last episode. Basically, for half the show, the characters refer to a "him" without telling us who "he" is, and then even when it's revealed who "he" is, they STILL freaking say "him." Shitty, shitty anime.

--
When he heard the

BRANDT: -music years before, but the man there said the music wouldn't play?

> sound,

BRANDT: I was wrong? Nng! I blame you for this! [points a finger at the entrance] Bang!

Chimera: The first bit's actually a music ref to Don McLean's "The Day the Music Died". The second bit's just Brandt getting frustrated and blaming the door to set up another, er, 'joke' I guess we could call it.
[BUZZZZ!]
Sherlock: Don McLean's song is called "American Pie." Bitch.
Chimera: Haha! I'm just too lazy to look it up. Thanks for doing my work, sucka.

--

> Her senses suddenly sensed that presence again and she quickly shot her
> head up again.

T.OGRE: Cracking it against the cabinet, stumbling into the cabinet of dolls, before finally collapsing atop the pile of life-saving junk mail.

Lainer: The junk mail might be throwing me off, but isn't this how you save the Babblefish in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy game?
Chimera: Nope. "The Kids in the Hall", this is Kevin MacDonald's tale of how junk mail saved his life (by stopping the bleeding from his head when he cracked it on a cabinet by standing up too fast). Fun guess though.

--

> Kyra quickly ran to her window and opened it.

LAINER <Clarissa>: Oh, hey Sam.
[A guitar twangs in the background.]

Lainer: From Melissa Joan Hart's first TV show, Clarissa Explains It All. Sam would always, and only, enter the scene by climbing in through Clarissa's bedroom window. It should be noted that I like this TV show far more than I really should.
t.ogre: Admit it, it's got nothin' to do with the show. It's all about Melissa Joan Hart, ain't it?

--

But it suddenly glowed

T.OGRE: -causing the Matrix-born mirror to stop working. She'd go to see Sparrow in the morning to have it repaired.

Chimera: This is a reference to David Drake's Northworld trilogy. See, these artificers in the Northworld use this sub-universe called the Matrix to craft things. A glowing magic necklace interfered with the mirror's connection to the Matrix, causing this princess chick to need to see Sparrow to get it fixed.

--

BRANDT: Aaahhh! Its the thing from the end of THE LURKING HORROR! Run for your life before it kills us all!

Krinn: Possible H.P. Lovecraft reference to either the short story "The Lurking Horror" or the movie of the same name.

--

THIEF: At which point her body launched an infant out the window at Mach 12 who grew old and crash-landed in a grave on the other side of the planet.
ROBBIE: I'm not even going to ask.

Lainer: And Robbie shouldn't have to, since he's probably seen it. Thief's refering to a british Xbox commercial.

--

> As she looked out the window at the lake, she noticed a ripple in the
> surface.

JAKE <Sanford>: Now y'all stop tossin' my wine in the lake!

Penfold: I'm assuming that this Sanford has male progeny, as in "Sanford and Son."
Chimera: Yep. See, Sanford was always drinking Ripple wine...

--

GEN: Geez, John Haloren's surfacing *again*. Doesn't anyone know how to hide a body in a lake anymore?

Lainer: Actually, the whole point of this riff was to have Jake make it; this was way before Gen's time. It's a referance to Francis Ford Coppola's first film, Dementia 13.
Penfold: ...I'm not sure I want to know...

--

CHAR <looking at the magazine>: Seems like transparent miniskirts are in, and women's rights are out. What a surprise.

Lainer: At the time I wrote that, miniskirts with transperant butts were apparently all the rage in Japan.

--

> It
> pushed its head down inside the tight denim and ran down, splitting her
> jeans open as it moved down her panties.

ICE: Well, it had to do that; to stop her from suffocating.
ONIKO: Yea. If its moment of indecisiveness had caused her to die, then it could never have lived with itself.

Lainer: Yeah, okay, I'm never going to live this one down. This is a referance to the hentai game Nocturnal Illusion. At one point the main character gets attacked by one of his housemates wearing a suit of evil armor. He stops her, but after geting the armor off he finds that she's unconcous. He then removes all of her clothing except her panties under the pretense that they might be preventing her from breathing, but that still doesn't solve anything. If you then choose not to remove her panties, you get text similar to the above. For the record I heard about the game from Sharkey (http://www.solidsharkey.com/nocturnal.html) and SA (http://somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=466); I've actually never played a Hentai game.
Dragomorph: Suuuure you haven't.
Viper: I have. ^_______^

--

> She cried out and tossed, her eyes closed and face
> flushed, as the three serpent-heads sucked her breasts

GEN: -trying very hard to ignore the fact that Lord Tyler was taking up most of the room.

Chimera: In Heavy Metal 2000, evildoer Tyler sucks on heroine Julie's breasts. It stuck with me because it's the only sex scene in a movie which should've been overflowing with them.

--

> one stretching inside her body from
> that one spot within her,

GEN: -also known as the biological thermonuclear bomb that the alien race hid in her clone body.

Penfold: Is the the "Jean Bomb" (that ain't a typo) from Uncanny X-Men?
Chimera: Nope. It's a reference to 'Imposter', a seemingly unknown film with Gary Sinese about a government gone (understandably) mad with paranoia trying to find bio-nukes that aliens hid in artificial humans.
t.ogre: Holy crap. I thought I was the only person that had ever seen that movie.
Chimera: It's like we're twins seperated at birth. Except for the differences in age and racial background and all.

--

> and she shrieked as a long serpent thrust up
> between her legs and parted the lips of her vagina.

ONIKO: However, there was already a Remington water-pistol pressed in there by a Dare the lesbian assassin.

Chimera: Dare's from a couple Eric Van Lustbader books, there was one scene where she had sex with another woman using the previously mentioned toy. By the way, she's an assassin who's also a lesbian, not an assassin OF lesbians.

--

ONIKO: If you don't kill him with the one correct object in the game within five turns, he'll keep getting angrier and angrier until he'll appear to calm down only to rip you to shreds with his oversized teeth. [nods sagely]

--

JAKE <Jessica Fletcher>: I don't know about the rest of the world, but Cabot Cove has been quiet lately.

Penfold: From "Murder, She Wrote." If you visited Cabot Cove, Maine, it was to kill someone. If not, you were either the victim or framed for the murder.

--

CHAR: ...then came the Night Wraith brigade and then they overwhelmed the moon frogs and then the Yellow Priest knew he was fucked.

Krinn. Another Lovecraft reference, this time to "The Dream Quest of Unknown Kadath". BTW, it's not 'Night Wraith', it's 'nightgaunt'.

--

Drago addition: Because I believe in giving credit where it's due, and because I'm a smug little bunnydragon:

SDR <Vampyre>: I'm a VAMPYRE!
NNIRK <Abby>: No, I'm a mage, and you're a BOX.

Drago: This is about as obscure as I get. While on the surface, it's a basic Vampire ref, it's actually a reference to a very, VERY specific event. A friend of a friend of mine apparently was at a hotel one night where a Vampire: The Masquerade LARP was taking place. While in the bathroom, some foolish person assumed he was part of the game as well and walked up to him, stating, "I'm a VAMPIRE!" My friend's friend, aware of the game in question, replied, "No, I'm a mage, and you're a box." Even went to the GM and informed him of this, so for the rest of the night the poor sod was a box. Har har.

Posted on Nov 5, 2003, 2:37 PM
from IP address 172.136.181.95

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...this has... a disturbing lack of metal. Rock harder next time.

by O. Hakubi (no login)

VIPER: I'd like to introduce the President, the President's husband, and her mistress.

Dragomorph: Oy vey, this is hard to explain... I don't know a DANG thing about the movie this is from. I just remember hearing a snippet of it in a commercial for what I THINK is a movie channel, or something in England. It's actually bastardized to fit the situation. Anybody know? I think it's a National Lampoon film, or something.

---

DRAGO <Aladdin>: Good teens take off their clothes!

Lainer: I don't know, on the one hand, some people might not get it. On the other hand, if you *haven't* heard of it, you probably haven't been on the internet long enough.
Sherlock: Really, Lainer. Give them the horrid details. It's basically an Aladdin thing. There was some controversy as to what he was saying in that scene where Aladdin visits the princess outside her room, and the tiger comes at him. In place of the original line, some people thought the above line could be heard with a different voice. Never heard it myself. Check the Urban Legends Reference Page.

---
> Jasmine hung her head low ignoring the bidding war, she did not even
> look to see her new master.

ZANDAR <Papa Lazarou>: Your my wife, now.
M: Mozanrath?

Dragomorph: Don't know much 'bout the former, but Mozanrath was a villain from the TV version of Aladdin, and quite possibly the only example of a Disney villain who can honestly be described as "bish." Incidentally, that's the wrong "your," damnit.

---
> He has been trying to
> find the secret to imortality.

COSMOS <Ally>: Why doesn't he just use cinnabar, mercury and arsenic?
M <Bob>: He says it disagrees with his stomach.

Dragomorph: Bwa ha. You can TELL I wrote this riff during my Asian History class. Cinnabar, mercury and arsenic is the Daoist formula for immortality. Not that it WORKED, of course...

---

M: No, that's a fake dick. *That's* a wrap.
[M points to a mass of fruit salad held together with Glad Wrap, marching around
the tank. It holds a sign reading, "Get the fuck off my house. Bitch."]

Viper: This? Oh, this! This is just one of my mind pukes. Dismiss with a chuckle. ^_^

---
> "Actually we are here for information, we wanna know where we can find
> Francis Newman Stien." Kaitlin said.

ZANDAR <Asuka>: STIEN!

---

ZANDAR <mob>: Learn to read, motherfucker!
M <Ally>: No, I-
ZANDAR <mob>: I said learn to read! [mimes beating M with a bat]
M <Ally>: I can't- OH GOD!

Chimera: From the www.sixsixfive.com website, a new take on the 'fight against illiteracy' programs.

---

DRAGO <Dave>: And if that stream should become a rushing torrent, a raging cataract, why I shall ford that womanly river...

Chimera: From 'The Kids in the Hall'... Dave talks about how he's the Guy Who's Okay About Menstration, and goes on in exhaustive detail about how he can handle even the heaviest flows.

---

> Ally gets three more wishes!

DRAGO <Ally>: How about... a beer mug that never runs out of beer?
M <genie>: Your wish is my command.
[DRAGO mimes picking up and drinking a beer mug]
DRAGO <Ally>: Hmm, this is pretty good. How about two more of these?

Lainer: I'm not sure if this counts as obscure, but I'm going to tell you about it anyways. FOX's children's programing segment used to have a quartly magazine that was sent to subscibers, and they'd have some sort of original comic based on whatever shows were on at that time. Well, in one issue they had a comic for Mad Jack the Pirate where Jack and his first mate Snuk were trapped in the middle of a desert. Snuk found a genie's bottle, and the above situation took place. Needless to say, Jack looked about ready to turn Snuk into two half Snuks after the end of the comic.

---

> Far from camp, in the cold desert night the ghost of the bare wench
> dropped cheryl on the cold rocky ground.

M <ghost>: Crap! Ran out of Pathos. Now where did I leave that Fetter...?

Chimera: What, nobody's played White Wolf's 'Wraith'? In it, you play ghosts, who have Pathos instead of Bloodpool or Rage, they get it from 'Fetters'... objects, places, or people who tie the ghost to the mortal world.

---

DRAGO <professor Schwarr, the root beer drinking man>: Now, Mr. Johnson, if we could discuss those punch cards...

---

> in the phoenix sub-urbs...

SDR: Tenchi was hitting on Athena, Sephiroth was working off his community service, and Aki was angsting... *again*.

Lainer: yeah, okay, I'm sorry. I know the thing about injokes, but it just seemed to fit. There's this MUX that I used to frequent called phoenix where all the characters are from either anime or video games. Needless to say, interesting situations arose.

---

> meanwhile back in the living room...

NNIRK <southern accent>: Operator? Get me room 321, please.

Oniko: Ray Stevens reference. The song "Shriner's Convention" features Bubba trying to contact Coy in said room, and he says that to the operator.

---

DAVID: Maybe I should've just shouted 'HAMMER TIME!'
DUB: ...no. No, you shouldn't. Ever.

Penfold: A reference to MC Hammer that should probably go in the Riffola Musica section. I'll have to agree with dub's response, by the way.
Chimera: Sadly I feel COMPELLED to shout 'HAMMERTIME!' whenever somebody shouts STOP. It's a sickness, I know!

---

> "OH YES OH YEAH."

DUB: That was the best track off the '1977' album! I can see screaming it out during orgasm.

Oniko: A reference to "Oh Yeah," a song on Ash's "1977" album, which was released in... 1996.

---

DAVID: But without any miners, you can't get the diamond, and then you can't buy the Runaway Five's freedom, and- [notices others staring] ...never mind.

Dragomorph: Half-assed Earthbound reference. One of the sidequests requires you to get a diamond from some miners who are having problems in their cave. Incidentally, I am between the second and the fourth best riffer in this group. ^_^

---

NNIRK: Excuse me, creepy narrator, but you've already told us you were pinned with absolutely no possibility of escape. How exactly would you manage to forfeit your life?
MAX: Simple. Bite his tongue and bleed to death.
SDR: Or use an eyelash and a fingernail.

SD: Okay, I haven't actually /read/ the story in question, but I've seen enough references that I think it's valid. SDR is referring to a Star Trek Mary Sue; I don't remember if it's original or TNG. I do remember that she was Empathic, Alien, Angsty, and committed suicide after playing matchmaker for the Captain via - you guessed it - an eyelash and a fingernail.
SD: I'll Google for the reference again eventually, I think.
Chimera: Would it be wrong of me to say that I love watching a woman Google for the reference? Mmm, yeah...
Oniko: Wow. I've heard of Internet fetishes, but this is the first *Internet* fetish I've ever seen.

---

> She tried to rationalize it again. Somebody dressed up as a vampyre to
> play a joke on her,

DAVID <Mark Kendall>: I do not look like a vampire!

Lainer: from the early Jim Carrey movie Once Bitten. After Carrey gets turned into a vampire he starts wearing all black clothing, a black trench coat, and black sunglasses. While he's going to a halloween party with his girlfirend every keeps stopping him and telling him that he has a great vampire costume, which causes him to respond with the above. It's true too, he looked more like the Terminator.

---

DUB <boy>: My life is dead, my soul is dead, my love is dead, my little cactus I bought in Arizona is dead.

Krinn: This one's mine. Taken from Don Harmon's foreward in Heavy 3P0, a Scud: the Disposable Assassin TPB.

---

DUB: Psh. Put away the Blackfire elemental before Joseph tracks you down, pussy.

Chimera: I'm again surprised nobody got this. Joseph's the hero of the crappy PS2/PC game 'Summoner', he can summon this black burning elemental guy which the fic reminded me of.

---

T.OGRE <Joe C>: Yo, kid! Tell 'em what yer name is!
BRANDT: [bolts to his feet, upsetting EON] My name is BRAAAAAAANNNNN-

Penfold: More Musica. This is the beginning to Kid Rock's "Bawidaba," or something close to it.

--

> "You telling me. I always have a chill every time he looks at me with
> those eyes. It feels like if those eyes pierced my soul."

LAINER: Kick ass! A soul labret!

Chimera: A labret is a lip piercing. I s'pose I could've also gone with a medusa piercing, but I like the word labret.

--

EON <Andrew>: I've got a feeling. A feeling I can't hide... oh, no.

Sherlock: This has to be the fourth or fifth Beatles ref that I've been able to get before anyone else. It's the song "I've Got a Feeling."

--

> I guess that means that he goes to my school.* She noticed that she was shaking
> and stopped.

THIEF <Kyra>: Yeah, that's enough thinking about Samsung in one day.

Penfold: "Samsung means 'to come.'" This was a flash that was linked to on the Ballad a couple months before we started this episode.
Viper: It was a by a Korean woman who apparently felt like Samsung came to her house and screwed her. Literally. I'm sorry I ever posted that link. T_T
Chimera: Actually, I never saw your link... so don't feel TOO responsible. Also, you better cut back on those faces before we call you Emoticoboy.

--

> "My dad always tells me that I’m just like my grandmother when she was
> twelve Erica," Kyra replied to her best friend.

BRANDT <Kyra>: Yeah, want to see the necklace she left me? That's odd, I wonder why it's pointing down the hallway.

Lainer: The resemblances between Kyra and Escaflowne's Hitmomi are made later on in the fic, but I got the first one. Huzzah. This one's refering to Hitomi's magic necklace that points in the direction of really bad events.
Editing note: I'm an idiot for not noticing this, but I should have dropped the "yeah" from that line. I thought Kyra's friend was talking...

--

> Now that brought whispers from the class. "I wonder if he’ll be able to
> speak Japanese," whispered a boy.

ROBBIE: Yes, but only in his Sailor Soldier form.

Lainer: I took this one from a stupid Sailor Moon fic that I think either Dragomorph or Meagan MSTed. If it wasn't them, then I don't have the slightest idea who did it.
Dragomorph: Doesn't sound like one I did...

--

BRANDT: That's one hell of a gaze attack.

Another editing note, and this one's obvious enough that I'm surprised that no one caught it.

Viper: ...Pokemon?
Krinn: ...D&D reference?
t.ogre: Hell, if Chimera wrote it, it's probably a Constantine or Preacher ref. Speaking of which, Chimmie, Keanu is playing John Constantine. Movie goes into production in January.
Chimera: Now now, I've restrained myself to a maximum of two of each per episode, and I didn't do ANY in this time- Wait, did you say fucking Keanu? [slits his wrists]

--

BRANDT: Because Der Kommisar's in town.
ALL <nodding sagely>: Whoa-oooh.

Chimera: Man, I disguised a LOT of music riffs as normal ones, didn't I?
t.ogre: Duh. Who didn't move this over to the music riffs page? It's "Der Kommisar" by the late Falco.
Chimera: To our fans (Hello to both of you), the guy who makes the Musica page just hits 'Find' and type in 'singing'. This has been a Behind the Scenes look at Quasispace. Don't forget to describe it to your psychiatrist.

--
> "I know I’ve sensed it before, but now I forgot where."
>
> "That’s the same with us Kyra," said Kristen.

KAO: These people must be related to Shinnosuke.

Penfold: Shinnosuke is the broom-weilding guardian of Ryugenzawa in Ranma 1/2. His memory holds information almost as well as the average net holds water.

--

LAINER <Kristen>: That's because they don't have women in America, sweetie.
THIEF: Not since O'Neill's Plague, at least.

t.ogre: C'mon! Does *anyone* else realize that Frank Herbert wrote something other than the "Dune" books? It's a reference to "The White Plague." O'Neill sets off a retributive strike after his wife and kids are killed by an IRA bomb via a gender-specific plague. Go find it at your local used bookstore and read it. NOW.

--

LAINER <Kyo>: We must search for "him."
EON <Benitora>: Yes, it could only be "him" behind this.
KAO <Yuya>: But can we really defeat "him?"
BRANDT <Sanada>: We can only hope, for if "he" rises we'll revert to Civil War.
ROBBIE: JUST FUCKING SAY HIS NAME ALREADY!
[Beat.]
LAINER <Kyo>: Yes, "he" is the cause of all this evil.
[ROBBIE seethes.]

Dragomorph: This is mocking the half-assed fansub job in the B-rated anime "Samurai Deeper Kyo," possibly the only anime set in the time of Nobunaga that STILL manages to stuff Tokyo Tower in by the last episode. Basically, for half the show, the characters refer to a "him" without telling us who "he" is, and then even when it's revealed who "he" is, they STILL freaking say "him." Shitty, shitty anime.

--
When he heard the

BRANDT: -music years before, but the man there said the music wouldn't play?

> sound,

BRANDT: I was wrong? Nng! I blame you for this! [points a finger at the entrance] Bang!

Chimera: The first bit's actually a music ref to Don McLean's "The Day the Music Died". The second bit's just Brandt getting frustrated and blaming the door to set up another, er, 'joke' I guess we could call it.
[BUZZZZ!]
Sherlock: Don McLean's song is called "American Pie." Bitch.
Chimera: Haha! I'm just too lazy to look it up. Thanks for doing my work, sucka.

--

> Her senses suddenly sensed that presence again and she quickly shot her
> head up again.

T.OGRE: Cracking it against the cabinet, stumbling into the cabinet of dolls, before finally collapsing atop the pile of life-saving junk mail.

Lainer: The junk mail might be throwing me off, but isn't this how you save the Babblefish in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy game?
Chimera: Nope. "The Kids in the Hall", this is Kevin MacDonald's tale of how junk mail saved his life (by stopping the bleeding from his head when he cracked it on a cabinet by standing up too fast). Fun guess though.

--

> Kyra quickly ran to her window and opened it.

LAINER <Clarissa>: Oh, hey Sam.
[A guitar twangs in the background.]

Lainer: From Melissa Joan Hart's first TV show, Clarissa Explains It All. Sam would always, and only, enter the scene by climbing in through Clarissa's bedroom window. It should be noted that I like this TV show far more than I really should.
t.ogre: Admit it, it's got nothin' to do with the show. It's all about Melissa Joan Hart, ain't it?

--

But it suddenly glowed

T.OGRE: -causing the Matrix-born mirror to stop working. She'd go to see Sparrow in the morning to have it repaired.

Chimera: This is a reference to David Drake's Northworld trilogy. See, these artificers in the Northworld use this sub-universe called the Matrix to craft things. A glowing magic necklace interfered with the mirror's connection to the Matrix, causing this princess chick to need to see Sparrow to get it fixed.

--

BRANDT: Aaahhh! Its the thing from the end of THE LURKING HORROR! Run for your life before it kills us all!

Krinn: Possible H.P. Lovecraft reference to either the short story "The Lurking Horror" or the movie of the same name.

--

THIEF: At which point her body launched an infant out the window at Mach 12 who grew old and crash-landed in a grave on the other side of the planet.
ROBBIE: I'm not even going to ask.

Lainer: And Robbie shouldn't have to, since he's probably seen it. Thief's refering to a british Xbox commercial.

--

> As she looked out the window at the lake, she noticed a ripple in the
> surface.

JAKE <Sanford>: Now y'all stop tossin' my wine in the lake!

Penfold: I'm assuming that this Sanford has male progeny, as in "Sanford and Son."
Chimera: Yep. See, Sanford was always drinking Ripple wine...

--

GEN: Geez, John Haloren's surfacing *again*. Doesn't anyone know how to hide a body in a lake anymore?

Lainer: Actually, the whole point of this riff was to have Jake make it; this was way before Gen's time. It's a referance to Francis Ford Coppola's first film, Dementia 13.
Penfold: ...I'm not sure I want to know...

--

CHAR <looking at the magazine>: Seems like transparent miniskirts are in, and women's rights are out. What a surprise.

Lainer: At the time I wrote that, miniskirts with transperant butts were apparently all the rage in Japan.

--

> It
> pushed its head down inside the tight denim and ran down, splitting her
> jeans open as it moved down her panties.

ICE: Well, it had to do that; to stop her from suffocating.
ONIKO: Yea. If its moment of indecisiveness had caused her to die, then it could never have lived with itself.

Lainer: Yeah, okay, I'm never going to live this one down. This is a referance to the hentai game Nocturnal Illusion. At one point the main character gets attacked by one of his housemates wearing a suit of evil armor. He stops her, but after geting the armor off he finds that she's unconcous. He then removes all of her clothing except her panties under the pretense that they might be preventing her from breathing, but that still doesn't solve anything. If you then choose not to remove her panties, you get text similar to the above. For the record I heard about the game from Sharkey (http://www.solidsharkey.com/nocturnal.html) and SA (http://somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=466); I've actually never played a Hentai game.
Dragomorph: Suuuure you haven't.
Viper: I have. ^_______^

--

> She cried out and tossed, her eyes closed and face
> flushed, as the three serpent-heads sucked her breasts

GEN: -trying very hard to ignore the fact that Lord Tyler was taking up most of the room.

Chimera: In Heavy Metal 2000, evildoer Tyler sucks on heroine Julie's breasts. It stuck with me because it's the only sex scene in a movie which should've been overflowing with them.

--

> one stretching inside her body from
> that one spot within her,

GEN: -also known as the biological thermonuclear bomb that the alien race hid in her clone body.

Penfold: Is the the "Jean Bomb" (that ain't a typo) from Uncanny X-Men?
Chimera: Nope. It's a reference to 'Imposter', a seemingly unknown film with Gary Sinese about a government gone (understandably) mad with paranoia trying to find bio-nukes that aliens hid in artificial humans.
t.ogre: Holy crap. I thought I was the only person that had ever seen that movie.
Chimera: It's like we're twins seperated at birth. Except for the differences in age and racial background and all.

--

> and she shrieked as a long serpent thrust up
> between her legs and parted the lips of her vagina.

ONIKO: However, there was already a Remington water-pistol pressed in there by a Dare the lesbian assassin.

Chimera: Dare's from a couple Eric Van Lustbader books, there was one scene where she had sex with another woman using the previously mentioned toy. By the way, she's an assassin who's also a lesbian, not an assassin OF lesbians.

--

ONIKO: If you don't kill him with the one correct object in the game within five turns, he'll keep getting angrier and angrier until he'll appear to calm down only to rip you to shreds with his oversized teeth. [nods sagely]

--

JAKE <Jessica Fletcher>: I don't know about the rest of the world, but Cabot Cove has been quiet lately.

Penfold: From "Murder, She Wrote." If you visited Cabot Cove, Maine, it was to kill someone. If not, you were either the victim or framed for the murder.

--

CHAR: ...then came the Night Wraith brigade and then they overwhelmed the moon frogs and then the Yellow Priest knew he was fucked.

Krinn. Another Lovecraft reference, this time to "The Dream Quest of Unknown Kadath". BTW, it's not 'Night Wraith', it's 'nightgaunt'.

--

Drago addition: Because I believe in giving credit where it's due, and because I'm a smug little bunnydragon:

SDR <Vampyre>: I'm a VAMPYRE!
NNIRK <Abby>: No, I'm a mage, and you're a BOX.

Drago: This is about as obscure as I get. While on the surface, it's a basic Vampire ref, it's actually a reference to a very, VERY specific event. A friend of a friend of mine apparently was at a hotel one night where a Vampire: The Masquerade LARP was taking place. While in the bathroom, some foolish person assumed he was part of the game as well and walked up to him, stating, "I'm a VAMPIRE!" My friend's friend, aware of the game in question, replied, "No, I'm a mage, and you're a box." Even went to the GM and informed him of this, so for the rest of the night the poor sod was a box. Har har.

Posted on Nov 5, 2003, 10:07 PM
from IP address 24.195.121.126

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Obscurity tracks. Two, three days old.

by (no login)

VIPER: I'd like to introduce the President, the President's husband, and her mistress.

Dragomorph: Oy vey, this is hard to explain... I don't know a DANG thing about the movie this is from. I just remember hearing a snippet of it in a commercial
for what I THINK is a movie channel, or something in England. It's actually bastardized to fit the situation. Anybody know? I think it's a National Lampoon
film, or something.

---

DRAGO <Aladdin>: Good teens take off their clothes!

Lainer: I don't know, on the one hand, some people might not get it. On the other hand, if you *haven't* heard of it, you probably haven't been on the internet
long enough.
Sherlock: Really, Lainer. Give them the horrid details. It's basically an Aladdin thing. There was some controversy as to what he was saying in that scene
where Aladdin visits the princess outside her room, and the tiger comes at him. In place of the original line, some people thought the above line could
be heard with a different voice. Never heard it myself. Check the Urban Legends Reference Page.

---
> Jasmine hung her head low ignoring the bidding war, she did not even
> look to see her new master.

ZANDAR <Papa Lazarou>: Your my wife, now.
M: Mozanrath?

Dragomorph: Don't know much 'bout the former, but Mozanrath was a villain from the TV version of Aladdin, and quite possibly the only example of a Disney
villain who can honestly be described as "bish." Incidentally, that's the wrong "your," damnit.

---
> He has been trying to
> find the secret to imortality.

COSMOS <Ally>: Why doesn't he just use cinnabar, mercury and arsenic?
M <Bob>: He says it disagrees with his stomach.

Dragomorph: Bwa ha. You can TELL I wrote this riff during my Asian History class. Cinnabar, mercury and arsenic is the Daoist formula for immortality. Not
that it WORKED, of course...

---

M: No, that's a fake dick. *That's* a wrap.
[M points to a mass of fruit salad held together with Glad Wrap, marching around
the tank. It holds a sign reading, "Get the fuck off my house. Bitch."]

Viper: This? Oh, this! This is just one of my mind pukes. Dismiss with a chuckle. ^_^

---
> "Actually we are here for information, we wanna know where we can find
> Francis Newman Stien." Kaitlin said.

ZANDAR <Asuka>: STIEN!

---

ZANDAR <mob>: Learn to read, motherfucker!
M <Ally>: No, I-
ZANDAR <mob>: I said learn to read! [mimes beating M with a bat]
M <Ally>: I can't- OH GOD!

Chimera: From the www.sixsixfive.com website, a new take on the 'fight against illiteracy' programs.

---

DRAGO <Dave>: And if that stream should become a rushing torrent, a raging cataract, why I shall ford that womanly river...

Chimera: From 'The Kids in the Hall'... Dave talks about how he's the Guy Who's Okay About Menstration, and goes on in exhaustive detail about how he can
handle even the heaviest flows.

---

> Ally gets three more wishes!

DRAGO <Ally>: How about... a beer mug that never runs out of beer?
M <genie>: Your wish is my command.
[DRAGO mimes picking up and drinking a beer mug]
DRAGO <Ally>: Hmm, this is pretty good. How about two more of these?

Lainer: I'm not sure if this counts as obscure, but I'm going to tell you about it anyways. FOX's children's programing segment used to have a quartly magazine
that was sent to subscibers, and they'd have some sort of original comic based on whatever shows were on at that time. Well, in one issue they had a comic
for Mad Jack the Pirate where Jack and his first mate Snuk were trapped in the middle of a desert. Snuk found a genie's bottle, and the above situation
took place. Needless to say, Jack looked about ready to turn Snuk into two half Snuks after the end of the comic.

---

> Far from camp, in the cold desert night the ghost of the bare wench
> dropped cheryl on the cold rocky ground.

M <ghost>: Crap! Ran out of Pathos. Now where did I leave that Fetter...?

Chimera: What, nobody's played White Wolf's 'Wraith'? In it, you play ghosts, who have Pathos instead of Bloodpool or Rage, they get it from 'Fetters'...
objects, places, or people who tie the ghost to the mortal world.

---

DRAGO <professor Schwarr, the root beer drinking man>: Now, Mr. Johnson, if we could discuss those punch cards...

Lysander: Oy. This one's kind of reaching. Its a refference to "Kirby House: the X-child," a text adventure/Interactive Fiction game by Jesse Berneko. The whole thing is basically a big parody on X-files by putting it in a college atmosphere. For example, the cigarette-smoking man becomes Professor Schwar the root beer drinking man. He walks around with two people dressed in suits and sunglasses and basically looking like Matrix agents and forces you to drink drugged root beers. Kinda silly.

---

> in the phoenix sub-urbs...

SDR: Tenchi was hitting on Athena, Sephiroth was working off his community service, and Aki was angsting... *again*.

Lainer: yeah, okay, I'm sorry. I know the thing about injokes, but it just seemed to fit. There's this MUX that I used to frequent called phoenix where
all the characters are from either anime or video games. Needless to say, interesting situations arose.

---

> meanwhile back in the living room...

NNIRK <southern accent>: Operator? Get me room 321, please.

Oniko: Ray Stevens reference. The song "Shriner's Convention" features Bubba trying to contact Coy in said room, and he says that to the operator.

---

DAVID: Maybe I should've just shouted 'HAMMER TIME!'
DUB: ...no. No, you shouldn't. Ever.

Penfold: A reference to MC Hammer that should probably go in the Riffola Musica section. I'll have to agree with dub's response, by the way.
Chimera: Sadly I feel COMPELLED to shout 'HAMMERTIME!' whenever somebody shouts STOP. It's a sickness, I know!

---

> "OH YES OH YEAH."

DUB: That was the best track off the '1977' album! I can see screaming it out during orgasm.

Oniko: A reference to "Oh Yeah," a song on Ash's "1977" album, which was released in... 1996.

---

DAVID: But without any miners, you can't get the diamond, and then you can't buy the Runaway Five's freedom, and- [notices others staring] ...never mind.

Dragomorph: Half-assed Earthbound reference. One of the sidequests requires you to get a diamond from some miners who are having problems in their cave.
Incidentally, I am between the second and the fourth best riffer in this group. ^_^

---

NNIRK: Excuse me, creepy narrator, but you've already told us you were pinned with absolutely no possibility of escape. How exactly would you manage to
forfeit your life?
MAX: Simple. Bite his tongue and bleed to death.
SDR: Or use an eyelash and a fingernail.

SD: Okay, I haven't actually /read/ the story in question, but I've seen enough references that I think it's valid. SDR is referring to a Star Trek Mary
Sue; I don't remember if it's original or TNG. I do remember that she was Empathic, Alien, Angsty, and committed suicide after playing matchmaker for the
Captain via - you guessed it - an eyelash and a fingernail.
SD: I'll Google for the reference again eventually, I think.
Chimera: Would it be wrong of me to say that I love watching a woman Google for the reference? Mmm, yeah...
Oniko: Wow. I've heard of Internet fetishes, but this is the first *Internet* fetish I've ever seen.

---

> She tried to rationalize it again. Somebody dressed up as a vampyre to
> play a joke on her,

DAVID <Mark Kendall>: I do not look like a vampire!

Lainer: from the early Jim Carrey movie Once Bitten. After Carrey gets turned into a vampire he starts wearing all black clothing, a black trench coat,
and black sunglasses. While he's going to a halloween party with his girlfirend every keeps stopping him and telling him that he has a great vampire costume,
which causes him to respond with the above. It's true too, he looked more like the Terminator.

---

DUB <boy>: My life is dead, my soul is dead, my love is dead, my little cactus I bought in Arizona is dead.

Krinn: This one's mine. Taken from Don Harmon's foreward in Heavy 3P0, a Scud: the Disposable Assassin TPB.

---

DUB: Psh. Put away the Blackfire elemental before Joseph tracks you down, pussy.

Chimera: I'm again surprised nobody got this. Joseph's the hero of the crappy PS2/PC game 'Summoner', he can summon this black burning elemental guy which
the fic reminded me of.

---

T.OGRE <Joe C>: Yo, kid! Tell 'em what yer name is!
BRANDT: [bolts to his feet, upsetting EON] My name is BRAAAAAAANNNNN-

Penfold: More Musica. This is the beginning to Kid Rock's "Bawidaba," or something close to it.

--

> "You telling me. I always have a chill every time he looks at me with
> those eyes. It feels like if those eyes pierced my soul."

LAINER: Kick ass! A soul labret!

Chimera: A labret is a lip piercing. I s'pose I could've also gone with a medusa piercing, but I like the word labret.
Lysander <Hobbs>: I like the word labret. Labret labret labret labret labret labret labret labret. <normal> ...Are we gonna have to make an obscure riffs page for the obscure riffs page? Jesus Christ I hope not.

--

EON <Andrew>: I've got a feeling. A feeling I can't hide... oh, no.

Sherlock: This has to be the fourth or fifth Beatles ref that I've been able to get before anyone else. It's the song "I've Got a Feeling."

--

> I guess that means that he goes to my school.* She noticed that she was shaking
> and stopped.

THIEF <Kyra>: Yeah, that's enough thinking about Samsung in one day.

Penfold: "Samsung means 'to come.'" This was a flash that was linked to on the Ballad a couple months before we started this episode.
Viper: It was a by a Korean woman who apparently felt like Samsung came to her house and screwed her. Literally. I'm sorry I ever posted that link. T_T
Chimera: Actually, I never saw your link... so don't feel TOO responsible. Also, you better cut back on those faces before we call you Emoticoboy.
Lysander: stfu roflmaoomgwtf^________________^;;;; :)(F)(A)
Okay, I'm done now. Are you proud, you bastard?

--

> "My dad always tells me that I’m just like my grandmother when she was
> twelve Erica," Kyra replied to her best friend.

BRANDT <Kyra>: Yeah, want to see the necklace she left me? That's odd, I wonder why it's pointing down the hallway.

Lainer: The resemblances between Kyra and Escaflowne's Hitmomi are made later on in the fic, but I got the first one. Huzzah. This one's refering to Hitomi's
magic necklace that points in the direction of really bad events.
Editing note: I'm an idiot for not noticing this, but I should have dropped the "yeah" from that line. I thought Kyra's friend was talking...

--

> Now that brought whispers from the class. "I wonder if he’ll be able to
> speak Japanese," whispered a boy.

ROBBIE: Yes, but only in his Sailor Soldier form.

Lainer: I took this one from a stupid Sailor Moon fic that I think either Dragomorph or Meagan MSTed. If it wasn't them, then I don't have the slightest
idea who did it.
Dragomorph: Doesn't sound like one I did...

--

BRANDT: That's one hell of a gaze attack.

Another editing note, and this one's obvious enough that I'm surprised that no one caught it.

Viper: ...Pokemon?
Krinn: ...D&D reference?
t.ogre: Hell, if Chimera wrote it, it's probably a Constantine or Preacher ref. Speaking of which, Chimmie, Keanu is playing John Constantine. Movie goes
into production in January.
Chimera: Now now, I've restrained myself to a maximum of two of each per episode, and I didn't do ANY in this time- Wait, did you say fucking Keanu? [slits
his wrists]

--

BRANDT: Because Der Kommisar's in town.
ALL <nodding sagely>: Whoa-oooh.

Chimera: Man, I disguised a LOT of music riffs as normal ones, didn't I?
t.ogre: Duh. Who didn't move this over to the music riffs page? It's "Der Kommisar" by the late Falco.
Chimera: To our fans (Hello to both of you), the guy who makes the Musica page just hits 'Find' and type in 'singing'. This has been a Behind the Scenes
look at Quasispace. Don't forget to describe it to your psychiatrist.

--
> "I know I’ve sensed it before, but now I forgot where."
>
> "That’s the same with us Kyra," said Kristen.

KAO: These people must be related to Shinnosuke.

Penfold: Shinnosuke is the broom-weilding guardian of Ryugenzawa in Ranma 1/2. His memory holds information almost as well as the average net holds water.

--

LAINER <Kristen>: That's because they don't have women in America, sweetie.
THIEF: Not since O'Neill's Plague, at least.

t.ogre: C'mon! Does *anyone* else realize that Frank Herbert wrote something other than the "Dune" books? It's a reference to "The White Plague." O'Neill
sets off a retributive strike after his wife and kids are killed by an IRA bomb via a gender-specific plague. Go find it at your local used bookstore and
read it. NOW.

--

LAINER <Kyo>: We must search for "him."
EON <Benitora>: Yes, it could only be "him" behind this.
KAO <Yuya>: But can we really defeat "him?"
BRANDT <Sanada>: We can only hope, for if "he" rises we'll revert to Civil War.
ROBBIE: JUST FUCKING SAY HIS NAME ALREADY!
[Beat.]
LAINER <Kyo>: Yes, "he" is the cause of all this evil.
[ROBBIE seethes.]

Dragomorph: This is mocking the half-assed fansub job in the B-rated anime "Samurai Deeper Kyo," possibly the only anime set in the time of Nobunaga that
STILL manages to stuff Tokyo Tower in by the last episode. Basically, for half the show, the characters refer to a "him" without telling us who "he" is,
and then even when it's revealed who "he" is, they STILL freaking say "him." Shitty, shitty anime.

--
When he heard the

BRANDT: -music years before, but the man there said the music wouldn't play?

> sound,

BRANDT: I was wrong? Nng! I blame you for this! [points a finger at the entrance] Bang!

Chimera: The first bit's actually a music ref to Don McLean's "The Day the Music Died". The second bit's just Brandt getting frustrated and blaming the
door to set up another, er, 'joke' I guess we could call it.
[BUZZZZ!]
Sherlock: Don McLean's song is called "American Pie." Bitch.
Chimera: Haha! I'm just too lazy to look it up. Thanks for doing my work, sucka.

--

> Her senses suddenly sensed that presence again and she quickly shot her
> head up again.

T.OGRE: Cracking it against the cabinet, stumbling into the cabinet of dolls, before finally collapsing atop the pile of life-saving junk mail.

Lainer: The junk mail might be throwing me off, but isn't this how you save the Babblefish in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy game?
Chimera: Nope. "The Kids in the Hall", this is Kevin MacDonald's tale of how junk mail saved his life (by stopping the bleeding from his head when he cracked
it on a cabinet by standing up too fast). Fun guess though.
Lysander: And for the record, our local text adventure guru here would just like to take a moment and say that the way to solve teh bablefish puzzle is to: hang your gown on the hook (thus making you naked in front of the Vogans, Ford, later Zafod and Trillian, etc., etc., but never mind those glitches; this is the '80s), stop the drain with something I can't remember (damnit, damnit, sonofabitch), block the robot pannel with Ford's satchel, and put the junkmail which you had better have picked up at the beginning of the game or you're screwed on top of the satchel. This has been another... amazing fact!

--

> Kyra quickly ran to her window and opened it.

LAINER <Clarissa>: Oh, hey Sam.
[A guitar twangs in the background.]

Lainer: From Melissa Joan Hart's first TV show, Clarissa Explains It All. Sam would always, and only, enter the scene by climbing in through Clarissa's
bedroom window. It should be noted that I like this TV show far more than I really should.
t.ogre: Admit it, it's got nothin' to do with the show. It's all about Melissa Joan Hart, ain't it?

--

But it suddenly glowed

T.OGRE: -causing the Matrix-born mirror to stop working. She'd go to see Sparrow in the morning to have it repaired.

Chimera: This is a reference to David Drake's Northworld trilogy. See, these artificers in the Northworld use this sub-universe called the Matrix to craft
things. A glowing magic necklace interfered with the mirror's connection to the Matrix, causing this princess chick to need to see Sparrow to get it fixed.

--

BRANDT: Aaahhh! Its the thing from the end of THE LURKING HORROR! Run for your life before it kills us all!

Krinn: Possible H.P. Lovecraft reference to either the short story "The Lurking Horror" or the movie of the same name.
Lysander: Actually, its to the (surprise, surprise) Infocom Interactive Fiction game. It may be just a IF-translation of the book to IF, I don't know, because I haen't read it, but its entirely possible since that was Infocom's one and only forae into the world of horror. Aaanyway, at the end of it you have this showdown-type thing with a huge mass of Evil (TM) that has tentacles. Its (somehow) plugged itself into the college's (which is where the "story" takes place) network, and is using the internet to spread its lies and decpetion of EVIL! (I *knew* it! The Gater corporation is really just a congealed blob! Now where'd I put that reworked copy of MS Blast?) You end up "beating" it by sticking the frayed end of an electrical chord into the knee-high water, electrocuting the thing to death. (you've got boots on.) The mass then promptly morphs into this weird huge bird-thing with a lot of very big teeth, which you "defeat" by throwing this red-hot stone at it. Then you pick up the stone and it cracks open, a miniature version of the thing you just killed flitting out and flying away. That's the end. No, I'm not goddamn happy with it either.

--

THIEF: At which point her body launched an infant out the window at Mach 12 who grew old and crash-landed in a grave on the other side of the planet.
ROBBIE: I'm not even going to ask.

Lainer: And Robbie shouldn't have to, since he's probably seen it. Thief's refering to a british Xbox commercial.

--

> As she looked out the window at the lake, she noticed a ripple in the
> surface.

JAKE <Sanford>: Now y'all stop tossin' my wine in the lake!

Penfold: I'm assuming that this Sanford has male progeny, as in "Sanford and Son."
Chimera: Yep. See, Sanford was always drinking Ripple wine...

--

GEN: Geez, John Haloren's surfacing *again*. Doesn't anyone know how to hide a body in a lake anymore?

Lainer: Actually, the whole point of this riff was to have Jake make it; this was way before Gen's time. It's a referance to Francis Ford Coppola's first
film, Dementia 13.
Penfold: ...I'm not sure I want to know...

--

CHAR <looking at the magazine>: Seems like transparent miniskirts are in, and women's rights are out. What a surprise.
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