Ive been away doing some thinking about my story and all, but life has kind of interspected!
Last night i left work (early) in a daze and drove an hour to see my horses. I was in the paddock in moon light just enjoying the horses thinking about what i really want to do with my life!!!! Like, is this degree im doing going to lead me anywhere, what is writing for me, what to do with my horses etc... and i decided that i would sit on Kat as i havent ridden her in over a year and half for some therapy. So i did and boy did that help! MY mind is all clear and i know what i want!
So the point of this post is to say that you should always have someone to turn to when you need to think out loud. I dont have any friends that i can talk to like this (sad i know, but i dont. No one understands me at the best of times) so i turn to my horses. They are my mediating minders! I feel relax with them and are not afraid of them thinking im crazy! Im sure they might of last night while i was sitting on Kat...Audie was quite confused why i was up there!

Anyway, i just wanted to share that with you.... im back on track with my life and therefore my writing!

Yep, Timna I know exactly what you mean, been doing some soul searching of my own lately.
I've come to the conclusion if you don't think about it you won't worry about it. So how to solve the world's problems: nobody should think at all, about anything
Try it. If you don't think about anything, nothing stresses you out, you have nothing to worry about because you're not thinking about it.

Okay so that was a rather stupid, flippant thing to say. However I've glad you've found your path again. My own soul-compass is going haywire at the moment, hopefully it'll settle down soon. Just remember if Kat starts giving you strange looks, we're all here to listen. I promise, I'll never give you a strange look..... might throw a cream pie, but no strange looks

Timna, I am glad you are focused and on track again. Sometimes it is the simple things in life that cleanse your mind of confusion, obstructions and stresses. Giving youself permission to relax because you feel safe and loved also seems to do the trick. I think you did both.

It is a shame you feel like you have no friends you really can talk to because they don't understand you. Maybe one of them does, it is just you havent allowed yourself to open up to them. I don't know.

At least you know we are here and we care about you and that your reflections on things count. I love the fact that you have had a revelation about your path in life and that you are back on track.

One of my favorite things from that song...(Can't remember its name ) "I give myself permission to shine..." That says everything to me at the moment. When I am off track and doubting myslef I think of that one line. Alot of us do NOT do that.
So I have been raving again...as usual...sorry!

deb

Timna, think of us as your Dear Diary. I've always found that if I really need to say something it's easier to write a letter even if you never send it at least you can describe what you're feeling. It's so cathartic.

It's so nice to hear that you realsied how special that time was with your horses enjoying the moonlight. They are the moments that fly past so easily and quickly that we rarely recognise them. Like when you're driving home on a friday afternoon and storm clouds are gathering so several rays of light shine distintly through dark grey clouds and a greta song comes on the radio and you sing at the top of your voice. It's funny how sometimes these moments slap you across the face and force you to look around and notice the sunshine and the kids playing cricket in the park and the mum walking her daughter across the road. It's wonderful when you can actually see the beauty and not just take it for granted. It is so invigorating and I am happy to hear that it moved and inspired you! It's so exciting!!!

Helen, I totally understand about not thinking about things. It semes so simple but it works. I think most of us work ourselves up and stress because we often enjoying wallowing in the misery and angst! But it is just as easy to be happy. Smile, laugh and relax. Don't worry be happy pretty much sums it up I think.

You guys continue to amaze me. I got to the end of this posting and just sat and cried. Okay, maybe I'm feeling a bit vulnerable lately, but it's just so lovely to see the inside of people's hearts. It's not something that happens everyday, and you guys are so honest. It really touched me.

Timna, do cherish those 'alive' moments. The opportunity to have them while you are alone is so rare later in life (as Deb will probably agree). There are plenty of special shared moments, but to have a sunset all to yourself, or share the moonlight with nature and some silent and understanding friends is just so precious.

I never have a problem wondering what I should do with my life, but I have been thinking a lot lately about the business of worry, as I seem to be working my way up to a doctorate in that area. Dr of Worry. That will be me - if I don't do something to change my habits. So I decided to try "living in the moment" and it's so hard. To just focus completely on what you're doing - like peeling potatoes or listening to your child, and not be thinking about a single other thing - not what you still have to do to make dinner, or what you could be doing instead of listening to your child/friend/spouse, or what you're planning to say next. To just be completely in the moment, paying attention to what you're doing. I guess in a way it's a form of meditation, because you need incredible discipline to keep those intruding thoughts out. But for the few minutes I managed it, I felt so liberated. You can't worry about what you did yesterday or what you fear will happen tomorrow while you're in THIS moment, because those other 'times' don't exist. Worry just evaporates. It's incredible.

Has anyone else tried 'living in the moment'?

Thanks guys. I knew i could count on you for understanding. You are all right too in what you say. I think its just stress again. I had a similar problem when in high school. I just cracked up one day and cried. I ended up quitting high school, but overall, that was the best thing for me to do, as it forced me to take a look at my life, at the early age of 17.

Helen, search that soul and you will find yourself again. Im glad i have my horses to help me relax, otherwise i would still be mopping around now. i wish you luck! And we are all here for you if need be.

Deb, i dont have close friends and i think that makes a difference. Im always to busy it seems, or im taking off to work else where in the world. I have always been an outsider here, as im a country girl, living in a city life. Actually even that i have rebelled against, because i dont go in to town now, or go and see a band anymore. im just not interested. Give me a horse show anyday! In time im sure i'll find friends that will understand me.

Alyson, Dear Diary is what i love about being able to write. I have a journal which now contains my goals for this year, an idea i got from reading abook (autobio from Gillian Rolton, pro horse rider). Set goals, and i intend on forfilling them this year.
But now i know for sure you guys will listen. Thanks.

Lou, it seems like Alyson, Lou you always look beyond aswell, something i do as well. Look at the night sky or tree or annoying bird and look beyond the exterior to why its here and how its formed. I mean a bird can fly and is designed just so, and the sky its so far away and yet it looks so close. Words can not express alot of things but as long as you look, then you'll know deep down!

So thank you all.

I have never tried living in the moment. My 'moments' are so crowded most of the time that I just don't get a few seconds to appreciate them. If that make sense?
But when I do find a precious bit of time to myself, say when I am getting the washing inside and there is a magnificent sunset, I savour every ounce of it. Just by appreciating the beauty of nature we seem to re-energize our souls....Like in the book the Celestine Prophecy.
When I see a huge old tree, I feel like I am tapping into its energy just by appreciating its majesty. Go figure! I am a tree-hugger at heart.

deb

I had years thinking I knew what I wanted "to do with my life" and spent a good deal of time and energy pursuing it and never feeling comfortable or happy doing it. I've always been a good girl, wanting to please my parents, doing well in school. And then I hit a point a couple of years ago (I remember the feeling but not the exact moment) when I realised that more than anything I loved to write. When I realised I relaxed. And all it took was for my hubby to say well if that's what you want to do then do it. So, Timna, if you love horses be with horses.

Louise, I don't know that I 'live in the moment', but along the same vein I am deliberately not self-sacrificial, if that makes sense. For example if I feel like eating chocolate or putting cream in my coffee I will do it, with friends looking on saying, "oh no I really oughtn't, I am on a diet". Diet, smiet!!! I say. Life's too short, why deny yourself the simple pleasures of eating Cadbury or buying too many tops that look very much the same (or buying hot pink stickey tape and staples which confused my hubby no end but gave me great pleasure - stationery addict that I am) or lying in the sun reading a book when you could be cleaning the bathroom. I think we should all enjoy the melting moments as once they are gone they are gone forever...

Hey all. I've been "lurking" around most days this week, but have been in a rather subdued mood, so have been keeping to myself. Feeling a bit guilty that I'm not contributing to the messages when I'm actually still reading them. I used to get like this when I was writing a lot of poetry, and then I'd sit down and write something I really loved, so maybe that's going to happen now. (I really hope so). I haven't written anything since I got back - I think I've just put so much pressure on myself that now I'm avoiding it out of fear of failure. Argh!

A few ideas that I've had for storylines have been floating around for a few weeks, but I think I've used the energy the wrong way. Instead of using it to sit down and create something, I seem to have sent the energy out into the universe - I keep finding books about things I've thought of - angels, historical stories, (Kim's books) without deliberately looking for them. So then I think, well now my idea's not very original, so it bogs me down. I know, I know, I should just write anyway as it'll probably go off on a completely different tangent to what I've read. I haven't even tried the idea of using a song either. Shame on me!

Ok, I'm going to walk away for a few minutes, and get this gripeyness out of my system. I didn't mean to whinge, I guess my soul searching at the moment is just trying to work out how to overcome some of my fears and get into a productive state. Fi

Fiona, I get like that too and often write poetry that reflects the shadows lurking inside me. Very theraputic and sometimes inciteful.

About the fear of failure. Boy oh boy are you speaking my language. It is like a wall that grows up around you, blocking you from accessing your motivation and drive to follow your dreams.
It is like dark energy that doesn't allow anything in but negative feelings. (Rambling here, sorry!)
All I can say is try to push through it. Write something, anything, even if it is only how you are feeling. Get the words flowing. It will hopefully chip away at the wall. Once a little hole forms in the wall it often comes tumbling down.

deb

Fiona, you lurker you! But seriously, we've all done that, and I'm so pleased that you were at least still reading the messages and feeling part of it, even if you weren't up to contributing. My mother always used to say (and still does) "Some days are diamonds, some days are stone". Corny I know, but very true. You can't be up and motivated all the time, and writing is all about the shadows, not just the dark or the light. You need nuances in your work and sometimes those emotions are bleak. I'm with Deb, write it down. If you feel blah, write a character who's feeling that way too. Let them express what you're going through.

I've been feeling guilty about not dropping in every day but I've been putting in 18 hour days and anything left over after that is pillow-time. However, I'm posting the manuscript back tomorrow so after I take a day off and do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, I'll be back on here regularly hassling you guys.

So looking forward to that.

my days have been short, but my nights are getting longer.... Im a night worker so its better this way. But i still feel like i have achieved little during the day. But im on track with life and am enjoying it! I have stopped writing for a bit for some reason (could be the fact that uni is startign to scare me.) but i have a million and one things to do still before i get heavily swamped with uni.
hope you are all well and making better progress with writing.

Timna, whenever I can't write I always comfort myself with the knowledge that it's still happening inside my head. Four Winds will get written, and the time spent not writing is great for percolating ideas. Hope Uni isn't too hard. Which year are you up to this year?