Hey guys,
Just a quick posting this morning. I posted half of my first chapter of "Breaking The Cycle" up on the RandomX site. If any of you have a bit of time to spare, I'd really appreciate some feedback on it! You can find the posting at:

http://groups.msn.com/RandomX/thenovelboard.msnw?action=get_message&mview=0&ID_Message=220&LastModified=4675397727289758534

thanks guys..
Kerrie

i'm getting a little worried.. either everyone is extremely busy at the moment or no one wants to say just how bad my ms really is lol! everyone is busy (i'm hoping that's the reason), hopefully with your own manuscripts!!, but if you have a few minutes to spare, even if you can only read the first few sentences.. please give me some feedback?

Please?

Kerrie

You have to give us a little more time than 24 hours Kerrie! (23 hours, 23 minutes)... hehe

Ok, I had a quick read and then a more indepth read... here goes...

Your dialogue is pretty good for the most part, the girls seem to be rather upper class and maybe from the 50's or 60's. I got lost at the beginning when there was no 'Lynne said, Kath said', especially as we are being introduced to new characters. This bit also vexed me...

“What does that mean?” Lynne had asked defensively.

“What? Improper?"

“No. Where did you hear that about my parents?”

Kath never said the word improper in this conversation, she reflected on the situation, but the word never came out. Maybe if it was...

"What? Improper?" Kath thought aloud.

or something like that which allows her thinking to enter conversation. She was so caught up in her thoughts that improper is just on Kath's brain.

Second thing I felt... your dialogue was fleshed out, but your description of the teachers felt short by comparison. I am guilty of this too. I love dialogue, I love characters arguing and shouting and planning, but when I describe where they are, 'they're sitting in a pub.'...

The last thing I picked out, the beginning of the story feels like I've jumped into a conversation midway through. I feel like I'm not getting the whole story and would at least what the initial question was, and maybe a little more of where they are, who they are and what they are doing sitting on a wall.

That's all I have.

Hope I've been some help.

Mick,
Thankyou so much! That's exactly what I needed. And yes, impatience is one of my annoying habits LOL I really appreciate the time you took to have a read and comment on things. It will deffinately give me a bit to think about and as I said, it is exactly what I was after!

Thanks again,
Kerrie

Hey Kerrie, I liked your work! And I think it's great feedback from Mick - well said!

Can I be a pain and ask for some feedback too?? I'm just tapping away at my keyboard, after way too long a break, and really need some encouragement to get my butt into gear!!! LOL! Nah, just want to know if my little bit so far is interesting enough to keep going with.... email me - fbrownen@optushome.com.au if anyone of you want me to forward it to you.... And I promise not bug you again (if this bit's ok!) until I'm much much further down the track with it all....

Cheers Fi