Please let me know what you think...
I have just finished my first draft - my journal of the endurance of my Postnatal Depression.
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It was Monday, September 12, 2006. My partner, let’s call him Harry, of 4 years and I were expecting our first baby.

I left work at 1pm to make my 2pm appointment at the hospital. It was just a routine check-up with one of the midwives, though I had been having tight contractions all day on the hour. the midwife told me my baby was engaging in the correct position and everything looked fine. I asked her about the contractions and she said "Oh It’s just Braxton Hicks. No need to feel concerned unless they are a few minutes apart." So I went home with my partner.

A friend was over that night and at 6pm the contractions were worsening, though still an hour apart. She was concerned and said I should go to the hospital, though I waved her concerns off and told her that this is what was meant to happen, they weren’t real contractions and the midwife said it was fine.

At 9pm the contractions were so painful and happening every 30 minutes, so I told my friend I was going to bed to see if I could rest.

It was midnight when Harry came to bed and his concerns grew when he saw me crunched up on the bed, holding my breath. He asked if I was okay and i snapped at him, telling him "No, I am not okay." He got up immediately and started searching the internet for information on contractions and ran back in to the room. He asked me how far contractions were apart and I said I didn’t know, though it seemed like they were ongoing at this stage. We timed the contractions and they were 4 minutes. It was a 30 minute drive to the hospital and Harry was growing quite anxious.

I called the hospital and told the receptionist. She said it is highly unlikely I am in labor as I was only 33 weeks pregnant. I told her contractions were only 4 minutes apart and she said "Well, you can come in if you want to, but I doubt you are in labour."

We flew into the car and Harry drove to the hospital as calmly as he could manage.

He filled out all the paper work while a midwife wheeled me down to the birthing suite.

I was immediately hooked up to a machine to monitor the baby's heart rate and a belt that went around my tummy to monitor the contractions.

A doctor came in and did an internal examination and said I was 4cm dialated. I was having a baby! I was given a steroid injection in my thigh to help the baby's lungs prepare for birth. The doctor also gave me a drip which would stop contractions, to ensure the baby got the steroids.

After spending the night in the birthing suite, Harry, sleeping in a comfy recliner opposite me, I was extremely tired. contractions had fully ceased, though I was feeling very anxious about whatever was going to happen.

A doctor came in early in the morning and sat down on the bed. She asked me if I understood what was going on and I told her I had no idea what to expect. She said "Well, you are going to go home with a baby, maybe today, maybe in two days.. But the contractions will start again when your body is ready and you will have her soon." The doctor left the room and I began to cry. I hugged my tummy, my baby, because I was so overwhelmed knowing I would soon meet her.

Doctor’s came and went for most of the day and I was only able to get off the bed to go to the toilet in the birthing suite. A doctor did an internal around 3pm and said I was still only 4cm dialated. I was moved up to the maternity ward and told I couldn’t move from my bed as contractions could start again.

Around 4pm Harry said he was going down to draw some money out from an ATM and my legs were becoming numb from lying down for so long. I asked the nurse if I could go for a short walk and she said I really shouldn't but it was up to me. So I walked with Harry down to the ATM and back up to the room again. I was only gone for 5 minutes. I suggested to Harry that he should go and see a movie at the cinema, which was only around the corner. That way I could reach him if anything happened and he wouldn’t be too far away.

He left and half an hour later my contractions were back with a vengeance. That was at 4pm on Tuesday the 13th September, 2006.

By 9am the next day (Wednesday 14th), it seemed my waters could not break on their own (I had been stuck at 8cm since 4pm the day before). The doctor was growing incredibly worried that my body had been in and out of contractions for long enough already, so intervention was made and he broke my waters for me. A drip was then inserted into my arm to speed up my contractions so infection would not take place.

Edie was born at 10.22am Wednesday, 14th September, 2006 via natural delivery. My story begins here.

Chatper One.
I first starting feeling down when my baby was born 7 weeks premature. She was whisked away at first glance and remained in an incubator for 2 weeks, being fed by gavage (nasal tube to her tummy).

I was able to have my first 5 minute cuddle when she was 1 day old, though her heartbeat was raised and she had to go back into the incubator.

One day I went up to the hospital and they were bottle feeding Edie. I was very upset that no one phoned me before they tried feeding her, so I could try and make it to the hospital before her first bottle feed.

The hospital had me stay in hospital for 2 nights with Edie before they were going to send her home, to make sure I could handle having a baby around me.

On the day we were due to take Edie home from the special care nursery, she stopped breathing and turned blue. She was 3 weeks old at this stage.

These episodes were called 'dusky episodes' and the doctors decided to keep her in for observation. Dusky episodes occur when a baby cannot manage breathing/sucking and swallowing properly after or during a feed. Edie only had them after a bottle feed.

Due to being premature, she was unable to breastfeed. She had a natural reflex of the tongue, which meant her tongue stuck to the roof of her mouth majority of the time and she was unable to latch on to the breast. We went to a nearby day-stay clinic with the breastfeeding Association for 2 months, though Edie still made no attempt to latch on. The consultants would make me hold off feeding her so she felt hungrier, though this only upset me more, hearing her cry like she was starving, despite the fact that she was probably only a little peckish.

Eventually the consultant suggested that we continue to feed Edie the bottle, as my milk was almost dried up and the medication the GP gave me wasn't working to keep the milk flowing, even though I was getting up every few hours throughout the night and expressing all that I could.

I felt failed. Despite knowing that she was happy and healthy and growing in all the right ways and knowing there wasn’t much I could do about how things went, I still felt the guilt and upset and cannot shake it. Meanwhile I also felt like my relationship with Harry was on rocky ground.

My doctor started me on medication for Postnatal Depression in June 2006, though in August I stopped the medication because I soon felt guilty for needing it to make me 'normal'.

My doctor has been a great support for me and let me go a few months off the medication, only to find I was slowly becoming upset again. So I have resumed the medication in Dec 2006.

I started seeing a councilor though found that I can talk about all of these issues, yet nothing was getting resolved. I didn’t feel as though anything had been lifted off my shoulders and felt as if this depression was a huge weight on my shoulders. My GP told me that talking is good, though no one can really shake these feelings and thoughts unless it is me. So now, I write this journal.

by the way.. its kerrie..

p.s...sorry.... just had a look at harper collins website (which publish a range of biographies and such)... they say they will not accept any unsolicitored manuscripts... that they only accept manuscripts through literary agents... how do i go about getting an agent???

Dear Kerrie

Lovely to hear from you again, although clearly a lot has happened to you since you were in here last!

RE contacting an agent, the best listing of agents is in the "Australian Writers Marketplace" which is available in libraries or through the Qld Writers Centre. Or you could look at novels like yours in bookstores and check the acknowledgements page to see if the author thanks their editor and/or their agents. This is a good way of finding editors and agents who like this style of book. Once you know who to target, you send them a covering letter with a sample of your book. I'd suggest a partial manuscript (first fifty pages honed to perfection), to see if they like it.

Sometimes it's just as hard to get an agent as it is to get a publisher, but persistence and continually learning and honing your work is the key. Just don't give up