this just wipes me out, and i am so useless. i am barely sitting upright, trying to help my daughter's little family. she is gone (my oldest with Aspies) and her babies are alone with their young father. both children are showing the rash that comes between strep (which he didnt know they had) and rheumatic fever.
he just passed 5 kidney stones, and now this, and it is making me remember all those years of one thing after another that my own 'lion' nature would kick in, against poverty and no car, and docs who didnt care... and everything that threatened my little ones...
how constant it was, and how hard.
and it all got worse and more constant and more hopeless the 2 years before i crashed and burned with N symptoms. i feel like i failed, the whole thing won against me,
i am going bonkers. i would rob a bank or something if i could keep my grandbabies and soninlaw from being hurt and in danger. and i CANT make an excuse to him when he is stuck out there in the woods with the babies and asks me what will help, what does something mean, what should he do? cant tell him it is too much for me, i have to go lie down.
that just freaking blows, i hate myself, and fight to sit up; keep trying to answer questions and ask questions, and be right and clear enough for him to understand, and still not miss anything. find out from him if the docs were just brushing something off, and why didnt he get to emergency in the middle of the night, and why the kids antibiotics were not started sooner.
then how in the world he can get a car, and how long will unemployment last, and if they are cold in that house (for mercys sake!) and if the weather is still making it all so hard
it might help him MORE if i could talk on the phone, but i CANT hear the babies in his arms, or have him ask me "why did she leave, Mom? what can i do?" , that would be TOO EMOTIONAL, NOPE, CANT GO THERE,
and then the kidney stones and the rheumatic fever will never be talked about at all because i will just collapse and be totally hatefully useless.