3rd break - Lainer, we need an Ice Fenix updated version of this.
by Cosmos
The screen stuttered for a second before turning to a white blank. Moments later the
blank was replaced with the image of two Frou-frou bunnies nibbling on an electrical
wire. Next to it was the pink text ‘Currently experiencing technical difficulties.
Please wait.’
“Piece of crap!” Nnirk barked from the hillside behind the riffers.
“Oh look, you’re doing it wrong.”
“Says the girl that lost our tank.”
Away from the bickering, the riffers were sitting around waiting for whatever was coming
next. Brandt was looking at the screen, still quite amused by the cute picture of the
bunnies, while eonsinger was sleeping on his nap. Kao was looking through her
hammerspace for space clips, Lainer was re-enacting the He-Man movie with some blocks of
wood he had found in his coat, and t.ogre was attempting to get the grass stains out of
his cape. Finally, Robbie was busy drawing diagrams in the grass. When he had finished,
he looked up and addressed his companions.
“I think I have a plan to get us out of here.”
All heads turned to look at Robbie, and most of them had a very skeptical expression on
them. “But,” he continued, “We’re going to have to work together…” The heads then turned
to regard each other. Most of them had some level of hostility towards the other from
past theater experiences, and cooperation wasn’t very high on their
things-to-do-without-possibility-of-cash-reward list.
“Come on guys! It’s this, or we wait for them to start up that fic again! And it’s only
a matter of time before *that* turns into tentacle dickgirl lesbian porn. Right Lainer?”
“Well, I can’t remember everything from the summary, but I’m pretty sure he gets the
Wood card next.”
And then their minds were made up.
“So,” t.ogre said while brushing his cape back over his shoulder, “What do we do?”
***
“Huh, looks like the captives are up to something,” Ryukage said, looking up from her
position straddling Nnirk.
“Really?” Nnirk asked, on his back and still keeping the TTD controller out of his
accomplice’s hands. He half rolled to the side, throwing Ryukage off of him, and stood
up. His victims were indeed doing something. Something that required pulling oversized
Barbie furniture out of Lainer’s coat and pasting paper wings on eon’s back.
“What are they doing?” Ryukage asked from a sitting position.
“Don’t know, but it should be amusing. Or, at least, give me enough reason to test out
the smite features on this thing.”
***
“No t.ogre! Those lights need to be higher!”
“Makeup! Where’s my makeup?”
“And where’s my sandwich?”
“In three… two…”
“Damnit Robbie, we’re not ready yet!”
“I could have sworn I put it down right here…”
“Action!”
The previously blank screen changes to a super deformed picture of eon’s head along with
the title ‘eon-Chan Check!’. Kao, who is standing at the top of a ladder, pulls the
screen up, revealing eon. He is sitting behind a bunny-sized table with a bunny-sized
computer to his right. He waves cheerfully.
“Hi kids, how are you doing? Oh really? Well I’m sure they make medication for that.
Now, in today’s episode we met Shriker, and I’m sure you all have lots of questions
about him, so I’m going to do my best to answer them. First let’s see what a Google
search will turn up.” eon turns over to the computer and begins typing on the keyboard.
“eon!” Robbie shouted in a stage whisper, “That’s just a prop!”
“Well then what am I supposed to do out here?”
“Just improvise it!”
eon faced forward again and coughed, “Well, so… we should probably start at the
beginning. Shriker was… er… raised by wolves… in the Congo Alps… in the fourteenth
century. At he age of seven he was accepted as an apprentice to a… plastic flower
company,” eon said, now more sure of himself, “He soon learned the secret to life, the
universe, and pudding. Using this knowledge he won the Pulitzer Prize and went on to
invent the common cold. After marrying a previously undiscovered species of newt, he
moved to the Sea of Tranquility and…”
***
Lainer, unnoticed by Ryukage and Nnirk, had sneaked away from the show and closer to the
Shoggoth Temple, who had been busying itself by crucifying snails. He moved toward the
demon, creeping closer, and closer, and closer, and stepping on a twig, and snapping it
loudly, and alerting the demon, and getting one of its tentacles wrapped around his
neck.
“Urk.”
“You don’t bewong here. You should go bwack to YOUR SEAT, CURL!”
“Uck, I thought you might be, gah, lonely?”
“I’m not wonwy. I have THE THOUSANDS OF SOULS WHICH I HAVE DEVOURERED to keep me
cwompany.”
“Ack, I have a, urk, present for you?”
“A pwesent?!” it exclaimed as it dropped Lainer and began jumping from leg to leg in
excitement, “WILL IT ALLOW ME TO HARVEST THE FIELDS OF INNOCENT SOULS WITH SUCH TERROR
NOT SEEN SINCE THE ELDERS DECENDED UPON THE LAND?!”
“Uh,” Lainer stalled while digging through his coat pockets. He’d never really bothered
to ever get anything useful out of it, but right now his life was depending on it. His
life, and that Nike shoe transformer that Robbie had promised him. Goddamn Lainer wanted
that transformer. He continued to search though his pockets when suddenly his hand
grazed something fuzzy and doll-shaped. Not taking any further time to examine it he
took it out and presented it to the demon.
It was fuzzy, and doll-shaped, but that completely ignored its other characteristics.
For example, its cartoonishly oversized cat-shaped head; its four long tentacles in
place of arms; and the soulless, bottomless pits where it’s eyes should have been. Upon
seeing it the demon squealed in delight and ripped it from Lainer’s hand.
“A Hewwo Cthulhu! I’ve aways wanted one of these!” The demon then began giggling
uncontrollably at the geysers of blood that shot out of the doll’s eyes when its torso
was squeezed. Two of the doll’s arms twitched, and without warning shot up and wrapped
around the demon’s head; not phasing the demon in the slightest. Lainer started to back
up, but a third tentacle shot out and attached itself to his cheek.
“Auuuhhhh! It’s melting off my skin! It burns!” he then paused and said, in a completely
calm voice, “But it’s doing *wonders* for my pores!” He then resumed screaming.
***
“… and about this full empty aura of his, just what exactly *is* in it? Some have
suggested that the souls of the people he is avenging are trapped inside, others have
suggested an otherworldly being that grants him great power. I, however, think it
contains a fruit bowl.”
eon reaches under the table and brings up a bunny-sized fruit bowl. “That’s what I
always keep in *my* aura. Because you should always be prepared.” He pushes the bowl
forward. “Banana? Oh really? I hope that’s not contagious.”
***
“I don’t get it.”
“We agree on this much at least. I think it’s high time to start the smiting.”
Ryukage got up and peered over Nnirk’s shoulder at the control, “Are there any Wrath of
God options on there?”
“Locusts, frogs, or giant man-eating leeches?”
Ryukage’s choice had to be delayed, however, as Robbie had suddenly leapt up from behind
and grabbed her. Nnirk too had been nabbed, but by t.ogre, and in his surprise he had
dropped the TTD control. It rolled down the small hill until finding a resting place at
its bottom. “Kao! Quick!” Robbie shouted, “Get the control!”
“Huh?” Kao responded from her position at the top of the ladder. She started climbing
down the ladder, but quickly lunged forward, attempting to catch the canvas she just let
go of. She missed it, and the floating screen swung down, hitting eon in mid lecture.
The force of the hit propelled the small bunny across the field and straight into
t.ogre’s face. The Rube Goldberg sequence almost completed, t.ogre attempted to pull the
spazing eonbunny off his face, and in turn, let go of Nnirk, who made a beeline for the
control. They only had one hope left.
“Brandt! The control!”
Brandt, who had been quietly watching eon’s performance, reached over and picked up the
control. “Great!” Robbie shouted, “Now open up another portal so we can all get out of
here!”
“And why the fuck would I want to do that, Quimlad?”
Every noise in the field stopped dead. And, although it wasn’t audible, one could
clearly hear the phrase ‘Oh. Fuck.’ thought by all present.
“Now, you see, I think I’ve been a fairly good sport.” Thief started in a calm tone of
voice, “ I’ve had to sit through three different theater showings of shitty, sappy, and
incredibly boring fanfics in less then the span of a day. And not just that, but I’ve
had to spend it with a collection of the most inane, idiotic, righteous, and, again,
*boring* people that I have ever met. *And* I’ve had to deal with people that want to
*encourage* the little freak living in my skull. And once I FINALLY get things together,
and things start going my way, I GET STUCK BACK IN A GODAMN THEATER. I am, right now,
kind of mad.”
Thief took a deep breath. He turned to the Shoggoth Temple. “So, first of all. You.
Dead.” He pointed the control at the demon and pressed a button. Shoggoth Temple, still
giggling and hugging the Hello Cthulhu, exploded into a gooey mess that covered the now
comatose Lainer. Lainer blinked, muttered something about getting slimed, and fainted.
Thief then turned to t.ogre, who was standing next to Ryukage and Nnirk. Robbie and eon
had long ago fled to Kao’s hiding place behind the screen. “You three. Dead.” He pushed
another button on the control.
***
In another universe, one vastly different than this one, there were Phils. And they were
fixing.
The tank’s wave of destruction had thrown the Phil’s normal schedule of sitting around
watching daytime television into total disarray. Most of them were working on rebuilding
the several hundred banks and sheriffs offices that made up a majority of the buildings
in this particular ghost town. A few were even building new tumbleweeds. In this
particular part of town, more specifically the part that had been sandwiched by a
modified M1-A1 Abrams tank, there were yet more Phils.
One was rearranging a cabinet of liquors in alphabetical order by poisons, another was
painstakingly painting stains on the counter top, and a third was attempting to push
said tank out of the ruins. He wasn’t having much luck considering that the tank
outclassed him by several thousand pounds.
“Would Phil like Phil to try pushing to?” The Phil near the bar asked in a condescending
tone.
“Phil is doing fine, thank Phil very much.”
Phil continued to push the tank for a few more moments before he got fed up and kicked
the tank. And then the tank moved. Straight up. The three Phils all stared at the Tank
as it began spinning around and shooting out laser lights on the remains of the bar’s
walls. And as soon as it had started, it stopped. The tank was gone.
“Um… Phil didn’t do it…”
***
With a crash and a bang and a sound oddly akin to an accordion hooked up to an air pump,
another portal opened in the meadow. The tank inside of it hovered for a moment before
plummeting down and crushing t.ogre, Ryukage, and Nnirk.
“t.ogre!” eon shouted in his cute little bunny voice.
“All right fuckateers,” Thief said in his still calm voice, “You’re all going to sit
down over there and enjoy another nice little fic of incomparable horror while I go
and-“
“Fight him Brandt! Fight him!”
Thief flinched and turned back to face the tank. Pushing himself out of the tank’s
cramped interior was indeed the still living t.ogre.
“What the… how the… WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?” Thief screamed at the wrestler.
His attention was then turned to the blinking LCD screen of the TTD controller.
>Looney Toons Physics
>Activated
“Son of a horing, teenage, ecks popping BITCH!” Thief threw the controller to the ground
in a huff and began charging up a giant psychic blast. He was distracted, however, by
the tank, which had started to… change. The turret had begun to fold over the top of the
vehicle, the treads had slid inside of the chassis, and the entire tank was leaning
forward. t.ogre wisely pushed himself the rest of the way out and jumped off. A small
blue hand followed him, but it was forced back in as the hatch swung closed. Thief
watched the monstrosity for a little while before picking up the control and reading its
display.
>Plan B
>Activated
The tank, now fully transformed, resembled a large metallic man. A large metallic man
with a cannon coming out of his chest and an obscene number of missile bays covering his
body. The machine surveyed the meadow before speaking, “Attention squishy humans. You
will be destroyed. That is all.” And then it started shooting.
“We have to get out of here,” Robbie said from his hiding place behind the floating and,
as it turned out, fire proof screen.
“But how are we supposed to get through THAT?”
“And I’m not leaving without Brandt,” t.ogre said forcefully. The psychic in question
was doing an admirable job of avoiding mini-sidewinders.
“t.ogre, there are more important matters to address right now,” eon said from his perch
on Robbie’s head, “Besides, the way things are going, I’m sure we’ll run into him
again.”
t.ogre only grunted, resigning himself to leaving Brandt behind.
“But we still have to get by that robot. If only we had a distraction or a-“
(Cutie bishie boy!)
The riffers all blinked and turned around to see the small blur in the shape of the
Magical Wrench Fairy. It quickly shot across the battle-wracked field and attached
itself to the robot’s head. The missile barrage stopped abruptly as it attempted to pull
the tiny fairy from itself.
“That looks like a distraction,” Kao said, still slightly stunned.
“Robbie, you get eon,” t.ogre said, taking command, “I’ll pick up Lainer. Everyone run
for that portal!”
“Awww,” Kao whined while running beside t.ogre, “Can’t we just leave him here?”
“No Kao. That would be wrong.”
“So?”
t.ogre quickly picked up Lainer’s body and, with Kao, leapt through the portal that the
tank had come through. Robbie, with eon clinging desperately to his hair, almost made it
through at the same time, but a bolt of energy from the portal shot out and hit eon. He
froze in place for a moment, and then grew to several times his size as well as becoming
significantly less fuzzy.
“Hey! I’m human again! All right!” The now restored eon shouted.
“Gurk…” Robbie wheezed out, as eon was currently standing on him.
(I’ll love you, and hug you, and dress you up pretty, and...) the jubilant Wrench Fairy
babbled. The tank finally managed to pull the sprite off of itself and flicked it in the
direction of the portal. The fairy collided with eon, who was helping Robbie back up,
and sent all three tumbling headfirst into the portal. Unnoticed by the tank, Thief had
climbed the robot with the TTD in hand.
“Those were my captives you oversized dildo!” he shouted while working over the robot’s
head with the TTD. He managed to get two good hits in before metallic tendrils came out
of the machine’s head and wrestled the TTD away from him. Thief tried to grab it back,
but the machine had already pulled it in and integrated the part into its head.
“Crisis adverted,” the machine reported in its flat monotone, “Shutting down.”
All right, okay, this is still salvageable. He just had to get some more hapless fools
and the day might not be a complete waste. But to do that he had to figure out how the
new TTD worked. Say, it *did* look at good deal like a VCR.
As if on queue, a slot next to the TTD opened and revealed a small selection of videos.
Thief skimmed through it before picking out a tape with _Slayers Try_/_End of
Evangelion_ written on the side. Well, this should be interesting. Thief popped in the
tape, flipped the TKRS switch, and waited for the machine to do its thing.
***
A few minutes passed before any thing happened. And then the first portal opened in one
of the larger craters, and then another followed it, and another, until there were six
portals forming a circle inside the crater. Simultaneously they shot out their contents,
five humanoid shapes and a colony of hamsters, and dissipated. The first to dig herself
out of the hamster pile was a young girl wearing lots of jewelry and a t-shirt that read
‘I got sucked through a temporal warp hole and all I got was this stupid t-shirt’. She
was followed by a twenty something man and even younger boy wearing a tuxedo with a
sword strapped to his back that threatened to topple the kid over.
“Why the fuck am I here, who the fuck are you, and which one of you fuckers brought me
here?” the girl demanded of her companions.
“I think you are looking for me darling,” Thief said from his perch on the robot’s
shoulder.
“Okay then, who the fuck are *you*?” She again demanded.
“And where did you get that My Size Megatron?” The younger boy asked.
“None of that really matters. All you need to know is that I’m going to torture all of
you, and if I get bored, I’m going to do to you what I did to the last group,” Thief
said while gesturing at the craters.
“I seem to attract these people like flies,” The older man said while taking some stones
out of his pockets. Once he had gathered them together they began to glow brightly. “But
that’s okay, because you’re not going to be here in a minute.”
When the man had taken out the stones the previously clear sky had become overcast. Now
it was becoming darker and darker. Lighting flashed in the distance, and the rolling
thunder was almost constant. He then pitched his hands downward, and the sky fell. The
clouds and lighting condensed into a physics-defying sphere in the space between him and
the robot. The girl, just to spite physics even more, pointed at the sphere and
magically covered it with a layer of white fire. The boy, because it couldn’t hurt, took
a concussion bomb out of his pocket and tossed it into the mess.
The man pulled his hands backwards a few inches, and then thrust them forward, sending
the thunder ball flying forward at the robot. Thief just calmly watched the ball while
pushing the button labeled ‘Countermeasures’ on the TTD. At once all parts of the robot
not covered with missile launchers slid open, displaying a colony of large lizards that
hung onto the robot’s power cables. Back at the crater the boy swore rather strongly.
The magic ball continued to charge at the machine. But about two meters away from it, it
just vanished. The concussion bomb continued to fly with the momentum, but it passed
between the robot’s legs and exploded harmlessly several meters away.
“Now that that’s over with, I’d really appreciate if you dug up the rest of your
companions and watched a few little fics in quiet,” Thief said while leaning against the
robot’s head.
After the stunned silence had ended, the three captives in the crater sighed and
addressed one another. “Hi. My name’s Jake, and I’m kind of a thunder god,” the twenty
something man said while extending his hand.
“Charandra. I’m a fire goddess in training,” the girl replied, her t-shirt now reading
‘I’m real easy to get along with, once you people learn to worship me’.
“I’m Brian, but I’m not really a god of anything…” the small boy said.
The three were about to work on uncovering whoever was left in the pile when a hand, and
then an upper torso, of a young Japanese teenager shot out of the hamsters. His eyes
went instantly to the bishounen resting on the robot’s shoulder. “Thief!” He shouted. He
then took a better look at his surroundings and followed it with, “You bastard!”
“Oniko! You bastard! Glad you could join us,” The psychic responded.
Oniko pushed some more hamsters off of himself, and then fiercely kicked his right leg a
few times. The remaining hamsters all awoke and scattered, revealing a short dragon-like
creature wearing a trench coat nibbling on Oniko’s leg. “Hey!” Oniko shouted at the
thing while pushing it off.
“Well excuse me if your leg happens to taste like kung pow chicken,” it said when it had
gotten off. According to the nametag on its yellowish orange jumpsuit its name was
Darkhorse Pterid. Together the five captives walked over to the screen and wait for the
first fic to start playing.
Posted on Apr 16, 2003, 3:03 PM from IP address 12.82.74.177