BRANDT: Sorry, we don't accept returns without - wait a second.
SHERL: Recycling: Good for the environment, bad for your fanfiction.
>
> "a female student?, no I am Washu, the top scientific genius in the
ALAIR: -Paleolithic Era. I believe we've established that any other period is too technologically advanced for you to comprehend.
SHERL: [snorts] Like she could understand the finer points of flaking granite.
ONIKO: I'm sorry but there is no better scientific genius than Lucca.
[Flint, not granite. Or obsidian if you want to go all badass. Also, have ALAIR say 'for her', otherwise it kinda looks like she's continuing Washu's line. -Chimera]
> universe, I am cute, althrough I must admit I look a little young"
MAX: Hey, its better than looking 4000 years old.
ONIKO <Amy>: I got cuteness reduction surgery here... and here.
[That is how old Washu apparently is, right?]
[In the "All-New Tenchi Muyo!" series, it says she's more than 20,000 years old. I'm pretty sure that's closer to her real age than 4,000. -Sherlock]
[I really hope they didn't redo their origin stories in that one AGAIN... -Chimera]
> was what greeted Adam as he walked in two trays of full English
> breakfasts,
VIPER <Adam>: Waffles, ladies, dripping in honey and jam, and coated in cheese.
ALAIR <Ryoko>: That sounds about as healthy as jumping off a cliff.
ONIKO: Nah, nowadays it's tequila to dull the pain of their bad teeth and help them forget that they were once a world superpower.
> "eat it all up or you can't leave" said Adam
[ALL shudder.]
ALAIR <quietly>: Stephen King never wrote anything that scary.
> when he
> handed the two girls the trays full of food,
MAX <Washu>: But I hate blood pudding!
ONIKO <Ryoko>: This isn't proper English sausage, there's too much meat in it!
> "but I'm only a little
> girl, can't you let me off with a few little scraps of food?" asked
> Washu in a child like voice,
SHERL: Since when could Washu channel Oliver Twist?
THIEF: Yeah, she'll just puke it up later.
[THIEF stands on his seat.]
THIEF: YOU'LL NEVER BE AS PRETTY AS THE GIRLS IN THE MAGAZINES, WASHU!
[THIEF sits down, cackling to himself.]
> " no because if you eat it all up you
> will become a big girl
BRANDT <dryly>: I think after 20,000 years, she's passed her adolescence.
ONIKO: But if she hasn't, that'd explain a LOT, you gotta admit that.
> to go with your ego, althrough I don't think
> that its possible" he said doging the fork that was thrown at him,
BRANDT <fork>: *You* think *I* have a big ego? Take that!
VIPER <Adam>: Hmm! Something wrong, cupcake?
> "and Ryoko, you gotta eat it all so you regain all you strengh incase
> we get attacked when we get back to Tenchi's"
THIEF <Adam>: You know how jealous Sasami can be...
SHERL <idly sharpening his claws on the chair in front of him>: Obligatory joke about how much energy faking takes.
MAX <bored>: Obligatory reference further mocking Adam's bedroom prowess.
ALAIR: Hey! Couldn't you at least put a little more effort into this?
VIPER : -said Ryoko to Adam last night!
ALAIR: That's the sprit! [pats VIPER on the head] Good palette swap.
VIPER: HEY! This isn't my fault, damnit!
[VIPER sulks, muttering something about cheap game designers.]
> Ryoko blushed and as
> Adam turned back towards the kitchen, Washu whispered, "was he good
> was and how big was he?"
MAX: Just when I think Adam's run out of ways to make himself look good...
ALAIR <Ryoko>: Meh on both counts.
ONIKO: Look. There are some things you just *don't* talk about with your mother.
[OR]
BRANDT <confused>: About 6'1", can't Washu see that for herself?
[VIPER whispers into BRANDT's ear. BRANDT blushes from the roots of his hair to the collar of his shirt.]
ONIKO: How can you be so innocent after Hamster and all the tentacle beasts, boy!?
BRANDT: ...Hamster? Who's Hamster? I have no idea what you're talking about.
ONIKO: You lucky bastard!
> Adam turned back and said, "its none of your
> business, so there" Washu looked horrified
THIEF: In other words, it took three Search-and-Rescue teams, satellite surveillance, and a joint international intelligence operation for Ryoko to even FIND Adam's penis.
ALAIR: And when the hell did Washu learn to feel shame? Has she been hanging around too many Catholics or something?
SHERL <Washu>: They ACTUALLY canceled Sonic The Hedgehog!! NOOOOO!
[Should probably give the last line to Viper for irony. Also, he is the resident Sega expert, for what that's worth. -Chimera]
> as Ryoko sat there
> laughing.
THIEF <Ryoko, laughing>: If I could've SEEN it, I'd tell you!
> Suddenly a little boy with blonde hair and light blue eyes
> came running into the room and said,
VIPER <little boy>: JOTEBTODLY!
ALAIR: What the hell does that MEAN, anyway?
VIPER: Never question the meaning of JOTEBTODLY, for it is above your puny powers of comprehension.
ALAIR: ...or insanity.
> in a voice that was neither high
> nor low pitched,
ALAIR: Apparently, the voice was just right.
SHERL: So Goldilocks took it.
> "Hello, I don't want to be rude or ignorant but, who
> are you?"
BRANDT <Shade>: Who the fuck are you?
[*CRASH!*]
LANCE <over intercom>: For the last time, leave the Fourth Wall *ALONE*!
[OR]
BRANDT <narrator>: Who ARE they? The answer to this question and many others will have to wait until the next episode of ADAM ASSKICKER: THE INANE ADVENTURES.
[OR]
BRANDT: I don't want him to be rude or ignorant either. It's a little late though, considering how he just stormed into a stranger's house and demanded introductions from people in their underwear.
[OR]
BRANDT <Adam>: I am that which is Ego. I am that which breathes arrogance as air. You can call me Adam.
{My only regret is that I couldn't do a better job with it. -Pen}
[Brandt can say "fuck"? -Sherlock]
[The worst he can manage is 'darn'. Could just give it to Thief, assuming we keep something this injoke-y. -Chimera]
> and the boy replied,
> "well, welcome to my domain" he then flashed an evil smile
VIPER <Master Betty>: Hmmm, yes, I am evil. I am so very very evil.
[OR]
SHERL <Stewie>: ...now DIE!! [laser beam sounds]
MAX <horrified>: Christ on a unicycle, it's Adam's inner child.
> which
> vanished without a trace,
ONIKO: I never got into that show. I was always more of a CSI person.
BRANDT <Boy>: Oh great. Once again I have no mouth, and I must scream.
> and his face was almost innocent yet,
> devilish at the same time,
SHERL: Justin Timberlake?!
BRANDT <praying>: Don't let it be Hellmaster Phibrizzo. Don't let it be Hellmaster Phibrizzo.
THIEF <praying>: Or at least if it is, put him in something skimpy. Or at least if it is, put him in something skimpy.
[ALL blink.]
> just then Sonja looked into the room and
> introduced herself to the guests and then left smiling to herself,
ALAIR <Sonja>: Well, that's done. Where's my paycheck!?
> Washu asked the boy where his father was,
VIPER <Washu>: Who's your daddy and what does he do?
THIEF <Boy>: Which half? I got some of him frozen if you're interested.
[Isn't it "who is" or "who's", not "whose"? -Sherlock]
[Yes. -Chimera]
> "I don't know who is or
> where he is" was the reply, "do you know were Adam is?" "who's Adam?"
THIEF: My bitch.
ONIKO: The only guy who can take Alpha 1 through time to defeat the Harvesters!
MAX: The angel which caused the Second Impact.
SHERL: Leader of Them and apparently, the Anti-Christ.
ALAIR: The idiot who wrote these hideous fics.
BRANDT: The first man created by-
LANCE <over intercom>: Stuff the preachy crap.
> "the man that owns this house" "I don't know of a man named Adam, but
> this is my house
ALL but BRANDT <Eddie Murphy>: -get the fuck out!
BRANDT <Eddie Murphy>: -get the fudge out!
> and I remember that you were sneaking around this
> morning,
ONIKO <kid>: -which means that YOU'RE the one who's been stealing all the underpants off the lines!
> miss Washu, I mean little Washu" Washu smiled at this, "well
> I was looking for Ryoko and here she is" said Washu,
SHERL <Washu>: I just needed to use her hair to chip these ice cubes out of the tray. [chipchipchip] Okay, done. See ya!
> "you know the
> man you say owns the house, do you think he's cute and do you want to
> get him in bed?" "yes, I do" replyed Washu
ALAIR: My God. Even her completely wrong characterization in this piece of crap is inconsistent. She's been denying that wildly the whole time!
MAX: ...she's in a child form. If we're not going by the OAV continuity, and Kiyone and Minagi don't exist in that, then it's the only form she has.
{Actually, didn't Washu also have an adult form in the OAVs? Around episode 7 or 8 I think... -Mark Poa}
[If memory serves, she does have an adult form in the OAVs, and Kiyone's existence is hinted at, if only in the Mihoshi special. Minagi is from the comic books, I think, although I haven't watched all the TV series, so I can't say about them. -Cosmos]
> "well its time for me to
> go again, bye", and with that he ran off again, "that was one cute
> boy, I wonder who he was?"
MAX: ...she's got to be the dumbest person in the fic if she couldn't figure out that was Adam.
ALAIR: I'm not saying he's not but the kid also said "Who's Adam?"
MAX: He's trying to be deep and metaphysical.
ONIKO: And he doesn't know his ass from his elbow.
MAX: That too.
> "I always thought that I was an ugly
> child" said Adam walking into the room, smiling. "bastard" "no, the
> names Adam"
ALL <monotone>: Same thing.
> "how many episodes left?" asked Ryoko
VIPER: Wow. Even the characters want to know when this'll be over.
ONIKO: Hey! How come *she* gets to break the fourth wall?
> well that was
> episode 10, so 3 more and then the video picture book and then the
> Mihoshi special are left"
MAX: I gotta watch again that when-
THIEF: -if.
[Beat.]
MAX <ignoring THIEF>: -when I get home. I'd like to see some GOOD stupidity for a change here.
> replied Adam, "well we can watch them back
> at Tenchi's" said Ryoko,
BRANDT <Ryoko>: -he could use some more mental scarring.
> handing Adam an empty plate, "not untill
> little Washu has finished hers"
ALAIR: Wouldn't this be somewhat like watching surveillance tapes of yourself?
THIEF: Yeah, and all the good shit is cut out of it, too. Where's the fun in that?
> he said grining, as Washu sighed.
> Adam then went over to one of the shelfs and took off the 4 pretty
THIEF: -lampshades that he had crafted from the last beautiful anime women he'd brought home.
[OR]
THIEF <softly>: -lampshades that he had crafted from his parents and little sisters. For a moment, the fantasy of Ryoko and Washu being real and being in his house wavered, as a spark of real humanity, real guilt washed through a soul that had long been devoid of both. But he concentrated and those Bad thoughts went away again, shoving them back into the Box where they belonged.
MAX <horrified>: Dear Lord!
THIEF <laughing>: I know, isn't it funny? Here, wait, I've got a better one-
[THIEF is flattened by a theater seat torn from its moorings by five other pissed riffers.]
[Maybe I shouldn't read up on my serial killers before riffing? -Chimera]
> sammy tapes and put them in a ruck sack along with a laptop,
VIPER: Say, is that BEAST?
> a miniture set of mechanical looking monster toys,
THIEF: That is to say, dildos.
[OR]
THIEF: That is to say, dildos. I wonder if he's got the Jackhammer Jesus?
> and several books.
> "What are those for?" asked Washu handing Adam an empty plate, "the
> figures are giant mechanical monsters
THIEF: That is to say, dildos which Ryoko would like. I wonder if he's got the Black Thunder?
> that I command when I make them
> change back to normal size,
MAX <to ALAIR>: What do you bet those are toys the real Adam has on his shelf at home and wishes would come to life for him?
ALAIR: The gum stuck to the bottom of my seat.
> the videos are for Samai to watch,
MAX: ...Samai?
> the
> books are for Minagi,
ALAIR: Not to be confused with Minagai, who's staying with the gang for the weekend.
> the laptops for me
SHERL: Why does he need so many?
> and I am going to write a
> fanfiction about my 'adventures' with you guys"
VIPER: Hey, it's meta-meta-meta-meta-meta-meta-meta-meta-meta-
[ONIKO smacks VIPER upside the head.]
VIPER: -meta-fiction.
ALAIR <Ryoko>: 'Adventures'. Those would be the things where all of us disappear or are captured after a paragraph or two, right?
MAX: Y'know Lance, it seems kind of patronizing to complain about us breaking the wall when the fic itself is doing half the breaking for us.
SHERL: Wait, if he were actually there, wouldn't he be writing his memoirs?
ONIKO: DON'T GIVE HIM ANY IDEAS!!
> adam said as he
> packed volumes 6 & 7 as well as the Mihoshi special, "all set?" the
> two girls
BRANDT <Washu>, SHERL <Ryoko>: Yes, Master. We apologize for asking questions of you and are once more your obedient servants.
> nodded as Adam opened a portal to Tenchi's house.
ONIKO: Several hundred feet over it, in fact.
>
> When they got back they found the usual secne, Ayeka being busy doing
> something,
MAX <narrator>: -but she's not important, so I won't describe what she's doing.
ALAIR: Poor Ayeka doesn't even get generic text, anymore.
VIPER: She reeks of genericness!
ONIKO: She's full of genericitude!
VIPER: Yeah, she is!
> Mihoshi fast asleep in front of the tv, Sasami in the
> kitchen, Tenchi outside sweeping and Minagai reading a book by the
> water,
BRANDT <Minagi>: Get that broom out of my face! I'm trying to read here!
> "well, not what I was expecting, but nice all the same" said
> Adam putting down his bag,
THIEF: While still standing up? [snorts] Don't even try to pretend that your balls are as big as Maddox's.
> removing the contents and handing the
> videos of pretty sammy to Sasami,
ALAIR <Sasami, embarrassed>: Look, I was young and I needed the money...
> he left the Mihoshi special by
> Mihoshi,
ONIKO <Mihoshi>: This is what I get for selling my home videos on eBay.
> and gave Minagi the books
BRANDT <Adam>: Well, I've casually shattered their understanding of the universe and completely unbalanced every preconception they have of the nature of reality, leaving them drowning in an ocean of uncertainty. Think I'll catch a nap.
> and he sat outside, inserted a
> floppy
[THIEF opens his mouth. The others glare at him. He shuts up and smirks.]
> disk into the laptop and started to type...
SHERL <reading screen>: No... food... and no... sleep... make Adam go... uh oh.
ONIKO <Adam, typing>: Delete usr, delete sys, shutdown. Wait, undo! Undo!
>
> The end (for now)
>
> <>means the artists/writers name or my opinion
THIEF: [nods] Ignore stuff between the <>. Got it.
ALAIR: May want to ignore all the stuff after the > too.
>
> Disclaimer:
ONIKO: Do not take internally. Do not take seriously. This fic is, in short, stone nasty and should be avoid at all costs.
['Stone' nasty? Is this a Brit or Aussie thing or what? -Chimera]
>
> I used many trademarked things without permission but all in the aid
> of self-insertion and cross overs.
BRANDT: Oh, well, that just makes it all okay.
> Don' sue me as I'm english and
> perminantly broke.
MAX: And we ALL know how the two of them are related.
> also the guy (or gal, I'm not sexist, just
> obsessed with sex) who came up with the night hawk wings in a
> Castlevania/Tenchi cross over,
THIEF: Actually, it WOULD be cool if Ryoko slew Dracula and inherited his power and such.
MAX: BLASPHEMER!
ALAIR <musing>: If her hair got frizzier like in 'Aria of Sorrow', how would she get through doors? Course, she could just phase through the walls...
> I'm sorry if you don't like the fact I
> used the idea, and your fanfic was the dogs bollocks.
[ONIKO and VIPER run to opposite sides of the theater, put on camouflage helmets and pull out field radios.]
ONIKO <Adam>: This is Pot. Repeat: This is Pot. Come in, Kettle. Over.
VIPER <other author>: This is Kettle. Over.
ONIKO <Adam>: Prepare for incoming message, Kettle. Repeat: Prepare for incoming message. Over.
VIPER <other author>: We are ready, Pot. Repeat: We are ready. Transmit message now.
ONIKO <Adam>: You are black. Repeat: YOU ARE BLACK. Over.
VIPER <other author>: Understood, Pot. Over and out.
[ONIKO and VIPER sit back down.]
ALAIR: People who live in radioactive glass houses, covered in dung, circled over by vultures, ravaged by giant sex-crazed mutant frogs with attitudes...
SHERL: Yes?
ALAIR: Should probably move.
>
> Any questions/comments/spelling mistakes then e-mail me at:
>
> asskicker@richmond17.freeserve.co.uk
VIPER: So... he wants us to ask him questions, he wants us to give him comments, and... he wants us to give him spelling mistakes?
ALAIR: That explains a lot.
ONIKO: He's from the UK? DarkHorse better be careful.
[A tank shell hits ONIKO and he explodes into several Rupert Bear plushies.]
[Unless Shade's got the tank from the last ep, I'd change this attack to something a little more creative. -Chimera]
[Well, as soon as we know what kind of theater they're in... Shade... hint... hint... subtle hint. -Cosmos]
>
> I will continue with the fanfics and my grammer and spelling with
> improve as I go, but only if you give me <cash> support,
MAX: Like hell! You should pay *us* just for reading this!
> and also if you want a cameo
ONIKO <singing>: Come on baby, tell me what's the word...
> (good or evil, please state) then e-mail me
BRANDT: Given that if I made an 'evil' cameo in the fanfic, Adam would kill me in a laughable manner, could somebody tell me the attraction to this option?
ALAIR: Well, I understand there's this group of people called 'masochists'...
>
> The revenge of the Zianoids
> By
BRANDT: -Satan himself.
> Adam 'Asskicker' Richmond
BRANDT: Er, yeah, that's what I meant. Sorry, slip of the tongue.
MAX: Does anyone else pity the residents of the city of Richmond?
>
> Chapter 1: the battle
SHERL: Not when Adam is around.
>
> It had been a full 3 three
VIPER: THREE!
ONIKO: COUNTO THREE!
> days since Kagato was killed,
MAX: -again.
ALAIR: Maybe he's related to Geese Howard too?
> Adam had
> visited some friends,
THIEF <icily>: Oh? Name these 'friends'. C'mon, I'm waiting.
> taking Tenchi for the trip,
ALAIR: -and leaving him in the woods.
> which lasted
> roughly a day and a half, "I'm glad that your back alright"
[For a moment, the sounds of COSMOS and S.D. RYUKAGE growling irritably can be heard coming from somewhere.]
[Damn, there's been a lot of abuse to the fourth wall this story. :) -Cosmos]
> "well
ONIKO <Adam>: -that doctor was amazing! He gave me what he gave JFK for his back problems.
> naturally, Tenchi was with me" "that was what I was worried about" said Ryoko,
MAX: ...is she worried about Adam putting the moves on Tenchi, or what?
THIEF: His Aura of Smooth is like a shotgun, Max, it's not exactly a precision weapon.
ONIKO: And what's YOUR Aura of Smooth like?
THIEF: Baby, I am seducing every fuckable man and woman within a dozen dimensions AS WE SPEAK.
ONIKO: ...I really, really gotta get into that Bishounen Guild.
> It had been a long day and a half without the two loves of her life.
THIEF: Do I smell a menange a trois?
[ONIKO sniffs.]
ONIKO: More like a menange a cinq... et une moitie...
[Or... maybe the attributions should be switched.]
[Sure. Also, the 'sniffs' line can be compressed into the speech line. -Chimera]
> "I finished another one of those books, Adam, got
> anymore?" asked Minagi handing Adam a book called
ALAIR: -'Coping with Middle-Aged Lecherousness'.
[OR]
ALAIR -'Embarrassing Father Syndrome And You'.
> 'nightmares and
> dreamscapes' <Stephen King/Richard Bachman>
ALAIR: Why bother using both? He didn't write that one using his pseudonym.
MAX: Well... in Adam's little world, he did.
> "at this rate you'll of
> read my entire collection" said Adam opening a small portal and
> putting the book through,
ONIKO: Meanwhile, in the fifth dimension, Mr. Mxyzlptlk is screaming "Stop throwing your trash in my house, you assholes!"
[Corrected the name. You see, it pays to research. -Sherlock]
> "hey, Adam have you got them triple triad
> cards?" asked Sasami focusing her big pink eyes on him,
ONIKO <Adam>: Hey Sasami, you okay?
VIPER <Sasami>: [pointing to his eye] PIIIINK EEEEYE!
[VIPER jumps on ONIKO and bites onto his head]
> "maybe I do, Maybe I don't,
[Several people roll their eyes, and in one case raise their hands, in annoyance.]
> why?" "Because I wanna play of course!" "Ok, wait a
> minute, (reaching in to his pocket) there they are, what rules should
> we play by?"
THIEF: I suggest you play 'Dismemberment' rules. Each lost hand means a lost hand. [giggles]
ALAIR: So who would actually WIN such a game?
THIEF: US, duh.
> "Open, elemental, plus and combo" "ok then, prepare to
> lose, princess" "Ha! You'll lose and no mind reading"
SHERL <Mentok>: That's mind *taking*.
> "me? How dare you insinuate such a thing" "that's what you did last time!"
MAX: ...and Adam shows us how low he can sink, cheating at cards with a little girl.
SHERL: The poor guy can't even bear to lose here.
> "Ok, no cheating, If I cheat may I be struck with lightning" unknown to Adam,
VIPER: Raiden was standing behind him. And he brought friends.
BRANDT: Let's see, there's Chrono, Sailor Jupiter, Ramuh... how'd they get Summoned Skull and Ixion to fit in there?
ONIKO: Hey, it looks like Jake got away from the TIMECOPS.
{Hey, at least I made the shameless reference easy to remove. ^_^ -Pen}
> Washu was pointing a lightning generater at Adam, from behind the sofa.
ALAIR: Don't you mean a Tesla coil?
THIEF: Of course, that'd mean that she's been associating with COMMIES. But then, I should've known... her hair's as red as the heart of Stalin!
VIPER: Uh, but everybody's heart is red, from the blood-
THIEF: TRAITOR!
[With an enraged roar, THIEF hurls VIPER up through the glass into the projection booth. VIPER blinks up at LANCE and sidekicks.]
VIPER <stunned>: Uh, hi guys. Mind if I just sit here a sec and recover-
LANCE <coldly>: We don't tolerate your kind 'round here, Hammer and Sickle Boy.
[VIPER is launched screaming back out the projection booth and lands back in THIEF's arms, covered in shards of broken glass.]
THIEF: YOU AGAIN!
[THIEF hurls VIPER through the glass into the projection booth...]
SHERL: This may take a while.
> "Ha! I won again" "you're getting good" Adam said pulling a
> card out of his pocket and adding it to his hand, "ow! What the hell"
> he said as lightning hit him,
[THIEF switches personalities with BRANDT, who turns away, leaving VIPER to splatter into the screen face-first.]
BRANDT <Adam>: I have GOT to stop eating those Queticoatl feathers.
[I'm sure that's misspelled, I'll fix it later on. -Chimera]
> "you're cheating!" "What? I changed a
> card for an unbent one" "a better one you mean," said Washu pointing
> the lightning generater at Adam.
THIEF <Washu>: I know what you're thinking. Did she fire 800,000 volts, or only 750,000 volts? Well, I guess the question you gotta ask yourself is... do you feel lucky, punk?
> "Ok, 'I'll play fair and you all can
> watch me" and with that Adam was on a winning streak,
[Someone throws a drink at the screen.]
VIPER: So he stops cheating and still wins? I don't know-
[The theater-goers are drenched in green slime.]
> when suddenly the house was shook by a huge explosion,
MAX <Adam>: Hey! I wasn't even being awkwardly silent that time!
> "come out with your hands
> behind your head.
BRANDT <voice>: -and throw down your weapons! Or you could come out, throw down your weapons, and put your hands behind your head. Or you could throw down your weapons, put your hands behind your head, and come out. But don't come out, put your hands behind your head, and throw down your weapons, you'd just hurt yourself- uh, look, just wing it, okay?
[OR]
BRANDT <voice>: -and throw down your weapons! Or you could come out, throw down your weapons, and put your hands behind your head. Or you could throw down your weapons, put your hands behind your head, and come out. But don't come out, put your hands behind your head, and throw down your weapons, you'd just hurt yourself- hold on, we've got some very nice catalogues detailing your choices that you can look through...
> This is your only warning or else we will destroy
> the house, you have the count of 100, then we open fire again, so
> come out Adam." "What the hell?!"
ONIKO <confused>: Where'd all the commas go?!?
[This presumably should be attributed to Adam. -Chimera]
> Adam got up and left the house as
> the voice boomed out "1, 2 miss a few, 99 100, times up!" "What the
> hell's going on?" asked Adam as he saw approximately 100 zianoids all
ALAIR: So, uh... what IS a Zianoid?
MAX: Nameless heavies from Guyver. They're people what transform into big anthro warriors.
ALAIR: And these are meant to be a threat to the guy who single-handedly wiped out Dracula's endless army of the undead?
MAX: Well, see, Adam's what we call, uh, a 'dumbass'.
[OR]
MAX: Adam's been watching so much Dragonball Z that his sense of scale is pretty much broken.
[I don't suppose it really matters, but does anyone know what the heck a Zianoid is? -A]
[<post deleted out of length and wrongness> -Sherlock]
[They're the nameless grunts from Guyver. Basically they're people that transform into bigger human/animal hybrids. Kind of like Bebop and Rocksteady, but uglier- Lainer]
> aiming for him, "well, I'm sure your still gonna miss" said Adam
ALAIR: They're going to miss a house?
BRANDT: Well, it's got the narrow side turned towards them, so I could kinda see it...
> as
VIPER <Singing>: -I walk through the valley in the shadow of death-
THIEF <singing>: -I shall fear no evil, because I am the MEANEST MOTHER IN THE VALLEY...
> he leapt in to the air to land a flying kick to the leader of the
> zianoids, and as they all piled on him in an effort to crush him,
MAX: Oh, now they're just taking scenes wholesale from the Matrix Reloaded!
BRANDT: Actually, I think this was written before that movie came out.
SHERL: So the Wachowskis could have been inspired by this 'fic?
[All ponder that thought for a moment, then shudder.]
[OR, a touch more subtle...]
[ALL but BRANDT start humming Juno Reactor's 'Burly Brawl'.]
BRANDT: Er, actually, I think this was written before that movie came out.
SHERL: So the Wachowskis could have been inspired by this 'fic?
[All ponder that thought for a moment, then shudder.]
> his hat flew off,
BRANDT: -and that's when he got mad.
ALAIR <Woce Bane>: To the Bat-Burrow!
> through a gap the zianoids left and there was the
> muffled shout of 'Guyver'
BRANDT <musing>: True, only the glory of MacGuyver could save us from Adam.
MAX <MacGuyver>: Get me a flattened empty paper towel roll, a pink balloon twisted into an animal - make sure it's a duckie, the second DVD from 'Xenosaga' with exactly three scratches on it, a novelty orange lightbulb, and the complete roster of the Boston Red Sox at the midpoint of the 1987 season.
OTHERS <cast of Tenchi Muyo>: Huzzah! He's gone! Thanks, Mac!
MAX <MacGuyver>: Don't thank me, folks! Thank the gravitational pull of Saturn!
BRANDT <Tenchi>: [clasping his hands, starry-eyed] My hero.
> and suddenly where all the zianoids had
> piled on, there was a round indentation on the ground in which stood,
> Adam in his bio-booster amour,
VIPER: What, no OTT transforming sequence?
BRANDT: Actually that's probably a good thing.
> and looking around he saw that there
> was only a few zianoids standing there in shock and Adam stood there
> and said, "are we gonna fight or play stuck in the mud?"
[Collective blink.]
SHERL <zianoid>: Um, the mud... thing?
> and with
> that the zianoids snapped out of it and started to attack. The battle
> was short
MAX: So short, in fact, that it didn't warrant any sort of description whatsoever.
VIPER: You just need to use the infinite power of your *imagination!*
> and resulted in the remaining zianoids dissolving with Adam
ALL: Yay!
> standing there in a pose,
ALL: Damn!
> "well done, I see you have a bio-booster
> armour, but it is inferior to mine!"
SHERL: Famous last words, unfortunately. [undertoned grumbling]
> Adam turned to see a huge
> zianiod standing there, shortly after the zianiod spoke again, "now
> we shall see whose is more powerful, bio-morph"
VIPER <badly dubbed>: Now, You shall see that I am stronger!
ONIKO <badly dubbed>: I think not! Ha!
> and with that the
> zianiod was covered in Guyver armour. "Sho, Agito, I need some help"
> was the message Adam set to Agito and Sho
ONIKO <puzzled>: I'm not sure I'm clear on this. Who did he send it to? Could we get some subtitles here to help us out?
BRANDT: I love it when the fic doesn't make me think for myself.
> through the telepathic link
> that the Guyvers have. "Its no good the other two Guyvers
THIEF: -are having messy anal sex.
MAX: AAH! GET THE IMAGE OUT OF MY HEAD!
THIEF: Sho's sleek bio-morphic armored hips trembling as he thrust again into Agito, savoring that tight bio-morphic-
MAX: AAAAUUUGHH!
THIEF: Hehehe.
> are busy
> with the same problem as you faced,
ALAIR: -they couldn't write a good fight scene to save their lives?
SHERL: Sorry, the number you have reached is unavailable, please try later.
[The three toned beeps play over the intercom.]
[I should start paying careful attention so I can find the guy who doesn't understand what format you use when you continue sentences in the fic. So I can kill that person. A lot. -Chimera]
> now its time to die", Adam and
> the creature fought, and neither had the upper hand, Adam had the
> speed and the power, but the creature had the skill and tactics.
BRANDT: It was at this point that Adam wished he'd distributed his attribute points more evenly.
ONIKO: Yeah, but you have to remember, jack of all trades, master of none.
VIPER: Speed and power versus skill and tactics... [scowling] people, we have a Cable versus Dan match here.
ALAIR <darkly>: Which Cable is going to win.
[All mutter irritably.]
> "The fun has just begun!" said the creature opening his mega smasher,
> while Adam stood there and opened his,
THIEF: Whoa. Does the bio-morph armor make you incredibly horny or something? First Sho and Agito, now these two...
MAX: AAAGHH!
> as he opened his mega smasher
> his shoulders opened to reveal more mega smashers,
THIEF: [eyes going wide] Ooooh! It's almost like the double-clitfuck in La Blue Girl!
MAX: GAAH! STOP IT!
> and his waist on
> either side of his gravity weapon opened to reveal more mega
> smashers,
ONIKO <screaming>: THE MEGA SMASHERS!! NOW THE MEGA SMASHERS ARE GNAWING AT MY BRAIN!!
ALAIR <to OTHERS>: Is there something wrong with him?
THIEF: Yes.
[OR, more fun for THIEF...]
THIEF: Pfft. Duuuh.
[OR, again...]
THIEF: Pfft. Duuuh.
ALAIR: I meant you.
[My second favorite part of the fic. So bloody goofy. -Chimera]
> "what that's impossible!?!"
MAX: This 'fic is all about the impossible. It's one big long supreme bullshit maneuver.
BRANDT: It's like someone played a game of SenZar and said, "hey, the characters in this are way too weak."
SHERL: I honestly wouldn't be surprised if Adam was part VoidSpawn.
> and they both fired at the same
> time but Adam's mega smasher continued through and totally vaporised
> the creature.
ONIKO <surfer>: Like, he totally vaporised that scary dude. Totally.
[OR]
BRANDT <singing>: Bang, bang, Adam's Mega Smasher came down upon his head, doot-dee doo-doo...
> Steam blew out of both sides of his helmet while all
> the mega smashers closed themselves,
THIEF: After just one firing? Pansy.
> Adam then retracted the armour
> and his hat flew back to his hand
SHERL <Adam>: Hat of Omens, come to my hand!
MAX: Then he did a moonwalk, right?
[I believe it's "come to my hand." -Sherlock]
> and putting it on he turned to
> Tenchi's house and resumed his game with Sasami.
ALAIR: -not even bothering to find out if Sho and Agito needed help.
BRANDT: Since this universe revolves around Adam, I'm sure they simply cease to exist when his attention isn't focused on them anyway.
This message has been edited by t.ogre from IP address 143.166.255.18 on Nov 26, 2003 10:45 PM This message has been edited by t.ogre from IP address 143.166.255.18 on Nov 26, 2003 10:36 PM
Posted on Nov 26, 2003, 10:36 PM from IP address 143.166.255.18