You won't shut up, just babbling on and on...</Faster Pussycat>
by t.ogre
> The meeting of a new friend!
-->MAX: If I see Barney pop up here, I'm killing something.
-->[OR]
FIXED-->THIEF: [grins like a razored sickle, templing his fingers] A very special friend, named Death. Time to get acquainted...
ONIKO: Jesus, pace yourself, you've got to keep up that energy through the whole fic!
[OR]
-->[ALL look at SHERL]
-->SHERL: Shut up.
[While Sherl IS a new friend, none of these people were around to meet all the OTHER new riffers in ep 104, so he's not uniquely new to them. Okay, Brandt was around, but he was submerged into the Thief personality. -Chimera]
> by A. Richmond
ONIKO: Just your standard Richmond, indistinguishable from all the other Richmonds...
>
> It was a nice clear sunny day around the Masaki home, when there
> was suddenly an electric storm.
-->MAX: Because as we all know, electric storms are inclined to occur during clear sunny days. Damnit.
-->ALAIR: Well, when you consider who's living there...
BRANDT <singing>: Lightning's striking agaiiin-
VIPER <singing>: THUN-DAH-STRUCK! YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, THUN-DAH-STRUCK!
> From which a tall, well bulit man
-->BRANDT: A tall, well bulit man?
-->[OR]
SHERL: Experts and random crazy people agree that a new race of bulits will fall from the skies and kill us all!
ALAIR: Its just a typo. Ignore it.
MAX: But a typo for what?
ONIKO: Bullet?
VIPER: Bobbit?
SHERL: A tall, well bobbitized man?
[Pause.]
ALAIR: Never mind.
> fell with a sickening crunch.
VIPER <Man>: ... I think I fell on my keys.
ONIKO: Man, if I had a nickel for every time that happened in a crappy fanfic.
BRANDT <singing>: It's raining men! Hallelujah, it's raining men! Amen!
[ALL stare at BRANDT.]
> Soon a shadow fell upon him.
ONIKO: Great, Mr. Dark is stealing the Great Protoon, again.
SHERL: It fell with more of a pleasantly smelling crunch.
VIPER: It's Zato-1!
ALAIR <Shadow>: Interceptor! Get him!
MAX <Shadow>: Chaos Control!
ALAIR <to MAX>: Who are you imitating?
MAX <to ALAIR>: Shadow. Who are you imitating?
ALAIR: Shadow.
MAX: Oh.
BOTH: No you're not!
> So the tale begins!
==>ALL <dull>: Yayyyyyyy.
ALAIR: Now is the beginning of a fantastic story! Journey with us to the cave of monsters!
VIPER <Singing>: City dweller, successful feller, thought to himself, oops I've got a lot of money...
ONIKO: Transcending History and the World, a Tale of Soul and Swords, Eternally Retold...
>
> chapter 1: hi there!
ONIKO: hi! how've you been?
VIPER <Abe>: Follow me.
ONIKO: Okay.
[VIPER and ONIKO get out of their seats and tiptoe around the theater.]
>
> The first person to discover the stranger, was by Mihoshi,
-->ALAIR: So... the person who discovered the stranger was standing by Mihoshi then?
-->[OR]
ALAIR: Unbeknownst to everyone, Mihoshi is a mad genius who spends her free time building people from parts dug up in graveyards. This... was one of them.
VIPER: He or she shall, for the duration of the fic, be referred to as Mel.
ONIKO: Probably a she... What guy would call himself MEL?!
[Everyone else stares at ONIKO, BRANDT quite angrily]
ONIKO: ...what?
> whose
> reaction was a scream when she tripped over him, oblivous the fact
> that he was lying in plain sight.
-->SHERL: Mihoshi herself, not far away, was relatively unfazed.
MAX: Must've been following a butterfly.
FIXED-->THIEF: Oh, so Mel is a 'he'? Now I know which tools to bring.
ALIAR: [wide-eyed] Tools...?
ONIKO: Don't ask. Trust me.
> Tenchi came to see what the
> comotion was and was shocked to find Mihoshi sprawled on the floor
THIEF: -with a camera, a jar of lube, and a large bottle of sake stuck in her-
[MAX grabs THIEF's head with his clamp and throws him up into the air. THIEF lands several rows back.]
-->[AND, to that last action]
SHERL <to MAX>: Damn. I wanted to freeze his head first. Impulsive...
==>ONIKO: And in the Toonami version, it'd be "tea," but that's not the point right now.
> next to some guy lying in an awkward position that signaled bad
> injurys.
THIEF <from back row>: Must have been pretty rough- [MAX's clamp lands on his head.]
ALAIR <Washu>: I keep telling them that the robo-Mihoshi's soft skin is just a cover for the sharp, jagged metal parts under the surface.
-->SHERL: The fact that he had his head up his arse was a dead giveaway.
BRANDT <Guy>: Mad Gears... coming... escape while... you can...
ONIKO: But were his injuries bad enough to save the President?
> "What the hell is going on, now?" came Ryoko's voice, before
> Tenchi had a second thought.
MAX: Of course, this being Tenchi that can take awhile.
ONIKO: In Tenchi's defense, how well would YOU think around all those hot chicks who all want to jump your bones?
MAX: ...good point.
-->VIPER: It would be unnecessary.
> "My, my, who's this?" enquired Ryoko
> with some surprise, "and should he be lying like that?"
-->SHERL: Of course he should. He worked for the Clintons.
-->[OR]
ALAIR <Tenchi>: Technically, the British are lying, if anyone. He's just repeating their intelligence without confirmation from the CIA.
VIPER: Should we be talking about that when we're trying to KEEP from killing ourselves?
>
> The stranger was wearing a plain black baseball cap pulled down so
> that his face didn't show above his jaw,
ALAIR: Clark Steel?
-->[AND/OR]
SHERL: Jigen?
-->[Is that right? The name of that guy from Lupin III?]
BRANDT: He's trying to hide his tiny eyes and large mouth so he can pass as 'one of them'.
VIPER: That's an awfully big hat, though. I mean, he'd have to cut eyeholes to see where he's going.
BRANDT: Nah, once his head starts swelling, it'll fit just fine.
[Originally this said 'naw', but Brandt's accent isn't THAT thick... -Chimera]
> a baggy shirt with a double
> shoulder holster which contained two fully automatic 9 mm Uzis'.
ONIKO: Mary Sue alert.
BRANDT: Given that you can't fit Uzis into shoulder holsters? Yes.
SHERL: <singing> He's an Uzi lover!
-->ALAIR: I seem to recall that private citizens owning full-auto weaponry is... oh, what's the word...
-->MAX: Illegal?
-->ALAIR: Yes, thank you.
VIPER: So he's Swiss?
[Um... not sure what the Swiss thing has to do with anything. -Chimera]
> A
> pair of baggy black jeans on which hung a mobile phone,
VIPER: Gasp! He must be a drug dealer!
-->SHERL: Or a gangsta!
> strapped to
> his right leg is what looked like a shotgun but it had almost no
> stock or barrel,
VIPER: ...and a noticeable lack of lock and smoke, too.
-->ALAIR: So it's what, six inches long?
-->SHERL: And it's a deadly weapon for all of *five feet.*
MAX: Sawed-off's illegal too, I think.
ONIKO: Oh, pshaw. He's far too l33t to be arrested on minor stuff like illegal firearms.
BRANDT: Yeah, but he'll still regret it when Boulder comes to take it back.
MOVED-->SHERL <singing>: Old Adam had come... equipped with a gun...
-->[Could someone with firearms tell me if a riff is appropriate here? The lack of a stock or barrel seems ridiculous to me - GEN]
-->[If that doesn't work well with just "gun" you can make it "shotgun" or something along those lines. -Sherlock]
[Obviously if we cut the Uzi=illegal thing above, we need to cut the 'too' out of Max's line. -Chimera]
> he was wearing a strange looking watch with lots of
> strange looking coloured balls on the strap
BRANDT: ...which he'd gotten from the inside of a cereal box along with his Buzz Lightyear secret decoder ring.
> and in his hands he had a
> small metalic object and a ninja sword with the kanji for 'elemental
> bakemono nihonto' ( elemental monster sword) etched on the hilt.
-->MAX: So let's see. He as two Uzis in a shoulder holster, a shotgun with *almost* no stock & barrel, and a "ninja sword?"
-->VIPER: Yep.
ALAIR: Even when he's unconscious, he acts like a Mary Sue.
BRANDT: Is it an elemental sword made by monsters, a sword from elemental monsters, or a monster's sword from an elemental?
VIPER <Karsh>: Yes.
-->MAX: Maybe a bit from part A, a bit from part B, and a dollop of part C?
ONIKO: I'm thinkin' it should've been "uguna yanki nihontou." [He grins.] Not that I'm one to talk, though...
BRANDT <helpfully>: You mean "kouseitan'i kaijuu nihontou"?
MAX: NEVER! CORRECT! SHINJI! ASSHOLE! [smacks BRANDT]
ONIKO: The hell?
-->[It should be something like, "kouseitan'i kaijuu nihontou"... I think. He's saying "stupid white- boy/Yankee sword," for the record.]
> At
> his waist hung two beautfully crafted knives with hanldes decorated
> with snakes which were in the scabbards for them which were decorated
> with black widow spiders,
-->MAX: *And* he's got two custom-made knives with custom-designed *scabbards.*
ALAIR: Actually, that's not a decoration.
VIPER <stranger>: Get them off! Get them off!
SHERL: Don't forget the metallic object. Odds are that'll be deadlier than anything else he's carrying.
> and on the back of his jeans hung a combat
> knife and to complement his outfit he wore a black pair of boots
> which where tall enough to hide a throwing knife in each.
-->MAX: *And* he's every other ShadowRun Street Samurai ever created.
-->[the only?]
SHERL: Unwelcoming apparel and loaded to the teeth with weapons. Sounds like another beautiful day on the streets of LA.
BRANDT: Really guys, I'm from LA, and it's not-
VIPER: HE'S FROM LOS ANGELES!?
[ALL hide behind the seats.]
BRANDT: Not this again...
[Just like a Street Sam, bringin' a knife to a Jurei lightsaber fight. -Chimera]
>
> Ryoko stood there, and decided to state the obvious "he certinly
> likes black doesn't he?",
BRANDT: -and he'll never go back.
ALAIR <Lance Hendrickson>: Actually, this is my happy outfit. I'm wearing grey underpants.
VIPER: And if you'd open up his chest you'd find a black heart.
-->MAX: And that red door he's got with him, that's black too.
-->[OR, rewording Max's line...]
MAX: And that red door with him he wants painted black, too.
BRANDT: And his true love's hair is black.
==>SHERL: And he pees oil, too.
> everybody just ignored this comment which
> annoyed Ryoko.
ALAIR: And the Circle of Life is completed again, or something.
ONIKO <Ryoko>: Well if nobody's going to pay attention to me I'll just go and [starts taking off his shirt] strip naked and drink "tea".
[NONE pay attention to him.]
ONIKO: I SAID I'LL STRIP NAKED! AND DRINK "TEA"!
[ALL continue to blandly watch the screen as he takes off his pants.]
ONIKO: NAKED! VERY VERY NAKED! [pause] LOOK AT MEEEE!
LANCE <poking ONIKO with a cattleprod>: Sit back down, you freak.
[ONIKO sits and crosses his arms over his naked chest with a harrumpf.]
[Oniko reminds me of Bart Simpson suddenly. -Chimera]
> "Well hadn't we better try to see who this guy is and
> tend to his injurys?"came Washu's voice, scaring everyone half to
> death.
ALAIR <Ryoko>: Heal him? Have you finally gone insane?
MAX <Washu>: Huh? Wha....why wouldn't we...?
ONIKO <Tenchi>: Look at all that stuff! Can you imagine how much that's worth to a pawn shop? I'm honestly shocked that didn't occur to you.
-->[Pause. MAX taps his forehead a couple of times.]
-->[OR]
-->[Pause. MAX <Washu> taps his forehead a couple of times.]
FIXED-->MAX <Washu>: [tapping his forehead a couple of times] Oooh. Right. Right.
>
> chapter 2:
MAX: That was fast.
ALAIR: You mean page 2, right?
SHERL: No, he doesn't. He intended to add pictures.
> who are you?
ALAIR: I'm Alair, the atypical psychic corporate agent with a mysterious past.
VIPER: I'm Viper, the atypical cute mascot thing.
SHERL: I'm Batman.
==>MOVED-->BRANDT: I am the Terror that Flaps in the Night. I am the... [notices ONIKO glaring at him] ...guy with the foot in his mouth. Sorry.
==>[BATMAN?! What the hell? -Sherlock]
==>[OR]
BRANDT: I'm Brandt, the atypical anime/video game fanboy.
ONIKO: I'm Oniko, the atypical anime/video game fanboy.
MAX: I'm Max, the atypical anime/video... er...
>
> It was a full two days' to even get him to lie straight
BRANDT <guy>: I am a crook.
SHERL: No, no, no...
> without
> adding even more injurys,
ONIKO <Ryoko>: So I'll just straighten him out so he can lie comfortably- [*crunch*]
ALAIR <Washu>: Ryoko, that part isn't *supposed* to be straight. Would you mind pushing those jagged bits of bone back inside him?
ONIKO <Ryoko>: Oops, sorry. [*crunch* *crunch*]
> by now the only people who hadn't seen the
> stanger was Minagai, Kiyone and Sasami.
-->VIPER: But Mulder was there, frantically trying to get people to notice him before the next murders occurred. Too bad he was strapped to the bed at the time.
MAX: Well, that must've been a REALLY bad landing.
> Even Ayeka had quick look at
> the stranger was.
BRANDT: The stranger was what now?
MAX: And what's so 'even Ayeka' about that? She's a pushy snoop.
> Washu had noticed that his body seemed to be
> healing at an extremely rapid rate while he slept, almost like in the
> vampire tales like Dracula.
MAX: *And* he's a vampire.
-->BRANDT: I remember that part!
-->[VIPER jumps up from his seat and lies down on the floor with his arms crossed over his chest and eyes closed in front of the screen. ONIKO approaches with trepidation.]
-->ONIKO <Jonathon Harker>: His body seems to be healing at an extremely rapid rate as he sleeps!
-->VIPER <Dracula>: [Opens his eyes] Cool, ain't it? Oh! Hey, check this out!
-->[VIPER turns into a bat with an overdramatic puff of brimstone]
-->ONIKO <Jonathon Harker>: Ye gods man!
-->[They return to their seats, VIPER turning back to normal above his.]
-->VIPER: ... and I'm sticking to my seat now.
-->[OR]
MAX <Gabe>: I'm okay... my mutant healing power is kicking in.
SHERL <Tycho>: You don't have a mutant healing power.
MAX <Gabe>: Well... shit.
>
> At lunch Tenchi asked how the stranger was doing, washu's answer was:
-->THIEF <Washu>: Stranger? What stranger? Say, this is a nice stew, huh?
-->[OR]
THIEF <Washu, leering>: Oh, the stranger's fine. Well marbled with a rather piquant aftertaste. I mean, he's GOOD. Isn't he...?
NEW-->[ALAIR <Tenchi> mimes hurriedly throwing away a sandwich.]
VIPER: Great line from the show!
THIEF <confused>: What show?
> "he seems to be human but he heals at a rapid rate,
BRANDT: They give Mutant Healing Factors out in cereal boxes these days.
> I estimate that
> he will be awake with in three days at the least. I don't seem to be
> able to pry that hat out off of his head,
THIEF <Washu>: Thank God I just happened to have this bonesaw on me. Pity about the upholstery though...
> it's almost as if it's
> being held by some invisible force,"
VIPER: That or super glue, Washu. Which do you think?
ONIKO: He must get his hats at the same place as Raiden.
ALT-->ALAIR: Nah, this is the Terry Bogard Effect. If you really want it off, try getting him to say, "okay!"
> thats when Ryoko replied "Its
> just that your a wimp! I'm surpised that you can sit up in bed on
> your own, squirt".
MAX: Unless, of course, she uses *robots!* Like she does with *everything else.*
ALAIR: It's not her fault! She just needs to beat Hercules so she can get the Yellow Trinity first!
> "now, now, girls theres no need to be so mean at
> this time or anytime for that matter!
BRANDT <Tenchi>: However, if you cast 'Haste', the layers of time will allow you to be mean as much as you want.
> so just get along" said
> Tenchi, amazed at himself for making his little speech
ALAIR <Tenchi>: Come on, everybody! LET'S POSITIVE THINKING!
MAX: The same speech he makes *every single day.*
VIPER: Twice on Sundays.
ONIKO: Yeah, they'd sure like to *get along* with Tenchi...
THIEF: Bam-chika Bam-Bam...
> decided to sit
> there quietly for the rest of the morning.
ONIKO <Tenchi, muttering angrily>: Why did I have to give the speech so early? Man, that's my best move! How will I get through lunch?
> After lunch Washu noticed
> that the stranger had moved almost as if he was sleeping,
VIPER <Washu>: Dear Christ, he rolled over! WHAT ABOMINATION OF MAN IS THIS!?
ALAIR: ...gasp?
> she was
> pleased that she had manged to remove his weapons
BRANDT: Whoa, she can undo straps and open buckles? I guess that's just the sort of thing that the finest scientific mind in the greater galaxy is capable of, and we lesser peons can only aspire to bask in her glory.
SHERL: The sarcasm generator's overloaded, cap'n! She canna take any more!
[Had to correct the "Scotty" dialog -t.]
> apart from the
> scabard for the sword and that damn object in his hand!, she was
> dying to find out what it did!
THIEF: Lady, it's nothing special. You've probably got one just like it shoved under your bed.
MAX: ...and why does *she* care, anyway? It's not as if anything's shown any sort of strange phenomena. Aside from the whole "appearing out of nowhere" thing, anyway.
SHERL: I'm just curious as to why every bizarre event in Japan is centered around Tenchi's house.
ONIKO: Or in Nerima.
MAX: Or in Juuban.
>
> chapter 3:
ALAIR: PAGE Three. If even that.
> Its' gonna be a long day
ALAIR: [brightens] Not for us! If all the chapters are this short, we'll be out of here in-
LANCE <over intercom>: There are five fics with a total of eighty-two chapters.
ALAIR: -about a month.
-->[Got to make that longer than a 'week'...]
-->[Is that better? -t.]
[Yes. A month is intrinsically funnier than a week. Trust me. -Chimera]
>
> It was the very next day that Washu decided to see she could pry the
> hat off his head and that object from his hand, just to see what it
> did!, she told herself "it's all in the aid of science!",
ONIKO: Science!
[VIPER plays a quick 80's synth riff on a portable keyboard.]
ONIKO: <singing> It's poetry in motion! And now she's making love to me!
MAX: Okay, so she tried getting his hat off-
[THIEF chuckles.]
MAX: ...but couldn't, and she's going to try now. Is it just me, or did continuity just go out the window?
> "bullshit"
> replied her mind.
MAX: As did the readers.
-->ONIKO: Bullshit.
-->SHERL: Bullshit.
-->VIPER: Pachinko.
-->[ALL glare at VIPER]
ALAIR <Washu's mind>: "Mom, she's picking on me!" "I wonder if I left the washing machine running?" "Does anyone here like cheese?" "Voices!"
[ALL slowly turn to stare at ALAIR]
ALAIR: What?
ONIKO: You wouldn't happen to have a psychotic alter-ego, would you?
ALAIR: ... not that I know of?
ONIKO: Good.
BRANDT: Oh, come on, Oniko, that sort of thing only happens in the movies.
[Long, awkward silence.]
> When she got down to her lab she got a surprise,
> the subject was gone!
THIEF <Washu>: And the horde of Cabbits didn't seem to be hungry for their morning feeding! Why, this mystery is more perplexing than the quandary of how to remove a hat!
> After a bit of searching she discovered that he
> had fallen off the table and was lying face down on the floor,
ONIKO: Does that really take "a bit of searching" to notice?
ALAIR: He has been protected from the Terrible Secret of Space. [nods sagely]
> when
> she tried to lift him she found he was rather light
BRANDT: -in the head-
NEW-->THIEF: -and in the heels, if you know what I mean-
> and that she
> could carry him anywhere without any effort then finally she went and
VIPER: ...threw him into the fairy fountain to get more arrows!
MAX: I always thought that was a weird thing to wish for.
BRANDT: Yeah, he could've wished for world peace. Or at the very least for the live-action Sailor Moon to be good.
MAX: ...something like that, yeah. But more bombs? What was he on?
ONIKO: The Magic Powder. Duh.
SHERL: No, that was the Bat. Give him a little spice and he goes crazy granting wishes.
> got some breakfast, when she returned she found Ryoko trying to
> remove the hat!, "so you wanted to try it too?" said Washu,
> surprising Ryoko.
BRANDT <Ryoko>: Haven't you heard? He who removes this hat becomes right king of all Britons.
ONIKO: I thought C. Arthur Monteath-Carr was the King of the Britons.
LANCE <over intercom>: FOURTH WALL!
> Ryoko's reply was spat out at Washu, "I thought
> that since you were trying to get the hat off, I would come and help.
> But it seems stuck and I can't cut it at all.",
VIPER: Admantium hats. Spiffy.
MAX: Could be Gundanium.
VIPER: What's the difference?
MAX: Well, one is...
[Long pause.]
-->MAX: I have no freakin' clue.
[OR, from the pause]
BRANDT: [eyeroll] One of them is painted the American colors. The other is-
ALT-->MAX: Uh, several of the Gundams were red, white, and blue, and so's Captain America's adamantium shield-
BRANDT: What're you talking about? The American colors are puce and burnt umber.
MAX: What? What're you talking about! [his eyes widen] You're from a dystopic future, aren't you!? Is the Statue of Liberty okay!?
BRANDT: Oh, sure! They've been keeping the verdigris off the stumps and everything.
MAX: [clutching his head] Nooooo! You bastards, you blew it up! [pauses, trying to catch his breath] At least tell me, is the anime okay?
BRANDT <puzzled>: Annie-may? What is this... annie-may?
MAX: [clutching his head harder] DEAR SWEET GOD NOOOOOOOOOO-
ALAIR: That was mean!
BRANDT: I was kidding! You know I was kidding, right Max?
MAX: -OOOOOOOOOOOOO-
BRANDT: Oh, er... maybe not.
MAX: -OOOOOOOOOOOOO-
> "YOU DID WHAT!" screamed Washu,
SHERL <Washu>: What you say?!
MAX: -OOOOOOOOOOOOO-
> gathering herself, she said "you don't try to cut his
> hat off incase you injure him."
-->MAX <Washu>: And I can't make tools with such precision.
ALAIR: Um... how likely would that be? Is the top of his head really unusually pointy, or something?
VIPER: Anyone else getting 'Spider: The Video Game' flashbacks?
==>[Silence.]
==>VIPER: Dang.
MAX: -OOOOOOOOOOOOO-
> "I was only trying to help you"
> replied Ryoko
ALAIR: Well, shit, there goes any possibility of being in character.
VIPER <Ryoko>: Trust me, killing the Mary Sue is in the best interest of all of us. How do you know you're not going to be his love interest?
ONIKO <Washu>: ...I'll get the laser-cutter.
MAX: -OOOOOOOOOOOOO-
ONIKO: For the love of MMK! Somebody shut him up!
VIPER: Well, maybe he's okay.
SHERL: He hasn't even inhaled yet.
MAX: -OOOOOOOOOOOOO-
THIEF: Well, we COULD make the best of that wide-open mouth- OW! Okay, okay. Jesus. MAX! DUMBASS! There's anime in the future! OKAY!?
MAX: -OOOOOooo... [pauses, panting] Really? You mean it?
THIEF: Sure! There's lots of stuff. There's Tenchi Scouts, and Sailor Hunter D, and Neon Genesis Pokemon! I love the part where Brock hurls the MegaPokesphere into the moon...
MAX: NOOOOOOOO!
ONIKO: Now that was just cruel.
THIEF <grinning>: Wasn't it though?
ONIKO <snickering>: Yeah! It was great!
> and with that she teleported to go and pick on Ayeka.
> "Good, she's gone" said Washu under her breath.
-->BRANDT: Washu, couldn't you at least try to be a better mother?
ONIKO <Washu>: Okay, guys, break out the tequila and nachos!
[ALL whoop and holler.]
>
> That afternoon after lunch Washu decided that she would give up
> trying to remove the hat and object from the stranger as she had been
> trying all morning.
ALAIR: Washu, admit it - You're obsessed.
VIPER <Washu as Tycho>: I'm the king of hats!
SHERL <Washu>: I mean, there's nothing I hate more than a challenge. Waaaay too much effort!
> It was when Washu gave up she noticed that he had
> an ear-ring in his left ear and the jewel in it was black
ALL: Shock.
-->SHERL: I've seen more color in penguins.
ALAIR: Wait, so is it the left ear or the right ear that means you're gay?
ONIKO: I dunno, let's ask. Hey Brandt!
BRANDT: Well, I think it's -- wait, why are you asking me!?
ONIKO <innocently>: No reason.
> and that he
> had a cross hanging around his neck and this was also made from the
> black jewel and
VIPER <singing>: She saw a line of cars and they're all painted black...
THIEF: This much black cannot occur naturally. Surely he... [singing] Dyes it black... black! BLACK! Numbaaaah oooonnnne!
[Should we use Viper's song riff, since the song has already been referenced to above? -Chimera]
[Sure. What the hell. We did it with the Weird Al riffs last time. -t.]
> it was engraved with 'G.F. warrior' in really small
> writing.
-->SHERL: That's funny, I thought that the Garden Fungus warriors disbanded.
-->[OR]
-->SHERL: Huh. I didn't know the Green Ferrets were accepting new members.
-->[OR]
SHERL: Looks like he found an ex-member of the Golden Fruits and killed him for his nametag.
MAX: Oh, a Final Fantasy VIII crossover. Super.
ONIKO <Thief>: I invented it. It's called Super Ultra Fine Print. You owe me a quarter just for reading it.
THIEF: When did I say that?
ONIKO: No, AGAIN, I didn't mean you, I- wait, if you don't know the reference, how'd you know I meant a thief?
THIEF: What do you mean, how do I know? [pulls out a book he was sitting on and flips through it] I just read the script, right here, page 4-
LANCE <over intercom>: Rewrite!
THIEF: What? [a pink page floats down from the booth and lands in his script book] Huh. 'THIEF is dropped into a piranha tank'. This doesn't seem very funny, I-
[THIEF's seat folds out of the way and drops him out of sight with a yelp.]
ONIKO: ...you were asking for that, man.
LANCE <over intercom>: Shut up, you! Go get that plaster and bricks and start repairing the fourth wall! AND PUT SOME DAMN CLOTHES ON!
ALAIR: [facepalm] Would you people stop messing with my reality!?
-->[Actually yes. The stupidly long list of crossovers is in the next chapter]
-->[Small rearrangement there, hope nobody minds. -Chimera]
> She also noticed that he needed a shave and
BRANDT: -a haircut, twoooo biiits!
VIPER: Gah! How'd you get out of the piranha tank?
BRANDT <idly>: Reversed time.
ALAIR: What did I JUST say!?
-->[The phrase is "Shave and A HAIRCUT, two bits." Two bits is 25 cents. This was coined, if you'll pardon the pun, when that was how much a shave and a haircut cost. -Sherlock]
-->[Blah, blah, blah. I fixed it. STFU and STFD. ^_^ -t.]
[Tempted to make a Prince of Persia: Sands of Time ref, since that's coming out soon. What do y'all think? -Chimera]
[Played it. Not worth it. :-/ -t.]
> that while he
> was recovering he still grew a beard but it wasn't growing very fast,
> which puzzled Washu,
ALAIR: Why? That's perfectly normal.
> but then again this is nothing new.
BRANDT: This version of Washu brought to you by the Head Wound Foundation. Have you had your head wound today?
SHERL: Wait, if you just reversed time to get out of the tank, wouldn't your se-
[BRANDT screams as his seat drops him out of sight again.]
SHERL: Never mind.
> Washu then
> decided to leave him in peace for today.
VIPER: Of course, tomorrow it was going to be tickle-tortures and loud music *all* *freaking* *day.*
>
> chapter 4: getting up!
[THIEF blasts his way up through the floor with perfect casualness and takes another seat, ignoring the torn, soaking wet state of his clothes.]
THIEF: Doesn't look much different from here.
ALAIR <staring at THIEF>: Will there come a day when I view this sort of thing as commonplace?
ONIKO <still naked>: Pretty much. And sooner than you'd think.
>
> When Washu went to check on him she was mildly surprised to find him
> floating in mid-air, then after a while it dawned on her that he was
> floating on his own!
MAX <sadly>: Washu's as dumb as a bag of rocks in this one, isn't she?
BRANDT <blankly>: Light as a feather, stiff as a board...
SHERL <Venkman>: He sleeps above his covers. *Four feet* above his covers.
-->ONIKO: You see, there was this steady stream of flatulence, holding him up in midair.
-->[You stole my song ref and my Ghostbusters line. Only because of Slugata am I allowing you to live- Lainer]
[You are truly the soul of compassion, and the genitals of mercy, friend Lainer. -Chimera]
> Washu called Ryoko who was really shocked and
> this disbanded that it was Ryoko playing a trick!
MAX: You haven't ruled out the invisible gnomes yet though.
SHERL: All the former members of That It Was Ryoko Playing A Trick went back to their former lives, except for Zack, who moved to Germany and had a botched sex change operation. With this, punk disco had died.
-->ONIKO: He could be sleeping on a glass table, you know.
-->MAX: Isn't that for walking on water?
> then as mysteriosly
> as he began to float he began to descend, feeling a lot of different
> emotions, Washu looked at Ryoko then went and had lunch.
ALAIR <Washu>: Wow, a brand new mystery to sol- Oh, forget it. I'm going to have an egg sandwich.
MAX: Surge of emotions, looks at Ryoko, has "lunch". I'm getting some conflicting messages here.
ONIKO: That's because you still have morals.
MAX: Oh, right, duh.
-->BRANDT <Marge as Washu>: First I was nervous, then anxious, then wary, then apprehensive, then... kind of sleepy, then worried, and then concerned.
> After lunch
> Tenchi came and had a look and he was more shocked that Washu was
> because the stranger was sitting up!,
THIEF: Now stay. Stay... Good stranger! Can you play dead? Oh yes you can, yes you can!
MAX: What's with all the drama? It's just some guy sitting up!
SHERL: It's the *self-insertion author* sitting up. There's a difference.
> Tenchi shot out of the lab and
> ran straight into Washu,
-->THIEF: -leaving a large hole in Washu quite similar to a tank shell...
-->MAX: Tenchi must be really on the caffeine.
NEW-->THIEF <Tenchi>: ...and that's about as close as I'm ever going to come to loosing my virginity.
> "h..h...he's u..up," gathering himself
> Tenchi said "he's", "up" replied Washu and ran in to the lab to
> find.....
BRANDT: A check for one billion dollars!
VIPER <The Green Herring>: ...woah. [he O_O's] I WANT THAT!
ONIKO <Twelve>: No. These are my billion dollars. 'Sides, I'm going to spend them all today anyway.
VIPER <TGH>: On what?
[Dramatic pause.]
ONIKO <Twelve>: ...breaking shit.
>
> chapter 5: surprise!
ALL: AHHH!
ONIKO: Stop doing that!
ALAIR: ... a paragraph. One lousy paragraph that so called chapter was.
==>MAX <singing>: Happy Birthday, Washu. Happy twenty-thousand and twooo...
[Maybe a Yoda riff off Alair's line? -t.]
>
> The stranger sitting up still alseep!
SHERL: So that's five chapters consisting of our hero sleeping, then.
MAX: Yeah, but he's SITTING UP now!
VIPER: This fic brought to you by Andy Warhol.
> but sitting up anyway, then
ALAIR: -he grabbed the remote, started flipping channels, belched, and scratched at his stomach. Still asleep!
BRANDT: Amazing.
> Washu poked him in the ribs to be sure that he was still asleep, and
ONIKO: -put his hand in warm water?
> to her surprise she got a sleepy "fuck off!", a bit miffed she
ALAIR <quickly>: -banished him to the nth dimension and laughed madly the end we're outta here. [restraints snap down over her] Uh... or... not?
> slapped him and got the same reaction and with that she decided to
> let him be and just observe him.
[ALL pull out plastic dishes with brains in them. THIEF's looks worryingly real.]
>
> She sat there all day not moving and happened.
BRANDT: She is HAPPENING, man.
SHERL: They do say that shit happens. Hehe.
ALAIR: It can still be debated if she was an act of God or just a coincidence.
ONIKO: Oh, great. This is one of those art things that doesn't make any sense, isn't it?
> Then at three in the
> morning she crawled in to a make-shift bed next to him so if anything
> happened she would know.
BRANDT: Washu *really* doesn't have much to do, does she?
-->SHERL: And let's watch the hijinx ensue.
MAX: Not that there's any sort of alarm or camera she could set up in her lab, no sir...
VIPER: Well if there was, you'd have to hit space and 'n' together to go into crawl mode, get under the table and wait for it to move across to the other room to avoid the screen flashing red with gas.
ONIKO <game show host>: Naaaaaame That Reference!
BRANDT <announcer voice>: Answers on a postcard please, and write to...
> When she a woke she got a shock the stranger
> was gone,
THIEF <singing>: She says she loves him, yeah, she tells him so that, YEAAAAAH, [leaps up on his seat] WHEN HE WAKES UP HE'LL LEAVE, YEAAAAAAAH!
> when she sat up there was an even bigger surprise, the
> stranger moved her to where he was, where it was comfortable, and lay
> where she was, where it was not as comfortable.
MAX: He's not yet conscious, but the author still wants to make it clear that he's a *great guy*.
VIPER: I'm confused.
ALAIR: What about?
VIPER: Well, first he switched places with her.
ALAIR: Right.
VIPER: And then he covered Washu in Lays potato chips.
ONIKO: Yes.
VIPER: And later went on to save the Floozlies from the evil Garbos.
SHERL: Uh-huh.
VIPER: But... then what?
BRANDT: He went to Narnia and became a wonderful princess.
VIPER: Oh, okay. Now it makes sense.
[ALAIR screams and throttles VIPER.]
> She tried to poke him
> but stopped incase there was more responce than she was ready for.
MAX: Yeah, he could... I don't know, *explode* or something if you poke him the wrong way.
THIEF: Or he could explode if you poked him the *right* way.
MAX: What're you... ew.
VIPER <Chipmunk>: Oh no! You pressed the blow up the world rib!
BRANDT <deep-voiced>: Wait a minute, how could there be a blow up the world rib just-
[*BLAM*]
ALAIR <Washu>: Oh dear, he's floating again.
[Pause]
MAX: ... okay, that works, I guess.
[Y'know, I thought about a History Eraser Button ref here, but we need to save it and put it at the end of one of these 'fics, just because. :-) -t.]
Posted on Nov 29, 2003, 1:04 AM from IP address 143.166.255.16