I don't know how much more of this I can handle...
by t.ogre
>
> chapter 9: the moment Ryoko had waited for
BRANDT <Ryoko>: Woo hoo! They finally finished the third OAV!
[BRANDT <Ryoko> mimes reading a script.]
BRANDT <Ryoko>: Tenchi picks *WHO*!?
>
> Adam assumed the
THIEF: -wheelbarrow-
> position of the 'waterfoul fist' fighting style
ONIKO: Dude, the pool is NOT your personal bathroom.
MAX <Adam>: Practice what you preach, bro.
BRANDT: Is anybody else having flashbacks to Daffy Duck with his quarterstaff?
==>[I know that there was actually a joke in that cartoon about the quarterstaff being some other size, but damned if I can remember it. Anybody else? -Cosmos]
> and
> used the technique to make his captives into ice cubes,
SHERL <Announcer>: When you have to have a cold drink *fast*...
[Shouldn't there be some sort of fast food / frozen fish sticks joke here? -t.]
> and as the
> chunks landed they smashed into even more of a mess
VIPER <frighteningly deep voice>: Sub-Zero...wins.
MAX: Then Daedolon and the Crusader showed up and double-teamed him for stealing their moves.
> and disintergrated, "well that was the most difficult battle I ever had"
BRANDT: He's being sarcastic, right?
ALAIR: ...I honestly don't know.
MAX: If he is, then even *he* got tired of the author's Mary Suing.
> said Adam relaxing into a loose position,
SHERL: -then realizes the side effects of the "waterfoul" technique.
VIPER: Complete disintegration of the skeletal system.
MAX: ...ew.
[I'm tempted to make a reference to a Ray Bradbury short story here, but not sure how to word it, or if I should make the effort... -Chimera]
> "say, why don't we go
> somewhere where we can get some privacy" whispered Ryoko into Adam's
> ear,
THIEF <thoughtfully>: Yes, slowly torturing him to death with a blow torch WILL require much privacy. You are a wise and wily woman, Ryoko. [pauses, then says passionately] I must possess her!
> "sure", said Adam opening a portal and taking Ryoko by the hand
> and walking through the portal. "Oh, man, that.. was mind blowing.
ONIKO <Ryoko, stoned>: That was just trippy, maaaan.
ALAIR <Ryoko>: Is this that Woodstock place our parents are always talking about?
> I..I never expirianced anything like it" said Ryoko panting,
ALAIR <Ryoko>: ...now explain the broom closet.
ONIKO: Does the author really think that Ryoko is a virgin?
BRANDT: Either that, or it's the last, worst, possible act of mary-sueing.
VIPER: ...was there a sex scene that we missed?
MAX: Apparently. But you know, it's for the better that we didn't see it. For starters, we didn't have to see the fruits of the fact that most authors can't write sex scenes to save their life.
SHERL: Although it could be the sort of thing where an imagined horror is worse than one seen. Sort of like in "The Third Man."
ALAIR: Or something by Lovecraft.
SHERL: Yeah, yeah, I know, or something by Lovecraft.
> "I thought you enjoyed it,
==>THIEF <Ryoko>: I was faking. I was being sarcastic.
==>ONIKO <Adam>: Was not!
==>THIEF <Ryoko>: Was too!
==>[OR]
ONIKO <Adam>: -what with all that screaming...
THIEF <Ryoko>: Oh, no, it's just that I suddenly noticed those AWFUL curtains. Does that mean you're done? I'm sorry, I really stopped paying attention after a while.
> you were screaming so loud you broke the mirror"
ALAIR: Uh oh, seven years bad luck for Ryoko.
ONIKO: No, that was *him*. [He jabs his thumb at MAX]
MAX: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE-
[SHERL knocks MAX unconscious with a heavy chunk of the ceiling's debris and shakes his head sadly.]
SHERL: Poor kid.
> he said pointing at the small hand mirror on the chest of
> draws
BRANDT <slowly>: A chest full of draws? So will we be seeing a gunslinger stop by to pick up a 'draw' or two before he engages in a showdown?
[Mad retribution here. -t.]
> on the other side of the large room, "its a good jod all the
> rooms are soundproof" said Adam,
MAX: 'jod'? What the hell's a jod?
THIEF <Ryoko>: [mimes wiping his mouth] Nah, not that great a jod, too salty.
VIPER: Zod's incompetant twin brother?
ONIKO <Jod>: STAND BEFORE JOD!
SHERL: It's Danish for, "I don't bother to check my typing."
VIPER <Adam>: ...because it's time to meet Mr. Chef's Knife and his sidekick, Ms. Internal Hemorrhaging!
> lying back, looking at Ryoko who had
> a light sheen of persperation,
THIEF: Only a little sweat? And you're DONE? Adam, you great bloody gelding. Why didn't you twink yourself in this area too?
ALAIR: Maybe he thought he did. [snicker]
> "I never thought it would be so..
> undescribable"
VIPER <Ryoko>: I mean, hey Author? What is up with that? Work with me here!
MAX <Ryoko>: Can't I have a *little* description?
> said Ryoko moving closer to Adam, "why do you hide
> your body?"
ALAIR <Adam>: Let's put it this way: when you get a tattoo of your girlfriend, make sure you tell the tattoo artist how to spell her name first.
THIEF <Adam>: Especially when her name is Gayle Fokker.
> "because if I walked around showing off my body I would
> be arrested for exposure"
MAX: ...or bad taste.
> "you know what I mean" "oh, yeah, I know
> I'll walk around without a shirt, just show my arms, and watch as all
> the girls either faint or start to drool,
VIPER: Yeah, on that note should we count ourselves lucky that he's been going for the dark mysterious angle rather than the hunky, muscly type.
[Pause.]
MAX: The lesser of two evils I suppose.
ONIKO: Hm... [checks BRANDT with comical care] Nah, you're wrong Adam, his chin's dry.
BRANDT: Wait, what?
> or even better, I'll wear
> no shirt and a pair of cycling shorts, extra tight and see every
> woman that looks at me die"
ALAIR: I can see the headline now, 'THOUSANDS DIE AS WOMEN GOUGE OUT THEIR OWN EYES!'
MAX: Excuse me, who's talking?
ONIKO: I'm praying it's Ryoko. Mmm.
SHERL <Adam>: For as my uncle Ben once said, before I saved him from that mug... army of muggers.
[He pauses, stands up, and adopts a heroic pose]
SHERL <Adam>: With great sexy, sexy body comes great responsibility!
BRANDT: Well, he has a healthy self-image, at least...
> "there's no need for sarcasam" "oh? just
> like theres no need for Tenchi"
MAX: And we have anime title reference!
SHERL: What's this? The fifth in this chapter?
> "fuck you" "I don't go for that
> stuff, but you do, don't you?" "how would like a fat lip?"
VIPER <Adam>: No thank you, I don't care for punk rock.
> "how would
> you like to be kicked out of my house?" "kiss my chuddies" "I already
> have, remember?"
==>THIEF <Ryoko>: Well, that was more suckling, than kissing. Perhaps a bit of nibbling...
==>ONIKO: I can safely say that I can almost envy Adam, hearing that.
==>[OR]
BRANDT <quiet voice>: I don't know who's talking, so I don't know what 'chuddies' are. And I really never ever want to know. Ever.
> "what time is it?" "time I got outta my pit" came
> the reply,
VIPER <confused>: Reptile? What are *you* doing there?
> "you havin' a shower?" "with you, yeah, without then no"
> "tramp"
BRANDT: Who *is* talking?
ONIKO <"Me">: You are such a d**k!
MAX <Wizard>: You're a d**k!
ONIKO <"Me">: You're a d**k!
MAX <Wizard>: You're a d**k!
ONIKO <"Me">: You a d-
[ONIKO begins to choke. MAX, alarmed, performs the Heimlich maneuver on ONIKO, who eventually spits out a huge wad of asterisks.]
ONIKO <gagging>: That's the last time I speak Censorese.
MAX <to himself, awed>: I saved Shinji's life! I actually saved Shinji's life! Wait until the guys at the anime club hear about this!
==>[For the record, it's called shorthand]
> Adam was silent,
==>BRANDT, MAX: Thank you!
==>[OR]
ALAIR <marveling>: That's got to be the most concrete proof of God's existence I've ever seen.
BRANDT: [dangling his crucifix temptingly] There's still time to conveeerrrt....
==>OTHERS: Me first! ME ME ME!
> "whats the matter?" "nothing, but I thought
> that I heard a noise"
THIEF: That's just Ryoko's maidenhead reknitting itself in pure denial as to what just occurred.
> "its your imagination, come back to bed"
MAX: Wasn't it daytime?
> but Adam was already out the door wearing a black silk robe, with a
> picture of a chinese dragon emblazed in silver.
BRANDT: Looks like his robe suffered the same fate as Shriker's gi.
> "wow, this place is huge,
MAX: Her lab spans several dimensions, but Washu is still easily impressed by the wonders of Suburbia.
VIPER: Good one, Little W!
SHERL <Washu>: I'm just saying it's big, is all.
> I wonder where them pair are. Oh, lets see in the study" said
> Washu as she opened the door marked 'study'
BRANDT: -as she stepped across that flat surface labeled 'floor' and almost tripped over the four-legged animal marked 'cat', she began to wonder about Adam's sanity.
> and she was greeted by
BRANDT: -Colonel Mustard, with the candlestick.
> the shelf upon shelf of videos, "fist of the north star the movie
> (live action), Tenchi Muyo! Ryo-ohki, pretty sammy,
THIEF <Washu>: Wait a fucking minute, what are these sticky white stains on the Pretty Sammy cover?
[This one only works if the Pretty Sammy cover has Sasami front and center, really... if the Ryo-ohki cover's got the cabbit on it, that'd work too. -Chimera]
> daugther of
> darkness, Tenchi in love, Tenchi forever,"
VIPER <Adam>: I'm a consumer whore!
ONIKO: ...and how!
> read Washu out loud, then
> Washu pulled a Tenchi Muyo! Ryo-ohki video (volume 7,
ONIKO: Is that the one where the mailman's disappeared and they find the swarm of Ryo-ohkis crouched in a puddle of blood gnawing on tattered envelopes?
> which by
> coincedence has Washu on the front) "so what do we have here?" Washu
> gasped and fumbled the video but managed to get hold of it again.
ALAIR: Poor Washu, even her basic motor skills are fading.
[MAX breaks down again and sobs.]
>
> chapter 10: Adams past (part two)
BRANDT: -the Revenge.
ALAIR: This time, even God gives in.
>
> Adam sprung over the railing two floors up, and landed without a
> whisper,
SHERL: -but with two broken legs!
ALL: We wish!
> taking a sword form the samurai armour in the hall,
MAX: Why? With the power to shatter mountains with his bare hands, the sword can only make him WEAKER.
> and
> noticed the door to the study was open, he moved without a sound and
> with great speed,
SHERL: -and completely overshot the door, crashing comically into the China cabinet down the hall.
> and
ALAIR <narrator>: -as is the convention in these instances, slipped on a banana peel.
> when he found the person, he was mildly
> surprised to find who it was. "so this is were you took my daugther,
ONIKO <Adam>: No, I took her upstairs.
[ONIKO is violently launched face first into the screen. He bounces off, hits the floor with a painful sounding crunch and pulls himself up and faces the others with his hands on his hips.]
ONIKO: All right, who did that?
[ALL glare at him.]
ONIKO: Fine. [He limps backs to his seat and sits down.] Be that way.
> nice place she said holding the video in her hand, "and what good
> taste you have in videos, I mean look at all the tenchi videos"she
> said gesturing to the shelf,
THIEF <Washu>: Hey, you even have the one where Ayeka went crazy, and used the Jurai sword-hilt as a strap-on to screw Ryoko, Mihoshi, me, and then Ryo-Ohki, before going after Tenchi-
MAX: 'Tenchi Vs Sailormoon' doujinshi isn't canon, ya freak!
THIEF: Oh, I know. I was just curious to see who'd admit to reading it.
[Long pause.]
MAX: ...fuck.
> "well, I have a wide range of tastes but
> there is no hentai there,
THIEF <Adam>: It took up too many shelves, so I keep it all in the basement. Ever watched "Bondage Game?"
ONIKO: If a guy says they don't have any porn, they're either lying or broke.
[Changed Thief's line from "Cool Devices" to "Bondage Game." It's even more sick than CD, if you'll believe it. -OH]
[I DO find that a bit hard to believe. I'll have to watch it sometime. -Chimera]
> mostly action movies, romantic comedys,
[ALL burst into laughter.]
ALAIR: Well, now we know his relationship with Ryoko is just to hide his real sexuality.
BRANDT: But... *I* like romantic comedies.
ALAIR <unsurprised>: Is that so.
> like the one in your hand, martial arts, about every genre of anime
> but like I said, no hentai"
VIPER <Adam>:I have no naughty thoughts!
MAX <Washu>: Doesn't Sakura Diaries count?
THIEF <Adam>: No, it does not!
> "yeah, right!" said Ryoko wearing a black
> robe like Adams except it had a tiger on the back,
ONIKO: Which, I'm sure by no sheer coincidence, is crouching.
ALAIR: And Adam's dragon is hiding, but he claims it's just the cold air.
VIPER <Ryoko>: By the way...I'd like to ask you something. It's about that day...
> "well if it ain't
> the lovers"
ONIKO: Dan Steely?
> said Washu, gazing at Adam who was still wearing his hat,
VIPER: ...on what?
MAX: Kinky bastard.
SHERL <singing>: You can keep your hat on...
> Washu noticed. "What's the matter with you ma,
MAX: Ryoko doesn't call Washu 'ma,' story.
> I wanted some" "action" Washu cut in, "no ma, I wanted some priviacy, I wanted
> Adam but he refused so I managed to persude him
[THIEF glomps SHERL.]
THIEF <Ryoko>: Yes, it was all my doing and mine alone! I seduced this pure and noble young man! He would have none of my shameless advances, but-
SHERL: ...you can let go now.
THIEF: [bats his eyelashes coyly] But why would I do that? It worked for Ryoko and it can work for-
[SHERL tears himself out of THIEF's grasp and jumps up and clings desperately to the rafters.]
THIEF <heartbroken>: Wait, don't go! Come back!.. [sniffles]
==>[Somethin' about a large, strong anthro cat clinging to the ceiling to escape Thief's advances makes me giggle. -Chimera]
> and if you must known,
> yes, I enjoyed it" Washu was shocked
==>ONIKO <Washu>: But you're a LESBIAN!
==>ALAIR <Ryoko>: ...oh yeah, I forgot.
==>[OR]
ONIKO <Washu>: But you're a LESBIAN!
ALAIR <Ryoko>: ...wait, are you saying Adam's not a girl? [pause} EEEWWW!
> and as soon as she regained her
> composture she said
VIPER <Washu, compost>: I am thrilled to accept your garden waste.
> "so, you just left on the impusle
BRANDT: You SHOULD leave if you've got an impusle, you need to get a doctor to lance that.
> that you would
> get somewhere with Adam, well now are you happy?"
BRANDT <singing>: If you could look me in the eye, and tell me that you're happy now, whoooOOOohhh...
> "yes, I am thank
> you" this shook Washu,
ALL <singing>: And Washuuu... shook me allll night long. Yes, Washu! Shook me all, night long!
[Mad retribution, most definitely, right here. -t.]
> "it was a rtohrical question"
ONIKO <puzzled>: So it was an off-sided rectangle?
BRANDT: That's a rhombus.
ONIKO: So it was...
[Long pause.]
ONIKO <ashamed>: That's all the guesses I've got.
VIPER: Say it ain't so!
ONIKO: I'm... I'm so sorry.
VIPER: I used to BELIEVE in you, man. Now... I'm goin' to law school!
ONIKO: [clutches his head] NOOOOOOO!
> "well you should
> ask proper questions if your looking for answers"
ALAIR: It was rhetorical. She wasn't looking for answers.
MAX: Neither were we.
> "look, I want you
> to stop before you get hurt, I" "want you to stop seeing Adam because
BRANDT <Washu>: -my studies show that he does indeed have 'cooties'. Also, 'boy germs'.
[ALAIR makes disgusted little girl sounds and giggles.]
> of the attention he is atrracting from me and the others back at
> Tenchi's" said Adam
BRANDT: -butting in on a conversation which he isn't welcome in, like the... the-
ONIKO: Goddamn egotistical motherfucker.
BRANDT: -he is! [to ONIKO] Thanks.
ONIKO: Null perspiration.
> copying Washu's voice as he came back with a tray
> of tea and other things,
VIPER <Adam>: Ooh, ooh, check this out!
[VIPER <Adam>, hand behind ALAIR <Washu> like a ventriloquist's dummy, begins drinking a glass of water.]
ALAIR <Washu, singing>: I'm a little teapot, short and stout! Here is my handle, here is my spout!
VIPER <Adam>: Isn't that great?
ALAIR <Washu>: I want some ham!
VIPER <Adam>: No, Washu, you may not have any ham, you're just a puppet!
ALAIR <Washu>: Why can't I have any ham?
VIPER <Adam>: You are nothing more than wood shavings! Can't you see? NO HAM FOR YOU!
[VIPER begins shaking ALAIR, who backs away.]
ALAIR: Wait, what are we referencing now?
VIPER: Referencing?
> "that's not.." " bullshit,
THIEF <Adam>: -everybody wants me! You want me and she wants me and and-
[THIEF points into the rafters at SHERL, who clings tighter to his support beam.]
THIEF <Adam>: -he wants me and-
[THIEF points at ALAIR, who throws her popcorn bucket at him.]
THIEF <Adam>: -she wants me and [points at VIPER] even *it* wants me-
VIPER: -HEY!
THIEF <Adam>: -you all want MEEEEEEEEEEEEE! [collapses to the floor panting] Damn my sexy body!
> Washu you came
> here to check on me, not your daughter, or should I say creation?
VIPER <singing>: It's my creation... is it reeeeal? It's my creation... I do not know...
> go on admit it"
ONIKO <Adam, muttering>: That's right, continue to drive a wedge between mother and daughter, soon both shall be mine! [pause] Did I just say that aloud?
BRANDT: By the way, are you ever going to come down, Sherlock?
SHERL: NOT UNTIL YOU'RE SANE! OR HETERO! EITHER ONE! OR BOTH!
BRANDT: Aw, c'mon, it'll be okay. [coaxing] I've got a ball of yarn...
SHERL <suddenly happy>: Yarn?
[SHERL drops down, scrambling to the yarn as it's tossed, and batting it about with his huge paws.]
ALAIR: Awww... so cute...
> "alright, I admit there was some truth in that, but I
> was worried that something might of happened to Ryoko
==>THIEF <Washu>: My bitch is not allowed to come without her Mistresses' permission, you see.
==>[OR]
THIEF <Adam>: Now, don't be silly, she's perfectly fine in the company of her new Master, making all kinds of new friends among her fellow white slaves...
> and she is my
> daughter not my creation, after all you own all the videos, you
> should know that"
THIEF <Adam>: I tend to fast forward over the talky stuff and just watch the fanservice.
> said Washu looking away to prevent Ryoko from
> seeing her show such weakness,
SHERL <Ryoko>: Oh dear, mother's ear looks so depressed...
> "Washu, Ryoko can look after herself
> after all she is.." Adam tryed to recall how old she was, "over 700
> years old"
MAX: Sorry, no. It's either 5017 or 17.
[Hey, how old is Tenchi anyways? -Chimera]
> he said really disappointed he couldn't remember, "and how
> old are you, Adam?" asked Washu snidely,
MAX: This should be good.
VIPER <Snake>: Old enough to know what death looks like.
ONIKO: Snake isn't in this 'fic. You're imagining that.
VIPER: That's what's making it so great.
[VIPER closes his eyes and slumps into seat, a wide smile on his face.]
> "old enough to know
ONIKO: He's evading the question.
> what I feel,
ALAIR <Adam>: -and right now I feel the need to go potty. [starts to leave, then pauses] Um... I need somebody to hold my hand.
> and anyway, I have loved and lost many people close to me and I
> have absorbed a hell of a lotta knowlege,
MAX <Adam>: Literally. I just touch a book and I know it all already. I'm freaking Meteor Man here.
VIPER <Adam>: The downside is my face gets all veiny and I try to destroy the world, but thems the breaks, right?
> in my time so don't doubt
> me" said Adam visciously,
ALL: Whoa!
BRANDT: Um... Adam, I know a few support groups who can help with these self-esteem issues of yours. They really work. Last week the Hulk got a breakthrough! I held him while he cried.
ALL: ...
> "then why have you lost so many loved
> ones?"
SHERL <Adam>: Because I'm a sucker for the poker table, okay?
> "Washu, I think that your digging yourself grave" said Ryoko
ALAIR <Ryoko>: You know better than to use logic on the SI.
> trying to get Adam not to blow his top,
THIEF: Now Ryoko, don't lie on his behalf... we both know he won't be able to 'blow his top' again until he's had a few day's rest and a lot of vitamin E.
> "well, Washu I will answer
> the question, I have lost loved ones because I fight for what is
> right,
MAX <announcer>: Got to get tough! Yo Joe!
SHERL <Adam>: For ego, nookie, and the self-inserted way!
> I wish it was not that way at times, hell I even became pure
> evil nothing could stop me,
ONIKO <Washu>: [gasp] You're the guy who plays Barney the Dinosaur?
BRANDT: When does the fighting for right come in?
> the forces of heaven and hell combined
> and still I rampaged on,
BRANDT: Still waiting for the fighting for right bit.
> killing and slaughtering anyone or thing
> that stood in my path"
ONIKO: HULK SMASH!
BRANDT: Uh, he stopped that, Oniko. Now he's in touch with his feelings.
ONIKO: ...you bastard.
MAX <Washu>: If you're trying to convince me that my daughter will be safe with you, you're doing a bad job of it.
ONIKO <Adam>: I'm trying to tell you that I always get what I want.
MAX <Washu>: In that case, you're doing an excellent job!
SHERL: Sounds a lot like Lobo.
> said Adam, with his fist clenched so tight
> that the bones and cords stood out,
BRANDT <softly>: If there pushed any ragged thistle-stalk / Above its mates, the head was chopped; the bents / Were jealous else.
ALAIR: ...are you referring to his cords 'standing out', or symbolically to Adam's influence overwhelming the canon?
ONIKO: Or to his penis?
BRANDT <icily>: All of the above.
> "I have the blood of so many
> innocents on my hands from trying to save others
VIPER: [holds up a white cloth] Wetnap?
ALAIR <Washu>: Did it ever occur to you that maybe you're not cut out for the hero business?
ONIKO: Oh yeah, I know what he's saying. I mean, the pedestrians always jump in front of your ambulance, and it's not like I'm getting paid for *them*.
[I don't know, maybe we blew our quota of GTA riff last episode.]
[At least be a bit more clever about it. I STILL don't know why people have such trouble with the ambulance mission, anyways. I got it the first try on both games. -Chimera]
> when I have been
> consumed with rage for the world, what you don't understand Washu, is
> the effect that having you life being shit from day one,
==>VIPER: But shit out of what? Inquiring minds want to know!
THIEF <Adam, singing>: Shallow skin, I can paint with pain, I mark a trail down my arms with your disdain! Every day it's the same; I love you hate but I guess I don't care anymore!
> bulids you
> up with so much rage, so much anger that you will eventally turn to
> the wrong side.
ONIKO <Adam, singing>: I feel the reason as it's leaving me, no, not again...
SHERL <singing backup>: Make me baaaad...
VIPER <Adam>: That's when I created the living Stress Ball... but that a different, much more disturbing story.
THIEF: Oh, this is blatant discrimination! I am sick and tired of evil being portrayed as a negative thing! "Wrong side," my ass. Where's the damn fun in being good, huh? Where's the money, the fast cars, the whores?
==>ALAIR: Sit down.
==>THIEF: I WANT MY WHORES, DAMN IT!
> I have several times, I am half creature of the
> night, I can destroy any world I choose, I am virtually a god,
ONIKO: Huh. Looks like Inu-Yasha got the short end of the stick.
> I know gods with less power than I possese,
VIPER: Then, you're not 'virtually a god', you are a god.
BRANDT <Ryoko>: Stop now, while you still can!
MAX <Adam>: But I can't. Why would I? I am about to transcend time and humanity, and become... a GOD!
ALAIR: I've got it! Maybe Adam is in reality one of the faces of Nyarlathotep.
> I can and have destroyed towns,
> villages, sprawling citys, and just because I have lost a loved one.
VIPER: How petty.
BRANDT: Especially when we realize that he's referring to his beloved Hummel figures.
VIPER: Oh, in that case, I can understand. I mean, look how very cute 'Boy With A Toothache' is!
[VIPER pulls a hummel figure from his quills and hugs it close, swaying and whispering something about 'my precious!' to himself.]
BRANDT: ...I'm just going to carefully ignore that. A lot.
> When my wife was killed by count Dracula, I went into the castle and
> tore every creature apart with my very own hands, the hands that hold
> your daughter,
ONIKO: The CreepOmeter is going off the scale, cap'n! She canna take much more!
ALAIR: I think I'm gonna have to shower for a few days when I get out of here, anybody else?
[ALL make sounds of agreement.]
> the hands that have snached Tenchi from the jaws of
> death, and I even ripped death apart,
MAX: I don't think that's what Lovecraft meant when he said 'Even death may die'.
SHERL: Well, that's done it. He's going to have a horde of 'perky-goth' fanboys out for his blood now.
> whose touch is sudden death,
MAX <Simon Belmont>: Really now?
ALAIR <Sonia Belmont>: It wasn't when I met him.
ONIKO <Trevor Belmont>: Same here.
BRANDT <Richter Belmont>: It hurts, though. A little.
SHERL <Alucard>: ...and that's *if* you even get hit.
VIPER <Soma Cruz>: Can't talk. Busy looking bishounen.
> and when I found Dracula, hmm, I tore him apart piece by piece, limb
> from limb
SHERL: That explains why his eye, rib, fingernail, heart and fang are always lying around the castle.
MAX: What about the ring?
SHERL: Saw it in theaters. Real scary.
[Jesus Christ. Mad retribution. -t.]
> and then when the true Dracula showed himself,
SHERL: I can just imagine Adam coming up with some dumb 'showing your true form' one-liner at that point.
> I could
> smell the fear coming off him, as he had witnessed my destruction of
> everything that moved in that castle,
BRANDT: [gasp] Even the perpetual motion machine? You monster!
ONIKO <Adam as Homer>: In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!
> I didn't kill dracula, I
> obliterated him.
MAX: Whoa. Have *you* got a personal problem, or *what*?
> And then the castle that caused horror to even the
> toughtest man, warped in to a more sinister place when I killed
> Dracula,
VIPER: Yeah yeah, and this is the origin of the IRS and the Republican party, we know, story...
> and that was when the killing started and then raged on for
> a few years until I almost killed a beautiful woman,
VIPER <Adam>: You can tell that it was right about this point I hit puberty...
> it was strange
> because I had killed other women some more preety
==>THIEF: What a waste! Everyone knows you don't kill them right off the bat!
==>[OR]
THIEF: [snort] Straight men don't kill them right off the bat, Adam.
ONIKO: Uh, we don't kill them at all.
THIEF: Yes, YOUR kind stalks and kills beautiful men. [smirk]
> and felt great
> pleasure when I ripped them apart but this one,
BRANDT: Remind me again why the heroes like this guy on their team?
MAX: He always buys the first round of "tea".
> she was not scared or
> anything she even walked over to me and held her neck out, yet I
> could not bite it.
ONIKO: Platineck (tm). For all the protection you'll need.
VIPER <Adam>: I chpped a tuuf ah bi' mah tunn.
> i then looked myself and discovered that I was the
> worst monster ever,
SHERL <Comic Shop Guy>: Worst. Monster. Ever.
VIPER <Adam, singing>: I haven't slept since I woke up and found my whole life was a lie, MOTHER FUCKER!
> I was merciless to my forces of darkness, I
> killed many for thoughts that I was uncontrolable, that I wasn't
> playing with a full deck,
ALAIR <Irritably>: And I thought Holden Caulfield's endless whining was bad enough.
ONIKO <Adam>: Then Albedo kicked my ass for taking his gimmick. That sucked.
> but this woman, she was not scared, and
> when I had discovered what I became, a load had seemed to leave my
[THIEF opens his mouth.]
OTHERS: DON'T SAY IT!
THIEF: [smirks] You were thinkin' it. I win anyways.
[OTHERS fume.]
> mind, and the hellish creatures I created disappered, and Castlevania
> crumbled.
MAX <Adam>: The Schwartzwind was alive and well.
> I only return to that place to visit my wifes grave, which
> I carved before I went crazy."
[A stack of shipping crates labeled "ANGST" land in a corner of the theater.]
MAX <knowledgeably>: Oh, those must be for Shinji.
ONIKO: DAMNIT, THEY AREN'T- oh yeah, actually, they are.
ALAIR: Pardon?
ONIKO: Well, how do you expect me to be a proper bish without angst or a severe mental problem, or both?
SHERL <mutters>: You are already in a dress.
BRANDT: Excellent Oniko, you DID read all the rules! Though really, I never bothered with that silly rule... I mean, who needs angst or mental problems to be cute?
ONIKO: ...uh-huh.
BRANDT: I hear tell that the Bishounen Guild will assign you a set of angsty mental problems if you don't come up with some yourself, but that's nonsense. I mean, just look at me!
[Long pause, before ONIKO runs over to the ANGST crates at a blur and physically dives into them.]
[...and I know I can do something with this, but don't have the time at the moment. If anyone else wants to take a shot at it... -OH]
[Eh, not my best effort. -Chimera]
> "I had no idea.." "no one ever does"
MAX <Dave>: They think they know. They think they understand. But none of them know; they could never-
ALAIR <VAL>: You spend your days talking to EverQuest characters. What else is there to know?
MAX <Dave>: Yeah, uh, shut up.
> said Adam, getting up and sitting behind a large desk upon which sat
> a skull,
ALAIR: Horatio, no!
VIPER <Adam>: See that? That's the last established character that didn't bow to my will.
> a personal computer and a few other objects. "Adam, I'm
> sorry about how I acted, will you forgive me?"
ONIKO <Washu>: [mimes reading] -Washu then acts repentant, getting on her knees before the Great Adam, pleading and begging for his divine forgiveness- [looks up] Oh, come on now, don't you think this is going a little too far?
SHERL <Adam>: Oh yeah, I forgot the whole oral sex thing... [snatches the script and starts writing]
> "hmmmm, I'll have to
> think about that" he said smiling to himself, Oh, and Washu, if you want
THIEF <Adam>: -some of the Big Adamski, you're gonna have to get in line.
[I can't think of a good way of applying Adam to the Big Valbowski. Can anyone do better?]
> to sit and watch the videos, then go ahead, I can see your
> itching to,
BRANDT: Nah, that's just a casting of 'Woeful Itch'. Try to roll under your Con x 5, Washu!
> seeing as you seem rather attached to that one in your
> hand"
> Washu noticed that her hand had turned white with the pressure
> she was applying,
ALAIR <Washu>: Must control... Fist of Death.
MAX <disgusted>: No need on my account.
> "just slap it in
SHERL: You know, that could be seen as an incentive to break the video. And possibly the VCR too.
> and I'll make breakfast after I
> phone Sasami and let her know that your both having breakfast here
VIPER <Washu>: Actually, I was just stopping by on the way to have breakfast with Tenc-
ONIKO <Adam>: YOU WILL OBEY MY WILL.
VIPER <Washu>: [sighs] I hear and obey.
> and is they wanna watch the pretty sammy videos and the Mihoshi
> special"
VIPER <Washu>: By the way, wouldn't finding out I'm a mere cartoon character and that my entire life is a charade kind of, ya know, drive me insa-
ONIKO <Adam>: -j-just...shut up, all right?
> so after Adam put on his usual pair of black jeans and black
> shirt
BRANDT: That would probably make doing the laundry much easier.
MAX: Laundry? He sweats rose water; why would he need to do laundry?
> he phoned Sasami and set about preparing breakfast for himself
> and Washu and Ryoko, while the other girls set about making theirs,
SHERL: [snorts] Lazy prick.
THIEF: Nah, he's just tired from that rockin' thirteen seconds of pure animal sex he gave Ryoko last night. Man, those marathon sessions drain him like nothin' else.
> "its been a while since you made our breakfast" said Sonja, "yeah"
> agreed the twins, "well hang on then, I'll go get blood from a stone
[Stone Cold Steve Austin's entrance music starts playing for no reason, then stops abruptly. ALL look around confused.]
> and then I'll make breakfast for you"
THIEF <Sonja>: Mmmm, stoneblood omelets, my favorite!
> "we'll do it ourselves then,"
> said Ani, "tell me how you make them shakes that you always drank"
THIEF <Adam>: First you take the fresh testicles from a ripe male... while any humanoid species will do, I find that those of the elf persuasion have an interesting sweetness to them. Probably all the fruit, and because they're pansies. Next-OW!
> said Una, "its a recipe that will die with me" said Adam with an air
> about him,
MAX <quickly>: I call no fart jokes.
SHERL <Adam>: ...oh, geesh! The mortality thing you guys have! Sorry!
> "selfish bastard" muttered Sonja "yes I am aren't I" said
> Adam smugly.
BRANDT: Wow, even he admits he's smug!
Posted on Dec 5, 2003, 12:01 AM from IP address 143.166.255.18