ONIKO: -Dragon.
MAX: Now if only Bruce Lee was in this fic. He'd kick this guy's ass.
> enemies (that sounds disgusting!)
[Beat.]
MAX <enemy>: Hey! That isn't in my contract!
ONIKO: Okay, the author's a bigger leech than I am.
THIEF: But not me! And things are looking up!
>
> The next afternoon as everyone was preparing for a meal that Adam was
> cooking,
MAX: Because Adam is a better cook than Sasami, of course.
ONIKO: And by "preparing", we mean "hara-kiri".
BRANDT <Tenchi>: I pray the Lord my soul to take...
> a shadow decended upon the house.
SHERL: Go away, Baldwin!
ALAIR <SHADOW>: Interceptor, Get him!
MAX: <SHADOW>: Chaos control!
SHERL: Didn't you already use that?
BRANDT <smugly>: Yes. WE believe in recycling.
> On board 'The Tomba'
VIPER: Which was way behind "The Bandicoot" and "The Hedgehog" in power...
> there
> was a fleet of strange looking hybrids, some looked like a cross
BRANDT <happily>: YES! It's the Angels come to annihilate him. Wait for me, I'll help!
MAX: Me too! Yaaaay Angels!
[Both leap up and eagerly run towards the screen. SHERL grabs BRANDT and ONIKO grabs MAX to take them back to their seats.]
MAX <to ONIKO>: Shinji, I know the angels have hurt you in the past, but we must work together against this mutual threat!
ONIKO <irritably>: Great, Hallucination Boy and his sidekick Visionman are just gonna get worse as this goes on, aren't they?
> between a snake,a man and a dog,
SHERL: A chimera?
ALAIR: That's just a goat with the head of a lion and a snake for a tail.
SHERL: Perhaps an Echidna?
BRANDT: That's a black-eyed half-woman half-serpent.
SHERL: How about a sphinx?
BRANDT: That's a lion's body with a woman's head and a bird's wings.
SHERL: Than it must be one of these 'Republican' monsters I've been hearing so much about.
BRANDT: That's a demon in human form, that's totally different.
-->[Correct me if I'm wrong. I don't know my Greek mythology.]
-->[Doubt anybody's going to read this, but actually, I took the chimera name due to the OTHER definition, that of a being which is the result of merging other beings or qualities. It's a sort of backhanded reference to Brandt/Thief's duality. -Chimera]
[And yes, Alair's right about the Greek myth. Though the snake is often a 'dragon's tail'. And it breathes fire. It's sort of a grab-bag monster. -Chimera]
[And you know, I *really* had to fight to keep from writing a fourth-wall-breaking riff here. -t.]
[The sad thing is my first thought on the echidna riff was 'Spiny anteater?' I gotta wonder what the scientist that named them was thinking. -Cosmos]
> whilst others are simply
> un-describle
SHERL: So they couldn't fly?
ALAIR: You're thinking of a dirigible.
SHERL: Killjoy.
> (think your worst nightmare and multiply it by 1000 and
> your not anywhere near it).
MAX: Well, one thousand of me standing naked in front of my eighth grade History class probably doesn't apply here.
ALAIR: Wow. Lovecraft at his best wasn't as descriptively horrifying.
BRANDT: I'm sorry story, but your credibility just went right out the window. There can't be any more than three Eddy Griffins in the world.
SHERL: But what if your worst fear *is* a hybrid snake-man-dog?
ONIKO: You be better of not playing Contra: Shattered Soldier.
>
> When the meal was ready there was the call of " do you smeeellla what
> the doc.... is cookin'",
VIPER: Hulk...oh, sorry, *Hollywood* Hogan is better.
[Beat.]
[ONIKO pummels VIPER.]
VIPER <dazed>: ...suPeRFlY JoHNson iS A gOOd naMe FoR a BlaCK MaN...
[*WHUMP*]
> "That was the best meal I ever had!
VIPER: So he ate beforehand. Smart guy.
> no
> offence, Sasami." said Tenchi, Sasami's reply was
ALAIR: -to sniffle and run from the room, crying her eyes out.
BRANDT <singing>: Oooooh, Tokyo...they got some sake and sasami and some hot sheets, and kimoooono...
> "none taken,
> because it was the best I ever had,too!",
THIEF: I'd chip in a comment here about how she's only saying that because she's never had me, but I don't do kids that young.
[ALL breathe a sigh of relief.]
THIEF: Mostly I just rotisserie them until a nice golden brown, painting them with a light white wine, butter, and Creole sauce, and-
-->ALAIR: ONIKO, STOP TAKING NOTES!
-->ONIKO: Hey, you subsist on popcorn and circus peanuts for a few days and see how well you resist gourmet cannibalism!
NEW-->[Insert appropriate punishment from Lance, once the setting is worked out.]
[Okay, time for me to be squeamish. Aside from the fact that the one consistent comment I hear from people who've read this is that Thief is sicker than anything the fic comes up with, and I'm not sure that's something we should aspire to, does anyone really think it'd be in-character for Oniko, even overdosed on junk food, to seriously contemplate eating small children? -Cosmos]
> then Mihoshi asked "what
> was the different types of food did we have again?",
BRANDT <Mihoshi>: I couldn't tell the difference between dishes.
MAX: Additional writing by B. Daravon.
> before Adam had
> chance to reply Ryoko answered: "brains with sheeps guts boiled
> in...,
ONIKO <Peter Puppy>: Mmm, this is great! What is it?
VIPER <Earthworm Jim>: Says here it's "haggis," and it's...
ONIKO <Peter Puppy, looking queasy>: ...the heart, lungs and liver of a sheep boiled in it's own stomach.
ALAIR: Hey, you'd like that, wouldn't you Brandt?
BRANDT: ...why would you say that?
ALAIR: Well, you're wearing that kilt, you're Scottish, right?
[BRANDT looks down at his wrap, made of the popped Sherly Temple parade balloon cluelessly. He struggles to think of where the hell he got it...]
BRANDT: ...that must be it. Yeah! I'm Scottish, me laddies!
MAX <facepalming>: Damn you, Alair.
> Mihoshi suddenly turned very green, then Adam said: "We had a
> chilli con carni, then lemon grass chicken, plaice fillets with koi
> and fish stock spiced with a secret blend of spices".
-->VIPER: And by "secret blend of spices" we mean "Cavenders".
MAX <Tenchi>: Koi? I was raising those to be champions, you bastard!
ONIKO: PEOPLE!! THE SECRET INGREDIENT IS PEEEEEEEEOPLE!!!
THIEF: So how does it taste?
[ONIKO shrugs.]
ONIKO: It varies from person to person.
[Of course, after my little rant there's a whole string of cannibalism jokes. [facepalm] This one, I'm inclined to let slide, since it's more obviously a joke. Someone will let me know if I turn into the PC police, won't they? -Cosmos]
> Mihoshi changed
> back to her natural skin tone
VIPER <Kiyone>: Huh. Purple. Who knew?
> as Adam looked at Ryoko and she just
> smiled sweetly
THIEF: DON'T GIVE INTO THE AURA OF SMOOTH, RYOKO! At least, y'know, not until I meet you.
> and layed a hand on his knee which he swept off in a
> split second much to Ryoko's surprise at such speed.
ALAIR: Too sexy for Tenchi's girls, I see.
MAX <Adam>: No touchee. Girls are ickieee...
> Then his watch
> started to beep,
MOVED-->MAX: What do you know, he has a virgin alarm.
BRANDT <Alpha 5, bad Scottish accent>: Rangers, a monster is attacking the park!
ONIKO <Adam, elderly>: ACK! NURSE, QUICK! I'M BEING *WATCHED*!
> at this he stood up walked out side and watched as a
> huge ship de-cloaked in front of him.
ONIKO: I see the Second Death's Nightcloak function is still faulty.
THIEF <Ship>: Woohoo!
VIPER: Anime harem flashed by alien mothership, film at eleven.
SHERL: Because the Romulans are smart enough to ask for directions.
-->[...or whoever has the cloaking ships. Needs fixes. -OH]
[Romulans, Klingons, whatever. Seems like the Federation was the only one who *didn't* have them. -Cosmos]
>
> chapter 13:
SHERL: Unlucky for some.
> so there you are!
[ONIKO and VIPER speak in unison.]
ONIKO: I didn't do it! It was the one-armed man!
VIPER: I didn't do it! It was the triangle-headed monster!
>
> Suddenly a female voice was heard saying "heads up!",
THIEF <singing, sorta>: -time to die! Heads UP! Time to DIIIIE! Heads up! Heads up!
> Adam looked
> straight up
BRANDT <singing, bad Scottish accent>: Straight up, now tell me, do you really want to love me forever... or am I caught in a hit and run?
> and a very large rucksack with a metal frame strapped to
> it hit him right in the forehead,
ALL <singing>: I wish I would have met you! I wish I would have met you! I'd say nice shot!
> laying him out on the floor.
ALL but SHERL: YES! HIT HIM AGAIN!
SHERL: Comedy!
[He falls out of his seat laughing hysterically, the others stare.]
ALAIR: He's ridiculously powerful, yet goes down with one hit. Sounds like SNK had a hand in this.
[Metal Slug's SGT. ALLEN O'NEIL appears, screams "C'mon, boy!", then throws a grenade at ALAIR before disappearing.]
ALAIR <sooty>: Why do I open my big mouth...
> A few
> hours later when he woke back up he was fine,
ALAIR: You know, just in case you were worried.
SHERL: Don't worry, we weren't.
> he found Washu trying
> to open the bag to see what was in it
SHERL: -only to be bathed in a mysterious golden glow as it opens.
ONIKO: I still think it's Marcellus Wallace's soul.
SHERL: Oh, come on, it's not THAT metaphysical! It's probably just impossibly vast wealth!
THIEF: I still think it's a Planescape-style portal to the Land of Nubile Valkyrie Women.
ONIKO: ...I'll go with that.
> and if she could take it apart
> to see how it works.
MAX: -and the ominous ship just stood there and waited.
ONIKO: Well, it's in the RSF - Royal Space Force, and it's time for space-tea.
BRANDT <slowly, bad Scottish accent>: Is that like regular tea?
ONIKO: ...yes.
> Adam crept up on the unsuspecting Washu and
> tapped her lightly on the shoulder,
BRANDT <bad Scottish accent>: What kind of fluid do you get out of a Washu-keg?
> this had a devastating effect on
> her as
SHERL: ...the uber-munchkin knocked off her arm, forgetting his own strength.
ONIKO <Cyborg>: Now, thanks to them, I'm currently *left-handed!*
> her jumped over the bag in a sitting position. "Don't you
> know curiosity kiled the cat?" said Adam to a terrified Washu,
ALAIR <Washu, terrified>: No! Not Mr. Boots! Anything but that!
[MAX clutches his clamp, looking angry.]
MAX: This grammar makes me want to hurt things.
[OTHERS ignore him. MAX sweatdrops.]
MAX: ...no respect.
VIPER <Clamps> Clamp!
> who
> stammered "l..l...lucky f..f..for m..me I'm not a cat" recovering
> with every word.
ALAIR: Given what we know of this guy's powers I wouldn't be surprised if he could turn her into one.
BRANDT <Washu, bad Scottish accent, small>: Please don't hurt me.
> "if your so eager then I will show you, anyway did
> you try to get a sample while I was out?" Washu just blushed and
> answered " yes, but I couldn't get your buttons open.",
VIPER: Of course, only a dork like this would wear button-fly jeans.
MAX <angry>: Washu... standards, girl!
ONIKO <Adam>: I knew I had to keep my genitals under lock & key.
> at this
> Adam just looked as he normally does,
ALAIR: -monumentally stupid.
MAX: -disgustingly munchkin.
THIEF: -delightfully rapeable.
[ALL inch away from THIEF.]
> blank.
VIPER: This may be the first time the author wrote something believable.
ONIKO: And I thought as I normally did, blank. Blankety blanking blank blank son of a blank.
SHERL <Adam>: I spent five XP on Zen no Mind, and I'm damn well going to use it.
>
> After Adam opened the bag with no effort at all
BRANDT <bad Scottish accent>: I'm reminded of the sort of guy who tries to look suave and tough after opening up a stubborn jar of mayonnaise.
[VIPER <Mike Nelson> mimes trying to open a stuck zipper on an imaginary bag, fake crying noisily.]
> he emptyed the
> contents on to the floor, out came: two swords, a double barreled
> mini rocket launcher,
SHERL: Wonderful. More blatant Mary Suing. Think I'll take a nap... wake me, would you?
THIEF: Not a problem. [unzips his pants]
SHERL <wide-eyed>: Uh... on second thought, I think I'll catch up on my caffeine intake.
> a sinper rifle that needed to be assembled, a
> dessert eagle handgun,
THIEF: Mmmmm. Bald eagle pie.
> a dozen boxes of explosive ammo and a dozen of
> splinter ammo for the dessert eagle
ONIKO: Sounds like the contents of the Chosen One's car trunk, thus far.
> a laptop with zip drive and
> cd-rom drive, a bag full of potions and vials and
ONIKO: -viagra.
VIPER: The Amazing +10 Platinum Bag of Holding!
> other items, a
> miniture strange looking motorbike, what look like an army of toy
> monsters,
SHERL: Separated into groups of right-wing death-monger soldiers and hippie tree hugging monsters.
> a copy of the Tenchi Muyo! encyclopedia, a copy of the
> Anime compaion, copys of the graphic novels: Samurai space opera and
> Magical girl pretty Sammy,
BRANDT <bad Scottish accent>: Uh, it's not THAT complex a show, Adam... just remember not to get between any woman and Tenchi, or between Tenchi and any villain, or between the cabbit and the carrot field, and you'll probably come out of this without more than three or four pints of blood lost. Assuming you don't annoy Ryoko.
ONIKO: You forget that Adam is a moron.
[BRANDT facepalms.]
> a floppy disk with 'Tenchi fanfics'
> written on it,
ALAIR <eyeing ONIKO>: Looks like we aren't the only ones trying to break the fourth wall.
ONIKO: ...and knowing it exists is half the breaking!
SHERL: That's implying that there's enough *good* fanfiction to fill a floppy disk.
> a black pokeball and finally a Playstation with a
> huge range of games covering every genre (rpg, fighting, racing,
> shooting, etc.).
ALAIR: And, lest we forget, the obligatory partridge in a pear tree.
MAX: He stole that bag from Simon Belmont, didn't he?
ONIKO: Either that or from Fritz Fraundorf's Neko.
VIPER: ...or he got eaten by a snake at the snake crossing while we weren't looking. Therefore, if he's smart enough to figure out how to make the syrup of ipecac - which I doubt - he'll lose all of this swag when he gets thrown up and falls down into the quicksand. Damn newb.
>
> It was then that the attack started .
BRANDT <bad Scottish accent>: And now we can all see how incredibly useful an encyclopedia and PSX are against orbit-to-ground tacnukes.
ONIKO: Uh, Brandt... I guess I should really tell you. You're not Scottish.
BRANDT <normal>: I'm not? So how did I get this pseudo-kilt and this red cape? For that matter, the sleeves got torn off my dress shirt, and my hair'sa mess!
ONIKO: Uh...
MAX <quickly>: You were doing your impersonation of how the movie 'Akira' might've come out if it had taken place in Neo-Aberdeen!
BRANDT: ...oh.
MAX: And then you were gonna get a tight black undershirt, cut your hair short, and enter the '98 King of Fighters tournament as Chris!
BRANDT: Gah! [hurriedly throws away his Mountain Dew] I knew this sinful brew would come back to haunt me! Away with thee!
>
> chapter 14: time to attack!
ONIKO <singing>: Watching you... floodlights seal your fate... shallow breath, quick pulse, navigate...
VIPER <Harry Secombe>: Now, here is my plan of attack. [Holds up a nail.]
ONIKO <Spike Milligan>: Looks like a nail.
VIPER <Harry Secombe>: No, it's a tack. Bah hah hah HAH!
>
> The first wave consisted of mostly the snake/dog/man cross stroming
ONIKO <singing>: -my pain with his fingers, singing my life with his words, killing me softly with hi-
[ONIKO takes a direct hit from a rocket-propelled grenade, exploding in a shower of decoder rings.]
LANCE <over intercom>: Was that soft enough for you?
> the house, the furthest they got was the windows, as Adam had sensed
> them coming and with that he sped around the house leaving clones,
BRANDT: Dressed as stormtroopers?
VIPER <Adam as Wally>: I've decided to reproduce by asexual cell division.
ALAIR <Tenchi as Dilbert>: I didn't realize that was an option.
> they lack his powers but they have his intellegance and fighting
> skills, to defend it from the invaders.
ALAIR: So, uh, pushovers, then.
VIPER <Robot Elder>: Can he really do that or did we just make that up?
> Then everyone noticed that he
> house was surrounded by the enemy,
BRANDT <bad Scottish accent, reciting>: It would be nice/in any case,/to someday meet you/face to face/walking down/the road to hell...
MAX <singing>: Listen now you little man, I'm not the one tryin' to change you...
ONIKO <singing>: I faced a fear of mine and shivered but didn't blink...
SHERL <singing>: Ooh, what'cha gonna now, what'cha gonna do, when the rhythm comes kickin' you...
THIEF <singing>: [snarls, spitting] One day the sun will die and the night will crawl. Until then, until I see your world implode... I wish you death and suffering! Misery! DESPAIR!
ALAIR: [whimpers] The bad man is scaring me...
ONIKO: [pats her arm] He scares all of us, honey.
> Yosho was on his way to see why
> Tenchi was late for pratice, "wouldn't be surprised if it was the
> girls who were keeping him away, I wonder...",
MAX <Yosho>: Well, now that I think about it; he's been spending so much time with that Kaworu boy...
> his mind wondered,
> then it snapped back in place
BRANDT <Gord>: This mind is sexy and I can fit twice as many in the skull, but I'm not sure about if it'll keep the mind from being bent.
MAX <friend>: Ya, I see what you mean, all it takes is someone to do this and...
[*SNAP!*]
> when he saw the house surrounded by
> strange monsters and he was suddenly astouned
ALAIR: I don't suppose somebody could tell me what the hell 'astouned' means?
BRANDT <pulling out COSMOS' dictionary>: Astouned. As-tow-ned. The state of being in, or in proximity to, or becoming, the country of Astounia.
ALAIR: ...becoming?
BRANDT <putting away COSMOS' dictionary>: Yes. Would you like me to demonstrate?
ALAIR: No! No, that's okay! Really!
> when everyone came out
> of the house like they were surrendering when suddenly....
VIPER: The budget for the episode ran out. Oops.
MAX: Sounds like EVA all over again.
SHERL: DAMN!
MAX: About time. I've been waiting for this for... [checks watch] ... nigh on three seconds now.
>
> Everyone emerged from the house then one of the creatures came forth
> and said
ONIKO <creature>: I am the Demon of Run On Sentences fear me mere mortals for I shall make your sentences go on far too long and it will seem so unnatural and you-
ALAIR <Tenchi>: Don't make me use one of my dozens of power transformations on you, punk.
> "I see that you think resistance is futile and that you will
> be assimilated to become one of us,
MAX <creature>: Too bad we're not the Borg. Prepare to die!
> we will use your bodys for their
> genetic codes
BRANDT <creature> We've got a vast mysterious pyramid on Mars to unlock, puny humans.
> and we will eliminate all weaknesses in your bodies
> while increasing our strengths with your strengths".
ALAIR <Seven of Nine>: Perhaps you should use that instead of "resistance is futile." You may elicit a few volunteers.
> "I didn't say I
> was giving up," said Adam " I don't know about the rest of you but I
> will kick your butt so hard, the next 5 generations are gonna
> bruised!",
ONIKO <Van Damme as Guile>: Eyi'm going to kick your ahss so hard, dee next Bison wannabe is going to feel eet!
-->ALAIR: Aww, the widdle man's talking tough. Isn't he cute?
BRANDT: Darwin and Mendel disproved that quite conclusively, Mister Author!
> and with that Adam took up a fighting stance with the
> strange metallic object held lenghtways
BRANDT <Adam as Nameless>: This weapon will slay even me if I use it in a place outside the bounds of the normal universe!
MAX <creature as Transcended One>: You LIE!
> and two plasma blades came
> out each end, "how do you like my plasma staff, I
MAX <Adam>: -ripped it off from Darth Maul.
BRANDT: Exar Kun.
MAX: Huh?
BRANDT: Exar Kun had a double-bladed lightsaber first. See, before the Sith War-
MAX <exasperated>: Okay! I get it! You're the Fanboy King!
BRANDT: And don't you forget it.
> made it myself.",
ONIKO <Adam>: -learned from the Star Wars Kid.
> Tenchi had Tencikken ready with the blade out, Ryoko had her beam
> sword as did Minagi, Washu stood there with a huge gun,
THIEF <Zardoz>: The gun is good. The penis is evil. The penis shoots seeds, and makes new life, and poisons the earth with a plague of men, as once it was. But the gun shoots death, and purifies the earth of the filth of brutals. Go forth and kill!
[ALL inch further away from THIEF.]
> Mihoshi and
> Kiyone stood with GP shockwave cannons and Ayeka was wearing her
> Juraiain battle suit (see 'we need tenchi' episode #7).
VIPER: ...or Phantasy Star Online, Dreamcast, 2001.
> The battle
> was hard won and it lasted an hour, then the second wave arrived.
ONIKO: ...and for some reason I can just *see* Adam sitting in a chair under a spotlight expositing it to us...
BRANDT: ...yes, but you need help.
FEMALE VOICE FROM RAFTERS: Kare koso kuroi nabe desu, ne?
[ONIKO snickers.]
>
> The second wave was of creatures that looked like the first wave
ONIKO <at the edge of his seat>: Wow! Did they really?
BRANDT: This is so exciting!
SHERL: If you pay close attention, you'd notice that there's only three animations of Adam killing the mutants.
MAX: The rest are just still paintings in the background.
> execpt bulker
BRANDT: 'Execpt Bulker'? I should call George Lucas, I think I've found the perfect name for one of the Jedis in episode 3.
> and there was some other type of creature which looked
> like a baboon
VIPER: Stolen from Umbrella.
> with double jointed arms, an aligator, a frog and it
> was bi-pedal.
ALAIR: Gamma hunters. Also stolen from Umbrella.
ONIKO: With three fingers, birdlike faces except for the horn on their elbows, and the constitutions were those of reptiles and sharks. And they were all very different.
VIPER: I guess *someone* finally got his D.E.L.T.A. Invasion random Invador generator...
> Adam and the others flew through the creatures that
> looked like the first wave but made a terrible discovery
ONIKO: -that when you turn one of their heads, it gets an erection! That's when Marylin Quayle bought one...
> when they
> attacked the of the creatures, they can split in two!
BRANDT: So... Israfel wannabes then?
VIPER: Keep shooting them. They'll break into two smaller creatures, sure, but when you shoot *them* they disappear!
> "SHIT!" yelled
> Ryoko when a creature did this and surrounded her,
THIEF: Ooh! Ryoko sandwich! Sign me up!
SHERL: Oh, that is NOT what they mea-
> both Adam and
> Tenchi shot over and took one side each,
THIEF: Hehehe.
SHERL: Jerk.
> soon there were little
> chunks where the creature was and standing there was Adam and Tenchi
> was shaking hands.
ALAIR: Washu's an idiot, Ryoko's helpless, Kiyone's in love with the SI, and Ayeka keeps falling into the background like it was made of quicksand. This is not a good day for Girl Power.
ONIKO: This guy makes Tom Dyron look like Gloria Steinem.
> Soon however this battle was over and the ground
> shook as one HUGE creature with six arms came out
SHERL: Ashura?
ONIKO: Bhudda?
BRANDT: Kali!? I told you that we're not going out anymore!
VIPER: Giant Killer Mutant Horse Fly?
MAX <Earthworm Jim, lovingly>: Dave Perry.
> and just his voice
> shook the ground, he spoke and said: "SO YOU HAVE DEFEATED MY SQUAD
> LETS SEE IF YOU CAN BEAT ME!!!",
ONIKO: Well, probably, yeah. I mean, they beat your squad, right?
ALAIR: Look out, he's going to CRUSH them with CAPITAL LETTERS!
VIPER: CAPTAIN CAPSLOCK! No!
SHERL: If this thing is so big and bad and undefeatable, why didn't he come out first? Isn't that in the Overlord list?
NEW-->[ONIKO and BRANDT wince.]
NEW-->ONIKO: Actually, some people have a surprisingly difficult time following that list.
[I think we need to keep the Overlord list riff, but someone needs to smack Sherl for reminding them of Episode 2. -t.]
[Oniko and Brandt were the only ones there, so... -Cosmos]
> everybody attacked at once and every
> attack that hit did nothing,
ONIKO: ...this is *so* Zor.
VIPER: GODDAMNIT! NO IT IS-
ALT-->[*BOOM*]
VIPER <after landing>: ...n't.
ALT-->[*BOOM*]
[EVERYONE winces, then salutes.]
-->[Erm. I didn't know about this riff when I wrote that earlier line. Honest.]
-->[Same here. - General.]
[Should make this sound effect 'boom', the more accepted explosion sound effect. If we are going to make a Zor riff, I suggest this one. -Chimera]
[The only problem is that all the previous Zor riffs have been deleted. Although we could put one or two of them back if we really wanted to. -Cosmos]
> and he managed to deflectect most
> attacks,
ALAIR <brightly>: He deflectected them, you say?
-->THIEF: Then he went on his computer and where he defecatated out this story.
VIPER <strangely fine>: Parrying's so abuseable in Third Strike...
> he soon how ever turned the tide of the battle and
> everytime he struck it would connect with someone.
THIEF <Loki>: Find some man, or some woman, to connect with, even for just a moment!
ONIKO <deep, ominous voice>: His enemies will know true fear...once he starts to swing...
>
> chapter 16: we need...A break
ONIKO: Yes we do.
LANCE <over intercom>: Tell someone who cares.
MOVED-->SHERL <singing>: Break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar...
>
> Thats it, now I'm pissed off!, your gonna die you son of a bitch!"
> yelled Adam when he saw what was happening to Ryoko, she was being
> crushed in his hand like she was fresh air
MAX: Can't she turn intangible, teleport away, something?
SHERL <Adam>: No.
ALAIR: See, it's easier to crush them if they're like Fresh Air, because if they were like All Things Considered they'd be too dense.
> and Adam saw that in his
> other hands were Minagi, Washu, Sasami, Kiyone and Mihoshi.
ALAIR: Ayeka, meanwhile, was off in the house writing the Great Jurian Novel.
MAX <Ayeka>: [makes typing motions with his hands] The Ignoble, Humiliating, and Most Excruciatingly Painful Demise of Adam... [normal] Hmm, I like it!
SHERL <Adam>: Well, it's down to me now.
BRANDT <Tenchi>: Um, I'm still here...
VIPER <Yosho>: Excuse me, I couldn't help but hear the ruckus. Do you need help?
ALAIR <hundreds of Adams>: Hey, is that battle still going on outside?
SHERL <Adam>: Yup, just me and him...
BRANDT <Tenchi>: ...
VIPER <Yosho>: Forget this, I'm gonna go get drunk.
ALAIR <hundreds of Adams>: Hey! Animal House is on cable!
> Adam used
> every weapon he had on his body and they all had no effect, he used
> every fighting style
THIEF <blinking>: Including Ninja Sexcraft? On a six-armed giant holding six nubile girls? ...my admiration for this guy just skyrocketed.
> and none of them worked not even the Hokuto Shin
> Ken style worked or any of the other six Nanto Sei ken styles, he
> even used the forbidden techniques,
ONIKO (shocked): You mean-?
VIPER: Yep. Toungie.
> the Shungokusatsu (also known as
> the raging demon' or the 'hell blink murder')
MAX: "Instant Hell Murder."
ONIKO: Blink and you'll miss it.
VIPER: Wha?
[VIPER blinks. ONIKO is laying in front of the screen in a puddle of his own blood.]
VIPER: [whines] I missed it!
MAX: Hey Oniko, you okay?
ONIKO <from isle>: What are you talking about?
[ALL turn to see ONIKO standing in the isle, unharmed, with a bag of popcorn in his arms.]
ONIKO <from isle>: I just went out into the lobby to get some popcorn.
ALAIR: The doors are *open*?
LANCE <over intercom>: Damnit Pterid, I told you to lock those!
DHP <over intercom>: Sorry boss.
[With a resounding THUD the doors slam shut.]
ALAIR: Damn.
VIPER: But, if you're here... who's that?
ONIKO <sitting down>: My evil twin.
SHERL: You have an evil twin?
ONIKO: Doesn't everybody?
VIPER: [nods at BRANDT] Two halves merged?
ONIKO: ...maybe.
NEW-->[BRANDT looks at them both strangely.]
> and the technique only
> known as 'king fist', both of which can kill the person who executed
> the moves,
ALAIR: Don't tease us with false hope, Author.
ONIKO: SCENE!!
[VIPER and ONIKO jump out of their seats and stand in front of the movie screen, facing each other.]
ONIKO <mouth not matching his words>: So now... you wish to learn the techniques... of the King Fist?
VIPER <also with his mouth not matching his words>: Yes, noble sensei! I am ready to learn!
ONIKO: Very well then... behold as I demonstrate to you... the power of King Fist!
[ONIKO turns to the side, pulls his arm back and throws a straight punch.]
ONIKO: BARF!
[ONIKO falls over. A beat.]
VIPER: Does this mean my tuition fees are going to be refunded?
ONIKO: END SCENE!
[VIPER and ONIKO go back to their seats.]
> he used the 'hudred crack fist', the 'lone eagle fist' and
ONIKO: The rubber band fist.
[VIPER plays the 'Rubber Band' theme with clever lip management.]
> the 'waterfowl fist' which cut Ryokos favorite green and pink dress
> (the one with the tail)
MAX: As opposed to the one with the peacock feathers, naturally.
> which really stressed Ryoko
BRANDT: ...as opposed to how she's being slowly, horribly crushed to death within a giant fist?
ALAIR: Of course not. She can just get the blood dry-cleaned out, but the TEARS...
> and she started
> to hurl abuse to Adam,
ALAIR <Ryoko as Frenchman>: I ought to sell your eyes to my angry sister!
> who as always took it in his stride and simply
> replied
THIEF <Adam as Mr. Blonde>: Are you gonna bark all day, little doggy, or are you gonna bite?
> ; " be thankful it didn't hit you properly or you would of
> fallen into thousands pieces by now" this soon shut Ryoko up.
ALAIR: Actually, it was the blackjack to the back of the head that did it, but let's not argue the semantics.
MAX: Well, as long as you manage to sneak up on them unalerted you can blackjack them to the rear end, and they'll still fold up.
>
> "HAVE YOU FINISHED YET? ARE YOU READY TO ACCEPT DEATH?" said the
> creature to Adam, who propmtly
MAX: Propmtly? Is this an adjective to describe Carrot Top's comedic style?
> answered "fuck you!" "VERY WELL THEN,
THIEF <Creature>: PREPARE THE LUBE.
> YOU WILL DIE NOW!" said the creature raising his foot, and stepping
> on Adam there was a sickening chrunch as blood flowed from under the
> colossal foot.
THIEF <breathless>: HNNN! Oh yeah. Spontaneous orgasm material, baby.
VIPER <Onslaught>: BEHOLD MY MIGHTY FOOT!
ALL (singing): Ding dong, the Mary-Sue is dead!
LANCE <over intercom>: Dream on, painbait.
Posted on Dec 30, 2003, 10:48 PM from IP address 12.73.129.9