==>VIPER: Quoth the Phoenix, "Sweet mother of God, I'M *BURNING*! AAAAAGH!"
ALAIR <singing>: She's just a little girl with power inside, burning bright!
ONIKO <Brian Potter>: I tell you Jerry we're going ta turn this place around.
MAX: If we're lucky, it'll be Dark Phoenix.
BRANDT: He'll probably just reform her then date her while Cyclops just sits around and twiddles his thumbs.
-->[ ...That was awful. If anyone can do a better Phoenix Nights reference, please be my guest. - Idiotbox]
>
> "I have some good news concerning Hiwa
BRANDT <Tenchi>: You mean Sasami already used the power of Tsunami to save Hiwa's life?
VIPER <Adam>: Pester me not with your canon!
> & unfortunatly I also have
> some bad news" said Adam when Tenchi asked him when everyone had gone
> to bed.
MAX <Adam>: I sold all your beds for crack money.
[ALL make distant thumping noises with their feet.]
ONIKO <Adam>: You think those battle scenes come *naturally*?
> Then Sasami walked past holding the soft toy of a cute little
> dinosaur
SHERL: Barney!
ALAIR: Kill it!
[Various random objects get thrown at the screen.]
> that Adam gave her, "well I want the bad news first"
THIEF <Adam>: It turns out that Jaraians reproduce asexually.
MAX <Tenchi>: Dear God NOOO!
> said
> Tenchi when Sasami was gone " We might need to go on a quest
-->BRANDT: So Adam's taking them on traditional RPG adventure.
-->[OR]
BRANDT <Tenchi>: Feh. Just put it on my 'Assigned Quest' screen, I'll get to it as soon as I slay Duriel.
> & what we bring back might not work but that will be a last reserve after I
> try a few other things,
BRANDT <Tenchi>: Like what? Hunting down the Antlion to get the Sandruby?
VIPER <Tenchi>: Or giving her a transfusion of blood from Bruce Banner, the Sorceress of Grey Skull, or Wolverine?
FIXED-->ONIKO <Tenchi>: Or journeying on a cross-country multi-dimensional road trip with a Wulf the werewolf to find the cancer-curing orb in the Territories?
ALAIR <Tenchi>: Or pouring Research Points into it until a Galactic News Network feature tells us the plague is over?
SHERL <Tenchi>: Or the experimental vaccine you created with knowledge from the Tacitus which may just reverse the Divination?
MAX <Tenchi>: Or should we just sell the hamster and keep clicking the bed to make her rest, even if the Sleep Need bar is completely green?
THIEF <Adam>: Well, uh, actually, I've read that a regular dose of sperm DOES contribute to better health and happiness...
> I just hope we don't have to go on the quest
> because..."
SHERL <Adam>: ...the "Combat_Twink" module in my tuxedo is broken.
ALAIR: So... they're going out on the quest so they have a last resort to turn to in case whatever else it is Adam is thinking of doesn't work, but he just hopes that they don't *have* to go out on this quest...
[ALAIR trails off, clutching her head and whimpering.]
> Adam trailed off looking grim, "if I could see his face
> he would look really depressed" thought Tenchi.
VIPER <Tenchi>: Then I'd have to get the teasing stick out again...
ALAIR: So how's he looking grim if they can't see his face?
SHERL: His chest has expressions.
> "the good news is that
MAX <Adam>: -you get to spend the next few days with me while I fix all this.
ONIKO <Tenchi>: Damn you, I said the GOOD NEWS first!
> I have several ways that may work but if they don't or
> if Hiwa is allergic we're in deep shit,
FIXED-->SHERL <Adam>: -because then she won't be able to handle the drug that kills the alien parasites within.
-->MAX: Because all allergic reactions are fatal.
FIXED-->ONIKO <Adam>: -because he's keeping all the Allegra for himself, damnit! You wouldn't believe the buzz you get from them!
FIXED-->THIEF <Adam>: -because it's THAT kind of allergic reaction.
> especially if shes allergic".
MAX <Tenchi>: Okay, about the quest... will it be long and pointless, consisting of several crossovers that wouldn't mesh save in the dreams of madmen?
BRANDT <Adam>: Yes.
-->[MAX <Tenchi> sighs.]
MAX <Tenchi>: [sighs] Let me get my coat...
>
> Adam spent the next few days trying everything he could but none of
> it was working,
THIEF: Goddamn lazy cures. They're probably Mexican.
[ALL blink.]
VIPER: Well, that was unprovoked.
THIEF: That's part of my charm. That and the huge penis. Well, mainly that, actually.
VIPER: Riiiight.
> Adam almost admitted defeat but
MAX: -he's a Mary Sue, meaning he's too stubborn and stupid to admit defeat.
> then he realised what he could try,
ALAIR: Pulling another munchkin power out of his ass?
> Vampires blood has amazing healing
> proertys,
VIPER: -but a really nasty aftertaste.
> & he was half vampire plus he already had a rapid healing ability
> before he was bitten,
MAX: But he's a half-vampire.
SHERL: And?
MAX: ... how the hell did he end up a half-vampire if he was bitten?!
BRANDT: He decided that this way he'd get the stat bonuses and avoid critical weakness - sunlight.
> & he also drank someones blood which had the healing
> propertys &
BRANDT: -he had The Magical Girdle of +3 Healing!
> it sped his healing up,
MOVED-->SHERL: The victim didn't do as well, though.
ALAIR: My mistake, he pulled *several* munchkin powers out of his ass.
-->VIPER: He didn't happen to have an adamantium skeleton as well, did he?
MAX: So, to find Adam's healing rate it's his already rapid rate before he was bitten, times whatever vampirism gave him, times that of the unnamed someone with "the healing propertys", plus twice his THACO-
BRANDT: Plus the Magical Girdle of +3 Healing.
MAX: Wait, I thought you were the one who mentioned that?
BRANDT: Do you suppose there's any chance he doesn't have it?
MAX: Point... Plus the Magical Girdle of +3 Healing, plus-
ONIKO <screams, clutches head>: AHHH! THE HEALING! THE HEALING IS GNAWING AT MY BRAIN!!
ALAIR: What?
ONIKO <normal>: What?
ALAIR: Huh?
ONIKO: Pardon?
ALAIR: ...
> so he decided to gather his
> friends
THIEF: Yeah, this'll take all of half a second. [eyeroll]
> with healing abilitys & draw blood from them & himself, mix
> it
ONIKO: If this turns out to be the recipe for 'bloodwyne', I'm leaving.
> & inject Hiwa.
BRANDT: That plan's so crazy it just might work.
ALAIR: No it isn't.
-->SHERL: Because obviously, everyone here has the same blood type. Damnit.
-->[OR]
SHERL: So he was afraid she was allergic to blood?
> He told Hiwa the plan, when she heard him say that
> he was half vampire she got very scared but then she calmed down &
> agreed to have it done,
MAX: I would have laughed.
VIPER <Hiwa>: I can buy a *new* neck! [Giggles.]
> but first Adam needed a sample of her blood &
> she was blood type o
VIPER: -h My God Don't Get Those Fangs Anywhere Near Me.
MAX: You know, I think I can safely say we're ALL that blood type.
> , & this is the blood type that mixes with any
> other.
ALAIR: Actually, Mister Author, Type Os can donate blood to other blood types but they can only receive blood from other Type Os. And even if they are donating it the antigens have to be removed from the plasma.
ONIKO: But is she type O negative?
SHERL: What if she is?
ONIKO: In that case she's going to need an angst transplant as well.
-->[That line really needs a goth music reference to finish it off. -Idiotbox]
[Also figured that this line made Sherl's complaint about the 'same blood type' above rather redundant. And I already referred to a Type O Negative song, believe it or not. -Chimera]
> So the next day Adam set off on his quest for blood
VIPER <Maggie>: MWAHAHAHA! I NEED BLOOD.
> & sent the
> others on a quest in a different world for a Phoenix Feather.
-->MAX: Quest for blood?
-->ONIKO: Don't walk the streets at night!
ALAIR <Tenchi>: I must find a Phoenix Down!
SHERL <Shopkeeper>: That'll be 1500 Gil please.
ALAIR <Tenchi>: Let's see... 1300, 1400, 1450, and 1500! Wow, that was a lot easier than I expected.
VIPER: Unfortunately, it came with a disclaimer saying it wouldn't work on people killed during story sequences.
BRANDT: Except for Auron, but Yuna sends him no matter how many you use.
ONIKO: He was in his mid-thirties in an RPG. It was either the Farplane or the nursing home for him.
-->[What IS it with RPGs and having the hero be like incredibly young? And don't even ask about Brandt, it's no fair pointing out my hypocrisy. -Chimera]
> Adam
> Visited Woverine from the x-men & got a sample of blood & a date with
> Rogue,
ONIKO: Damnit story, *warn* us when you're gonna do that!
-->MAX: ...die! Die, die, die!
ALAIR: Of course, Rogue probably goes into shock from touching him. Then again, who can blame her?
SHERL: Shortly thereafter Adam received a lesson in long-distance running from Gambit...
> then he visited Morrigan & Lilth for blood, they was glad to
> give him some in return for a kiss,
MAX: Which killed him so he could guard the artifact.
ALAIR: Good chocolate's so hard to find in the Makai.
-->[Might need to be reworked -Sherlock]
> he then met with Demitri for
> blood, Demitri agreed only if he could bite Adam & they struck this
> deal,
ONIKO: AUGH!
VIPER: What's wrong?
ONIKO: Mental image of Demitri Midnight Blissing Adam.
VIPER: Oh. AUGH!
> Adam next went & got blood from Adrian Farinheight Tepes alis
> Alucard
VIPER: Sadly, Alucard had been cut in half by a nine-foot sword.
> in return for an item that Adam reproduced using his watch
VIPER <Adam>: Now, let me see...
[VIPER <Adam> disassembles an analog wrist watch and somehow uses the insides to construct a small drinking bird.]
VIPER <Adam>: Check *this* shit out, man. It goes in for a drink, goes back up, AND KEEPS ON COMING BACK FOR MORE.
ALAIR <Alucard>: ...give me back my rubber duckie.
DHP <over intercom>: Hey! What happened to my watch?
> Then it was off to meet with Tenchi & the gang,
MAX: [tisks] I knew it was bad for Tenchi to move to the big city, getting involved with gangs...
BRANDT <happily>: But that means he's going to learn to dance in a group and spontaneously sing about his problems, and-
SHERL: Uh, Brandt, West Side Story isn't an accurate portrayal of gang life.
BRANDT <blinking>: ...it's not?
> When he met up with
> them they was attacked by a strange bug that
ALAIR: -had a golden shell with a skull design formed from three black dots on its back.
MAX: -froze the game and corrupted his save files.
BRANDT: -claimed to actually be Regent Cid, of all things.
> had a jaw made of three mandibles & a pair of wings,
ALAIR: ...the jaw had a pair of wings?
ONIKO: You heard the author.
> this was soon defeated
MAX: Lazy Author, Return of the Thrilling Omitted Scene!
SHERL: You know, if a fight scene takes less time to finish up than it did to describe the creature that the characters are fighting, you've got serious problems.
BRANDT: Well, there aren't many enemies that can survive a hit from a weapon with Stonestrike *and* Deathstrike.
> & they soon got
> to the Phoenix's lair, when they found the Phoenix it was being
> attacked by a very large monster with 4 heads,
BRANDT: Well I'd be slightly disturbed if it DIDN'T have a 4-head. Gleep!
[BRANDT dives out of the way as a quick burst of machine gun fire shreds his seat.]
> each with a symbol of
> an element,
VIPER: And it obeyed the ideal gas law!
ONIKO: You lie! Nothing obeys the ideal gas law!
VIPER: But this does. Wooohohohohohoho!
> Adam was the first to attack
ALL: Shock.
> by taking out a small black
> ball which soon grew in size & he threw it at the monster & said "Go!
> Pikame"
VIPER: No pick me! ME!
-->MAX: Right, add Pokemon Master to the amazing powers resume.
ALAIR: And note that it's black. Very, very black.
BRANDT: We don't know why everything he keeps is black. Maybe he thinks it's his color?
ONIKO <K'>: Tekagen nashi da... Kuro da! Makuro!
> & out of the ball sprung a golden Pikachu,
ALAIR: Huh. Looks like someone completed mission mode.
> Adam then said
> "Sarah, Attack!" & with that a mouse came out of his breast pocket
SHERL: -and scampered away as quickly as possible.
ONIKO: Actually, he made his escape on a toy motorcycle.
FIXED-->BRANDT <Adam>: Darn it, she has my last Tic-Tac!
> &
> jumped to the floor & before it hit the ground it became a wolf that
> was twice the size of a normal one, & it flew at the beast
ALAIR: -despite the lack of wings, despite the fact that no way could a wolf of any size ever survive more than half a second inbetween a badguy and an angry Tenchi Team...
> biting &
> clawing, "Pikame, transform into Mewtwo & use pyshco-beam".
ALL: Psycho-beam?!
BRANDT: Since when can a Pikachu evolve into a Mewtwo?
SHERL: Boy, this bastard can break both the laws of physics AND logic.
ONIKO <Adam>: 'An you, Tenshi. Get me anodder beer!
ALAIR <Ayeka>: Adam, should you really be writing when you're-
ONIKO <Adam>: I always write best when I've had a few... drinkie poos. Now, c'mon! We're gonna fight anodder monster!
MAX: ... I think you might be on to something, here.
[OR, from 'AND logic.']
BRANDT: Yeah! Lillith can only transform into Mewtwo, and then only when Gendo Ikari shoots Milly Thompson, making her fall into the LCL! Such a sweet evil scientist, too...
[Long silence. Suddenly MAX's head explodes like a tomato hooked to an air compressor. After a long moment, BRANDT's eyes blink open from the pile of blood and brains which cover him.]
VIPER: Cleanup in aisle four!
BRANDT <quietly>: I knew there was SOMETHING I wasn't supposed to talk about, but I couldn't remember...
PHIL <appearing suddenly>: Don't worry, Phil will help Max to walk it off.
[PHIL picks up MAX's headless corpse and walks it out of the theater, leaving the other riffers coated in blood.]
[Damn. That would be a great place for one of those "I just fried Max's brain" crossover anime lines. The simple fact that Brandt isn't affected by this Pokemutation should be enough, however. -t.]
[Well, I could give it a shot. See what you think of this... I wonder if he'll want to add this into the whole Neon Genesis Pokemon commercial, though... -Chimera]
> Then the
> others sprung into action.
BRANDT: Somebody here forgot to put some points into Celerity. I'm not naming names here, but...
-->ALAIR: Being people other than Adam, however, they will not be receiving any narrative text. Or names.
FIXED-->VIPER: But rest assured, Mel still kicked some ass.
> the battle between Adam & the others
> against the beast raged for hour when they
ONIKO: "They," meaning "Adam and all his clones," right?
> finally slayed it, Adam
> checked the Phoenix to find it was dying,
BRANDT: That's why you have to cut through the Garcias faster if you want the singing mutant to give you the passcode into the harbormaster's safe!
> Adam decided to try & heal
> the creature by using fire magic but it just turned the Phoenix to
> ashes.
VIPER: Tiny cities made of them, no less.
SHERL <Adam>: No absorption? Not even any reduced damage? What kind of backwards battle system *is* this?
-->[ALAIR opens a bottle of Coke.]
> "well that was clever! there goes Hiwa's chance up in ashes,
[A bomb goes off beneath the screen. A beat. Muttering is heard over the intercom as a new screen replaces the old one.]
> now what if that plan with the blood goes wrong?" said Ryoko,
NEW-->[PHIL, whistling under his breath, walks in. He dumps a perfectly healthy MAX back into his seat, his clothes pressed and cleaned. PHIL wanders back out of the theater.]
NEW-->BRANDT: Gah! Max, are you okay?
NEW-->MAX: Hm? Why do you ask?
NEW-->VIPER: Well, you kind of underwent a Level 3 Head Explody event.
NEW-->MAX <casually>: Oh, THAT. Nah, I'm cool. Pass the milk duds.
[Course, kill this if we don't use the Head Explody. -Chimera]
> &
> almost on cue the Phoenix was reborn from the ashes,
ALAIR: -five hundred years later.
MAX <Adam>: Oops. Forgot about that part.
-->VIPER: Because that's what the Phoenix does! Thank you, Mythology 101!
> & it spoke
> "Thank you for ending my misery & defeating that creature, now bring
> your friend forward so that I may help you for helping me"
VIPER <Crewman>: Help me help *you*!
> & with
> that Hiwa walked forward
ALAIR: [twitches] Hiwa's been here the whole time?
ONIKO: Apparently.
ALAIR: Okay, they didn't say *what* she was dying of, but she was probably hospitalized for a reason, and they drag her along with them as they go on this so called quest and fight monsters for hours?
ONIKO: Look, I'm being forced to read this too.
ALAIR: The minute I get out of here...
> & Phoenix spoke again "don't be afraid child
> for I won't hurt you"
MAX: -much.
ONIKO: I just had an epiphany.
VIPER: Yeah?
ONIKO: And something just occurred to me.
[a beat]
FIXED-->ONIKO: Why the *charbroiled fuck* is there a *Phoenix* in this story?
NEW-->LANCE <over intercom>: Rrrr! Ready the Eyepokers, my minion!
NEW-->DHP <over intercom>: Readying the Eyepokers, check! Eyepokers are ready!
NEW-->LANCE <over intercom>: Activate Eyepokers on my mark! Mark!
NEW-->DHP <over intercom>: Activating Eyepokers, sir!
NEW-->ONIKO <frowning>: Eyepokers? Hm, I don't know what it is, but I hope it's a present to try to make up for this damn fic-
NEW-->[POKE!]
NEW-->ONIKO: OW! My eyes! My beautiful beautiful Senshi eyes!
-->[Er... shouldn't that be 'why the charbroiled fuck-'? -Chimera]
[And with that comment, using 'charbroiled' and 'phoenix' in the same sentence, shouldn't there be some Mad-level retribution? -t.]
> & with that the Phoenix
BRANDT: -cried over Hiwa, curing her.
ALAIR: Don't even joke about that. I don't want to put up with five more books of this.
> spread its wings & suddenly Hiwa was covered in a bright red glow
VIPER <Phoenix>: I won't hurt you... only REDUCE YOU TO A PILE OF ASH!!
BRANDT <Hiwa>: Mmmmm, toasty!
> & soon after the glow
> faded &
==>THIEF: -she was roasted a nice and even golden brown and smelled simply delicious!
==>[or]
==>ALAIR: -she was roasted a nice and even golden brown and smelled simply delicious!
==>THIEF: Dibs on the white meat!
==>[or]
ALAIR: -she was roasted a nice and even golden brown and smelled simply delicious!
ONIKO <adjusting his new eyepatch>: You really shouldn't do that.
ALAIR: Why?
ONIKO: [points his wand at THIEF] He's drooling.
[Y'know, personally I see Thief as a dark meat kind of guy. -t.]
[Yes, though it probably wouldn't be healthy for someone with his delicate stomach. -Chimera]
> when Adam scaned here using a strange looking block
-->ONIKO: ...called a heartbeat sensor...
-->[OR]
VIPER <Adam>: Man, why didn't I just listen to the Moogle and use a chocobo like everybody else?
ONIKO <Adam>: Well, you're registering on the heartbeat sensor. That's a start.
ALAIR <Adam>: Strange, I keep using the Stud Sensor, and it only points to Tenchi. Must be an error.
BRANDT <Adam>: I'm supposed to have Yellow Clearance to hold this, but what my friend the Computer doesn't know can't hurt m- ACK!
MAX <Adam as Hudson>: Nine meters. Eight!
SHERL <Hiwa as Ripley>: Can't be! That's inside the room!
[I am the master of the sensor riff. It's a very specialized position, but what the hell. -Chimera]
> he said
> she was cured. After they thanked the Phoenix they left for their own
> world & it was then that Ryoko noticed the bite mark healing on
> Adam's neck & the lipstick on his lips.
MAX <muttering>: I guess his date with Demitri went pretty damned well.
SHERL <Comic Shop Guy>: Worst. Hickey. Ever.
>
> chapter 4:the home coming
ALAIR: Oh, look, a float in the shape of a beet.
MAX: Didn't we just read chapter four?
ONIKO: Kind of telling about the whole fic, don't you think?
>
> When everyone got back Ryoko asked Adam to come outside, Adam agreed,
> not realising that the two succubuses had been wearing lipstick,
MAX: Somehow completely hiding all their horrifying features.
THIEF <Persephone>: She wasn't kissing your *face*, love.
> Ryoko was furious at the things she had noticed when they went
> outside, he had two different lipsticks on his lips,
ONIKO <Adam>: Hey honey! This isn't your shade! [laughs obnoxiously]
BRANDT: Talk about thick-headed.
> a bite mark on
> his neck & his clothes were crumpled.
BRANDT: Although, they had just gone off on the whole quest thing and fought a pair of monsters, during which a clothes-crumpling incident would not be inconceivable.
> "So by the looks of things you
> enjoyed getting laid,
-->ONIKO: Does that surprise you?
VIPER: Yeah, like I said, he's a whore.
SHERL <Adam>: I'm modern. I multi-task.
> I mean getting the blood" it was then that it
> dawned on Adam what she had ment,
MAX: 'Dawned' in the sort of arctic six-months-of-night sort of way.
> Rogue had crumpled his clothes by
> hugging him,
THIEF: Yeah, 'hugging'. That's what she'll swear in front of the jury, too.
> Morrigan & Lilith were wearing lipstick & when Demitri
> had bit him he wasn't healing very fast, "look it isn't what it looks
> like,
ALAIR: That's what they all say.
> One vampire agreed to give me blood if I gave him mine & it was a guy,
VIPER <Ryoko>: Oh, I see, well- *What!*
ONIKO: It's even more interesting when you factor in the fact that the whole "bite someone on the neck and drink their blood" thing was originally a euphemism for sex.
> the lipstick is because two female vampires would only give me
> blood if I kissed them
ALAIR: Morrigan is a succubus, Lilith is a split off part of Morrigan's soul which was freed by Jedah and given a temporary physical form made more or less out of ether. Neither one is a vampire, story.
> & my clothes are crumpled because an old flame
> hugged me, oh & if you must know, I'm going out with that old flame
BRANDT: Is it too much to hope that when he goes out with the old flame, he dies like Charmander?
[Long pause.]
LANCE: You know, I get even madder if it takes me a moment to get your puns, you PUNKING BASTARD!
BRANDT: Eep! [quickly hides behind VIPER]
VIPER: Gah! No! Don't get me killed with you-
[VIPER yelps as an anti-tank missile aimed at BRANDT buries itself in VIPER's stomach. Due to his cartoon composition, it fails to detonate, though the jet continues to spew flame.]
VIPER: Oh, this is just great. Now I'm a Roman candle.
> friday!" the last part made Ryoko flinch as if was burned.
VIPER <Ryoko>: It burns! IT BURNS...! [flails]
NEW-->[Beat.]
NEW-->VIPER: [clutching the missile in his stomach] ...No, it really DOES burn! AAAH!
ONIKO <narrator>: This lack of pronouns worried Ryoko.
MAX: And then she jumped up and down on one foot as it caught fire and The Cheat flung a beehive at her.
-->ALAIR: Well, that will teach her to get too close to an old flame.
ONIKO <Kyo>: Moetaro?
-->[Also might need reworking. -Sherlock]
-->[Yeah, I know Viper's line is immature... so's the fic. -Chimera]
> Adam
> apolagized, Ryoko replied: "I'm s.s.s.sorry
ONIKO <Ryoko, singing>: Here's the very sorry song! Won't you help and sing along!
MAX <Adam, singing>: Bum, bum, bum...
-->[There might be some kind of Powerpuff Girls ref here...I don't know what exactly, though.]
> I acted the way I did,
> it was because I...."
ALAIR <Ryoko>: -you know what? I'm not really sure. Hang on, I'll figure it out...
> Ryoko was cut off as a huge ship started to
BRANDT: [Covers eyes] Not another decloaking ship!
> descend. "Holy shit!" excalimed Kiyone when she saw the ship "thats
> the Galoob,
BRANDT: -with the Genie in hot pursuit!
ALAIR: I'm sorry, but it's psychologically impossible to be at all intimidated by the phrase "That's the Galoob!"
> flew by the three most wanted criminals in seven
> universes!
-->MAX: There are seven?
-->BRANDT: Actually, there are nine. They're only second most wanted in the other two.
ALAIR: It's a crime just to fly by criminals here?
-->[Space for a Gunbird 2 reference here maybe?]
> they destroy planets,
VIPER: When did the Death Star get renamed?
BRANDT: Why? I mean, it's kind of one-dimensional to have someone just dedicated to wanton destruction without any sort of personal gain.
ONIKO: Yeah. Not like there's anyone like that around *here,* no sir.
-->[If this is referring to Thief, he does have personal gain - pure, unmitigated pleasure. Hehe. -Chimera]
> shoot first & don't bother to even
> think about asking questions later"
BRANDT: Well, even I think it's a touch pointless to ask questions of the smoldering remains of whatever you used the gatling laser on.
ONIKO: Unless you're asking whether you should use Brawny or Bounty brand paper towels to clean up, I guess.
> "thats bad isn't it?" asked
> Mihoshi, to which Adam replied
VIPER <Adam>: -are you... blonde, or something?
> "yes, exetremely bad" as he walked
> into the room with Ryoko "so what will we do?" asked Ayeka "well I
> think we should get more info on these scum" replied Adam with a
> glint in his eye.
ALAIR <Adam>: -for their evil is unforgivable!
-->[For future reference, is this supposed to be *in*forgivable? -Cosmos]
-->[Doubtful, considering of the people around here. -Chimera]
>
> "captin, we're Ready to dis-embark" said Duke "good, bring our guest
> out of cold storage
THIEF: If this turns out to be Shitkicker and he starts following the beacons Rat planted as she was carried into the hive, this might get a WHOLE lot more fun.
> & prep him for action" said Gelvar with an evil
> grin.
ALAIR <Duke>: You mean, give him a nice big cup of hot chocolate, right?
ONIKO <Gelvar>: Well... yes. But could you make more, you know, badass?
ALAIR <Duke>: No marshmellows?
ONIKO <Gelvar>: [sighs] That will do.
> Duke soon got to the room marked 'stasis chamber'
VIPER: So is that where they put all the people who abuse blue control decks?
ONIKO: Nope. This is where they store all their monster of the week.
> once there he
> began typing on a console
ONIKO <Duke>: Cortana 1.0 X? Unseal the hushed casket? What kind of Blue Screen is *this*!?
> & soon a glass cylinder was retracted from
> the centre of the room "welcome back sensei" said Duke with a grin.
ALAIR <Duke>: I baked you raisin roundies!
> Adam started to crack his knuckles louder that Kiyone could talk
> without shouting
SHERL: Wow. His bones must *really* be brittle.
-->[OR]
BRANDT <Tom Servo>: Each knuckle is seperately mic-ed for your convenience.
-->[I had a teacher in the fifth grade who would do this to the students. -Chimera]
> " & with that I *crack* think that we should *crack*
> let them make *crack* the first *crack* move so we find out what they
MAX: And the author brilliantly incorporates annoying physical habits into his writing style. Truly, he raises the characterization of annoying jerks to a new level.
> plan to do *crack*. once we know their plans then *crack* we
> formulate a *crack* plan,
BRANDT: Crack plan. Definition, a plan you probably thought of while high on crack. See also, 'Adamism'.
ONIKO: Is that like Adamantite?
THIEF: No, that's just what I'd shout while fucking him. "Ah! Da man tite!"
[ONIKO puts his wand against his head and activates it, sadly this only results in a shower of glitter.]
> Adam do YOU *crack* have any ideas that
> *crack* won't get any of us killed? *crack* well?"
MAX: You know, crack kills.
> "as a matter of
> fact I do, thank you very much, I prepose that
FIXED-->SHERL <Adam>: -we all run liked scared children.
MAX <Tenchi>: Already putting the plan into motion, sir!
> one of us (gesturing
> to himself) should sneak aboard & find out their plans & throw a
> spanner into the works" " what are you crazy!" cried Ryoko, Washu &
> Minagi together
FIXED-->ALL <Ryoko, Washu, Minagi>: -we're all out of spanners!
> " you could get killed!" said Kiyone worriedly she
> then made her voice return to normal "anyway I said that none of us
> would be killed"
MAX <Adam>: Well, I say otherwise. You guys go out and attract fire while I do all the cool stuff.
> "as I said last time I was 'killed' 'you cannot kill
> death',
BRANDT <grimly>: Actually, you'd be surprised what I've managed to kill with large doses of Breakaron and Appolinar.
> & anyway I done more dangerous stuff than this & look I'm
> still breathing" he said holding his breath at the end.
>
> chapter 5:Kagato?
ALAIR: [tsks] Adam really doesn't know how to play the "Who's Our Mysterious Villain?" minigame.
BRANDT: Yeah, didn't you learn anything about foreshadowing in school? Now you'll never surprise the audience.
>
> Adam suddenly doubled over & then stood up again is if nothing
> happened
MAX: ... okay.
> "well that was strange, I never felt like that since I
> slayed Dracula & his mistress for killing someone close to me.
SHERL <Adam>: ...or that time I ate that Cucaracha Taco Platter when I visited Tijuana on spring break.
VIPER <Adam, excited>: PlaySkool takes me to a new, exciting world of magic... and all I need is my *imagination*!
ONIKO: Hey, check it out... his imaginary life is almost as eventful as Brandt's!
BRANDT: Hey!
> Oh shit! I can feel something I don't want to be feeling, its..."
SHERL: Its reefer madness!
ONIKO: Its DDR madness!
VIPER: Its Monster Truck Madness!
> he trailed off just as
ALAIR: -Kuato grew out of his stomach.
-->[If I misspelt that name correct me.]
-->[There. Next time, check the Internet Movie Database. -Chimera]
> Kagato materilised in front of him,
BRANDT: I can't belive it's Kagato! I thought he died!
[OTHERS facefault.]
> but he was
> different he was taller, more built & lots of energy just oozed off
> him.
ALAIR: Ew...
[She shuffles another seat away from the screen.]
> "well your all looking rather fine & healthy, this fine day"
> spoke Kagato sarcasticly,
ONIKO <Kagato>: That a new haircut? LOVE the jacket, hon.
> "well looks like you & I have something in
> common, we both have new friends"
SHERL: In Kagato's language, 'friend' translates as 'murderously annoying untalented asshat'.
> he said as he looked at Adam with
> evil intent
THIEF: Hentai intent.
MAX: *Killing* intent.
> unaware that Adam was giving him a look that could kill
> an elephant for what he had done to the others.
[ONIKO is standing on his seat, now clothed in black ninja apparel.]
LANCE <over intercom>: Oh no you don't.
[The distant trumpet of an elephant can be heard, accompanied by a high-pitched whistle. ONIKO remains motionless.]
ONIKO <Japanese accent>: Ninjaaaa... [looks up quickly] ...LOOK!
[The elephant stops right above ONIKO, coughs, then disappears in a cloud of purple smoke.]
ONIKO: [taking a winning stance] HO!
[ONIKO is immediately crushed by a large weight labeled '22t' and explodes in a shower of ninja plushies.]
VIPER <looking at weight, sadly>: I have much to learn.
ALAIR <doing her best to ignore ONIKO>: What did Kagato do to which others?
BRANDT <sotto voice>: The others are always with us. Always watching.
[ALAIR breaks down and sobs.]
> "alas for the time
> has come to start the fun"
SHERL: No, please. Don't start the fun on our account!
> & with that he moved with amazing speed
> with a right jab to Tenchi that sent him across the room, Adam
MAX: What did Tenchi do to deserve this from Adam?
> had released a blast of pshyic blast at Kagato
ALAIR: Which he learned to do at the school of pshyic powers school.
BRANDT: Is that like the psychicalalal institute?
ONIKO: Good quote from the site!
BRANDT: ...what site?
> to which Adam responded with a devastating volley of
> kicks which
-->ALAIR: -landed nowhere near Kagato since he'd just been 'swated' away like a fly, story!
-->[OR]
ALAIR: -landed nowhere near Kagato since Adam just got 'swated' away like a fly, story!
MAX <Adam>: HOU'OU KYAKU! Atatata-atatatatata-atatatatata-aCHAAA!!
-->[Actually, I think Kagato swatted Adam away. Hard to believe, but true. --Drago]
-->[Looks like that to me, too. -Chimera]
> Kagato blocked with amazing force & speed & suddenly
> countered by grabbing Adam's leg & snapping it off like a twig.
[Silence. As one, the riffers stand up, walk over to the screen, hug it, and return their seats.]
SHERL <Adam>: I... I can't belive you just did that!
MAX <Kagato>: Yeah, so?
SHERL <Adam>: But... I'm your brother!
-->[Badly paraphrased. If any body wants to beat MI2 just to get the correct quotes...]
> "well
> I have other business to attend to
BRANDT <Kagato>: -muffins in the oven, you know how it is.
> so I'll take whats mine & leave"&
> with that he grabed Ryoko by the neck & flashed a pair of fangs & was
> gone, "shit! he pulled off my leg, oh & took Ryoko with him, bastard!
ALAIR: "Oh, and took Ryoko with him." Almost as if it was an afterthought. Got to love that.
> hey Tenchi you ok?" Adam asked
MAX <Tenchi>: You punched me across the room, you asshole! Do you think I'm okay?
> as he crawled over to his leg, which
> he picked up & held to the stump which soon rejoined with the severed
> limb
ONIKO: Damn! I was hoping to sell that to the butcher in Little Havana...
FIXED-->THIEF: Or you could feed it to the sludge-snake during the Harvester Lodge challenges, so you can get into the kitchen to get yourself a sack lunch and murder the chef.
> "bastard he ruined my last pair of jeans, I'm going to kill him
> & bring Ryoko back by lunch!"
BRANDT <Adam>: Or maybe by an early dinner!
MAX: Wait... so if Kagato didn't pull off Adam's leg, he'd be okay with him taking Ryoko?
ALAIR: With Ryoko gone, Adam gets more screen time.
MAX: Ah.
> he said as he picked up his sword &
> teleported up to the ship.
VIPER: And this has been another... Sugar High.
>
> "well did you enjoy yourself? I see that you brought back a trophy,
> mind if I 'borrow' her when your finished?" asked Duke looking at
> Ryoko who was out cold,
THIEF <Kagato>: Well... all right. But rewind her after you're done.
> Kagato replied "she isn't for that purpose
SHERL <Duke>: What? I just needed a fourth for Hearts!
> &
> yes I did enjoy myself" then came a message over the intercom "come
> to the brige for breifing"
NEW-->THIEF <Duke>: I don't need you to brief me! [mimes pulling up his underwear] I'm a big kid now!
> "I'll secure her while you continue up to
> the bridge" said Duke to Kagato, when Kagato had left Duke tied Ryoko
> up & started to undress her
-->ALAIR: Ryoko promptly woke up and slapped the pervert.
-->[OR]
BRANDT <quickly>: -wounds, so he could rebandage them. Duke would turn out to be the sympathetic villian who at the last second will turn to the side of good, by throwing the hero's sword to him while he's at the evil Adam's mercy!
MAX: Hm... Lance, can we go with Brandt's version instead?
LANCE <over intercom>: Hm, let me think... hm.... NOOO, ASSHOLES!
-->[Anybody else having trouble imagining Ryoko restraining herself to a slap? -Chimera]
> just as Adam materilsed with his sword in
> his hand. Duke never had the chance to even draw breath or even think
> of turning around.
VIPER <darkly>: ...and thus, Solid Snake claimed yet another neck.
ALAIR <Adam>: This is for the jeans! And Ryoko. But mostly the jeans.
> Blood spurted all over the room covering Adam & Ryoko
SHERL: Special effects by Tetsuo Hara.
> when suddenly the intercom came on "Duke where are you?" "same
> place your heading" replied Adam as he warped back to the others.
MAX <Kagato>: Disneyland?
ALAIR <Adam>: Don't be stu -- wait, you're going to Disneyland? I wanna go too!
> "what the hell happened?! no one can get in without the sensors
> detecting them
BRANDT <Gelnek>: -I guess we really should've remembered to attach some actual alarms and traps to the sensors.
> & it looks like Duke was caught unaware but at least
> he died with little or no pain just look at the clean cut"
SHERL <Gelvar>: It's all right folks! Duke's recovering just fine.
ALAIR <Ai>: But he's bleeding all over the-
SHERL <Gelvar>: He'll be right as rain in a couple days!
BRANDT <infomercial>: It cuts through disposable villains like butter, yet keeps an edge sharp enough to actually fillet a fillet. Isn't that something?
> said Ai
> when she came to see the source of the strange voice on the intercom
> & noticed that the blood formed a message that read: You will all
> pay.
SHERL: Sincerely, the Fifth International Blood Bank of Munich.
VIPER: "PS: Redrum... heh, I always wanted to do that."
>
> Ryoko was going to be fine but still Adam sat by her bed day & night
> almost as if he was protecting her from danger
THIEF: In reality, his heart had exploded due to massive steroid abuse but still, it made a nice picture.
> & had pointed his
> sword to Washu whenever she came quitely to check on her daughter,
ALAIR <Adam>: No one gets to be nice to people except *me*!
ONIKO <Adam>: She'll have none of your 'medical treatment' and 'intravenous feeding' all she needs to survive is my attention!
> Adam was vigilent with sitting with her day & night not sleeping or
> eating, with what was left of his lunch two days ago next to him, he
> even canceled his date with Rogue saying that something had came up
NEW-->THIEF: Translation - the Viagra kicked in and he'd prefer to enjoy its effects on his own.
> &
> that he won't be around for a while,
MAX <Adam>: We all have to make sacrifices in these trying times...
> then Ryoko opened her eyes to
> find that Adam was sitting there holding her hand on one side &
> tenchi sleeping on a chair not far away on the other.
ONIKO: Sleeping on top of a chair on top of her hand?
THIEF: Now this is an interesting new kink...
> "m.m.my what a
> surprise to find you sitting t.t.there holding my hand" said Ryoko
> surprised, trying to keep her feelings in check but failing as tears
> rolled down her face,
BRANDT: Nnf!
[BRANDT squeezes his nose to try to stop a sudden nosebleed.]
SHERL: What's the problem?
BRANDT <nasal>: Out-of-character-ness just hit me in the face. Hand me the napkins, please?
> "don't worry your safe, I killed the bastard
> who was gonna rape you & I left them a little message"
ALAIR <Ryoko>: Someone was gonna rape me?!
VIPER <Adam>: Oops.
[ALAIR walks around behind the seats and crouches down.]
ALAIR <Itami's mother>: Tadaima. Tadaima. Tadaima. Tadaima. Tadaima. Tadaima. Tadaima...
ONIKO <freaking out>: Will you stop that?!
> said Adam as
> he wiped her tears away,
MAX: -except that he forgot he still had the sword in his hand. SSSHHHHING!
> she tried to sit up but Adam made he lie
> still,
THIEF <Adam, unnaturally calm>: Now, you know better than to pretend to be uninjured when I'm being compassionate. Such a bad little canon character, must you spend more time in The Box?
> "now as you we're saying when the ship appeared" he said to
> Ryoko who
ALAIR: -ran that sentence through her head a dozen times and still wasn't able to make a bit of sense out of it.
> turned her head to face the ceiling as she beagn to try &
> say the words she had been trying to say to Tenchi for what felt
> forever
THIEF <Tenchi>: Man, if I knew the route to her heart was a facile and trite display of psuedo-decency, I'd've abandoned my attempts at real human decency long ago!
ONIKO: Bitter enough there?
THIEF: [blinks] Huh? No, I was serious.
VIPER <Ryoko>: -disco.
ALAIR <Ryoko>: -peanut butter.
MAX <Ryoko>: -Ayeka.
> "I know, you love Tenchi but when I'm around you love
> us both. Well I'm sorry about it if it tears you apart inside but its
> a power that I cannot control"
ALAIR: I don't know whether to cry or laugh.
SHERL <Adam>: I cannot help my sexy, sexy body! Why can't you people seem to understand that?
> & he turned to go when Ryoko called
> him "Adam its not that, I think that its really love but if it isn't,
> I'll still enjoy being with you"
VIPER <singing>: Is this love, is this love, is this love...
BRANDT <singing>: Is this love, that I'm feeling? Is this the love, that I've been searching for? Is this love, or am I dreaming?
> "Ryoko, I don't.."
ONIKO <Adam>: -have a penis.
BRANDT <Adam>: -have what you humans in your charming way call a [makes qoute marks with his fingers] "soul".
> Adam started,
> "you don't what? don't love me? don't think that I'm good enough?
> don't think I'm what?"
SHERL <Adam>: I don't have a quarter for the washing machine. Can you spare one?
> "I don't think you can handle the attention
> from other women that I attract,
ONIKO <Adam>: -'cause I'm a stud, babe!
> I mean Washu, Minagi & Kiyone have
> become attracted to me
ONIKO: I'd love to see Adam take this universal attraction power to the Neon Genesis Evangelion world. He'd start to pull in Ritsuko and Gendo would have him assassinated.
MAX: Ew, how can you speculate on your Dad's sexual affairs that way!?
ONIKO: Damnit, Max...!
> & you could lose Tenchi & I don't want that as
> it can be extremely painful to lose someone close, I know" & with
> that Adam left.
SHERL: Uh-oh, the Angst Detector's acting up...
ONIKO: He's a god-like ubermunchkin who won't touch anything that isn't painted black. Of *course* he has angst.
BRANDT: Or maybe he just has a really low security clearance?
Posted on Jan 14, 2004, 1:39 AM from IP address 172.153.48.195