ONIKO: Not unless I S4R D2R B4U.
-->VIPER <^_^ing>: d00d!!!1 he sp33k d4 1337!1!!11
-->[OR]
THIEF <Gomez>: Oniko, you spoke l33t!
ONIKO <Morticia>: j0.
[THIEF's attempt to gather ONIKO into a passionate embrace is met with the business end of a magic wand and a Rainbow Heart Beam which sends THIEF sprawling roughly back into his seat.]
-->ONIKO: I think I could get to like this.
NEW-->ONIKO: You, Mister Wandy, are my new best friend. Yes you are! Yes you are! [nuzzles his wand]
-->[OR]
ALT-->ALAIR: Wait, guys, I think this means we're crossing in Eva now too.
-->SHERL: You don't need to read on to find out that Adam is the sixth through twentieth children.
-->MAX: Or has Unit-04.
>
> The following day Adam & Ryoko were just sitting there doing nothing,
VIPER: o/~ Chilling out, maxing, relaxing, all cool... o/~
MAX <Adam>: Walls are nice. I like walls.
BRANDT <Ryoko>: Indeed. Let us stare at them some more.
> when suddenly there was a chill & the from the water rose, to Ryoko's
> horror,
SHERL: Sadako.
ALAIR: You mean Samara.
[Various random objects are pelted at her.]
MAX: Didn't they rise out of wells?
> Kagato
-->SHERL <Ryoko>: He's filthy!
MAX <Kagato>: I could have hid in the trees, but *no,* I had to stand in this lake for three days! Someone hand me a towel.
-->[OR]
==>ALAIR: Sort of like the birth of Venus 'cept with spectacles, duckweed, mad science, megalomania, and that there hasn't really been an explanation given as to why he's not dead.
> " what? I fried you! you was a scorch mark! how the?"
-->VIPER <Kagato>: Ah, that was merely a Kagato android, programmed to act like me in every detail!
SHERL <Kagato>: Didn't you know? I'm a card carrying member of the Jadeite Foundation.
-->[or]
VIPER <Liandro the Butler>: Look at this burn marks! They just don't make you like they used to, my friend. Adam calls this a plot twist, but I call it more work! Ah, well, you wouldn't know anything about that. You're just a dummy!
[In one smooth motion, VIPER pulls a lollipop out of his mouth that definitely wasn't there before.]
-->[If anyone gets the Liandro riff, I will worship you.-Cruton]
> "you are certinly powerful I will grant you that
ALAIR <Kagato>: -as well as dark and intriguing, your eyes burning with hidden mystery, your muscular thighs... there is something very wrong with this script.
> but I don't die very
> easy unlike Tenchi..." & with that something that looked like Tenchi
ONIKO: But was in fact just a blow-up doll with a drawing of Tenchi's face taped to it.
> rose from the water & was very limp as if it had drowned
THIEF: Oh, so he's impotent *and* prone to shrinkage. That explains a lot.
> "Tenchi!!! you bastard" you must die!"
BRANDT: Tenchi doesn't deserve to be called names like that.
ONIKO <badly dubbed>: Oh, but you dishonor me with those shoes you wear on your feet!
> & with blinding speed Ryoko tried to
> implale Kagato with her beamsword but he had moved & she had impaled
> the Tenchi clone instead
THIEF: Always figured she was a chick into pegging.
> Ryoko screamed as Kagato disappered
> laughing. Adam checked the fake Tenchi over & said "that bastard!
> although it looked like Tenchi, it wasn't"
-->BRANDT: We already know that, story. You killed the suspense when you told us that in each of the previous two lines.
NEW-->BRANDT: My stars and garters! If the fic hadn't given that away a paragraph ago, I'd be deep in shock. Shock I tell you.
ONIKO <Adam>: This is just my Blow-Up Tench-I mean, RARGH! BASTARD!
ALAIR <Ryoko>: So, Tenchi's still alive?
ONIKO <Adam>: I *know*! Damnit!
SHERL <Dr. Evil>: He's the Diet Coke of Tenchi. Only one calorie.
-->[Suggested rewording for Brandt, "My stars and garters! If the fic hadn't given that away a paragraph ago, I'd be in shock!" -Chimera]
> Adam turned to Ryoko who
> was shaking badly
THIEF: Heeey... who needs a vibrating bed?
> even when she knew it was fake she just couldn't
> stop shaking & even when Adam held her she still shook.
VIPER <narrator>: Carelessly, she ignored this, and a year later died from cancer.
> "get some
> rest & tell Tenchi how you feel about him, it'll make you feel better
ALAIR <Ryoko>: I think... maybe... he already knows.
VIPER <Adam>: Shut your mouth and act like I'm a genius. They're watching.
ALAIR <Ryoko>: Who's watching?
VIPER <Adam>: ...I may decide not to answer that at this moment.
> & who knows he may say he loves you back"
ONIKO: Dude, this is TENCHI we're talking about.
MAX: And this is Adam 'canon-be-damned-my-word-is-law' Asskicker we're talking about. He'll tell her he loves her.
[ONIKO fumes.]
> & Ryoko just looked at him
> & they both sat by the waters edge holding each other.
ALAIR <stage whisper>: Ryoko, you were supposed to exit!
>
> It was quiet for the next few days,
VIPER: -save for the loud arguing and wanton destruction that SHOULD be happening, since this is a Tenchi fic.
> in the way that Kagato didn't
> show up or ant trouble for that matter.
SHERL: It was fairly loud in the way that Washu kept using concussion grenades to help Tenchi weed the garden, Ryoko discovered thrash rock and the damn cabbit had the hiccups.
> Adam & Ryoko had decieded to
> go away for a few days to recover from what happened.
MAX: Yes, take about a week off because some other twink came back from the dead and tricked you into stabbing a cardboard replica of your best friend. It must have been extremely traumatic.
> Adam & Ryoko
> had gone to a place that was very peaceful
-->SHERL: -and located conveniently next to the highway, with a wonderful variety of theme rooms!
ADDED TO-->BRANDT: Let me guess... Arkham, New England? Or that duplex on Elm Street that just came up for rent? Or Haddenfield, Illinois? Perhaps Castle Rock, Maine? Or maybe 'Salem's Lot? How about Harvest, Texas? I hear that's nice this time of year.
ALAIR: Yep, a nice peaceful town, population 51... er, 50, uh, 48... 47, 39... shit.
> & whilst they were there
> they visited some friends of both Adam & Ryoko, Ash Ketchum, Misty &
> Brock,
ONIKO <startled>: Damnit story, warn us before you drag in another universe!
> the pokemon trainers, "say isnt your Pikachu getting a little,
> well..."
ALAIR <Misty>: ...god-like?
ONIKO <Misty>: ...gay?
-->VIPER <Misty>: ...long in the tooth?
-->[Jesus people, again, we continue sentences with a dash. Though here I have to wonder if we shouldn't use elipses instead. -Chimera]
> said Misty as Pikame was attacking a tree with various
> powerful attacks
FIXED-->BRANDT <Misty>: ...or maybe brain damaged?
MOVED-->ALAIR: And the fic's rampant anti-arbor agenda continues.
MOVED-->MAX: Damn tree abusers.
> like Solar beam, "what makes you think that?"
SHERL <Misty>: You used a Game Shark, didn't you?
[VIPER <Adam> fidgets, then breaks down into tears.]
VIPER <Adam>: I only wanted a Missingno! Is that such a crime?
> replied Adam as Pikame settled down to rest beside his master. When
> suddenly they all heard "To, oh, look! its Adam!"
MAX <Adam>: Hi everybody!
OTHERS: Hi, Dr. Twink!
> "Will you stop
> drooling & continue with the motto"
ONIKO <Jessie, falsetto>: But his body is so very sexy, sexy!
SHERL <Adam>: That's what I keep trying to warn them about! And do they listen? Nooo...
> "yeah, Jessie" cried James &
> Meowth. "look we better get back Ryoko,
SHERL: Why, who'd you lend her to?
[SHERL laughs uproariously while the others shoot him worried looks.]
> it was nice seeing you Ash.
> bye" Adam opened a portal and left with Ryoko trailing behind him.
BRANDT: Like the docile, passive character she's always been, I assume.
> When they got back, all hell broke loose.
VIPER: The New Order Nation kidnapped Aerosmith and banned everything even remotely entertaining.
SHERL <Steven Tyler>: Remember, music is the weapon.
>
> read Kagato's return for the rest.
VIPER <author>: That's right, for every reading of Kagato's Return, you get a free keyboard rest *free*!
ONIKO <yokel>: Free!? Hawt diggedy!
SHERL: Hopefully, Lance doesn't have it.
>
>
> Kagato's return
SHERL: ...damn.
> by
> Adam Richmond
ALAIR: Wow, he's not even hiding it anymore.
MAX: Yeah, like the initial was brilliant camouflage.
>
> Events refered to are in 'The meeting of a new friend' and 'The
> return of Adam'
THIEF: Which Adam? Adam "Harm" Chance? Adam Ant? Adamantium? Or is this Adam going to fight off the Harvesters as they steal human prey from Earth in ancient Greece, 20's Pompeii, and 60's America?
SHERL: Hmm... none of those would surprise me.
>
BRANDT: Watch as the fic uses this grappling hook to try to climb from the pit it's dug for itself.
> chapter 1: We're back!
ONIKO: -A Dinosaur Story!
VIPER: -yelled Zoner, as he and Yuri got out of the Daytona.
ALAIR: That's all we need. An Eyrie version of this.
BRANDT: Well, at least it might mean the fic would be readable, right?
>
> Having just got back from visiting some friends, Adam and Ryoko were
> totally unprepared for what met them, an army of Kagato's.
-->VIPER: From there, the hard rock music set the mood for EXTREME SHOOTING ACTION *ACTION*!
-->[OR]
VIPER: What was worse was that most of them were Deagle-equipped, camping, quad-damage whores.
> "what the?! this is beyond a joke, I mean AN ARMY against two people"
VIPER <Marco>: You make that sound like there's a problem.
ONIKO <Tarma>: It isn't even a *big* army, you know?
-->[AND/OR]
THIEF <Adam as Rambo>: You're right, that's not fair! I better tie one arm behind my back.
> sighed Adam
SHERL <Ryoko, excitedly>: Does this mean I actually get to do something besides standing around and looking shocked?
BRANDT: Sorry. Like in Dragonball Z, 99% of the goodguys are there to look shocked and/or die in order to enrage the hero.
> taking up a fighting stance while Ryoko just stood there
> staring at the room full of Kagato's,
SHERL <Ryoko>: [snaps her fingers] Damn.
ALAIR: Mister Author? "Kagato's army" would be the army belonging to Kagato. The apostrophe makes it possessive, not plural.
> when one stepped forward and said
ONIKO <Kagato>: -Mis-ter Rich-mond! Surprised to see me?
[He puts on a pair of sunglasses and begins walking around the front of the theater.]
ONIKO <Kagato, continuing>: We're not here because we're free. We're here because we're not free. There is no escaping reason; no denying purpose. Because as we both know, without purpose, we would not exist.
[Several NNGs dressed as ONIKO appear.]
NNG 1 <Kagato clone>: It is purpose that created us.
NNG 2 <Kagato clone>: Purpose that connects us.
NNG 3 <Kagato clone>: Purpose that pulls us.
NNG 4 <Kagato clone>: That guides us.
NNG 5 <Kagato clone>: That drives us.
NNG 6 <Kagato clone>: It is purpose that defines us.
NNG 7 <Kagato clone>: Purpose that binds us.
ONIKO <Kagato>: We are here because of you, Mis-ter Rich-mond. We're here to take from you what you tried to take from us.
[ONIKO pretends to stick his hand into MAX's <Adam's> chest.]
ONIKO <Kagato>: Purpose.
[The NNGs scatter and disappear and ONIKO sits back down, taking off the sunglasses.]
ALAIR: ...that was excessive.
ONIKO: I'm all about the excessive. [He ^^'s]
-->[I'm thinking that Lance should probably try breaking that up, possibly by tossing DHP into the fray.]
-->[Probably. Though I do enjoy how the author of this riff tried to capture the speach pattern there... -Chimera]
[Now, do we want to cut him off and mutilate him? -Chimera]
> "welcome to your worst nightmare".
BRANDT <Adam>: And before you ask, I am NOT referring to standing in a crowded hallway naked. Jerks.
> As Adam moved his hands, blue
> trails of light followed the path of his hands and the trails cut
> anything apart that was in the way,
MAX: One hypo injection too many for Adam, I see.
SHERL: The Kagatos were slow to react, as they all thought that they were somehow high on Ecstasy.
-->ALAIR: Look out, he's got sparklies and he knows how to use them!
[Fucking Christ! Now it's Wicked City and no one riffed it! Bastards! -t.]
> using this he killed several of
> the Kagato's in one sweep of his hands while Ryoko was throwing laser
> blasts everywhere
BRANDT: Even in the Pope's hat!? [gasps]
> "its no good we need help" "that gives me an idea,
ONIKO: -and the fic promptly ended on a cliffhanger. Literally, as the cast and the stolen loot were balanced in a couch on the edge of a cliff.
LANCE <over intercom>: You wish.
> Sarah, change into a werewolf and help us,
ALL: Sarah?
[The riffers glance around the theater and check under the seats before shrugging and going back to watching the fic.]
> Pikame, go!" he said as he
> threw the pokeball with great force, which struck a Kagato, killing
> him.
MAX: Pokeball KO! 1000 points!
SHERL: How *damn*, that's one hell of a fast ball.
[EVERYONE except ONIKO suddenly starts throwing dodge balls at VIPER, who lies down on the ground. ONIKO stands and puts on a pair of thick-rimmed glasses.]
VIPER <Bobby, weakly>: [raises hand] ...heh...i-is there another game...we could play?
ONIKO <old hag, quietly>: Shut up, Bobby. You always *were* a pain in the ass.
VIPER <Bobby, embarrassed>: ...eh-heh...
[BOTH return to their seats.]
> Even with the creatures help they were losing this battle,
ALAIR: Mister Author? If the Kagatos are doing something here maybe it would be worth describing it? Just a little bit?
SHERL <Adam>: No time! Must show off l33t moves!
> when
> suddenly there was a loud explosion and as Adam was battling away
BRANDT: [massaging his temples] Battle away. Away from us. Good. Yes. Go, go now.
> he
> saw the two guyvers who helped him previously (in the meeting of a
> new friend)
-->ONIKO: Oh, right. Those guys.
BRANDT <quietly>: Were either of them named Sarah?
VIPER: I don't know and I don't care.
MAX <singing>: Can't get enough of those Golden Crisps...
> had came to his aid but they were soon out numbered,
ALAIR: Like, from the moment they arrived, you mean?
> when Adam suddenly got an idea,
VIPER <Adam>: Peanut butter, chocolate... AND jelly together! By God, this could be revolutionary!
> he could summon a creature to help them
MAX: Problem was, they'd stolen those red gems he needed to do it.
> but first they gotta get outside before he would do it (because that
> way he could get away from the Kagato's and do the summoning motions)
SHERL: S...so now, he has Guardian Forces, too?
MAX: Geeze, it's like Super Robot Wars, only more stupid.
VIPER <sourly>: He was waving his arms just fine when they had blue light coming out of them...
-->ONIKO: The summoning is less of an 'arm-waving' thing and more of an interpretive dance...
> "o.k. lets take this outside, guys" said Adam grabbing Ryoko and
> sticking to the ceiling like spiderman (also this was done by Dracula
> in the film 'Bram Stokers Dracula'),
ALAIR: As well as the book 'Dracula', by Bram Stoker.
MAX <thoughtful>: Or was it always just Spiderman sticking to the ceiling like Dracula?
BRANDT <Ryoko>: I could have, you know, flown up there and-
MAX <Adam>: NO! You are my Helpless Anime Booty. You cannot breathe without my guidance.
> the two guyvers managed to blast
> their way through to the outside where adam gathered them up and told
> them the plan.
BRANDT: Not that they could hear it, because he was still INSIDE, on the CEILING. And pretending that Ryoko needs help to be up there.
> "o.k. guys, great timing, now the plan is you guys
> protect me as I summon some 'help', got that?"
MAX <Guyver>: There's something strangely exploitive about this plan.
SHERL <Adam>: Well, duh.
> "what do you mean, you
> summon some 'help',
VIPER <Sho>: And why do you keep making those little finger quotations every time you say it?
> we were strugling in there!" yelled Sho, "well,
> do we summon some big fuck off monster
SHERL <Adam>: What is this 'we' you speak of?
MAX <Sho>: Well, I... um-
SHERL <Adam>: I'm the star here, me!
> to kill or maim the army
ALAIR: How exactly DOES one maim an army?
VIPER: Usually I get up early and tie a string ankle-high across their parade route.
THIEF: Strange, I usually just reduce them to calcined bone and carbon vapor from orbit with my mind.
VIPER: Well, if you want to do it the EASY way, sure...
> or do
> we do what we did in there?"
BRANDT <Adam>: Well, it won't help to do that, because though you stab them with your steely knives, you just can't kill the beast.
==>ONIKO: [facepalms] Jesus.
> "how do we know that these monsters
> won't turn on us?"
ALAIR <Adam>: Because I keep them inside safe secure cages which you can't accidently stumble into.
SHERL <Adam>: Plus I treat them with respect and kindness. If they ever broke out, they'd never come after me.
[Jesus. Maybe I never should have brought up the Evil Overlord list. -t.]
[Yeah, really. I think I'll hafta put a limit on Evil Overlord riffs for the next episode, and enforce it with an iron fist. -Chimera]
> asked Ryoko remebering the incident in the onsen
> where they met Mihoshi,
BRANDT: Speaking of Mihoshi, where IS the rest of our powerful, highly skilled, well-equipped cast?
MAX: Probably fell into the cracks in Adam's ego.
> "because they do their special attack then
> leave, unless I use my magic but I'm too weak to make them stay and
> anyway there is an army that I can call on"
[Pause.]
ONIKO <Ryoko>: You don't actually have to fight anyone, do you? You just do this for the amusement, don't you?
[VIPER smoothes his hair back.]
VIPER <Adam>: I do it...because I can do it.
> "well lets go then" said
> Agito. Ryoko and the two guyvers were using laser blasts to keep the
> Kagatos at bay while Adam concentrated on
-->BRANDT: -laying an egg.
-->[OR]
BRANDT: -telepathically making his goatee bushier. With his MIND.
> bringing forth the
> creatures,
ONIKO: Is that what they call it these days?
ALAIR: Oh... definitely, yeah. All the cool kids are doing it.
> Adam did a strange motion with his hands,
SHERL: Hey, same to you buddy!
> when suddenly
> they disappered
[ALAIR gets up and begins heading towards the snack stand.]
> and the ground swelled up and a monster burst from
> the ground and fliped over a section of the ground with some Kagato's
> on it,
[ALAIR, grumbling, sits back down.]
BRANDT: Oh. Great. FF7-style Titan. Somehow I'm disappointed.
ALAIR: You're a twink, for goodness sake, the least you could do is summon one of those half-hour summons.
> "wow, that was some attack, do another!"said Ryoko estactily
THIEF: Getting wet while viciously maiming? Kinky. [^_^s.]
> while throwing bolts of energey left, right and centre, so Adam did,
> execpt when they all disappered and a blue woman appeared and used
> an ice attack on some of the Kagato's,
BRANDT: I'm just going to imagine this is FF10's version of Shiva.
ONIKO: ...because of Yuna, right?
[BRANDT blushes deeply.]
ALAIR <Narrator>: You know. Some sort of ice attack, I can't be bothered to describe it right now. It would detract from the thrilling me-ness!
> and when the ice shattered so
> did most of the Kagato's. The Kagato's had one last trick up their
> sleeve,
MAX: An Ace of Spades?
NEW-->THIEF <singing>: The ace of spades is my lucky card, better pour me a drink, better make it hard!
> they put Tenchi and the others in front of them and one of
> the Kagato's said "now lets see you use one of your monsters"
VIPER <Adam>: Damnit! Friends! My one weakness!
> so Adam
> obliged and to the Kagato's horror Tenchi and the others disappeared
ONIKO <Kagato #1>: Whoa! Nasty attack incoming! We've only got a split-second to DO SOMETHING!
BRANDT <Kagato #2>: Darn them and the summon spell's innate ability to temporarily flex the prime material plane, suspending the hero's physical reality in a sub-planar space so they might escape harm f-
[ALL make explosion noise.]
> and suddenly the ground dented in and 12 knights
[ALAIR gets up and walks towards the snack bar again.]
> each did a deffernet
> attack and then suddenly a huge knight appeared opened his cape and
ONIKO <Kagato>: [looks up, his eyes widen] Goodness gracious me!
BRANDT: [covers his eyes] First the ships, now the knight! Even Hamster didn't have this much nudity!
> used a huge sword on the Kagatos, then there was a blinding light and
> Adam, Ryoko and the others were alone,
[ALAIR, halfway to the bar, looks back, grumbles and sits back down again.]
ALAIR: Damn poser power summons. I should've had five more minutes at least.
> there was no more Kagato's to deal with
MAX: Knights of the Round - For when you absolutely, positively want to suck all the challenge out of Final Fantasy VII.
SHERL: Reminds me of all those free-form online roleplaying tourneys, where everybody knows Ultima despite there being no practical use for it besides leveling cities.
MAX: Nah, it can also open childproof aspirin caps.
> when suddenly a voice boomed out "You may of won the battle
> but not the war!" that voice belonged to a VERY pissed off Kagato.
> "Thanks guys for helping us, again" "no problem" said Agito as he and
> Sho left.
>
> Chapter 2: let me see your balls!
ONIKO: ...I repeat. The author is a bigger letch than I am.
-->THIEF: He's... got potential. Maybe. On a good day.
-->[AND/OR]
-->ONIKO <Freon>: Man, y'all a bunch of juggaloes!
-->[AND/OR]
THIEF <Kevin MacDonald>: I wanna dip my chaaapteeer twwwooo in it!
ALAIR: ...are you sure you've got that right?
THIEF: Like I give a shit.
-->[Its probably too sick but is there room here for that '[so-and-so] ate my balls' one-liner here?]
>
> "wow that was some show with them monsters, were did they come from?"
> asked Sasami, "from my balls" replied Adam,
FIXED-->BRANDT: Can it be that Adam is a direct-line descendant of the Beast? We should ask the Bentusi to send help!
ONIKO: Does he get a stat bonus for it?
> to which he got a glaring
> look from Ayeka "on my watch"
BRANDT <Adam, sternly>: Not on my watch, mister! ...oh wait, yeah it is.
> continued Adam waiting for the shock to
> die down from what he first said. "may I examine your balls?" asked
> Washu trying to make it sound not as dirty as when she usally said it
MAX: ...excuse me.
[MAX walks unsteadily to a corner of the theater where he's noisily ill.]
> to Adam "what the one on my watch?" asked Adam knowing the answer
> (both yes and no), this left Washu a deep crimson,
FIXED-->THIEF: Mainly this was caused by the arterial blood spraying from his groin as she used her trusty chainsaw to demonstrate which balls she meant.
> Minagi with a
> twinkle in her eye,
ALAIR <Minagi>: I feel like finding a pair of convicted felons and turning them into model citizens by beating the crap out of them all of a sudden. Odd.
> and Kiyone with a dirty smile. Later Washu was
> examining Adam's balls (this isn't a lemon! so keep it clean),
BRANDT <to the other riffers>: That's right! You heard the author!
[Muttered complaints and grumbling all around.]
VIPER: ...is he implying that all other citrus fruits are unclean?
ALAIR: [blinks] No, I think-
VIPER: This is an *outrage*! We abolished the barriers between fruit in the Great Cuisine War of 1876, and now they think they can reinstate their Draconian laws!? I THINK *NOT*!
ALAIR <angrily>: That's not what-
VIPER <marching back and forth in front of the screen>: I shall mutilate the murderers of the mango! I shall 'orrify the oppressors of the orange! I'll annihilate the adversaries of the apple!
ALAIR: FOR GOD'S SA-
VIPER <standing on top of his seat>: CITRUS POWER!
[The beginning of the French national anthem plays. A row of fresh fruit marches from one end of the theater to the other, then disappear.]
ALAIR <glaring at VIPER>: ...I am going to-
VIPER <wide-eyed at ALAIR>: -SHUT UP.
[ALAIR slumps in her seat.]
-->[Did Viper suddenly get the power of hypnotic suggestion here? -Chimera]
> "interesting, such small things yet so much power,
ONIKO <Adam>: They aren't small!... [mumbled] That small.
> just like Ryoko's
> gems, tell me again what the colours mean" asked Washu while
> examining a little red ball
MAX <Adam>: [sighs] The servers are the seven chaos. Chaos is power, enriched by the heart...
> " the red are monsters, the pink increase
> health, magic and a few other things, the yellow increase abilitys,
> the green contain magic and the blue must be linked with either a
> green or red to get it to work"
MAX: So we're getting a tutorial on a video game everyone and their brother has played. Very nice.
ONIKO: Can't we just turn turbo-fire on and put something heavy on the button while we go do something else?
-->[Um, are t hey really pink? It's been a while since I played. I'll have to check. -Chimera]
> "so a 'support', clever" "actually
> its 100% natural" this made Washu drop the colouered ball she was
> examining which was a blue one,
THIEF: Does it seem ironic that a woman is rubbing and fondling his BLUE balls?
> "what? you mean that these are
> natural? and not made by man?"
MAX: Nope. Not even a hint of GM modification.
ALAIR <Washu>: It's organic?! Get it off me! Get it off me!
-->SHERL <Adam>: Not to get uppity, but how would I carry around the atom smasher?
> "yes, but the man made sutff is used
> to power machines not for magic"
-->MAX: Actually, the man-made stuff *was* used for magic.
-->[OR]
MAX: Er, except that it WAS used for magic, and for that matter, the machines were powered by magic... feh, why do I bother?
> "was it this powerful when you got
> it?" "no I powered it up by equping it and going into battle in the
> world I got them from"
ALAIR <Washu>: That's Materia, isn't it?
ONIKO <Adam>: No no no! They're...um...Adamralds!
> "did you buy them or find them?" "neither, I
> was given the offspring
ONIKO <Adam>: Here, I'll get them to sing "Pretty Fly For A White Guy". They say it's just right for me, though I don't know why...
BRANDT <muttering>: And you're such a poet and you didn't know it.
> of fully powered ones and I just powered them
> up fully" "did you say 'offspring?' said washu with a puzzled look on
> her face,
MAX <Washu>: Isn't that the group with the whiny-sounding lead singer?
SHERL <Adam>: No, that's Blink 182.
MAX <Washu>: Oh. So they must be the ones with all the spiky hair, then.
SHERL <Adam>: That's Green Day.
MAX <Washu>: Okay, then they're the ones with that video that gets played too much on MTV.
SHERL <Adam>: Sum 41.
MAX <Washu>: Oh. Wait a sec, which one had the whiny lead singer?
SHERL <Adam>: Green Day.
MAX <Washu>: But didn't you say Blink 182 before that?
SHERL <normal>: ...what's the difference?
> "yes, when Materia is fully powered up or 'mastered' then a
> new one is 'born' without the full power" "VERY interesting, how are
> these equiped?"
BRANDT: E-quip? So he's sending jokes over the internet?
[ALL blink.]
LANCE <over intercom>: Punster must die!
[Suddenly, the CSS 'Hunley' drops on top of BRANDT.]
ALAIR: The hell? Why do you have a Civil war era submarine!?
LANCE <over intercom>: Eh, I just thought it was more appropriate to the setting.
BRANDT: [telekinetically lifting the sub off of himself] Hrrrrnnnn... hnn... y'know, I think... you have a problem, Lance... I just made a little computer pun. Maybe you should monitor your mental health, turn over some of your CDs so you can afford a therapist...
[With the push of a button in the control booth, the torpodoes in the Hunley detonate. BRANDT is left smoldering, his hands still extended above him as if lifting the sub.]
BRANDT: [blinkblinks] ...I stand corrected. [collapses back into his seat]
[Retribution time. -t.]
> "in armour and weapons." said Adam replacing the last
> peice of materia back into his watch strap
BRANDT: [facepalm] That's good, Adam... contradict yourself in the same sentence.
-->[To be fair to Adam, I seem to remember bracelets were armor in FF7]
[Bangles and armlets. Different. Also, the watch just looses all the coolness of the armlets. -Chimera]
> "how many different
> 'materias' are there?"
ONIKO: Many. Most of which never get used.
> "as many as there are on my watch" he said as
> he left the lab. ON his way out he spotted Ryoko relaxing on a beam,
BRANDT: You mustn't tarry on the Beam, the Dark Tower awaits, beyond Thunderclap!
> seizing his chance he jumped up and pushed Ryoko off and caught her
> before she
MAX: -could easily float back up and nail him right in the groin...
ALAIR: This is Adam's world, remember?
MAX: Oh yeah, sorry, sorry...
> hit the floor "careful now, I might not always be here to
> catch you" "bastard, you pushed me"
MAX: Why is that whenever Adam tries to be romantic, he just acts like a jack-ass.
SHERL: That little bit there pretty much sums up how the Cosa Nostra works, I think.
> "yeah, and" "well you wait until
> your asleep"
BRANDT: So... she's going to put his hand in warm water?
ONIKO: No. Badasses don't piss their pants.
BRANDT: Oh, so... I shouldn't have been trying to do that, I guess?
ONIKO: Not until I get a camera.
> "ok" "dinners ready!" called Sasami.
VIPER <Eric Idle, cheerful>: That was Sasami! The little Japanese girl who owns a thousand voices...and what a little princess she is-AH!
ALAIR <looking at VIPER>: Wait...but...screw it.
[VIPER o_Os.]
> At luch Adam sat
> opposite Ryoko and everytime she looked at the tv he would use his
> chop sticks
ONIKO: -which he proudly showed off to everybody because he'd managed to break them in half perfectly...
> to steal Ryoko's food
> and then wait until she noticed
> that it was missing to flick it back at her and this lasted for 5
> miniutes
MAX: There was a scene like this in Ranma.
BRANDT: Yes. And...?
MAX: It was funnier.
> because Washu who sat between them banged their heads
[ALL cheer.]
ONIKO: You go, girl!
> together after Ryoko flicked something back and it went wide and
> landed in Washu's hair,
-->SHERL: Tragically, Ryoko's head was crushed, since Adam's head was harder than diamond.
NEW-->SHERL: The next we saw of Ryoko, she was left shivering alone in some distant shadow dimension to 'think about what she'd done'.
NEW-->BRANDT <marveling>: The ultimate 'Time Out'.
> then suddenly Adam's phone rang with the
> Samurai pizza cats theme
NEW-->ONIKO: Hey! Just like mine!
NEW-->[ONIKO pulls out his cellphone and has it play the theme. He dances in his seat along with the beat, making his skirt flare a bit.]
VIPER <Booker T>: Tell me you did not just say that!
MAX: This 'fic is like the Urotsukidoji of crossovers.
SHERL: ...and Adam, the Oolong Caloophid of Tenchi Muyo.
[Shouldn't ONIKO do something here, since Samurai Pizza Cats is a specific MMK turn-on or something? -t.]
[Sure. Now what about when Brnadt 'blasphemes' the Samurai Pizza Cats a few lines below? Should I stick something in there? -Chimera]
> "hello, Adam asskicker here, makes pizza's
> so fast their cooked as their being made!
MAX: They get cooked as they get cooked?
VIPER: Honestly, you repetition is okay but isn't rephrasing it at the same time a bit too much?
> what can I do for you? well
> there's no need for that answer, but seriously what's the matter?" he
> said as he sipped his
ONIKO: [making qoutes with his fingers] -"tea"-
> tea, "what?!, how?, I'll be right there!"
> "what's the matter" asked Ryoko as Adam slowly put down his cup and
MAX: -was promptly kicked in the nards.
ONIKO: No thimble.
> put his phone back on his belt "its the enemy of the pizza cats,
BRANDT <slowly>: The... burrito dogs...?
VIPER: DAMN those Mexican bastards! [shakes his fist] Damn them all to HEEELLL!
ALAIR: [smacks VIPER] Hey, don't encourage the bish, I think he's getting punch drunk.
> he's
> captured the princess, the emperor, the palace, the B sqaud
SHERL: He's being a twink in Samurai Pizza Cats... the 'What's Up Tiger Lily?' of anime dubbing... somehow, that's very, very sad.
> and two
> of the three Pizza cats, on of which is very close to me"
MAX: When he says "close," he must mean something other than...
ONIKO: Furry porn? If he does, at least we have a sure sign of depravity.
> "I'm coming
> with you, so that I can help you" "no, Ryoko you will stay here
> incase Kagato returns"
MAX <Adam>: That way, you can be kidnapped again and I can go rescue you!
THIEF <Adam>: Also, I can get myself some furry bitches whilst free from your vengeful gaze.
>"but.." "no buts!"
THIEF <irritably>: I ALREADY established that she's 'got back'!
> " ok, but, please be
> careful, I'd like you back in one piece"
SHERL <Ryoko>: That Luffy jerk has been hogging the spotlight, and I haven't seen you showing off in that series yet.
>"so come back in a little
> box? I'll see what I can do"
[ALL cheer.]
THIEF: I gotta say one thing, Adam's slowly learning to give what his audience really wants.
> and he left before Ryoko could say
> anything more.
MAX: <Ryoko>: What the hell did that mean?
Posted on Jan 14, 2004, 6:59 PM from IP address 172.154.30.72