SHERL: Which one?
ALAIR: Adam Ant.
BRANDT: Sorry, we don't accept returns without a receipt.
> By
> A. Richmond
SHERL: But is it the same Richmond as before?
VIPER: Also, is his nemesis Geelong or Fremantle?
>
>
> (For the previous events refer to 'the meeting of a new friend')
BRANDT: After reading, refer to chemical and/or electroshock therapy. [smiles too widely] For the psychiatric medication that will accompany this, I suggest Repressitol brand mood stabilizer! Ask for it by name.
>
> chapter 1: It begins (again)
MAX <Shang Tsung>: It has... resumed!
>
> It had been two days from when Adam left the Masaki residance &
MAX: -Tenchi and the girls are *still* partying.
> things were back to what passed for normal.
MAX <Ryoko>: So, where have you been these past few weeks, Princess?
ALAIR <Ayeka>: What are you talking about? I have been here the whole time.
MAX <Ryoko>: Really? I haven't seen you around since that Adam guy showed up.
ALAIR <Ayeka>: ...
> Washu was woking on a
> portable device for creating gateways to other realms,
MAX: You'd think she already has one of those...
VIPER: No, no, no... she's "woking" on it. That means she's trying to make a portal by tapping into the power of Iron Chef Chen Kenichi!
MAX: ...now I have the mental image of an Iron Chef sentai show stuck in my head.
VIPER: Coolest thing ever, innit?
MAX: Hell. Yes.
> when suddenly
> there was a swirling of black
THIEF: Really, that'll teach her not to mess in the gravity drive core of the Event Horizon.
> that resembled a whirlpool but it was
> vertical
ALAIR: If its swirling then it really can't be anything other than a whirlpool.
> shadowy figure but before it could
> reveal its identity Washu pointed a huge gun at the shadow
VIPER <Iron Man>: A-*hem*.
SHERL <Washu>: When I'm done.
> & stated
> "This is my lab & no one gets in unless I say so" so the figure
> replied in a voice Washu had heard before but couldn't place
ALAIR: You know, because Washu always has trouble placing the voices of people it's been two days since she's seen.
VIPER: I can see that her *intelligence* hasn't returned to normal.
> "well
> can I come in?".
-->ONIKO <Washu>: We don't want any!
>
> 1 hour later:
-->BRANDT: ...the film was done developing. And my glasses are done!
MAX <Washu>: All right, fine... [clears throat] So.
SHERL <Stranger, meekly>: Thank you.
>
> Sasami was preparing to cook lunch when suddenly all the food was
> prepared to be cooked
ALAIR <Sasami>: Good God, his mere presence prepares food faster than I do! *sob*
VIPER: And look! A packet of Twinkies was added to the ingredients. I wonder why?
> & when she turned to see what caused this she
> saw that Ryo-ohki had disappered,
THIEF: Well, that explains where that prepared meat came from, at least.
> then she heard Ryo-okhi talking to
> someone
MAX: The cabbit can't talk.
ONIKO: The guy was reading her subtitles.
MAX: Oh, well that...
[A beat.]
VIPER: I believe you're snookered, there.
> & she heard a man's voice & as she crept to see who it was
> the man said
VIPER <man>: Well I said I'd be back for breakfast. How are those kippers doing, fellows?
> he needs to see a few people & that he would be back for lunch.
ONIKO <Sasami, deadpan>: It's nice to see you too, Adam. Yes, we're fine, thank you for asking. No, no, it's no trouble at all to cook for you despite being uninvited. [quietly] Dick.
> When Sasami tried to ask Ryo-okhi who it was Ryo-okhi just
> replied "a friend".
ALAIR: "Mya", story.
> Ayeka was just relaxing out in the sun
BRANDT <Ayeka>: Ah! Ouch! Ow! Hot!
> when a
> shadow fell on her,
SHERL <Ayeka>: Oof!
ALAIR: Well, she warned Sheridan there would be consequences...
VIPER <S.H.O.D.A.N.>: Disobedience will bring harsh consequences, insect.
ALAIR: SHERIDAN.
> "Ryoko I suggest that you let me be or else there
> will be trouble!" the a male voice spoke:
BRANDT <male voice>: -And make it double.
> " I'm so sorry to of
> disturbed you Princess" & the shadow was gone before she could open
> her eyes.
VIPER <shadow>: Rike ninja, I move as sirent as the fauring chelly brossom, and ash quickry ash the shuliken.
MAX <Ayeka, facepalming>: He's back, isn't he? Righty-o then. I'm off to character limbo again, aren't I?
> Ryoko was sitting out in the forest when she felt a pair
THIEF: Mmm, oh yeah, Ryoko... feel them, roll them in your palm, perhaps squeeze just a little...
ONIKO: Now come on, you're just reaching! ...but I like what you're reaching for, don't get me wrong.
> of
> arms embrace her,
BRANDT <singing>: So put your arms around me...
MAX: He obviously doesn't need those arms anymore.
> the reaction was "Tenchi, what powerful arms you
> have so muscular....
ALAIR: Self-esteem issues... yup.
MAX <Tenchi>: The better to suppress your screams with, my dear...
> Wait a minute Tenchi isn't muscular,
BRANDT: He doesn't have to be. Lightsaber-class weapons rely on Dexterity.
ONIKO: Wow... you're the biggest geek ever.
BRANDT <offended>: Pardon me sir, as a point of fact, I am a nerd.
ONIKO: What-the-fuck-ever. Either way you're going to be a virgin at forty.
[This was the place Sherl made the complaint about not being mad at Brandt, by the way. So I'll reattrib. -Chimera]
[Ah. Does anyone else think that the 'virgin at forty' line needs some sort of reaction from the other riffers, considering who (or who's body) we're talking about? -Cosmos]
> who are
> you?" & when she turned around the pair of arms were gone,
ALAIR: She's just THAT QUICK with her lightblade, man.
> thats
> strange thought Ryoko, & when she turned back Adam was sitting there
> drinking her sake.
ONIKO: You mean, "tea".
BRANDT: You're rather bitter about that, aren't you?
> yelled Ryoko at Adam, whose reply was sort & sweet: "I'm drinking it"
BRANDT; ...I hate to think of how many Hail Marys I'll have to recite to atone for the things I want to do to this man.
ALL but BRANDT: Amen!
> stunned Ryoko just sat there as Adam finished of the 2cm of sake
MAX: Ryoko took some quiet pride in the fact that most of that two centimeters was her saliva.
> she left & he disappered when he finished it.
VIPER <Ryoko>: You bastard! You took my sake! Why, I outta... hit... you... aw, forget it.
SHERL: Damn, even the characters are apathetic.
BRANDT: If you were that OOC, wouldn't you be?
ALAIR: How much you want to bet that Adam's not old enough to drink in real life?
MAX: Considering how he writes, I'd be more worried if he *was.*
> The next person to recive a
> visit was Tenchi, "hey, there Tenchi!"
VIPER <Voice>: I'm in one of these boxes! Find me!
> Tenchi looked up from his work
> & saw nobody around & then continued his work
SHERL: I wonder what it is he's working on?
ONIKO: My theory is that to pay for the various damages to the house, Tenchi hires himself out as an air freshener for childless couples. The uberpheremones he puts out can make any woman turn into a sex-crazed breeding machine!
THIEF: That'd explain the profusion of centaurs, minotaurs, naga, and lamia near Tenchi's neck of the woods.
> "hey, don't be ignorant
> say hi back or aren't you glad I came back?"
SHERL <Tenchi>: You wanted to act like a jerk, you get treated like a jerk.
> then it dawned on
> Tenchi, he looked up at the sound & saw the air shimmer
ALAIR <singing>: 'Cause I have found, all that shimmers in this world is sure to fade... away... again...
MAX: You wish.
[ALAIR sighs.]
> & be still as
> the owner of the voice teleported.
BRANDT: The voice itself, eerily enough, remained behind. From then on out, Adam was known as "Echo."
> Kiyone & Mihoshi were walking in
> the forest when they saw the bush move
VIPER: The animation checkers had messed up big time.
> as if someone was sitting on
> it
ONIKO <Kiyone>: Geeze, it's one of those creepy stalkers again...
> & then they heard a voice "My, my aren't we both looking pretty
> today?"
ALAIR <Kiyone>: Look out! Hentai bush!
BRANDT <Mihoshi>: EEEEEKKK!
[ALAIR <Kiyone> and BRANDT <Mihoshi> mime firing wildly at the bush.]
> & then the bush moved as if the person was standing up,
ONIKO: And Kiyone pointed her gun at the bush and shouted "Come out with your pants up!"
> this
> freaked Mihoshi out & she started to cry when she reconised the voice
> was wasn't scared anymore
SHERL: More like "immensely mortified."
> just as the air shimmered as he teleported
> to see Minagi Who was reading a book that Adam left behind
BRANDT: See Oniko, I told you there's books on this stuff. Did you finish reading the pamphlet I gave you?
ONIKO: Sure! I sent in the questionnaire and joined up, first chance I got. See? [pulls out the pamphlet]
BRANDT: ...oh dear.
ONIKO: What?
BRANDT: This isn't the How To Be a Bishounen pamphlet, this is the How To Be A Pretty Senshi pamphlet.
ONIKO: ...and I'm naked.
BRANDT: Oh no! Get dressed, quick! Or-
[Bright flowers and ribbons explode around ONIKO. He hovers in the air, rotating about, before settling back into his chair, now wearing a bright pink fuku. A bright pink bow is tied up in his hair, and he has a pink heart-tipped wand.]
ONIKO <darkly>: I hate you more than anything. [pause] Though I do feel strangely free for the first time in my life.
MAX: Oh God, I always knew this'd happen to Shinji... [sobs]
ALAIR <ignoring MAX>: One thing I'm wondering... why did you have that pamphlet, Brandt?
BRANDT <blushing darkly>: N-none of your business!
[Just out of curiosity, exactly how much of this fic did Oniko spend naked? ^_^ -Cosmos]
> called
> 'the tricks & games of a pool/snooker table"
ALAIR <reading the cover>: "By Venom?"
VIPER <Bill Hicks>: And now here's Tom with snooker highlights!
> when she felt someone
> next to her she turned & there was nobody there & when she turned
> back to read the book it was gone & there was a stranger reading it
> in front of
MAX: So he introduces himself by being a total pest.
ONIKO: He is ABOVE our puny concepts of good manners!
VIPER: So is he going to keep acting like a jackass for the rest of the fic? [beat] Wait...
>
> At lunch all the people who was visited told the others about the
> expiriance
ALAIR: If I ask what the hell 'expiriance' means, will I regret it?
BRANDT <reading from COSMOS' dictionary: Expiriance. 1) What you are when you quit your acting job because of the Pirates of Penzance. 2) The act of pirating other's experience in role playing games.
ALAIR <sigh>: That's a yes, Brandt.
> & just as they agreed that they knew who it was Adam
> appeared in the door way.
MAX: He was immediately jumped on and-
THIEF: -and fed trouser minnows-
MAX <ignoring THIEF>: -and run through the middle like green corn through the hired man.
> "well, well what do we have here? a sake bandit,
ONIKO: Mitsune Konno?
> an interdimentional traveler,
ONIKO: Quinn Mallory?
BRANDT: She said 'interdimentional'. He's only traveling between states of dementia.
MAX: That'd explain a lot.
> a disturber of peace,
ALAIR: Vash the Stampede?
> a rogue chef,
SHERL: Gourmand?
BRANDT: Quinna, NOO!
> a nosy parker
MAX: Gladys Cravitz?
> & with serial complimenting of ladies"
VIPER: Lupin?
MAX <Washu>: You're in a lot of trouble, Adam.
ONIKO <Ryoko>: Make him SQUEAL!
> "thats
> right, & theres a few more charges but I won't go into that", came
> the reply.
ALAIR <Adam>: My lawyer says that I'm not supposed to talk about them.
>
> chapter 2:New allies, new enemies
BRANDT: -but it turns out that it's still Doctor Wily in the end, so it's nothing special.
>
> The next few hours were just flying past when Adam explained what he
> had been doing,
MAX <Adam, with slideshow>: And this is me surrounded by beautiful women, and this is me beating up powerfully built men, and this is me presenting my completed Unified Field Theory, and this is me being hailed as a god, and this is me-
> helping Washu & play games with Sasami,
VIPER: Simultaneously! While playing the nose flute!
> when it was
> time for bed Adam said that he would go home to his bed
ALAIR: He'd forgotten his big boy training pants.
> & come back
> tomorrow but the girls begged him to stay for the night & they got
> Tenchi to let him stay.
BRANDT <Tenchi>: Oh, all right. Adam... sit! STAY! Good SI.
ONIKO <singing>: Stay with me, don't walk away; take my hand, I want you to stay...
> then there was the argument where he would
> stay, first Ryoko said he could stay in her room & she would sleep
> with Tenchi, this was disapproved of
MAX <Tenchi>: An attractive girl who wants to screw me in *my* bedroom? Not on *my* watch!
> so she said she could stay with
> Adam & Adam said no,
THIEF: Look, uh, Adam... just come out of the closet. Everyone knows the truth but you at this point. If you want, I can be your first... [waggles his eyebrows]
ONIKO: Well, when you're right, you're right.
> then Washu said he could sleep in the lab but he
> turned it down because the girls would try & have their way with him
SHERL <Adam>: Damn you, you shameless vixens! Get your hands off my sexy, sexy body!
> being retained but Washu's inventions,
MAX: So he's a veritable scourge of the land in terms of power... and yet he can't work up the nerve-
THIEF: "He doesn't have the fucking balls." Get it right.
MAX <ignoring THIEF>: -to say "go away" to a woman?
SHERL <Adam>: Um... uhh... stop... right now. I'll... say a rude word!
> then Minagi said he could
> sleep in her quarters on her ship but this was turned down by Adam as
> well becaue only Minagi had access to the ship.
SHERL: Then why would she offer?
THIEF: Purely for appearances.
> so it was decided
> that he would sleep on the sofa.
VIPER: Provided of course he could convince Veggie to move.
SHERL: Dead man walking.
> The night was very eventful as Adam
> crashed on the sofa,
ALAIR: The explosion could be heard from half a mile away.
SHERL: Passerby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood.
> first Ryoko sat on the beam to see if he changed
> his clothes & watched as he snapped his fingers & his jeans became
> track suit bottoms & his shirt a sweat top,
SHERL: And with a snap of his fingers, our almighty hero can CHANGE HIS CLOTHES!
[Oohs and ahhs from ALL.]
FIXED-->BRANDT: Sure it *sounds* nice, but you should see the stares he gets when he jitterbugs.
> he then removed his boots
> & took his hat off
ALL: GASP!
VIPER: <Washu>: All that work and he just takes it off? I am damn unsatisfied.
> & shook it once & it changed into a hood,
BRANDT <Adam>: And the hood was black and contained a cotton/polyester blend and was from Old Navy and...
MAX <interrupting Brandt>: We can see his haircut.
ALL <to the screen>: Best Cuts whore!
> he also
> took off a pair of sunglasses & put them on the table.
VIPER: They then exploded, destroying the contained secret mission briefing.
> later that
> night Ryoko tried to get a peek at his face
ALAIR <Ryoko>: Oh my God, it's... Adam West!
MAX <Adam>: My shameful secret, revealed! No!!!
> & when she gave up
BRANDT: -for no apparent reason.
> tryed
> on his sunglasses & althrough on one side they were mirrored they
> where like normal glasses on the other side.
MAX: Yeah, they're usually called mirrored sunglasses.
> A few miniutes later
> Minagi came down & tried to sneek a kiss off of him but everytime she
> tried he turned over,
ALAIR: Only later would he realize to his horror that she was only using the kiss to make him turn over every ten minutes... and that couch was borrowed from the Wild Cat bar and grill...
> & when she gave up he said "goodnight Minagi",
BRANDT: -then he enveloped her in a cloud of spores that did massive damage and caused every status aliment in the book.
> Then it was Washus turn at tring to get something she tried to remove
> his clothes so that when some one came down in the morning it would
> look like she had her way
ALAIR: ...Washu's still using her child form, isn't she?
[ONIKO pulls out a fan and starts fanning himself.]
ONIKO <Adam a'la Scarlet O'Hara>: My stars, Washu, ah do believe you intend to have your way with me.
THIEF: That's one way of saying it. Another way is that she's planning on swall-
[ONIKO starts bapping THIEF over the head with his fan.]
ONIKO <Scarlet O'Hara>: Masher!
> & then he would be all hers
BRANDT <singing>: Let's give 'em something to talk about, how about love...?
> but she
> couldn't do anything because when she tried she couldn't move her
> arms " bastard" whispered Washu, "you called?" said Adam in responce.
SHERL <Dark Schneider>: I believe she was talking to me.
>
> In a galaxy far, far away,
BRANDT: And a long time ago. Yes, long enough ago that the series was still good.
MAX: Thank Christ for that.
> there was a lone ship the 'Galoob'
SHERL: With the "Tyco" and the "Playskool" in hot pursuit...
> & on borad was a crew of three people: Duke who looked like Kagato but has
> hazel eyes & cyan hair with a part in the middle,
[ALAIR and BRANDT look at each other and snap their fingers]
ALAIR and BRANDT: He's a pallete swap!
SHERL: Um... Brandt?
BRANDT: Yes?
[SHERL silently points to BRANDT. BRANDT looks down and realizes that his previous attire has been replaced with a Sex Pistols tanktop, a fishnet undershirt, leather pants, and silver cross earrings.]
BRANDT: Um... this isn't what it looks like.
SHERL: I'm sure.
-->[This brings up a good point, is Brandt *still* mostly naked?]
-->[Depends on what happens in the opening, I guess. -Cosmos]
-->[Well, he's got the wrap, and Nnirk's cloak, so... -Chimera]
[Not sure where these clothes have come from... I don't see Psionic Seamstress listed among Sherl's powers. Now, is it funnier for him to be dressed like that, or to have the 'Scottish Tetsuo' look? -Chimera]
[I still say we have to wait to find out what happens in the opening. -Cosmos]
> Ai who looked like
> Washu & Ryoko crossed with purple hair & red eyes
VIPER: How unoriginal.
ONIKO: Really. It's just descriptions of other characters with a few minor color changes. I mean, who'd be so lazy as to say, "oh, they look like this character, but with this and this?" You know?
VIPER: I hear you.
[EVERYONE ELSE stares at VIPER and ONIKO.]
> & then there was
> Gelvar who was 8 foot tall, he had spikes coming rom his heels
ALAIR: A true slave to fashion.
> & elbows with huge fangs protuding from the sides of his mouth,
[SHERL peers at the line of description.]
SHERL <slowly and deliberately>: ...so he had elbows with fangs inside his mouth?
VIPER <cheerful>: And he's impaled to the floor, I think.
> he was brown with black tiger stripes & he was all muscle.
ONIKO: Wonderful, we have a Thundercats reject in the story.
VIPER <Elite>: COLOUR CHANGE! WORT WORT WORT!
BRANDT: Strong, yes. But the lack of skeletal and nervous systems made day-to-day life a problem. Oh yeah, and the lack of skin... just plain messy.
> Duke said "I have
> locked on to a planet
SHERL <Duke>: ...that is under the grip of Cobra! G.I. Joe, move out!
MAX: Weren't you originally supposed to die in the movie?
SHERL <Duke>: Move out and shut the Hell up!
> that will serve our puroses
BRANDT <Gelvar>: Do they have a nice Alfredo sauce for the puroses, or just tomato?
> well about 6.9
> million lightyears from our current position" "well whats keeping us
> from this place?"
MAX: Lack of inertia.
> said Gelvar "course set, engaging SNES drive...
> now"
SHERL: If a Lord Zophar shows up I'm going to have to get violent.
VIPER <Scotty>: We've gotta slow down cap'n. The Mode Seven chip canna take any more!
> & with that the ship disappered heading towards earth.
> Destination: The Ookayama prefacture.
>
> chapter 3:The truth
VIPER: -is out there.
[SHERL and MAX hum the X-files theme.]
[A table with two glasses - one filled with a clear liquid, the other with a thicker opaque pink one - and a small notecard between the two glasses drops down from the ceiling. ALL exchange glances, then get up to take a closer look.]
ALAIR <reading from the card>: "The U.S government allows dihydrogen monoxide to be sent to every home in the country. Dihydrogen monoxide is the active ingredient in Quimquaff." How... pointless.
MAX: A lot like the other Truth ads, rea- hey, what happened to the other glass?
[THIEF belches.]
ALAIR: Wait a minute... Quimquaff?
THIEF: You ever hear of it?
ALAIR: ...yeah... yeah, in passing, a while ago.
[THIEF holds up an all-too-familiar can.]
THIEF: Care for some?
[ONIKO holds up large sign reading, "NO!" behind THIEF's back.]
ALAIR: I'll pass, thanks.
THIEF: Eh, more for me. [sip] It's vagi-licious!
[Quimquaff is pink. It's more suggestive that way. -Chimera]
[I didn't need to know that. -Cosmos]
>
> "Look Tenchi, I'll come clean
MAX <Tenchi>: Thank God, when's the last time you washed that hat anyways?
> this isn't just a friendly visit
ALAIR <Adam>: -it's a hostile takeover. I'm afraid you've been bought out by the Coca-cola Company.
> because I have a feeling that you will need some help with what will
> happen in the next few days" said Adam,
SHERL <Adam>: And didn't I mention precognition on my awesome powers resume? Ah well, you should have been expecting it.
> "Why whats happening?"asked
> Tenchi but Adam only shook his head.
[ALAIR yawns at the sight of the tired cliche.]
SHERL: That's a relief. I thought they were going to use that tired cliche of "I got interrupted by something far less important than the real plot so I'll tell you later."
> Then the phone rang
SHERL: -and Adam just fucked up his cue. I'll be shutting up now.
> It was Hiwa
> Takashi, she telephoned Tenchi because she was dying & she
ALAIR: -wondered if he'd be so kind as to let her cat out for the night.
> arranged a
> visit, which pleased Tenchi.
MAX <Tenchi>: Learning that the people I care about are on the brink of death always perks me right up.
> When she arrived she met Adam & Caught
ONIKO: Since when did Adam have a partner?
MAX: More to the point, since when did Adam need a partner?
> up with had gone on in the time they hadn't seen each other & later
> that day Adam checked Hiwa out
[THIEF gives the screen a sleazy wolf whistle.]
> to see what he could do for her after
> all she was Tenchi's friend & he had not long ago absorbed a lot of
> different doctors knowlege
THIEF: A shame it was Mengele and Kervorkian.
MAX: Psychometry?
SHERL: Why not? I'm sure the guy has a telepathic link with all the toasters in existence, too.
> & was dying to try out the new found
> knowlege with out the other person trying to play doctor with him. He
> soon found that he may have a way to stop her dying.
ONIKO: He used two candles to switch his life for hers. A noble sacrifice.
[ALL bow their heads.]
ONIKO: So. S'mores anyone?
>
> Meanwhile in the orbit of the earth was the 'Galoob',
[NONE of the riffers are paying any attention to the screen. BRANDT has started a fire with his mind. All are holding sticks over the fire.]
ONIKO: Mystic Heart Wave Love Marshmellow Beam Powah!
[Marshmallows shoot out of ONIKO's wand to impale themselves on each stick.]
ONIKO: Sweeeet.
> the crew was
> just putting the finishing touches to their plan to take over
MAX: Huh. It's 'Alien Eye for the Earthling Guy'.
> & then
> use the resoures to build weapons of mass destruction,
VIPER: Although hit later turned out that the dossier profiling these weapons had been doctored.
SHERL <Iraqi Information Minister>: Nonsense. These people have no intention of building weapons, and they will never invade our beautiful country for the soldiers of Allah will crush them and their bodies will be eaten by the vultures. Allah is great.
> "Lets get this
> over with because the quicker we capture this planet the sooner we
> rule it" said Gelvar.
VIPER <Gelvar>: For whoever rules Halo... rules the *universe*.
> "what sort of resistance will we recive?" asked
> Ai,
BRANDT <Gelvar>: Well, there's Duke Nukem, Lester Knight Chaykin, Ness and Paula and Poo and Jeff, Mulder and Scully and Doggit, a Russian 'weather' satelite, Space Chef-
ONIKO: Space Chief.
BRANDT <Gelvar>: -Keaton and Hein and William, Ellen Ripley, Goku and Gohan, Earthworm Jim, Aeon Flux, Alex Rogan, Cloud Strife, the as yet unevolved spirit of Adam, Angel Sanchez, Gordon Freeman, Adrian Sheppard, Barney-
ALAIR: -both official AND unofficial Barney, who's bringing Kate-
BRANDT <Gelvar>: Erik and Baleog and Olaf, Conrad, Sam "Serious" Stone, Boston Lowe and Ludger Brink and Maggie, Christopher Blair and Captain Halcyon-
MAX: -and Maniac! WHOO!
BRANDT <Gelvar>: The X-Men, Superman, the Fantastic Four, MacReady and Windows and Childs, Turok the dinosaur hunter, Minuteman and the Man O' War, A-Ko, Godzilla-
VIPER: -not to mention Mothra and Jet Jaguar and Mecha-Godzilla...
BRANDT <Gelvar>: Jean Luc Picard, Captain Kirk, a whole mess of Space Marines, the mayor of SimCity, X-Com, the Men in Black, Parker and Ramses and Olga, thirty or forty different H.P. Lovecraft protagonists-
SHERL: -not that they'll help, being too busy dying in hideously unmentionable ways and writing about it as it happens...
BRANDT <Gelvar>: Nada and Frank, Kyle and Stan and Cartman, Brisco County Jr, Jonnie 'Goodboy' Tyler, Captain Steven Hiller and David Levinson, Ataru Morubishi and Lum, the Autumn's Master Chief, Delta Green-
DHP <over intercom>: -though they'll get screwed by Majestic 12...
BRANDT <Gelvar>: Zane Zaminski, Mister Roboto, Karen S'jet and the rest of the warrior Kiith, Aki Ross and Grey Edwards, Cale Tucker and Akima, the SDF1 then the SDF2 then a couple guys in Cyclones then the SDF3, Homer Simpson, Ace and Dexter and Kimberly-
LANCE <over intercom>: Shut up, shut up, SHUT THE FUCK UP-
BRANDT <Gelvar>: Oh yeah, and it turns out that even if we destroy all their military, then they'll still produce a single prototype starship which can destroy our entire fleet on its lonesome. [pants desperately.]
MAX <Duke>: Uh, sorry, could you repeat all that? I wasn't listening.
[BRANDT whimpers. Meanwhile, VIPER and ONIKO can't contain themselves and leap out of their seats, both taking an army salute.]
VIPER, ONIKO <yelling>: PILOT! BLAST OFF AND STRIKE AGAINST THE EVIL BYDO EMPIRE!
[A scream is heard over the intercom, and a giant mallet whaps the two maniacs repeatedly for a few seconds.]
LANCE <over intercom, sighing>: ...*much* better...
> readying her assault bio-cannon "well our scans show that there
> is very little that would stop us,
[BRANDT facepalms.]
> about the only things that will
> stop us is a 'nuclear missle', a 'H-bomb' or something called an
> 'A-bomb'
VIPER <Ai>: And if they combined them they could create the Ah-Ha Bomb!
SHERL: [hits VIPER] What did your teacher tell you about double negatives?
VIPER: They hurt your high score?
[SHERL hits VIPER again.]
MAX: Mind you, 'Take on Me' would be a good alien invader repellant.
> but I doubt they will use these weapons as they can also
> destroy a very large area & contaminate the soil as well as the
> water"
ALAIR <laughing>: Apparently they haven't been briefed on the current US President.
> said Duke playing with his wrist mounted auto-cannon.
ALAIR: Until he accidentally shoots down a space shuttle, we're not going to be impressed.
BRANDT <Damaramu>: Last but not least, water gun finger!
> "well lets go then!" said Gelvar getting up & picking up his weapon, a
> laser gattling gun
ALAIR: A laser Gatling gun? Isn't that pointless?
BRANDT: Hardly. Having separate lasing tubes reduces heat build-up and allows for a much greater rate of fire. And additionally the extra surface area on each would allow for superior cooling rates, not to mention-
MAX: -it sounds cool.
[BRANDT crosses his arms and hmpfs.]
> with a grenade launcher on the barrels.
SHERL: What, all of them?
ONIKO: I'm getting a major Fallout vibe from that thing.
VIPER: Really? I was thinking more along the lines of Abuse.
ONIKO: Abuse? But I came here for an argument!
VIPER: No you didn't.
ONIKO: Yes I did.
VIPER: No you didn't!
ONIKO: Yes I did!
VIPER: No you didn't!
ONIKO: This isn't an argument, it's just a contradiction!
VIPER: No it isn't!
LANCE <over intercom>: ENOUGH!
Posted on Jan 14, 2004, 10:59 PM from IP address 12.73.132.232