Yet more Mad Retributions. I need to think of a good repeating torture Lance can inflict.
by Chimera
[Encorporated Alair's stuff. -Chimera
>
> chapter 9: the moment Ryoko had waited for
BRANDT <Ryoko>: Woo hoo! They finally finished the third OAV!
[BRANDT <Ryoko> mimes reading a script.]
BRANDT <Ryoko>: Tenchi picks *WHO*!?
>
> Adam assumed the
THIEF: -wheelbarrow-
> position of the 'waterfoul fist' fighting style
ONIKO: Dude, the pool is NOT your personal bathroom.
-->MAX <Adam>: Practice what you preach, bro.
-->BRANDT: Is anybody else having flashbacks to Daffy Duck with his quarterstaff?
NEW-->ALAIR: Waterfoul fist? I bet he learned that from Daffy Duck.
NEW-->BRANDT <Daffy Duck>: I'll hoho and haha you with my trusty quarterstaff! Actually, it's a buck and a quarter quarterstaff, but I'm not telling HIM that.
==>[I know that there was actually a joke in that cartoon about the quarterstaff being some other size, but damned if I can remember it. Anybody else? -Cosmos]
> and
> used the technique to make his captives into ice cubes,
-->SHERL <Announcer>: When you have to have a cold drink *fast*...
NEW-->SHERL: -and hung them besides John Spartan and Simon Phoenix in the cryo-prison.
[Shouldn't there be some sort of fast food / frozen fish sticks joke here? -t.]
[Hm... no. -Chimera]
> and as the
> chunks landed they smashed into even more of a mess
VIPER <frighteningly deep voice>: Sub-Zero...wins.
MAX: Then Daedolon and the Crusader showed up and double-teamed him for stealing their moves.
> and disintergrated, "well that was the most difficult battle I ever had"
BRANDT: He's being sarcastic, right?
ALAIR: ...I honestly don't know.
MAX: If he is, then even *he* got tired of the author's Mary Suing.
> said Adam relaxing into a loose position,
SHERL: -then realizes the side effects of the "waterfoul" technique.
VIPER: Complete disintegration of the skeletal system.
MAX: ...ew.
-->[I'm tempted to make a reference to a Ray Bradbury short story here, but not sure how to word it, or if I should make the effort... -Chimera]
> "say, why don't we go
> somewhere where we can get some privacy" whispered Ryoko into Adam's
> ear,
THIEF <thoughtfully>: Yes, slowly torturing him to death with a wire saw WILL require much privacy. You are a wise and wily woman, Ryoko. [pauses, then says passionately] I must possess her!
> "sure", said Adam opening a portal and taking Ryoko by the hand
> and walking through the portal. "Oh, man, that.. was mind blowing.
ONIKO <Ryoko, stoned>: That was just trippy, maaaan.
ALAIR <Ryoko>: Is this that Woodstock place our parents are always talking about?
> I..I never expirianced anything like it" said Ryoko panting,
-->ALAIR <Ryoko>: ...now explain the broom closet.
ONIKO: Does the author really think that Ryoko is a virgin?
BRANDT: Either that, or it's the last, worst, possible act of mary-sueing.
-->VIPER: ...was there a sex scene that we missed?
FIXED-->MAX: Apparently. I'm just glad we didn't see it. For starters, we didn't have to see the fruits of the fact that most authors can't write sex scenes to save their life.
SHERL: Although it could be the sort of thing where an imagined horror is worse than one seen. Sort of like in "The Third Man."
ALAIR: Or something by Lovecraft.
SHERL: Yeah, yeah, I know, or something by Lovecraft.
> "I thought you enjoyed it,
==>THIEF <Ryoko>: I was faking. I was being sarcastic.
==>ONIKO <Adam>: Was not!
==>THIEF <Ryoko>: Was too!
==>[OR]
ONIKO <Adam>: -what with all that screaming...
THIEF <Ryoko>: Oh, no, it's just that I suddenly noticed those AWFUL curtains. Does that mean you're done? I'm sorry, I really stopped paying attention after a while.
> you were screaming so loud you broke the mirror"
ALAIR: Uh oh, seven years bad luck for Ryoko.
ONIKO: No, that was *him*. [He jabs his thumb at MAX]
MAX: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE-
[SHERL knocks MAX unconscious with a heavy chunk of the ceiling's debris and shakes his head sadly.]
SHERL: Poor kid.
> he said pointing at the small hand mirror on the chest of
> draws
BRANDT <slowly>: A chest full of draws? So will we be seeing a gunslinger stop by to pick up a 'draw' or two before he engages in a showdown?
NEW-->[Long pause.]
NEW-->BRANDT: Huh. That moment seems oddly bereft of attempts to murder me. Suspiciously so, even.
NEW-->[LANCE sneaks up behind BRANDT with a plastic bag. A green targetting icon appears on BRANDT's back as he raises the bag. After a second, the icon turns yellow, then red.]
NEW-->ALAIR: [pokes BRANDT] You know, you've got somebody behind you.
NEW-->[BRANDT whips around. A red exclaimation point pops up over his head. LANCE curses and runs off.]
NEW-->BRANDT <confusedly>: Oookay... [His red ! becomes a blue ?, then vanishes.]
NEW-->VIPER: [swats ALAIR] Why did you warn him!?
[Mad retribution here. -t.]
> on the other side of the large room, "its a good jod all the
> rooms are soundproof" said Adam,
MAX: 'jod'? What the hell's a jod?
THIEF <Ryoko>: [mimes wiping his mouth] Nah, not that great a jod, too salty.
VIPER: Zod's incompetant twin brother?
ONIKO <Jod>: STAND BEFORE JOD!
SHERL: It's Danish for, "I don't bother to check my typing."
VIPER <Adam>: ...because it's time to meet Mr. Chef's Knife and his sidekick, Ms. Internal Hemorrhaging!
NEW-->MAX: Yeah, uh, that was a RHETORICAL QUESTION, guys.
> lying back, looking at Ryoko who had
> a light sheen of persperation,
THIEF: Only a little sweat? And you're DONE? Adam, you great bloody gelding. Why didn't you twink yourself in this area too?
ALAIR: Maybe he thought he did. [snicker]
> "I never thought it would be so..
> undescribable"
MOVED-->MAX <Ryoko>: Can't I have a *little* description?
VIPER <Ryoko>: I mean, hey Author? What is up with that? Work with me here!
> said Ryoko moving closer to Adam, "why do you hide
> your body?"
ALAIR <Adam>: Let's put it this way: when you get a tattoo of your girlfriend, make sure you tell the tattoo artist how to spell her name first.
THIEF <Adam>: Especially when her name is Gayle Fokker.
> "because if I walked around showing off my body I would
> be arrested for exposure"
MAX: ...or bad taste.
> "you know what I mean" "oh, yeah, I know
> I'll walk around without a shirt, just show my arms, and watch as all
> the girls either faint or start to drool,
MOVED-->ONIKO: Hm... [checks BRANDT with comical care] Nah, you're wrong Adam, his chin's dry.
MOVED-->BRANDT: Wait, what?
VIPER: Yeah, on that note should we count ourselves lucky that he's been going for the dark mysterious angle rather than the hunky, muscly type.
[Pause.]
MAX: The lesser of two evils I suppose.
> or even better, I'll wear
> no shirt and a pair of cycling shorts, extra tight and see every
> woman that looks at me die"
ALAIR: I can see the headline now, 'THOUSANDS DIE AS WOMEN GOUGE OUT THEIR OWN EYES!'
MAX: Excuse me, who's talking?
ONIKO: I'm praying it's Ryoko. Mmm.
SHERL <Adam>: For as my uncle Ben once said, before I saved him from that mug... army of muggers.
[He pauses, stands up, and adopts a heroic pose]
SHERL <Adam>: With great sexy, sexy body comes great responsibility!
BRANDT: Well, he has a healthy self-image, at least...
> "there's no need for sarcasam" "oh? just
> like theres no need for Tenchi"
MAX: And we have anime title reference!
SHERL: What's this? The fifth in this chapter?
> "fuck you" "I don't go for that
> stuff, but you do, don't you?" "how would like a fat lip?"
VIPER <Adam>: No thank you, I don't care for punk rock.
> "how would
> you like to be kicked out of my house?" "kiss my chuddies" "I already
> have, remember?"
==>THIEF <Ryoko>: Well, that was more suckling, than kissing. Perhaps a bit of nibbling...
==>ONIKO: I can safely say that I can almost envy Adam, hearing that.
==>[OR]
BRANDT <quiet voice>: I don't know who's talking, so I don't know what 'chuddies' are. And I really never ever want to know. Ever.
> "what time is it?" "time I got outta my pit" came
> the reply,
VIPER <confused>: Reptile? What are *you* doing there?
> "you havin' a shower?" "with you, yeah, without then no"
> "tramp"
BRANDT: Who *is* talking?
ONIKO <"Me">: You are such a d**k!
MAX <Wizard>: You're a d**k!
ONIKO <"Me">: You're a d**k!
MAX <Wizard>: You're a d**k!
ONIKO <"Me">: You a d-
[ONIKO begins to choke. MAX, alarmed, performs the Heimlich maneuver on ONIKO, who eventually spits out a huge wad of asterisks.]
ONIKO <gagging>: That's the last time I speak Censorese.
MAX <to himself, awed>: I saved Shinji's life! I actually saved Shinji's life! Wait until the guys at the anime club hear about this!
==>[For the record, it's called shorthand]
> Adam was silent,
==>BRANDT, MAX: Thank you!
==>[OR]
ALAIR <marveling>: That's got to be the most concrete proof of God's existence I've ever seen.
BRANDT: [dangling his crucifix temptingly] There's still time to conveeerrrt....
==>OTHERS: Me first! ME ME ME!
> "whats the matter?" "nothing, but I thought
> that I heard a noise"
THIEF: That's just Ryoko's maidenhead reknitting itself in pure denial as to what just occurred.
> "its your imagination, come back to bed"
MAX: Wasn't it daytime?
> but Adam was already out the door wearing a black silk robe, with a
> picture of a chinese dragon emblazed in silver.
BRANDT: Looks like his robe suffered the same fate as Shriker's gi.
> "wow, this place is huge,
VIPER: Good one, Little W!
SHERL <Washu>: I'm just saying it's big, is all.
-->MOVED-->MAX: Her lab spans several dimensions, but Washu is still easily impressed by the wonders of Suburbia.
> I wonder where them pair are. Oh, lets see in the study" said
> Washu as she opened the door marked 'study'
BRANDT: -as she stepped across that flat surface labeled 'floor' and almost tripped over the four-legged animal marked 'cat', she began to wonder about Adam's sanity.
> and she was greeted by
BRANDT: -Colonel Mustard, with the candlestick.
> the shelf upon shelf of videos, "fist of the north star the movie
> (live action), Tenchi Muyo! Ryo-ohki, pretty sammy,
THIEF <Washu>: Wait a fucking minute, what are these sticky white stains on the Pretty Sammy cover?
-->[This one only works if the Pretty Sammy cover has Sasami front and center, really... if the Ryo-ohki cover's got the cabbit on it, that'd work too. -Chimera]
> daugther of
> darkness, Tenchi in love, Tenchi forever,"
VIPER <Adam>: I'm a consumer whore!
ONIKO: ...and how!
> read Washu out loud, then
> Washu pulled a Tenchi Muyo! Ryo-ohki video (volume 7,
ONIKO: Is that the one where the mailman's disappeared and they find the swarm of Ryo-ohkis crouched in a puddle of blood gnawing on tattered envelopes?
> which by
> coincedence has Washu on the front) "so what do we have here?" Washu
> gasped and fumbled the video but managed to get hold of it again.
ALAIR: Poor Washu, even her basic motor skills are fading.
[MAX breaks down again and sobs.]
>
> chapter 10: Adams past (part two)
BRANDT: -the Revenge.
ALAIR: This time, even God gives in.
>
> Adam sprung over the railing two floors up, and landed without a
> whisper,
SHERL: -but with two broken legs!
ALL: We wish!
> taking a sword form the samurai armour in the hall,
MAX: Why? With the power to shatter mountains with his bare hands, the sword can only make him WEAKER.
> and
> noticed the door to the study was open, he moved without a sound and
> with great speed,
SHERL: -and completely overshot the door, crashing comically into the China cabinet down the hall.
> and
ALAIR <narrator>: -as is the convention in these instances, slipped on a banana peel.
> when he found the person, he was mildly
> surprised to find who it was. "so this is were you took my daugther,
ONIKO <Adam>: No, I took her upstairs.
[ONIKO is violently launched face first into the screen. He bounces off, hits the floor with a painful sounding crunch and pulls himself up and faces the others with his hands on his hips.]
ONIKO: All right, who did that?
[ALL glare at him.]
ONIKO: Fine. [He limps backs to his seat and sits down.] Be that way.
> nice place she said holding the video in her hand, "and what good
> taste you have in videos, I mean look at all the tenchi videos"she
> said gesturing to the shelf,
THIEF <Washu>: Hey, you even have the one where Ayeka went crazy, and used the Jurai sword-hilt as a strap-on to screw Ryoko, Mihoshi, me, and then Ryo-Ohki, before going after Tenchi-
MAX: 'Tenchi Vs Sailormoon' doujinshi isn't canon, ya freak!
THIEF: Oh, I know. I was just curious to see who'd admit to reading it.
[Long pause.]
MAX: ...fuck.
> "well, I have a wide range of tastes but
> there is no hentai there,
THIEF <Adam>: It took up too many shelves, so I keep it all in the basement. Ever watched "Bondage Game?"
ONIKO: If a guy says they don't have any porn, they're either lying or broke.
-->[Changed Thief's line from "Cool Devices" to "Bondage Game." It's even more sick than CD, if you'll believe it. -OH]
-->[I DO find that a bit hard to believe. I'll have to watch it sometime. -Chimera]
> mostly action movies, romantic comedys,
[ALL burst into laughter.]
ALAIR: Well, now we know his relationship with Ryoko is just to hide his real sexuality.
BRANDT: But... *I* like romantic comedies.
ALAIR <unsurprised>: Is that so.
> like the one in your hand, martial arts, about every genre of anime
> but like I said, no hentai"
VIPER <Adam>: I have no naughty thoughts!
MAX <Washu>: Doesn't Sakura Diaries count?
THIEF <Adam>: No, it does not!
> "yeah, right!" said Ryoko wearing a black
> robe like Adams except it had a tiger on the back,
ONIKO: Which, I'm sure by no sheer coincidence, is crouching.
ALAIR: And Adam's dragon is hiding, but he claims it's just the cold air.
VIPER <Ryoko>: By the way...I'd like to ask you something. It's about that day...
> "well if it ain't
> the lovers"
ONIKO: Dan Steely?
> said Washu, gazing at Adam who was still wearing his hat,
VIPER: ...on what?
MAX: Kinky bastard.
SHERL <singing>: You can keep your hat on...
> Washu noticed. "What's the matter with you ma,
MAX: Ryoko doesn't call Washu 'ma,' story.
> I wanted some" "action" Washu cut in, "no ma, I wanted some priviacy, I wanted
> Adam but he refused so I managed to persude him
[THIEF glomps SHERL.]
THIEF <Ryoko>: Yes, it was all my doing and mine alone! I seduced this pure and noble young man! He would have none of my shameless advances, but-
SHERL: ...you can let go now.
THIEF: [bats his eyelashes coyly] But why would I do that? It worked for Ryoko and it can work for-
[SHERL tears himself out of THIEF's grasp and jumps up and clings desperately to the rafters.]
THIEF <heartbroken>: Wait, don't go! Come back!.. [sniffles]
==>[Somethin' about a large, strong anthro cat clinging to the ceiling to escape Thief's advances makes me giggle. -Chimera]
> and if you must known,
> yes, I enjoyed it" Washu was shocked
==>ONIKO <Washu>: But you're a LESBIAN!
==>ALAIR <Ryoko>: ...oh yeah, I forgot.
==>[OR]
ONIKO <Washu>: But you're a LESBIAN!
ALAIR <Ryoko>: ...wait, are you saying Adam's not a girl? [pause} EEEWWW!
> and as soon as she regained her
> composture she said
VIPER <Washu, compost>: I am thrilled to accept your garden waste.
> "so, you just left on the impusle
BRANDT: You SHOULD leave if you've got an impusle, you need to get a doctor to lance that.
> that you would
> get somewhere with Adam, well now are you happy?"
BRANDT <singing>: If you could look me in the eye, and tell me that you're happy now, whoooOOOohhh...
> "yes, I am thank
> you" this shook Washu,
ALL <singing>: And Washuuu... shook me allll night long. Yes, Washu! Shook me all, night long!
NEW-->[ALL but BRANDT suddenly yelp as their seats drop out from under them, dunking them into the piranha tank below. BRANDT continues to hover where his seat was.]
NEW-->BRANDT <smiling>: I DO learn from my mistakes, now and again-
NEW-->[A giant hammer comes down and whacks BRANDT down into the tank with the others.]
NEW-->LANCE <over intercom>: Not nearly fast enough, punk.
[Mad retribution, most definitely, right here. -t.]
[Okay. Just that I didn't want to have the Mad attack every time I made a pun. It'd reach over-saturation pretty quick. We can put one in later on. -Chimera]
> "it was a rtohrical question"
ONIKO <puzzled>: So it was an off-sided rectangle?
BRANDT: That's a rhombus.
ONIKO: So it was...
[Long pause.]
ONIKO <ashamed>: That's all the guesses I've got.
VIPER: Say it ain't so!
ONIKO: I'm... I'm so sorry.
VIPER: I used to BELIEVE in you, man. Now... I'm goin' to law school!
ONIKO: [clutches his head] NOOOOOOO!
> "well you should
> ask proper questions if your looking for answers"
ALAIR: It was rhetorical. She wasn't looking for answers.
MAX: Neither were we.
> "look, I want you
> to stop before you get hurt, I" "want you to stop seeing Adam because
BRANDT <Washu>: -my studies show that he does indeed have 'cooties'. Also, 'boy germs'.
[ALAIR makes disgusted little girl sounds and giggles.]
> of the attention he is atrracting from me and the others back at
> Tenchi's" said Adam
BRANDT: -butting in on a conversation which he isn't welcome in, like the... the-
ONIKO: Goddamn egotistical motherfucker.
BRANDT: -he is! [to ONIKO] Thanks.
ONIKO: Null perspiration.
> copying Washu's voice as he came back with a tray
> of tea and other things,
VIPER <Adam>: Ooh, ooh, check this out!
[VIPER <Adam>, hand behind ALAIR <Washu> like a ventriloquist's dummy, begins drinking a glass of water.]
ALAIR <Washu, singing>: I'm a little teapot, short and stout! Here is my handle, here is my spout!
VIPER <Adam>: Isn't that great?
ALAIR <Washu>: I want some ham!
VIPER <Adam>: No, Washu, you may not have any ham, you're just a puppet!
ALAIR <Washu>: Why can't I have any ham?
VIPER <Adam>: You are nothing more than wood shavings! Can't you see? NO HAM FOR YOU!
[VIPER begins shaking ALAIR, who backs away.]
ALAIR: Wait, what are we referencing now?
VIPER: Referencing?
> "that's not.." " bullshit,
THIEF <Adam>: -everybody wants me! You want me and she wants me and and-
[THIEF points into the rafters at SHERL, who clings tighter to his support beam.]
THIEF <Adam>: -he wants me and-
[THIEF points at ALAIR, who throws her popcorn bucket at him.]
THIEF <Adam>: -she wants me and [points at VIPER] even *it* wants me-
VIPER: -HEY!
THIEF <Adam>: -you all want MEEEEEEEEEEEEE! [collapses to the floor panting] Damn my sexy body!
> Washu you came
> here to check on me, not your daughter, or should I say creation?
VIPER <singing>: It's my creation... is it reeeeal? It's my creation... I do not know...
> go on admit it"
ONIKO <Adam, muttering>: That's right, continue to drive a wedge between mother and daughter, soon both shall be mine! [pause] Did I just say that aloud?
BRANDT: By the way, are you ever going to come down, Sherlock?
SHERL: NOT UNTIL YOU'RE SANE! OR HETERO! EITHER ONE! OR BOTH!
BRANDT: Aw, c'mon, it'll be okay. [coaxing] I've got a ball of yarn...
SHERL <suddenly happy>: Yarn?
[SHERL drops down, scrambling to the yarn as it's tossed, and batting it about with his huge paws.]
ALAIR: Awww... so cute...
> "alright, I admit there was some truth in that, but I
> was worried that something might of happened to Ryoko
==>THIEF <Washu>: My bitch is not allowed to come without her Mistresses' permission, you see.
==>[OR]
THIEF <Adam>: Now, don't be silly, she's perfectly fine in the company of her new Master, making all kinds of new friends among her fellow white slaves...
> and she is my
> daughter not my creation, after all you own all the videos, you
> should know that"
THIEF <Adam>: I tend to fast forward over the talky stuff and just watch the fanservice.
> said Washu looking away to prevent Ryoko from
> seeing her show such weakness,
SHERL <Ryoko>: Oh dear, mother's ear looks so depressed...
> "Washu, Ryoko can look after herself
> after all she is.." Adam tryed to recall how old she was, "over 700
> years old"
MAX: Sorry, no. It's either 5017 or 17.
-->[Hey, how old is Tenchi anyways? -Chimera]
> he said really disappointed he couldn't remember, "and how
> old are you, Adam?" asked Washu snidely,
MAX: This should be good.
VIPER <Snake>: Old enough to know what death looks like.
ONIKO: Snake isn't in this 'fic. You're imagining that.
VIPER: That's what's making it so great.
[VIPER closes his eyes and slumps into seat, a wide smile on his face.]
> "old enough to know
ONIKO: He's evading the question.
> what I feel,
ALAIR <Adam>: -and right now I feel the need to go potty. [starts to leave, then pauses] Um... I need somebody to hold my hand.
> and anyway, I have loved and lost many people close to me and I
> have absorbed a hell of a lotta knowlege,
MAX <Adam>: Literally. I just touch a book and I know it all already. I'm freaking Meteor Man here.
VIPER <Adam>: The downside is my face gets all veiny and I try to destroy the world, but thems the breaks, right?
> in my time so don't doubt
> me" said Adam visciously,
ALL: Whoa!
BRANDT: Um... Adam, I know a few support groups who can help with these self-esteem issues of yours. They really work. Last week the Hulk got a breakthrough! I held him while he cried.
ALL: ...
> "then why have you lost so many loved
> ones?"
SHERL <Adam>: Because I'm a sucker for the poker table, okay?
> "Washu, I think that your digging yourself grave" said Ryoko
ALAIR <Ryoko>: -you know better than to use logic on the SI.
> trying to get Adam not to blow his top,
THIEF: Now Ryoko, don't lie on his behalf... we both know he won't be able to 'blow his top' again until he's had a few day's rest and a lot of vitamin E.
> "well, Washu I will answer
> the question, I have lost loved ones because I fight for what is
> right,
MAX <announcer>: Got to get tough! Yo Joe!
SHERL <Adam>: For ego, nookie, and the self-inserted way!
> I wish it was not that way at times, hell I even became pure
> evil nothing could stop me,
ONIKO <Washu>: [gasp] You're the guy who plays Barney the Dinosaur?
BRANDT: When does the 'fighting for right' come in?
> the forces of heaven and hell combined
> and still I rampaged on,
BRANDT: Still waiting for the 'fighting for right' bit.
NEW-->ALAIR: In fact- why the heck did Adam attack those fishmen at the beginning!? All they were doing was swimming around!
NEW-->THIEF: Because they were moist and smelled fishy, and Adam didn't want to be tempted. He can't afford another incident like that time at Seaworld.
NEW-->ALAIR: Oh, well, that makes perfect sense the- huh?
> killing and slaughtering anyone or thing
> that stood in my path"
ONIKO: HULK SMASH!
BRANDT: Uh, he stopped that, Oniko. Now he's in touch with his feelings.
ONIKO: ...you bastard.
MAX <Washu>: If you're trying to convince me that my daughter will be safe with you, you're doing a bad job of it.
ONIKO <Adam>: I'm trying to tell you that I always get what I want.
MAX <Washu>: In that case, you're doing an excellent job!
SHERL: Sounds a lot like Lobo.
> said Adam, with his fist clenched so tight
> that the bones and cords stood out,
BRANDT <softly>: If there pushed any ragged thistle-stalk / Above its mates, the head was chopped; the bents / Were jealous else.
ALAIR: ...are you referring to his cords 'standing out', or symbolically to Adam's influence overwhelming the canon?
ONIKO: Or to his penis?
BRANDT <icily>: All of the above.
> "I have the blood of so many
> innocents on my hands from trying to save others
VIPER: [holds up a white cloth] Wetnap?
ALAIR <Washu>: Did it ever occur to you that maybe you're not cut out for the hero business?
-->ONIKO: Oh yeah, I know what he's saying. I mean, the pedestrians always jump in front of your ambulance, and it's not like I'm getting paid for *them*.
-->[I don't know, maybe we blew our quota of GTA riff last episode.]
-->[At least be a bit more clever about it. I STILL don't know why people have such trouble with the ambulance mission, anyways. I got it the first try on both games. -Chimera]
> when I have been
> consumed with rage for the world, what you don't understand Washu, is
> the effect that having you life being shit from day one,
==>VIPER: But shit out of what? Inquiring minds want to know!
THIEF <Adam, singing>: Shallow skin, I can paint with pain, I mark a trail down my arms with your disdain! Every day it's the same; I love you hate but I guess I don't care anymore!
> bulids you
> up with so much rage, so much anger that you will eventally turn to
> the wrong side.
ONIKO <Adam, singing>: I feel the reason as it's leaving me, no, not again...
SHERL <singing backup>: Make me baaaad...
VIPER <Adam>: That's when I created the living Stress Ball... but that a different, much more disturbing story.
THIEF: Oh, this is blatant discrimination! I am sick and tired of evil being portrayed as a negative thing! "Wrong side," my ass. Where's the damn fun in being good, huh? Where's the money, the fast cars, the whores?
==>ALAIR: Sit down.
==>THIEF: I WANT MY WHORES, DAMN IT!
> I have several times, I am half creature of the
> night, I can destroy any world I choose, I am virtually a god,
ONIKO: Huh. Looks like Inu-Yasha got the short end of the stick.
> I know gods with less power than I possese,
VIPER: Then, you're not 'virtually a god', you are a god.
BRANDT <Ryoko>: Stop now, while you still can!
MAX <Adam>: But I can't. Why would I? I am about to transcend time and humanity, and become... a GOD!
ALAIR: I've got it! Maybe Adam is in reality one of the faces of Nyarlathotep.
> I can and have destroyed towns,
> villages, sprawling citys, and just because I have lost a loved one.
VIPER: How petty.
BRANDT: Especially when we realize that he's referring to his beloved Hummel figures.
VIPER: Oh, in that case, I can understand. I mean, look how very cute 'Boy With A Toothache' is!
[VIPER pulls a hummel figure from his quills and hugs it close, swaying and whispering something about 'my precious!' to himself.]
BRANDT: ...I'm just going to carefully ignore that. A lot.
> When my wife was killed by count Dracula, I went into the castle and
> tore every creature apart with my very own hands, the hands that hold
> your daughter,
ONIKO: The CreepOmeter is going off the scale, cap'n! She canna take much more!
ALAIR: I think I'm gonna have to shower for a few days when I get out of here, anybody else?
[ALL make sounds of agreement.]
> the hands that have snached Tenchi from the jaws of
> death, and I even ripped death apart,
MAX: I don't think that's what Lovecraft meant when he said 'Even death may die'.
SHERL: Well, that's done it. He's going to have a horde of 'perky-goth' fanboys out for his blood now.
> whose touch is sudden death,
MAX <Simon Belmont>: Really now?
ALAIR <Sonia Belmont>: It wasn't when I met him.
ONIKO <Trevor Belmont>: Same here.
BRANDT <Richter Belmont>: It hurts, though. A little.
SHERL <Alucard>: ...and that's *if* you even get hit.
VIPER <Soma Cruz>: Can't talk. Busy looking bishounen.
> and when I found Dracula, hmm, I tore him apart piece by piece, limb
> from limb
SHERL: That explains why his eye, rib, fingernail, heart and fang are always lying around the castle.
MAX: What about the ring?
SHERL: Saw it in theaters. Real scary.
NEW-->LANCE <over intercom>: You... little... bas- what the fuck?
NEW-->[A little girl phases out of the screen and latches onto SHERLOCK. ALL shriek and duck under their seats.]
NEW-->ONIKO: So why is the omnipotent uberpsychic hiding with the rest of us!?
NEW-->BRANDT <defensively>: I was startled, is all! I'm not afraid!
NEW-->[Long pause.]
NEW-->BRANDT: ...s-s-so is it okay to come out yet?
NEW-->[SHERL's corpse thuds to the floor in front of the seats, his face frozen into a rictus of soul-shattering horror.]
NEW-->ALAIR: Yep. I'll get the dephibulator.
NEW-->VIPER: CLEAAAR!
[Jesus Christ. Mad retribution. -t.]
> and then when the true Dracula showed himself,
NEW-->VIPER: CLEAAAAR!
NEW-->[*ZAP*]
SHERL <jolting upright>: I can just imagine Adam coming up with some dumb 'showing your true form' one-liner at that point!
NEW-->ONIKO: Well, wasn't that remarkably, even unrealistically, easy?
> I could
> smell the fear coming off him, as he had witnessed my destruction of
> everything that moved in that castle,
BRANDT: [gasp] Even the perpetual motion machine? You monster!
ONIKO <Adam as Homer>: In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!
> I didn't kill dracula, I
> obliterated him.
MAX: Whoa. Have *you* got a personal problem, or *what*?
> And then the castle that caused horror to even the
> toughtest man, warped in to a more sinister place when I killed
> Dracula,
VIPER: Yeah yeah, and this is the origin of the IRS and the Republican party, we know, story...
> and that was when the killing started and then raged on for
> a few years until I almost killed a beautiful woman,
VIPER <Adam>: You can tell that it was right about this point I hit puberty...
> it was strange
> because I had killed other women some more preety
==>THIEF: What a waste! Everyone knows you don't kill them right off the bat!
==>[OR]
THIEF: [snort] Straight men don't kill them right off the bat, Adam.
ONIKO: Uh, we don't kill them at all.
THIEF: Yes, YOUR kind stalks and kills beautiful men. [smirk]
> and felt great
> pleasure when I ripped them apart but this one,
BRANDT: Remind me again why the heroes like this guy on their team?
MAX: He always buys the first round of "tea".
> she was not scared or
> anything she even walked over to me and held her neck out, yet I
> could not bite it.
ONIKO: Platineck (tm). For all the protection you'll need.
VIPER <Adam>: I chpped a tuuf ah bi' mah tunn.
> i then looked myself and discovered that I was the
> worst monster ever,
SHERL <Comic Shop Guy>: Worst. Monster. Ever.
VIPER <Adam, singing>: I haven't slept since I woke up and found my whole life was a lie, MOTHER FUCKER!
> I was merciless to my forces of darkness, I
> killed many for thoughts that I was uncontrolable, that I wasn't
> playing with a full deck,
ALAIR <Irritably>: And I thought Holden Caulfield's endless whining was bad enough.
ONIKO <Adam>: Then Albedo kicked my ass for taking his gimmick. That sucked.
> but this woman, she was not scared, and
> when I had discovered what I became, a load had seemed to leave my
[THIEF opens his mouth.]
OTHERS: DON'T SAY IT!
THIEF: [smirks] You were thinkin' it. I win anyways.
[OTHERS fume.]
> mind, and the hellish creatures I created disappered, and Castlevania
> crumbled.
MAX <Adam>: The Schwartzwind was alive and well.
> I only return to that place to visit my wifes grave, which
> I carved before I went crazy."
[A stack of shipping crates labeled "ANGST" land in a corner of the theater.]
MAX <knowledgeably>: Oh, those must be for Shinji.
ONIKO: DAMNIT, THEY AREN'T- oh yeah, actually, they are.
ALAIR: Pardon?
ONIKO: Well, how do you expect me to be a proper bish without angst or a severe mental problem, or both?
SHERL <mutters>: You are already in a dress.
BRANDT: Excellent Oniko, you DID read all the rules! Though really, I never bothered with that silly rule... I mean, who needs angst or mental problems to be cute?
ONIKO: ...uh-huh.
BRANDT: I hear tell that the Bishounen Guild will assign you a set of angsty mental problems if you don't come up with some yourself, but that's nonsense. I mean, just look at me!
[Long pause, before ONIKO runs over to the ANGST crates at a blur and physically dives into them.]
-->[...and I know I can do something with this, but don't have the time at the moment. If anyone else wants to take a shot at it... -OH]
-->[Eh, not my best effort. -Chimera]
> "I had no idea.." "no one ever does"
MAX <Dave>: They think they know. They think they understand. But none of them know; they could never-
ALAIR <VAL>: You spend your days talking to EverQuest characters. What else is there to know?
MAX <Dave>: Yeah, uh, shut up.
> said Adam, getting up and sitting behind a large desk upon which sat
> a skull,
ALAIR: Horatio, no!
VIPER <Adam>: See that? That's the last established character that didn't bow to my will.
> a personal computer and a few other objects. "Adam, I'm
> sorry about how I acted, will you forgive me?"
ONIKO <Washu>: [mimes reading] -Washu then acts repentant, getting on her knees before the Great Adam, pleading and begging for his divine forgiveness- [looks up] Oh, come on now, don't you think this is going a little too far?
SHERL <Adam>: Oh yeah, I forgot the whole oral sex thing... [snatches the script and starts writing]
> "hmmmm, I'll have to
> think about that" he said smiling to himself, Oh, and Washu, if you want
THIEF <Adam>: -some of the Big Adamski, you're gonna have to get in line.
-->[I can't think of a good way of applying Adam to the Big Valbowski. Can anyone do better?]
> to sit and watch the videos, then go ahead, I can see your
> itching to,
BRANDT: Nah, that's just a casting of 'Woeful Itch'. Try to roll under your Con x 5, Washu!
> seeing as you seem rather attached to that one in your
> hand"
> Washu noticed that her hand had turned white with the pressure
> she was applying,
ALAIR <Washu>: Must control... Fist of Death.
MAX <disgusted>: No need on my account.
> "just slap it in
SHERL: You know, that could be seen as an incentive to break the video. And possibly the VCR too.
> and I'll make breakfast after I
> phone Sasami and let her know that your both having breakfast here
VIPER <Washu>: Actually, I was just stopping by on the way to have breakfast with Tenc-
ONIKO <Adam>: YOU WILL OBEY MY WILL.
VIPER <Washu>: [sighs] I hear and obey.
> and is they wanna watch the pretty sammy videos and the Mihoshi
> special"
VIPER <Washu>: By the way, wouldn't finding out I'm a mere cartoon character and that my entire life is a charade kind of, ya know, drive me insa-
ONIKO <Adam>: -j-just...shut up, all right?
> so after Adam put on his usual pair of black jeans and black
> shirt
BRANDT: That would probably make doing the laundry much easier.
MAX: Laundry? He sweats rose water; why would he need to do laundry?
> he phoned Sasami and set about preparing breakfast for himself
> and Washu and Ryoko, while the other girls set about making theirs,
FIXED-->SHERL: [snorts] Lazy prick. A gentleman would've made breakfast for everybody.
THIEF: Nah, he's just tired from that rockin' thirteen seconds of pure animal sex he gave Ryoko last night. Man, those marathon sessions drain him like nothin' else.
> "its been a while since you made our breakfast" said Sonja, "yeah"
> agreed the twins, "well hang on then, I'll go get blood from a stone
[Stone Cold Steve Austin's entrance music starts playing for no reason, then stops abruptly. ALL look around confused.]
> and then I'll make breakfast for you"
THIEF <Sonja>: Mmmm, stoneblood omelets, my favorite!
> "we'll do it ourselves then,"
> said Ani, "tell me how you make them shakes that you always drank"
THIEF <Adam>: First you take the fresh testicles from a ripe male... while any humanoid species will do, I find that those of the elf persuasion have an interesting sweetness to them. Probably all the fruit, and because they're pansies. Next-OW!
> said Una, "its a recipe that will die with me" said Adam with an air
> about him,
MAX <quickly>: I call no fart jokes.
SHERL <Adam>: ...oh, geesh! The mortality thing you guys have! Sorry!
> "selfish bastard" muttered Sonja "yes I am aren't I" said
> Adam smugly.
BRANDT: Wow, even he admits he's smug!
Posted on Jan 15, 2004, 11:27 PM from IP address 172.147.212.80