I can't believe I left it for so long with just this little left.
by Cosmos
>
> Chapter 4: The attack on Sasami
VIPER: Sounds like a lemon title to me.
>
> The zianoids had set-up a mobile base not far from the Masaki house,
ONIKO: Shaped like a pizza delivery van, no less.
MAX: The truck next to it was from Flowers By Irene.
SHERL: Is it worth asking why neither Adam nor Washu were able to detect it?
VIPER: Nope.
> "It seems that our target has a gift for attracting the women, as
> does the boy he is staying with." Said Buel,
ONIKO <Buel>: The percentage chance of us getting any this weekend: .0001%
> the leader of the pack
ALAIR <singing>: I met him at the candy store...
> of zianoids that were sent to deal with Adam. "Sir, it seems that
> Adam has a great amount of power, still untapped,
ALL <deadpan>: Of course he does.
BRANDT: But does he have an empty aura that's mysteriously full?
> almost as if he is holding back",
MAX: Anyone willing to take odds on whether he's Saiyan? [dead silence] Anyone? Brandt? You've suffered a lot of head trauma...
BRANDT: Hey! ...waitaminute, I have?
> "interesting, I wonder..."
ALAIR: *I* wonder who else is in the room with Buel.
> "sir what if we capture one of the residents, and make Adam surrender?"
SHERL: ...Adam can teleport, read minds, controls time, space, and continuity, makes stuff up at his every whim, break the fourth wall of every scene he's been in, and maybe can even program a VCR, and these "Zianoids" think they stand some kind of chance?
BRANDT: And you didn't even mention how quickly he makes julienne fries.
MAX <singing>: You gotta belieeeeeve...
> "Good idea".
MAX <Buel>: He'll *never* think of charging headfirst into our base in a violent rage, massacring everyone in his path to rescue her. It's foolproof!
> So they set about deciding which one they would kidnap.
SHERL <Buel>: Anybody got a coin? Anybody?
> "The one referred to as Ryoko
ALAIR <Buel>: Possibly because that's her name, but let's not jump to any hasty conclusions here.
> has great power, as do most of the people in the house hold,
BRANDT <Buel>: -or at least they did at one time, before this fic got ahold of them. Best not to take chances though, they may suddenly remember who they are at any moment!
> but there are one or two, who we have observed with no disconcernable
> powers, these are named Sasami, Kiyone, Mihoshi and Keiichi."
MAX: Otherwise know as the goddess, the GP's top cop, the female version of Vash the Stampede, and the guy who has one of the Fates for a girlfriend.
> "Excellent" said Buel, as pictures flashed up on the screen of what
> the people were doing now.
ONIKO <Tenchi>: Oh man! I've really gotta go to the bathroom! *ziiiip*
SHERL <Buel>: Oh my *God!* Change the shot! CHANGE THE SHOT!
> Sasami was preparing dinner when suddenly
> a hand grabbed her around the mouth. "Don't scream, or you will die"
ALL: BOO!
ALAIR: Back in the van, the Zianoids swore and tore up their plans as they realized someone had beat them to the punch.
> said a man with grey hair, as he effortlessly lifted Sasami off the
> ground
THIEF: Call Ripley's! This man can lift an ENTIRE LITTLE GIRL.
ONIKO <idly>: I wonder if he's a relative of Brian Sherlock?
SHERL: Huh?
> and stole out of the back of the house, bounding up the hill.
SHERL: I'm finding it hard to be scared by evil alien invaders who skip back to base...
MAX: That's right, get out into the open, where Tsunami can shoot you from orbit.
ALAIR: But if Tsunami does anything, how can Adam stage a daring two-paragraph rescue?
> "Hey Sasami, do you need a hand?" asked Adam as he entered the kitchen,
THIEF <Adam>: -I saved this one from the last battle. It's a little ripe, but it should add that tangy flavor you're so fond of.
> when he noticed that Sasami had gone he searched the house,
THIEF <helpfully>: Make sure to check the crawlspace. You'd be amazed how often you'll find someone there, and you totally forgot that you horribly murdered them with a plumber's pipe vacuum. Also make sure to toss down some quicklime to help with the stink.
VIPER: Yeah, uh... thanks for the advice, Thief. I'll be sure to tell Martha Stewart.
THIEF: [blinks] Where do you think I learned it from?
> upon not finding her, he returned to the kitchen, and his fear had
> come true,
BRANDT <Adam>: My souffle fell! [clutches at his head] NOOOO!
> Sasami was kidnapped by Zianoids. He found a note
MAX: Which he missed on his first 'careful search' of the house.
VIPER <Calvin>: I was afraid I was going to have to hit him over the head and read it to him.
> and it
> confirmed that his fear was true.
SHERL: Didn't he just say that?
> "Now, little girl, are you going to be a good little girl?
VIPER <man>: Good girls get a sucker. Duzzems want a sucker?
> 'Cause if you don't, then we get to have a little fun."
ALAIR: That's a pretty odd ransom note.
> Said a man with a dirty smile that made Sasami feel very
> frightened, "your sick, Solidius",
BRANDT <Solidius>: What? I just wanted to play Candy Land with her. Geez.
VIPER: Nooo! That's where Eric keeps his money stash!
> "I know, great init?" replied the
> man. "Adam were are you? Tsunami, can you help?" Sasami said to
> herself,
ONIKO <sullenly>: That's right, don't even think about Tenchi, who's rescued you many a time before. They turn on you so fast, I tell you...
> when suddenly, Buel walked in, "so your Sasami, do you know
> that you have a great power sleeping with in you?"
MAX: Didn't they just say that she had no discernable power?
ONIKO: Have you seen one character so far that can tell his ass from a hole in the ground?
MAX: ...no.
ONIKO: So why are you surprised?
> "yes, its Tsunami,
> a goddess"
ONIKO <Sasami>: -who I was trying to talk to before I was so rudely interrupted.
ALAIR: Isn't this the sort of thing you don't blurt out to the enemy?
BRANDT: I'm pretty sure this is the intergalactic equivalent of turning state's evidence, actually.
SHERL <Sasami>: You're SURE you'll keep Adam the hell away from me if I tell you more?
> "hmm, this Adam can sure choose his company", he said
> turning to the other guys, " keep this child safe,
BRANDT <hopeful>: Are they going to journey with Fin Raziel to the city of Tir Asleen? Surely they can find safety there!
> but you can do
> what you want to her soon, Just keep your minds on Adam" "yes sir!"
> they replied.
THIEF <Solidius>: Yes sir! [lost in thought] Mmmmmmm... oh yeaaah.
> Sasami tried not to think about what might happen to
> her if Adam never showed up,
MAX <Sasami>: Hello? Paging Tsunami? Tsunami, are you there? Hello?...
> when suddenly a voice spoke up in her head,
ALAIR <voice>: Can you hear me? I am a friend whom you've never met...
> "so you still don't believe in me do you? well, I'll come and
> save you, only if you believe in me."
BRANDT <Adam>: -and Tinkerbell, while I'm at it.
MAX <Adam>: Acknowledge my superiority!
> "I believe"
ONIKO: -in a thing called love.
> said Sasami,
ALAIR <evangelist>: Do you *believe* in the Adam?
BRANDT: Everyone, clap if you believe in self-insertion authors!
[VIPER pulls out a sign that reads, "ADAM SAVES."]
> curling up in the corner of her cell. "I wonder what she believes
> in?" said Solidius,
MAX: Well, she's part goddess, so I guess she'd believe in herself.
[ONIKO, now extremely pale, and dressed in a black jacket and pants and a red shirt, tunes an electric guitar.]
ONIKO: She believes in her disposable messiah.
[He plays a short metal riff. BRANDT covers his ears and begins reciting Hail Marys.]
MAX: ...you know, you sort of look like Maril-
ONIKO: SHUT UP.
> "who cares, we get our fun later, you ask her
> while your having your fun" said Titanous,
ALAIR: Hm... badguy wanting to have philosophical discussions during the act of pedophiliac rape. Just add in a couple false leads and an innocuous-looking Defendant and you're looking at an episode of 'Law and Order: SVU'.
> "say Titanous, do you
> think that this Adam guy'll try to save the girl first, or just
> surrender."
THIEF <Christof>: Nay! There is another way! I can drain you of all your blood- [abruptly lunges at ONIKO's throat]
ONIKO: CHRIST! Anti-Vampyre Moonbeam Wave Powaa!
[Beat. Nothing happens.]
THIEF: Well, that was disappointing.
ONIKO: I think I blew my wad on the marshmallows.
[MAX chokes.]
ONIKO: Not that way!
> "I don't know, have you seen this guy, he's a kid"
BRANDT <Solidous>: I *know!* Come on, man, don't you watch ANY anime?
> "he's gotta guyver,
VIPER: And he's not afraid to use it!
> he wiped out an entire army of us without using it"
ONIKO: And one hand tied behind his back.
> "that's a load of crap, some stuff they made up to make us scared"
MAX <Titanous>: Because everyone knows that spreading rumors that result in your army's fear of the opponent is good for morale.
> said Solidius, turning away, "it's not, it's true, Adam will wipe you
> all out" said Sasami
ALAIR <Sasami, creepy>: My brother is coming... with many Fremen warriors.
> from in the corner of her cell, "your hoping, no
> one can defeat the zianoid's with out using a guyver unit"
ALAIR: Except they... just said he has a Guyver unit. Man, why is it we're paying more attention to this than the author did?
> "but he
> killed a whole field of you guys" said Sasami focusing her big pink
> eyes on the pair of Zianoids,
SHERL <Sasami>: And then one time in a small town in Missouri, some guy in a diner dropped his spoon, and Adam got real pissed and killed the entire town!
> "if you don't let me go then you'll
> pay" said Sasami, her eyes started to well with tears,
THIEF: Despite this, she's still infinitely more mature and capable than Norman Goldman in 'Sphere'.
MAX: It WOULD be fun to see her act opposite Samuel L Jackson...
THIEF: Oh yeah! [Samuel Jackson] Tsunami. When you absolutely, positively gotta kill every single motherfucka on the continent... accept no substitutes!
> "hey kid, that
> shit don't work with us so stop ya crying" "don't you know that you
> shouldn't swear in front of children espically if their little girls?"
ALAIR: Not that it stopped him from giving his whole "My balls" bit in front of her before.
> "Adam you came!"
ALAIR: [gag] How many pedophiles do we NEED in this- oh. Not what she meant. [glares at THIEF] This is your fault somehow, I'm certain of it!
THIEF: Hey, I'm as against pedophilia as the next guy. [smirk] Time to own up to your own sickness, Alair.
ALAIR: Rrrr. Karma WILL get you for this someday.
ONIKO: You mean, beyond the whole stuck-watching-bad-fanfics thing.
ALAIR: ...yeah.
> said Sasami, as the two zianoids sprung to their feet,
[VIPER <zianoid> sits bolt upright as an exclamation point appears above his head and a short synthesized horn chord plays.]
> " so your the one we're here to kill, not what I
> expected" said Solidius, changing into his zianoid form,
VIPER <Adam>: What, should I have no worn the tutu?
> "no-one ever
> execpts to know what death looks like,
MAX: Hello? He's a scythe-wielding skeleton in a black robe.
SHERL: No, Death is a spunky goth girl.
BRANDT: With an ankh around her neck.
[Long pause.]
MAX: I wasn't expecting that.
ONIKO: NOOOOBODY EXPECTS THE-
[ONIKO is buried under a mound of Monty Python DVDs.]
> you should of took notice of
> the little lady, now you must pay" said Adam with a voice that made
> Titanius shiver,
THIEF: Hmph. Hanzou's still better.
VIPER: Hanzou. He's the ninja from Samurai Showdown, right?
THIEF: That's Honzo.
VIPER: Then's the spy of the Oniwaban group.
THIEF: That's Hanya.
VIPER: Then he works in the University of Minnesota, in the Department of Geology and Geophysics.
THIEF: That's... What?
> "look man, you come any closer and the kid gets it,
BRANDT: -this delicious grape-flavored lollipop!
ONIKO: These badguys are wussie enough that I wouldn't put that past them.
> you dig?" said Titanius, changing into his zianoid form, and grabbing
> Sasami, as Adam dropped Solidius who had been ripped in half.
MAX: I think we missed something there.
VIPER: But was it horizontally or vertically? Details, man!
> "now, you don't want to make me angry, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry"
> said Adam, clenching his fists,
MAX <writing on notepad>: Can... turn... into... Hulk... and... quote... Tom... Cruise. Wonderful.
> " now, I'm warning you, the girl gets
> it , if you so much as breath too hard"
BRANDT <Adam>: Good thing I decided to rescue her before stopping by the pharmacy to get my asthma inhaler refilled.
> said Titanius, triggering an
> alarm. soon the place was swamped in Zianoids, Buel stepped forward,
> and said "so your the one know as Adam,
BRANDT <Adam>: Yes Im the one know as Adam. [normal] OW! My brain...
VIPER: Dude! You're going to burn something out if you keep doing that!
> nice work on Solidius by the
> way" he said sneering, "that fool couldn't stop himself breathing if
> he tried.
ALAIR: ...most people can't, actually.
> The girl will become one of us if you don't co-operate" "I
> will heed,
MAX: WATCH OUT! HE'S GONNA HEED!
[ALL duck.]
> I surrender, but you must let the girl go" said Adam,
> standing straight and opening his hands.
BRANDT: Which are small, I know, but they're not yours, they are his own?
-->[WTF? -t.]
[I assume it's a song lyric. Note the rhyme. -Chimera]
[Jewel. I can see Brandt reading her poetry, too. -Cosmos]
>
> Chapter 5: the new zianoids
SHERL <singing>: Meet the new zianoids, same as the old zianoids...
>
> They took Adam and Sasami to the 'playroom',
ONIKO <muttering>: Well, it was only a matter of time before it came to this...
[ALL except THIEF turn away from the screen.]
VIPER: Hey Lance, I thought you said you were anti-hentai.
LANCE <over intercom>: I am. This isn't what you think it is.
[A part of the ceiling slides away, showing a row of angry Rhesus monkeys, hands hovering threateningly underneath their butts.]
LANCE <over intercom>: Now, turn back to the screen.
[They do so, grudgingly.]
> it was a room full of zianoids in the creation tanks,
ALAIR: Lance-
[Several warning shits are thrown.]
MAX: Ewww!
LANCE <over intercom, more firmly>: They haven't mentioned nudity. It isn't going in that direction. Turn back and face the screen NOW.
> "this is what you will become Adam, you seem to enjoy killing"
SHERL: All-powerful godboy gets turned into nameless cannon fodder. I like the sound of that.
[The riffers started cheering and chanting. All the monkeys down laxatives and go to work.]
> said Buel, Adam just walked almost as if
> in a trance, "Adam, whats the matter?" asked Sasami,
NEW-->BRANDT: I'll have you know I intend to notify the health department about this, Lance!
NEW-->ALAIR: And I'm sending you my dry cleaning bills! This is never going to come out!
-->BRANDT: Lance, could you at least stop the fic while we're cleaning up!?
ONIKO: Yeah, you prick! Do you know how tough it is to clean a pleated skirt?
MAX: Will you two please shut up and hand me the squeegee?
[Why the hell would Brandt want to keep up with the fic? -Cosmos]
> trying to get
> Adam to respond, Adam on the other hand, was lost in his own little
> world, summoning all his knowleage,
SHERL <Adam>: Okay, one plus one is ten... No, wait, one plus TWO is ten... Argh, damnit!
BRANDT <Adam as Red Mage>: If I reallocate all my points into Intelligence...
> and formulating a plan, but they all could endanger Sasami,
BRANDT: Why doesn't he just summon, like he did against the Kagato army?
ALAIR: His list of abilities is so long, he forgot he could do that.
> "so, I see that you attempted this suicide
> mission alone, that was very..." said Buel trailing off as they came
ALAIR <hysterical>: You see? I told you they'd be having sex! I TOLD YOU-
[ONIKO slaps her. She reflexively kicks him in the crotch.]
ALAIR: Okay. I'm okay. [panting] Sorry about that.
ONIKO <strained>: No problem. Could somebody kill me to end my pain? Thank you.
> to some empty tanks, "waht will you do to us?" said Sasami looking at
> the tanks, "turn both of you into monsters like us" said Buel,
MAX <Buel, angsty>: Horrible monsters who bring death to innocent people! Oh why was I born?! [begins sobbing]
> "but, you said.." said Sasami, focusing her big pink eyes on Buel, who just
> slapped Sasami across the floor like a kitten,
THIEF: This is the first description that works. I think we ALL know what it's like to slap a kitten across the floor.
SHERL: No. No we don't.
THIEF: So you've never pounded the pussy?
[SHERL facepalms.]
> "You lay a hand on her
> again and you will die" said Adam walking over to Sasami,
[VIPER <Buel> touches ALAIR <Sasami> with one finger.]
MAX <Adam>: Hey! What did I just TELL you?!
VIPER <Buel>: But I didn't lay my whole hand on her, just one finger!
MAX <Adam>: ...damnit.
[VIPER <Buel>, giggling, continues touching ALAIR <Sasami> before ALAIR drops out of character and whacks him upside the head.]
> "are you
> ok?" he said placeing a hand over the red mark and when he removed
> the hand the red mark had gone,
ONIKO <Sasami>: My warpaint! You jerk, I was going to be the next Turok!
> "yes, thank you" said Sasami with
> tears running down her face.
THIEF <Sasami, singing>: Drunk daddy done broke my fingers, drunk daddy done kicked my head, drunk daddy smashed my sister, turned my whole wooooorld.... blood red, yeah.
> "get in the tanks,
THIEF <Buel, singing>: You will do what I say, when I say - get in the tanks! You coward! You servant! You blindman!
> we've wasted enough
> time." "you said you would let her go"
ALL <Buel, evil>: I lied.
> "I would get very far in this
> business if I kept my word, would I?"
ALAIR: Well, you might get farther if you waited until *after* you'd finished off Adam before you went and broke your word, idiot.
> "why, you piece of scum, I'm
> gonna..." "you touch me and the girl dies" said Buel pointing at
> Sasami who was being held by two large zianoids
SHERL: We seem to have reached the touchy feely section of the fic.
> "why, you.." "ah, ah,
> ah, I wouldn't, if I was you" said Buel, laughing as Adam was pushed
> into a tank,
BRANDT: That's just dirty pool, re-enacting that scene in Tiananmen Square! Be more respectful!
[ALL blink.]
> and Sasami was bundled into the tank next to him, "now
> you can mutate, together."
ALAIR <cloyly cute>: Awww, that's so sweet... [normal] I wonder if they'll melt together into some kind of unholy Sasadam.
MAX: Speak not your foul words in mine presence, blasphemer!
> Adam was standing in the stance of the
> waterfowl fist, when Buel said:
ONIKO <Buel>: -Watch out, he's gonna fly over our windshield and crap on it!
[ALL gasp.]
> "I wouldn't try that, we made the
> tank just for you" said Buel laughing. He turned away when suddenly a
> light caught his eye,
SHERL <Buel>: Ooh, shiny!
> he turned back just as the tank smashed, "what
> the hell!?!" impossible, nothing can smash the tank"
MAX <tutting>: That has to be in the evil overlord list somewhere... [suddenly resigned] which means Adam's about to break free and cream them all. Again.
> said Buel as the smoke cleared and out stepped Adam in his solid armour,
> "death has come for you,
ONIKO <Tim>: -with nasty, big, pointy teeth!
> now let the girl go" "never! guards kill him" and when
> he turned he saw that the other zianoids had been killed by the
> glass,
ALAIR: Well, that's the end of THAT climatic battle. Even Anakin Skywalker didn't puss out this much on the kickass heroic massacres.
> "You kill me and the tanks cannot be opened" said Buel,
ONIKO <Adam>: You mean the tanks that aren't as strong as the one I just destroyed?
VIPER <Buel>: I... um... could you give me a minute? I just realized I didn't think this through.
> with a
> smile which soon became a gaping hole as Adam walked over to the tank
THIEF: But was it a suicide tank? Because Adam's certainly a ratfink and Sasami could be a cannibal girl if you trained her right.
> Sasami was in and smashed it with a single blow.
MAX: -in so doing decapitating her like the zianoids he JUST saw get killed by flying glass. Way to get a learning curve, Adam.
> "now, death will
> send you across the river Styx and I hope you suffer, scum"
ONIKO <Buel>: Well, that depends on if I have some coins with which to pay my way, and-
> and with
> that he moved with such speed there was a black blur,
ONIKO: HEY! Lemme finish my bloody ri-
> and he knocked
NEW-->ONIKO <annoyed>: -ff. ...bitch.
> the head clean off of the zianoid,
BRANDT: Just like a tee-ball game!
MAX: If you want him to suffer, try not to kill him instantly, dumbass.
ALAIR: So remember, swearing in front of little girls is bad but decapitation is a-okay.
> "Adam, how do we get back home?"
> asked Sasami
ALAIR: Do you have no ability to retain information? He can teleport, you moron! Jesus!
> as Adam recalled the armour and placed his hat on with
> his back to Sasami. Well, have you still got that watch?"
THIEF: Nah, she pawned it for a 5000 dose tub of Keflex from the pharmacy he found in the New York behind the third Door.
ONIKO: Actually, the skinless alien took it so he could report back to base, then teleported out before Nada could blow his head off.
> "yes, why?"
> "because they enable people to walk through my portals" and with that
> Adam opened a portal and picked Sasami up and carryed her through,
ONIKO: Well, it was good she had that watch on, so she could walk through- [comically double-takes] Bwhaaaa?
ALAIR: He needs a monocle to pop off in surprise.
BRANDT: Here. Take mine.
[ONIKO puts on the monocle and it immediately pops off on its own.]
ONIKO <tearing up>: This may be the happiest day of my life.
> he put her down and when back through the portal, it closed behind him
> and then there was an explosion not far from the house.
VIPER <narrator>: And after that there were these really neat sparkly lights that went blink blink! Blink blink! Then there was a whole bunch of really neat fight scenes where the guy was all like, "I'm gonna kick your butt," and the bad guys were all like, "Sh'yeah right, you can't beat us, ha ha, ha ha," and it was all real cool like.
ONIKO <Adam>: Then Kagato got mad, and said, "Hey, I wanna be Obi-Wan Kenobi! So we fought to the death... Again. And he lost... again. What would we do with out you Kagato?
BRANDT: Be at home, relaxing in proper chairs, watching Babylon 5.
[Long pause.]
ONIKO: Okay, BESIDES that.
ALAIR: ...all that and no closure? Not that I really want it, mind you...
BRANDT: There is no closure. Only time, and it's dulling effect on our battered souls.
Posted on Feb 7, 2004, 10:55 PM from IP address 12.73.132.24