Rules of Negotiation and Our Demands:

1) Make us laugh. Or die trying.
2) Don't be surprised if you find yourself verbally pistol-whipped. It's all in the spirit of fun.
3) We want a helicopter...because hostage takers always ask for one in the movies, right? We don't ride no stinkin' buses. If you don't have a helicopter, make rotor noises by thumping on your chest while you linger, at least.
4) Don't be surprised if a cheese monkey mistakes you for a mate while you make rotor noises. Feed the cheese monkey at your own peril.
5) We're out of cheese. Bring cheese.
6) Papi's rule: Refrain from using the word "pussy" during negotiations, or risk the wrath of a scrawny Texan.
7) Take the feuding and flaming elsewhere. We're kinder, gentler hostage takers.
8) We want lots of bubble wrap. Stand-offs can be a bitch.
9) Run your cat through the shredder before entering. There's nothing like the sound of a screeching cat to break the tension.
10) Tell the SWAT team to keep their distance. But you're welcome to join in if you're new here. Don't be shy!