^^;;;;; Don’t worry Merc-chan, I’m not THAT harsh. Leave that word to describe Yevvy. giggles Er, anyway, here are some of my suggestions for this fic, however to accept them is your own prerogative.
Let me say now that I’m not yet done with the WHOLE fic since I'm also I’m typing out a research paper and I'm kinda busy.
Sorry! bows down I’ll try finishing the rest later.
The Next Step
by Sailor Mercury
At times I reflect on what happened [with—“to” is a more appropriate word in this case] those times...
[Perhaps it would be better if you ended the previous line with a colon before making the transition to “we had friendship….”]
we had friendship, and all of us were happy... [end this as a sentence] [you—perhaps you could make this all caps or put into italics to provide emphasis] were happy playing [basketball and I could see that, liked that.…forever—perhaps you could try with “basketball—I could see that. Liked that. But in this life, nothing is forever.” [eternal is a word that lies to everyone—um, perhaps you could rephrase this to create a more dramatic effect, for example, use “eternity” instead of “eternal” and look on it as more of an “idea” rather than a meager “word”.] [people move on... people change... all in the race to get on with their lives...—there are unnecessary periods in this line. They’re good but the you could do without the numerous periods. ^^;;;; “People move on. People change, all in the race to get on with their lives.] [these lives, that lives no room for them to hold on to friendship and love...—Try “Lives that leave no room for them—for US—to hold on to friendship and love.” When you used “them” it appeared as if you were excluding the speaker from the human populace. ^^;;;;]
Sometimes, deep down inside, I feel guilty[,—period would be more appropriate.] [I feel that it might in some way by my fault, for this to happen.—there’s nothing wrong with sentence structure here but it could be improved. For example, “I feel that I am somewhat responsible for this happening.”] After all, I [did—italicize or make to all caps for emphasis] encourage you to start playing basketball again. [end this with just ONE period, dear] [but—you can remove this word] Then again, who could have anticipated such an ending. [“would” is more appropriate than “could”.]
It was the game of your life. [It? What “it” are you talking about here? You may have mentioned the word “basketball in the previous paragraph but this is a whole new one. It won’t be redundant to use the word again to make it clearer to the readers.] Finally the coachs of Japan National Team had fixed their eyes in you, and you were decided to show them that you were the best. [Um, there are several mistakes here and the transition from the previous sentence to the next wasn’t that good. Try “When the coaches of the Japan National Team had finally fixed their eyes on you, you had been determined to show them that you were the best.” Or something like that. ^^;;;;] But I knew that something was wrong. I had seen you the night before, taking some pills, because the pain in your injured leg was too big. [Hmm, maybe you should try a different approach. Wouldn’t it be more logical if Mitsui was trying to hide the injury? Maybe something to the effect of “I saw you the other night taking some pills and though you wouldn’t speak of anything, blah, blah, blah.” ^^;;; You know what I mean? Again, its only a suggestion]
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I'll end it here. Gomen! Meanwhile, here's an advanced hug from me just in case Yevvy starts blowing fire at you for no particular reason later on--she DID say she was a violent person. sweatdrop Heehee. hugs Merc
Okee, later!
-- Nagyra/Na-chan
Rukawa-uke no Seishi
Rukawa in Yaoi no Seishi
MakiFuji no Seishi