Are you going to explain all these to every single person who reads your fic?
I do get what you mean by the two diff POV and the inner conflict, but I'm telling you this is not the way to do it. This only serves to confuse readers. And the end result is people just get fed up and leave. What you could do is actually finish Sendou's POV, then switch th Koshino POV. Or if you really wanted to continue the interchanging POV, then why didn't you continue with it throughout the lemon?
I've here a link to one of the better POVs I read, it's a Jrock fic, as a POV, it managed to push everything the ficcer wanted to say to the reader. Read it, then maybe you'll understand what I mean...
http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=342595
If you really wanted to add speech, I really really suggest doing it in first person action. It'll give you room to manipulate between actions, speech and thought.
And I read your response to Seph's crit... just wanted to make one point. Grammatically, your punctuation is incorrect.....^^;;; Your usage of punctuation twists the sentence structures...
When I mean that the result won't be pretty, I mean that we'll be suggesting a hell lot of things for you to change, but in the end, the plot is still your work, the idea you wanted to reach out is still yours, why is a hybrid? If you call betaing a hybrid, lemme tell you that in this world, there's no good work that is not a hybrid.
Think about it.