-Well, that's gotta suck for Hanamichi. I like the more business oriented tone that's set it. Like it's about money and the trade world-
Question. Do you mean that the beginning of the fic had a more business-oriented tone? As for the money and trade world matter you mentioned, I am considering bringing that in, but I'm currently reading up on all these and it's pretty darn messy and confusing to me right now. And it's gonna suck for Hanamichi? Care to elaborate on that?
-Alright, I drink. So, I figure you may want to know that Scotch on the rocks IS scotch on ice. Rocks=ice ergo, impossible to have it without. As Yev says, it'd taste like shit otherwise. -
sheepish grin I don't drink, and I thought that I had read/heard the whole 'scotch on the rocks, no ice' phrase from some book/movie so I wrote that. Thanks for correcting me on this. Btw, if I have any more questions on liquors and such, could I just drop a mail to you? grin
-...Suddenly throwing in colloquialisms jolted me out of the settings.-
Is the word "pissed" the colloquialism you were referring to? Or were there others?
-You might want to find another way of wording this. Maybe something like:
Sendoh chuckled softly to himself. Lord Hanagata seemed in high spirits, the tell tale signs of hair ruffling and tightened lips nonwithstanding, the 'Steady Rock of Japan' was about 'blah blah etc...' -
Does "high spirits" = pissed? Because I've always interpreted high spirits as more a positive feeling (exuberance, elation, joy) than a negative one.
Or how about something like:
"...Lord Hanagata seemed irritable, the..."
instead?
-You said from 15th century to 19th? That's a very long range and so far I've been getting more 17th/18th century with a hint of James Bond (as played by Sendoh). The term 'club' threw me. I'm not sure but didn't bachaelors Societies have an alternative term? Tavern, Drink House, the 'Establishment'. Or maybe a simple name like 'The Broken Tusk'.-
Yes, it's more 17th/18th century now, isn't it? However, elements from other time periods may come into the picture later on, hence the "elements taken from the 15th century to 19th century" comment. There's still a lot of ironing out of details for latter chapters.
'A hint of James Bond (as played by Sendoh).' This certainly wasn't intended. What exactly made Sendoh 'James Bond-like' anyway? O.o
As for the 'club' term, usually the club's called whatever the name is, say, White's or Almack's to give a few real examples. My sole purpose of terming it 'a club' in Chapter 1 (hereafter referred to in latter chapters as Noirs Plaisirs) was to convey to the readers the exclusivity of the place as well as the expected ambience and environment around Noirs Plaisirs. "Club=Exclusive place for only the selected" was what I was trying to convey. Since I've actually had to explain this, guess my aim wasn't achieved =P
Say if I used the term 'establishment' instead of 'club', would it still sound awkward? (I'm interpreting that the "The term 'club' threw me" comment meant that the use of the term 'club' sounded awkward.)
-As for the 'secret club'. I'm thinking that it would be more Secret Society and Revelries than 'Secret Club'. I kept thinking 2nd grade boys and their secret tree house with a 'No Girls' sign pasted across the door.-
lol The thought of the 'secret club' being linked with '2nd grade boys and their secret house...' never occured to me. You actually thought of that? Thanks for pointing this out. grin Secret Society & Revelries, yeah, it is more that than 'secret club'. I'll look for another better term.
Lastly, fairytale clause? An elaboration would be appreciated.
All in all, really appreciate the time and effort taken in writing one of the more detailed C&Cs I've ever received and for pointing out stuff that I personally wouldn't have noticed. I'll be sure to carefully think over what you've said. grin