More and more, Warriors come out an Plaaaaaaaaaayyy!

Question. Do you mean that the beginning of the fic had a more business-oriented tone? As for the money and trade world matter you mentioned, I am considering bringing that in, but I'm currently reading up on all these and it's pretty darn messy and confusing to me right now. And it's gonna suck for Hanamichi? Care to elaborate on that?

Ah... sucks for Hanamichi as in he needs to get carted around until he finds some girl, probably guy in this case, and pretty much get shacked up against his will. And even if he is willing later on, getting there will probably be a chore. The whole unrequited love thing is a bitch to get over.

As for the tone, I was talking in terms of the Regancy romance era of Society -as- business. Business as the men's world of society. Or actually, since business was considered 'uncouth'.... 'Hidden' business as the backbone of Society while a veneer of elegance plastered itself overtop. But that line of 'money' and the thing that makes it still hums along underneath it all.

sheepish grin I don't drink, and I thought that I had read/heard the whole 'scotch on the rocks, no ice' phrase from some book/movie so I wrote that. Thanks for correcting me on this. Btw, if I have any more questions on liquors and such, could I just drop a mail to you? grin


I think you meant "Scotch on the Rocks, shaken, not stirred." (famous James Bond phrase--he -always- asks for this) Though there are arguements about whether the shaking is wrong because supposedly it destroys the taste or something. I never could tell, cheap beer, rum and vodka was always my choice of poison. Yeah sure, ask me alchohol anything. If I don't know it, my friends are all a bunch of drunkards, one of them is sure to know.


Is the word "pissed" the colloquialism you were referring to? Or were there others?


the whole 'Yup, he sure was pissed'. Is what was problematic. And... I'm not sure if there were any other, I'll read through again later and I'll tell you. In general, I thought that Sendoh was the one that had the most problems staying in setting.


Sendoh chuckled softly to himself. Lord Hanagata seemed in high spirits, the tell tale signs of hair ruffling and tightened lips nonwithstanding, the 'Steady Rock of Japan' was about 'blah blah etc...'
-

Does "high spirits" = pissed? Because I've always interpreted high spirits as more a positive feeling (exuberance, elation, joy) than a negative one.


Alright, thinking once again about the time period, or novels written during then: 'high spirits' was usually used as a tongue in cheek way between men to mean 'highly agitated' but with a distinctly positive slant. It -usually- means that the person is very pissed off and showing very good form/style as he prepares to rant and rage. Arguements and fighting in male circles, if done well, wasn't considered a bad thing necessarily. It was considered a 'Good show'. Inpromptu entertainment of sorts.



Or how about something like:

"...Lord Hanagata seemed irritable, the..."

instead?




Yeah, that could work as well. I had thought the original turn of phrase a little akward. Almost like a shopping list and a bit too unsubtle for a character portrayal that depended on that. "Hair ruffling--check, lips pressed---check". I was thinking that perhaps something more... like 'the telltale tapping of the finger...' etc. The hair ruffling and change in facial expression seemed a little too obvious, though that could be easily fixed if you tweaked the sentence just a bit.



Yes, it's more 17th/18th century now, isn't it? However, elements from other time periods may come into the picture later on, hence the "elements taken from the 15th century to 19th century" comment. There's still a lot of ironing out of details for latter chapters.


Maybe it would be better if you worked more of the modern things into the setting 'now' or else it'll seem strange when they crop up in other parts later. As it is, how much you have is rather uneven and slanted to archaic, which is why I had problems with the term 'club' etc...


'A hint of James Bond (as played by Sendoh).' This certainly wasn't intended. What exactly made Sendoh 'James Bond-like' anyway? O.o


I think it was the scene where he ordered some scotch. That and the way he seems urbanely amused at everthing. I don't know, it wasn't anything definate, more of an impression.


As for the 'club' term, usually the club's called whatever the name is, say, White's or Almack's to give a few real examples. My sole purpose of terming it 'a club' in Chapter 1 (hereafter referred to in latter chapters as Noirs Plaisirs) was to convey to the readers the exclusivity of the place as well as the expected ambience and environment around Noirs Plaisirs. "Club=Exclusive place for only the selected" was what I was trying to convey. Since I've actually had to explain this, guess my aim wasn't achieved =P

Say if I used the term 'establishment' instead of 'club', would it still sound awkward? (I'm interpreting that the "The term 'club' threw me" comment meant that the use of the term 'club' sounded awkward.)



Yeah, I was thinking in terms of Almacks fromt he begining. But in this case... I think that the 'people' would be more of the focus than the establiment/building. In which case I'd just stick with inserting vague references to 'there is this exclusive set' or 'there are those in excellent standing that blah blah blah' I'm assuming that status would be extremely important? High society from 15-19th, hell even now, is a very large focus.

Set as in 'set of people. I believe that terms was shortened to simply 'set'. Acutally.... You might want to try to read some Sherlock Holmes slash. A lot of them are very well written and they're done in that era's style of writing. It may give you a better idea on general society.

And yeah, like Yev, I had some problems with the mixing of European an Japanese. Not so much the names. But more the whole thing of 'Turned towards the Japanese man' etc... I think that a simpler 'turned towards the other man' would work better. The way you have it now, I'm constantly fighting between two images from two differnet cultures. If you want to mix them, I'd suggest adding more distinctly oriental things into the settings and backgrounds as well. And keep all the titles as one set.



lol The thought of the 'secret club' being linked with '2nd grade boys and their secret house...' never occured to me. You actually thought of that? Thanks for pointing this out. grin Secret Society & Revelries, yeah, it is more that than 'secret club'. I'll look for another better term.


Yeah... in the US there's these boys and girls wars where both sides (really young age) will form so-called secret clubs based solely on excluding and/or attacking the kids of hte opposite gender. Though in restrospect, they were never very secretive a tall. It's...amusing.

As for another term... I think vague, sorta veiled statements woudl work.: 'There is this set of people I know. Very highstanding and very vey exclusive...all hush-hush, you know.' People tended to be wordy, anyway.


Lastly, fairytale clause? An elaboration would be appreciated.


Oh, it was just in reference to the whole Sakuragi thing where he is has to get married to someone as such and such a date. And he needs to run around to verious balls until he finds that person. It's like Cinderella but from the prince's perspective. That and the fact that I have a hellish time thinking up subject headers. I'm thinking about just sticking in random things just to keep myself from getting too bored with them.



All in all, really appreciate the time and effort taken in writing one of the more detailed C&Cs I've ever received and for pointing out stuff that I personally wouldn't have noticed. I'll be sure to carefully think over what you've said. grin




Well, that's what C&Cs are for. I've always avoided doing them due to...past experience. But since this place is set up specifically for it, I figured I might as well get proactive.
It's the 'do unto others' thing. If I'm going to be posting my own stuff up, I really should crit as well. Wouldn't be fair otherwise IMO. At least not personally. I'm not really saying thee same for others.


Thanks again.


No problem.



Peace.