The story was nice. And Laree's been doing some supposed "inadvertent" influencing lately. Yes, I seem to find unconventional pairings appealing lately.
glares at Laree But I've got a few points Laree must've missed though.
cough I WOULDN'T call my fic "Crappy Story". Naming your fic something that terrible might give the readers an impression that you don't give your work enough respect. That's a big no-no as the old saying "If you can't give your own story some respect, I can't care less either." dictates. ^^ Please change it. This one deserves something a lot better.
Further corrections: (NOTE: My method's diff. from Laree's. Words/puntuations/what-have-yous enclosed in () are things I've inserted while those within [] are the ones I think you should remove. ^^)
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"Kami, I can't believe this! You're as dense as a post Sakuragi! Nobody buys that 'just friends' crap." Miyagi snorted. "The two of them are practically inseparable to be only leveled as friends."
-----> "leveled"'s all right but may I suggest you use something else like "considered"? Since it's part of a dialogue, it'd be most appropriate if you used vernacular terms. Very few people use "leveled" in that respect, imho. ^^
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"Hmmm...friends falling in love. That's sweet(,)" mused Ayako.
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Kogure sighed as he halted and fixed his stare on Mitsui levelly.
-----> The sentence would flow smoother if you get rid of the adverb and use it as an adjective, like this: "Kogure sighed as he halted and fixed a level stare on Mitsui." Adverbs work more smoothly when proceeded by a verb and in this case, "levelly" was the last word in the sentence. Just a suggestion. You can keep the old sentence if you wish. ^^
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's all. ^^
-- Nagyra
http://www.geocities.com/nagyra
The Purple Ellie
Rukawa-uke no Seishi
MakiFuji no Seishi
RuKo no Seishi