On a night just like this one[,] in a town not too far [from here] and dear to our hearts, there stood a karaoke bar. And in this bar[,] on a night like this[,] stood a trio in flashy 70s [garb,] unlike most sane people. [But actually,] this would be [considered] a normal occurrence in this bar[,] if you disregard[ed] the fact that they were the tightest 70s clothes [on] this side of the planet. But I digress[, as] this is their story[,] and not mine, thank God.
> Ok, well… the way you’ve started is interesting enough, but I’m not too sure about the first sentence. I think I understand what you mean when you say “not too far and dear to our hearts”, but as it is, it’s a bit confusing. And a slight discrepancy – “unlike most sane people. Now this would be a normal occurrence”. It’s probably just your expression that’s a little strange there. (Oh, and is the repetition of “stood” intentional?)
From the shadows [of the gradually brightening] stage, a [clear,] melodious baritone [sang] out [through the room]. One by one[,] the spotlights focused on each of [the three] performers on [the] stage.
> That first sentence… it didn’t work at all. ^^;; Because I’m not quite sure what you were trying to say in the first place, my corrections might not be what you want, but…
Akira: Nothing you could say
Could tear me away
From my Guy (my Guy)
Sendoh sashayed over to the edge of the stage and winked at Maki[,] causing [the older boy/man] to [spit] out his drink and [Mitsui] smirk at him. Ryota and Hanamichi pretended to swoon on [top of] each other [as they, too, swayed to the music]. Ryota hugged himself tightly as he [sang] out [unreservedly]. Mitsui continued to smirk[,] until Hanamichi [started to belt] out his stanza in a [too…] well, [loud] way. [The] only one not to react to this [ear-blasting] was[,] of course[,] Rukawa[, who remained as stone-faced and impassive as ever].
> Err… did you mean to say “sPit out his drink”? Is this fic AU, as in everybody might be older (in which case, you would use “man”, and not “boy”)? Any particular reason why Rukawa doesn’t react – cos he’s asleep, or what?
Ryota: Nothing you could do
'Cause I'm stuck like glue
To my Guy (my Guy, my Guy)
Hana: I'm stickin' to my Guy like a stamp to a letter
Like birds of a feather, we stick together
I'm tellin' you from the start
Maki sweatdropped[,] and turned to Mitsui. [“]Do you have any idea [why they’re singing this song]?"
Mitsui [swallowed] his drink carefully[, then] answered the question as [best he] could[, considering the situation.] "I didn't [even] know he could sing."
> Probably better to use italics, rather than an underline… just conventional. Also, you should put lines between dialogue – another convention. And lastly, who did Micchy not know could sing? Ryota?
[Minna]: I can't be torn apart
From my Guy
Akira: Nothing you could do
Could make me untrue
To my Guy (my Guy)
Maki looked a little confused[, to say the least, musing] to Rukawa[,] "That [is] Sendoh, right?"
Rukawa shrugged [indifferently,] and continued to stare [straight] ahead.
> Once again, the lines between (or after) dialogue thing… ^^;;
Ryota: Nothing you could buy
Could make me tell a lie
To my Guy (my Guy, my Guy)
[Above the music blaring out of the speakers,] Ryota heard his name and something [else,] yelled from the back of the room[,] but ignored it in favor of covering [his] ears.
> Hmm… not sure about that. If Ryota is covering his ears, then he’s not really ignoring the person, is he? ^^;; Don’t know what you’re trying to say here.
Hana: I gave my Guy my word of honor
To be faithful, and I'm gonna
You best be believing
[In what was, quite literally, a stage whisper, Sendoh] asked Ryota why [he’d brought the extremely loud redhead] along[, to which the shorter boy/man replied, “He] was available.[”]
> I think you should probably stick to calling him ‘Sendoh’ for the whole fic… you have to be consistent (but I guess it’s okay to use ‘Akira’ for the lyrics of the song). Also, quite a few mistakes in that one sentence.
[Minna]: I won't be deceiving
My Guy
Akira: As a matter of opinion, I think he's tops
My opinion is...
Minna: He's the cream of the crop
Ryota: As a matter of taste, to be exact
He's my ideal, as a matter of fact.
"[I’d] better be [top,]" Maki [smirked, while] Mitsui [inched] away from him and closer to [the gently snoring] Rukawa[,] who appeared to [have finally given in to the forces of nature, and was] taking a nap. Mitsui blushed[, deciding, rather wisely,] to leave that one alone. [Glancing up, he] was [then] mortified [to discover that] the trio [was] moving off [the] stage and heading in their direction[, tight, sparkly 70s clothing and all].
> Something that you’ve gotten wrong seeral times already – after dialogue, you need a comma. Example – “Akira is a big blue bunny in bed[,]” Maki boasted. Err… don’t ask. ^^;;;;
[Minna]: No muscle bound man
Could take my hand
From my Guy (my Guy)
No handsome face
Could ever take the place
Of my Guy (my Guy, my Guy)
Sendoh wrapped his arms around Maki's neck and [promptly] gave him a very private and personal feel-up. Ryota[, in turn, sat] down [on] Mitsui's lap and gave him a [provocative little lap]-dance[,] while [a very irate] Hanamichi slapped the back of Rukawa's head [roughly]. [The fox-eyed boy/man] woke up swinging[, as always,] but [the redhead expertly escaped brusing] by inches[, glaring] as he [blasted out] the next [stanza].
> snickers Go SenSen! But, um, what did you mean by “bastarded the next stanza”? ^^;;
Hana: He may not be a movie star
But when it comes to bein' happy...
Minna: We are
There's not a man today
Who could take me away
From my Guy
After [embarrassing and utterly mortifying] most[,] if not all[, of] the surrounding audience, the [three singers finally] walked back up to the stage.
> Just a slight rearrangement of expression…
Akira: Cool it down now, ladies.
[Suddenly,] Hanamichi grabbed [Sendoh’s collar] and brought [their faces dangerously close together]. "[Who] ya callin' lady, Smiley?"
Ryota [merely] sighed and continued to the stage[, while] Akira[‘s] smile [never wavered]. "It's part of the song[, Hanamichi-kun]."
"Oh[. Yeah]." [And] with that[, Hanamichi] dropped [the other boy/man] like a sack of potatoes[, and followed Ryota on to the stage].
> You’ve just made Hanamichi out to be a complete and utter idiot. But I guess that’s entirely your choice… *snickers*
[Minna]: There's not a man today
Who could take me away
From my Guy
Hana: Give them some of that deep shoulder action.
In [unison,] they inched together back-to-chest[, flirtatiously bobbing] their shoulders [at the appreciative audience,] as the lights began to dim [once more].
> Well… I’m not sure about that. Once again, I understand what you mean, but still… shrugs Maybe there’s another way of describing it other than “inched together back-to-chest”? If there is, I can’t think of it right now… ^^;;
Minna: There's not a man today
Who could take me away from my Guy
> Hmm. Not bad, but maybe another paragraph here would make a stronger ending. shrugs It's up to you... overall, I’d say that the idea, and your fic, is quirky and cute. Not bad, not bad… ^^
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