This isn't my "jurisdiction", but like Lalee said, since everyone is AWOL at the moment, I might as well help out.
So, on with the corrections...
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"So Sendoh, what do you intend to do on this holiday?" a teammate of his asked on their last day of school.
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The day when he'd met her had left an unforgettable impression on him…
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"He's so charming!"
Sendoh smiled to himself while memories flooded his mind. In the space of/In one year, he had managed to become the number one player in the Ryonan Team, although he had only been a freshman.
He was now considered to be one of the strongest players in the Kanagawa district.
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Sendoh had a strong feeling that he would encounter new, tough rivals with the same goal in the next year's competition. That was precisely what he wanted. The higher his opponent's skills, the more triumph beating him would bring and…
"Damn you loser![!!]" <<< Err... not quite sure if you mean to say "Damn you, loser!" or "Damn, you loser!" Either way, needs a comma somewhere...
"Huh?[?]!"
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She grinned sheepishly, muttering an apology before returning to her game, this time being careful not to be such a nuisance again.
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The young lady was playing a fighting-game on her game-boy, and her mind was so absorbed by the game that she had blurted curses out loud at her opponents.
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What charming and delicate features she had, almost like those of a child. Her wavy blond, shoulder-length hair, which she wore loose, was shimmering under the sunlight like threads of honey. She was pale of complexion, quite tall and slim, which gave her a big chance of being a model, he thought.
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A pretty doll, the size of a small child, which wore a red velvet dress and white bonnet.
Carrying a doll at such an age?[?]! [Sendoh sweatdropped.] <<< You shouldn't use "sweatdrops" in fics, especially serious ones. Perhaps you could say "Sendoh frowned in bemusement.", or something like that. He estimated her [age] to be at least 16 or 17. How silly girls were, still fond of such childish things!
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...And I'm gonna have to leave it there, cos I gotta go study for my German test. Sorry I didn't get very far... ^^;;
Ju
The Blue Ellie
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