[fic](yaoi)His Eyes Only

TITLE: His eyes only

AUTHOR: Tartar (Newly signed up)

RATING: Between PG-7 and PG-13, I guess

ONE SHOT

E-mail: nativefeeling@hotmail.com

GENRE: POV; Songfic; Romance

PAIRING: Yaoi, HanaRu/RuHana

ADVISORIES: Tends to get unnecessarily sentimental and long; attempted light sexual implications in the end

FEEDBACK: I guess I’ll be okay with replying to the post. Thanx

OTHERS: My very first Fic, and I’m not very good at writing in English, but I really wanna try anyways^^;. I think there are some unnecessary details in here, and need some advice on where to cut out what. Also, please give me some suggestions on the writing style and narrative, because I think it sounds kind of boring and dead. Finally, please tell me if the content sounds too exaggerated. Thanks very much!

DISCLAIMER: Slam dunk characters belong to Takehiko Inoue; the lyrics are from For Your Eyes Only by Sheena Easton

HIS EYES ONLY

For your eyes only
Can see me through the night

It was two in the morning. I woke up with a start from that dream replaying my father’s death. I sighed and rested my head on his pillow, my eyes wide open, with tears of guilt and loneliness in their corners.

I tried to picture Youhei’s face in my mind for some comfort. However, the lonely feeling just got worse, because my very best friend had in a way, abandoned me too. Up until now, he expressed an unconditional concern I hadn’t felt since my father passed away.
But I can’t vent my own problems to him anymore. For Youhei now was seeing Nishimura Rena, our withdrawn girl classmate known to have experienced family abuse and needed the shorter boy’s care as much as possible. I’d still see that loving warmth in my best friend’s eyes, but I know very well that they were no longer reserved for me. How I took so much for granted.

I try to search for another face, one that may bring him comfort. Haruko san’s pretty face? I feel a twinge of betrayal. After Akagi Haruko had become assistant manageress of our basketball team, I could feel that she increasingly preferred a more distant friendship between us. I probably shouldn’t blame her, seeing the responsibility from inside and outside the court piling onto her, as well as the obligation to socialize more deeply with everyone else in the team. Rukawa’s face…those fox eyes seemed to be cold and lifeless at the first glance, but I then notice how intense they actually looked. If you bothered to stare at them for more than a few seconds, they turn into a pair of cat eyes. So penetrating, so knowing, so glowing, as if one can keep no secret in the dark…something that (I’ll never admit out loud) frightens me a little, but simultaneously gives me a odd sense of comfort…

For your eyes only
I never need to hide

Early last year, I never knew that I fought the fox boy because there was something I feared about him. Something I was always trying to hide from the Guntai, my classmates, my teammates…and even myself. Only when I finally learned self-control in basketball did I start realizing this. With the help of oyaji and my teammates, I learned to discipline that unrestrained impulsiveness to a moderate level.

Unfortunately, doing so gradually made me find out where my unrestrained brashness partly came from; some of it probably came from my parents, but it also served as a means to press down feelings of true bitterness and isolation.

My mother having left me shortly after birth, I could only stay with Otousan, who owed serious debts that accumulated mountain-high before I was born. From as far as I could remember, my childhood was poverty and disgrace. My father had to neglect me because of his anxiety over our money problems. I was constantly bullied in elementary school because of my financial condition and father’s reputation. One day when I was only in second grade, I was no longer able to stand the humiliating abuse. I decided to batter everyone-classmates and teachers alike-who taunted me, and I didn’t give a damn about the consequences. To hide my vulnerable and lonely feelings, I developed a violent tendency to hurt whoever caused pain in my heart, even if the victim did it unintentionally.

My early adolescent years were the bitterest years of my life. I felt deep contempt towards my otousan for giving me such an unhappy childhood, even though the debts were eventually paid off, and our living environment improved. I completely ignored tuned out his pleas for me to stop being a delinquent, and refused to show any sign of gratitude towards his painful efforts to give me a better future. I fought by all by myself to get whatever I wanted, always carrying a sardonic attitude towards whoever spoke against me, even out of concern. I remember that when he begged me to stop my gang fights, I pushed him aside roughly, and yelled,
“It’s none of your damn business, stupid old man! What right do you have to command me anyway, all you care about is accumulating and paying off debts!”
I never thought I’d ever forgive my father until he died from the heart attack and I couldn’t save him; only then did I realize how much he meant to me. Totally lost, I could do nothing but wallow in self-anger and guilt before I was taken in (somewhat forcefully) by the Guntai, my first true friends, where they taught me how to live life in a more “seize the day” way. With their company and support, I finally found the strength to stand up again. I shortly started calling myself a genius after being praised for my seemingly invincible fighting skills, and copied their habit of chasing after girls in a lovesick manner. I slowly developed that hyperactive cheerfulness in order to forget about those bitter memories.

But now that I have matured, and now that my closest friend has someone else important, I am forced to face my past self again. Alone. As much as I want to ignore it, the emptiness and fear were still as there as ever, intensified by the darkness in the bedroom. Closing my eyes in resignation, I know deep down inside that the vulnerable part of me had never really left me. I wonder if it ever would. And I wondered if I’d ever have the courage to show that side to anyone in the world.

You can see so much in me
So much in me that’s new*
I never felt till I looked at you

Rukawa Kaede. He was the feelingless fox-face who had been my all time enemy during my freshman year. Early last year, I only saw my cold, uncaring junior-high self in slightly slanted eyes of the boy. Which is probably why I constantly felt the need to hate and defeat him; I may have unconsciously thought that I would overcome my past self by defeating the insensitive rookie.

Of course, after our several instances of true teamwork, my attitude towards him started to change; sensing that the fox boy isn’t so self-absorbed anymore, I actually started to respect him. After my enmity towards the older boy toned down, I found myself wondering if Rukawa sometimes felt the same bitterness and loneliness he did when I was younger. Is that why he has such an insensitive attitude and cold gaze? I know it sounds completely ridiculous, but I sometimes find my heart going out more and more towards the fox boy. I think I AM able to empathize with Rukawa in some ways, even though I’m so lively and he seems so dull. The way Rukawa treated me seems to be changing, too.

But maybe the fox boy had treated me differently from the start. I can’t remember him bothering to offend anyone else because they aren’t concentrating or doing their best. And I can’t recall Rukawa complimenting anyone else for improving and overcoming their obstacles! What was so special about me, besides the fact that I had always been a little loud on court and a beginner?

For your eyes only
Only for you
You see what no one else can see
And now I’m breaking free*

Although we are known to be opposites, Rukawa seems to be more alike a true part of me than anyone else. Seeing Rukawa’s eyes, I feel that I am not the only lonely one, but I just don’t show my loneliness like he does. That’s right, sometimes I am totally not what my outside emotions portray me to be.

Sometimes my expressed feeling seem to be shallow. So shallow and fake. And often, I realize, most people probably take me to be a shallow person, because of my tendency to express on my face and through my actions my most trivial discontentment and satisfactions. Maybe they think that I’m incapable of feeling anything deeper than anger, self-satisfaction, and disappointment…not true love. The fifty one girls who rejected me sure seemed to think so, and I probably never did either…I was just temporarily attracted by their cuteness.
“You don’t know how to truly love someone like I do, Sakuragi. You’ll love someone as long as she’s pretty, she’s openly nice, and she’s a girl!” Youhei accidentally blurted out once, when he got drunker than I did at a beer stand. He was tired of my constant complaining on why girls don’t know how to value a genius boyfriend when they see one.
That following day, needless to say, the baka remembered nothing but feeling a painful collision on his head, and commented that the headache from his hangover seemed unusually painful. For some reason, unfortunately, his words still managed to be stuck into my mind, even now. I never brought it up, but from time to time, I felt stung by the comment, deep down believing that he was right…

Until I accidentally caught the way my once worst rival was looking at me that Tuesday afternoon after practice.

I wasn’t doing well in practice the past few days, oblivious of Ryochin’s and Ayako’s yelling at me to concentrate, not really taking in Haruko san’s concern, and most of all not bothering to criticize the fox’s showy attitude for once. Maybe it was because of Youhei and his new found girl friend. I was walking down the road to meet the guntai, not having an inkling that Rukawa happened to be walking the same route. I casually turned to the glass panes of a coffee shop. I saw my reflection. And I saw the fox’s reflection.

Then it struck me… how mysteriously beautiful he looked…reminding me of that perfectly sculpted goddess statue from a sacred temple I saw last weekend when sightseeing with Haruko san…his skin as fair and smooth as that white jade, his build neither too muscular nor too thin, but right in the middle, his face chiseled so perfectly that no makeup seems to be necessary to enhance its attractiveness. A kind of beauty I don’t think I’ve ever seen in the fifty one girls that rejected me...and there is something so different, so deep and enigmatic about those eyes that I lost myself in them. I momentarily forgot about our past fights, our past enmity, and that he was another male…

No wonder so many girls are after him. He is so beautiful that even another man can fall in love with him. I was so blinded by my infatuation in girls that I never noticed…

*For your eyes only, only for you*
The love I know you need in me
The fantasy you freed in me

Just that mere glimpse of those clear, frozen lakes of blue temporarily rooted me to where I was standing. But it wasn’t the pure and serene sapphire the eyes normally portrayed. Because I could have sworn that when the icy fox made eye contact with me, there were swirling waves of emotions underneath the placid layer, threatening to break free. They were not chaotic like the crashing currents that day I was sailing with the guntai when a storm struck; instead, they were breathtaking, like the bright colors dancing through the crystal lens of a kaleidoscope I remember looking through when I was in kindergarten. However, what mystifies me the most was that every one of those emotions seemed to be earnestly beseeching me and me alone; for what I had absolutely no idea…

We stared at each other on the glass windows for as long as a minute. Then, realizing what I was doing, I turned away abruptly, my cheeks feeling a strange burn.

I couldn’t believe this. I’ve never noticed such things in any girl I’ve met! Maybe because there was something else there…

What I saw in Rukawa Kaede’s usually cold eyes had filled me with a completely unknown yet wonderful sensation, one which seemed to engulf the heavy emptiness that had hung in my heart for so long. The feeling felt like a strong blend of the passionate adoration I had felt for Haruko, together with the warm feeling of being cared for and watched over that Youhei once gave me. Unquestionably, it was the deepest and most complicated feeling I had ever felt for someone. As far as I can remember, I have used his hands mainly for violent means, to punish, hurt, and even to encourage other people (bigger than I am). The gentlest acts I have used with them are patting Haruko, Youhei or my teammates in a friendly gesture. That’s probably because I’ve never found anyone I felt affectionate and comfortable enough. I wonder if I can finally use them for an even gentler purpose…to coax the fox to remove his icy mask, to be willing to share a concealed part of him, to pour out his true emotions, and because of what I saw the other day, I think he actually has some. But I’m tired of fighting for control; I now want to belong to someone, I want someone to want me…

…what was I thinking? How much would the Fox want to know about me anyway, most of our time together full of insults and trivial fist fights? Maybe, because I’m feeling depressed these days, the emotions in his gracefully slanting eyes were just an illusion. It all sounds ridiculous now. The guy is so preoccupied in basketball that he has no interest in another human being. He’d most likely find my feelings all disgusting and meaningless. What can I give to Rukawa Kaede that’ll make him appreciate me anyway? Last and most importantly…would anyone be able to love that vulnerable and bitter part of me? As these thoughts hit me, I feel the heavy feeling gradually returning.

Only for you
Only for you

How I fear other people won’t accept me. How I fear I can’t accept myself like this. How I fear that the fox will turn me down. I’ll bet everyone would just laugh their heads off if they really knew the overly confident tensai…just how unconfident he is deep inside.

“I’m sorry. I don’t want to become close to anyone anymore, because they always turn out to abandon me one way or another. I vow that I’ll get rid of this stupid inner weakness all by myself…” I whispered, more to my heart than anything else. And my heart responded with a wrenching protest, seeming to accept neither my apology nor vow.

For your eyes only
The nights are never cold

I used to prefer taking naps in the day time; I shiver in the night because of the lonely dreams of my past memories. Whenever I had a good dream, it would always be about becoming the best basketball player in the world. But this time my good dream was about something different…

It was four o’clock in the morning when I opened his eyes. I always woke up early every morning, because of my daytime naps. It’s a good way to escape from dullness in the day time before practice. However, I can’t help feel regret for having done so this particular night, because it happened there had been something in my dreams that I wanted to gaze at much longer. Then I realize there was still a soft smile tugging on my lips.

In the past, I thought that I absolutely hated smiling. To me, it was such a meaningless and phony gesture. Lately, however, it felt strangely uncomfortable not to smile more often, when I think of the face of a certain someone. To add to my frustration, the act gives me an unrecognizable sensation, something that feels warm and tingling. A feeling that I increasingly long for…

You really know me
*That’s all I need to know*

People may think that feelings mean nothing to me…but in fact they do. I value them so much that I don’t want to express them in unworthy situations. One day, however, I noticed that the normally too-hyperactive-for-his-own-good Sakuragi Hanamichi had been so unresponsive lately that he didn’t even bother to insult or strike at me when I reprimanded him…I was so unused to seeing the do’aho like that, I couldn’t concentrate as well as usual.

Afterwards, my treasured nap times were used to follow the red haired boy at a distance, to find out all I can about why the boy seemed so down. But to my surprise, my usual loud-mouthed teammate showed and talked nothing of it to anyone else even his lot of delinquents or our assistant manageress who he used to dote on. It’s my first time seeing that king of naïveness disguise his feelings.

Yesterday, I followed him a little, as usual. Unfortunately, he seemed to catch sight of my reflection as we were walking toward a restaurant. His mirrored eyes portrayed a blank, stunned look, but I managed to catch the look he wore before that…a lost, vulnerable little orphan/stray kitten, needing love and understanding…then for some reason, the do’aho broke off our visual contact.

I was so confused…I wondered how someone so slow and naïve can look so pained…someone seemingly so strong as to not fear injuring his back further or repeatedly withstanding the ex-captain’s punches.

*Maybe I’m an open book*
*Because I know you’re mine*
*But you won’t need to read between the lines*

I don’t see him hang out with his friend that often nowadays, nor see him act stupidly in front of the ex-captain’s sister anymore…Was that why? But I am very happy and relieved. Because now he is not preoccupied with another, I can take the chance to show Sakuragi Hanamichi some of my true feelings. Emotions I’ve never revealed to anyone except my instructor years ago.

For your eyes only
Only for you
You see what no one else can see
*And now I’m breaking free*

I used to live with a very rich family, and went to a prestigious elementary. Even the kids my age were as cynical and superficial as their parents. Hating such an environment, I tried to stay away from everyone as much as possible. My classmates called me a freak, and my teachers labeled me as autistic. I so despised my own parents because they seem to value their reputation more than anything else, and constantly yelled at me how my freaky attitude shamed them. But I believe that they are far more insensitive than I am, putting money and face in front of my feelings. The one I believe truly understood me was Nakada Kiku, my physical education teacher in fourth grade. She introduced me to basketball to distract my loneliness. To me, she was my mother, father, friend, and perhaps even more. However, she had to leave the school shortly after that year, abandoning me. I then resolved not to reveal my emotions to anything, except my then all time favorite sport.

During junior high, having enough of all the phoniness, I decided to move out and live on my own. Since I am still their son, they send me enough money to survive on my own, but we never really see each other, nor communicate with each other in any way. Now, I am no longer the freak of the school, but the most popular and admired. I scorn it because my admirers, especially the lovesick girls’ affection towards me is superficial, focused only on my basketball abilities. Just like those in elementary school, they don’t seem to give a damn about understanding my true personality or feelings. Thus, I only bother to speak against or fight people only if they had harmful intentions towards me or basketball.

But there was something about the red haired beginner so different from everyone else. Everyone on our team probably agrees that although a newcomer, Sakuragi Hanamichi is the very manifestation of the Shohoku Basketball Team’s spirit, maybe even more representative than I am; his flaming hair as red as our jerseys, his aggressiveness reflecting our fearlessness to overcome obstacles, and his swiftness of learning mirrors the team’s capacity to strengthen itself overnight. But in my eyes, it’s mostly the fact that he is an overly innocent (yet not harmless) little do’aho.

Totally new to basketball, Sakuragi Hanamichi seemed like a naïve child that needed all the motivation and attention he could get in order to succeed. And I felt a strange sense of responsibility to help nourish the boy’s skills. I tried to ignore the annoying fool at first, but became very distracted when he wasn’t concentrating in practice, and felt compelled to throw at least a word of encouragement when he showed improvement. As Sakuragi seemed to be more willing to work with me, I surprisingly found it easier to entrust the ball to my other teammates too. DIn addition to my ultimate dream of becoming a professional player in America, I am also beginning to hope that my red haired teammate wanted to follow my footsteps as well, instead of remaining a delinquent.

For your eyes only
Only for you
The passions that collide in me
The Wild Abandoned side of me

After that particular day of following him, I began to notice his eyes more frequently. Those fiery eyes, like the sun, are so hopeful, so determined. Many other people find the flaming pair of brown eyes intimidating, but I can see much more than just the heat and determination. The young boy’s eyes, unlike my lifeless ones, have a very life and personality of their own, taking on a hundred other different appearances.

I almost feel that my heart, and eventually my life, is slowly being controlled by that pair of hypnotic eyes. So much that I can almost live in them. So much that I feel my passion in basketball being threatened.

When I see the childish thrill in the red haired boy’s eyes as others compliment his progress, I feel strangely excited and proud too. I feel so tempted to do that hateful act, to smile for someone.

Weirdly enough, I am starting to watch something else besides the NBA on television. I’m actually becoming more and more into in the romantic movie channels, tuning in every second of the kissing scenes. I am especially drawn to the actress’s gaze full of desire at her loved one. I imagine that the eyes belong to the adoringly innocent face of the red haired do’aho, gazing at me. And I fantasize my hand running through the boy’s silky red hair soothingly, just like how I pet the little black kittens that happen to be in my path...then comforting that strong, beautiful golden skin on his face and body, which mask the pain and vulnerability he is trying to hide. Of course, I’ll eventually tell him what he means to me; and he’ll understand-not from reading my lips-but feeling them whisper the body language /of passion on his fingers, through the broad chest into his heart…and then screaming in his own petal-soft mouth, sweeter and juicier than the ripest cherry. For once in my life, my fingers itch to feel something else, something that isn’t round and bumpy like a basketball, but long, smooth…and warm. I know that when he wants me to do so, he has already opened up his soul for me to embrace, and yearns for my possession of his love.

And finally, there is a vague feeling of sourness in my nose and swelling in my eyes when I see the emptiness that once resembled mine…the sadness is so clearly expressed in his eyes that it is all the sadness in the world to me.

Only for you
For your eyes only

I increasingly wish to know every detail about the red haired boy. His feelings, his memories, and what will become of him in the future…

But why would the boy be willing to share his pains to one who looks so selfish and uncaring? What makes me think that I have the capability to show the red head the love he needs? I felt reluctant to approach him before, fearing that I’ll hurt him more than before, fearing he’d be disgusted with a male loving him...sometimes I wish I could change his gender or my own, so I could tell him my feelings openly...

Somehow, I know that I’m going to win the boy’s love, and make him open up to me. Now is the perfect time, when he has his dazzling eyes on no one else, and no one else has their eyes on him. Because the red haired do’aho has stirred in my heart an ambition which is for once as strong as striving for my basketball dream. Because the boy has slowly melted the world of ice I’ve been living in through my eyes and my heart for so long. Because only I need his acceptance and he needs my loving care, mine alone.