| Original Message |
Ju (no login)
Posted May 18, 2003 2:00 PM
The first thing I noticed was the formatting of the fic. Because there were no marks to indicate that the beginning was actually Hana's thoughts, I found it a little confusing. Perhaps using italics could work.
Another thing about the formatting is that maybe you shouldn't start every sentence or so on a new line. Just putting the thoughts, then the actions, in blocks of writing would be fine.
eg. He did it ! He did it ! ARGH ! I can’t believe he did it ! Just because of that fragile kitsune, no more ! ARGH ! Baka kitsune ! Be happy that you are dead or else I would already have sent you burning your ass in hell ! And that Gori ! ARGH ! How did he dare ? How did he dare kick the tensai out of the team ? Just because of kitsune’s weakness ? ARGH !
Although, in this particular example, you could probably start a new paragraph with every "ARGH!"... so to speak.
Also, I noticed that you put a space before every exclamation mark or full stop, which isn't necessary.
Other little things:
Just because of that fragile kitsune, no more !
No more what...? No more basketball?
How did he dare ? How did he dare kick the tensai out of the team ?
It should be "How dare he? How dare he kick..."
Because of a stupid kitsune who don’t how to correctly stand on his feet, who just have to be in the ball way, who just have to fall and stupidly break his little neck !
"Because of a stupid kitsune who doesn't know how to correctly stand on his feet, who just had to be in the ball's way, who just had to fall..."
Although, if Rukawa is dead, maybe it should be "who didn't know how to correctly stand on his feet"?
Just because I accidently threw that ball, squarely in his face !
"Just because I accidentally threw..."
A laughing-like-mad, smiling and singing happily redhead could be seen on the pavement, making a little joy dance.
"A laughing-like-mad, smiling and happily singing redhead... a little dance of joy."
Killing, even that stupid and useless fox, is such a pain in the ass.
I think you need something more there. Perhaps "Killing, even if it was just that stupid and useless fox..."
On a final note, I'd have to say that the fic just needs more, in general. The idea is certainly good, but it needs to be fleshed out with more details. I hope you won't be discouraged by my beta, though, because it is only your first fic. Just let me know if you'd like any more help.
Ju
the blue ellie |
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