| Original Message |
Ju (no login)
Posted Aug 21, 2003 11:34 PM
Firstly, general spelling and grammatical corrections:
...something that (I’ll never admit out loud) frightens me a little, but simultaneously gives me a odd sense of comfort…
The "a" should be "an".
With the help of oyaji and my teammates, I learned to discipline that unrestrained impulsiveness to a moderate level.
Unfortunately, doing so gradually made me find out where my unrestrained brashness partly came from...
The first "unrestrained" isn't really necessary, because "impulsiveness" already implies a lack of restraint; also, you used the adjective twice.
I completely ignored tuned out his pleas for me to stop being a delinquent...
Which one is it? ^^;;
Closing my eyes in resignation, I know deep down inside that the vulnerable part of me had never really left me.
The second "me" sounds a little odd; you probably don't need it.
Early last year, I only saw my cold, uncaring junior-high self in slightly slanted eyes of the boy.
Missing a "the"; "in the slightly".
Although we are known to be opposites, Rukawa seems to be more alike a true part of me than anyone else.
Just "like", without the "a".
The fifty one girls who rejected me sure seemed to think so, and I probably never did either…
It's unclear what it is that he didn't do; those sentences could do with some rewording.
We stared at each other on the glass windows for as long as a minute.
That sentence doesn't quite make sense as it is, even though I understand what you're trying to say. Perhaps "each other's reflections" might sound better.
As far as I can remember, I have used his hands mainly for violent means, to punish, hurt, and even to encourage other people (bigger than I am). The gentlest acts I have used with them are patting Haruko, Youhei or my teammates in a friendly gesture.
"For as long as" sounds better than "as far as". It should be "my", instead of "his". And perhaps "my teammates on the back in a friendly gesture".
The guy is so preoccupied in basketball that he has no interest in another human being.
Should be "with", not "in". And instead of "has", it might be better to use the conditional tense there (especially since you use the conditional in the very next sentence); that is, "he would have no interest".
It was four o’clock in the morning when I opened his eyes.
Should be "my".
However, I can’t help feel regret for having done so this particular night, because it happened there had been something in my dreams that I wanted to gaze at much longer.
Missing a "but" in "help but feel". Missing a few words with "happened"; something like "it just so happened that there" sounds much smoother.
...my usual loud-mouthed teammate showed and talked nothing of it to anyone else even his lot of delinquents or our assistant manageress who he used to dote on.
Missing some commas and a "not"; "anyone else, not even" and "assistant manageress, whom".
It’s my first time seeing that king of naïveness disguise his feelings.
The word is "naivety".
...a lost, vulnerable little orphan/stray kitten, needing love and understanding...
Not such a good idea to use a slash there; an "or" would suffice.
...Sakuragi Hanamichi seemed like a naïve child...
Overuse of the word "naive". -.-;;
DIn addition to my ultimate dream of becoming a professional player in America...
Typo.
...then comforting that strong, beautiful golden skin on his face and body, which mask the pain and vulnerability he is trying to hide.
I'm not sure that "comforting" is the word to use; "soothing" is better, but still doesn't really fit. -.-;;
...and he’ll understand-not from reading my lips-but feeling them whisper the body language /of passion on his fingers, through the broad chest into his heart...
Missing a word in "but from feeling", typo with "of", and "his" would probably be better than "the".
What makes me think that I have the capability to show the red head the love he needs?
"Redhead" is one word.
Okay. takes a breather And now some overall thoughts about the fic:
The tense is a mess. -.- In some passages, it's correct and logical, but in others you switch from one sentence to another. Personally, I think that first-person narratives work well in the present tense, and the same is true for this fic here. So all the action taking place in the 'present' of this fic would be in the present tense, while the flashbacks would be in past tense. (If you need more help with the tenses, let me know.)
The style that you've chosen to write in is very dramatic; perhaps too much so. There are moments that I really enjoyed, such as: ...like the bright colors dancing through the crystal lens of a kaleidoscope I remember looking through when I was in kindergarten. The bit about Rukawa watching soapies on TV and feeling touched was really amusing, and the ending itself was quite lovely. However, the language is often too formal (eg. "thus"), yet you occasionally switch to very informal language (eg. "freaky").
Somewhere in the beginning, you used Japanese words such as "otou-san", or "baka"; I'd advise against this, and suggest that you stick to English. ^^;;
One minor thing: Youhei actually calls him "Hanamichi", not "Sakuragi".
Something that really caught my attention was the switch in POV. Did you intentionally make it unclear? Because I only realised that the POV had changed somewhere around Rukawa's second paragraph. If it's not intentional, maybe you could put some sort of indicator that one section was coming to an end; not anything so tacky as "Sakuragi's POV/Rukawa's POV", but a line like this "~~~~~", perhaps? ^^;;
And lastly: there is a vague feeling of sourness in my nose... This line made me go "What the... O_o".
Anyway, hope this helped, and if you want to you can edit your fic, then post it again under this thread for further discussion. ^^
Ju
the blue ellie |
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