Here we go again, Hanase-chan ^____^ Heehee...This time, I'm not going to try anymore of that html stuff...Heehee...It just might turn funny again...
Anyways...
The text that I will be putting up here will be the ones that need corrections. If a paragraph/phrase is not here, then it is safe to assume that that part is already all right.
Text enclosed within [] are either to be omitted or revised.
This symbol ^ indicates that a word or phrase has been added.
sentences beginning with an asterisk [*] are my comments and suggestions.
~**~
He slung[ed] his sports bag over his shoulder[s] as he walked towards the sports stadium, deep in his thoughts. "Oi! Wild monkey! Watch where you're going!" A loud voice boomed ^out when he realised he had knocked into someone. He looked up with slit eyes.
"Now what[?!],red hair^ed monkey?"
"Oi! Shouldn't you apologi[s]ze [to me]? You ^just knocked into me!" Said red hair^ed monkey glared.
"What![!!]? You rude, arrogant monkey! How dare you treat ^the Tensai in such a manner?! [You insolent monkey!]" ^The red haired monkey who calls himself ^the Tensai but in fact goes by the real name of Hanamichi Sakuragi [shoot]shot his mouth off at him. [He]Kiyota rolled his eyes as he walked past Hanamichi.
"Why are you following me?[ You bug] ^ You annoying idiot?" He snarled in [the]^his most irritated tone.
"Hmph! ^ Do you think you own the road, you wild hair^ed slug?" Hanamichi snorted as he walked ^on ahead. ^The [W]wild hair^ed slug^, who is also known as ^ the [W]wild monkey but goes by the real name of Kiyota Nobunaga^, glared fiercely at the tall^, strapping guy in front of him. He quickened his pace. Hmph! How dare he overtake[s] me?
* You might like to italicize the 'Hmph! How dare he overtake me?' part since this is Kiyota's thoughts. Thoughts should be set apart from actions and speech through some indication.
--Location: The swimming pool on the 6th level in the sports stadium--
*This may just be me, but I think that change of venues shouldn't be indicated in such a way. It should somehow be worked into the story. Like for example: " Once Hanamichi and Kiyota got to the swimming pool at the sixth level of the sports stadium..."
Hanamichi looked appreciatively at the figure in the changing room. The combination of an atheletic frame with lean^, taut muscles and shapely legs was [an] eye candy to him. He snickered inwardly. Well, my figure and muscles are [much] more magnificent than his. I am the Tensai after all. He grinned a toothy grin.
* Whose figure was Hanamichi looking at? You can change that sentence into:
' Hanamichi looked appreciatively at Kiyota's figure in the changing room.'
or 'Hanamichi looked appreciatively at the wild monkey's figure in the changing room.'
Once again, you might like to italicize Hanamichi's thoughts.
"Why are you looking at me like [this]that?" Kiyota frowned, as a bad premonition settled in his mind.
"Hah! Why should I look at you? I'm [much] more handsome looking." He snorted. Kiyota made a puking face and walked out. He did now want to waste his precious time on the [self-appraisal obssessed]self appraising obsessed red haired monkey. Hanamichi's eyes twinkled as he stared into empty space [in the]towards the direction of the changing room entrance.
"[Nah]Nothing. [j]Just want to see how badly you swim. ^It doesn't look[s] as though you're swimming fast enough to me." Hanamichi shrugged his shoulders as he put on a [disdain look] look of disdain on his face.
"What do you mean I'm not fast enough?? I can outswim you anytime!" Kiyota snarled angrily.
* Don't go overboard with the punctuation. One question mark would have done fine.
"Oh yeah?" The red head replied in a mocking tone. "Why don't we have a little competition [than]then?" He suggested [in a cheeky tone.] cheekily.
"Hmph! Sure! I will make you a lose[r]!" Kiyota gave him a superior look.
The two competitive monkeys soon engage^d in a fierce 'war', each trying to outswim the other. Both were on par initially, but after a few laps had passed, Kiyota began to lag behind Hanamichi. In the end, it was quite clear as to who emerged as the winner. Treading ^water in the pool, Kiyota glared daggers at the figure above him ^by the side of the pool.
"[Shucks]! I'll [surely win you the next time!]beat you for sure next time!"
"Oh really? We'll see. Ore Wa Tensai! Waahahahaha..." Hanamichi laughed heartily as he strolled haughtily^, in true Tensai style^, to the changing room. Kiyota punched an angry fist [at]into the water and gave ^Hanamichi's back his darkest and sulkiest look [behind Hanamichi's back]. He muttered incessantly for a full 15 minutes before he climbed out of the pool and stretched his limbs. They were feeling quite sore after that vigourous little competition.
*What was he muttering? He muttered curses uncessantly under his breath for a full 15 minutes... or He muttered about the stupidity of red haired monkeys and their superioty complexes for a full 15 minutes...
Kiyota stepped into the bath cubicle just as Hanamichi came out. "So, when is [out]our next race? Wild monkey." He smirked. Kiyota replied with a grunt and ignored him as he shut the door right in his face. Hanamichi smiled merrily and had a very meaningful look on his handsome face as he fixed his gaze on the closed door in front of him.
After having enjoyed a slow and cooling bath amounting to two hours, Kiyota felt decidedly more refreshed and invigorated. He was [towelling]toweling his long, wet hair as he stepped out of the bath cubicle, when he saw ^that the red haired monkey was still in the changing room.
He was about to start [on]^saying something, but stopped when the present scene hit [on] him.The redhead was sitting on the bench, showing off his naked upper half in its full glory, his back facing him. [The red head's was back facing him, sitting on the bench showing off his naked upper half in full glory]. The red head was^, at the moment, flexing his muscles and Kiyota was astounded at how smoothly those muscles moved[,] and curved along that strong body [frame in]at the right angles and proportions. He had seen his top half of the body in the past, when they were still in rival high schools. But[only till]it was only today[ did he] that he saw the difference. That amazing body had taken on a deeper bronze tan and those rippling muscles were thicker. Together with that short layered style of messy, crowning red tresses, it was a sight to behold. Kiyota held his breath for some seconds, [thinking]wondering why he had never noticed it before.
"Wha...what?! I...I'm not looking at you!" He stuttered, [a feeling of flusterness eating at him] feeling flustered.
"Aah?! No! No! I...I'm going [off]!" A red faced Kiyota grabbed his bag and stomped out of the changing room like a robot. He did not even bother[ed] to comb his wet, messy hair nicely. Hanamichi flashed a devilish smirk. He quickly put on a [white loose]loose white t-shirt before he took his bag and followed right after Kiyota.
Ahh...That's it. Heehee...It was pretty amusing to see the wild monkey all weird and flustered...Heehee...
Laree
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RuKo no Miko
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