This will come as a shock to some, but as of yesterday I am an ordained minister in the Universal Life Church. I have already sent away for my official ID, "Clergy" badge, windshield sticker, and All-Occasion Manual of Services. I am now empowered to perform marriages, funerals and other functions, up to but not including circumcision. Just thought you'd like to know.

CONGRATULATIONS! It never ceases to amaze me what a diverse group us St. Rose-ites are. If I need a minister, I will definitely let you know.

John, I guess that now with your new title, you'll have to change the name of "Mr. Crowley's Cul-de-sac of Doom." How's "Rev's Alley?" Or something like "Reverend Crowley, Superior of the Universal Life Church, invites you to his blind alley of death and destruction?" Or it could be, "Clergyman Crowley's Cul-de-Sac of Calamitous Fate?" Just joking, John. Congratulations!

No gifts, please. But I think it's a nice tradition to have the clergy over for dinner.

Hey John,

Its been awhile since our Dickee Dees reunion. How have you been? Does this mean you are free from paying taxes?

Wow John, I thought you were pretty darn amazing before, but now even a higher more challenging accomplishment. Is there no end to your great achievements in life? I think not my friend. CONGRATULATIONS! once again Linda

Thanks!

To fill you in, though, I was watching Fox News the other day, and they apparently had done a story on the ULC, and how easy it is to get "ordained." To demonstrate, Brit Hume had gone to their website (http://www.ulc.org) and taken the plunge, so to speak, and had a handsome Internet Certificate to show for it, just like the one above. Naturally, once ordained, new arrivals are invited to purchase the various accoutrement they will need for a successful ministry, like badges, manuals, blank forms, etc. (Although I must say the prices are reasonable, and I intend to stock up.)

But I'm getting ahead of myself. As a good Catholic, I have sometimes thought about the priesthood, but always decided against it, as I don't like young boys. So when presented with the opportunity to easily acquire clergy status (without the awful seminary dating scene), I followed an impulse and signed up with this outfit, figuring, I suppose, that there are worse shitbirds than me wearing the collar.

What will I do with my new ministry? I hope to use it, first, to get bumped up to First Class more often. And then there are the many thousands of swimming pools in New Jersey that need to be blessed, with their attendant barbecues. Hell, I may even do some good.


John F. Crowley
Webmaster
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"Lake Sho-sho-bokomo is right over the top of this mountain!"

hi, FYI, my nephew did the same but for different reasons. he is very cynical & did it as a "joke". he can do all of the things you mentioned i believe for $40.00. what a gimmick! i am starting a church. gonna call it DCR Church. "drum corps rejects". at $40.00 a pop imagine the potential income sitting out there. i won't have to work anymore.

Congratulations, Rev. & do the collar well.

Tim

I've been scanning the Bodholt's Diner archive pages, and speaking as a legitimately ordained clergy person (man! I hate this PC language!), We guys can breathe a sigh of relief that you'd not been given the credentials for circumcision! Otherwise, there'd be a lot sore losers out there .....

Congrats on your ordination Rev. Crowley like my great Uncle Shlomo
says "it won't be long now" so make sure you keep the blade nice and sharp for the up coming bris for Bob Davis Jr.

Rico, Too late buddy. That was done long ago.

See what you get for digging in the archives, Skip?

John, tell us how sharp the resident Rabbi is ;^)

Well, I never expected this old thread to come up again, but to update you, I have successfully completed the necessary ULC course to be awarded a Doctor of Divinity degree. So now it's Rev. Doctor Crowley. I figure at my worst I'm no less holy than some of the more traditionally accredited shitbirds we keep hearing and reading about.

Will you also assume the congregation of Reverand Jim of Taxi ?

Afraid not, Dick. With bridge and tunnel tolls slated for another increase, my flock will consist solely of local malcontents.

John, Congratulations on your new lofty status,can the papacy be next? Now that you're qualified will it be long before you too will be playing the "HIDE THE BRACIOLE" game. It seems to happen to the best of them at least in the catholic church anyway. Please let me know so that I can plan my seating arrangement for our next monthly meeting.
GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS,
Tony

You're safe for now, Tony. But for only $10.50 more I can get a swanky-looking certificate that bestows upon me a religious title (I'm trying to decide between Monsignor and Cardinal), and at that point, all bets are off.

Say there, Padre, are you gonna answer the question put before you ;^)

How about?
THE REVEREND COOL BREEZE CROWLEY OF THE CHURCH
OF WHAT IT IS BE HAPPENING NOW!
Kinda catchy, don't you think?

Dear Reverend Crowley,
After much contemplation I believe only one title befits a man of your impeccable stature. That of course is the one and only"GRAND HIGH EXALTED MYSTIC RULER". Once again John congratulations on your ordination and walk always in the footsteps of the LORD. We must all have too much time on our hands.

Tony

Tony, if I accept the title of Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler, I must also accept a final resting place in the Raccoon National Cemetery in Bismarck, North Dakota, and frankly I have other plans.

Rico, about the papacy: If nominated, I will not run; if elected, I will not serve.

My major concern here is that Rico, in his deep undercover work, has recruited Egan and Parisi! Looks like it's time for McCree to investigate! John McCree where are you?

Dear Bob,
I Thought that John could only investigate mail fraud,but I guess the good Rev. Crowley did get his diploma or certificate or whatever the hell he calls that thing through the mail. I thought that you could get one of those certificates on the back cover of Superman comic books. It was either that or those x-ray glasses that you could see through women's clothes with. Personally I would have gotten the glasses.
Tony

I hope I don't have to call you "REVEREND".......

Margie, I'll see you in my study after services and we'll discuss it.

Dear Rev.Crowley Is there any chance that you will be celebrating midnight mass this joyous holiday season.Please let me know so that I can volunteer my expertise as a altar boy/man ,whatever.I have been diligently practicing my latin responces and feel up to this glorius challenge.O WHAT A NIGHT IT WILL BE.Also no hanky-panky in the sacristy(if you know what I mean).

I was a choir boy at good counsel from 4th through 7th grade. How embarassing was that!!! Every Midnight Mass for four years. Luckily we moved to fourth Street in 1959. And I can not even sing???

Yeah, Tony, no grab-ass in the sacristy. But make sure your cassock and surplice are in good order.

(I can still remember the order of vestments we altar boys had to master: amice, alb, cincture, maniple, stole, chasuble. How's that?)

Rev. CROWLEY, HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY REMEMBER ALL THAT STUFF,YOU MUST HAVE BEEN A BETTER CATHOLIC THAN I THOUGHT.NO WONDER WHY YOU WERE SUCH A FAVORITE OF THE BRACIOLE LOVING BROTHERS AT ESSEX CATHOLIC.I'M REALLY SHOCKED YOU DIDN'T LAST LONGER ALTHOUGH MAYBE THAT WAS YOUR PROBLEM,YOU DIDN'T LAST LONG ENOUGH.

Well, Brother Ferro got a punch in the stomach for his trouble, so I guess you could say our date ended early. Anyway, I conduct a relatively hands-off ministry. I can make a killing just blessing swimming pools at $50 a pop.

Dear Rev.Crowley, Just a short note to let you know that I've never had any complaint's yet about my cassock and surplice.