Here's a status update of sorts: I have what psychologists have long recognized as the innate desire in most human beings to see Facebook fail horribly - otherwise known as Schadenfacebook.
I'm not alone. As I type this, the "most popular" new stories on the interwebs involve the words Facebook, IPO and fiasco. I'm not business-minded, so IPOs are foreign to me. However, I am familiar with the politics going on with the federal government, so I know all about fiascoes.
I didn't know I had Schadenfacebook until the stock started to slip. Then I discovered I wanted to see its rating plummet from "buy" to "sell" to "drachma" all the way down to "same worth as Netscape Navigator." The more screwed up the situation gets, the happier I become.
"Why the hate for Facebook?" a friend messaged me after I'd ranted about my glee online. I can only assume his wink emoticon was implied. How do I hate Facebook? Let me count the ways.
There's the way FB assumes that your life is a pristine experience that you would want documented in full detail on your timeline, including your drunkest photos and your whiniest posts. When I got divorced, my news feed said that I was now single with a happy little heart.
There's also Facebook's amorphous privacy settings, which distract from the truth that the site has no privacy at all. Would anyone really be surprised if Facebook one day undeleted all the we've deleted and released all our chat messages, perhaps as a "service" when we've died? "Learn about Grandma's affair! Only $9.99!"
Or how about the way FB friends can add you to events without permission, so you're suddenly getting postings from some group you don't actually support, like the Man-Gorilla Love Association or an Evening of Serviceable Green Day Covers?
And there's CEO mark Zuckerberg, who combines all the worst traits of various cliques and creates his own sort of Franken-niche - the businessman-nerd-bully - all while jealously guarding his privacy in a thermonuclear example of irony.
But very worst of all, after all these complaints, I can't stop using it. It knows my weaknesses. It knew I couldn't resist Facebook once my email inbox was filled with requests to join. It knows I'm too lazy to remember a password for a newspaper's sports section, so I login through Facebook. It knows that asking for creative feedback on Facebook is easier than talking to people individually, even if it's not better.
Apple, for all its flaws, seems to understand what people want. Facebook knows what they will put up with. So crash and burn, Facebook. Crash like a North Korean rocket. And, when it all lies in pieces, feel free to ass the event to your timeline. With all this Schadenfacebook, I'll be sure to like it.