I met this guy on line and we chatted almost all day long for about a month. Then we started going out for beers after work on Fridays. Then we hung out a couple of times a week. It sounds like a long time, but the whole thing took about six weeks. We had sex. It was an awkward disaster, but we got through it and he said "I'll talk to you Monday." Monday I didn't hear from him and I haven't heard from him in two weeks. He hasn't been online, doesn't answer his phone or email. He isn't dead. And actually the Sunday after THE EVENT he was on the message board I met him on but he didn't send me a private message.
I'm newly single and now I hurt so much, much more then I should. I don't love him. But I don't understand what happened so I keep thinking about it. I'm resisting the urge to pour my heart out in an email or a message. But then I think, "What do I have to lose?" Help me!
A bad lay isn't worth getting that upset about. It's at least half his fault. Maybe he's embarrassed. If you already tried contacting him and were ignored, give him space. Maybe it was moving too fast. (Yeah, I know, he maybe should have thought of that before he got his dick out. Common male ailment). It's hard not to feel rejected after that, but don't. He is obviously a doo-doo head with issues, and that's not your fault.
When things like this happen I usually talk to Jiggy until he gets mad and screams at me that I deserve better, so you could try that.
The best advice I can give you, in addition to the advice above, is do NOT lose your dignity. You said he's not answering his e-mails or phone.....STOP TRYING TO CONTACT HIM. You definitely sound like you deserve better, but you don't want him thinking otherwise.
As much fun as you may have had, as much as you may have thought this might be a guy you'd like to spend some time with.....he wasn't. Plus the sex was bad. I'd be happy (in a finding-the-silver-lining-kind-of-way) that he turned out to be a love 'em and leaver....can you imagine if he'd been 100% perfect in every single way except in bed?
Hang in there. You sound like a smart person. Sometimes, there aren't any clear answers as to why people behave the way they do.
Not necessarily that it was an awkward disaster, but maybe. It's also a possibility that he leans toward the chase anyway, and once the goal was accomplished he found he wasn't that interested any more. This is generally considered a reprehensible trait in men, and I guess it probably is, but it's as much about his need for personal validation that someone might pay him the ultimate compliment by sleeping with him, and having attained it - well, he's not ready or interested in the next bit. I used to have a bit of this tendency in college.
That psychobabble aside, there are plenty of markers here that indicate you're better off without this guy:
1) That he didn't call the day after sex. Regardless if my above theory is true, it's a basic sign of respect when you've been that intimate with someone to call them the next day. Even if you're gonna ditch anyway, you do it. It's the difference between feeling like you fell for a cheap one-night stand and both people feeling happy with their choice no matter what happens next. It's basic human kindness, and he's lacking it where it counts.
2) If it was about the awkwarndness, he's shallow. How often does the EVENT come of magically the first time? Sometimes, sure - but not always. If he's so lightly involved in you that he flees at the first sign of imperfection, he's not really relationship material. Such a person faced with real adversity is probably unreliable at this point in their lives.
3) If it really was chemically wrong for him, it probably was for you too, and you know it. You're really mourning the ideal you were hoping for, not the guy himself. Still, he owed you a call. You could have called him yourself the next day, or the day after that, but at this point I wouldn't do it. Don't take him on at your community - what's the point? He'll just get defensive and in the worst case tell you exactly why he didn't call - which I promise you won't help your feelings at all.
4) If you're recently single, you're probably unnaturally amplifying all of this in part because you're not used to being alone, and part of you just wants to reattain that which you've just lost. I'm sorry to say that's not your best plan, and you're probably not going to find a healthy deal until you're a little better at living within your own skin. Relationships should compliment you, not compensate for you.
Well, I may be off, and I spewed all that based on very little information - but I hope that helps. Sorry you're sad - it's no fun at all to be where you are, I know.
While we were having sex, he didn't want me looking at his body. That was where part of the awkwardness came from. And after I left I thought "How am I gonna get out of having sex with him again?" But I miss him. He was really smart and funny and we had a lot in common. Would it be ok to call him after a month? Thanks so much for all the advice and the hug from Arwen.
a) He has self esteem issues so close to the surface you experienced them the first time you had sex?
b) You don't even want to have sex with him again?
You've already made up your mind this guy isn't boyfriend material. You just want your friend back. Shift into that mode then. "Hey, whatever happened we don't have to be weird about it. I enjoy your company, and I don't think we're made for each other in that way. I'd still enjoy talking to you and hanging out once in a while..."
He probably misses you in that way too, but doesn't know how to get back to there. You could email THAT now, I think.
Actually, I said it was at least half HIS fault. And I was talking about the sex, but if she was forbidden to look at him during, I'm willing to go more than half.
Not necessarily. That's why I said at least. Meaning, could be more. Like when someone does something really over the top to ruin it. I think trying to have sex with someone without looking at them might qualify.
Men lie for the vagina. It's what we do. It's what we've always done. It's one of the things that's allowed our species to dominate the planet. We tell you what you want to hear and you give us the vagine. It's a pretty neat system that, despite laws, wars, religions, fathers with shotguns and even disease, has a proven track record of success.
If we think that by joining your gym/club/religion/cult/amway level, we'll gain an advantage in the great quest to cross your clitoral threshold, we will most likely do it. We will fix your car, take your cat to the vet, pretend to enjoy the company of your friends and yes, even stay up all night while you blather on in a half drunken stupor about the issues you have with your mother.
But, if after planting our old glories in your holes of glory, we find it less than stellar (especially if we're in our early twenties and we don't yet appreciate the virtue of perfection via practice) we will move on to greener (or probably redder) pastures. After all, we have a planet to dominate.
Oh and the "I'll call you Monday" thing, yea... also a lie. Our bad. If you're looking for something that behaves a little better, get a dog.
You can not control the way other's act however you can control how you allow people (men specifically) to treat you. If you are not being treated the way you desire then you must immediately stop spending time with this person. Longing to spend time with a man who has discarded you is pathetic. Value yourself and stop giving yourself away so cheaply.
To me it sounds like you have very little self worth. I suggest you immediately give up your quest for finding a man to make you happy and instead concentrate yourself on finding out how to make yourself happy.
Go back to school, pursue a hobby, look for a more rewarding job, or develop girlfriends, a social network, or find a charity, volunteer. Vow to yourself that you will not date until you achieve happiness as a single. When you find yourself in that place where you are happy and secure and full of self worth you will find some one that fits perfectly into your life and treats you with respect.
It's been my experience that guys are wusses and sometimes won't be direct. If it sucked and you don't want him --fuck him. Er. You know what I mean.
Next!
Thanks for the advice, guys. It's hard to get over being duped and stupid. And it's hard realizing that I have issues I didn't know about before. Gonna hang out with girls this weekend, lick my wounds and move on!
That sounds like a good plan. I like what Appalled said...you need to be truly happy with yourself before you're able to find happiness with someone else.
