My ex husbands new wife contacted me on facebook and I really have no idea how to respond to this

Um, hi?
Between You and Betsy

Betsy XXXXXX XXXXXXX
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July 28 at 10:07am
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Hi Andi - This is Betsy, Bob's wife. Bob has become a Facebook recluse, but he said I could get in touch with you.

Could you please send us some new pictures of the boys? The ones we have are several years old. And I know he would love to hear from them and find out what they're up to- a call or letter would make his day!

Our address is XXXX XXXXX Ave. S., Minneapolis, MN 55407. His cell is (XXX) XXX-XXXX.

Apologies for the out-of-the-blue message!

Betsy


There are so many things wrong with this that I don't even know where to begin.

A) I'm so glad he gave you permission. Sounds like he hasn't changed a bit. Run Away! Run Away Now! before it gets to the point where you have to ask if it's ok for you to go to the grocery store after dark!

2) I send new school pictures of the boys every year in the Christmas card that you get that is never responded to in any way, the most recent ones you have are from last fall. They are the same ones all distant relatives receive. Perhaps if he wasn't such a 'recluse" (is that the new term for deadbeat, I wasn't aware) he'd see the more candid shots that everyone else sees on facebook.

Thirdly) Since when is it the childrens responsibility to contact their father? That would make his day? Well, we're all bout making Bob's day, y'know! The last contact we had with him was this

http://www.network54.com/Forum/181413/thread/1207747984/My+Ex+The+Jackass+-+Long+Ranty+Venting

and that didn't really work out so well for anyone!

And Lastly, You cowardly bastard, you can't even contact me yourself, you send your wife to do it???


Srsly, wtf?


the funny thing is, I've been talking with his brothers wife for a few months now, and when she added me on facebook, he told Betsy and his sister that they had to delete her as a friend, because she was friends with me now.

It actually doesn't totally suck

Maybe you could tell her to die in a canceraids fire?

Because of the excellent reasons you list of why that is so wrong in every way, you are not obligated to respond in any way.

He knows how to reach you if he cares to have contact with his children. You are not required to respond to his wife at all.

If he chooses to see that as a rejection of an overture, he continues to be fucked in the head.

Seriously - she's got no business here. 'delete'

oops, double post.

Wow. I clicked on the link....no word since April 2008? I might have to ignore his wife's response on Facebook and then block her. Ugh.

After giving you three beautiful children, I think you could muster just a little more respect for a man who has given you so much...

A) Deep breath
2) Raise middle finger to screen
Thirdly) Delete

Some people just suck. In all the worst ways.

I hope that was a joke Smirk.

This coming from Mr. Acceptance and Non-Judgemental: Andi's ex-husband deserves no leeway without an enormous, expertly crafted overture he initiates. Even then, I wouldn't judge Andi if she told him to fuck off.

How sad for her. She's convinced herself he's not an asshole.

Delete.

Dude, I was totally joking. That's the only response he's due once you take into consideration the link from April two-thousand and EIGHT.

There's two sides to every story. You're only hearing one of them. I'm sure Andi is no party to be in a relationship with.

What's a "facebook recluse" anyway. Is that someone who used to do facebook but no longer does? Or someone who just doesn't do facebook cuz they don't have the time? Does not using facebook really carry the negative conotations of being a "recluse".

Yes, not using the Facetube has negative connotations of being a recluse and also reeeeally ooooooold.

Wow anon. What brought that on?

He doesn't have to be in a relationship with Andi. He needs to be in a relationship with his boys.

That has to be Chompie or that other fruitloop.

Totally get how you feel Andi.

Your boys are around 12-13, right? I would LIKE to think that I would let the boys know that step mom asked perhaps on behalf of their dad as an FYI and leave it up to them as to what they would like to do.

However, I would probably delete it without a word.

Actually, being in a relationship with me is exactly like a party

There are pinatas and punch and pointy hats and noisemakers ALL THE TIME!!!

and bowls of snacks everywhere.

Once every hour, we limbo.

Andi, will you marry me?

~pass the Chex Mix~

My first reaction would be "delete delete delete" but I'm going to play Devil's Advocate here.

Give your ex all the information he needs. Third time, fourth time, nineteenth time. Keep records of every photo you send, every time you email him with your address.

When he still doesn't write, call, or send a birthday gift, because you know he won't, if he tries to blame it on you not responding to his requests, well, you have the records. Otherwise at some point in the future he can truthfully tell your kids about the time he asked for your info. and you never responded.

You know, he might not even know that his wife is contacting you. It's possible that she sees that he doesn't maintain any kind of contact with his kids, feels badly about it, and wants to step up to do that. Just like how you said in the other thread that she's "making" him maintain a job, maybe now she thinks that she can "make" him be a better father. She'll learn on her own. And either she will start doing all the card and gift sending, which your kids will enjoy, or she won't, which, given past records, they probably won't notice.


(Still thinking "delete" though)

I'm actually inclined to agree with you Unpopular Opinion.

If I respond at all, (still not sure I will) I might just send them the twins cell phone numbers, and some newer pics. I still think it should be up to him to contact them, but I never gave him those numbers, just because, in all honesty it never occurred to me.

perhaps he doesn't want to call the house because he doesn't want to talk to me, y'know, because of the pointy hats and constant need to limbo.

The twins could easily hand their phone to Frito Boy if he decided to contact them that way and actually wanted to talk to all three of his kids.

Uchhh... sucky situation, Andi. I don't know what I'd do in your situation, but I'm thinking that if I just deleted it, it would chew away at me. Maybe send her a response with the points you made above?

And I tend to agree with what this anon said: "...he might not even know that his wife is contacting you. It's possible that she sees that he doesn't maintain any kind of contact with his kids, feels badly about it, and wants to step up to do that."

You go gurl, it is about the kids hand over the info and see. I am sorry your feelings have been hurt and you sure do have the right to bitch, but doing the right thing at least in my mind would be solace enough.

Sucks but your tough and can handle it

Wow, um, thanks anon.

But out of all the emotions I'm having about this, hurt isn't really one of them.

Concern that my children will get hurt, sure. Concern that this poor girl will eventually go through all of this also, yeah. But no hurt here on my part. Not for over a decade now.

I think I would respond to clear up the picture issue but that's it. They have the most recent professional photos and candid shots are on facebook.
Done.

WHY would it even occur to her that the boys should write him a letter? If that ever happens, it should be their idea.

If anyone remembers the Christmas cards I sent out, they were all hand made.

Frito Boy made one for him, I asked the twins if they wanted to, and they said no, but I think that was more of a rejection of the crafting/scrapbooky feel to the whole thing than an outright rejection of him.

He never responded to Frito Boys hand made card.

He never responded to a handmade card from his son? He doesn't deserve shit, in my opinion. That really sucks.

I think you're on the right track feeling sorry for this new clueless wife. It might be tempting to write back and spell it out for her what a sorry excuse for a sperm donor your ex is but it probably won't make a difference. Neither will providing them (him) with updates. He's incapable of being a father. I'd stick to the once a year effort for your own peace of mind like you've been doing. You're a good mom and I'm sorry you have to deal with this crap.

I love how all the people are thinking what he deserves not about the kids. The kids did not ask for an asshole dad it is what they got. Minimize what you can for them that is it. His behavior although terrible has nothing to do with this.

Those of us who've known the story for years know Andi protects her kids like a mother bear. The issue on the table is about communicating with the father, not the kids. I'm assuming they don't even know about this.

Thanks DJ, no, they don't know about this. I do think they're old enough that I will tell them, but The Green One is at Cedar Point with his friends and won't be back til tomorrow, so I'll wait til they're all here together and see what they want to do.

My prediction:

The Blue One will state that he doesn't care and won't want to do anything. He will generally portray a "whatever" attitude about the whole thing, and then he will refuse to talk about it further.

The Green One will be torn and will want to do whatever his brothers decide.

Frito Boy will be the one who wants to talk to him the most, and the one I'm most worried about getting hurt again.

Dan and I are friends with a guy who's definitely headed in the same direction. Long story short, he was a stay at home dad with four children, his wife left him, took the kids, and moved in with her new boyfriend. When she filed for divorce, she was awarded $600 a month child support based on his (almost non-existent) income from the year before. That's $600 a month for FOUR children and INCLUDES what they consider to be in arrears.

I'm friends with her on Facebook, and we still get Carson and her daughter together to play, swim, sleepover. Dan's still friends with the dad, who has since moved to PA to live with his new girlfriend. He's now got a suspended driver's license for non-payment and if he comes to MD to see his kids, he'll end up in jail. His answer to the whole thing? To do nothing. No calls, no visits, nothing.

There ARE two sides to every story, I agree....the right one and the wrong one.

Kath,

That's a sad situation. I'm not sure what's been done to that guy is necessarily fair...

That is such a hard situation to be in, Andi. My ex sounds a lot like yours. I think your instinct to protect your boys from further hurt is a good one. They are getting to the age where things will start to click about their dad's participation (or lack thereof) in their lives to date. I remember biting my tongue hundreds of times so not to influence my kid's opinion, and trust that someday they would figure it out on their own. They are now 23 and 19 and they get it. Your ex's new wife may be trying to facilitate a relationship, but ultimately it is on dad to step up if he wants to know his kids. Mine could always call their dad from the home phone if they chose, it happened only a few times, he called them even less. I never gave him their cell #s as I felt like that would kind of invade their privacy. They both eventually gave him their number and both regret it very much. Good luck, mama bear.

Just to be clear, I would not give him their cell #'s without their permission.

DJ you are so contrite.

LOL. OK.

Wow, that is really weird.  If it were me, I would probably reply back with your #2 statement that you send pictures every Christmas and ask her if they aren't receiving them.  Strange situation all around I think.  I agree that you are not obligated in the least to even respond back and maybe an "Ignore" for her friend request would be the best solution.

I am in the same situation as your boys are with my father, albiet I'm now 36 years old.  I haven't spoken to my father since I was 21 and he has made no attempt to contact me either.  Should I have tried contacting him?  Possibly, but I came to terms that he is living his own life and he obviously chose not to have me part of it.  But I completely agree with your statement that your ex is the adult, and I can imagine how your boys feel, I went thru the same thing.

Shut up other anon.

Really. Contrite? What an idiot. Go away. Illiterate dumbass, trying to use big words. You sound like a complete jackass.

Smirk, I left out a lot of details. If you ask him, she was a miserable, controlling bitch obsessed with appearances, who never took an ounce of interest in her children until it was time to leave him and save face. If you listen to her, he was a drug-abusing loser who couldn't keep it in his pants, who she threatened over the course of a year to get help, go to counseling with her, and get a freaking job....any job.

As far as there only being two sides to the story (right or wrong),I still believe that. Th fact is, no matter what happened in their marriage or whose fault it was that it ended, those are his CHILDREN and he needs to do what's right. Which is support them. (IMO)

Sorry to hijack.

I'm guessing he has a job and could pay but chooses not to, in which case he's a deadbeat.


But despite that, unless I'm reading it wrong, the whole 'if you don't pay up you don't get to see your kids or you'll go to jail' just seems sorta fascist. It seems to me that emotional support and financial support be treated separately by the courts... I suppose this might be Ginny's territory.

I think it varies state to state, but in Michigan, you can't withhold visitation just because the non custodial parent is in arrears.

We have only been getting child support from him on a regular basis for the last 3 years or so, before that he wracked up over $30,000 in arrears. he doesn't make enough to be able to pay down on that while keeping up what he's supposed to pay every month (They can't take out more than 60% of his pay) So assuming he remains gainfully employed, he'll have to continue paying long after they're 18 and off to college.

Had he bothered to pay anything the first 10 years of their lives he wouldn't be in that situation.

There was a warrant out for his arrest when he wasn't paying anything, and had he come into the state and gotten pulled over, he would have gone to jail, but I don't know if the warrant still exists.

I do know he's been to the state, within 50 miles of where we live, (his parents live here) a few times in the last few years, and not bothered to contact his kids. Would he use the excuse that he was afraid I'd turn him in? Probably, but really, vindictiveness aside, what good is he to me in jail, he can't make money in jail. When he's in jail, I get no support.

It actually doesn't totally suck

I'm curious about the wife. If you marry a man who has abandoned three children you must vow to yourself to never have children, right? And abandoning children is a pretty huge and glaring character fault, if a woman is willing to over look that, how terrible are her character faults??

I know there's a lot of emotion here, but to me it just sounds like she's reaching out to you. I say just send some pictures.

Too Bitchy?? I haven't sent it yet.

whatchoothink?

Hi Betsy,

Sorry for the delayed response. Here are some more recent pics of the boys. I'll continue to send the most updated school pics in the Christmas card, as I do every year, Im not sure why you havent been getting them, the address you sent me is the same one I have on file. Obviously, it being August and all, we dont have the new ones yet. I told them about your email, and watched the twins put Bobs number in their phones. I told them it was up to them whether or not they wanted to call him. They all feigned polite interest and said they would. That was the day after you emailed me. Every night for the last several nights I asked them if they called their father, every night, they responded that they forgot, but they would do it tomorrow.

In their defense, theyve been extremely busy playing video games and generally laying around the house doing nothing in particular. You cant be terribly surprised that theyve placed the same priority level on contacting him as he has on them. Im not going to keep hounding them about it, as always, he is certainly welcome to call them. Our number hasnt changed, but in case you need it again its XXX-XXX-XXXX



Andi















E to resize super giant pics

Hilarious, but I don't think I'd send it.

If you are going to take the high road here and actually send her stuff, I guess I'd stay completely on the high road.

You're probably right, but it felt better to type it all out!


or I could just send her the lyrics to Cat's in the Cradle.

Ow. That stings.

I actually think that's pretty good, if that's the reaction you're looking for - which may be just the sort of reaction he needs if he really wants to get his shit together and have a real relationship with his kids or to once and for all just fuck off.

I'm kinda swaying towards the reminding the kids occasionally that they have his number and are welcome to call.

Or, possibly, do the opposite. Get involved, but do it in a non-stinging way. Make clear to her that you would like, for one last time, to help facilitate a relationship for the sake of the kids, and hell, for his sake too - so he doesn't end up like Robert Duvall in Sling Blade. But make it clear that it is in fact the last time you will do anything of the sort...

The only reason I could recommend the second option would be because sometimes kids aren't going to do certain things on their own. Like, say eating their veggies. But that's assuming that he is "good" for them, like veggies are "good" for them. Which, it doesn't sound like he is.

Just some thoughts. I don't know.

This line keeps making me laugh: "In their defense, they've been extremely busy playing video games and generally laying around the house doing nothing in particular."

Man, Andi- there are few better at that kind of zing than you are. It's one of my favorite things about you!

What games? I've been playing Kane and Lynch: Dead Men and its totally been pissing me off like a prick-Dad! (I've just copyrighted that word combo so please pay me royalties if any of you end up using it in the future.)

Thanks Squid!

And Smirk, on Xbox 360 they are playing Wheelman, on Wii it's either Guitar Hero or Mario Kart

I think that's perfect.

I love it!

My favorite part: "You cant be terribly surprised that theyve placed the same priority level on contacting him as he has on them."

I love the whole thing. And I don't think it is too bitchy.