Episode 5 Of Misery and Meat
As entertaining as some are proving to be on this season of Survivor it has become apparent (with Squids help last week) that this is a bunch of botarded goons who couldn't figure their way out of a 4 foot obstacle course with a map, flashlight, detailed instructions and Jeff Probst screaming from a megaphone which way to fucking go.
Yasmin received her well-earned walking papers last week and Shambo's all bent out of mullett shape because she's the only one who voted for Monica and everyone knows it. Way to alienate your freaky self even further Bitchy Ray Cyrus. Monica proclaims Shambo will be the next to go but Monica doesn't realize she's a peripheral pair of tits and means nothing in this game.
The next morning we see another resident idiot, Erik, trying to rinse off his impromptu facial scrub of beach sand and bird shit and is completely surprised when the obviously impending stormyish ocean smacks him on the face tumbling him ass-over-teakettle. Wow! The ocean is wild! You dont say. Moron.
Over at Foa Foa they're equally as stunned when the sea begins to roll and pitch sending waves into their camp while they all stare with glazed eyes and slack jaws pondering the possibility of hrm, wonder if the flag will wash away but not moving a stupid muscle to go rescue it. Puuuuuure genius.
What do we do?
Tree mail arrives and spells out for them that the challenge will be an edible one and for one brief moment I squealed with joy at the prospect of witnessing a tribe of fartfaces gagging down icky stuff. If they won't string Russell up by his meaty calves like a piñata then I'll take this.
Before the competition Liz tells Russell she thinks Ashley's going to choke in the reward challenge, literally and figuratively, and since Russell is the poster-child for sanity and rational thought he takes this as a direct threat to himself and tells Jason and Mick that Liz should keep her mouth shut because ragging on a tribe mate is wrong. Whatever, troll man.
You threaten me!
Imma gonna wear your skin like a jacket.
Imma gonna go get the machete. You stay raght there.
Everyone gathers in front of Jeff, who's sporting and extra evil aura, to enjoy a plethora of Samoa smoothies. Each tribe will send one person at a time and roll a ball across a roulette wheel of hell. Where your ball lands will determine what ghoulish nasty from-the-ocean crap youll have to eat. Land on Jeff's choice and youll be consuming whatever he deems the worst. First team to swallow and not puke 5 cups wins a steak and wiener bar-b-que dinner.
Commence chugging down combos like milk and slug guts, water and lightly blended octopi suckers, jellyfish and shark jizz, etc. etc. Both teams sputter and slurp and push their bulging eyes back into their heads until it's 4 all.
Last up is Ashley from Foa Foa and Dave from Galu. While Dave sucks down his cup of crap Ashley struggles amidst taunts from her rivals and after a few gulps slams her half-filled glass down and promptly ralphs into the bushes giving Galu the win, causing grimaces of disgust from all the real women out there who know how to swallow without puking like a prom date.
Amateur.
Chief Russell from Galu now gets to send someone from his tribe over to Foa Foa effectively kicking them out of the protein party they'll be having later. Since everyone is still pissed off at Shambo for the Chicken Incident of 2009 he boots her ass over to the losers. She's pissed off and tries to argue but he sticks to his guns since his God complex is in full swing and must dole out a punishment to the sinner.
I don't like wieners anyway!
But I do.
As soon as Foa Foa and their guest arrive at their beach she reads everyone all the clues to the (already found) immunity idol because she's probably the biggest dipshit to ever play this game. I fear her super mullett is losing its power.
Galu is trying to get their fire started with Russell not allowing anyone to help, naturally, and Dave whines that he's doing it wrong and blah blah dude bitchfest my penis is bigger than your penis and Dave finally gets in there and starts the fire and they all eat and now Dave thinks he's the only person on the planet that can save his team. Whatever, skullet, shut up.
You shut up! I'm delusional!
Cue torrential downpours that keep everyone beyond miserable for 2 solid days. Yay!
Time for an immunity challenge. As everyone arrives to play the evidence of their time in the rain is clear with gray, wrinkled fingers and zero smack talk.
Mmmm. Pretty.
And we get ripped of with another lame repeat game where people will have to hold onto a rope tied to a sack with opponents throwing coconuts into them. Whoever holds their sack the longest wins.
Ill give ya a sack to hold!
As usual Foa Foa fumbles and falters and this years tribe of fools fails again. Another trip to tribal council for you, fuckers.
The rain is so unrelenting everyone is huddled in their substandard horrible excuse for a hut (Why? Why dont they build something better? Is it that effing hard? For gawdsake!) there's no way to scheme since they're all nose to ass in there. Privately some admit to who they're thinking about and it looks like it's between Liz (oh noes, you threatened Russell) and Ashley (who's body rejects all things slimy).
I was sort of falling asleep and don't remember anything they said at the vote but the end result was Ashley's torch getting snuffed. I guess if you can't slob the knob you lose your job. (I don't know, Im tired.)
Sorry, Kohs, your girl is gone.
FOA FOA - Yellow
Ashley - Kohs
Ben - Dr. Swine Flu
Betsy - Ginny
Jaison - Jiggy/Lea
Elizabeth - Ghost of Tam's Toes/Appy's Attitude
Mick - DJ
Marisa - f-foxy
Mike - Arwen
Natalie - Todd
Russell H - Liu/Funk
GALU - Purple
Brett - Doc Z
Dave - Caps
Erik - Lisa
John -- Squid Boy
Kelly - Truly/FG
Laura - $8
Monica - Anny/Xica
Russell S - Smirk
Shannon - Theo/mar
Yasmin - Andi
Tune in next week when someone gets so hurt Jeff screams like a little girl for the medics. Awesome.
