Jag hittade den här berättelsen på ett annat forum... är nåt för er som inte är så förtjusta i Nynaeve. Snacka om att driva med serien! ifall ni inte orkar läsa... okej, skyll er själva. Ni kommer missa ett rejält skratt!!
Nynaeve woke up with a sense of bad weather. Even though it was hot today, as usual, it still felt as though rain should be pouring hard. It felt like…like she was forgetting something. Hopping out of bed, she grabbed an organizer from the desk (a wedding present from Elayne), ignoring the words 'For those just now learning to respect the value of organization' written in bold letters in the front. Flipping through it quickly, she saw what had been bothering her.
[*ahem* Hello, I'm the author. I'll be explaining some things as we go along, but mostly I'm here to make smart-ass comments and annoy Nynaeve. Why, you ask? Because Nynaeve spends so much time annoying everyone else; it's about time someone did the same to her. Ever heard of karma?]
"Oh, Light!" she groaned. "Tonight's the cast party for A Crown of Swords, and I haven't a thing to wear!" On the bed, Lan shifted. "Honey, go back to sleep," he mumbled in a muffled voice. She frowned at him and thumped him with a flow of Air.
"Get up, you lummox! We have to go shopping!" she exclaimed, hurriedly dressing. Lan slowly stood up, stretched [to the appreciative gaze of his audience….*ouch* hey, Nynaeve, Aes Sedai aren't supposed to use the One Power to hurt others *grumble*], and began to dress.
[Don't these people take baths or brush their teeth?!?]
Lan quickly stopped his wife from boxing the author's ears. "Now, now. It's not polite to harm an author…." Nynaeve embraced saidar, and…
[well, sigh you can guess what happens next…..hey! Watch where you aim that balefire! Psycho Aes Sedai! *runs off in tears*]
Reanne's presence did nothing to improve the situation. "Nynaeve Sedai, do you wish…to eat…breakfast?" She glanced at the room, which looked like a tornado hit it. A tornado with a braid, actually, who was glaring at the hapless Eldest member of the Knitting Circle. Reanne, being of normal intellect, left at once.
"Damned room service," Nynaeve muttered to no one in particular.
fast forward to the party
Nynaeve, dressed in her favorite outfit: a microskirt, bikini top, and platforms--all bright yellow (for her ajah), strode in the party with Lan, who was dressed in his usual Warder's cloak. The music was playing disco, not unlike during the last cast party, and Egwene and Gawyn were already dancing up a storm. In fact, at the rate they were going, Nynaeve was surprised their limbs weren't flying off.
Oh, well, she thought, I can always Heal them. Tugging Lan's arm, she led him to a table where Rand, Mat, and Perrin were sipping punch. Perrin had his arm around Faile, while Rand had Elayne, Aviendha, and Min wrapped around him. Mat saw them and waved them over.
"Mat, you look like something a herd of s'redit trampled!" Nynaeve exclaimed. Mat blinked--s'redit? Could that be a Yellow code or something?-and Nynaeve Healed him before he could finish the act. Mat shuddered and yelped, flailing about.
Nynaeve snorted. "Yeesh, talk about overreacting. You'd think you were being dumped in a bucket of cold water and tossed in a furnace afterwards."
[Um, how does one get dumped in a bucket?]
Rand grinned drunkenly. "Y'right, Nyna….uh, Nynaeve. He'sh jusht too baby. Not like me," he thumped his chest, "I'm a manly man!" Mat glared at him. The Three Stooges, still attached to Rand, glared back.
'If only the Daughter of the Nine Moons were here…..but nooo, she just had to make a dentist's appointment tonight', Mat thought. He glanced at Perrin, who was busy making out with his wife. 'Blech.'
Shaking her head, Nynaeve dragged Lan off. To Myrelle's table.
[Okay, the theme from Jaws would be most appropriate here.]
"Myrelle," Nynaeve said with false sweetness, "look who's here!" Myrelle looked up and urked. Before either woman could make a move, Birgitte was there, egging them on. "Catfight! Catfight! Catfight!" she chanted. The rest of the cast, sensing an imminently entertaining scene coming up, took it up.
"Catfight! Catfight! C'mon, Nynaeve, you can't let her get away with it!" Elayne yelled from where she was surgically attached to Rand's arm.
"Myrelle! Lan's your Warder! Don't give him up!" The other five members of Sheriam's elite Circle of Six cheered on their buddy.
"Catfight! Catfight! Catfight!" [Actually, this is the only dialogue Birgitte has.]
Nynaeve shrugged. "All right." With that, she dove at her opponent, hands clawed. Myrelle only had time to shriek in surprise before she was carried….well, slammed to the floor.
"Oooof!" Myrelle cried, with Nynaeve on top of her. "Nynaeve, you have got to go on a diet!" Nynaeve snarled and used her braid to choke her enemy to death.
"Now there's a practical use for that damned thing," Lelaine observed. Romanda shook her head. "It's not practical at all!" she declared firmly.
"Oh yeah?" Lelaine took a step forward.
"Yeah! And I simply couldn't help but notice how closely you resemble a lobotomized bullfrog, dear. Have you considered using the One Power to improve your looks, or do you wish me to provide a paper bag for you ?" Romanda was clearly enjoying herself. Lelaine quivered. So did her loyal sidekick, Takima.
"At least I don't look like King Kong's rear end!" Varilin, Romanda's own sidekick, gasped in outrage--and surprise. So I wasn't the only one who noticed that….
"Well, you have all the intellectual capacity of a petrified tree stump!"
"And you have all the grace and coordination of a whale!"
And suddenly, Birgitte was there, having lost interest in Nynaeve and Myrelle's fight. "Catfight! Catfight! Catfight!"
[The result, of course, was a catfight. There goes Aes Sedai dignity…….]
Nynaeve and Myrelle just sat there, staring at Romanda and Lelaine. Nynaeve broke the silence first. "Did we look that stupid?" Myrelle shuddered. "Nahhh….at least we're HYASB-Hot Young Aes Sedai Babes. Those two are definitely great-grandmother material."
Nynaeve looked down, blushing. "I'm sorry, Myrelle," she said in a small voice. Myrelle shrugged. "No harm done." Nynaeve very carefully refrained from staring too blatantly at the bright red mark around Myrelle's neck, inflicted by her braid. The two looked at each other, and, this being a Touching Kodak Moment, realized that a hug was mandatory. And so the two former rivals hugged.
"Women," Mat muttered, tugging his black scarf. Nynaeve and Myrelle sniffed.
Meanwhile, Berelain was pestering Perrin. "Perrin," she said coyly, "how about that ornamental ironwork you promised me?" The First of Mayene [also known as The Ruler of an Extremely Small City-State For Life Or Whenever Tear Decides To Take Over] paid no attention to the killer glare she received from the big…er, bold-nosed woman who just happened to be Perrin's wife.
[If looks could kill, not even Semirhage and Nynaeve combined could save Berelain.]
Suddenly, Galad walked in the room, dressed all in white. Amidst appreciative whistles from the entire female population in the party, he made his way to an obviously star-struck Berelain. Reaching out, he took her hand and said suavely, "May I have this dance?"
[This would actually be romantic if the music wasn't disco.]
Berelain flushed. Half-turning away from him, she discreetly took out her Amway breath spray from her Bust-pocket and used it. Perrin and Faile looked on with interest. After making sure all traces of dog-breath had been sprayed away, she flashed a dazzling grin at Galad, failing to note the small piece of parsley stuck between her front teeth. Galad, being the gentleman that he was, refrained from pointing it out.
Faile, however, was the very opposite [in every way] of a gentleman. "Berelain," she whispered in a voice that could clearly be heard above the music, "you've got something green between your teeth."
Berelain yelped and clapped both hands over her mouth. Utterly humiliated, she raced off in tears. Galad followed after shooting a frown at Faile.
Min frowned at Faile, too. "I don't like her," she muttered. Elayne and Aviendha nodded distractedly, both focused on Rand. Abruptly, something occurred to Elayne. She was the only one who hadn't slept with the Dragon Reborn yet! And now was the perfect chance!
Giving Rand a sultry look [somehow making it seem like a haughty look], Elayne motioned for him to come upstairs with her. Tugging at his Dragon design necktie, Rand grinned and followed eagerly. The not-so-dynamic duo looked at each other as Rand and Elayne left.
"Think we should stop them?" Min asked. Aviendha shook her head and grinned. "I say we join them!" With that, the Dedicated Spear ran up after them, with She Who Sees Beyond in hot pursuit.
[You can use your imagination for the upstairs scene, hentai.]
At the dance floor, Sorilea and Cadsuane were tangoing. "I didn't know anyone else could do that!" Cadsuane yelled over the music. Sorilea modestly shrugged and replied, "Well, in the sixties…."
"No kidding? You were alive in the sixties, too?" Cadsuane broke in excitedly. "Were you there at Woodstock?"
"Hell, no!" Sorilea scowled, disgruntled. "My parents were pretty strict. And I couldn't find any mode of transportation out of the Waste." Cadsuane made sympathetic noises.
Taim and his Asha'man just stood around, looking grim. Occasionally a half-smile formed on Taim's face, but then, that could have been just a facial tick. The black-coated men stood up straighter when they saw Halima approaching. "Hi, boys," she said in a smoky voice. "Do you know who I am?"
Taim sneered. "Hah! Well, well…..so the Great Lord made you what you used to admire before. What a laugh!" Halima scowled at him. "Oh, Balthamel," Taim continued contemptuously, "how beautiful you are! Hahahahahaha!!!!"
"I'm not Balthamel," she mumbled, then walked away. Taim shrugged. "Eeesh. How touchy."
In the Aiel tents, the twenty-three imprisoned Aes Sedai, especially the Greens, were weeping openly. "This is your fault!" an unknown Green accused Katerine and Erian. "Now look! He didn't even invite us to the party!"
The two flushed, looking abashed. "Sorry," they muttered in unison.
They jumped in surprise when a regal woman with red-gold hair barged in. "What party? Where?" she asked in an answer-me-now tone. One of the stilled Aes Sedai answered between bouts of weeping. "In-in the *sob*….the….*sniff* baaaaaaaaaaawl!!!!"
Morgase raised an eyebrow. "And I wasn't invited? That jerk!"
[Probably because he thinks you're dead, queenie.]
"It must be because he thinks I'm dead," Morgase muttered angrily.
[You hear an echo around here?]
Tallanvor," she commanded, "go look for it! Even if it takes all night!" And so he did, except he somehow ended up in Ebou Dar via a Waygate, where the Daughter of the Nine Moons, now with new dentures, mistook him for Mat and married him. Morgase and company waited and waited, but he never came back.
And the party went on all night………
[Hey! Why wasn't I invited? Oh yeah…author rule #32: An author observes the events, and does not join in. Hmp. Well, at least I got to see Galad…*sigh*]
The End
hoho
