Re: Putovanje v Podmoskovje, 2000 - moj razskaz, cz. 2
Posted Mar 5, 2009 8:47 AM
mi szli lesom -- I'm not sure how well it instrumental case would be understood here. I would rather say something like "mi szli prez les".
K dvum czasam dnja -- avoid the word "czas" whenever it's possible. Say "V 14:00".
Vse czredoju -- I don't like "czreda" -- how many people would understand it? What about "Vse po porjadku"? Or "Jedin za inim mi oblili sja...".
ispili -- are you sure that to unvoice the prefix "iz-" is a wise idea? Maybe it should be better to keep the etymological spelling?
v glove -- Why a Polish-like "glova"? You usually write in South Slavic.
ostanovili sja -- There is no good word for "to stop". What about "zavstali"? (Russian "vstali", Czech "zastali", Croatian "zaustali")
najdel -- ?! -- You used "szli" earlier, so why you're using past tense ending with present tense stem here?
metnul jo -- I'm not sure about "metnul"... What about "vergnul"? And Sloviaskist prefer to use "ju" (to be more consistent with feminine declension: "Vergnul kogo? -- Ju / Rdzsavu pruzsinu").
V to vremeno -- and here we can use "czas". Even though this word would be understood differently, the sentence would be understood correctly by all Slavs.
doszjol -- !? -- This is transliteration of Russian that does not make sense even from Russian point of view -- How your verb for "to go" is declined? "szjol-szla-szlo"? No Slavic language has palatalization here, and AFAIK most languages have vowel "e" here. A little advice -- don't use "jo" ever (except some non-Slavic words maybe), in Slavic languages "jo" regularly mutated to "je". "Jo" re-appeared in the East Slavic languages, but these forms should not be borrowed.
naczelnikom -- I guess it's a guy who sits in a boat ("na czelne")? Try to use universal "szef" or "bos".
tezka -- Maybe "jedno-imennik"?
And generally... You make me wonder what was so special in that summer of 2000, why you decided to write about it? You were abdicated by Aliens or something? I'm intrigued, and desperately waiting for the part III!