Re: Putovanje v Podmoskovje, 2000 - moj razskaz, cz. 2
Posted Mar 5, 2009 7:13 PM
"mi szli lesom -- I'm not sure how well it instrumental case would be understood here. I would rather say something like "mi szli prez les". "
I can agree with you. But let's hear others.
"K dvum czasam dnja -- avoid the word "czas" whenever it's possible. Say "V 14:00". "
I didn't have a chronometer with me!
Czas is not good, I agree...
"Vse czredoju -- I don't like "czreda" -- how many people would understand it? What about "Vse po porjadku"? Or "Jedin za inim mi oblili sja...". "
Yes, I don't know how common is this word...
"ispili -- are you sure that to unvoice the prefix "iz-" is a wise idea? Maybe it should be better to keep the etymological spelling?"
Surely, sorry, it's a mistake.
"v glove -- Why a Polish-like "glova"? You usually write in South Slavic. "
Yes, Slovianski says to write Polish-like. I am always forgetting about that, because still have doubts. For me South Slavic seems more logical.
"ostanovili sja -- There is no good word for "to stop". What about "zavstali"? (Russian "vstali", Czech "zastali", Croatian "zaustali") "
why is "ostanovit' sja" not good? This is not me who chosed this word, here I trusted the Slovianski team.
"najdel -- ?! -- You used "szli" earlier, so why you're using past tense ending with present tense stem here? "
Right, I will correct.
"metnul jo -- I'm not sure about "metnul"... What about "vergnul"? And Sloviaskist prefer to use "ju" (to be more consistent with feminine declension: "Vergnul kogo? -- Ju / Rdzsavu pruzsinu"). "
For me vergnul is not clear...
Slovianski team chosed "metnut'" however
"V to vremeno -- and here we can use "czas". Even though this word would be understood differently, the sentence would be understood correctly by all Slavs."
but vremeno is more common in this sense, isn't it?
"doszjol -- !? -- This is transliteration of Russian that does not make sense even from Russian point of view -- How your verb for "to go" is declined? "szjol-szla-szlo"? No Slavic language has palatalization here, and AFAIK most languages have vowel "e" here. A little advice -- don't use "jo" ever (except some non-Slavic words maybe), in Slavic languages "jo" regularly mutated to "je". "Jo" re-appeared in the East Slavic languages, but these forms should not be borrowed. "
surely, surely! it's just a typo (I typed in cyrillic first, and then "e''" was converted to "jo" by the transliteration tool!)
"naczelnikom -- I guess it's a guy who sits in a boat ("na czelne")? Try to use universal "szef" or "bos". "
naczelnik is more-less common, but may be it will be also understandable like "naczalnik"? I shall use foreign loans only in the very end if I have no more ideas.
"tezka -- Maybe "jedno-imennik"? "
yes, later I changed.
"And generally... You make me wonder what was so special in that summer of 2000, why you decided to write about it? You were abdicated by Aliens or something? I'm intrigued, and desperately waiting for the part III!"
I just try to use the language. This is not a thriller, just silly story that I wrote when I was 15. Don't take it seriously. Just understand that for the moment I don't fell enough strong to translate some serious literature.