And now, fresh from overdosing on grape leaves and ouzo, The Peerless Prognosticator is ON THE AIR! Spanning the globe to bring you the constant variety of sports... the thrill of victory... and the agony of defeat... the human drama of athletic competition. OK, there’s my Jim McKay moment for the day. But hey, it’s The World Cup, for cryin’ out loud! Eight teams, 13 days of hockey, no unions, no Bettman . . . all to win something that looks like an umbrella stand Dennis Kozlowski might buy.
But enough piffle, game on! . . . let’s get to the hockey. Today, it’s The Battle of Hartwall as Czech Republic invades Finland. When you look at these teams, you are struck blind by the fact that one of them employs the Scandinavian version of the Marx Brothers . . . Teppo (Numinnen), Kimmo (Timonen), Mikko (Eloranta), and Niko (Kapanen). They also lead the tournament in Ville’s (two – Nieminen and Peltonen). Throw in that they have two Koivu’s (Saku and Mikko) and two Ruutu’s (Tuomo and Jarkko), and you have what could be a good portion of the population of the planet Endor.
On the other side of the ice, you have Jagr and the Jagettes. Not going down without a fight in the battle over who has some of the strangest roster quirks, Czech Republic features no fewer than four, count ‘em, four “Martin’s” – Skoula, Havlat, Rucinsky, and Straka. Hey, if hockey doesn’t work, they can start a “One Hour ‘Martin’izing” dry cleaners store . . . BWAH-hahahaha. Caps fans should take note that for Czech Republic, Petr Sykora is playing . . . but not that one, the other one.
On to the game . . . who’s going to win. Hey, how should I know? Oh, yeah, there’s that Peerless thing. Well, when in doubt, go for the “Cap Factor.” Czech Republic leads Finland in current or ex-Caps, 1-0. It is with that in mind that I make several prognostications about this game. First, Martin Straka will suffer a freak injury. I’m putting my money on something like, “stubs toe, trips, falls to ice, breaks nose.” Second, someone is going to ask, “hey, what’s the deal with ‘Suomi?’” Third, ESPN will break into the game with highlights from the Marcos Baghdatis-Olivier Mutis opening round match at the U.S. Open tennis tournament. Fourth, the over-under on the number of times “lockout” is mentioned is 14.
Finally, the game’s critical play will involve Jaromir Jagr, an illegal stick, Bill Daly and Ted Saskin arguing over who pays the bar tab, and someone hurling a big ol’ hunk of lutefisk out onto the ice. Czech Republic 3, Finland 1.
And you know? . . . come to think of it, the Olympic flame DID look like a giant doobie.
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Play hard, shake hands, drink beer.
"LA needs two hockey teams like Switzerland needs two navies" -- Norman Chad (from "My 10-Point Plan to Save Gary Bettman from Himself")
