Good evening Mr. and Mrs. Hockey Fan, from border to border and coast to coast and all the ships at sea. Let's go to press! The Peerless Prognosticator is on the air!!
It’s last day of August, and hockey is in the air . . . or is that merely the stench of the performance of Czech Republic in their lackluster – to be kind – 4-0 loss to Finland yesterday. One to many knedliki in the pre-game meal, perhaps? Anyway, who cares? Neither of those teams will make the final, and a matchup of potential finalists is on tap for tonight. Yes, Germany versus Sweden.
Fooled ya . . . but anyway, to get this formality out of the way, think “Cap Factor” – the team with the most former or current Caps on it. So far, the Cap Factor is 0-1 (Jaromir Jagr’s Czech team skating like they were on NyQuil). This time, it’s Germany holding a sizable 3-0 edge in this key statistic (Olaf Kolzig, Robert Muller, Stefan Ustorf) . . . they’re going to get creamed. Kolzig will be up and down so much fending off pucks, he’ll look like he’s in the middle of some strange folk dance. And if that doesn’t do the trick, those road-sign yellow jerseys Sweden wears will blind the guy. And hey, what’s the deal with Sweden, anyway . . . didn’t their coach sing that song about a lime and a coconut? It’ll be pina coladas all around for the Swedes as they get off to a good start in a 4-1 win over the Germans.
In the marquee matchup today, it is the United States of Gawd Dayum A-MER-ica against . . . Canada. Trouble is, the goaltending for the US of G-D A isn’t going to scare anybody. Ty, Ricky, and Robert. Sounds like half of a boy band . . . N’Puck. On the other hand, the Canadians have Theodore, Simon, and Alvin . . . no, wait, those are the chipmunks. Uh . . . Theodore, Franklin, and Eleanor . . . rats, those are Roosevelts. No, I got it . . . Theodore, Luongo, and Brodeur. There used to be an old joke among players of the baseball team in these parts that dare not speak its name (Orioles) . . . they had a pitching rotation that was among the best of its time – Jim Palmer, Mike Cuellar, Mike Flanagan, and Steve Stone. They were dubbed: “Cy Young, Cy Old, Cy Past, Cy Future” in recognition of pitching’s highest award. Well, Brodeur, Theodore, and Luongo are: “Vezina Now, Vezina Then, and Vezina Still to Come.”
Looking at The Cap Factor, it’s the USGDA holding a 3-0 edge (Halpern, Konowalchuk, Klee). It’s even worse than it seems, since Canada has Joe Sakic, who as any Cap fan will remember was the guy taken by Quebec in 1987 with the draft pick the Caps sent to the Nordiques to get Dale Hunter.
It promises to be a game of highlights and lowlights . . . you’ll see Mario Lemieux smile! You’ll see him adjust his helmet!! . . . you’ll see him whisper something to Pat Quinn (“hey, I’m from here . . . I know where we can score some poutine”) . . . you might even get to see him skate!!! It promises to be a heartwarming moment you’ll want to share with your kids.
I hope I don't get an ow-ee
You can do it, Mario! He won’t have to, though . . . the Canadians will have enough to get past the USGDA, 3-1.
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Play hard, shake hands, drink beer.
"LA needs two hockey teams like Switzerland needs two navies" -- Norman Chad (from "My 10-Point Plan to Save Gary Bettman from Himself")
