At long last, what every hockey fan has been waiting for! . . . The Peerless Prognosticator is BACK ON THE AIR!!!
This time, brought to you by . . . “Nick at Nite.” This week, featuring reruns of the Dallas episode when Bobby Ewing reappears . . . it was just a bad dream.
I know you’re wondering, “Peerless, what are you doing back this soon?” Well, I’ve been reading all these accounts of what the new CBA includes and doesn’t include, and since I am, well . . . The Peerless, I thought I’d set the record straight.
So, without further adieu (and no mention of Freddy Adu), here is the straight poop and nothing but the poop . . .
Salary Cap . . .
You might have heard mention of 54 percent of revenues and a $34 million cap or a $39 million cap . . . blah blah blah. Here’s what the new CBA provides:
- $30 million cap, but players will retain 100 percent of the proceeds from returning empties in arenas. At 5 cents a bottle, that’s estimated to bump up team payrolls by about $4 million. So, if in the third period, Brendan Shanahan taps you on the shoulder and asks, “you done with that?” Don’t be alarmed.
- Benefits are not included under the cap. This was a major concession by the owners, but the players won another significant concession. Trinkets also are not included. Key chains with team logos, dangly things for player car’s rear view mirrors, window flags, and the like, are not covered. Players now have Chirstmas presents for their kids taken care of.
- Players may re-sell tickets and retain all proceeds. In fact, the league is encouraging this, because they will then include the re-sale as another sold ticket to boost published “paid” attendance. This is expected to add about $23.89 to player payroll.
Draft . . .
- Look, let’s get this straight. The NHL has no balls for a draft, period. Sidney Crosby will be awarded to the New York Rangers. Alexander Ovechkin will be awarded to the New York Rangers. Eva Longoria will be awarded to Glen Sather. The CNN news babe of his choice will be awarded to Larry Brooks. As for the rest of the clubs . . . you guys fight it out.
Free Agency . . .
- Players will be declared unrestricted free agents if: a) they are 28 years old, or b ) they have had at least seven years of service, or c) the Rangers, Red Wings, Flyers, or Avalanche want them.
Rookie Salaries . . .
- Two words . . . “paper routes”
Arbitration . . .
- Players seeking arbitration will submit proposals to a two-person panel – James Carville and Robert Novak. Good luck getting a decision any time inside a year, boys.
The ice . . .
- No more red line. It will henceforth be known as the “Red Stripe, brought to you by Red Stripe beer.” All part of “The New NHL,” kids. It’s “marketing, marketing, marketing.”
- New icing rules . . . a player who shoots a puck from inside his own blue line to the opposite end of the ice will be smacked in the face with a chocolate cake.
- Colors . . . while there has been talk of blue ice and orange lines, The Peerless has learned that it is here where the NHL will adopt more “TV-friendly” measures. The ice will be converted from the traditional “white” to a “Saturday Night Fever” theme and a disco floor motif, complete with flashing lights underneath.
The equipment . . .
- Goalies will have their equipment pared back. They will be permitted to wear a mask and a speedo. That’s it.
- The rule on stick curvature will be repealed. Jaromir Jagr is already contacting novelty companies about the feasibility of a stick that looks like one of those curvy drinking straws for kids.
- The nets will not be enlarged, but they will be reshaped. Instead of 4-by-6 feet, they will be 6-inches-by-48-feet. Goalies, no doubt thinking about the new equipment restrictions, are breathing a sigh of relief at not having to face as many shots to their groinage.
Shootouts . . .
- The AHL-style shootout was given much consideration, but the league felt that more drastic measures needed to be introduced to excite fans. In its place the league will initiate real shootouts. Guns will be provided to five members of each team. Last player standing, his team gets two points.
Playoffs . . .
- The NHL will change the playoff format. All 30 teams will be included in the playoffs. The New York Rangers will get a bye to the finals.
The Cup . . .
- One of the little known codicils in the final agreement concerns disposition of the Stanley Cup after the season ends. Recent tradition holds that players from the winning team get to keep the Cup for a day or two. No more . . . Each NHL city will get the Cup for a week. Clubs will hold events for youth hockey clubs involving displays of the Cup and other neat hockey stuff.
So there you have it. The real CBA deal, courtesy of your man in the know. The Peerless is sure that the new NHL will offer excitement to old and young fan alike, the kind of entertainment that screams, “where’s the remote, dear?”
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Play hard, shake hands, drink beer.
"LA needs two hockey teams like Switzerland needs two navies" -- Norman Chad (from "My 10-Point Plan to Save Gary Bettman from Himself")
If you've read this far, you probably could use a hobby
