A Liverpool F.C scout returns from Bosnia raving about a new Teenage superstar he's seen in the war torn country. Gerard Houllier is convinced and is so desperate for no one else to snatch him up that he signs the boy without looking at him for himself. The boy arrives in Liverpool for Saturday's game, and is on the bench.
With ten minutes to go Owen gets injured and is stretchered off. Houllier points to the new Bosnian boy: "This is your big chance, son. Go out there and do the business for us".
The lad strips off his shell suit and takes to the pitch. In those dying minutes he's a revelation, scoring a hat trick. The Kop goes mad. After the game Houllier gives the new boy a big hug in the changing room.
"Great performance son. Go and give your parents a ring at home. They'll be so proud of you. You can use the phone in my office".
The lad goes into the boss's office and rings his mum. "Mum, I've just had the best debut; I scored a hat-trick!...you don't sound very happy though; why are you crying? Is everything okay?"
"No, son, today has been the worst yet. Your dad has been shot, they've raped your sister, and the house has been burnt to the ground."
"God, mum, that's terrible; I'm really sorry"
"So you should be son. It was your idea for us to move to Liverpool."
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A bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in.With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool,
pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The
bartender nodded,so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey,too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back,who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass
of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give
Him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a Scouser,who swaggered into the bar and yelled, "Barkeeper, giv us a lager der la! Hey, is dat God's Boy down dere?" The barkeeper nodded, so
the Scouser told him to give Jesus a lager, too.
As Jesus got up to leave,he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness,you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength comeback to his
leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his backstraighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus walked towards the Scouser, but the Scouser jumped back and exclaimed,"Fuck off, I'll lose my disabiltity benefit!!!!"
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During the League Cup final between Liverpool and Man Utd a few years ago, Liverpool fans were chanting, "You've got Van Nistlerooy, we've got your car stereo".
"You know how I feel about Pete"
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Was at the game on monday 2-1 to United, come the reds!!!!
Personal highlight of chants were
"Get to work you lazy twats, get to work you lazy twats"
"Sign on, Sign on,
with hope in your heart,
cause you'll never get a job,
you'll neeeeeeever a get a job"-
obviously to the theme of You'll never walk alone. Fuck Liverpool are lame, they have Gerry and the Pacemakers, we have Stones Roses I am the ressurection when we come out.
oh and the premiere of the all new Rooney song, to the theme of coming round the mountain
"Wayne would rather be a devil than a scouse,
So there's no more doing grannies or you house
He'd rather be a devil and play with Gary Nevilllllllle
He'd rather be a devil than a scouse"
All premiered Monday night were the Alan Smith song(to the theme of heads, shoulders knees and toes), and our cover of Fuck It by Eamon
Alan Smith has come to town, come to town
Peter Ridsdale is a clown, is a clown
O'Leary and Venables are total fucking Stars
Coz Leeds United have gone down, have gone down
Fuck Peter Kenyon and Ambrovich
Fuck you Mourihno you son of a bitch
Fuck Kevin Keegan and Fuck Franny Lee
Fuck you McManaman and fuck Man City
Without a doubt, we have the best chants in the land
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Oh he's finally reappeard. I gave you mate Fletch the stick I'd been saving up for you last night, following our VICTORY, you know OUR WINNING PERFORMANCE.
And can I just say, how shit is Harry Kewell. Im so glad that lazy pussy foot cock head turned us down to got to your lot.
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jay eye bee, skemkarlos, what is funnier than any of these jokes is the pathetic way you try to sound smart. what would be even funnier than that is if you both died.
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heard them allllllll before. hadn't seen that photo of the keyboard before though, i'm shocked but amused. and that 'sign on, sign on...' song that cockney, i mean manc posted is old. and everyone else says it. it's as unoriginal as sit down pinnochio. so no, you don't have the best songs.
i like this one the best.
why so seagulls fly upside down in liverpool?
cos there's nothing worth shitting on.
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did i bring up our history then? no. did i say my comment was original or even good? no.
whereas you said your chant was the best. to say it is your chant is wrong to begin with, every fucker under the sun has heard or sung that chant so fuck off.
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No I said, our club has the best songs in league, I didn't say that the "sign on" was the best, but a personal highlight of mine from the other nights game. I suggest you re-read the orignal post, or get someone who can for you...........
I don't think you'll find any other team in the land that has an extensive variety of chants as The Old Trafford faithful (from Joy Divison reworkings to the fucking Inspiral Carpets)
I wouldn't expect you to understand as your used to:
"Stevie Gerrard, (clap clap clap clap).......(Milan Baros clap, clap, clap clap)........Michael Ow.......oh shit sorry he fucked off like I said he would about 6 months ago, and shit on you from a great height in the process. Loyal St. Michael.
*Incidently I don't have any issues with Merseyside folk, just the Loonypool fans. When I say "scouser" I mean some Liverpool fans. I find the majority of people on merseyside to be friendly funny, caring people......except for the 6 little kappa wearing fuckers who followed me round liverpool centre when I went to get my passport couple of years back......they would of fucking jumped me, hadn't it of been for this copper who was thankfully arond the corner I turned. Little shits.
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kappa is a fantastic brand. i got some kappa poppa's for trainin and they were fantastic to just pull off with out gettin dirt on em so i could play in shorts. long live kappa!
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A man walks into an airport and eventually makes his way to the departure lounge waiting for his flight to be called.
All around him there are overturned tables, upturned chairs, broken windows, smashed flight monitors and crowd control barriers lying on the ground.
"Oh my god, what happened here?" he asks one of the ground crew.
"Oh yeah" he replies "Sorry aboot the mess, we had the Liverpool football team in this morning filming the new nike ad"
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