I mean I'm not one to completely destroy a soft son with words but he's really asking for it and it's driving me mad.

It's this new fella at work called Pauly. He's taken over from Fat Debbie whiles she's away pooping out her first chavy.

He's an alright bloke as it goes. A bit gangly and plum faced but he's a snappy dresser and has good manners.

The thing is when he started here eight or so weeks ago he was really shy. I'm not talking hide me in a corner looks like a mourner shy but he didn't say much to me for the first few days and it took him ages to get a decent rapport going with me. After the initial awkwardness though he started talking quite happily to me every day and we even went on a few lunch breaks together to Costas.

The problem was that he was still rather quiet and stammered whenever he wasn't talking to me but then he started copying the things I do and say and I think he's doing it because me being the boyo of the office he clearly thinks this is the way to be if he wants to make any more friends.

But now it's getting beyond a joke and he's actually stealing traits and tales from me. For instance I caught him copying my little two thumbs up motion whenever anyone asks me to do something. It's just a cheeky little gesture that I do with a casual reply of "roger wilco". I've been doing it for years but now the little bastard's started doing it more than me and because we sit right across from each other I have to watch him day in and day out acting and saying things in a manner of mimicry that would be criminal on a stage.

Whenever I tell him a joke I usually go to tell someone else and it turns out that Pauly's already told them it or if I start using a certain word over often round the office he'll latch onto it like cancer and do the same. I was into using the phrase "splendid and tremendous" alot a few weeks ago only to stop when I heard him saying exactly the same thing to my boss and then as a laugh I was coining the phrase "oh snap" after watching an episode of scrubs only to catch him saying it after knocking his Iphone off his desk... he's not even using it in the right context.

I could live with that sort of thing most days but then he started asking me what sort of music I was into. I schooled him pretty proper on bands like the Libbers, Golden Silvers, Cat Stevens, La Roux, The View etc. and the next fucking day he comes in bopping along to a few new tunes on his Phone and telling anyone who'll listen about the beauty of Babyshambles and the master Morrissey when I know full well the lad hadn't heard anything of them before I mentioned I liked them.

Then he started nicking my new game I play round the office. I get a small post-it note and stick it onto another persons computer screen who's within my line of sight. I'll write something like "Look left" or "7 o-clock" to get the person to look in my direction. Meanwhile I'll be giving them the finger from across the room until they turn round and see me doing it. It's fucking hilarious when done properly but I came in a few weeks ago to find one on my computer and I turn round to catch the fucker doing it to me... he's done it five fucking times now and he dosn't even do it right. He waits for the person to look and then flips them off which is pointless as you may as well just wait till they look without the prompt of the note and do it then. Anyway out of politeness I still laugh weakly but inside I'm vomiting.

Then came the thing that has really pushed me over the edge and has prompted me to think about giving him a talking to over it. I found out last Wednesday that the sneaky little fucker has stolen my anecdote about the time I tried to lubricate my penis with a wet wipe and claimed the tale as his own.

It's a true story about tone of the rare few times I'd had sex. I was 19 and had hooked up with this chavy lovely by the name of Jennifer at a good friends 20th. She looked all of 12 but had a banging body with two little welts for nipples and these sexy little veins that ran from her ankle to the back of her knee... anyway I played her well and she fell fast before letting me take her home with me. We snogged like panthers in the cab home and fumbled each other on my couch before moving into the bedroom. She lets me strip her naked and watches as I start rubbing one out infront of her which was fucking immense I must say but before I get the chance to throw what's left up inside her she tells me I need to use lubricant or else she can only suck me off. She has this weird problem where the muscles in her vagina tense up during penetration and it makes sex abit uncomfortable for the poor mare.

I want to shag her, no doubt. I ain't settling for a suckling when the pussy's poised and I always like to experience the three M's with a new woman (mouth, muff and mounds) so I leave her hanging and run about the flat desperately looking for anything I can use to slide myself down her slide. There's nothing in the bathroom apart from soap which dries up your skin and I even pondered on the thought of using spray on deodorant before finding a few wet wipes my flatmate had left over from when we had KFC. I'm desperate so I take a few of these and run back to my room. I don't show her the packet but just say they're a new type of thing my flatmate uses when her lips get chapped. I was hoping she'd think it was some kind of vaseline type tissue thing and the daft bint lapped it up. So there I am wrapping numerous smelly wet wipes round the shaft of my tucker and dusting off the head of my penis with one until it's all wet and clammy. It didn't work in the end, I ended up with red sores on my tender parts and she was in a fair amount of pain but once I'd started she didn't tell me to stop so I carried on.

Anyway it's alot better when told than typed but it ends with the phrase "she may not have enjoyed it but she was finger licking good." hence KFC and I find out he's been telling the lads in the warehouse downstairs the exact same story and fobbing it off as his own experience. I told him that one in good faith as he was having a rough day and it seemed to cheer him up. Now he has more friends at work than I do and it's all off my own brand of social interaction. He feels like a stalker who dosn't actually follow me anywhere.

Now he's asking me where I got my new coat and I'm petrified he's going to stroll into work in the exact same jacket so I lied and said I bought it a few years ago in Spain. It's this Edward Cullen style pea coat that my mum bought me when I was out shopping with her a few weeks back and I think I look rather dapper in it, so much so that I don't want the cunt stealing my joy.

I need to let this impostor know it's not on to rob my life and my friends at work but he's still quite nice to me so I don't know how to go about saying it without being to harsh on the poor mite.

Your score: 1

based on name and never being assed to read it

Watch out for the cliches slong. No one calls anyone pauly and the fat women knocking out a chav? cliche, cliche,cliche. The big cliches you can get away with but it's the details people invest in or reject.

The office finger game was well told.

Good work.

lol.

Start wearing make-up and stilettos to work and listening to Shaking Stevens. That'll teach him to copy you.

"Then he started nicking my new game I play round the office. I get a small post-it note and stick it onto another persons computer screen who's within my line of sight. I'll write something like "Look left" or "7 o-clock" to get the person to look in my direction. Meanwhile I'll be giving them the finger from across the room until they turn round and see me doing it."

Haha that's good.

jist?

Now you know how soontobe feels.

Over the summer I worked in a juice factory, with a cracking bloke called turbodave. (an ironic nickname, as he was a bit slow (Not thick as persay) ) He was in charge of health and safety, or medicine, and one day one of the other young lads got a paper cut and asked him if he could get out the accident log book, which he subsequently did.

Being older than me and more senior in authority, he would tell me stuff to do, or sort for him e.g get me 2 tonnes of sugar for the batch of orange juice.

Anyway a lot of the time I would be walking off and he'd start talking again, often repeating his instructions. Anyway I thought maybe we were too far away to communicate, so I'd often nod and give him a "Thumbs up gesture."

By the end of the summer the guy was always doing it to people, particularly me - often most conversations.



I felt well proud that someone subconsciously emulated me, as it surely indicates affection.



Your guy just sounds like a conscious try hard loser though.

good thread title, but can't be arsed reading it all tonight

your score: 4 for the title

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"Yestaerday I couldn't speak Englsig properly. Really really fun"

Yawnsome

read all of that for some unknown reason. but as you're in that quality school boy position where you can tell the other kid any old bullshit and watch them repeat it i suggest you abuse it to the maximum. so at a very basic level tell him you listen to something such as gary glitter, if he comes out the next day singing glitter's praises you deny all and take the moral victory (possibly a very un-pc and harsh example but you get the idea).

can't believe anyone outside early school years would sink to mimicry is bit pathetic really

follow him in to the bathroom and rape him while screaming i am me you are you , i am me you are you.
once you come right up him he'll understand.

"You're not even a scenester. You're a fucking milkman"

HA and i thought i were pushing the acceptable boundary of acceptable jest.

Stick a post it note to his computer telling him to look in your direction using the clockface technique. Then when he looks you'll just be stood there butt naked slowly downy wanking your flacid todger with "copy this.. BITCH" written across your chest in black marker.

haha i genuinely laughed out loud at that last post

You shouldn't pull him up. The next step after copying you is suicide.

immitation is the highest form of flattery

but I think a lunch together and being honest about all this would help....pr just send him the link to this thread

Slong, for as much of a dick you are, you have truly brightened up my day.

i actually LOL'd at -

'I found out last Wednesday that the sneaky little fucker has stolen my anecdote about the time I tried to lubricate my penis with a wet wipe and claimed the tale as his own.'

what an anecdote.
i can only imagine christmas dinner at your house!

fuck me.

do people really believe slong's stories?

surely not?!?

that's what makes them entertaining- the fact he makes them all up

_________________________________________________________________
"Yestaerday I couldn't speak Englsig properly. Really really fun"

"He's taken over from Fat Debbie whiles she's away pooping out her first chavy."

slong's poetry will endure

fucking brilliant slong.

i am going to mimic this post it note game. fucking nice one.